#idk I love the super Carlin brothers so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[benwyattformayor]

Okay but how do you convince at LEAST ONE of your friends to watch parks and rec? MY ANNOYING ASS FRIENDS NEVER TAKE MY SUGGESTIONS AND I HAVE GOOD TASTE HELP

AAH IM SO SORRY I DIDNT SEE THIS I HOPE IT WASNT IN MY INBOX FOR LONG!!

But anyways, just sit them down and make them watch it. Show them your favorite episode or the episode you think they’d most like, and just make them watch it. Make sure they know all the characters and get all the jokes, but try not to spoil aNyTHING. That’s all I’ve got, and it’s seemed to work for me so far. I’ve gotten 6 people to watch it this way. One person still claims to hate the show, but 6/7 ain’t too bad, so fingers crossed. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Good luck, friend!

[sauntering-down]

alright, like three people wanted to read this and that’s more than enough for my attention-seeking ass, so here you go: Music Maniacs, written by my brother and i when i was... idk, 9?  10?  it’s absolute hot garbage and i think it has real charm.  enjoy.

(for the record, Lando is my brother’s character, Kelley is mine, and Suzie and Mitzi were our cousins Brienne and Paige, respectively.)

Scene 1: Lando is playing with Star Wars toys, and Mitzi is reading a book. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Suzie: Backstreet Boys are awesome!

Kelley: N’SYNC is cooler.

Lando: Girls, stop arguing!  Both are cool.  Just listen to them one at a time.

Kelley: Okay.  We’ll listen to mine first.

Suzie: Whatever.

Lando: Will you two stop arguing for the last time?

Mitzi: Yeah, cut it out.

Lando: Mitzi, you stay out of this.

(Offstage voice yells “Children, go to bed!) (Kids exit stage right.)

[if you’re short on time, no need to keep reading.  the first scene is basically repeated nine more times with slightly different dialogue.  that’s the entire “““play”””.  i also love how we included actual stage directions, as if we intended to perform this somewhere besides our living room.]

Scene 2: Lando is reading a Star Wars book, and Mitzi is asleep. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage, arguing.

Lando: Are you girls arguing again?

Suzie: I don’t think N’SYNC is cool at all.

Kelley: Well, Backstreet Boys are dumb.

Lando: If you girls are going to argue all day, go do it in your own room!

Suzie: We can’t.  Mitzi is still asleep.

Mitzi: No I’m not!

Lando: Now go in your own room!

Kelley: Forget it!

[Lando’s pretty bossy, but when you consider he constantly has to listen to his brainless sisters argue which late-90s boy band is better, it’s kind of understandable.]

Scene 3: Lando is playing chess, and Mitzi is reading ABC. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Lando: I hope those two aren’t arguing again.

Mitzi: Yeah.

Suzie: Aqua is stupid.

Kelley: Well, Backstreet Boys stink and so do you.

Lando: You girls just don’t know when to quit.  And Kelley, watch your mouth!

Kelley: Well, she does.

Suzie: Well, you’re just a little weirdo with delusions of glory!

Lando: Oh, man.

[i’m not sure why we thought ‘you stink’ was so offensive, considering my brother and i listened to a George Carlin tape as wee innocent kiddos.  and that ‘weirdo with delusions of glory’ line was definitely my brother’s work; i didn’t even know what it meant.]

Scene 4: Lando is having a drink, and Mitzi is reading is playing with stuffed animals. Suzie and Kelley enter.

Mitzi: Why do they always argue?

Lando: They can’t agree whether N’SYNC, Aqua, or Backstreet Boys is the coolest music group of them all.

Kelley: I hate Backstreet Boys.  Aqua is cool.

Suzie: Aqua is stupid.  So is N’SYNC.  And so are you.

Lando: You too, Suzie, need to learn to watch your mouth.

Mitzi: I think N’SYNC is the coolest.

Lando: Mitzi, I thought I told you to stay out of this.

Suzie & Kelley: Yeah!

Kelley: I like Shania Twain.

Suzie: Shania Twain is okay.

Kelley: But Backstreet Boys are still dumb.

Lando: Watch your mouth!

Suzie, Kelley & Mitzi: We don’t have to listen to you!

Lando: Oh yeah!?

[i WISH i could describe the ridiculous wannabe-tough-guy tone of voice my brother used for that last line.  it was hilarious.  for the record, i don’t know if Mitzi’s supposed to be reading or playing with stuffed animals... the original copy of the play is long gone, so we reproduced it from memory about ten years ago.]

Scene 5: Lando is playing with his SSD.  Kelley is at her computer writing a letter, and Mitzi is dancing to music. Suzie enters from left stage.

Lando: Well, well, well!  If it isn’t the Music Maniacs!

Suzie: Uh-oh.  It’s Kelley.

Kelley: Don’t bother me.  I’m writing a celebrity letter.

Suzie: To who?  The Squirtle Squad?

Kelley: No, to N’SYNC.

Suzie: N’SYNC is stupid.

Lando: Do I have to listen to this again?

(Offstage voice yells “Go to bed now!”)

[hey, a title drop!  wild.  SSD is short for Super Star Destroyer - one of my brother’s toys.  i have no idea how we were going to have an offstage voice yelling at us to go to bed all the time... tape recorder, maybe.]

Scene 6: There are 3 blankets and 3 pillows on the floor. All lights go out.

Kelley (holding a flashlight.) I hate Backstreet Boys.

Suzie: Shut up.

Lando: You watch your mouth!  And don’t forget you two, you have a meeting to go to tomorrow.

Suzie: What meeting?

Lando: Remember that science club meeting?  It got postponed because the leader wasn’t feeling well.  So it’s going to be tomorrow.

Kelley: Oh yeah.  I forgot all about that.

Suzie: We didn’t get a notice about it, so how do you know?

Lando: I got a phone call about it last week telling me it was canceled and that it was going to be next week.

Mitzi: Be quiet and go to sleep!

[three blankets, three pillows, four kids.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]

Scene 7: Lando is playing with his SSD, and Mitzi is still asleep. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Lando: Good shot Green 3!  Watch out-

Suzie: I hate Aqua!

Kelley: No you don’t.  You’re just saying that because you’re jealous of me.

Lando: Are you two ever going to quit arguing?

Suzie: No I’m not!  As a matter of fact, you’re jealous of me.

Kelley: Just admit it!  You are.

Suzie: No I’m not.

Kelley: Yes.  You.  Are!

Lando: Be quiet already!

Mitzi: Good morning everyone.

Suzie: Are you nuts?  It’s 10:00 in the morning!

Kelley: Mitzi, you should have been up two hours ago.

Lando: Well, nice of you to join the rest of the world!

[this entire thing is just amusingly juvenile.  i wish i could say the ‘revised version’ (which is mostly the same with a couple extra scenes tacked on at the end and a REALLY bizarre plot twist) is better, but... no.]

Scene 8: Lando and Kelley are at school, and Mitzi is taking a nap. Suzie is writing a letter to her aunt.

Dear Aunt Effie,

Hi!  It’s Suzie.  I just wanted to know if I could stay over for a week or so.  My bossy brother Lando is bossing us around again.  Kelley and I have been arguing again.  And Mitzi is butting in to all our conversations.  (Correction: Arguments.) And I would like to get away from my family, so could I stay with you for awhile?

Love,

Suzie Arrow

A few hours later, Suzie got her response.

Dear Suzie.

I’m really sorry, but I can’t let you stay here at the inn.  There are no rooms available and there are no hotels near here.  The nearest one is 85 miles away!  So you can’t stay.  Again, I’m really sorry.

Love ya,

Aunt Effie

[i don’t know how we were going to ‘perform’ this scene.  i don’t know why Suzie doesn’t go to school, either.  at least Mitzi, being played by my younger cousin, would’ve probably been only four or five at the time.]

Scene 9: Lando is reading a Star Wars book, and Mitzi is playing with stuffed animals. Suzi is at a friend’s house, and Kelley enters from left stage.

Lando: Finally!  Some peace and quiet.

Kelley: Same to you, buster.

Suzie: I’m home!

Kelley: Are you a weirdo or something?

Suzie: No, you’re the weirdo around here!

Lando: Why don’t you two just make up and get it over with?

Suzie & Kelley: No way hosay!

Lando: Shut up you weird costume ladies!

Kelley: Are you calling us weird costume ladies?

(Offstage voice yells “Children, go to bed!)

[“hosay”.  and “costume ladies”, another one of my brother’s inexplicable insults.  in hindsight, he might’ve been calling us hookers, but i’m pretty sure he was just repeating something he’d heard and had no idea what it meant.]

Scene 10: There are 3 blankets and 3 pillows on the floor. All lights go out.

Lando: Are you two going to make up?

Kelley: Yeah, I guess so.

Suzie: All right.  Sorry Kelley.

Kelley: Sorry.

Lando: Do you promise never to do this again?

Suzie & Kelley: No!

(Laughter occurs.)

Kelley: No we’re kidding.  We promise.

Lando: Now let’s celebrate with ice cream sandwiches!

Suzie & Kelley: What!?

Lando: What?

Suzie punches Lando in the face.

[gosh, THAT was anticlimactic.  everyone’s acting like they had this huge fallout and... all they did was childishly (and repetitively) insult one another’s choice in pop music??  what a thrill.]