#i've fixed that so many times now I give up I'll just indent the song

[tuulikannel]

There is this song by a Finnish band I like, CMX, and it always makes me think of Gakushuu and Gakuhou. I once started writing a fic based on it, but I doubt I'll ever really finish it. So I figured I might as well post here what I've written & my thoughts about the rest of the song.

So, it's Gakushuu & his dad angst time! ^^

Three Miles North from the Crossroads of Death

“And what happens then?” Ren asked quietly.

Gakushuu blinked, raising his eyes from his book.

“What?”

“What happens… once you have done… all that?”

Gakushuu frowned. “I don’t quite understand what you mean. What happens then?” He shrugged. “Anything I want, I guess. I’ve reached my goal, I have won. What happens after… it’s ultimately irrelevant.”

Ren looked at him, something quiet and shadowy in his eyes, but then he smiled. “Yeah. I guess.” That smile… didn’t quite reach his eyes, Gakushuu thought, but the boy looked away so quickly he couldn’t quite be sure. And honestly, whether it did or not… that too was irrelevant.

Gakushuu turned back to his book. He didn’t know what had brought on that question, and didn’t really care, either. Ren was a bit weird at times, that was all.

As he walked home in the evening, that question returned to his mind. What happens then?

Gakushuu smiled a little at himself. If only Ren new… all the fantasies he had of what he would do once he finally, one day, would crush his father. Well, Ren would never know, of course. He would never talk about all that to anyone. And, he had to admit to himself, much of that was nothing but silly daydreams. The reality would most likely be something much more boring.

That too was, ultimately, irrelevant. One day he would defeat his father, for good, and then… then he’d have all he had ever wished for at his hands.

Wouldn’t he?

For some reason, the image of Ren’s eyes flashed in his mind. If he didn’t know better, he would say his friend had looked worried. The way he had looked at Gakushuu… it was as if he had seen something troubling.

Having reached his home, Gakushuu paused for a moment at the front door. Yes… once he won… he would cherish that moment. All the hard work it would take to reach it. And after that…

…well. Maybe he didn’t quite know, yet, what would come next. Perhaps, having once reached the top position, he would simply have to continue working hard to stay there. To keep his father down. That was, most likely, all that there was to it. There was no point to think of all that quite yet. No reason to let whatever had been troubling Ren about this to trouble him, too.

He took a deep breath and, trying to push away the cold emptiness inside him, opened the door.

He would reach the top, one of these days, and he would stay there. That was all there was to it. What would happen then was hardly something to fret over.

That night Gakuhou returned home quite late. Spending hours eating and drinking (mainly drinking) at a restaurant was quite ridiculous, but thinking of the deals he had managed to struck with his rather drunk business partners, it was still time well spent.

Checking on his son, he saw that Gakushuu had already retired for the night. He stood a moment in the doorway of his son’s room, watching the sleeping figure. The younger the child, the more sleep it needs, he knew that well. Gakushuu… wasn’t such a small child anymore. Perhaps he could start staying up a little bit later. Of course, he didn’t yet have so many things on his schedule he would have to take also the wee hours into use, but it would not hurt to start schooling his body to adapt to less sleep.

It was, ultimately, all about efficiency. Even a couple of hours of sleep could do a lot, as long as you sleep tightly.

Gakushuu had never really been a good sleeper. Even as a toddler he had taken a while to fall asleep, no matter how tired he was. Lying in bed but not sleeping… that if anything was a waste of time.

This boy… held the potential to be the top elite of the country, one day. Wasn’t he already that, in his age group? But he still had much room for growth. He spoke so big, of how he would someday bring Gakuhou himself down. There was still such a long way to reach that goal. If the kid was serious about that – as he better be – Gakuhou would have to make sure he’d become even more disciplined than he was now.

He was about to leave, but as he glanced once more at the sleeping boy, he couldn’t help pausing. How relaxed that face was in deep sleep, how young… all that sharpness that made Gakushuu rise above his age group lost. He remembered suddenly the little child who struggled to sleep. The patter of small feet in the middle of the night, as Gakushuu ran to him and snuggled up close.

He had been, back then, so very accommodating. Spoiling the kid, really. He should have told him to go to sleep in his own bed.

…then again, Gakushuu did always fall asleep quite fast after coming to his father, his head resting on Gakuhou’s shoulder, small hands squeezing his. And he had learned to sleep in his own bed, hadn’t he? No harm done in the long run, maybe. Certainly he would never again ran to sleep with his father, that was for sure.

Seconds ticked by, and Gakuhou stood still, watching the sleeping child.

This boy… would reach his goal someday. He would reach the top. Be strong. Not dependent of anyone or anything. He would not be someone anyone could kick down, no; he would be the one who could kick down anyone he wanted to.

He would survive, no matter what the cost.

Gakuhou stood still, watching the sleeping child.

That day would come, he knew it. And he would be so proud then – not that he would ever let Gakushuu see that. That was nothing but useless sentimentalism from his part, not something this boy – then a man – would need.

He would be so proud… so why was there something cold within him now, an empty ache that made him rub his fingers together, remembering the touch of a small hand in his own?

~~~~~~~

And that is as much as I’ve written of this. But here’s the song (in my translation) and my thoughts about the rest of it.

I feel cold at the sheer thought of victory I feel cold thinking of the moment of reaching the goal

Those two lines are, obviously, the beginning of the fic. That’s how far I got. XD I feel that, funnily enough, these two have the same goal: Gakushuu becoming strong enough to rise above anyone, even his father. After all, isn’t this why Gakuhou is doing it all, to make sure his son (and the majority of his students) become as strong as possible?

The next part would have been about Gakuhou, quite obviously, I think:

When you’d see all your thoughts in the right light How inadequate is your love, how ignorant your knowledge

The only question is, how much would it take for him to realize this? Maybe sometimes, in the dark hours of the night when he watches his sleeping child, there is doubt within him, but does he listen to that? Certainly not, such thoughts are nothing but a weakness that needs to be suppressed.

And then we would be back to Gakushuu, who to his dismay at some point would realize how similar he really is to his father – of course he is not his father, we know this, but does he see it too? Sometimes people might look at him with similar expressions as they look at his father, and that makes him wonder.

And did I realize it only now I’m no more remarkable than you You, who I’ve always hated Despised and feared

Where does it all lead to? What is, ultimately the point of all the efforts? Sometimes, Gakushuu might start doubting it all. Just how remarkable is either of them, really…

We, two wretches Hanging side by side And after we’ve trashed our time We’re thrown into a hole

And there are times when Gakushuu despairs. He tries to hang onto his goal, but it feels impossible. How far? How far does he still have to go to reach his goal? No matter how great his achievements are, his father remains unreachable. No matter how much he struggles, nothing ever changes.

From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north

And even though he excels in everything, that doesn’t mean everything is easy. He keeps up the façade of perfection, but ultimately it’s only that. A façade.

Who demands for an easy song In the senseless world Where every song is difficult to sing Even if it’s only a beautiful lie

And let’s not even get into what lies within his father, all hidden under a façade not so different from Gakushuu’s (snakes, centipedes, big difference)

Who demands you to say what storms in your chest When in the twisted world of your chest There are a million snakes, tangled up.

And always, always, his father remains unreachable. How could he not? He’s decades older, he has already accomplished so much, everything Gakushuu can do, his father has done long ago. Ren is the one who points out something to him, when he is (in an uncharacteristically weak, embarrassing moment) fretting about all that to his best friend (and only to his best friend.)

Everything you do has been done Everything you see has been seen Everything you touch Has been touched by many hands But not with your hands Not with your eyes Not within you Before you do it yourself

But of course, Gakushuu being Gakushuu, he simply concludes that this means it doesn’t matter if his father has done something before him, as long as he does it better than his father.

And so he keeps on going… and going. And going. But how far?

From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north To the north, to the north…

Here's the song on youtube, Kuoleman risteyksestä kolme virstaa pohjoiseen:

(about the song, the first minute and a half is kinda weird, I give you that XD)