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greytoiletpaper · 4 years ago

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Out on Allen Street, it’s 7 in the Morning

Set in the same-ish Street Siblings universe as First Contact by @cryptids-and-muses and @a-sketchy-character @streetsiblings (they’re awesome), I present my own built-on concept. It’s a bit angstier but sue me I’m an angst ball

AO3 | Deluge

Chapter 1: Drizzle

Jason Todd loved the rain. He remembered it pattering on the roof as he dozed off into the night, curled up with Sparky. Times spent splashing in puddles. Drawing a rare smile from Catherine as bright as the morning sun. Days without Willis, his head stuck in a worn copy of Huckleberry Finn and the ambience set only by the rain as it tracked ran down the window he leant on.

It was raining when Jason woke to his mother’s lax corpse, ears drowning out every sound except the rain’s as it plinked in time with the droplets that dripped down her arm.

In front of her, Faizul’s corpse is still. So still that Cassandra Cain can almost block out how the man’s body only radiated pain and fear and agony so strong-and-she-did-that-with-her-hands-her-hands-so-red-and-.

But she can’t, her head is still drowning in the memory, and all she can think about is the fear emptiness that settles in her body. Her gift to understand movement as if it were a language, she learns, is nothing more than a curse when Death comes by her hand. She wrings her red fist, as tainted as her soul because of what she had done. She looks away.

Father David has his arms outstretched, a smile so sharp and so bright that if he were any other man, she would have thought he was proud. He is, but underneath, Cassandra can see nothing but sick and profound glee at what she can do. The decision is easy.

As Cassandra springs out the window, its hinges blew wide open, her father David keeled over, the sky crackles and runs with the long red rivulets off her arms.

Now, five months later, Jason ducks his head under the fire escape in an empty alley, the rain in a duet with the nightlife of Gotham. He allows himself some respite as it steadily washes the grime off his surroundings, a pleasant ratatatata above the ambient din that is the dark of Gotham. He is so tired, but he’ll have to move soon if he wants to stay out of sight of kidnappers and killers and whatever else haunts the shadows of Gotham.

A howl slices through the Gotham night as some mug gets his face slammed into a wall. Jason knows this because he can see it right now as the same mook gets decked by a – a girl. Anyone on the streets knows that girls can hold their own but seeing some thirty-something-year-old man get his ass handed to him by a pixie of a girl – he thinks she’s his age, somehow – is something else. Seriously, the guy looks terrified out of his mind as he runs with his tail between his legs after a particularly nasty hit to his crotch.

As if sensing his gaze, the girl snaps her head to him, locking him in place.

“Uh… Hi?” Jason raises his hand in an awkward wave which the girl mimics, albeit a bit stilted, her head on a tilt. The silence between the two of them stretches until the girl seems to see something in him and nods. Out of ideas, Jason digs around his bag and produces a fresh enough apple.

“I’m Jason.” He points to himself.

A beat, and then the girl repeats the gesture.

“Cuh, cuh, cuh,” She struggles with the words, her forehead pinched. “Cuh, ah, ssss.”

“Cass?” The girl nods again, this time rigorously. Unsure of himself, Jason raises the apple to her. “Well, nice to meet you, Cass. You hungry?”

Cass grins, her eyes twinkling as she bites into the apple. Around them, the rain lessens. Just a little.

She watches two of her most precious children draw closer, children who will laugh and cry and burn for her love. Gotham watches them come, raises her arms, and weeps with her joy.

“Jason and Cassandra against the world,” Is what Gotham would have said if she had a voice. For years, the city is content to watch her children. She observes Jason and Cassandra as they starve, as they fight, as they grow. On one night, the weather nothing but pluvial, she witnesses them come across the strange car in the alleyway owned by her first child. On that night, she watches as the Dark Knight comes across her most perfect pair of children.

“Cassandra,” She looks up at the man they had been living under for the past two months, Bruce. She makes no answer, only staring blankly at him–they were betting on seeing how long it took for the man to get uncomfortable when she does that–who stares back. He continues as if they had not been staring for a full minute, which is not to Cass’ benefit. “Do you know where Jason is?”

Cass, willing to keep trying, keeps her gaze unrepentant. Under her scrutiny, the Dark Knight’s demeanour finally cracks a little. Internally, Cass is ecstatic, but she still really wants to milk it as she keeps up the act.

“Someone call for me?” Jay comes down the stairs. Finally, Cass can break her façade.

“Good morning, slob.” The slob, honest to god, freezes.

“No,” He grinds out of his teeth.

“Yes,” Cass gives him a crooked smile. “slob.”

“Am I missing something here?” Bruce is frowning. Oh right, he was ignorant to their scheme.

“Slob,” Cass repeats with feeling and delights at Jay’s fuming. “S-L-O-B. It means Stupid-Loser-Of-Bets,” She looks Jay dead in the eye again and calls him by the name.

Bruce frowned even further (his body projects such honest confusion that Cass almost laughs). “I was not aware you two had made a bet.”

“A bet I lost because of you, old man!” Jay pipes up, suddenly fuming at Bruce. “You’re Batman, and you can’t even keep from cracking when some girl stares at you for longer than a minute?”

Cass does not hold in her laughter anymore, something she broadcasts to all gathered. Bruce sighs, but at least he waits for her to calm down before he gets to his point.

“Regardless… I need you two to come with me to my office,” As the man leaves, the two share a glance.

“You gonna go after him?”

“You first, slob,” Jay grumbles the entire way to the office, where Bruce waves them in.

For a few seconds, the man awkwardly shifts before he pulls a sheaf of papers from behind his desk.

“I… I quite enjoy having the two of you here. With me,” Bruce admits, looking both of them in the eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I do not want to force this on either of you, but I would love to have you here with me for longer.”

“Permanently, even.”

Bruce lays out the papers on the desk, ‘Adoption Applications’ printed at the top. The letters draw a sharp breath from Jay, and Cass is confident enough with reading to understand what it means.

“Yes,” They both say immediately, and Bruce’s face goes softer than either have ever seen it.

When he asks for their surnames, Cass thinks about saying Cain. Instead, she says Todd.

Shyly, her russet orbs meet his azure ones expecting anger, but everything about Jason only projects love and acceptance. Her grin, something she had not got right yet, is almost identical to the one her brother wears.

“Always wanted a sister. Can’t do much better than you, eh, Cass?”

“Yes Jay,” she pauses. “slob.”

Outside, the sky is open in a light drizzle.

If there is anyone in the Waynes that Jason thinks is his favourite, it would be Alfred. An opinion he thinks Cass would be hard-pressed to disagree with. Of course, Cass is still in awe about the fact that Bruce Wayne is Batman (and isn’t that just fucking crazy), so it’s understandable. Conversely, Jason still remembers his first memory of the butler, a kind smile and welcoming arms that promised care for both of them.

“Master Jason,” The boy had looked up to see a crinkle in Alfred’s eyes that he had only ever seen from Catherine. The butler continued, somehow even softer than his usual. “Would you like me to fix that for you?”

Alfred gestured to Jason’s battered copy of Huckleberry Finn that he had cradled self-consciously to his chest. He refused, unsure why the butler seemed to be delighted to see Jason in the way only Cass and his Mom did. But there is something so trustworthy about the man that part of Jason is sure Alfred would do things like that no matter what he asked. So, automatic favourite.

Their older brother, Dick (“Aptly nicknamed,” Jay mutters under his breath.), yells whenever he comes to the manor. Most of his visits tend to cycle between him screaming at Bruce or yelling about them. He does make an effort to be a little quieter when he’s talking about the latter. Although, he still looks at Jay with an indecipherable mixture of emotions in his eyes. A pool caught between anger and something unknown to them. It’s not something that upsets Cass, but it puts both of them off, nonetheless.

On the other hand, Barbara is a little more forward in her dislike of the new kids. More often than not, her ire seems aimed at Cass specifically. Privately, Cass thinks Barbara was still angry about Bruce taking her role as Batgirl and giving it to Cass. But, she can see how every time the older girl gets less hostile, another part of her body was long past the role anyway. So, she doesn’t hold it against Oracle.

“C’mon Cass, repeat after me,” Jason waves the pages in Cass’ face, which elicits a giggle from his sister. Her giggling unbalances the both of them, so they have to waste another couple of minutes to make themselves comfortable again.

“What’s the use you learning to do right when it’s troublesome to do right and ain’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?”

Cass repeats the words, but she struggles at ‘troublesome’, so Jason repeats it for her. Silence, and then.

“What mean?” He thinks she isn’t asking about the word.

“Well, Mom used to say that it was just that. It might be harder to do the right thing, but it’d be better since you at least did it properly,” Satisfied, his sister merely nods and tries the words again. This time, she only takes three tries until she gets ‘troublesome’ right.

“I think she would have liked you,” He murmurs between phrases and instantly regrets it when Cass’ head turns to him so sharply she jostles him. He is about to brush it off when she nods her head shyly, snuggling closer to Jason.

He thinks, as they keep reading, that things are going to turn out alright. He has Robin now, and Robin gives him magic. Not only that but he’s also got Cass as Batgirl. Sure, she has that weird stitch mask covering her face, but it’s so fitting that he cannot imagine Cass with any other kind of costume. He knows her, and she knows him. For years she has been the sister he never knew he needed.

Together, Jason muses, they’re going to shake the whole damn world.

Whether they're from the Justice League or otherwise, everyone is always ready with a snide comment directed towards them. Or, more specifically, Jason. They use words and insults that don’t make sense to her, but she can see them affect her brother. When she asks, all he does is brush her off with lies and platitudes that they both know are fake. It isn’t until Troia huffs and says something that has waves of hurt rolling off Jason’s body that Cass decides she’s had enough.

“Honestly, I can’t believe you’d think you’d ever be like – ow!” Troia, poise flooded with nothing but condescension (she’s too angry to be elated at remembering a word Jason taught her) that Cass quickly corrects with a sharp jab. Like a deer in headlights, she turns and somehow has the gall to look indignant (another word). “Who did – Batgirl?”

“What, are you doing?” Troia fucking blinks. “Why are you treating my brother like this?”

She doesn’t even look guilty.

“Oh, don’t worry about all that. I don’t think it’s anything you’d understand anyway,”

She bends down towards her, apparently not noticing how still she is. Anyone who knows anything about Cassandra Todd knows her stillness means Death. Evidently, Troia is an exception. She's the only one in the room that's relaxed.

“Some people are simply born for this role. No street rat can ever hope to achieve that.”

Cassandra moves before anyone even blinks, her arms a flurry of jabs and punches and vicious kicks as she catches Troia off guard. Even when she finally regains her footing, the Amazon doesn't stand a sliver of a chance as Cassandra lays into her.

A block from Troia awards a savage stomp on her shin. A punch ducked under and followed through into a sequence of blows to the Amazon’s chest. When Troia grips her lasso and tries to restrain Cassandra, the girl only slinks her way past and wrestles it from her hands. Quickly and efficiently, she wraps it around the Amazon’s waist and pulls. For someone so small, Cassandra manages to lift Troia with the lasso with enough strength that when she releases it, the Amazon goes flying into a pillar in the Watchtower with a sharp crack.

Cass picks up her brother and shields him from the Leaguers, indifferent to their shocked and judgemental eyes.

The message is clear.

Even though they’re lost in a veritable sea of people, it still ends up being just the two of them, and Cass is more than okay with that.

Next chapter

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mattzerella-sticks · 5 years ago

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I’m Here (Coda to 1x10 “Brainwave Jr.”, Wildstar pre-slash, 3.2k)

Losing Henry was sad, but it's not the first person Courtney knew whose future was snatched by the Injustice Society of America. That doesn't make his death any less tragic. It does remind Courtney how screwed up and dangerous her life was. At least she was able to wake up the next day and keep moving. And so was Beth, and Rick. But Yolanda...

Where was Yolanda? Courtney needs to know.

Courtney’s bag falls to her wrist as her shoulders sag, expectant tension fizzling out in disappointment. She stands frozen at the corner of the school’s hallway, gaze trained on a familiar and abandoned locker. Students and faculty passing it without a second thought, unaware that its owner will no longer have use for the space and all left inside. While the memory stays fresh because it constantly repeats itself every few seconds, Courtney still woke up thinking it might have been a dream. A projection from Brainwave, forcibly implanted in their minds, instead of the awful truth. That she would walk into school and find Henry going about his day like everyone else.

He’d never get the chance again. Like Joey, Joey’s parents… her dad -

“Hey,” she feels a hand snake itself around her elbow, startling Courtney from her thoughts. Beth offers a kind smile while dragging her past Henry’s old locker. “How are you holding up?”

She glances behind her one last time in punishment, answering without thinking. “Better than Henry.”

“I think we can all say that.” Rick joins them, squeezing Courtney in a loose hug on her other side. Their trio walk in silence until they reach Courtney’s locker, letting her search inside for her books. “Yesterday was fucked up.”

“I can’t believe Mr. King…” Beth hugs herself, shivering, “he always seemed kind of… cold, whenever I would run into him at the hospital. But, to do that – to his own son – that’s…”

“Fucked up?”

She sighs, “Yeah, exactly.”

Rick leans against the lockers, staring ahead with a dazed look in his eye Courtney recognizes. She saw it in her own reflection, after washing her face the night Joey died. Like being dragged from icy waters and left on fragile ice, no protection from the freezing winds slashing your skin like knives. Surviving, but barely. “You kept saying he was a villain. And knowing what we know it wasn’t hard to trust you. But being there and watching… If he was willing to do that to his own son… what’s that mean for any of us?”

Courtney stuffs textbooks into their section, steadying herself with a deep breath. “It means we need to strike them before they get at us,” she tells them, voice bouncing off her locker walls. “To prove that Henry didn’t… didn’t sacrifice himself in vain, and that we can stop his father and the others. Prove to them all that good will triumph and…” Losing steam, she closes her locker with a slam. “And everything else.”

Scoffing, Rick pushes off the locker. “And everything else? Real inspiring speech there, Court.” His sarcasm drips off his words and onto her shoes. “Give us the truth, do we have any chance in beating them? Or are we doomed to end up like Henry?”

Before she can answer him, Beth jumps in. “Of course we do,” she says, a brighter, more genuine smile stretched across her face. “We’re the good guys! Plus, we’ll all be together – I don’t see how they can beat us as a team!”

“Beth…” Rick pinches his brow, fighting the smirk twitching on his lips, “I doubt the power of friendship and teamwork will work on cold-blooded killers.”

“Maybe it will if you let yourself believe. You know, Chuck says –“

“I don’t want to hear what your computer boyfriend has to say.”

“Chuck’s not my boyfriend,” she whispers, shoving at Rick while choking on an awkward chuckle. “And he’s not a computer – he’s an AI. An AI of a superhero, who’s in my backpack and can probably hear us.”

Rick’s good mood finally appears, egged on by teasing Beth. “Sorry,” he says, grabbing for her shoulder. A friendly gesture hiding betrayal because he immediately spins her around, loudly talking with her backpack. “I didn’t mean to offend your AI boyfriend!”

“Rick!”

Watching Beth repeatedly slap Rick should have lifted Courtney’s spirits further. They settle at a halfway point, enough that she knows moping around won’t do any good. For Henry, and everyone else in the town, they need to pick up and carry on. She’s thankful for her friends being there, helping her believe in the muddled speech she gave earlier. Beth, Rick, and –

“Hey,” she interrupts their bickering, looking around, “Where’s Yolanda?”

Her question snuffed what little lightness broke through the heavy darkness. Beth draws her hands back from Rick’s collar, wringing them. “Courtney,” she starts, eyes bouncing around everywhere except Courtney, “do you really expect her to be here. After what happened with Henry…?”

Courtney remembers. Escaping from the underground tunnels, tears streaming down hers and the others’ cheeks. Navigating the dark tunnels, searching for the staircase they came down. Yolanda tripping halfway, a sob ripped from her chest alongside Henry’s name. In the next breath Rick picked her up and shouted, “Keep moving!” Courtney trailing after them, numbly letting Beth lead so she can hold the rear. Brainwave, Dragon King, or any of his cronies could have rushed them at that point; she wasn’t paying attention. She was too busy with Yolanda and how she clung so tight her claws ripped through Rick’s cape. Cycling through a number of phrases that didn’t feel right enough.

It didn’t matter. They stopped running, ten blocks from Cindy’s old house. Gasping, tugging on their masks save for Yolanda. In the space between Rick setting her down and Courtney asking if anyone was hurt, she disappeared.

And she refuses to answer any of Courtney’s texts.

“No,” she tells them, “Did I hope…?”

Rick shrugs sympathetically. “Yolanda needs her space right now,” he says, “her and Henry… shit’s complicated. I doubt she’d be able to fake enough enthusiasm to make it through school like she normally does.”

“But it’s not safe,” Courtney fires back, frowning, “The Injustice Society… Beth’s right. We need to be together. If she’s alone and-and upset, it’d be easy for them to pick her off and…” She replaces Henry’s body with Yolanda’s, a frightening chill rushing through her like Jordan grabbed Courtney with his icy hand and squeezed.

Except it’s not Jordan, it’s Beth again. She lets go of her wrist, stepping away. “If Yolanda’s in danger, she’ll call,” Beth tells her, “Besides, it’s daytime right now. The Injustice Society’s been operating in secret for how long? They won’t risk blowing their cover now. If we haven’t heard from her when school ends, then we can go to Pat and go looking. Okay?”

Courtney nods, stomach uneasy. “Okay.” She bites her lip, thinking. “Also, until this is all… sorted out, I think we should be closer, easier to reach in case there is danger. Like… sleepovers?”

Beth claps, bouncing. “Sleepover!” she gasps, “I’ve always wanted to have a sleepover!”

“You know this will be less about braiding hair and more about keeping us alive, right?” Rick asks, crossing his arms.

“I won’t let that take this victory away from me!”

Courtney looks at Rick. “You in? I’m sure my mom will be cool now that she knows about… everything, but she might have you sleep downstairs.”

He rolls his eyes. “Just tell her I’m gay. That nothing’ll happen.”

“Listen, after the Cosmic Rod, I think I’m done lying to my mom for a while…”

“Good thing it’s not a lie.”

“Oh.” Courtney pauses, letting Rick’s tactless declaration sink in so she won’t continue with a foot in her mouth. She was getting too familiar with the taste of shoe leather. “I’m not sure that’ll change her mind, but it’s good to know. Thank you… for telling us.”

Rick’s mouth stretches in a thin smile, haze faded from his eyes. “Honestly thought you knew.” He and Beth set off from Courtney’s locker, slow in their exit. “You coming? The whole sticking together plan won’t work if you get detention for being late… then we’d all have to get detention –“

“I will not,” Beth says, “Courtney don’t get detention!”

Courtney chuckles, swinging her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll be there, you guys go on ahead…” She waits until they disappear around the corner, her happy expression dropping into seriousness.

Class is the furthest thing on her mind. A waste of her time. She knows what she must do, even if it goes against her own orders. Courtney knows Beth and Rick won’t be mad, though, if her plan works out.

First, she needs to escape. Doing that should take a few minutes, especially with how quickly the halls are emptying. Courtney casually retraces her steps, tiptoeing past closed doors hoping no one spots her. Still, knowing how important it is she leave quickly, Courtney cannot help detouring by the dark training room. Punching bag swinging from the breeze instead of Yolanda’s punches. The dull thud echoing with her grunts, Yolanda truly in her element. In those days when they were still strangers, and she wondered who would join her new Justice Society, Courtney found herself drawn by those noises. Studied her friend’s form and skill, hidden from view. Although Yolanda knew. Always did, but never bothered shooing her off.

Both were glad Yolanda let Courtney watch as long as she did.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be in class?”

Courtney spins, an excuse ready at the draw. She doesn’t use it. Silence preferable given who caught her.

Cameron’s brows dip in confusion, “Hey, Courtney… you okay?” He waves his hand in front of her face, Courtney flinching despite herself. There wasn’t any frost.

“Sorry, Cameron,” she says, slouching, “you caught me off guard.”

“No kidding…” He pulls tighter on his backpack strap, other hand buried in his pocket. “So… what’re you doing?”

Nothing she can tell him about. When Courtney pieced together Jordan’s identity, she briefly considered what it meant for her and Cameron. She did mourn the possibility of something more happening between them, but the biggest feeling Courtney had about that being over was relief. “I was on my way to the bathroom,” she lies, “because of… girl issues.”

He blinks at her. “Girl issues?”

“Y’know,” she gestures at her body, “the usual. Think I’d get a break because of the accident, but no… time stops for no woman.”

Cameron understands, a slight blush dusting his pale cheeks. “Oh, I… I hope you feel better,” he says, shifting on his feet, “Hey, if you’re not busy later –“

“Sorry Cameron, gotta go!”

Courtney disappears, rushing off from the scene. She doesn’t stop until she sees the doors leading to the parking lot, practically barreling into them. However they refuse her, knocking her away. Not taking rejection lightly, Courtney tries again. And again. Rattles the push bar so loudly she’s sure anyone in a five-mile radius can hear her. Huffing, Courtney kicks the door and collapses against it.

“Stupid… door… why won’t you… open…?”

She hears someone clear their throat behind her, Courtney tensing. Peeling herself off the door, Courtney sees the school’s janitor standing a few feet away. Staring disapprovingly, no doubt frowning from behind his bushy beard. Mop held at his side like a sword, scabbarded in its bucket. “Are you trying to leave?”

“Leave?” Courtney snorts, waving his question off, “No… why would I – that’s…” Wincing, she braces for what comes next. “Please don’t tell the principal!”

Eyes closed, she hears what happens next. How the janitor walks closer, mop bucket rolling after him like a trusty steed. His soft humming accompanied by the jingling of a few keys. Finally, the squeaking of hinges as the doors open. Courtney pries her eyes open, gaping at the janitor. He holds it open for her, waiting.

“I don’t understand,” she says, “Why’re you -?”

“I’m sure there are more important places you need to be.”

While cryptic, Courtney shoves her suspicions aside. Questioning her janitor can be saved for a later date, when she can ask Pat if any of the Injustice Society had beards, talked in a strange accent, and were named Justin. Until then, Courtney thanks him and runs outside. Finds the Rod waiting at the parking lot’s entrance, hovering in place. “Hey,” she says, petting its head, “I know you need your rest, but…”

--------------------

She was in the woods. Courtney descends from the sky, silent, as Yolanda tears through another tree. Many others laid strewn about the bloodless battlefield, victims of her claws. Given the amount, Courtney guesses Yolanda was there all night. She hadn’t gone home, slept, ate, or even changed her outfit. The Wildcat bodysuit looked duller, dust from the tunnel’s debris untouched. Peering closer, Courtney saw some in her hair.

Rick was right. This is some complicated shit.

Yolanda stops, one hand raised above about to slice through more wood. “I know you’re there Courtney,” she says, “can you please leave me alone?”

Courtney jumps off the Rod, it flying off like it knew they should have space. “I think alone is the last thing you should be.” She walks closer, careful. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She swings her hand down, Courtney wincing as metal nails meet wood. “Not really.”

Nodding, Courtney changed course and sat on one of the fallen logs. Watched Yolanda finish eviscerating the tree’s trunk until it couldn’t stand any longer. The tree fell onto one of the others with a loud crash. Its death wail hiding Yolanda’s own screams that left her ragged and clutching onto the base of the trunk. Courtney’s heart twists at the sight, and her fingers twitch on her knees. She doesn’t move, though.

“Feel better?”

Yolanda catches her breath. She punctures the trunk with her claws, voice a deep growl. “No,” she says, “because it wasn’t Brainwave. None of them were Brainwave.”

Studying the massacre again, a heavy weight settles in her stomach. “Yolanda,” she starts, “are you seriously thinking of killing –“

“Yes.” Yolanda turns on her heel, facing Courtney. Shoulders squared and head held high, she almost convinced Courtney. Except her bottom lip wobbles slightly. “After what he did to his own son? What he promised to do to you, your family… there’s only one way of stopping him.”

“Yolanda,” Courtney stands, frowning, “you can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re the good guys,” she hisses, striding closer, “Good guys don’t kill. We stop the people who want to kill.” On instinct she grabs for Yolanda’s wrist, only for the other girl to snatch it away. Nerves fraying at the action.

“Funny,” she scoffs, glaring, “were you the good guy when you fried his brains? When you put him in a coma?”

Courtney blushes, faltering somewhat. “It was an accident,” she tells Yolanda, “I had only just gotten the Rod. I didn’t mean to –“

“Which is why he’s still walking. Why he was able to…” Yolanda skips over the words, shaking her head. She pops her claws, holding them between her and Courtney. “I won’t make the same mistake you made.”

“Yolanda…” she sighs, running a hand through her hair. She’s conflicted. A small voice in her head sides with her friend, thinking how a man as awful as Henry King doesn’t deserve life if he would so flippantly take it from people he should care about – like his wife and son. But another one, a voice she thinks is her father’s, overpowers the crueler instinct. “I won’t let you make that mistake.”

“I. Don’t. Care,” she spits, slashing the air, “I’ll go at him by myself if I have to. Let him try and stop me.”

Again, the image of Yolanda buried under a pile or rubble pops into view. Seeing it spurs Courtney forward, and she seizes her friend’s hand despite the sharp nails. “No! He’ll kill you!”

“Courtney –“

“Please, Yolanda,” she says, trusting her gut as she drags Yolanda into a hug despite her rigidness. “Please… don’t go after him alone. You saw what he can do, I can’t… just, promise me.”

The silence stretches on more than Courtney would like, but thankfully Yolanda agrees. “Fine,” she says, “I won’t go after him alone.” She shifts in Courtney’s hold, “But I have to… he has to pay, for what he did to Henry.”

Courtney curls her fingers around Yolanda’s neck, closing her eyes. “Do you think Henry would want you to kill his dad?”

Yolanda shudders, breath wet on Courtney’s neck. She waits as the other girl considers her question, defenses slowly crumbling. Her arms rise and wrap around Courtney’s back while a sob breaks free. “It’s not fair,” she hiccups, “it’s not fair!”

“I know Yolanda, I know…”

“No, it… I spent so much time hating Henry. Believing he was nothing more than an evil bully. Convincing myself that if he were to die, that I wouldn’t feel a thing. Hell, I almost eviscerated him myself. There were so many times that I could, that I wanted to. I mean, he ruined my life. But at the end I… I still loved him.” Her knees wobble, so Courtney guides them to the floor. Courtney kneeling, with Yolanda stretched out across her lap. “And now he’s gone. Because he trusted his father to be a good man, when really he’s scum. Maybe we could’ve worked on what we had, or maybe I could have forgiven him. That was taken away from me. He died and I couldn’t forgive him. I still can’t forgive him for what he did… even after he gave his life for us. I’m not a good guy Courtney. I’m an animal…”

“You’re not an animal Yolanda,” Courtney tells her, stroking her hair. She tucks her head under chin, resting on the helmet. “Yolanda, you’re a hero. You’re exactly the kind of person I knew you were when I gave you Wildcat’s costume. And what Henry did… what Brainwave did, that doesn’t change anything. Because you’re strong. That’s why you never gave in, why you won’t let yourself kill Brainwave even though every part of you may want to. You won’t let yourself sink to their level.”

“I’m tired of having to be strong all the time,” Yolanda says, “Why can’t it be easy?”

Courtney sighs, “I wish they were. I wish my dad wasn’t a superhero, and he and all the others weren’t killed. But he's gone, and they’re gone… so it’s up to us to stop the bad guys.”

“Do we have to stop them now?”

Pausing, Courtney’s lips quirk up in a tiny smile. “No… no, not right now. We can just sit here and be easy. Sound okay with you?”

Yolanda nods, “I’d like that.”

They stay like that for a while, Courtney holding Yolanda. Rocking her slowly, gently like the waves. Yolanda’s body relaxes in her arms, breaths evening until Courtney thinks she’s asleep. When she says the other girl’s name and gets no response, she continues at a whisper. “I’m sorry so much has been taken from you,” Courtney tells her, staring up at the cloudless sky, “I won’t let them take anything else. We’re going to beat them. You, me… Beth, Rick, even Pat… we’re the Justice Society. The good guys. Good always wins in the end.”

In the forest, surrounded by fallen trees and with a slumbering Yolanda in her lap, Courtney finally believes in what she said. The lingering shadows of Henry’s death shed from her mind, the wisps disappearing into the sky. A hushed voice breaks through her lazy thoughts, thanking Courtney. Before she can wonder who said that, Yolanda stirs in her grasp.

Distracted, Courtney soothes her tired friend. “It’s okay Yolanda, I’m here… nothing will happen. And if it does? I’ll protect you…”

#stargirl #stargirl cw #1x10 brainwave jr #courtney whitmore #wildcat #yolanda montez #beth chapel #rick tyler #wildstar #stargirl x wildcat #stargirl fic #wildstar fic

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preserving-ferretbrain · 6 years ago

Text

It's A Gay Old Life

by Viorica

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Viorica has some issues with the first season of "Queer as Folk"~

America has this horrible habit of remaking British television and movies, presumably in order to a) cash in on franchises that have proven themselves popular, and b) make sure that their citizens are watching American-produced TV instead of putting their money into another country's market. It was done to

Life on Mars

, it's being done to

Death at a Funeral

, and it was done to

The Office

. These remakes tend to provoke varying reactions - some, like

The Office

succeed, and some, like ABC's ill-fated

Life on Mars

, fall flat. One of the cross-Atlantic success stories was

Queer as Folk

, adapted from Russell T. Davies's drama of the same name. It ran for five years on Showtime, garnered quite a bit of praise, and has a fairly substantial fanbase. I took the DVD of the first season out of the local library, figuring that since more than one person had recommended it to me, it had to be at least entertaining. The verdict? Well, it is and it isn't.

The show is set in Pittsburgh (which I have no comment on, seeing as I've never been there) and follows a group of gay men (with a couple of token lesbians) who live . . . well, like most evangelical right-wing preachers imagine gay men to live. They go out clubbing every night, engage in frequent anonymous sex in the club's bathroom, and take drugs like there's no tomorrow. The whole thing is rather disconcerting- if you're going to make a TV show that purports to be about the lives of gay men, why would you utilise all of the negative stereotypes that have come to be associated with the gay community? I can understand why a party-hard lifestyle would be the most dramatically convenient - after all, it's more interesting to watch a bunch of hot men dance around shirtless than it is to watch them argue about whether they should get pizza or Chinese for dinner - but all the same, having your characters behave in willfully destructive ways doesn't exactly assay the commonplace prejudices that people hold. Obviously it's not the show's responsibility to explain Why Being Gay Is Not Destructive - it's a soap opera, not an educational program - but the way it portrays the "gay lifestyle" leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Of course, if the characters were intelligent, likeable people, their self-destructive behaviour wouldn't look quite as bad as it does. But they really, really aren't. Take, for example, our lead: Brian Kinney, a douchebag of the first order who fucks his way through five people a night, then picks up a seventeen-year-old jailbait virgin and sleeps with him. Now, part of the program's central conceit is that Brian

a douchebag and proud of it, but his friends and lovers don't fare much better. There's the aforementioned jailbait (Justin) who, after sleeping with Brian a few times, steals his credit card and runs away to New York; Emmett, the campiest of campy gays, who never really gets any kind of serious plot; Ted, a certified accountant and certifiable moron, who falls into a drug-induced coma after taking GHB offered to him by the complete stranger he brought home for sex; and Michael, the only remotely levelheaded one of the group. There's also secondary characters, like Melanie and Lindsey, the lesbian couple who are raising a baby together (a baby created using Brian's sperm - for some unfathomable reason, they wanted their child to share his genetic material) only to break up midway through season one. There's no real reason for their breakup - they suddenly started fighting, then Melanie went out and slept with someone else, and then she moved out. Of course, they get back together by the time the season ends, but thanks to spoilers, I already know that they repeat the make-up/break-up cycle several more times before the series is through. What exactly does it say about these characters (and the community they're supposed to be representing) when the one supposedly stable couple are in a state of perpetual warfare? Then there's Michael's mother and uncle, probably the only sane characters on the show, who exist mostly to dispense advice; Justin's mother, who is initially shocked by her son's coming-out but grows to accept him; and various love interests who drift in and out as the plot requires. Again, the main characters all behave in ways that makes the viewer want to yell "What the fuck are you DOING, you morons?" at the screen, whilst the secondary ones have their heads screwed on right. The fact that the sane characters all seem to be the straight ones (with the exception of Michael's uncle) probably owes more to the fact that their actions don't drive the plot; but all the same, having your gay characters behave stupidly while their straight friends advise them seems more than a little hinky.

The storyline that fans of the series seem to be the most invested in is Brian and Justin's tumultous relationship, which I find slightly squicky. When it begins, Justin is all of seventeen, and while a lot of seventeen-year-olds are sexually active, they hopefully aren't out losing their virginity to a twenty-nine-year-old stranger who picked them up off a street corner. While Justin's certainly willing to sleep with Brian, and repeatedly instigates meetings between them, I can't be the only one who finds the age gap slightly icky. I mean, Brian

drives him to school

for fuck's sake. That's what parents do, not boyfriends. Of course, Justin's father objects, and while his objection is rooted in homophobia rather than parental concern, I have to agree with him a bit. Note to any teenagers reading this: the older guy (or girl) who picked you up for sex does not love you.You are not going to embark on a life-changing relationship with you. They are going to fuck you, and dump you, and you're just lucky if you don't get any souveniers in the form of STDs. And that goes for both straight and gay encounters.

If you're wondering why I haven't mentioned any

bisexual characters

, that's because there aren't any. Or rather, there aren't any who identify as such- there are several who

could

be considered bi, but they all ID as gay. In fact, the word "bisexual" is never uttered at all. I'm not accusing the writers of deliberate biphobia so much as thoughtlessness. "Of

course

there are no bisexual men; why whould there be?" Never mind the episode where Justin sleeps with his female friend in a plotline of epic stupidity (she decides that she wants to lose her virginity, so she asks him to do it) or the storyline in a later season where Lindsey (the femmier woman, because naturally she's more likely to sleep with men *sigh*) has sex with a man - they're all gay, gay, gay, with no exceptions. The only possible *canon* bisexual character - and he only gets that honour because his sexuality is never defined - is Justin's homophobic classmate, who sleeps with multiple girls, but also allows Justin to give him a handjob. But since the season ends with him cracking Justin over the head with a baseball bat and sending him to the ER, I'd really rather not think about the implications there. Never mind that, as previously discussed, they have the opportunity to show the full spectrum of sexuality here; there are NO BISEXUALS on this show. Case closed. Now let's get back to our not-at-all-stereotypical gay men!

And now I'm going to take off my Cranky Bisexual hat and put on my Cranky Feminist one. The premise is the series lends itself to being a bit of a sausage-fest, so it's to the creator's credit that female characters are included. Unfortunately, they aren't handled very well at all. There's the aforementioned Lindsey and Melanie, who are meant to be something of a stabilising influence on the men (Lindsey is an old friend of Brian's.) They don't share in the hard partying or drug using; they've settled down in a nice house with their baby. As a result, they don't really get many storylines outside of their domestic troubles. The stuff that happens to them tends to be more serious and related to the struggles faced by gay couples - Melanie not being allowed to see her son when he's in the hospital with a fever, for example. They're extremely bound up in their motherhood, to the point where they're practically defined by it. Not only that, but they fall into the traditional butch/femme dichotomy - Melanie, the "less feminine" (she has short hair and wears pants) is the breadwinner, while Lindsey (long hair, skirts, makeup) gives birth and stays home to raise the kid. While the show isn't all that great at portraying anyone, you'd think they would make some effort with the only lesbians on the show. Of course, the non-lesbian women don't fare much better. There's Michael's aforementioned mother, Debbie, who is probably the most awesome character on the show. She exists primarily to hand out advice, and take care of everyone- Justin moves in with her after his parents (and Brian) kick him out, and her HIV-positive brother lives with her as well. Because of this, she never really gets to have her own identity. She's so bound up in her son's life, and the lives of his friends, that she isn't a real person- just a prop for the men to lean on. Then there's Justin's friend Daphne, who stays relatively sane for most of the season only to fall apart when she loses her virginity to Justin (which is just weird in and of itself - how many women think "Hmm, I want to have sex - I'll go ask my gay friend if he'll help!") and promptly starts crushing on him, complete with a patronizing speech from Lindsey and Melanie explaining that women are incapable of separating emotion from sex. No, really. No,

really

. Lastly, there's Justin's mother, who spends most of the season being tugged between her husband and her son. That's four female characters, and not one gets to have an identity that isn't defined (or at least heavily influenced) by the men in her life. I know this show is about gay men, not women, but they could've at least made an effort.

I rag on this show a lot, but it's entertaining despite (or perhaps because of) its flaws. By the time the season had ended, I was genuinely invested in what happened to the characters, even though they do seem to bring a lot of their problems on themselves. I was even somewhat charmed by Brian and Justin, though I remain squicked at the age gap (he went to his

prom

. Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh.) I am now anxiously awaiting the second season from the library, which will no doubt be similarily filled with recklessness, stupdity, and stereotypes. It's a bumpy ride to be sure, but damn if it isn't a fun one.Themes:

TV & Movies

Minority Warrior

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~Comments (

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Andy G

at 14:44 on 2009-12-17

They go out clubbing every night, engage in frequent anonymous sex in the club's bathroom, and take drugs like there's no tomorrow. The whole thing is rather disconcerting- if you're going to make a TV show that purports to be about the lives of gay men, why would you utilise all of the negative stereotypes that have come to be associated with the gay community?

The negative stereotyping has two components: the first is to assert that all gay men behave in a certain way, the second is to characterise that behaviour as negative. It's important to challenge the first by showing that most gay men live very different lives. But if you only do that, you haven't challenged the assumption that gay men who DO behave in that way are doing something bad - you're only defending people who conform more closely to what right-wing preachers consider acceptable.

There ARE lots of gay men who engage in frequent anonymous sex, take drugs, go clubbing and have relationships with large age gaps, and while I don't live like that myself, it is a way people really do live that deserves dramatic representation. It's not clear to me in advance that the values and assumptions it entails can just be dismissed out of hand.

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Sister Magpie

at 14:46 on 2009-12-17

Because of this, she never really gets to have her own identity. She's so bound up in her son's life, and the lives of his friends, that she isn't a real person- just a prop for the men to lean on.

It's been a while since I've seen this show and don't seem to remember it much (which probably doesn't say much about either it or me), but I do remember this about Debbie, and that it was one reason I definitely never saw her as the awesome character on the show. I seem to remember finding her insufferably annoying by the end of the series. And I remember thinking Emmett was the best person on it. Did he take drugs? I seem to remember him specifically not doing that.

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Melissa G.

at 15:57 on 2009-12-17

Did he take drugs?

Well...once. But that was during Ted's addict stage, and he was very against it but kind of gave in to try and make Addict!Ted happy and afterward clearly regretted doing it.

I've seen all but the last season of Queer as Folk, and if you think about it too much, it does make you want to pull your hair out at their behavior. Mostly I feel like you have to take it as a rather crack soap opera that gets more and more ridiculous as it goes on.

I can't be the only one who finds the age gap slightly icky.

You definitely aren't! I always found their relationship somewhat icky. I much preferred Michael and Ben's relationship to Brian and Justin's. Even though Ben/Michael have their own crazy. I even liked Justin and the violin player he dated for a while during the time he and Brian were broken up. They seemed like a much better couple...until said violin player basically screwed up.

I agree with pretty much all the problems you had with the show. I had the same thoughts. I also found the lesbian relationship poor represented. And, it is odd that there are no bisexuals on the show. Part of me wonders if the show is so over the top because of how it came about. From what I understand, someone basically said, "Well, that show [Queer as Folk] would never be able to be made in America!" and the creator of American QaF said, "Oh, yeah?!"

Actually, I found on youtube some time ago clips of the British show followed by the same scene in the American show, and it's rather telling. The American version is much more sexualized and visually provocative while the British version seemed rather more down-to-earth (please correct me if I'm wrong on this - I haven't seen the British version fully).

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Sister Magpie

at 18:03 on 2009-12-17I remember when The L Word started I thought, "Why am I watching this, since the lesbian characters on QaF were the most boring?" But then I got sucked into it--even though that show had its own brand of craziness.

I thought the weirdest thing about QaF was the end of the Brian/Justin storyline--or Brian's storyline in general.

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Viorica

at 20:28 on 2009-12-17

But if you only do that, you haven't challenged the assumption that gay men who DO behave in that way are doing something bad

At the risk of starting a completely off-topic discussion, isn't taking drugs (drugs like ecstacy and crystal meth, that is) kind of always a bad thing?

Did he take drugs?

There's a mention of him taking some sort of drug with him when they all went to New York- some kind of stimulant? I think he snorted it.

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Andy G

at 22:42 on 2009-12-17

At the risk of starting a completely off-topic discussion, isn't taking drugs (drugs like ecstacy and crystal meth, that is) kind of always a bad thing?

Well, ecstasy is considerably less harmful than crystal meth for a start. But I think the question of whether drugs ARE bad is slightly irrelevant. A sympathetic portrayal of people in good literature or film involves doing due justice to what is positive and legitimate about their choices and values, without necessarily heavy-handedly endorsing them but certainly without making didactic judgements. Drug use is a part of many hedonistic lifestyles and there are stories to be told about those people that don't involve their lives being irrevocably ruined by drugs.

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Arthur B

at 23:19 on 2009-12-17

A sympathetic portrayal of people in good literature or film involves doing due justice to what is positive and legitimate about their choices and values, without necessarily heavy-handedly endorsing them but certainly without making didactic judgements.

But doesn't this also entail being honest about the downsides to their choices? I have not seen either the US or the British version of

Queer As Folk

, but if either of them actually

present crystal meth use as a big lark which doesn't have damaging consequences for anyone involved I find that more than a little alarming. (I'm pretty confident that Russell T Davies wouldn't write such a thing, actually, but I don't completely trust American TV writers to do the same.) Crystal meth is a fucking menace, and presenting it on a par with ecstasy is downright irresponsible, whether it entails overhyping the risks of ecstasy or downplaying the risks of crystal meth.

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Melissa G.

at 23:49 on 2009-12-17

if either of them actually do present crystal meth use as a big lark which doesn't have damaging consequences for anyone involved I find that more than a little alarming.

There was a long arc about Ted getting addicted to crystal, and it showed how incredibly destructive that addiction was. He lost everything due to his addiction and had to work very hard to get over it and regain the trust of his friends - in particular Emmett, who was the most hurt by his addiction. And in the first season, he does OD and almost die, and everyone made a big deal of that.

I did get the feeling from the series however, that drugs are okay if you use them responsibly - including things like ecstasy. Which I'm not sure I can totally feel okay about. There is a lot of danger in using ecstasy too. It may not be quite as destructive as crystal, but it sure as hell isn't a safe practice. And it's irresponsible to show it as such, in my opinion.

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Arthur B

at 00:10 on 2009-12-18Yeah, the problem with saying "drugs are OK if you use them responsibly" is that it's a statement which is completely true, but also completely unhelpful. The "responsible" way to use some drugs might to be

not to use them at all

. And I'm sure most people, when they start using drugs

think

they're being responsible. They may or may not be correct, but if they're not correct, by the time they realise it might be too late to avoid addiction.

I am pleased that Queer As Folk US is disapproving of meth though.

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Andy G

at 00:20 on 2009-12-18

But doesn't this also entail being honest about the downsides to their choices?

In the words of Peep Show, I think you need to be honest but not necessarily brutally honest. As neither of us have seen the show, it's pretty hard to tell if it gets it right, but I do think in principle a show can feature (dangerous) drug use without having to punish the characters with consequences.

The kind of thing I have in mind for instance: it's OK to show characters in a 1940s period piece smoking and looking a bit glamorous, and not necessarily getting lung cancer. Or a film about hedonistic 70s rock stars which made reference to their drug use as part of the portrayal of their lives, but didn't show any of them getting addicted or hurt.

As it happens, I think someone actually dies of a drug overdose in the British version. I believe in the American show he doesn't die but it's still a traumatic event. So the consequences are in fact shown. I guess even sympathetic portrayals need to show downsides to the lives/choices/values in any case, otherwise there'd be a distinct lack of drama and plot.

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Melissa G.

at 01:02 on 2009-12-18

I am pleased that Queer As Folk US is disapproving of meth though.

Actually, now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure the recreational drug use really subsided after Season 1. (Maybe as a reaction to Ted's OD?) If I remember correctly, Brian (and maybe Justin sometimes) were the only recreational drug users in the later seasons. And even those instances seemed few and far between. But it's been a while since I saw the series so maybe I just deluded myself into thinking this...

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Andy G

at 02:06 on 2009-12-18I always had the impression that ecstasy was pretty harmless for the vast majority of people taking it. Though that's slightly beside the point - I think there has to be a certain degree of leeway for people things in fiction getting away with things that might not be possible or advisable in real life.

It's all slightly beside the point which I was originally trying to make - I don't think that just because gay men are shown using drugs, this automaticaly qualifies it as a portrayal of a negative image of them. Even if on balance they'd probably be better off not doing drugs.

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Melissa G.

at 02:21 on 2009-12-18

I always had the impression that ecstasy was pretty harmless for the vast majority of people taking it.

For the vast majority maybe, but there are people who have died from their first ever hit of ecstasy because they bought it from people who didn't make properly/added something to it that they shouldn't have. (This is speaking from internet research rather than personal experience).

While I agree that it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative portrayal, I feel like you'd be hard pressed to find drug-users (and I mean those who use harder drugs like ecstasy/heroin/coke/meth) who will tell you how much drug use enhanced and enriched their lives. Most of the time drug use leads to badness, and that's why people quit. So it seems like if you're going to have drug users in literature/media, they should at some point either suffer from the usage or mature out of it somehow. But perhaps this is just my straight-edge-ness talking.

Erg, sorry for the off-topicness.

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Sister Magpie

at 03:52 on 2009-12-18

Yeah, the problem with saying "drugs are OK if you use them responsibly" is that it's a statement which is completely true, but also completely unhelpful. The "responsible" way to use some drugs might to be not to use them at all. And I'm sure most people, when they start using drugs think they're being responsible. They may or may not be correct, but if they're not correct, by the time they realise it might be too late to avoid addiction

I often think about something like this, the best way to present it. Because I often feel like the way TV usually shows drugs is just as unhelpful. Like where someone tries pot, and by sweeps they're out of control, but in a still-attractive way, and their friends are all concerned (but not angry or fed up the way you can quickly get with an addict). Mackenzie Phillips guest stars as a therapist and then he goes into rehab for a special ep and he's okay.

Because the problem with the idea that doing a single hit of anything makes you an addict is if a kid tries something and that doesn't happen they're navigating the reality on their own. The reality is more complicated--there are people who have done drugs at times but don't become addicted--but addiction is real and everyone should seriously fear it. Unfortunately it's also bad in a way that a lot of TV doesn't want to do too realistically because it makes characters unlikable. (Note: Certain drugs can't really be recreational. If you're doing crystal meth, for instance, you're in trouble, period.)

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Andy G

at 11:48 on 2009-12-18Let's put this another way: I take it as a given that violence is, in general, both morally bad and unhelpful as a solution. But I wouldn't want to say that a "glamorous" depiction of violence in film or TV is necessarily bad - I think that would be overly simplistic and would lead to some very dull films.

I would like to distinguish between two things though:

a) A positive portrayal of people who use drugs. It is possible to honestly show that these people use drugs without that necessarily equating to a negative portrayal of those people.

b) A positive or negative portrayal of their drug use.

The objection I had to the article was that it assumed (a) was impossible and that presenting the mere true fact that a certain subculture of gay men have anonymous sex, use drugs etc. amounted to a negative portrayal of them.

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Andy G

at 11:59 on 2009-12-18Incidentally:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/the-big-question-how-dangerous-is-ecstasy-and-is-there-a-case-to-review-its-legal-status-767817.html

Not that I would or do use ecstasy. I don't even drink alcohol. But I really don't think it can be categorised alongside crystal meth.

I've just remembered the Oxford LGBT Soc was accused in one of the student papers of being a sordid den of crystal meth addicts.

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Wardog

at 13:21 on 2009-12-18

I've just remembered the Oxford LGBT Soc was accused in one of the student papers of being a sordid den of crystal meth addicts.

Oh I remember this - I was most annoyed, not least because not only was I NEVER offered crystal meth while at LGBT (or rather LGB as it was in my day) events but I didn't even get laid =P

I was quite intrigued by this article actually as I've only seen the British version - which I remember rather enjoying, as soapy fun anyway.

This snags at me slightly - in an interested way, I mean, not a critical one. I suppose, perhaps, it depends on who we establish as the target audience of QaF. I mean, yes, possibly a straight person would watch it and read out of it a confirmation of their worst 'fears' about the so-called homosexual lifestyle. But presumably it's *also* perfectly possible to read it as nothing more than sexy hyperbole - I mean there's nothing *inherently* wrong with taking drugs and having anonymous sex, is there? And I think it's an aspect of the culture that we've all brushed up against, maybe even partially participated in at certain times of our life ... again I'm talking about the British version here but actually it's both fun and meaningful to see its excesses explored 'safely' on TV.

To be more specific, like Sister Magpie I *really* enjoy The L Word. I think I even I wrote an article to the effect that it's a *terrible* portrayal of lesbian relationships and I think it's also fairly easy to argue the target audience of it is straight men BUT actually I do find it rather titillating. It's about hot women behaving badly, having lots of sex, and living a super fantasy lesbian lifestyle that does actually appeal - even if we know it's not necessarily 'realistic' - to a lot of gay women.

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Andy G

at 13:48 on 2009-12-18

But presumably it's *also* perfectly possible to read it as nothing more than sexy hyperbole - I mean there's nothing *inherently* wrong with taking drugs and having anonymous sex, is there? And I think it's an aspect of the culture that we've all brushed up against, maybe even partially participated in at certain times of our life ... again I'm talking about the British version here but actually it's both fun and meaningful to see its excesses explored 'safely' on TV.

Yes! That's exactly it.

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Arthur B

at 15:53 on 2009-12-18It should also be remembered that drugs and anonymous sex are not exactly foreign to certain quarters of the heterosexual experience either, and I'm sure we can all think of shows which depict a fantasy heterosexual lifestyle involving plenty of both.

On the one hand, obviously the portrayal of gay people (or any minority) on TV has to be dealt with sensitively, because it is very easy to mistake a statement about a gay character or a set of gay characters for a statement about homosexuality in general, whereas there are a vast plethora of different portrayals of straight people on TV so one particular take on the straight clubbing scene carries less baggage with it. On the other hand, people like watching shows about young sexy party people doing young sexy party things. Anyone who objects to depictions of gay people doing that sort of thing either a) is the sort of person who just plain objects to that sort of thing in the first place, in which case they're just prudish or b) simply doesn't like gay people, in which case they're bigoted. I don't think any TV show ever stopped people being prudish or bigoted, and I don't think the Queer as Folk or L Word writers have a special responsibility to worry about how genuinely hostile people would view their shows, because people who want to find things to object to will find things to object to.

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Andy G

at 16:36 on 2009-12-18

On the one hand, obviously the portrayal of gay people (or any minority) on TV has to be dealt with sensitively

As long as that doesn't mean timidly.

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Arthur B

at 17:18 on 2009-12-18Oh, absolutely. There's a difference between due care and needless cowardice.

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Melissa G.

at 17:20 on 2009-12-18

But I really don't think it can be categorised alongside crystal meth.

Here's the problem with ecstasy, and this is the last I'll say about it. What most people buy as "ecstasy" is not pure ecstasy, that is the say the chemical compound of MDMA, which in itself is not very dangerous. MDMA is very difficult to find/make, so many ecstasy sellers are actually giving you either a) a little MDMA mixed with things like amphetamine, methamphetamine, ephedrine, caffeine or b) something with no MDMA in it at all. Caffeine might not be dangerous to you but amphetamines and methamphetamines certainly are.

As for whether a drug user can be portrayed positive or negatively, Andy G., I actually agree with what you said here:

I do think it's possible to have a character who does drugs and isn't portrayed negatively, but I would be a little nervous if his "drug use" wasn't portrayed negatively. Though this would also relate to how hard of a user he is, what kinds of drugs he uses, etc. Like, I have no problem with a bunch of high school slackers being shown to use pot. It's realistic and not very dangerous. But if someone starts taking pills or snorting something up his/her nose, I think you have to be more careful.

As far as QaF goes, the drug use bothered me in the beginning, and then it seemed to become less of an overwhelming factor in their behavior so I kind of ignored the few references to it.

Sorry if this all sounds rambling; I may have a fever....

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Rami

at 18:50 on 2009-12-18

MDMA is very difficult to find/make, so many ecstasy sellers are actually giving you either a) a little MDMA mixed with things like amphetamine, methamphetamine, ephedrine, caffeine or b) something with no MDMA in it at all

Is it? I'd thought it was relatively simple -- I've read that crystal meth is relatively easy to 'cook' up, for instance.

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Melissa G.

at 19:44 on 2009-12-18MDMA (Methylenedioxymethamphetamine)is a type of methamphetamine, but I think it's different to what makes up crystal meth.

Unfortunately, I'm definitely not a scientist so I can't totally understand the difference in the chemical compounds that make up the two. If someone else has a better grip on it, I'd love to hear it explained in layman's terms. I think it has something to do with the fact that ecstasy requires "safrole" (sassafras extract) and that the safrole has to be manipulated to make MDMA by using piperonyl acetone. I don't really know what all that means, personally, but it's apparently difficult to do or at least it's difficult to obtain the materials needed to create MDMA. A quick skim of the internet tells me that there are a lot of stories about failures to make it. Maybe it's not so much that it's difficult to make, but that it's difficult to make for someone who's not a good chemist. All I do know for sure is that what most people are buying on the street is not going to be pure ecstasy.

Here's

a link to the wiki article about MDMA

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Rami

at 20:05 on 2009-12-18The internets say it's 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and from what little chemistry I know, that 3,4 is actually significant ;-) So I'd guess it's quite easy to make substances that are very very close but don't quite work? In any case, we're digressing...

I'm impressed to see that we've all been well-educated by the "It's cool to say NO to drugs" campaigns, though :-)

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Melissa G.

at 20:09 on 2009-12-18

that 3,4 is actually significant

Ah, I wondered whether to include that or not. Shows how little I remember of my chemistry, lol.

And yes, we're digressing...sorry about that, everyone.

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Arthur B

at 22:19 on 2009-12-18The difference between methamphetamine and MDMA is thus: methamphetamine is methamphetamine, plain and simple, nothing fancy added to the structure, as seen

here

. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine is methamphetaine with extra stuff added to the chemical structure (the "methylenedioxy" bit). The "3,4" indicates that the methylenedioxy unit is bonded to the methamphetamine ring at a specific position on amphetamine's ring structure.

So, making methamphetamine is fairly simple, as far as chemical synthesis goes; you have several options for starting materials and the ways you can go about it. But MDMA is more complex, so your options are more limited.

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http://orionsnebula.blogspot.com/

at 05:43 on 2009-12-19It seems to me that whenever a bigot says in an accusatory way "group X are Y" there are at least two responses sensible people will want to make namely, "are not!" and "so what?"

This is what makes bigots so frustrating to debate against, because in a sound-bite confrontation it's almost impossible to reject one without appearing to accept the other.

In fiction though, it seems perfectly sufficient to rebut one or the other in a given story. So I think there's probably a place in the world for a story that gave a poignat and sympathetic portrayal of crowd of stereotypical swingin' hard-partyin' musical-theatre-lovin' fashion-conscious gay guys. Besides being entertaining and ideally a reasonable portrayal of a subculture of the gay community, it might convince one or two people that gay men aren't really that bad.

It sounds like this isn't that show, especially as destructive and unlikable as the characters sound, and with the writing apparently uneven, but I don't think making a story about stereotypical gay men is necessarily negative. (Though it should still have female characters).

The easiest way to pull it off would be for your hard-partiers to be lovable rogues of the dashing, rascally sort that gets a pass in fiction for plenty of ill-advised heterosexual adventures. There is, admittedly, a risk of lapsing into a kind of gaysploitation--if one glamorized the association of drugs and queerness, for instance, I imagine that would be as offensive as similar tactics in blaxploitation.

That said, blaxploitation is (and here I risk major racefail by opining on something I know little about) especially problematic because one audiences "celebrate" aspects of black life that aren't necessarily chosen by black people as good in themselves, but rather a consequence of the poverty and systematic discrimination that many black people suffer. I'm not aware of similar issues with gay stereotypes (though I'm sure they exist). To the extent that, say, gay men really do become designers and hardressers, for instance, (I assume much less than the stereotypical, but more than the general population), it's not because they were historically forced out of other industries.

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Andy G

at 12:13 on 2009-12-19

It sounds like this isn't that show, especially as destructive and unlikable as the characters sound

One thing to remember about QaF is that it is written from within a gay perspective for a gay audience to celebrate (a certain aspect of) gay life. I think that's an important distinction from the way that other shows appropriated images of black or gay people.

If anything, one of the problems I had with the British QaF was that it just didn't engage with homophobia - all of the homophobes were cardboard cut-outs with transparently bigoted views. But possibly it's because the aim was to create a fantasy world into which those kind of views couldn't get admittance.

I'm not sure I found the characters destructive and unlikable, though it's hard to tell how much that applies to the American version. I think the fact that it wasn't concerned to pander to homophobes made it defiant and unapologetic, which perhaps means there isn't much of a "way in" if you disapprove of certain aspects of what's going on (e.g. drug-taking).

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Viorica

at 15:30 on 2009-12-19

it's a *terrible* portrayal of lesbian relationships and I think it's also fairly easy to argue the target audience of it is straight men BUT actually I do find it rather titillating. It's about hot women behaving badly, having lots of sex, and living a super fantasy lesbian lifestyle that does actually appeal

Switch the pronouns, and that's a pretty accurate description of QAF. Which is my main issue with it- even leaving out the stereotypes, it's a dreadful portrayal of gay men and their lives. That, and there's nothing to balance the characters who act in extremely destructive ways (BRIAN); there isn't anyone who manages to have any kind of stable life, except

maybe

Michael. And without any stable characters, it kind of fails on the representation front.

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Wardog

at 16:36 on 2009-12-19

Switch the pronouns, and that's a pretty accurate description of QAF. Which is my main issue with it- even leaving out the stereotypes, it's a dreadful portrayal of gay men and their lives.

Not to put words in anybody's mouth or anything but I think that's Andy's point - it's probably a terrible portrayal of gay men and their lives to a bisexual woman but that judgement comes from being *way outside* the target audience.

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Andy G

at 17:27 on 2009-12-19

Feel free to put words in my mouth! You generally manage to say what I want to say far more eloquently and less pompously.

I guess QaF is just not trying to *justify* the type of lifestyle it portrays to people for whom that justification might not be obvious - it takes the fact of the existence of a certain kind of gay lifestyle as a starting point, as a world in which certain behaviours and assumptions are naturalised. It isn't making an argument for those assumptions but presenting a confident picture of that world to assert an identity.

Of course, I haven't seen the American version of QaF, so all I have to go on is what you said in your article. I'm not really sure how much more I can say that isn't vacuously hypothetical!

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Melissa G.

at 17:57 on 2009-12-19For what it's worth, my gay male friends all seem to love American QaF. But I never really talked with them at length about how they felt concerning the stereotypes and portrayals. When I watched the show together with them, it didn't really come up, but that doesn't mean they didn't notice or think about it.

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Viorica

at 20:33 on 2009-12-19

comes from being *way outside* the target audience.

Very true, and I do freely admit to coming to the show with some- privilege, I guess I'd call it?- since I'm not actually a gay man. It just feels kind of uncomfortable for a show what purports to be a representation of gay men and their lives to have those lives be frequently messed up. It's sort of like what I feel (to a far greater extent, seeing as how QAF is fictional and dosn't try to claim otherwise) about Tila Tequila. But I am sorry if I've offended anyone.

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Andy G

at 21:31 on 2009-12-19I'm not offended in the slightest, I just wanted to highlight a few points where I think we differ. But I don't think I have anything more to add, so I'll shut up now.

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Wardog

at 22:27 on 2009-12-19I wasn't offended either (not that I had any right to be anyway =P), I was just interested - I didn't mean to suggest your criticisms were inappropriate or invalid, or anything like that.

I guess there are similar issues with The L Word - in that a show that's supposed to be about the lives of gay women, you think they'd be less PSYCHO about everything.

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Jamie Johnston

at 23:16 on 2009-12-19Like Kyra, I found it interesting to read this article and reach back to my rather vague memories of the British series. Pretty much every plot development you mention rings a bell, so I guess that's stayed similar.

Interestingly, I really don't remember drugs featuring to any significant extent in the British version. Now let's bear in mind it's been, what, at least ten years since I watched it, so there may have been drugs, but the fact that I've completely forgotten any such element suggests to me that I didn't register drug-use as an important part of their portrayal of the gay 'scene' in Manchester in the late '90s.

I also don't remember the lesbian couple breaking up; but on the other hand they were, as in the US series, utterly peripheral and so it's quite possible that they did and I just don't remember because it didn't matter to the plot. Nor, though perhaps for just the same reason, do I really remember one being noticeably more masculine than the other. But I do have a sort of recollection that one of the two was portrayed as a very stable and down-to-earth character who disapproved of Brian's (if that was his name in the British version also - at any rate the one played by the dark-haired chap who later played the Irish politician in

The wire

) behaviour.

I definitely don't remember Justin and Daphne (again I can't remember whether the names were the same in the British version) sleeping together, and I'll go so far as to say that I'm pretty sure that didn't happen. That just sounds bizarre.

My recollection of the end of the series (er,

spoilers

, if we haven't already passed that stage long ago) is that Brian is eventually persuaded that his relationship with Justin isn't healthy and redeems himself a bit by deliberately showing himself to Justin as a bit pathetic and past-it, which empowers Justin to get over him and make his own way as a more self-confident 'out' young gay man. I don't really know whether that's a good message or not. In a way it's a bit of a cop-out: it does acknowledge their relationship as problematic, but it also shows it as a positive thing in as much as it ends in Brian becoming a better person and Justin being empowered. Hmm.

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Jamie Johnston

at 23:17 on 2009-12-19PS: What on earth do people in North America make of the title? It must seem completely nonsensical, surely?

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Andy G

at 23:31 on 2009-12-19The British version was much shorter, so there are lots more plot developments in the American show.

Stuart (Brian in the American version) isn't in a relationship with Nathan (Justin) at the end, but Nathan has a crush on Stuart that's holding him back, so in a weirdly altruistic act he finally agrees to sleep with Nathan and pretends to be pathetic and past-it.

Weird fact: Stuart (Justin) is played by Aidan Gillen, a.k.a. Tommy Carcetti in The Wire!

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Melissa G.

at 23:34 on 2009-12-19I don't remember thinking much of the title at all, but someone told me it came off of "Queer as Fuck", but I'm not sure where that came from either....

I'm pretty sure the British and American shows veer off from each other quite a bit. There might be some plot lines in the first season/series that match up, but like the American version of The Office, it becomes its own show after that. Brian and Justin's relationship is not really treated the same, it sounds like.

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Jamie Johnston

at 23:35 on 2009-12-19

The title is a pun off of the phrase "Queer as Fuck" is it not? That's the explanation I was given, I think.

Gosh, no. There's an old phrase from Northern England, originating before the 'gay' connotation of 'queer', that runs 'There's nowt as queer as folk' ('There's nothing as strange as people', i.e. 'People are strange'). It's the sort of thing you'd say at the end of a gossipy conversation about your odd friends or neighbours.

My school-friends and I used to call the TV series 'Half a Yorkshire phrase'. I dare say we thought that was rather witty, but I guess really we were embarrassed to say 'queer' frequently in conversation when we chatted about each weeks' episode.

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Jamie Johnston

at 23:36 on 2009-12-19Corrigendum:

weeks'

week's

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Melissa G.

at 23:37 on 2009-12-19

Gosh, no. There's an old phrase from Northern England, originating before the 'gay' connotation of 'queer', that runs 'There's nowt as queer as folk'

Haha, yeah, so whoever told me that was majorly confused. Though apparently "Queer as Fuck" (according to the internets) was the original idea for a title to the show so maybe that's where the confusion came from.

Sorry, I reposted that comment to edit it...

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Melissa G.

at 23:41 on 2009-12-19Sorry, not "the original title", just something they referred to it as in pre-production. Damn it, Melissa, read more carefully!

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http://orionsnebula.blogspot.com/

at 00:35 on 2009-12-20Speaking as a North American, I know I've heard "queer as folk" before, but I admit I generally assumed that "queer as fuck" was the effect they were going for.

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Sister Magpie

at 00:40 on 2009-12-20Speaking as yet another North American, I think I knew it was a slang phrase. I distinctly remember knowing that it was short for "there's nowt queer as folk" but I don't know where I ever heard that phrase.

The Stuart/Nathan line definitely ended differently. The ending of Brian is one of the oddest things I could imagine. He basically seemed to have gotten to the point where he was ready to bow out gracefully and then his friends convinced him that no, he could be Brian forever! Except that of course he couldn't. So it was like it ended with him becoming pathetic because of peer pressure. Very bizarre.

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Andy G

at 00:55 on 2009-12-20I have been inspired to rewatch the British version. Stuart does indeed take "ecstasy" in the first episode, and it turns out to be dodgy. It is played for laughs though.

The entire series is on 4oD for anyone else who wishes to procrastinate!

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Melissa G.

at 01:49 on 2009-12-20

Here's

a YouTube video that shows scenes of the British and American versions back to back. It's pretty interesting. Unfortunately I couldn't find the one that contrasted the Brian/Justin seduction scene with the Stuart/Nathan one...

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Melissa G.

at 01:53 on 2009-12-20Oh! I lie.

Here

it is.

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Viorica

at 04:45 on 2009-12-20Wow, the comments exposded while I was away. :D

I didn't mean to suggest your criticisms were inappropriate or invalid, or anything like that.

Oh, I didn't think you were- I just figured that talking about Why This Is Bad when the show isn't aimed at me/my demographic could potentially annoy someone.

Re: Brian and Justin. They do eventually end up together, no? As I recall (from spoilers, as I haven't gotten to season five yet) they decide not to get married, but to stay together as a couple.

What on earth do people in North America make of the title?

Honestly, I'm not sure. Most people probably figure that the point of the title is to have "queer" in there and just leave it at that.

one of the two was portrayed as a very stable and down-to-earth character who disapproved of Brian's behaviour.

Yep, that's Melanie. The butch/femme dynamic between them is relatively subtle- they haven't got one of them as a drag king or anything- but Melanie's got short hair and dresses sensibly while Lindsey had long hair, and is a bit dressier.

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Andy G

at 02:12 on 2009-12-22Don't want to re-open this discussion, but just finished re-watching the rather fab British series and just wanted to flag up the way drug issues are handled in the series:

******Spoilers********

Epsiode 1: Stuart takes "ecstasy" and it is spiked. He wrecks his flat (to comic effect admittedly).

Episode 3: Stuart and Vince take coke. Phil takes coke and dies.

Episode 4: Phil's mother delivers stinging comments about drug use in the gay community at his funeral.

I think that gives a rather fair portrayal of the consequences of drug use without being too preachy or didactic, and without condemning the people who use it (while still being critical). I don't know how this compares to the US series.

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Viorica

at 00:36 on 2010-01-03I got the second season out of the library (what can I say? It's addictive) and 2x03 actually has an episode where they invent a gay-themed show called "Gay as Blazes" which Brian mocks for being an overly sedate and non-sexualised portrayal of gay people. I really have to admire their sheer ballsiness. Either that, or they're just being wanky.

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Viorica

at 00:43 on 2010-01-03Oh! And the episode also features a gay author who editorializes about the creepy age gap in Brian and Justin's relationship. Somehow, I get this feeling that they recieved some criticism. :P

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Wardog

at 15:39 on 2010-01-19Hehe, sorry to drag this up *again* but it's interesting - I've just started re-watching the British version which, as Andy says, is indeed rather fab. I have to say I, err, I err, find Stuart / Nathan ... non-squicky

Maybe I'm just completely tasteless and missing the point but I actually think the portrayal of the sex and the relationship (such as it is) is pretty balanced between the positive and the negative. I see it neither has overly fantastic, nor overly condemnatory if that makes sense - I mean, yes, there's an element of fantasy there but it's largely the fantasy of the two involved parties - Stuart gets off on it because it helps him re-affirm both his youth and transgressiveness, especially after the birth of his son (notice he only gets 'properly' into Justin after he learns his age) - and for Nathan you *bet* it's a fantasy - he loses his virginity to a hot, 'sophistcated' older man. Even the dropping him off at school sequence feeds into this - it's still part of the joint fantasy.

I know they are, to an extent, exploiting each other but that mutuality, to me, it what de-squicks it.

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Arthur B

at 15:52 on 2010-01-19Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but didn't the original series come out before the age of consent for homosexual men was lowered to 16 (in line with the heterosexual age of consent in the UK), or at least very, very shortly after it? If that's the case (and if Nathan is 16ish in the show) then RTD may have been very specifically trying to address that issue through the show.

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Wardog

at 16:02 on 2010-01-19He's pretty definitely 15... and I'm not arguing it's, y'know, a positive portrayal of underage homosexual sex but I think what it does depict very nicely is that it's *complex*.

#Ferretbrain #Viorica #Queer as Folk #Minority Warrior

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infernalkrp · 6 years ago

Photo

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. BAN, Edmund.

PERSONAL. Edmund Ban, born on 02/14/2000 ( age 18 ) in Cardiff, Wales. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Second year. Registered in the Social Studies Department, coursing psychology and latin language. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-01.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Gardening Club, as member, the Red Football Team, as member, and the Tutoring Program. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: depression

HISTORY.

ban heejung or better known as edmund ban was born as another addition to the long list of well-known family that the ban is. he is currently the only grandson of ban ki moon, the eight secretary-general of UN, as the rest of his grandchild are all female. his family are well known with the fact of his grandfather’s position and his own parents’; whether it is about wealth, fortune and connection to other important people.

all his life he has been living overseas. moving from one place to another, discovering different culture, learning new languages, adapting to new environment until he reached middle school where he went to a boarding school in the place he was born, england.

being a grandson of the secretary-general of UN was never easy. the expectation, the obligation to must surpass the elder or at the very least on the same level of him, the limitation of what to say, what to do, what to wear, when to smile and not to smile were all in his agenda. everything was written in the stone, written neatly under his skin and tattooed on his mind. everything was already been prepared for him to achieved.

upon his enrollment in amji that happened the same time as the retirement of his grandfather as the secretary general, he didn’t think much of the retirement, thinking that it has nothing to with him and his school. but it did, the limitation, the strict expectation were no longer there for him. the neatly written rules that has been his only company is no where to be found when his family said: “you are now allowed to do anything you want. to be anything you want to be.” but anything and whatever were never in his book. he remain shackled and unable to understand the meaning behind those words.

growing up with such things on his shoulders that is now nonexistence is something he still can’t grasp until today. the mind of fifteen year old (now seventeen) boy that is edmund can’t understand everything, like he is pushed to do something out of his repetitive living, out of his comfort zone.

selflessness and order are taught to him since he was a little kid, thus are two strong traits he has and also his flaws that play an immense role in this problem. he forces himself to adhere to his own belief that he should service the needs and desires of everyone around him. however, upon given the talk about his future, when he realizes he never had a dream for himself except the dream his family pave for him, he stumbles into an inescapable chasm of confusion and depression — part of him wants to please himself and the other part wants to please others, and wants to do well because he is part of the ban family or to follow his ‘dream’. so in the current time, edmund is internally tormented by his own ideals of selflessness and identity.

edmund discovers himself in a spiraling hollowness in him. he thinks of it as part of being in an adolescent time. so as for now he will have to deal with this emptiness inside him until he found something to sealed the hole in his heart

he constantly feels empty and isolated, despite going to classes and following a daily routine much as he did in the early days. he starts to avoid answering roll call in his classes and admits that it was a pointless gesture since he feel like not physically and mentally there to begin with. this “pointless gesture” serves to be emblematic of his lack of identity. edmund realizes that all he has managed to do with not answering roll call is to further isolate himself from his classmates and make them uncomfortable in his presence, but at some point he has stopped caring entirely.

up until this very day edmund is unable to come to terms with who he is without the fact that he is part of the ban family, or the edmund the ban wanted him to be. the small detail of edmund denying roll call further characterizes edmund’s sense of identity, or rather, his refusal of one. his rejection of identity is directly linked to his spiraling hollowness, and lack of realisation of who he truly is as someone suffering from identity confusion and a slight depression. though, edmund is content to be alone in his emptiness and maintains his repetitive, pointless living.

the daily agony that plagues his mind cripples his sense of determination and hope, leaving him floating around purposeless everywhere he is. despite that, edmund still retained enough self-consciousness that he is aware of how pointless his life is at the moment, putting him in a vicious cycle of his depression maintaining itself but remain as who he was before the talk he had with his parents regarding of his future. means that he is still the same old, overachieving, prim and proper edmund.

LIMITATIONS.

for teenager, fear are friends. fear of their parents, fear of their failing in certain subjects (or even all), fear of making decision, fear of almost everything as their emotions are as unstable as waves in the sea—–and like that, with that, edmund is the same as the rest. he thinks of his own fear and problem he has to go through, thinking how ridiculous it is to actually fear it; it’s not even a real big deal compared to others (but this is not a competition to win upon, to compare to—-this not it. it never is). so with the silent uncertainties of his future, and the scattered embers of the hope within his every beams, with the tremendous crashing wave of emotion within him, he will bitterly admit that he is scared. he is shaking right down to his core—–

to look back upon the chances he had let to pass for him just stared there and sit, and all the love people had offer but refused it for him to be afraid of taking risks. he is a useless person indeed. he has been useless all this time, and he know it, dammit, he know it all too well. with those mornings he permitting his confusion and lack of realisation of who he is define him as a pit of depression with forgotten bloom. he bit terly admit that he is useless. that he slowly turning into the person he doesn’t want to be. a useless person who can’t deal with a simple thing such this. to fill in the blank of future plan after graduating. (dammit, it’s not even a big deal—get over it).

‘you can do whatever you want to do. you can be whatever you want to be. you don’t have to be like me, edmund,’

those words. those horrible, horrible words repeating in his mind. what is he suppose to do with this? it’s not like he can call home, asking how he should fill the blank in this paper, in his heart as he can already see the answer they will give. whatever you want to be— fuck, what is he suppose to do when all his life he has been doing everything—shred blood, sweat, and tears to be on the same level as his grandfather but only to be told he can be whatever the fuck he want to be.

paper left untouched, his name written neatly at the top of it. edmund decides to go to sleep, leaving it blank and feeling unbothered to fill it at the moment in hope when the sun rise something will be written in it.

ASPIRATIONS.

people might not believe on things he wants to tell them. at this moment of the dying sun, lurking behind its clouds, of the rust and filthy scents of the deactivated science lab that most of the student doesn’t it exist, of the silent sound of classical music slip through his earphones, edmund trying to find where he can fit in. is it at this science lab? or is it at the back of his throat where the words he should have spoken were drowning now. he is too, trying to find his haven. all this time he has been asking where does he belong to? where does he belong to if not in the ban family but oh what a pity, he was facing the tremendous freedom he never asked. and god, people might not believe on all the things he wants to say to them as he always been one who said nothing at all, pure white silence—as if his words were drowning with the waves, forbidding it to reach out.

he belongs in here. he wants to say, wanting to point out the deactivated science lab. here, pointing at the beakers, conical flasks, boiling flasks, test tubes, crucibles, funnels, pointing at everything this lab has. and at the very idea of this project deus, at eery vibe this group have, at the fear of the unknown, the after effect, trembling knees of students when things happened in amji, sacrifices that is made to gain something, weary bloodstreams, sinking veins, goner breaking ribcages, and at the noises of the boiling liquid in this lab, at the hunger of explanation of whatever happen in amji, at the hunger of knowledge. edmund belong at the every pieces of this place.

perhaps, he finally found something he crave upon, he found something inside it that slightly fill the gap in his heart, in his soul. whatever twisted story within, he is all abroad for it. he needs this, needs this so bad to feel something—and it’s working, and he is not complaining. if he is not the edmund the ban expecting him to be like he used to, then he is the edmund the project deus can’t run around without.

BEHAVIOR.

he really want to feel glad but that’s just not how the world works. because he is just now as the same as he was before, except that he is now just a tad bit sadder, a tad bit confused, a tad bit angry and desperate for something. people on his age should know what it feels like, it’s puberty they said, sure, whatever rings your bell then and he couldn’t agree more for that. he is meant to be on top of the world, because he has a real great life. real great life equals real great future but lately he feels like his world has just unfurled, he feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere. doing everything right just because it’s his duty as a student, as a son, as a human being but it doesn’t seem right—how is it possible that doing something right feel so incredibly wrong?

confused and numb inside, but quite the opposite on the outside. that what he is. smile, show the world that you have your demon locked in the dungeon of your life. show the world that you have everything planned and everything will bow down to you, show the world that they can lean on him cause he is just as strong as atlas. they do not have know what kind of earthquake inside you, they do not have to know what kind of storm in your mind, they do not have to know how many sleepless night you’ve been through for just thinking and searching for something so incredibly easy said than done, to look for oneself that has been spiraling down in the abyss of unknown.

and perhaps he has been seen as a life saver for some, but they do not have know his little group of friends (or perhaps the word that is more fitting in this situation is acquaintance—feelings and emotional connection are sometimes unnecessary in this) is your life saver. they gave him purpose, they gave him a slight push to the light in incredibly twisted way, in a bizarre experiment they’ve done, in a study that he never knew it exist before. they pushes him to be out of his comfort zone in a good way, he thinks. to bend something unspeakable,for greater good, that is. there are nothing wrong in this activity, he believes so and he will make people understand about it. that sacrifices are needed to gain something.

at least, for even just the slightest, he understands a tiny bit of himself, understands the hole in his heart. he has been searching for something to fulfill his hunger for stability, for the ground to step on, for a purpose.

#inf:file #subplot: deus

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