#idk I feel really shitty right now and my brain can't focus

[lastoneout]

you absolutely do not need to respond if you don't want to but how does the "everything feels worse because i'm finally healing" differ from "everything feels worse because things really are that bad currently"? i always wonder if there's a way to tell them apart. glad you're getting recovering!

Imo the difference so far, is that back when I was still in an unsafe place that was making my trauma worse, between the hysterical sobbing meltdowns I just felt so....normal. I would freak out and break sometimes, but after that I would feel weirdly fine. Or even at times like I didn't have emotions at all? It was like my brain was going "there is no war in ba sing se" to protect me and keep me from freaking out too bad, and like it kinda was! My major coping mechanism has always been ignoring my emotions and shoving them all in a box until they aren't bothering me anymore. And when I was in those shitty situations that was helpful, because I needed to keep myself alive and I wasn't going to be able to do that if I was a sobbing mess all the time.

Also, the one time it got really, really bad, like I was so deep in a traumatic situation it was clearly just completely destroying me, I really did feel like that part in Inside Out where Riley's console just goes dark and none of her emotions can press any buttons. There was this overwhelming sense of dread and misery, and I could barely take care of myself at all. I stopped going to school and showering and I barely ate anything, I didn't talk to my friends, and tbh I did some stuff that I am SUPER not proud of, bcs my brain legit wasn't working at all, and it wasn't until I got out that I started feeling like a person again.

The pain of healing never feels like that. Yes, I am in a bad mental space a lot of the time, I'm depressed and I have nightmares that make me legit so depressed I spend the whole day crying, but there's like...idk this undercurrent of function and focus that wasn't there before. I can keep doing things WHILE being sad(for the most part), instead of only being able to function when I am repressing everything. And tbh it really does feel like I don't have a choice in the matter, which sounds bad but it's kinda nice? Like my brain is done repressing things and isn't going to let me do it anymore. Every time I try it's almost like there's a firm but kind voice in my head saying "no, we can't do that anymore, you have to face this, it's okay".

It's kinda weird too bcs the deeper into healing I get the less my old coping mechanisms help. Hell most of them don't even work anymore. As an example my mom got into a car wreck recently and she was in the hospital for a while, and when I found out I tried to go into my "no feelings no nonsense we have to be strong now" mode, but it didn't work?? I spent the whole time I was there crying, and like!! I actually was happy I was crying!! Because I've never been able to do that!! It's such a weird thing to be happy I'm upset but like, it means I'm making progress.

And that makes every single moment of misery bearable because I know I need this. I've needed this my entire life, and it hurts and is scary, and sometimes I do have to just zone out and play video games or spend a day in bed being sad, but I just...know it's the right thing. Idk how else to explain it, I just know.

It also helps that now I know what a happy, safe life looks like and I know it's there waiting for me. I know this work is worthwhile because I don't want to live my life the way I used to. And I am in a happy, supportive relationship that actively inspires me to work on myself and be a better person. I know not everyone has that, but framing it in a way where I am trying to be better not just for myself but for the people I love helps give me that extra bit of strength I need to keep going.

Anyway this is kinda rambly, sorry, but I did want to answer. If anyone else has any advice for anon feel free to add it on!! I have to go to therapy now lmao but when I'm done if I think of anything else I'll add it!

[wikaliyag]

hi, so i've become a tomgreg enthusiast just before the fourth season aired (i basically devoured the whole three seasons of succ in four days lmao). i don't really engage in social media and fandoms anymore but i would like to share my thoughts on the tomgreg relationship and the final season itself.

i would like to start with the fact that i was actually really surprised how explicit their relationship was in the first three seasons (in a way it still really is, but we'll get to that), since from what i knew about the show it was supposed to be something perfect for your 'normal' media consumer out there, just some business stuff, so with that logic i assumed it will be as heterosexual as it can get to not offend anyone (i mean homophobes). but the second tom and greg were together on the screen my brain materialised the 'i know what you are' dog meme and i loved it. it didn't feel superficial, it was something different, fresh and ugly and toxic and just real. seeing these two just be horrible to everyone (including each other) made sense and then seeing them finally lower their gourds down and care for only each other also made sense. so my main point is that it made a lot of sense for them to go with the dynamic and to just make it the way it is. i believe wholeheartedly that it is a genuine representation that i so desperately wanted, since i'm so done with all that 'gay ppl can't be horrible pieces of shit and have to be unnaturally perfect and good'. 

it isn’t as explicit as other queer relationships in media but that’s kinda what makes them so unique and fun to watch. they don’t have to kiss or to say ‘i love you’, cause we already have that confirmation through how they act towards each other. from ‘would you kiss me?’ first interaction to the ‘i will take care of you’ declaration, like he really didn’t have to do it, i believe he might have just been lonely in the roy kingdom and greg was the same, not in the inner circle but still a part of the family. that was the reason why he was so attracted to greg from the beginning. the nero and sporus speech, when tom decides to pour his whole heart into that speech and greg just responds with nothing, so tom awkwardly drops his smile, cause he thinks that he might be the only one that feels that way. (it was so fun to me cause for some reason i love to see tom suffer, idk why don’t ask me). but then greg immediately asks if tom is okay, cause he does care about tom and maybe he is just super oblivious to tom’s feelings at that point. in the fourth season greg allows tom to throw him under the bus during social interactions just for him to look better. he also is okay with tom treating him like shit throughout the whole show, even though he could have just leave him and try to suck up to his family more (as we can see in this season it is actually possible for greg to somehow have a working relationship with his cousins). i could give you so many more examples but we all get the point. it is not sexually explicit and it doesn’t have to, queer relationships are not only about sex or physical intimacy in general (though we still get all that patting on the back, stomach, shoulders ect., even all that whatever it was in the first ep from greg), it’s the emotional connection too. and we did get that. 

if it comes to the fourth season, i must admit that i agree with a lot of criticism. the characters feel really off to me. and i will focus on greg for a bit. this season he is suddenly gross and says stupid things, like he is a total imbecile that can’t think for himself (like i get it, he was always a little dumb dumb and ofc he can say gross things, it’s just that these are his only character trades right now, that’s the problem). he is definitely not qualified enough to be in a position that he is now but the greg from the second or third season would at least try to pinch some of his own ideas (even tho they are shitty) or maybe try to give his honest opinion on something, now he just goes ‘yeah it’s dope man’ and moves on. if it comes to tom i would say he is handled quite well, it might be because macfadyen is an absolute acting genius, but him being a total flop and trying so desperately to be on a good page with all the people that he betrayed makes sense. he is scared he is soon going to lose everything and it makes him do everything in his power to not let that happen, he is a total mess emotionally (and we love to see it). that includes coming back to shiv. even though he stood up for himself and i really wish he could just leave her and finally be happy alone, he has to be the a good and obedient husband once again, that’s his only way of saving himself. he says that he loves shiv for the money but i think there is also an actual unconditional love there, it’s just not a thing that she will understand, so he must speak in another language - a love for money and power. she then gets it and lets him in. but then you can see in a way that tom looks at her, that there is something more to it than the prestige of being married to a roy. 

and now the tomgreg relationship. we don’t see many scenes of them and yes it hurts a bit, since you wait a whole ass week for an episode and you don’t get much of their interactions but i saw someone saying that ‘they don’t need to show us tom and greg plotting together, cause we already know that. they focus on the dynamics of the relationships that are currently changing and tomgreg is as solid as a rock’ (obviously paraphrasing that one). i so agree with that, we don’t have to see them to know, it would be amazing to get more confirmation and just to see them both be all giggly middle aged men together but we already know where we stand. they have the deal, they work together behind the scenes, i bet that is exactly why in the sixth episode they went to an empty room, so that they can update each other on their secrety and confidential stuff. and why is greg gregging for ken and tom is suffocating himself in a toxic relationship with shiv? it’s simple, because it’s their plan to do so. they hope that at least one of the relationships will stick and save them from their doom. they will jump ships to whoever will be willing to not throw them away. this way it makes sense for us not to see them all that often together because we see them executing their plan, separately on camera but actually together. i hope that this will be addressed in the last four eps, it would be actually kinda fun to see maybe one of them or even both of them betray each other for their new friends/lovers to just be betrayed themselves and end up together anyway. it's what they deserve.

[neurotypical-sonic]

I feel interested in vampire aus 👀 I'd love to hear your take

For some reason I am so self concious and embarrassed about my vampire au, be niceys to me

There's not a lot of world building behind it, like I've always wanted to write a fic where the world works differently to canon but instead of explaining it, you just dive right in with minimal explanation, and see how the veiwers interpret it. I like reading those and I think it'd be fun to try and write

The basic idea is that vampires need blood because their bodies can't produce their own. And so if they don't get it enough, that's when the blood hunger (??? craze?? idk what it's called but when they go feral) kicks in. You know how you get really intense cravings based on what your body is lacking? Like sometimes you just want to eat salt out of your hand? It's like that but with the added instinct of needed to Hunt Your Prey. And it's not just craving blood, it's also because you're actually starving, and in pain and desperate because of that, to the point where it clouds your thinking. Like how an average human would respond, but once again with the added supernatural instincts.

It takes a lot to get to that point, though. There's a difference between being hungry, not having enough fresh blood in your system so you're a little snappy, to Actually Fucking Starving. Blood craze is about your body starting to shut down so your brain starts lashing out in a desperate attempt to survive

There's a little more lore to it in my head, like how vampires function in general and like. how and why they exist, but I'm too tired to get into it rn plus it's not that important

The fic in my head is about Sonic, who is a vampire, being in that position. It's on Knuckles' pov, and Amy and Tails are there. Basically, things happened and as a result Sonic has been starved, like literally, and now they're all back and safe at (??? Tails' workshop maybe) but now they have to deal with This. None of them have been in this situation before, they don't know what to do or how to make it better. Seeing Sonic like this, in so much pain and lashing out and trying to hurt them because he can't think properly, is fucking terrifying because it's not like him at all. It's terrifying to see someone you know and love in that position, and it throws you off balance. Seeing someone whos usually so strong in such a weak and vulnerable position is gut wrenching. And they KNOW the easiest way to help, but they know that they can't do that, he'd end up killing them, so they have to do it the slower way (tails leaves to break in to a hospital and steal blood while amy and knuckles stay with sonic)

It sounds super lame now that I type it out shdjdjd. The focus is on the fact that this is a Scary Situation, not because of the fact that Sonic's a vampire, but because like fuck dude!! medical emergencies aren't fun and seeing someone you love Like That is fucking terrifying!! and Sonic's in and out of lucidity and knuckles cant figure out if he prefers it when Sonic's acting like a fucking rabid animal or when sonic is fucking terrified and shaking and depending on them to both keep him in check and comfort him. Sonic's ooc in this because that's the point. And also amy knuckles and tails trying to deal with everything that comes with a loved one trying to attack you, like you know it's not their fault but it also really scares you, and dealing with during All Of This would be. interesting to say the least.

Vivid mental image: in his desperation he ends up trying to bite himself and they have to scramble to get him to Not Do That. and they end up taping a bunch of cardboard together so he has something to bite and seeing him sitting there like that, jaw clamped down on some goddamn cardboard while he shakes and looks terrified, is so jarring, like it's something that knuckles would normally make fun of him for, the whole situation is ridiculous, sonic and his shitty new chewtoy, but it's not funny at all, it's devastating and the image is seared into his brain and he doesn't know how to deal with it

I started to write it yesterday while half asleep and god damn you can tell I was half asleep. It's not good sndndn I would like to finish it because it's such a vivid image in my head but also I'm so fucking embarrassed this is so self indulgent of me. hurt/comfort and vulnerability, yknow

[cetoddle-archive]

what do you write? :) ofc you dont have to share your work if that makes you uncomfy but i’d love to hear what kind of themes/genres/topics etc and what formats you like to write in!

this is so sweet of u to ask me abt my writing im kicking my feet and giggling rn (〃ω〃) i mentioned a little bit in a reply 2 one of my posts but

putting this under a read more cause anon has effectively opened pandora's box and i have a lot. to say at u 👍🏻

i really only write horror fiction stuff and my brain is forever altered so i usually write in second person just cause that's what feels natural for me :') i like to do pov switching a lot so i will switch from povs within one section- basically a chapter with smaller mini chapters inside if that makes sense

i have a lot of different ideas and projects that i work on but usually when i talk abt my writing i'm talking about my big main project that's i've been working on for 3 years now? but recently i've been working on it more. i've affectionately nicknamed it stray cat club cause of. all the cats. it's still a wip and i have trouble summarizing it cause there's a lot going on and honestly idk which parts are even most important or worth mentioning

it follows three characters most of the time- an anxiety riddled cryptozoology journalist looking for a good story while trying not to fucking die while discovering who they are as a person, a teenage cat girl who isn't actually a cat but sure acts like one who's trying to find her mother after she goes missing while simultaneously try and behave at school so as to not get kicked out despite the horrors, and an ex policewoman turned paranormal detective who's trying to solve a decades old mystery and accidentally uncovers a government conspiracy in the process. they all end up working together eventually and there's a lot of other shitty characters like the sexy demon lady who kinda just kills people in violent and graphic ways cause she's got nothing better to do, the graverobbing morally gray scientist who can't even cook a frozen pizza, a fire mage vampire with anger issues that keeps losing her personal belongings, the teenage daughter of an incredibly affluent family who misses school a lot and there are rumors of her being a witch but it's not like magic is actually real, right and some other assholes of equally questionable caliber

the idea is that all the main characters are working on their own shit and end up meeting each other, realize they can all help each other and in fact are stronger together, and then. then they do that. the setting is also important. it's a city that's kind of infamous for being a paranormal hotspot with lots of haunted locations and cryptid sightings and reports of black magic rituals going on in the woods surrounding the city. and the residents are kind of divided- some people like the reputation and lean into it while others think its stupid and gives their beloved city a bad name, this kind of progresses as the main character plots go along but it does play a big role in stuff that happens later on

idk if there are rlly any specific themes i focus on other than fuck cops and nothing is stronger than the power of friendship. i mostly just like an excuse to write gory scenes and body horror ┐(￣▽￣)┌

i'd mention some of my other stuff but this is already rlly long and i'm sure only like. maybe two ppl care. but yeah this is what i'm working with rn :') like i said it's a wip so the ideas are still kind of vague and messy but as i actually write i get a better vision for what i wanna write hehe

[whumpbby]

whumpbby 😭 commiserate with meeee. Idk if you've seen this post that's kind of blowing up about how fandoms are racist in general because they always focus on white characters and ships over the POC ones and to be real, it's not that I disagree. I do agree, very much so, though I think the issue is way more nuanced. But I figure hey it's still a relevant post and I go to reblog and then I realise it's written by a goddamn anti 😭😭😭 now I have hIVES gdi the op is in the notes screeching at people for being kylo ren fans and telling them to die and I'm just So Over This, we can't have anything nice

The worst part is that this post got onto my dash from the blog writingwithcolour who gives really good and multi-cultural advice on writing POC and while I see why they'd reblog it, my automatic EWW UGH reaction to finding an anti's post unfiltered on my dash is now putting serious sus on that blog :((( I'm just here to whine at you dats all but yeah antis are ruining so many good things about Fandom I can't even feel good about a relevant post anymore

*commiserating*

I feel ya, the fandom that is supposed to be the place of fun and unwinding being overridden with self-congratulory bullshit is a pet peeve of mine too. 

It is hard to find a balance between ‘ yeah, these issues exist’ and a ‘no, I am not here for that’ and not end up on this or that pitchfork, because we seem to be living in the time and social sphere where daring not to be concerned about the current issue of the week for even one second of the day marks one as a degenerate/racist/sexist/take your pick. It’s the wart marking the witch. And you are expected to prove your creed constantly, to preform to someone’s satisfaction until they deem to absolve you. 

If she floats, she’s a witch. If she drowns, she’s not, but well, the point is moot.  

It’s tiring, god, it’s exhausting - when already so many things are exhausting in the real life we have outside of these fandom spaces. And it gets doubly exhausting once you realise that - it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. No graph showing how many poc characters are NOT being shipped, no list of authors who ship ‘problematic’ ships, not one anon message trying to shame someone into not doing something - NONE OF IT MATTERS. 

NONE. Not one grain of good has come out of it. 

People see a problem and get invested and sometimes the problem is real and needs solution - and very often we are so small and have no resources and we can’t help in any realistic way. So, brain comes up with ways of helping us feel less shitty about out own helplessness and we invest ourselves so deeply into them, because what else can we do? That post, that blog, that call to arms, that callout, that anon message - we are doping something! We are helping! 

We are doing something, right? Right??? 

It’s so hard to admit that not one child was saved by the witch hunt on Ao3, not one minor was saved form grooming by attacking fanfic writers on whatever platform, not one person was saved form abuse by attacking trans people, not one person was helped by the war on the “Q-word”, not one goddamn soul was helped by the anti-bullshit. All it results in is misery and pain and harassment, but hey, at least someone is reacting! - and, hey, these are ‘effects’, right? And we’re after ‘effects’ because at least we are doing something if it has effects, right??  

These movements, these tactics, these people - they are nothing else than kids stomping their feet in their respective kiddy pools and thinking the waves they create change the currents of the real ocean. They imagine they are stopping a tsunami hitting some foreign land when all they do is splash on the people who just want to wet their feet in the same pool. 

Listen. A story. 

In my town there's this guy who will randomly appear in the market square and shout about God and Salvation and how everyone sucks. This recent Christmas he positioned himself right opposite of the charity orchestra and was a nuisance to anyone who wanted to stop for a moment and listen to them playing Christmas carols - to have in this depressing and cold, and busy end of a crap year we have all survived, a moment of respite, of Christmas cheer, a crumb of relief. Usually the orchestra is surrounded by people and kids throwing coins into their box, by folk recording on their phones, etc. No, this this year no one could enjoy a moment of peace, because a nutcase behind tried to overshout the orchestra, so people kept walking, intimidated and annoyed. 

Out of frustration and, I admit, curiosity, I walked up to him and asked why won’t he move over to let the orchestra play - what I got was more shouting. Because listening to Christmas carols was hypocritical without the sprinkling of despair over the state of humanity and Our Sins. 

He wouldn’t engage, he wouldn't speak to me like a person - I was standing two feet form the guy and he was yelling at the top of his lungs so everyone heard him. I was raised Catholic in one of the most Catholic damn countries in Europe, I know what God is about. But, you see, it didn’t matter to the guy, what mattered was that he needed to be heard yelling. This was his attempt at converting people - by yelling in their faces. He was doing something and feeling better for it! 

This  guy was the anti-movement in a real, compact, one-dude pill. Any anti-movement you can think of that picks a flag and then starts to screech in its shadow, because it makes them feel better about themselves. 

As for Kylo...

The hilarious hate towards Kylo fucking Ren of all people? Towards people who ship him? All that misplaced anger at the crappy treatment of the poc actors by Disney and predominantly male ‘fans’ of Star Wars?? Let that sink in - white dudes with money made decisions, white dudes on the internet ganged up on an actress - but nah, dude, the women who write fanfic are the culprit!  We can’t gang up on Disney and we are too afraid of the dudes on Reddit and 4chan, but these girls writing Reylo porn are there and accessible and not scary and not male! We can take them on!  

How is it not hilarious? How?? This level of misdirection and confusion, being so intimidated by the insurmountable task of being angry at a corporation that makes their merch (that they are still buying, because hey, a fan is a fan, who doesn’t want a baby Yoda t-shirt?) that all they can do is to spin around and bite the ankles of the person standing behind them? How is this not hilariously morally bankrupt and so pitifully, tragically human? 

Let the block button become your shield, another good blog will come, don't regret blocking ones you are not sure about. You’re here to relax, you don’t deserve this kind of stress. They will keep screeching, but you keep walking, friend, the orchestra is still there playing your tune, enjoy it. 

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[jinandtonics]

Literally every application I do at the moment seems to be to prove to myself that I can do the application, rather than to actually get the thing I’m applying for

[emoali]

Hello I'm stressed can you tell by my cold sore...

I feel like iv come to terms that I just have to deal with intrusive thought till they go away or take medication

I feel like ignoring them is my best chance at getting ride of them. They are not completely gone and some days are worse than others but not giving them any attention feel more helpful

Monday 23rd

When I'm looking at houses at work all I can think about is Brian and I living together. Envisioning us in that house together And what it would look like. I still can't picture my life without him.

It seems like the most predictable and maybe that's why I find comfort in these thoughts. Like I feel the most safe thinking about being with Brain. Idk if I need to work on like letting go of expectations or w/e and just embracing what I have today but it makes me uncomfortable not having a plan or a vision of what my life could be or is headed towards

I was getting sad thinking about situations that werent even happening yet. I get really upset not being able to have my own place. I started thinking about having to rent a place in the ghetto and having my house broken into. Like I started to zone out at work imagining this happening to me and how shitty my life would be. And I started to get really sad.

Only thing that made me feel better was being okay with the thought that noatter what I'll be okay if things got worse and I needed my own place. I could just work all the time. I could have two jobs and work, sleep, eat , work out and repeat.

I'd have my own place.

I feel like I'm almost gunna have a panick attack I'm just so worried about my living situation. Like I almost can't breathe. And I'm on the verge on crying like I have tears in my eyes. What is happening???

I have lots of work to get done and yet my mind is telling me idc and that this delema is more important.

Okay I'm crying at work now thinking about being alone and not wanting to date anyone I'd rather be with Brian than anyone else

I can't stop crying at work

I'm just sad

I feel like I've come to terms that I will just have to deal with intrusive thoughts and I'll just have to deal with my sad spells till they pass.

Part of me wishes I would have just paid the Uber fee instead of trying to save money because the stress from the injections and my grandma confusing me was a lot

Plus I was beating myself up for having sugar relapsed with the cake and drinks

And I locked my keys in my gmas car

But I survived...

This car situation is so stressful

I'm so anxious

I'm doing better being okay with what ever happens in my relationship world

I feel like I can't control my thoughts like they are always racing and repeating I wish I could have a calm and focus mind

I just want to cuddle with Brian

Thursday

This injection is scaring me :(((

I really wish I didn't have to miss therapy last session

Sunday

I'm really sad that I keep relapsing. I can't keep to my diet or schedule.

I'm trying to just pick myself up today and move on. I'm just putting so much pressure to look my best for Evan. It's not a bad thing it's motivation but I hope I'll be able to enjoy myself when the time comes. This car situation is so fucking stressful.

Sunday

I really miss being in a relationship right now. I just want someone to cuddle with and talk to.