#idk anyway hopefully the test goes well and i can do this cycle

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok just had my dr appt and am feeling a lot better.

we’re going to increase my dosage of the meds + do a diagnostic test on friday to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked (and i guess the test itself can improve conception rates after because of the type of dye they use?). the cost of the test is within the range i felt i could afford so that’s good too. most importantly she was really reassuring about the “if you have 3 failed cycles IUI won’t work for you” advice that is allllll over the internet. her take is that the research focuses mostly on heterosexual couples who likely had difficulties conceiving naturally for a year or more before seeking fertility care... meaning they’ve typically gone through 15-16 unsuccessful cycles (12 of trying to conceive naturally + 3-4 with IUI). in that case there’s likely some other reason things aren’t working and so it makes sense, timing wise and financially, to move on to the highest-tech option (ie IVF). but for single women and/or lesbians who are trying to conceive, those 3-4 IUI cycles are their first and only attempts. and if the medical history looks good and the person is responding well to the medication, then it might just be a timing and luck thing. so she says if everything looks good on the test we’re doing friday, she recommends that i try six cycles before we reassess. and if i can balance the costs and don’t want to do IVF, she says there’s no reason why i couldn’t follow the regular guidance for couples trying non-medicated cycles ie a full year of trying (although at that point i might decide the financial / emotional cost isn’t worth it). 

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[mollydollyjournals]

My period started today so I'm extra huge. But I also binged. So I feel especially terrible. I really wanted to drink. For my mood and to not be so aware of my body. I didn't, because I know that in the end I'll feel worse...that'd be even more bloating and I don't think I can deal with that. This is difficult enough as it is. I definitely kept wanting to drink. Eventually I think I didn't because it just got late in the day. I do still have one single serve bottle - I could just have that to feel a little better. But idk if there's much point. It won't actually make me happy. I'd want to drink a proper amount. Which I can't and won't now.

I guess that's about the only good thing about today. That I managed to avoid drinking. I got my covid test result back negative as well. Other than that I've been really tired and kind of nauseous. Hb was really noisy a few hours before I was due to get up so that didn't help. I did a little bit of housework and got so exhausted I had to stop halfway and lie down. I'm going to have to try to finish it tomorrow, which still won't be easy because I'm sure my period is part of why I feel so terrible right now.

Hb noticed the newer marks on my arm earlier. I thought he had already, they've been there for maybe 2 weeks now. Idk my sense of time isn't great. He kind of just went back to looking at his phone right afterwards. I don't really know what to make of it.

Lockdown is changing on Monday and I can legally see bf. Just in time for my birthday, and his. I'm scared. I don't remember how to be around people, and I feel so disgusting in my body. I want to see him, but I don't want him to see me. I feel like I need more time. I won't want to see him on my period because I'll just be in pain and tired and bloated and want to stay in bed, so I'm going to see if we can make it a week later. But it's not like that's enough time to fix everything. Even if I eat well this week, I usually can't exercise on my period due to fatigue and nausea, so I can't expect anything to change.

I guess I just have to hope that I feel differently when the bloat goes away. It'll be at its worst now. I'm lying on my back and I feel like my belly is a dome above me. It's just I know it's not all bloat and water retention. My face is huge, my thighs are high and disgusting, that stuff will only change a little by next week. Idk.

I decided to get back into DDR. Over the years I've tried to do other things - I tried running for a while (as expected, I'm extremely bad at it and barely burn any calories or enjoy it or anything, so I stopped), I have an exercise bike (I used to love spin class and I like getting on the bike and listening to music, but I do also get kind of bored sometimes and my butt always really hurts afterwards even though there's a lot of cushioning both on the bike seat and on me), and thus past year I did some YouTube workouts (I always find these are either too difficult or don't burn enough). I've just never found anything as good as DDR for easily adjustable and personalisable HIIT with a potentially really high calorie burn. I used to be able to do the really fast ones and burn loads, but it's been a long time of bad health since then. So I'll have to start from scratch. I figured I'll try doing the easy songs I used to do when I first started. Thing with DDR is it has workout mode so you can easily set a calorie goal - back then I used to set that goal and then just get to it no matter how long it took, rather than doing like an hour of something that could vary in intensity.

There just isn't a good space in my current house for it all though. I've loved here for a few years and never played DDR properly here because of it. So I had to buy some things and rearrange some things to try to get a good enough space. I have 2 mats and I have no idea where they are. I have a bad feeling they'll have got crushed in storage somewhere. So I bought a new one. But the tracking info says they sent it via Hermes and I hate Hermes so it's not here yet and might not be for a while. They don't exactly make PS2 dancemats anymore so there isn't a whole lot of choice - I'd like it if this one could arrive in good time and not be broken or anything...

Anyway. That's kind of my hope for my weight. It was my best tool in the past, I just kind of stopped. A couple of years after I got into DDR was when I had to run my house and visit hospital and I was too young to drive or anything so I walked a lot. I got all my cardio from that. After that I'm not sure. But it's probably about time I started again. It's been long enough now that I don't feel so bad about the fact that I can't do what I used to either. I'll just have to work my way back up again.

My journal is coming together, I've cooked a little bit to test recipes, I have lists of things to do each day of the week, I have a new skincare routine that's making my skin way better than it was, and I'm going to start DDR again to hopefully lose weight...the irritating thing is I'm only just now well set up to be in quarantine. If there was more lockdown time now, I'd know exactly how to spend all my time because I have everything written out. If hb just left to go stay with his parents or something idk I'd just hide away and work on all this stuff. I feel a little threatened by lockdown lifting. I want to go out and stuff but I know that I'm not very good at sticking to things at home when I have a lot of other stuff to do. If I have a routine and something throws me off, often that's that and I have to start from scratch getting back into that routine. Sometimes I try to get around that by doing everything but then I get burned out. I don't have the same energy as most people.

So I'm a little worried. In theory, as long as I don't drink myself sick, I should be able to have a routine where I wake up and do my chores first, then get going to anything else that's going on. When I made my weekly schedule, I did try to make it somewhat flexible and easy to catch up with. But that's in theory...in practice things are often different. In theory, I always think I'm going to do some exercise on my period, but in practice I'm completely exhausted and everything makes me feel sick and I'm even craving sweet junk foods when I normally don't even crave sweet stuff at all.

I don't know. I'm just so sick of seeing 156 on the scales. I was 156.6 again today. I definitely should be glad it's not higher. It feels higher. And it's just before my period so that could be including some water weight. But I feel way bigger now than I did earlier, so maybe I still have water weight to gain. I could be any weight by the end of the week. I really hate having periods. Nothing has ever stopped them for me. The only thing that came close was the pill, but I can't take that anymore due to the stroke risk. Every month I think maybe I do want a hysterectomy. Just there are so many side effects from that as well. I just hate having had this whole reproductive system in the first place. If I have to have a uterus and all then why can't I have regular 4 day periods that aren't ridiculously heavy and painful and don't give me fucking anemia for a week and actually stop when I take certain hormonal treatments.

I really feel like there's a melon in my belly right now. It's so uncomfortable. Nobody else understands this stuff - I know a lot of women are conditioned to feel self conscious and all because diet culture, but it's really something else when you have an ED. For me it seems to be more relating to my self image and view of weight than actual food. More WD than ED. I wish I had neither or both. If I'm going to hate my body, why can't I be someone who actually does starve and lose weight. Instead I just binge, restrict, eat normally, binge, go through all the cycles, lose nothing, but still hate myself.

Idk. I want to queue some posts but I also don't know if I can look at it while I feel like this. I can't not be aware of my belly right now. I feel 6 months pregnant. I wish it would just fucking go away. It's been almost 2 decades of this.