#i've considered what primals based on them would be like

[capsicrew]

I have conceptualized ideas on if they had lost the fight to Light in ShB.

Jalliim-- Forgiven Naivety; Noticeably taller and thinner with a more traditional "angelic" appearance (feathered wings n such) but with a golden blindfold over its eyes. Still summons a "fairy" aetheric being that acts as an extension of its power and presence--looks like the Seraph summon but with more of that... sineater creepiness. Not openly aggressive, but presents an inherent danger as it actively seeks out the injured and sick to 'heal' them with Light. Sounds of distress or pain keenly draw its attention. Difficult to fight due to acting as a duo with its Seraph, and extensive use of magical barriers. If finally pushed to attack, it attacks with flurries of small-sized magical projectiles. Largely sticks to the Il Mheg area, but absolutely would venture away if seeking those needing healing.

Capsisi-- Forgiven Judgement; the change into a sineater would've had negligible change on her height-- she remains quite small. Her appearance has changed to be more bestial with a slick physique, and exceptionally sharp claws. It is extremely fast and strikes with deadly precision--but its greatest danger is silence and stealth. Many that would die at its hands would not have even known the sineater was present. However, the saving grace is that it does not actively seek out non-sineaters and is only known to attack on those intruding in its 'territory,' which mostly make up various islands that still stand around the south of Kholusia, only occasionally coming to the Kholusian shore.

Kola-- Forgiven Audacity; perhaps what you might expect if Gilgamesh was a sineater. Broad and towering with 8 arms, holding a plethora of golden weapons. Goes all-out in battle and is highly aggressive once provoked--sometimes there may not even be enough left of the target to turn into another sineater. However, it does not actively start fights and only becomes aggressive if challenged, or presented with what it could interpret as a challenge (engaging it with a weapon or otherwise standing in active defiance). It has been known to entirely ignore people and creatures that run away, or who are very close but do not fight (even if they're not hiding). Though, of course, the presence of a lightwarden always comes with other trouble, so even without the fight, having it in the area can be a danger--such as the attraction of lesser sineaters, or just the affect so much Light can have. Interestingly, its impending arrival to an area often comes pre-warned by a vaguely humanoid figure made entirely of black shadow. It seems unable or unwilling to communicate and is mostly aggressive--attempting to scare away any people in an area where Forgiven Audacity will soon appear with threats of violence--but has never seriously harmed anyone at all (maybe a little roughing up). Attempts to fight it are fruitless, as enough of an attack will cause it to simply dissipate like smoke. But it nevertheless reappears just before the lightwarden's next appearance. They tend to stick to the wetlands mostly around Rak'tika but also into Lakeland.

Beutiq-- Forgiven Ennui; Perhaps the most human-looking of the 5 of them. Minus the change in clothes, it looks almost exactly as Beutiq did, only now with the porcelain-white skin. The rings in his eyes and the markings around them now shimmering gold... but with no mouth. The most unaggressive of them as well--never hunting or attacking and only fighting when defending itself. However, it could potentially be one of the most dangerous. It is the most prolific in the creation of lesser sineaters. Making them out of living creatures, but also fabricating a veritable army of "inanimate" sineaters out of whatever material or debris it can find--even raising sineater golems (the likes which we see in Malikah's Well) out of the earth, if pressed. These creations act as any other sineaters do, not following their creator's mode of passivity. Anywhere the lightwarden wanders, they are all around. Elsewise it slowly wanders around, seemingly aimlessly, and only occasionally stops to create new sineaters when it comes across anything of interest. Keeps a wide range of wandering, largely in the nothern reaches of Ahm Areng and the southern parts of Lakeland.

Ejvi-- Forgiven Suffering; very bestial in form, like a large werewolf or monstrous bear or... well a big mix of terrible things. Though even with its clear physical abilities, it remains very adept at magic-like attacks. It still retains Ejvi's preference to blue magic spells--though at this point, it isn't casting 'true' blue magic, but Light-based spells in the appearance of those spells. Especially those that were already light-adjacent... Saintly Beam is a common one. And all the more powerful for the transformation. Probably the most aggressive of them all--combating anyone it comes across with fierce tactics and lacking mercy. Bestial in nature as well, though, so managing to avoid its detection is the best method. It sticks to Novrandt's northeast, maybe just a bit into Rak'tika's eastern boarder, so by ill fate or good fortune is there little population in the area for it to harass. Edit: Just an addition to add that Ejvi's transformation into a sineater completely severed the connection to her reaper avatar. She retains the prowess and skills in physical combat, but the avatar is entirely removed.

10/11/23

Does your wol(co) have a monster form? an AU?

[auspicioustidings]

We talk a lot about Ghost teaching Soap. But Soap makes Captain right? So Price teaching Soap? Price teaching Soap how to take care of his ‘belongings’. Price showing Soap how to treat you right? 👀🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe? Maybe not? I dunno 🤷🏻‍♀️

First off read this immediately because it serves these vibes way better than I ever could like truly Bunny is God's gift to thirsty PriceSoap girlies.

I cannot prepare a dish quite as satisfying but here is a short little tease anyway! Sorry I cannot actually write smut rn, I'm ill and pathetic about it.

Affirm

Words: 700

CWs: light bdsm

“Right, the two of you in my office now.”

You bristled. How was it that you were getting into trouble here? This was all stupid Soap's fault. It was him that started it. 

The two of you were constantly at each other's throats these days. Wasn't really professional but then you hated that he kept talking down to you. The way the word corporal came out of his damn mouth was always with a smug arrogance that made you want to go for blood. 

It wasn't like you bit back during an actual op, you both knew better than that. But he pushed and pushed and pushed whenever you had down time at base and you weren't about to let it go unanswered. Fucking asshole. And now he was getting you into trouble with the Captain? God he was the worst.

“Captain he-”

“Don't want to hear it Corporal.”

“Aye too fucking right, dinnae want te-”

“You can shut the fuck up as well. Pair of absolute muppets.”

Price ripped open one of his desk drawers and produced a bottle of Scotch, pouring himself a glass and sitting in his chair regarding the two of you across the table. Both of you knew you were in for it, standing at attention and keeping your mouths shut while he took a languid sip.

“Cannot believe I've been put in this situation again. Did you know I had Ghost and Gaz standing right where you are now? Before either of you joined. They just couldn't get along.”

That was a surprise. Ghost and Gaz got along just fine now. You couldn't really imagine a world in which they fought the way you and Johnny did. Sure they might have some little arguments, but whenever it happened they would go off and have a chat and come back settled. There was no way you and Johnny being alone would settle anything.

“You know why they get along Sergeant?”

“Gaz kens who's in charge.”

Johnny sounded almost resigned? Something was happening, he knew something you didn't. You hated that, you hated how Price spoke to him as if you weren't even in the room.

“Hm. And who's in charge between the two of you then?”

You felt a shiver run up your spine at how Price said it, his voice in a low purr that spoke to some primal part of your brain. What the fuck? Why did you feel suddenly like this was a dangerous situation? You considered speaking up but could only yelp in surprise when Johnny kicked one of your legs to put you off balance and bent you over the desk.

Your heart was liable to beat itself into an early grave. You looked at your Captain and found he only watched, sipping his drink. You twisted to look at Johnny who was holding both of your wrists in one of his hands. 

��I'm in charge. Affirm corporal.”

Oh God, you didn't think you had ever heard Soap with that level of authority in his voice. Only all it made you want was to get him to do it again. You needed him to do it again, to put you in your place.

“Fuck you."

The first smack to your ass was hard enough that you jolted forward and your hip bone smashed into the desk. 

“Affirm corporal. Ye ken who's In charge, now say it.”

Oh this was several shades of fucked up but my God if you didn't crave more. You needed it, you needed him to break you into pieces so he could put them back together. You needed the freedom that came with being shattered.

You fought against him until Price finally guided him to be harder with you, to really let you have it. And he had. He had destroyed you fully, left you a boneless raw mess. Then Price had guided him to bring you back. 

It settled you. For weeks you and Johnny existed in peace with one another, calm. And when you started to butt heads again? Well, Johnny had learned exactly how to handle that.

[thepowerofyes]

✨️

The FARCRY Protagonists - Pony Version

Part 1: Dani, Ajay, and Rex / Lucky Star, Golden Lotus, Cybercommando

The basis of this ponification AU is that the protagonists end up in the same spot, fighting the same common enemy. I won't say who or what just yet, but I will say that it's given hope to ponies to see that an assembly of characters who have served in practically saving their people. They have their own interactions and relationships with one another that I'm excited to show/talk about !

A little note: Cybercommando won't actually be involved all too much, if at all. He, like Takkar and the Security Captain, come from alternate (or in Takkar's case, past) timelines. This is hard to work with. I love Blood Dragon, New Dawn, and Primal so much - But unfortunately it may just be Lucky Star, Golden Lotus, Starstriped Trees (MY Deputy who is, ironically, Native American/Mexican and not typically American) and Travelhooves (Jason Brody). Their designs next.

Some character design points and conversation:

Lucky Star is my absolute favorite out of these three, in terms of how I've ponified her (though probably in terms of character - No offense to the other two, but she's very awesome). Lucky Star is I feel a spot-on name. The other names I'm ehhh about, especially Cybercommando, but considering everything, I like them.

Lucky Star is covered in blue paint - That isn't actually what she's colored like. She's naturally orange and white. Golden Lotus, on the other hand, was born with the silky golden stripes and patterns. LittleLotus - Bhadra - Is often painted with gold paint to mirror him (when she's needed to be the Tarun Matara).

Lucky Star's colors are brighter and based on tropical color palettes. Her cutie mark reflects this.

Cybercommando's cutie mark is on the wrong side - He was created this way. When he was an "organic", he was normal. And on that topic - Before being turned INTO a Cybercommando, he was just an earth pony ! His name is also simply Rex, but he's called Cybercommando as a form of respect.

Lucky Star's chest is fluffy, as seen here, but generally she's not really a fluffy pony. She was made to withstand the heat. Golden Lotus is fluffy. He was made for the cold. Cybercommando, he makes do with everything.

Cybercommando is the only one with both wings and a horn. But both are false, so they don't work as well as they would. No matter to him, he's practically invincible in his head.

[celestiall0tus]

Bloody Bug - Power Upgrades

I've gone over the unifications and other aspects of Bloody Bug that differ from canon, but one I've neglected is the power upgrades for the holders. Where the show had the temp power-ups like Aqua and Ice forms, it works so much differently in Bloody Bug. So, let's get into it.

Summary:

This system is a mix of the concept from Miraculous AU where the team gets stronger as they get closer to their kwamis and use their powers more, along with Salvation's Avatars in term of power scaling and means of acquiring. To move up through the stages, a holder must consume a special elixir that attunes them to the kwamis, making them stronger and unlocking new abilities.

There are four known stages with a secret fifth and sixth. I'm going to break them down here and highlight what each stage offers.

Sage 1:

These are the most basic holder and what you'd find in canon, minus the ability to unify. As of season 3, these holders include Harlequin, Pom Pom, and Outlaw. Hawkmoth is technically here too, but no one cares about him.

Stage 2:

This is the first big upgrade that offers that ability to unify up to 3 kwamis. It also unlocks passive powers based on the animal of the kwami. As some examples:

Bomb Bee can hover, walk on walls and ceilings much like a bug, and can't be exhausted or fatigued while transformed

Death Noire can scale walls and cling to ceilings using claws, has further enhanced jump, speed, and agility, and see in the dark

Porcelet has incredible smell, fantastic memory, and enhanced hearing.

Gallic Chick can glide, use her heels as spurs for another weapon, and can crow

These holders are also stronger than the basic holder in terms of general strength, with certain animals giving them more of an edge, like the cat and the pig in terms of enhancements.

Stage 3:

Next tier offers the Amalgamation unifications, which is technically a 5 kwami fusion, but also grants access to 4 kwami fusions too. This is the tier where the enhanced strength, speed, etc. carries over to their de-transformed selves. Even as civilians, they superhuman at this stage.

This is also when they gain more passive abilities but based on their concept rather than the animals. Examples of this include:

Taureau possessing an indomitable will (which, yes, would negate the peacock's control over him), fear immunity, and hope empowerment.

Bloody Bug able to create small, permanent charms and items like LB in canon with her warding charms, being a source of raw creative energy inspiring all around her, and utilize creation based attacks.

Stage 4:

Stage 4 is considered the highest by the Order of the Guardians (though they be wrong) and used only for Guardians themselves and Enforcers. Wang Fu would be a Guardian while Su-Han is an Enforcer. This stage again makes them strong both transformed and civilian. It's also the stage where a holder truly starts becoming one with their kwami, getting incredible powers. It is also when a holder can use their powers without limited uses.

The first of these is Primal forms. This can be done with any kwami, but is taking on the holder unless done with a kwami they are close to. So, for Wang Fu, transforming into a Fox Primal was taxing on him opposed to if he used Wayzz instead.

This also provides special benefits to the holder if they possess a deep bond with the kwami. Like Wang Fu and Wayzz, which grants Wang Fu long life and makes him resistant to attacks.

Stage 5:

One of the lost stages recently rediscovered by the holder known as Mayura. This tier is unknown to the benefits it offers save for this one fact:

This is one of the final steps to becoming fully-attuned to the kwamis and a step towards the final step of godhood.

[bugsb1te]

Was apart of the petre community longer and way before I was apart of the therian community so I gotchu bro

There's not a lot of resources for specifically pet regression since age regression overlaps with it quite a lot and so it's often paired with agere even if it is it's own thing

General regression definition is that :

Regression is when someone regresses either into a younger mindset or into an animal mindset either to cope with mental disorders or stress or it can be recreational. Regression can be both involuntary and voluntary and regression is always sfw and should not be associated with nsfw at all 🚫

Pet regression is when someone regresses into a more animal like mindstate. It's been described as feeling hazy or like one is in a dream and a lot of behaviors become more primal and tied to instinct where you're no longer really thinking like a human but more animal, not unlike a mental shift actually! But with pet regression it's usually a lot more like- softer sometimes (in my experience, can vary for everyone) and the term is called [xanimal]space or headspace instead of mental shift and you usually feel more younger than what a mental shift would feel (think of pupspace instead of a wolf mental shift). These animalistic behaviors when you're in this softer headspace can mimic other animals and for pet regression in specific, claiming a "pet-type" is taken a lot more casually than theriotypes (usually based off vibes) and so even if you may be a dog therian, you could also regress to a bunny because it just feels nice because one of the biggest reasons other people pet regress is because of the comfort it gives people so if you wanna be a little baby bunny even if it's not your theriotype because it makes you happy then go for it dude!

Also pet regression isn't just limited to domestic animals! I was a dragon regressor (among other things) and I've seen unicorn regressors on reddit

Also unlike mental shifts, most times, apart of the petre community culture is voluntarily inducing the headspace (even if it can be involuntary) by watching cartoons or looking at moodboards of baby puppies or playing puppy games and stuff.

Petre gear is honestly similar to therian gear, you have the ear headpands and the tails and collars are very common. Also chewelry and even actual pet toys. Sometimes, because of the overlap with agere, some pet regressors also use adult deco pacifiers and baby bottles.

There's honestly more I could prolly rant about but I hate being a yapper 😭 so if you have any questions, I'll answer them through ask !

In terms of community, I'd suggest maybe make a sideblog for trying out pet regression (if you want too) and look through the pet regression tags ! The tumblr regression community has always been the most active next to Instagram. There's also ageretwt / petretwt if you wanna try Twitter, also check out r/copingthruregression on reddit too

One more thing is that, because you're a minor, even if petre is mostly populated by others your age range and even if it's a sfw community, please be super careful with weirdos ! Creeps will be in every community so just yea- be cautious ! Not all adults are horrible but basic internet safety 101 and all that. Also if you end up feeling like the petre community is something you wanna delve deeper into than I would recommend not to get a caregiver or a handler just yet (cause of ur age) but it's really up to you, or if you do want to have someone take care of you like that, try and consider a close friend !

But yea that's my yap fest ✌️

HOLY MOLY TYSM THIS WAS SO HELPFUL 😭😭❤️❤️❤️💞💞💞

[ruelpsen]

2, 41, 53 and 62!

2) Have you ever humped a pillow until you came? Would you?

Considering that grinding on objects is a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine, absolutely. It's not something I do often, but I really love the feeling of primal desperation it gets going in me!

41) What’s the best orgasm you had in past months?

Funny enough, this answer was one that got a slight mention on here a few weeks ago. Forgive me for bringing up That Alien Guy Once More, but on the one night I had to myself fairly recently, I got out my favorite toy and had some fun with it while listening to some burp audios. Despite it being my favorite toy, I rarely use it because it's kinda loud (it sucks and vibrates) and because ngl I have a hard time keeping myself quiet when I use it. Anyway I was using that and listening to audios, and wound up also imagining my fave belching up a storm while sucking me off. Needless to say, I came HARD from all that. Not just the best orgasm I've had in the past few months, but probably my second-best ever!

53) Do you like to be intoxicated during sex? How? Why?

I know soooo many people into burping and/or bloating/stuffing are also really into intox but for better or worse I am not among them. I don't drink bc knowing my impulse control and family history, I'd be doomed to become an alcoholic if I ever started drinking, so I never touch the stuff. So yeah, no drunk sex for me. High sex though? I've never done it with another person but based on solo horny experiences while high, I'd be so down to try it. The thought of high, horny, stuffed, belchy sex has been a bigger fantasy of mine lately, after all...

62) What is a sex-challenge you would create? Would you do it with your partner or solo?

Maybe it's a little masochistic of me, but I'd love for a partner to challenge me to see how long I could last while getting jerked off and stuffed. I'm talking not just orgasm denial, but making it a no-burp challenge too, with punishments (getting hit and/or forced to eat more) if I belch or cum without permission. The longer I last, the more help my partner would give me with finishing me off and getting the burps out once they decide the time is right.

[desertdragon]

Small post but even though I've discussed this before it's only recently I've thought of it this way- since Vaste was made part Primal/a demi-Primal a friend brought up if she can also temper people. Now that I think about it that is what her "gives people their own powers based on her connection to them" can be considered. So I want to write it in as such from now on instead of it just being a skill she gained with no tie to her new nature.

Being able to "eat" others by reducing them to aether is a newer idea in that vein of acting more like what she's been touched by. Since Primals draw on the aether of the land and all things around them which is why they're so dangerous. It would also be an add on to her already increased calorie need as a demi-Primal; to the point of cannibalism if necessary.

But back to the tempering aspect, yes it's "like" that, but only in the sense it's a passive AoE ability. It doesn't control people not just because she isn't a full Primal, but because it's not a skill born from a desire to control others either. The instinct for control is changed into wanting to protect loved ones. There's still enough humanity left for her personality to have a say in some of her changed impulses.

Giving people their own powers is a means of protecting them by making them just enough like her that they're less able to be physically hurt. But the mental cost is still that they become anything like her inhuman (as she sees it) state to begin with.

[liskantope]

The most fascinating paragraph to me from that article on trans children and children's rights which I've been recently talking about is this one:

According to its author, Max Fox, the “primal scene” of the current political panic about transness is:

>a hypothetical question from a hypothetical child, brought about by the image of gender nonconformity: a child asks about a person’s gender, rather than reading it as a natural or obvious fact.

In other words, by asking “are you a girl or a boy?” (in my case non-hypothetically), the child reveals their ability to read, question and interpret – rather than simply register factually – the symbolisation of sexual difference in this world. This denaturalises the “automatic” gender matrix that transphobes ultimately need to believe children inhabit. It introduces the discomfiting reality that young people don’t just learn gender but help make it, along with the rest of us [...]

I'm not going to have the most charitable or understanding-in-context read on this here, but it leaves me scratching my head a bit, especially when I consider it in the broader context of our whole current gender identity debate. The "in my case non-hypothetically" parenthetical refers to the story that opened the article, about how the author got approached on the subway by a child asking about their gender, where it's made clear that the child approached them (a total stranger) because of their unusual gender presentation. And what strikes me as strange about their line of reasoning is that that child did in fact read the author's gender as a natural or obvious fact (or rather a sort of converse: since this adult's gender was not obvious from their presentation, the child's usual gender reading failed to produce an output of "man" or "woman"). In other words, the child had a sense that men look one way and women look another way, so they were confused and curious at the sight of someone who looked neither way and were open to the idea that this stranger might be neither a man nor a woman.

The most traditional ideas of gender dictate that it is determined by genitalia, full stop; one could argue this involves a sort of rote memorization and information that must be "registered factually" based on accounts of who has what genitalia even though that isn't a characteristic that we can usually directly see when we meet someone new. A much more progressive idea of gender identity (and much closer to what ideally makes sense to me) is that we all have some general shared idea of what manliness and womanliness (and everything in-between or outside of this binary) are in terms of characteristics that we can see from someone's appearance, presentation, and various other superficial characteristics, which do not necessarily align with genitalia and in some cases can't align perfectly with each other but in an ideal situation can still be "read" by strangers. I would think this is kind of what the writer wants as well. But in that case gender still is something to be read as a natural and obvious fact. (In fact, it's again arguably more superficially and immediately obvious than someone's genitalia or what they are recorded as or how they were assigned as birth!) Sure, there's a difference in that the traditional thing may feel more like criteria established by fiat (this anarchist-ish writer might say "by the state" or something) while the more progressive norm clearly has somewhat more vagueness and flexibility and feels more free-thinking in the moment (you try to read and speculate what someone's gender might be rather than have someone tell you "woman because female sexual characteristics"). But both are about something that can be read as a natural fact about a person.

Contrast that to the way I often hear people in the trans movement talk about having gender identity recognized -- this is particularly jarring in what some circles are trying to normalize when it comes to asking/sharing about pronouns -- where gender identity is treated as an entirely internal, inaccessible characteristic of someone which should be treated as completely independent of anything another person might observe about them, until they tell you what their gender is. This would be a framework in which we do not read gender "as a natural and obvious fact", as the author says they wish. But then, a child who is as wise about gender as the author wants us to view the child in the story as being would be going around asking all the strangers on the train, however conventional they looked, about whether they're a girl or a boy, rather than picking out the one stranger who blatantly appeared to fit neither category.

It's another example of how the way progressives talk about gender nowadays feels hopelessly confused. And for me it's all dovetailed with my own early personal history with being very slow as a young child to learn how to read gender: it all felt like completely arbitrary categories to me, and I had to be coached even I think through the ages of 4 and 5 to recognize all the signs of being a man or being a woman. (Of course this was the early 90's, and this should be instructed in a different way now.) This was treated at the time as a developmental issue for me that had to be worked on, and the interesting thing is that I expect it would still be treated as a developmental issue for a small child today. Anyway, it doesn't seem that the writer of the article would look at 5-year-old Liskantope and mark him as somehow wiser than most of the grown-ups on gender because he doesn't resort to "reading it as a natural and obvious fact".

[anatthema-art]

actually yknow what, i originally reblogged this without any sort of additions but i've been thinking about this a lot since i reblogged it and i actually am realizing i think this exact desire is the basis behind the sorts of fandoms that are build upon hundreds of personalized AUs of the The Same Guy. (your sans-es, your oncelers, you get it)

now, i've never personally been too entrenched in any fandoms like this, but i have a friend (@sugarsnap-caely) who's super deep in the jacksepticeye ego fandom, and they currently play their au of Marvin in a dnd game we're both in! and it's really fun! i love the character, and he's very much becoming a blorbo for me despite not having anything to do with the fandom. and it's really really cool following them and seeing them reblog content of other people's versions of This Guy because it's like "HEY!!! I KNOW THIS GUY!!! THAT'S MY FRIEND'S OC!!!" but it's like NOT exactly, it hits an interesting in between space between fandom character and oc because it's a much more personalized version of the character so it hits that creative energy of an oc, but it also has a wider community attached where people make fanart and fan content of THEIR versions of That Guy, and so you get that personal love of the character that only you can understand WHILE getting outside content!

i think the wider internet has kinda branded au-based fandoms as "cringe" (the onceler PROBABLY started this level of mass scrutiny i imagine, but also have friends who were IN the onceler fandom and they all constantly talk about how it was one of the best fandoms they've ever been it because it felt like such a cozy community!!! and i think that's really neat!) but i think that sort of reading really misses the way these fandoms actually kind of perfectly fill the exact primal urge to see people make content of Your Guy, while freeing up the chance to MAKE that guy YOUR guy.

I've never really been in those sorts of fandoms as someone who is EXTREMELY oc hyperfixated, and i don't know if i ever COULD be because i personally hold a lot of stake in my ocs being my own, but i think there's a really important niche in the internet ecosystem being filled by these sorts of fandoms and it lowkey makes me wish there was like... something almost a step further? fandoms built on communal ocs owned by no singular person that AREN'T derived from a specific source material. i've been in things like this on a very small discord-server style level (in my OC servers we have a few communal ocs which are for all intents and purposes considered public domain and it's really fun!) but i'd be fascinated to see if this sort of community would be possible on a wider scale because i think AU-based fandoms prove it can exist in SOME capacity!

so mad i have to make content for my ocs. what do you mean he can’t just appear on my dash

[randomclam24]

*continued from last post, all the way at the bottom*

I feel like I've struck *something*. I don't know what. I already made a model like what I'm suggesting with Minecraft in perfecting an optimal strategy to prepare for a voyage through the Nether with more to spare back at base for the Gibdos maze in Majora's Mask. It took more than just charting out what each one wanted and where the items were: it then took an overview process *of* this charting-out in order to determine the best routes. So I've heard since that time that trannies are known for liking speedruns, but insofar as that's the case, it sounds like it's about anal deliberation for its own sake. I don't think this would be accomplished by that. (And then I think that has to do with the mentality of the model of teaching where the computer in programming is to be considered like teaching a gorilla, whereas the actual computer is high-precision unlike living creatures let alone a gorilla who's just going to be acting based on primal urges)

Something like, even evolution is based around the idea of the elites' Order Through Chaos, where it's just assumed order will be achieved by means of this mentality of anal deliberation where the ends are indistinct from the means all by itself (when it's high-agency white people who accomplish this (basically (any host nation that will accomplish these ends for them in their place) *basically*) because they're cold-turkey not going to do it)

It's not really Biblical, but there is the concept that all things are possible through the Lord. In current times, it's more like excuses not to just let automation handle basic things are running out. Essentially any case scenario of "whatever white men can do, xyz can do it better" - and this is precedented with inventions from the cotton era - then why can't automation solve those?

Update I'm just a ranting asshole. Take with a grain of salt, just like I'm saying this on a certain amount of alcohol

The way I'm feeling right now, has anyone ever seriously made a Doom gameplay mod for Minecraft or vice versa, a Minecraft mechanics mod for Doom? Okay

Update When I did my first semester in college, that was before I thought the world went to shit de facto. I still had in the back of my mind the mentality that developed that got me through Philmont in the Boy Scouts. In fact I mentioned that story in that semester's English course, and that teacher happened to favor me a lot because of the impression I made. There's no way I've shown that kind of stamina since, but saying it and leaving it at that also leaves unaddressed the fact that I legitimately think the world's gone to shit and doesn't *warrant* that kind or level of stamina anymore.

One thing that scared me about Philmont was that our backpacks were stuffed with our sleeping equipment so tight, I thought one of these days I won't have it in me to quite stuff it in there anymore. That didn't happen, but it felt like that during the process each day.

I opted out of the showering that was only available at the midpoint after the first week.

Also, I devised a "strategy" of collecting peanut butter packets in my pockets so I would have that for energy anywhere, while no one else in my troop thought it tasted good by itself. I thought that was kind of fun.

Update Club Penguin was a concept remotely like Cyberia from Serial Experiments Lain, and that was shut down in - 2018

7/15 I have the method down for the most part with establishing yourself in Minecraft, with a portal to the Nether, basic farming / ranching and an enchantment table. For the sake of time, I only made the iron chestplate before running off to collect seeds. You can already have a bed made to put wherever you're standing if night falls. But by the time I find the diamonds to make the enchantment table, it's still so early in that you can only get the ranching started with a few animals. But I also found out in the recent two runs that this whole method doesn't guarantee you Lapis Lazuli, because I'm only really digging at the bottom of the map. There's really no surplus of iron yet, so that should be a quest: getting Lapis Lazuli, iron ore, and digging through gravel for flint for arrows. Meanwhile, generations of chickens and cattle still have to grow up on the surface.

Update I got into the Nether with the basic supplies. I don't know if I should wait until I have more or what, because it looks overly precarious getting anywhere that's an actual landmark. Otherwise, I think I'm just giving up on my life. If you shut unshut lying mouths, they win, or something.

Update That's because that would invoke violence, and that would give them the victim narrative they desire.

Use clamps

Update I'm at a point in my life where I can't even conceive of something viable to do to communicate to others

But here, have this, which is easily worth making into a copypasta

Z3j2Q95.png (1200×1620) (imgur.com)

Update I got two Blaze Rods, and so after researching it, the greatest deficiency left is going to be fighting Endermen in order to get random drops of Ender Pearls.

7/16 I haven't played Super Mario Bros. 2, the American release, on NES until now. The level boss theme in its NES original version sounds ominous in a way that stands out if the context doesn't feel as cinematic a moment as what was probably intended. This is the closest effect to what I've found in the Majora's Mask opening chase theme, where it was used again for the giant skeleton chase in Ikana.

Update (Something about it being the end of having any meaning in the universe)

I don't see how I've never seen it said before - I don't know exactly how to express it, but, how are you meant to break it to people that it's not their base behavior itself but their moral sense of right and wrong itself that makes them, especially as a collective, a monster? The evil comes from the executive level.

I don't think liberal jewishness comes from low IQ necessarily. I see it as consciously deliberate.

I think the accusations that I'm going to need to be en-masse arrested come from the very people who know it's in fact that they have it coming to them and will lie out the teeth until death do us part, never admitting it all because they think it's we who have that to admit out of unconscious projection, which all goes uninhibited due to the fact that they've never been confronted before on their beliefs, but only pointless *proxies*. With that said, I don't know why any of us exist. We're all effectively cogs floating in a void without integration as it relates to even a single real topic on the face of the earth, and that's the truth.

I start over again: it's *not* the people who are stupid and act based on low-IQ perspectives. You have to look at bell curve theory and how that expresses that people with 100 IQs tend to have perspectives that coincide with people with 140 and above IQs. That's because the organic use of the scientific method leads to organic conclusions. It's the midwits who have all this chaos coming from them.

*Every* junction a midwit takes with this, "*I* think it's better if we. just" is an unnecessary evil expressed as necessary falsely and doubled down on into gaslighting and conflict. These people shouldn't have authority in any society, especially ours.

Update I've never seen them actually be constructive at any point. It's always them already being completely in over their heads with how I'm fucking up the game game game when I'm *fine* - and then they just keep *ranting*

Update I don't know if it's a special circumstance that things are this way in my case. Like I said, as a general statement, what you see people do that is stupid while drunk I think typically comes from being caught up in the moment, because from my experience in isolation, all this was not the case, and it was as if I would have to be already hallucinating in order to have such a loss of control.

Midwits are the ones having this policy that you can't just do things how you want - you have to stick by a code. I take enough precautions practicing in advance that these situations will not happen except in extreme circumstances, and then I know to stay far away from them when I see it coming.

The best argument against my way of doing things as opposed to just sticking to an arbitrary code for its own sake or whatever the reason is that I'm going to be stuck being "mid", which is pertinently relevant only just recently.

I just don't see it. Where it comes down to extreme circumstances, sticking to a "code" still comes down to a gamble, the same as if you were not.

Update Also consider the position I exist in. You can tackle issues where it's more of a gamble to do so, but other people who are of less agency or just basic awareness of the risks could be encouraged to do the same, anytime. You can't just teach everybody a code.

Update Basically, even Minecraft comes down to that. You can't just take on an Enderman blind cold-turkey and expect to win. There was one time when one was stuck in a cramped spiral staircase I made inside my house to the basement, and I got one that way, but that is never going to be reliable. Now in fact I did establish a sort of code in order to get where I was at. For example, in the Nether, when you have the need to get Blaze Rods from the floating spinning things, they have the ability to move upward or sideways, and I didn't really know if there was splash damage or not, so take the usual strategy of placing a 1x2 pillar between you and a skeleton and modify that to a 2x3 wall to get right behind, with a *very* well-loaded bow. *That* is a code, but I only did it because I thought it was basic enough.

Midwits get the name because they're trying to say sticking to the code yields the results where integrity doesn't.

So I can see how it doesn't make sense if there are people who aren't particularly bright following along with me. I'm trying to say through the alcohol example that I'm assuming a certain level of self-control which may not be *normal* or relatable

But even then, midwits hate those examples of people because of *self*-hatred. They're only looking on the surface to project what they don't like where it's not shown to be there from what they're analyzing. That's all there is to that

Update I think that's what I tried to get at with saying there should be "blueballing" entirely in place of letting midwits especially be allowed to form faux victim complexes. Flush them out the rest of the way with, "get mad, bitch" over the point their story is making - then don't contribute to the frenzy - you don't want to get blamed. Remember "film your professors", because these people are saying exactly what would be wanted of a footsoldier of the state. That's a fact, or has been *so far in my experience.*

[the-lost-girl-in-the-tardis]

Eater Of Time

Pairing: Eleventh Doctor x Gender Neutral Reader

Song: Babylon- Barns Courtney. Darkness of the Day- Cadalay

Warnings:

An: This is something that I plan on re-writing in the future. Maybe even making it into a short story. But it's an idea i've been toying with for a long time now so please consider this as a first draft of sorts. Any feedback will be appreciated.

Tags: @simplymurdock

Word count:4586

Last part first

"Help me. Remind me why I'm here."

-Kim Addonizio, from 'Death Poem', Wild Nights: New and Selected Poems.

"What are they?" Your voice shakes. The creatures in front of you move and shift along the shadows. Their eyes are hungry. Feeding off of the very being of you.

"Eaters of time." The Doctor spoke from beside you. Quiet. Soft. Almost scared if one could believe it. You glance up at him as he still stares back at the creatures.

"Eaters of time?" You ask. One of them lurches forward and the Doctor places you behind him. His sonic whirs uselessly against them. The darkness they spread swallows the little green light. "Doctor." You whisper. "Doctor please. What are they?"

You have never seen that look on his face before. So broken. Empty. You've seen his joy, his anger, his sorrow. This. It.

"They eat time, Y/n. Specifically the time someone has lived. They eat it. Consume it. Almost immortal because of their hunger." He pulls you away from him and towards the open forest the two of you had trekked god knows how long ago. "I'm sorry." He gives you a hug. Presses a kiss to your brow. "I am so sorry. But I need you to run. Go. To the Tardis. She'll take you home."

"I'm not leaving you!" The creatures surge as your voices rises. "Doctor. I will not leave you." You voice is hoarse. Your body strung tight. Muscles and a base primal fear begging you to do just that. Run.

His face hardens and you catch a glimpse of the Doctor that only those who whisper his name in fear have witnessed. Not at you. No. But that foolish heart of yours. The one that begs to stay. To help.

"I need you to run. Now." He begins to push you away from it all. Away from the baying creatures. The forest seems to grow. To swallow the both of you as he pushes you further and further away. "Go! Before they-"

First part second

"Let me sit here, on the threshold of two worlds. Lost in the eloquence of silence."

-Jalalud'din Rumi (1207-1273) 13th century mystic and poet.

"One of the most beautiful forests in this galaxy." The Doctor whirls as he steps in front of you. Throwing the Tardis doors open with a flourish he grins. "Y/n I give you Tenebris Silva."

Beautiful indeed. The forest had a dark ethereal beauty to it. Shadows clung to the spaces in-between. White fog flowed and clung to the trunks of the trees. Deer like animals peered from around them. Their large eyes catching the light from inside the Tardis before darting off into the darkness.

The trees were such a deep green they matched the eternally night sky. The tops brushing the sky as if they were painting the smattering of stars and clouds high above. They moved and swayed with the breeze. Creaked and groaned as the wood fought against the wind far above.

All you could do was look in aw. Spinning on the spot as your feet dug into soft earth and pine needles. The air was so sweet. So clear and clean. It was if you were taking a breath of air for the first time. You breathed in deeply. As if you were trying to etch this air into your lungs. Commit it to memory so you would never forget.

You could hear the Doctor laugh as you did this. You must have looked a little silly you thought. Spinning about like a child. Still, you didn't stop. Trying to drink in every bit of this place you could. Trying to remember it so that one day you could look back. Such a happy memory it would be.

The Tardis doors closed and for a brief moment you were plunged into darkness. The half moon provided little light. As did the stars far away as they were. You jumped when you felt the Doctors hand land on your shoulder. A flashlight was pressed into your hands as the Doctor turned his own on.

"Come along then. There's a cabin here." The two of you began to walk. The Doctor stopped. Muttered to himself then began walking in the complete opposite direction. You couldn't help the laugh that escaped you. "Oh hush you. Unless you don't want to see the once in a lifetime meteor shower." You really did laugh at this.

"You wouldn't." You nudged his shoulder with yours. He tried to keep that angry look on his face but it soon fell.

"No. Not to you." His free arm wrapped around your shoulder. "But you'll love it. When they fall they light up every color you could ever imagine. It's like a firework show but better." His head dipped low. "And I can guarantee whatever you are imagining isn't even going to compare to what you are about to see." He pulled his head up. "Although that doesn't mean that you lack imagination. Or that you don't have a brilliant mind or." You stopped him by shining your flashlight in his face.

"Stop it you." You turn your head shining your light about the lightly worn path the two of you were taking. It was more of a deer trail really. A thin worn dirt path with a decent amount of brush on either side. "How far is it to this cabin?" You shiver. The planet may have an eternal night but it was no colder than a normal night on Earth.

"Not far." The Doctor responded. "Tired already? The fun hasn't even begun! We're supposed to." He stopped. Shined his light away from the path. You followed yours with it.

"Doctor?" You ask. Peering around him as he plucked something off of the brush next to him. You heard him hum as he brought it in front of him so you could see.

"Fabric. That's strange. No one else is supposed to be here. Or have been here for a long time." The fabric was a dark denim. Similar to the jacket you were wearing now. The Doctor moved it about. Checking it every which way. He brought it to his nose and gave it quite the loud sniff.

You arched a brow and chuckled. "That smell any good?" The Doctor looks to you. Shakes his head. He looked as if he were trying to recall something. He pockets the fabric and pulls you along the path.

"It's nothing. Probably. Maybe." The two of you broke through the brush. The tree line opening up to an open field with the cabin in the center of it. The ground breaks off to a cliff face with mountains jutting above the horizon. "And no. It didn't smell good." The both of you laugh.

The cabin is dark and very very big. It toward at least three stories and spread the length of a football field and then some. There was no electricity either. Candles and lanterns lined the walls. The Doctor flicked his sonic as the two of you entered. The inside of the cabin bathed in soft orange light.

The floor was carpeted. Paintings hung on every available inch of wall. Only broken by cabinets or hanging plants. The air smelled of something familiar to you. One you couldn't place.

You took the time to look around while the Doctor scribbled away in what you assumed to be a log book. Like the kind that hotel owners have. You brushed your fingers along the frame of one of the paintings. Was this place a hotel? You would have to ask the Doctor.

"Alright! Off to our rooms then." The Doctor spun bringing his hands together. The lanterns lit themselves as the two of you climbed a flight of stairs to the next floor.

You couldn't help but get a weird sense of deja'vu as you walked. Something bugging you in the the back of your mind. You shrugged your shoulders as a shiver ran down your back. While the Doctor was unlocking the door to one of your rooms you glanced back down the hallway. The further down it went it seemed like the darkness swallowed the light.

Your ears began to ring as your continued to look about. Something. Something wasn't entirely right. One of the lanterns flicked before going out briefly. Cold washed over you and you couldn't help but feel like you were being watched.

"Y/n?" The Doctor's head popped over your shoulder as he looked down the hallway with you. You jumped and spun on the spot. A hand over your know rapidly beathing heart.

"Jesus Doctor! You scared the life out of me." He looked from down the hallway to you. A curious look on his face. 

"Are you alright?" His hands were on your shoulders. Eyes searching your face as if he could find the answer he was looking for there.

"Ya. I." You stuttered out. "I was just lost in thought in all." At this he gave a soft huff. 

"Must have been some thought." His voice was quiet. "Anyways. Your room!" The door swung open to reveal a lavish room. A large canopied bed with sheer, wine red curtains. A dark chestnut chest sat at the end of it. As you walked through the door you saw a plush couch that matched the color of the bed. In the center of the room was a small table with chairs at either side.

"This looks like something my parents would love to be in." You said. You turned. Brushing your hand along the fabric of the couch. Then again. That smell. Something so familiar you could almost place it. It was stronger here. "That being said. It's beautiful Doctor." The Time Lord in question  was leaning against the door frame. A soft smile on his lips. "Thank you for taking me here." You genuinely meant it. Everything this man has shown you. You wish you had more than just words you could say. 

"No need for thanks y/n." He pushed himself away from the doorframe. "Cards?" He pulls a deck from his pocket. How deep those things are you'll never know. You've seen him pull out things that range from childrens toys to tools, and the oddball snack.

"You always win though." You grumbled. "It's not fair." Despite your protests you sat down at the table. The Doctor had already been dealing out the cards.

"Ace of spades?" You asked with a yawn. The cards blurred in your hand. It could have been ace of spades. It could have been the queen of hearts. 

"Go fish." Another yawn. You pull out a card from the half hazard pile on the table. 

"Doctor?" You ask. Shuffling the cards around in your hand. You had well over ten cards. Maybe more. The Doctor hummed in response. "It's late." You laid the cards face down on the table.

The Doctor turned his wrist. Checking the time. "That it is." He shuffled his cards. Picked his head up.  "Oh." His mouth rested in a small o. Slightly looking away. "Oh! You need to sleep!" He laid his own cards down. Standing up as he took in your tired state. Head rested on your hand. Eyes struggling to stay open. Slightly nodding as you tried to stay within the waking world. "Oh you need to get to bed." 

You were laughing as the Doctor lifted you to your feet. "Come on to bed with you." You through your jacket on the table. "Humans. Really I forget sometimes." You doubted that. The poor man was apologizing left and right as you unlaced your boots. Tossing them to the left of you somewhere. 

"Doctor its fine." You were sat on the edge of the bed. You almost sunk into it the mattress was so soft. "Really." Instead of listening he was rattling off everything that could happen with sleep deprivation and "Really. It's ridiculous how much you lot need to sleep. Oh what am I going to do." You tuned him out after a bit.  Instead choosing to lay back onto the bed.

There. Again. That familiar scent. Sort of woodsy. It was clean and bright with something spiced at the end. What was it? You turned your head.

Oh. Your bag.

When did you bring that?

Sure enough there was your backpack. The poor thing was worn in a lot of places but you used it every time you stayed the night somewhere. It was essentials mostly. Toiletries. Extra clothes. Phone charger and camera. And your perfume.

You sat up abruptly. The Doctor stopped his rambling then. He was watching you as you pulled the bag into your lap. You were digging around when he came next to you. There. The bottle.  

You pulled your perfume out of the bag and looked at the bottle. It was something you used almost all the time. This one was brand new though.

The bottle was halfway empty. Did you put the wrong one in?

"When did I bring this?" You whispered to yourself. Head tilting as you tried to remember when you had packed the bag let alone brought it with you. The Doctor said nothing as you placed the bottle back inside the bag. There was something in the air between the two of you. Something you were both forgetting. Something important.  

"Time for bed. Ya?" You spoke after a moment. You looked up at the Doctor. The two of you staring at one another for a moment. Something unspoken passing between the both of you. 

"Sleep well. I'm right across the hall." The Doctor told you. You didn't move even after he had left the room. The smell of chocolate and patchouli lingering in the room when he did. It fades after a few minutes. 

You're sat at the edge of the bed. The pajama's you planned to change into sitting in your lap. There was just something you were unable to shake. How was it you were able to smell your perfume when you've never been here before? And your bag. How was it here? You didn't remember grabbing it when you left the Tardis.

And that scrap of fabric. The one the Doctor had tucked away.  " No one else is supposed to be here. Or have been here for a long time." The Doctors words echo in your thoughts. Then how was it here? Just how long has this planet been alone for? 

A once in a lifetime experience. Then how come there wasn't more people? This place could house hundreds upon hundreds of people and their families. 

You change into sweats and a long sleeve t shirt.  Laying your old clothes on the table you had been playing cards on just moments ago. Your jacket. You couldn't help but stare. Something you wore quite often. An unassuming piece of fabric you had never really given a second thought to before. 

You shook your head and laughed at yourself. You were being silly. Thinking to deeply into something that wasn't event there. Drawing the covers back you crawl into bed. The Sheets were smooth and silky. Soft against you as you sunk down into the mattress.

Sleep came quickly and easily. Your body and mind to tired to be able to do much else. 

Second part Third

"I am fragile and Unholy. Open. Ravage. Eat."

-Tanaka Mhishi, Literary sexts II ( Via Ghost tears)

Something was horribly wrong.  What it was he didn't know. And oh how he hates not knowing. Especially  when the lives of one of his companions were on the line.

There were clues here. Blaringly obvious clues that go together. He just couldn't figure out how. There, in the woods. A scrap of fabric torn from y/n's jacket. It was clearly theirs. The scent of their perfume still clung to it. And it was here to, in the hotel. It floated in the air so thickly he could almost taste it.  What was normally a scent he found comforting and refreshing turned his stomach.

Why. Just why would they do that? Why would they do something that made it so clear that they were here before? 

Then there was the ledger. Names upon names from hours ago. The planet had a day night cycle that would last one earth week before plunging back into the day. They're names were at the top. So why was it dark? 

The Doctor found himself leaving his room. Stopping momentarily in front of y/n's door. His ear pressed against the wood. He could hear their breathing. The soft speaking they always did. Although they didn't admit it. Safe. They should be safe for now.

He opened one door. Then another. And another. 

Each one was filled to the brim of life. A lack of people but clearly it had been lived in not to long ago.

The last door he checked he opened so harshly it smacked against the walls. The door bouncing back with a mock laughter as he entered. His sonic went wild as he scanned the room. His twin hearts began their panicked beating before his own thoughts could catch up.

They needed to leave. And now.

 Chronophage.  Chronophage . Chronophage . Chronophage .

The words were painted on every single wall and every available surface there was.  The Doctor brushed his fingers against the paint. It was tacky. Not quiet dried yet. 

"Time eater." His body rushed with cold. "Time eater." He spoke again.

That 's why. Oh they were most defiantly here before. It could have been days. Weeks. Months.  The Doctor turned on heel. Running back down the length of the hallway.  There was no knowing on how long it has been. But he knew that y/n had less time to give. They could gorge themselves on the lives he's lived. Let them take it all.

But them? Oh gods not them.

He was rounding the corner when he heard it. Palm pressed against the wall as he steadied himself. Paintings fell. Crashed to the floor. 

His body when ridged when a shrill scream echoed down the hall. 

If he could he would have ran faster. Willed his body to do so. Praying with the names he knew that they would be ok.

Crashing and banging. 

"Doctor!"

He has never heard them scream like that.

.

Something had woken you from your sleep. It wasn't that uncommon for you to wake multiple times when in a new place. You body to on edge to truly fall into a deep sleep. Every strange noise would have you tossing and turning. 

So the next time you woke you took  a moment to just lay there. Eyes closed as you listened to the sounds around you. There was the softness of your breathing. The creaking of the hotel settling. Somewhere outside and animal bayed. Calling out to the moon that filtered light through the curtains canopying your bed.

You were warm and comfortable. Cradled by the thick blankets and pillows surrounding you. You breathed in deeply. Sighed. Another deep breath and.

What was that?

Fabric rustled in front of you. The sound of skin gliding across silken material hit your ears next. You stilled. Cold washing over you as your began to realize that you were not alone.  The bed dipped next to you. The wood creaking and groaning from the added weight.

Your breathing stuttered. Everything stilled. 

For a moment you tried to convince yourself that it was the Doctor. That he was just playing a cruel joke on you. But you couldn't find the smell of chocolate and patchouli. A scent you found comforting. Safe.

No. No. No.

Something hovered above your cheek. Something so cold you could feel it before it even touched you.

Your body wound itself tightly. Your heart pounding a rhythm in your chest. Your fist balled beneath your pillow. 

And with a yell you struck. Cried out. 

The creature screamed as it scrambled backwards. Taking the curtains and the blankets with it. 

Move. You needed to move.

You were glued to the spot. Sitting near the edge of the bed but to terrified to move. You tried to. Tried to at least yell. To cry out for the Doctor.

Everything stilled. 

The fabric on the floor moved. Going up like a joked attempt of a sheet ghost before falling away from the figure it was draped on.

It was tall and skinny. Skin going from hues of grey to a deep rich black. That black seemed to swallow it. To consume the room. You could almost feel it. It was so close to being tangible that you could feel pinpricks hit your skin. It was painful. Almost fire like.

It's head tilted. Golden eyes widening when it saw you move. Just a twitch of your leg.

It leaned forward.

Move.

It's hand brushed the now bare mattress.

Move.

The darkness followed with it. Flowed over the white of the mattress.

MOVE!

And you did. Falling backwards onto the floor before scrambling to your feet. The creature stood to move with you but got caught on the railings for the curtains. You took this brief moment to grab your boots before darting to the door.

A shrill scream left you lips when you heard it growl and snarl. It toppled the bed in its anger. The tables and chairs being thrown to the side as you crossed the threshold of the door.

"Doctor!" A sob tore through your throat. Nothing but desperation left your lips.

'"Y/N!" The Doctor caught you in his arms. Held you closely as your body shook. "We have to go. We need to go. Now." The both of you turned towards what was once your room. The creature inside was yelling. Crying. Upset that you had left.

Quickly you pulled your boots on. Allowing the Doctor to take you hand the two of you ran from the hotel. Down the halls. All but flying down the stairs and towards the large double doors the two of you had crossed not long ago.

Third part Last

"If there is a light then I am going to swallow it. If there is a god then i'm going to make him cry."

-s.osborn, from "blasphemies as the 5th street station, " published in The Rising Phoenix review (vialifeinpoetry) 

The forest was dark. Deep and heavy as it swallowed the both of you. The creatures would not leave you be. They followed every step you took. Swallowed every sound you made. The two of  you were prey in the worst way possible. A horrid game of cat and mouse as they turned you around again and again.

The Doctor had explained the best he could. These paradoxil creatures. That the two of you had lived this moment more than once. They would send their victims back again and again with a little less of themselves each time. 

They consume the life you have lived and use it for themselves. They take and take and take until they are almost immortalized.  Their own veritable fountain of youth.

Their victims would becomes less of themselves each time. Losing pivotable live moments that shaped them into who the had become. Entire lifetimes lost until they became a husk. Unable to do anything  more that live on a robotic life.  And many did not last long afterwards.

You could see the path that others took. Deep footsteps pressed into soft dirt. They had dropped things ranging from clothes and jewelry. Childrens toys and the odd suitcase here and there.

"We helped them." The Doctor told you. Spinning in circles as he tried to use his sonic to find the Tardis. The poor girl was calling out to him. A victim in this just as much as you were.  "There." The Doctor stilled. The light of the sonic bright and green. It sung out a high pitched tune as you stumbled up next to the Doctor. 

You were tired and worn. Mentally exhausted and hurt from head to toe. Both of you were  in a sorry state. The Doctor had lost his dress coat. His bowtie  had been torn away and the white of his shirt was slowly being stained a muddied brown. You were no better. Holes in your shirt from where the brush tore it. There was mud stained from hip to ankle from when you tripped. 

There again. There they were. Slinking around the trees. Calling out to you. Hungry. They were so hungry.

You were pulled away from them. The Doctors hand was on your upper arm. His face was alight with worry. "Run." The word was whispered. Desperate as he spoke to you.

Run you did. Cut off time and time again the closer you got to the Tardis. They were not going to let you go. 

"Why won't they let us go." It was a broken sob that left your lips. To worn and tired to truly care about the way you sounded. You wanted to go back to the Tardis. To find comfort in her and the Doctor as the two of you tried to put this all behind you.

"Me. They won't let me." The Doctor drew you in close. "I am sorry. So so sorry." He hid you away from the world for just a moment. He could see the Tardis in the distance. She called out to him. Begged him to come back. To bring the two of you back to her where she could get the both of you to safety. To anywhere but here. 

He could feel you tremble and shake. The soft push you gave as you tried to get even closer to him. "No." He felt you mutter into his neck. "No. I know what you mean by that." You pulled away. "I will not let you sacrifice yourself. We leave. Together or not at all."

The Doctor, for the first time, cursed you humanity. Cursed the fact that you cared so deeply.  He pressed his head to yours. His hand curling around the back of your neck. You could hear him speaking. Muttering in a language that the Tardis refused to translate. Even now. In this moment. 

The creatures. The Chronophage. You could hear them. Speaking. Whispering. Calling out to you. Begging you to help them. That they were starving. Near death. How could you be so selfish just feed them.

For a brief moment you see it. The meteor shower the Doctor had brought you to see. The  reason why you were even here. It seemed the shower itself were in your eyes. It took your breath away as the air around you lit up in color. 

The Doctor had pulled away. Watched you as you watched the sky. Something you would never have seen in your lifetime if it had not been for him. He has seen this before. Time and time again he would come back. He was grateful that in this moment, despite the horror around him, he got to see it though you. Such a soft look on your face as you forgot about the beasts around you. 

Chronophage. Time eaters. Eater of time. There is only a few names that made the Doctor fear for his life. 

 It would be a miracle if you two made it out of here. Already the both of you had lost pieces of yourself that would never return. Moments in time that you will never get back. The simplest things shaping you into who you were. And not for the first time the Doctor mourns your loss.

There. The Tardis. Just feet away. 

Already he was losing you. The creatures were feasting even as the two of you ran. The Tardis had thrown her doors open. Calling out as loud as she was able. Soft yellow light bathing the ground in front of her. 

Not again. She would not lose the both of you again. 

[lady-of-disdain]

OK! So the Monster Fucker vs Furry Explanation I Promised I'd Write:

(easier to write it up on a blog post and link it in the server)

Gonna put most of this under a cut because it'll be long and lord knows I still have some people who hate stalk my blog, and even though I've never been ashamed to admit I love monsters, I don't want to see this shit on the circus blog or some fuckery like that.

BUT FIRST! There is a Venn Diagram if that helps:

https://editoress.tumblr.com/post/169827724912/hey-i-made-a-chart

SO! Forgive me if I don't have a full grasp on the concept of what a furry is since I don't consider myself one but from what I understand furries are like, just antho dudes right? They are part animal, part human, can range from mammalian to avian, to reptilian and all the rest of the animal kingdom, but usually, they are still just dudes.

Like a guy. Like oh there's my neighbor Tony, he leads the neighborhood watch and he's half tiger.

Like these guys right? They just, go to work, pay their taxes, etc.

~

But when I think of Monsters, I think of creatures generally not a part of normal human society. Whether that be because they are aliens and come from an entirely different planet, or whether that be because they come from a different culture made up exclusively of other monsters, or whether that be because they are from the woods and the wild, from the shadows and mists of the human imagination.

Your typical Monster Boyfriend™ doesn't love you based on something stupid like socially accepted beauty norms, because he's not a part of society.

So while there can be some crossover between monster fuckers and furries because of werewolves:

For the most part, a Monster purist like me might be more attracted to these wolfmen than say Legoshi from above because these wolfmen are more primal. Still sentient, but they don't fit into society and are more likely to just pick you up and carry you out to the woods and away from normal society so you can spend the rest of your days running through the forest and howling at the moon.

Briefly to bring up Sans and where he fits into this topic since I brought him up: Yes, Sans is certainly a Tumblrsexyman, and can be categorized as such, but he also falls into a unique middle category where monster fuckers and tumblrinas might converge.

Most TSM fall into a category of something inhuman also, however, a large part of their TSM status comes from the fact that most of the time those people who are drooling over them have redesigned them into some sort of anime twink. And that's definitely happened plenty for sans, but there is also an entire other side of the sans fanbase (myself included) who love him exclusively as a skeleton monster.

And we're talking fans who go hard into skeleton anatomy, write fics with details about what bones would be the most sensitive for him, and know all the right words for those bones. There is also the aspect that Sans comes from a different monster society. So a lot of people go into what kinds of differences or customs would be different between humans and monsters.

So Sans can definitely straddle the line between the two.

~

Now, I could go on for a while more to talk about more aspects of Furry vs Monster fuckery, but I'll hurry up and bring this to a close with the real reason this question was brought up:

Does the Slug fit more under Monster or Furry fandom:

My first thought was to place him under the monster category. While I'm sure there is probably furry art out there somewhere of anthropomorphic snails and slugs, at the end of this day I think this creature is actually supposed to be an alien? So that would fall more under the territory of monsters. And while not my preference, I know that for some monster fuckers slime beings are a thing.

BUT! From what I've seen of the meme this is the homophobic slug. So this mf can't eat.

So in conclusion, I've changed my mind. He is neither furry nor monster. He's just trash.

[golden-bubblebee]

Well. I tried it again. And o boi, Pandoras box got opened again.

I used to write in notebooks all the time, but with the modernisation of my life that kinda got lost. But boi have I been enjoying it!!

I just finished a single chapter in my notebook, which, currently, already feels longer and better thought through than my previous chapters. (Don't know if it actually is longer, but considering I always feel like my chapters are too short, it feels nice)

Personally, I also love the visual image of notebooks filled and filled and filled with words. It gives passion, and tbh, a computer doesn't give the same vibe. But just. Ahh. It makes me go Ahh. This single chapter is 7 pages, and the joy of going through them! I get it now. I forgot. I remember. (Also the fact that this is a cheap notebook that I've used before for recipes means it is very beaten, which only adds to the 'this has been looked through a million times before' vibe, which, again, joy joy joy. )

So, some thinkies

Writing on paper has thus far made it easier to start (which is odd, because I typically can't really touch paper (sensory issues go yikes) so normally that is really difficult. So maybe my hands have been kind to me, or the RA obsession was big enough to override the sensory stuff.

I have been wanting to write so much more. It no longer feels like a chore. Is that some primal early on memory being awoken in me from when I used to write stories on memoblock pages and old school books? Is it my new temporary focus of enjoyment until I grow bored? Idk. But it got me craving writing a lot more than I have lately

It did allow me to puzzle a lot more with the structure of the chapters. It gives me more of an overview. Yet another thing that I knew but had forgotten/never really applied in writing. Constructing the general storyline and 'rules' of my worlds and stories always seemed sensible on paper, because of the overview and how nicely you can place it next to you when writing (typing). Why I never considered to use this construction in the actual writing? I dunno.

Again, something I could've known, but somehow didn't. A thing my art teacher would always say was 'if you go to correct a line, redraw it first, then erase it. How will you fix a mistake you can't see anymore? You need to base yourself off of something.' For writing, it seems, this works too! When a word was being funky, I always replaced it, until I found a good one, or deleted my sentence until it was somewhat nice. This is long and tedious and a good way of getting me stuck. But! Now, I don't know if you can see, in the beginning of the gif, there is a little pink square. That is my way of saying 'go forward a bit to the next pink square, a piece of sentence needs to be added, or I am reworking this bit further on...etc. giving me more like, freedom to move stuff around? Like I could just restart that piece, without having to forget what it was before.

Anyways that was really long, but I have really been enjoying this. Thank you for reminding me what this feels like<3 It is seriously appreciated. I don't know how, or why, I forgot the feeling of filled notebooks, puzzling words and the comfort of a pen in hand, being able to see my hurry, peace or tiredness reflected in my handwriting. But I did. I am genuinely grateful for making me remember.

Yk, I was going to ask this in the comments, but then I thought, why not a nifty little ask?

Do you actually write all your stories by hand? And how does it work? Cuz personally I am always put off by the fact I like, don't write fast enough to be able to keep up with the sentences forming in my head, yk. And do you then retype the chapter after you've handwritten it? Genuinely curious as to why/if/.. you prefer doing it this way

I'm glad you asked! And I'm glad you asked as an ask, because this would be a weee bit long to go in a tumblr comment 😅

I handwrite most of my fics, yeah! Tho it's more of a hybrid model instead of strictly handwriting, then typing. I bounce between handwriting and typing based on if I'm having writer's block or not. If I get stuck when typing up a chapter, I save what I have, close down my computer, and pick up a notebook and start writing from the last point I remember. Not being able to refer back to what I've written previously means I'm not stuck agonising over it, and allows me to write more freely than if I was constantly going back to earlier paragraphs. If I get stuck when handwriting, I boot up my computer again and transcribe everything. Y'know that bit of writing advice that's like "if you have writer's block, your problem is actually half a page back"? Yeah, that's why I transcribe! The process of rereading my earlier writing lets me identify what's not working and how to fix it.

TRR2 is actually the first fic where the majority of it has been handwritten beforehand, because Angel bought me a gorgeous notebook to write it in (and he got me a second to continue with!). A good portion of every chapter so far has been handwritten, and some chapters were entirely handwritten before I transcribed them :D

Further reasons I like handwriting include...

...no longer worrying so much about making it "perfect", and letting a first draft just be a first draft Sometimes in the middle of writing a scene I'll realise it works better in another character's POV, or in another setting, or any number of things. Instead of going back and changing it, I make a note saying what the change is and then keep writing as though I've already made the change. That way it doesn't break up the flow of writing and I can continue on a roll! Similarly, if a line is wonky or weird, but I can't immediately think of a better one, I just write down the wonky line and continue. Without the ability to erase what I just wrote, I don't get bogged down making every line perfect, and usually when I go to transcribe it later I have a better idea of what to write

...it helps me be more considerate of my words Wait, isn't this a direct contradiction of what I just said? Let's pretend it isn't I also write slower than I type, which I find is a bonus! My brain keeps working on the words and scene while I write, and they can often end up more refined than if I was typing everything because I had more time to turn the words over in my brain. There's also just something about handwriting things that helps my brain remember them more

...it's way more versatile I can't type on phones - it's actively very uncomfortable for me (small hands yaaay). Unfortunately, this means if I'm not at a computer, typing anything more than a couple of sentences is a no-go. Notebooks are easy to carry, don't require an external power source, and I can easily curl up with them to write in the car, in bed, or outside (bonus: it's MUCH easier to see a notebook in direct sunlight than it is to try and make out words on a screen). It also means I can write at work without worrying about keystrokes being logged, people seeing what's on my screen, forgetting a USB, or - disaster of disasters - computers crashing and erasing my data

...purely autistic/aesthetic reasons :D Writing is a huge physical stim for me. Typing can be too depending on the keyboard I'm using, but writing with a pen on paper is remarkably calming in a way that very little else is. Also, notebooks pretty ❤

thanks for dealing with all that (and also giving me an excuse to ramble on for way too long :D)!

[meanqueens]

Would you say that the dragons are in tune with their riders emotions? And/or that their behaviour can be interpreted as symbolism for their rider's emotional state? I've always headcanoned that and it's spawned a very rare ship (purely based on one descriptive interaction/moment between dragons, riders I don't think even interacted??? lol). But seeing that ask mentioning Syrax laying (potentially) Vhagar's eggs and how that can be taken to mean there was more to Laena/Rhaenyra's relationship is making me think about it again! I suppose, since it's fiction, we can read a lot into things and at the end of it, it's up to us what we make of it.

Love your blog, btw! :)

thank you for your ask!! and your sweet words :)

oh for sure they’re in tune with each other! we’ve even seen it on screen, when daemon got shot with an arrow on caraxes while fighting the crabfeeder’s men. caraxes screamed out like he was in pain, and immediately flew out of there. not to mention how dragons allow their riders, and those that their riders introduce to them, to be physically affectionate with them (such as with petting).

for example, here’s daemon petting caraxes, rhaenyra petting syrax, and even dany with her dragons hopping and happy to see her!

they’re not quite like pets, but rather more deeply connected like starks and their direwolves. i think a good way to compare it is with sansa and lady, because while sansa never got the chance to develop her warging abilities, she and lady still had a very deep bond, something much more than owner/animal.

i think it’s such a fun and fascinating idea to thusly consider the rider’s emotions as entwined with their dragon’s, but with a more primal edge on the dragon’s part, essentially being able to act out more when perhaps the rider has to reign it in and adhere to societal standards. to take this a little further, i think that with valryians being as entitled as they can be sometimes, it somewhat stems from the primality they’re exposed to with their dragon bond. they truly forgot that they’re humans sometimes.

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hello, I'm the last anon you answered to. I'm sorry if I came out as defensive because it wasn't my intention. In fact I've always thought that John was bisexual until I started questioning everything. ( I'm a bisexual guy myself and I'm perfectly happy with the way I am ! ) It's just that I feel like Yoko would just say whatever she wants on John to suit her agenda. John's sexuality had always been an interesting topic and dropping something like that would gaib her publicity this is why I --

I question the authenticity of her claims. She could have lied about it just to attract attention… And I’d be disappointed because John was in fact my idol and he gave me the strength to come out as bi to my family. But there’s so many anecdotes about him being homophobic that it just makes me sad and this is why I hardly doubt that he was a bisexual man…As for the Cynthia quote I heard her say something like “ John was afraid of homosexuality just like everyone ) in a video on Youtube –

I am very conflicted because I’ve watched videos of John ( interviews etc ) and many comments said that he was very skilled at manipulating people and wasn’t as honest as he appeared to be, which is why I doubt. John had always been the rebellious type and I started thinking that he was using the bisexuality topic to shock and make people talk about it which is disappointing. Was he dropping hints that he was bi to piss off people and make publicity ? This is what I believe : (There is also -

Something he said to Alaister Taylor where he said that he was trying to spread the rumor that he was gay or bi just for fun and he told him that he would never shag a man because just the thought of it turned him off… Yet he also told him that he adored Brian so much that he would have done anything with him ( he contradict himself here. ) So yeah I didn’t want to be rude. I apologize. I think I need reassurance. Could you please analyse everything I said if u don’t mind please ? : (

-

Anon 2

At the very least all these years later isn’t it circumstantially suggested that John had very private gay encounters, and was uncomfortable making them public, yet wanted to hint at them so he could deal with this matter int he future? He was protecting his privacy and his ego, and perhaps wasn’t yet ready to reveal either his encounters or mixed feelings of bisexuality. His encounters have been protected by those with whom he was involved, people thameant a lot to him, no?

-

Anon 3

hey! by any chance, do you have knowledge of the quotes where john said “sex with girls felt like a performance after the first time” and “i was never sexually attracted to women before yoko”? i am SURE i’ve seen the first one somewhere on tumblr, though the second one is more of a quote of a quote so i’m not sure if it’s real or not dfkdjk thanks, anyway!

-

Anon 4

Hello! Is it true that John used to be very attracted to the drag scene in St Pauli ( I guess that was the town I read about ) and that basically the drag / gay scene made him feel comfortable and at home? Says a lot about him!

-

@tbhmarjj

I adore you, thank u for this blog and ur beautiful mind. i doubt johns bisexuality at times tbh considering he went to great lengths for publicity and he wanted to be an LGBT ally, be cool and outspoken and as he himself said it was trendy to be bi. but then again he was obsessed with Paul in so many ways and he was the embodiment of John’s ideal man. beautiful, talented, intellectual. I’ll be patiently awaiting ur posts exploring Paul’s views on johns sexuality.Thank u

-

Hello again, anon! 

I want to begin by thanking you for getting back to me after I answered your ask and for clarifying where you were coming from when you wrote it. It really is quite hard to fully get the tone of a written message, especially one that is so short that you have no context to draw from to get the emotional meaning behind it. It really appeared to me when I read it that the concern was not who was saying it (Yoko) but about what was being said (John was bisexual). I can now see that was not the case and I appreciate that you’ve made that clear. 

I also hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the opportunity to include in this answer all of the other asks I’ve been receiving regarding John’s sexuality. It’s clearly a topic of great interest in this community. So I’ll be attempting to address all the points raised here. Again, this is nothing definitive; only my personal readings of the situation as I find it at the moment.

Before I do answer, though, I’d just like everyone to take a deep breath and a step back. Let’s try to examine this topic a bit more objectively. 

I understand that sex is kind of major in our society. Our notion of identity is tightly bound to our classified sexuality and gender. Sexual relationships (or amorous relationships) are seen as the epitome of human connection and the ideal everyone should be striving for. And people fundamentally want to be loved and not alone, so it makes sense that figuring out who is a potential companion (and if that companion is interested back) is such a big deal.

But despite these layers of meaning and societal pressures, we should keep in mind what sex represents, essentially, from an evolutionary point of view. 

For social animals who derive pleasure from sexual stimulation, sexual intercourse is – like all the other kinds of affection – a way to build connections. 

If you want to find examples in nature, just look at our ape cousins, the bonobos. The also called pygmy chimpanzee lives in a matriarchal society where sexual behaviour plays an essential role in strengthening social bonds, lowering tension and keeping the peace. Bonobos don’t discriminate between gender or age (except between mothers copulating with their own adult sons, so as to prevent cross-breeding). It’s the true “free love” society; evolution took “make love, not war” and ran with it. 

Our own culture seems more similar to that of bonobos’ northern neighbours, the common chimp. Their patriarchy is more conservative regarding sexual intercourse, which is mainly used for reproduction purposes, and their power structure is based around intricate political games, where males form alliances and try to get public support in order to overthrow the ruling party.

I find it endlessly curious to look at these two species, whose physical separation by the Congo river made them diverge so starkly in their social organization, and compare them to the struggle between these same two natures that we find in our own society. 

All this to say that, from a simply biological point of view, I have to agree with John and Yoko when they say that everyone must be bisexual. If sexual intercourse as a social behaviour is, inherently, all about establishing bonds and connections, the extent to which those connections are “allowed” to be built depends entirely on the hierarchal structure that same society is trying to preserve. In other words, what is classified as morally right or wrong is more reflective of the rules in place to keep that society working as it is, than it is of what is naturally present as a drive. 

If your brain is primed to seek pleasure and sexual intercourse brings you pleasure independently of the partner’s gender, then the partner’s gender should be inconsequential.

But unlike bonobos, humans are kind of touchy about touching. So there are other levels of information influencing behaviour. The processes of socialization – of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society – and enculturation – by which people learn the dynamics of their surrounding culture and acquire values and norms appropriate or necessary in that culture and worldviews – are as determinant as the genetic factors influencing behaviour. In fact, this added education can be so effective in curbing your “primal instincts”, that one might forget they have them in the first place. 

Thus, the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are a constantly shifting construct based on the various interactions between your genetic makeup and social influences. 

I just think that, in order to have this discussion, it’s important to separate the various levels of it and be clear about which we are referring to.

There is the basic evolutionary drive to seek pleasure and form connections.

There is the social education about that same drive and how it is allowed to manifest itself.

And integrating all these different signals and information – various potentials which manifested as attraction – there finally is a behaviour, a choice.

And finally, there’s the external point of view of other members of society looking in and trying to discern other people’s drives and how they relate to their choices (that’s us now). The problem is, we often throw our own drives and choices into the mix, especially with regards to something as personally defining as sexual orientation. 

So we have to make very clear in our minds what is the end goal here. Why are we interested in discussing this topic? Are we looking to discern as much of the truth as we can get it, objectively trying to understand these human beings? Or are we trying to confirm our own projections on them? And please, don’t take me wrong. All these are valid reasons to be interested in a subject. Often how it resonates with us, so personally, is vitally important to reaching a greater understanding about ourselves and learning how to communicate that to others. 

But in the same way a piece of music can make you have a transformative emotional experience that the artist didn’t necessarily go through, it’s important to remember that our own inner-life might be affecting how we examine others. Better be mindful of what we project, lest we think are finally seeing inside another person when in fact we are only looking at our own reflection. (And honestly, I believe getting to truly know ourselves in this processes can be a hundred times more valuable than knowing the other. By learning to recognize ourselves we can better understand other people and vice-versa.) 

So if it is important to you that John is bisexual, my honest opinion is that all the information can be read in a way that confirms it. We’ll hardly ever know for sure, and based on what we do know, that can certainly be the takeaway. 

But if we want to objectively examine John’s sexuality, we shouldn’t bring in a confirmation bias. Meaning that we should be emotionally detached from the outcome, as long as it is as close to the truth as we can get. But this is only where I’m coming from, and I’m a bit of a scientist. It’s totally fair if you’re not in it for the same reasons. Though again, working under the assumption that you want to know my stance on it, let’s proceed.

I understand your reservations regarding Yoko as an unreliable narrator. To analyse Yoko’s motivations would be an interesting topic, but one which I will not go in at the moment as I don’t feel sufficiently informed about Yoko as a person to give an extensive examination.  

But in my opinion, there is a whole lot of other information available from which to draw from other than Yoko’s statements. 

I also get your and @tbhmarjj‘s concerns about John’s declarations during the 70s. But it’s the same question I posed in the previous post: Was the “bisexual chic” fad of the 1970s merely a publicity stunt for those involved? Even if it was, did it make the experimentations undertaken any less true? Were they just faking it for the press or were they finally allowed to try and be open about it? 

Because I come from the biological background that places sex as a positive social interaction like any other, meaning that its purpose is to create bonds and the pleasure is our “reward” for doing it, I tend to believe that the behaviours were genuine. The drive there is real. As real as the internal constraints that would act on them as a result of societies shifting expectations and permissions. And this socialization is as determinant in the creation of sexual attraction as anything. So based on our definition of sexual orientation, all those bi rockstars of the 70s could have effectively stopped identifying as bi once the new social norm overrun their own internal drives and the previous less conservative status quo. That didn’t make them less bi when they were. 

It’s funny, but in terms of gender and sexuality, nothing is real so everything is. 

So yeah, I think that John could have been bisexual the second he felt he was. But because the social tide was likely to shift, it was better to also maintain a measure of deniability: it was just for show, it’s not serious, I was just taking the mickey out of you and you fell for it! Of course John was smart enough to leave space there to retract. He and Paul had mastered the art as communicators through song. They could claim them to mean everything and nothing as it suited them. As Anon 2 says, it’s a protective measure. 

So I think that at some point in time, John genuinely identified as bisexual. Now whether he acted on it or not is another questioned entirely. As Anon 2 points out, there are various circumstantial accounts, but these are always tougher to verify. 

I tend to believe Yoko when she says:

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness—you know—beauty.”

I ask what she makes of the people outside the building, the crowds still at Strawberry Fields.

Ono misunderstands, or mishears (or is simply focused on the last strand of our conversation), and continues to talk about sex.

“I don’t make anything out of it. When you’re not really interested in that sort of sex, you don’t think about it. Both John and I surprisingly were very passive people. Unless somebody made a thing out of it, if they made a move, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

At least I believe he at least never “fully” did it, in the sense of full-blown anal sex. I think there might have been “milder” homosexual interactions, such as handjobs, that could be rationalized as not entirely gay (the thing with Brian in Spain being one of them.)

Regarding the drag scene in Hamburg Anon 4 was asking about, I agree that it also provides information about John. Though I think it’s mainly about his gender identity rather than his sexual orientation (though the two are invariably linked in the construct as well).

Here are some quotes about it:

With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were ‘all harmless and very young’ and it was actually possible to speak to one ‘without shuddering’. Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

— In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

And according to Horst Fascher (bouncer at the Indra Club and the Kaiserkeller):

It wasn’t just girls that were on offer to young english rockers. Monica’s Bar was Hamburg’s notorious transvestite club. For one or two English musicians, Monica’s was just another part of the Hamburg experience.

HORST FASCHER: One night Monica said, “Come, come and look. One of your boys is in the séparé.” “And who is it?” And she said, “One of the Beatles.” “Let me look”. She said, “Be careful. Look only sneaky-like.” But I did. I grabbed the curtain, pulled it aside and there was sitting John in… in a position with that girl, and you know. He felt really ashamed and I said, “John, don’t worry man. I did that all before.”

— In The Beatles Biggest Secrets. [Transcription is my own and I’m not too certain of it.]

Though there certainly might have been an aspect of sexual interest to it, I think John’s fascination with the drag scene was also the kinship with the queerness he felt inside himself; mainly in regards to him wanting to express his more sensitive side, which is coded as feminine in our society. So I think seeing men indulging in femininity and nonnormative behaviour resonated with him.

Also, I think it’s even more important to understand John’s relationship with sex in general, regardless of the partner. 

To that end, the quote mentioned by Anon 3 is of special relevance:

When I was a kid, I wanted to shag every attractive woman I saw. I used to dream that it would be great if you could just click your fingers and they would strip off and be ready for me. I would spend most of my teenager years fantasising about having this kind of power over women. The weird thing is, when the fantasies came true they were not nearly so much fun. One of my most frequent dreams was seducing two girls together, or even a mother and a daughter. That happened in Hamburg a couple of times and the first time it was sensational. The second time it got to feel like I was giving a performance. You know how when you make love to a woman that the moment you come, you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything. The more women I had, the more the buzz would turn into a horrible feeling of rejection and revulsion at what I’d been doing. As soon as I’d been with a woman, I wanted to get the hell out.

— John Lennon to Alistair Taylor (Brian Epstein’s assistant), 1965. In his autobiography With the Beatles: A Stunning Insight by The Man who was with the Band Every Step of the Way (2003).

And another important passage is in reference to Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy:

Well, his thing is to feel the pain that’s accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. […] The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. […] Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it. […] But for me at any rate it was all part of dissolving the Godtrip or father-figure trip. Facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali for Red Mole (8-22 March 1971). [I really can’t stop pointing to this quote as one of the most important in order to understand John Lennon.]

As he reiterates in ‘I Found Out’ (1970): Some of you sitting there with yer cock in yer hand / Don’t get you nowhere don’t make you a man

To me, John’s pursuit of sex is, like most things in his life, essentially about filling this black-hole of emotional pain. He internalized the lack of love from his parents, which went into his eyes and mind, until he himself believed he was unlovable. This lack of self-esteem translates into a lot of pain and the need for an external solution for that pain. 

The external solution is not wanting to feel so vulnerable any more. This can be achieved either by trying to seize control, by exerting it over others or having them look up to you (e.g. “fantasising about having this kind of power over women”; “some dream of making it”). Or it can be achieved by handing control over and being taken care of (e.g. “people channel their pain into God”, “I’ve seen religion from Jesus to Paul”.)

Sex as an activity can play into these various dynamics: it can be used to feel power over others, as John started out; it can be used as an escapist distraction, like a drug (e.g. “you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything”); and it can be used as giving yourself over and being loved, looking to receive that which you can’t get from yourself. 

As time passed and the first two solutions stopped working, I think John focused on the third: sex in the context of an emotionally close relationship as the ultimate intimacy and proof that he was loved. And because he wanted to absolve himself of responsibility, to be taken care of, his partner needed to be someone on the other end, someone who had control. In our culture, this reads as a masculine figure (e.g. “father-figure trip”). 

This may be from a female, whose masculine qualities were what attracted John in the first place:

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

— Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

I used to say to him, ‘I think you’re a closet fag, you know.’ Because after we started to live together, John would say to me, ‘Do you know why I like you? Because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.’

— Yoko Ono, interviewed for New York Magazine (25 May 1981).

Or the partner he was looking for could be found in the (often dominant) person he was most emotionally invested in his whole life. 

All I want is you / Everything has got to be just like you want it to

And in a society that establishes that the closest two people can be, the greatest intimacy they can share, the ultimate declaration of love is to live in a monogamous amorous relationship, is it any wonder that John felt he could only believe in their relationship if they were together like that? Is it any wonder that he would doubt Paul’s affections because Paul apparently wasn’t willing to express them like that? 

JOHN: It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

SHEVEY: But Yoko is a very independent person. Isn’t it— [inaudible]

JOHN: Sure, and so were the men I worked with. The only difference is she’s female.

SHEVEY: But you didn’t find it difficult to make that transition?

JOHN: Oh yeah. I mean, it took me four years. I’m still not – I’m still only coming through it, you know.

— Interview with Sandra Shevey (June 1972).

I know I keep posting this quote, but I don’t think he can make it more obvious than that: it’s not about the sex. Or rather, the sex is not the primary thing. 

He didn’t push all those years because he was uncontrollably horny for Paul. John just wants a physical manifestation, a more tangible “proof”, of his emotional connections. He wants to be able to hold hands, be held and perhaps also have sex with his best friend; he needs those proofs of love through the means of physical affection because he won’t believe Paul’s love for him is there otherwise (or that it’s as great as John’s).

Would society normalizing other kinds of relationships – such as friendships – to be as important or on the same level as amorous (romantic/sexual) ones, have helped John and Paul? Most likely. 

Would society normalizing same-sex amorous relationships have helped John and Paul? Perhaps. (For this one we would have to look more closely at Paul’s needs and desires.)

All this to say that John’s idea of sexuality was extremely influenced by society, and in his case, the rule “amorous relationships are the normative ones” outweighed the “heterosexual relationships are the normative ones”. 

The conflict occurred when from Paul’s perspective, the priority of the rules was the other way around. I think Paul was ready to ignore society’s norm and live his life with his friendship with John as the most important relationship. But he also wanted a heterosexual one. (But more on that on a post of its own.)

For now, I hope I have more or less managed to express my thoughts on the matter of John’s sexuality. 

Thank you so much for reading through all that and for reaching out in the first place! I truly appreciate it!

[lucarioisinthevoid]

Everytime I hear the song 'I've no more fucks to give' by Thomas Benjamin Wild I can't help but think of Mike--

You know, I love getting new music from all of you guys way too much, it’s always such a roll of the dice, except all of the sides are either “awesome” or “hilarious”.

But I gotta disappoint you all, the only TRUE Mike song out there is “Chris Ray Gun KYS” by Cool Songs. It’s the most Mike any song will ever get and literally the one thing I based his character on (aside from some joke comics floating around), which should explain why I’m so baffled all you guys even like him. This here song though? On a scale from M1ke to M10ke? You fucking NAILED it. I mean, Mike would fucking WISH to be so classy in his fucklessness, but he sadly is a bit too much of a primal bastard to get onto this level. Maybe when he absolutely loses his mind at the end of a very stressful day. He’s getting there actually, getting some more class from Simon and eventually he will reach peak “no more fucks to give”. Dream big. Seriously this song is so good I’m losing it right now, I need to draw something with this sometimes, oh god- Mike was humming as cleaned the tables, a smile on his face. A rather terrifying situation, as everyone present had to consider being stuck in a parallel dimension of some sort- Of course, everyone aside from Jeremy, who was secretly the bravest character. “Mike! You’re in a good mood! What happened?” “I’ve got send a good song.” “Oh! That’s cool! Can I listen to it?” Mike shortly looked at the Phone Guy who simply raised an eyebrow. Admittedly, he was curious too, but wouldn’t get involved with that. But the guard took it as a go ahead and put on the music, so he was able to hear it anyways, without needing to ask. It took all of 26 seconds for the surprised smiles to turn into mortified expressions- Of course, for everyone, but the four resident edgelords. Old Sport was the first one to chime in and start singing along. “I've no more fucks to give! My fucks have runeth dry!” Naturally Dave followed his lead. “I've tried to go fuck shoppin’ but there ain’t no fucks left to buy!” Nemo coughed and then took the spotlight with an oddly melodic voice. “I've no more fucks to give! Though more fucks I’ve tried to get! I'm over my fuck budget, and I’m now in fucking debt!” Slowly Phone Guy buried his lack of a face in his hands, accepting that “fuck – the musical” would apparently become a thing now. Finally, the ending approached and Mike took the cake, as he jumped on top of the table he has JUST been cleaning- “I've no more fucks to give!

I've noooo mooooore fucks!

I've noooo moooooore fucks!

I'VE NOOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOOOORE FUCKS TOOOOO GIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!”

At last, the song was over and for once everyone seemed to be at peace. Jeremy quietly coughed. “Uhm- it’s- it’s a very nice melody… I guess…?” “I should fucking put it on more often!” Mike nodded, enthusiastically. Dave though was done with it for now. “Ya know, Mikey, if ya would use less fucks in your sentences, maybe you’d have some fucks when ya need them. You’re pretty irresponsible with your fuck-stash. Maybe get help budgeting your fucks?” “Oh shut the fuck up.” Before the guard could get into an actual argument with Dave, Old Sport decided to pull the aggro back onto himself. “I mean, that too, but consider, Mike! We’ll make a musical based around the songs that people send in! OF COURSE, YOU’LL BE THE MAIN CHARACTER-“ The last part had to be screamed to be understandable, as he was forced to run away from the now VERY violent Mike. What do they say? Kill the idea before it spreads? Yeah, that tends to work, right? Loyally Dave jumped in, to once more distract Mike, ping-ponging him between himself and his partner like usual. “Okay, so what’s it gonna be, Sportsy? It’ll start with Mike the absolutely sexy emo boy that we’re tryin’ to get the attention from? ‘Fuck me, Emo Boy!’” Grinning he watched as the man came to a screeching hold and turned right around, Dave gave him a short head-start to let him get JUST close enough to make the chase worth it. Old Sport stopped to catch his breath, grinning. It was like holding a red towel in front of a bull... GLORIOUS. Nemo scoffed. “Hello? The frick? The only one getting the title of EMO BOY, is me, OKAY? Literally, don’t even @ me, this is straight FACTS.” “How old are you again? I don’t think this song should be about you-“ “I might be a young soul, but I’m at least as old Mike!” He bragged, just for Mike to scoff, as he ran. “Yeah fucking sure. As if.” By now he was a little too close to Dave for comfort and Old Sport put his hands back to his mouth. “HE MIGHT NOT LOOK LIKE HE GETS BITCHES, BUT HONEY, THAT DICK IS ELEVEN INCHES!” Worked as always and Old Sport got ready- But of course, Nemo couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Isn’t that just average though? Like, I never thought I should mention that I-” Instantly he was forced to regret his words as Mike was close enough to grab him and put him into a headlock, slowly pressing his breath out of him. “YOU’RE NOT FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT-“ Between his suffocating squeaking noises, Nemo spit out his last words. “Not… old enough… to talk about… my dick… but… old enough… to die…?” “YOU’RE ALWAYS FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO DIE.” “… inspi… rational…” Quickly the Orange Guy had sneaked up though to free his fellow-minded co-worker. Without wasting a second he put a pair of headphones over Mike’s head. “No more fucks, remember? Why are you so upset?” Thankfully, that worked and Mike was prevented from committing a felony. Letting go of the boy he groaned and pressed the headphones against his ears, in an attempt to make it louder and forget about everything else. In that pose he stumbled towards the office. “If anyone needs me today- go fuck yourself.” With that the metal doors slammed shut.