#i. honestly cannot feed myself. im just hoping i can get home easily today bc im not sure ill be able to even.
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I. Its gonna be a hard day.
#i cant do this im so stupid i want to die#hey lets go to the bridge#socially acceptable#diary#personal#the more absolutely exhausted i am the more i just. appear autisitic.#like. idk maybe its not that exactly. but. i sorta stim more. with a flat face. and stare off in space.#idk. im burnt out rn. so like. ill force myself to function but im not really.#i. honestly cannot feed myself. im just hoping i can get home easily today bc im not sure ill be able to even.#like. i may have to give up at some point and find somewhere to like. sit down for a bit.#yknow what happens when something goes wrong for me (like i miss a bus). i just sorta walk aimlessly.#bc internally its like but like. externally im very flat.#god im already just dreading everything i have to do when i get home today.#i have to shower. feed the bunny ...thats it really.#i probably wont bother feeding myself today. unless its grab n go via the fridge.#its too expensive to buy myself anything. i dont wanna bother.#god i feel like such a bother. whenever like this i get into the loop of thinking that i just. should push through everything. im faking#mn. im getting myself really worked up already. i really wanna walk around. its maybe calming? but when i do its aimless#and i cant stop when im distressed. bc i have to find a destination to stop and usually i think#mn. its not like i want to die or anything. i just need to curl up in a warm dark very quiet place. n listen to my music and slee0#i. think today will turn out very badly. haha. i hope i dont have a breakdown. probably will?#suicidal ideation#its too bad its socially unacceptable to lick out cups. i always do. whenever i make a latte at home i lick out the last bit to get it all.#mn. im always trying to be and mask. and honestly im so upset. so hopefully i still look okay at this cafe#well maybe ill get high when i get home today ...if i dont work tomorrow. fuck this is all burning me out.#ik i can do it. but its hard bc i need something to keep going. like. idk. all the horrible coping mechanisms i prevent myself from doing#are really what keep me from having a breakdown. tho i guess its just a moreso controlled breakdown. cuz i usually do anyways.#drugs tw#mn. i think ill just plan and prepare for the rheumatologist appointment next week. planning calms me. and i ran out of books to read#i dont feel like reading lately. too tired really. maybe i should email my therapist like ive been meaning to.
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