#idk I mean he’s got top surgery so it’s not like bare breast | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reblogcentre-2 · 3 years

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tw for: sh & trans stuff & blood & auto-surgery

So you asked about my experience with auto-surgery. I actually wrote a vent fanfiction so I copy-pasted it & added more notes & stuff. The notes I added after are in ((here)) & the rest of it is my vent fanfic. The fanfic is p much accurate to the experience & any inaccuracies are pointed out ((in the)) notes.

I've dreamt about this before, but I never thought I would actually do it. It's completely an impulse decision. Well maybe not completely. I have the sense to find supplies first. Like a pack of razor blades. ...And scissors, toilet paper, rubbing alcohol, ice packs, a needle and thread, and a glass of water to keep me hydrated. I may be making a stupid decision, but I'll at least do it right.

I sit on the floor of my room, and take off my shirt. While holding an ice pack under my… on my chest ((don’t wanna say boobs)), I tie some fabric around my waist so there’s no bloody mess I have to clean. ((didn't work.)) Damn this ice pack is so cold, it almost hurts. Though, that's a good thing. It means my nerves will be numb.

Right.

I look around at my setup in confusion, I've lost my train of thought, ((adhd)) what am I doing what next- Ah, razor.

A thin piece of metal, flexible, yet strong. It doesn't glint in the artificial light. It's a matte metallic grey. I pick up my little prize, and having sanitized ((sadly not sterilized tho)) it in the alcohol and let it dry, letting down the ice pack. I bring it to the underside of my chest- but I can't see it. Disappointment. I put it down.

I need to get my fat ugly breast out of the way. Then it occurs to me- tape! ((I shoplifted this tape)) I use the tape to pull my chest up and back so I can see underneath it, or as much as I can, considering the size of it.

Now, I take up my razor. I remember reading about this one lady who gave herself a cesarean section with three long slices of a kitchen knife. She was a Mexican butcher. ((k so she had to go to the hospital after to get her intestines re-arranged I think. Also, this is what I would ask you to do, If I’m numb I won’t feel it so you can just boom three long swipes with a nice sharp chef’s knife & boom my boob is gone.))

Taking a deep breath, bracing myself for what's to come, I put the razor to my skin and pull. But I don't pull. I lift. I was too afraid, too cowardly to actually try. ((this is why I want someone else to do it)) Thankful to have lost some sensation from binding, I replace the ice pack and breathe again. Ok. I've got this. This is good. This is ok.

I lift the ice pack again, and this time I test my skin slightly. I… can't feel it. At least, not much. So, with the tape pulling back the offending tissue, I use my right hand to swipe across my left chest. It's barely a scratch. I try it again, this time closing my eyes before opening and doing the cut. It's much faster this time, and slightly deeper. How did she do it in three slices with her kitchen knife?

The blood is warm, and it drips down my chest. I unravel some tissue to dab at the blood. Then I make another cut, following inside the first, deepening it.

Yes.

I can't easily reach all the way across the bottom, so I'll have to settle for my scar being slightly on the inside. ((I can legit send a pic of the scar if you’re comfy with that)) I wipe the blood, then replace the ice pack. I need some more freezing. In a moment, I get back to it with the razor.

I can sometimes feel the pain, but I try to ignore it, or freeze it away. I keep slicing, wiping, and icing my chest. ((ok so only the skin felt painful & if you’re good, you can get thru the skin rly fast with the knife)) All the way until I see something unusual.

That's not skin.

That's… something.

Subdermal fat maybe? ((I had seen this already, but this was written as a vent fanfiction)) I keep going with the razor, another slash or two. Then I take hold of my scissors. ((oh the scissors were shit)) I can pinch my loose-from-binding skin to make a slight fold where I can use the scissors. So I do.

I use the scissors to open up the hole wider, ((idk if I actually did a lot of this or only a little bc scissors were painful af)) and I can see the fat in it. It's lumpy and greasy.

I'm disgusting.

It's a yellowish ((in culinary, the paler the fat the healthier the deer/animal. I think it might have just been discoloured from the blood. Btw there was no blood in the fat bc fat doesn’t have caapillaries)) white, made up of little bubbles, or maybe they just look that way because of the mutilation I'm committing. It's covered in red blood, so it looks more of an orange pink.

My gash is about 10cm long, maybe less. Probably less. ((I can measure if u want)) I use the scissors on the fat under the skin, and surprisingly, I can't feel it. I wipe up the blood, ready to strike again, but when I pick up the scissors I've bled again. I wipe again, pick up the scissors again, and prepare to slice again, again; but like last time there is too much blood. ((ugh I remember this, it was so annoying & my rag was already blood soaked))

I try to wipe it up enough to continue with my surgery, but I keep bleeding. and my ice packs are getting warm. ((I had to ask my brother to get me another ice pack but he brought me one that was only partially frozen))

So…

Shower.

I can do this in the shower.

I'm covered in blood, but the water would wash it away, keep it clean, moist, prevent it from clotting, and the cold water could provide numbing. Yes. I'm a genius. Shifting my pins-and-needles legs, I gather all the supplies I can carry, and peek my head around the corner. Nobody is coming.

Perfect.

I dash through the hallway, and my supplies are dumped on the washroom counter.

What do I do now? I… turn on the tap.

The cold water is uncomfortable, but I lean my body down, supporting my weight on either end of the tub, so that the water only runs along my chest. I tense as it cools the flesh. Then I step out of the shower, thankful that only my chest is wet, and try to keep on, but it’s so bloody. ((I remember thinking it literally looked like a murder scene. I was a Sherlock fan t the time))

It would make perfect sense to just bring my tools into the shower with me. I bring in two of my sharpest razors and my scissors, as well as one ice pack. ((I didn’t want the water to warm up the ice)) I run the cold shower over my laceration again, numbing it more, and once I’m done with that, I take my scissors and I put them inside.

Repeat repeat repeat. ((ok I think here is where I try to separate my skin from my breast tissue? I got such bad bruises bc I didn’t manage to take it all out))

Soon, I’m done separating the skin and extending the opening up a little higher. I keep rinsing the blood, the water runs down my entire body at this point, but I’m used to the cold.

I use my scissors to cut in deeper, I can’t feel it in the mammary fat at all. The scissors are opened and closed in rhythm, without being taken out of me between snips, and I reveal something that looks less like skin, and less like the bubbly pale fat. It might be a mammary gland- I’m not sure. It’s a different texture though, and-

Ouch! I can feel that! Damned fuck! I mean heck! ((I think I legit tried to not swear. I hurt a lot to cut that part. If it’s just done in one swipe tho it wouldn’t be as bad))

I water my wound again. I can’t have my body in pain. Just a few more seconds of cold water, and I can get back to it. Or maybe I should use my ice pack too… The ice pack helps freeze whatever that thing is, so I can cut through it with my scissors.

I’ve made a thick cut now, but I’ve seen surgeries before, I’ve watched so many videos of top surgeries, even some full surgery videos. I know what to do.

So I take my razor from the soap-bench in the wall and run it between the skin and my tissue until I get enough space for my scissors. ((oh! no- here’s the part where I separate the skin & get bruising)) My scissors go right between them, opening and closing as I move them around under my skin. I can see my skin stretch around them, like seeing someone’s legs under a blanket.

Now that I have it separated, I could maybe cut out an entire chunk. I rinse my scissors under the shower, and put them down on the floor of the tub, then I look down.

I’m covered in blood.

I open the shower door and look in the mirror across from me. It looks like a murder scene. There, my skin held apart by tape, a gaping slash under my- my breast, blood drips coming down from it, blood spread all over my torso from the water, blood in the hole in my body, ((yes a hole in my body, kinda wish I took a pic)) blood bright red from being mixed with the water, blood clotting on my belly. I made jokes about some things looking like murder scenes before, like when working with food colouring.

Oh how I was wrong.

This is what a murder scene looks like. I’m so bloody. Part of me wants to take a picture, ((lol I was just thinking this!)) but oh hell (I mean heck) that would be messed up. As though I’m not already messed up!

Well I can’t stare, I have work to do. Work. I close the shower door, and bend down to pick up my ice pack, but I need to be careful, I don’t want to disturb my broken chest.

Numbing my chest again, I continue with this routine, pulling out chunks of my own body and flushing them down my shower drain like the serial killer I read about a little while ago. ((I don’t remember much about the chunks. It might have been less chunks than I’m making it sound. I have memory problems so : / ))

At some point I look in the mirror again, and I’m almost disgusted at what I’ve done.

My family probably needs to use the washroom, I’ve probably been showering for an hour now, they might get suspicious.

The smell is metallic & meaty, almost fishy even.

Thankfully, when I look down at my chest, it seems like I might be slightly smaller than before. ((not rly. It partially looked that way bc of the tape)) It definitely looks smaller than the one on my right. I haven’t been using my ice pack much lately. The blue liquid in the plastic pack has lost most of its cold.

I rinse off my less sharp scissors and razor, and spray all of the leftover bubbles of fat and drops of blood down the drain, trying to get the bloody footprints and handprints ((I forgot I made hand/foot prints!! If I had forgotten them mum could have walked in to pee & seen bloody handprints lol)) from the edges of the tub where I supported myself before getting used to the completely cold shower. I rinse off my torso, too now. Blood is strewn all over it, and some has dripped down to my legs, which has now dried. As soon as I rinse it off, I bleed some more. Ah. Well.

Onto the burgundy red floor towel I step, and I try my best to dry off my bloody chest and abdomen, but of the two rags I have, one of them is wet from taking it into the shower, and the other is already soaked with blood. Neither can help. I do my best nonetheless, and decide I should move on to stitches.

I know how to sew, and I’ve gotten stitches before, I should be able to do them. ((irl I had only gotten stitches once & I already gave myself stitches once))

But I can’t find my needle, ((yeah I just couldn’t find my needle when I moved from my room to the washroom)) and the water hasn’t numbed my skin enough. Inside my body, in the fat, I can’t feel it, but, seemingly, I would still be able to feel it if I were to perform my own stitches.

Alrighty then, I can just tape myself together until I dry. But the tape won’t stick. ((ugh this was so annoying! I literally used all of my skin tape)) Neither will the bandaids. I have no sewing needle. I don’t know what to do, crap! I don’t know how to fix this! The tape won’t stick! Screw this fucking hell! I mean hecking heck!

Eventually, I go to my room. I put on my faux binder. It’s an old bra with a piece of fabric of my measurements sewed on the inside to compress my chest, the bra is just for the straps. Over that loose and torn excuse for a binder, I put on bra after bra, binding my semi-detached chest down so that I might be able to sleep without causing more damage.

I have a.. A thing tomorrow. ((practice for my baking competition)) I can go to the hospital a few blocks away from my school ((20 minute walk)) and get stitches there. Maybe they’ll even say I need to get top surgery an’ the gover’ment will pay for it. Yeah that’d be nice. I can jus’ wai’ ‘ntil tomorrow... and tomorrow I can take more ibe- ibu- ibupropen- ibuprofen... ((I wrote like this for the dramatic effect in the vent fic)) I can't take any more t’day. I’ll just go to sleep now n’ then I’ll wake up for school and when mom... asks me whaveter she asks I'll just tell her I have carpentry, and I'll tell the instructor that I’m not working today. ((irl I went to culinary, then told my teacher “actually I’m going to pick up my supplies to practice with & skidaddle”)) He’ll unsterdand, it’s not like I have school, it's the teacher’s comvemtion, I’m not obligated to stay, I can lust jeave. Mum will be none the wiser. Yah. Sleepy time. Hospital tomorrow.

((so yeah. I go to sleep & ppl always say they can’t sleep on their sides so I tried that but I couldn’t handle it so I slept on my side while hugging a pillow to make sure nothing fell. I’m shaking too. Tbh I was just thinking “I’ve been in the bathroom for an hour or more, why has nobody knocked asking to brush their teeth?” I wake up the next day & put on a button-up shirt bc ppl say they can’t lift their arms, I practice walking on google maps to the hospital, then mom drives me to school. I had my learner’s license but I didn’t want to drive bc of my injury. I go in, I tell Chef I’m leaving, he’s cool abt it. So now I’m loaded up with a huge backpack, it’s february in canada & I forgot a jacket (bc I was driving in a warm car to a warm school & busy planning other things), I also brought my fiddle bc I waited for 4 hours last time & was bored, & I have a huge toolbox & a tub of fondant. I walk 20 minutes to the hospital, get in, & I need to change from my mask to the hospital mask. I go through talking to ppl & stuff. Eventually I’m called up for triage & I tell the guy what’s up (& take my meds bc I forgot that morning & she thought I was doing drugs) & sheasks me for my healthcard number & stuff. I think she was able to put my preferred name in the notes. I’m unbuttoning my shirt & she says “actually come in here” so I go into the nurses’ station & she peels up my bras a bit (apparently I’ve bled) & she’s like “wtf bro” & I’m like “what?” & she’s really concerned that I wanted like 12 hours to come. It was like 9-10pm that I was doing it & it was probably 10am at the time I saw her idk. So she gets me into a private room immediately I think (idk I might be mixing this up with the hospital trip where I had to wait for ages. Idk whether I had to wait here too.) Oh I forgot, I also plucked my violin while waiting for triage or to get called to a private room, but I wasn’t allowed. So eventually (really soon by hospital standards) I get taken to a private room. They get me to change into a gown (all of my bras off too) & now my breast isn’t secured. So while I’m waiting I play my fiddle & look up chords on my phone. Everyone likes it. The nurses & doctors & porters are like “where’s that music coming from?” & “It’s like we’re at the beach” bc chords on violin sound like chords on ukelele despite the fact that I was singing mostly mother mother. Ppl come in a lot tbh. I think the doctor comes in but he says “my shift is over soon & you will take a long time, bYe!” also I’ve been asked so many times if this was a suicide attempt & I’m like “nah bro if I wanted to be dead I would be, I’m not actually suicidal anymore.” Eventually a porter comes to move me from my nice private room to some curtained one. I’m plucking my violin quieter but some fuckin security guard says it’s loud & might be disturbingother patients so I play a really quiet eidelwisse & then I think I might stop. The guard called me miss too & it sucked. Eventually the doctor on shift comes & asks me about things & why & he’s also got his hands on my boob. (when I saw the first doctor he asked if I needed a female doctor & I was like “nah dude ur a doctor & I’m a trans.) So he’s going to sew me up & at some point he asks “tdo you want me to take the rest off?” I’m super confused until I realize he’s making a joke: “do you want me to finish the job & take the rest of your boob off?” so I laugh & say “I wish” & he says “I’d do a horrible job” & I’m like “BRo I AlreAdy did a hOrrible job!” so that was funny. He also asked me about trans stuff bc he didn’t understand a lot (he was respectful even tho he didn’t understand) & he even suggested I claim back pain to get a reduction. I have back pain (mostly from binding). Anyways he drops the needle with novacaine or whatever the hell& needsto get a new one & nobody can touch it bc it’s sharp. A few times it hurts but it’s fine I just close my eyes. He asks “do you need more anesthetic?” & I’m like “bro I did this with only a fucking ice pack” but w/o the swears. I ask him if I can bind after & he’slike “idk” so that was fun. I have a dip in my scar now. Then a nurse comes in & puts a fuck ton of bandages & gause on me but it’s stupid bc I was lying doen & as soon as I stood up (& worse when I put on a bra) it changed everything. So they give me a bag for all my bras & I walk back to school. Now it’s like 15.00 or 3 o’clock so I get back to school… & my phone is at 1%. I text my mom “hey I’m done at school” on google hangouts but my phone dies before I know whether or not the message sent. Chef is already gone, so I can’t get into the school. I can’t call mom. I walk around for a bit, assuming she’ll pick me up when she thinks it’s time. Nope. I’m outside in the cold. I start knocking on doors asking for a phone but it’s fricking covid season! I walk to a nearby coffeeshop & borrow the phone of a nice couple. Mom got sus of that. I warm up in the nice coffeeshop, mom takes me home, but she knows I skipped practice. I think she even called my chef. So yeah that was stupid. I told her “haha I went to get drugs” but she didn’t believe me & also what kind of a lie is that? She knew I cut myself, I guess I just didn’t want to worry her or have her demand to see or cry & ask me why I felt the need to change my body. I’m pissed off that she caught me (she caught me last time I gto stitches too). I can’t jump anymore *& I’m wearing my size-up binder. The doctor told me to scrub my stitches in nthe shower, the nurse told me to wrap in in plastic wrap. I’m wearing button shirts for ages after this, I’m avoiding lifting my arms, everything sucks. Whenever I think of it, I could smell it. I smelled the blood. Every time I smelled a glass that was washed in a dishwasher, I smelled my injury. Every time I remembered it, I could smell it. I don’t get that anymore but I was literally in mild shock & I think I may have traumatized myself. There’s more to say but I forget it all & idc so good night))

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hellofanimagination · 6 years

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Something My Soul Needs

Prompt: Requested by Anonymous: “ Can you do some smutty Mikey Way/Trans M Reader where the Reader is super self conscious and Mikey’s just super sweet and understanding??? Idk this would mean a lot”

Word Count: 1,189

Warnings: dysphoria, pre-op trans reader (not rlly a warning but idk could be triggering to some)

Pairing: Mikey x Male!Reader

You’ve been dating Mikey for just over a year and a half now, he’s seen you through your ups and downs, therapy and your first T shot, and he’s always been supportive and loving and always by your side. He’s an amazing boyfriend, even on the shitty days when you can’t stop seeing everything ‘feminine’ about yourself, how your jaw isn’t as sharp as his and your voice isn’t as low as the other guys and how your hips are still wider and the fact that you have breasts and they don’t. T is helping, your voice is getting deeper, you’ve started to grow facial hair, but your chest still causes you intense dysphoria on the bad days and insecurities and discomfort on the good ones. Mikey is cis, he can’t relate or ever completely understand what you’re feeling, but he does his best everyday. He keeps his distance when you ask, cuddles when you need it, brings you food, distracts you, tells you everything about you that the T has changed, points out how masculine you look to him and how sometimes the mirror lies. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t, but he’s always there and he’s always trying.

Tonight it’s bad and it’s getting late, you need to get ready for bed which means taking off your binder and your hoodie and you aren’t sure you can do it. Not alone anyway. You bring your knees to your chest and watch Mikey brushing his teeth through the open bathroom door. His hair is ruffled, still dressed in his jeans and t-shirt from the day but his feet bare. He looks handsome, strong and yours. You sigh at the twinge of jealousy that doesn’t dissolve as quickly as you want it to. Mikey spits and rinses and comes into the bedroom, smiling at you and waiting for you to smile back but you don’t, can’t get past the knots in your stomach and the feeling of your binder constricting your chest.

“You ok, y/n?” Mikey asks and you shake your head, knowing lying will only make him worry. “Talk to me,” he presses, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at you with his soft, loving eyes.

“I don’t want to take off my binder, I need to keep it on.” Your voice is soft, tired and worn out from your thoughts. Mikey nods and bites his lip before he speaks.

“I know you feel better with it on but you need to take it off, it’s not healthy to keep it on over night.”

You hide your face for a second before looking back at Mikey and nodding. You know he’s right, you know you can’t sleep with it on, that it’s dangerous and unhealthy and could possibly make getting top surgery harder. But the thought of taking it off somehow feels worse right now.

“I have an idea,” Mikey says and offers you his hand, “trust me?”

You nod and take his hand, allowing him to pull you from the bed to stand before him. He smiles and breathes deep, getting you to match him. He instructs you to close your eyes and to trust him and you nod and close your eyes, always trusting Mikey to know what’s best, to keep you safe, to always try his best to make you comfortable. You become his rag doll, letting him remove your hoodie and your binder and you shake, feeling exposed and no longer like opening your eyes is safe, like seeing yourself will only hurt. But Mikey doesn’t let you open your eyes anyway, he instead has you raise your arms and new fabric slides onto your body and then he trades your pants for pajamas and when you open your eyes and look down your almost smile. You can’t see your chest or your hips, he has dressed you in his very oversized hoodie and your big sweatpants making you look shapeless and you breathe deep and look up at him and smile.

“Thank you, Mikey.” You say and he nods, leaning in to kiss you and you respond instantly, kissing him back with a smile.

Mikey wraps his arms around you, safe and secure, before lifting you up, which makes you laugh in surprise, and laying you down on the bed. He lays beside you and brushes his knuckles along your cheek as he tells you that your stubble tickles and you grin, warmth filling your chest. You surge forward and kiss him hard and he grabs your waist, pulling you against him, your kiss turning deep and heated and you feel flushed from head to toe. You feel safe with Mikey, safe and strong and loved, he never makes you doubt yourself or your gender, you’re both men in this relationship no matter what your bad days say.

Mikey moves his lips to your jaw, kissing and niping down your neck before returning to your lips like he just can’t stay away. You press closer to him, chasing the feeling of safety, and moaning softly into his mouth. His fingertips dip below your waist band and he pulls away to meet your eyes, asking permission, if you’re comfortable with this. You nod and smile and he moves in to kiss you again. His hand slides into your boxers and you gasp, pleasure softly wrapping around your body. You feel two fingers slip into you and your back arches, gasp escaping your lips. Mikey’s eyes are dark, looking at you in awe as his fingers curl inside you and you whine and squirm beside him. You grip at him as the feeling builds, your moans making him flush and bite at his lip. He removes his fingers and pushes in three before you can whine his name, you gasp loud and deep and arch into him.

Your body feels tight as Mikey fucks you, hot all over, mind spinning and you can’t keep still. You squirm and he curls his fingers, you moan and he pushes in deeper, you groan and he goes faster, he rubs his thumb along your clit as he continues to fuck you until your eyes roll back and your spine tingles and you can’t do anything but cry out. He fucks you through your orgasm, taking everything you’ve got inside you, you moan loud and then bury your face in his neck. You pant hotly against his skin, his fingers slipping from your body and moving to your cloth covered back and rubbing soothingly.

“I love you, y/n.” Mikey mumbles and you smile tiredly.

“I love you too, Mikey.” He lifts your face and the look he gives you makes your heart swell.

“You’re so handsome,” He tells you like it’s the most honest thing he’s ever said, like not telling you would be a crime. “The fucking hottest guy I’ve ever met.”

You laugh and blush and press your face back into his neck. He laughs with you and holds you tight, keeping you close and safe and loved. And you let sleep take you, knowing Mikey has you, that he always will.

#mcr #mcr imagine #my chemical romance imagine #my chemical romance #mikey way #mikey way imagine #mikey x reader #mikey way x reader #male reader #trans!reader #dysphoria tw #if i should have done something differently or this isn't what you wanted tell me

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deeisace · 7 years

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under a read more thing, bcs it’s long, but never mind you can read it whatever

basically the autism diagnosis lady asked me about my gender and now i’m having a drama about it at 2am, also cancer mention at the end (it probably runs in my family, basically, so i’m scared).

one of the things the autism diagnosis appointment lady said

uhhh

was that. to check. uhm.

i’m still not good at words yet again. hang on.

about me being trans, and to check that i knew what i was about, really, and not to make any decisions ‘‘without all of the information’‘

cs she asked about it, yeah, this was like two hours in to the 3.5/4 hour long thing, asked why i reckoned so

and i’m like

cs i’m not amazing at words about that in the first place really, because gender is generally kinda hard and to describe, y’know

idk, anyway, like, i was tired of talking an all that, and then she has another big difficult question

so i say something probably a bit garbled about not liking my chest and not liking being called girl blah blah blah idk

and she’s then saying how she doesn’t like being called girl either, because that’s really disrespectful and not how they do in holland (where she’s from)

so i’m like, it’s not just not liking being called girl etc, it’s also preferring to be called mate or idk like pronouns and how i don’t like idk my chest an all such, i can’t remember what i said

and then she said the bit about not making decisions without all the information, because you can’t go back on it

like, i mean, yeah,

but then she said like, but that’s not what she’s assessing so she shouldn’t really say

but now, like

got me doubting shit now

it’s all such bollocks

i mean that i’m doubting, i guess

cs. cs.

like.

my experience of my own gender.

uhhh

i mean, i’ve said before how i reckon now that i was really agender as a kid, because even tho if you’d’ve asked 5 yo, or 10 yo, or 15 yo me, i’d’ve said, yeah i’m a girl obviously, duh

i didn’t have any concept that anything other than that could exist for me, y’know? y’know? that’s what folks said, therefore, okay yeah whatever. no thoughts about it i can remember at all.

and since then, i’ve gone through bits of being genderqueer, non-binary, trans guy... and now kinda, ehh???trans masc??demiboy??

but also that i’ve never really had a like. a long continuous period of really disliking my body. like, i’ve never, really, had an entire month or an entire fortnight, of really really hating my chest and wishing it was gone, or wishing that other bits were different or idk what else

i’ve had, like, idk, a day or half a week of really hating my chest, and binding as much as i can, and then it’ll peter off into vague dislike or smth and then i won’t think about it near like that for another month or two or longer

or like, a week or so with my hands in my jeans pockets to make it look like that,

and there’s always always some niggle at having to go to the women’s bathroom (because i don’t pass whatsoever, and i’m not at all confident, and anyway it probably smells less haha)

but. it’s not a big big thing, really really

i don’t mind what pronouns, honestly, so long as it’s not she, but then i’m not at all stringent about correcting people

and binding, for me, really only reminds me of my chest, in pm the same way as wearing a bra would, so i haven’t worn a bra in probably two years plus, and i barely ever bind

so in light of all that, now i’m like, again, for the ten thousandth time probably

being all, am i really trans, can i really say that, do i really want this and that when in my daily life it’s not really more than a big niggle? when it’s so permanent, as it is always said, and when gender, the entire nebulous concept of it, is all such confusing,, idk

but then also, even if i didn’t get top surgery because of gender reasons, i’ll very probably need to, at some point, anyway, because the last three generations directly back from me (my dad, my nana, and my great-nan) have all had some form of cancer

and i know that the breast cancer my nana and great-nan had isn’t supposed to be hereditary, because they did tests about it, somehow, when my nan got cancer the second time

but i also know that that is a pretty strong fuckin link there, and i do fuckin worry about it a ton

because as well, my dad was like 25 when he got his cancer, tho it was caught pretty fast and he’s fine now

and i’ll be 22 in april, and i almost feel like i’m just. waiting for something to go wrong, y’know?

i’m so so scared of that, but so so scared to do transition-y things that i, i don’t really want or that i’m not ready for, or something

ugh

it’s nearly 2am and i’m crying and still fuckin tired from yesterday, i’m gonna go and wash my face and go to sleep, is probably the best course of action here

#gender #cancer mention #ask to tag #i'm fuckin tired to be thinking all this #bah #heck

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liripip · 7 years

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Third time’s the charm, eh? Probably not, I’m now expecting dysphoria to be a recurring theme in my life. I’ll just be prepared to fight it.

TLDR: I want to have kids but I can’t deal with the idea of pregnancy. Swedish healthcare has started acknowledging the existence of non-binary people, so I’m going back to the transcare unit to see if they can help.

Don’t reblog, do message if you have any insights.

The last time I was massively dysphoric I met a great psychiatrist who actually managed to give me some tools that let me be okay in my body and not be that bothered by strangers gendering me as female. Great! Particularly since the option was to transition to male, which a) would involve lots of surgery and stuff and b) probably not actually fit me that much better.

That was maybe four years ago? I have barely been dysphoric at all during those years. I even started buying woman things, and now have sleeves that are the right length for my arms. In purple even, which is my favorite color but i wouldn’t touch it for several years because it was too girly and that set me off.

(An aside? I’ve seen these posts going around about not equating trans identities with dysphoria, and if that’s you, congrats, that sounds awesome. that is not me. i have had a lot of dysphoria and it absolutely fucking sucks.)

And then, uh, years happened? I want to have kids. Not right now, but I should probably aim for the next ten years, ideally five, and whoops, oh hi, body dysphoria, i have not missed you, go the fuck away.

Had I been a smart person, I would have anticipated this and settled down with someone willing to use and in possession of a uterus, being the genetic parent is not very important to me, but you know, love. It goes where it wants. So I want kids, and my partner doesn’t have the hardware to assemble them, so it would fall to me, and… NOPE. Not possible. Huuuge mental block there. Cannot. I feel queasy just talking around the subject like this.

I have a feeling that dealing with this, which i think essentially will mean rebalancing my gender expression to allow me to embark on this hugely femininely coded shitshow that is pregnancy while still feeling like I’m me will take years, probably, even with professional help.

So.

Seeing as Swedish transcare has decided to suck less for nonbinary people (as in, acknowledging their existence, yay, and not demanding people get sterilized whether they want to or not, double yay), I’m going back to get some help. I hope I can get great psychiatrist again, she got me.

And under the new rules where I’m no longer required to embrace this caveman masculinity to qualify as a ‘proper’ transperson, I could actually get (legally, at least, not sure how hard it is) a low dose of T, voice coaching, maybe top surgery if I wanted (i’m thinking really small breasts that i could prop up when i want them but wouldn’t show up under a sweater, maybe), only depending on whether it’d make me happier and not on whether I can convince them that I am the dudeliest dude to ever dude.

Actually being physically androgynous would be such a huge fucking relief, you have no idea. Or some of you may have a very good idea. Whatever.

So anyway, I’m going back in. Husband is nervous because, well, he likes female bodies and is afraid of what I’ll do to mine, and I'm scared that we’ll, I don’t know, lose sexual compatibility. We did once before when I was at my most masculine and his brain started interpreting me as male, which was difficult for both of us but makes for an interesting insight into sexual psychology. Idk. We’ll see what happens.

#personal #gender stuff #dont reblog

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surveys-at-your-service · 8 years

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Survey #47

“and our scars remind us that the past is real.”

which dinosaur is your favorite? spinosaurous! have you ever been fishing? i live in north carolina. guess, lol. have you ever broken the law? if yes, what did you do? yeah, like illegal downloading and drinking underage. what is your favorite candy to receive in your trick-or-treat bag? reese's! would you ever play with a ouija board? no. idk if i believe in ouija boards, but i do enough to not fuck with them. what is your favorite foreign cuisine? italian, i guess. have you ever wondered if deep down you’re evil? i have. considering there's one person whom i'd kill if i didn't have the guilt factor, i've wondered it. i know without a doubt i'd beat the shit out of her if i saw her, and that should say enough about me. ugh. i just lose all self-control when i merely THINK about her. who do you still need closure from? jason how did you find out what sex was? how did you think it worked before? i actually learned in the 5th grade from sex ed. before that, i had no theories, i didn't know it was a thing. when did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? did you speak to them? do you think you’ll see them again? i saw this SUPER cute guy on christianmingle, but i didn't talk to him (you can't talk to people on there 'less you have a subscription, which i don't have yet). who knows if i ever will. what exactly did you eat for your last meal? have you any idea what you’ll be eating your next meal? i had honey nut cheerios. my next meal will be at 12:00, but because we have no bread, i'll probably just like have a cookie. we barely have anything right now. have you ever tasted baby food? how about pet food? no. pet food, i did have a guinea pig treat once lol. if you found out that your ex was having a child with someone else, how would you feel about that? fucking NO find 5 people on your facebook friends list, whose name begins with k. who are these people, and how did you meet them? kelly: met in art class in high school. she is now a mother to a daughter named jasey. katherine: we met via youtube, i think? she just lost her dad. :( katelynn: jacob's ex. very sweet lady. kathleen: high school friend. she moved away after school. kenesa: my hair stylist. if you wear glasses, are they dirty right now? eh, kinda. are you good at wrapping presents? nope. do you put your hair up when you cook? i don't really cook, but i never have in the cases where i have. do you prefer mountain dew or sprite? mountain dew. i don't like sprite. funny how it was my fave soda as a kid. what is your favorite unisex name? hm, not sure. have you ever deleted anyone from your facebook friends list? if so, why? yes, either because we don't talk, i have no interest in keeping up with you anymore, or you've done something to piss me off. time for a random question about the person you love/like. what’s his/her favorite food? probably pizza, but i'm not sure, actually. do you regret any of your past relationships? no. what is your best friend’s middle name? colleen. she goes by her middle name. have you ever liked someone that your friends didn’t like, or considered to be unattractive? if your friends have an opinion on someone you like, or are in a relationship with, do you take that into account? juan didn't like jason because jason once dated rachel, whom juan liked. i'm pretty sure one of my friends called jason weird-looking before, too?? and no, i don't care what my friends think of those i like much, honestly. it's my business, no theirs. do you plan on having children in the future? i think so, yeah. at the same time though, i'm VERY scared of having another life to watch after besides my own. i can barely take care of myself, for heaven's sake. i don't want a child if i can't appropriately take care of them. do you believe that the world will actually end? it's biblical, yes. if you could choose to be any mythical character, which would you choose? dragon!! what is your favorite animal and why? meerkats!! they're the second-most social animal in the world and would give their lives for their families. do you find yourself on youtube a lot? i always have it open. are you satisfied with your gender? yep. do you know any strippers? not to my knowledge. would it intimidate you if your crush was smarter than you? maybe a slight bit, maybe. who’s the biggest whore you know? rachel what do you want to get for your first tattoo? if you already have tattoos, what was your first one? my first tattoo was a butterfly with a semi-colon body. it represents the butterfly and semicolon projects. ever had a feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yep. i "knew" jason was going to break up with me like less than a week before he did. when was the last time you cried? last night. when was the last time you walked more than five miles? how come you did it? holy shit dude, i couldn't tell ya. what was the last flavor of ice-cream you had? french vanilla have you ever gone to any ridiculous extremes to lose (or gain) weight? i haven't, but i'm like five seconds from starving myself to lose weight. have you ever witnessed a birth? only by animals. do you think age matters in relationships? yes. as a general rule, an adult should not be with a minor. i personally draw the line for adults around a 10-year age difference. you should just... be in similar stages of your life, y'know? do you ever actually drink milk alone? yeah, milk is my go-to drink. have you ever been in your kitchen naked? no. the kitchen is at the other end of the house, and i'm very uncomfortable naked. do you like the smell of coconuts? eh... i'm neutral. can you play pool? yeah. we used to have one of those leveled gaming things where you could change the top of the thing to create a different game, ex. air hockey to pool. do you think that christians (and other religions) can believe in evolution? i mean... i guess?? but as a christian, it wouldn't make much sense. do you wear socks to sleep? hell no, that's just uncomfortable. have you ever kissed just a friend? no, and i wouldn't do that, because i wouldn't lead someone on like that?? would you rather own a snake or a rabbit? snake ugh i want one so badly!!!! what does your town's name begin with? n are you a seafood fan? not generally do you like pickles? hell yeah! do you have a class ring? no... i wanted one, tho. we just didn't have the money. do you prefer gold or silver jewelry? gold. i can't wear silver, i'm allergic. have you ever shaved your arms? nope. what about your stomach? i shave the dark hairs were you a nancy drew reader when you were younger? nah. would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? of course i would. sex is just such a minute part of relationships. what's the last piercing you got? hmmm. i think my anti-tragus. have you seen your best friends naked? just about. she is totally not self-conscious about doing whatever in public; i mean consider it. the woman's had surgery on her breast, had a surgery for endometriosis, she's married, her sister like barges in on her when she takes a shower. i WISH i was like that. there was one time she needed me to zipper clothes for her, so we were in the dressing room together. i have so much respect for her. what's the last wedding you've been to? i was the fat bridesmaid for ashley and nick. do you wear colored contacts? i wish. one word to describe the last person you kissed? perfect. are you counting down for anything? my birthday!! does your hair have layers? yeah. ugh they gotta be trimmed. does anyone call you babe or baby? on the VERY rare occasion juan and i talk, he calls me that sometimes. do you have or want your bellybutton pierced? i WANT it pierced, but only after i lose weight. i don't think plus-sized people look good with it pierced, honestly. how skilled are you at photoshop? not at all.  how well can you handle vulgar things (i.e. gore, disturbing images, etc)?  general gore, no problem. that's an aesthetic of mine. disturbing images, like, say, a bone jutting out of someone's arm, fuck that. what part of your body would you like to change? number one thing? i want my stomach to be smaller. has anyone ever tried to ruin your relationship? yeah, rachel. too bad i ruined it myself, bitch. fess up, who was the last person you thought about kissing? ugh. jason. ever sang to the person you liked? no. after three and half years, i was too shy to sing in front of him, except for ONCE at church. are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone? yes. "stairway to heaven," "all or nothing," "easy to love you," and i'm on the verge with "have faith in me." i have a hard time listening to ANY bvb or motionless in white, but i do anyway. do you believe that there's good in everybody? nope. do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? ummm i don't think so. what if you/the last person you were seeing found out you/they were pregnant tomorrow? i'd be impossible because it's been over a year since i've seen him? if you knew you couldn't get caught, would you rob a bank? no. couldn't live with the guilt. if you could discover one medical cure, what would it be for? alzheimer's have you ever dated someone in the military? no, and i honestly don't think i would unless i just so happened to really like him. i could NOT live happily and contentedly knowing my boyfriend/spouse was always on the verge of being killed. what are you listening to? "scars" by papa roach. lol i'm having an emo streak. do you like to go out in the rain? NO. i hate being wet. do you think you'll ACTUALLY live a happy life with somebody? lmao no. this is why i cried last night. how many people have the ability to hurt you emotionally? literally everybody. have you ever kissed someone who smokes? nope, and i never will. do you have any brothers? a half-brother. who did you go to the movies with last? colleen and chelsea (: would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars? no, because i don't fancy prison. have you changed this year? i'm more of a calloused bitch. have you ever been in a real moshpit? nope. i know it's a big part of metal culture, but i don't think i ever will. i just... i'd get so scared being pushed and stuff. taco bell or olive garden? og. no competition. has your best friend ever seen you naked? no. way too shy to let that happen. how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? late 20s have you ever snuggled with someone you weren't dating? no. would you prefer a baby boy or girl? a beautiful little girl named alessandra quinn. are looks in a boy/girl important? you know what, i don't entirely know anymore. so if you read my last survey, you know i joined christian mingle a few days back. well, thinking about it, i didn't really look into people's pages that weren't at least what i call "neutrally attractive," which is like, not really attractive, but not unattractive. maybe i was wrong to say all these years that they don't matter. but then again, if i befriended an unattractive guy irl and developed feelings for him, i wouldn't deny them, so i wouldn't say they're very important. you go home with a hickey, what does your mother say? i'm 20, she can't really say much, but i'm sure she'd be a bit concerned. i'm not in a relationship, so to randomly have a hickey? yeah, she wouldn't like it. do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? mom thinks she does, but sorry to inform her that she doesn't. would you consider painting your bedroom purple? hm. dark purple, i suppose. do your parents approve of the music you listen to? most of it. some of the heavier stuff or things that sing about highly negative things, notably arch enemy and otep, mom doesn't like, but of course lets me listen to it. do you keep in touch with your cousins? no. have you ever had a best friend that moved away? she wasn't really a BEST friend, but she meant a lot to me. do you wish you had an older, protective brother? i guess not. after all, when i imagine said figure, i can't imagine he'd let jason have slept with me. i'd'a pitched a fit. name some things you would never tolerate in a relationship? any kind of abuse. any illicit drug use. smoking. obsessive drinking. i know there's more, but i'm not gonna dwell on this question forever 'til i remember. is it easy for you to accept loss? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH- what's in your underwear drawer? underwear, bras, bathing suit, fingerless gloves kiss with eyes open or closed? who on earth kisses with their eyes open? freaky.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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