#i've been. like. wishing the time away bc i'm having Difficulties with the present but then that's doing nothing to make anything more

[b-blushes]

every night i write a little list of things i'm looking forward to about tomorrow (my daily 'cup of hot chocolate whilst watching a show after lunch' break always makes the list, to give you an idea of the scale we are working with) but today i've decided we're going TURBOPOWERED it is time to make lists in my head* of things i'm looking forward to further in the future 😤

i am excited for WEDNESDAY because the weather forecast says it will be SUNNY!

[spacelazarwolf]

I really hate how often neo ra/df/ems will go on and on about how trans fem's transitions are waaaaaay more difficult and they're waaaaaay less likely to pass, but if a trans masc dared to make any similar comparisons, they'd be fucking crucified.

There are a lot of feelings I have around sex-based discrimination and the difficulties of a masculinizing transition. On one hand, I don't think comparing struggles like that is useful (i.e. trans women have harder transitions).

On the other hand, I feel like the reality of the situation is actually quite the opposite for many people (everyone acknowledges that testosterone makes your voice drop and you grow hair, but nobody seems to want to acknowledge hysterectomy vs orchi, voice training is still often needed, electrolysis for phallo, the fact that bottom surgery is usually multi-staged [even metoidioplasty is sometimes 2 stages] with a lot of moving parts and far worse scarring, top surgery is almost a necessity for passing whereas not every trans fem wants top surgery + scars are easier to hide, face masculinization is far less common w/ fewer options, puberty begins earlier in perisex people AFAB and puberty blockers don't always allow for full height to be achieved bc they don't typically allow you to start testosterone until you're about 15 even IF you were a "classic" trans-since-3-years-old kinda case, the extreme body horror that is accidental pregnancy and abortion and menstruation when that's dysphoric vs not being able to carry a pregnancy just feels like an insulting comparison sometimes and I've had multiple trans women call me inconsiderate for expressing horror at getting my bodily rights taken away bc "that triggers my dysphoria", testosterone is a scheduled substance and has more difficult administration methods than simply a pill, etc.)

And so I bite my tongue and try to be the better person, because stooping to that low doesn't help anything. But at the same time it's so extremely frustrating to be told that you "have it better" when, considering the facts, it REALLY feels like the opposite. There's this level of bitterness around that that I am DESPERATELY trying to resolve within myself. I have a therapist. I know it's projection. I'm working on my own bullshit. But please tell me I'm not alone in feeling this way? I just wish they'd stop with that rhetoric and realize just how difficult the average trans masc transition truly is

yeah it's really frustrating for ppl to present Trans Women's Experiences and Trans Men's Experiences as diametrically opposed, with one experience being Eternal Pain And Inescapable Suffering and the other being Barely A Blip On The Life Radar. and while i understand it's coming from a place of pain, i've also experienced a lot of trans women shutting me down when i try to talk about how abortion rights affect me. back when i was first dipping my toe into trans spaces, i was friends with a trans woman who told me it was transmisogynistic of me to want to transition because "trans women would kill to have been born in your body." and while it absolutely comes from a different place than when cis men try to assert control over me and there's not the same power dynamic, it's still a complete stranger feeling entitled to tell me what to do with my body because of the sex i was assigned at birth. it's frustrating to have people i'm supposed to be in community with play into the same sexist bullshit that other people, regardless of gender, have been holding over my head my whole life, feeling like they own my body bc women and ppl who are forcibly assigned the role of women in society are seen as public property. our bodies aren't our own. everyone feels entitled to comment on them and touch them and make decisions about them. and it sucks when it comes from other people who should understand how that feels.

and like. obviously this idea that trans men's transition is so much easier than trans women's is unhelpful bc 1. there is no one particular way for trans men to transition, 2. not everyone who transitions in the way typically associated with trans men is a trans man, 3. it doesn't take into account how disability, race, ethnicity, etc. play into people's experiences before, during, and after transition, and 4. it's just not a fucking competition????? the fact that a disabled black trans man is going to be more systemically oppressed in society than a wealthy white trans woman doesn't mean trans men as a category are Objectively More Oppressed than trans women. bc gender is like. the worst possible way to try to gauge a group's place within the system. bc at this point, gender is not the most powerful system, race is. and i feel like a fuck ton of people really do not recognize that.

another thing that has bugged me for as long as i've been in trans spaces is this bizarre attitude that trans women are doomed to this miserable life of clockability and will never be able to pass as cis women thus they must accept that their life will be nothing but pain and suffering. and that's just very much not true! i know plenty of trans women who "pass" or who are happy with their bodies, who have jobs they love and friends and family who love them, who have a community that supports and celebrates them. and it has just always rubbed me the wrong way that people think they're helping trans women by presenting their existence as Inevitably Miserable when all it does is terrify closeted trans girls who think they're better off never coming out or transitioning, or better off dying. like. we have to understand that these narratives we create, the idea of the perpetually suffering trans woman and the lonely isolated trans man, are absolutely driving people to suicidal ideation. and if we give a shit about trans people, we should be changing these narratives.

[celestialpotat0]

I'm definitely old now

In 2023 I struggled to reconcile my desire to stay out late at night and make memories with my desire to have a restful sleep schedule. In my 20s I would regularly leave the house after 11pm because many spots and events don't get lit til around 12am. In 2023 I think I pretty much always chose sleep over staying up. Was supposed to go clubbing for my friend's birthday party, and I really wanted to go. But I probably wouldn't have been home til 3am, which would inevitably cause me to wake up early to go into work after some sleep-deprived days. I'd risk making mistakes at work or thinking too slowly at work, which could cause patient harm. Then I'd go home from work and be too tired to meal prep, work out, clean, study, etc. so that day would be wasted. And it'd take prob a few days to correct the 1 night of staying up too late. So i told him wouldnt be able to stay up late for clubbing, and in a way i shocked myself at how unfamiliar this new me is, given how much i loved going out dancing.

The Killers have a special place in my heart because their music transports me back to the middle school version of myself. I listened to Hot Fuss so many times in middle school and the drama spoke to my angsty, emotional, and insecure self. that younger version of me who constantly dreamed about a grander life. When they came to SF, I knew that it'd mean so much to go to their concert; I have this obsession with nostalgia and attaching sentimental significance to certain things so I can commemorate memories and try to relive or reexperience them. (yes i realize that was extremely redundant word choice but idc bc i gotta head into work in a bit.) But I decided with difficulty to miss their concert since I had early morning work the next day.

I have extra special fond memories of NYE in past years- gathering with lots of strangers, dancing, bundled up under thick layers and scarves to ring in the new year. in those moments that you're gathering and celebrating and chanting the last ten seconds of the year out loud in unison with everyone around you, you KNOW you're going to remember those exact moments of revelry and joy for years to come. but i turned down my friend's invitation to celebrate this year because i had work in the morning on New year's day.

These are just some examples of when me in my 20s might have leaned toward going. While I admit the clubbing may have been the pursuit of hedonism as dancing is joy found in a simple act of moving to music and allows me to leave all my worries behind off the dance floor, the concert was more about nostalgia and NYE was more about creating memories. In 2023, there were many other times when I consistently chose over and over again to NOT stay out late. Mainly because I felt an obligation to be responsible for my job. friend invited me to watch a movie that starts at 7pm next Friday--I told him I'll have to sit this one out because idk if i'll even be awake by the end of the movie.

a 7pm movie on a friday evening is too late for me now... welcome to my 30s.

I've recently started to reframe my perspective on getting older. im obviously starting to realize now that I feel way more wrecked on 5 hours of sleep than i used to. body aches appear spontaneously now. the appearance of my body and face is not what it used to be. but im actually really appreciating the present, because i think about how in my 40s I'm going to WISH I could be back in my 30s. And in my 50s I'm going to think man I really had it good in my 40s. So thinking of future me makes me appreciate the body I have today, and I actually feel grateful. I'm quite proud of shifting my perspective because when I was like 28-30 I used to feel miserable about the thought of getting older. I had best fully appreciate this time now, because it will slip away into the past, so I want to savor it all now while Im lucky enough to have it. i will say the weights ive been lifting have been the heaviest theyve ever been, so there are small victories.

My really dear friend is in her 90s and has sciatica. She has been in a lot of pain. But the other day I received a package from her in the mail. She'd sent me pecan pie and cookies. To know that she baked a pie and cookies and packaged them up and shipped them over to me from San Clemente, all despite her sciatica pain, is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness i've received. As i get older I also better understand just how much love is delivered through food. anyone who has cooked and prepared food for me, i realize how much it takes to do that and the abundance of love that is poured into and expressed through food. im so inspired and touched to witness that kindness and am grateful our paths crossed.

[baekhvuns]

...i have indulged my mother in the obsession of bollywood. Because i kid you not, i'm writing this after watching veer zara, dil waale dulaniya le jaayenge (im not sure wut the title meant tho), jab we met and Hum Aapke Hain Koun..! (i copy pasted that-). And it makes sense why these two actors are so popular in india. I've heard about srk before but now...i get why he's mad famous. Also, my mother- She said that young srk gives loverboy vibes 😭😭😭but u gotta give me more reccs about tht actor in tht movie..badai ho. I saw his work and there was this movie name dream girl i'm not sure if i should watch it but it had a good amount of rating. Istg these bollywood movies are epitome of love. I figured though, they were quite old movies, imma look for more present time movies. But really tysm!! Oh and i found my new jam.

Alexa play pehla pyaar (IT MEANS FIRST LOVE GODDAMIT-)

ITS A PYRAMID SCHEME ATP FHWKFHWKD which is ur and ur mom’s favourite movie so far 🔫🔫 HE FUCKING DOES LOVERBOY ENERGY FHWKFHWK STOP HE DOES HES WHAT MADE ME A HOPLESS ROMANTIC srk is such. such a big deal that his name is a compliment, the way ppl line up to wish him birthday outside is house is like a holiday actually 🤚🏻🤚🏻 MAD no thank you for watching them!!

“dil waale dulaniya le jaayenge (im not sure wut the title meant tho)” it means the ones with the heart will take away the bride!

yes omg i will!! tho he only really got good films recently i wouldn’t rec the older ones bc they’d make no sense even to me and the rly recent ones have flopped bc he chooses the same concepts 🔫 so i wouldn’t rec those menfbwnfb,, tho here’s a few of my favourites by him!!

andhadhun (his acting in this is actually insane prob his highest rated movie) ‘blind’ guy accidentally stumbles upon a murder lol

bala (basically he’s bald and he fears he won’t get his dream girl super funny but also touches on the perception ppl treat male baldness w!)

shubh mangal saavdhan (a couple falls in love and gets married, but the groom discovers that he suffers from erectile dysfunction) + shubh mangal zyada (more) saavdhan (basically being gay in an indian household and it’s difficulties) (same cast as badhai ho!)

dream girl (yes, he fakes being a girl at a call center, but then 😭😭)

hawaizaada (1895, a man constructs india’s first unmanned airplane!)

for some present movies (most of them have been terrible) id rec the later half my OG movie post!

most specifically yjhd (2014) (begging pls watch 🤲🏻), darlings (2022), gangubai (2022) honestly one of the best ones that have been released based on a irl prostitutes life, if ur looking for a horror comedy then stree is perfect! raees (srk, gangster story w romance <3), bhool bhuliya (1 is so good but 2 is alright, it’s more recent), zmnd (im begging pt2, watch it 😭😭 based in spain), shershaah (war, biopic, everything is real, the actors tho got married recently hehe), ek villian (based of this korean movie but i prefer this one fbhcjc), mimi (2021) (basically a foreign in couple asks the mc to be their surrogate and it goes crazy) super lit! 3 idiots bc this is the STAPLE if ur looking for 2000’s romcoms,, id rec mere brother ki dhulhan (my brother’s bride)