#i. hello. i'm too embarrassed to even draw the parallels

[hideyseek]

HELLO!?

[labyrinthoftartarus]

continuing my work plus life update :3

Hello hello :D I'm back with a casual blog so ignore my grammar and stuff. I'm gonna talk more about the way I'm gonna progress my life and writing,,, so bear with me :3

How do I feel?

Demian has been an important figurine in my life. From days I spent lying open-eyed, staring at the blue light and scrolling through one webtoon panel after the other, my 8th grade was lonely. I was alone with not much of a media inlet but many many thoughts. thoughts that made me cry and kept me up at night. In this loneliness, I found peace and comfort in my own made-up world.

It embarrasses me how a made-up character, heavily referenced from a book I read changed my life. Even now as I am more grown, the impact of this hallucination weighs a lot. Whenever I'm really upset I rethink about genuine, extremely vivid memories and experiences I had with a person; be it a boy or girl, or neither, Demian played a pivotal role. It became so bad I started to look for characteristics in people that reminded me of that. How it felt so huge and monumental and vivid back then. I wanted to feel the same way which I knew I never would achieve.

I dont know if it's me slipping into another depressive spiral or a seasonal depression phase but like I said, I see the shadow of a character in people and it makes me spiral. Now I feel things I didn't know could be felt, I feel like I wore new prescription lenses and I'm seeing my life with 4k vision or smth lmfao. Which is insane. I never felt that way before, not even in my 8th grade schizo dream. Is this healthy or unhealthy? I can't tell, but I don't seem to care either way. It feels like before and it feels happy. Maybe this is my 8th grade fantasies coming to life and perhaps this was all real back then too.

Cool, but how does it impact my writing now on?

I posted my work Did You Even Feel Half Of What I've Slowly Become and people liked it a lot. It wasn't my usual style and I experimented by writing to the rhythm of songs and it worked. I was trying to draw parallels of 8th-grade schizo experience into a storyline and tried to work around it. Im very proud of it ngl even tho its not my best work it has potential and i did well for my first try.

Sooooooo yeah. I will write more of it and continue with the Demian plotline as of now. I've been even working on a manuscript and making changes to every chapter to express the main story. I want people to feel the hopelessness and the existential misery of Demian bc he doesn't know he's real, whilst exploring how the girl moved on bc she doesn't believe its real anymore and has given up.

Recovery is hard but freeing. Once you recover, you don't feel the same pain you felt once upon a time. I want to emphasize the feeling of losing not only oneself but your loved ones in recovery and the pain of slowly slipping into dissociation as well. In my experience, being hurt and depressed was one of the most vivid and valuable times of my life. Ever since then, I felt as if I lost track of myself. Losing a fake character I made for my comfort and solace eventually made me yearn for a fake connection like that again. I am not sure if it's fake, but I do not think it's real. Still, it was the realest I've felt up until now.