#idk gotta wait how my energy levels are tomorrow

[robinsnest2111]

seriously thinking about getting real funky with the hairdye....

black on top, purple pieces underneath, Stocking from Panty & Stocking style,,

or maybe even black with purple streaks, Draculaura/Elissabat style...? (this combo has been all over my Instagram explore page lately)

[the-little-red-noodle]

12/6/18 12:49

I want to write but i dont know what to say.

i feel so much but im not doing anything. i have feelings that i want to talk through but i cant grasp them yet. 

im so tired and my eyes hurt and my heart wants to love so much more than im being given opportunity for. i have so much love to give but nowhere to put it where it will be received in the way i really want. i’ll never admit it, but i just want someone who will mirror that love. i just want to feel like im appreciated and that those efforts are seen and appreciated. 

I just want to love and be loved in an enthusiastic way. And i feel like this a lot more when spencer and i are apart and i have to rely on his text voice to fill that little space in my head where i overthink about our relationship standing. That’s not to say that i never get my feelings hurt when we’re together in person, because yeah it happens, he’s a boy and he says dumb shit sometimes. But it’s so much less.

When we’re together in person, at least i can guage a little more where we stand. I can feel that he’s happy and i excite him. Sex is always good so i don’t really worry about that domain. I’m a very sexual person and i usually initiate things and will be more verbal about what i want or complimenting him and making it feel very explicit that I’m attracted to him and enjoying things, etc. so i feel like sex is coming easy to him. Like we don’t have any sexual inhibitions other than just like timing or if I’m on my period. But whenever I’m on my period, like today, i just go down on him anyway because it’s fun for both of us, and i think a little bit subconsciously it’s because i want to make sure he stays satisfied with me.. like i don’t want him to feel like he needs to go anywhere else for that kind of satisfaction because he can always get off with me and that i do things enthusiastically, which i do. I genuinely have a good time being sexual with him in any context because i do feel so attracted to him and so like.. into it.. like even on my period when i usually feel the least sexy, he comes over and makes me feel like such a queen.. like we’realways touching each other and so close and it’s always pretty high attraction energy between us which keeps me pretty enticed all the time..

it’s weird but it’s not. Cuz like i know that I’m a very sexual person. I like sex. I enjoy having sex for me, and i like the physical feeling and the connection to people. I like being intimate and i love being intimate with spencer for a lot of reasons.

I think a big part of it is his aloofness most of the time keeps me pushing for it. Like he’s so precious and beautiful and giggly and all that. Like he’s adorable and he looks at me sometimes like I’m so gorgeous.. like today he came over for like 2 hours and we just cuddled and teased each other.. the entire first hour was a standoff of who could hold out longer, which is funny because if i weren’t on my period, 100% i would lose first. But since he didn’t know i was on my period, i just ran with it and played this game with him. It’s so fun to tease each other and taunt the other person to make moves..

i just like messing with him cuz theres an innocence to him that i really like.. and part of that is that he is just objectively attractive, like conventionally but also just like to me, he is so perfect.. like his bone structure and his cute little features, and he’s tall and thin and i just think he’s crazy attractive. It’s honestly kind of annoying tho because i can’t ever keep my hands to myself. Like i just want to touch him constantly and have my arms around him..

Now i miss him..

Ugh wait i want to talk about jealousy. Because this is something i got back and forth on a lot in my head but overarching isnt an issue, because i don’t bring it up. Like i have insecurities, who doesn’t. And something i worry about is just him finding someone else that he likes better, and in reality, i feel like that would come from a friend confessing to him, and he’ll either be in love with that person or he’ll be a pushover and be with them cuz he cares about people and wants to make them happy. I worry that i won’t have as strong of a hold on him as id like to think that i do. And i mainly worry about this with his friend Ali, because they are super close and I’ve seen a couple times now where she like needs to talk to him and talks about anxiety and needing him.. so when i hear about it theres a twinge of jealousy because i imagine her like confessing that she loves him and that seeing him with another girl was too much and he should dump me amd be with her..

Yes i know i sound crazy, I’m aware. But that’s why i write this shit on tumblr so these thoughts never see the light of day. Because of course i would never bring this up to him, because expressing these insecurities does nothing but put tensions on his friendships, and i would hate if he did that with my friendships with guys, or girls (don’t bi erase me) and it would be annoying if i wanted to hang out with someone that he was jealous of because of course i would want to make sure he was super comfortable and that would probably cause me to see them less, and that’s not what i want for him because frankly i like his girl friends more than his guy friends, and theyre better influences on him anyway.

Still, theres something about this girl that makes me nervous sometimes. I think it’s just that she seems affectionate with him and expresses needing him, which seems like the way you treat a boyfriend or a guy you are affectionate with because he likes you but you’re friendzoning?

That too, i don’t know how these girls friendzone him. Like he is so gorgeous it makes me angry. He is so gorgeous, how do people look at rhis gorgeous man and go ya he’s just a friend. Like what?

Anyway, idk what to do about my feelings about ali. Part of it too is that i find her attractive, and someone i was low key crushing on last year, so now i see her super close with my partner and I’m like silently growling because i know shems attractive, and she would know what a prize spencer is, so that’s the insecurity.

The reason i don’t say anything is because i feel like at our age, theres a level of maturity and understanding. Enough to where if you are in a relationship, but develope feelings for someone else, and those feelings suddenly have an outlet and that person wants you back, you should be honest and breakup with your partner and pursue that other thing. Like ya being cheated on would suck, and getting dumped would suck, but at the end of the day, we’re all just people and romance is messy and i feel like if this girl confessed to him and he wanted to be with her, he should be. Cuz like theyre friends for a while and must know each other pretty well, and if he had strong feelings like that for someone else, who am i to hold him back?

But the point i was making is that even if this girl or any other girl expressed interest in him, that doesn’t mean he instantly sleeps with them and dumps me. Because id like to think that he and i are doing pretty well at the moment and id like to think he’s happy with me and wants to be with me.

When i get insecure about this stuff, i like to think about this thing he said a while ago. He said that he was single for 2 years, and just wasnt dating, and that when he saw me, he was like “her”.

I like to think about it in a serious way that like he’s known these females for those 2 years, and that if he wanted things to happen with them, they probably would have already happened. And i like to think that he was immediately attracted to me, and that first night when we met and kissed and he asked me about italian food because he wanted to take me on dates when we got back to school.

Those two things he said mean a lot to me and keep me relatively grounded when dumb insecurities want to carry me out and get lost in the sky.. i want to believe that he chose to be single for a while, or just didn’t hard pursue anyone for a while, but then with me he just wanted to date me or knew i was girlfriend material. And honestly that’s so fucking cute..

And i feel good about us now in that sense too when we talk about being friends. We’re both pretty adamantly like i think of you as much more than a friend and when i was jokingly like oh so you want to be just friends? And he was so sad like i mean.. if that’s what you want.. but I’m very happy with this” and just hugged me so tight..

Like i know I’ve got him, ya know? Maybe that sounds confident, but i feel like i got him.. i feel like i suit him pretty well and that I have the qualities he wants in a girlfriend. Or at least id like to think so.

So when i get insecure, i remind myself of these things and remind myself of when we were both complaining about exes who got jealous of our opposite sex friends and how annoying it is to be accused of sleeping with your platonic friends. So i know how dumb it would be to ask if he likes Ali, or if he ever has liked her in the past, because what if he has? I used to like Patrick, and he used to like me, but that doesn’t make us incapable of being just friends right now, so it would only hurt me to know that. And if he did currently like her, maybe he’ll say something. Or it’s not a big enough deal to him to mention it.

I just gotta trust him. I gotta let myself trust him and trust that we’re both adults and that he is capable of having platonic female friends, the same way i am capable of having platonic friends with anyone.

I think that’s as much as i can write for tonight. Gotta get sleep and get work done tomorrow.

Xoxo gossipgirl

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[ladyloveandjustice]

PLVAA P13- “A taste of despair” yep that’s an accurate description of life without Maya in it

Nick is dealing with Maya’s apparent death the way he deals with all grief: by repressing the fuck out of it and pretending things are cool. He keeps spacing out and not paying attention when everyone’s talking but then acts like he’s fine. NICK. 

ugh here comes inqusitor Barnham their conversation is basically like this (Nick even gets TWO special angry animations for it, literally the first time in this entire game they are used)

Barnham: Defender Wright, I’m sorry about

Phoenix: HI I HATE YOU

Barnham: the loss of Maya Fey-

Phoenix: I. HATE. YOU.

B: okay but-

Phoenix: I FUCKING PROVED MAYA INNOCENT

B: okay i know that

Phoenix: BUT SHE’S STILL DEAD!!!

B: okay i’m saying-

Phoenix: I LITERALLY THOUGHT I COULD NEVER FIND A COURT WORSE THAN THE ONE AT HOME BUT WOW I FOUND ONE! WHERE IS JUSTICE? I WANT JUSTICE!

Barnham: you’re right

Phoenix: SHE WASN’T EVEN A WITCH OR WHATEVER THE HELL!

Barnham: what happens in the courtroom is my responsibility-

Phoenix: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS PROSECUTOR WHATSYOURFACE!

Barnham: ok but

Phoneix: YOU GUYS LIKE MAGIC SO GODDAMN MUCH I DEMAND YOU CAST A SPELL AND BRING MY BEST FRIEND BACK DO YOU HEAR ME. CAST A SPELL! BRING  MAYA BACK!!!! UNDEAD-IFY HER! HUMAN TRANSMUTATION PRONTO.

Barnham: okay that’s like. not possible. you watched fma right. But look, you can kill me if it makes you feel better. It seems like you really want to do that? So I’m giving you my permission?

Phoenix: THAT WOULD REQUIRE LOOKING AT YOU AND I DON’T WANNA SO GET THE HECK OUT OF MY FACE.

(in the distance): oh wait there they are

Luke: oh no Mr. Wright is yelling so much we’re gonna get captured:

Barnham: ok here’s how to escape

Luke: GREAT. Mr. Wright are you coming

Phoenix: idk i don’t care about anything rn

Luke: MR WRIGHT

Phoenix: fINE

honestly, same Phoenix

anyway they leave and Phoenix snaps out of it enough to realize he kinda almost got them captured and says sorry. “I GOTTA KEEP IT TOGETHER! THESE TWO NEED ME!” who is better at repressing horrible grief Phoenix or Apollo everyone take your votes

Phoenix also remembers Luke’s bff is dead rn too and thanks him for keeping it together. Luke is like “IT’S OKAY THEY’LL BOTH COME BACK I’LL FIGURE OUT HOW TO CAST RESURRECT” and Pheen’s like “yeah ok sure”

anyway we wander into rogue’s tavern and Pheen’s like “if Maya was here...she’d jump on the chandelier...and try to steal the candles...” until Maya comes back to life Phoenix  is going to comment on everything he sees and be like “if maya was here...she’d steal that...” “if maya was here...she would be destroying that by now” “i wish...i wish maya was here... to kick that person’s ass...”

wow a hot pirate lady is boss of this tavern of rogues i approve. She’s nice too. she tells luke he’s very level headed for someone so young “but what’s wrong with your friend there” and luke is like “oh don’t mind him he just saw his best friend burned alive but he’ll be fine by tomorrow that’s how long the grieving process takes im told”

Maya may be dead but that doesn’t mean Phoenix doesn’t have enough energy to insult any crappy art he sees

Nick can’t sleep he’s too depressed over Maya. BUT HE’LL BE FINE BY TOMORROW RIGHT LUKE. 

Nick decides the solution is to get grape juice get drunk “get a glass of water” at the tavern. 

okay the liquid glass is purple it is not water.

aaaaa this is suffering i care about Nick and Maya too much even this stupid crossover game is getting me

Nick: (about Luke) He seems to be....in good spirits but he just...lost someone very dear to him. I’m sure deep down he’s hurting... And Espella was nearly burned alive. And I can’t stop thinking Maya’s death was all my fault. But I...I need to be stronger. But I’m scared. I’m scared what happened to Maya will happen again. I’m the only one who can protect the two of them but it feels...hopeless.

OH NO A MUSIC BOX VERSION OF TURNABOUT SISTERS IS PLAYING WHYYYY

now Nick’s all “I CAN’T FORGIVE MYSELF” “Maya gave her life to save Espella! If only I’d been quicker she’d...she’d still be by my side..!” Nick there were like three guys on top of you it’s not a matter of being quick.

SERIOUSLY MUSIC BOX TURNABOUT SISTERS IS UNFAIR.

Luke overhears and is  all depressed too. THIS IS A FUN GAME.FUN TIMES.

It really is a good thing here because Luke is all “I’LL DO MY BEST MR. WRIGHT” and Nick’s inclination to dad any and all children who come his way distracts him from his overwhelming survivors guilt. THANK GOD FOR NICK’S DAD INSTINCTS. 

[voilafandomonium-blog]

The Best Worst Proposal

Fandom: Brooklyn Nine-Nine Pairing: Jake/Amy Rating: General/Teen (nothing explicit, or particularly mature. This is pure fluff) Disclaimer: Obviously I own none of the characters etc. Also, this is my first B99 fanfic, so beware (??). All mistakes are mine (feel free to point any out - I welcome constructive criticism/feedback).

Summary: It’s been a long week for Amy, and the last thing she expects is for Jake to pull an elaborate hoax to celebrate one of their anniversaries - and it’s not even an anniversary they’ve really celebrated before. But, because she loves him, she puts up with it (and in the end, it’s totally worth it).

Amy was exhausted after following up leads for almost a week concerning what seemed to be a low-level drug dealer. But after this many dead-ends, she couldn’t help but wonder if it was potentially more complex than she originally thought. Well, imagining that it was more complex was better than the alternative—that she missed something.

She entered the bullpen close to midnight, focused on how else she could approach the case. Case file in hand, she reread all available information. She just needed a new perspective, and potentially a new binder. She could organize all her leads and maybe she’d get that new perspective she needed.

“Five, four, three, two, one…”

Confused, Amy looked up to see Jake finish counting down before turning on celebratory music. Various members of the squad shot confetti into the air and began dancing in place with Jake before he slid forward on one knee. He only stopped when he was kneeling in front of her with a familiar red velvet jewelry box in his hand. It brought on an intense sense of déjà vu, but also made her heart stutter in anticipation.

Is this- could this be- no. He wouldn’t- her mind was struggling to process what was happening. All she could think was that her hair was probably a mess, and her makeup was probably smudged and everyone was looking at them, and Jake still wasn’t speaking. This was not how she had imagined (or planned) on being proposed to—if that was what this was! There was no evidence that Jake was proposing after three years of dating. Except the kneeling. And the ring box. And his smile. Oh God.

“Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth for the past three years. I spent a liiiiiiiitle bit more than one whole dollar on this ring. In honor of our anniversary of the best worst date ever, will you go out with me again tomorrow? You have to say yes.” He paused, wrinkling his nose. “Except not really. Because you have equal say in this relationship. Obviously. And I know you’ve got that one case that just isn’t working out. But I checked your calendar before setting all this up. Whaddya say?”

Amy felt like laughing (and crying, but that wasn’t the point). Jake wasn’t proposing. She was so stupid. All that worrying (and excitement and giddiness, shut up) for nothing. He was just being a dork and trying to celebrate one of their anniversaries.

“Ames?”

“Oh! Of course. I can’t wait to celebrate the best worst date ever with you.” She says, unable to hold back the giggle at the back of her throat.

Jake looked at her a little oddly at the giggle before sliding the ring on her finger—her left ring finger, not that it was important.

“Promise to keep it on, Ames? This one took a few tries to get, and I’ll be crushed—nay, devastated—if you lose it.” He requested with a goofy grin, holding her hand tightly. The goofy grin though...was it a little strained at the edges?

Before Amy could examine it more closely, Jake’s face shifted into his normal dopey look. Accepting that the ring was part of whatever scheme he had brewing for their date (it brought to mind a few other dates he had planned that were met with only moderate success—like the roller-skating incident) Amy nodded. “Sure, babe.”

Finally getting up to both feet, Jake grinned enthusiastically. “Thanks. You’re the best Ames.”

“I know.” She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly before grabbing her bag. “You ready to head home?”

“Yep. Just gotta put a few files away.” He waved three casefiles at her before jogging over to the records room. Amy contemplated following him (they’ve had some good times in that room) before deciding that it would require far too much energy. Falling into her chair, she began reorganizing her drawers while waiting.

She’s only made it through her top drawer when Jake reappeared. Putting on her coat and swinging her purse over her shoulder, she accepted Jake’s hand and waved goodbye to the rest of the squad.

With the familiarity of Jake’s conversation washing over her, the difficulty of her current case prodding the back of her mind and the exhaustion of a long day finally setting in, there was barely any room left in her mind to notice that the ring felt a little heavier than the one from five years ago.

Amy is nothing if not conscientious, but the ring that she told Jake she would keep on created some problems in her regular routines. She couldn’t shower with it, and had to remember to put it back on in the morning (after she had forgotten to put it on last night, after washing her face, Jake had complained—he was really serious about her keeping it on, for whatever reason). It got caught in her hair a few times as she ran her fingers through her hair after waking up, and it pulled at a loose thread in her pajama top as she was changing. But, Amy kept the ring on, because she told Jake she would (and Jake had put up with her and worn the matching sweaters she thought would be so cute on Thanksgiving. The least she could do was wear this stupid ring even if it made her heart beat a little funny).

She only had to tell two people that she wasn’t actually engaged. The first was her barista, Lauren. Lauren was their ‘regular’ barista, and Amy would almost consider her a friend. Almost. Upon seeing the ring, Lauren had squealed and attracted the attention of a few customers and her coworkers.

“Jake finally popped the question?” Lauren was grinning. “Lemme see that ring!”

Ignoring the embarrassment (God, it was so similar to the actual worst date, when she had been so goddam embarrassed in that horrible dress. Was that Jake’s plan all along? Because if it was, she had underestimated his planning ability) and everyone’s curious faces, Amy grinned ruefully. “No. He didn’t propose. This is just a gag – celebrating one of our anniversaries.”

Lauren looked crestfallen. “Really? Too bad, it looks like a nice ring – and it suits you.”

Except for the fact that it was plastic and cubic zirconia, Amy would have agreed. It could have been a tasteful round diamond bracketed by smaller baguette diamonds in a simple setting. Something she would have chosen for herself. But Amy knew better. “If only it weren’t plastic, right? Can I have our usual?”

“Sure thing. It’ll just take a second.” Lauren accepted the debit card and ran it before gesturing Amy to the side to wait.

The second person she tried to explain it to was a well-meaning older woman, also waiting for her drink.

“I don’t understand. You’ve got the boy, and the ring, but you aren’t engaged?”

“Yes. My boyfriend has an…interesting sense of humor. He likes to celebrate things a little differently. This is a joke.”

“What kind of joke is a fake engagement?”

“It’s not a fake engagement. We just…aren’t engaged.” Amy had to physically restrain herself from saying yet. “We’re only celebrating one of our anniversaries.”

“Hmph. I just don’t understand you young people.”

Before Amy could defend her generation of young people, the woman had gathered her tea and left.

After that, she just accepted the congratulations. It was easier. Also, only like two extra people offered congratulations.

Getting to the precinct, Charles took one look at her and giggled. Amy ignored him. He was probably just imagining that the ring was real (not unlike what she was doing), and was demonstrating his overinvestment in her and Jake’s relationship. Or he was in on whatever joke Jake had planned.

Surprisingly, a few of the perps around the bullpen and in the holding cell congratulated her (their frequent flyers - ones who remembered that Jake and Amy together. Amy tried to ignore how touched she was that they cared). Someone tried to steal the ring (she got to twist the dude’s arm up behind his back like she’d seen Rosa do before), and another gave her a lead on her drug case. After a late (late, late, really late) lunch, Jake texted her about their night. He and Rosa were on a stakeout for a string of B&Es they were working.

Wear something nice tonight. Idk when I’ll be back, so ill pick you up @ home @ 8

. . .

You mean you’re not going to choose my outfit this time?

. . .

Haha, Santiago. Not tonight. Unless you can finally admit that my fashion sense is superior

. . .

Never. You forget that I’ve seen you in a speedo.

. . .

And you loved every second of it.  Gtg, think the perp is here. Love you!!!!

. . .

Love you too.

Putting her phone down, she couldn’t help but be distracted by the stupid ring again. It was remarkably shiny for a gumball machine ring and reflected surprisingly well in the precinct’s harsh fluorescent lighting (just like it did in the sunlight). Avoiding the potential daydreams that she had been succumbing to more and more frequently (that involved a real diamond ring and an intimate ceremony not unlike the one she had planned for Rosa those years back), Amy went back to her paperwork. If she finished up the paperwork and logged evidence efficiently, she may be able to clock out at a reasonable time so she wouldn’t look like a total troll tonight (those were Gina’s words. Amy had made a note to look it up on UrbanDictionary. Weren’t those troll dolls supposed to be kind of cute?).

Eight o’clock found her in a blue dress, waiting for Jake to pick her up from the apartment. She was feeling oddly nostalgic for their (best) worst date, and the horrendous dress Jake had chosen. Instead of the hideous monstrosity with bow, this blue dress was actually flattering, and didn’t make her feel like she was fourteen again (or make her feel like Jake’s second choice. What was so great about Jenny Gildenhorn, anyways?).

Six minutes later, a car horn honked. Then honked again. And again, prolonged this time.

“That idiot.” Amy muttered, locking the door behind her as she rushed down the stairs. Opening the outer door, she was met by Jake, standing by the car, preparing to honk again.

“Wow, Jake. You’re really taking this…reenactment kind of far, don’t you think?”

Jake grinned before jogging over to open the passenger door for her.

“When have I ever taken things too far?” He joked. Amy gives him her patented Really? Are you kidding me, Peralta? look. “At least I’m not wearing the shorts.” He defended before closing the door behind her. Amy had to admit that she’s glad he’s not wearing the shorts—though he did dress up with a coat and tie (Amy couldn’t help but think that it was sweet that he actually took the time to think about changing for tonight before he left for work in the morning). It’s a pleasant change from the regular plaid/hoodie/jacket combo he usually wears at work (although, to be honest, she’s found herself to be quite a fan of that look too).

Closing his own door behind him, he paused to lean over and kiss her lightly on the cheek before moving in for a more intimate kiss. She smiled into it, leaning towards him and angling her head to try and take control. He grunted lightly before giving in. Too quickly, he pulled back and gave her a peck on the lips.

“You look gorgeous, Ames. Definitely should have let you dress yourself the first time.”

“Aww, where would the fun in that be, though?”

Jake laughs. “You’re right. Definitely wouldn’t have been any fun.”

The drive was spent in comfortable conversation. Amy critiques Jake’s driving while he cracks jokes. Intermittently, they discuss a few of their open cases. Amy hasn’t brought up her troublesome one yet, wanting to let it sit in her mind a little longer before bringing it up to Jake. Without realizing it, she’s apparently developed the habit of spinning the ring around her finger. The habit only came to her attention when Jake reached out to hold her hand halfway through their drive (offhandedly, she thought about how it would be a bitch to quit the habit, once she took the ring off).

After they’ve parked, she realizes they’re at Shaw’s. “Just like the actual date?” She asked him, walking into the bar still holding Jake’s hand. All Jake could do was nod and grin (is that a bashful grin?) before they’re met by almost the entire precinct. The night started like any other night after work—drinks with the squad, stories about best/worst perps, teasing Boyle and a few harmless bets. It didn’t feel like anything special (not that it had to, Amy would spend time with Jake however she can). But it shifted when Jake asked her to dance.

She still wasn’t the best dancer (unlike Jake—though she still hadn’t learned where he gained that particular talent), but she has undoubtedly improved over the years. “I swear to God, Peralta, if you’re going to try and make me dance that jig from The Titanic, I will murder you in your sleep.” She threatened. It was still unclear how far Jake is going to take them down memory lane.

“Nah, not tonight. Figured we could just sway a bit. That’s something you can handle, right?”

Rolling her eyes, Amy purposely stepped on Jake’s foot. The bastard just laughed before unexpectedly forcing her into a turn. She betrayed herself by laughing. Their planned swaying quickly evolved (devolved? Amy’s not sure exactly how to classify it) into poorly executed dips and twirls. But she and Jake were laughing the whole time, and it never occurred to her to chastise him for being a goof. It’s part of why she loves him, after all. And really, it felt remarkably romantic.

By the time the crowd has changed over to the drunker and/or late night party types, they’re saying their goodbyes and putting on coats in preparation for, as Jake called it, ‘Part 2 of the most amazingly awful best worst date in the history of ever.’

Amy barely had time to complain about the length of his name before they’re stepping out of the car again. The neighborhood wasn’t the greatest and she couldn’t see anything that looked like a place you would take someone on a date. Suddenly, she realized exactly where they are.

“Oh my god, Jake. Seriously? The building from our stakeout?” Amy was a little ashamed that her voice comes out more affectionate than she had planned. This was not what she would call an occasion to dress nice.

“Gotta do this right.” Jake says. For a split second his face showed shock before morphing into a forced look of humor. “Even brought some peanuts, ‘cuz you know I get snacky.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “How are we supposed to get into the building?”

“Through the door. Duh.”

Confused, Amy watched as he unlocked the front door and gestured her through. The last time they were here after hours they had to sneak in. Walking up the stairs, Amy can’t help but wonder how Jake got a key—how much planning had he put into this (subpar, if she’s being honest) date? The only thing it really has going for it is Jake, who usually finds ways to make all her days better. While it’s been fun to reminisce, part of her would have rather just stayed in and watched Property Brothers or something.

On the roof, she sat on a crate, trying to ignore the goosebumps on her legs. She admired the view (it’s not that great, actually) and waits for Jake to join her. As he sat down, he draped a blanket over her lap, successfully covering her legs and keeping her warm. A bit of her vague irritation leaks away.

“Thanks, babe.” She murmured.

“No problem. I know how cold you get. Your feet are like freezer-burned popsicles in the morning.”

“Hey! I can’t help the temperature of my feet!” she replied in fake outrage—this wasn’t a new argument.

“Socks, Amy. Socks help to keep our tootsies all toasty warm.” Jake said. “Dammit, I ruined the serious vibe I had going on. But how I could I not say ‘tootsies’ or ‘toasty warm’?”

Seeing Jake’s genuinely  concerned face, Amy couldn’t help but laugh. “If you hadn’t said either, I would have been concerned.”

Seeming to accept that, Jake nodded along before tossing a peanut up in the air and catching it neatly in his mouth. “Ready, Ames?”

“Hit me.”

They spent the next few minutes tossing peanuts back and forth. Amy noted, with a fair amount of pride, that she has definitely improved since their first night on this rooftop.

Jake, however, has been doing worse and worse as the night wears on.

“You okay, Peralta? Are my stupendous skill psyching you out?” She joked, trash-talking him as he missed yet another peanut.

His eyes, which had previously been rather glazed over, quickly refocused. He gave her a quick (and rather unconvincing) grin. “Yeah, your ‘volume is key’ strategy is really psyching me out, Santiago. Here, this’ll be a high one. Ready?”

Amy nodded. “Born ready.”

Jake tossed the peanut up in the air. Amy tilted her head back, trying to follow its path. She leans back a bit…almost there.

It bounced off her forehead.

“Dammit! Peralta, that ones on you, because that was a terrible throw!” She was laughing as she said it though, sitting up straight and getting ready to throw him a peanut (she’s thinking she’ll just chuck it in the air, see if he’ll run after it like the goober he is).

But, when she’s finally totally straightened up and has her eyes open (they’d been closed before, in laughter, she thinks), Jake was in front of her. Kneeling on one knee. And looking the most serious she has ever seen him.

Everything freezes.

“Oh.”

“Amy Santiago.” He grins. A genuine, god-i-love-you grin that reached his somewhat glassy eyes. Amy’s eyes were feeling a little glassy (i.e. wet) too, to be honest.

He continued, “I wasn’t lying when I said you’ve made me the happiest man on earth for the past three years. But, years ago we went on the best worst date ever and that was the moment that I realized what you could be to me—that you could be everything. And you are. I’ve been kind of obsessed with you since then, and I can only hope that you feel a little of the same,” Jake takes a deep breath before chuckling, “because I’d be honored if you would embark on the incredibly un-boring adventure of life together-”

Without her explicit permission, a choked little giggle-sob escapes Amy’s mouth. Jake ducks his head, and matches her with a wet-sounding chuckle.

“And continue to wear that ring for the rest of your life. Because it was definitely a little more expensive than the one I gave you almost five years ago. I’ve typed this speech up, revised it an practiced it a million times - Santiago style.” He winked. “So, Amy Santiago. Will you marry me?”

Amy never thought she would be one of those girls that cried when she was proposed to—she was too logical. Besides, she never thought she would be surprised by her proposal. It would be something she and her partner discussed and agreed on (more of a contract/mutual decision, her brain supplied). But here she was, crying.

But, Amy realized, she never expected to be partners with a man like Jake Peralta. Someone who pushed her and her buttons, who made her laugh and smile and made life always seem like an adventure. Someone who made her a better person, and drove her crazy in the best way possible despite (or because of) their differences.

“Uh, Ames? Should I stand up? Are you still thinking, or…?”

“Oh god.” She hadn’t answered. “Of course. Yes, I’ll marry you Jake. I would love to. Oh my god.”

Jake just laughed, lowering his head over where he had been gripping her left hand. “Thank god. I was starting to get a little worried.” He joked with her as he pulled her up to stand with him.

Amy could see in his eyes, though, that there had been a small part of him (the part of him that always reminded him that his dad left, and thought that he wasn’t worth her love. This was also the part that Amy endeavored every day to prove wrong) that had been worried.

“I love you. So much.” She reminded him.

“I love you, so much, too.” He responds before kissing her deeply.

Their first kiss as an engaged couple her brain reminded her. She smiled, giddy at the thought. Because she was kissing her fiance. And she was wearing an engagement ring-

Abruptly, she pulled away. Jake’s eyes popped open. “Not to complain, but you kind of ruined our moment there Santiago-”

“Are you telling me that I’ve been wearing an actual engagement ring for over 24 hours, thinking that it was a cheap vending machine ring?”

“Uh…maybe?”

“What if I had lost it? Or thrown it away because I thought it was stupid? Oh my god…”

“Well, then you would have plunged me back into crushing debt, babe. But you didn’t. Just like I knew you wouldn’t. Because you owe me after the Thanksgiving sweaters. But mostly because I know you still have the actual cheap plastic one in your jewelry box.”

Amy blushed. Because he was right—that stupid, scuffed, plastic ring was sitting in her jewelry box. She had retrieved it after their fake fight. And ever since then, it had been safely tucked away.

“Besides, this’ll make a great story to tell the kids. How their mom didn’t even realize it was the real engagement ring until a day later. Some detective you are.”

Amy punched him in the shoulder, ignoring his muttered ow. “Just because you’re my fiance doesn’t mean that I won’t still kick your ass.”

Instead of responding, Jake just grinned at her dopily.

“Jake?”

“You called me your fiance.”

Amy blushed before squaring her shoulders. “Well, you are my fiance. Besides, didn’t you just reference our unborn children? When did we discuss kids?”

It was Jake’s turn to blush. “I, uh, guess we didn’t. But, I kind of assumed…which I shouldn’t have. But, well. I want to. And I hope you do-”

Amy cut him off with a kiss. “I do too. We can talk numbers later. For now…let me just enjoy kissing my fiance.”

Jake grinned before obliging her.

Less than a minute later, he pulled away. “So, I was definitely going for a romantic vibe here, but whaddya say we move it inside?”

“Oh god yes, I’m so cold.”

“Plus, I figured a bed might be nice.”

“Ooooh, I like the way you think, babe.”

Jake winked at her playfully (it was a horrible wink – his entire face scrunched up) before gathering their stuff and grabbing her hand.

Laughing and kissing the whole way down the stairs they practically fell into the car. Amy spent the entire car ride with her left hand in Jake’s right. She could feel him stroking the ring and feel the metal heating up from their joined hands.

It was only later, lying in bed with Jake (this time he was absentmindedly stroking her back, with their fingers linked on his chest) that she realized she’ll never have to take the ring off. It will stay there forever, eventually joined by a second one—one that will match the ring he will eventually wear. She could keep spinning it around her finger forever.

She could go to the coffee shop tomorrow and show Lauren the ring for real, find that woman and tell her that the engagement is real. She could accept people’s congratulations because she really is getting married. To Jake Peralta. He’ll be her husband. And she’ll be his wife.

It was to those happy thoughts that Amy Santiago fell asleep, half laying on her fiance, with a smile on her face.

I really do hope y’all enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.