#ideal date to me. sharing our favorite medias back and forth.

[poems-of-a-lover]

i need to have a movie marathon with a guy. right now.

[kittycat-plisetsky]

Mental Disorder Analysis of Killing Stalking

I did a bit of a project (for school) here where I analyze the actions in Killing Stalking from the perspective that Yoon Bum and Oh Sangwoo are mentally ill individuals. I attempt here to explain and defend the characters, as well as try to educate the fandom to alleviate hate rooted from ignorance. I’ll share a preview tand then add the rest under a read more bar; I went a tad overboard. 

So maybe you’re a fan of Killing Stalking. Maybe you’re an anti. Maybe you’re a closet fan who’s ashamed to admit having a liking for the manga. For me, upon my first interaction with the fandom, I’ll admit it, I was nearly repulsed, but I’ve come a long way since that time and become an active member in the fandom, and even cosplay! After some consideration, I’ve realized the themes presented here aren’t much different from any crime-themed tv show, like Criminal Minds or something similar. Then I began to question myself and why I was even an anti to start off with, and the answer to that boiled down to ignorance. Upon a first glance, it isn’t hard not to view this simply as a toxic relationship that gets its readers off on some BL sadomasochism about a killer and, who I assumed at the time to be a kidnapped boy, who gets tortured. That’s simply not what this manga is, and it’s belittling to pass it off as much. If you know of killing stalking, you can bypass the next paragraph, but through my little ramblings here I’m hoping to defend this manga for what it is and to explain to you all (whether you’re a fan or an anti) some realistic reasonings for the actions/reactions of these characters centered around some potential mental illnesses here at play. The creator and these boys need some defending in this fandom, and so do us fans (who some of you, like me, I’m sure have been told we’re gross, need to kill ourselves, etc. We deserve more credit 😉 )

Killing Stalking is a psychological thriller manga with one protagonist being a stalker, and the other a killer, as the name suggests. Our first protagonist, Yoonbum, is a man in his late twenties who stalks his crush Oh Sangwoo, who he met in the military and later during his time in college. Yoonbm excessively follows his crush on social media and spends months trying to unlock Sangwoo’s house passcode. Upon entering the code correctly, Bum enters the home, where he discovers a naked woman bound and gagged, struggling to free herself. Panicked, Bum tries to help, but is then found by Sangwoo, and confesses his love before being pushed down the stairs, knocked unconscious, and later wakes with broken legs. Rather than ending Bum’s life, Sangwoo spares his life, keeping him in the basement for some time before allowing him upstairs, and eventually out of the house, though he’s kept close. As the story progresses, the two characters, in my way of seeing, develop a sort of symbiotic relationship with each other. Bum feeding off of his theorized love with Sangwoo, and Sangwoo feeding off the power he has over Bum. Thinking about it; these two need each other.

Now the above mentioned point, the theory of their symbiotic relationship, is often the basis for the fans to send their ships sailing, thinking, “clearly their in love”. Sure, why not, Sangwoo spares Bum’s life but murders others, treats his wounds, kisses him, and Bum still pines for Sangwoo and tries to please him, not to mention their physical moments together, but a story this deep deserves a deeper insight. Plus, the author herself said she hasn’t intended their relationship to be viewed as romantic. So instead, through my rather messy thoughts, maybe I can guide you into your start of deeper thinking based on real life mental disorders that should be considered here. This explanation should help you realize why Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship isn’t simple enough to be viewed as “traditionally romantic” but also I really wish to address fan’s individual outlooks on these characters and defend their characters for what they’re written as: mentally ill (I’m not knocking shippers here; ship what you want. I myself ship their theoretical existence, though I understand in canon it can’t be viewed that simply).

    To begin, the words Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) appear in the first season of the manga, already giving insight to one of the disorders that Bum possess. Though I plan to cover a few disorders in this post, for the sake of my analysis I’ll be showing evidence for BPD as well as psychosis at the same time, as psychosis is a symptom versus an illness. Many people with BPD have the symptom of psychosis (psychforums.com), and in the case of Yoon Bum, I believe this to be true. For starters, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, BPD is defined as “a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior” with symptoms such as impulsive behaviors, self-harming behaviors, problems controlling anger, feelings of dissociation, and a distorted/unstable image of oneself (NIMH). Psychosis then is a delusional disorder, characterized as disruptions to a person’s thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for them to recognize what is real and what isn’t. Found from a discussion online, it isn’t common for stalkers to suffer from psychosis (aminoapps.com). Though right off the bat you may recognize Bum as possessing qualities from both of these, I’d like t point out too that for those who have BPD, it isn’t uncommon for them to have a favorite person (FP), which in Bum’s case would be Sangwoo.

Looking at BPD from the standpoint of someone who suffers with the disorder, one person reports having issues with obsessing over people, “almost to the point of stalking them” (medhelp.org), and in relation to how someone with the disorder views an FP, their FP is their everything. To quote someone that this applies to, having an FP is “dangerous. It’s needing someone so bad it’s physically painful when they leave. It’s apologizing for every tiny thing because you don’t want to give them a reason to leave you (TheMighty.com), or “[that FP] is sometimes all I can think about. Male or female. I think about them 24/7 romantically or like a friend, but that person just becomes so perfect and put on a pedestal” (medhelp.org). The above quotes can all sympathize with Bum, especially if we’re choosing to look at Sangwoo as his FP. From chapter one, we’re shown that Bum obsessives over Sangwoo; stalks his social media, watches him on the train, and even fantasizes about him sexually, wondering “how he would have sex”. Through internal monologue we see how Bum views him; perfect, while noting “his empathetic, considerate, gentle aura”. Even after being hit by Sangwoo, he recalls his perfect image of his crush, noting, “The Sangwoo I know is a much more considerate person.”

               Because those with Borderline Personality Disorder have troubles or inabilities regulating their emotions, Bum has a hard time maintaining his image of Sangwoo and is often caught having many back and forth emotions. He’s caught up on his love one moment, and during the next, he’s trying to convince himself that he hates him. Of course, things get harder on Bum when we realize that Sangwoo too is emotionally unstable, but we’ll talk about him later on.

         For those with BPD, “relationships build quickly and intensely. They are unable to see the faults of their partner” (borderline-personality-disorder.com). This isn’t surprising; Bum’s always had troubles seeing the faults in his crush. Even upon discovering Sangwoo was a murderer, he apologizes, realizing he’s upset him, and takes blame for the situation. He resorts back to his idealized image of Sangwoo after remembering the reasons that he fell in love with him, claiming to love him despite the current situation he’s in. Not only that but he even confessed repeatedly to liking Sangwoo as he’s being assaulted, calling out, “I like you” over and over even as Sangwoo shouts at him to shut up. He’s unable, in many situations to see the faults that Sangwoo has (even though Sangwoo’s faults are pretty extreme). Recall too Bum questioning the police, asking “could you kiss somebody like me? Could you love somebody like me?”, etc. To him, he doesn’t view himself to be likable by anyone but Sangwoo, as he truly believes that Sangwoo has feelings for him.

    If, as I suspect, Bum also suffers from psychosis, his inability to regulate his feelings for Sangwoo could be amplified. This could explain why he can’t quite rationalize what is real about their relationship and what isn’t (or any of his relationships, for that matter). Below, remember when he was under the impression that him and his female classmate were dating when she removed her shirt in front of him? And then he believed that all along he and Sangwoo were dating when Sangwoo said such a thing to the police.

 Psychosis in Bum’s case not only prevents him from knowing what reality is in terms of his relationships with others, but it also alters his perception of the reality surrounding him. Psychosis can cause hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations aren’t new to him, just recall the hallucination of dead bodies in Sangwoo’s washing machine, the hallucination that made him see Sangwoo murdering him on the kitchen floor, and he even hallucinated that the Jieun was the girl from his past during his fist semi-forced murder.

Since psychosis is a delusional disorder, it’s also known that those who suffer from it may believe that events or objects hold personal meaning or significance. Going back into Bum’s past again with his female friend, remember that he held personal meaning to objects that he otherwise should feel no connection to, objects that simply belonged to her. He’s stolen not only her bra, but her nail polish, and because he had such a connection with these items, used them to calm himself down when he would go into mood shifts.

                 He’s mentally ill, and because of these disorders that alter his reality, he lives unaware of his problems. So, no, he isn’t stupid. To him, he’s doesn’t think his thought processes are out of place. In the first chapter, he claims that it’s complexly normal to stalk his crush and to want to know everything of his personal life. In regards to his obsessive behaviors and his kleptomaniac actions, he’s convinced it’s “because of love” over and over.

 Though Borderline is the confirmed disorder at play here (and we can find many more examples to agree with it) it’s not a bad idea to toy around with some other possibilities. Other disorders are very likely in the cases of these characters and can help you reason with their actions. Take Stockholm syndrome for example. Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity…Victims of the formal definition of Stockholm syndrome develop "positive feelings toward their captors and sympathy for their causes and goals, and negative feelings toward the police or authorities" (Wikipedia).

       I’m sure you all remember this scene here, where the police officer tries to come to the rescue, yet Bum crawls away and keeps himself hidden. Or even the part where he chooses being back with Sangwoo over admitting to the police that he is need of some help. However in the case of Stockholm syndrome the positive feelings are rooted to the idea of survival, “captives often fear that their affection will be perceived as fake, they eventually begin to believe that their positive sentiments are genuine” (Wikipedia). Though I believe BPD is a bit more of Bum’s situation versus Stockholm syndrome, I think it’s worth a mention whilst defending Bum, anyways.

Though I haven’t really heard this one talked about prior to my mental disorder research for this analysis, I think Obsessive love disorder is worth a mention. Obsessive love disorder (OLD) is an extreme form of love that transcends into an obsession over time. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and can be triggered off by many factors such as anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability (Buzzle.com). OLD is very similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, attachment disorders, and even erotomania, and so this could easily apply to many of my examples in the BPD paragraphs above. However, “depending on the intensity of their attraction, obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to restrain themselves from extreme behaviors such as acts of violence toward themselves or others” (Wikipedia). Though we see that Bum has had self-harming instances in the past due to his living situation, we see the return of self-harm when Sangwoo was unpleased with these stories of his past. Bum spirals, feeling worried about the reaction and he quickly tries to make Sangwoo feel better, yelling at him to take it out on him physically. Sangwoo remains unresponsive, and Bum resorts to self-harm using a knife on the countertop, while shouting and sobbing that he knows he is disgusting.

                    Though my main focus here seems to be on Yoon Bum, it’s definitely no surprise that Sangwoo would fall into some mental disorders of his own. I’ve read fan discussions claiming that he too suffers from BPD, but I think too that he has psychosis, and sadistic personality disorder. Yes, that last one is a thing. “Sadistic personality disorder (SPD) can be defined as a type of personality disorder in which an affected individual inflicts sadistic, cruel, manipulative, aggressive and demeaning behavior on others. Violence and abusiveness are the hallmarks of the social relationships of a sadist. Such people lack empathy and concern for other individuals and derive pleasure by hurting or humiliating others” (hxbenefit.com). This shouldn’t need much textual evidence, as this is practically a description of the character as a whole. Backing up to psychosis, which remember is a delusional symptom, it wasn’t uncommon for Sangwoo to hallucinate or become delusional when panicked. For example, remember when he carried Bum’s fainted body to his bed to tuck him in?

    He becomes delusional, hallucinating that his mother is outside of the door, telling him to clean up his messes downstairs. His hallucination of his mother becomes angry and she rattles the door handle viciously, screaming at him. Then, he even hallucinates that Bum (who in reality is passed out beside him) raises his head to remind Sngwoo that he’s becoming his father.

               So now to reiterate my point; these characters are not dumb. They are not “asking for it”. Bum is not a “creepy, gross attention whore”, but he has trouble regulating his emotions and has a hard time grasping a distinction on his reality. One of the largest reasons for hate in this fandom is ignorance to the reality and depth that this story possesses. Especially to younger fans, who simply were seeking some twisted BL, it is important to consider this story in terms of our mentally ill paired protagonists as honestly being mentally ill. Because this story is talked up as “horror yaoi”, many people aren’t aware or don’t consider the seriousness that this story aims to share. This is why there is a “you’re gross”, “go kill yourself” stigma on readers of Killing Stalking. Instead, us readers should be viewed as readers of a psychological thriller who analyze and respect the depth here for what its intended to be. The romanticizing and narrow-minded interpretation of this storyline is what causes so much hate and controversy. I’d love to see more serious consideration and in-depth analyzation going on in the fandom to remove the stigma that us fans are nasty, twisted, or gross.

               I hope this was easy enough to follow and that you’ll give this story another read-through with these points in mind, and even change your outlook with the soon release of season 3. Let’s work to defend the author, these boys, the storyline and us fans with some knowledge! Also, again, disclaimer that I’m no professional nor am I “attacking” anyone with these disorders. Remember too though that psychosis is one of my most prominent beliefs here (so even if you suffer from BPD for example, without psychosis some of this may not sound accurate in terms of your own self).

[michaelandy101-blog]

Methods to Get Backlinks in 2021 [Series Part 3: Outreach]

New Post has been published on http://tiptopreview.com/how-to-get-backlinks-in-2021-series-part-3-outreach/

Methods to Get Backlinks in 2021 [Series Part 3: Outreach]

Editor’s Notice: The quote on the whiteboard from Paddy Moogan ought to say: “Do they have the ability to link?”. That is mounted within the picture under.

Britney’s again with the third and remaining installment in her hyperlink constructing sequence, this time overlaying the do’s and don’ts of hyperlink constructing outreach (with bonus ideas from the consultants!). If you have not already, you should definitely take a look at Half 1 and Half 2. 

And, should you’re simply beginning out in your hyperlink constructing journey (or want a refresher on the fundamentals), you should definitely learn Moz’s new-and-improved information:

The Newbie’s Information to Hyperlink Constructing

Click on on the whiteboard picture above to open a excessive decision model in a brand new tab!

Video Transcription

Hey, Moz followers. Welcome to a different version of Whiteboard Friday. At this time we’re going over hyperlink constructing outreach, a essential, essential half in your hyperlink constructing success. So that is Half three of our hyperlink constructing sequence.

Hyperlink constructing do’s

Let’s dive into the do’s. There are many methods to probably get outreach, however there are much more methods to probably screw it up. So we wish to cowl all of our bases, offer you all of the instruments you want right now to have the next success charge sooner or later.

So among the do’s: 

Be temporary. We get so many emails every single day. simply in addition to I do know. Be concise. Omit useless phrases. Get to the purpose. Let me be clear. Your first outreach aim ought to merely, merely be to only get a response and begin to construct some sense of rapport. That is it. You are not asking for a hyperlink out of the gate. We’ll get into that. Once more, that is all we’re attempting to do is get your foot within the door. So be temporary. 

Personalize. Present that you simply care and that you have accomplished some homework, you’ve got put effort into this. 

Present worth. So one solution to get somebody’s consideration is to offer worth, assist them not directly, form, or type. That would take the form of being related, offering them some information insights, geo-specific, distinctive, serving to them with one thing on their web site that you have observed. There are all types of ways on the market. 

Creating curiosity is one other good one. There is a cause why “Quick?” topic line does fairly effectively for hyperlink builders. 

In Garrett French and the late Eric Ward’s new, up to date “The Ultimate Guide to Link Building”, they have an ideal part on how the psychology of asking for a small favor leads that different particular person to assume extra fondly of you and maybe belief you extra. Whereas we’re not attempting to be manipulative in any respect, we are attempting to assist your web site’s success. We’re attempting that will help you lead a stronger function in figuring out hyperlink success. Total, this ought to be a win-win scenario.

You actually ought to be offering worth and serving to and creating an trustworthy relationship with another person. I all the time assume that is a great factor. So once more, set up the connection. 

Spell their title proper, for the love of Roger. That is in all probability my greatest pet peeve. There is not any excuse lately. You completely need to get this proper. Simply spell their title proper. In any other case that is going to be powerful. 

Social proof is a very nice solution to get somebody’s consideration as effectively. So show that you simply run in the identical circle, that you simply each know so-and-so, otherwise you each spoke at or attended this convention. Create some mutual connection.

Have an expert electronic mail signature. That is fairly simple to place collectively and establishes that you’re a actual particular person. You are not a spammer doing this at massive. Somebody is behind the hassle right here. 

Triple verify your electronic mail. An incredible tactic — I am not going to say as a result of I am unable to fairly bear in mind who stated this — is wait no less than 30 minutes earlier than sending the e-mail that you have created. Simply give it 30 minutes. Triple verify it. Be certain that there isn’t any spelling errors. You then’re good to go. 

Maintain observe of your efforts. Actually, actually essential. Know the date on which you’ve despatched out electronic mail outreach, who it was to, if the response has come again, what that was, have you ever accomplished a follow-up. These are all stuff you actually ought to be conserving an in depth eye on. 

Observe-ups are so, so essential. Plenty of occasions, even in an everyday electronic mail life, a follow-up is important. It is all the time good to probably point out another “big names” or media or no matter it’s that you have crafted in your outreach. You would drop some names. I am telling you guys to call drop. That sounds so unhappy. That is not what I imply. Not what I imply, however you get what I imply. 

So that you’re proving worth. You are proving that there’s want behind this straightforward request or an concept or whatnot. So hopefully that paints a little bit of an image of stuff you wish to get proper.

Hyperlink constructing don’ts

Now what do not you wish to do? 

You positively do not wish to doblanketed outreach. That’s the similar template to a bunch of people. You do not wish to do this. 

You additionally do not wish to be impolite. I really feel like this ought to be apparent, however I’ve positively acquired a pair impolite hyperlink constructing requests in my day. Nuts. 

Do not ask for a hyperlink. Now I am to listen to any folks that disagree with this down within the feedback. Let’s have a wholesome dialog, buddies. I simply assume that you do not wish to ask for a hyperlink within the first outreach. It seems to be and sounds and feels spammy, and you have not even established a relationship or any type of back-and-forth electronic mail with this particular person. So I’d all the time advise do not ask for a hyperlink within the first electronic mail. Remark down under should you disagree. I’d like to see why and should you’ve had success. 

Do not use spam triggers. So brush up on a few of your spam triggers. It is truly generally simple to incorporate some, however Google continues to get actually, actually good. Completely different electronic mail platforms proceed to get actually good. However even phrases like “dear,” “click,” and “opportunity” might be potential flags. 

Do not spell their title incorrect. I put this right here twice as a result of it drives me so nuts. Simply spell their title proper. Simply present that you simply care and that you simply put in some effort. There is not any faster solution to get a non-response.

Do not use clunky or complicated sentences. Be clear. Be concise. 

Do not contact somebody once more after they have been requested to not. That is tremendous essential and one other simple solution to get you flagged as spam and trigger issues for you shifting ahead. 

So all that being stated, these are among the high do’s and don’ts.

Hyperlink constructing ideas

There are such a lot of unimaginable hyperlink builders in our trade. I’ve realized from the perfect of them and the assets that they’ve created. Man, there’s simply a lot good things. So listed here are a few of my favourite ideas from skilled hyperlink builders. 

Garrett French says, “Use ‘mentions’ or ‘sharing’ instead of requesting links.” Love that. It is rather more pure. I feel it is a sensible, sensible tip by Garrett. 

Karl Kangur — I do not know if I am saying that proper, I am sorry — “Reach out to people already aware of you/your brand.” Good. That takes care of among the creating the connection. There’s already some sense of rapport. There’s already some sense of that connection which you can leverage by way of opening up that dialog. 

Debra, OG hyperlink builder, “If you want to experience higher open rates for your outreach, I recommend you use a point of commonality in the email subject line.” Good, sensible, sensible and this works extremely effectively. I bear in mind in all probability 10 years in the past now I used to be doing hyperlink constructing and particularly focusing on people who went to the College of Minnesota like I did. So within the topic line I may put “Go gophers” or “Ski-U-Mah.” I let you know what, these have been the very best open charges that I had in my efforts. Actually enjoyable stuff.

Paddy Moogan in his older hyperlink constructing ebook that I nonetheless adore, by the best way, I’ve been a fan of all of those people for a really very long time, Paddy stated, “Do they have the ability to rank?”. His entire principle was why are we placing our vitality and our efforts into crafting outreach to people that do not have the facility so as to add a hyperlink. That is very, essential that you simply discover the editor or the webmaster or somebody who can ultimately present that hyperlink. 

Some assets that I’ve completely adored over time, and granted a few of these are a bit previous, however, you guys, I really like these items. I hold observe and I make notes. Let’s simply undergo a few my favorites: 

Level Clean search engine marketing. Jon Cooper is a genius. He wrote this a very long time in the past, and he stated it was somewhat previous and outdated a number of years in the past. However I nonetheless prefer it. I nonetheless assume there’s numerous nice stuff in right here. He is additionally supplied some new content material that is superb. I completely adore his work. 

Ken McGaffin taught me a hyperlink constructing class in all probability 10 years in the past, and I used to be capable of print this ebook of his, “Link Building Made Simple”. Nonetheless numerous nice stuff in right here that I exploit once in a while. 

Paddy Moogan’s previous ebook, this was certainly one of my favorites too, “The Link Building Book”. Once more, these are from a number of years in the past however nonetheless have actually, actually good things in there. 

This was simply up to date. It is in all probability the most recent one. That is the most recent one I’ve. Garrett French and the late Eric Ward wrote the “The Ultimate Guide to Link Building”, and so they simply up to date to the second version. 

I’ve no affiliation with any of those books or e-books. These are simply assets I actually loved. There’s numerous nice stuff on the market right now. I do know Brian Dean has nice stuff. So be at liberty to share another assets down within the feedback and a few of these examples. I do know this one accommodates electronic mail outreach examples. Numerous folks have been doing a few of that currently, which has been actually enjoyable to see.

Yeah, I hope this helps. That is actually enjoyable stuff, and I look ahead to listening to your whole ideas and feedback down under. Thanks a lot for becoming a member of us on this version of Whiteboard Friday. Hope you are all hanging in there and we are going to see you subsequent time. Thanks.

Video transcription by Speechpad.com

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[bthenoise]

Noise Exclusive: Lost In Society Relive Their Punk Rock Youth With Bouncy New Single “Creature”

Photo by: Chris Spiegel

With grueling touring schedules, poor sleeping conditions and nowhere near ideal pay, as some of you may know, the DIY punk rock lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately, countless bands over the years have given up after one to many 3:00am truckstop hotdogs, air mattress sleepovers and numerous promoter IOUs. 

Not New Jersey punks Lost In Society, however. Still going strong five-plus years into their career, the Asbury Park three-piece are currently hitting their stride with the release of their 2018 EP Eager Heart.   

Currently supporting their impressive five-track effort, the New Jersey trio is teaming up with The Noise to premiere the brand new semi-live music video for their bouncy single “Creature.”

Shot in sunny Southern California, the band’s new video follows their mini five date trip out west as they prepared to play Wiretap Records annual anniversary show in Fullerton. 

To check out the music video plus a Q&A with singer/vocalist Zach Moyle detailing the new track and his personal “punk rock preachers” (you’ll totally get in once you hear the song), be sure to look below. Afterward, to pick up a copy of Eager Heart, head here.

Walk us through "Creature." What does the song mean to you?

Zach Moyle: The song to me is just kind of a tongue-in-cheek look back on all the dumb things we did when we were young (and still continue to do at times) and what drove us to such things. It’s a retrospective view of being young and just trying to find your place in life with all of the crazy speed bumps punk rock throws at you along the way, for better or worse. 

In the track, you refer to "punk rock preachers" showing you the light. Who are some of your all-time favorite punk rock idols you look up to?

Saint Joe Strummer is probably at the top of most people’s lists when thinking about the Mount Rushmore of punk rock if you will. Billie Joe Armstrong is the reason this band exists, so I obviously have to mention him here. I also named my cat after him, so I guess you could say his songwriting has been important to me.   As a self-proclaimed "washed-up punk," what are some of your fonder memories with punk rock music? Maybe the first time you knew this lifestyle was for you? I think just being able to look back at all the friends we have made on the road and all the absurd places we have spent the night. Anywhere from storage lockers in Florida, houses covered in cat shit, Walmart parking lots and being woken up by our van being attacked by about 2000 crows -- and those are just the ones off the top of my head. Sometimes I just sit and think about all the amazing shows, tours and festivals we have been fortunate enough to be a part of. Whether it’s sharing a stage with our idols or finding a new favorite band on a Tuesday night in Tempe, AZ, it’s been a pretty great run. Where do you think punk music stands in 2019? And shouldn't it be more sought after with how things are currently in politics?

I think there are some pretty rad punk bands emerging and most of them that I’ve been getting into aren’t really politically charged. Personally, I go back and forth between writing political songs and more intimate personal songs, but lately, I have been straying away from the political side to be honest. In the climate we are in now, there is obviously a lot of material to write about but being surrounded by it 24/7 on the news, any social media platform and basically any day-to-day conversation just gets exhausting. I just feel like I want music to be an escape from that, at least for me. I think it’s ok to take a breath and disconnect for a little bit, even if it’s just for a three-minute song, otherwise we will just drive ourselves up a wall.

[steviejayneblogs]

E-Gift Cards: Why they are a must for this years Christmas 2020.

So, as we turn digital for shopping and sharing experiences. It makes sense, why E-Gift Cards are so popular and make great gifts. If you’re not convinced, let’s go down memory lane because we always seem to forget the shopping madness every year.

6 Minute Read

It's nearly that time of year again, Christmas.

That time of year when everyone pulls out their wallets, races to the shops to purchase a gift for their partner and many family members. All in the festive tradition to show kindness, appreciation, and love for each other.

If you are prepared like me, you would have listed what type of gift, each person is ideally receiving; If there is anything actually left. You would have checked which shopping center, has which stores, before attempting the car parking lot. Or waiting for your uber to take you to the shopping center because every year you can never find a car park. The usual pep-talk before you hop out of the car is “Get in and out as quickly as possible”. With so many hurdles every year, just to shop for the gifts. You end up exhausted and you’ve lower your standards of the ideal gifts that you came in with. All the stores say “Huge Sale”, but It's still so expensive.

Just as your walking to your car, you realize you’ve forgotten the wrapping paper and tape. You pause and go internally within yourself. Remembering last year you thought you had plenty at home, but “someone” did a “spring clean” and threw it out. Causing you to go through all that madness again, for the high-demand product so close to Christmas. You snap back to reality and turn right back around, inside to purchase the wrapping paper and tape.

Fast forward, you’re at the Post Office in line to post the gifts to your family members, that you moved away from. It's finally your turn at the register and you’re ready to pay wave your card again. You think how has this card not melted yet? Then you wonder after all this, will Carol even like her bath bomb from Kmart? Will Nicole even like the remaining jewelry that was left from the “3 for $10” jewelry store deal? It’s the busiest time of the year for the mail services. Will they even receive their gifts on time? or until valentine’s day like last year. All wrapped with mini trees and Rudolph with his bright nose.

E-Gift Cards are similar to store vouchers, but they are purchased online and emailed to the person you wish to gift. The beauty is, you can print the email and put it in a meaningful card or email it over on Christmas day.

The E-Cards allow your special someone to enjoy that rush of online shopping. Who doesn’t like spending money and shopping for themselves? They can choose their own style and their actual size. Say no more to those awkward conversations on the phone. Asking for their dress size, with the Christmas store music in the background. We've all been there.

Most people are turning to E-Gift Cards because of the wastage of wrapping paper every year. Australians use more than 150,000km of wrapping paper during Christmas. That is enough to wrap the earth's equator nearly four times. The Australian population in 2020, is estimated at 25, 499,884. Now just imagine the rest of the world's usage of Christmas wrapping paper.

On average, what percentage do you believe regifting occurs every year? It’s hard to calculate the exact figure but I’ve worked in retail frontline before and everyone’s returning. It’s a topic many like to discuss when it comes to this time of year. It has become the standard practice every year for many people. I know which family member is going to give me something dreadful. Once I have even regifted the gift back to them by accident. Not one of my favorite moments, that’s for sure.

Hot Tip: leave the “from sticker” on the gift, so you know for regifting next year.

Ultimately, purchasing E-Gift Cards are great. Convenient for you, saving on the paper wastage, received with quick delivery, and cost-effective for all budgets.

As much as I love fighting back and forth in a game of tug-of-war, over the last black mini purse for my sister’s Christmas gift, with the middle-aged women wear the Von-Dutch top. The crowded food courts with no available seating just never seems to scream festive to me. I truly prefer to stay at home, binge-watching the movie elf and any other Christmas theme movie. Relaxing knowing my Christmas gifts are sorted.

There are so many online clothing stores out there that offer E-Gift Cards. Each company varies on the expiry date. Which work to your benefit. Essentially, its money and money doesn’t expire. They will state in their Terms of Service or FAQ the maximum time frame before expiry. Some will state 3 years from the purchase date or do not expire.

E- Gift Cards can be purchased for as low as $10. Your gift is going towards the total value amount of what they truly want. Now that's better than the gift that is thrown away or hid at the back of the cupboard to be re-gifted next year.

When you purchase an E- Gift Card you are purchasing a chain reaction of happy moments that continue for days and even weeks. The larger the value the greater the excitement. Personally, I enjoy online shopping so much. Seeing all the trendy girls showing the new fits available. Giving me a dose of fashion inspiration and what I really want. My heart literally is beating so fast as I look at all the styles. Finding my size, adding to cart, receiving free shipping because my order was over the required spend amount. Receiving confirmation emails and tracking my parcel as it travels to me. Receiving my parcel from the mail. Parcels and mail will never cease to excite me.

Opening the parcel and enjoying that experience. Every online brand has their own personal touches and packing style. Next, trying the clothing on! Then the excitement hits all again when you have the moment to wear the outfit. Then comes the social media, capturing every cute moment for my photo reel that I call Instagram, Facebook, and Tik Tok.

Overall, E-Gift Cards are trending, and people love online shopping. Be sure to consider it this year. STEVIE JAYNE offers E- Gift Cards from as low as $10 and higher. Enjoy providing a gift that someone will love. Let them choose and experience fashion and grow confidence with Stevie Jayne.

Visit STEVIE JAYNE to shop Gift Cards for that special someone.

Author: Sunshine Zandt

STEVIE JAYNE www.steviejayne.com

Facebook: @TheOfficialStevieJayne.OnlineClothingBrand

Instagram: @steviejayne_official

Pinterest: @STEVIEJAYNE_ClothingBrand

Connect to like-minded people that love fashion and expressing themselves. Stevie Jayne is a clothing brand that wants to bring women together for a happy community of support. Subscribe to our email list or follow us on the below social media accounts and make friends. Loved the clothing? Capture yourself in Stevie Jayne collection #steviejayne and tag us to be featured on our social profiles

[health-and-felicidad]

Why I Stopped Cropping My Body Out of My Photos for Dating Sites

The emerald green lake is the perfect backdrop for my photo. I hand my phone to my friend and she proceeds to snap some pics of me by the water. I swipe through the results, instantly disappointed. Most are unusable: My hair is blowing over my face. I’m moving too much, causing a blur. Mainly, she has caught my full figure inside the lens, and that is nothing I want to share.

I take matters into my own hands. I grab my phone, angle it just right, and press. Voila, a selfie, letting me zoom in on my “best” features while carefully cutting out the other “less desirable” ones. This has become my new regimen—one I’d expect from my teenage niece, but not what I ever thought I’d be doing as a 40-something woman.

RELATED: Tess Holliday Shares Nearly Nude Photo to Prove You’re Allowed to Love Yourself: 'I Highly Recommend It'

While many men like full-figured women, my body type was not often desired when I was an adolescent. Tugboat, trapezoid, pear. These were just a few nicknames doled out throughout the years to refer to the shape of my body—one that is traditionally “normal” until below the hips, where it’s as if someone has taken an air pump and inflated my hips, buttocks, and thighs. Once, when I was happily swimming with a group of friends, a man I worked with looked at me, then loudly said, “Such a pretty face—shame about the body.” It would take me several hours—and a burst of newfound courage—to finally get out of the pool. I wished for the power to crop my thighs right out of his periphery.

“Voila, a selfie, letting me zoom in on my ‘best’ features while carefully cutting out the other “less desirable” ones.”

RELATED: Why Body Positivity Isn't Always Easy for Me

I take a few more shots in hopes of getting the perfect profile image to use for online dating sites. When I return home from the lake, I adjust, crop, and suddenly, it’s the perfect picture. While it is, in fact, me in the image, foolish grin and all, I realize that I feel deceitful. Perhaps not as false as bald men only posting photos of themselves with full heads of hair, but it feels false just the same.

These pictures get a lot of responses. “You’re hot,” says the 25-year-old from Queens. “Why are you on this site?” messages another. “Beautiful,” is fairly common. I smile at these empty comments but realize I need to change how I am representing myself. Maybe I need to get a selfie stick and go full throttle. Let them see me, “flaws” and all, but I can’t. Not just yet. Online dating is hard enough—being in my 40s makes it near impossible.

I send a few messages back and forth with a man, and a casual date is set up. I panic. My gut tells me this is not the way to meet someone—that I’m a people person and need it to happen more organically. But my heart, which has been broken, pounded, and nearly removed from my body by heartbreak, wants to at least give this a try. I begin to try on outfits in preparation, but none of them can truly hide what I look like. I put on the jeans, which somehow no longer cover my stomach but expose it. Then I try my favorite dress, which apparently no longer fits. I end up in black pants and a black top. If I remain sitting down on the date, they will never know about my hidden bottom, I tell myself. Still, I am panicked.

RELATED: Sia Cooper Clapped Back at a Troll Who Criticized Her 'Flat Chest'

“I have been struggling with my weight and body image since I was a teenager. No amount of exercise and deprivation will ever truly render me thin. I have grown to accept it. But do I love my body? I’m not there yet.”

I’m not always this insecure. Some days, I waltz into a date with the confidence of Beyoncé, and most of the time, it works. But every now and then, a guy looks so disappointed that I want to crawl under the table. On those dates, I sit there, smiling, hoping I don’t have to get up to go to the bathroom, fearing what he will think when he sees my entire silhouette.

I often never know what these blind dates think of me because I rarely get the chance to go on a second date with them—even if they text me right away to tell me what a great time they had. Perhaps I would save all of us a lot of time if I’d post full body shots on my profile—perhaps we all should. With social media only showing the best parts of our lives, wouldn’t it be refreshing to just show the whole thing?

RELATED: Influencers Ashley Torres and Kristina Zias Modeled Aerie Swim to Prove Every Body Is a Bikini Body

I have been struggling with my weight and body image since I was a teenager. No amount of exercise and deprivation will ever truly render me thin. I have grown to accept it. But do I love my body? I’m not there yet. I am not sure if I will ever get there. Being different is something I can embrace in many facets of my life. But being a size 12 for most of my life has never felt ideal to me. And that right there is probably the greatest detriment in my life. If I don’t know how to love my body, how can I expect spongeworthy876 to love it?

“I include the caption, ‘Unapologetically curvy.'”

After some time, I decide to try something new. I add a full-body picture to my online dating profile and include the caption, “Unapologetically curvy.” I feel like a woman in those Dove commercials—full figured in my skivvies and running in the streets for all to see. When it loads, part of me wants to wrap myself up in my favorite long sweater and hide my body, my imperfections, my vulnerability. I am tempted to take the picture down. But I keep still. I leave it online. This is me. All of me.

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source https://www.health.com/syndication/stopped-cropping-body-photos-dating-sites

[rosecolored-gay]

All them questions bitch

Okayyyyy

1. Are you a side, back, or front sleeper?

- Side or stomach, mainly stomach.

2. When you hum random music what song is it?

- Probably the jeopardy theme song.

3. Explain your username

- I am a gay, and rose colored because of the Paramore song.

4: Explain my username

- Anon?

5: How did you fall into the tumblr hellpit?

- Lol, my friend Tuna from high school marching band.

6: What fan interest of yours would you least prefer to explain in your workplace?

-My hidden love for Degrassi, and other shows from when I was kid.

7: What fan interest or yours would you most enjoy explaining in your workplace?

- Definitely my love for Grey’s Anatomy

8: Last song you listened to?

- High Hopes - Panic! At the Disco

9: Weirdest thing on your dash today?

- Not weird, but saw a lot of porn

10: In a perfect world, what animal would you most like to adopt?

- A polar bear!

11: What animal would you most like someone else to adopt?

- This question doesn’t make sense to me

12: What’s something trivial you have strong opinions about?

- OOH man, if you want to get me fired up, I have a strong opinion on LGBTQ rights, gender inequality, a woman’s right to choose, and race inequality. I’m a sociologist, so.

13: What would your super-villain finishing move be?

- Spiderweb like Tom Holland did in Homecoming.

14: Explain your icon.

- It’s me, looking hella gay.

15: You meet your true love(s) today. Possibly again. Describe your ideal hilarious romcom meetcute. (can be aromantic)

- Ummm, I always love the idea of two people picking up each others coffee order by accident and then they go to switch it and the one person is like “why’d you order this like this?”, idk and it leads to conversation, lol. I have a wild imagination when it comes to writing.

16: Your comfort food, and why.

- I really really really love Matzo Brei made by my dad. 

17: What type of mad science will you Show Them All with? (ex: mad chemical engineer, mad library scientist, mad linguist). Which of your creations will probably turn on you?

- I have no clue

18: Favorite cheesy trope?

-The having to share the bed trope

19: Favorite trope nobody writes enough of?

- Fake dating

20: Rec me a book, comic, or anime, or other piece of media you wish there were more like.

- Mmm, I could always go for more LGBTQ fiction.

21: Wierdest tumblr drama you’ve been a part of or stumbled across.

- Uh well, someone was harassing me on anon for a while. 

22: You know those things from a million years ago your brain suddenly reminds you to feel embarrased/guilty/bad about in full technicolor? Tell me one of them.

- L O L, how about the time I decided not to listen to my mom, and I was swinging my body back and forth on my grandmother’s walker, and it was on concrete, it moved, and I fell on my ass and bruised my tailbone so bad I couldn’t sit for a week.

23: What is something you collect?

- Notebooks

24: Pens. Do you know where the one closest to you came from? Would you be distressed if someone took it?

- Its a pilot precise pen, it belongs to my mother and if I took it she’d murder me.

25: The last game you played is crossed with the zombie apocalypse and now going down outside your window. How boned are you?

- Like video game? Uh, Super Mario Bros.

26: What was the last thing that made you cry?

- Getting a job that I really wanted.

27: Most embarrassing/weird/personal body thing you’re willing to talk about.

- Umm, I have a lot of freckles just randomly placed all over me.

28: Your icon is now the voice of your inner therapist. How is this gonna go?

- So, I’m my own therapist?

29: Name a kink you only like hypothetically.

- I’m so vanilla

30: Name a kink you find bewildering.

- Anything with animals is just fucking weird

31: You have acquired: a mouse, a lizard, a rabbit, a spider, a domestic fox. Name them! Who gets to sleep on the bed?

- Mouse is definitely now named Mickey, the Lizard is Godzilla, Rabbit is Dash, Spider - No way in hell am I keeping a spider.., Fox is named Zeus

32: What was your favorite childhood toy? Do you still have it?

- It was a barney plush, and he’s in a box in my closet

33: Hit “shuffle” on your media player and tell me your favorite lyric from the song that comes up.

- “Did you take him to the pier in Santa Monica? Forget to bring a jacket, wrap up in him cause you wanted to? I'm just curious, is it serious?”

34: What fan media (of yours or someone else’s) would you most like to see art/fic for?

- These Strange Steps, it’s a Faberry fic on AO3. 

35: What do you ship that you think would be hard to explain convincingly to other people? Attempt an explanation.

- Uhhhh, I kinda shipped Arizona and April from Grey’s Anatomy.

36: What meme gets on your nerves?

- The salt bae one I guess

37: Showers or baths?

- Showers

38: Who was your biggest childhood nemesis and why?

- This kid Talia, she lied to a kid that liked me and told him I hated him and almost ruined our friendship.

39: First writing prompt that comes to your head.

- AU on fake dating

40: Least favorite color.

- Purple

41: What was the last thing you got really obsessed with?

- Cutthroat Kitchen

42: What’s the weirdest experience you’ve ever had on a mind-altering substance? (prescription, recreational, otc, or food)

- Uh, got high and drunk at the same time and just felt hella fucked up

43: Shuffle up a random song on your media player. Now tell me what ship/story goes with it.

- Wowwww, its How To Save A Life by the fray, it just means someone on Grey’s is prob gonna die.

44: What’s making you happiest recently? :)

- Rach

45: What’s scaring you these days? :(

- Writing 60000 papers, will my brain turn to mush

46: Post a funny video for me.

- Too much work

47: Did you ever have a dream/nightmare that stuck with you for years?

- YES, ok make fun of me all you want, but one night I had a nightmare that a hippo chased me up a palm tree, been scared of hippos since. Absolutely the most irrational fear ever

48: What’s a movie you thought you’d hate but you turned out to love?

- Honestly, I thought I’d hate marvel movies, but I love them now that I’ve given them a try

49: Tell me a really obscure fact you know.

- There’s a spot in the brain where if someone smoke cigarettes and you injure this part of the brain, they’ll immediately quit cold turkey

50: Hot or cold?

- I hate hot weather, love the cold

51: How did your parent(s) punish you as a kid? What do you think of that?

- Taking away my phone or something I wanted to do. It was good incentive not to misbehave anymore

52: What’s something you thought was true about yourself that your feelings have changed on over the years?

- That I wasn’t smart

53: Write a story in seven words.

- uhhh

54: What is your favorite curse word?

- fuck

55: Favorite food for every color of the rainbow.

- pink - cotton candy, green - broccoli, yellow - pineapple, red -strawberry, blue - acai berry

56: If you were a poltergeist where would you haunt and what would be your preferred style of prank?

- I’d haunt my enemies, scare the shit out of them

57: What is an art style, craft, or skill that you can’t do, but you really admire in others?

- anything art like

58: What is a skill you have that people probably don’t know about?

- I can write poetry well

59: Name a pet peeve you have, and something you do that is probably a pet peeve for others.

- PEOPLE THAT CHEW WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN, uhh i click pens constantly. Sorry lmao

60: Dragons, dinosaurs, or aliens?

- dinosaurs

61: What was the last big fight you had with someone about?

- About what show to watch at dinner, with my mom.

62: Insult the asker of this question creatively.

- too lazy

63: In an ideal world, what would you like done with your body after you die?

- do that thing where i become a tree

64: Find me a weird stock photo and post it.

- no

65: What was your bedtime ritual as a kid? Did you have one?

- my dad used to come in my room and open my closet and check under my bed for monsters and yell at them to leave

66: What are the three traits you value the most in others?

- humor, loyalty, honesty

67: What are the three most interesting wild animals you’ve encountered in your life?

- manatees, elephants, trump supporters

68: What is a word you really enjoy saying?

- shitballs

69: Answer number 60 like it was a “fuck, marry, kill” rhetorical.

- dude no thats nasty

70: Describe something that happened to you today as if you were a narrator in a film noir, nature documentary, or 50s teaching video

- ummm no

71: Create five new nicknames for yourself as quickly as you can.

- hey you, asshole, gaymo, flaming homo, queerer than a deer

72: Shorts, pants, skirts, or other?

- basketball shorts, or jeans

73: What’s a song you hate and why?

- Anything by Meghan trainor or taylor swift

74: If you were a superhero, what would be your one weakness?

- id stop on my way to save people if i saw a cute puppy that id want to pet

75: Describe a weird encounter you had with a bug.

- I killed a spider yesterday that had hitched a ride in my car

[ryanjtrimble]

No Access

The following article appeared this month in Unvæl, a journal of art. Issue 1 is currently available and includes 5x7 printed artwork from Ryan Muirhead, Ashley Callaghan, and Michael Ash Smith.

Last year while in a small tourist town I stopped at a thrift store. I looked for some boots, tried on some hats, and bought a pristine '70s tweed suit. I also browsed the books, and with each title that struck me I thumbed to a random page and read a sentence or two, the way seekers of signs often do with the Bible. One book in particular, Adventures in Contentment, nabbed my attention with its unassuming cover and oxymoronic title. I looked inside and discovered a facsimiled typewriter font, suggesting a reprint. I checked the publication date; 1906. Then I fanned the pages and landed on a line that stuck: "I felt that profound curiosity which everyone of us feels every day of his life to know something of the inner impulses which stir his nearest neighbor."

This, I think, will become the final aim of all our technological efforts—to know the inner impulses of our neighbors. Not know as in understand or appreciate or empathize, but know as in live. It won't be enough for us to improve virtual reality or develop androids to talk to and have sex with. It won't be enough to digitally preserve our psyches so they can later be uploaded into artificial bodies. It won't be enough for us to develop an elixir for DNA deterioration so we can live forever. No, why settle for immortality or simulation when the multiplicity of being is on the horizon? Living forever, after all, isn't nearly as enticing as living anew over and over again. We'll devise recursive rebirth. We'll set up the whole scheme so that with each new life the memory of the old is erased, until some final drawing of the curtain reveals the memory of a million billion lives lived, a deluge of total recall. And that will be the payoff, when one is finally free to bask in the ecstasy and terror of seeing and knowing all at once and forever.

Until then, we'll consume and make art. We'll live vicariously in every way possible because it isn't enough to live one life. We need to get inside the shoes and skin of others, and out of our own. The way Ryan Muirhead does.

I first met Ryan on a stoop in 2009. He sat effeminately, knees pulled up to his chest, ankles crossed, arms wrapped around shins, one hand clasping one wrist. This was before he was Instafamous, before he globetrotted, speaking at audiences of seasoned photographers seeking more depth. I didn't recognize in him then artistic aptitude or uncompromising vision. But then, I wouldn't have. Mostly I saw an awkward flannel-wearing longhair whose scratchy voice seemed always one note from breaking, like a dam holding back hurt.

A couple years later, after getting to know Ryan and following his work on Facebook, I messaged him, "I love your work! Absolutely amazing!"

"Thank you," he replied.

Ryan didn't need to hear this. He was by this time hooked on photography. He'd also by this time been encouraged if not lauded by his art professors, and his social media following was steadily growing. He starred on an episode of a web-based photography show called FRAMED, which garnered positive reviews. Kodak had reached out to him. Ryan's portraits possessed a quality that drew people in. He photographed friends, peers, and family, but mostly young, beautiful women, some of whom were aspiring models. With Ryan, they were able to tease out their creative impulses, just as he was able to with them. As a result, his photos often felt like records of young love. And they were in that he was documenting, at least on some level, youthful infatuation with art, creativity, and world-as-oyster rippled with youthful uncertainty. All of this played out on social media, which to this day serves as Ryan's gallery and journal. His everyday posts were at once witty, playful, confident, but also concerned and idealistic, much like any Millennial's. But his photos were emotional, and this was his calling card. This was what always yielded clamor on social media. People obsessed over the emotion Ryan was able to convey photographically. And like all publicity, it fed on itself. Comments became shares became likes became comments. Interviews, sponsorships, and speaking engagements followed. Ryan, it appeared, was fast approaching that apogee of Americanism, that promised panacea for discontent: fame and fortune from following a passion.

Then something shifted. Not in his trajectory but in his expressiveness. Ryan's social media posts went from lighthearted and droll to darkly personal. He included with his photos melodramatic lyrics from songs by favorite bands The Used and Daughter. His portraits of young females opened up into something more cavernous and acute. One could see in them wilting flowers, freshly-penetrated hymen, nostalgia for virginity, and lament for impurity. In some instances, they looked like nothing more nor less than a post-coitus record, a document of defloration. This sentiment made some viewers decidedly uncomfortable, even critical of Ryan and his work, accusing him of making porn, which only further buoyed his reputation.

I sensed Ryan was exploring in his work more than sex and beauty, and in early 2014 I interviewed him for a personal blog. I began by asking Ryan why he hadn't directed his talent into something more lucrative, like commercial or wedding work. He replied, "When I started shooting, I was miserable. I was suicidal. I hated everything about my life." This opened the door to into Ryan's depression, but also into the romantic narrative he had for it: art saved me. The post went viral, amassing 200,000 reads on the blog and republication across multiple websites.

That was nearly four years ago. Today, Ryan is a successful working artist. He doesn't sell Lightroom presets or solutions to freelancing challenges or technical tips; he supports himself from print sales and speaking engagements, plus the little he gets from a recently launched Patreon account. He calls Portland, Oregon, home—the place he ran to from Utah—but he travels several times a year. He's been to Canada, Scotland, Italy, Spain, Australia, Belgium, the Canary Islands, and back and forth across the States, getting paid to speak. In each locale, he tells his story, with his shoes off, then he photographs a model or two in front of his audiences. And he's achieved all this primarily through posting his photos on Instagram and Facebook. Sounds dreamy, right?

"If I had a button to stop existing, I'd probably use it," Ryan says.

Ryan spends nine hours a day on his phone, incessantly checking Instagram, which he wishes he could stop. When he can curtail his social media use, he disappears into StarCraft for hours on end, a fact he isn't proud of. And this escapism has increased in recent years. He shoots less than he'd like to, but he also has little inclination to. "I have no determination, no willpower," he says. "I work really hard out of desperation, not out of aspiration. That's all that moves me. That's my work to me. I feel an existential horror that I can't drop for five minutes even when on a beach on the best day of my life, but I can drop it in moments of creation when I get overwhelmed with the beauty of something." That beauty in creation is losing potency for Ryan. The savior he'd thought he found in art is letting him down. "I assumed I would get to the answer," he says, "I assumed I would get to inner peace, and I didn't even get close."

~~~

When I solicited Ryan for that 2014 interview, I wanted total access. I wanted to connect, not just observe and listen. The intimacy that Ryan seeks with his subjects, I'd sought with him, for how can one properly depict another, make them a character in some artistic representation, without first getting entwined?

I was disappointed. Ryan, for all his magnetism, was not engaging. Despite our having known each other as acquaintances for years, despite our having once shared Christmas dinner, there was little reciprocity. No doubt, I was unprofessional, even boyish, in my interviewing; he was uncongenial. If the conversation drifted even subtly away from Ryan and his work, I detected impatience. The artist-as-friend-and-mentor I'd sought did not yield, at least not how I'd wanted.

Following the online success of our interview, Ryan reached out to me and said he had more to say, that he wanted to do a follow-up interview. I was reluctant, given that I hadn't initially gained the closeness I'd wanted. I feared that Ryan saw in me an opportunity to further expand his persona. I didn't want to oblige him of this desire, nor did I want to exploit it. At the same time, I saw in Ryan a complex character on which I believed I could tell a story of fidelity to the Ideal, and a willing subject at that. I hinted as much to him, and he made efforts to bring me into his world. We talked on a few occasions, and he invited me to dinner and drinks with him and his closest friends, but nothing fruited. Whether right or not, I felt I couldn't properly reveal a subject without getting involved. Ryan, it seemed, did not want to get involved. He wanted to be studied.

And not just by me. When I spent time with Ryan and his artist friends, I saw what resembled more a group of acolytes and leader than old college pals. The conversation invariably drifted around Ryan and his interests, with Ryan generally seated at the head or middle of whatever dinner table we happened to be seated at. One evening, in a seemingly innocent play, everyone participated in shining lights on Ryan and photographing him. The scene resembled The Last Supper, Ryan as Jesus. Their online interactions, too, resembled less sincere conversation than public endorsements of one another. Ryan's friends would tag and praise him online, and he'd occasionally return the public foreplay, sharing or praising his comrades' work. What you're now reading was prompted by Ryan. He suggested I write the piece to accompany his featured work in Unvæl. "It doesn't have to be anything flattering," he said.

Since that request, we've talked at length on a couple of occasions, even hung out. When hanging out, he'll often check his phone mid-conversation, without warning, without apology. In groups of three or more, he'll drift into his phone for minutes on end or wander off, especially if and when the conversation slips from his domain. During one phone conversation, Ryan explained to me that he has no interest in other people, except those who make exceptional artwork. Even then, he wants only to get inside their heads to understand their commitment and process, try to employ that in his own work. "If you got what you wanted," I asked, "would you any longer have interest in that person?"

"No," he said.

"I'm heartbroken I'm not a rock star," Ryan told me over the phone. He likes speaking before his audiences, dislikes engaging with them. Seminars offer him opportunity to perform, just as his Instagram feed does, which is what he really enjoys. He wants a million social media followers, wants to be celebrated in death, wants to be the fly on the wall at his own funeral so he can bask in the eulogies. This last point, which we discussed on my patio, gets Ryan giddy and glassy-eyed, aroused. The eulogies would be particularly poignant in the case of a tragic death, we agree, which can't really happen past the age of 40. If suicide offers Ryan an escape from the throes of being, something he's openly contemplated, it also offers him the opportunity to be memorialized. Ryan identifies with, even hesitatingly compares himself to Western society's notable tortured artists who took life into their own hands—Vincent Van Gogh, Kurt Cobain, David Foster Wallace. Then, when the conversation moves from him and his imagined encomium, he deflates and talks again of feeling empty.

The messages and emails from fans are no consolation. Since going public with his depression and the palliative effects of making art, throngs have lettered Ryan, disclosing their own unbearable moods and states of mind. In Ryan, they've found a patron saint, a man who despite the pain of existing has found cause to go on. To which Ryan says, "The emotional adulation has become distressing. People write all that time and say, 'Your work had an impact on me not killing myself.' And now I'm like, 'Joke's on you. In five years, it doesn't work anymore.'" But, for now, he keeps hitting those like buttons on Instagram and Facebook, encouraging his fans who have undertaken art in search of meaning and reprieve. Deep down, however, his feelings run contrary. "I made all this work out of pain and not wanting to be here, which gave hope to others who have pain and don't want to be here, which gave hope to me. And now I've realized it doesn't work, and I don't want to share it. That's the darkness: I don't want people to feel encouraged or inspired by my art."

The relationship with young beauties, too, is lackluster. Arguably, Ryan's portraits of women are unequaled in depicting vulnerability, delicacy, darkness and intimacy. But it ends there. He's openly said on social media that the remnants of his upbringing in Utah's sexually repressive culture get channeled into his work. He didn't experience his first kiss until twenty-six. When I ask him of this sexual tension, he replies, "It's always been there." From the beginning, Ryan has wanted to shoot the kind of women he doesn't date or have sex with. Through the lens, he's able to explore those he might otherwise never see in the nude, never get close to, never tell what to do, never elicit such coy surrender and willing obedience from.

That's not to say he hasn't had opportunity for sex, though. In such enthralling moments of creation, desires flare. Ryan's subjects have on occasion solicited him, but he's shunned their advances in the moment, foregoing sexual intimacy in favor of creative friction. He'd rather not trade one pleasure for the other, he explains. By sublimating his biological drive, by denying himself the forbidden fruit, he can prolong that headspace of reprieve, longer attend to the Ideal. He foregoes tactile connection with an actual beauty for cognitive connection to that imagined Beauty. A true martyr. And what's more romantic than that?

~~~

David Foster Wallace, one of Ryan's artistic paragons, demonstrates in his short story The Depressed Person that depression invariably looks like narcissism. The story, which is just nine pages, plummets readers into the internal struggle of the wearyingly self-conscious Depressed Person. Readers are subjected to the Depressed Person's ceaseless and sorrowful moping over every aspect of her life, worry over how the moping is perceived, fear that nobody cares, frustration that no one can empathize with her angst, and lament for the fact that only her therapist will listen, whom she must pay to do so. Wallace shows how horrifying the inability to get out of one's own head can be. The story of self-absorption is all-consuming. And it's nauseating. Wallace seems intent on sickening the reader if only to show that depression is socially unacceptable. It's a condition that sends potential helpmates running rather than reaching. The irony, or tragedy, is that the Depressed Person wants desperately to be attended to, understood, cradled. Of course, for the non-depressed person, the cure for such plight, trite though it may be, is gratitude and human connection. But these are the very things the Depressed Person cannot muster. For some, this raises a curious question: is self-obsession the cause or consequence of loneliness and psychological terror? For the depressed person, the question invokes tailspin.

Such questions plague Ryan. He says, "The number one thing I'm confronting is the realization that you have to adopt a belief system to propel yourself forward, and I can't. I can't amass a framework and be like, 'That's the one.'" He expresses as much on social media, which only further solidifies the narrative regarding him: brutally honest tortured artist teaches humanity. But then he wonders whether that's his motive, to reinforce a flattering story. He considers his social media posts honest but also performative, and he worries over whether he's become too theatrical, too caught up in his own show. He knows what to articulate to interviewers. Martyrs have always prostrated themselves on the altar of truth, and their exchange is glory. Has Ryan adopted this role in hopes of the payoff, or does there exist some artist archetype, some particular psyche that plays out in few humans? "Either I'm insane, or crazy, or lying," Ryan says. "I'm such a different person when alone, and nobody knows."

Maybe the pain derives from sensitivity. When Ryan and I have occasion to hang out, which is barely seldom, we'll often drive through a Del Taco for a bean burrito and fries. He'll lean toward my window from the passenger side and ask the drive-thru attendant how he or she is doing. He'll then thank the attendant profusely, hand him a few dollars as a tip. A friend of Ryan's says it was Ryan who took him in during his divorce, gave him a place to stay. "One night," the friend recounts, "I broke down and he just listened to me for hours." When I asked a workshop attendee what she thought of Ryan's presentation, she answers, "He focuses on the human, not the photograph." His subjects concur. One model explains it was Ryan who helped her overcome her concerns of objectification inherent in the modeling industry. She explains how Ryan involved her in the creative process, made the affair collaborative and about connection rather than some desired outcome. She says, "I'm creating something too, and with Ryan it always feels like that." For my own experience, Ryan always pays for Uber, covers the cost of gas or bean burritos, and shares his Scotch. He is also one of two paying contributors to my blog, and has been for nearly a year.

But the beauty of Ryan is his genius. I'm reluctant to say this because firstly I'm no qualified judge, secondly there's nothing concrete to point to, thirdly I don't want to reinforce a vain and burdensome trope. What is genius? Here's what I think. I've worked with insightful businessmen who with acumen amassed millions of dollars, but none was genius. I've known popular leaders of organizations and groups, able to bring people together around a cause with uncanny ease, but none was genius. I've worked with prolific artists who turn out salable work over and over again, who demonstrate volumes of knowledge, and who express it unqualifiedly, but none is genius. In hindsight, I've known and been relatively close to two people who, from my view, embodied that attribute "genius." One, an odd and articulate reader of people, an extremely intelligent man interested in biology, shot himself in his 20s. The other, a man with a prodigious and quirky memory, also extremely intelligent, is only able to prevent himself from doing the same by imbibing 300mg of ketamine a day. I'm not saying that a suicidal tendency is the marker of genius. The common denominator, if there is one, is what I can only describe as a tic. Genius seems to be an unsettling behavioral trait not conducive to categorization or description, but that relates to a way of processing information and seeing the world. There's the clear and disconcerting sense that the genius is smart not because of what he knows, but how he knows. Interacting with a genius is like playing poker with someone who can count and memorize cards. Genius is a subtle misfire, an arrhythmia of cognition, some biological anomaly or otherwise misappropriation of nature that results in a kind of twisted energy expressed in human form. It's off, but only subtly so, fruiting a complex and sometimes off-putting person that provokes us, and, if we're lucky, reveals that which we might never see, or what we might otherwise willfully ignore. Ryan, for all his murkiness, has through his art and being shown me a kind of living I might've otherwise never known.

Take all this with a grain of salt, though. This is no more a portrait of Ryan than his photographs are of his subjects. It's clear in Ryan's images that he is documenting something other than people. To view one is to think not of the person in the frame, but the one who composed it and where he's coming from. Perhaps this is Ryan's genius on display: he shows with eerie accuracy what it feels like to be him, or human, or at least that's how we imagine it. In the end, however, it's impossible to know. Ryan can't access the beautiful people he would like to, I can't access the artist I would like to, and none of us can access the Doorway we've set on the horizon for ourselves. Alas, if there is no access, there is no escape. So we keep on making art.