#idek how to break them anymore bc it looks ''wrong''

[skunkes]

Before: i cant tell if the way I've stylized this body is Right or not...i dont want people to think that I'm stupid and don't know what im doing so i guess i better learn anatomy

After: i have learned and am learning anatomy, but i dont want people to think that im stupid and don't know what I'm doing if i exaggerate it so I better keep the stiff, rigid, "correct" anatomy instead of stylizing it to fit 👍

[thisdreamplace]

Hi bestie! I want to know if you can give me a little advice. Before manifesting my SP I was in such a good space mentally, like, I was for real standing in my power. When he came back, I kinda got a little bit obsessed with the idea that I had to "keep him" and in the process I think I lost myself. I went back to the old ways. Started giving him free will, forgot self concept, basically went back to victim, and now things have gotten rough with him as you can imagine and I can't stop feeling ashamed for myself, and I don't know how to stop feeling like that. I feel like a clown for trusting him again and being betrayed again (which I know makes no sense bc he didn't do anything)... especially because now my parents know about him and they keep asking me if we're still talking, and when are we going to go out again (they got excited because it was the first time they saw me dating someone) and I don't even know how to react because it hurts my heart to think I got ghosted and idek how my parents will take this, and I don't know what I want anymore. I am genuinely scared to manifest him again, not because he can hurt me, but because I don't want to deal with the pressure again. I have fallen in a space where I don't even want to feel good? I don't even feel the strength to take responsibility this time, and I've been focusing more on self concept these days to not continue to entertain negative beliefs about myself, but I'm still offended. I can't stop asking myself why the hell did I have to manifest such an a*hole into my life????NOT ONCE, TWICEEE???? WHY??? My brain is a mess rn, you can't even imagine. It's like my victim thoughts mixed up with the law of assumption thoughts, mixed up with morals, ego, a messss...

I even laughed a bit about this because I can recall my negative thoughts regarding my SP situation and now it's materialized, and I'm like: "wow, such a powerful clown, a master manifestor indeed 🤌👏"

Hey! Be more gentle with yourself. It's seriously okay. This isn't called a journey nor a lifestyle for nothing. We fall down, we get back up. It's okay that all of this is happening and you feel like a mess. It's still working out in your favor. Whether or not you feel it is working out, it still is.

So I just want to say that bit where you said, "It's like my victim thoughts mixed up with the law of assumption thoughts, mixed up with morals, ego, a messss..." I have been there and felt that plenty of times and it's the worst feeling. It's so confusing and you feel so lost and trapped. It's okay. Truly. This is because your new story and your old story are basically fighting to win against the other. It's uncomfortable, it's basically growing pains. More stability will come.

So firstly, begin with giving yourself a break. You're going through a lot within and you should allow yourself the space to begin to feel better, before worrying about anything else. You need to be your top priority. So, focus on feeling better within. Whatever that looks like for you, go ahead and spend more time doing it. Even though you said you don't want to feel better right now, it's still important to take care of yourself. Period. You don't have to worry about manifesting him or anyone right now. You just need to worry about yourself and make you're good first. It's okay that you're not in a space to take responsibility and step back into your power. You will get back there eventually.

Once you're feeling better within, you'll feel more equipped to get back on the horse. Here's the thing about it. You're really blaming him so much and through that, you're blaming yourself. I'll tell you a secret: the way to really have this world in your hands is to stop denying everyone is you pushed out. When we run from this concept, we are making it much harder on ourselves. There's nothing wrong with him and there's nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately, you had some undesirable beliefs and feelings, and he played them out for you. That's all that happened. He's innocent and you're innocent. You're doing the best you can in any given moment. So that being said, you have to allow yourself to be free from guilt. You're not a clown and you're not silly for wanting him. It doesn't matter what he's done or said. Because it's all an illusion anyway. It's all a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. In that way, you're not a clown for any of this and he's not a bad person.

This is why it's important to stay consistent. This is why I am so serious about promoting manifesting as a lifestyle. Because the people who tend to just come and manifest something then leave again, tend to have a big storm coming. Because it was never about manifesting your desire, it was about changing within. You are not the first to have a sp story that happened in this way. Plenty of people get stuck in the trap of manifesting their sp back and away, back and away again. Because they refuse to really focus on themselves and keep their focus there. You are the most important factor in all of this. In fact, you're the only one that matters. Because the outer world can only mirror you. Therefore your inner world must take upmost priority. You must be your priority.

Hopefully you find this helpful! 💖

[spider-bih]

Eleven Minutes.. [Peter Parker]

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Warnings: My angst has bust in full force thanks- flashbacks in italics in case thats confusing

A/N: I’m alive??? Works killer n i miss this crai- also, doing page breaks a diff way bc tumblr mobile refuses to show page breaks smh. No, I have not seen Endgame or any leaked footage so this contains no spoilers, (I did see it, since this was edited and made before and after Endgame, however, this will atill contain no spoilers and will continue in how I thought it would end <3) just vague mentions of IW and what an aftermath might be like idek

❝I’ᴍ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, ᴀɴᴅ I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍɪssᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ᴅᴀʏ..❞

You assumed you shouldn’t be doing this, what with your state of emotions but.. if you didn’t, you weren’t sure if these emotions would ever settle. You had to have closure, even if the outcome wasn’t what you expected or wanted. Hell, you were barely sure what you even wanted out of this. What was the point? What was there to even gain anymore? Why were you lying to yourself when you knew you still wanted this?

There was so much you’d put up with on your end- and sure, maybe you had no right to complain. You knew what you were getting into those few years ago. You knew who he was and how he was, but still. You hoped you’d get him to see reason. You knew you would-

A teenager shouldn’t have to go through all that. Not even an adult should, but of course, perhaps an adult could better process it. An adult wouldn’t struggle so hard, and that’s only because their brains aren’t still working to fully develop themselves and the body they inhabit. Struggling with something so hard so young.. it does things to you and those around you. It does things to your relationships.

Funnily enough, the same could be said of a teen simply having a romantic relationship at all. Yet, the latter doesn’t have you bearing the weight of the world upon your still growing shoulders.

You struggled to hold that weight with him. Nights filled with the metallic scent and taste of blood were the norm. Those nights always felt panicky or hurt- those nights always caused arguments and overpowering feelings of helplessness. You weren’t built to be a damsel in distress, but you knew your limits. He surpassed them, but even he had his own, and as much as you wished they were endless, they weren’t. That night when he didn’t come home- that day when all the world saw was ash.. that was almost the final straw. How crazy is it that it wasn’t?

That months of mourning and horrific questions and theories, wasn’t entirely the cause of this? Months of staring out your window and just hoping he was lost and not.. gone. So much time spent feeling like you could have prevented it somehow- and feeling like you didn’t savor enough of the good moments. The hand holding, the sweet kisses and sweet murmurs of affection under stars- none of it felt like enough. Not enough to sate you or make you feel like yourself..

❝I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ, I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ..❞

Seeing his face again was almost like having whiplash- only ten times worse.

You’d only dreamt of seeing him again, of getting to touch him and feel his hands holding you close. Only in your dreams did you get to feel like.. he had never left. You wanted to punch him, but you also wanted to hug him. All you could settle for was breaking down. Your knees gave out from under you, and he caught your crumpling form, allowing you to thrash at him because he was sure he deserved it. You both knew he didn’t, but feelings never really align with logic. Feelings do as they pleased, especially when they decided to consume you.

You cried until you couldn’t- until your throat was scratchy and your body felt weak.

“I’m sorry..”, he tells you, and you just shake your head.

“I am too.”

He doesn’t know, and maybe he never will, but the sorry wasn’t for hitting him. It wasn’t for him having to see you like this. It was because he was one of many, that had to watch themselves go- only his was worse. You were sure his senses screamed at him, that his powers tried to alert him and or stop it all, but they failed. He had to feel himself wither away, and you could only imagine what that might feel like for a Junior in High School. For a growing young man.

“I broke my promise though. I want you to know I never meant to and you were all I could-”

“Please.”, you cut him off as quick as you could, “Please, I just.. you’re here now and I.. I don’t want to think of any of that..”

“Okay. I understand.”, he says, and he does. No one wants to be told they were the last thing to be thought of. True, it means well but.. no one wants to lose someone. They don’t want to think of their lats thoughts or last words. They just want them with them, alive and well. He did his best to give you that.

“Thank you.”

❝Yᴇᴀʜ, I’ᴠᴇ sᴇᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ’ ᴅᴀʏ sɪɴᴄᴇ I ʟᴇғᴛ. Yᴏᴜ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟᴏᴏʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀɴᴅs ʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

Days were hard and nights were long. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking that night. He just knew he had to fix this, his gut was telling him he needed to fix this. You walked through hell with him, held his hand while the whole world was engulfed in flames and he had the utter audacity to let you go? To let you slip through his fingers when you were doing your best to stay? To help?

He was in the wrong and he was sure of it. He was wrong for expecting none of his life to affect you. For allowing himself to think that because you’re not experiencing anything he has firsthand, that you had no room to say anything. You’d watched him get beat down- get damn near killed on a few occasions. Fuck- you even lost him once. You went entire hours and days and weeks and months just.. without him. Not from a break up or vacation or something normal. For you, he was dead, and something like that is horrifically traumatic at best, even if he was here now. No amount of promises can fix that. There will always be that bit of fear stuck in you, and you had every right to keep it there.

You have every right to tell him what you told him- to ask what you’ve asked.

He had no right to say what he said, and he’ll regret it his whole life long.

How could he say he didn’t need you? Lie right to your heartbroken face and get mad that you asked him to just once stop? To live for himself- to come home unscathed?

The broken look in your eyes absolutely broke him.. the sad soft tone to your voice- and then the anger. The bottled up rage and hurt, the venom in your words had absolutely paralyzed him, and then, in the silence, in the aftermath, he saw what he had done. He felt it when he woke up alone, warm sun on his back, but no warm body next to him. Soon the very scent of you was gone, your perfume no longer lingered, your clothes weren’t mixed in with his laundry basket- nothing. There was no trace of you.

It was a type of lonely he’d hoped to never experience. May stopped asking for you and only looked at him with sadness when you were mentioned. He never told her a thing- he assumed she figured it out, or maybe you told her.. he wasn’t sure.

He just needed you back, at any cost.

❝Aɴᴅ I’ᴍ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssᴇᴅ, ᴀʟʟ I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪs ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴄʜᴇsᴛ..❞

“Oh, so you don’t need me, huh?”, you say, your voice is soft but tight, and he knows what’s going to happen next. He knows you well enough- he’s only taken in every last bit of you he could since he was sixteen. Only ever loved you since he learned what that was- what it really was. He liked to think you and him were the anomaly- a tiny percentage of teens that did know what love was..

“No. I-”

“You don’t? So you didn’t need me patching you up all those times so May wouldn’t lose her shit? So she wouldn’t flip the fuck out at her only nephew- at her only boy, risking his life constantly? Didn’t need me when you were as good as dead to the fucking world and May was so lost? Not last night when you were screaming in pain and couldn’t go to Tony because even he would tell you to cut the shit and let someone else handle it?!”

“He wouldn’t-”

“He would! You’re not doing this for the same reasons anymore! It’s not for your Uncle or May or even me! It’s only for you! Just for you because you’re still scarred from what happened and refuse to be beaten by anyone! You don’t want to feel helpless but fuck- think about how everyone else feels! We-”

“You’re all alive aren’t you?! Well and okay and safe, aren’t you?! I am doing it-”

“NO!”, you scream, and he goes quiet. The anger in him seems to just fizzle out. You’ve never screamed at him that way- the fire in your voice- the look in your eyes. It was torture.

“No.”, you hiss, “No we’re not okay. May is far from okay and I’m right with her. You’re throwing yourself at danger- you’re getting careless. The biggest threat to us all is gone Peter. He’s not coming back. He’s not in any of the villains you’ve fought. He won’t be in any future ones. You can relax- but you won’t. This fear is eating at you. You’re scared and you won’t even admit it anymore.”

“I’m not scared. I’m fine and I really don’t need you on my case about this. You’re better off leaving if you think I’m gonna stop. Go move on like you did when you thought I was gone.” The last part was a low blow and he knew it. You couldn’t know when he was coming back or if he was. It wasn’t even moving on. It was just doing what you could to not be drowned every waking moment of every day. Even if it meant laughing like nothing went wrong- like there was no gaping hole in your chest.

Even if it was with what friends you had left, even if, in the moment, it looked like you’d never missed him. Yes, he realized he was wrong when you gasped how you did. When you cried instantly and threw yourself into him- but some evil and minuscule voice in his head said it was lie. Though, that itself, was a huge lie.

“I can’t believe you’d-”

“Believe it.”, he had said, and by God he wishes he hadn’t.

❝Sᴏ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ, ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴀᴅ, ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ. Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴋᴇᴇᴘs ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

You never answer to unknown numbers. If they weren’t in your contacts and no one was set to call, they weren’t worth answering. Something in you had told you to answer the phone and for once- just once, you did. You almost hung up when your first few ‘Hello’s gained you no response. You didn’t know that sound of your voice sent him into shock for a moment or so. It had been so long since he heard it. He spoke so fast too, a nervous tick of his. Speedy and stuttery. It’s how he always had been, and you half-hated half-enjoyed the way it made your heart do flips in your chest. Butterflies rose up in you and you felt like a teen again.

It was insane how after all this time he still had you like that. How you knew his apologies were sincere and how you had missed him so so very much. he had missed you too- he was practically dying without.

“I’m like.. eleven minutes away from you by my webs I just- please. I want to see you- I want to talk this out. That was a low blow and I.. I was so wrong, about it all. I could use a break- I should have taken one- should have thought more of you and May when I was out doing what I was doing. I.. I don’t know about putting up the mask forever but.. I don’t need to fight everything. I sure as hell don’t need to fight you.. please.”, he had said.

“Okay but.. you’re only eleven minutes away from me if I keep driving like this for.. ha, eleven minutes. You’ll be farther if I just stop.”, you tease, just cause you could. You’d earned that much.

“... I’ll swing for a half hour- even longer just.. I miss you. I-.. god, please. I mean I understand but.. please..”

You sigh softly, unable to deny that you wanted this too, “I didn’t stay I’d stop driving. I’ll see you there.”

He lets out a breathy laugh of relief, “Great. I.. I’ll be there. Promise.”

“See you soon.”

❝Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ?❞

“Maybe I deserve this..”, Peter sighed into his mask, overlooking the city from where he was perched. He had Karen keeping an eye out for you or your car. You had said eleven minutes. Karen detected one traffic incident but it was a route you never took. It was shorter, but accidents were frequent there. He didn’t dare look into what might be involved in that traffic incident. Not just because he didn’t want to be tempted to go check it out- but also because he knew his luck. He knew yours. He didn’t want to panic, but with every passing second, he was losing it.

All the worst case scenarios were running through his head. Every bad possible thing- because of course it’d happen. Of course the day he finally decides to call you- to get some courage and-

“She’s here.”, Karen says, and relief courses over him. You’re here and once he lays eyes on you he feels as weak as always. You’re still as he remembers and he swears it’s like you haven’t changed. He can feel you so near and you’d only just gotten there. Memories flooded through him and his longing grew. He missed you- oh fuck, he missed you so much. It took everything in him to not web you to him- but he couldn’t risk that, not now and not here. He had to make it seem like he didn’t notice you. You knew the drill. Years of being with him, you knew the risks and when it was alright to take them, now wasn’t the time. You had to play it safe. Anyone could be watching.

You stood by the building and waited like you were waiting on someone to come out. He kept his head forward but his eyes stayed on you. He was damn glad no one could see his eyes with the mask on. Karen kept a look out, being sure nothing was nearby. He had to wait on her all-clear, simply because his own emotions and wants fogged his rationality and focus, especially when it came to you. You’d always clouded his thoughts, even when he was out as Spider-Man. How could you not? You were and still are his everything. He’d always love you, even if this meeting didn’t go as he hoped. There was no one out there like you, there never would be.

“God- I want to jump down to her- she’s even looking at me with that little grin-”

“No, Peter. I have not given the all-clear. I am still searching and you have poor judgement with her.”

“Ouch, Karen- even you’re mad at me? Still?”

“I-”

Gunshots went off suddenly, someone was screaming about a drive-by but it wasn’t warning enough. He was up high and you were down there. He jumped but he wasn’t fast enough. Super-speed wasn’t in his arsenal of powers. Nothing helpful in the moment was, but he still tried. The very second he saw the gunfire nearing you, he jumped. He leaped for his very life, reached with all his might but you slipped away, stray bullets shocking you into falling. You fell right onto the concrete. People in passing were screaming- some started crying out of fear, dropping to the ground like flies. For every shot, three people went down. It was chaos and as selfish as it was, he only cared about you in the moment. Spider-Man wasn’t there, Peter was. Peter only needed to see you- he had to hope you were fine-

He hoped you were only grazed- begged for you to be fine.

“Please..”

He didn’t look, he didn’t pause, he went straight for the nearest hospital once he reached your limp body. Swinging high and fast- in a way he knew you’d hate if you were conscious- or just awake enough to know. You had to just be out from shock- nothing else- His adrenaline was pumping through him like mad- like never before. Harder than when he felt himself dying- quicker than anything ever. His breaths were ragged and raspy- raw and painful. His chest was tight and he had to fight to see through his tearing eyes. His fear was eating him alive, shaking his core and straining his muscles.

The nearest hospital seemed so far away. It seemed like thousands of miles- like his webs weren’t fast enough- and the warmth seeping into his suit wasn’t helping a damn thing. It was like it was weighing him down with every passing moment. Every second you weren’t yet at that hospital, he was losing his mind. Panic was absolutely consuming him and yet he continued.

“Please- oh my go- please- for fucks sake- not her!”

He screamed for a doctor once he landed- lost his mind as he ran in. He can’t remember what he yelled or who he scared. he didn’t care if this could get you labeled as someone Spider-Man knew. He could fight that battle later. He had to survive this one first.He had to let them get you on a gurney- had to ignore the splotches of dark red on you- had to forget how limp you felt. he only focused on your breaths, shallow as they were, they were something.

He hated that he had to change out of his suit- it meant he had to leave- and being alone was no help. He had to peel his suit off and ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach. Had to ignore the sickening warmth that stuck to him- sticky and noisy but he had to ignore it. Hopefully it was his blood and he couldn’t feel it. Maybe he had been grazed. The blood on his palms couldn’t be yours. He’d never be so unlucky- not like this not now or ever. It couldn’t be this way. He had to remember that as he ran back in- as he put on the facade that he’d heard from some friends or something and had to know your condition.

He had to play positive thoughts in his head like a mantra in his head as he waited on news. You couldn’t go- you promised. Years ago, you promised you’d be his girl forever. Even when you two fought- even when he was being a damned idiot. You’re his everything- you wouldn’t leave him. You swore- you even agreed to see him after the stupid shit he said.This couldn’t happen. He loved you, you loved him- how rare was that? A love worth fighting for, a love that went through hell and back? A love people wrote books and novels about- full on series that ended tragic for shock value. That couldn’t happen to him- he couldn’t be some cliche. You would be damned if you ever became some-

“Mr.Parker..”

His head shot up, “Yeah?”

The silence the followed was deafening. His heart thrummed in his ears as the nurse who called him beckoned him to follow. The very halls made his senses go off- there were people just hanging on the brink- there were people morning- people talking to someone hooked up to machines with no promise of waking. People saying goodbye- he wasn’t going to say goodbye- you never said goodbye. Once you learned his secret, it was never goodbye, only ever see you soon. It was because you knew. Goodbyes weren’t something he ever wanted to hear with a life like his. With losses like his. Peter grew to hate goodbyes as dumb and cliche as that sounded. You didn’t care though, you let him hate them and made sure not to say it. You had the chance to when you left him, but you didn’t. You didn’t stoop to his level and.. well, you didn’t want it to be goodbye. He had forced your hand-

The nurse led him to the Doctor in charge of your care. His face made Peter’s heart drop.

“Is sh-”

“I’m sorry..”

❝I ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴇʟʟ ᴍʏ sᴏᴜʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ʙɪᴛ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ..❞

“You promise you’ll be careful?”

“Only if you promise you’re my girl forever.”

You laugh softly and his chest feels like it might burst.”You’re silly, you know the answer to that.”

“Mhmm.. but I don’t? I’m oblivious, you know this considering you had to make the first move for us to even be like this.”

You roll your eyes playfully, “Well, you are right about that.. hmm..let’s see.”

He pouts, “Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that. You’re already my girl now, what’s so wrong with forever?”

You pretend to think, and it’s convincing enough to make him scared until you grin bigger than he’s ever seen. It was a smile he grew to adore, “Absolutely nothing Peter. I’ll always be here, even when you’re oblivious.. or dumb.. or-”

“No no, I get it. You don’t have to get specific.”

“You have to promise me too.”, you say.

“What?”

“Promise me you’re my dumb nerd forever?”

He makes a face, “Dumb nerd- I-”

“Promise.”, you insist, and he goes quiet, because now you’re serious. He gets why. He understands what you’re insinuating.His face softens and he accepts the rude description of him, only because you had called him yours.

He steals the softest kiss from your lips, grinning like a moron after, “You know better than I do that I’m only yours. Always. I was yours before you even knew it.”

“... You must think you’re so cool for kissing me first for once-”

“God- shut up! Let me live- just because you said those three words first doesn’t- hey! Don’t laugh! We were having a moment- I can’t-” and the rest dissolves into laughter.

In that moment he loved you so much, and he grew to love you even more. He wouldn’t trade you for the world. Not with you laughing like that- not with your smile like that. You were so beautiful then..

You were beautiful even now, as he laid you to rest with family, tears streaming down his face..

“You promised..”, he whispered, but no one could hear him. “You fucking promised and- god you were right there. I had you- I saved you- I’ve done it a thousand times why-”, he chokes on a sob, curling over to try and support himself but it’s not working. He’s crying out your name but you’re not responding.

You’re right fucking there, but you’re not moving and it’s absolutely killing him. You fought through everything with him- The Snap- villains that snapped his bones like twigs- beat him to a pulp. You were used as bait by a villain that knew too much- he saved you from them. From a falling building- from death- so what the fuck?

How is there no one for him to blame? No one he knew personally- no one but himself- but time and fate?

“It was only eleven minutes- god- I was ready to be done I swear- please- come back, I- Fuck.. god- I’m..”, he started to sob, “Come.. come home to me.. come... home with me..”

Everything was lost to sobs.. and not a damn soul could pry him from where you lay.

❝sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ..❞

Making a new taglist soon but taggin @starksparker to be an ass. Also @grandmascottlang and @spiderboytotherescue

[howlnikiforov]

TW // mentions of suicide, sexual harassment, mental illness, cheating 

Pls lmk if the keep reading doesn’t work, I’ll try to fix it if that’s the case. Hopefully it’ll work on mobile too

At this point in my life, the only thing grounding me and keeping me from making poor decisions is my mom. I look around and just about everything I own was bought or made by her. Some things were from my dad, like my car or my most prized necklace. My mom’s made me blankets, spent hundreds on albums for me. That’s the only thing really keeping me here. Because I know if I do anything, or if anything were to happen to me, it’d break her. There are times, when it feels like she doesn’t care. Times like when she’s cheated on my dad, or when she drinks alcohol. It’s hard to ignore those times, the feeling like it’s all a lie. But I know she loves me. I know I’ve wrongly taken advantage of that, that i’ve asked for my parents to buy me things so i wouldn’t have to pay for it myself, using the excuse that i’m an unemployed college student. In the end though, I remember my mom’s depression. I remember how when I was in eighth grade, sometime in the week between my birthday and my brothers, she tried to commit suicide. It haunts me to this day. My parents tried to get me therapy when it happened, but it was only a few sessions and at the time i didn’t understand anything for it to be helpful. Now though, I feel terror at random times when she texts that she loves me. I feel terror when she does something unusual and outside of her daily routine. The cheating has the same effect. I don’t trust her coworkers. While I stayed with my parents these past few months I often listened to her work calls and wondered if she was cheating again. It hurts. I think it helped breed my anxiety. The times my parents have almost gotten a divorce hurt too. I still have trouble eating at a restaurant I used to love because I remember going there when they were on the brink of divorce. I still have trouble going to the dealership where they took me and my bro bc of a car. I often struggle with how I feel towards my parents. I don’t consider us close by any means. We have our moments, but I can’t feel comfortable enough to tell them I really want a boyfriend, that I have trouble making friends, that i need a therapist, that i’m too scared to get a job, that i’m bi, that i don’t want kids. I can tell them I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with autism, and that another has developed multiple cysts on their ovaries. I can jest about them getting pulled over or making the same mistake twice. I can’t show clean and shaven legs. It’s either basketball shorts and leg hair an inch thick or sweatpants. I can’t go braless. I know if I told them about any sexual harassment encounters they’d pull their guns out, that they’d protect me. Yet somehow I still can’t sit around them without a blanket covering me. It makes me sad. I see my friend talking to her mom like their best friends and wonder what it’s like. I wish I could be closer to my parents, my dad especially. But everytime I try the words die before they even make it out of my glottis, or even larynx. I know my dad has anxiety too, I know he doesn’t feel as loved as he deserves to be and it hurts. He deserves so much more than we’ve given him. He really tries his best, in the way only a dad who doesn’t know can. He takes care of us, he’s why we’re able to do what we want. If he hadn’t joined the navy idek if i’d be in college rn. or if I’d be able to see bc the navy’s health insurance covers everything i need to keep my eye from deteriorating anymore than it already has. I hope my parents know how grateful I am for them. I hope my friends know I love them, even though I don’t know how to socialize and be a good friend, a good person. I hope I’ve been able to give my pets a good life, that they’ve been able to feel like the luckiest animals in the world. In the end, I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for the relationships I have, or at the very least, the silent, unspoken things most people don’t pick up on. That’s one thing I consider myself good at. Reading people. I’m shit at socializing but I can tell when smiles don’t reach eyes, when people are hiding, the depression and anxiety and heaven knows what else they feel. I know when I’ve made ppl uncomfortable, when I’ve said something wrong, when the friendship really isn’t going to work out. Even through texts it’s painfully obvious. I think the only reason I’m still here is so the ppl around me can use me as a rock, cause that’s all I’ll ever be to ppl. Someone to turn to when they feel upset. I’m always that person. I know if I left the ppl around me would leave too, and I can’t bear the thought of it. My purpose is to make sure other’s don’t fall to temptations that I have, and that’s okay. I’ll accept that as my purpose in this world. I’ll be everyone’s rock. Maybe I’ll gain another purpose in life, or maybe I won’t. Who knows. Almost 20 years on this earth, and i’m only barely starting to accept that seemingly small role. It’s not small, not when lives and mental health are at stake. But it’s overlooked by everyone. That’s okay. People like me prefer to lurk in the shadows anyway, unnoticed until sought out for. 

[red-sterling]

thanks for answering!! i hope you don't mind if i send more charas...how about green and/or lillie?

fhgjkfdg aw yea thank u!! hopefully this doesn’t publish before i’m done typing lol

also this definitely needs a readmore bc i got emotional abt Green oops

Green

favorite thing about them

first of all: the fact that Green canonically has a rivals to best friends arc with Red fills me with so much joy and YES they are on their alolan honeymoon you cannot convince me otherwise

okay like. gen 1 Green just perfectly encompasses what it’s like to be a ten year old in a way? like ofc he’s written like a kid bc he is a kid, but i feel like the writing on him just feels so genuine as compared to some of the other 10 yr old rivals you get in other regions. even though he’s kinda a brat at the start, he kinda eases up a bit as you go along your journey and starts giving you progressively nicer/more praise-y end lines when you beat him (going from ���i picked the wrong pokémon!” to “so, you are ready for boss rocket!”) but still retains this childlike rivalry and competitiveness and i love that about him

and like. fucking beating him at the Indigo League still completely breaks my heart because even after he did become the champion at age 10 the first thing that happens is you beat him and Prof Oak just yells at him for being bad at things and like. ow. 

this is why i headcanon that Red actually took awhile longer to get to Green like please. please give my boy a chance to be happy and proud

also Red was caught up with Team Rocket anyway so i imagine he must’ve fallen a little behind at some point? anyway

the development on him across regions is so choice!!! he’s so much more mellow and even kinda melancholic when you find him in gsc/hgss, like he’s calmed down over a few years and he obviously misses Red so much but like, it’s clear that Red is kinda the reason Green does settle down and he seems to have worked on his character and become a nicer person - and he still has that sassy flair to him! he’s just got that gradual slope from asshole rival to kinda aloof gym leader to friendly/sassy battle legend and aaaaa i love my boy so MUCH

also huge point: he’s so fucking driven??? he’s got the most drive and the most passion for battles/pokémon in general out of all the rivals i feel. he’s only closely matched by Silver, but Silver seems to be more aggressive than passionate, and somewhat out of necessity too (like, Giovanni abandoned him what was he to do), whereas Green just really like. he genuinely just cares so much about battles and about pokémon in general! he literally calls you in hgss and just rants about how many different kinds of pokémon there are in the world!!!

also in Alola he’s like???? just so sweet?????? he congratulates you and is like hey you’re really strong lets battle like!!!!!!!!! supportive boy!!!!! he has come so far over so many generations and i cry

also on Four Island when you play frlg he legitimately says “Be smelling ya!” when he leaves and how do you not love this idiot

least favorite thing about them

i mean. while i get that you beat Green right after he becomes the champion in the kanto games i feel like there should’ve been more pomp and circumstance for him and i’ll never forgive gamefreak for giving this boy his dream, then making you rip it away from him, and then watching his own gramps yell at him for fucking up like. again it’s that drive, i get why Red keeps such good pace w Green but i just feel like he worked so hard and he deserved so much better than that

also while i’m very biased towards him bc Big Emotions, i feel like if i knew this boy irl who was constantly i’m so great and you’re a loser i would probably punch him eventually lmao. in theory it’s kinda endearing but as a real person that’d be grating 

favorite line

on one hand, “smell ya later” is so fucking iconic, but on the other - 

“I’m Blue. Man, this guy called Red brought me down in a heartbeat. I haven’t seen him in a long time…I wonder where he is and what he’s up to… Come to think of it, you look a little bit like Red. Yeah, you do. Just…Just a little bit. Whatever…”

my namelessshipping heart

ALSO NOT CANON BUT GREEN RANTING TO YOU ABOUT RED AND GETTING SO DISTRACTED THAT HE FORGETS TO GIVE YOU THE POKÉDEX????? BIG GAY

brOTP

for long elaborate headcanon reasons, i see him as being a good brotp with Kris - i headcanon her as also being really driven the way Green is, but more quiet about it, she’s kinda a good balance to him and they probably do pokemon research together. i also feel like she kept him sane while Red was still missing/before they found him on a fuckin mountain

OTP

do i really need to tell you that i’m 100% namelessshipping

like they perfectly balance each other. Green has all this energy and all this spunk and Red is just like… so opposite of him y'know? he’s quiet and he’s more measured in his behavior i feel, he doesn’t really rush into things as much, and yet they both really just took Kanto by storm when they were kids, and i like how they have this foil dynamic and are both still so successful? they’re so different and they complement each other in that way, and they both find success in their own ways

like one of the reasons i hate that Green’s championship gets undersold so much is that he did beat you to the punch, and he has been one step ahead of you, and there’s so much passion there and it’s so loud - and yet you as Red are just as driven, you take down Team Rocket, you’re always right on his tail, so close but not quite there, you’re the only one who can keep up with him and you’re the only one he cares enough about to slow down for

so like. idk with even all my headcanons about namelessshipping aside (and i can infodump those another day lol), i feel like the in-game representation of them just works. they just work so well together, they balance each other without ever holding each other back, and there’s something really beautiful about that in a relationship y'know

…..i feel bad abt not putting as much infodump about isshushipping now but oh well

nOTP

i don’t really have a notp with him? i kinda like. i basically just do namelessshipping, but i don’t get a visceral eugh when i see other ships with him, just kinda a well it’s not nameless so i’ll be on my way. idek what other ships w him are popular?? i’ve been in nameless hell since 2012 so 

random headcanon

while Red is still living on Mount Silver, Green is not coping well with having him so far away, and so Green massively overworks himself to the point that he keeps just not being in his gym sometimes bc he’s bouncing between the gym, training multiple teams, pokémon research, and ofc going to visit Red whenever he can. this leads him to be kinda temperamental after he’s been working on 2 hours of sleep a day for like a week until he just has an emotional meltdown and crashes, and then he gets right back into it because he has no self preservation

…….. nicer headcanon; Red can only cook two (2) foods, so Green cooks all the food for them when they move in together. he has attempted to teach Red how to cook, but Red pretends not to understand so Green will keep making him food. Green knows Red is faking it and doesn’t call him out bc he thinks it’s cute

unpopular opinion

look i’ve played through classic red version a few times and when i say he wasn’t that much of a jerk, i do genuinely mean he was not that much of a jerk. he’s like ten. ten year olds are just Like That. i guess this isn’t too unpopular anymore but it was Back In The Day and in some parts of the fandom he’s still seen as a jerk and like Bro He Is Ten In RGB/FRLG cut him some slack

also genuinely unpopular - Green is taller than Red. i know namelessshipping has fallen into the bara Red and twink Green trope but i refuse to let go of tall Green/short Red fuckin fight me why dont you

song i associate with them

a lot of the Pray For The Wicked album by Panic! at the Disco gives me Green vibes, more for the sound than for lyrics necessarily, but for some reason Roaring 20s just like. has the sound of Green to me. it’s somewhere between flamboyant pride and underlying insecurity that i think really encapsulates Green (or at least his subtext)

favorite picture of them

i genuinely love his let’s go concept art he’s such a sweet good boy?? 

and for the life of me i cannot find the op source on this but this is my fave pic of Green/namelessshipping in general that i’ve had saved since like 2012 maybe???

yeah if anyone can help me source that i’d appreciate it bc reverse image search only brings me to pinterest and random wattpad links :/

update: source seems to be the artist くる (pixiv id=982894) on pixiv, even though the original post got taken down (ty anon!)

Lillie

favorite thing about them

by now i guess you know im a sucker for character development, but i think they did a really good job with her!! i feel like her turn is a bit more in moments than it is with Green, who gradually evolves (lol) over the course of Kanto/all the gens overall. you see more discrete moments where Lillie starts to shift and gain confidence in herself and i am so proud of her ???? like the way she gets excited when she sees Olivia doin’ her z-move stuff, she starts buying her own clothes and getting ahead of you, etc etc

and like, she still has moments where she’s scared, there’s still some fundamental Lillie in there yknow? you don’t lose any of that softness that characterizes Lillie, she just like… she gets better, she develops without losing her Lillie vibe and i love that abt her. she overcomes a lot of the shit she had to deal with when she was stuck with Lusamine, she stands up to Lusamine eventually, and ghfdkjsg gah she’s a sweet gorl i love and appreciate her

also like. the writing on her backstory is so subtle in-universe. like yeah she literally looks like Lusamine’s daughter and you see her in the opening cutscene leaving Aether, but as the protagonist - like as Selene lets say, there’s little hints about where Lillie came from, and if you suspend your disbelief and put yourself in the pc’s shoes, there’s subtly to her character arc that i like 

also like. when she changes her outfit and starts being more protagonist-y, like more confident and kinda bubbly instead of shy??? love that shit it’s so cute can i have custody of this child pls

least favorite thing about them

i like. sometimes feel like she’s too soft of a character for me to really get into? like i love her and Hau, they’re sweet good friends, but i tend to personally gravitate towards characters that create a little more tension (ie Green and N)

(though on that note, Hau can be kinda savage. he just calls Faba out and sarcastically calls Gladion “a ray of sunshine” at some point i think?? Lillie is just very tender and i will support her forever, but i think that also makes her almost too soft to keep me fixated on her yknow. it’s not even a flaw in her character but just not something i fawn over as much)

favorite line

“I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

like that ending kills me but that line almost feels like. I Feel That So Much like i feel so happy to have met all these new characters and to have played these games, and i feel like some of the player’s energy and enjoyment of the game is channeled into this last line of hers 

also GET IN THE BAG

brOTP

probably her and Hau?? idk, i don’t have a specific brotp for her but i like her just hangin around w the other Alola kids, so like her, Hau, Gladion, and the protag kids. they’d raise hell together and Lillie continues to be the only one with some impulse control

(Gladion also has some impulse control but keeps getting annoyed by Hau and so he gets dragged into their nonsense anyway)

OTP

Selene and Lillie is. Good. idk what the ship name is but it’s canon

nOTP

i dont even know if people ship her with Gladion but incest is a big no-no in my house

random headcanon

when she goes to Kanto, i bet she’d pick Bulbasaur as a starter if she was given the opportunity - and if not, she’d probably catch a wild Vulpix 

unpopular opinion

idk if have any unpopular opinions for her?? 

song i associate with them

i have no reason to associate this with her but the Rainy Day theme from acgc just. has a vibe about it. i think a lot of ac music feels like it suits her

favorite picture of them

i found this art of her through a lofi remix of her theme awhile back and it’s so pleasing to look at? her hair is nice and the colors are so warm n happy gjhkfdgf

if you read this far, congratulations!!! and i’m sorry

[thrumples]

SPN S15 Live-blogging: Episode 1

spoilers under the cut

- i’m only on the intro. what the FUCK is up with this editing?? - it’s just zooming in on people’s faces with this fuckin wack song playing in the bg - this makes the s14 finale look like a joke - ok here we actually go - 1:49– it opens on jack’s burnt out eyes that’s fucking disgusting - 1:55– im sorry i really can’t take this seriously with this song asfkskskshsdhskskjlsh - 2:40– bro wtf how strong is cas?? he just Yoinked jack’s body up off the ground with like no effort - man i. i really can’t take this shit seriously with this song - 3:13– ok we finally got to the intro. i actually kinda like this title card, it’s very glowy - 3:30– askfhsks these zombies are just. Striding right up to the crypt door. no dramatic stumbling or anything they’re literally just walking. they are making some neat zombie noises tho - i miss when this show used to be good - 4:27– i forgot to turn my subtitles on until now and then was smacked in the face with “cass” - 5:31– what is up with this random camera zooming - 5:54– dean stop shouting - i got so used to the wonderful writing of good omens that i got kinda knocked off my feet here with how much this show has gone downhill - 7:02– WOAH HANG ON HANG HANG ON JACK WTF ARE YOU DOING - “hello!” BRUH IM LOSING IT - he’s a DEMOn AKDHAJSGSNSISGAKHSKBSKH - 8:01– “my name is Belphegor” bruh WHAT is going ON - “you’re an abomination with that stupid dumb trench coat” he’s not wrong the olive green makes him look terrible - 8:35– those sunglasses, i can’t take him seriously in those sunglasses man - 9:50– *angrily* “we are not twinsies” i really didn’t think i’d hear cas say that - bel looks like he just came back from the area 51 raid - 11:10– oh they’re all dead! fun - 11:38– bruh that transition i can’t even deal with this goddamn show anymore - 11:52– this is not how regular teenage girls talk to each other - 11:56– tHats not how cellphones work either - 12:16– “divorce is awesome” - 12:43– when did this show start getting worse? i think it was season 6 - it certainly keeps getting even worse - i feel like i’m watching riverdale - also what’s up with all these disney ads - 13:48– the subtitles call him Bel and since i can’t remember or pronounce his actual name that’s the only way i’m gonna refer to him from now on - 14:42– ooh! red paint! - 14:48– whoever is in charge of the music for this show should be fired - 15:22– AW HELL YEAH WOMAN IN WHITE WE GOIN BACK TO THE PILOT EPISODE BABEY - 15:46– why does jared constantly look like he’s about to start crying - 16:17– that is a BIG ASS GARAGE - 17:00– i feel like that kid should be freaking out a whole lot more than she actually is - like she’s just kinda crying, if i was in that situation i would be curled up in a ball on the floor screeching - 17:31– this feels like a car ad - 17:45– sir please stop snarling you’re making me uncomfortable - also is he wearing a sock on his head? - 18:25– well fuck that i guess we don’t get to see what happens - 18:54– crowley jr - 19:53– can bel, like,,,, see? he doesn’t have eyes but he saw dean put the gun away,,, - 20:10– “so people are like, crazy good-looking now, huh?” bel you’ve just become my new fav demon - 20:19– dean that was the exact same reaction i had - 20:46– is bel bi - 21:15– “he was our kid” - idek what i wanted to write for that i just wanted to put that down - 21:53– yknow sam most people don’t like it when you just. open their doors and come in with a shotgun - also why are these people leaving their doors unlocked - 22:07– these houses are extremely cookie-cutter, they have the same furniture and everything - also wtf is up with these random pulsating noises i can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a heartbeat or not - 22:37– oh look more red paint - wait is this the house with the sockhead clown? - 23:04– so the ghosts just kinda. only showed up in this one specific town huh - don’t some of them have relics that they’re supposed to be attached to? - also this is completely off track but uhh WHO REMEMBERS THAT GHOST FROM SEASON 1 THAT THEY TRAPPED IN THE SEWER BUT NEVER KILLED?? BC THAT MF IS STILL FUCKIN THERE - 23:22– bloody mary just looks like she’s wearing a shitty Party City costume - 23:53– bruh how did those two get up onto that shelf in the time before the clown got into the garage?? - also how long have they been up there?????? - OH SHIT THE CLOWN i definitely didn’t see this coming - /s - 24:36– oh shit sam actually got cut - also quit singing dude you’re off-key - 24:47– AYY CAS COMIN IN TO SAVE SAM’S ASS - hang on my subtitles stopped working - 25:22– “move your exquisite ass Please” - 25:45– oh we got s4 references - 26:30– “wait every door? even the cage?” WHAT - WAIT HANG ON - THAT MEANS - ADAM!!!!!! - 27:07– alright cas i’m pretty sure you just completely shifted this woman’s spirituality - 27:30– sam you can’t just talk about shooting god in front of other people - 28:00– uhhhh eXcuse mE was that DEMON SAMMY - sam: receives a mortal wound that contains properties he’s never seen before - also sam: “i’m fine” - 28:43– oh no something’s about to happen to this poor sheriff - 28:48– I HATE IT WHEN IM RIGHT - 29:27– goddamnit what is up with these stupid pulsating noises?? - bel: sees dead body - bel: “cool” - also i’ve gotten the same migrane medication ad like three times while watching this - 30:05– i guess you could technically call this town a ghost town now - 30:54– lmao that throw looked Super fuckin fake - 31:01– *menacingly shimmies toward ghost with shotgun* - 31:03– “it’s okay, it’s just one ghost” how do i know that something’s gonna grab that kid and drag her right into that pond - 31:26– ASJSHSKHJSYBKSJSK cas just looks so pissed off about being shot - 31:40– local demon thinks he can deter a spirit by saying “bad ghost” - 32:16– well technically i was wrong and right bc something came out of the pond but it grabbed the mom - also is this kid okay? - 32:36– bel says “anime” - 34:14– hey sam maybe you should check how many shotgun shells you have left before you try to take on 4 ghosts at once - better yet why don’t you RUN OVER THE LINE WHERE THEY CAN’T KILL YOU - 35:02– ghost: *screams in sam’s face bc it’s mad that it’s stuck* - sam: “shut up” - my video quality just hella dropped in the middle of an ad break i hope this doesn’t last - nvm it’s cause i’m on the wrong internet lmao hang on a sec - 36:23– why does no one let cas do anything - 36:38– are they about to kiss - 36:45– nope dean just wanted to be a dick - bel says what we’re all thinking - 37:48– can we like. make sam get an x-ray or something to see if the bullet is still in his arm - 37:58– dean you are spilling that disinfectant All over the car trunk - 39:04– dean’s getting existential - 39:52– sam: “for the first time, it’s just us” - cas: do i look like a joke to you - also i think my subtitles are broken - 40:46– AYY MORE PILOT FLASHBACKS

final thoughts: that was,,, kind of a lot better than i thought it would be? the first ten minutes were kinda shit but then Bel showed up and absolutely made my day

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[angeljonghyun]

Insanely long emotional ramble ahead, you can ignore it. I just needed to let it out somewhere

Im filled with anxiety and the feeling of panic. I woke up an hour ago and it only gets worse. I wonder what its like to have a fixed schedule, i have too much time to worry and think. I woke up thinking about jjong right away, being so confused by the fact that hes gone. I wanted to go to the gym today again, finally it has been so long, but now idk how well i can eat and if i can stand being even more stressed bc being in public, doing somewhat normal things and not being home all day is scary to me too. Gosh i feel so horrible atm, its so much worse bc i get my period the next days. I couldnt be more depressed and emotional at the same time. Im so scared of the mv and album, idk how well i will be able to handle it. Maybe it feels even worse bc i know its like the last real thing of him we will ever get. Maybe its so horribly painful bc his songs are often personal and i will be reminded about his struggles once again. I know people say that no one should look into his new album and make up theories, what i understand, i dont want people to do this for any type of sttention which is not linked to good intentions, but honestly... his music, all his lyrics are linked to what happened. The wish to not be here anymore is something almost every depressed person has to deal with and so every song has parts of that demon of his inside of them, probably doesnt matter if its from years ago. It hurts like hell and i still dont know what is right or wrong. Idk if i should force myself to do a lot or suffer at home so all these tears can run freely. Idek what to feel anymore. I have survived the worst of it all and know things will get better, but reliving insane pain is scary and knowing that its gonna happen so soon ... . I dont know if its good that it happens so early or not. I really cant tell if i should watch the mv or listen to the album but ive never been a person who was able to watch an mv late bc i always wanted to know whats going on. I still am that way so i will most likely torture myself. Maybe not the best choice and maybe it will break me down entirely again, but i dont really see another option. Its so scary and something inside of me just wants to completely erase every bit of shinee in my life bc im so stressed and sad all the time, but wtf how am i supposed to do that its impossible and also i dont want to... i just wish to find peace kind of, but i know i cant. There will be so much happening still which will tear open that massive wound again and thats so exhausting wow. Its so weird how i feel kind of close to jjong bc i try to keep him close, but at the same time im so scared of him. Its the weirdest feeling and makes me feel so so sick. Its so weird how i accepted his death but cant handle anything well at all. There are times when im kind of emotionless, but thats not how i truly feel inside. Its just weird to me to watch the mv of him bc of obvious reasons i guess and then theres take the dive the song id love to delete entirely so it wouldnt exist. Im such a mess. I can listen to his old music with a heavy heart but idk what kind of emotions this album will wake up. I can imagine i really just listen once and ignore forever, but idk really. This album wont ever be loved by me and i feel bad for that. Im sorry jjong but im gonna feel devastated about everything forever and cant appreciate you and your hard work the way i should. Im still here wishing none of this is real. At moments im literally just standing somewhere thinking to myself that i should wake up now, but i know it wont happen. Then again i feel the intense need to love and support the rest of shinee. My second angel is still alive... im just scared to attach myself to kibum way too much just like i did with jjong before... im already lost in this one sided love for him, but i know i shouldnt feel that way and it drives me crazy. I hate this i hate all of this i hate every part of this shithole called life. i never want to experience anything like this ever again. I never wanted to experience this in the first place.

[mujehan-a]

talk about the relations of your muses with other muses ( brotps, otps, fwb, anything included! ), which you love to death!

— i assume you mean with other people’s muses and not other muses of my blog ( tho i have a lot of canons abt those too ) lmao okay lisTEN THERE IS...QUITE A BIT. these are just so brief tho...so if any interests you, feel free to ask about them more. under the cut bc there’s so much. i don’t want to constantly mention ppl in the post so if anyone interests you let me know

the ones you’ll notice a lot is ships i have with @plvnetarium​ ( lmao a majority is with her uvu check her out ).

daehyun/wonho

started as fwb but daehyun developed feelings he was unwilling to admit to

daehyun is REALLY afraid of feelings because he doesn’t like the feeling of commitment

but he fell in love with wonho and he’s really scared that he’s gonna fuck it up

he wants to be able to love but he isn’t sure how....asjnsdfhb

jongin/caelus

oh my fucking god

listen

caelus almost killed kai then didn’t and kai wasn’t happy so he hunted caelus down

and it was just hot fucks

until FUCK emotions....then they just got really emotional over each other

a criminal and a cop, okay???

hot office sex....in dark corners; kai looks like he’s been brutalized but really, just hickies and caelus is just a really PASSIONATE lover

they broke up and jongin cried his eyes out...

they also have a lot of personal issues....lmao

rowan/luna

okay, these two...are so bros

they love to taunt caleb together or at least, rowan thinks luna likes to watch him taunt caleb

caleb fucking hates rowan

wonho/haru

shit

wonho hATES IT WHEN HARU IS STANDING

bc he’s short af and haru is tall af....want to fucking smack haru

makes him sit and it’s hilarious but cute???

wonho just has a height complex

taewon/hyuk

maknaes on top bros

taewon is learning how to be an evil maknae from hyuk ( lol )

if given the chance, the hyungs stand no chance against these two

taewon ( despite being victim to a lot of wonho’s pranks ) can be a force to be reckoned with

archer/hyuk

it’s been a while since i visited this ship lol

it happened spontaneously

but it’s cute??

lol sex in the locker room, mundane things !!

like...

just spending time with each other on down times uvu

shiori/pluto

shiori cried over pluto’s injuries and pluto made fun of him lol

jk, but like wow

it’s so cute??? like shiori’s just so scared of catching feelings but he caught feelings for pluto

and was like “i can’t” and left pluto

then regretted it for-fucking-ever

came back...

pluto would get hurt to get shiori’s attention lmao, shiori hates it

not anymore

pluto always has 100% of shiori’s attention

they’re always trying to get the other turned on...pluto wins a lot

jisoo/jae

the TRAVELING PAIR !! i think

a pilot and an immortal who’s traveled the world

arranged marriage that may not turn out so bad??

jisoo thinks jae’s v interesting and cute uvu

luhan/yifan

so this may have been a bit of a crackship lol

it hasn’t really carried over from @scapegoatisms

but it was a...really interesting one

that luhan actually caught feelings for yifan in their little fwb relationship

dabin/yukwon

yukwon loves the dog more, dabin just stopped giving a fuck

but really, he’s hurt by it

he won’t say anything tho...

he can’t hate the dog

he doesn’t want to blame yukwon

this was probably his own fault tbh

dabin/teno

ANGST

on both their parts bc they hate sharing and so they all suffer alone

and everyone around them can see it

teno almost died and dabin’s angry abt it...

dabin and teno are parents for x-out tbh

carina/titan

supersoldier power couple

the two would kill for each other ( and the team )

titan lost carina once ;; and carina would rather she die than watch her friends die

they love each other so much?????

they were also v chicken about confessing so when she ‘died’, it only confirmed their feelings for each other.

carina/janus/titan

best friends uvu

three musketeers of the alpha team

they’re v close with one another

without janus, carina probably wouldn’t have ever confessed tbh

riley/janus

the persistent one vs the stubborn one

riley is afraid of getting hurt so he shoves janus aside at the beginning

but janus is persistent and knocks down riley’s walls

btw - janus breaks riley’s heart...

what’s it with breaking hearts with me and angel and our ships...

almost all our ships have broken up at some point in their relationship....

hyesung/hanbin

fell in love with her idol

an unlikely relationship lol

hanbin ended up in front of hyesung’s apartment ( she was a stranger at the time ) and passed out in her bed...

they exchanged mixtapes and are only just confessing to each other

barry/shin/takuto

SCIENCE BROS

okay but takuto ( shin’s son ) savages barry at any time possible

shin does it too

save barry

but they care for each other A FUCKING LOT

sachi/astra

they hated each other -- more like sachi hated astra’s guts bc he’s annoying and distracting

but she starts to realize her kitchen is just so EMPTY without him

like it doesn’t feel complete without him around???

asksdfjh

yongho/aries

another ship that broke up then got back together

lol

at first, it was v abusive and yongho was just being used

so when yongho finally woke tf up and dumped aries, aries also woke up

yongho couldn’t really leave aries behind?? like aries was the only person he’s been with seriously

and like, he’s seen aries at his SOFT moments when he wasn’t being struck...

aries changed for the better and went to ask yongho to give him a second chance uvu

they both needed the time to heal and come to terms with themselves

aldus/johnny

so cute?

idek how to really describe this

there was a special connection, albeit i haven’t written much of it

for them, silence is golden but it was better for each other

bc when johnny became a vamp, his hearing got really sharp ( as he was deaf before )

and aldus’ voice was v soothing??

andy/europa

princely couple / rich couple

scared the waiters / waitresses a few times fighting for the bill

honestly, that’s the only thing they fight about

but also love issues???

andy doesn’t want to get hurt but he gives and gives and gives

europa on the other hand is distrustful...ish

but andy is willing to just give his everything to europa???

visual couple, okay?? have you seen europa’s fc ( sf9′s rowoon )

casper/wren

ATLA AU

THEY BOTH LOVE ANIMALS???

haven’t written much but like wren and casper are just so in love with animals and they’ve developed this bond over them

uvu

even in atla au, they have an animal shelter together

victoria/briggs

kingsman bros

they also complain to each other about their idiot coworkers who make their lives harder

drinking buddies

honestly, they can be so badass together

rollo/hyperion

he bribed her with food lol

actually, it started with a fight; like he tried to kill her employer

then SHOCK !!  she can feel his toUCH???

their relationship is just so intimate and based on touch?

they’re also super in tune with each other, they always know what’s going on with each other, even when apart???

julian/briggs

merlin was a douche

put the two people who can’t really do emotions together

told briggs to teach julian emotions and social etiquette

and told julian to teach briggs how to shoot

bonded over the fact that they hate their new ‘mission’

intak/shinwoo/jun

poly!!

stared with just jun and intak’s denseness / refusal for emotions

actually, the entire thread that started it was v cute and i loved it

intak’s slow discovery that maybe it’s okay to open up to jun and shinwoo

so he’s this emotional and vulnerable person with them???

but also like...he’s discovering all these new things

so like a kid in an amusement park, his eyes just sparkles whenever jun and shinwoo brings him to places he’s never been

there are so many more..

aldus/corvus ( i think i have a lot more ships with angel than i’ve listed here tbqh )

taewoo/siwon

taewon/seongwoo

esther/mingun

junha/myou, odessa/myou, daehyun/myou ( lol )

vita/briggs, vita/hiro ( i might have gotten the name wrong )

[del-co-mrade-blog]

I’m sure at some point I’ll try to morph this blog into something with a theme - maybe communism/activism, maybe aesthetics, I don’t know. Right now I kind of need an outlet, so I guess that’s what it’ll be. I only have two followers, and one of them is my boyfriend, so I guess you two can enjoy the ramblings I’m gonna post here for a while. This tumblr was made because I wasn’t allowed to have one, so I guess I’ll run with the theme of doing things I didn’t think I could do, and actually try to process and be open about my feelings without bombarding one person with them. So, if you’re here for some reason, I guess read on. 

If you’ve made it this far, hi. 

I don’t know what I’m gonna write about in the future but since this is my first post I guess I’ll just go for what’s on my mind.

I’m really sad rn. A bit ago I reconnected with an old friend. Things didn’t end well between us in the past, due to my past relationship and drama in that friend group, but since I’ve grown and some time had passed, we ended up getting along a lot better than I had originally expected. We reconnected to talk about my ex, who was her friend, and who was a really shitty, abusive person, from whom I have plenty of mental and emotional scars (I’m sure I’ll go on about him sometime in the future). We talked about him, and she seemed to agree that he was toxic, and we ended up talking about a lot of other things, and eventually having semi-consistent contact via snapchat/other social media. 

That was so great. I felt like I finally had the friend that I felt I never quite had back in the day, since I think we were both in different places in our lives, and I for one wasn’t able to be honest or genuine with anyone at that point. I had always heard about what an amazing friend she was, especially from my boyfriend, so it was really nice to experience what he was talking about, and be able to connect with someone in the way that we did. 

Fun shit, though, her boyfriend of many years hates me. Not to get into that too much at this point, but there is a mutual disdain between us due to things that happened following my breakup with my ex and the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend. He resents me (supposedly) for being shitty to my ex (lmao), ripping my current boyfriend out of his life (which my bf doesn’t regret sooo), and I guess just generally being .... idek to be honest haha. I’m not a huge fan of him for being a horrible friend to me and pretty much anyone else I’ve ever witnessed him be friends with, in my opinion a bad boyfriend, and p much the opposite of someone I’d want to have anything to do with at this point in my life. Oh yeah and sexual assault, but that’s nothing compared to what my ex did I guess. 

Side note, I wanna point out a little lesser known irony. While in a relationship with my ex, I was dead inside to the point of intense suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed and had endured so much abuse on so many levels, I didn’t know how to get out or what to do. One aspect of our relationship is he had spend over a year convincing me to be okay with “polyamory” (aka he wanted to fuck multiple “flavors” (races) of women while dating me). Eventually, with his knowledge, I started a relationship with a mutual friend (my current bf), which began 3 months of confusion wherein I fell in love with one guy while realizing how horrible my past relationship had been. There was a lot of back and forth, since I was scared of leaving the relationship I had been stuck in for so long, but eventually I left and am now dating my wonderful boyfriend. Here’s where the irony comes in. Both my ex and my friend’s ex (from above) resented me for what happened. Thought I was a cheater, a bad girlfriend, whatever. Here’s the tea. 

My friend’s bf actively pursued me without my ex bf’s permission for a bit. Even while sitting in the same room, he made me feel him up and kissed my neck - not even 6 inches from my bf at the time. When my bf would step out of the room, my friend’s bf came over and tried to kiss me - when I dodged, he turned the lights out and tried again. He liked being physical with me - said it was bc he was on a break with his gf and wanted to touch someone - but did all of that behind my ex’s back. Same ex he was pissed that I “cheated on”, even though that situation was with his permission and much more above ground. It was about a week or so later he sexually assaulted me, jumped on me shirtless and shoved his tongue down my throat after cornering me in the basement alone. (My bf’s takeaway of all of this, after telling him I was kissed and touched against my will? “I wish he would have asked my permission first”.)

Tea #2: After breaking up with my ex, I tried to stay friends with him because I hated myself so much for “hurting him” (no regrets now, tho). I was so apologetic and just wanted him to forgive me, so I was quite a yes man for a while and didn’t want to cause any more waves in our friend group (that didn’t go so well tho haha). To jump to the chase, about 2 or so months after we broke up, he started telling me about who he was interested in. LO AND BEHOLD, it’s this same friend that I just reconnected with, whose bf sexually assaulted me. He talked about how he wanted them to break up, how he thought about her sexually all the time, how he had fantasies about fucking her in an elementary school (how didn’t i see he was a pedo at that point?), all kinds of stuff. He was trying to find out shit about their relationship in the hopes that they’d break up and he could date her. Told me about how he was talking to her at night and trying to find out her kinks and prove to her that he had the same ones so maybe she’d like him. All kind of shit. In retrospect, maybe I should have said something. Ironic that he was actually trying to do what people claimed had happened between the three of us during the breakup. 

The summary of this is: my friend’s bf always had a problem with me since the breakup since I was a “cheater”, and my bf “stole me away” or something. Meanwhile, he was doing the same thing behind my ex boyfriend’s back about 9 months before, AND my ex was doing the SAME THING to him the fuckin second he was single. They’re both shitty, inconsistent people, and I will never have a single good thing to say about either til the day I die.

Getting back on track. My friend’s bf hates me, and since he found out we were talking again, he apparently had a big problem with that. I don’t know many details, but apparently he was v upset with her about it and felt like she was betraying him (I won’t even begin with the levels of irony here). The two of us kept talking for a while, but I knew it bothered her that she was being dishonest with him. One night recently she opened up to me about something going on in their relationship that involved her bf secretly texting his ex behind her back, and one thing led to another and he managed to blame it on her talking to me (fuckin snake). As I have been since we started talking again, I wanted to be supportive of her, and I stand by that because she deserves to know what healthy respect and boundaries look like from someone, but it led to her deciding that she wanted to try to make it work with him, and that we shouldn’t talk anymore.

That’s been it for the most part since then. I’ve checked her social media a few times since (even though we had to disconnect on p much everything) and I’ve refrained from liking any of her posts, even though I’ve wished I could. It sucks because I can tell she’s going through some shit still, or at least was as of a bit ago, but I can’t ask if she’s okay, reach out to her, be a support system - be a fucking friend.

And this is what led me to start typing here as an outlet. We had a tiny bit of contact today, which I felt and feel guilty about since I really don’t want to stress her out or get her into any trouble. I was just reading an article about abusive relationships and “trauma bonding”, which is something that happens in an abuse victim’s brain that makes staying in their abusive relationship almost addicting, making it very hard to leave or see the situation clearly. I read it and very closely identified it, but also read it and saw a lot of things that made me worried for my friend. See, I know her boyfriend. We were friends for a while and I watched him be shitty to other people, and shitty to me, and honestly shitty to her for a long time. He’s not a good person. He reminds me so much of my ex it makes me sick, and especially makes me sick to know that she’s in that relationship and doesn’t feel like she can/should leave. Everyone has known it since high school - she’s better than she thinks, and deserves more. He has never treated her right for longer than it takes to get back into a relationship with her. That’s not to say there aren’t good things he does - all abusers give you something to hold onto so you can rationalize staying. I’m sure he does, my ex did, all shitty boyfriend and abusers do. I read that article and got really sad and really scared for her.

She told me that she doesn’t know how much she’ll let him hurt her. I have the same fear. I let my ex hurt me for so long, and would have let him do it to this day if my current boyfriend hadn’t gotten involved. I know she wants to make it work, but what I don’t think she understands, and I didn’t want to tell her out of respect, and it’s not her problem. 

There is nothing she can do, or should do, to make it work. All she can do is push down how she feels and make excuses in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. She idealizes who he was in the past, yet admits he wasn’t good to people in the past. She says he wants to get better, yet all I’ve ever heard is that he apologizes and repeats the patterns. She says he is sorry for the things he’s done and wants to make them right, but I know several people he has wronged, and never seen him do anything to make it up to them. He says what he needs to say, and since he’s good at being manipulative, it works. And I don’t blame her. I don’t think she’s stupid. I don’t think a single negative thing of her. I was there, I know how it is. They’re really fucking convincing and can make even the worst things seem okay, turn anything into your fault, or take the blame and yet avoid blame altogether. 

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sit here and watch someone go through what I did. In retrospect I would have wanted someone to get me out, even if it hurt (in fact, my bf did, and I will be forever grateful). I want to help her live her life in a way I bet she doesn’t think is possible. Live truthfully. Surround herself with supportive people. Find someone who truly truly loves her and respects her. Have total control of her body and mind. Be fucking truly happy for more than hours or days at a time. SHE CAN DO IT. I fucking know she can. If she believes that she’s worth it and she wants what’s best for herself, she’ll leave. I wouldn’t say it to her before, but I spend a lot of time studying abusive relationships both because of my past and because of my field of study. She isn’t in a healthy relationship. He’s not good for her. It’s never going to get better. It’s not her fault.

So many people care about her and will be there for her (hopefully) when she decides to leave him. We will all support her and help her be her best self. She won’t be lonely, there’s always someone to talk to, usually someone to hang out with. 

God I wish things weren’t how they were. I want to respect her boundaries, but equally I want to help her get through this and be in a better place.

What the fuck do I do.

[survivormyanmar-blog]

Ep. #11- “This Game Is Crackedt” - Sam

After a 10 day break for the holidays, the game started back up again and the players were presented with their next  immunity challenge, Tile Flip.  In the challenge Tommy claims he threw it to let Sam get the largest section of the grid to himself and Sam won immunity.  By this point everyone in the game knew that Jay was the biggest threat but Jay was trying to round people up to take out Tommy.  She had some success actually convincing Leah to vote for Tommy.  Jay made a mistake though trying to cause paranoia by telling Tommy that Leah brought up his name.  This caused Tommy to go back to Leah with this information which made Leah flip out and change her vote to Jay.  Jay was sent home in a 7-1 vote.

Well, I've never been on the bottom in an ORG before, so that's a fun development. If nothing else, losing all my allies except for one (Linus, shout out to you for not being a giant bag of small dicks) means I'll get to really flex my game skills. I'm going hard as fuck on the next challenge because if I lose, it's probably the end of me. But if I make it to the end, assholes, then thank you for putting someone who loves me on the jury.

You know what sucks? Still being in the game but feeling like people are already campaigning for your jury vote.

since i promised this I MADE THE CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!! what kind of survivor magic you know as much as playing on the bottom sucked, I needed to figure out how to play the game differently. I used to just have this rogue-esque style of gameplay that never put me on the "bottom" because I was usually just thinking about myself and not my allies. now, I'm back in a majority (that is still very fluid), but I safely feel like I'm no longer at the bottom of a specific group. I feel like I've refined my game and made it more social, and I needed the experience of bottom-feeding to do that. I need momentum for when we come out of the break; it's time for me to start winning this thing.

"The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry" -Robert Burns Well, that tribal sucked. What's running through my head right now is I must be considered such a non factor in the game to people that they just aren't attempting to play the social game with me. My reason for thinking this is because unless they are actually jury threats somehow, this vote was absolutely moronic for Leah, Amanda (and Ting if she's lying about her reasoning for the vote). The only person this helps at all is Ashley from my perspective, which means either I'm playing with idiots, or my perspective is way off. I feel from a strategy perspective for myself I have to assume the latter. Leah, Amanda and Ting need to get to the end with a goat from what I see, so why cut a goat when the goats could have formed a majority in the alliance once Tommy and Sam are gone? Ting's reasoning is that the vote was already in Christian and she just wanted to be in the majority (which is reasonable, I did the same on the Brett vote), and Ashley claims she heard about the vote 10 minutes before tribal. I am more prone to believe Ting on a logical level, but Ashley's story actually does kind of check out too since she was gone all day. The problem now is figuring out h approach to move forward. I feel like if I play my cards right I can stay safe, but I have to figure out if Amanda and Leah secretly are some social beasts or something and I need to appeal to a strategic mind, or if I need to make a serious call out post in the main chat and maybe wake some people up to their position in the game.

Linus is not funny but I'm not funnIER

i just typed a huge game confession and my internet went out happy 2017... i'll try again tomorrow

oh wow i won something! i'm not really sure how this vote is going to work out; i'm expecting that jay will have something to offer me tomorrow. that, or she'll try to blindside me so that i'm at the point at which i have to win immunity. anyway, it's dope to at least make it back to 7th again. but i'm not done. time to go to work.

okay apparently people are paranoid that tommy is gonna play an idol like I WANNA SEE THE CHAOS

LET ME IN I'M ALL ABOUT THAT SHIT

this game crackedt.

[1/4/2017 10:50:34 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: How are you feeling on the vote? [1/4/2017 10:51:27 PM] Ashley Hudson: Ummmm I am really not sure because I dont really know where anyone's head is at [1/4/2017 10:53:15 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: Yeah, people have been quiet :( . You're kinda the one calling the shots right now though so I was hoping you'd maybe heard something. [1/4/2017 10:53:31 PM] Nigel (Linus) Silversides: (Thats not meant as an attack on you for being in the power position in any way, sorry it was worded badly ahdfjlhads) Well... This is new. A power position?! Me?! How?! I guess people have been assuming Leah, Amanda and I are a thing but I odn't quite see how that would make me in a powerful position. Help.

So Tommy called with Amanda and I and told us that Leah ran to Jay before the last vote and told her that the plan was majority on Christian. Thankfully Leah didn't flip or anything, but just the fact that she told Jay about it before tribal is annoying as heck. Like idek if I can trust her anymore. She is in an alliance chat with Tommy, Amanda, Sam, and myself. So I have been trying to not talk much in the chat and work more with Tommy and Amanda. Amanda and I are tight still, I guess you could call it a F2. My second person I would say is Tommy. I really want to trust Ting Ting but all she is saying to me is that she will go with whatever I say which is kinda sketchy so I will be cautious with that one. For tribal tonight I have no idea what is happening, so that is cool. I think if people play their idols I might too. Might as well be safe rather than sorry. Jay is supposedly trying to pull in the ranks because she thinks that it will be her tonight, so if she does that, and if people fall for it, she could get a group together unfortunately. I however, don't think I will be the initial target they choose. Jay has suggested Amanda before and unfortunately she might again. So we really need to be careful. I can't go losing my biggest ally tonight. But I also need to keep an eye out for myself.

People I trust?: Amanda Tommy People I am unsure about: Sam Leah Ting Ting People I will be looking out for anything, and I mean anything sketchy: Jay Linus Maybe we will see a split vote tonight? Tommy Amanda and I were talking about it. maybe a 4 and 2? Like our most trustworthy people on the 4, and then the 2 could be like Leah and Ting Ting. In case they flip, it would be 4 and 4. However, we may have to make it seem as if Leah and Ting Ting are voting in the majority so they don't feel any urge to switch. So possibly lie to them and say Linus, then have the majority vote Jay? That could be messed up if Ting Ting or Leah flip, and Jay plays an idol... So tbh our ideas have cons and pros and I am not sure what is going to happen tonight.

My kink is being on the bottom, knowing I'm on the bottom, and still having to play nice. Like, I wish people would stop bullshitting me. Don't campaign for my jury vote before you murder me. Assholes. At least if I go tonight, it won't be a blindside.

okay uh now jay is brewing up some bubble bubble toil and trouble shit and saying that ashley is some kind of strategic mastermind?? I agree that ashley is in a good spot but I'm not sure she's the one calling all the shots over there. then again, I could be very wrong. I've been wrong before.

Well this is quite the yikes fest. I literally don't even know how to describe what's hopefully going to happen. So the overall plan is to vote Jay out. So I definitely know that we have me, Tommy, Sam, Amanda, and Ashley which is good enough to have a majority. But let me tell you, there are fireworks. Like it's the 4th of July out here. Bc first, Jay wanted to get me out, because apparently she doesn't trust me anymore, which is totally understandable, but like she thinks that I'm cocky and act above her and like always expect her trust, which I don't. But like sorry i lied to you, i know that sucks, but you've done it to me so... Anyways, everyone's worried I have something from the cave but like all i've gotten is scuba gear WHICH ISN'T EVEN HELPFUL ANYMORE, LIKE THANKS A LOT TREVOR AND OWEN. I just have the stupid legacy advantage which i don't even know what it is yet but like anyway Leah helped to get Jay to not vote me hopefully, so like go her love you. And then Leah and Jay were like let's go vote Tommy. And I was kinda like well shit how about not bc he's like my numero uno. So then Tommy like outed Jay to Leah and then Leah got paranoid so hopefully she changed her vote to Jay. So yeah. Also Linus' name was thrown in there by someone (idk who) so I kinda convinced him to vote Jay to keep himself safe in the upcoming votes. So hopefully all goes well. I mean if she has an idol then we're kinda fucked but you know life also kinda fucks you up too. It's all about the challenge brochachos.(also like i'm the only asian left. plz keep me in. all the asians of the entire world will love you 5ever)

okay so now jay is coming around saying "hey i've only heard linus and ting ting" like WHAT????? you were just taking to me about how you think you're going and ALSO you're pushing for tommy and you aren't even throwing out either name! i feel kinda bad for everyone they seem really like stressed and shit because jay has literally thrown out everyone as a possible target. i'm kinda lucky that i'm immune and i guess it couldn't have come at a better time but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i still got the feels

Back from the break... I threw immunity to Sam so he owes me like A LOT! Like he owes me his life in this game. Amanda/Ashley/Myself talked about a target and we all agreed on Jay and I gave them tea that Jay was after them. So it's been a crazy turn of events Leah tried to vote me out by telling Jay to vote for me then Jay told Linus and Ting Ting. Jay also mentioned Ting Ting's name and I told her. Also Linus was messaging me about hearing my name and it all turned crazy af. Basically I went back to Leah and told her Jay told me that she was after me and Leah went bizerk, Ting Ting ended up helping me by using her paranoia (or so I think) to get Leah to think Jay was after her. Basically this tribal is just a train wreck and the only people I kind of trust are Sam and Ting Ting. If all 3 of us can survive until Final 6 I think we'll be good for a majority of the game if that's what they want to do as well. This game is crazy af and I have a huge possibility of going home tonight.... I really need Jay out this vote so everything falls into place. I'm just hoping nobody plays an idol on her and I hope I don't go home.

okay this is a call out confession trevor these tribal questions have such an ATTITUDE like WHAT??? i'm ready to fight

"Nothing to win and; Nothing left to lose" -U2 Well damn. It looks like the run of Linus may be coming to it's end, or at best I may be losing my number 1 closest ally in the game :( . If I go home, than Ill be disappointed I never made my big callout move, but I gotta go with the info I have and it looks like laying low is my best chance at not going. If Jay goes and is reading this after, know that I'm sorry and this isn't personal in the slightest.

I dont remember the last thing i wrote so i might be backtracking-- - Ashley told me she has an idol - People think me Ash and Leah are a trio...yikes - Me Ash and Tommy actually have a trio chat....and another chat with Sam included lmfao Now to the vote, this shit is confusing as FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK So me Ashley and Tommy want to vote for Jay, and Ting Ting and Leah came to me wanting to vote for Jay but then Ash heard Ting say Tommy and Jay wants Tommy and IDK WHATS GOING ON ugh i'm so confused I have a really bad feeling that a ton of powers and shit are gonna get played and i'm gonna end up going home. I know Ashley's most likely playing her idol cause she's nervous and that might spark shit and UGH. MY ASS IS PROB GONNA LEAVE CAUSE OF THE CAVE AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY DAMN CHICKEN. Im gonna die. I have a gut feeling. Its the same feeling I had the week Steffen left and its not a good feeling.