#idk I just feel happy I’m finally surrounding myself with people that make me feel comfy and love me for me! cause it hasn’t always been so

[wurm-food]

weeehhhh I love my friends 🥺🥺🥺

[kidflashimpulse]

It's me again from the overexcited ramble from earlier BUT I'M NOT DONE

Bart knowing about Gar before others feels so real because he's spent his childhood surrounded by people who felt like Gar does right now, and maybe Gar (not to mention Bart himself) felt like that in the future as well. I wonder how well Bart knew BB in his own time, if he ever really knew him at all, and if it has impact on their current friendship

Oh to see the effects of Bart's childhood on his behaviour in the present, you've sprinkled bits and pieces, and I'm taking it all in like a starving man

And the Thawne DNA confirmed!! GOD it was so good, the love he has for his mom and the despise he has for his grandfather (not Barry obviously) is perfection, I hope Thad got what he deserved when Bart got out

And FINALLY the recognition he deserves with his intelligence, like you said: he knows his stuff. So happy to finally read a fic which shows that Bart is GOOD at what he does, he built a time machine for heaven's sake!

BUT ALSO TYE WAS SUCH A LEGEND LMFAO I love the friendship (or more like feigned frenemyship?) he has with Bart, their dynamic in your fic is hilarious

Okay that was all, thank you for reading this rollercoaster

Your work is absolutely incredible and I can't wait to see where the story/stories are going from here

love the energy 😍 sdfghjkl

yeah i like to think that as soon as gar came back from Mars bart took one look at gar and was like damn he’s going to be going through it

i just imagine mental illness would be extremely prevalent in bart’s original era, i think it’s by-product of a post-apocalyptic society that makes too much sense. And with no system in place to treat it as normal, well bart must have seen some pretty intense stuff

honestly i really don’t know (or have an idea lol) of how well bart new gar in his TL, in my opinion he didn’t know him personally at all. I’m usually in the camp that most of the team had died in one way or another in bart’s time. The ones that i usually do think he knew or knew of “in person” some what at the very least are Barbara Gordon, Wally West (this is a maybe), Lian and maybe that’s about it. It varies with either more members or less, hoe stay i’m unsure, but these r the ones that i typically think of. With how coy bart was when he first came to the past and spoke to gar, honestly anything is possible though lol

i just usually don’t think that the original members were as involved i. his childhoos as some fics make them out to be, one of the biggest reason is because i think the ones who were alive, dispersed to different locations to take part in rebelling etc so it would make it hard for him to know many personally, he might have heard of and gotten details, but beside that it’s really up in the air. The only HC i sometimes think of /include is Barbara Gordon being the one to teach him how to read/write etc education stuff when he was really young and the tornado twins were still alive (so before he was 5), but other than that, idk

“Thawne DNA confirmed” sdfghjkl LOVE THIS, yeah u heard it here first folks, it’s confirmed 😁 jk lol yeah it makes me super happy to include it in AAIT i feel like it really fleshes out his backstory on time related things and i just love all things related to him and his mom and his thawne side, it’s just very satisfying to think about so being able to explore that and HCs in my fic, very fun. I have such a specific vision for Thads involvement in Barts and (ofc as a result) Melonis lives and there will be a little more on that in future chapters, so stay tuned 🤩

PREACH omg the only thing that’s left for us is to see the day his wiki page is updated on it !! capability and intelligence to me is such a key bart feature idk if this make any sense but it just is lol i’d update the wiki myself if i could try to understand the editing process i just don’t have the energy to go thru reading all the rules or figuring it out to do it rn

tye + bart friendship is everything to me i just feel like they’d be rlly entertaining together just so much potential lol

thank u so much for sharing ur thoughts and kind words with me i appreciate it so much <33 and again thank u for reading AAIT, i really appreciate it 🧡

[seattlesellie]

this is super random (also this is my first msg to u hi <3) and i’m honestly asking this generally to anyone else who also happens to read this, but recently i’ve realized my sexual orientation and come to the conclusion that i’m like REALLY attracted to women (as a woman myself ofc). so obv this made me also think abt how someday i’m gonna have to tell ppl close to me abt this but i’m literally losing my mind cause i’m NAWT vulnerable especially w/ my parents 😭 and also i just now was watching a tiktok live that was full of homophobic ppl and whenever i see that on the internet, it makes me wanna go deeper in the shell (or closet lmao) that i already am in. like it makes me realize how many horrible ppl there are that won’t accept smth so simple (i’m also very emotional as u can see 😍) so like tbh i’m not sure what i’m seeking here but ig i’m just curious if u or anyone else has felt like this/what helped u come out? like it’s so hard for me to be open and as someone who recently graduated and is going to uni, in a completely diff country alone, i’m gonna have more freedom and if i were to date another girl, it’d feel unfair to my parents if i didnt say anything prior abt my identity. ik they’re also very supportive, which i’m thankful for, but i just HATEEE vulnerability. idk man :( it’s also very weird finally realizing more abt myself. it makes me SO happy yet so so so scared? aarrghh idk sorry abt this long message, u seem like the nicest person and this place feels safe, so i just felt like i could ask/find some kind of relatability. 💗 sorry again for this long ass rant LOLS 🌟

okokok im gonna tell u my coming out story because i can awfully relate to this ?? n adding a read more cos this is so long sorry <333 🤧

literally knew i liked girls my entire life and like suppressed the shit out of it. would try and date guys all throughout highschool and would feel so terrible afterwards… but like you, i was super uncomfortable with that type of vulnerability and also barely had any gay friends, let alone any gay female friends. so i spent my life just thinking im gonna be in the closet forever !! until i met my now ex gf, she would constantly be sleeping over— but i did the classic thing of telling my parents she was just my new best friend, until one day my dad was like… be so fr rn are you two dating. like you said, my parents are also very liberal and supportive (especially my dad), but still— it made me panic and drop a mug and deny deny deny !! then, after being together for like 6 months it was incredibly hard to hide it, and obvs she felt super uncomfortable bc i was super closeted and she was super out. so i kind of had to come out to my parents (i hid under a blanket and told them i have an important thing to say n then they already somehow knew). my parents and i literally never talked about these things like my mom didn’t even know about my first kiss or literally NOTHING about me, we didn’t have that type or relationship at all so i can relate to u so hard !!but like here’s the thing— i don’t think it would be unfair to your parents, this is your story to tell and you should do it when you feel comfortable enough, and if it takes you dating a girl for that then so be it. you shouldn’t worry about other peoples feelings about this, as this is yours to tell and not theirs! as long as you’re in a safe environment, coming out can truly be such a big fucking relief !! like that absolute weight that drops out of your chest is so so freeing. if the people who are close to you love you— they will accept you. if they won’t? truthfully, they don’t deserve u and never have. about the homophobia, its always going to be here, unfortunately for us hateful and bigoted people will always exist, and that can be extremely stressful and painful, which is why surrounding yourself with people from your own community is so so important and necessary. uni is such a good place to do that !! so many new people to meet and especially queer people to surround yourself with !! i super understand your fears but the good things that happen after you come out— that feeling of no longer needing to hide yourself is so so worth it 💗💗💗💗

[brandogenius]

I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THIS AU IS ALL I THINK ABT

munagenius being protective of littlest munagenius makes my soul cry istg just like pushing reader behind one of them in a crowd or if paparazzi is getting to close like they don’t play or ready to back them up at all times even if reader isn’t around, don’t even let some guy fo approach them

also the katie x ya big sibling/little sibling moment means everything to me as the oldest who didn’t have have that😭

ANYWAYs was crying over the math thing like ya didn’t even ask for help but they’ve got all of muna/boygenius/munagenius surrounding them like “i’ve got it guys🙄” their like “THE ANSWER IS 18!!” and ya is like “ik i knew before y’all tried to help i’ve been trying tell yall” “why did you let us go on that long ???” “i wanted to see how long it would take y’all to finally figure out second grade math”

ya meeting up with a younger celeb and their talking in genz terms and munagenius is LOST

just talking to them about you’re highschool experience and they are so into it like “what do mean you were drunk at house party your like 4 yrs old 🤨” “y’all didn’t go too parties????” or like old partners like they’ve got personal beef with some kids now bc what do mean they use to bully you

“i graduate this month” “from college?” “no highschool” “…dear god i’m old”

them reaching you things like naomi helping you learn the keys, katie teaching you how to do your makeup, lucy taking you to museums or helping you read poetry, julien helping you learn coping mechanisms/guitar/painting, phoebe helping you set up your in-ears (I LOVE THIS IDEA), jo helping you learn bass(i’m not a musical person idk really what they play

Also all their partners also being readers friends and getting attached so ya has a literal ARMY

munagenius finding readers yearbook= FEILD DAY

i have to stop or i’ll never quit😭

I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS REALLY

LITTLEST MUNAGENIUS AHAJDJD THATS READERS NAME NOW “guys!! look it’s munagenius and little munagenius in the same room!!”

as an only child (sad ik) these sibling dynamics makes me so happy im like SOBS just insert myself into here and have munagenius teaching ME how to do makeup yes pls

ya can be a bit of a prankster. they like being in the company of munagenius (say they are an only child too so having jo and naomi helping them with their homework is unusual for them but they like it) just the feeling of having their little tour family all around the table working together and including ya makes them wanna cry in a positive way like “damn- i have people who actually care enough to help with my hw and studies )

imagine busting out the yearbook but to show muna now the boys being like “WE SEEN IT FIRST HA”

they have beef with your maths and history teacher. don’t ask why they just do “RICKY WHEN I SEE YOU RICKEU WHEN I SEE YOU SWINGING ARMS”

i love the trope of phoebe helping with readers in ears so much like it’s their first time and phoebes like helping them and it’s just scary at first but she helps ya with the wires etc!’

OH ABSOLUTELY!! meeting their partners (muna & the boys) and they just come in contact with you for 5 minutes and then they are like “i would fight anyone for you kid”

ya is just adopting all the adults left and right at this point

NAH LISTEN THIS IS MY URGE TO CONTINUE I LIVE FOR THESE

[golbrocklovely]

I’m gonna say that it scares me how bullying other people has been normalized on the Internet to the point that people with morals and brains who do not really even like the person that is being harrased are made fun of for simply trying to stop the hate.

I am not even here talking about the whole sam and katelyn situation. I am talking in general. I’ve noticed that in many fandoms harrasing people online that we do not like, making fun of them in every possible way has been so normalized that a person who praises them will appear as a “silly” for a bigger audience of fans. Like what? Like f.e this has been a thing rn in yr fandom (idk if you watched the show). People have been targeting E and hating on him for having a gf (literally… same thing as snc lol) and making fun of people who are being just supportive and lovely.

I, like everyone else also have people i dislike. But what the heck is the point of bringing it to the Internet and basically sending those people hate? And that applies to everyfuckinhone. Sam, Colby, Edwin, idk Katelyn, Malia, Katrina etc etc. If you do not like someone… just shut up and rant to your bestie about it on private. Why bring it into public space when everyone can see it ? INCLUDING the person you are making fun of /hating on. There has been sooo many cases of people trying to commit s*icide or committing it only due to online hate they received and i wonder how many more of it will take for people to finally reflect that what you put on the Internet and how you treat others can have very big influence on how they are feeling and things can turn really really bad turn. Or are we are just gonna stay as immature wannabe “cool and savage” mfs, who are just mean and sad and one by one gonna all k*ll eo either is literally or metaphorically (like kill eo happiness and personalities)

i agree with you so much, anon.

it's so odd to me how easy it is for certain ppl to hate someone they truly don't know.

and look, i won't pretend to be a saint. plenty of ppl know who i don't like bc i've talked about it. however, i have never in all my years of being on the internet (both in this fandom and not) have went to someone's page and hated on them directly or dmed them. i don't wish harm on those i don't like or disagree with. but so many ppl do and it's truly upsetting.

do i complain on here about ppl that aren't on here? yes. but i'm not gonna go to a site they are on and @ them and say "hey here's why i don't like you" bc that type of behavior to me is hella weird.

truly i think more ppl would benefit from just buying a journal and writing shit out there. bc too many ppl feel embolden to be as rude as possible, as if there isn't someone else on the other side of the screen.

bullying online never makes sense to me bc… what exactly do you want the end result to be? for them to hurt themselves? deactivate? never come back online? i just don't understand what thought process you have to think that harassing someone is gonna make them bend to your will, whatever that might be.

and no, i don't watch the show you're referring to, but i can believe that 100%. that happens so often to any male figures in literally every form of media. it's so odd. hell, i know i used to act that way when i was younger and in the jonas brothers fandom. but even back then i didn't @ miley cyrus and say she didn't deserve nick jonas lol

this is the first time in a long time i've ever actually considered leaving the fandom. not only has this harassment of katelyn really been eye opening to me, but also just the way sam went about all of this too. it all has left a sour taste in my mouth. but i'm trying to just remember that surrounding myself with nice ppl in the fandom (or those that are reasonable enough to not harass another person) is the better option than just up and leaving. bc i do love snc, even if rn i'm disappointed by them.

i just wish ppl would be nicer. maybe it's bc of my depression or past issues with bullying, but it's so disheartening to see all of this play out the way it has. and while i know i haven't always been kind, i at least try to be. but i feel like so many don't even do that. and that's a real shame.

[dear-wormwoods]

For the past few years I’ve been making posts on New Year’s Eve about my life, so… gotta keep the tradition alive I guess!

Some things I accomplished this year:

Another year of maintaining my Duolingo streak. I’m still not confident in speaking Spanish but I feel like I’m making progress understanding it.

Paid off all of my credit card debt. I’m very proud of this one because I’ve been in debt since I turned 18 and got my first credit card, and I thought it was just a fact of life, but it didn’t have to be!

Saved up $10k for… idk, part of a down payment, day care costs for whenever I finally decide to have a kid, whatever! The world is my oyster.

Developed a healthier relationship with food. My weight loss goals ultimately didn’t pan out, I only lost 20lbs and gained some of that back over the holiday months, but I feel good about my mental progress.

Started exercising more. I joined the local Y and attended a variety of classes that I really enjoy going to, and I walked outside a lot when the weather was nice. I even hiked a couple of times! Which was a big deal for me considering how out of shape I was and how little confidence I had in myself.

Highlights of the year:

Going to Colorado!!! Absolutely my favorite thing about 2022 was the South Park 25th Anniversary Concert and the whole trip surrounding that, from visiting Fairplay, to eating fancy food at Wolf’s Tailor in Denver, to hiking up to Hanging Lake. Even standing in the merch line in the blazing hot sun for hours at Red Rocks had its moments. I definitely want to go back after Casa Bonita reopens in May.

Reconnecting with a friend who ended up becoming one of the people I spent the most time with in the back half of 2022. Going walking together and doing Y classes, having House of the Dragon watch parties, dinners and drinks… it’s just been really great having her around this year!

Hiking a full mountain to see the foliage. It was a small mountain in the grand scheme of things, but I still felt accomplished!

Just generally going out and doing things more, socializing and being active and not worrying so much about money. It put a dent into how much I’ve been able to save but you know what?? Worth it.

In general this year was a good one. I’m still miserable working at my waitressing job, but it’s necessary to be able to save money. Work in my career is going well, though - I feel like I connect with the kids even though I’m constantly worrying I’m not doing enough there. My mental health has been pretty stable, some hiccups here and there but nothing drastic. And my cats are doing great, thankfully! I even went on a date to end the year and I’m seeing her again tomorrow!

Goals for 2023:

Another year of Duolingo.

Save another $10k.

Get in better shape before summer so I can do more difficult hikes.

Lose weight… I should stop putting this as a goal but it’s tradition at this point.

Read more books!!

Practice drawing more often.

And on that note…

Happy New Year!

I truly hope that 2023 is good to all of you!

[igot7bbs]

My Happy Ending?? P.3

Word Count: 1788

Marks POV

Jackson and I decided to meet up the next day. What was I going to say? "Hey I'll pay you to date my best friend" What? It sounded like a great idea I my head but once out of my mouth it sounded horrible. Am I feeling guilty for not being there when she needed me? All I'm doing is looking out for her. This won't hurt either of them, right? Jackson walked into the studio with his hood wrapped tightly around his head. Here we go...

Jackson: So why the sudden question? And why so early in the morning you know I'm not a morning person?

Mark: It's a long story. Are you up for it or not?" I had a smirk on my face because I didn't think he'd agree.

Jackson: I am, but wants in it for me?" He was hung over and just wanted to get this over with.

Mark: I thought you'd do it for free.

Jackson: So you expect me to pay for all the dates?? 500$ per date.

Mark: 350?

Jackson: It's all fun and games right? It's not like we'll fall for each other. Make it $500?

Mark: Fine.

We shook hands and just started laughing. There was no way this would go smoothly.

Jackson: Any rules?

Mark: Hmmm idk? Give me some ideas.

Jackson: 1. I can still see other people.

                   2. I get payment before the date.

                   3. Physical touch is fine

Mark: How about, nothing more than a peck, you can both see other people, and you get payment after. She's here for 3 months so there will be a minimum of 15 dates.

Jackson: $7500 sounds good to me. Is she in on it?

Mark: Of course not! Don't let her find out or you'll have to pay double. Deal?

Jackson: Sounds perfect, as long as you give me the back story. But why not make this a little more interesting? If I fall for her I give you double and if I don't you give me double.

I was basically gambling my best friend. I mean she was amazing inside and out who wouldn't fall for her? Then again Jackson is constantly surrounded my woman he could easily fall for but doesn't. He knows exactly how to play it cool and how to play with a woman's heart. While thinking it through, this would probably cause Y/N another painful heart break. Buuuut I can't let Jackson win this time around soooo she'll understand right?....

Mark: Fine, I don't see why not..

Y/N POV

I woke up the next morning and he was gone. Ugh I had a huge headache from all the crying. The first thing I did was look for my phone. I had a message from an unknown number?...

##########: SmileDirectClub: You're free whitening kit and electric tooth brush offer expires soon....

So exciting.. Thanks for the good morning text SmileDirectClub. For some reason I was waiting for something a little more exciting. I don't know like maybe a text from one of the guys? I always get my hopes up too soon. Leaving my phone on the coffee table I got up and decided to get dressed. Mark and I had agreed to meet up for lunch. It was just past 10am so I rushed into the restroom to freshen up.

While in the shower I kept thinking about what Mark mentioned last night. He wasn't wrong, like always. It was as if I was letting Christian control my happiness. Sure he ruined our relationship but he was probably enjoying his life not giving a damn about me. So why should I ruin my life over the past?! I got out of the shower feeling more confident than ever. Yes!! I'm an independent woman!! I was not about to spend this time in Seoul crying over what could've been. While hyping myself up in the restroom there was a knock on the door. Shoot, I covered up with a towel and rushed to the door thinking it was Mark, but I was wrong.

Jackson: Can I come in?

I was so confused, frozen in place, starstruck to be exact. He nodded to see if he would get a reaction from me.

Y/N: Oh, yeah sure.

I waved for him to come in, completely oblivious to the fact that I was only wearing a towel. His eyes examined me from head to toe. I didn't even care, I was so distracted by his gorgina face! Ugh I will never get over that smile. Finally realizing what was happening I quickly ran to the bedroom to get dressed.

Y/N: Take a seat I'll be out in a minute!

Jackson: Take your time.

What was he doing here??? I was about to call Mark when I remembered I left my phone on the coffee table! AHHHH! I ran out of the room without thinking, grabbed my phone, and ran back. I could hear him giggling. Jeez, even his giggling was gorgina! Yes, I was still wearing the towel..

Mark: Hello?

Y/N: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS COMING OVER!!" I was whisper yelling of course. There was no way I was letting Jackson hear me!

Mark: I'm sorry! He asked if he could see you all of a sudden. I wasn't going to deny him.

Y/N: What? What am I supposed to say? What do I wear? Wait, did he say he liked me??? I'M PANICKING HERE!!!

Mark: Chill out he probably just wants to get to know you. Loosen up and you'll be fine. I'm here if you need me.

Y/N: Ok but what do I...

And with that, Mark hung up. That little rat did this on purpose!

Ok can I just say I was looking mighty fine. Yeah I might've taken almost an hour to get ready but anyway. I walked out and..

Jacksons POV

Jackson: So he cheated on her?

Mark: Correct..

Jackson: And where were you when all this went down?

Mark: here...

He looked ashamed, there was no point in putting him on blast for something he didn't really have control over. We were here because this was him trying to make up for his absence in the situation so why not help out? Although I wanted to be upset at this whole cheating story, I barley even knew Y/N. There's never a good reason to cheat but was there maybe something wrong on the inside? She was absolutely beautiful on the outside but maybe there was something on the inside that wasn't? I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but I was a little skeptical. Maybe this little mission would help me heal as well....

Time Skip

She finally came out of her room. Man, she looked beautiful. I'll have to play things low, maybe not even show interest? Or maybe be over flirtatious? My strategy for this mission was not decided on yet. I won't over think and just see where things go. I have a date with Em later anyway so things should get wrapped up fairly quickly. An acting gig, yeah, that's what this will be.

Authors POV

Although the sun was showing, the air was crisp and it was the time of year for a warm hoodie. You noticed it would get pretty cold late in the evening when you would go for a convenience store run. Jackson was geared up with his jacket, a beanie, sunglasses, and a mask. I don't know who he was trying to fool because anyone would be able to recognize him from a mile away. You wore a cute but very simple outfit.

You could never go wrong with an all black outfit. Jackson escorted you out to his car. Like a gentleman he opened the door and waited until you put on your seatbelt before he went to the driver seat.

Jackson: I thought we could grab lunch and maybe get to know each other? Sound good?

Y/N: Sure! Why so sudden though? Not that I'm complaining or anything but..

Jackson: I think you're cute.... so let's just call this a date.

He was looking straight at you with a simple smile on. It all seemed so natural. You didn't feel nervous, as if you knew him and he you. You couldn't help but smile back. You were about to start overthinking about the whole running into the sunset imagine but you stopped yourself "Take one step at a time Y/N"

After arriving, you were sat at a table. While eating, Jackson blew you away. He was kind, humble, respectful, and hilarious. His laugh was so contagious. You weren't going to let him have all the fun so cracked a few jokes of your own. Every time he would laugh you would giggle at his goofy gestures. The waiter had come over to check up on you when Jacksons phone began to ring.

Jackson: Sorry I have to take this.

You gestured for him to go ahead. Without even noticing you guys had been talking for over 2 hours. Maybe 3-4 minutes passed before he returned.

Jackson: Hey." He smiled too reassure that his happiness hadn't faded while on the phone.

Y/N: Hi" You smiled like an idiot.

Jackson: Do you mind if we cut things short?

Y/N: Oh no not at all.

You were a little sad that you had to part ways but you kept it to yourself. He paid the bill and helped you gather your things. On the way back to your airbnb the jokes continued. It wasn't bad for a first date. You really enjoyed yourself and the company he gave you, but you were sure this wasn't the only side Jackson had. When you finally arrived Jackson walked you to your door.

Jackson: Again I'm really sorry for cutting it short.

Y/N: Don't worry about it I understand.

You were standing outside the door and his phone rang again.

Jackson(on the phone): Hey I said I'll be there in a minute babe calm down.

He hung up and looked at your shocked face. You tried to play it cool.

Y/N: Ok well I'll head in thanks for everything! I enjoyed our time together this was soooooo fun have a great rest of your day remember who you are make good choices hahahaha

You gave him a smile, rushed inside, and slammed the door without letting him speak a word.

Y/N POV

What the hell? Please tell me he calls everyone babe I'll take that over an actual girlfriend any day!! No No Nooooo Don't get your hopes up Y/A! It's the first date. WAIT!! What if he's a 2 timing weasel????? Nooo he doesn't give off those vibes! It can't be! Who cares!! This was just a little one time thing RIGHT!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I need to call Mark!....

[grimmwolf]

I’ve been wanting to share some things about about my past lives and I just decided to write about it now cuz why not. Also I’m bored and I wanna post something original.

This post may be a bit confusing or disorganized. I’m tired and my brain no worky good rn. Feel free to ask any questions!! I’ll be most certainly happy to answer any and all :)

Anywhos, this is about my life as a raptor. But I wasn’t your normal everyday raptor, you see. I was so much more than that. Well, here goes nothing…

One of the first memories I regained of my time as a raptor shifter, had been triggered while I was actually having a mini mental wolf shift. I stood like a raptor unintentionally as I was standing on a stool with just my arms. The wolf shift started off with just growls and snarls and whatnot. But it stopped when I stood on the stool. Then I got a flashback of me in a desert, standing on a boulder the same way, growling down at four other raptor shifters below the boulder. It was in first person. Then, I started acting as if I was reliving the memory. I was quadrupedal at this moment, standing on all fours in the memory. I could stand like that, as well as bipedal. Kind of like how the Indominus Rex and Indoraptor could stand.

Then, I realized. The raptors I was growling at had people riding on their backs. My back felt like it had a weight on it too. As if I was a horse with a saddle on my back. Alas, a person was riding on my back as well in the memory. I remember him talking to the other riders. Then I sensed a presence behind me, and I saw that there were three other pairs of raptors and riders with me. My squad, I thought. One yellow raptor, one green raptor, and one red raptor. And I was blue. We weren’t the usual small raptors, hence the riders on our backs. We were big. Larger than the raptors from Jurassic Park. We were a combination of scales and feathers. Either that, or just feathers. Idk, I don’t remember lol. The opposing raptors and riders were a foreign squad, not one of ours. That’s why I was aggressive, and growling at them. My squad and I were scouting the area when we noticed an unfamiliar squad had trespassed into our land. So, we engaged with them. Wanting to tell them to go back to wherever they came from, and leave our kingdom alone.

Our riders had a conversation with the unknown individuals, I don’t remember what they said, just that there was a little yelling at first. My rider kept telling me to calm down, stand down. That’s enough, he said. Heel, he said. And I listened, for a moment. Before the raptor directly in front of me kept instigating me, he wouldn’t stop interacting with me. Causing me to become bothered, and agitated. So I snapped at him, hissed, trying to assert my dominance, to make him realize that I have the high ground, and that he should be the one to stand down, and submit to me. Then it hit me, I was the only female in this situation, surrounded by males. My nonhuman instincts started to kick in, and I couldn’t be there for much longer, before I lost total control of myself.

Thankfully, my rider seemed to calm the situation down, and we were to part ways. We would go back to our kingdom, while the opposing squad went back to theirs. My rider called me, calm down, he said, it’s time to go. I was hesitant at first, still wanting to be the aggressor to this cocky raptor male. I growled, hissed, called to him in many raptor sounds I made but can’t describe. I said this isn’t over, as he backed away to his rider’s command. ‘Twas a little victory, but I knew this wasn’t the only time we would meet. Especially since how he reacted to my female hormones and instincts. All eight riders sworn a truce, and I finally scoffed, then turned away to my rider’s command. We went our separate ways, for now.

Some time later, I was notified that the opposing squad leader was a Prince, and they may have been looking for some sort of help. That’s why they were in our land, not to scout, raid us, or steal anything of ours. My rider happened to be a Prince as well, and the two Princes were the leaders of their squads, as well as the opposing cocky raptor from before and I were the head raptors of our squads. I think someone was planning a war at the time, so that’s why we were scouting, as well as being very cautious of the foreign kingdom folk. We didn’t want to be so friendly as it could’ve been a sign of weakness, and there could’ve been a chance for them to attack us. Thankfully, they weren’t the ones planning a war, so we became acquaintances, on the road to becoming allies to each other’s kingdoms.

Well, that’s all the information I remember obtaining from this one memory. There’s more info, but I may add to this later or just make a whole other post about other raptor shifter memories and such. I won’t keep ya no longer. Ta ta~

[polypains]

Poly Pain: Where did my core go?

Where did my core go? I’d love honest perspective around this… I feel so abandoned/neglected lately by the person who I finally felt like would never do so.

I’ve been in my current polyamorous dynamic going on almost a year. I was fully open Poly before we started dating, and we had started during a time where a lot of my polycule either faded, or had shit going on in their life. That time was really hard for me, and I was left feeling super dazed/confused/lost. All the people I cared about weren’t around, it made me question the validity/depth of those dynamics as a whole. Then I met my now core primary(s) (we believe in non-hierarchal/core = our “thing”) which felt amazing at the time due to it being the first time I’d loved two people at once.

It was her first dive into Poly, and since I love them I really wanted to make things work/was willing to adjust if needed. When they brought up their fears about navigating Poly like abandonment, jealousy, etc. I wanted to help them feel safe/secure, I desired to show them why Poly helps so much with that. I yearned for showing them step by step how we could lean into compersion as a unit, and as each other’s core. When they asked if I’d be open to closing our relationship outside my primary at the time I was ok with it since I fell in love with them, but we had the understanding that we’d open things as time went on. Eventually we did, but things have felt like a whiplash simulator.

In our relationship time a lot of stresses happened: trauma with their family, unexpected deaths in mine, overloads of work, etc. ~ as of recently the hardest thing was going through a divorce with my partner of half a decade, & I’ve never felt more vulnerable. It’s feels so hard to me, because even while having another primary who I love I still feel hella alone lately.

We finally opened our dynamic, and they’re navigating the beautiful world of Poly while I’ve been dying inside from the cocktail of work overload, family, divorce, etc. all of which sadly lead to me breaking 8+ years of no self harming. I’ve been honest, and while I’m glad that I have been it’s putting a huge strain on her. She doesn’t know how to help, she feels like what she does doesn’t matter, and she thinks that how I’ve been is affecting her other dynamics negatively. It feels so hard to feel that this is my core lately. She’s been building all these amazing relationships, and I feel like she’s doing stuff I’ve wished that we’d do which makes me feel happy for her, yet still also deeply sad in tandem considering some of the things feel like desires that I’ve been screaming out for months. All the while….lately I just want to feel heard, understood, safe, and secure. It sucks knowing though that honestly…. Deep down I haven’t felt that for a while.

She feels like she doesn’t know how, but idk how to spell it out anymore. I just wanna be held, listened to, comforted, and supported. Lately any time I feel emotional I just expect to frustrate/worry/fluster her, and it makes me feel like such a massive burden. I don’t feel like I can voice it to Poly friends either bc proximity/worry of making her feel like I’m just hurting her name so I just sit, and sink into the chest pains for another night. I’m dealing with fresh abandonment feels from divorce, and I feel like I’ll be left behind in the midst of her Poly frenzy/forgotten ab. I’m being surrounded by people, & yet I’m battling the worst time in my life completely alone. I go to sleep hugging myself, but it just amplifies the feelings of the situation. Idk when my core will be back, but I feel so backed into a corner fighting these thoughts/feelings with no one to hold me lately. Therapy helps, but I want to feel valid with the person I’d spent all the time building a dynamic with…

[leleloolooleedle]

Literally fantasized about sitting in front of my mirror in my room on my knees with my dads loaded g*n to my forehead all morning and thought about how i could make the least amount of mess and if i should lie down or lay down a tarp. I just imagined literally sleeping forever and not having to do a single thing ever again and that thought made me so happy. Minutes later i remembered i had a psych appointment and i straight up lied about 85% of the things i told her. This is the very first appointment where when they asked me if i had any dark thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life i replied no with confidence and zero hesitation. I actually was shocked at myself. I always have a hard time lying with that question and i know my face looks hesitant every time i say no. (For people who aren’t in therapy or are and don’t know this, if u say yes to that question, the doctors are legally responsible for reporting it and getting u immediate help so i always so no- i learned that from friends in psychiatric care before i was in treatment and i always am weary of questions that dig for information like that because being hospitalized for psychiatric reasons is actually so shitty and i never want to do it again). Anyway, i know close to nobody reads my blog so this is really more of a diary entry but i was just laughing in my head when she asked that and i remembered my twisted fantasy from earlier that morning.

I also find it so strange sometimes that the people I’m surrounded by at this point in my life know very little about my past and definitely think I’m the happiest, go-lucky girl. It’s nice because i can pretend that is who i am (and sometimes it really feels like it when I’m distracted at work and having a good time with guests and my coworkers). But i have to catch myself when i almost share something that i forget isn’t common knowledge to the people around me the way it was in the past when everyone i surrounded myself with had known me for 10+ years. The thought crosses my mind most shifts, that if i killed myself and everyone at work was informed, everyone would be catastrophically caught off guard. I love that and if/when i finally do it, that thought is (and this sounds so so sick… which obviously i am) kinda comical. Like i just imagine everyone being like… wait what??? Cause nothing I do or say at work implies that i am even remotely suicidal or sad deep down inside. I seriously am so talented at faking my joy that I even baffle myself most of the time. The bartender at my work even said to me, u and him should have children cuz those would be the smiliest, happiest babies in the whole world. And i was like… oh damn, cuz the boy he was talking about is like the happiest, healthiest, most well rounded guy i know and he’s 2 years younger than me and above me at my job.

Idk i am done typing now I just felt like ranting and getting my thoughts into words for the first time in a while. That’s all. Just some incomplete thoughts for me to reflect on.

[seafoamchild]

I have been significantly less anxious over the past week. Just trying to live in the present. I’ve also been very social. I went on a second date with this guy last night which was entertaining but I’m glad we both want to keep things casual because his energy is way too much. But he’s cute so maybe it could just be a fun, short-lived fling. Who cares honestly. I deleted my dating apps so I won’t keep finding random people to go out with just for something to do. It’s definitely been somewhat fun but also kind of silly. Idk, it feels nice to be in this phase where I’m not seeking deep connection or commitment, just a good time. I’ve never really let myself be this way before because I was too insecure and thought no guys would ever like me. But guess what, they do like me, and it’s fun to explore that.

I also hung out with charlotte last night and watched Over the Garden Wall which was really fun and we also cuddled on the couch which was very sweet, and she told me she’s really happy she met me and really likes me, which was just so nice. I didn’t realize how much I needed that kind of platonic closeness with someone.

And today I went to Lauren’s family barbecue to celebrate her last day of active duty, and it was a very nice time hanging out with her family and Jess and Henry who I haven’t seen since literal high school. They were very nice and fun to talk to. We laughed so much and it felt very wholesome and it was just so lovely to be surrounded by good, nice Wisconsin people.

Luke texted me today asking if I was free tonight and ever since our last hangout I’ve been going over in my mind how I would finally reject him for the last fuckin time but guess what! I caved. All willpower disappeared in the moment. But honestly I had a really nice time chilling with him. I mean, he really came over for sex and we both knew that, but we hung out for a long time and talked a lot and it was surprisingly very enjoyable. I think he’s nicer now because he’s sober and meditating twice a day. It seems to make a significant change in his personality for the better lol. Anyway we laughed a lot and the sex was fantastic. It was very nice to just enjoy each other’s company and be super attracted to one another, and nothing more. I think all of our post-breakup hangouts were kind of painful and weird to some degree, especially our most recent one since it was the first time we really talked since having that fight. But this felt different. It just felt nice - like, I like you and I want to violently make out with you, but I don’t NEED you or want to be a part of your everyday life. It’s been such a long and ridiculous process to get to this point, and maybe this is just a moment I need to savor because maybe it won’t happen like this again, but it just feels nice to not be in love with him and also to not be angry at him, but to just like him and be chill with him and make out with him. Which is what I think I always wanted from the very beginning. I can’t seem to get this fuckin dude out of my life, can I? Something keeps bringing us back to each other. I don’t know why. But it was nice to be reminded today that we can and do get along.

[leneemusing]

some angst idk y’all i like crying

“  i don’t want you here.  just go.  ” 

“  you ‘didn’t mean to hurt me?’  yeah you did.  like it or not,  i know exactly who you are.  ” 

“  why won’t you even look at me?  ”

“  i’m not angry at you.  i’m angry with myself for trusting you.  ”

“  i wish you’d stop trying to destroy yourself in some misguided effort to feel worthy.  ”

“  i know it’s not fair to say this,  but i don’t have anything without you.  if i don’t have you i have nothing.  ”

“  you can’t love me.  not the way i need to be loved.  ”

“  i’m broken.  and i don’t need anyone to try to feed me white lies about it.  something inside me is broken and it isn’t just going to be put back like it was.  ” 

“  sometimes being broken isn’t about trying to put things back together like they were before.  it’s about picking up what pieces are left and building something new.  ”

“  okay,  so you’re a monster.  so am i.  lets be monsters together.  ” 

“  because of what they/you did i’m damaged.  ”  

“  what the hell is wrong with you?  ”

“  what the hell is wrong with me?  ”

“  i can’t fix you.  you can’t expect me to know how to fix you.  ” 

“  yeah,  i’ll be here.  i’ll be here when you’re ready to stop running.  ”

“  my world is just falling apart.  it’s like everything is just crumbling around me.  i don’t know what to do.  i just want it to stop ”  

“  you’re the only thing that makes sense right now.  everything else is just—  the world is so loud.  and the only time it feels quiet is when you’re here.  ”

“  i don’t know how to talk about shit okay?  it’s too hard.  but i do care.  i need you to trust me that i care.  ”

 “  stop punishing yourself.  you wanna make up for what you’ve done?  get off your ass and do something about it.  ”

“  whatever it is you think was going on between us,  you’re wrong.  ”

“  it didn’t mean anything to me.  ” 

“  you should move on.  i did.  ”  

“  i feel like i’m one bad day away from becoming everything i’ve fought against.  ” 

“  stop pushing me away.  i’m not going anywhere,  asshole.  and as soon as you get that through that thick skull of yours,  the better.  ”  

“  i don’t need you in my life.  i don’t want you in it.  ”  

“  i can’t trust myself.  if i let myself get comfortable enough,  when i try to be happy,  people get hurt.  ”  

“  people like me don’t get to have peace.  ”  

“  i’m not the person you want.  i know you think i am.  but it won’t take long for you to realize this is a mistake.  ”  

“  you want the truth?  the truth is when i love people it burns inside me like a poison.  it infects every part of me until it feels like they’re in my goddamn soul...and then i fuck it up.  and it’ll destroy us both.  ”  

“  i’ll always choose you.  that’s the worst part of it all.  i’d choose you over and over, even though i know you wouldn’t do the same.  ”  

“  you never had to be perfect.  you just had to stay.  ”

“  will you please just stay for once.  just.  don’t walk away.  ” 

“  if i loved you less,  i might be able to talk about it more.  ”   

“  just tell me something real.  tell me something i can remember no matter what happens to us.  ”

“  when you look at me,  i feel seen.  i feel like you see past everything i’ve always surrounded myself with to try and protect my heart.  no one has ever looked that deeply at me.  ”  

“  how can you uncover so much about someone,  make them let their guard down and lay themselves bare to you.  and then just throw it all away?  ”

“  if you walk out that door don’t bother coming back.  ”

“  why are you so afraid of trusting this—  trusting us.  what’s making you hold back?  ”

“  will you still be here?  will you stay even after you’ve seen all the ugly parts of my heart.  ”  

“  i don’t care how willing you are to die for me.  i want you to fucking live with me.  live for us.  ” 

HURT/COMFORT

[ DISCOVER ] for one muse to find the other crying alone. 

[ COMPANY ] for one muse to sit with the other so they don’t have to be alone while they’re upset. 

[ EMBRACE ] for one muse to suddenly hug the other one for their own comfort. 

[ OFFER ] for one muse to suddenly hug the other one to comfort them.

[ SETTLE ] for one muse to comfort the other and end up cuddling. 

[ SHOULDER ] for one muse to rest their head on the other’s shoulder while they comfort them. 

[ CARRY ]  for one muse to find the other injured and carry them to safety.

[ SECURE ] for one muse to carry the other to bed after they fell asleep. 

[ STRUGGLE ]  for one muse to resist being hugged but then break down and crumble against the other. 

[ CLEAR ] for one muse to wipe the other’s tears. 

[ BREAKDOWN ] for one muse to ask the other if they’re okay prompting them to finally stop bottling things up. 

[ BRUSH ] for one muse to run their fingers through the other’s hair while they open up or cry. 

[ NURSE ] for one muse to tend to the other while they’re recovering from injuries. 

[ TRUST ] for a scenario where sender’s muse is the only one receivers muse will let close. 

[ COAX ] for scenario where receiver’s muse knows they’re the only one sender’s muse will let close. 

[ CALM ] for one muse to subdue the other during an outburst. 

[ CLARITY ] for one muse to help ground the other back in the present  (i.e. after nightmare, breakdown, battle etc)

[ PREVENT ] for one muse to stop the other from going too far during a fight. 

[silkgonerough]

Astrology Observation/rants? #1

❤️I’ve noticed that people who have venus unaspected in their chart are incredibly attractive idk why???

👸Moon trine/conjunct venus is such a nice placement to have in regards to people in general but especially to the opposite sex. I feel like ppl tend to treat you more gently and kindly bc of it’s feminine energy. It gives a prince/princess charm to the natives mannerisms bc they’re so kind and warm! Men with this placement are kind of babied and seen in higher regards by women (especially older women!!) and the women are kind of protected and nurtured through men. This also goes both ways where women with this placement probably have amazing relationships with other women and the guys are that one friend who has a lowkey bromance with all of his friends lol,, It’s rlly hard to see these ppl in a malefic or fearful light.

🙎‍♀️Moon in Scorpio females have eyes that can pierce through your soul

💆Men with Aquarius venus and Capricorn Mars are top tier

👄Women with Scorpio venus are usually very pretty and sexy and known for their sex appeal if famous

💅Capricorn + gemini venus or rising women are really pretty and make great models

👯‍♀️Lilith in eighth house is considered a sex symbol placement (Brigitte Bardot, Elvis Presley, Angelina Jolie, Sophia Loren)

🤔I would say gemini and virgo risings are the hardest signs to identify because of their mercurial rulership and mutability unlike Pisces and Sagittarius where there are clear distinctions in facial features and physique because of the Jupiter/Neptune affect (long legs, round faces, prominent forehead and eyes) gemini and virgo can easily be dominated by other planets in contact with the ascendant or first house but both signs give someone a very youthful doll like glow

🧠People tend to shit on hard Saturn contacts but I find that with time they usually evolve beautifully and the aspect can become a huge benefic but only with hard work. Saturn is the only planet that rewards for perseverance and patience but it’s always worth it

🥰Leo and Virgo’s are actually really similar in what they expect from themselves and others. They both just want to be appreciated and considered important to those around them.

👩‍🦳No matter what signs are involved sun conjunct venus always has a very feminine and pleasent face usually with a prominent forehead,, they’re also rlly well captured in photographs!

🤳Mars square Neptune probably had a period where they may have read a lot of dirty fanficton or fantasized about weird concepts sexually

🌝Leo moons are WAY more of attention seekers then leo suns im sorry but it’s like their emotional well-being depends on the amount of attention they get whereas Leo suns don’t necessarily ask for it bc they just attract it naturally with their aura (this isn’t every leo moon ofc just the ones I’ve observed)

🤦‍♂️I think Virgo suns are more critical of those around them and how that affects who they are whereas Virgo moons tend to be more critical of themselves and how their actions affect their surroundings

🦵I’ve noticed Mars in the 1st house females are usually rlly toned and skinny with long legs

💃Mars in Virgo is known as being prudish or like a not sexy placement of Mars and I rlly beg to differ, I swear every person that the general public’s been obsessed with when it comes to being hot has this (Dylan O brien, Austin Butler, Idris Alba, Blake Lively, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Felton, Ariana grande, Johnny depp, Britney Spears?!! there’s so many more u guys need to get on this)

🥴Aries moons are all about talking the talk but I swear half the time are not walking the walk and when they do they’ve talked shit to about 6 ppl already and waited for like a week before telling u how they feel

🤡Pisces moons (myself being one) can be so fucking stupid when it comes to liking someone I swear. We tend to make excuses for them and cling to whatever image we’ve set up in our head on who they are. Once evolved though it’s way easier for us to see ppl for who they are off the bat without going through the emotional distress!

😒I can confirm that we attract whatever signs in our eighth house mines in Aries and I swear to god not a year has gone by where an Aries man hasn’t infiltrated my life

👗people who have venus in the second house are the definition of quality over quantity!! always dressed so well with the cutest jewelry. They’re style carries libra energy :)

🥺Aries sun men are some of the most sensitive ppl I’ve ever met!! I didn’t realize it at first but they’re rlly soft and uwu. I don’t know how to explain it but think of Eren from AOT or Natsu from Fairy Tail! They’re kind of like a cheeky kid you want to protect at all costs

🤝I think a lot of square aspects can work in your favor if there’s a specific trine or conjunct aspect that’s energy can balance it out once activated if that makes sense ? Like for example I have venus square neptune and I used to put myself in alot of unnecessary painful situation bc I had a problem with deluding myself when it came to liking someone. Yet I was always aware that the person was not right for me or the situation was toxic bc of my sun conjunct pluto. The Sun/Pluto aspect has kind of forced me to be more aware of the venus/neptune affect and I’ve grown a lot stronger through those painful plutonic experiences in love and I can see through other people’s intentions for what they are with ease. I think that sun/pluto helped cancel out my delusion by making me go through a lot of intense experiences to finally understand what I was doing and see things for what they were.

🧛🏽‍♀️Going off of that I don’t care what anyone else says I LOVE MY PLUTO ASPECTS and trust me their pretty shitty (sun conjunct pluto, moon square pluto, pluto square asc). I’ve been put into some rlly crazy situations for only being 18 but I can go into the world with a lot more awareness of who I am and the people around me. I like the intensity they bring and the forcefulness of change in my habits and life. Pluto has made me a rlly strong person in terms of persevering through life and it’s challenges. I thank pluto for that.

👩🏽‍🤝‍👨🏼👨🏾‍🤝‍👨🏻👩🏿‍🤝‍👩🏼I think one of my favorite placements I have that is also super favorable in others is Jupiter in the 11th house! This may seem kind of random but the amount of opportunities and cool experiences I’ve been given through my friends and social circles is something I’m soo thankful for🙏 Friendship and just being a friendly person in general is something I’ve always found luck and happiness in and it’s so rewarding to have so many ppl like and support u for who u are! Making friends with ppl online and making friends from friends is super easy with this placement as well💞

[cherryyharryy]

angst to fluff where y/n finds out she was originally just supposed to be a rebound type thing after he broke up with someone like idk something like he broke up with someone on the european leg of tour and she was supposed just be with him until he went on another leg but then he started to love her and brings her on the rest of tour with him and she finds out abt the rebound thing after the last show of tour where everyones drunk and celebrating and one person lets it slip

I tweaked it just a bit...hope that's ok:)

WC: 3.5K

****

“You look beautiful.”

I skim my nose across Harry’s cheek, his chin resting on my shoulder, and hum against stubble that wasn’t there this morning. “You’ve said that five times tonight.”

“And?” He slips around to face me.

His suit is a deep maroon, probably black if you’re far away, probably purple if you’ve had too much champagne. His chest expands when I slide my hand down.

“Love this dress.” He takes my hand off and pulls me closer, pressing a kiss to my head.

“You two forget where you’re at?” Another foreign voice surrounds us, well, foreign to me.

“Fucker,” Harry says to the man. They pat each other’s backs as the guy walks away. “Tyler Johnson.”

“Oh.”

“He worked with me on the last album.”

“Okay.”

It’s like the fifteenth person that I’ve been introduced to tonight, all of whom pass by with quick hellos, inside jokes with Harry, and little interest in me. The fast paced world of the rich and famous doesn’t slow down, even for charity.

“Harry, so glad you could make it.” Another voice, another man. This one lingers, long enough to receive my name, and offer a cliche compliment about my patience to put up with this beautiful bastard on my arm.

I thank him with the smile I’ve learned to speak through. These celebrities never stop smiling. Never stop posing. Never stop.

Then he’s gone too, and Harry’s whispering yet another name in my ear, of which I’ll forget seconds later because these people ultimately mean nothing to me. They all seem to pass through each other’s lives whenever convenience allows, playing house and acting like grown ups who get the privilege of not truly growing up.

I feel like the Gucci dress Harry had tailored to my body doesn’t fit. My posture sucks. I’m too scared to eat any of the finger foods being carried on silver platters through the hall. I haven’t learned how to smile through food I don’t like or not make a mess or take small enough bites. I swear, not one glass of champagne has any lipstick on it. They’re like magic.

I look at Harry. He’s stepped away to converse with a face that I do know. He and Jeff speak animatedly, Harry’s arms gesturing to whatever story he’s telling. I step over to one of the dressed tables and place what little weight I can onto the chair, needing to cling to something. When I look back up I smile, the two of them now laughing, and probably a little too loud for this charity auction.

“Y/n...right?”

I whip around, a man I’ve seen in pictures on Harry’s phone holds out his hand.

I straighten my back and accept his greeting. “Yes.”

“Finally we meet!” He catches my confusion and chuckles. “I produced Harry’s last album.”

Something clicks in my head, and he’s suddenly more familiar. “Oh! I knew that.”

Tom Hull...Kid Harpoon I process just as he introduces his name.

“I—”

An arm slipping around my waist stunts my question, Harry tipping back a red drink with his free hand while the other squeezes my hip. “Just tell this one to leave you alone,” he jabs.

Tom rolls his eyes, patting the breast of his green suit to look for something, only to show off his middle finger.

“Can’t believe the two of you haven’t met,” Harry says.

“I know, I guess we just missed each other.” Tom nods to me. “Heard you went to quite a few shows.”

“As many as I could.”

An uneasy sting travels down my spine. I did go to many shows, practically following Harry around his entire tour...all on his dime. Lord knows the man can afford it, but I still felt weird about him dishing out thousands of dollars to add me to each plane ride.

“Well I’m happy to see you two kids together,” Tom jokes, patting Harry on his back. “I’ve told him he needs to date women who will fuck him up. That’s where the songs are.”

He saunters off like he did not just say that. No. Absolutely not.

My face burns and it hurts to turn my head, but I still manage to narrow my eyes at Harry.

“Do you want another drink?”

I wait. I give him more than enough seconds to explain what the hell that was. But he’s clueless—ignorant.

“No. I do not.”

***

I do not bother taking my heels off in the car. My plan is to storm into our hotel room the second we park. Possibly locking Harry out...haven’t decided on that part yet.

The vague chit chat he makes with the driver stirs my nerves. It shouldn’t make me angry, and it’s not so much the act as it is his demeanor. He’s too cheery right now and it’s pissing me off.

“Okay,” he grabs my attention from Los Angeles flying past my window, the partition rolling up to leave us completely alone in the back seat. “What’s wrong?”

I bite my tongue, literally. “Nothing.”

“You seemed...irritated.”

“Did I?”

“Y/n.”

I turn to face him, inhaling sharply to calm my coming words. “Why are you with me?”

His face pales, and not a muscle moves. He just stares at me until he finally blinks and starts jerking his jaw around. “What are you talkin’ about?”

I roll my eyes. “The fact that you don’t know, bothers me even more.” I sigh, fighting back tears because I am determined not to cry in front of him. “Tom said that you should date people that fuck you up.”

“O—oh. That’s all?”

I squint, curling my lip. “What do you mean, that’s all? Is that not enough for you? Because that was a lot for me to hear tonight.”

“Baby, he was just messing around.”

I don’t budge.

“Really, it’s nothin’ to think about.” He tucks my hair behind my ear, trailing his hand down to cup my jaw. “Promise. It’s just like when people told you that you could do better than me, or insult me to compliment you.” He shrugs. “It’s just party talk.”

I process his words, supposing he’s not wrong. He did receive quite a few insults in lieu of my praise tonight. Maybe I was just on edge because of the setting; being surrounded by the rich and famous while I struggle to pay my rent each month isn’t exactly grounds for positive thinking.

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for.” He leans over to kiss me, stroking my face as his lips skim over mine. “Did I tell you how stunning you look tonight?”

***

It’s funny how your brain works. How emotions swoop in and corral your thoughts, like a salesman who pretends to care about you so they can get what they want. My mind was desperate for relief, from hearing Tom’s nervy comment, and I naively allowed Harry to take what he needed in that moment.

Something’s not quite right. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it.

I’ve been mulling over Harry’s words in my head all weekend, playing them on repeat, hoping they’ll start to make sense, but if anything their value keeps dropping. What worries me the most, is that I don’t know whether he’s trying to protect me or himself. I don’t know if one is any better than the other.

It’s golden hour when we pull up to the beach. I can hear the music before I even open the car door; a volleyball shoots up over the rows of bushes hiding the party, disappearing and popping back up a moment later.

I don’t really want to be here, but I also don’t want to be the girlfriend who won’t support their boyfriend.

“Ready?” Harry asks, and I nod.

The closer we walk, the clearer the music becomes. Harry’s voice takes over the private beach, and I wonder if they’re playing his entire album or just Golden on repeat.

A good bit of the people drinking and chatting I recognize form the event the other night, but there are still plenty of new faces. I take some fruity drink that was offered to me and down half of it before my feet hit sand.

And so the routine continues. I’m introduced to someone, they compliment me, laugh with Harry, congratulate him on pretty much everything he’s ever done, and then repeat with a new face. I do manage to find Sarah at one point after I’ve detached myself from Harry, and the two of us head for the water.

“Are you feeling okay?” Sarah asks once our toes are wet.

I hold my breath and count to five, finishing whatever the hell I’m drinking before I can answer her. “I’m great.”

“Harry said you weren’t doing too well after the auction?”

“Yes, Harry does a lot of talking with people when I’m not around.”

“Alright, spill it,” Sarah says.

I trace the rim of my glass, flicking my eyes over my shoulder to make sure we’re far away from the party. “It’s stupid, really, I’m just a little...I don’t know...Tom said something the other night that rubbed me the wrong way. And Harry doesn’t seem to care.”

“What did he say?”

“Just something about how Harry needs to have relationships with people who will fuck him up.”

“Ooh,” she nods, seemingly well versed in the statement. “Yeah that’s an Iggy Pop quote. Tom mentioned it in Rolling Stone when he was interviewed.” She sips her drink, eyes growing small over the rim. “It was just a cheap line of advice he gave Harry after he was torn up after his last breakup.”

“Wait, so he actually did say that before? Like before the other night?”

Sarah drifts her eyes up in thought, nodding. “Um hm. After him and Camille broke things off.” She shrugs, and gestures to the party exploding on the beach behind us. “Fine Line.”

I have no idea what I’m feeling. No clue what is coursing through my veins, but it’s not blood anymore. The corners of my jaw tingle until my face starts going numb, my breathing shallow and chest tight.

“You okay?”

“I uh, I gotta go.”

Sarah calls after me but I let my name die in the breeze as I march back to the crowd. It’s nearly dark now, and finding Harry among all his people will take forever. I try to look for him, but I’m so distraught I can’t concentrate long enough to make out faces. I give up and head back to his car, only to find it’s locked. The asphalt is warm on my legs as I lower down to the ground, careless to the dirt I’m getting on my clothes and the scratches on my skin.

I’m not in this position for long. Not long enough, at least. Harry rounds the corner of the bushes, speeding up when he sees me.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

He moves to sit down beside me, but I jump up before he can.

“You’re a fucking liar.”

“Whoa! What!? What’s gotten into you lately?”

“I told you! What Tom said the other night!” I’m yelling, too loud for public, I know. But a small part of me wants someone to hear. I want to disrupt the bubble Harry lives in.

“And I told you that it was just nonsense.”

“And that’s why you’re a liar! Sarah just told me, that he said that to you after you and Camille broke up.”

“Okay...and?”

I inhale as deep as I can. It makes me dizzy, adds to my headache. “And, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? With the knowledge that the only reason you’re even with me, is because I’m gonna fuck you up so bad you’ll get songs out of it?

“Y/n,” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “you’re taking this waaay too literally. Trust me.”

“You’re not in a position right now where I even want to trust you.”

“This has gotten completely out of control. I cannot believe you’re this upset over something so stupid.”

“Right there, Harry!” I point at him. “You keep dismissing how I feel! You don’t even care that this upsets me! That I feel like I need to reevaluate our entire relationship!”

“What is there to evaluate!? I haven’t even done anything! You’re blowing up about something that someone else said!”

“But you listened to him!”

“What,” he shrugs, “what do you want?”

“I don’t know what I want, Harry. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Do what?” He pauses, swallowing. “Us?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, us. I can’t be with you if—if you’re just waiting around for me to ruin you emotionally.”

“You’re seriously gonna let someone else’s words do this to us? You’d break up with me because of something another person said?”

“Harry, if I break up with you it’s gonna be because of what you’ve done. I don’t care that he said it, I care that you agree to it. And quite frankly, it’s pretty insulting to Camille. You spent a part of your life with that girl, and you just capitalize off of it. I’m not gonna let you do that to me.”

“I’m not capitalizing off of anyone! What the hell am I supposed to write my songs about? I’m just supposed to not date then?”

“It’s the fact that you sought out a relationship in order to fuel your writing.”

“No, y/n, that’s not what I did.” He narrows his eyes at me, and even in the dark I can see his anger. “I sought you out because I was devastated after me and her broke up. You were only supposed to be a rebound.”

I feel like the wind’s been knocked out of me. The music overhead blurs into noise scraping my eardrum, my vision grows weak and foggy. He wanted to hurt me, and he did.

“I expect a thank you when you release your next album.” I spin on my heel and head towards the main road, yanking my phone from my pocket to call an uber. For the second time tonight, my name trails behind me in the wind. I can hear Harry’s steps pick up, and as fast as I walk, he still catches me.

“Y/n, please, let’s go back to the hotel. You can hate me and not talk to me, but please don’t leave.”

I ignore him, trying to set up my ride. “Where the hell are we?”

He glances at my phone, and I can tell he considers keeping the answer to himself, so he can keep me to himself. He drops his voice, much weaker than before. “Carbon Beach. Canyon road.”

Ten minutes.

“Y/n—”

“I am not interested in discussing this with you.”

“I’m so sorry. I—I was mad and was just trying to win the argument. Whichever way I could.”

“Congratulations on your win.”

“Y/n, please, honey. I don’t want to lose you.” He drags his hands down his face, keeping his palms dug into his eyes. When he lets them drop, there are tears spilling down his cheeks. “I can’t lie and say you weren’t, but yes you were a rebound for me, but that went away. Literally weeks after we started dating. I care about you so much. I wouldn’t drag you to every show and event I have if I didn’t. I’m so proud to call you mine. The last thing you are to me is—is just grounds for my writing.”

I stare out across the road. A jeep speeds by and the gush of wind it brings sends chills down my arms.

“Harry, I just...it’s a lot. You’re a lot. Your life is a lot.” I sigh and slowly turn to face him. “It feels like the significance of us being in each other’s lives are so different.”

He kicks a rock across the road, dust flying up around us. “Fuck. Y/n I’m begging—”

“They’re here.” I nod to the headlights approaching us.

“Baby, please.”

“I think I need to be alone right now.” I get in the backseat. “Enjoy your party.”

***

I text him when I’m back at the hotel, having nowhere else to go. I didn’t think my plan of leaving through, because he’ll come back here before the night’s over. But I’m hoping he’ll stay away for a bit, long enough for me to process everything at least.

Deep down I know there’s not as much to the comment as I thought. And Harry’s not that type of guy. But the lack of concern over my feelings...the fact that I was just used as a warm body while he got over Camille...that’s what hurts the most.

There’s a fine line between being sorry because you’ve been called out, and truly being sorry. How sorry can he be when he got what he wanted? Even if I’m not what he envisioned past a few quick fucks, he still comes out on top happy.

I feel like the lifestyle these people live is embedded with secret codes, all of which I’m not wired to pick up on. The money, the mistakes, the adoration... Everything is a lot, and playing catch up is nearly impossible.

I don’t get the alone time I’d wished for. There are curses and clicks of the doorknob right before Harry comes in. He stands at the entrance, staring at me on the lounge chair like he’s unsure if I’m real.

“Wasn’t sure you’d come back here.”

“Where else can I go?” I nod to his phone in his hand. “I texted you.”

“I was driving.”

I sigh, flinching when he turns the lights on. “I know you wanna talk, but I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to,” he says, dropping his keys on a table to come sit beside me. “I’ll talk though.” He inhales, holding his breath for a second before forcing the air out. “I know that me saying I’m sorry means shit to you right now. And to be honest, it probably is coming from me...in a way. You’re right about everything. And whatever you’re feeling, once you figure that out, you’re valid about that too.”

“How would you feel if you were only meant to be temporary in my life? You never mentioned why you were interested in me in the beginning. And no, I never would have gone out with you had I known. I would never want to be someone’s rebound. There’s just something sneaky about that.”

His head drops into his hands, and his shoulders shake right before I hear him cry. “I know, I—I get so caught up in myself sometimes. I’m such a fucking prick.” When he looks up, his eyes are burnt red, glassy and defeated. “I don’t deserve you, and I really don’t deserve anyone.”

“Harry,” I chastise, not expecting the downward spiral he’s ventured onto.

“I swear I care about you. I want you to be happy, and I want to make you happy. I don’t want to be the one to treat you this way. Ever.”

I inhale as deep as I can, holding my breath until it hurts. “I know.” I take his hand in mine. “And I know your heart, and I know you care about me. I—” I sigh, “I’m not comfortable with...just forgetting all of this though. I can forgive you, but I think we need to take a couple steps back. I’ve gotten so swept up in your life and your world, I’m losing my own.”

He nods slowly, accepting my words with a pained face.

“I care about you too.”

He looks up for the first time, catching the last few tears with the back of his hand. “I know you do.”

I offer a small smile and lean in to kiss his cheek. His eyes fall closed, and blindly he turns to press his lips to mine. Our kiss is salty and urgent.

“What did you say to everyone when you left?”

He frowns in thought, like the memory is too far away. “Nothing. Jumped in my car and prayed this is where you’d be.”

I take his hand and pull us both to our feet. “We should go to bed. It’s been a long night. Too long.”

We’re quiet and slow as we shed our clothes and brush our teeth, slipping into bed around two a.m.. Harry doesn’t waste a second in pulling me into his warm chest, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug that has me burying my face into his neck.

We lay there, silent, but when I know I don’t have much longer before sleep overcomes me, I kiss his shoulder, whispering how much I love him before I close my eyes.

[quirklessidiot]

title : cigarettes and parfaits [2] pairing : older!nanami kento x younger!reader [13 year age gap, ft toji fushiguro] Genre: romance, fluff, josei, mild angst, comedy, strangers to lovers au

Summary: you’re pretty sure you’d remember marrying a man 13 years older than you, right?

Warnings: alcohol, smoking, mild smut, y/n making stupid decisions, everyones a human-au so yeh non-canon stuff and everyone’s happy (periODT) Notes: tbh idk how marriage works in japan, all i know is that once you have both your signatures in the marriage registration certificate with one witness then you guys r married skdjssks anyways onto the story- also might i add this is happy story?? i promise yall, all youll see is cute stuff in this story bcos fuck angst (ok maybe lil angst since you know plot development) but i stand by that nanami kento deserves that trip to malaysia under the sun with his lover! before i forget to add, the age dynamics is that y/n is around 25 and nanami is 38. no power play and all that, just two healthy consenting adults! sorry for the early delete had some minor corrections :( 

Izakaya-informal japanese bar

Masterlist || taglist || [prev ; next]  [updates; every friday yay!]

*13 hours earlier; a night before at some random Izakaya in Tokyo*

You sat in front of your phone and three bottles of saki, despite your friends advising you countless of times to lay off drinking too much, all sense and warnings are thrown off the window tonight.

You’re clearly far from sobriety as you recall the video chat with your otosan not looking too good and bright, “Why don’t you move back home? It’s not like the teaching job at tokyo is all that great! You’re alone there and your obachan and I don’t like that a lot…” your father’s words haunt you again and again.

Just what was wrong with living alone? And excuse your otosan but you definitely had a very good job at Tokyo High (It was a prestigious academy that paid well, best job out there that you still didn’t know how you landed). You mumbled a few curses underneath your breath, Oh, how much you love that oaf of a father and worrywart of a grandmother but could they lay off the idea of settling down? You were a responsible and good child who never had stepped a toe out of line. Wasn’t that enough already? You immediately downed the drink and let the saki burn your throat down.

“Oh ho, slow down there.” You hear someone say, “You’re all alone and it seems like you have no one to help you back home.”

It seemed like the men on the opposite side of the bar had noticed you.

“I can take myself home, thank you very much.” You mumbled, loud enough for them to hear. Unlike older men who liked to prey on you for your innocent stature. The men who sat across you in the Izakaya didn’t really exude that sort of energy (what can you say, you had a knack of experiencing that, unfortunately).

“Are you sure? We can ask the owner to call a cab for you. She’s a woman and she’s a friend of ours.” the other one in robes pipes in, wait, was that a Buddhist monk?

“No, I’m good. It’s just…” You paused before letting out a long sigh, “A bad time so I need to stick around for a bit.”

The white-haired stranger tilts his head just a bit, “Seems like you and a friend of mine are both going through some rough patches.” he replied, pointing towards his blonde company who you didn’t notice until now.

You wordlessly shifted your gaze towards the office worker next to the Buddhist monk, you hadn’t noticed the blonde man until now. It seemed like he was going through a rough time too since the pair was loud and boisterous enough to conceal his silent presence.

You notice how out of place he looks with his crisp and clean suit, hard gaze, and silence. It made you wonder what sort of man hangs out with two contrasting personalities, “You’re wondering if he’s our friend or our boss, aren’t ya?” the white-haired man asks.

You immediately turn red in embarrassment, were you that easy to read? You try to stutter out an apology but the monk waves it off, “It’s alright, we get it all the time. Contrary to popular belief, Kento is two years younger than us and is our junior from high school.” He smiles.

“Ah,” you nodded mutely, “Sorry. It definitely wouldn’t make sense to see a boss and his subordinates at an Izakaya.”

“Oh, Kento-chan doesn’t usually go out drinking but he couldn’t resist. After all, he’s a father with two very emotional teenage boys.” The white-haired man teased in a sing-song voice. It seemed like the three were close, with the way they were carelessly lounging around the stoic and kind-of scary man.

“I’m starting to wonder if he gets that teasing attitude from you.” The blonde man, seemingly out of his trance, called out his friend. Contrasting to his aloof features, he didn’t mask the annoyance in his tone.

“Oh, uh, do you need help?” you quietly asked, tilting your head to the side in wonder. The blonde man’s head snapped to your direction and quirked a brow.

“And you are?” he seemed to be calculating and observing you from head to toe. It suddenly made you a bit self-conscious because this older gentleman had no business being this good looking and scary at the same time.

“Oh, I’m Y/N by the way. I’m actually a high school teacher.” You introduced yourself sheepishly, “I’m always surrounded by angsty teenagers.”

His gaze narrowed just a bit, it seemed like he’ll be giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was a bit desperate since he was getting advice from a drunk stranger in an Izakaya out of all places, “So what seems to be the problem, Ojisan?”

He’s still quite hesitant so it’s his white haired friend who speaks out for him, “You see, Kento-chan here just moved last week because of a promotion from Kyoto.” he grins, telling the story for his friend, “His kids aren’t very keen with the moving, well one of them is outright showing it and the other one is well keeping it in since he’s just the sweeter one.”

The white-haired stranger keeps babbling on about how his friend had regretted taking the work promotion because it feels like he shouldn’t have done that. You peerlessly observe the older man’s reaction while his friend talks about his problems to you. He remains stoic.

It didn’t look like it but it seemed like this man had such a soft spot for his kids.

How nice, his wife must be proud of him.

“... and before I forget to add, Kento-chan is very much single.”

You almost choke on your saliva, this friend of his sure knew how to run his mouth. It suddenly dawns upon you why this man had been very worried, he was a single parent who only wanted what was best for his boys but he didn’t even know how he should proceed now.

“Um, ojisan?” You quietly call out, “I think you’re doing great.”

Silence lingered in the air for a bit, you cringed at your rather awkward and forward approach, “Excuse me?” the older blonde man asked, clearly dismayed by your response.

“It’s just…” you ears turn red, not from the alcohol but from embarrassment, “You wouldn’t have moved in the first place if the pay wasn’t better than your old job, right? Plus you’re alone and raising two kids. It definitely isn’t easy to provide for everything alone but I can see that you did some careful reevaluation on the whole thing. Obviously you can’t avoid the fact that they feel bad but you can sit them down and talk to them about how the whole thing was beneficial not just for you but for them too.”

You spoke way too quickly that you wondered if the man could understand you.

The blonde man holds his breath for a moment, “I know…” he mumbles, “I just don’t really know how to talk to them.”

“Well, maybe you could take them out?” You advised, “Spend a whole day with them for a while and just move around with them. Help them get acquainted around their new school or something!”

You watch him silently look at his glass and think it over. Man, if this guy wasn’t older, your obaasan would outright agree and tell you to go out with him since she was never fond of how men weren’t as calm or laid back as he was.

“That sounds plausible. Thank you, Y/N-san.” his voice turned a bit softer and you feel your stomach turn just a little queasy by his tone. God, was the alcohol this bad?

“Well, would ya look at that.” the white-haired man grins, placing his drink up as if he was signaling everyone to cheers with him, “I told you drinking at an Izakaya would solve all your problems. For that, we should drink here again next week!”

The man glared at him yet again, “No. I should be heading home now. I can’t be anymore away from S-”

“Ah, ah. You promised that you’d stay until 2 am.” The white-haired man hushed, “Or I’ll be pestering you for a whole month.”

You could definitely tell that a vein popped on his forehead and his blood pressure was shooting up. Man, you were really starting to doubt that white-haired man was older than everyone in this room. He sure had the mental age of an elementary student.

“You also said I could leave after five drinks.”

“That’s only your second.”

“Satoru…” the Buddhist monk dangerously hovers over his white-haired friend. Wow, middle-age men sure were amusing, “You don’t even drink that well and he has to drive home…”

“Tit for tat, I’ll hire one of my personnel to drive you home after five drinks and I’ll leave you alone for a wee-”

“Please just leave me alone for my whole life.” the blonde man deadpanned.

Unlike you, he wasn't such a bad drinker. Four bottles for him and one more drink for you later, you're both kind of woozy and you had gotten on even friendlier terms with the three men who you now know as Geto-ojisan, Gojo-ojisan, and finally, Nanami-ojisan. Nanami was well into his late thirties while Geto and Gojo were in their forties.

If you were sober, you wouldn’t be making friends with older men. With stories of how easily young people are taken advantage of in the big city, you’d swerve away from them. Luckily, it seemed like they were a good trio and not once did they invite you to sit on their table so you had some good distance between you four and so far, they hadn’t tried anything funny or uncomfortable.

Geto is currently a lawyer, Gojo’s apparently some swanky businessman of god knows what        you heard jewelry or something      and Nanami was an accountant. A job that he described was ‘dead-end’ and ‘fucking boring’.

“...What happened to your wife, Nanami-ojisan?” you ask, the alcohol slowly shedding your shyness away.

“I told ya, Y/N-chan. He never was married. The way he got the kids was just complicated!” Gojo Satoru frowns, splaying his long limbs in the air, for a man so enthusiastic with drinking, he sure got drunk pretty quickly.

“Really? Didn’t you have a hard time? Wow…” you whistled, “I have such high…” you raised your hand as high as you could, “...respects for like, single parents!”

“See? See? But he can’t get a partner because of that Y/N-chan.” Gojo pouts, “...We’ve been setting him up on dates and such but he keeps bailing on them!”

“I have kids.” Nanami deadpans, narrowing his eyes.

“What my friends are trying to say, Kento has a number of opportunities to bring a partner into his life but he likes to use the boys and his work as an excuse.” Geto surmised, it seemed like the lawyer was also starting to feel the effects of the alcohol since he had become more talkative.

“He’s good-looking, right Y/N-chan? If he probably didn’t act like some fossil from the Triassic period, he wouldn’t have a problem sometimes about the boys having a mother figure!” Gojo rants, making Nanami flick his forehead.

“Idiot, must you tell this stranger all my problems?” Nanami harshly interjected.

“Well, you do know that to actually get a partner, you must get out there, right ojisan?” you try to calm him down, you didn’t want a bar fight to erupt.

“I know.” he rolls his eyes, “But the kids-”

“I know.” You try to smile, “You aren’t very interested in bringing just anyone in your life, right? The boys need a permanent figure and you think dating around is going to help.”

“Holy shit, Y/N-chan.” Gojo exclaims, “I thought you were a teacher? How come you know all this shit?”

“It’s basic, Gojo-san.” you smile, ready to take another swig of your saki, “You should take into consideration that Nanami-san isn’t just anyone who’d settle for less. He needs stability since he’s technically a parent.”

“That makes you a perfect pair, don’t you think?” Geto nonchalantly replies, “I mean, you need a stable man in your life who has all of it figured out and wouldn’t hold you back at all while Kento here needs a person who could not only be a good parent but also be as understanding.”

“That’s…” you chuckle, he technically was right, “That’s definitely odd how all our problems will be solved if we both just went out together.”

“... looks young enough to be my child.” Nanami rejoined, “why would Y/N-san like-”

“I mean, you’re good looking.” you shrug, rather shamelessly, “I wouldn’t mind going out with you. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if I married you.”

Gojo spits out the saki he was drinking all over the table and that makes you cringe in disgust, “As long as he doesn’t get invited to the wedding. I’d marry you. If you’d like we could even get married right here, right now.” you proudly proclaim.

The blonde man is thrown off by your statement yet he’s too drunk to even sip in the seriousness of your words, “Well as much as I agree on not inviting Gojo to my wedding, I don’t know-” he tries to explain.

“You know what, isn’t Geto-san a lawyer? He could have it notarized and all that right now then we could get married. I’ll be a great mom and help you out then you could help me get my family off my back. You scratch my back, I scratch yours!”

Geto is definitely in shock, how odd was it that he even had a marriage registration certificate in his briefcase back in the car too?

You both could just sign it and Satoru could sign it as your witness and he could have it officially notarized since he had his seal back there too.

Solved.

“So, Nanami-san, what do you say? Wanna marry me?”

Oh god, were you shameless.

Who in the right mind would marry a stranger, one who was thirteen years older and a father?

One thing was for sure, your friends were right. You definitely needed to stay away from alcohol.

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[arwenkenobi48]

The PDF That Saved My Life - Why I Love “All Tomorrows” With All My Heart

(Content Warning: Discussions of trauma, suicidal ideation and sexual abuse)

*clears throat* So, as some of you may be aware, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, not in the least. I was struggling with serious suicidal urges and feeling extreme anguish towards my own body and soul. I believed myself to be tainted, filthy and all manner of destructive and negative things.

The reason behind this breakdown was due to the realisation that I had experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times throughout my life, including an occasion last year in which I was groped by an immediate relative. I had been aware of the incident since it happened, but was in denial. I was thinking “It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” But after trying unsuccessfully to repress it, I had to face the facts that she did what she did. I was heartbroken and I’m still deeply saddened by the realisation. Everything just seemed to fall apart and I psychologically imploded, plummeting into a dark pit of worthlessness and childlike sorrow. I felt as if I had been thrown into a mental oubliette; just tossed away and forgotten about on every level. Whenever I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and grieving my lost innocence, I was stress-eating and lying in bed, feeling nothing. Every now and then, I’d receive a short burst of energy, but nothing substantial, and the feelings remained.

Despite all of that, though, I didn’t want to die. A small part of my mind wanted to hold on and ride out these waves of suicidal thoughts. But I also knew I shouldn’t have to be going through this cycle of building up and breaking down, so I finally managed to seek professional help. There’s another thing that also pushed me towards seeking help and eventually guided me out of this dark place, and that’s the work of science fiction I mentioned in the title. All Tomorrows by C. M. Koseman (I hope I’ve spelled that right).

I don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I think it was the video by Alt Shift X on YouTube that did it. As you can imagine, my dark thoughts weren’t only directed towards myself, but the world at large. I was wondering how life could be so cruel as to let something so horrific happen to me. I saw the thumbnail of that video and I didn’t know what it was. I had vaguely heard of All Tomorrows, but was more familiar with the much more nihilistic Dougal Dixon book Man After Man, and as such I got the two confused. I clicked on the All Tomorrows video, barely paying much attention and dismissively thinking: “oh great another sci-fi dystopia that predicted humanity’s inevitable downfall”.

What that video showed me absolutely blew my mind. As I discovered C. M. Koseman’s intricate worldbuilding science fiction project, I became fascinated and enthralled by the journeys and evolutions of the various post-human species, from the fun-loving Satyriacs and the mellowed out Snake People, to the bloodthirsty Killer Folk and the horrifying Bone Crushers. Yes, many of the stories were very, very sad. The Mantelopes lost everything and devolved because intelligence was so painful. The Striders, Titans and Temptors were all wiped out before they had the chance to truly reach their full potential. The Qu and Gravitals, one could say, ruined everything. But what truly amazed me was the fact that many, many of these stories also contained great happiness.

The Colonials, for example, suffered through the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on the Devil himself. Being wedged together into a wall of flesh bricks, all while retaining intelligence. And yet, they managed to turn into the beautiful Modular People and create a utopian society. Yes, the Killer Folk are traditionally violent, but the ones that made the biggest progress were the ones that chose peace over war. The Satyriacs started off as the mindless Hedonists, but were able to use their intelligence to appreciate every moment of their joyful lives. The lowly Worms became the comfort-loving Snake People, always able to appreciate the little things in life. The flattened Lopsiders rose up from the ground and became the proud, tall Asymmetric People. The list goes on, but you get my point.

The point is, even though this future humanity went through the sort of Hell that makes the past few years look tame by comparison, they always managed to rise up. Sure, nothing was ever quite the same again, but they managed to make something new and wonderful out of that. When you cut an orange, you may not have a whole fruit anymore, but you have lots of slices that can be shared with everyone. The best thing you can do is move forward. The future will always hold something better for you, even if that seems impossible. Don’t be afraid to reach for it. The final quote of this incredible piece of sci-fi wiped away the remnants of dark still clinging to me: “Love today and seize all tomorrows.” To me, that meant “Be a kind soul and you can achieve anything.”

This entire story ignited a strong feeling of empathy within me; an emotion I thought I was too traumatised to ever properly feel or express again. I think that was the point. Sure, the many strange post-humans may not look like us, but we cannot deny that they are human and that brings out the best in us. We shouldn’t be afraid to show empathy for our fellow humans. Thinking lowly of what collectively proves to be our best quality, claiming we’re “above” it and aiming to become “bigger than” everything else deprives us of our humanity. Empathy, compassion, love, that’s what makes us truly powerful. If we can learn to love today, the utopian future we all dream of will finally be ours.

Love is something that, from an early age and for over half my life, I was never truly given. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it to others. Just as the post-humans were able to move forward and rise from the ashes, I fully intend to do the same. I’m safe now. The people who hurt me are gone from my life and will never hurt me again. I’m surrounded by loving friends, in a city I love, attending a university I love, receiving the therapy I need to heal and soon to be medically transitioning too. Even though I still struggle to accept it, I’m learning to love myself as well. I think that’s the greatest love someone can ever feel. If I continue to love each today that comes, all the tomorrows will be brighter and brighter.

And to think this all started because of a PDF about the hypothetical future of humanity. I’m determined to hold on no matter what. Idk if C. M. Koseman uses tumblr or any other social media for that matter, but if he comes across this somehow, I just want to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here today without All Tomorrows.”

https://youtu.be/-WIk29qtrIo

(PS: I know I have stumbled and made mistakes on my platform as well. I’m still a little bit unsteady after being in such a dark mental state for so long. I’m sorry about that. I am doing better. Thank you all if you made it this far. I love and appreciate every single one of you.)