#idk expecting to get a gf just by sitting around is dumb let’s be real

[gregmarriage]

can’t tell if i’m hormonal or if it’s just late, but i’m angsty about the state of my love life yet again lol

[sastrugie]

john entwistle biography review

ok so first: I didnt really like the biography because I thought it would focus on totally different aspects. John was a musical virtuoso and that hardly ever gets mentioned in the book. But we get exact axccounts on how much money he spent on what day and in which pub he bought which champagne. like wow thanks. The other personal stuff is basic who knowledge you can read in any other Who biography. His autobiographical bits were joy and fun! Maybe the only reason to buy the book in my opinion. He writes totally different than the author...

ANYWAYS: here my fav facts from the book that you probably didnt know before

this is the face of a man who -when his father gave him driving lessons for his 21st birthday as a present- decided driving wasnt really his thing and he spent the money on clothes and parties instead. He never had a drivers license ever and also never desired to have one 

the hospital he was born in, was bombarded and destructed one day after his birth

as a child he was really weak and thin and had basically every disease that existed

his family was poor af

his father left the family early and held contact with his son, but soon disappeared with a new family

his stepdad, Gordon, disliked John alot and would ignore him, hated everything John did or said and he let his bad moods out on Johns mother, which caused John to be very silent and observative around the house so that there wouldnt be any trouble

he did everything to please Queenie (his mom) so that there was no fighting, according to Alison

loved drawing and playing but usually alone since he had no friends apart from their dog

he heard a trumpet solo once from a trad jazz band when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to learn the trumpet

my fav line of the book probably: “despite his own expectations, he passed the exams to go to grammar school” like same

at school he was bullied from the older boys but soon left alone by them because he would fight back with badass comments 

he applied for the school band for the trumpet but the tallest guy in the year was chosen (he was the 2nd tallest)  which made John mad, but he discovered the french horn

soon he found a friend, mickey brown, at last and he gave him the nickname “ent”

he was so terrible in P.E that he was dismissed with other pupils to play somehwere else, they were called “the hockey misfits” and guess who was among them: Pete Townshend.

yeah as you might know they became besties because they loved music and black humour.

he found himself a gf (alison) and Pete & a school gang (like 4 ppl) and his life seemed to finally get where it should.

his worst subjects were geography and german like wow (im a german geography student lmao)

once they played in a pub and johns stepdad was there and was super angry and gave john a list with his fav pubs and told him “these are the places I never want to hear your fucking music playing”.

after walking home pete decided to switch the guitar and john wanted to become a musician more than ever

Roger found him and John kind of convinced him (it took months apparently) to get Pete into the band and then it all started

he judged the beatles because John Lennons harmonica was “out of tune” in love me do, wow ok you nerd

john started smoking with 20 and was the last one to quit his job for the band and he was against drugs at first (bc he had a “civilized” job) but then decided to give a shit, dyed his hair black, bought cigarettes, smoked dope with pete and did speed too

he wanted to step out of himself and feel good about himself and he was always a fashionnerd so he started buying and trading and selling clothes (he once was dismissed from school bc he wore the school uniform incorrectly)

with 18 or so he was still living at home, had a toy soldier collection and a pet budgie

pete and his college friends made fun of john bc he wasnt a student and still lived at home, although john could have gone to college too and he wanted to, but his stepdad again said no and he had no choice.

he was very awkward and introverted but could open up with his music 

he was really into pop art (esp pop art clothes)

was a pseudo mod bc he only liked the fancy clothes and motown music

with the who he found a purpose in his life and finally could be different than ordinary ppl

hated when people touched his hair, he literally hated it

would fuss much about his hair in general

once after a concert they were starving and the room service was alreday home so they had to look on used plates and food wagons and John found a shrimp and said: “who wants to dine with me tonight?” (idk that really made me laugh)

keith moon was john entwistles soulmate and they were the cutest, most iconic and funniest duo ever end of discussion

his amps would soon be called little manhatten bc he had so many bc he wanted to be loud

he actually went to sing at church once when he was like 24 and the band made fun of him then he stopped

in the late 60s he bought a house with alison in a normal neighbourhood and went walking the dogs on sundays and stuff

but he was a party animal and always the last to go

he was really sensitive and cried often according to Alison but only in front of certain people

he would totally step out of his way to please people

when they played at the monterey pop festival they didnt bring their own amps along and john was furious bc he said the american amps are shit and kit was like “no” and john didnt talk to him for the whole festival until their perfomance was over and they had sounded like shit to tell kit “I TOLD YOU SO” thats how extra he was

when he got money he would spend it bc he was so used to being poor that he thought it wouldnt last long and he had to enjoy it NOW

he was always calm and everyone respected him and kit told a story where he entered the room and roger was at keiths throat and and pete was screaming something and john was sitting in the corner cleaning his nails. thats who energy

liked to dance at parties

his fav drink was rémy cognac with 40% and he would drink like 1 bottle alone everyday in his later years...wow dude

he was also gentlemanTM and once paid taxis for girls from london to brighton after a party

once at a wedding the free drinks were out and John just gave the barkeeper his creditcard and said he will pay for all the drinks of the night for everyone (it wasnt his wedding)

Roger once said: “John made smartass comments that deserved a punch in the face” sounds like him yes

he didnt really care about money and always wanted to pay and never told anyone how much things had cost and brought gifts for everyone

soon that ended in a shopping addiction tho and he bought ridiculous things for ridiculous amounts of money

when the who was inactive he sank into depression :(

held the band together during who by numbers & who are you

wrote and played all the quadrophenia horn parts himself

never lost his passion for art and always drawed alot, said Alison

cried when Christopher was born aww

once he saw their manager in an art museum and how he wanted to buy a painting but couldnt afford it, so John bought it secretly and shipped it to said managers home as a gift

We all know John was a huge collector. His most treasured collection was .. wait for it: teapots.

he tried to save Keith from being arrested once and ended up being arrested too lol

wanted to write a scifi concept album but desorted the idea and gave some songs to the who (905) or Pete

was a good cook apparently

When he gave a hug HE was the one who decided when to let go sdfghjk

hated confrontation and would hire other people to tell someone bad news

he spent so much money on dumb shit like wtf

but didnt really care either

probably the master in picking up and seducing girls

he let his stepdad live in the quarwood mansion when he wasnt there but Gordon was still an asshole wtf

the contact to his real dad was really sporadic

when the who ended, it hit him really hard and he didnt know what to do besides partying and buying stuff/hording stuff

was very insecure and selfconscious in the 80s according to Maxene :(

he actually took pete breaking up the who really personal and was sad 24/7

was that kind of guy that said bad stuff about the who but when you said bad stuff he would try to kill you on spot

with cocaine he felt really confident and still like the 60s/70s rockstar he once was but he didnt understand that these times were over and he needed to move on

sometimes went into random pubs with friends and made jam sessions for the guests

he still was generous and loving until he died and tried to play with other bands but it was not the same

he really liked Kenney and hung out with him more than with his wife at some point lmao

was a total giver and people who worked at quarwood would steal money from him but when someone pointed that out he got angry with that person for even suggesting that

was a real softieee (and a huge nerd)

all his friends said that he was shy at first but once you got to know him he would come totally out of himself, was very funny, loved to tell stories, was very very loyal and would try evertyhing to make you laugh aww

all in all a glorious story with a sad ending and he did destroy himself completely, but lets remember that Pete Townshend described old John still as "wonderful, mature and elegant” so lets cling on to that :)

[bluedelinquent-blog]

         i. right, where do i even start with ep 2? hold on, lemme roll myself an after work joint.... 

         right, where were we? episode 2 !! i’ve literally been holding all this in for days bc i didn’t want to spoil anyone but omg hrgdfhgkjdfhgkjh !! it was so, so good. there’s so much i want to say about it, so i’ll go through it step by step, whatever stuck out to me. you don’t have to even read this, it’s all just crazy, fangirl ramblings. i just love chloe so much ok??? 

         so imma just say THAT BEGINNING. i knew chloe was going to end up being suspended/expelled at some point which i knew was gonna be a bummer, but the way she went out !! that’s my lil firecracker. <3 i decided to go with owning up & taking all the blame bc i feel like she hella would’ve done that for rachel. you think she’s gonna stand there & let them kick her girlfriend out of the play like that?? hell no. also lowkey loved the bit where justin robbed her hidden stash. i’d murder a bitch.           ALSO MY FAVOURITE BIT OF THE WHOLE EP WAS WHEN CHLOE TRASHED THE TOILETS WITH GRAFFITI TO DAUGHTER ‘NO CARE’ THAT WAS THE FUCKING BEST THING EVER !! LITERALLY HAD TEARS IN MY EYES BC IT WAS SO FUCKING CHLOE          then the car park bit with eliot. kjhfdgkdfg. it’s so cute, the little crush he has on her. the little book of poems he dedicated to her, secretly. chloe’s not used to people crushing on her, it’s usually the other way around. but yeee, i’m loving how they’re kinda continuing on the legacy of max/warren but with chloe/eliot.          OKAY AND THE DISAPPOINTMENT CHLOE MUST’VE FELT WHEN HER MOTHER ‘CHOSE’ DAVID OVER HER PRETTY MUCH. ;_;  SHE LITERALLY FEELS LIKE EVERYONE IS GETTING UP & FUCKING OFF. EVERY SINGLE DAY SHE WAITS FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO GET UP & LEAVE.           okay & then we have the junkyard scene which always gives me hella feels bc i think of all the people that have died there or have parts of their death there ( the wrecked car, rachel’s body, chloe was shot there...twice). anyway, i love any scene where chloe’s chilling out & smoking, so where she’s hanging upside down, i like... squealed. also the bit on top of the ship, with the daughter song. <3           CHLOE’S MOTHER FUCKING CAR & THE DREAM SEQUENCE. i legit cried when i saw william & how fucked up he was, that whole scene was my aesthetic goals in life tbh. gave me severe donnie darko vibes, idk. it just kinda shows that chloe’s series is gonna be hella dark, which i kinda assumed anyway. WHICH IS WHAT I KINDA WANT BUT THEN I’M SO PROTECTIVE OF CHLOE. ;_;           ALSO CAN I JUST SAY ALL THESE REFERENCES TO FIRE ARE LITERALLY GIVING ME LIFE. <333333 IDK WHY BUT I REALLY DO RELATE FIRE TO CHLOE (AND OBVS RACHEL), BUT I FEEL LIKE IT FULLY PORTRAYS HER RAGE & HATRED AT THE WORLD. LIKE SHE ENJOYS IT.            THEN WE HAVE THE RACHEL/CHLOE CAR SCENE. ;_; ;_; JUST KINDA PROVES THEY’RE GF’S. i also like how they can literally talk to each other about anything, no filter. their little therapy sesh. <3 the fact rachel let chloe put her legs up on her & held onto them. <3 the little bag of clothes she brought her. <3 rachel resting her head on chloe’s shoulder. <3 chloe’s so shook, she never expected this to happen to her. it still feels so surreal for her.           MY SECOND FAVE PART OF THAT EP WAS THE RV SCENE WITH CHLOE & FRANK. :’) literally, related so much man. her trying to sneak the bag of weed he kept on the side & him calling her out, i was literally laugh crying. the funniest bit by far. y’know, i reckon their relationship is one of my faves? they’re both dropouts, both feel super worthless, they compliment each other really, really well. you can tell frank cares too tbh.           it’s also official that samuel is the deepest character in this game tbh. :’) that mother fucker had chloe stunned, she never shuts her mouth when kinda being insulted?? also steph having a crush on rachel, i was like nahhhh, back off my girl. fite me. you gotta understand rachel/chloe be my otp. also that fucking scene with skip outside the boys dorms, period talk literally works every fucking time. trust me. xD that scene with mikey & drew shook me up too. i hate the sound of someone being beaten the shit out of. you can tell that sucked for chloe too, cause she couldn’t do anything to help. :(          WHEN THE SCENE BACKSTAGE OF THE PLAY BEGAN I HAD SHIVERS BC THE MUSIC, THE ATMOSPHERE. WELL DONE LIFE IS STRANGE YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN. GZ. the bit that got me the most was chloe sticking up for nathan, yet again. his dad’s a fucking asshole. but yeee, it makes me sad thinking about chloe standing up for the person that killed her all the time. like they have no idea what’s to come?? it makes me so so sad.... knowing chloe’s going to lose rachel soon.          CHLOE IN THE FUCKING BLUE BIRD OUTFIT I ALMOST DIED. HER FUCKING PISSED OFF FACE. also, the fact rachel can literally make her do anything. i love that about my otp, anything is possible. <3 THE SCENE ON THE STAGE AS WELL WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. ALL OF IT. RACHEL AMBER LITERALLY GOT ON ONE KNEE & SPOKE TO CHLOE LIKE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE ROOM. IT GAVE ME SHIVERS. i also fucking hated the bit where everyone laughed at nathan, that’s bullshit. those assholes are what pushed nathan towards snapping & killing chloe. -.-         OKAY AND THE KISS. IT WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE. ;_; ;_; THEY’RE SO GOOD TOGETHER HONESTLY, THE CREATORS HAVE DONE SO WELL BC YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. I JUST LOVE THE WAY CHLOE HELD HER CLOSE & KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE KISSES LIKE LOVE ME. THE LITTLE SMILE RACHEL HAD ON HER FACE AFTER. GUYS HOLD ME. MY OTP KISSED. FINALLY. <33333

        then there’s the amber household scene, which i loved bc chloe turned up to a ‘bad example, scumbag boyfriend meeting the parents’ type of situation. i literally related to chloe so much in this scene tho bc she comes from quite a poor household, not used to much glam & she’s being shown this completely different life, THEY HAVE PLATES. NICE PLATES. AND DIFFERENT TYPES OF GLASSES. they actually sit at the table like a normal family, like chloe used to.... but yeeee, THE CONCLUDING SCENE.          RACHEL’S FATHER IS A MASSIVE ASSHOLE. -.-  BUT I’M LOWKEY HAPPY BC HE CALLED CHLOE A DELINQUENT & I SCREAMED BC OF MY URL. c;  rachel losing her shit at her dad was cool tho, i’m happy someone called him out. alsoooo, what is it with rachel & her like extreme rage? it’s a lot scarier than when chloe gets angry?? that table smashing gave me chills tho. I’M ALSO DISAPPOINTED I DIDN’T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THAT THAT WOMAN WAS RACHEL’S REAL MOM. I’M SO DUMB.... 

        I ALSO GOTTA PRAISE THE FACT THEY USED SOOOO MUCH DAUGHTER IN THAT EPISODE. FFS MY FAVE BAND. IT’S ALL SO SO PERFECT TBH. although, i kinda feel like they’re missing out so much?? there’s only one episode left & we still don’t know a lot of shit. like when does jefferson arrive? when does rachel actually go missing? when does chloe dye her hair & get a tattoo?? who the fuck is this dealer guy?? what’s he got to do with anything? etc etc etc etc.         thanks for letting me bore you guys with my thoughts on the ep, if you even read up to this bit. :’) this is probs the longest thing i’ve ever written for any fandom. i just love this game so much...

[rezilient-m3]

6) James and I started dating on January 19th, 2001. I still remember that night vividly, even though we had been drinking. It wasn't much, but enough to make me do dumb things, like take him into the raunchy bedroom with no sheets and have sex with him. Not even thinking of his gf, my old best friend from a cpl years prior. (You'll see that I have a tendency to do this to ppl). I was a bitch. But I really thought they weren't even together at the moment cuz they were always breaking up, as kids would do.

I think a big part of why I did was to get back at the boy who I let take my virginity and didn't talk to me after, UNTIL this night. Or tried to, but I wasn't for it. I had a handsome, new guy to think about now. But like I said, I didn't think he'd even be into to me after lol. So, I wasn't even expecting his call I got the next day. He made Marie call my landline (I had my own number) and he came on. I was so happy! I don't really remember how things went soon after, but I know we were inseparable for a year. (He was living with Marie and her family, my uncle is her dad, and her mom was sisters of the social worker in our reserve. So, something about a voluntary placement so he can stay on the reserve. James' mom lived in a city.) After school was out I always went visit him at his mom's, and he would find places to stay to stick around our reserve. I'm pretty sure at one point he was staying with my older sister, Gale, as a sitter for her kids lol. Our families accepted were were a couple.

When school was about to start, I was only going into grade 8, and him 9. I was bummed he'd be an hour n a half away but was going to accept it cuz he had to go live with his mom now n go to school. BUT the weirdest shit happened. I was visiting him, we were about a week away from the first day, him n his mom were talking about what they can do about him coming back to the reserve and where he can stay, cuz he didn't want to move. All of a sudden I heard her say, "why don't I ask her mom if you can stay there?" Shocked the hell out of me, then I remember thinking, "no way my mom will agree and say yes." Wellllll, she fucken did. Lol. I was only going to be 13, he had already turned 15. All I can say about that is just WOW. Can you imagine the scandal? Lol.

At the time I was happy we would be together. My mum's only rule was, not gonna share rooms. That lasted like a week or 2. Soon, we were in the same bedroom and living together. This was September. I don't even remember how this worked, or if I even hung out with my friends. Pretty sure I did cuz my room was the place to hang out and match each other weed.

We had reached our year Anniversary. Never broke up in that year. But I remember I was feeling smothered by him always being around and him not wanting to go to see his friends, or leaving me alone. I started ditching him at home, not telling him where I was going, cuz he was a lil stalker and always found me. Crazy when I think about it now. Needless to say, I started cheating on him. Dumb thing was, in my thinking, "he should know so he can decide if he really loves me to stay, or go." And I always told him when I did. It was almost always too. Rank. I started to sleep around with different guys. I was pretty shameless. Kinda gross lol. Omg.

I used to keep count, but almost most of the guys I knew going through my high school years. And it wasn't even intentional either, I'd black out, drinking, and was always looking for someone to hook-up with. James and I were always breaking-up and getting back together. It went on like this right until March 2006. I feel bad, now, for the way I've treated him. Cuz back then, I don't think he actually ever cheated on me. Or maybe he did, idk. N I can't even tell you why he endured all those years of humiliation. Think it still bothers him today, cuz even now when he's been drinking he brings up our past. Mostly our recent past, but all of this was the beginning of our ugliness.

I should mention, we split for a few months the winter I was 14, had to be March? Can't be too sure, might've been earlier. There was a hockey tournament in another city, our reserve always went. And me n my friends would follow and go drinking. I met this guy, and shocker, I slept with him that night in his truck. (Like I've said, I was shameless). He was from another reserve, at the same tourney. I thought that was the end of it. Next day i was embarrassed cuz my friends knew and I noticed him following me around, always tryna talk to me. I felt this way cuz he was a chubby kid that wasn't all that hot. He wasn't hideous, but I just wouldn't have gave him a 2nd thought if I was in my right mind. Poor guy lol. Funny thing about this guy was he had a cousin living in my reserve, and dumb thing was, this cousin was the kid I had always been fooling around with on James lol. Small world. So, he got my number from his cousin. AND even came as far as coming to out reserve, to our school, with his cousin and was roaming our hallways a few weeks after the tourney. I swear I almost died when Marie come running to me, telling me, "you'll never guess who's here!" Lol. Omg. We left the school and we were walking to her house and they pulled up to us, asked us to jump in, we go, most awkward ride of my life, get dropped off and say bye lol. We go out with them drinking that night, it was the weekend and I give in and start getting to know him. He was funny and easy to get along with. Big head grew on me lol. He was my bf for the following months into summer. I loved him. I think he did too. But I was a bitch and treated him like how I treated James. Always cheating, but he'd never wanna break up. I was horrible, cuz he really was a good kid. At the time, before me, he never really drank, pretty sure I took his virginity that night in his truck, and he danced powwow. I feel like I corrupted him. The way we ended was, one weekend in July, it was his reserve's powwow. My grandma and mum were actually staying at his mom's to attend and visit. I actually didn't feel like drinking but his friends, and the cousin from my reserve and his gf all wanted to drink. So I did. Bad idea. I was at a house party, not knowing who was who. The cousin's gf knew he and I always hooked up before and decided now was the perfect time to jump me with 3 other girls I don't know. And they all let it happen. I was blacked out, I don't remember any of it. I got dropped off at his mom's by a couple from that party who probably felt sorry for me. Next day, not knowing the whole story, I left back home with my mum and grandma. That was the end of us after I heard from his cousin's, who were sort of my friends, and they heard from people at that party of what really happened. I never got to ask him why he let it happen. Anyways, it's almost time for school to start, and I was was still friends with his cousin's. There were 3 girls who were always together. They talked me into moving in with one of them and starting the school year there. Idk why I choose to, cuz it didn't last. I moved back home after a month and a half. The girl I chose to live with was a thief and always stole money, real fake friend. I just didn't feel right, plus we lived with her older sister, cuz like me, she came from an older family. I just didn't feel like I belonged there. During those weeks of living there, though, I almost took my ex back. I wanted to, but he never admitted he wanted to and I never did either. So that was the end of us after that. I heard he turned into a man whore after that. Now, he was the one cheating on gfs. Think he ended up having 3 kids with 3 girls. He passed away the year I was pregnant with my first daughter. Died young, in a collision cuz he was a truck driver. RIP.

I moved home that October, in grade 10 and continued on with James. So, in those years, that was our break. Until we ended it in March of '06.

I can talk about my first son's dad, D. It's now April and the time of MSN messenger, we didn't have a computer at the time so only used it at my other best friend at the time, Mary's, where she used to babysit. She had made my account and added who she had on hers. Nobody, but close friends, really knew who I was on there. And one of them was D. He noticed I was on there and would keep asking who I was, and I never told him. I knew who he was. I'd seen him around, he was new to our school and used to go out with my cousin. One time I happened to actually agree to babysitting for my oldest sister, Ann. She had a computer and I was logged into MSN. My niece, Demi, was with me visiting and went on and started answering my messages. One of them was D asking me, again, who I was. He finally knew. Then dummy asked me out. That's how everyone had got together, it wasn't dates first, you just become a couple lol. And she wrote yes! I was so weirded out cuz I didn't know him personally and never even thought of him that way. After I was done sitting, I went pick him up at his sisters, drove around awkwardly and dropped him off. In school, even though he was about 3 and some years older than me, I was still ahead of him in classes. We only had one class together and it was weird cuz that one class, he'd just stare lol. At the time I had 2 other best friends, along with Marie and Claire, I had Charles and Randall. I was more with them than the girls now, since like grades 8 or 9. Anyways, not about them. Point was, I told Charles and he was laughing, like wtf, odd couple lol. And everyday after school I had a rule about my truck, Charles and Randall always had dibs, and whoever wanted to come had to call the 2 other seats. One day, D was waiting by my truck. Mind you, the only talking we ever did was on messenger. So i was freaked out by the surprise. He jumped in, and got super stoned with us. He didn't even get high regularly lol. He asked to be dropped off and that was it.

I was saying I didn't think I could do it cuz it was too awkward. But he ended up calling my mum's house, breaking up with me. So, I say it's cool, no hard feelings lol. His reason was, his mom and my dad were cousins. I accepted that... like what a weird side story. But noooo, he called me like 3 days later saying he wanted to give us a shot cuz, "he wasn't my real dad, so we're not blood related." Fuck we were dumb lol. But nobody seemed to care, cuz technically, he was right. And again, I got used to him. We actually turned out to get along really well. Our humour matched each other and I had always had fun with him. I graduated, we spent the summer together. Then, I decided I wasn't going to post secondary and "take the year off". He decided he didn't want to go back to school cuz I wasn't attending. So, like my previous relationship, he turned out to be super clingy. And, again, I was a cheater and he never wanted to end it. It was sort of toxic cuz he would cheat, even went as far as getting another gf 3 hrs away and going to see her. But we always took each other back.

That December I found out I was pregnant. I was 18, he was 22. We stayed together, and were good for those months. But it went back to being bad again cuz I started drinking after I had my son.

James was always in the picture cuz he'd always call and I never really let him go, and he was always the one calling so I take it it that he didn't either. During this time too, James had been in 2 other relationships, and been in jail for the months I was pregnant. (I wouldn't know what for for real until a couple years later). But he had heard from his current gf I had a son, cuz she would look at my Bebo profile. Back when that was a thing.

My son was only 5 months old when I broke it off with D for the last time and went back to James. I can't really say I regret this decision because I'd go on to have my 3 beautiful daughters and I'll just have to believe everything happened for a reason.

I just feel horrible I did that my son's dad. He really was a good guy and I knew he really tried to have a family and he loved me. I was young, not really ready to grow up and I thought I loved James more.

My son is 12 now, was raised good, a respectable young man. He was raised by D's parents. D has a gf, had been with her after us, so a long fucken time lol. We still hooked up (before her), like a couple times. Still talked about things, and I was happy at the time we could still be friends. He was a person I still could have trusted about anything. It all changed when he got this gf though. Idk why, I knew we were over. Once, when James and I broke up (my son was already living with his parents, and before I got pregnant with my first daughter) I had asked D if he wanted to try again. I swear that was my first time ever asking someone to take me back lol. But he said no, he didn't trust me. With good reason, though. I had hurt him. So, idk why that girl made him delete and block me on Facebook. Just one day, I was going to ask him if he ever gotten our kid's school pictures done and he was gone. It was just done lol. To this day, we don't talk. I talk small talk if he comes into the store when I'm working, but nothing else. Whatever though, I hope he's happy lol. It was just sudden, cuz we were actually friends before that. Damn jerk lol.

I think I'll stop here. I now have a son, and just gotten back together with James. I think I'm at January of 2008. Rough times ahead.

Plus, there's a lot of stuff I've missed in my high school years I'll probably come back to if needed. All of these are just main events. But until next time, ✌.

[ventingrightnow]

Sharing dinner at the hoopla across the table from one another and people going “wtf is happening” “CRUSH and ME split their dinner” “why?” LMAO

Driving to get fireworks with Lady Boss and 34Boss and jamming in the backseat, aka just throwing ourselves back and forth at one another.

Sitting on the Hoopla porch swing and giggling very close to one another. He later said that it was a perfect moment and he wished he could’ve stayed outside longer.

Coming back from the hoopla to see a note on my desk from Cigar Boss. He sees me reading it and I show it to him and he sighs, hurt, places a hand on my shoulder and walks away. He later comes by my desk after weekly meeting and says “you can’t show me stuff like that” “aww, were you upset?” “I was tearing up at my desk a little bit” “aww! Do you need a hug?” “Yes.” I get up and hug him, arms around the waist, it’s a sweet moment, I could feel my boobs against his bulky chest. Then he continues to say he was upset, I go “there is a heart in there! Not just black sludge and Malort”

“You’re a little stoner!” “I am not a stoner” “lemme do an impression of you@ — sits back in chair, smirking, eyes half closed ... hey want a hit?”

He later tries to give me part of his L sectional (after showing me pictures of his new place coming together) and asks me, as a joke, how much I’d be willing to pay for it and I go, uhh a hug and a kiss, and he dissociates into oblivion for 2 seconds before I quietly sing “a bushel and a peck ..” how do you know that old song?” Cause my parents are old! 50 and 55 ...

He is flying to Florida this week and wanted to double check all his flight and hotel information and I ask him to just give me access to his calendar so I can do this remotely and he lets me and I go over to his desk to do it for him, bending over his desk in a dress and he is literally an inch from my face next to me watching. I swear he smelt my hair. And my hair smelled good (thank god)

Him watching me work out at the office 😂 definitely interesting. Eager to see if he mentions my stand-up set. I really wanna know what he thought.

UPDATE: while he didn’t bring up the topic himself (annoying) I go, what, no feedback on my stand-up set? “Oh I didn’t really talk to you after I watched it” (he seemed distracted) what’d you think?, then he makes a poor joke that it was filthy and he was worse for watching it, and gape at him saying that I’m the meanest sensitive person, then he goes that he liked it and couldn’t imagine doing that himself, especially not to talk about a dirty story in front of all those people. He loved the “oh yeAH?” Line, the work-out joke and wondered if it was a real story. I say yes and that it’s actually worse, I wish I was fucking in a basement it was actually in the back of my dad’s BMW. He said he’s not one to blush and that I did warn him. He also liked the bit about bracketing a fuck proposal with “haha”

Idk what this means. The whole stand-up set is a joke about how unsexy I am by talking about sex filth and all he does is talk about sex filth so I kinda assumed he’d like it a lot? And he kinda seemed like while he appreciated it and thought it was funny — maybe he thought my being a filthy person was just a me and him thing, and to see me share something super personal with an audience of 300 surprised him? I was kinda expecting him to pull me aside and give me a high-five, SOMETHING that would show that he appreciated that I even sent him the damn link, which I didn’t have to do. Oy. I’m not super salty since he’s busy today but like ... I dunno. I was expecting a high-five. Both him and chubby sales w/GF’s main comments were that they couldn’t IMAGINE getting on stage and doing that so that was impressive which is kinda a cop-out comment? Like, here’s the food I prepared! Takes a bite, wow, you cooked ALL OF THIS? Great job! Like, no, did you like how it tasted, not that it’s impressive to cook a lot. Am I over thinking this? Probably. He’s busy. I’m annoyed now. Not really. It was an old set. But usually people who see me on stage like me more? Like, whenever someone watches — no, remember guys get intimidated by funny women. It’s so dumb and annoying. You think he’s intimidated by you now? No, I mean, idk. He’s busy today. That’s why he’s being distant. He’s got shit to do. Ugh.

LMAO hacked into his account to change the privacy settings on his calendar and he immediately got a notification that someone was hacked into his account and he marched up to my desk asking if it was me and I said no LOL said it could be Mike Muth (why?) as a joke and he asked if Mike had come to the office before and I said yes and he said don’t lie me, you’re smooth but I can tell when you’re lying, and then said “no actually I have no idea who’s in my account” and then walked away Hahahha WHOOPS

[leighasnotebook]

Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*