#i've spent the last year and a half physically and mentally falling apart and I'm finally able to begin fixing myself

[rise-in-exile]

22 September 2024

So, it begins. The last week of my twenties. On Tuesday, 1 October I turn 30.

I remember I spent my 20th birthday driving around the county in a van that was falling apart picking up some print orders for the advertising agency I worked for at the time. Bearing in mind I was employed a copywriter, not a courier. Fast forward 10 years and I'm a part qualified accountant. In the evening me and my friend Adam went to the local gastro-pub and had steak and a lot of pints. Fast forward 10 years, I'm still best friends with Adam who is now a father to a fantastic two and a half year old boy. Shortly after turning 20 I entered into a relationship, which turned out to be wildly damaging and toxic. I ended it shortly before turning 23 and that was my last relationship.

I don't really regret anything about my twenties. I've picked up a lot of lessons I'll apply to my 30s. One of the biggest being the importance of looking after my physical and mental health. I can't be of service to myself or others when my physical and mental health is in the gutter. Throughout my 20s my physical and mental health has been a game of peaks and valleys and I think that's just life but I've learned there are things I can do, I can implement as non-negotiables to sensure they're the best they can be. So...2025...specifically April 2025...I have booked a half marathon in Lake Garda, Italy for the start of April and the end of April, Hyrox Barcelona. Two physical challenges which are going to push me out of my comfort zone and require some discipline and further training coupled with TRAVELLING. Something I didn't do even close to enough of during my 20s.

[learn-and-accept]

Guess who finally has health insurance again!!!!

[greatestheights]

big, sad life updates below.

it's legit been years since I've been on tumblr in a meaningful way, and I've missed all of you a ton. too, I've missed fandom, and losing myself in fiction.

I've gotten a couple queries about some things via private messenger over the years, questions that I responded to sparingly or not at all. not because I was trying to be secretive or ignore people, but because I didn't know what to say.

I'm planning to be here more now, and because my life is pretty tough rn, that's bound to come up. I wanted to write this out now so that if need be I can just link to it, or just so people know what's up. there really is no need to respond if you don't know what to say. tbh, it also helps me to write it out. that alone is cathartic enough.

so. here we go. I no longer know how to insert "read more" links via mobile (or if they exist anymore), so here's where I tell you to keep scrolling now if you need to. consider this a broad trigger warning for mental health, eating disorders, mentions of addiction, and death of a child.

a list of things that have happened since July of 2018, aka the last time I was active on tumblr:

my husband and I took emergency custody of our niece, K, who was two-and-a-half at the time. K is my husband's sister's biological child. my sister-in-law is a long-time heroin addict who became homeless and relapsed; we took K so the state wouldn't. in that time, we have become her legal guardians and more importantly, her parents. at this point, it looks likely that K will be ours forever. she is now a bright, incredibly adorable 4.5-year-old with an unending supply of energy and a passion for fierce rainbow unicorns. we are lucky to be her mom and dad.

immediately after K came to us, I started grad school and we moved states (AZ ➡️ CO again). I am one thesis defense and two term papers shy of a master's in journalism. I'm primarily an audio journalist and have spent the last two years reporting and producing podcasts and radio stories.

I spent the winter and spring of 2019 in the hospital (as well as partial-hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs), where I was treated for anorexia and PTSD. I basically did nothing but therapy all day every day from January through August of 2019. like most important things in life, recovery is the hardest and also the best thing I've ever done for myself.

in December of 2019, I found out I was pregnant, due August 17. it was the best time of my life so far. I was emotionally and physically stable, kicking ass at grad school, and producing stories for a local community radio station on the reg. when the pandemic hit, my mental health started to tank, but I was still relatively stable — focused on taking care of K, getting ready to defend my thesis, and my work as a research assistant for two journalists.

in April, my son, Ronan (Roo), was born extremely prematurely at 23 weeks gestation after I suffered a very serious complication. it was unclear at first if either of us would survive, but we did. Roo fought extremely hard in the NICU. he was strong, and beautiful, and surprising. he made me laugh every day. the best moments of my life were the times I was allowed to hold him.

in early June, at six weeks old exactly, Roo died in my arms after contracting a horrific infection he could not fight. and there isn't much more to say, honestly. it is the worst. no silver linings, no sugar coating: I'm not sure how to survive. right now, I'm spending most of my days distracting myself with fiction and reddit, ignoring my thesis, and wishing time would just stop speeding ahead so goddamn fast.

so. that's it. if you read this far, bless you. I'm not even sure why I felt the need to write all of this out, except for the fact that it helps to be honest when your life is falling apart. the more vulnerable and open I am, the better I feel. and the more I talk about K and Roo, the more connected to both of them I feel.

parenthood is the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, but I also wouldn't trade a moment of it. even the nightmare parts. even the days spent grieving, the nights spent wrangling a tantruming preschooler into the bath, the moments where I've had to face the reality of how cruel and random and completely fucking unfair life can be.

thanks for listening. I'm not out of the hole yet by any means, but as we all know, it helps to have company down there in the dark.

[coppercorn-and-cauldron]

1) What’s your philosophy in life? People are idiots, fuck 'em. And: Keep getting up. Except for days when it's eminently sensible to stay snuggled up in bed with a good book, because everything in moderation including responsibility and contrariness.

2) What’s one thing you would like to change about yourself? The health reliability and damage to and of my body.

3) Which parent are you closer to and why? Probably my mother, just due to circumstances and the emotional immaturity of my dad when he was alive.

4) What was the best phase of your life? Haven't seen it yet.

5) What was the worst phase of your life? Probably tweens and early teens. Situational depression, hormonal depression, diagnosed but untreated ADHD, (still) undiagnosed probable autism, bullying, golden child vs scapegoat/forgotten child issues while living with dad, hell just being stuck in a bra that was a 14B when I was probably at a 12F (I spent an entire year bruised the fuck up before I shoplifted something closer to the correct size) made the time suck arse.

6) Where is your favorite place in the entire world to go? Various books. Though the concept of moving to a colder climate is starting to become a nice serotonin generating exercise.

7) What qualities do you admire about your parents? Physical capability (dad's building) and mental capability(mum's nursing).

8) What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love? I wasn't silly enough to do "crazy" shit for infatuation(s), even if I had the impulse to do so. Haven't managed to fall big L in love so I reserve the right to do something epically dumb because of love at some point in the future.

9) What’s your biggest pet peeve? Laziness and unthinking entitlement. Especially when it impacts my life or immediate environment.

10) What is your greatest fear? Not being able to pursue the career I want or being unable to have kids before I need to evict my uterus for bad behaviour. Oh and financial insecurity.

*stares into the camera like that dude from The Office*

11) What is the weirdest thing about you? My teeth, probably. Falling apart from the gum line up (no matter how well they're cared for) but strong, long rooted, and ridiculously healthy below the gum line. My last extraction the tooth was ¾ gone above the gum line but required a full surgical cut-down, dividing into four pieces, an hour and a half, 2x the local anaesthetic, and both the nurse and I holding my jaw steady so that the dentist could get enough leverage to muscle the pieces out.

12) If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be? Don't take that job go back to school now......buy stock in Apple tech.

13) If you could get away with anything what would you do? I don't know....jewel heist, luxury vehicle heist (just for the fun of it)? A few judicious political assassinations? Co-opting the wealth and non-liquid assets of a few billionaires and pulling a Robin Hood.

14) What is your biggest irrational fear? Probably just liminal fear or fear of failure. Look, you know it's bullshit and when you look back at that Big Thing it's basically nothing but your brain won't stop with the fear until after you've Done The Big Thing Which Is Actually A Tiny/Normal Thing.

15) What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? Dude, I'm on melatonin. Every night is the strangest dream I've ever had.

16) What is the darkest thought you’ve ever had? Probably teen suicidal ideation (with attendant suicidal depression, before I developed what has been termed a "zen approach to suicidal ideation" and figured out which meds cause it (intrusive suicidal ideation....because why would I get a normal side effect...FFS body get your shit together) outside of major depressive states). Ok so yes, there may have been a few "flay this fucker alive" or "crack their skull like an egg" impulses but I managed not to act on them.

17) Have you always held the same political beliefs? Is there something that impacted them? I've always been more centre-left. I've drifted more left as politics in general have drifted more right-wing. Being part of a vulnerable class or two will tend to do that to you (make you left wing).

18) Is home a place or a feeling? Describe it. Home is a feeling. It's where you feel safe and comfortable. That feeling could be caused by a specific place, the people around you, or a specific point in your life that you've reached, or any combo thereof.

19) Have you ever questioned your sanity and why? Questioned it as in "am I going nuts"? Nope. I've always been well aware of the times my brain has destabilised. You either change the situation causing it, change how you respond to what's causing it, or just change your brain chemistry via meds until the crisis point has passed.

20) Would you find more comfort in the theoretical idea that we’re the most advanced species in the universe or would you find more comfort in the idea that we weren’t? The latter. It would mean that our current level isn't the peak of any civilisation and that the more advanced one(s) have the common sense to stay the fuck away until we reach an equal footing and a bit more collective maturity.

21) Do you believe in other dimensions and parallel universes? Yes. The whole idea is just cool.

22) If you could have the option of eradicating pain from your life would you do so? Why or why not? Pain in all its forms? Probably not. It's part of life, emotionally speaking. It's a necessary protective mechanism physically. But to snap my fingers and make my chronic pain-inducing condition(s) go away? Hell yes, of course.

23) Presented with the opportunity to be immortal, would you take it? Why or why not? If I got good health and a modicum of youth with it (and decent financial backing) I'd probably go for immortality. Time is a resource and an abundance of it means that you can do and learn things that you would otherwise have to choose not to due to other responsibilities/needs.

24) Tell me a really, really stupid joke that made you laugh. Sorry, no can do. Brain squish eats lightweight memories like this for breakfast. Even the really dumbarse one I saw on a comedy show last night which I should be able to remember now.

25) If you were given the chance to explore the oceans, go to outer space or visit 50 different countries, which one would you choose and why? The oceans. Because there is so much that we don't know about earth's oceans and developing the tech to get there and live there for long enough to study in depth means that we'd also be developing tech that would help with prolonged space exploration. I could always do a xenobiology major after my undersea research and sign up for space travel off the back of all those new marine environment discoveries that I made.

26) If you were given a choice to turn into a zombie or die, which would you pick? Death. I'd rather not be a hungry, shambling corpse that kills others, tyvm.

27) If you had to pick one, what is the most important value you would teach your children? Honesty, kindness, or courage? Courage. Because if you have that you often have the ability (or even just the luxury) to indulge in the other two.

28) How do you wish to be remembered? I don't.

29) How would you summarize your life purpose? TBD.

30) Would you sacrifice yourself for a stranger? This is entirely situational and can't be answered truthfully unto you're in the moment.

31) What’s the most memorable lesson you learned from your parents? That you can bee good at what you do and work hard and life events can still fuck up your future/finances/plans etc.

32) What obstacles are you currently trying to overcome? Ill health and lack of financial wherewithal.

33) What memory instantly makes you smile? None at the moment. Brain squish issues seem to have swallowed a lot. The neural networks might still be partially there but I can't access them at the moment.

34) Do you trust anyone with your life? Not really. But I do trust my mother to make necessary medical decisions if I can't myself. She knows that if my brain is gorked I'd rather be scrapped for parts. So maybe I trust her with my (dignified) death? And she's an ex-nurse so she has more practical knowledge of medical realities than the average parent.

35) What’s your favourite thing about yourself? I probably don't have the necessary psychological construct of a sense of self-esteem to answer this but.... Physically? Cheekbones or eyes. Personality-wise? The fuck all y'all stubbornness that kept me alive and functional(ish).

Jeez, why did I spend so much time answering all this?! And damn, but does it highlight all the restrictions that chronic illnesses cause in your life.

35 deep asks to pass the time

1) What’s your philosophy in life? 2) What’s one thing you would like to change about yourself? 3) Which parent are you closer to and why? 4) What was the best phase of your life? 5) What was the worst phase of your life? 6) Where is your favorite place in the entire world to go? 7) What qualities do you admire about your parents? 8) What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love? 9) What’s your biggest pet peeve? 10) What is your greatest fear? 11) What is the weirdest thing about you? 12) If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be? 13) If you could get away with anything what would you do? 14) What is your biggest irrational fear? 15) What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? 16) What is the darkest thought you’ve ever had? 17) Have you always held the same political beliefs? Is there something that impacted them? 18) Is home a place or a feeling? Describe it. 19) Have you ever questioned your sanity and why? 20) Would you find more comfort in the theoretical idea that we’re the most advanced species in the universe or would you find more comfort in the idea that we weren’t? 21) Do you believe in other dimensions and parallel universes? 22) If you could have the option of eradicating pain from your life would you do so? Why or why not? 23) Presented with the opportunity to be immortal, would you take it? Why or why not? 24) Tell me a really, really stupid joke that made you laugh. 25) If you were given the chance to explore the oceans, go to outer space or visit 50 different countries, which one would you choose and why? 26) If you were given a choice to turn into a zombie or die, which would you pick? 27) If you had to pick one, what is the most important value you would teach your children? Honesty, kindness, or courage? 28) How do you wish to be remembered? 29) How would you summarize your life purpose? 30) Would you sacrifice yourself for a stranger? 31) What’s the most memorable lesson you learned from your parents? 32) What obstacles are you currently trying to overcome? 33) What memory instantly makes you smile? 34) Do you trust anyone with your life? 35) What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.