#i've got barbie on friday. i'm going to a cottage for the weekend with my friends for meg's sister's birthday
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#shut up kell#i need to yammer. somewhere.#i have too much fucking happening to my brain rn#monday is the eleventh anniversary of nana dying.#i was eleven when she died. i've had to fucking miss her for as long as i got to know her. i don't know what to do with this#every single day after monday will be another day longer than the time i got to spend on earth at the same time as her#and i'm not well! and that isn't going to be something i can deal with this weekend bc i am going to be so busy#i've got barbie on friday. i'm going to a cottage for the weekend with my friends for meg's sister's birthday#which i wanted to say no to due to the timing. but of course i said yes bc i can't say no to meg literally fucking ever bc i'm tragic.#and i also know the blackout i'd go into for the first nine years after isn't smth she would want for me. so i don't do it anymore.#i'm going to have fun and i'm going to be fine but i would be lying if i said i wasn't regretting this fucking thing rn. i don't wanna do it#i don't want to do anything. i want to have time to prepare myself for this. i need to have space to get myself ready for this shift.#but i won't get that. and then it will be monday and then i will be in the true After.#i thought ten years would be the worst one. that was nothing compared to this.#and i'm sick to my stomach thinking about next year#and the year after it. and the year after that. and the years after those.#i shouldn't have to go through this. she should have been allowed to stay. i wasn't ready then and i'm even less ready now and i want her.#i want her back and i cannot fucking have her and i will have to live however many more years beyond this without her until i'm gone too.#and then i'll just have to hope and pray that i get to go wherever she went without me.#what a cruel existence. what a horrid thing to make me do. having to keep walking this earth as her ash dances on the surface of the sea.#i'm going to bed. i will not feel better tomorrow but i'm used to that.#i'm okay and i always am and i will make it through. somehow. kicking and screaming the whole way.#i'd trade all my tomorrows for just one fucking yesterday. yeah. fuck off.
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