#i've got a bang fic taking up most of my time rn tho so new growth creechur and cryptobotany are taking a backseat until it's done but-

[puffinpastry]

Hello!! I adore your writing, by the way, both fics from you I've read!! I had a hard time deciding between asking about New Growth and Cryptobotany, but!! In New Growth, what does Wolfwood think of what's going on between Knives and Vash? Like he was technically a part of the Eye and has got to have some complicated feelings on Knives himself, but he's still trying to play mediator himself. He seems pretty chill with Knives, all things considered, but he also yelled at him pretty quick when he set off a panic attack in Vash on accident. So I'm really curious on what Wolfwood is thinking through all of it!

First off:

Thank you SO much! Both Cryptobotany and New Growth have been so much fun to write and I had no idea that they'd get as much traction as they have.

Secondly! Answer under a cut here! I got a little (very) long winded.

OKAY SO!

There are a few reasons that he's so relaxed about Knives hanging around and it really boils down to three things.

First: Knives isn't the only one here that's chilled out since the end of trimax. This version of Wolfwood has had the time he needed to do some inward thinking and more or less come to terms with at least some of the suffering that he'd been subjected to and the actions that he was forced to take to keep himself alive and the orphanage safe. Less of the kind of healing that actual therapy sort of help would do for him and more the result of there no longer being a constant threat and end goal to keep his mind too busy to stop and go 'Man. Was that fucked or what?' But the peace made him have to address it on his own. (Mostly on his own. Ofc he had support from Vash, it would've been impossible for him to miss.) He was able to accept what had happened and that very little of it, if any, had been his own fault. None of that is to say that he no longer feels any guilt over what had happened or that it doesn't still keep him up at night from time to time, but he has healed from it enough that he no longer has nightmares about leaving bloody hand prints on anyone and anything he touches.

All of that is to say that he recognizes Knives and his influence and responsibility for the things that the Eye did, either directly or in a more roundabout way, but at the same time the Eye is gone, LivRaz is free from their influence, the kids in the orphanage are safe from the possibility of having to go through the same things that he did, and Chapel is dead. All that's left of it is Knives and, well... The first thing he saw when he tracked Knives down was this man that was so clearly exhausted and beaten down. There was no fight left in him at all, and it almost reminded him of when he'd finally found Vash hiding out in a little town and calling himself Eriks. Except Knives didn't even have that little town or a Sheryl or a Lina to lean on or give himself some semblance of purpose.

So he went looking for Knives he'd only seen a few times before. The Knives he'd once pointed a gun at and feared too much to pull the trigger. He knew that this Knives was de-powered and defeated, but he still wasn't prepared for the sad wet beast born in a cardboard box all alone version that he found. He didn't even know that was possible… and kicking that when he was already down would have felt shitty to say the least. It was a version that was a lot harder to dredge up any fear for.

Second: This one is simpler. He knows that despite everything that has been done to him that Vash still has some deep rooted desire to have his entire family back, even if that isn't possible for one reason (dead) or another (tree-d and disappeared). He understands Vash's complicated feelings on it to some degree from his own experiences with the orphanage after he left and for the extended period of time where he thought he would never be able to go home. Their situations weren't the same, but they were just close enough for him to empathize with Vash. But then there Knives is all of a sudden, and even if it isn't going to fit in with or match up to the sort of impossible, idealized, shameful daydreams that Vash has to have from time to time, it's suddenly possible for there to be some kind of reconcilliation and even if they try and fail then there's more closure there than there would be if Knives was chased off and Vash was left to wonder what-if for the rest of his life. So even if he still does rightfully hate Knives... He hates the idea of Vash suffering another regret and having to cope with another source of misplaced guilt more.

And he wasn't lying when he told Knives that he wanted the twins to have more family and more support in their lives. Yeah, they've got him and Vash, and they've got Meryl and Milly and LivRaz. They've got the help of Melanie and they've visited the kids in the orphanage before, and they even have a few of the townsfolk, but Knives would be an important addition for the fact that he is a plant, and the twins are going to need some sort of guidance and Vash can only offer so much of that himself. Especially as he is now without powers and after a lifetime of trying to distance himself from what he was and after receiving no guidance of his own. They each had to figure out everything as they grew and between the both of them then the girls might not have to struggle as much as they did.

Third: this is the most important point. In New Growth Wolfwood knows about Tesla. I'll actually be getting more into this and why Vash chose to actually share something THAT personal later on because the idea of a short Wolfwood focused prequel planted itself into my head recently and I'm going to be doing something about that as soon as New Growth is finished. But anyway! Wolfwood knows about Tesla, and he knows about how both Knives and Vash reacted to their discovery of her. He knows why Knives made the choices he did, and he understands why he made them. Knowing that all of his actions came from fear and exactly what caused it gave him everything he needed to know to feel safe in believing it when Knives says that he's done.

So he is more comfortable with Knives around than he would have been without that knowledge, without needing him around for the girls' sake, and if Vash didn't want anything to do with him, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't still hold any uncertainty about having him in their home. He's still worried about the very real possibility of the whole thing falling apart and going wrong. Accidents still happen, and the panic attack that Knives triggered is a perfect example of that.

Even if the mistake that triggered that whole thing was pretty much harmless, the picture it made was still startling enough that it set off some of those fears. His reaction wasn't warranted but it wasn't exactly unwarranted at the same time. Does he really think that Knives is a danger/is going to do something to hurt anyone there? No. But the anxiety is there and he's spent the whole time feeling like he's juggling the temperaments and the potential for violence of two pretty much wild animals, even if those wild animals are busy playing house.

So in short... outwardly he's pretty calm, and he's having a good time pretending that he's all chilled out and in total control of the situation (and he kind of is, Vash and Knives are struggling but he's really doing the best he can for them and it's working) but internally he's shaking like a nervous chihuahua.

[emryses]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @mustlovesteve tysm!! i checked, and turns out i did this last november, too, so this will be a fun little comparison!

1. How many works do you have an AO3? 46!

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 512,645!!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

main ones are dead boy detectives & stranger things (specifically steddie lbr) rn!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

you looking at me, looking at you

run your fingers through my hair

you will never be unloved by me (you are too well tangled in my soul) -- i know this one is new!! dead boys ily.

eat me alive

when the party's over

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes! i try my very very best to respond to all of them, especially on newer fics. i usually fall behind on older fics/don't prioritize responding as much, but if there's one that is really kind/really touches me i always make a note to respond.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i've written a lot of depressing shit for the merlin fandom. i think winter always turns to spring might be one of the saddest all around, though.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

my hairdresser!steve fics are the happiest/fluffiest things i've ever written. but most of my fics have a happy ending! i think maybe memoria has one of the happiest tho?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really. i got One troll comment on a fic a few months ago that i just deleted and blocked lol.

9. Do you write smut?

every once in a while! i don't feel i'm very good at it, so it takes me a loooong time to write it when i do.

10. Do you write crossovers?

not in the traditional sense of combining fandoms, but if my btvs au counts as a crossover then yes?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! winter always turns to spring was translated into portuguese!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i've thrown around the idea with friends before (pax....mona....if u see this....hiiiiiii)

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

this is such a rude question tbqh !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to default back and say merthur, because they were the one and only and a constant in my life for so long. (steddie and payneland make me so fucking crazy tho)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

there is a steddie wip called "tightly hidden fists" i started in LITERALLY july 2022. it's still sitting in my google docs at 20k+ and i'm starting to doubt if i'll ever finish it. i keep considering signing up for a round of a steddie bang or something but i'm scared to do that to myself again lmfao.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i'm very good at dialogue, and getting The Voice of the character down. those things are usually what come to me first when i'm writing.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for lack of a better word...filler? transitionary bits of fic. i overuse phrases/words like a madman, i also think i am a victim of trying to be too flowery when i can just, like, tone it the fuck down. are those weaknesses????

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if it's easily translatable sentences (short and sweet, nothing too complicated) i put in the language in italics. (like, bonjour.) but frankly, i tend to avoid putting other languages in my fics. i don't often need to, and since i don't speak any language other than english i don't want to butcher anything if i can help it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

probably the peter pan self insert i wrote many times between the ages of like 8-12.

20. Favorite fics you've written?

fields of gold mention. my love letter to bbcm. i'm also very proud of memoria, my 2023 steddie bang.

low pressure tags for @queerofthedagger @insane-ohwhyfandoms @wolfiery @babyseraphim

[j2zara]

Hiiiiii~ 2, 4, 7, 10, 22, 24, 30 for the fic writer game! 💖

Hiiiii friend! Sorry this took all day my brain is dead rn

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

Lol i'm banging my head against the wall getting killed by LJ3porter fic so i'm like. Right in Girlfail Ellie J4 POV hell rn!!!! She's so fun and i do think writing for her is both easy and hard in that i enjoy doing it (and tbh i think i default to her pov usually when im in LJ3 mode) but i worry i make her way too sopping wet and pathetic. Which she can be pathetic but i worry im going like. way too sad wattpad girl with her.

4. a story idea you haven’t written yet

OK! I've talked about a few different things before so i'm gonna. Well. I'm two sentences into twelfth night j2 being sent to pursue Jace on Porter's behalf fic so i feel like that counts as "not written yet." I also talk about how. I think doing a reincarnation au for LJ3 or the clones in general would be so fun. i'm not sure what kind tho, the version in which they're all new teachers at aguefort is so fun and kinda stuck in my brain now. Plus i wanna write Barbarian teacher Tiefling!Ellie x Sorcerer teacher Aasimar!J3 like so so so so bad i think it would be such a funny way to have them never escaping the torment nexus. I also think it would be fun to write something abt LJ3 in their friends with benefits era. Or maybe one of their more official "date nights". I think if they got into doing roleplay in the bedroom is would be so so so so so so fucking funny. Like. Pretending the other is stranger they picked up at the bar or something.

7. your preferred writing fonts

Tbh i kinda would like to find a perfect writing font? I tend to default Arial and it doesn't look perfect its honestly kinda offputting but. my strategy is. When I feel like my writing looks so so so busted i switch to Verdana which is closer to the ao3 font so i can better visualize how it's gonna look. And that helps a bit. Idk im sick.

10. what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

That's a good question. Actually? A couple years i think? I abandoned my old talentswap for a couple years before picking it up again in college. (tbh my current ch 3.3 is STILL unfinished so i abandoned it again). Tbh i'm not good at letting drafts rest and returning back to them. I either try to power through or end up abandoning it which i don't love

22. do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that?

I try not to but like. Yeah. I'm stressed basically every time. I joke that when i write original fiction that i have a hoard of angry twitter pearlclutchers that live in my head ready to rip everything i do to shreds but i try not to listen to them. But i'm worried every time. This has nothing to do with how i feel about you guys tbh i wildly underestimate your guys kindness and goodwill just bc im very hard on myself

I was anxious abt IYWD (I was worried it was gonna come across as too soft or too apologetic). I was anxious that nobody would take to Dyke!Jace/Zara in Who Can Blame a Girl, or i wouldn't be able to sell it

I probably MOST anxious of all about Almost (I was SO stressed that ppl were not gonna vibe at all with Bluejay or not gel with the whole "what if the clones were actual characters" , "born to love porter cliffbreaker, forced to do menial tasks for jaceprime" etc etc thought experiment. and i was so so so so so so scared about dropping the nickname Bluejay i was worried it was gonna be completely stupid and i was completely off the mark)

I was anxious abt Biggest Lie (i was worried it wasn't hot enough or maybe too violent or that it was maybe too shamelessly just like. smut lol).

And after Almost i was probably second most anxious about Stay / Leave. It was just a wip i really struggled with and idk it was so.... insular i guess? b/c it was so niche and the wip ended up being SO LONG and kinda emotional and sappy? Like again i think i was having the same doubts i had abt j2 in which i was like what if i can't sell people on this relationship. What if i've failed to convey something sincere. (that one was crazy tho bc i really really really really tried to release it and not care what happened bc i knew only a handfull of ppl would read it and i really really really tried to be cool and for a while i was but it was just hard i was so nervous and i don't think it was anyones reaction is really was just my nerves that were putting me in such a bad and upset mood and then over the next day or two i. I made this joke earlier that like. I PROMISE and hope i'm not overinflating my ego when i say this like i'm perfectly aware that i just write silly smut online but it really was so so so so funny. to see everyone practically overnight be like.... wait. Are LJ3..... in love??? And now LJ3 is like such an integral part of clone lore.

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

That's a good question bc i feel like. When i'm stuck in one medium i tend to just try and distract myself with another so when im bad at drawing i write and when im bad at writing i draw. But thats not exactly recharging. Tbh i do think i need to find better things in my routine that rejuvenate me i think i haven't been particularly good at treating myself well lately

30. share a fic you’re especially proud of

I'm cringe and usually will shill if you want divinity (you're gonna have to go through me) as one of my favorite things i've ever written. But im also extremely confident most of y'all have already read it. I'm very very hard on myself so i swing between thinking the things i make suck and also being like. Fairly proud of all of them.

But idk it was my first ambitious thing i wrote and FINISHED in a long time and honestly? I do think its slightly better than the rest bc the iterations are all reliant on the original so they're very intertextual and repetitive which isn't BAD but. The extra work it took to make IYWD work makes it feel different to me. There's a LOT of stuff in it that i'm proud of that i honestly kind of miss b/c Porter is so smitten for Jace in a way he hasn't been in things i've written in a long time. I'm a softy who likes when jaceporter are soft and kinda in love... sue me... And like. i always feel so self congratulatory talking about the Loving To the Point of Invention Detect Thoughts + Teleport but i really felt good about coming up with that. And i still like the flashbacks a lot. It always feels so embarrassing to admit that i like. Get emotional thinking about the flashback of them on the bed. Sometimes i tailor make a scene just for me. "I promise i'm never going to let anything happen to you ever again" "as a paladin or a barbarian" "both" is like. Such a scene just for me. And I think the ending is good too. "I'll take it. I'll take it all" just felt so. fitting. It's so him getting to hear himself say to porter "i'll take the thing with you that is broken and fucked and full of compromises even if it has to end". Sigh. Sometimes you're an english major and you agonize over being a good writer for like two decades and realize that you might not be as horrible as you think.

(For the record. i think if i were to rank what i've written for fantasy high from fav to least fave, i'd say IYWD, Biggest Lie, Stay / Leave, Who Can Blame a Girl, Almost, Tell Me How, and it feels weird to put Almost that low bc i do like it. Tbh i regret making it so short i think i could've pushed it further)

Anyway!!! This got long winded as hell. Thanks for the asks they were fun to do!

Send me Fic Writer Asks! / Here are the questions!