#i've made it really clear that i'm a trans girl?? it'd be a bit hard to transition to that if you're born a girl

[cannibalcaprine]

afab or amab?

anon, i'm gonna rip your windpipe out of your neck with my teeth

[girltober]

Long gender ramble incoming!

Been reading through my old posts and like... damn. I feel like the OG Girl Month may have lowkey been the happiest period of my life so far?

I felt so genuinely self-confident and loved and appreciated by my friends and... idk. It was just really nice. I want to try to get back into that headspace.

And like the experience of doing gender in such a casual non-committal way was SO liberating. Girlmoding then vs girlmoding now feels like the difference between doodling for fun and doing a Serious Art Project.

Like I'm locked in now. I've come out to my family, gotten an official HRT prescription and I've made trans friends who might view me differently if I detransitioned (I mean I'd hope not but idk). I CAN still stop whenever I want but it'd be kinda a big deal and a bit embarrassing, and I'd want to walk a careful line with the way I talk about it to make it clear that just because it was a phase for *me* doesnt mean you should assume that about anyone else...

Anyway I'm not saying I necessarily WANT to quit at this point but... idk I'm just questioning shit. Turns out you can't actually speedrun your full gender self-discovery journey in a single month who knew.

I have still been enjoying being girlnamed and wearing dresses, but its been sort of tinged by the stress/pressure/imposter syndrone sometimes. Like the difference between saying you like to draw and introducing yourself as an artist. I'm also kinda exhausted by the constant girlupkeep, and the less I do it the less girly I feel. Shaving - face or body- being the main one thats been grating on me more and more, but also my long hair has gotten more annoying as summer rolls on.

Anyway a couple of assorted personal gender theories that may or may not be true idk

I'm trans, I've just been demoralised as my naivite has been slowly stripped away and I've started to truly grok the struggle that being trans longterm actually means- warring against your own body and society alike

I'm genderfluid or genderqueer, and I'm frustrating myself by trying too hard to just be a woman. I just need to go with the flow and take gender day by day

I'm not actually trans, I'm just Cis+ /a crossdresser - wearing dresses makes me feel happy and confident, but in a completely different way to trans stuff. (Counterpoint: is there a meaningful difference? If I'm AMAB and like wearing dresses and using a girlname and girlpronouns then whats the point in quibbling over definitions?) (Also, is this theory motivated by my demoralisation in point 1 and is merely my brain trying to "dodge the draft" of the trans experience?)

My mental health has just been kinda shitty for unrelated reasons and gender is just a scapegoat. I should stop going to bed at 2am and clean my room and see if that fixes anything.

I should literally stop thinking about my gender and just wear and be what feels good. My gender is Nunya.

Relevant discussion with a friend from early December:

Actually while I was finding those images in my camera roll I saw this and it actually is such a good representation of my current gender experience:

TLDR: My gender is currently solidly in the "it is what it is" sector and the cure is shifting that shit up and/or right lol.

Anyway shits weird but I'll work it out. Worst case scenario I quit HRT at my 3 month checkup with little to no harm done to my body (and hopefully a permanent buff to my nipple sensitivity) and can look back on this fondly as a fun phase I enjoyed. No shame in trying new experiences and deciding they're not for you, nor in being mistaken and working shit out. 💙💜💙🤍🖤🤍