#idk I know I’m just complaining but I honestly had kind of a mini breakdown moment a while ago

[werebutch]

Why does my sister crush all hope of having a good time with her when we’re out. Like she does it on purpose. And I keep believing that the next time will be better 😭

[facelessdreamer]

I hate that there’s

not enough time in the world to do everything.

Theres not enough hours in a whole day to do all things I want to do man. It’s sucks extremely. Everything’s just lined up and I wanna do all them things I can and want to do but I can’t because of me ultimately minus the other factors in life. It’s me. Now I have a job. Finally. But it’s taking up all my time even on my scattered couple days off I relax because it’s literally needed and it goes by so quick like my do nothing days. I don’t know how to go about it. How shall I do things? And what the fuck on Earth are these feelings man. Gotta find a way to pause them but it’s fucking relentless and the off buttons mia. There’s vibes at work, people everywhere, mindless heavy work and sad little me walking about making mistakes and fixing them and putting in work and talking to people without wanting to really and i just can’t tell if I’m putting up a front or not. I don’t know if that’s the jolly me I brag about and that I know myself as or if I just do it because I don’t know how else to behave but nicely and highly energetic and enthusiastically. Just honestly what the fuck do I do with all this life? Shit its 7 minutes past midnight. And it’s clicked. Happy fucking birthday to my ass. God I can’t say in words how this day coming around makes and has made me feel for months. The big ass bitchin 20. Idk why I’m complaining like it’s a fat three zero bc to most people my life’s just started. To me it literally really and truly is dooming and I hate the whole idea of it. When I was 17 I wanted it to last longer. When I was 18 I wanted it to be permanent. When I was 19 just moments ago I wanted to settle for it. I didn’t want to be an age I was no longer a teen. When you’re not that people expect you to act your age and it’s a serious thing then. It’s still expected at teen years but not as surprising bc your still in your adolescent years doing dumb and reckless shit. And yes I spent 19 doing just that. For multiple reasons going as me being a natural fuck up to just not caring with what ever I do to actually wanting to also do dumb shit. 18 was a good age to stay permanent because I was legally an adult and could accounting the law roam with a piece of ID and qualify myself as my own person. 17 was just a golden age to be. That was the mid point of comfort. Dumb and smart and old enough and young at the very same time. Immersing into adulthood yet equivalently latched to the past 16 years of innocent youth. As you get older youth stays but increases with some venemous symptoms. It is no longer sunsets and rainbows full of more laughter and ignorant bliss. It gets darker, wilder, mature, things like welcome to the real world, make do and diy. You start to get your hands dirty and make real messes out of things and be the people who are parents taught us not to be. We become the inevitable damage content of this world like every other adult who was also once young and carefree. We’re all so innocent then boom as we get older we become dangerous. Every age shapes us and makes us a version of ourselves we were once different to not long before. Mad that. We also become smarter each passing year so what makes us a danger is exactly that. We know what to do, how to go about things, we are sane and have sense and real firm control of our words and manoeuvres and with that we purposely cause problems even through subliminal moves. That is being older. Being an adult. It’s where “act your age” kicks at you. Bc you’re no longer futile and brainless. You’ve now officially become something artificial like anyone else is. Nothing new, nothing special. Just older.

I’ve said this before but I’m gonna say it again.. I tend to usually drift of topic and continue into a subject of something relative but not the point I should be sticking to. I always do this and I get more ongoing content out instead of what else I might have wanted to say regarding my original point. I jump from one thing to another and I can’t help it but at least I say things that are real right? Whatever comes to mind it just spills on here despite the point. That can be talked about if I remember it again or not

(00:20)

Rn I’m tired mixed with shitty feelings and watching some Justin timberlake movie on tele. (This is me coming back to say it wasn’t that great and dad pestered me to go up to bed so I never saw the end, wasn’t worth it then) God it’s always been forever when I come back to watch tv. It’s like I got to make time for it even though I don’t really. But when I want to it’s usually at night at a time like this and I hope anything is on from a good block buster movie down to anything like gogglebox even. Just want some of that tv nature to bring me back to something normal (I think I meant to say that as the reason idky it just got typed). I love tv or so I did. I barely spend time with the sofa and the big screen in front of me since I got lazy and sad over a year ago. Funny how among all the hundreds of interlinked factors does it shape a new lifestyle. Every facet of life and me and exisitance plays a harmless yet powerful game. It’s mad how I used to be not a year ago and how I am months down a line compared to the old me. It feels like years and years in between but it’s not. This is me. Everyday it’s a new me. Everyday I change exponentially with my moods and infiltration of hella sadness. I can’t get away from it. I’m immersed into this new me whose no longer definitive to the new term anymore. It’s quite old now but always the latest version seeing as I haven’t changed the persona of me since it came forward and consumed me. Let’s talk about consumption? Kay lets. Like I always say I know myself. Knowing yourself doesn’t mean shit to nothing else alive but to you. You’re a different you in every other mind of every pair of eyes that’s seen you. Even if it was a stranger walking by. They saw you. Mindlessly they saw you in mere sight and that’s it. Quick glance and take in of appearance or sometimes a little more with a minor thought upon you. You’re seen nevertheless as versions you will never know yourself and never of the version you really are. You don’t even know the real version of you. You only know most of you bc you know your interest and hobbies and things like that. Other people say won’t know all of that but only some and the way they see you because they’re literally outside of your body and seeing you through their eyes and not from your own mind. So yeah me knowing me I can’t say why I’ve allowed myself to get like this and be so caught up in feelings that are unpleasant and disturbing. My reasons would simply be things like bc I wanted to bc I didn’t care to close any doors I was meant to close in my head. Bc I wanted to be sad really. Bc I’m also alone but that’s minor bc I only figured that out recently. Other pointless reasons may occur too like not taking care when I really was being pushed to help myself but I don’t take growing hands. I have a problem with saying yes to things that’ll harmlessly benefit me. I just say no politely like don’t trouble yourself for me. Like I don’t want that. Who am I? I mean I know who I am and my worth. It’s fucking up there bro. But people don’t see me and shouldn’t see me as worthy of taking help. Like I can’t put it in words so I’ll give up on that. But my pint is I can’t justify in explaining as to why I say no to any simple help. A guy offer me a bag to carry two heavy bottles of coke? Na it’s alright really fast and I zoom out and away like what was the reason for a mini nervous breakdown and say no for? Am I okay? It’s really like I cba you should never have opened your mouth bc really and truly it would be a great help if these bottles can be bagged and carried instead of it cradled in my arms but I cba for the excerion. That’s it! Mental and physical effort. Like without even thinking this. It’s just a feeling and I literally can’t deal with that. So I automatically say no. I’ve gone off topic agains nd forgot my point smh

Next thing I wanna put out here is that my music hasn’t been very obliging past three nights. Two nights I dunno I didn’t even put in and sleep bc I really wasn’t for it them couple nights and I felt like it was causing my head to feel some way. So I left it and slept freely when the moment came. The third night and a night after also too which was last night I plugged in my earphones at some point bc I could not not do it, it being such a habit. It still wasn’t gratifying as it usually is. The music was fine and great with what played. I was entertained nonetheless but my body and head was more worked out and tired than the past three months and I’d been drinking and smoking so I feel that also defo had some affect and influence on whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t good I tell you that. Aaaaaand I keep waking up incessantly every morning for time now. I can’t even remember when there was a time I woke up feeling good. These days and last year I’ve been waking up not pleasantly. It’s always something man. Literally. I have no soul to exaggerate any of what goes on with me on here. Here lies the truth. My blog. My sweet pretty blog. So yeah I wake up and it’s an ache in my head, remnant music echoes which are fine but make me wonder am I causing something in me? Things like bad dreams and I have like 50 in one night and the bad ones make me unhappy as I wake. There also this weird weird feeling I get just as I’m waking and it’s one I really can’t explain. It’s so bad like I’m half way conscious and half way not at all awake. I’m literally both and I get this feeling, it’s heavy and I wouldn’t say painful but it causes some kind of light hurt? Idk but I feel it immensely and it does come to my attention in the moment and I am not okay as to why this happens many mornings of when I wake. Like after it is over not that I pay attention but it does go away and I am either gone back to sleep or have woken up somehow now I just am not happy bc of the wake. Like your/my wake literally matters. I don’t like these numerous sensations I feel in my moment of waking. I want to be woken with ease and calmness and slowness like just how a breeze comes pleasantly on a hot summers day. I wanna be woken softly and beautifully like that.

Okay I’m not done talking but I’m tired so gonna tap out now (02:59)