#i've rambled quite a lot but hopefully this will help you understand

[nacregames]

Hello! Sorry if this is a stupid or uninformed question, but may I ask why you are moving from CoG to Twine? I'm only asking because I myself was planning to write IF on CoG but have since seen a lot of authors move platforms, and I have no idea why...

Hi! It's not a stupid question at all. There are many reasons why I personally switched from CoG to Twine, but I think the main reason why the majority did was because of the toxic community over there.

I've never been truly active on the forum, but it was apparently bad enough for lots of people to talk about and that's how I heard about it too. Some of the readers were said to be very rude to the authors and others, who showed support were suspended for very banal reasons. Also the mods did not take care of the situations properly and actually caused everything to escalate further by applying the guidelines and rules to their own liking/opinion. It was a very messed up situation all over.

I think this will make you help understand better: [link]

The "breaking point" for me though, was that this little evil man called Jason S. H. (CoG staff) supported NFTs and let me tell you friend, I will never ever touch that BS and all that other crypto currency shit. Nor will I work with or for somebody who supports it. I don't care if it was just an idea or his own personal opinion or whatever, I just didn't want to risk falling into that pit and so I decided to switch to Twine as early as possible. I didn't like the idea of being on edge and having to worry about this, especially since that man already has his little villain campaign going on over there and it's spreading like a virus.

Apart from that...well you can do whatever you want with Twine, while you obviously can't with Choicescript. You see, cs is a very easy and practical coding language and it was so much fun using it for my game, but as fun as it is, it's just not worth the trouble. You can do the same and more with Twine. You can even save your game, add images, music, and overall give your game a personal touch. The options are limitless and there's no one to tell you what to do.

Twine is an open source narrative engine and the community is already big enough to make the learning process as good and fast as it was with cs. It was very difficult at first since there were so few authors using it, but that's not the case now. Even if you have are a very slow learner or have a hard time coding, if it's your story you want to share, you can do that.

TL;DR: Long story short, ppl on the CoG forum (mods and readers alike) were mean and Twine offers so much more possibilities to design your game and has way less restrictions!

If you need a quick rec of narrative game engines, here's a list:

Narrat is a very nice engine too, but since it's still new, it's not as "fleshed" out as Twine, but there's a community to help with problems for it too, and it grows with each day! I'm personally trying to figure it out, since I plan to use it in the future.

Inkle writer (or Ink) is pretty much the same, though way easier to use since you can literally just click which command you wanna use and it inserts it itself. Like e.g add a variable or make a choice etc. It's actually a nice tool for scripting purposes, tho I'm not sure how much exactly you can do with it, so there's that.

You could also just use Ren'py. It's generally used for VNs, but you can just as well use it for strictly text-based games. The community is huge, you can always ask for help and you can code the wildest things with it since it uses python. I mean it's said to be for beginners, but I found it more difficult than Twine, so take that as you will. But anyway, I don't think there are any restrictions to either Twine or Ren'py tho I'm just an amateur and are throwing wild guesses in here lol.

[lm-tomatito]

Espilver week day 7: Fortune

Death and love au

Silver confesses to Amy one of the reasons why he's constantly putting himself in dangerous situations despite being a common mortal: the desire to see his protector. As the angel of love that she is, Amy can't help but speculate about their possible future together.

“I already told you, I'm not the one keeping you from dying. Cupids don't have any power over life and death.” She sighed, hands on her waist and head slightly low. She was both frustrated and worried about her friend constantly putting himself in danger, and not knowing why he always escaped mortal, life changing injuries or death itself. Or more like she did know who might be the one helping him, but just not knowing why.

Her friend was someone who wanted to help others too much, not taking his own well being into account. He was very kind, always full of hope, but too stubborn and naive. It worried her a lot, not wanting to lose one of her few friends, not in a horrible way, not fighting the spirits and monsters the angels were responsible for. So, in her desire to protect her dear friend, she asked for the help of the only angels she knew could keep him safe and alive, and hopefully change his mind. But one hadn't given a concrete answer, simply shaking his head and hiding his face, not speaking as it was usual, while the other had immediately refused, saying how they shouldn't be playing so lightly with life.

Clearly, one of them had changed their mind, but why? And who?

“I know that.” He said a bit awkwardly. “I… I know who's actually helping me.”

“You do?” The pink little angel exclaimed with surprise and curiosity.

“Well…” He scratched the back of his head, his hat moving a little causing him to move his hands to fix it. “More like I've seen him. I haven't exactly interacted or spoken with him yet.”

“Uh-huh?” She promoted him to keep talking, expecting him to describe looks, clothes, anything that could help her decipher who she'd have to get answers from.

“That's why I… Umm…” She wasn't expecting him to avert his gaze so awkwardly and blush, nor the words that followed. “That's why I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I should… I need to talk to them.”

“WHAT?!” Outrageous, crazy, she was expecting him to be more careful or even quit after a couple of near death experiences, even hoping seeing an angel of death would deter him from risking his life this much. And yet here he was, wanting to do it again, and again, until he could, what, say hello to him? He shaked a bit, not out of fear or wavering determination but simply because of her loud voice, small ears trying to adjust themselves again after flattening so suddenly.

“I have to do it, I want to know their name at least. I would like to have some small talk too but I don't know how busy you guys are. What you do is like your job, right? Do you get paid for it?” He shaked his head after his little ramble, trying to focus again. “Whatever. I just want to talk to them. You're an angel of love, you understand… Right?” He asked, voice suddenly shy.

“Yes. You want me to talk with him or something?” He quickly shaked his head and she sighed. “Then? And what does me being an angel of love have to do with any-... Oh… OH.” Realization suddenly hit her, and her concerned expression changed to one of absolute joy, eyes big and sparkling while she quickly got close to her friend and took his hands in hers. “YOU’RE IN LOVE?!”

“I- No? I don't know.” He tried to answer, stumbling his words and feeling the heat on his face. He really didn't know anything about love, he hadn't ever been in any relationship, or experienced these feelings. All he knew is he was mesmerized by that angel's enigmatic appearance, his mysterious vibe, and those eyes…

“You're thinking about him!” She squealed, all too knowing about love and used to reading people's emotions. “Wait, who is it? Who did you see?”

“Who? What do you mean, there are more? Why does it sound like you know about this?”

“Oh.” She froze for a moment, nervously looking at the ground. She didn't want him to know she was trying to convince other angels to stop him from harming himself, because she knew he was doing it for a good cause, as much as it worried her. “Well, you know, angel stuff. I might or might not know him.” This made the other's suspicions go away, ears perking up with interest.

“You know the cute goth guy?” His eagerness was showing, a lot. Realizing what he said, he blushed again, his gaze finding an interest in his shoes, not elaborating more or denying his statement.

Amy thought for a bit. Goth? Death angels used black, but all of them did. Something about hiding with more ease in the shadows. She fortunately only had to figure out which one of the two death angels currently in the city he meant. If he wasn't talking about their black clothes, then vibes? But both of them had similar personalities, the two being very reserved and quiet, just one seemed more serious while the other just silently followed her around for some reason.

And then it hit her. If the blue red eyed hedgehog was only with her when he wasn't dealing with spirits or things in limbo, then only the other could be the one at his friend's side. And that meant…

That meant the one who helped his friend was the angel everyone knew for being very serious and efficient with his job, but also, the angel she knew for being a romantic, secretly sappy, and very protective of those he cared for. Reliable, a good match. A perfect match. Her cupid senses were skyrocketing.

“AH!” Her sudden excited scream made the other hedgehog jump a little bit.

“A-Amy?”

“I see it. I see it!” She exclaimed again, twirling a little, thoughts of romance in her head again, her halo brightening up and her wings flapping excitedly. Clasping her hands together, she let her fortune telling instincts run wild. “Oh, I see it so clearly! You're in the middle of a perilous confrontation, completely outnumbered and without escape! Suddenly, strong wind surrounds you, filling you with a nice protective warmth and the faint fragrance of roses! And then, someone arrives and puts himself between you and the danger, large protective wings covering you while every spirit in front of you cowers. They fear his authority, but you? You just get lost in his eyes when he looks at you, and you tremble when you hear his voice asking -”

“Are you alright?”

While Amy giggled to herself, enjoying the image in her head as she usually did, her friend just stood quietly, eyes big from both awkwardness and excitement, face completely red and hands shaking a bit.

The whole scenario had left him speechless, but even more what she had said last, because for some reason, a low muffled voice saying those words to him were in his memory, from that day he saw the angel of death for the first time. He hadn't understood anything at that moment, completely disoriented, body heavy and ears ringing after getting too close to an explosion. He remembered now, he understood now, and it shook him.

He already had issues understanding his new feelings, so strange to him that it filled him with fear but excitement too. Now he has one of Amy's love fortune readings. Silver didn't know how that ability of hers worked. Were they supposed to be things that became real? Or were they more interpretative? He wasn't sure, never being able to see the results of Amy's work, just people that were already a couple.

Whatever the case, he still wanted to talk to this guy. He wanted to see him again.

“I heard there are some wild spirits appearing in the outskirts of the city at night. Maybe I'll get the chance to see him there.”

Amy looked at him getting out of her daydreaming state. She still gave him a worried look, but smiled nonetheless.

“Just be careful, alright?” He nodded, returning a grin to her, a bit of playfulness in his face.

“I'll try!” He laughed while the pink hedgehog pouted a little bit.

“I'll be rooting for you!” She yelled once he started walking away, making him blush again, crossing his arms to give himself some sort of support.

“Thank you?” He shakily blurted out. Even if he didn't sound like that, he was sure his friend would be looking out for him in some way. He felt even more determined to help people now that he had two angels looking after him. He just needed to get to know the new one.

And maybe, he hoped, Amy's fortune would actually become real that day.

[the-100-days-of-junkan]

THE 100 DAYS OF JUNKAN

Hello everybody! I’m Carbonated-Jem! 

I sincerely hope you’re having a good day as this post finds you.

You’re probably wondering what this is. Well this my good compatriot is the result of a very ill advised task I put upon myself at the beginning of this year. There’ll be a TL;DR at the bottom for those who don’t want my full ramblings (sorry about that btw, not very good at this), but I do appreciate anyone who’ll give a silly person like me the time of day.

You see, I am a fan of Danganronpa, and as a result I like to read a lot of gay fanfic (and if I’m feeling daring I’ll even look at fan art, shocking). This series for all its ups and downs is quite important to me and becoming who I am today. Tokomaru especially helped me through a period of a lot of stress and depression, among other things. 

But as you can tell by the name this isn’t a Blog Dedicated to Tokomaru, it’s a blog dedicated to Junkan. Which might be very surprising to anyone who I haven’t divulged this info to personally. 

I try to make it a habit to not delve too deep into fandoms for the sake of my mental health, I look up fanart, read some appreciation posts on tumblr, read fics, and depending on the series make art for others to enjoy. However one thing I tend to become vaguely aware of regardless of whether I want to or not is what ships are and are not controversial. So I am very aware of the fact that saying I ship Junko and Mikan is bare minimum getting some weird looks from a lot of the people reading this.

Before I give a reason why I’m doing this let me just make clear what this is in the first place.

This is the 100 Days of Junkan, a project I undertook (Kind of as a joke) at the beginning of the year. I have made 100 Pieces to post across the next 100 Days. Some are finished art, some are sketches, some are sketches I added color to later, some are multiple images grouped into one day, comics, and far more. I’ve learned a lot through this project artistically, and some of the surprises I have in store will hopefully be worth the effort. I don’t know 100% for sure what day this post will be on, however the event itself will begin October 1st, and if I did the math right will continue all the way till January 9th. 

Why would I put this much time and energy into this ship, knowing that there are a lot of people who downright hate it? Simple, I just like the ship a lot, and wanted to make more art for it.

And I should further note, there are plenty of fans of this ship as well, however they may be disappointed to hear that unless you’re very much like me, you probably won’t enjoy what I’ve made with these two. In canon (much to my chagrin, because I’m not partial to the direction it took in DR3) this is a very abusive relationship. This is not really my thing, anyone who has seen the ship art I’ve done on my main page will know that I much prefer to draw soft, fluffy shipping art. I try to make art which will leave a positive vibe on people for the most part.

That said I understand why there are people who like this ship for how it is represented in canon. Shipping Junkan has taught me to stop being judgy of people for what they ship (I used to really hate Togami x Toko for example, and while it’s still not my thing I can totally understand why people are into it now). Everyone has their own reasons for shipping something, whether it’s an interesting dynamic, they just like seeing the characters kiss, as a coping mechanism, and plenty of other reasons. I have my boundaries of course, but at this point I try to be open minded towards peoples proclivities.

So if I’m not drawing a Canon Compliant Depiction of this ship, what am I actually doing here?

Well I’ve decided that I’m going to draw niche art for an already very niche ship. I like Junkan on the softer side, where regardless of where it's supposed to be in canon or an AU they just actually love eachother, I've seen and have been inspired by a decent amount of Fanfics depicting this exact thing. It's the dynamic that I find the most interesting personally, as I like the directions you can take it with the characters.

So that’s the deal, for 100 Days starting from October 1st you can expect this blog to post a constant flow of soft Junko x Mikan art. If that’s your thing, I sincerely hope you like all this! It’s been my number one goal to give some art to the people who share a similar desire for softer depictions of this Ship, along with all the people who have already made amazing pieces of writing and artwork depicting the same. If this isn’t your thing, I hope you’ll at least stick around to give it a chance, and if I can’t sell you on it like I have with some of my friends, I hope you can at least walk away from this with a shrug.

Apologizing in advance to all those who peruse the Mikan and Junko tag, because this is gonna be flooding those for awhile I imagine. I fully understand if you wanna block me for this, hope you have a lovely day after that! 

Now dear viewer, please watch this long road unwind and behold such sights as: Me slowly memorizing these two to the point that I can draw them almost entirely without reference at this point, inconsistent colors schemes,  inconsistent heights, so much goddamn blushing, AU’s galore, and the unspeakable things I learned how to do for this project! (And by unspeakable I mean I don’t wanna spoil the surprise!) 

Oh! And as an extra bonus to all this, go check out my AO3 account. I have a singular Junkan Fic on there right now, however as a little bonus for this event (and sure, thematic for Halloween) I’m going to be posting a Vampire AU Junkan Fic periodically throughout October. Partially inspired by the fact that Day 30 depicts a scene I came up with way before the actual fic, and I really want to have it written out and available to read before that post comes out.

The other reason is that if I say i’m going to post it here, that means I am required to actually do it by the law of my brain. Which will likely outweigh my complete lack of self confidence in my ability to write anything making me too paranoid to actually let it go public~

Here’s the link!

And if you stumbled upon this post through the Junkan Tag and not my main account, here’s a link to it!

You’ll find plenty of other Danganronpa Art, including Junko and Mikan on their own. I do other stuff but I imagine that’d be the most immediately interesting, but hey you never know. So hopefully if this blog doesn’t provide anything you’d be into, my normal works will catch your attention! 

I’ve also opened an Ask Box for this blog, why? I dunno. I’ll be real it just seemed like the thing to do. But feel free to ask questions and I'll try to respond best I can!

And finally here is the TL,DR for those who didn't wanna read through my mind numbing rambling.

I like Danganronpa, I like drawing Soft Junkan art for a lot of reasons. I’m posting 100 Pieces for 100 Days of this ship, and hopefully ya’ll will enjoy it. If not, that’s okay! I hope you have a great day! 

Reblogs Appreciated!~ Stay hydrated Everyone!~

[anonzentimes]

Hi sorry this might be a stupid question but I really want to know your opinion on this

Does komaeda really lack empathy? I mean I've seen tons of ppl portray him as such but I don't think that's the case. I think this interpretation of him stems from his reaction to his classmate's death, but I read his reaction as a result of him not being taught about how to properly cope with loss so he resorts to hope as his only coping mechanism. In conclusion, I think he DOES feel sadness when he faces loss and CAN empathize with other people.

What do you think?

HE DOES FEEL EMPATHY WHAT FREAK GENUINELY THINKS HE DOESN’T??? Ahem, summoning sophisticated Zen, my bad.

Nagito has learned through having so much trauma to use his coping mechanism and has become numb to a lot of extreme situations. His coping mechanism itself is looking towards what he can predict about what he thinks is hope and whatever his luck may do, the luck also gives him anxiety when good things happen because he know bad luck is coming. This all results in tonal issues. He does not lack empathy, his mentality is just extreme. This is literally in the text. Quite literally. He has no reason to lie and generally is an honest person, this is especially proven by the fact that when he gets the despair disease which Reverses their Personalities he gets the Lying disease. He weirds out everyone by rambling and being extremely honest while being at his worst, this doesn’t mean he can’t lie of course, but he generally doesn’t.

Nagito does not lack empathy, he lacks the proper response and understanding. His absolute beliefs, what he sees as objective, his coping mechanism, and his trauma all lead to tonal issues and lack of understanding of other’s perspective on the topic of hope and despair. Every single case In Danganronpa 2 is personal to the point it wouldn’t make sense for him to die, Nagito is frustrated and doesn’t understand why anyone more capable won’t just kill him so he can help somebody capable creating pure hope. He doesn’t understand because he’s become so far gone with his coping mechanism and beliefs that he sees it as objective. It works the same way in reverse too, the others struggle to understand him because they can’t understand how he sees it as objective. Some of them don’t even try because his rambles are so insane to them. Hajime is the only one who tries, he’s hurt and conflicted but he cares. He doesn’t want to think about it, but when he is forced to he is able to fully understand him. They solved Chapter 5 by Hajime being forced to put his trust in Nagito again to understand a fragment of his worldview and thought process.

Nagito feels empathy and is genuinely saddened by every death and has to cope with it in his unhealthy way. If Nagito didn’t feel empathy or cared he wouldn’t have postponed the test in Danganronpa 3. Nagito has the ability to understand and share emotions of others, he just has a coping mechanism and is traumatized which that causes his reactions to come off as uncaring. Funnily enough, he shows empathy and sympathy for Hajime in the first few seconds that we even see him.

Hopefully this helps to understand that he does indeed feel empathy and that the idea he doesn’t feel empathy or sadness is honestly a harmful misinterpretation some people have. Thanks for your ask!!! <3

[ghostofskywalker]

Hello Ghost!!!!

So good to see you around ☺️ truthfully I haven't been on Tumblr too much lately either due to .... Shall we say.... complications in life? To put it mildly :D just a small bit...I've had a lot of angst lately and illness I can't quite kick :D but I saw your winter ficlet fun and I'd love to join!!! I can't wait to see everything you'll come up with! I love your stories!

Can I request something with Hunter? Maybe some angsty holiday fun or misunderstandings or whatever XD with a happy ending? (There has to be a happy ending right? Because that's what hope is for? :D forgive the rambling of a sick woman :D) thanks in advance!

i hope you're doing okay now, i'm sending love your way <3 hopefully this is fluffy and hopeful enough for you!

words: 980

summary: After taking a chance and doing something brave, the batch has to leave on a mission. When Hunter comes back, the two of you finally get some time to talk.

What Feels Like Forever

clone troopers masterlist || request a winter ficlet

The longer you waited, the harder it was to get up and return to your regular duties. From a logical standpoint, sitting in the corner booth and staring at the door of the cantina was a useless endeavor, and it was doing no favors for your emotional state. You began to find yourself wrapped up in worries about the peril the Bad Batch was probably facing right now, and a pesky little thought about their fate (that you didn’t really want to contend with right now) took hold for a second in your brain. 

You had managed to momentarily distract yourself a few times, usually when a customer came through the door wanting a drink, but it was quieter than usual in here. Maybe it was the upcoming life day celebration, but the clientele of this establishment had (unknowingly) abandoned you when you needed them the most. But as much as you wanted to, there was nothing you could do to push those terrifying thoughts out of your head, because of what had happened before the squad had left. 

“Can I talk to you?” Hunter’s eyes moved towards yours, and you couldn’t help but admire how pretty his hair looked right now.

“Of course,” he said, stepping away from his brothers as they loaded up the ship with the necessary supplies for the mission. “What’s up?” 

Even though you were now faced with the perfect opportunity to admit your feelings, you still couldn’t do it. “I just wanted to wish you all good luck,” was what you said instead, internally sighing at the way you chickened out. 

Hunter smiled warmly at your words, nodding, “Thank you, we’re going to need all the luck we can get,” he said. “This is going to be a tough one.” 

This was not what you wanted to hear. “Oh,” you said. “Do you think you’ll be home by life day?” 

“I’m not sure. Tech wouldn’t say anything about the predicted outcome.” 

Your heart sank in your chest, and you spoke in a voice much brighter than you actually felt. “Well, we can celebrate with you all when you return!”

He nodded. “Yeah, that would be nice.” 

One of the others called his name from inside the ship, and the former Sergeant turned to move away from you. You considered the implications of his words, understanding the heartbreaking truth that every time they left on that ship they were taking a pretty big risk, and this particular one was steeper than most. 

Oh kriff it. 

You reached out to grab his hand, rushing towards him as he turned back to face you. You leaned in and placed a quick kiss on his lips, but that moment of bravery was gone just as quick as it arrived. 

You didn’t see the look on his face as you turned tail and sprinted away, wondering why you would do something so stupid. 

You wanted them to come back, but the sight of the Batch walking through the door would also mean that you would have to talk to Hunter, because he didn’t seem like the type to let something like that go. Hopefully you would be able to say something about how you weren’t thinking and you could still remain friends. Of course there was the small but persistent hope that he would feel the same way, but you tried not to put too much stock in that fantasy. 

Besides, Life Day was tomorrow, and there was still no word about when this mission would be over. There was no use acting like this, at least not until you had a little more of an idea about what was going on. 

You had finally gotten up from where you’d spent most of the day moping, and you were about to walk into Cid’s office (to ask her if you could just go home for the day) when you heard the door to the cantina open, and you watched five familiar figures step inside. 

All you could do was stare as Echo, Tech, Omega, and Wrecker walked by you, clearly heading towards your employer’s office. Hunter was the only one who had taken off his helmet, and you braced yourself for the reception of a harsh truth. There was no way he’d forgotten about everything, right? No, you weren’t that lucky.

Instead, you were wrapped up in the arms of plastoid armor, and before you could really register what was happening, Hunter’s lips were on yours, but this time things lasted a lot longer (and you certainly weren't complaining. 

“What-” you started to sputter when the two of you finally broke apart. 

“That was something I should have done before I left,” he said, a look in his eyes you never wanted to forget. 

“But I ran away from you.” 

“And I could have caught up,” he said with a smile. “But I was nervous about the mission and it took me by surprise, so I just stood there.”

“I shouldn’t have done-”

This time it was the look in his eyes (rather than his words) that stopped you from finishing your sentence. “If you hadn’t, we might still be on that mission right now,” he said. 

“What?” 

“I was so desperate to get back here and kiss you for real, I pushed the squad to get this thing done as quick as we could handle,” he said. “They hated me for some time, but once I explained, I think they understand my reasons - I wanted to get back here for Life Day, for you.”

Not knowing what to say, you just leaned in to kiss him again, and that continued until the rest of his family returned from Cid’s office. Teasing comments were made, but you barely even paid attention to them. 

You couldn’t be happier, and there wasn’t a thing in the galaxy that could change that.

- the end -

i no longer have a taglist! if you're interested in being notified when i post, you can follow my library blog @ghostofskywalker-library and turn on notifications!

[positivelyadhd]

I know I've been very inconsistent with this blog and I miss it dearly but I have a little positive update I thought I would post mostly to remind myself that things can change and do get better!!

I will leave details and little rant about my frustrations with mental health systems in the UK under the cut but this is mostly to remind you all that there is always people that can and want to help you. it's infuriating how difficult it can be to find those people, but I promise they are there. you deserve to give yourself the chance to find them.

I have been down a long frustrating road of not being able to get mental health support for years (mostly due to lack of funding ect for public services which is a much bigger issue nationally and I am endlessly angry about it and would love to Do Something and maybe when I'm doing better mentally I can do more activism or something!)

it's the same thing I hear a lot of people say on here and elsewhere but I felt like no one was really listening to me or understanding and that i couldn't talk to the people that would? I felt really lost and knew I needed help but when I asked the people I thought would be able to help (doctors, schools, uni ect) they told me they couldn't do anything. (more on that later)

but, after a lot of looking I have finally found some people that are really helping!! for the first time in a while I'm feeling so much better <33

I found a local charity that helped me figure out where to go when doctors have not been able to help and a therapist that specialises in EMDR (which has been so helpful, I was skeptical at first but it's so done so much in just a few sessions <33)

I've also now got an appointment with a psychiatrist with experience with ADHD so I can hopefully get a mental health assessment since I haven't had one in years! I know the non ADHD medication I'm currently taking isn't working for me and it hasn't for a few years but I couldn't find anyone that was able to talk to me about it and now I feel like I (hopefully) have!

I don't want to discourage anyone that may be reading this from looking for support or asking for help. The point of this little ramble is that it's always worth it. But unfortunately it is quite often a lot more difficult than it should be.

I cannot find words to really express how fucked up and angry that makes me and it can be so difficult to find them, but I promise that for everyone that is shitty, there is people that are trying their hardest and want to hear you and help you. that it's always worth holding on until you find them.

I also want to remind you that you have every right to feel angry and sad and helpless about it, that part of recovery is allowing yourself to feel all of the "ugly" emotions that come with having experienced the things you experienced. that there is no such thing as good or bad emotions and that just allowing yourself to feel how you feel and process it can do so much in recovery.

but I'm also so so grateful for this community and seeing where the world is going with neurodivergent awareness and activism now is giving me so much hope!

if you are reading this and you've had the experience I've had, where the systems that should've been able to support you weren't able to, for whatever reason. I want you to know that it's not your fault. that you deserve a loving caring support system around you and that there is one waiting for you. I am so sorry you have had to experience this, but as frustrating as it can be to hear you're also not alone in it. things can get better, and they are changing. and I know how hard it is to believe when everything else around you seems to tell you otherwise, but I hope you can give yourself the chance to find out.

[rosapexa]

WiP Whenever

Thank you for tagging me @chevvy-yates , @wanderingaldecaldo , @gloryride 🖤

I'm working... Ok, working is not the right word for that. I'm experimenting and losing my mind over this for weeks now. And honestly i've been depressed so many times over this, it really hasn't been fun in a while, unlike making the tattoos for V-Lexa. But also i can't let things go, when i start something, so taking a step back and just leave this for a while, was not really an option (and i tried). And i really wanted to make something for her.

And since yesterday, i think i'm finally on the right track. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see. Sorry, i'm rambling.

Anyway...

I always wanted to give Lexa some tattoos. But there hasn't been anything so far, which i thought would fit her. And also tbh i didn't even really knew myself what i wanted for her. And tbh it was kinda difficult to find something, cause everything i tried, wasn't "good enough" for her and i was (and still am) constantly unsure, if i'm not ruining her.

It was a lot easier to find something for V-Lexa. Not because i care less about her, but because she's in comparison relatively new and i'm still figuring everything about her out.

But Maelstrom Lexa has been around for quite while now and allthough i want changes, i'm so scared (yeah, it doesn't make sense). Also it doesn't help, that her personal lore is about wanting (Maelstrom) perfection and making her body the perfect weapon -.-

Aaaand i'm rambling again. Ok... Changes:

New tattoos of course. Lexa LOVES skulls. On her clothes, as decorations... So that is also mostly the theme for her tattoos. A lot of skulls. But she also got two "let's get some ink while blackout drunk" tattoos (she's not always perfect xD). On her right hip you can get a glimpse of a "yelling" cat, which she got after Salem adopted her and she just wanted to show off, that she now has a fur baby. The other is a Maelstrom logo on her leg which she got shortly before her initiation, when she got extemely drunk with Royce and Dum Dum and decided it's time for a gang tattoo. And of course they thought it was an awesome idea 😂

There's a tattoo for Johnny as well. It's the heart on her right arm. Not a cute heart, since we're still talking about Lexa, so it's the... literal organ 🫀 I still have to add Johnny's name and their wedding date to it. Also i would like to give him the same tattoo, but i'm not sure about that yet. Mostly because i'm hesitant to change his tattoos and don't want to get yelled at for that 🥴.

I got rid of her vanilla body scars and trying right now to give her some custom ones. Because i always thought she doesn't have enough scars, since she's fighting a lot and she sees them as trophies. But that's just an idea for now and i have to see how this goes, cause i'm not really understanding what i'm doing (normal maps wtf!?). I would also like to work on her face scars, but that is even more confusing.

I also thought about making my own skin color for her, cause sometimes her skin looks too red for my taste. I would like to have her paler and with even less color. But i didn't have any succes now, cause nothing looked good enough.

Other stuff:

I'm tidiying up Johnny's NPC+, cause every time i gave him a new outfit i just threw the things into his mod folder without organizing anything. And now i have a ton of stuff and no idea, what is for what. Also there are a lot of appearances, which i will never use (again).

I'm very slowly working on a mod for the Aurore Outfit: Pants, bra, top and jacket. I like this outfit so much but as usual, i need COLORS 😂 Currently only the pants are more or less ready, so this will take a long while until i can share it, since priority are definitely things for the blorbos.

Also in between i make some poses, but these are mostly just for myself for now, cause i'm actually too lazy to make them good enough for the public (at least i know how to position the camera to hide the chaos) or to retarget them for other couples besides M/F.

I think, that was it for now. Which was already too much again 🥴

I'm tagging @togepies , @miss--river , @thelonestrider , @wraithsoutlaws and @dreamskug for a WiP sharing. As usual without any pressure of course 🖤

[birchbow]

How exactly do moirails work? I keep getting confused between what constitutes a matespiritship and moirailegence. I know that moirails are able to help sooth and calm but I feel that there is way more to moirails than just that and I’m having a hard time understanding.

Ahhh, well, this is one of those things that's really only defined in-comic in a fairly skeletal way, and the form it takes in fics is always going to be like 50% headcanon, minimum. And in my case probably more because I've been fascinated by the concept of non-sexual romance/intimacy for a long time and so I've written a LOT of pale content lol. SO here's some rambling about moiraillegiance, which I'm pre-emptively putting under a cut because I know myself.

First, a brief review. Pale-related things we get in the canon, at a quick top-of-my-head scan, are basically:

some trolls are a more emotionally unstable/violent and will find somebody who complements their personality and helps keep them from murderously flying off the handle.*

of the four quadrants of relationships trolls are expected to have, this is not a concupiscient (sexual) one** but it is a (positive emotions toward your partner) one, which Karkat and the narration frame as "pity" (see "****")

At one point, a scene that appears to be setting up for a death-match is defused by one party shh-ing the other one and patting their face until they calm down, from which fandom took 'shooshing" and 'papping' as terms, from the sound effects in those panels.***

talking about your thoughts and emotions is mentioned several times in the context of pale relationships****, and I believe at one point called a feelings jam although I don't have it in me to dig back and see if that one is canon

that is the canon stuff that occurs off the top of my head

*how much of the part where the narrative explains quadrants is biased (because of what a shitshow Alternia is) is up for debate **fandom interpretation varies on this from "having sex with your moirail is a huge taboo" to "it's totally fine, it's just not one of the quadrants the drones demand contributions for". ***And also where I (and quite a few other people I would guess) started thinking about trolls having separate, alien instincts and responses to stimuli that humans would find relatively unremarkable, like having their face patted or having somebody shush them ****Alternia aggressively punishes perceived weakness to the point that seeing another troll being vulnerable and not killing them for it is narrated as "pity" which is the closest we seem to get to an Alternian-culture concept of "love". ANYWAY that probably has a finger on the needle RE: how exclusive it is to ONLY talk to your moirail about your feelings, because they're in a relationship with you and therefore hopefully won't cull you for it.

Things that are NOT canon include: most of it lmao. If you wanted an itemized list of things in my Troll Society writing that were made up almost entirely whole cloth, we would be here all day. Moving on!

When it comes to writing pale vs flushed, I mostly go by vibes, tbh lol. I suppose if I had to organize my criteria a little bit,,, I am going to spitball. Bear with me.

Pale looks at its partner and goes "I see the things wrong with you, and instead of culling you for them, we are going to fix them" and also "the place where we both are is a place we're both steady and safe" (passive/steadying/protective),

and flush is more like. "I see the things wrong with you, and instead of culling you for them I'm suffering them with you" and also "the place where we both are is a place where we Want More" (active/passionate/aggressive I guess??? Can't find the word).

or to rephrase

pale->unpicking feelings, controlling violent impulse, steadying emotional state, physical touch to invite a sort of subspace-adjacent hazy alien-arousal-that's-not-arousal.

flush->passionate, intense, active attraction, sometimes kind of violent! sometimes too passionate for its own good! Physical touch to work each other up and drive each other higher in a positive way (hopefully) (mostly) (trolls are violent assholes tbh)

I DON'T KNOW DUDE there's no guide for this stuff lol. As evidenced above, canon basically has just like a skeleton framework, so we are all out here putting these lines down ourselves.

Making this more complicated: regardless of what the author of any given fic headcanons as the social norm, it also makes sense to me that there are variations in trolls just like in humans. I usually don't write my pale pairings fucking, but it seems reasonable and inevitable to me that some trolls would be into that! Or trolls who were attracted to concupiscient quads but didn't want to bone down, although that's dangerous and untenable for reasons mentioned in previous asks.

fig 1: Meenah and Kurloz's swinging back and forth² from the (hate+fucking) quadrant to the (love/pity+no fucking³) quadrant in PoF felt like it came naturally as I was writing, because what else are two of the oldest, most powerful trolls in the universe going to do, when each of them is the only person around who comes close to actually knowing the other enough to hate/pity?

²Switching back and forth between quadrants is actually called "vacillating" and seems to be a fairly common event in troll society and media--the blurring/combining pale and pitch that they're doing is the more scandalous part, according to general fanon ³I have always preferred to write pale relationships with a lot of the traits my culture associates with sexual relationships (nudity, intimacy, an industrial porn complex lol) but to cut the sex and leave the rest and play with that contrast. How much of that is because I'm personally not sexually attracted to people, and I'm deeply Emotions about a society recognizing that kind of relationship as crucial and desirable??? I mean idk boss y'all don't pay me for introspection lol.

ANYWAY that also means the boundaries of what any given troll defines as "too much intimacy not to be pale" or "the feelings you're talking to me about are too personal for this not to be pale" or "you're touching me in a way that seems pale (or flushed)" are going to be different, which makes this extra hard to answer. Example!!

When I write Kurloz, I write him with an old-fashioned and strict view of what quadrants entail, but also being too old and above too many laws and social norms to give much of a shit about whether he blurs those lines or not most of the time. The little nods to things like it being slutty In His Time to wear your hair short and show off the roots of your horns hopefully bring across some of the cranky old man vibes lmao.

VERSUS when I write Karkat, I'm writing a much younger guy who spends a ton of time thinking about relationships and watching romcoms, synthesizing his own very in-depth thesis of What Feelings Are--and also just coming from a much younger generation. He's not nearly as comfortable blurring the lines, but he also places those lines in very different spots than Kurloz does.

TBH follow your heart haha it's just an alien sandbox and we're all just slapping sand around.

[grungiiuvu]

Hi! Previous anon here! I just rechecked ur blog and i saw u replied to me and ajsjdnkdkdn im so honored u wanna know more abt my culture😭😭😭 but before i start rambling i just wanna say im apart of two chinese clans? Cultures? Idk how to say it but i googled it and its called a province so province it is! My mom is fu jian and my dad is fu jian AND ke jia, but since my grandma's(ke jia) influence is so strong and most of my grandpa's(fu jian) relatives are 💀 i actually have an equal share of both cultures. By that i mean like, two different languages, which are thankfully just spoken, not written, and also lots of different food and pronunciations! For example, instead of hongbao, i say angbao.

Okay, so! I think one of the most prominent things i've grown up with is like, nicknames. And one thing i see is so common in tgcf fanfictions is the "A". Like: A-lian, A-qing, A-xin. Which okay, its actually used but its actually very uncommon(at least where i've grown up). Only person that uses it is my family is like, my grandpa and its to ny grandma. My grandma calls him BY NAME its actually crazy. We tend to use more double names? Idk how to say it but for example Mu Qing would be Qing Qing, Shi Qingxuan would be Xuan Xuan yk? My parents only call me by that, but the purpose of the nick names would be to mostly shorten the names becus most ppl have 3 character names. So unfortunately someone like Xie Lian(who has a 2 character name) would be refered to mostly as Xie Lian and not A-Lian or lian lian😭 And! The "A" prefix isn't only used from the last character! Sqx can also be refered to as A-qing as well as A-xuan, as well as A-qingxuan(its complicated)

For family stuff, younger siblings usually never refer to older ones by name. Like sqx would call swd ge ge, wu du ge, du gege but never outright Wudu.

And i also found out u wrote cheap villain??? I owe everything to you its so WELL WRITTEN?? AND THE PLOT?? ITS SO GOOD KIKE KSJDJD BUTTtttt one thing i've actually wondered is like accents. Like in english, ppl who speak mandarin tend to have accents! And ppl in BeiJing have a very prominent one. First time i tried talking to someone in BeiJing i had trouble understanding cus even tho we were speaking the same language it sounded so different! The tcgf donghua actually sounds a lot more similar to tawainese than like native mandarin cus it sounds so clean cut, if ykwim??? Like the pronunciation in the donghua is GOODDD and so SHARP(i may be jealous). BeiJing mandarin tends to sound more round and so I would've liked to see like, mu qing waking up in a whole new reality, starts speaking, and xie lian is like: "huh? What? Mu qing, SLOW DOWN WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?" I think it would've been funny, in my opinion😭😭 (do i sound fussy again i hope this comes off as light hearted😭)

I MIGHT add more cus theres actually sm more i wanna say but im gonna leave it at here i hope it isn't TOO long😭 ur welcome ti ask me anything u want to know cus I LOVE talking abt my culture!!! Hopefully this isn't too boring for u😭

This wasnt boring at all!!! I love learning about different societies, it really fascinates me!! I'm from England and South Africa, so both my cultures are very modern western (living in the UK doesn't help) so I'm utterly at a loss with Chinese culture aside from deep-diving on the internet and doing my own research lol :')

The nickname thing is very interesting and i didn't know that!! tysm for telling me :D I know I've used it quite a bit in Cheap Villain but i feel I'm too far in to switch it up now TTvTT I don't want to seem like I'm abruptly changing things, and making the story inconsistent!

The stuff about the shi siblings is very helpful!! I shall be sure to remember that 🫡🫡

I've only recently started hearing about the accents thing, I'm afraid :')) If i had known when i first started writing Cheap Villain, I definitely would've done something about it lol! it was such a good joke opportunity missed o(TヘTo) Hopefully, I'll find somewhere to put it in, because that'd be very fun :D

I absolutely loved hearing all this!! feel free to send as many as you'd like :D I am aware I really don't know much about other cultures and I'm always happy to learn more anytime :))

Im so glad you enjoy Cheap Villain!! I've been trying my best haha

tysm anon!! :D

[sigyn-foxyposts]

December 22th

After the surgery!

Hello everyone, good news! The surgery was a success and I'm lucky to not feel any pain as for now, I got a lot of rest and even a whole room for myself too :D

Now I'll start rambling about things!

The nurses here are amazing and I even met a few cool and memorable ones.

Like a Swedish woman who's super nice and a funny guy nurse (we love guy nurses!) that helped me stand up for the first time after my back surgery. I felt very dizzy but I didn't pass out 😵‍💫

He had a fun humor tho that I easily got along with! When he gave me my name tag that I put around me wrist, I didn't realize he had switched it out as a joke until I was preparing myself for a shower.

Now it makes sense why he said "here's an extra wrist band you can keep as a suvenier"

That suvenier was my actual wrist band! I'm so neurodivergent I swear- sometimes I don't understand the jokes 😂

But anyways, since I'm 18 now and count as an adult I've sadly been alone at the hospital, it's my first time too. But that's alright honestly because there needs to be a first time to everything!

And that right now is me not depending on my parents like I've always done! Same goes for others out there going through this, you're safe and sound at the hospital even if your caretakers aren't there with you!

I feel very proud of myself for just jumping into this second surgery and get it over with, not being as afraid like I was the first time.

Of course it was still differicult for me, the whole week before I went in I felt quite depressed and upset that there was a problem with my back once more.

But than again when you've done something once, the other times won't really be that bad, especially when you know and understand what youre going to do!

I'll admit before the surgery I was very nervous and did break down a little in tears when I first got into the surgery room.

Last time my mother had been there to comfort me but now it was the doctors who comforted me, I truly appreciate it.

These people know what they're doing!

I feel asleep just fine when they gave me a mask to breathe in some funky gas!

But I think when everything went dark I hallucinated for a quick second a weird green living room with a big bookshelf and a nice chair?? 🤨

But besides from that weird experience, when I woke up again and my parents did come to visit.

What's funny is that while I my head was fully awake my eyes were apparently swollen so I couldn't see anything, but talk and listen to the conversations.

I'll be honest it kinda sucked when I wanted to see things around me and be on my phone. But my eyes did eventually open up so don't worry haha!

Right now I'm just resting, I've surprisingly slept very well! I'll also have some guests over later today, it's only 9 in the morning right now as I'm writing this!

I'll hopefully update more later on about what's happening right now in life! But yeah yeah, I'll take it easy and rest already.

I can hear you guys already telling me hehe 😼

[earlgreyentling]

Do you like Willa Cather? Ethel Cain? What do you find most gorgeously unique about prairies? Do you like forests better? If you were going to write a book about the Midwest, what would it be like and what would you definitely not miss putting in it?

Hello there!

I do like Willa Cather! Her writing feels like what Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House books might've have been like if they'd been written for an adult audience. The honest emotion and simplistic elegance of Cather's writing easily immerses you in the world and helps you relate to and sympathize with her characters. I've only read My Ántonia so far, but I loved it. I own several of her other books, which I will get around to reading ... sometime. I've heard that Death Comes for the Archbishop is also excellent.

I'd actually never heard of Ethel Cain before, but from what I've learned after a quick Google search, Cain's music and style sound like something I'd enjoy. Thanks for the recommendation--I'm always looking for new music!

There are a lot of things I find gorgeous about the prairies, but if I had to choose one thing I admire, it's the wide-open skies above them. They're constantly changing and rearranging, and every day it's like waking up to a new painting stretched out above the world. When I was little, I felt like I would fall into it if I wasn't careful. Its storms and sunsets are particularly beautiful. There are lots of lovely places where the view of the sky was more restricted, but whenever I visit them, I can't help feeling claustrophobic. If I had to choose another thing more connected to the actual prairie, it would have to be the amazing deep root networks, especially how woven together and long they can get, if undisturbed for a long-enough time.

It's hard to say whether I like forests or prairies better because I haven't spent nearly as much time in forests as I have in prairies. The closest I usually get to a forest are the random patches of timber around where I live. But, I do always enjoy tromping through those and being surrounded by trees and birdsong. If I had to pick, though, I would have to say ... prairie? Mostly because, like I mentioned in my last answer, I feel kind of claustrophobic and uncomfortably hemmed in if I can't see the sky very well. I wouldn't mind visiting more actual forests in the future to come up with better answer.

If I were going to write a book about the Midwest ... oof, that's a tougher one. I love reading anything I can get my hands on, but when it comes to writing, I seem to do best with shorter pieces. So if I were to write a book about the Midwest, it would probably be a collection of poems and/or essays. Although I don't think it would be strict nonfiction, I'd want to do thorough research and include facts and education along with more impressionistic pieces--try to feed the head and the heart, in a manner of speaking. I enjoy accuracy and description when I read, so hopefully my readers would, too! Tying into that, I would definitely not miss putting in ways that people can help preserve the remaining prairie and planting their own native flowers and plants to help heal and sustain the native animal and insect populations. On a lighter note, I'd want to make sure people know how interesting and odd the Midwest can be, hah! I think we often get kind of a bad rap as boring flyover states, and while I can understand that, the Midwest has quite a bit to offer if you do a little digging into local communities and cultures. It's nice to get away sometimes, but I'm always happy to get home.

Thank you so much for your questions! I had a lot of fun pondering them, and I hope my answers are entertaining enough and don't ramble too much :)

[shynmighty]

🖊️🖊️ for Taijax and Vhespasian?

This makes me so happy, I do love an excuse to ramble!

Here we go with Taijax!

First of all, I'm so glad you asked about him because I feel like he falls by the wayside a lot (which is totally my fault), so I've been trying to show him more love! Thank you!!

I've mentioned this in some of the descriptions I've done for him, but he's my little mystic woo woo. He is perhaps overenthusiastic about sharing his knowledge of Jedi proverbs and mystic lore. Whatever crazy adventure he finds himself roped into, you can bet he 100% would rather be lost in some ancient library. He's a nerd, but he embraces that about himself.

His heritage and culture are also a point of fascination for him, but more in an academic sense. He's interested in the Chiss because it helps him better understand himself as a Jedi.

His full name is Srost'aija'xani. That was all the information that was given to the Jedi when he was given to the order. The pair of Chiss who handed him over as an infant were never seen or heard from again.

As part of the Silverblade legacy, he is not the Barsen'thor but does become a reputable Jedi master, and obtains a seat on the council for a time. When he is not seeking out lost knowledge or exploring ancient ruins, he accompanies Aeseca and her crew, which is how he eventually meets and falls in love with Nadia Grell.

He and Aeseca are old friends, and they grew up together in the Jedi Enclave overseen by Aeseca's mother. When the enclave was destroyed by the Sith, he and Aeseca remained good friends, to the point where they were separated for an alleged romance. This never took place, but it would be years before they saw one another again, this time as adults. As Yuon Par's apprentice prior to taking on Aeseca, Taijax had a vested interest in curing his old master from the plague inflicted on her by Lord Vivicar. He traveled with Aeseca during this time, and assisted her in ending the threat.

This got pretty long-winded... let's move on to Vhespasian!

This guy! I created him totally by accident and he's become one of my favorite OCs. Galactic Seasons told me to complete a few missions as an Imperial Agent and I made him to delete later... except he was really freakin' cute and I couldn't bring myself to get rid of him. So with him began the Imperial side of the Silverblade family.

Vhespasian is the youngest in his family, and great things were expected of him, even when he proved to not be Force sensitive. He took this to heart, throwing himself into every challenge he faced with all the passion and gusto a good Imperial baby should display. Unfortunately for him, his efforts went mostly overlooked by his Sith grandfather, the Silverblade patriarch, Darth Aemnos.

Perhaps predictably, all this negative reinforcement had an adverse effect on Vhespasian psychologically. Although he excelled academically and rose meteorically to the rank of Cipher Nine within Imperial Intelligence, his accomplishments never delivered what he thought he truly wanted: his grandfather's love and acceptance.

Needless to say, his class story went and messed him up. He came out of it, however, more devoted to the Empire and helping it become the best version of itself. He realizes there's a lot that needs to change... but he also knows that as a phantom agent with the galaxy's secrets at his fingertips, he's in a fantastic position to help that along.

It should also come as no surprise that Vhespasian has some difficulty forming lasting connections with other people. Especially romantically. His love life is a disaster. While quite adept at the art of seduction, the thought of commitment still makes him uneasy. Hopefully, someone someday will come along and sweep him off his feet. Raina Temple came very close, but Vhespasian backed out of the relationship when she asked where it was going.

I'm still back and forth-ing over who he should romance, if anyone. Major Anri is my top contender at the moment, but I can also picture him with someone like Empress Acina (I'd just headcanon it, I know she can't be fully romanced) and of course I could always just make a new OC and pair them up... It's a conundrum. I'm open to suggestions!

I should probably wrap this up, but I'm always happy to answer questions if I raised any! Thank you so much for the ask!!! 😁

[ghost-proofbaby]

Hi! I saw your 1k post, congrats!! I was wondering if I could get a ship and song if that's okay?

♡ sunset orange: tell me a lil about yourself, and i'll ship you with one of the characters i'm writing about this time around and give you a song that would be "your song" for the two of you!

I'll try to keep it short but hopefully give you enough to work with! I would say I'm fairly alternative - I currently have purple hair with a neon pink fringe (I've had pretty much every colour at this point, last colours were acid green and purple for Halloween, blue in the summer, etc), I have a few facial piercings and currently working on getting more tattoos. At the moment I have a finished half sleeve of anime/gaming/manga characters, a big thigh piece of one of my favourite anime characters and a few small random ones (faves are a cartoon skeleton with a party hat and a reference to My Chemical Romance because they're one of my all time favourite bands). As youve probably guessed I love all the stereotypical nerdy stuff, I'm huge in to RPGs (currently replaying cyberpunk 2077!!) and general story based things I can get lost in. I work as a mechanical engineer which is basically a fancy way of saying I do a lot of maths and problem solving. I LOVE going to concerts, music wise I listen to pretty much anything but at the moment I'm leaning more to heavier genres like nu metal (mainly stuff like Korn, Deftones, System of a Down, Sleep Token) as well as classic bands like Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, etc. but I'm an absolute sucker for bands like Pierce The Veil, Fall Out Boy, All Time Low, Blink 182 and some classic trashy 2000/2010s bangers. I have a tendancy to ramble (clearly) but I'm usually quite shy and awkward around people until I'm more comfortable with them.

Thank you so much!! Obviously no pressure and I hope you have a lovely day/evening 💖

okay first of all... can we be friends? i think we're friends now. it's done, i've decided it. <3 you literally sound like such a goddamn cool person in all seriousness.

which is why it's no surprise that i ship you with eddie munson.

you probably know the drill by now, but please, let me explain.

when it comes to eddie, it's just a bit obvious, isn't it? you literally described yourself as his dream partner. someone who shares his music taste, someone who is just as nerdy as he is. you're incredibly badass with your dyed hair and tattoos, and from the moment he met you, he was a little bit intimated. but then he talked to you, and he was just an absolute goner. because you weren't intimidating, you were bright and wonderful, you were sweet and kind and god - yeah, he was a goner after that first conversation, especially when you just laughed gently after he made an absolute fool of himself. he'd love to help you dye your hair, and if you ever asked him to help you decide on a color, he would take it very seriously. at some point, you might even convince him to dye a matching strand, who knows? he'd love to spend his days laying in bed with you, the two of you taking turns pointing out each other's tattoos and listening to all the stories behind them. he'd love to hear all of the lore behind your favorite games and animes, just watching your rambles with big eyes and a lopsided smile as his chest fills up with so, so, so much love for you. he'd always be in awe of the way he finds you so much smarter than him, not understanding a word of the math involved in your job but just happy to see the way you explain it all to him with such passion. he's your shoulder to lean on whether it be a good day or a bad day, he's your number one supporter through it all. if you ever flipped the script on him and started gushing about his creative talents, how it makes his mind just a wondrous as yours, he'd get extremely blushy and shy in a heartbeat. secretly, though, he loves it. he loves being in love with someone who appreciates him just as much as he appreciates them. and don't even get me started on the music - you'd expose him to bands like Pierce The Veil, Fall Out Boy, and of course My Chemical Romance, and he'd just be a fiend. he wouldn't hesitate to buy tickets to those shows with you. get tickets now, figure out how the hell the two of you would get there later. it's all a little different from what he usually listens to, and he'll still love his classics like Metallica, but he loves them because you love them. because every single one of those songs somehow lead him right back to you, the best part of his life.

especially emergency contact by pierce the veil. it was the obvious choice for your song, considering you're the one that has had to come pick up eddie from the ER far too many times when he hurts himself doing stupid shit.

1k celebration - requests for this are now closed, but you can still send in general requests! just check out my rules first <3

[arthuriangodel]

HEY THERE.

Ha, I’m really not good with these type of things—that’s no slight to you, but I’m a bit out of my element when it comes to surprises. I guess it helps keep our minds off the cold and keeps most of the student body from complaining too much about crowding into Ramshackle.

This is a nice assignment, though. I’m not one of your students, so we’ve only really spoken in passing. You do pretty necessary work, considering some of the student body. I don’t want to speak ill of my peers, especially not to a teacher, but I sometimes start questioning how people will survive once they’re no longer enrolled. It’s a shame the life skills courses tend to be neglected… although I guess I’m not any better, since I haven’t had the need to take any.

I am curious about something, though. I have relatives who are very big into Spelldrive, and I think I’ve heard through the grapevine you used to play? I help out when the inter-dorm tournament comes around, although I can’t say I’m really suited for it. I have fun when we’re trying to do pick-up games in my dorm, though, but I’m not a competitive person so I tend to get left behind. Any tips for this year’s, haha?

Sorry for rambling. I haven’t written a letter in a long time, actually. People do like the handwritten effort, though I’m sorry in advance for making you read my chicken scratch. It’s not pretty, but at least I’ve gotten pretty fast at taking notes.

I hope your day is as well as it can be in the winter time.

SIGNED,

???

Why, hello there, little sprout :)

I surely hope you are faring well; it'd be a bit concerning if you were not. I understand your sentiment with this event, however. I was rather surprised when Crowley told some of us faculty to join in. I decided to join in this exchange in earnest because it is a nice opportunity to meet some new sproutlings like you, pen pal! The day has been faring well, for the conditions it is.

It seems you understand my sentiments, my dear. The first year I've been here, I almost had to do a double take on why a person would not clean off their dishes, only to realize that someone else has been gathering way too much blot for what should be considered a parlor trick in glamour magic. My little class may not be the most exciting for everyone, but there is much to be learned, whether one thinks that they may or may not need it. Your penmanship, for example, leaves a lot of to be desired, yes, but I see potential in you yet. For one, it is legible. And for taking notes, it's very effective as is. Calligraphy talents would come soon enough.

Also, yes! I have used to be in Spelldrive as a striker for NRU, those were the glory days. Back then, I went by the title "Spellthorn" as I had a youthful appearance in my youth, but my striking abilities were exemplary. However, things happened and now I don't really participate in Spelldrive tournaments, though I make it a habit to always watch the games live or on TV, whichever is easier. I can't exactly say what this year will hold, but a universal tip that always seemed to be overlooked is to always stretch your legs before flying and to develop your core muscles if you work out outside of flight class. This will make sure you can stay on the broom for longer, especially when you do those hard corkscrews. If you're not as athletic, then stretching and minding your posture will help wonders for flying in general. After all, the person needs as much maintenance as the broom does. I would ask which dorm you are from to see your Spelldrive practices, but that would be revealing the surprise too early, and surprise letters like this should be cherished.

Ah, it seems I have also rambled quite a bit and in my teacher voice nonetheless, do forgive me. Hopefully I didn't bore you with this letter. I look forward to writing more letters with you, and if you have any more questions or wish to confide in something, don't hesitate to ask!

As for you, how about you tell me more about yourself? Anything holiday traditions that you enjoy?

Your wonderous professor,

Godel

[shayminlucario07]

Note: This is going to be very rambly and probably disjointed.

I know there is nothing to be gained from looking back on a past you never lived through and wishing you had seen it- but I can't help it. Is it possible to have nostalgia for something you didn't experience? Is that some other phenomenon? And can you even claim a connection to it if you never even experienced a core part of it?

This particular bout of introspection was incited by me starting to read "Where Are Your Boys Tonight? The Oral History of Emo's Mainstream Explosion 1999-2008" by Chris Payne. However, before I dive into this decidedly confusing emotion, some context about me:

I was very sheltered growing up, and I was an introvert, who struggled with social anxiety. I also had to deal with the fact that I was bi, and often resonated more with the toys and interests of my older sister than what was purchased for me. All of these things compounded together to make me ultimately afraid to express... pretty much anything about who I was. I did- and still do- wear very nondescript clothes that didn't make me stand out, and made me feel comfortable by preventing any attention from being drawn to the things I didn't like about myself- how I was underweight, how little muscle I had, among other things. I also never took to any kind of physical activities, despite my parents attempting to get me into sports, due in part to asthma. However, one that always did fascinate me, and that even to this day I want to learn, was Skateboarding. However, as a shy, socially unskilled, non-athletic, closeted child-to-tweenager, I was never willing to approach anyone who skateboarded- for reasons that I hope are obvious, given what I just established- and for a number of reasons, I had no faith in my ability to teach or learn myself. I was also afraid of injuring myself, and of being perceived as disrespectful or breaking rules. I had an interest in alternative music, but was unwilling to explore that interest out of a desire to not draw attention to myself, and a lack of faith in my ability to actually learn about it properly.

In short, though I wasn't able to put this into words at the time, and only understood this recently, I wanted to be emo- alternative, perhaps is the better word, but the nuances of each facet of the community are beyond me (Hopefully for reasons I've made understandable)- but I was too afraid to express that, or seek out others who weren't that could help me along that path. Even now, I'm struggling with that- and I'm about halfway to 21.

With that context, I think it's easier to this feeling- this sort of yearning for a past I never experienced. It's not that I want to live in the past, or that I wish I had BEEN there- all too likely, it wouldn't have been a good experience for me, given how shy and awkward and repressed I was, and the fact that I'm queer, and it was the early 2000's, which was not a great time to be queer, even in the alternative community- but what I DO wish is that I could go back and see it, at least. To go back and, in some way, be a part of that community, that scene, even if just as an observer. Reading through the book, which is full of interviews with the members of bands I've never heard of but would love to know more about, talking about a culture I have never been witness to or part of but have idolized all my life, it incites such an odd feeling. I'm not sure if I've ever had a normal relationship with nostalgia- it's almost exclusively unpleasant, melancholic at best and outright depressing at worst, but I would describe this feeling- whatever it would be called- as quite similar to nostalgia. A sister to it, we'll say. It's a culture that does not, and cannot, exist in the same way it did then- and even among the evolved form of the community that exists today, I feel like an outsider, as I lack a lot of what would be considered the baseline of the community's shared interest (There's probably a better way to phrase that, but I can't think of it right now). No one has gone out of their way to make me feel that way, it's an internal feeling- but one I don't know how to overcome. I want to try and bridge that perceived gap, illusion though it may well be, and gain that knowledge, that community- to do what it takes to feel like I belong, embracing the culture, the music, the fashion- but I feel scared to, for a number of reasons. I feel afraid that I'll do it wrong on my own, and don't want to impose on anyone to ask them to be my mentor. I feel afraid that it will negatively affect how people see me, and make them think I'm someone or something I'm not. I feel afraid that I won't like how I change, that it won't feel right, that I'll regret it- but I know that I've resonated deeply with it all my life, and that there's little chance of me feeling that way. I feel afraid that I won't be accepted by other members of the community, that I'll be rejected by them, because I don't have that experience- that I allowed myself to be perceived as "Normal", or whatever term is fitting, and that because of that, I don't and will never belong.

I know none of these things are true, but they're obstacles I don't know how to overcome. And this feeling only makes that feel worse. I'm afraid to take even small steps, and I'm not even sure I know what steps I would want to take. I'm not sure I even know myself well enough to try and be "The person I want to be"- because I'm not sure I know myself well enough to know what that is. I never gave myself the chance to figure that out, and now, I'm not sure I know how to do that. After all, I don't even know how to form genuine connections with people- the friendships I do have feel like they came into my life by chance, and even though I value them immensely and know that they are real, true friendships, I often feel like we don't have a connection deep enough to be considered that real- I don't know that I know what a connection like that would be. I've never let myself form connections like that.

I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore; I think I lost the plot at some point, but I wanted to put these thoughts into words. I hope this finds someone who resonates with it, and makes them feel better in some way; that it makes them feel less alone, and helps them with these feelings. I don't know what else to say; I guess that's all.

[lsdjrn]

A little ramble from me.

I think we know how people's responses were like... "oh they should not whine - it's the risk they must accept by being famous and recognised all the time!"

Well, yeah. There are after effects of becoming an entertainer especially when you're on the peak, yet I saw that one statement in particular was mostly used as a loophole to excuse their own behavior of crossing someone else's boundaries. I'm sure Pedro is indeed generally a nice guy outside his job, but he's still allowed to be upset especially because "and then somebody's taping you with their phone, and that's kind of object feeling."

I'm citing one verse from Gospel of Luke because I remember it a lot lol, but in general context outside any belief it could be applicable as well: And as all of you would that men should do to you, do all of you also to them likewise. In short, treat others the way you want to be treated. Society, and.... some part of Pedro's "fans" community failed to understand it and never put themselves in his shoes to even give any slightest respect towards him. They changed him into an object they thought they could poke or play around with.

I'm a part time journalist, so I'd put a little blame on media portrayal as well because you can't deny how much it shaped us these days. Such a shame how in my country Pedro is still tied a lot only to his physical attractiveness. There's an erasure of his early career and process. I even found one web translating the story of Pedro's experiences being helped by Sarah Paulson during his struggling days with a misleading title as if Sarah was his sugar mommy or something 🥲😭

Anyway.

I was quite late into his fandom (and glad it happened that way for some reasons) but I've watched his smaller roles even before I knew it was him. So I'm very proud to see what Pedro has achieved, and I know many of us relate to him about working extremely hard to get our desired career path. I know my voice is small here but hopefully, as the time goes by, everyone shall not forget how he's still human after all - with flaws, with privacy, and personal decisions he's allowed to choose.

Let's do whatever we can to make safe spaces within Pedro's fanbase community, respect the art he makes, and obviously be mindful about what you do as a fan. ❤

I think about this all the time