#i've never made one and i dont even have coherent thoughts

[lesbianismsm]

...........i finished it

[prentissluvr]

i dont have all of my sam thots and dean thoughts just yet but I had to send in this bc I completely forgot about meg! sam

and its a damn shame that we didn't see more of that bc it solidified my stance on being a sam girlie

we got at least 3 episodes of demon dean (i have not seen him yet i've only heard about it) but we got like less than half an hour with meg! sam and honestly we deserved more with him

meg! sam made me feel lots of things LOLL

(i wanted to be jo SO BAD in that episode LMAO)

now i need your thots on him please :p

KJDFSJL NO BECAUSE... NOOO I CANT thinking about the amount of meg!sam edits i've seen in the past few days. thinking about the one saved in my camera roll. thinking about throwing up pissing my pants projectile vomiting and passing the fuck out. i reiterate tho, i'm normal!! i'm so so so normal and i don't feel things about it!!!!!!!

i'm honestly still like borderline unsure about how nsfw i want to get on this blog, but uhhh i'm just gonna start typing and see where my dirty fucking mind takes me!

cw : highly suggestive!! no smut, but still absolutely no minors!! MDNI!! contains condescending/mean/possessed sam, but also sweet sam too <33. use of gendered terms, but it is gender inclusive to fem, masc, and gn as much as i could make it! horrible writing it's genuinely just me going feral :))

sooo basically for me the worst (best) part of meg!sam was his voice! it's so bad (never have i ever heard anything hotter in my life). IDK I DONT EVEN THINK I CAN FORM A COHERENT THOUGHT OVER THIS NOT GONNA LIE. uhm uhhh ummmm uhhhh uhmmmm.

so basically so basically, essentially, wwowowowowowowowifjhshf alright lets focus on one thing at a time.

we'll start with that goddamn voice of his. the way it goes from teasing, condescending to deeper, more gravelly and matter-of-fact and then back to condescending LIKE WHOO IM GONNA NEED TO TAKE A LAP. idk just thinking about his large hand on the back of your head, maybe tangled in your hair if the way you wear it allows for that, and his veiny forearm visible through your peripheral vision as he says "open up.. that's a girl" like he did to jo😭😭😭 (or he's says "thaaat's it" to keep things gender neutral, dragging out the "that's" for an extra second, that extra gravel in his condescending tone).

and while this is in possessed!sam context, he'd definitely say things like that normally, i do personally envision him to be less condescending and more sincere. either way, hot as fuck if you ask me. also this isn't meg!sam, but in season seven he says "good girl" and i do listen to that clip several times a day, i am so serious when i say that and i have no shame about it!! i have daddy issues so i do not care!!! so yeah he also says good girl/boy/whatever variation you enjoy best <3 uhmmm yeah but the main point is his hot as fuck voice, right next to your ear with his breath tickling you sensitive skin. especially with that whisper. oh god the whisper😭 and along with "that's a girl," there's atta girl and he'd use that one too so i'll go die in a hole :))) but yeah he genuinely thinks you're so good for him so expect that praise, whether you want it sweet or mean.

then we also have his facial expressions!! the smirk he uses to rile you up or that he flashes you, all mean and haughty because he knows he's getting to you. the fake pity too!! lord help me, once again the utterly fake pity just falls under that condescending persona that was so hot about meg!sam. i'm just gonna use photo evidence and you can imagine him looking at you like that!! enjoy!

last thing i have to say about meg!sam is manhandling!! ahahaahahahaahahah i'm normal and okay!! (this is a cry for help i need him so bad). um yeah while i hate the context of the manhandling of jo in the episode because it's crossing so many boundaries, i will still enjoy the fact that he is hot. so yeah! have fun thinking about sam whirling you around and pinning you between his chest and nearest surface, hand on your forehead to tilt your chin up and give him full access to the skin of your neck. his other hand is pinning your wrist to whatever surface is behind you, and your own free hand is tangled in his hair and he lays wet, desperate kisses all over your neck and collarbone. that's all hahahahaha :)))) feeling so sane right now!!

[skeletood]

PLEASE please please tell us all about your thoughts regarding davesprite. it does NOT HAVE TO BE COHERENT!!

FINALLY THE KIND OF ASKS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

I mean, it's nothing insane or hasn't already been said before. but god damn the knight making the ultimate sacrafice thing and then it never going appreciated fucks me up. plus it's fucking dave so the dude already spent his life under appreciated so this kid cant catch a fucking break. somebody i was talking to the other day said something about the guardian angel going thankless ? yeah dude imagine doing that when ur 13 and just want yourself and your only friends to live. fucks me right up dude dave is such a good fucking person to his core.

SO FUCKING MAD HE DIDN'T GET LIKE. Idk man i felt like he was actually getting set up for a lot more. like yknow, the dude that had to give up everything for the alpha timeline to keep going? he just gets shit on by his best friend for three years, explodes sometimes and then idk fuckin turned into a cat girl? THAT'S how you one let one of the most important daves to go out?? man... ok i guess..... i guess it is something of a reminder of like. the futility and how little the dead players mean to the alpha timeline. like, you were important but you're still just some stepping stone and i cant even imagine how hard that is for the dude who already doubted he could he anything great or heroic. FUCKING DAVES NOT THINKING THEYRE HEROIC AND THEN SACRAFICING THEMSELVES HEROICALLY. I want you dead dave strider im coming to your fucking house to get you man. i love this stupid kid. like most of davesprites reactions are so fucking normal for a kid that's lashing out or throwing a tantrum. and dude deserves to oh my god. not saying that hes infallible but like! he's a person still! and he has big emotions! why cant anybody but jade see the big emotions in this boy :( i mean i get it they technically both share the commonality of being a sprite at some point, in jades case. ok if i keep going down this thought path im its going to turn into a me shaking john around for being the kind of dude he is. which is like. i love him. but holy shit man.

actually. yknow what im one of the johndave guys. this extends itself to johndavesprite. i gotta put the insane ramblings i had in here too. fuck you im taking it as an excuse to talk about john psychology too and you CAN'T STOP ME.

so yeah theres that. apolocheese for the itty bittiest fuckin text ever.

in conclusion, davesprite rules, and john drools because hes dumb. i love him! but hes so special and especially stupid. BUT YEAH DAVESPRITE HES SO COOL. and fuckin fun to draw too actually i have some art to post i'll do that here in a sec

BUT YEAH THANKS FOR THE ASKING OF MY THOUGHTS. glad i dont have to be coherent either, shockingly enough its not really my style lmao. hope any of this made any sense o7

[crystaiskiess]

Thank you for answering first of all :) (also glad it wasn't a dumb question, one win at a time🫡). And tbh I really didn't have any answer of yours in mind, I just wanted an answer for it in general since it's really been plaguing my mind since that chapter; So that answer is MORE than enough. And also memory failure very much makes sense, I myself am a very forgetful person too, so like😭 (maybe I'm also just a little bit of a sappy person and thats why I wanted to know and thought: maaaybe?).

Sometimes I forget that people in stories don't have the pleasure of rereading and rereading and rereading their own stories till their last breath, which I obviously can do, so of course I'll remember it when they dont.

Though on THAT topic and please excuse me if that is one question/topic too much, I would very much understand since I can be a bit much with stuff I fixate on; but since I've read "The crystal cave" the first time I looked out for the stuff you implied might happen in the future. One of which was the sword scene (help I don't know what else to call it). At first I thought that scene happened in "The Changeling" when Merlin gave Arthur his sword and they have the talk about destiny and how it makes you feel like you don't have any choice etc, but then "The Sorcerers truth" came out and on god you made me doubt all that because that ALSO seemed to fit "the crystal caves" description (if not more than the scene from The changeling). The one thing I know is that I myself knew logically Merlin wouldn't really remember that since it was just snippets he saw, I've just been looking out for it so I kind of jumped at "The Sorcerers Truth's" description with that sword and magic conparison. I was very unsure if that would still later be explained or not (since I also caught the cloak scene you wrote in of Arthur still having it from "Under false presences") I really just wanted to know if I had the right idea here or not, I'd very much understand if it wasn't possible to answer that, though.

anyways to cut it short I really just wanted to say how much I appreciate your story and thank you for writing it since it's been one of, if not my favorite ever since (if that hasn't been made clear yet) and that I really rarely spent any time not thinking about it (kinda bad if you have other stuff to do but oh well). I hope it wasn't too much of anything and also coherent enough to understand. But I couldn't really not say it, since it's just non stop on my mind for what feels like an eternity now and as of now I couldn't really ever talk about it, and in all honesty I could probably spent days talking about it.

I really hope you have a good rest of your day/night :)

awww thank you so so so much !!! i truly cannot even express how much it means to know that you're enjoying oafk so much and that it's one of your favourites, it really means the absolute WORLD

yeah i love to hint sometimes at the fact that unlike us, merlin and arthur don't have the ease of being able to reread their own lives, and even though it's obviously a lot of words and a lot to keep track of even for readers, for them entire years full of memories and experiences are passing, some things are bound to slip through the cracks !!!

to answer your question (and truly there are never too many questions i love talking about oafk, it's my baby) yeah you're absolutely right merlin doesn't remember those snippets of visions at all, they were much more for the reader - and the sword scene aligns with the one in 'the sorcerer's truth' !!! you've 100% got the right idea there

i hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night too 💕💕

[lordsooga]

hit us with the . *thinks really hard* midzel, volga/ghirahim, ganghira, impa/zelda (whichever game you want), sidlink . no coherence between these pairs just whatever popped in my head i haven’t heard you about yet

Midzel: I do ship them, though they never really became my THING. So not a ship I've thought about a lot, but I DO know everyone who ships them is extremely right too. Also obviously two princesses from parallel worlds of light and dark who cannot be together is DELICIOUS.

volga/ghirahim: I've never played the original hyrule warriors so i dont know jack-shit about volga besides that he..... IS..... the dragon from OoT? But from the little I know about him and from what you've told me I think they'd absolutely hate each other. I cannot think of any conceivable reason they'd actually get together?? But it would be the worst relationship in the world. You're gonna have to, like, lock them in a box alone together and shake them. And then I think they'd come out hating each other even more.

I'll go ahead and put the rest of these under the cut:

ganghira: Ohhhhh baby. Being literally made as a weapon to be wielded and then meeting this guy who is.... a different man entirely from your master, but still have something of him inside of him. I love that. I"ll enjoy a cute ganghira fanwork. But I cannot see this being anywhere near healthy. But that doesn't mean I don't think they wouldn't work together in their fucked up way.

impa/zelda: Another sheet that isn't super full even though I think they'd be cute together. All the wholesome ships get pretty empty bingo sheets. I'll go with aoc zelda and impa for this one. They fucked up kind of Sheikah devotion to the crown isn't REALLY there in this game, but Impa would still clearly do anything to support her. Personally I like them together platonically or as qpps if anything.

sidlink: YEAH BABY SIDLINK BABY!!! dont let the empty sheet fool you, that shark is basically why i bought botw!!! and you know what, i still think they're adorable together. he's just big enthusiastic and supportive, how am i not supposed to love him. Link should have something in his life constantly hyping him up and supporting him. He's also irresistible to the royal zoras so. I mostly like them as just good, wholesome fun together.

[lovesongrecs]

so, funnily enough, i actually switched over to ao3 really quickly to read some stuff there because nothing in the tumblr tags (speaking of, i giggled a bit too hard at 'not beta read cus im raw as fuck' than i should have) was really appealing to me so seeing the little note at the end made me jump bc!!! obviously... i must return to the motherland and support in any way i can because GOD. this was just too good

i almost never leave reviews anymore, let alone Tag my reblogs, seeing as i am way too out of it because i have the very horrible and cruel and unfortunate habit of reading before bed (they're my bedtime stories!) and into the early hours of the morning where my brain is no longer capable of forming coherent sentences but this... This just has my brain up and running and ready to go like FFFSGHSHDHD

honestly, this did not go the way i had thought it would HOWEVER!!!! 🤓☝🏼 i am not mad at it. I'm not mad at it at all actually in fact i'm GRATEFUL because i was absolutely dreading the part where seonghwa walks in. I was imagining a hundred different ways it could have gone and all i thought was its so over... mc and seonghwa are so over and no one's gonna be happy except maybe yunho and like . The rest of ateez that made an appearance and told mc to dump hwa but i think i would have been absolutely devastated and heartbroken if seonghwa dumped mc like. he's my bias and i would've taken it personally if this took an angsty turn (my heart literally cant take it. I love seonghwa) but luckily it didn't! i was so relieved it didn't — it felt like the weight of the world was magically lifted off my shoulders as if i actually was mc and cheating on my boyfriend with his teammate. i don't agree with cheating at all like not even in the slightest but like, seriously... why just have one when you can have two! the compromise of polyamory is kind of everything like everyone can be happy that way. Why fight and get upset and be sad when you can just get a new boyfriend and also a boyfriend for your boyfriend?

speaking of that actually, omg. i was pleasantly surprised to see mxm because . it's just too good and i wish more self-insert writers jumped at the opportunity when writing anything 3+ because it tickles my brain just the right way!! In my mind i've always just thought like why's it just the reader getting all the attention... guys can suck dick or get fucked as a little treat... stop being shy! Also i heavily misread that part i don't know how because it was as clear as day what was going to happen but still, for some reason my brain also short circuited and i thought seonghwa was gonna get dicked down too 😭 like i would've still read it either way (average fujoshi) but i wasn't expecting it at all and got literal whiplash trying to process what i was reading and then again when it dawned upon me that i couldn't have been more wrong LMFAOO

i dont know how. I think this is like the first time this sentence (compliment, really) has ever come out of me but the way you wrote yunho was just... so sexy???/? so Alluring. like yeah the whole point of smut is for a character to be sexy and have that sexual appeal that makes you want to jump their bones but i guess i just never really felt it as strongly (if at all) as i did when reading this because like holy fuck. I would have folded too? him being yunho was already enough (sorry hwa...) but the way he was written.... 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💥🚑 just too good. amazing even. i'll probably reread this again tomorrow between classes just because it was that good

compromise | j. yh & p. sh

♡ pairing: seonghwa x f!reader x yunho features yunho x seonghwa and minor yungi x reader ♡ chapters: 1 out of 1 ♡ word count: 11k ♡ rating: mature/18+ (minors dni) ♡ genre: university au, soccer!ateez, smut, established relationship, minor angst, polyamory ♡ warnings/tags: infidelity/cheating, mentions of alcohol and marijuana use, yunho has a big dick, switch!seonghwa, dirty talk, size kink if u squint, pet names (babe, baby, princess), degradation (use of nasty, whore, disgusting), oral (female giving), oral (male giving), choking, crying, hair pulling, unprotected sex, creampie, all the usual goodies

♡ synopsis: your relationship with seonghwa is crumbling before your very eyes. in a moment of weakness, yunho has you succumbing to your desires but you end up getting more than you bargained for.

♡ author’s note:  howdy everyone !! i present to u ... compromise... >:3 likes, comments or reblogs are all greatly appreciated! if u enjoyed this lil tidbit, then dont be shy and drop a request!! or just giv me some good ole luv in the ask box... ♡

Winter has been cold; the winds unrelenting, the showers heavy, but most notably it was the loneliest of seasons. Months filled with ghostly kisses and slivers of physical intimacy that you could only reminisce of for so long. 

Following the arrival of the lively blooms, you prayed for more opportunity as your newfound faith rose with the sun. Spring marks new beginnings — or so they say.  The warm radiance of clear skies and gentle rains grace your heavy heart with hope. Things will be different this time around. Surely. 

You long for Seonghwa's company, but you could never get more than a moment alone with the man. Maybe it was your fault for dating such a busy body, but you don't think so. The first year was filled with lovely memories and unforgettable dates, yet all too fast everything slipped away before you had any control over it. 

Seonghwa is popular, smart, diligent, and responsible. With his final year at university nearing an end, his days were constantly in motion. Juggling a near perfect GPA whilst doing extracurriculars meant he had little to no time for leisurely activities. Leisurely activities included you, his girlfriend. 

As of last semester Seonghwa's schedule went accordingly: Mondays are spent volunteering at the local nursing home. Tuesday through Thursday he works at the dainty little flower shop by the library and Sundays are reserved for homework and studying. On top of it all, there was mandatory soccer practice every weekday evening. 

One would think that left him the weekend to spend with his lonesome lover, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. That's what you wish to believe, but you know better at this point.

"I'm sorry, babe. Mr. Sung had an emergency at the retirement home, I don't think I can make it tonight." 

"Shit! I have a test on Monday, I have to study... I'm so sorry, love. I'll make it up to you!"

"An important client needs me to stay and arrange twenty bouquets for her. I'm really sorry, baby..." 

His apologies came far too frequent, and you had grown tired of his antics. You understand his priorities, but it was clear you were not at the top of the list. You're not sure if you were even on the list at all. 

Despite his negligence, you still continue to try your best for him in the belief he'll slowly begin to reciprocate attention to you as he used to. No matter how demoralized, you still wished to maintain an image as his perfect girlfriend. Routinely you bring him coffee every morning, pack his lunch, attend his practices and games, yadda yadda… All the good stuff.

All of this is done with uncertain optimism though your insecurities are heavily laced in between each action. All you could really do is stay hopeful at this point. 

Come the first home soccer game of Spring, your ass is presently glued to the metal bleachers as you're seated before the field. The players are hustling along the range, gunning for dominance over the ball. Your best friend Mingi sits beside you, the two of you sharing a large throw that's spread across from shoulder to shoulder. 

Even with the rays of sunlight flickering between wisps of sullen clouds, the air still brings a chill with it. Blankets were a necessity at games like these. Huddling with the larger male proves to bring much needed warmth as you're cozying up to each other between idle chatter. 

Mingi is a defender for KQ University's soccer team, but due to an unforeseen injury he has been forced to the bench until further notice. Thankfully, you have each other for company during his recovery. 

Focusing between your small talk and watching your boyfriend, you're caught off guard by your companion's next words and nearly double take at him. 

"You and Hwa still having troubles?" 

You let out a quiet murmur, akin to denial and watch as the ball is passed to Seonghwa. 

"Uh..." 

The blonde maneuvers skillfully along the field before rounding his leg back and swinging precisely, shooting straight into the opposing team's goal. 

Immediately everyone erupts into cheers and you can't help but to join them, not willing yourself to verbalize your answer at the other man's question. A small smile tugs the corners of your mouth. That's your Seonghwa: striker extraordinaire! Boyfriend? Not as extraordinary. 

"You don't have to beat around the bush. I can see it all over your face. You're like an open book," Mingi points out bluntly as he speaks over the roaring crowd.

If you were such an open book then why couldn't Seonghwa pick up on how distressed you were? 

"Just admit it, you guys haven't been on a date in weeks and god knows how long it’s been since you��ve been laid." Although his words sting, you know what he says is true. You visibly wince and give a sharp nudge to his ribs, earning a pained whine from his end. 

"Shut up, man! There's only so much I can do with a guy that busy." 

Folding your arms over your chest, a frustrated sigh comes from you. Mingi has since begun to belt out suggestions, giving your shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he does so.

"Just break up?" 

As if it were that easy.

"I don't know about that one..." 

You're only half listening at this point, your eyes scanning the expanse of the field until they fall upon another player who is currently running up to Seonghwa and high-fiving him. 

The man in question is tall, even taller than the giant beside you. He’s also incredibly handsome. He didn't fit the status of conventionally attractive, yet his presence isn’t one you can dismiss easily. With a towering frame and broad shoulders, it’s hard for you not to notice.

And his uniform? God. His sweat laden jersey sticks to the outline of his chiseled chest, fabric clinging and accentuating his lean form. Even worse, the shorts he wore did nothing to hide his set of long, muscular legs. You can feel yourself warming up considerably as you ogle him shamelessly from head to toe.

After their high-five he’s bouncing along the grass with a newfound spurt of energy and returning to his spot by the goal. When the ball is back in play, he takes on a defensive position, knees bent forward as his gloved hands are held out before him. Can't forget the big hands and nice ass too. 

Your eyes flicker to his backside. Unable to help yourself, your stare is glued to him as you swallow thickly once he bends over, trying to ignore the full display of his butt before you. God, what were you doing? 

"Ok, I know you're lonely and desperate but Yunho is not someone you should be thirsting over." Mingi's deep rumble of warning breaks you from your stupor. You tear your eyes from the goalie and meet your friend's knowing expression, cheeks aflame in embarrassment from having been caught. 

"It doesn't hurt to look..." A guilty whisper comes from you as you return your focus to the goalkeeper, only to have your eyes widening in surprise when you're met by his own heated gaze. 

Despite the distance from the stands, you can see a wicked and knowing smirk forming on his lips. As if he can read your thoughts, he readies himself in position once more but not before shooting a sultry look in your direction. Oh. 

"That's more than just looking, babe. As his best friend and your best friend, trust me when I tell you it's not a good idea to get involved." Your companion can't help but to chastise you, shaking his head. Mingi is probably right though. He usually is.

Jeong Yunho is not someone you should be concerned with, yet there is an allusive and alluring pull to him. Everyone on the team is popular in their own right, but Yunho often has people flocking to him left and right. Amongst the boys, he and Seonghwa were probably the two most sought after men on campus. 

The goalie was known for his exuberance and friendliness, attracting attention from all types of people. In truth, it was hard for many to resist his charms. Not you though. You’d like to think you have a decent reign on your self control especially considering the fact you're not single. 

Even if that wasn’t the truth, the issue with Yunho is that he's a known heartbreaker. It was apparent that he didn't date or hook up often, despite his popularity. Even so, that only seemed to heighten his desirability. And regardless of that fact, word around campus was that he was infamous for having a huge dick.

The rumors stemmed from someone who was supposedly lucky enough to sleep with him, though nobody can confirm or deny. Whether true or false, many still try to gun for his attention in hopes of finding out.

Honestly, you shouldn’t even be interested in entertaining the idea. You barely even know the guy, only having chatted with him during practices and at the occasional party here and there. Not to mention you have your lovely, smart, gorgeous, busy… busy… boyfriend. Damn it, you're a horrible person. 

“Fuck!” With both hands slapping your cheeks, you groan out in frustration while sinking into your palms. 

Mingi raises his eyebrows and peers at you with a questioning look. 

“What?” 

“Dude, why am I thinking about Jeong Yunho's supposedly big dick?!” It's his turn to groan while he's rolling his eyes. 

As if things couldn't get any worse, you suddenly feel a pair of eyes on you again. The heavy stare that bores into you is enough of a tell that you don't dare to look forward, the goalie's shit eating grin taunting you from your peripherals. 

"Seriously? Could you have said that any louder? He's literally staring at you!" 

"Shut up, shut up! I know, dude!" 

"Please just... I don't know. Please, don't." 

After that you both sit in silence for the remainder of the game, left to linger amongst your own regretful thoughts. 

It's not long before the bleachers begin to shake as the crowd excitedly stomps and hollers. A roar of cheering erupts from the stands once the final score reflects 4-1, the timer paused on zero. 

In the rush of commotion you and Mingi forget the previous tension and untangle from the blanket, both of you stumbling slightly down the steps. You're quick to steal the throw, pulling it around yourself as you leave your seats, joining the team on the field. 

"Hey! Get back here!" 

Mingi shouts in complaint but trails after you nonetheless, catching up to you slowly as he rubs his arms and shivers.

You're both merging in the group of people crowding the team as everyone lets out celebratory cheers, animatedly chatting amongst each other. Mingi kisses your cheek and dips from you to join his fellow players. 

You're left to battle the masses, squeezing and weaving between bodies as you try to make your way to Seonghwa quickly. When you reach him, he's surrounded by some of his peers, all of them laughing while exchanging hugs and pats on the back. 

When he finally turns and sees you, his eyes light up. He's quick to wiggle away from everyone and he's pulling you into a bone crushing hug, lifting you off the ground and spinning you. 

The action surprises you but it's not unwelcome as you laugh and clutch onto him tightly, a squeal coming from you.

"Hwa!"

"Did you see me, baby? I can't believe we won!" You smile endearingly, though you can't help but chuckle at his comment. Of course they won. After all, they were one of the top soccer teams in the province.

He plants a single big wet kiss on your lips before he's setting you down, arms still wrapped around you. An adoring look crosses your face as he beams proudly. The familiarity of his hug was something you missed dearly, and you don’t even mind that he’s covered in dirt and grass stains. 

Perhaps corny on your end, but you didn’t want your hug with him to end. You don't remember the last time he held you so joyfully. You knew it was probably from the high of winning the game, but you can pretend just for a little while longer that it was because he missed you. 

"You did amazing, Hwa!" The stars in his eyes expand, twinkling with pride as you compliment him, his smile stretching impossible wide. Your heart stutters at the sight, making you want to melt entirely within his arms. 

You want to shower him with more praise but all too suddenly, he's being pulled away from you. You recognize his reluctance as he apologetically tips his head and mouths 'sorry' when the crowd pulls him away, tossing him up in their arms as they're chanting his name. 

"Party at Wooyoung's!"

"Drinks on Seonghwa!" 

They march further and further away from you, filing into the locker rooms as you watch from afar, standing pathetically by yourself on the field. The crowd has since dissipated and you're all too aware that you're alone now. 

The forgotten blanket is still draped around you, and you clutch it tighter around your frame as the breeze sends a shiver down your spine. 

"You should dump him, you know." 

You jump in shock and spin on your heel, head whipping in the direction of the new voice. You're met with the very same goalie you had been checking out earlier, a sense of guilt creeping over your back. How long was he standing behind you? 

"What?" You manage to say back to him, unsure of how to approach his suggestion. 

"I said you should dump him." 

Yunho stands tall and defiantly before you, arms folded over his chest as he cocks an eyebrow in amusement. You give him a once over before you frown, trying to look anywhere but at him. 

"You don't know anything." 

He doesn't miss your lingering look and the corner of his lips quirk up knowingly as he steps toward you. 

You stumble back, heart catching in your throat when you look up to meet his stare, his eyes swimming dangerously with an unknown emotion.

"I know enough, princess. A good girl like yourself wouldn't be eye fucking me if your boyfriend was taking care of you well enough," he pauses and leans past you, whispering hotly against the shell of your ear, " — or if he was fucking you properly." 

A tremble of desire ripples down your spine but you move back, flabbergasted by his statement. You're no sooner tripping over your own feet and you topple backwards, landing on your ass.

Yunho barks out in laughter, not bothering to offer you any help. The man is hunched over now, chuckling loudly as he stares at your frustrated form below him. He clutches his stomach and figuratively wipes his eye as if he'd just witnessed the funniest thing of his life.

"Fuck you," you spit back to him. 

“Just say when and I’m all yours.” 

You’re shocked by his admission, not daring to meet his eyes as your hand begins swiping the blades of grass under you. Though you're annoyed, you can't ignore the bubble of arousal that has spread through your belly. Yunho wants to fuck you. You rewind his words over and over again in your head, only snapping into focus when you hear Seonghwa’s voice calling out to you from a distance.

"Babe?" From several meters away, you see your boyfriend approaching closer in a light jog. He has since changed out of his uniform, and is now sporting a long sleeve with some form fitting jeans. 

"Are you ok? I didn't know you were friends with Yunho!" Seonghwa reaches you both shortly, oblivious to the situation before him, smiling from ear to ear as he begins to help you up. 

"I’m ok. I just tripped, that's all..." You offer an uncertain smile, standing up and wiping the debris from your pants. 

"Hey, man! I was just asking her if she's coming to the party." Yunho throws his arm over Seonghwa, giving him a side hug before he's veering off toward the locker rooms.

"Gonna go shower. See ya both there!"

You're left with Seonghwa as the goalie's form disappears into the building. You shouldn't be upset now that you have some alone time with your boyfriend, but the encounter leaves you unsettled and questioning yourself. 

You swallow nervously and lace your fingers with the man before you, gently tugging him along toward the parking lot.

"Let's go get ready, yeah?" He nods his head and lets you lead the way, happily swinging your hands.

"I missed you, babe. I can't wait for the party." 

The guilt continues to fester at the back of your mind but you force it away, mustering up a half hearted smile. 

"I missed you too."

The Jung family was known for being wealthy, so securing their beloved son a lavish 3 story building within your college town was no hard feat. Given Wooyoung's spacious living situation he also housed some of his fellow players. One being his closest buddy, Choi San, two being your best friend, Song Mingi and the third roomie was none other than the infamous goalie himself. 

To say you're familiar with the house is an understatement, having stayed over on many occasions whether it be for a soccer function, party or to hang out with Mingi. The building itself is huge, reminiscent of someone's dream home but it was a little closer to a frat house than anything given the current occupants. 

By the time you reach Wooyoung's, the sun is already setting beneath the skyline. In typical party fashion, there are people pouring in and out of the door and you see a few stragglers who are already wasted, strewn about the front yard. 

The music is at full blast, some unfamiliar hip hop beats pumping from the speakers. The noise grows louder as you both near the entrance, the volume of chatter mixing in with the tempo of the current song. 

When you and Seonghwa step through the bustling entryway of the Jung manor, a chorus of drunken cheers are heard amidst the packs of various friend groups. 

"Yo! There's the man of the hour!" Wooyoung is ever the host as he’s quick to greet you two, shoving a can of beer into Seonghwa's hand while he slings an arm around his shoulder.

"M'lady," he playfully curtsies to you, despite the awkward entanglement of he and Seonghwa's limbs, "help yourself to some drinks. The boys want to take some celebratory shots to get things rolling!"

"Thanks, Woo!" You grin back at him and follow along as you're led toward the kitchen. Bottles of hard liquor amass the counter along with littered and forgotten red solo cups, some full and others empty.

The crowd is more dense in this room, all the soccer players packed around the island as they're downing shot after shot. Seonghwa is quick to join them, abandoning your company when he’s encouraged by their enthusiastic hooting.��

The sight brings a smile to your face but your expression morphs into something unpleasant when he hooks his elbow with Yunho, both of them throwing down their beverages in unison. 

You don't miss how Yunho's adam's apple bobs as he tips his glass back or how a dribble of tequila trails down his chin from his lips. When his eyes meet yours, they're narrowed playfully. There's a knowing glint behind his gaze that has you promptly turning on your heel. 

With your back to the crowd, you're squeezing past the lot as you direct yourself elsewhere. You spare Mingi a pat in passing and maneuver toward the opposite side of the kitchen where you reach for a solo cup, opting to fill it from the massive dispenser of jungle juice in the corner. You make a mental note to come back for shots later once it's less crowded.

As you're filling your drink a hand lands on your shoulder, giving you a soft squeeze that makes you jolt in surprise. The liquid sloshes in your cup, narrowly missing your clothes. You turn to the perpetrator and immediately breathe a sigh of relief when you recognize the voice.

"Careful with that. It'll fuck you up good." 

"Hongjoong! You scared the hell out of me!" 

The man in question laughs and bumps his shoulder to yours. He's nursing his own drink which he holds up to you, nodding his head. Hongjoong and you go way back, both having an unspoken mutual respect for each other.

You've known him as long as you've known Seonghwa, but the both of them have been friends for many years prior so you have nothing on that. Even though he's not a part of the main roster, Hongjoong is the manager for the team, which makes him just as important. 

The two of you met through Mingi and you both bonded instantly, enjoying each other's presence. You aren't necessarily close, but you're far from anything unfriendly. You’re also dating his best bud, so it was hard to avoid him if things were any different. 

"Cheers!" 

"Bottoms up, Joong." 

You clink your plastic cup to his and you're both gulping down the booze in one go, a grimace overtaking your features as the concoction of alcohol and juice washes over you. Whatever that was, it was nasty. 

“Dude, who made this? Isn’t jungle juice supposed to NOT taste like alcohol?”

“Probably some dumb ass.”

And that's how the rest of the night proceeds. In between failing to get Seonghwa's attention and socializing with various people (mostly Hongjoong), you're left to your own vices for nearly an hour. Like the others though, Hongjoong soon finds better company amongst his peers. 

It hasn’t been long since your arrival yet you're feeling the effects of the alcohol already. Seonghwa has since been whisked away by his other friends, easily forgetting you in the midst of celebrations. It's nothing new, but the substance does help dull the pain. 

To say you’re upset is an understatement. Does Seonghwa just not care? You even did up your makeup a little cuter today. Forgoing your usual attire, you wear a black strappy and skimpy little number tonight. You weren't one to usually show off your assets but it didn't matter since your efforts went unnoticed, leaving you high and dry. 

Submitting defeat, you make up your mind and decide you would have fun regardless of your relationship. Fuck Seonghwa. You’re at a party, so you might as follow its intended purpose. 

You've already made your rounds within the house several times, chatting amongst your friends only briefly before you wind back up in the kitchen. Although you're not quite drunk yet, you're definitely getting there as you begin to wobble over to the counter of spirits.

You're finishing your second helping of jungle juice once you've arrived at the island. A random liquor bottle is plucked from the selection and with the emptied solo cup in hand, you're quick to pour some expensive looking vodka, filling it halfway before you knock it back hastily. No chaser necessary. The sting is immediate, burning down your throat as you try not to gag down the rest.

Drinking the substance was akin to what you imagine rubbing alcohol tastes like. Disgusting, but it does the job. The cup is tossed aside and you wipe your mouth with your hand before you trudge toward the open doors of the backyard, the last area you've yet to explore for the night. 

The moon now rises within the darkened skies, illuminating the expanse of the yard. From here, the music is a bit more muted and the chatter is quieter. Centered in the middle of the space was a pool, where some people were lounging about. Not a good spot for a tipsy girl like yourself. 

Further to the side, the pungent smell of marijuana wafts from the corner where a large fire pit roars alive. Some familiar faces surround the area and from afar you can see they’re passing around a joint. You're quick to abandon your post by the doors, stumbling toward the lull of the flames. 

"Miiiingi," you call out as you approach closer, slinging your arms around the said man.

Mingi turns slightly at the mention of his name and catches you just in time as you throw yourself into him, a loopy smile on your lips. 

"Damn… You look,” he whistles lowly, “how many drinks have you had?" 

"How do I look? And like... only a few!" 

You drop your hold from him and step away to do a little drunk twirl, stumbling slightly. He raises his eyebrows in amusement but still claps his hands nonetheless.

"You look good enough to eat, babe. And I hope ‘a few’ doesn’t include the pitcher of that god awful jungle juice. I think Wooyoung threw anything and everything in there." 

"Maaaaybe two of those and a shot!" A shot being that half cup of vodka earlier, which was basically two shots if you think about it. Mingi didn’t need to know that though.

He just shrugs his shoulders and smiles lightly. He wasn't one to stop you if you wanted to let loose. You grin and squeeze his hand once, thankful he wasn’t too concerned over your lack of sobriety. As you’re stepping around him and circling the fire pit, you greet the others surrounding you, not wishing to be rude.

To Mingi's left, your friends Yeosang, San and Jongho are in a deep debate as the lingering smoke from the weed and burning wood mixes within the air. They all wave at you and quickly return to their conversation. You think you hear something along the lines of whether or not mint chocolate chip is the superior ice cream flavor, but you don't really know. 

To the opposite side of Mingi, Yunho nods his head to you as he reclines in a woven lawn chair with his legs spread apart. Even in your current state you don’t miss the way his eyes are greedily raking over your exposed form, taking in every inch of skin you’re showing. His actions have you shifting nervously on the balls of your feet and you don’t know how to approach him. 

Regardless of the fact that you are ready or not, you have to face him now. Against your better judgment, you think you should enjoy his attention while you can and at this point, you were getting too drunk to care.

You aren’t sure if it’s the alcohol in your system or your disarray of emotions, but you can hardly ignore how the denim of his jeans hug his muscular thighs or how his white t-shirt rides up a little when he leans back, showing you just a sliver of his skin.

You’re both readily checking each other out and it makes you feel hot with shame. His eyes are hazy from the effects of the cannabis and he's taking a long drag before holding it up in your direction. 

"Hey, princess. You want a hit?" A billow of smoke rolls over his lips as he speaks, voice low and gravelly from the dryness in his throat. You swear you’ve never seen anything sexier than the sight of him before you. 

"Don't call me that," you murmur as you snatch the joint from his hand and inhale from it, sucking in a bit too sharply. The smoke that fills your lungs all too soon comes out in sputters and it has you coughing out several times. 

The sound of Yunho's hearty and familiar laughter joined with Mingi's fills your ears, making your face burn with embarrassment. If you could dig a hole right now and hide in it, you would. You roll your eyes and pass the end of the blunt to Mingi while trying to recompose yourself. 

"What brings you out here, pretty girl?" Yunho questions you, but you both know why. Mingi knows too, yet he chooses to ignore the unspoken tension between you two as he's too preoccupied finishing off the last of the joint.

"You know, the usual," you slur a bit as you speak, noting how the alcohol seems to pump more heavily through your veins, " — Hwa is too busy to pay attention to me so I may as well get as crossed as I can tonight." 

"I told you that you should just break up with him." Mingi crushes the remainder of the joint under his shoe as he speaks, eyeing you warily. 

"Yeah! You're clearly not having fun worrying about him!" Jongho suddenly butts into the conversation, his statement being followed by several nods and a chorus of verbal agreements from the rest of the boys.

"I wasn't aware that my relationship was everyone and their mother's business." You huff in response.

“Just because Hwa is our friend doesn’t mean we don’t know he’s a shitty boyfriend to you,” Yeosang pitches in. 

“He’s not a bad guy. I just don’t know if he deserves that… And you guys make it sound like dumping him is the easiest thing in the world.” 

You groan loudly at their insistent suggestions. All you've heard tonight is people telling you to break it off with him, but he’s still the man you fell in love with. You wish things weren’t so complicated. 

“Him being a good guy is different from him being a good boyfriend. If you’re not happy, you shouldn’t stay with him,” San adds with a firm nod.

"Well whatever you do, they’re still right,” you're about to complain again but Yunho is quick to grab your hand, “Like Jongho said, you're not having fun, so let's go dance."

He’s standing up abruptly as he tugs on your hand, leading you back inside and toward the lively mass of dancing bodies within the house. The boys cheer in unison and follow suit, filing into the packed living room.

Within the dim space the lights are set down low and in the area where the speakers occupy there’s a set of disco lights atop, flickering from corner to corner, the gradient of multiple hues bobbing every which way.  

Your group is weaving through the crowd of bodies until you’re all within the center of the dancing where you’re being sandwiched between both Mingi and Yunho. The room is unbearably hot, yet you’re too intoxicated to care as you lose yourself to the sultry song that plays through the house. 

In front of you Mingi is clutching onto your shoulders as he easily moves himself to the beat of the music, swaying from side to side. From behind Yunho is holding your waist and you feel him bumping against your backside as he dances. You almost feel overwhelmed between the two men, but your arms loop around Mingi’s torso and you close your eyes, allowing yourself to rock against their bodies. 

The boys brought you inside to have fun and you don’t want to waste the rest of the night worrying about your relationship. You’re between two ridiculously handsome men, so you might as well indulge a little. 

Yunho's breath is hot against your neck as you drop your head back on his shoulder, eyes fluttering open to meet his half lidded stare. Beneath his stare is the look of something unidentifiable again, a dangerous and lustful glint. The movements never stop even as his grip tightens around you, his large hands over your hips. 

"You look so fucking sexy tonight," Yunho's whisper is almost lost to the volume of the music but you hear him clearly as he mutters into your ear. You bite your lip at his compliment and feel your body heating up. 

"Want to rip this tiny dress off your body." He continues his onslaught of suggestive words, not faltering even as you press yourself instinctively to his crotch. 

You're not surprised that he's hard against your ass but you are shocked by the sheer feeling of his size outlined beneath the fabric of his denim. Even with the jeans covering him, you can tell that the rumors are definitely true. 

The thought of his dick alone has something stirring within your loins and you can't help but to grind yourself harder against his growing erection as a whine threatens to bubble up from your throat. 

"You like that, princess?" His hold slides down from your waist and he toys with the hem of your dress, fingers dancing along the material teasingly. 

His blatant flirting has you feeling nervous but you can't deny how turned on you are at the way he touches and gropes at you within the public eye. 

Mingi is either too high to care or completely unaware of the situation as his body bumps against yours. His elbows slack on your shoulders but you can tell he's enjoying himself from the dopey grin he has as he's watching the scene unfold before him. So much for heeding his warning about Yunho. He didn't even seem to care anymore. 

If not for your friend dancing alongside you, the sight of you rubbing yourself against Yunho would definitely look suspicious. At this point, you're not sure if being caught in the act bothers you though. You're much too faded and you're reveling in the feeling of both their hands all over you. Any guilt that still threatens to ruin your night is now easily disregarded.

The actions of your bodies gyrating against each other has made your dress ride up, revealing more of your already exposed thighs. With the way your lacy black underwear is just barely beginning to peek out beneath your skimpy dress, it takes Yunho everything in his willpower not to spread your legs right there and fuck you with his fingers. 

You don't notice your indecency, but Yunho certainly does. Luckily he and Mingi are there to block the view from any prying eyes. He wouldn't want to share such a sinful sight with anyone else anyway. 

"Do you want to take this upstairs?" 

You should say no, but you find yourself nodding instead and allowing him to pull you backwards. 

Mingi doesn’t seem to mind the absence of your body and easily bids you both farewell as he drunkenly looks for a new dance partner once you're both stumbling through the mass of moving bodies. 

With his larger hand clasped over yours, Yunho is leading you through the string of scattered party goers until you're both practically tripping up the stairs. 

You know you should acknowledge the feeling of shame that looms over you, but there's a thrum of excitement filling your senses. The thrill of entertaining such a heinous act drives you further into some sick type of high. 

As you and Yunho are both hurrying to his room, you fail to see your boyfriend hovering close by the bottom of the stairwell. The drink he has is downed in one go before he's crushing the cup in his hand and tossing it over his shoulder. There is a surge of alcohol and rage pumping through his blood as he begins to ascend the steps after you.

When you reach Yunho’s room, he leads you inside and kicks the door shut behind him. Although the room is pitch black it doesn’t stop how he clutches onto your waist and pushes you into the door as he begins to kiss you heavily.

There is no hesitance to claim your lips while his large hands are eager to explore the expanse of your scantily clad body. His touch is everywhere at once and you're breathless as he attacks your lips with fervor, drinking in your kisses whilst groaning breathlessly into your mouth. 

It shouldn't feel so good to have him touching you, but each brush of his fingers feels electrifying on your skin, driving you more mad with each passing second. 

All too soon he's pulling away from your mouth and backing up until you hear the click of him switching on the lamp nearby. A dull light floods the space, the interior of his room filling your vision. You’re momentarily distracted and briefly take a minute to examine the minute details of his living arrangements. 

By the corner rests a black recliner and a shelf lined with family photos and awards from the numerous sports he’s played. Miscellaneous equipment and video games are scattered about the room amongst his various clothes. Everything looked pretty standard for a college guy like himself.

When he sees you're preoccupied taking in the sight of your surroundings, he uses the chance to shed his clothes, leaving only his boxer briefs. Once done, he's quick to lay back on his mattress, which rests at the center of his room and he sits up against the pillows while motioning for you to come closer. 

You don't move at first, eyes zeroing in on the man who lays before you. Despite the lamp’s dull luminance you can still make out the toned muscles that sculpt his lean figure. Beneath his abs, a faint trial of his hair disappears beneath the band of his undergarments. The shape of his erection straining against the fabric of his underwear has you squirming in place. 

“Princess, my eyes up here.” Immediately your head snaps up to meet his smug look, grin tugging at his lips. Even with the short garb on your body, you feel suddenly overdressed when you ogle his bare form. 

He’s staring at you beneath his heavy lids, lust evident within his eyes. The effects of the marijuana still clouds his mind but he's never felt better. 

“Strip for me.” The command rings in your ears, a low timber in his voice as his hand creeps over his present bulge. He’s no sooner palming himself, stroking himself through his underwear. 

The sight has your mouth going dry, arousal encouraging your actions when you begin to sway your hips before him. You don't know if it's the intoxication or just the raw desire to fuck him that fuels your next actions. The sight of him spread out before you and stroking his cock certainly contributes to your newfound bravado. 

You’re clumsily dancing and shimmying the dress off, your body rolling as the straps slide off your shoulders and droop down to reveal your bare breasts. When the fabric drops past your waist and to the floor, you clumsily kick the article aside and move toward the edge of the bed.

The lacy black underwear that previously taunted Yunho is now on full display as you begin to make your way onto the bed, both knees sinking into the mattress as you crawl toward him on all fours. He’s groaning as he watches your tantalizing prowl, squeezing himself hard through his delicates. 

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath, your figure approaching closer until you hover before him, straddling his thighs. 

Your mouths reconnect when you settle over him, letting your clothed mound rest on his lap before you begin to drag yourself against his length. The friction between your loins draws another noise from him as he's eagerly returning your kiss, tongue and teeth clashing with hunger. 

His hands find purchase on your waist, sliding up your body and cupping your breasts as he begins to roll himself under you. As he carefully tweaks your nipples you whine into his mouth, each kiss growing more messy, your lips swollen as he devours you.

He doesn’t know if he can handle another second of being trapped beneath you as he rubs against you through the flimsy garments separating you. You feel so good and he's not even inside you yet. 

The kiss is broken when he sinks further into his pillows, arching forward impatiently in a struggle to remove his underwear. Not wanting to laugh at his attempts, you lift yourself from him and help slide the offending article down his legs. 

His erection springs free from its confines and your jaw goes slack when you finally take in the size of his cock. Seeing it under his boxers was one thing but this… The rumors definitely didn’t do him justice. Watching him twitch against his stomach with his precum pooling at the tip of his length makes you think you’ve never wanted to taste something as much as his dick. 

When you look up to Yunho, he has his ever present shit eating grin. He knows you’re impressed and he revels in the attention, enjoying how your expression morphs from shock to pure desire. 

Once you've recollected yourself he grasps the sides of your panties and tugs them impatiently. The position has you struggling to remove the lingerie but he opts to rip the fabric instead, tearing down the sides and tossing the remnants elsewhere as you’re left to gape at his hastiness.

“Those were my favori-” You struggle to verbalize your next words as a gasp escapes you when you suddenly feel his hand cupping your exposed sex. 

“I was going to ruin them one way or another,” he says with a roll of his eyes as his fingers delicately run along the arousal that has collected between your folds. He experimentally rubs his thumb against your clit, watching as your body trembles from his featherweight touch. 

“You’re already this wet for me? Naughty girl.” 

“Shut up,” you murmur as you slap his hand away and situate yourself back on his lap, letting him feel your wetness against the length of his erection. 

“Sorry, princess.” He throws his arms up in mock surrender but they're no sooner on your thighs as you both continue to hump against each other, the feeling of skin to skin unbearable as he bites back a moan.

“I told you to stop calling me that!” The tip of his cock brushes past your clit, easily sliding back and forth along your opening once you're rocking yourself faster atop him.

“You seem to like it,” he says with a knowing tone and he squeezes both your thighs, though he sounds just as breathless as he looks beneath you. His eyes are fluttering with each movement, chest rising as he tries to maintain his last ounce of self control. 

He's been patient, allowing you to grind yourself on him, but he wants nothing more than to grab your hips and impale you on his cock, stretching you out so good that you can't think. 

You're both gasping quietly against each other and it's only until you hear the door open that you're both scrambling for the sheets to cover yourselves.

“So, this is where you two went.” Seonghwa’s firm voice fills your ears, making your entire body freeze up as you come to a halt. 

You've never heard him more angry and you're nervous to face him but you find yourself slowly twisting your head over your shoulder as you're met with his enraged glare.

Yunho stiffens beneath you and opens his mouth to speak but the other man holds up his palm to signal his silence. Your boyfriend closes the door behind him, not uttering a word as he takes a seat on the recliner that's situated in the corner. 

The tension is thick but you can’t help the bewilderment showing on your expression as you watch him settle into the leather, spreading his legs wide while he dips his hand into his pants.

“Don’t stop on my account. Carry on.” There is a dangerous hint behind his tone and you can feel his anger radiating off him in waves but the thought of him watching as Yunho fucks you makes you even more turned on.

You’re unsure of what's going on anymore at this point, but even in your confusion you know you don't want to disobey Seonghwa. The guilt that you had been ignoring all night hits you tenfold, sitting present in your consciousness. Despite this, your arousal is obvious as your pussy grows messier, drooling on the cock beneath you. It's apparent to him as he twitches against your sex and he catches on quickly, though initially he seems just as shocked as you by Seonghwa’s admission. 

It doesn't take a second longer for Yunho to recognize the look behind Seonghwa’s eyes and he has a twisted smirk pulling at his lips in realization. Before you can protest, he suddenly takes ahold of your hips and lifts you with ease before he's sliding you down the entirety of his length. Your walls drag past his cock, swallowing him whole as he fills you to the hilt.

The noise of surprise that escapes you rings high when you feel him stretching you apart. He’s much bigger than Seonghwa and you don't think you've ever felt so full in your life. If you weren't already so wet, you knew the stretch would sting much more than it did. You're so clouded with pleasure that the pain is barely present. 

“You like watching your girl get fucked by someone else, Hwa?” He taunts your boyfriend, snide in his tone as he ruts himself up into you. You whine loudly. 

The man in question only responds with a grunt, his eyes trained on the view of your pussy swallowing his huge cock. Seonghwa squeezes himself harder and begins to pump into his hand, gritting his teeth. 

“You're both so fucking nasty. You love this, don’t you?” Even as Yunho sneers, he doesn’t stop rocking his hips. 

“Look how well she takes me, Hwa. You like seeing her little cunt stretched out by another man’s dick?” This time Seonghwa moans in response. His jeans have been kicked aside and he's left in his shirt, jerking himself in his palm as he watches you both through his hazy eyes.

With your head overlooking your shoulder, you still don't entirely know what's happening, but the sight of your boyfriend fucking his hand makes you overwhelmed with the need to press on. Knowing you're both getting off as he watches you get plowed has your stomach churning with some sick sense of pleasure.  

Suddenly you feel Yunho’s hand cupping your chin, forcing your eyes away from Seonghwa. As you both stare at each other, you’re readily bouncing yourself on his lap, sinking deeper onto his cock with your every movement. You’re greedy to have him inside you, enjoying how each thrust has him filling your pussy so well. 

There’s a sound of clattering from the other side of the room and you want to turn your head, but the hand gripping your chin is firm. Seeing his eyes flicker behind you makes your curiosity grow, but when you feel a hot breath against the back of your neck you now know that Seonghwa has joined you on the bed. 

His presence has the man beneath you waning his pace, his hips working in a slow and sensual grind. As he hovers behind you his nose runs along your nape where his lips latch down on your skin. His teeth drag against your shoulder and you're whining quietly when he bites down particularly hard.

“Did you miss me so bad that you had to cheat me on with my own teammate?” Seonghwa is speaking against your skin, but he doesn't stop nipping at you, sucking harshly until you begin to bruise beneath his lips. You don't know how to respond, your body trembling as he continues to press at you. 

“You think you can just fuck Yunho and get away with it?” Shaking your head, you let out a meek ‘no’ as his fingers tangle within your hair.

“Get up.” Seonghwa has never spoken to you with a tone like this before. It fills you with apprehension but your body is still thrumming with arousal and you're quick to follow his instructions, whimpering when you slide off of Yunho’s lap. 

Yunho wishes to pull you back onto him but he hesitates, deciding he wants to watch how the scene unfolds. Even then, his cock continues to throbs as he takes note of how an intensity is overtaking the normally sweet and kind Seonghwa. 

Your boyfriend leads you by your hair, ignoring you as you whimper out in a pained protest. You’re forced onto your hands and knees, your head hovering between the apex of his legs as he presses his hard cock against your mouth.

“You're going to let me use your mouth like the disgusting whore that you are, got it?” You feel yourself clenching at his words, nodding as your tongue darts out to taste the head to his dick. It's been so long since you've had him, you're desperate for his cock. He scoffs at your eagerness.

Seonghwa grasps his length, smearing his precum against your mouth as he uses his free hand to motion the other man forward. Yunho is no sooner scrambling toward you both, pupils blown wide with anticipation as he awaits further instruction. 

“Go ahead.” 

His words are all that Yunho needs to hear. Holding your hips once again he grabs you from behind and he begins to sheath his cock back within the slick warmth of your hole, relishing in how tightly your walls surround him. You both moan loudly. At the same time Seonghwa slides himself past your lips, the hand within your locks tightening their hold when he eases himself into your throat. 

Your eyes flit up to watch him as his lips are pulled back in a displeased scowl. You've never seen him so upset and it makes you remorseful knowing you're the cause of his distress but at the same time he’s never looked so sexy glaring down at you. 

He catches your stare but continues to frown even as his cock twitches in your mouth. His fingers fist at your tresses, guiding you further down his shaft until your nose is flush to his pelvic bone. 

You're breathing heavily through your nostrils as you continue to look at each other, your eyes watering with tears. He doesn't move, but instead allows Yunho to bury into you. The snap of his hips against your backside causes your body to jerk forward, forcing Seonghwa’s tip to hit the back of your throat. He’s groaning when you gag against him, the action clearly catching you in surprise. 

“Such a needy slut. Just one dick wasn't enough for you, huh?” You whine against him, drooling over his length as Yunho sets the tempo for how fast your head is bobbing along his cock. He’s pounding into you harder, enjoying the sight of you struggling to suck the other off while he's working open your tight pussy. 

“You should lighten up, Hwa,” he says between thrusts as he reaches out with one arm to grab the older man.

“Are you serious? What the hell does that mean?” Seonghwa’s fingers slacken as he peers over at the goalie, his dick pulsing in your mouth while he’s watching you get fucked.

You're thankful for the moment of reprise but your eyes go wide as you watch Yunho hover above you, grabbing Seonghwa by his hair and pulling him in for a kiss. 

You gurgle on Seonghwa’s cock at the sight, your pussy clenching down tightly as the two begin to make out before you. To say your boyfriend is shocked is an understatement, but he’s quick to indulge in the kiss, clearly as aroused as you are.

Yunho has some type of unexplainable charm to him. Whatever he's doing, it clearly affects Seonghwa just as much as it does you. 

Their mouths are locked together, wet kisses amidst their tongues intertwining as you feel Yunho begin to rock his hips again. The movement has all three of you moaning and encourages you to begin sucking harder on the cock inside your mouth. 

There is saliva coating your lips as you're bobbing your head down the length of Seonghwa’s erection, more drool dripping down your chin while you're sloppily getting your face fucked. 

When Yunho breaks the kiss there is a line of spit stretching between them as they're both panting heavily, trying to regain their breaths. The taller of the two ushers the hand away from your locks, taking a hold of your hair before he’s tugging your head back as he withdraws slowly, pulling himself completely out of you. 

Seonghwa’s dick pops out from your mouth when you’re yanked back and he’s left staring at your desperate form below him, your body wiggling with need at the loss of Yunho. 

“Take this as a lesson, Hwa. You’re in a win-win situation, no?” Even as Yunho says this, the other’s expression twists between a flurry of emotions. The confusion is written all over his face, but something seems to click in his brain as he watches Yunho slam into your squelching hole with a single powerful motion. 

Seonghwa feels humiliated as he watches his lover enjoy another man’s cock so readily yet his own arousal throbs with need when Yunho continues to coax him. He can’t help the hand that slips between his thighs, palming his aching length again as the goalie continues to ravage your body before him. 

When Yunho’s fingers tangle within your tresses he cannot deny how much he’s enjoying the way your back arches as he begins to pound himself into you relentlessly, his pace steady and calculated. Despite the sting of your scalp and how the position aches on your back, your cries are immediately filling the room, loud and pitchy. 

“You see, Seonghwa. This,” he grunts and thrusts heavily as he’s plowing into your cunt, enjoying how you clench around him so greedily, “— is how you should be fucking her.” 

Your boyfriend is fisting his cock harder, biting his lower lip as he stares down at you. You’re barely meeting his gaze, tears lining your eyes as you whimper and moan. Each movement of the man behind you has you lurching forward, your torso threatening to sink forward if not for the constraint on your hair. 

Looking to Seonghwa seems impossible as your eyes roll back into your head, so consumed with pleasure that you can hardly think properly. The guilt that previously haunted you is already dissipating with every sinful plunge of Yunho’s hips. 

“Does Seonghwa fuck you like this, princess?” He jerks at your hair again, a guttural noise spilling from him when he feels how you constrict around his girth. 

“Answer me, naughty girl. Does his cock feel as good as mine?” He stills his movements and his eyes are lighting with amusement as he watches you twist in place, writhing around for his cock. 

“No, damn it! Fuck me, p-please, Yunho!” You practically shout, overcome with need as you’re whining and clutching at the bedsheets, rutting back against his pelvis. He’s ecstatic to hear your begging and he resumes his pace, watching as you immediately fall into a state of euphoria and begin garbling a string of unintelligible noises. 

“Such a cock hungry girl. Don’t you enjoy seeing her like this?” 

“Y…Yeah,” The older of the two manages to sputter out his reply between his breathy groans, his eyes glazing over. He’s clutching the entirety of his dick, tip leaking at the display of your ruined and blissful state before him. 

“How about I give you a taste?” 

“Huh?” Seonghwa’s brain short circuits at the suggestion and he glimpses up to meet Yunho’s darkening stare. The look the taller man gives him has him swallowing thickly, his eyes flickering down to watch as he slides his cock out of your fluttering hole. 

“A taste,” the goalie repeats as he holds his length up, the dim lighting reflecting the trail of your juices that glisten along his shaft. Seonghwa hesitates at first but finds himself nodding. 

You want to complain when Yunho withdraws from you again, but you have no time to as he's hoisting you up right into a kneeling position. The fogginess of the pleasure begins to clear from your mind though you can still feel yourself clenching around nothing as the heat within you simmers to a pulse between your legs.

Like you, Seonghwa is eagerly anticipating Yunho's next actions, unsure of what to expect. He’s thrilled at the prospect of having his turn with the larger man, his body alight in flames. The anger has seemingly diminished from him, only a hot wave of lust coursing through his veins.

The effects of the alcohol is still present in his body, but he knows he's not delirious when he realizes just how delighted he seems at the idea of tasting Yunho’s big cock. He doesn't know if he can blame you anymore when he seems just as excited to submit to the other.

Yunho is maneuvering off the mattress, walking around to the front until he's facing you both. He motions for you to scoot back and you do so obediently, eyes wide as you await for what's to come. 

“Turn around, Seonghwa.” As swift as he can, he practically gets tangled in the bed sheets when he turns his back to the goalie. The action has him locking eyes with you, face burning up when he suddenly begins to feel shy about the notion of you witnessing his submissiveness. 

“Good boy. Now lay back for me.” Seonghwa shivers at the compliment, his cock twitching against his thigh as he falls back on the bed, his head hanging off the edge. It's in this position that he realizes what's about to happen, though he’s not sure if he's prepared. It didn’t make him any less excited though.

“Think you can take my cock?” Simultaneously the blood rushes to his head and his erection at the question. He nods eagerly and wets his lips, mouth dropping open. He’s never done something like this before yet he’s too thrilled to pass up the opportunity. 

Yunho steps forward and presses the tip of his cock against the man’s lips, humming appreciatively as his tongue darts out to circle around the tip. 

“Your boyfriend is so hungry for my dick. Doesn’t he look cute? So needy.” You squeeze your thighs together and moan, the sight of the two men shooting straight to your core in a rush of wetness. 

“So pretty, Hwa…” You join in the praises as Yunho tenderly strokes along your lover's jaw, thumb grazing his lower lip before he’s sliding the first few inches of his length into Seonghwa's mouth. 

The praise shoots straight to Seonghwa’s loins, his dick pulsing with arousal as he’s taking the cock further down his throat. He’s compliant and docile as Yunho eases deeper, his eyes trained on the sight of his dick bulging from the other’s throat. 

“So good,” Yunho groans quietly and clasps his palm around your lover’s neck, wanting to feel his own outline stretching his throat.  Your mouth waters at the sight, not wanting to be left out while you’re watching Yunho slowly fuck himself into your boyfriend’s mouth. The scene before you has you dripping with desire. 

“C-Can I?” A single nod from Yunho is all you need and you’re no sooner clambering toward Seonghwa. In his position the man doesn’t notice your movement as he’s so focused trying to hollow his cheeks around Yunho’s cock. 

When he feels the familiar weight of your body settling on top of him, he starts to gag when you suddenly sink down on his erection, clearly catching him off guard. Yunho’s length slips from his mouth in the process and he’s sputtering quietly, trying to regain his bearings. 

You’re straddling your boyfriend and dropping onto his lap, his cock getting swallowed by the warmth of your hungry walls. Seeing how he jerks up beneath you it spurs you to bounce harder on his dick, letting him stuff you full.

“Missed your cock, Hwa…” He moans at your words and flutters his eyes, his jaw slack as he feels Yunho sliding himself back into his mouth. Seonghwa is so overcome with pleasure, his body blazing with lust that he can barely process what’s happening to him. He’s never felt bliss like this before — having his lover fuck herself onto him as his mouth is being used. 

Seonghwa looks so fucked out as he’s splayed across the mattress, his hair messy and his body sheen with his sweat while you’re both stimulating him. Yunho welcomes the display wholeheartedly, grinding himself into the other’s face, groaning as saliva and drool coats his cock. 

“Such a good boy, aren’t you, Hwa? You like when I fuck your mouth? You miss her pussy around your cock?” A garbled noise comes from the man, his throat tightening as his hips buck up in response. You feel his cock pulsing within you with each sinful word that leaves Yunho’s mouth. You know he’s close but you’ve yet to scratch the surface of your orgasm as you begin to rock yourself faster on his lap.

Quickening your pace you slip your fingers between your thighs and begin to rub your clit as you’re bouncing yourself on Seonghwa’s cock, each movement dragging him back within your sopping core. The man beneath you is trying to meet your thrusts, his hands falling over your thighs and gripping tight as he begins chasing his climax. 

Seonghwa’s eyes are screwed shut, breathing heavily through his nose and he’s letting out choked and muffled noises of pleasure. The need to cum is urgent and the feeling of your walls squeezing around his length has him realizing just how much he misses your tight little pussy.

He no longer focuses on sucking Yunho’s cock, simply allowing the other to abuse his throat as he fucks himself into your cunt. The drool that dribbles down his face is evidence of Yunho’s own pace growing sloppy, his release not far behind. 

“Come for me, baby,” you gasp to him, your back arching as you feel the heat of your orgasm stirring in your belly. You’re leaning forward against his torso, your chest flush to his as you’re lifting your ass and slamming it back onto his lap repeatedly. The sound of your skin slapping resonates throughout the room, pace increasing with a hurried need as you’re moaning into his neck. 

Feeling a similar air of impatience, Yunho holds Seonghwa by his hair and pulls himself back before he’s thrusting forward powerfully. The single motion of Yunho’s cock hitting the back of his throat causes the male to gurgle in discomfort but the goalie doesn’t pull away and he groans deeply, his cock spasming in the other’s mouth until he’s spurting his thick and milky seeds down Seonghwa’s throat. 

At the same time, your lover feels how your hole clenches and gushes around his cock. The needy pace you’re rocking against him has his length throbbing within you. Your actions combined with the lack of air in his lungs and the impact of Yunho’s thrusts into his mouth has his vision going spotty. His thighs shake and he’s seeing white as he orgasms hard and abruptly, his load filling your cunt with rope after rope of his hot release.

As he’s climaxing, he’s struggling to swallow the cum in his mouth, most of it spilling out past his lips and dripping down his nose and down his cheeks. When Yunho finally pulls away, Seonghwa is coughing and sputtering as he tries to regain his breath. The high of his orgasm is still clouding his mind even as he’s left a panting mess. 

On top of him, you’re still desperately trying to chase your own crescendo as you work yourself feverishly on his lap. Your fingers are slick and slippery with your arousal, gliding over your clit over and over as your cunt begins to convulse around Seonghwa’s cock.

You’re both still moaning and you’re riding out his orgasm, your own looming closely. Yunho is stroking Seonghwa’s cheek, moving away the strands of hair that stick to his sweat laden face. He has already recovered from his own climax and leans down to purr encouragingly into Seonghwa’s ear. 

“Such a good boy. Make our princess cum, hm?” 

Seonghwa keens at the other’s words and snaps his hips upward, driving himself into you with the last semblance of his strength. Your eyes are blearily focusing below you, taking in the view of your sweaty and fucked out boyfriend who’s so determined to make you come. 

Similarly the sight of Yunho hovering before your lover with his cum painted on Seonghwa’s face has you shaking with arousal, your thighs quivering when you feel yourself coming undone on your boyfriend’s cock. With a final slide of your digits past your swollen nub, you peak into your orgasm, his slowed thrusts combined with your sloppy movements sending you over the edge. 

Your hole squeezes around his cock and your juices mix in with his release as you finally climax. He can barely take the overstimulation as you clench around him a final time, your bodies coming to a still. Even after you’re past your high, he can still feel the after effects that are evident from your fluttering walls.

Once you’re finished, you tiredly slump against his torso, your skin sticking together from the perspiration that covers both your bodies. You’re too worn out to move, simply resting against your lover’s chest as you both breathe quietly. The fatigue overtakes you before you know it and your eyes are falling shut before you can stop yourself.

You don’t know how much time passes before you awake but someone has helped you clean up and you now lay cozily beneath Yunho’s blankets. Between a series of blinking and yawning, you groggily note that Seonghwa lays beside you peacefully, his eyes widening with joy as he’s watching you come to. 

“Hey, sleepy girl.” 

There’s a pregnant pause and you try to recollect your thoughts, trying to recall all that has happened up to this moment. Dread and realization falls over you immediately and you’re shooting up, blanket slipping off you. With your back straight, you hastily try to get up from the bed as a feeling of panic floods you.

You fucked up, you fucked up. You royally fucked up! 

“Woah, woah. Slow down, babe.” Your boyfriend coos softly and tries to work you down, pushing you back against the mattress and rubbing your shoulders in slow and soothing motions. 

“How are you being so calm? I literally just cheated on you!” 

Seonghwa scratches the back of his head nervously and looks away for a moment before he grasps both of your hands, squeezing them in his palms.

“Listen, uh… I gave it some thought and I think Yunho is right.” Your jaw drops.

“Huh?”

As if on cue Yunho steps into the bedroom, one towel around his waist while he’s drying his hair with another. He blinks in surprise at you both but smiles nonetheless, taking a seat at the edge of the bed.

“Oh good! You’re awake, princess.” 

“What the hell is going on?” You look between the pair in confusion.

“Long story short, I know I’ve been a bad boyfriend but I think Yunho can help us work through some of that. I mean… if you’re down, of course.”

“I-I… I mean. What? Are you sure? Yeah, I-I think I am down.” They chuckle at your rambling.

Despite all that has happened, you never expected this type of proposal from Seonghwa. You honestly thought you would wake up to the shit show of him dumping you after you all sobered up. 

Yunho somehow worked his magic on the both of you and to your benefit as well. Even with your circumstances, you can’t deny the idea of it all excites you. You just knew that Mingi would have a field day after he found out.

“I’m still mad at you though. You could have just talked to me,” he tuts at you, shaking his head slightly. 

“I tried, Hwa! You were always too busy!”

“You’re right and I’m sorry. That was definitely my bad but it’s alright, babe. I’ll make sure we make it up to each other. Plus we have Yunho now.” A tremble of excitement runs down your spine at the mention of your new partner. 

Seonghwa has an adoring look in his eyes, though there is a dangerous intent behind his smile as he reaches up to gently stroke your cheek.

“I know you won’t betray me again though. We’ll make sure of it.”

His words have you nervous and aroused, rubbing your thighs together as you feel a heat pooling in your lower belly.

Beside you Yunho sports his own wolfish grin when he meets your stare, placing his hand over your thigh and rubbing circles close to your sex.  “Hwa is kind of scary when he’s mad, huh? Don’t worry though, princess. When he’s begging for my cock, you can help me make sure he’s the one being a good boy.”

[castlebyersafterdark]

just seen some people say they didnt vibe with max's running up that hill scene and i think that reactions and people reacting quickly about media for socials is part of the cause of this new thing where people have so many divisive opinions. when i watch something new i am eyes and ears at full alert, taking in everything as it goes rather than trying to figure the plot out ahead of time, and i realised i would make a shit reactor because it's all happening internally. i dont want to express anything aloud as i watch because you would miss something; dialogue, music, emotional beats? even if stories aren't meant to be consumed in dead silence, i'm amazed at how quickly people form coherent opinions about characters a split second after they've done something instead of just seeing how everything plays out. i'm thinking about lucas 'betraying' the party in s4, people thinking he was genuinely hunting eddie instead of just seeing where his story went. in terms of byler, even now with the story unfinished i am so unable to conjecture real 'proof' or evidences of byler wholly because its open ended! i wont judge anyone until the story is complete.

i'm just amazed by these reactors because theyre usually just GA/nerds, and its fascinating to see them respond and react so quickly and so judgementally, i wonder if it's partially for views now instead of an honest reaction theyre sharing online.

Reaction videos are not something I watch, unless a very funny clip gets shared, I guess because I'm maybe feeling some of the same things you are - they don't feel sincere a lot of the time? I don't think there's anything wrong with all of them. I know a lot of people like watching them especially after they finish a show so they can go back and see what others are taking away which could be interesting. It depends on the reactor. So I can understand the appeal to an extent, but I don't personally like a lot of that format because like you said, the initial over the top gut reaction isn't that useful to me? I'm also mentally absorbing a show if I watch. I'll gasp or maybe cry a little at a scene, laugh, but mostly I'm just watching. The reactor videos are a performance, but then these folks use that performance to inform their opinion. It's a little too off the cuff for my personal taste.

I think for me, I just can't imagine ever filming myself watching something to showcase my emotions, especially if it's something I really care about? So I don't trust reactors as true fans. Because it's just not so authentic. You're aware of the content you're trying to capture. You overly emote, you pay more attention to the fact that you're recording. It's never completely a natural opinion or reaction. I'm not so much into livetweeting/liveblogging, either, so that's probably a factor. Sounds pretentious, but if I care about a movie or show, the first time I watch it I need to be present.

I know when season five drops, I'm turning off my phone from the moment it's available on netflix until I've finished watching what's out myself. That's my plan. Divisive is the key word. Social media moves fast and everyone wants to be the first to post something or see something or point something out. I'll be ok being a day late to things!!

It's why the main Byler fandom on tumblr isn't appealing to me anymore, because one thing I kept seeing is people getting pissy about folks 'pointing out stuff that's been talked about already too many times' or 'I already thought of this theory first and this user is copying me now' as if everyone watched and thinks at the same pace? As if people innately know every post that's ever been made on tumblr or added under the tag? Calm down. Yeah, if it's a rage bait opinion, or blatant plagiarism, but that's not what I'm talking about.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[halfusek]

Since the new Chris Portal documentary showed the true and nasty side of KB/Mike and TheMeatly, are you still gonna Say "we don't know the full story"?. We as a fanbase were treated as shitty as the employees they fired and abused, they don't deserve respect anymore.

uh i dont know where you've been but that video hasn't uncovered much new to me aside from some details from the two interviews near the end of the vid but like all of that stuff has already been known, it is just the first instance of someone compiling it into a coherent video (like the stupid games for kids said by mike we already knew in 2019 which i would not exactly say is the same as experiencing work abuse lol)

and idk why you're being so hostile at me, i've never been one to defend mike nor meatly but tried to find and share as much of the information as i could find about their wrongdoings, like dude i was fucking there pointing out that a lot of employees dont have "kindlybeast employee" in their twitter bios which then got screenshot and that post went on reddit where actual ex employees started sharing stuff (which freaked me out cuz i didnt want to have my "face" on the post dedicated to that) so like maybe turn that down a little

i feel like there's a lot of people new to some things unraveling in this controversy but as for me i've already made up my mind what i think of it, so i'm not so up in arms to scream about things that we already screamed about 2-3 years ago and that might make people think that i don't care or wanna brush it off which is not true

kindly beast / joey drew studios inc / mike and meatly deserve all the criticism aimed towards them, and on the day it was known about the lawsuit i laughed that karma finally got to them because i had thoughts "for all the shit they did to people, they deserve to fail and lose everything, to start over"

but i also think this is an opportunity for them to improve, learn and do better, sooooo i'm just kind of waiting for the next thing to happen i guess

in case they don't improve, welp, they can honestly fuck off

death of the author, whatever, it is anyone's personal call if they wanna keep on supporting some creators or not, and well as for me i think there's so much more and worse stuff that we (we as... gaming community... fandoms...?) tolerate that this seems just... small in comparison. i'm NOT saying it's not a big deal, it has me wishing lowkey that i just wasn't into batim lmao so i could just go. like for example i'm much more disgusted at sc/ott caw/thons wrongdoings cause they actually influence politics so i'm actively trying to keep myself away from engaging with fnaf or that one pirate gay show that i was like holy shit a cool gay couple but then read some yikes things about a character being based on actual real life guy who was a slave owner and that just had me nope out. i guess what i'm saying is i try not to support problematic things but if i were to suport only those purely unproblematic thatd kinda leave me with nothing idk society capitalism something something so you know i just try to weigh if something is actively harmful to people or if there is something that happened that i absolutely cannot forgive and based on that i get into something or not

does that make me a hypocrite? maybe but if i focus on boycotting what matters in the grand scheme of things and indulge a little in indie game fandom that's rapidly losing popularity i think i can personally live with that

sorry for going off about this, truth be told there's a lot of things happening in the world right now that put me in a very doomer mode lmao i mean we all see whats happening, shits pretty fucked and it was hard for me to even spare some focus on this, its really not good to get so desensitized so i also apologize for the harsh tone but yeah

anyways, i agree that we should make them feel like they need to apologize and do better, meatly still havent said a word publicly about anything that has happened and that fucking sucks

i still do not like harassing them over releasing batdr, thats part of crunch culture and all that jazz and i think we shouldnt lower the standards for that for anyone because [insert that image of you doing something bad to someone you dislike but it deflecting into someone you like]

but we should keep them on their toes and not let them think that we will just forget and let them get away with it because wow they've been massive assholes

[isa-ghost]

yk what i was gonna remain anonymous in the tags bc i dont have the competency for this discussion as someone who doesn't read this stuff & generally hates it actually. but tumblrs editor crashed and i lost all my tags explaining my thoughts & there was a lot of them, so now im gonna say it outside the tags with my whole chest bc im pissed off. hopefully i can recall everything i was talking about. expect coherency to be even worse than it already was in the tags and i might lack even more nuance than i already did maybe i guess idk, but bear with me here.

also disclaimer in advance, i'm gonna be saying minors here but i am fully aware the perpetrators of this phenomenon are not Only minors and vice versa. you'll see what i mean

anyway this post is super fascinating to me bc i never thought of torture/gore/whump/etc as non-sexual kink. i never even thought of "kink" as something non-sexual at all. to me these darker angsty topics just are what they are and you just tag it correctly to avoid triggering/squicking people out. its just angst to me, nothing telling about a person (bc kinks can be very telling about a person)

and on another note i usually hate romantic or sexual shipping in mcyt/mcrp bc the line is so blurred between real ppl and their cubitos most times and i loathe real ppl shipping (we'll come back to this point in a sec) (Phil's harem has been a recent exception for me and i think following blogs like Medusa lately is slowly detoxing me from whatever koolaid i've been drinking maybe, idk)

but this post made me realize a lot of the reason for all the disc horse around this brand of stuff in a fandom is bc of the rampant purity culture. and overexposure to that culture taints people like me who just want to respect ccs and their boundaries (and would personally crave toaster bath if this brand of stuff of me existed whatsoever), so their warped way of thinking has been framed to people like me in a way that boils down to "this shouldn't be a thing bc its disrespectful and you wouldn't want someone to do this to YOU"

but to them it's more than that, and i'll unpack that here:

i think a large part of why purity culture is so rampant is bc this fandom is (seemingly) dominated by minors (at least on tiktok and twitter?). and these minors (esp the tiktok kids) have grown up in a capitalistic online society in which everything is heavily censored for the sake of being ad-friendly, so all mature content has been framed to them as evil and immoral or whatever (bc obv they aren't gonna get taught that it's only "immoral" bc it's not savory for making money, that's an awareness they have to obtain themselves). so in their minds 18+ (read: mature) people are evil and immoral by default. it's, at least partially, where the whole "if you hit 19 you're ancient, and if you talk to a minor when you're 18+ you're a predator by default" bullshit comes from.

and to them, these "evil immoral" 18+ people are the *only* ones making all the ship stuff or w/e with the malicious intention of sexualizing ccs and making them uncomfortable on purpose

WHICH comes from the fact that these minors are so parasocial and don't even realize it. they think ccs deserve or NEED to be in the same spaces as their fans. no!!! ccs should NOT be in your group chats or dms!!! especially not consistently!!!!! but bc they think they should/deserve/need to be in those spaces, those spaces need to be squeaky clean and obey a ccs every boundary to a T. and anyone who doesn't do that is an evil little purposefully nasty monster

and like i said, i HATE real people shipping. if i was a cc i would be extremely uncomfortable if stuff like this existed of me, whether or not i ever saw the content myself. i would not want it to exist PERIOD. however, i begrudgingly acknowledge you can't control hundreds of thousands of people online globally for all eternity (bc even if you stopped being a cc and fell off the face of the Earth the content would continue even if in smaller amounts). so the only way to keep a cc comfortable is to keep the stuff that will make them uncomfortable far away from them and never remind them that that stuff exists (aka: keeping them out of fandom spaces).

and i'm not gonna get into it in detail but bc minors don't realize this separation is necessary & healthy, they often run all fandom stuff past ccs (often on stream via tts,,,) as if they're asking permission, or reporting business to a boss or some shit, which shoves all the uncomfortable stuff right in ccs faces, making them uncomfortable, which is exactly what they're arguing needs to NOT happen. fans should not be asking ccs how they want their fandoms conducting themselves, there are a handful of unspoken rules (ie: no bigotry, no doxxing, etc which... not gonna poke any bears here but. yknow) but otherwise there should not be any heavy policing in fandom spaces at all from anyone. period. fandoms should exist with the least amount of awareness of the cc possible. the cc should see the surface level fanart & stuff, and the rest, like the stuff being talked about in this post, should be nowhere near their radar, and generally speaking, the people who make the stuff that shouldn't be anywhere near a ccs radar a) are very careful about tagging effectively to avoid such, and b) would probably crave toaster bath if that stuff DID end up on the ccs radar bc it's meant for other fans, not the cc. which is another issue with purity culture koolaid drinkers shoving stuff in ccs faces for permission. they're not only making the cc uncomfortable by enlightening/reminding them this stuff of them exists, they're making the creators of the stuff who just want to be in their mature fandom corner doin their thing uncomfortable too.

and these minors just. don't think about any of this or believe in it. so this whole confuckled clashing of ways of thinking happens and perpetuates. and to me both sides have a point, but the minors obv are a) lacking tons of nuance and self awareness and b) going about it for the wrong reasons. it's not only, and in most cases not even primarily, about the comfort of ccs, but about eradicating the "evil impure" mature content.

"creative freedom in fandom is essential and you can't control what infinite numbers of people create" and "you shouldn't do things that make ccs uncomfortable, etc etc" are statements that can and should coexist. like how above i acknowledged i dislike the stuff (rpf mostly but cubito based too sometimes) and wouldn't want stuff like that of me to exist, but also acknowledged you just. can't control it and it's unhealthy to try. it all boils down to classic "don't like don't look" type rules, tbh.

hi saw your daddy kink post discussing the phenomenon of giving grown characters surrogate parental relationships, and I understand where you’re coming from, but i really feel like it’s just a matter of the circles you run in, and the assumptions that you might make because of that. you mention how platonic reads of these dynamics are more uncommon than kinky reads, which i just don’t think is the case, and I think that arguing that people don’t even realize that they’re writing a kink is a little bit bizarre, and sort of assumes that you know more abt them than they do by projecting your own experiences onto them.

it isn’t inherently sexual to crave protection or a parental relationship that you may have missed out on, and it is certainly not universal. in my own family, my “grandpa” isnt my biological grandfather (nor do I really consider him to be my grandfather), but he’s my mother’s surrogate father and has been since she was in her twenties. an adult. he sees her as a daughter. she sees him as a father. there’s absolutely nothing kinky about it. and anybody who automatically assumes that must have their mind deep, deep in the gutter and/or the stranger side of the Internet. really, i find it a bit of a strange argument to randomly post in the first place—as if it’s a problem that so many people enjoy non romantic and non sexual relationships, and that these people must, in fact, have a daddy kink that they are unaware of.

that said, i do absolutely agree that fans bringing any part of that into phil’s chat is weird and they should Not do that, and that infantilizing characters is also very weird, and personally i dont even see him as being father figure to anybody on that island except his eggs, wilbur, and MAYBE an argument could be made for tubbo (which other cc’s on the island have joked about), but to each their own and all that.

sorry this is so long. TLDR, i get where ur coming from in terms of “warning , some people might read your stuff differently than you want here” but really not everything is a kink and paternal dynamics can easily happen in regards to adult characters, particularly young adults, without there being any inappropriate connotations. i know nothing i said will change your mind, obviously it’s set, but ykno diff perspectives and all that. hope ur doing well

Thank you for the ask! I see you were on mobile, I believe. :D I am also going to push the character limit with this response, I fear.

I agree that it isn't inhernetly sexual to go after a parental relationship that you missed out on, and there are many such cases. I'll even go so far as to say that it's not inherently kinky to go after a parental relationship that you missed out on, because there is such a thing as non-sexual kink, and heaven knows that MCYT writing is full of non-sexual kink. Lots and lots of stuff that is platonic that is kinking on fear, or being drugged, or kidnapping, or hypnosis, or familial relationships, etc— there's lots of people who aren't doing that. There are tons of people out in the real world (and in fiction), who are simply just expanding their family as an adult, and that's awesome. When I was in college there was this older couple who kind of adopted me and invited me over for thursday dinner, and they were awesome. There was nothing untoward going on there.

But look. I am an emduo fan who likes to see my guys be murdery, and because of that, I've ended up reading a bunch of Dark SBI. I've ocassionally gone "this cannot be what everyone is doing" and I've read stuff tagged as "family fluff" that I find recommended. I am aware of where the genre is going, particularly with the rise of "dadbur" and "dadnoblade" interpretations.

And look, you have just got to trust me on this one. People are writing stuff that in any other fandom I would be recommending they put kink tags on the work so that people who liked that trope could find it and people who didn't like it would avoid it, but that comment in DSMP would just lead to people getting doxxed, so I just grit my teeth and go "i guess that's baked into Dark SBI or Tooth Rotting Fluff now, I sure hope that doesn't hit anybody's triggers".

Like I PROMISE you. The first draft of this response included excerpts of fics that I've read and I was like "can YOU pick the ship fic from the /p fics here"? But I have a horror of ever leading to someone getting cancelled on twitter, so nothing that could possibly be identifiable of these writers. But like—

Some of the ways that Tommy gets treated in the narrative are almost indistinguishable from a bodice-ripper romance. Some of the tropes being used— within DSMP we've all clasped hands and agreed to interpret it being platonic, but in any other fandom, you are going to start getting comments that you might not want to get. The tag is FULL of stuff that is DD/LB in everything but name. Maybe my mind is in the gutter here, but if you move out of this fandom, you are going to move into circles where a lot of people's minds are in the gutter, and you are going to get a very different response from your comments!

And I was talking about daddy kink here specifically, because I see that one come up a lot and it's gotten egregious lately, but this also applies to dehumanization, and fearplay, and predator/prey, and "instincts" (in every other fandom that's gonna get people in a mashup of A/B/O, Hypnosis, and sometimes Agere responding to it), and kidnapping/drugging, AND the way a bunch of "piglin instincts" stuff is just a BDSM au now where the Brute (dom) needs to be callmed down by their Runt (sub). The SBI tag is super kinky right now. And I don't have a problem with that idealogically, write your truth, but a) please don't bring that up in front of the streamers, b) if you move to another fandom you have got to be prepared that not everyone is doing their kink platonically.

Like I'm assuming that people don't know what tropes they're playing into, they're just building them from first principles, because the other alternative is that they are deliberately and knowingly writing kink and posting it in the & relationship tag with insufficient trigger tags, and I prefer to believe that people don't know.

I'm glad we agree about people bringing that into Phi's chat, or Pol's, or Luzu, or any of the other streamers that people have decided is So Old. A lot of people aren't comfortable even being assigned dad, as we saw with Felps, so bringing it even further is just— uh oh, no.

I do not have a problem with people liking non-romantic and non-sexual relationships. I find it a bit odd that much of the fandom can't concieve of a non-romantic and non-sexual relationship without making it familial and specifically lately father-son— don't you have close friends?— but I am fully in support of gen writing. I primarily write gen! I'm an avid commentor on gen fics!

But some of the tropes at play in the fandom are kinky, there is no way to avoid that. The fact that they are set in a familial relationship doesn't negate that. Some of the ways that the DSMP characters get treated would be distinctly non-familial if you ever brought it out of that context. And I am just warning people, if you bring it out of that context, be prepared for the response you get.

You cannot take DSMP tropes and apply them one-to-one in other fandoms, with other streamers swapped in, and expect them to be read the same way. Like i'm sorry, but that's just true. If you are posting the same sort of stuff that for Cellbit & Phil that you would post for Tommy & Phil, people will assume that you have a daddy kink, because usually when a relationship between a adults that are actually similar in age is refered to with paternal language it's a kink thing. That is how the broader internet works. (And anon, if I had a daddy kink, would I be complaining about the fact that I can open any SBI fic and have about a 40% chance of hitting it and I'm seeing signs of this appearing in QSMP? I assure you I'm not "projecting [my] own experiences onto them" here.)

[ablednt]

im not disagreeing with ur gifted kid post, but the way some of ur stuff is phrased can come off in ways u might not have intended. boiling those sorts of unrealistic expectations of very young kids down to "being complimented too much" ignores that a lot of these kids were unfairly placed in these programs and forced to complete them regardless of how much they struggled with it (and that these kids were in prime environments for developing npd due to overinflated ego from a young age). many gifted kids were given extremely unreasonable expectations and only barely managed to meet them in order to avoid facing punishment for failing. im not saying there ARENT gifted kids who dont treat it like "oh i was so special and now im not boohoo :( i need special treatment for it" but i feel like theres some aspects thats have been unintentionally misunderstood (/nm /nonagg!!! ^^ just wanted to bring this up as more of a discussion than an argument, hope ive made sense!)

No I definitely agree but my point is that I've never seen a genuine discussion from these people about this and I'm sure they exist to some capacity but that's Very Clearly not what the community was formed around nor where the term originated. People don't complain that they had expectations on them they just make stupid tiktoks like "teachers seeing a neurodivergent person: omg you're so smart you're my favorite student!!!" and then act like that's 1. universal and not just for palatable NDs and 2. that being complimented by their teachers was the problem and not everything else

I think it's also important to note that the expectations really weren't worse for gifted kids, it's just that gifted kids got closer to reaching those expectations and felt they actually had a chance whereas everyone else was punished automatically for not coming close. The issue is not specific to any one class or type of class it's a widespread issue with academia as a whole.

I genuinely don't think that gifted kids had it any easier than anyone else but I don't think that they had it harder either. Recently someone while venting told me, "I think school is stealing my family from me" because of the extreme expectations put on them and they're definitely not in any kind of gifted kid program, it's literally just as bad and extreme for all of us.

Like and I really don't think it's a coincidence that the times that I've criticized gifted kids and the times that I've challenged academia is when I've gotten some of my most blatantly ableist asks telling me to "just get over [my disability] and read some fucking books" and grasping at whatever straws they can to make me look "unintelligent" (like yeah I totally don't have trauma with academia I'm just mad because [checks notes] I play undertale sometimes and it made me incapable of coherent thought I guess/s)

The community is inherently classist and ableist and whilst they definitely do have trauma from academia it is not any different than the rest of ours, them separating it as some different and unique trauma just because they did better than us so obviously we just Wouldn't Understand their Huge Brains is just so frustrating and gross and I just really wish people would realize that rather than using this as a crutch not to work on their internalized ableism like yeah take trauma processing at your own pace but that doesn't mean you get to make it everyone else's problem.

Also a lot of people are gonna hate this comparison but I frankly don't see a single difference in gifted kids making up terms to say that their experiences are somehow more severe or even all that different to ours cause they're just Built Different and empaths taking widespread issues that affect everyone and acting like they're just sensitive special little souls and we could never comprehend their pain when really it's the same shit like depression, anxiety, etc. that we all live with on a daily basis.

[choerrypuffs]

ok i was filling out luvdsc's form n i went on a whole rant about ur jeno demigod fic bc i just finished it so i just thought id spam u here too bc oml. first off thank u for posting it idk how long it's been up there but the pure Joy of checking ur acc & finding it: unmatched. second off sweet god im a sucker for bff2l but. that fic. made me a e2l believer i can't. i cannot. your worldbuilding (not just the author's, your contribution n integration of urs into it too) is so impeccable and the way every scene is mapped out so clearly u can effortlessly see it play out in ur head without even trying is just so. so pleasing.

- maybe im a hopeless romantic, maybe it's the disconnected world, maybe it's your writing (most definitely) but it just feels like this fic itself, not the story, is from a different time in the best possible way. it's just so raw and honest and while these days picture perfect writing is wonderful, your way of passing on images and scenes to readers makes it feel like more than just an picture box, idk how else to describe it but i felt so many things while reading n that's how yk a piece of writing is good: if u question ur life after it lol

sry for the spam, final msg i promise: but i can't imagine how much effort n dedication you put into that series. it's really inspiring. it's nice to read something this intense again. from the character growth to the funny bits to the way those two meat heads felt about each other n got us feeling in the process to that last scene, you've done a really lovely job on this n i can only hope you're as proud of it as we are happy to read, tysm n goodluck on wtv uve got planned next <33

wow i think this is the nicest ask i think i've ever received about my writing??? i am so floored that i genuinely am at a loss for words rn except thank you so so so so much ??? my mind is all over the place bc this ask has made me so happy but wow i've tried my best to gather my thoughts into a coherent response and i apologize if it's all over the place

first, i am SO excited that i have successfully converted you into an e2l believer as that is the superior trope 🧎‍♀️ and pls you are too kind !!! i'm so honored that you're praising my worldbuilding so highly omg you make my writing seem so much cooler than it is 🥺 the og pjo books can never be beaten, but i really tried to create that sense of community throughout the fics and i wanted to make sure the fics all connected with each other so that it truly felt like one universe (hence all the easter eggs) !! it makes me really happy that you were able to visualize the scenes in your head because i struggle with writing descriptions A LOT so i mulled over those for a while 💀 ESPECIALLY for jeno's fic because there was so much happening in it and more location changes than any fic i've ever written

FKJALKEL IM GONNA CRY OMFG IM SUCH A WRECK RN BC THIS IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE HIGHEST HONORS A WRITER COULD RECEIVE 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i wish i could express how grateful i am with more than just saying thank you but THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!!! my goal is always to evoke any sort of emotion from my readers, even if it’s just a laugh so to hear you express how you felt during the fic makes me feel so accomplished 💗💗💗

DONT APOLOGIZE OMG YOUR MESSAGE MADE MY DAY I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY FIC ON CAT’S FORM AND TO LEAVING SUCH A KIND ASK IN MY INBOX 🥰💗💖💞💓💘💝💟✨🌷🌸 my period must be coming bc i am legit teary eyed as i’m typing rn 😩 and yes even though i like to complain about how much i suffered writing the series, i am genuinely proud of it but i’m even prouder of all the love and support i’ve gotten over this long ass journey 🥺 you guys have been nothing but lovely to me and hype me up even when i feel like my writing is shit and i hope you know how much that means to me <33333 not to get all sappy but thank you again ilysm ❤️❤️❤️

[queerprayers]

I have had a text all thought out to ask but I forgot about it before I gotten around to ask, so im sorry if this isn't coherent. Mostly I just want to ask about (queer) Christianity and your connection to it and faith? I dont really know how to phrase it so its not a really broad question because thats probably really hard to answer? This is kinda a mess, im sorry. I've just been thinking about faith a lot? Not necessarily faith in a Christian God or even any god? I dont know? Its fine if you dont know what to say and you dont have to answer this because its a mess.

I hope you have a nice day!

Sorry it took me a little bit to get this-- it’s not at all because of your wording. I think I get what you’re trying to say don’t worry! If I don't mention something you wanted me to, just let me know!

So I grew up Lutheran Christian, going to church every single week, having daily prayers, the whole thing. My parents are both musicians and participated a lot in local worship events. I was baptized as an infant and had a confirmation ceremony when I was 12. Like most people who grew up religious, it was just obvious/given that I participated. I didn't exactly have a choice.

I started questioning my sexuality/realizing I was "different" when I was 13. I was beginning to struggle with mental illness as well, and those things combined sent me into a really dark place. (I won't go into details, because I don't think it'd be helpful and I don't want to trigger people.)

Like most people, I assumed I had to choose between my sexuality and my faith. At age 14-15 I started accepting that I couldn't change my sexuality, and I started growing apart from my faith. I never doubted that God existed, but I doubted that They loved me. And so I didn't grow distant from God because I didn't think there was one, but because I didn't see a point in trying to grow close to someone who didn't care about me.

I only really discovered that gay Christians even existed when I was 16, and it completely changed my life. I discovered the blog Queer Theology, and I finally felt like there was a place for me.

I'm 19 now, and every day I'm grateful that I've found a way to exist as both queer and a Christian. In the past few years I've read so many books and followed so many people online and worked on carving out a place for myself. And in the past year, as I've been thinking about my gender more, and improving in emotional health, I've grown so close to my faith. I see myself in the Bible more than ever, and I see myself in the "secular world" more than ever.

Queerness and Christianity are so connected for me? The contradictions, the standing up for the oppressed and ourselves, the living and loving and believing in ourselves and each other? I personally can't talk about one without talking about the other. Especially as I've been questioning my gender, I'm realizing that without my faith, I wouldn't be able to do this as freely and comfortably as I am. I know I'm made in God's image, and that my gender is an expression of that, and as I'm realizing I like they/she pronouns, I'm so thankful that God is supporting me in that and that I'm following in the footsteps of countless female saints who also were more connected to God than their womanhood, or who are only women through God.

It's lovely that you're thinking about faith-- take as much time as you need. Faith is messy and confusing and emotional and that's because it's human! Take time to explore, read, write, listen to people's experiences, maybe realize that there's so much queerness is God's existence and love. And if you find your way to somewhere else besides Christianity, or to no religion at all, that's okay too! I don't begrudge anyone their own exploration and existence. Curiosity and incoherent exploration are holy.

Whatever it means to you, I am praying for you and wishing you comfort and grace as you think about stuff like this! You're welcome to ask anything you're wondering about to me-- I think I could talk forever? I just have so much to say about stuff!

Much love, Johanna

[chateautae]

Hi Sammy! This is kind of? my mini non coherent review of MID, lets see if Tumblr will allow me to fit all my thoughts into one ask. This goes without saying but MID is perhaps one of my favourite fics which probably wont be topped by any other fic for a long ass time. I was engaged thoroughly and became even more invested the more I read. When Tae and OC started to become close, I do remember cringing once or twice bc of how cheesy and sappy they were for each other but then I really had to remember that holy shit? they were literally in their honeymoon phase? And Tae and OC are people who are so so so genuine and love so deeply that sometimes they did resort to grand verbal statements and that was completely okay because they meant every word, no matter how cheesy they got. They still had some iconic dialogues! Once I read MID a second time I really began to appreciate how much painstaking detail went into their progression because like, they didnt have sex until chapter 8? Thats huge considering the length of the story. With all the buildup, tension and yearning, them being crazy in love dorks makes complete sense now that I really think about it. These two beautiful souls who've been mistreated and misjudged their whole lives carried around so much love and purity individually and for each other, that when they finally got the chance to express it, they didnt know how to act bc they just loved each other so much! The respect for one another was always there, and them learning more and more about each other just made them fall harder and harder for one another to the point where they're literally soulmates! So yeah I'm sorry for projecting onto your beautiful work that one time. I guess its probably bc I've never been in a relationship (I'm 20 btw!). So I dont really get understand how a couple is meant to act jhdjfjfdkdjfh but my rating for this fic is 9.8/10! You poured your heart into this story and its sooooo apparent. Its bc of those genuine and unadulterated emotions that you've so skillfully woven together into this fic that its managed to gain the following that it has. To many more iconic fics by you! (if thats the plan, obvs its all up to you!!) Sorry for making you read this mess. Have a great day!

NAURRR this review is so sweet!! I totally see what you mean, I have like the highest radar for cringe-worthy content so sometimes my own radar would get triggered, but it's really eye-opening once you're truly in love with someone like that you realize you say things that may be cheesy or sappy. I have my own mid tae and honestly, we say the sappiest to each other that if someone heard us they'd probably throw up 😭 but that's just what loves does to you. It makes you crazy and feel things you can't even describe. So much so that all that can come out of your mouth is the sappy, cheesy stuff, so i'm glad you felt their love was so real my loves!! I'm so so happy their characters resonated with you and were conveyed to you that way, the same with their relationship and commenting on the development. It really took my all to write this story so I'm really really happy you're recognizing that effort, and tysm for your words on my writing, you're so lovely 🥺💓 thank you again for even reading loves <33

[whumping-out-of-timee]

Fear me

Cw: Demons, Murder, Minor character death, Knife, Near coerced murder, Cannibalism, Throat injury, Blood, Fear, Mocking, Sadistic whumper, Unpredictable whumper, Death threats, Hopelessness, Gore

Previous: The origin

Heed the content warnings on this one for real. It involves minor character death, near coerced murder, graphic murder, cannibalism.

If you'd like to skip it, here's a summary: Reyo graphically kills and eats another demon in front of Niko. Because, he wants Niko to be afraid of him again.

Red Masterlist here

*****

The air was especially warm today, but there was nothing to do. Niko sat staring at the horizon, it appeared more colorful than normal. Almost breaking from it's muted gray tone. The wind blew his hair slightly.

It was calm without Reyo around. He hadn't bothered to show up in days. Leaving Niko confused by the fuzzy memory of him.

Did I.. dream it? I must have. Why would he ever show me kindness. It must just be another sick game

Reyo appeared before him, ruining his daydream. Niko was tiring of his games, he stayed seated on the ground.

"Not jumping up to greet me like usual?" Reyo glared, a thinly veiled threat.

Niko jumped to his feet immediately as Reyo stalked around him.

"Not afraid of me anymore, are you? What? Do you expect me to coddle you? You're nothing but pathetic" Reyo mocked him, tilting his head to examine Niko's defeated look.

I would be stupid to think his kindness meant anything

"Don't run off, I'll be right back." He growled as he disappeared.

Great, he seems to be in a bad mood today

Niko looked to the skyline, it almost appeared blue today. He missed the way the real sky looked. Missed the wind in his feathers. Missed his wings.

No use mourning over that

Reyo returned, holding another demon by the upper arm. They looked annoyed but didn't fight as they were dragged after him. Reyo didn't seem to acknowledge their existence as he analyzed Niko's glare.

As Reyo drew near, he released his hold on the stranger, turning to them with a sour look. They stood facing him, eyes averted down in shame.

What? Who's that?

Reyo took a condescending tone with the stranger as he spoke "I gave you a warning and you still stole from me. I know you did." He got close in their face as they tried to flinch away. "Normally I wouldn't care about missing food. But, I've been having to feed my captive here, so he doesn't die." He took a step back, inhaling sharply as if to gain control of himself.

He began again, in a low growl, as he stepped back to address both of them. "I'm tired of both of you. I'm tired of starving. I'm tired of no one listening to my threats" he gave Niko the side eye at the last part.

"so, I'm going to solve it!" He exclaimed, almost cheerfully.

The stranger was shaking, as Reyo drew near again. Turning their chin up to look them in the eyes. "Awe, why are you afraid now? You never listened to my warnings before now. It would've been so easy." He let them go with a chuckle.

"Now.." he paused, turning to address Niko.

"What's your name, angel?"

"N-Niko"

Reyo turned back to the trembling stranger. "Now, Niko here, is somewhat of a murder. Would you kill Niko to avoid punishment?" A grin spreading across his face at those words.

"Yes- whatever you want master" their voice wavered, but the sigh of relief was obvious.

Reyo's expression was pure evil as he met Niko's shocked gaze. Spinning around, almost playfully, as he distanced himself from the situation.

Is this how I die? After everything. They didn't even look at me before promising to kill me

Reyo broke out in laughter, "Did you hear that, angel? They wouldn't feel bad about killing you." He got serious as he added "I want you to keep that in mind, as you kill them."

He can't be serious. I cant- I've never killed anyone that except Reyo, and he's immortal

The stranger tried sprinting away, Reyo grabbed them instantly, pining their arm behind them. "Sorry I don't feel like chasing today." he met Niko's gaze, adding, "same goes for you, angel."

Niko stood silently, lost in his own racing mind. Time moved slowly as the color left his face.

He's not joking.. I can't do something like that. What will he do if I dont obey?

He looked down, trying not to focus on the struggling creature in Reyo's grip. A sharp noise, as Reyo broke the hand that clawed at him. A scream further freezing Niko in fear.

Reyo took a knife out of his pocket, dropping it to the floor and kicking it towards Niko.

"If you make another piss poor attempt at stabbing me, I'll kill you Niko" he threatened, before turning his attention back on the struggling demon. "You're not very good at getting away, huh?"

"Please- Reyo-" they pleaded, before Reyo put his hand over their mouth

"Oh, shut up."

He turned his attention to Niko, who was still standing stunned at the scene "oh, come on angel, too good for murder now?"

"I- can't-"

"Pick up the knife. Now." Reyo interrupted, impatiently tightening his grip on the demon in his arms.

This is crazy, I would never- I won't

"Now!" Reyo glared over the demons shoulder at him. "Or else."

Niko bent down reluctantly, to reach for the knife. Grateful for an excuse to break eye contact with Reyo. It was cold in his hands, his reflection blurry in it. Anger boiled over in him.

I'm going to stab Reyo. I don't care what he does about it. I'm doomed to die anyway. Why would I ever kill someone for his entertainment?

"Good, now come here, angel." Reyo mused, his voice calm again.

Niko took a shaky step forward, closing the distance. Reyo didn't seem to mind his slow pace drawing out the moment.

Maybe I'm just glad it's not the other way around. Eventually it will be..

He didn't want to think about the inevitable.

"Do it, Niko." Spit out as a threat, neon orange glare burning through him. Shattering Niko's retaliation before it begun. The blade shaking in his hand before slipping through his fingers.

I can't hurt Reyo. I can't. He's a monster. Unkillable. Things will only be worse.

The echo of the knife on the floor brought a smirk to Reyo's cold expression. "Ahh, think your refusal is a service to them? How stupid."

He tightened his grip around the stranger, condescending words hidden under an artificially sweet tone. "Let's show Niko what he's in for, hm?"

Reyo's cruelty surfacing again, as he laughed at their panicked struggles. Seemingly unbothered as they managed to bite into his fingers. He kept his hand tightly over their mouth as color ran down his arm.

Niko wanted to run but he was too terrified. Aware of his every heart beat as he watched, completely frozen.

Reyo's claws dug into the demons cheek as he pulled their head back at an unnatural angle. Flashing a toothy grin at Niko before biting down with force on their exposed skin.

The stranger's eyes widening as they tried to grasp for air. Reyo's jaws still tightly clenched around their throat as a sharp ripping motion brought blood to the stranger's mouth.

Niko watched in shocked fear. Unable to form a coherent thought. Wincing at every flinch the dying stranger made.

He's- like a rabid animal

The gruesome scene before him erasing any hope he had of survival, red smothering it all. Gasping in the air as though he was underwater. Drowning in powerless fear as he hid behind closed eyelids. Overflowing down his face to meet the red below.

That color will suffocate me as well

*****

Next: Sub-zero

Taglist:

@abitefullofeverything

[filthyjanuary]

I've never seen an episode of supernatural all I see is what's on your blog and each and every day I become more confused about the writing of the show and why people enjoy it :l

okay well first off i am SO sorry you have to see me like this jknbuvgyuhjn i cannot believe im spnblogging in 2020 like im 15 again but things happen i guess.

second of all, the thing to know about supernatural is.... i think, for general audiences, it is an average-to-good show. it's not Bad. It's not Beloved and/or Acclaimed. objectively, i think is also probably the most balanced view of the show and is also probably what the cw and/or people who worked on the show see it as. it lasted 15 years because it consistently pulled in reliable numbers for the cw and grabbed a lot of demographics. like i know the tumblr bubble skews perceptions but, people of all ages, genders, sexualities watched and enjoyed supernatural, yes even to the very end. most people are also not looking at supernatural with the hyperfocused lens that tumblr is and that’s like... okay. those fans aren’t any less relevant or important. if only tumblr was watching supernatural, i promise it would’ve been cancelled like at least 7 years ago.

the spn *fandom* is interesting because like one, no one is watching the same fucking show. like we all watched the same episodes but like this fandom cant even agree on like...basic facets of canon, let alone digging into complex meta. people’s views of characters actions and motivations skew wildly. things one side of the fandom considers nearly canon are like essentially viewed as ooc on other sides of the fandom. you love and hate all the characters and everyone is always about to start swinging on everyone else. you have to simultaneously juggle the ideas that the writers — and for the record this show has had four showrunners and like a billion individual writers who all see and interpret it slightly differently — are brilliant and the writers legitimately are both stupid and bad at their jobs. you have to turn your brain off in terms of continuity because they retcon their own lore every 15 seconds. this isn’t even getting into the ship wars, the boundary crossing, the weird invasiveness , etc., etc., etc. supernatural’s writing is sometimes incredible, sometimes terrible, but generally pretty average, but it had a charm (ESPECIALLY IN SEASONS 1-3) that reeled you in, even if you hated the genre.

when a show is on this long, i think the fans (rightly so) will look back and dig in and get nitpicky on things they wish were covered with more care. things that the show obviously did not decide to write with the intention of addressing/grappling with later on. case in point: dean’s drinking habits. with the exception of like... season 7 where they DO address it, dean drinks a lot as a feature of his character with little to no consequence. he doesn’t get drunk. he’s always driving. it might as well be water. the writers don’t intend for that to be more than just a facet of what makes him a rough and tough action hero even though logically, he should be drunk all the time. even w/ interviews w/ the cast/crew, it’s clear the writers don’t think the fans will care and/or notice a lot of things. they do, because well, they’re invested. the fandom extrapolates because that’s what fandom does, but i really don’t think the writers connect those dots because dean’s drinking /isn’t/ a problem until they need it to be. because spn has gone on so long, it has more instances of things like this than other shows, and our cultural contexts have also evolved a lot along the way from 2005 to 2020. so again, there’s a lot to work with. i don’t really think that’s so much a reflection of the quality of the show than it is a reflection of how long it’s been on and the way society has changed since then. dean not knowing what myspace is is funny for two completely different reasons in 2005 and in 2020, for example.

my own personal opinion is, there’s a lot to enjoy about supernatural. seasons 1-5 are legitimately good tv. for all their flaws, they have a very clear aesthetic and tell a story that is well-structured and relatively coherent in terms of themes and continuity. they set up complex characters and relationships and everyone’s motivations make sense and that arc wraps on a tragic but ultimately narratively consistent and thus fulfilling point. of course, there’s stuff i personally like and dislike but separating my emotions from it, it’s very good. i think if anything, i would recommend anyone watch those five seasons and then decide whether they want to continue or not. if you don’t, you’ll end on a note that feels complete. it’s what i’m doing w/ my friend elaine, currently, actually. if she decides she wants to continue after 5, we’ll do that, but for now we’re just vibing in season 1. after that point, i think if you decide you care enough about the characters to push through wildly inconsistent writing, there’s stuff to enjoy in seasons 6-15, but the quality and particularly the consistency dips and this is also where the retconning really starts to...intensify. it’s also where the mythos of supernatural grows bigger than the show itself, which i think was always supernatural’s downfall. the crew started caring more about the whims of the fandom and frankly the fandom became more of the story than the show, and that’s how you get people piecing together what supernatural is based on out of context gifsets that skew perceptions wildly and get Supernatural Fandom™ which... frankly, in my opinion, changed fandom culture as a whole for the worse, like yes it’s a huge, powerful and often memeable behemoth but also... the way it changed creator-fan interactions is something we’re going to be unpacking for a long time. i think had the writers tuned out fandom wars and internet yelling and strived to tell a story that made sense and was well constructed to /them/, we wouldn’t be here and seasons 6-15 could’ve found a way to be as beloved as the first third of the show. i’m personally of the opinion that being a fan of something, for better or for worse, does not entitle you to part of it’s creative process. it doesn’t become a collaboration, and the door is always there if you get to the point where you want to leave. i think supernatural getting too caught up in its own fandom and balancing all these conflicting interests is ultimately what made the last 10 seasons, and particularly the back third of the show oftentimes flounder. the finale chaos, in my opinion, happened because they tried to please everyone by keeping too many things vague so people would have room to play in their own sandboxes and round out the story the way they wanted to see it and thus ultimately, a lot of things were left in the air and so for many people, the closure they were hoping for just wasn’t there.

i dont know how this became a long and scattered collection of thoughts but tldr, people enjoy supernatural because at the end of the day, it’s an enjoyable show and i think the more you stew in a fandom bubble, there’s more to get worked up about. which is fine. i like that fandom engages in complex conversations that the show won’t grapple with, but that’s not for everyone and i don’t think the fact that we have these conversations is necessarily an indictment of the show’s overall quality.