#idk I’m feeling devils minion about this though

[monstersinthecosmos]

Hi!! I would love to hear your thoughts about Marius' experience of captivity and how this affects his relationship with Armand. You alluded to this in Gallows Bird and I think that's a super interesting thread to pull

[ Let me drop these two fics real quick to get it out of the way for reference sorry if this is obnoxious LOL but Gallows Bird (Marius/Armand) and The Lotus Eater (Armand/Daniel) !! ]

Asdgahsdk oh boy

I have so many deep nuanced feelings about Marius de Romanus so be patient with me while I try to sketch this all out, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!

So one thing I want to mention off the bat, which is not necessarily canon VC but is relevant to my fics and how I write, is that I process a lot of ND/ADHD stuff when I write, and this goes way back before I even knew I had ADHD. So even going back to like my earlier VC fics from like 5-6 years ago, I think I was constantly inserting traits of myself into my fics and trying to process them in the way that I thought they were just character flaws at the time. AND LIKE this is also relevant because I wrote Gallows Bird to be directly correlating to my Devil’s Minion fics. For example, in The Lotus Eater, one of my huge emotional cornerstones in that fic/me talking about my own perceived character flaws, was the “he had been careless with this boy” theme. And I repeated that in Gallows Bird on purpose to link them lol. So that example is like, I was really inspired by like how ADHD can ruin things on accident; like you don’t take care of something, miss a deadline, break something by being careless even though you DO CARE. At the time when I wrote The Lotus Eater I had no idea about ADHD so I just thought it was like this bad part of my personality that I was really struggling with. I am more forgiving of that now.

And I connect this also to Marius in Gallows Bird because like, something I really struggled with as a person is like the ND/ADHD impulse to like RELATE TO PEOPLE when they’re trying to talk, like bringing up my own experience as a way to say “Something like this happened to me too so I can empathize with you”, which is always well intentioned! And I’ve seen so much convo from ND folks that struggle with this because NT folks tend to misunderstand it as changing the subject/being narcissistic/whatever.

Anyway!!!!!!!!! Sorry for that preamble but I’m saying that like, I kind of approach writing Marius as a mix of canon & projection, because yknow it’s my fuckin story and I feel like it lol but I think like the fun of fanfic and what makes people’s styles unique and interesting is our mix of perspectives and personalities and like how we choose to fill in the blanks in canon or interpret characters, right?

Canon Marius makes a few comments when he meets Armand about how like, this is someone who is as bruised and damaged as he is, and someone who can heal him, and he feels their souls understand each other. And Canon Marius is like, arrogant enough (by his own admission!) to see the absolute HORRIFIC trauma the Armand went through and go “Oh yeah I had horrific trauma too.”

How do we compare Armand’s trauma to Marius’s trauma? Idk. No one can answer that because we all respond to trauma differently. So I think to some extent there’s some headcanon territory here of how everyone interprets Marius, and do we believe him that his trauma was SO SEVERE that it IS on par with what’s happened to Armand? Or do we believe what he went through isn’t so bad/was 1500 years ago and he’s being obnoxious by comparing the two because he should be healed by now?

I’d also ask like, to what extent is neither true/is it not that fucking deep, like is Marius simply saying “wow this looks really bad, I want to know him for centuries so he has time to grow and heal”; like perhaps Marius at this point sees his captivity & murder as this awful thing that happened to him 1500 years ago and maybe it feels sort of disconnected.

BUT I DON’T KNOW, the thing about Marius is that he’s so fucking stoic! Like I know I’ve brought it up a couple times recently but it’s because I was reading some Marcus Aurelius to put in Gallows Bird lol so using that to like fill in some blanks with Marius, he reads like someone who is constantly trying to rationalize away his own emotions. And like! IDK! Maybe beliefs about psychology are always a phases or temporary until we learn more, but reading him in 2023 I just call bullshit on that! It doesn’t work that way! So who’s to say that his 1500 year old trauma isn’t actually still very close to the surface, and who’s to say he can’t be easily retraumatized whenever it comes up because he’s never meaningfully recovered?

AND LIKE FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA THE AFTERMATH IS SO OFTEN ABOUT JUST FINDING CONTROL OVER WHATEVER YOU CAN, NO MATTER HOW USELESS OR UNHEALTHY IT IS. And that's also the sort of central thesis of Gallows Bird; giving Armand a space to process his trauma where he's in control. And for Marius it's just really sad how often he tries to control his own personality, his own feelings, his own mask, the way people perceive him, and it's such a struggle for him that it always eventually collapses.

I want to pause here for a second too and bring up a couple old posts I’ve written so I’m not repeating myself too much LOL but let’s also consider:

Trauma Hole Theory and if vampires are stuck forever within the trauma of their turning

Marius & Armand’s equal-opposite religious trauma

Marius’s struggle with feeling emotion

I think if we start dissecting ANY vampire in VC we’ll see thematic ways that their turning has traumatized them forever, between the violence/trauma around the act itself but also whatever ways they’ve been frozen as their mortal selves. Lestat is a perpetually insecure 20 year old who can’t emotionally regulate and must prove himself to everybody, Louis is someone who didn’t want to live at all and was given eternal life rather than death, Armand is deeply wounded and fucked up but is having like 2 years of relative peace and safety. And Marius is like, older, has lived life, knows what he’s losing and gaining, and has his entire worldview shattered after spending a year resenting religious zealots only to find out that everything they believed was true.

So I bring all these points up because I don’t think there’s a simple answer or a direct correlation here. Marius recognizes that they’ve each suffered a trauma, but he hasn’t really dealt with his own in a meaningful way, therefore he is not equipped to help Armand deal with his either.

I constantly go back to when Marius hits him after they come back from Kiev and I think this really hammers it home for me—Marius is someone who wants to strangle all of his emotions into submission, and he’s really trying to believe that it’s a matter of willpower to simply NOT FEEL THINGS. So much of Marcus Aurelius is about this! AND IN SOME WAYS LIKE, YEAH THIS IS MAYBE AN ANCIENT VERSION OF CBT??? Like we do CBT to patiently teach ourselves to think differently, but it’s obviously not as easy as simply shutting your emotions off or bullying yourself out of feeling any. And he’s trying SO SO hard to be this way, and it doesn’t work, so it’s not going to work on Armand either!

And like it’s not Marius simply being a dickhead, simply being abusive; I do think he’s really trying, but he’s fucking lost! HE HAS LIVED LIES! And god it just really hurts to see him as someone who struggles with this shit and who lies to himself about it, LIKE WHO HASN’T BEEN THERE? How many of us who struggle with mental health haven’t had those moments like, those tiny glimpses seeing behind the veil and being honest with yourself, but being so fucking powerless and not knowing what to do with it.

I know I’ve personally had moments of realization like “I am going to be like this forever” and it’s SO defeating, and imagining that sentiment for someone who will LIVE FOREVER just hurts me so bad!

We see this trope in media sometimes—certainly it’s based in real life!—of parents projecting onto children, trying to correct mistakes by breaking a cycle, but which only serves to treat their child like an extension of themselves and not a whole individual. So I think of that, too—Marius seeing himself in someone who was also abducted, and even though he also plans to turn Armand, he wants it to be beautiful and gentle! (He even changes his mind about it several times before he does it in a panic because Armand is dying! {this is heavily referenced in Gallows Bird because he realizes he's fucked Armand up to much to let him live anyway.} ) He also is sorta trying to fake it till he makes it with all this emotional stuff; like even though he KNOWS he can’t simply shut emotions off, he’s still trying to teach Armand to. And going back to Marius being a lil arrogant, I think sometimes he does project himself onto other people, or treat people better if they remind him of himself. So like, projecting some wounded version of himself onto Armand to try to rescue, vs risking it all for Lestat a few centuries later because someone who reminds him of himself actually WANTS to be rescued.

The IRONY too that like he spends his whole time in captivity as a skeptic, not believing that there is a God in the Grove, and for that entity to turn out to be a vampire!!! Marius presenting HIMSELF as a god-figure to Armand, but trying to be safe and friendly about it! I don’t know man I’m really fucking hsdkjgladsghkjl upset right now lol

And after all that like, not really knowing what exactly happened to Armand to indoctrinate him into the cult, just knowing that he’s thriving with them, that he gave it all up to be their leader, is such a betrayal of everything and so traumatizing!

Gosh.

Anyway.

I DON’T’ KNOW WHERE TO START I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO END, THINKING ABOUT THIS FUCKS ME UP I HOPE THIS ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION LOL

[vampire-sugar]

THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED (1988)

Finally finished Part I! Here are some of my pretty unorganized thoughts.

(Spoilers ahead) (tw mention of incest)

PART I: THE ROAD TO THE VAMPIRE LESTAT

A lot going on. It was actually hard to keep going at some point, a lot of exposition and it was frankly very boring at times. The entire Baby Jenks chapter could have been skipped. The biggest thing I’ve taken away from Part I is Anne’s obsession with red hair. Anyway, here are some of the things I liked!

Truly unhinged intro from Lestat where he literally says, “hey remember me?? left you on a cliffhanger there!! also let’s switch to third person bc the story just flows better that way.”

Marius trapped under the ice where he belongs.

Pandora chapter was like a fever dream. And also damn you eat like that?? Literally ripping hearts out, but lowkey that’s such a goddess move.

Got to the famous Devil’s Minion chapter!! I was really excited for this one.

It was very sweet actually. Armand is a terror, but his intensity is what I love about him. Loved him since the iwtv book, what a character. Him finally turning Daniel, that whole scene was heartbreaking. Also what does Armand need 8 phones for? Love how they kept his love for tech in the show lol he’s always on that iPad.

Finally introduced to the Talamasca. I assumed from what I occasionally saw online that they were this like all powerful group that had like a one-up on the paranormal creatures that they investigate (or like some sort of council for anything supernatural), but I was kinda let down when finding out they are humans with just a little bit of psychic powers. But I’m pretty sure I don’t know the full story yet.

Also it’s cute that Anne starts every chapter with her husband’s poetry. Though they’re not all my cup of tea, I liked the one at the beginning of the Jesse chapter.

I like Jesse! This chapter reminded me a lot of the Mortal Instruments actually lol, both Clary and Jesse join a supernatural related order and are unknowingly related to supernatural beings (and both have red hair lol). I like that Mael makes a reappearance, he was the only part I liked about Marius’s backstory from TVL. Also, Anne Rice try writing a close familial relationship without making it weirdly incestuous challenge impossible. Maharet’s attitude towards Jesse made me wildly uncomfortable.

The part where Jesse goes to New Orleans was true horror. I was shaking in my bed sheets reading it, seriously. Claudia haunting the New Orleans townhouse, my poor baby. Hope that more of the diary gets revealed in this book.

And that’s about it!

For such a long part that’s honestly all I’ve got to say. I’m glad to finally be done with it tbh and we can finally get to the present day. I learned from Jacob’s podcast appearance that Anne did not have an editor which explains a lot lol. I fear for what is awaiting me.

Predictions: I had thought that Maharet was actually Pandora, but then read back and saw that Pandora has brown hair so I guess not. If a character has red hair Anne will let you know multiple times. Which is why I feel like Armand might be part of the Great Family. Or maybe his red hair is garden variety type, idk.

I will probably post chapter by chapter going forward! Or however I please I guess lol. Excited to start Part II: All Hallow’s Eve!!

Bonus: Lestat calling himself the James Bond of vampires, he’s got jokes.

[hekateinhell]

OH THANK GOD. Honestly it’s not an easy choice either lmao but I’m confident I’ll be able to pick one ☝️ before the night is over (I have now narrowed my choices down to 3 yay). Thank you once again for your service to the community ♥️ some further thots 💭 about the previous poll (it’s the trauma starting to unravel I fear). Back in my days as a VC newbie, it was pretty much accepted that Marius was the love of Armand’s life, like no one really ever put that into question or tried to dispute the claims and there was no discourse whatsoever about the relationship being side eye worthy like there is now. Slowly but surely things started changing and Daniel became the people’s princess, fair and square, and that’s a narrative that has for the most part prevailed even if now there is more room for (brilliant, life altering) discourse re: his relationship with Lestat, after it was disregarded by a lot of fans for years as nothing more than a rivalry with a good dose of UST, even though their love for each other has been explicit in the books since the very beginning. But I guess it’s one of those plot points people just preferred to ignore (to favor Loustat maybe? Idk idk). And then Armand himself told Lestat he was the one he’d loved the most. But then again Louis is the person Armand’s been with for the longest and is (arguably) his most functional relationship. What I’m trying to say here is that this truly the impossible choice and it’s making me anxious lmaooo why is Armand like this???? Truly the Helen of Troy of VC 😔 still love ya tho xoxo DA

Let me know what you end up choosing for the kink poll omg PLEASE ♥️

LMAO LISTEN... we all have trauma, it's why we're on Armandblr.

(Never forget that your therapist most likely also has a therapist)

Yeah, my first experience in VC fandom was like that too! 2007ish? REMEMBER BURNTRICE ON LIVEJOURNAL 🫣

I was a baby though lol a very young 12, and I read TVA and TVL first which made me decide that Marius and Lestat were the ones for Armand. I didn't truly appreciate Devil's Minion until I was around 16-17 and the subtler themes really stood out to me, but then it was like Daniel wasn't a viable option for Armand anymore?? At least in the fandom sphere. And Louis and Armand as a couple had ended on such a tragic and seemingly final note, so baby me didn't pick up on all the juicy little tidbits Anne sneaked in there throughout VC for them.

I went cold on Marius as I got older, but I was an L/A girlie FROM DAY ONE EVEN IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE I DIDN'T CARE 😭 there's definitely massive Loustat blinders on a lot of the fandom, but I've got Armand blinders so I can't really blame them, can I? And then PL happened and Trinity Gate is a thing!! Daniel's back!!! Blood Communion validated the heck out of my L/A feelings!!!!

Anne gave me crumbs but oh, what delicious crumbs they are! Bless her. 💖

[hqhunybuns]

hiiii can u plz do a kuroo first time blowjob?? thanks i love your blog!!!!!

hi sorry i was too busy playing animal crossing but im back

First Time Head with Kuroo

It was a bad idea that popped into your head, a terribly devilish thought that you were sure would get you in trouble-- but it was worth a shot, wasn't it? 

You were the Nekoma volleyball team manager, and also the captain's girlfriend. What a wonderful world you live in; the team adored you, your boyfriend thought you were as sweet as sugar. The truth be told, you and Tetsurou had only gotten to first base the entirety of your eight month relationship. You were shy when it came to physical affection, and you had a bad habit of getting too nervous when your boyfriend's hands started wandering further than your shoulders. He was always the perfect gentleman when you had to stop due to your erratic heartbeat, and while you profusely apologized every time, he took it in stride and never pressured you to do anything you weren't comfortable with.

It wasn't that you didn't think he was attractive, it was quite the opposite. He was Adonis-- tall, lean muscle, abs, strong jaw line, hair that you wanted to run your hands through. He was too perfect and it intimidated you. Other than the physical limitations you had set, it was a great relationship. The two of you could talk for hours, joking and laughing. His personality fit yours, he didn't get upset at your sarcastic quips, he actually enjoyed then and retorted back with just as much sass.

"Y/n, what's the problem? Why do you look so nervous?" your friend Aimee asked once class had been released for lunch.

"Yeah, and you look really sweaty..." your other friend Sayori mentioned, motioning to your red face.

Fanning your face with your hands, you admitted, "I'm going to do the deed today, that's why I look like a hot mess."

The two girls grinned and squealed, gaining the attention of the few stragglers in the classroom. You hushed then quickly, hiding your head in your arms. "Guys, please! This is already a stressful day! I don't need you all screaming and making a big deal of it." you mumbled into your arms.

Someone patted your head and ruffled your hair. "You really must be nervous if you're scolding us instead of screaming too."

"You may be right, Sayori-chan, normally Y/n is the first one of us to scream about something exciting."

You lifted your head and glared at your friends while trying to hide your growing smile. Aimee grabbed your cheeks and squished them together while Sayori hoped with excitement, "You're finally growing up! You put on your big girl thong today!"

"Oh my God, please don't ever say that again!" you groaned, trying to push the brown haired girls hands away from your hurting cheeks.

Sayori stopped her jumping and put her hands on small hips. "But it's true, you're going to be be the first one of us to actually put one of those things in your mouth."

Aimee stopped her assault on your poor face and rebutted, "Hey! I almost did!"

"Yeah, but then you woke up from your dream and realized Morisuke wasn't actually there." you teased light heartily.

The three of you laughed and you finally stood from your desk, stepping out of the classroom with your two best friends. Your trio hiked up the steps to the roof, opening the door and scoping it out, making sure no one had claimed your lunch spot for themselves. The warn sun caressed your face and the breeze carried the scent of the freshly bloomed flowers with it, pollen included. It was a gorgeous day, barely any clouds in the sky and birds happily perched on the edge of the roof, singing songs in hopes of finding a mate.

Plopping down on one of the benches, you confessed, "I've never seen his... you know what in person, what if I hurt him?"

Sayori tied her red hair in a messy bun before responding. "I've given a hand job before, they're surprisingly durable; you're only going to hurt him if you bite him or something like that."

Before you could respond with a smart ass comment, the devil named Tetsurou texted you.

 Volleybitch (4) unread messages

Hey doll face (Ф∀Ф)

im bored Kenma wont stop playing fire emblem to talk to me

he keeps talking about defeating the death knight but idk who that is

we still on for tonight? you get to pick the movie as long as its good

 You rolled your eyes as you responded.

tell him to recruit lysithea and he can one shot him with her lol

yeah we're still on!! the fams gone for the weekend so we can actually use the big tv in the living room

 just promise to take a shower before we leave bc i dont want u sweating up my couch you stink

literally all the time

nasty sweaty man

Putting your phone away, you focused on your friends who were still more excited about your nights rendezvous than you were. It was true that you didn't want your boyfriend making your house smelling like a gym, but you didn't want to put your mouth on him when he was just running around getting sweaty. You had standards, and smelling and tasting sweat was not apart of those standards

"You ready to ditch this popsicle stand?" Kuroo asked, tossing his water bottle in his gym bag. His hair was slightly damp from the quick shower he had just had.

You rolled your eyes and replied sardonically, "With you? Never."

 "You're right, look at that eligible bachelor over there waiting to watch a shitty movie with you tonight." He walked over to you and flipped you, pointing at volleyball pole that was being put away. "That handsome man wants to take you to dinner, but he can only afford McDonalds. So sad, Y/n, you can only get something off of the dollar menu."

 You raised your eyebrows in fake consideration. "Perhaps, but he doesn't have any muscles, so it's a hard pass. Sorry, mister pole, but you're still single." 

Your tall boyfriend laughed and guided you towards the gym doors, his hand on your back. You bit back a blush when he rubbed your back slightly. You're about to give this man a blowjob and you wanna blush when he touches your back? You were hopeless.

Your tall boyfriend laughed and guided you towards the gym doors, his hand on your back. You bit back a blush when he rubbed your back slightly. You're about to give this man a blowjob and you wanna blush when he touches your back? You were hopeless.

"So what movie have you decided on? It better not be anything related to Minions or Legos, or I promise you I will cry." Tetsurou deadpanned.

Humming, you grinned. "It's a surprise."

The ten minute walk to your house felt like an hour. You and Kuroo talked about the tournament coming up, but all you think of was the fact that you were going to suck this hot man's cock. The thought made you blush and salivate. Ideally his shirt would be off, letting you see how his work out regime gave him a delicious torso. You wondered how big he was, how thick it would be; would he taste good, would he be shaved? What if he didn't want you to suck him off? Would he find it repulsive?

"Y/n? Hey, dollface, we're at your house, stop walking or you're going to end up at your neighbors front door," Tetsurou's voice brought you back from your daze.

"Oh, sorry, I was just thinking of a strategy for the team and I guess I got lost in thought." you chuckled nervously, forcing your blush to evade.

Unlocking the door and stepping inside, your heart officially started to race. How was this going to start? 

Right, start a movie! 

"I'll start a movie if you wanna go get us something to drink from the kitchen," you suggested as you made your way towards the living room.

You shut the blinds in fear your neighbors would end up looking into them and seeing your lewd actions and quickly double checked to see if you locked the front door. Call yourself paranoid, but you didn't need anything interrupting. 

Tetsurou returned with two glasses of water and a smirk. Once he placed the two glasses on the coffee table, he sink into the couch and gazed at the TV. "So, I see the decision is The Breakfast Club. Again."

"You know it's one of my favorite movies!" you argued, sitting beside him.

The movie started, and twenty minutes into the movie, it was time to start your plan. 

You took a deep breath, exhaling through your nose. With a shaky hand, you ran it down Tetsurou's arm idly, gaining his attention. You could see his eyebrows raise in question as he gazed at your fingers brushing against his bicep. You wet your lips and kissed his cheek, traveling to his mouth. 

This caught him completely off guard.

He didn't complain, though, shifting his body to make it more comfortable for the both of you. Feeling confident in yourself, your tongue brushed against his lips, asking permission to enter. He happily obliged, opening his mouth and letting your tongue graze his. His hands wandered to your shoulders, rubbing them as your tongues battled for dominance-- in the end, Tetsurou was victorious. 

Your lower stomach was getting hot, you could feel your panties begin to dampen with arousal. His hands trailed down your shoulders to your arms, rubbing them softly. Your hands went to his hair, running your fingers through the tresses. The black haired boy groaned in your mouth, making you clamp your thighs shut. Feeling a burst of confidence, you broke the kiss and climbed into his lap, shocking him.

His eyes were dark with lust as he panted, "This is a nice surprise."

"Hush, or I'll stop." you murmured, going back to his lips with newly found gusto.

You've never been this aroused, your panties were soaked and threatening to spill onto your inner thighs. You knew your face was flushed brightly, but kissing Kuroo and feeling him harden beneath you was making your brain numb. It buzzed with lust and you could only focus on how his hands moved to your sides and how they felt like hot fire, his finger tips leaving warmth.

Experimenting was never something you thought you'd do, but you swiveled your hips in his lap, earning a heartfelt groan from the man beneath you. Breaking the kiss once more, you gazed at him with glossy eyes. Remembering your research, you stepped off of his lap and kneeled in front of his sitting form, peering at him through your lashes.

You'd never seen Kuroo blush, but seeing you on your knees, flustered, hair tousled, and lips plump from kissing, you'd think he'd passed out. 

The tent in his shorts were impressive, no matter how baggy the shorts were. Licking your lips once more, your shaking hands tentatively rubbed up his thighs, nearing his growing cock. He stuttered and swallowed harshly. "What do you think you're doing, doll face?"

"I'm going to suck you off, Tetsurou," You swore you heard him groan. "Unless you have a problem with that?"

He shook his head. "Not at all."

Swallowing the sudden nerves, you helped him pull his shorts and underwear down, releasing his cock. Your eyes widened once you saw how impressive it was. Would that fit in your mouth? Licking your lips, you stuck your tongue out and grazed the head of his swollen member, enticing a hiss from your boyfriend.

"Fuck, Y/n..." he muttered, bringing one of his clenched fists to his mouth, biting it.

Gaining the confidence back you had originally, you popped the head into your mouth, sucking it lightly. Tetsurou stuttered out a moan, whispering your name. You went down his shaft a bit further, gripping one of his thighs for leverage. Kuroo was very vocal, giving you praises and groaning every time you sucked your cheeks in. Your other hand went to grip the rest of his cock that you couldn't fit into your sore mouth. He was girthy, your jaw was beginning to hurt from the unusual strain. You bobbed your head with more speed, glancing up at Tetsurou who had his head thrown back in pure bliss. Your neglected, throbbing sex was growing more aroused with slick, this boy was going to be the death of you. 

His hips started thrusting shallowly to meet your mouth, one of his hands going to your hair. His moans were becoming louder and the grip in your hair was growing tighter.

"That's it, Y/n, don't stop. God, who knew you had such a good mouth," he praised. 

Kuroo Tetsurou was coming undone before you and it was sexiest thing you've ever seen.

All because of you.

[bxdybcg]

@thisisthcnight @danceofsins

Yue Xie clan.

Young: I'm just waiting on the rage intensifying in the bond...

Jae: imagine if he wins

Young: ...Yeah the city will actually burn Young: he has to be up to something he's only ever that charming when he has a goal in mind.

Farid: I am terrified if you couldn't tell already. Lavinia: Hey guys, nice to meet you all. Young added me here so I hope you don't mind.

Young: best you meet them. Kisuke is still out of town. Everyone this is Lavinia our new sibling.

Jae: nice to finally meet you. And under such entertaining circumstances

Lavinia: Well, didn't think anyone of you would be really interested in meeting me, Either way, here is my thought on that whole political debacle or wtf ever is going on; I am voting for my friend.

Jae: you're family, of course we are interested

Lav: you all are very intriguing, that's all. But I am excited to meet you in person some time.

Young: I mean vote for who you want that's the point. I just hope not too many bought Si's bullshit

Jae: idk im convinced

Lav: I don't know him but he has already had an effect on my life so... well, i would have voted for Kang either way.

Jae:better than one of daria's puppets

Farid: Oh fuck no she is already in too much charge, we don't need more of that.

Young: I don't think anyone here would vote Lazar. Kang is a safer vote in my mind I think. But still not fully decided

Jae: dont play into her hands

Lav: I work for Kang, Kai and Sai and I have known them long and good enough to know his answers are genuine. I don't know any of the other people.

Jae: kang's a good neutral. Im just not neutral

Lav: I am here to listen to all your guys input on it because even though I know shit about politics, I know you all know what would be the best for us - especially since I am a new... addition? Which reminds me, Elias had some good points. It is definitely something to think about, not everyone can be as lucky as me. I have Yue, Kai and Young even to help me,

Young: so you are going to vote Si Jae?

Farid; I just need to know who I should vote for that is absolutely not Si.

Jae: yes Jae: i mean i would too if any of you ran

Young: Yeah but we are not wildcards like he is(edited)

Farid: Then this would have been an easy decision. Any of you.

Young: I was approached. I just don't fancy it. I think there are many things I rather do than do that.

Farid: Understandable. Which is even more confusing that Si wants it. He can't have good things in mind.

Young: I can only see two reasonings. A twisted sense that he wants to help Yue. Or he has other plans in mind. Hard to say.

Farid; God. This is not helping.

Young: Trying to figure out his reasonings is like navigating a labyrinth in pitch darkness. I'm not going to be concerned until we have the results.

Jae: well, cancel out daria's group, first Jae: unless you are into them

Young: That I do agree to

Farid: That's obvious

Young: Why do I get a feeling this is going to lead to another gang war...

Farid: Because it is. I don't see Daria dealing too well with losing.

Young: No I don't see it either

Farid: and if Si wins, it's going to be against us.

Young: Has anyone spoke to Yue about this yet?

Farid: she nominated her brother and now he nominates his? Not like it has happened but that is how it must look to her. Farid; No, unfortunately he does not seem to be in any reach... Farid: It would help.

Young: It would. I'll see if I can contact him and add him on here.

Farid: Yes, good idea.

Young has added Yue to the conversation

Farid: Oh thank god

Yue: I suppose this is about the elections? Young: No it's about how the world is flat... Of course it is Yue: Let me prepare myself and actually read the interviews. How did Si find out exactly?

Jae: i may have shared screen shots to show him how much of a crap show it all was

Farid: Fuck knows Farid: ... Fun.

Jae: it's not like i told him to come. No one tells him what to do

Yue: He would have found out about it eventually.

Farid: What are his motives?

Yue: at least this way he'll have eyes on him

Yue: I wish I knew Yue: He seems serious about it though. Even if he is a sociopathic asshole he might be trying to do this for my interests.

Jae: usually it's better the one we know? Jae: if the one we know wasnt si

Yue: Better the devil you know yes. I would rather a neutral candidate got the position

Jae: there's always kang

Yue: yes and he's the only truly neutral one there. If either Si or Lazar won I can't see it being peaceful for long afterwards

Farid: I would actually vote rather for Si than any of Daria's minions.

Yue: It's not that I don't think Lazar's has got the wrong intentions in heart. I am just a little concerned about how conflicts of interest are dealt with. I am also worried about what Si would do if Lazar won over him.

Farid: As much as she claims that he has no ties to her shit and what not - they are siblings. He will always put her first.

Yue: My thoughts exactly and I think this might be what Si is also trying to prove in his own way. As always he does things his way.

Farid: Okay, what do you suggest we do?

Jae: im going ti vote for si

Yue: I am voting Kang, I would very much like to avoid a district war.

Farid: Alright. I'm with you.

Young: Me too

Lavinia: I would have voted for Kang anyway but now I know someone who is hundred times smarter than me and understands politics will do it so... I feel better about it

Jae: and we shall see how it goes

Young: at least we can't say living here is boring

Farid: I miss boredom.

[staticsamuraiart]

Hoo boy, this one's a long one

There's a TLDR way at the end.

I had one of my longer running games come to a messy head last night where a couple of the players enacted a party betrayal. Here is your cast primarily involved so I don't have to keep using full titles to keep everything straight. We're level 17.

The Tiefling Barbarian who's been having a mental breakdown for the last 3 or 4 games as his entire life up until a certain point has been revealed to him to be a lie, thus causing a downward spiral of paranoia and a refusal to trust literally anyone, party members included. Shortened to "The Barbarian" from now on.

The way-too-hard-to-explain Ranger turned Devil Vampire Queen (there's a lot going on here). The character was once a Tabaxi with a hunger for treasure hunting. Now she wishes to ascend to godhood and become what is essentially a god of piracy and treasure hoarding. Shortened to "The Ranger" from now on.

The Undead Warlock/Life Cleric who has thus far been an amazing healer and generally has a fix for everything and is unaffected by most things who gets the most screwed over in this scenario. Shortened to "The Cleric-Lock" from now on.

And the more minor involvements, a Lycan bloodhunter, our demi-god Bard, and myself as the circle of the moon druid. We were affected but not nearly as directly.

The situation! We were in the Feywild and crawling through a dungeon. I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't expecting this dungeon because I was under the impression we were gathering allies in the Feywild because our plane is at war with the Devils but that's another story. We split the party (first mistake) because the dungeon has two paths to go through and one team was forcibly separated after a cave in. The Bard, Bloodhunter, and Barbarian go one way. The Cleric-lock, Ranger, and Druid go the other. Party A and B respectively.

Party A proceeds forward. There's pretty much mostly harmless or not at all dangerous traps laid out through this place so they kind of murderhobo on through. They uh.... let's just say an innocent child gets straight up murdered by the Barbarian who betrays them and tries to book it for the item at the end of the dungeon. Shenanigans ensue and the Bard traps the Barbarian in a Forcecage, while he and the Bloodhunter bamf out to continue through the dungeon.

Party B has a significantly easier time, because overall we are the less* murderhobo side (*one of the traitors is in this group, guess whooo). We power through a much more significant portion of the dungeon and make it to the boss room. "The Boss Room" being the room where the treasure is guarded by goblins...

Now to condense the story, the Vampire and the Barbarian for different reasons were trying to obtain AN INSANELY RARE AND POWERFUL LEGENDARY SWORD THAT GRANTS WISHES. Like high tier shit. The Ranger's plan was to trap or kill everyone in this dungeon because she is the reason it even exists. She has been meticulously planning with the DM for months on her ultimate betrayal and finally reached her point. She plays her trump card (although it ends up not being as awesome as expected because she misunderstood a mechanic, nbd) but proceeds to continue. Here's where things get complicated so let me explain piece by piece:

The ranger supposedly had a wish saved from a previous session when she encountered multiple wish granting items all at once (Frankly she's had insane luck in obtaining wishes all through this campaign). Many of us at the table were pretty sure she did NOT have the wish saved, but the DM ruled she definitely did even though the math didn't line up. The Ranger used this wish spell to force the Cleric-Lock to have amnesia.

Clarification; the DM specifically stated there is no save, no counter, no anything to stop this wish. It happened and there was nothing the player could do about it. Now you might be thinking "but you're the druid, couldn't you have still stopped her?" or even "that's not very fair, shouldn't there still be some kind of DC if the wish copied a spell that exists?"

Well to answer the first thought as simply as possible, I am a homebrewed version of an Eidolyn. You know? Those things Summoners essentially make a bond with and can summon out to fight and shit for them? Yeah, it's neat. The second answer is like, wow hey same bro, I agree. That doesn't make much sense to me. DM ruled "It happens because it's not the 'spell' wish, it's like the 11th level bomb ass crazy powerful WISH wish." and personally I didn't agree but DM rules so I wasn't gonna fight it out. Powerful magic is powerful. Other players at the table were incredibly upset over it and the tensions rose.

Back to explanations, I was originally bonded to the Bard, because at the start of the game we were playing a dnd skin of El Dorado but our "Tulio" left left the game early on. Anyway, here's the problem; I wasn't bonded to the Bard. I was bonded to the Ranger.

"But Static, how can that be? you don't just un-bond to your chosen person!"

Yeeeah well, there was a situation where I got petrified and that sucked. I failed my saves twice. The Ranger had a very powerful ally who had unpetrified me, but he also apparently marked me and bonded me to the Ranger. The DM's argument was that because I "died," I was no longer bonded to the Bard, and was open to have a new bond made. Now I'm not mad or anything at the situation, I'm a very flow with the punches player, but my problem is that that seems like something I should have known, right? I didn't though, I had no idea my bond was shifted; no idea I was even remotely connected to the Ranger in such a way. It was well hidden, because we WERE connected BEFORE that situation came about. Devils' rules, souls being traded and shit, partially due to my Eidolyn heritage; it's complicated.

Why is that important? Well technically speaking, because I was HER Eidolyn, I was HER minion. She ordered me to go ahead and grab her legendary wish sword while the Cleric-Lock was essentially reverted to a mindless Spectre- complicated- and proceeded to possess the Ranger because he still had the general notion that the situation was a hostile one. Ranger failed her save, became a vegetable. I was still following my order. Those Goblins? Used the wishes to wish for Fire toads, and then wished to be okay with fire. AKA they're slowly burning to death on their new Fire Toad mounts as I grab the now innert sword. Okay well it's still a wicked sword, but the wishes were spent.

ALLLLLL things come to a head. The druid goes wild berserk for a while as her "summoner" has essentially been incapacitated, a powerful ally the Ranger summoned whisks the Ranger's body away as the Cleric-lock still maintains control of her body, the Barbarian is trapped in a Forcecage, and the Bard and Bloodhunter bamf the fuck out of there (don't worry we had a sort of anchor that kept the time dilation at bay and they successfully saved on the memory loss thing). Eventually the druid returns to herself, and also bamfs out back to the anchor point with successful memory saves; leaving half of the party essentially wiped and the players for the Barbarian, Cleric-lock, and Ranger will be rolling new characters.

Now this was a lot to go over, because it is a very complicated set of characters with crazy backstories and hordes of batshit insane items and powers because we're so high level and it wouldn't be easy to understand from an outside view if I hadn't provided as much context as I did. The situation with the wish being un-salvagable for the player, combined with the seemingly random entering of a dungeon when our goal was nowhere near such a thing, and the overall out of character tensions that kept rising with disruptive players ended up causing a lot of arguments and a lot of strife; DM and players alike.

What I'm trying to get at is that it's okay to disagree with how your DM runs things. It's okay to think a situation in game was handled unfairly. It's okay to clash opinions. Sometimes DMs are set in their ruling, and sometimes a DM enacts Rule 0: DM says, therefore it is. That is valid. That being said, if you communicate your concerns with [insert clashing opinion here] and you feel you are just butting heads with the DM with no resolution, compromise, or even validation then it is OKAY TO LEAVE THE GAME.

The Bard's player was the most upset with how the game turned out; what with disagreeing with the wish rulings, finding the lack of any possible inklings to our evil players plotting schemes (by that I mean there was only secret conversations with the DM and no in game nuances noted with no rolls involved), and overall finding the betrayal to be from left field and otherwise just an unfair game with multiple examples of the DM railroading certain party members into being or acting some kind of way when they didn't have the chance to save themselves, notice the issues, or generally be involved in the decision that was forced upon their characters (Cleric-Lock and Druid as the main examples). it resulted in the Bard's player deciding to leave the game prematurely. The DM and him got into a heated argument in person and over facebook, and they just couldn't agree and it ended up getting to that point of "well if you want to run the next game go ahead" attitude.

The situation is fresh, so it's still heated between the two people. Maybe they'll make up, or maybe they'll see that they clash and don't even want to be friends anymore. Idk, but I for one see the game as a learning experience. I myself have had reservations about the game and the DM for a long time, and in general just haven't really felt a deep connection with my character or the story. There were moments, but they were pretty few and far between. I don't hate the players, and I don't even blame the ones who took evil routes and betrayed us. I just wish there was a better synergy between us with Players, Party, and DM. Things probably would've been better.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. I just wanted a place to unload the story and organize my thoughts on the situation. I want to clarify too that the DM isn't a bad DM or a bad person, in fact he even pre-game warned us that things might get heated and cooked for us while he tried to be as fair as he possibly could be. This isn't a blasting on social media, nor is it a callout post. I just don't like putting these things on facebook because do you see this novel I wrote? Fuck that noise I just wanted to journal it somewhere and voice out that not every DnD game is perfectly balanced or perceived to be handled fairly. He did his best, he made his calls, and he urged us all to make sure we knew we were all still friends after the game was over.

TLDR; Our DM kind of railroaded a couple players and made some questionable decisions on how he handled some PvP scenarios which angered a chunk of the players and overall it was just a bad time. We're still friends but sometimes friends get passionate over the things they have strong views on and arguments happen. It's okay though, humans aren't perfect. We cool.

Thanks for reading. <3

[elizabethrobertajones]

13x02 watching notes

i'm on a train. choo choo.

expectations: helpfully wrote them out last time for the season as a whole which this ep is introducing all the plot stuff for since last episode advanced the plot a single day of angst, but this episode especially has a few SUPER low bars to pass. Last time out BL failed spectacularly to not kill Eileen. now we have "don't assault mary, over-sexualise the day old guy, or flub introing the new characters, or reintroducing the returning ones"

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our train was like 10 minutes late out the station because there was no driver. is this a metaphor.

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i also had to eat krispy kreme doughnuts before I could dig into the episode.

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oh jeeze Drexel survived season 12... no one really has a fanclub for the random minions, probably because around Simmons we realised there was no point getting attached. and he was in some of the worst scenes of last season just because of the context. which is a shame. also he's a lucifer fan and that's not really a worthwhile position. anyway hope springs eternal that colonel sanders is such a charismatic character he makes the demon scenes worth watching... and Drexel gets to be interesting. And stop saying lines like 'make hell great again' which is so not a good thing to put in his mouth - at least the other demons who were going around saying it it was the white demon who said it and got the stink eye from the other demon.

One of the other demons says "can you even hear yourself" but idk if BL would crit their own writing unlike competent writers whose first port of call is stressing that they are bad writers and mock their corny dialogue

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this also raises the semi perpetual question since season 11 that if Crowley's throne room is here why would any of the pretenders to the throne even want it. they seriously need to justify it. We know devil's gates are a pain and not usually open so smuggling minions out to work topside is an issue but there are other workarounds than establishing a campy hell set that's not even in hell, then getting confused about if it's hell or not, and never really explaining why Lucifer would stick around in it except for the fact Crowley is really good at setting up a system and it would be a shame not to use the pre-established set up.

but eh

I really sincerely hope Asmodeus is just here because Crowley's ex-minions are here and will relocate post-haste to his plantation.

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He hung up his coat. Drexel survived though. I guess being a named character has its perks. the sun shone in my eyes the entire time so i was quite amused when the train turned a bit and i saw demons dropping with burned out eyes, angel-style. like Dagon being super duper powerful, I guess they're giving him extra powers - because this is just a few steps up from how Sam was exploding demons with his head at one point and he got his powers from a YED... though in 5x10 when Lucifer killed all those demons he also didn't burn the eyes out. it's probs a stylistic choice. in character and out.

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Nougat!!! he's so cute. he's sleeping at an angle to be behind Sam in the convo. The camera points at Sam from the dash and at Dean from Sam's POV, and Jack is in his background. methinks this is about Sam.

He's trying to make Dean sleep and calling out how he hasn't had any, which is nice because I was worried about that earlier.

Dean is calling Jack "it" which I think was in some people's pre-season fic, or else if it weren't it was in the one i didn't write :P Blatant convo is blatant but does at least have an actual honest to god lead into the next scene via the mom is dead conversation. Again we get the super zoom close up on sam being sad and questioning dean's thoughts. assert yourself, sammy! i believe in u

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(totally on your side too Dean but the sun is too bright to examine your micro expressions and the camera isn't favouring you anywho so you're a rewatch flavour today)

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Satan wants to trade Mary for Jack. Well if Dean knew he'd sell Jack for a corn chip anyway (is that Crowley's phrase from the original weird dog episode?) so that's just a great big victory. methinks the choice will fall on Sam or fall on Dean after he's had a chance to bond with Jack some more - that's the other side to the tension about Dean liking jack that i was talking about earlier whensomeone asked me why everyone wants dean to adopt jack.

ideally mary saves herself or it never comes to it but for now i'll assume whatever else happens between here and there, some version of this plan will at least be floated, even if it's random circumstances and not lucifer's hand any more or something

makes sense anyway to tie mary back into the main arc in a way like how she mirrored cas the entire time last season - if her fate and jack's are connected even tenuously it gives her a connect back into the main thing

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oh good the woman next to me has finished her dangerously over-full cup of Pimms because I was terrified it would be bye bye laptop

nnnoooo as I type she refilled it

the train is swaying back and forth so much

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anyway Mary asks Lucifer why he wants to be a parent and he hints several times in a row that he has hidden depths without actually showing any of them. i don't want him to have a redemption anyway and i really super duper don't want him to have one written entirely by BL

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Colonel Sanders continues to try and liven up the story while giving us surface level exposition

I'll be honest, 'write that down' is the first good line... must be whichever of BL is quippy currently writing. I think they just introduced a monster taht lucifer is scared of but I couldn't catch what it was and for some reason another demon is listening in so is he getting ideas? I mean why to what end? also what exactly was the thing that was locked up because it sounded like a cut price Leviathan expo dump but obvs not that because a leviathan would eat Lucifer

i mean i don't think we pay enough attention to the fact that dick roman would just gobble lucifer up and end of story. bring back dick.

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*Pimms lady sways dangerously close to my laptop*

I think Sam accused Dean of hallucinating "shit" on the road because it's too noisy to hear him say "sheep". I just assume that is what he actually said in the non-censored version

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pls drink your Pimms fast enough to end this danger but not so fast you're sloshed and throw it on my laptop before it's all gone

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Cashing in on that new Scooby Doo partnership! Some bank like Halifax is currently using Scooby Doo to sell stuff so I see that dog on telly all the time and the fact they exist in the same fictional universe as Sam and Dean is kiiiilling me. I think we have all been assuming Jack takes us to Scooby World so plonking him in front of the telly to watch some is how it all begins. Dean, like every fan fic between 13x01 and now hates Jack unreservedly for having childlike enthusiasm about the telly because Cas used to do that, while (semi)unaware that Jack is mirroring HIMSELF from 12x11 most closely right now. I think that's an interesting parallel I don't know how much work has gone into but pls poke me to write about Jack's 1 day old child-like wonder compared to sweetie pie no memory Dean if no one else has done it because they're essentially the same character from completely different angles, and we're about to hit Jack mirroring Dean excessively.

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Me: don't excessively sexualise the kid

BL: "here read a book" *chucks the Bible at him* *he opens it to the Song of Solomon* We're NOT having this chat right now.

I suppose some people just meta-gasmed all over this. I don't know much about the Bible but I do know that's the sexy bit.

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the "I can take the couch" conversation probably put the exact same thought process in Jack's head as mine when my very lanky brother looked at the lil brick hard bed set up in the corner of our hotel while we were stranded in Glasgow, and looked at me, princess and the pea-syndrome sufferer, and nobly offered to take a bed that *my* feet stuck 3 inches over.

No.

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Thanks but no.

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aw man we're only at Carlisle.

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It's the promo scene as well, which mostly just drove home how much Jack is mirroring Dean... We've had basically no character interaction in the missing day, although we can assume it's mostly gone like this... Dean annoyed, Sam forgiving Jack for being adorable, and Jack being adorable. He's getting better at sarcasm as well, which can't be making Dean feel any better about him.

And that means that the "Castiel is my father" revelation happened off-screen and we're not being given any room for a reaction about it, which is the most annoying part of this. I knew 13x01 was an anomaly and going into a BL ep so soon after would deprive us of some of the emotional depth, but it's like having a bucket of cold water dumped on us :P

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I think Dean's 'sometimes' about family being good is going to be a criminally underrated line and I don't even know if I can bring myself to remember it all the time in discussions about how Dean feels about family going forwards but this is a note that i heard him say it and acknowledged it means he has some issues with blood family ongoing.

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Jack being adorably human blah blah, Dean aggravates the issue by being really mean about insisting Lucifer is his father and asking if he reached out to Jack and now Jack's remembering him doing that. Hey leave the kid alone, Dean, his blank slate was slightly messed up by waning to be like Cas which is obviously an excellent exemption to  having a blank slate.

Maybe there's a metaphor in him agitating the bad father sitation over here.

I don't know if Jack should have asked for clarification there so let's pretend there was a hesitation and a "Ca -" "*Lucifer.* Your father." exchange. Or something.

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And now Nougat is lying about emotional strife, like's been agitated into being a Winchester from his great blank slate

GAH Stop gesturing by the STILL FULL glass of Pimms

they keep topping it up and it's not good for my stress levels

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I think I just missed basically everything that happened because all I could see was my own reflection but then they were like *rising tension music* *scuffle* *donatello* so I assume he jumped out on them. Mental note to go back and see who was defensive of Jack and what he did.

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*casually mopping up my neighbour's Pimms as it splashes dangerously close to my laptop while listening to Donatello's exposition*

the good thing about BL episodes is that you can often just kinda chill and  listen to the exposition if it's just a chunk o dialogue and nothing offensive is going on so we're making progress through the ep

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*dean is super bitter about who does and doesn't have a direct line to god for some reason*

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Awww Sam says they're brothers and it's a family crest when he is saying Jack should get the tattoo <3

*completely* robbed of Dean's reaction

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WHY DID THEY NOT TELL JACK IT WOULD HURT

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I went to the loo and came back to them wiping Pimms off their phone

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Well Jack just completely put Dean in his place RE: pain, when he told him to man up about it and Jack was like right we accept pain as a sign of maturity... this is absolutely not what Dean meant but it is probably a healthier approach to it minus all the toxic masculinity

can we get to 13x03 and an ep written by Berens soon :P

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Jack accidentally absorbs his warding. Oops. I guess that angel warding was a WEE bit OTT I mean I'm no expert but that looks like a total pain to be dealing with all the time for the makeup department :P

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Also must have taken friggin ages

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I still don't get why Donnatello is here except to use as a chip in their arguments... Ah well. Dean arguing intent doesn't matter freaky powers are freaky powers because he's still pissed about what happened to Cas and can't see the much more basic thing that Jack didn't mean to get Cas killed and OBVIOUSLY didn't intend it if he was waiting for Cas to be there for him when he popped out of the womb. I think for all the random avenues this took in fandom this is probably about as deep as the show will go if this is how BL are spelling it all out for us... And the answer is all there on the page already but we're just using Dean as the alternate side of the argument to show his own character stuff going on where he can't deal with Jack because he's upset about Cas. And he was always more concerned about Cas than the philosophy of whatever else was going on

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Train going through the Lake District... I am enchanted. It's a grey day w/ very low clouds and water on the ground and all the trees are autumnal. Sue me, this is more interesting than Donatello being unhelpful. He backed up Sam's argument earlier w/ saying Lucifer felt toxic and Jack is somewhat more like his grandfather, but then once he starts talking he's like hurr blurr as a scientist nature wins and he's a monster and then Sam's like I thought you were on my side dude and then Dean angsts about Cas some more and calls Jack the devil and he decides he better start teleporting now because leave me alone not-dad and get off my case

I hope we see his wings. Dean asks in 13x01 if he had wings and equated it to teleporting and I suppose we don't know how demons do it but the assumption is if he's half-angel adn can teleport then he has wings

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Oh no it is KILLING me how Jack's thing is sitting cross legged. PROTECT HIM.

Sam finds him, thankfully, after the Sad Kelly Montage. There's a very Northern man behind me talking loudly on the phone so I'm gonna concentrate SUPER HARD now

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The hotel is called the Black Hat which I think is western coding for the bad guy. There was a house in the prairie art on the wall, and the single isolated house is how Jack came into the world... He's dealing with towns now.

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Exposition Mooose! Telling us Dean gets some wires crossed about getting angry whe nhe's frustrated and scared  like yes good expose dean for us some more... explaining him to jack is like hey so um he's an acquired taste... trying to make this about protecting everyone instead of pointing out the obvious that he blames jack for what happened to cas

Jack is a winchester because he's like maybe i'm not worth it

help

and them Sam brings up w/o knowing it was on jack's mind that kelly thought so but also is a blatant link to how they used dead!mary to guide their lives right up until she came back...

... and then so would Cas and so would I. Sam aligning himself with Jack's parents to show he has emotional guardianship of him right now

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has dean gone down to the bar because it's called th eblack spur and obvs not the same one but i'm like 100% sure that's the bar from 10x01 where he was hanging with Crowley and I'm not gonna fact check that. it's "black" again aka more nature stuff, more coded evil stuff I guess? I don't know anything about Westerns I admit

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And hey look a blonde bartender is chatting to him - there's a Jack ale sign on one side... and hahahahahaaaa no there's a Kingdom Beer sign behind Dean over his shoulder because the director wants to kill me

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So far this is the weirdest BL episode Ive seen in a long time because they're trying so so hard to be all nuanced and deep and to explore character stuff and carry on the mood from the first episode, while being direly under-equipped to handle it, so everyone's just blurting exposition all over the place in a series of awkward exchanges. The overtness of the dialogue is actually helping in a weird way to rush through the tick boxes because Dean just admitted to seeking his neglectful father's approval from a standing start which is a sign of progress for him to just leap right into admitting his issues with John. I don't have a frame of reference for this because tired and white noise and noting we're pulling into Lancaster and it looks like rain now and there's a guy travelling with an enormous silver mirror with an ornate frame as tall as he is on the other platform and more pimms is on the table... but yeah when DID he last talk about John? Is this the increased openness since 12x22 we were hoping for? Is my backpack okay because it's in a luggage rack I can't see and if someone nicks it they're only stealing all my laundry but I like some of those t-shirts so it would be a bummer...

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Lol surprise Asmodeus, no wonder she pushed all the father stuff... Was he talking about Lucifer then? It's everyone has father issues season. He's fitting in as another mirror in it all. Like the great big shiny mirror the dude at Lancaster station had. I'd honestly not be surprised if John came back in some way just cuz we had the Mary season where motherhood was a theme, and now we're doing this. I don't think John would come back for good liek Mary but they could scrounge up a more direct way of confronting his memory at least.

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This also is so unsubtle bcos Dean had no idea what the bartender looked like so he coulda just tended the bar and chatted to Dean b4 he knew who Asmodues was, and we could have had some cool tension like we all know that Colonel Sanders is the bad guy and Dean's just chatting him up a bit. But then when do we ever get such things in a BL ep?

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Sam just goes and spells it out about Jack being molded and the ambiguity of his father figures aka the dual nature battle they think Jack should have, with a deciding vote already thrown in there by Kelly and of course that Jack has free will and choice

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So Mary just nearly got assaulted, tho not by Lucifer, which was not exactly a pleasant surprise. >.> idk what that guy's problem was but he seems to be implying women can't fight and something something I didn't catch but clearly he doesn't see a whole bunch of women. This is literally the antithesis of the show's handling of female hunters since the start so I'm going to have to assume that this is an AU thing like, total worst timeline, and everyone's sexist to boot. Not really a fan of doing this at all because why are humans made out to be just as bad as meeting angels and demons in this world - Mary being at risk from ALL of them (where is BOBBY I wanna see wtf was going on between him and AU mary and our mary and our bobby) - and it being disappointing that Mary's at risk BECAUSE she's female and might get assaulted.

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Lucifer continues to try and act like a good guy by saving Mary and then of course the Nice Guy twist that always comes - if you won't give me what I want that I'm pretending is mutually beneficial then I will just hurt you.

They're chilling by that church from 8x23 now so I guess Mikey will be along soon.

Preston Station looks like a hellscape as well - it's packed and there's no ticket barriers. I'm so glad we were only passing through

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Dean comes in and sits down with Sam with the shadows of the blinds falling over them - prison imagery I missed you! We're trapped in these mindsets...

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Sam wants to get them on the same page and Dean is like F U and Sam's like lemme do exposition while you sit with the shadow over your eyes.

I wish there was a shadow falling over my eyes... We've passed back through to hazy sunlight south of Preston.

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Sam says people who we love, and who have been in our lives for a long time, in such a way I bet some asshole is excluding Cas from one category bcos Mary doesn't count in the long time category so maybe one is for her and one is for Cas

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obviously that's the real donatello because he only cares about breakfast and is an object of ridicule while Asmodeus was presumably the other and actually talking plot.

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this is an idiot ball moment tbh because Jack hasn't been in any hotel scenes for a while and somehow we've shuffled through all the characters here and not had any of them with Jack or checking where he is despite him being the most precious cargo, and it was bugging me earlier that dontatello and sam talking meant jack was alone because he wouldn't be w/ dean so where was he but Sam didn't ask? they just chatted? And obvs that was asmodeus but yeah... no one's keeping an eye on him and D. wasn't even supposed to be taking Jack to get breakfast or what? If that wasn't him then what exactly did Sam think Jack was up to?

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Also Sam tanking the mytharc Dean tanking the personal arc - he talks to both of them w/o them knowing and guess what each's conversation is

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And also Dean came in with food as well like there's major miscommunication going on here if the real donatello was getting breakfst and so was Dean but is that the point or is that just a plothole where this doesn't add up properly if you actually try and map who knew what and - was Dean the one SUPPOSED to be watching Jack? But Sam didn't ask him either.

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Anyway here's the demon that Dean's entire fight scene is about straddling to death.

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I also loved his march down to the room where he was all in shadows

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The last shot of that fight though where Dean's cowering away from the demon on a bed while it advances on him with a knife

like wow that was a good fight scene for the dynamics going on there. Dean as a victim being absolutely dominated by that demon and all the associated knife and weirdass positions imagery. Dean on that table with his legs around the demon is like an entire meta on its own as well

-

okay it was too bright when I saw the scene where Asmodeus was talking about that whatever it was he let out but I THINK that was the same demon I thought I saw overhearing it and now I am wondering what on earth that was about because Dean just killed him :P

-

Awww Jack out in nature. I love the flowers and the buzz of insects and life all around him. And Asmodeus is testing him.

Okay it's been like one episode how can he have character inconsistency with himself from earlier in the episode - he now wants to unleash the things he got in trouble for unleashing before? I mean unless he's decided that Lucifer really isn't coming back so might as well just throw a party while there's no adult supervision, and get back to all that chaos and destruction he loves. If he thought there was remotely a chance Lucifer would come back he wouldn't do it, but then is he just doing it now out of spite that Lucifer told him no before, and instead of whatever nonsense he said about family dynamics back then is not really true at all because he wants to rebel now instead.

If Jack unleashes the thing because he was tricked then it will be the biggest Sam and Cas mirror thing ever and will set him up with some angst and guilt for the rest of the season.

One of the downsides of Dean not getting along with him is that Jack doesn't know how much scepticism about God is a healthy amount in this universe. He basically just knows that God is his grandfather and family is usually good. But God is suuuch a bad concept to rally behind here, it's not even like God wouldn't ask him to do it because God never tells anyone what to do about anything (which is like the first thing Dean would have told Jack if he hadn't still been sulking God wouldn't lift a finger to help him over the whole dead Cas issue), God would also just never have any positive reinforcement for anyone or get excited about having a grandson, at least in a way to get actively involved :P

I mean Chuck probs thought that Donatello making his way to Jack was about as useful as he could be and that immediately went sour when no one kept 2 pairs of eyes on each other at all times.

-

Wyoming has some pretty nasty stuff under it :P

I wonder if Hell maps exactly to earth but just kinda deeper.

Also point to me for rambling about hell gates earlier and then Asmodeus actually listening to my suggestion box for once. Maybe he will be the one character who can actually hear me in this show.

Hey you, you're an asshole

-

Is Lucifer aware he literally just lead them in a circle because I am so not telling him that, because it's too funny.

I hope Jack didn't inherit his sense of direction but this is Dabb era, as soon as that kid gets a car, trouble starts.

-

The midlands are so bleak.

-

These angels are wearing heavy tactical gear and yet more kneepads. The human had them too. This is just kneepad world. I don't see the necklaces of baby ears so maybe that design thing got ditched or maybe Bobby was being metaphorical.  The important thing is they don't look like Cas. The weird thing is we know Mikey's costume sort of does look like a ragged Cas.

Anyway Lucifer is so offended to hear Michael killed him even though it was literally the most obvious thing ever the entire time we've known about them and since 12x12 we've had extra info to prove it :P

-

Omg why are you opening champagne on a traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

-

MIKEY

He wanders in like hey I'm awesome but also I need to immediately open with super obvious exposition lines

Lucifer accuses him of being dressed like he came from a western too which goes with the thematics back in the Earth part of the story and also makes me think maybe the costuming choice was supposed to kinda mirror Frontierland Dean's 2nd costume because why the fuck not this is Dabb era, rules are for suckers :P

I can't see it w/o the hat but maybe he has a hat elsewhere.

-

this hole down into the centre of the earth looks REMARKABLY like the one the 2nd season of Shadowhunters had in the season finale, so I need Magnus to just wander over the rise and close it now. Also his eyes glow gold and cat like. Is his power literally equivalent to Jack's? He's like ridiculously OP in that show. I guess all that hiatus watching was research.

-

Ah, Asmodeus has learned the "Oh shit it's the Winchesters" moment already, especially recognising the car. Them driving right onto the scene has the oddest shades of 5x22 without anything being remotely like it except it's a field, hole in the earth, and car.

-

Okay why did Donatello yell "that's not Donatello"

this is like the reverse of the best version of this scene I've ever heard which is the one from the end of Here Be Gerblins in the Adventure Zone which I will not spoil for you except to say this is the worst and also it doesn't take too much listening to get to that point and I nearly cried laughing so you should probably go listen. More hiatus watching research!

-

The other option is D is having a total crisis of self w/o a soul or the evil D is actually the real thing and Asmodeus is helping them for some reason.

-

LOL he's like hi I'm Crowley's replacement so the line now is "howdy boys" intead of hello boys

-

As soon as Jack knows what's up and sees his new peeps getting hurt he stops because he is precious and he did nothing wrong and I love him

-

AWW HE THINKS THEY'RE HIS FRIENDS I LOVE YOU NOUGAT

-

Deal with that, Dean.

-

Mary like "... should I be shuffling backwards?" "I SHOULD BE SHUFFLING BACKWARDS, BYE"

-

Lucifer said he needed Mary, Mikey says he needs Lucifer... I think that phrase is being turned over and ruined now. The necessary step of Dean having said it to Cas that one time when he shoulda said I love you... They had a brief critique of "need and want" and some stuff about i and we, which was what last season was doing, but Cas feels bad bcos he feels needed but not wanted, and this is as much as Dean has said to him - from the depths of his heart - but it's not enough because that was season 8 and he hasn't felt like he belongs and he needs that I love you. Uh but w/o using "need" - look, they're gesticulating with champagne again, I have 1 eye on this at best as we roll through the midlands for an eternity :P Anyway I guess it is time to put "need" in the firing line as the Wrong Word that means that you're USING someone.

-

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? DEAN DOES NOT SIT AT THE TABLE LIKE THAT. OH MY POOR, POOR BROKEN CHILD LET ME HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS

I know it's probably for that wonderful shot of them through the door but Dean fundamentally does not sit up against the wall - he and Sam have their places at that table when they have their chats and it's a serious thing since the entire time theyve been using the kitchen for important plot chats.

Anyway he super not okay bcos that's his seat he sits at when he's in his proper place in the dynamic - or improper one but the point is the dynamic is the dynamic when they sit opposite each other and Dean's opted out and flopped back against the wall instead of sitting where he normally does when he and Sam are in balance. Sam's connection to his seat has some other flavours of his side of the codependency issues but largely about his lack of assertiveness or getting too messed up about saving Dean, so we'll see

-

AAAH Sam is sitting one seat over as well.

I know it's a free table but there's 8 seats and REMARKABLY little flexibility about it.

Dean's wearing a black henley which is also baaad news. *pats him on the head and follows with a blanket*

-

Sam stands (or sits) his ground

-

Dean, gosh, I don't like when the camera follows you because this is probably going to be awful for my heart.

We also have not really had his POV much this ep except the Asmodeus chat up scene

He's mostly reacted. Like he thinks Jack is only reacting.

I DON'T LIKE THIS SCENE

PROTECT JACK FROM HIMSELF TOO

I hope he was just being curious like a super amped up version of how Kira on Orphan Black found out she has super healing powers so sliced her own arm open while being scared and fascinated with what she was and pissed off the adults wouldn't tell her anything but this was gross and violent and pls protect Jack because that was awful.

Dean's suitably horrified though because he has to contemplate Jack is just as freaked out and lost as he is about this whole thing because this is a gross and horrifying way to show that Jack is as fucked up and lost as the rest of them. I don't think he was actually trying to kill himself esp. because he knew the angel blade already stabbed him and did nothing and even if he doesn't know what it is and why that's signficant he knows he didn't die of something that should have killed him... I hope it's just childlike curiosity mixed with bleak existential horror as he comes to understand how much he doesn't understand himself even in the context of the world he's in...

-

OH NO

but also good lines of dialogue they acted super well. Jack is starting to think he can't be saved if Dean doesn't think it and is silently asking him to do it because he doesn't want to hurt people and oh gosh this isn't 10x09 at all where Deran asked Cas to do it to him... But completely different emotional landscape where Dean WOULD do it and wants to and Jack is only just starting to doubt himself and wonder if he would hurt people and the important thing is not like Dean thinking there was a line he would cross and half-tricking Cas into saying he'd do it by asking him for a favour first, but Cas not being able to oblige him in 10x22... This is Jack being such a good pure piece of nougat that he's SCARED of what he is and what he can do and beginning to think that he might need to be killed esp. because Dean thinks so and this has been a bad day for him... even though again his nature shone through, Dean thinks it was a "sneeze" and Jack still doesn't have a developed enough moral compass to understand what he did except that we can see it was a good thing.

-

And final shot Jack reflected in the mirror all bloody and sad and I need to zoom in on that later to see his face because like magic the sun is out again when I want to look at the screen.

-

End episode here. Good. That means Dean angstily listening to music is in 13x03 almost for sure because I want it to be (uh, sorry that's not science :P) but it would be a great Berens to Berens chat with self about 9x14 and Dean angstily listening to music there.

I am not actually where were we are any more except powering towards London, but I'm gonna put my laptop away because they're still topping up the champagne and I just survived a BL episode where nothing so awful happened that I can see the fandom outrage from a million miles away and the worst I can say is that they are an exposition machine and I wish they had more nuanced dialogue because in someone else's hands that character stuff would have been delivered well rather than just delivered :P

[helthehatter]

Okay so I was able to plow through Road Kill last night and... I’m flabbergasted. I genuinely don’t know what to say.

The first three books were your typical zombie apocalypse survival story. This one-this one made a sudden and abrupt and forced turned into a biblical good vs evil narrative.

Which, as a Christian, the idea itself doesn’t bother me. The fact it is done do suddenly and without any sort of forethought is my problem.

I’ve spent three books with these people and they never bring up their spiritual beliefs ONCE. But then suddenly they are all talking about the End of Days numerous, numerous times, mentioning how they saw a program for it on History Channel so much you’d think History Channel sponsored this book, “Are YOU a Christian?” “Are YOU a Christian?” Justice the atheist becomes converted after he gets possessed because somehow believing in neither of God nor the devil makes it easy for the devil to control you-whatever.

Oh right! The devil, he’s caused the zombie apocalypse, and made the water turn into blood, and has a demon minion (a ginger called Travis cause OF COURSE it’s a ginger) who can summon fireballs out of thin air and control the zombies.

Their goal is to find The Chosen One-which is a baby-that Bryce happened to found.

Also one of the annoying tweens is suddenly a prophet.

I just-I don’t know guys these books were bad but I’ve never been left utterly dumbfounded before. This reads as if the author suddenly converted and wanted to let us know (even though she didn’t use the proper He when addressing God) or she wanted to start writing a biblical mythology type story and decided to just put it in her current series. Or wanted to throw in a twist no one saw coming which she technically succeeded.

I don’t know. I just don’t know the series is still awful and boring and the only reason I got through it like I did was because I gave all the characters stupid voices.

Now I don’t feel like posting screenshots of all the little moments that irked me but I will list them:

-after nuns let prisoners (who turned out to be the ginger demon and his assistant) into the church around children cause, Idk they didn’t believe in common sense, the assistant attacks Cassie. Cassie makes a don’t drop the soap joke. In which the prisoner says she had no idea what it’s like in there, what a man has to do to survive. Which like, fuck, that was a realistic reaction. This one dimensionsal villain is the only character with emotional depth. So when Cassie made several more r*pe jokes afterward I-I was not thrilled. Humor is subjective and this is an awful man who doesn’t deserve pity. So leave it to Kristen to make a scene she probably thought was funny make everyone else feel uncomfortable.

-Paige (Cassie’s friend) spent a good amount of time bitching at Kristie to let her be an adult already. Hey look I enjoy bitching Kristie as much as the next person but that doesn’t mean your whining and running off is endearing Paige.

-speaking of Paige she and Bryce are suddenly, always bickering now. Like suddenly she’s not the biggest fan which almost would be her best quality if other things hadn’t happened. Also I thought they were going to make out cause that’s what people who don’t like each other in YA novels do.

- But yes Bryce, says he’s not sexist. I told him to just be honest. Spends a good bit of time mad the females don’t do as they’re told. Also the Chosen One baby doesn’t like him. Literally the only good line is Paige saying the baby girl doesn’t like him and he ‘has that effect on woman’ I could’ve high fived her and the baby.

- Tiny (Kristie’s boyfriend) says ‘someone up above must think you’re a good mother.’ And I nearly broke something laughing.

- Bryce and Cassie had sex again. Wasn’t graphic but I found it funny he was compared to a mini candy bar cause he didn’t last long. Haha.

- tough girl Nora is a dumb bitch. Boyfriend gets bitten. Boyfriend tries to steal baby. “Untie my wrists babe, please...” “okay and I’ll pretend you can’t untie your legs with free hands.” “Kiss me babe, please...” “okay, but no tongue because you’re infected and turning into a zombie.”

-you know what maybe we brought in God cause only Divine Intervention could keep these idiots alive.

-also Cassie flashed her tits at the criminal.

-also Henry didn’t die despite spending the whole book saying he was going to.

-Paige still checks out men’s asses at the most inappropriate times.

-also, I didn’t think about this until later. The climax takes place in Mall Of America (do NOT get excited it’s a complete waste they could have had that scene in any old mall) where Travis the Ginger demon summoned zombies and SATANISTS to help find the baby. They do this by capturing a bunch of babies and killing their mother. Guys I’m telling you they never tell us what happened to the satanists and the babies. Our ‘heroes’ just left motherless babies at the mall with zombies and a cult around. I hate this book.

So that’s enough of an essay. Road kill isn’t great don’t read it. But if you have any questions about it feel free to go to my inbox

Well we’re stuck in quarantine what else to do but suffer. I will be bringing you:

BOOK FOUR OF THE ZOMBIE GAMES: ROAD KILL

Let’s suffer together

[themyskira]

Some disordered (spoilery) thoughts on the movie

Some things that I liked

Kid Diana racing through the streets, lighting up with excitement as she watches the warriors train. The not-at-all-innocent “hello, Mother” when Hippolyta catches her out (literally).

An active, bustling Amazon society. Amazons going about their days. Amazons sparring together, Amazons taking pleasure in one another’s company.

Diana’s compassion. Her instant willingness to risk her own life in the face of others’ suffering. 

“I am willing to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Like you once did.” “You know that if you choose to leave us, you can never return.” “Who will I be if I stay?”

Hippolyta’s love and grief and pride. The parting gift of Antiope’s headband -- the iconic tiara.

Diana’s palpable delight in the little things -- The sight of a baby. Snow. Dancing. Celebrating townsfolk. The taste of ice cream.

(The ice cream moment, by the way -- so, so, so much better than the comic book scene it’s derived from, which was actually awful.)

Her refusal to walk past injustices or to sacrifice individuals for the greater good. Steve, the military intelligence man, forces himself to ignore the suffering civilians and focus on the mission, which will ultimately prevent greater suffering. Diana can’t accept that, won’t accept that. No other relief is coming for these people. She steps out into No Man’s Land.

Facing Ares at the last with that simple, powerful conviction: for all the darkness in human hearts, there is also the capacity for great love, and she’ll fight for that every day if she has to.

The use of the BvS quote in the trailer is thoroughly misleading: this isn’t the story of why Diana walked away from mankind. It’s the story of why she continues to fight for humanity, believing in people’s ability to rise above their darker impulses.

Some things that I did not like

DIANA IS A RASH, NAIVE IDIOT.

And yes, this is a young Diana, an untested Diana on her first journey into Man’s World. I realise that. I expect her to screw up, to misjudge things and have her preconceptions challenge. I expect there to be a learning curve.

Even allowing for that, the Diana in this movie is a complete dickhead.

She’s an adult who still believes in fairy tales. She thinks that humans are completely good and pure, and only the corruption of outside forces causes them to do bad things.

Over the course of the movie, she is continually confronted with situations that challenge this view. She meets good people who have done bad things -- people who don’t always have the luxury of standing up for principles, and people who’ve made terrible choices for right reasons. She witnesses and learns of corruption, discrimination and dispossession. Again and again and again.

And she learns nothing from any of this.

Because when she thinks she’s killed Ares (and oh, I’ll get to that bit of stupid), she is shocked -- shocked -- that people don’t immediately lay down their weapons.

And when Steve floats the possibility that maybe, maybe war is just a little more complicated that “the devil made them do it”, she can't fucking deal with it and decides “FUCK Y’ALL, YOU DON’T DESERVE MY HELP. NEVER MIND THE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT BEFORE, THEY CAN ALL FUCKING BURN. IF HUMANS AREN’T PERFECT CREATURES OF VIRTUE THEN THEY DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE.”

but no I don’t think I’ve adequately explained what an absolute boneheaded twit this woman is.

Her naivety goes beyond the usual fish-out-of-water hijinks. She has no awareness of the people around her. She cannot make intuitive leaps. She doesn’t take on board what she’s told. She has no interest in planning or considering the consequences of her actions, which means that Steve’s constantly trailing one step behind her lecturing her about how she can’t do whatever it is she's about to do.

“OH NO I DON’T NEED A PLAN I’LL JUST RUN INTO THE PARTY AND MURDER A DUDE AND THEN THE WAR WILL MAGICALLY END I SEE NO REASON TO TALK ABOUT THIS FURTHER THERE IS NOTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG IN THIS EQUATION”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE NEED TO THINK THIS THROUGH. WHY WOULD WE SECURE THE POISON MURDERGAS AND PREVENT IT FROM BEING DEPLOYED AGAINST ANYBODY WHEN WE COULD KILL A GUY ON A HUNCH I HAD INSTEAD. GOD STEVEN IT’S LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO STOP ME FROM ENDING THE WAR”

She comes to the conclusion that General Ludendusseldorfendorf is Ares in disguise based solely on the fact that he is he one spearheading the German murdergas project, and obviously humans are not capable of doing evil things on their own, and it’s not like there are hundreds of other people involved in the production of these weapons or at least there are but she doesn’t know any of their names so she can probably pre-emptively rule them out and just go murder Ludenhoodendooden.

Sure, it helps that Ludenhorfledorf is an absurd cartoon villain of the sort who is prone to cackling maniacally and shooting his own men at random. Who, when Diana finally comes face-to-face with him, spends most of the conversation talking about the massive hard-on he has for war and slaughter and Ares specifically. But you kinda want to be sure before you jump to the dramatic speechifying and righteous murdering.

Gary Oldman Ares is awful. Everything about the gods is awful. Ares murdering all the gods. Zeus as a loving, self-sacrificing, pseudo-Christian god. Zeus replacing the role of the goddesses in the Amazons’ story. Ares describing himself as the god of truth URGH. The utter bullshit of Ares’ “boooooo humans are assholes, I want them all to die so much so that the world can be decent again” urgh fuck off mate you are such a disappointing villain.

And could anybody else figure out the logic in his ranting? because fuck knows it’s still eluding me. “oooooohhh I have so much faith in humans’ ability to fuck themselves and everybody else over that I’m actually helping to negotiate Armistice! I’m literally doing everything I can to stop the war because I know that in the end it will have no effect and humans will bomb each other into oblivion! and I won’t have had anything to do with their destruction! Sure, I very deliberately put the tools for mass slaughter in the hands of the select few people in this war who had both the desire and the power to use them, thus giving them the ability to overpower the majority who had turned their efforts to peace, and to escalate the conflict against the wishes of their leaders! But really it’s humanity as a whole that is the asshole here!”

Dr Poison is more plot device than character. She has no backstory, no arc and no personality. She’s a generic evil minion whose only pleasure in life comes from devising new ways to murder people with chemicals. She is wasted.

If Etta Candy were a rose by any other name, I might have liked her. I like Lucy Davis as an actress, and though I found the character a bit... overly quirky-loveable-British-comic-relief-girl... it was nice for Diana to have a potential female friend in what was (outside of Themyscira) a very male-dominated cast, and it would have been nice for them to interact more.

My sticking point with the character is that she was supposed to be Etta Candy. Who will always be, in my head, a fierce, fabulous, fearless, ass-kicking Texan lady. Quirky British “we use our principles, although I am not averse to engaging in fisticuffs should the occasion arise” haha jolly good... ain’t gonna cut it for me. Though I acknowledge that this is getting into nitpicking.

Steve annoyed the shit out of me. He is both the brains and the heart of the movie. He is the one who ultimately teaches Diana to love humanity, to fight for them, to be a hero. Diana wants to help end the war, but Steve’s words are what spur her to defy her mother’s forbiddance. She throws herself into the fight against Ares, but Steve’s sacrifice and the love and dedication behind it are what empower her to defeat him. She wants to help from the start, but it’s Steve who teaches her not to fight for people because they “deserve” it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s Steve who teaches Diana true compassion.

Throughout the film, Steve is the one trailing after Diana trying in vain to make her see reason. He’s the one making the plans to actually stop Ludendude from committing chemical genocide while Diana is crashing from scene to scene all “OKAY I WILL GO END THE WAR NOW. WHICH WAY IS THE WAR AGAIN?”

Steve is smarter, more understanding, more competent and more compassionate than Diana.

Also, after Diana sees Steve naked he spends the next two or three scenes anxiously assuring her that his dick is, in fact, larger than average.

(Diana knows about sex because she’s read all the books, urgh)

The sword is a misdirect: the weapon Zeus left the Amazons to counter Ares is Diana herself. Kind of cool as a general concept, except that this effectively replaces Diana’s “brought into being by a mother’s love” origin with one in which she is a weapon bequeathed by the Supreme Patriarch. Also, the foreshadowing of this was the exact opposite of subtle, taking some of the power out of the eventual revelation.

This origin also means that Diana is the only child on Themyscira, which adds to this whole... woman-child thing about her that I really don’t like. Because the movie requires her to go from “why are those people holding hands? because they’re together? well, you and I are together, why shouldn’t we hold hands? what do you mean it’s not the same? of course I know about sex I have read lots of books about human biology” to fucking (and, the implication is, losing her virginity to) Steve and... euuugh.

also 140 minutes is a fucking slog, man.

idk there is probably more to say but I feel like I’ve stopped being coherent.