#idk I’ve cut off so much of my past for my own sanity and survival but music is just something eternal
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I almost never listen to country music nowadays except for when I’ve been around my family. It’s kind of like greeting an old friend who you haven’t seen in many years.
#personal#music#I don’t have anything against most country but it just ended up being something I dont listen to on my own a lot#there’s a nostalgic edge to it#like if you made me grab something that said what my culture is#it’s country music#as a white American girl with deep southern roots and grew up in the countryside it’s like that’s the sound of my childhood#there’s a homeyness to it that very little else makes me feel#idk I’ve cut off so much of my past for my own sanity and survival but music is just something eternal#like there was once a context and a frame of life that I saw as home#until I started to feel like a stranger there too#yes I’m listening to a country music station on the radio now#it didn’t have to be this way#but then it got to a point where it did#I’m glad that little girl didn’t know how fundamentally her people would let her down time and time again#not all of them of course but….#it’s not even all down to politics#a friend once suggested I find somewhere I do feel more at home and I just said that it doesn’t exist#because in many ways the only context I didn’t feel like an outsider in is gone#I could’ve kept my head in the sand but I didn’t#if you read my fic Secret Gardens these feelings are going to be just inherent in that fic#and yes I’m not delusional to believe there weren’t problems when I was younger#OBVIOUSLY there were#but that’s not the point
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A letter to my little brother,
I don’t know where to start . I’ve written snd rewritten this so many times . I don’t think I’ll ever have the right words to say . We used to be so close . Idk maybe that was the problem. We had our own world . It was safe to only rely on each other or in our case you relied on me more than I did you . So much has gone wrong in just the last 6 years. You are still the same . You never liked the truth . You still don’t . You were never the same after I started seeing Cody. You told me I was no better than our mother . You said I “abandoned you and left you alone to survive on your own.” At the time I thought you were just acting out because I left . Now I know it’s because you feel like I’ve completely left you alone in the world to deal with things . It wouldn’t matter how many times I said I’m sorry because truth is I’m not sorry for having my own life . I guess that’s my weakness . Helping my family even if it hurts me . You think we’re playing some game. “Who can hurt the other the most” truth is if it were a game. You would be winning. You’ve hurt mean more than I’ve hurt you. Your inability to let go of the past makes you toxic. You still think life has no consequences for you. You are about to lose your family and you don’t seem to care. Another hard truth you care more about weed than literally your own kid. You’ve fallen victim to your addiction. For so long you don’t think there is a problem. I wish you could see the world through different eyes.
You have done so much damage I would be in the right to walk away and never talk to you again. I can’t do that. The good in me wants to believe you’ll change for your son since you could not do it for you. That truly breaks my heart . You say time and time again you never hurt any of us . I don’t think you can even comprehend let alone feel anything for what you did . I always blamed myself for our relationship being so bad. I never gave you enough credit. I gave you too much credit in all reality. What hurts the most? You took one of the most traumatic times in life and rub my inability in my face. You always say “you hate me because I can have a kid and I have a family . I have everything you ever wanted.” Who doesn’t want a family of their very own?
You hurt me . More than our own mother did . You think me struggling to survive is a grab for attention. You make it very hard . You will never see this so I can say whatever I want . I’ll continue to be respectful. I hate we can never be civil. I try so hard to be a good older sister but you make it impossible. So much so you made me believe the worst insecurities about myself everyone see and thinks about me too.
I could go on and on but in all reality I just needed to get it off my mind because it’s been driving me crazy. I hope you all the best in life . I hope you change . I hope you grow up for your son. I hope you cut the bullshit . I’m sorry you don’t want to watch me succeed the way I want you too. I am truly happy for you . I love you , but I love myself more and I value my sanity more. I hope you change .
Love always,
Your older sister …..☹️💔
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