#idk about fable lucifer or phobos

[kristillianlibraryarchive]

Its kind of sad how ill probably never fully know what's going on in my brain. I will always be just some flavor of mentally ill, with my brain being alphabet soup.

like. Emory, Ketrill, and Jester feel Different than my other paras.

With Emory, it's by nature of design. He's supposed to know more than my other paras, have a "mysterious" factor to him, his whole thing is that he Knows.

And Ketrill's technically never appeared in my daydreams. I don't think. More like a para "represents" him. Less like an actor and more like a fancast, if that makes sense. It does to me so whatever. Actually, to elaborate: instead of "[actor] is cast as [character]", with Ketrill & my paras its more like "[actor] would probably do a good job at playing [character] if given the chance".

Jester ... gosh. He was also different, from the start. He was made to be my opposite, a "self insert" inspired by a movie I had just seen. I made a post a while ago about the vocaloid song "Magic Mirror" being how I viewed our relationship, which is still true.

But tbh now that I think about it, it's true in another way, too: the two vocaloids featured/singing are Len & Rin, a pair of twins. and I've always kinda imagined myself as a twin? for felt like I should be one? idk. they feature heavily in my daydreams, and I feel a deep sense of longing that's so different than the usual "longing for your paras to be real" thing that most Daydreamers go through at one point or another. instead of "ugh wow i wish they were real" it's "you need to be real why arent you real i am empty without you".

sorry. tangent. I've been going through a lot of self-doubt lately and overanalyzing my Thoughts & Feelings about all of this. I still don't know everything but I feel like I can confidently say that those 3 are more than just paras. I'm tired so I'm not gonna comb through terminology, but I think they're somewhere within veritbond, soulbond, and parative. maybe parabond? maybe all three idk.

uhm. this was supposed to be a #vent about my shitty brain idk why i did all that lmao bye ✌️