#id so much rather a definitive end with no hope for pick up/renewal so the writers can get everything they want to say out and not try and

[strandbegins]

this limbo they’re putting lone star in is worse than if they’d just cancel it outright

[themiddlelayer]

Anniversary... ugh

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary with MM. I got the legal separation agreement notarized on his birthday, which was the day he officially proposed. That was 6 days ago. It doesn’t have as much weight as it did last year when we were still under the same roof, but between those “memories” and a recent experience with an ex from a decade ago popping up, I’m really feeling like I need to get off of Facebook. I know I won’t do it, but I know I should. 

I took the morning off yesterday to submit my passport application. It turns out that Cuba is a 90 day hold, so there is a definitive timeframe to look forward to after all. I was sitting in the County Clerk’s office when I saw a friend request from... let’s call him, LEO. My heart skipped a beat. I had a hot flash. All kinds of feels that took a minute to push past in order to get through the morning. 

I came home and spent the morning getting the house back in proper order after about a week of just letting things go. I had the Super Lunar Boobs and all the crazy that comes with it for awhile there and my medicated fudge was the best remedy. Lots of time melted into the couch Netflixing was had. 

Towards the end of the day, LEO sent me a “wave” and we started chatting shortly after that.. kind of. He started with "Can I just say I missed you so much!! I thought about you often!! So what going on in your life?married single divorced”

After my update that ended with me saying that I’m living with my boyfriend things devolved quickly. 

Seriously.... what the actual fuck, dude!?! We dated in middle school and then 10 years ago he popped up again telling me that his mom had forced him to break up with me then because she said I wasn’t good enough for him. (In fairness, my father was the local drug dealer so... yeah...) But that I was his first love and he really regretted breaking up with me.

When we re-connected, he was married but said he was miserable and that the only thing keeping him there was his dear Aunt Rosy. Not a week later he called me and told me that Aunt Rosy had died. Seriously. A few weeks later, I ran away for a weekend with him and came home with a ring and the promise that he was going to leave his wife and move down to Texas to be with me. 

After a few months of his phone calls on the way into SWAT calls where he would tell me how much he loved me and that he hoped to survive the call so he could come be with me, I broke down and ended it. Hurt like hell, but I knew better. I have friends still in our hometown who verified that he’s been working with the Sheriff’s Department for years so it wasn’t all total bullshit. But seriously?!?

 It brought up all of my feelings of being objectified and turned into some big fantasy of ‘the one who got away’ AGAIN. He’s not the first guy from back home to say things like that to me. But he was the only one I actually got involved with as an adult... and fell for hard, which lead to a big heartbreak. He’s still ridiculously hot and is all about his sobriety these days which is why the initial pitter patters, but after that “conversation” I was further reminded of how great my life is with Tampa. 

If only we could both get into jobs we don’t hate, things would be golden. I’m only working a half day today because I need to go get my ID renewed this afternoon and I have actual work I should be doing. But of course I’m not. I got a good start on things, but I simply can’t make myself get into the right headspace to do the work. It feels like true executive dysfunction. I need to do it. I want to do it. I simply can’t. 

On a better note, we finally put the new mattress on the bed last night. Rather than paying the homeowners $100 for the shitty one that had a huge dent in it on Tampa’s side, I spent about $225 for a new one on Amazon. It’s way more comfortable. Now to start looking for a new frame since we’ve all but killed the cheap-o one that Tampa got when I first moved in. I have a few more small household things I need to pick up so I’ve got a brunch and shopping date planned with Cookie tomorrow. 

I still feel stuck. My weight is up, but holding right at 170lbs. I know that the medicinal fudge is helping my stress levels and pain, but even the little munchies are adding up and my pants are tight. Tampa’s back pain has all but disappeared since we started consuming but his weight is up, too. I know this is part of the ‘honeymoon phase’ of life but I know we’re past all the NRE and need to get our shit together. 

Counting the minutes until I can log out for the day and get this appointment over with. The weekend needs to start NOW!