#ia m old fart

[nottheoone]

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[scottstiles]

20 years ago when i was a paramedic in jerusalem we got called to a 10th floor apartment where a woman wasn’t waking up and we arrived to see this old lady sitting upright on her couch completely white feet and legs all blue and ballooned up to her hips . turns out she had been dead all day her son did’n’t want to “wake” her and when we told him..uhhh.. she’s so clearly a corpse.. he ran down the 10 flights and started bashing his head against the sidewalk so we ended up taking HIM on the ambulance not his dead mom but anyway that’s what my legs and feet look like minus the blue. i feel like a corpse :/

[allthatwehear]

a decade of seasons - of yielding

i don’t need a giant friend group to teach me of my worth. i don’t need guys blowing up my phone to tell me i am beautiful. i don’t need work to tell me that i cannot lift heavy trays, or that i shouldn’t be a host because i have a pretty face (i tell them). i don’t need to be okay. i don’t need to spend my precious time with people i do not bond with, with ones who speak about their families in ways that make my ears bleed, who say that relationships are all there is, who don’t speak but hold liquor or weed between their teeth - who are shallow. i don’t need to let lies flock my mind, of my weight, of if i feel like dressing up nice, ia m allowed, it doesn’t make me any less “genuine” or “sincere”. this, has been the season - of me desperately trying to grasp what i can of my comfortable, old life. where did the time go? where did my freshmen innocence, butterflies of hands held with frank, of big wheels and city lights, passed smiles and late-nights in the library, where did the ignorance of running on ocean shores with new, mountaineer friends go? who scooped me up when i was hurting - where did the roommate go who got me through a break up in probably record time, who assured me i was lovely. where did the time go when those friends were writing me letters while i was away, and i never felt so cared for and missed by a group of people i’d only known for a few months. where did the time go that we cuddled on our dorm room couch together, could text a group of 16 people and never be alone, never sit at dinner by ourselves. and suddenly i was sitting at discount tire, looking out the window at the starbucks, thinking about alyssa sharp’s post: yield. yield. yield to the seasons. yield to the lord. expectations breed resentment: you are angry with god because life isn’t what you thought it would be. you are trying to play your cards right and make people miss you or make them run back to you, you’re trying to make people care who don’t or won’t have the capacity to, you’re expecting people to be on your level. YOU ARE SHRINKING TO FIT YOURSELF INTO PLACES YOU HAVE OUTGROWN

SHRINKING YOURSELF

WHERE IS YOUR GROWTH? WHERE IS YOUR TRUE SELF?

WHO, DO YOU WANT TO BE? 

you don’t know where you will be in ten more years. the next decade to pass. my sweet; you have gone through hell and back. remember your walks in the cemetary? “even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil”, was uttered like an incantation, as if those were the only words you’d learn how to say, the only thing you could possibly utter. 

2010-2020

you were young and you ran around the charro fields with chicken eggs in your hand, a cape to your back. you fed the cook’s horses and you played with porcelain ones, the best way to bond with your sister maddie. you didn’t know your other two sisters well but you got there, eventually. the marriage fell apart before your eyes and there were secrets whispered in the big, gaping rooms of that large house - and you were the last to know. and maddie knew it and you didn’t. there, at bill’s house, you cried so hard you thought you were having a mental breakdown, and since then sometimes when you cry you actually feel like your heart is going to burst and you’re just going to die. ever since then - you were shuffled to a new home, kind of an ugly neighborhood, you thought. you were closer to your friends? to 7/11 walks, sometimes the gym with mom, the pool with autumn. you and juge and maddie and caroline and mom watched friends pretty much every night, or big bang theory. caroline made fart sounds with her arm. you liked to play music on the stero when no one was home. the day you moved into crystal place susy helped you paint and mom bought us wendy’s chicken sandwiches and frosty’s. julia moved out and you got your first kiss and caroline and maddie were still awake, so you sat on the tile and wiped your mouth out, describing how slobbery and disgusting it was, and it was a total bonding moment. you went to silvercreek high school, certainly was super unattractive, nor popular. yuo had gooby weird friends, chris, nora, tori, ian, but it was fun. they were sweet. they weren’t shallow. crystal house was honestly kind of a blur. 

kauaii happened and caroline died. 

what would you do if you weren’t sad?

marta just told me that things change, it shows that we are growing. 

i don’t feel like i’m growing, though - i feel like i’m dying. going in reverse, reverse-progress, reverse growth. the last time i think i was actually healthily growing was freshmen year of college - because of the immense SUPPORT & INCREDIBLE girls i had around me! it was insane, how much i grew. 

just think. it’s a new decade. what could happen in ten more years? you could get married. you could have children. you could travel the world, you could travel to thailand. you could sing in public, you could go swing dancing again, you could spend new years with a genuine kiss, you could stop wearing make-up, you could find a new part of yourself, you could nanny, you could be a barista, you will graduate college, you could move to another state, you could master something else physically or maybe surf mroe, you could move in with marta with a cat, someone could hold your hand and never let go, maybe slip a ring on it, someone could stare at you like you are their moon and their stars, you could climb five mountains, maybe six, you could camp outside alone/in a fire tower, you could learn ten different things, you could cook better, you could do a half-marathon in hawaii, you could start a memoir, you could start a photography business, you could feel your heart beating so fast, you could have your heart broken again but resurface from the drowning, you’re going to be okay. you could move to four different houses, you could crash your car, you could find your dream job, you could become a missionary/join peace corp, you could eat a new fruit, your friends could get married, you could go to lots of weddings, you could do yoga in the park in california, you could swim in the ocean at night, 

i want to laugh and be foolish. i want to not take myself or life so seriously - hold it all loosely, don miller says. hold your life loosely - live with one foot in the kingdom always, and you will live through anything. because in a way, you know it’ll all get better one day, anyway. that the riches, compliments, etc. don’t need to matter so much. what matters is dance parties and forgetting about how “old” you’re turning. what matters is friends who will look deeply at you and say “dude stop being so stupid and shrinking yourself” and they’ll remind you that you’re worth more and you don’t have to fit to meet other people’s standards. you don’t have to fit to meet other people’s standards. you don’t have to fit, to meet, other people’s, standards. God loves you - i love you. anyways. yes, i want to go on nighttime surfing trips, and 4am mountain hikes before classes. i’d like to find my softness again and devote more time to volunteering or church or something. i’d like to give my life more purpose, again. yield to the season - let come, what is going to come, but yield to the season, yield, yield, release, surrender, let it all go, let it all go, you are just learning on this earth. growing pains, your mind always says, it’s all just growing pains. think of the ways your legs shot up when you were young and now your tush is sketched with stretch lines. so these growing pains are leaving you with a few scars - you’re shooting up, after all. don’t fret my darling, don’t fear. don’t fear. the future is unknown, but don’t fear. you’re going to be alright. the unknown is exciting, what could happen? a new job? a new state? a new love? a new --?? yield, yield, yield, yield, surrender, let go. yield yield to the season, yield to the pain, yield to the hurt, let it go, feel it and let it go, yield to god’s plans, yield to his heart, yield to him and let your questions go, yield to this season. you’re going to make it out alright. you’re going to be okay. yield sweetheart, yield