#i've been trying to figure out who the mystery player is all damn day and been sitting here just 'it can't be kafka. whomst??'

[lesenbyan]

Hook???????

[herearedragons]

micro story for dragon age (i'm hoping for some solaqun hehe), 8 and/or 16 <3

that is NOT a micro-fic but I did get 16. in dreams in there

micro-story prompts

"You are distracted, my friend."

There is no judgement or annoyance in Solas' voice; he's simply making a statement, and a correct one, in that.

Aqun runs back the last few points of their conversation in his mind, trying to understand what gave him away — and comes up empty.

"What did I miss?"

"I have just presented you with a glaring contradiction, expecting you to point it out. Imagine my surprise when you readily accepted that the Anchor does not expel energy, when we both know this to be untrue."

He says it with the light triumph of delivering a clever punchline, smiling briefly; a little too much gloating for just noticing that he wasn't listening, in Aqun's opinion.

The mistake is dumb, though.

"Damn it. Well, can you say it one more time?"

"Certainly; but I know study to be ineffective when forced upon the mind. Perhaps I can be of help with your trouble?"

He's right about that first part. Maybe about the second one, too.

Aqun thinks about the large, empty space of the rotunda echoing their voices up into the library; about the people walking past the desk they're both sitting at, headed to the upper levels.

"If we can speak somewhere private," he says.

*

"...Your meetings with the Ambassador?"

"She's doing her best, and so am I. But with the time we have, I'm starting to think my best won't be enough."

Skyhold's garden is empty at this time of day; even Mother Giselle and the apothecary, who frequent it often, have duties elsewhere. The open air and the rustling of leaves mean that the sound of conversation doesn't carry as far.

It's a good place to talk.

They sit down by the elfroot patch.

"I don't think I can understand the Game, Solas," Aqun says. "And I can't fake it convincingly, either."

There's a heavy feeling in his chest as he admits it, but that's nothing new; it's been there for the last week or so, growing worse each time he caught himself losing track of Josephine's explanations, or growing helplessly irritated with the complication of it all when he did manage to follow.

Fighting is fine. Giving speeches is fine. Keeping people in check is fine. Whatever "The Game" is, it's none of those things; learning about it is staring into an endless abyss, where every explanation of why only dredges up more questions.

"It is simpler than you believe," Solas says. "Every game is constructed from rules and props; the Great Game is no different, or they wouldn't have named it so. You have mastered much more complicated topics during our conversations."

Aqun stares at the swaying elfroot stalks in front of him.

"If that was true, I would have been at least half-decent at it by now."

"Perhaps the fault lies not with the game, then, but with the player."

"Maybe," Aqun says grimly. "I've spent most of my life away from people, you know. Kind of like you, but without the part about learning in your dreams what the rest of the world is like. I've traveled around since then, figured some things out, but I don't know if I'm equipped to handle high society."

To his surprise, Solas chuckles.

"You hold too much esteem for the nobility. It is the oldest con, perhaps: to build an air of mystery, mythology to lend one airs of grandeur. But I have followed them in dreams, through countless lies and bargains struck, and know that underneath they are no different."

Something about his tone is... fond, almost.

Aqun turns to look at him.

"Well, give me your opinion, then," he says. "If you were in my place, how would you handle the Winter Palace?"

"I would allow them to underestimate me; play the demure elf, let others speak, and listen to what they say when they believe their company is not intelligent enough to understand. But to you, my friend, I would advise a different course of action."

"...I'm listening."

"Act as you would in the field," Solas says. "Scout for danger. Tread carefully on unfamiliar terrain. When you come across something you do not understand, study it. Ask questions. Your instincts of survival will serve you just as well in the Orlesian court as they would anywhere else."

Aqun thinks about it for a moment.

"Wouldn't I appear ignorant?"

"You would appear careful. Besides," Solas adds with a tinge of amusement, "One can hardly blame the Inquisitor for being inquisitive."

That gets a laugh out of him.

"I should write that down."

"Now you sound like Varric."

"Well, Varric has a point about writing things down," Aqun says.

The heavy feeling, he notes, has lessened. It's not gone completely, but it's... easier, somehow.

Solas has given him a different perspective, something to think about, but, strangely, that's not even the most important part.

He actually believes that Aqun can figure this out.

And, well... If a wandering apostate can get a decent impression of The Game by watching it in his dreams, why wouldn't there be hope for him, too?

"Thank you, Solas," he says.

"I'm glad to have been of assistance," Solas replies with a slight smile. "That being said, perhaps we should return to our discussion of the Anchor later, once your duties allow it."

Aqun nods.

"I'll be looking forward to it."

"So will I."

[doodlemunster]

You can't just leave me hanging with "great stories"! Would you kindly share your some stories from your Escape Room days that were the:

1. Craziest

2. Silliest

3. Wtf-iest (moment that made you go wtf/question humanity)

LMAO oh I am more than happy to tell them!! Strap in, cuz I def have a few!

Some of these stories kind of fall into all three categories and mixtures of both, but I'm gonna do my best!

Craziest

would have to be a story that I tell almost every time someone asks me about my time as a game guide cuz it THREW me for a loop.

Okay so, my workplace would offer group deals for companies looking to do 'team building exercises'. We have four themed rooms, so all four would be blocked off for their entire company to split up into. This was absolute chaos cuz our place was s m a l l and every time these events happened, it was damn near elbow to elbow.

Anyways, we had an insurance company come in to do the rooms and I was tasked with guiding them through our basketball themed room. This room had two hidden rooms separated by doors you had to solve and unlock. Each one even had its own TV too.

My team comprised of all women and they were pretty quiet, so I had to give them some extra nudges, but otherwise they did well and at the end, really got into the spirit of things! Sadly tho, they didn't break out so I went in to show them how and boy howdy, this is when things get interesting.

One puzzle you have to complete is this brochure with a cross word puzzle. Many people think you have to use this brochure for the entire game, but that's not true. It's a one and done thing. However, these ladies were CONVINCED it was crucial. Anyways, they handed it off to me and this piece of paper is SOAKED. Like, real soggy and its ripping apart. I'm confused because this is the worst state I've ever seen one of our brochures in. Didn't question it, continued to show them everything and ask if they had a good time.

As I'm ushering them up to the front, one lady approaches me and tells me that she panicked in one of the rooms. See, this room is about the 'rules of basketball' and that someone is running in to steal it and you have to find them before this mysterious thief gets it, so the TVs will periodically do emergency broadcasting beeps and have a panicked basketball player telling you you are their only hope. It DOES indeed get people panicked and makes kids cry at times.

So, she continues to tell me she believed the brochure was the actual Rules of Basketball and needed to hide it where no one could find it. At first, the way she worded it, I didn't quite get it till the whole group was done and gone. MY DUDES, SHE STUFFED THE BROCHURE IN HER PANTS.

She was sweating and this brochure had been stuffed next to her cheeks. As with all rooms, we game guides sit in the back watching and hearing the group to give them clues. I watched these people like a hawk, but she sneaked that brochure down her pants with EASE. So, in conclusion, I had a sweaty ripped brochure covered in booty sweat.

Silliest

I got two stories for this category as they are simply silly and light hearted.

The first one is a big family that also did the basketball room. One of these family members is this little girl, who couldn't be much older then like, 5. The adults were in a tizzy trying to figure out the answer to this puzzle, which was a number combo. It's loud and a lot of members are talking over each other, until I hear this little girl just spit out the answer but NO ONE heard her.

In these rooms, there is a small TV up above where I send clues and when I send one, it'll be beep. So I immediately sent them a message 'the little girl just said it! she said the answer!'. The family reads the clue and immediately, ALL the attention is on this little girl. All the adults are like 'What is it? What did you say??' and the girl is NOT prepared for this attention. She's giggling, smiling shyly and saying 'I don't know! I can't remember!' and the adults are scrambling to figure it out.

So, because the whole family was already SO close to breaking out and technically a member of their party DID say the right answer, I repeated what the little girl said to the group and they got the puzzle. It was really funny and a great time.

What running these rooms have taught me is that kids are VERY good at these escape rooms. They can by pass the bullshit and get to the actual puzzles/answers. They just need an adult to keep them focused, that's their only downside. I had SO many kids blurt out what they think the puzzle is and have adults straight up ignore them. So, I'd take the extra step and tell the adults to listen to their kids.

The second silly story is about a group of four who came to do our Y2K inspired room. This room theme was about how you are stuck at a New Years Eve party and its just about to be the year 2000, but its up to YOU to stop the computers from crashing and the world ending. I liked this one cuz you could listen to early 2000's music while the room ran. I always knew I had 3 minutes remaining in the room once Mambo Number 5 played.

Long story short, this group was struggling with a puzzle and one of them suggested to google the answer. Not sure how they would do that, but regardless, I was about to send them a message to NOT do that.

My worry was totally unwarranted, as another from their team blurted out 'You can't do that!! It's the year 2000, phones don't EXIST YET'. Which had both me and the rest of the group cracking up.

WTF Moments

as much as I loved being a game guide, I did experience a lot of fuckery in the rooms.

There is a reason most of the stuff in escape rooms are bolted down. People WILL try to destroy the room. Usually not intentionally, but some shit heads will try to on purpose, even AFTER you tell them to stop. So, sadly I do have quite a few stories.

I had a group of women come in to do our Civil War themed escape room. This room was all dark except for the lanterns you would use to pick them up and see around the room.

I had one lady yank on the portraits on the walls which I told her they do NOT come off. I told her once, she ignored it and continued. I had told her a second time and she STILL didn't heed it and RIPPED the fucker off the wall. This thing was ANCHORED INTO CONCRETE. I don't know how she did it.

Our cameras weren't the best so through the dark, the talking and everything else, I don't think I knew she did this till I came into the room to find the picture on the ground.

In the hidden room there was a pipe that is attached to the wall but is pretty fragile. This same lady kept grabbing it and pulling it at it, in which I had to tell her multiple times to STOP. She finally did after goading from both me and her team mates (her team mates especially because they were catching on that I was only sending them messages about her messing up the room). I was about to kick them out, but thank god she finally stopped.

Another group, two women, got mad at me for penalizing them for being super tardy (this isn't some unspoken rule, its a common rule at most escape rooms and is both posted on our website AND in the lobby). So, they picked every lock open in the Y2K room, messed up the flow of the puzzles, and in turn, didn't break out (womp womp).

Another group of two, a wife and a husband, did our Y2K room as an anniversary activity. The wife was nothing but smiles and was super excited to play. Her demeanor and attitude did a total 180 once the room started.

The husband got to looking at the walls, the decor, the drawers, etc. and was speaking out loud "hey, i think this might be a clue" "hey, I think this might be a puzzle", so on and so forth. She never really replied to these questions, instead ignored him and looked elsewhere. He then began solving these puzzles on his own and opening things up, which sent her into a TIZZY.

All of a sudden, she is getting pissed. "You've done this before haven't you?" "well how did you get that so fast? you done this before!" just over and over. He continued to deny it and would calmly say 'no, I haven't. I just found this and figured it was a puzzle'.

He gets to the secret room all on his own and now she is SUPER mad. Convinced he did this on his own, she sits herself down on a chair and exclaims 'Well, since you've clearly done this room before, I'll just sit here till your done' and crosses her arms.

Well, this is real fuckin awkward and I have....no idea what to say. I had tried to send freebies, but it didn't seem to help ease the tension nor make her any less pissed.

Toward the end, she did sort of try to help, but it was more like angrily stomping from place to place. At one point, she retorts 'I didn't think you would get it. You usually aren't this smart'.

which gob smacked the hell out of me. Holy jesus. This woman was terrible. I was reeeaaally not looking forward to coming into that room to ask them how things went, but ya know, its part of the job.

That's when her demeanor changed AGAIN. I opened up the door and said 'Oooh I'm sorry you guys didn't make it! Did you have fun tho?' and this woman turned to me, beaming and cheerfully saying 'omg yes it was so much fun! Were we close?' and while I was thankful it wasn't horribly awkward, it had me so incredibly confused. The poor guy was quiet but still very kind with me, but I just felt awful for him. If she was like this in an escape room, how was she like behind closed doors at home??

We also had some racist asshats come into our rooms and we had to kick them out and ban them from ever playing again. I wasn't there when this happened, so I don't have the full deets, but like damn dude.

Honorable Mentions and Other Tidbits

I had a group from Australia come in and give me a little nudge nudge, wink wink to tell me their 'coffee' was definitely not coffee. They were awesome.

I had a group forget my name, so they just called me God to ask for clues

On one of my first couple days of work, I looked away from my group for only a few minutes before discovering they had unscrewed and taken the vent cover off in my room. I never typed so fast in my life to tell them THERE ARE NO CLUES THERE OMG PLEASE DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THERE

I wasn't there for this, but my co-worker told me a story of a couple who played the basketball room, only for them to break up half way in. They sat on opposite ends of a bench in silence till time ran out

I had several instances of people getting VERY mad at me for giving them freebies.

A lot of people weirdly just...straight refused to pay attention to the TV where I gave clues. This was a bigger problem then I thought it would be for some reason.

If I had to give any tips on going to an escape room, It'd be this:

Be nice to your game guide. This should be a given, but you'd be surprised the amount of times people would forget I can see and hear them and say nasty things about me. If you are kind, you can get yourself some freebies in crucial moments or, in some super rare cases, even get some time added to your room. They WANT you to break out and are just as excited as you when you make it!

When a game guide asks if you have questions, def ask some! There is NO such thing as a dumb question. Escape rooms in of themselves are weird and not many people even know what they really /are/ or what the goal is. I know I was more than happy to answer them if asked. You'll feel better and do better if you ask.

Definitely get there at least 10-15 minutes early. Most escape rooms require you to sign a waiver and the guide has to go over all the rules before it starts, so it just makes it easier on them to keep their rooms on time. Like I said, most places have time penalties if you are late and that's simply to make sure the schedule doesn't get messed up. If you are lucky and the escape room place is small, like ours, you could get away with it, but there were times where even /we/ had to put our foot down and enact the policy.

Thank you so much for asking Mysc!! ^o^ So so sorry its a HUGE WALL of text lmaooo I tell stories in text just like I do irl -- long winded and too much context. But I freaking LOVE telling my stories from my game guide days. It was such a hoot.

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.11: “Damaged Goods”

THEN: Oh, good, we're going to have a Nick episode. I was hoping for that. (NOT.) Michael is trapped in Dean's internal walk-in. Billie has bad news related to that.

NOW: Nick interrogates a demon about another demon named Abraxis. The name sounds a little familiar and I waste a few seconds wondering where I've heard it before, but then I realize it's the demon who killed Nick's family and this has been Nick's entire focus and that's how little I care about Nick and his quest, that I couldn't even bother to remember who he was after. Anyway, he learns that the hunter who last dealt with Abraxis is in Hibbing. Oooh, who else do we know in Hibbing?

Title card!

Dean is packing. Books about angels. Tools. Work gloves. I was a little afraid we were going to ignore last week's horrifying revelation, and Dean would just sit on that information for a while. But he's wearing his Red Shirt of Bad Decisions, so we know the shit is going down tonight! \o/

He leaves the storeroom and kind of looks down the hallway, which is really insignificant the first time you watch this episode, but on rewatch you realize what he's thinking right here, and that he doesn't ever expect to see this hallway again... but I'm getting ahead of myself. He goes into the library, where Sam is quietly studying in the darkness (is that a new shirt? I like it). He ignores it when Sam asks how he's feeling. Dean tells Sam he appreciates that he's trying to help him, and Sam's all, yeah, what else would I do? He asks if Dean wants to join him, and they have this conversation.

Actually, I thought I'd go for a drive, you know, just me and Baby, long stretch of road. And figured I'd make it a two-fer, go see Mom at Donna's cabin.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Be good to see them. Just let me find a stopping point and get packed up.

Actually, I was, uh, I was kind of hoping for some one-on-one time with Mom, if that's cool.

Yeah. Sure, yeah. Whatever you need.

And I thought this conversation was going to break my heart, because Sam clearly does NOT think this trip sounds great, but he's going to go anyway because it's what Dean wants/needs to do, and then Dean rejects that, and Sam's little face is going to do me in. And on rewatch, it kind of seems like Dean is stalling here, like he can't bring himself to leave (but again, I'm getting ahead of myself) AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.

Dean comes around behind Sam and HUGS HIM and says "take care, Sammy" and I'm just WHAAAAT. NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS SUCH A BAD, BAD SIGN, SAM WINCHESTER, AND YOU KNOW IT.

And also, there goes the rest of my heart.

Cut to Mary at the aforementioned cabin, talking to Sam on the phone. She says the cabin's been quiet since Bobby took off for a few days. The old "I need a little space after killing the ghoul version of my dead son" thing. Happens to the best of us. Sam tells her he's worried because Dean's acting so weird, and mentions the hug. Mary says "that's sweet," proving that she doesn't know her sons at all. Really, Mary, you've witnessed ONE hug between them. ONE. Sam points out that they don't hug unless it's "literally the end of the world," which isn't quite true. It would be more accurate to say "unless one of us is dying or just came back from the dead," which is slightly more frequent than the end of the world Either way, Mary assures him that everything will be fine. But as Sam's talking to her, he's walking through the storerooms in the bunker and he sees some books are missing.

(Sidebar: Why are these books kept in the storeroom and not the library? And why are regular tools apparently kept with supernatural paraphernalia? Couldn't that cause problems? What if a MoL novice was sent to Storeroom 2 for a reciprocating saw and he couldn't figure out why a saw would reciprocate or what that would look like and he came back with something he dug out of a curse box instead? I'm seeing all kinds of potential OSHA violations here.)

Now we see Dean enjoying a messy burger. Oh, he's with Donna! I love Dean and Donna, y'all. She tries to ask him about himself, but he keeps deflecting. Which doesn't fool her at all, and she finally says "just wondering if you've run out of ways to ask me how I'm doing, so as to avoid me repaying the favor." She knows about Michael, because of Sam. "What, has he got a freaking newsletter," Dean grumps. But I'm glad to see Sam's been talking to his support system, because in the past, he's not done that as often as he should.

Dean ends the conversation with the typical "I'm fine" nonsense and gives Donna one of those big hugs where he looks absolutely stricken while she can't see him and then plasters on a smile when they pull apart, and you KNOW how I love when he does that. He pulls away and says "I'll see ya." But it's pretty obvious Dean is on his farewell tour and never intends to see Donna again. It's also pretty obvious that Donna can tell something is up.

Dean pulls up to the cabin, which is seriously in need of some work on the roof, and immediately hears gunshots. It turns out to be Mary murdering some pumpkins for target practice. (SHE'S STILL GOT THAT LOCK OF TOO-LONG HAIR.) He tells her he wants to stick around for a couple of days, which surprises her. She suggests they call Sam to join them, but he says he wants to be "a little greedy with my Mom time." No, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. Jesus. (Or, as someone pointed out, Sorry Sam, but Mom was MY gift.)

Mary pushes it, and Dean comes right out and says "I don't want Sam here," and again, Dean, that's not suspicious at all. How is someone who lies professionally such a BAD liar? He explains his mood away by claiming to be hangry, even though he just finished the best burger in all of Minnesota, and tells Mary he wants the one thing she can cook, something called Winchester Surprise. She heads out to the grocery store, and doesn't suggest that the son who drove all this way to see her would want to ride along. Or maybe she does, and he refuses, and they just didn't show us that part. Anyway, the important thing is, Dean's alone and he has work to do.

He gets his bag out of the Impala and strides purposely into a large shed decorated with pictures of topless guys with 70s porn 'staches. The first one reminds me a LOT of Doug 2.0, so I laugh when Dean says "Well, Donna certainly has a type." Yes she does. He finds an 8-track player, of all things, but is interrupted by a sudden burst of Michael banging on his door. The tape he chooses is the Guess Who, and the song is "No Time Left For You," which I've never liked (lots of experience with 70s music here, kiddos) but it seems appropriate. And then he gets to work, and if you thought Sam soldering last week was hot, you're in for a treat. Let's forget our annoyance with the soundtrack and concentrate on how much we appreciate Metalworking!Dean, complete with welding helmet and safety goggles, under the watchful eyes of several shirtless moustachioed cowboys.

Mmmm, yes, we do appreciate it.

(Sidebar: Where did all this metal come from?)

Meanwhile, at the grocery store, we get a fake-out where we think someone threatening is accosting Mary, but it's only a friendly employee. And we also see that Mary puts her grocery bags in the bed of her truck? So not only does she not know how to cook, but she doesn't even know where to PUT FOOD? I.e., IN THE CAB?

He says buying food is new for her, because she usually buys whiskey, pumpkins, and crossword puzzles. Damn, Mary, it really seems like things aren't going well out there at the Love Shack if you're spending all day drinking, shooting pumpkins, and doing crossword puzzles. I'm gonna go ahead and call it - Mobby is doomed. She tells him she has family in town, which I expect to turn into the inevitable oh no, this guy is a demon and now he knows Dean is there.

But I'm exactly wrong. Nick pulls up in the creepiest windowless van possible and asks the guy if he knows where Mary Winchester is. Because why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't Random Grocery Store Guy know where everyone in Hibbing Minnesota, population 16,361, resident or guest, lives? Random Grocery Store Guy pretends he doesn't know who she is. Good for him.

(BTW, the fastest route from Lebanon to Hibbing is about 12.5 hours. But it's all interstate and I suspect either Winchester would take the route that uses more state highways and is 13.5 hours.)

(Sidebar: Yes, when I open Mapquest, Lebanon is always in my Recents. Is that not normal?)

Apparently Nick decides he'll just cruise the greater Hibbing area and try to find her, because we seem him after nightfall driving his creepy van. A police car drives by, and then turns around and pulls him over. He makes sure his stolen angel blade is in place and hides a paperclip somewhere on his person before the officer gets to him. Oooh, it's Donna!

She cuffs him and tells him the van's been reported stolen, but she also reveals she knows he's looking for Mary, and don't like the way she lays all her cards on the table like that. Let him think you're just arresting him for a stolen car, Donna. Don't let him know you're onto his Grand Scheme. He says his name is "Nunya" and then "Eat Me" (oooh, is he related to the Eat Me Sam met a few seasons ago?), but she's got some kind of mobile fingerprint scanner. Does this thing exist? She discovers who he is, but while her back is turned, he uses his paperclip to get out of the cuffs. They fight, and she seems to have the upper hand, but he gets her taser and that's the end of that.

Love Shack. When Mary pulls up, Dean is outside by the door to the Shed of Mysterious Building. He lies about what he's doing out there and carries the groceries inside, to where the table is set and he wants to help her cook (THIS IS NOT OKAY) and she FINALLY realizes something is up. (Also, Dean, we know you're not a terrible cook. Don't lie just to make your mom feel better.) She quietly talks to Sam from upstairs (though not quietly enough, Dean totally would have heard her in the real world) and agrees that something is going on. Sam tells her about the missing items and says he thinks he should come up, but she says to give her more time. WHY, MARY. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE PERSON TO ADDRESS THIS AND NOT SAM. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON KEEPING HIM 13.5 HOURS AWAY. WHY. It doesn't matter, because when Sam hangs up, we see he's already on his way. YES. THAT'S MY BOY.

Dinner. Dean tells a funny/tragic story about their childhood and Mary gets a case of The Sads, realizing how much she's missed and "how much the two of you just..." Just everything, Mary. They just EVERYTHING. Together. Without John, without you. AND STILL YOU THINK SAM SHOULD SIT IN THE BUNKER AND LET YOU HANDLE THIS. DAMMIT, MARY.

Anyway. Dean says her being alive has meant "everything to me, and everything to Sam." He claims to appreciate this wonderful time they're having, but he falters when he says "there's no clouds on the horizon." Because it's a LIE. She tells him he can talk to her about whatever he's going through, and he says "Everybody keeps asking me how I am. And how I am, is I don't want to talk about it. Please."

Oh lord, his face.

Later, as he snores gently on the couch, we see Mary tiptoe downstairs and outside, to check out what's happening in the Shed of Mysterious Building. (Sidebar: Dean sleeps with one arm flung behind his back, which I think we first saw in No Escape, and I always thought it was an odd and fake-looking way to sleep until I realized I actually do that sometimes myself.) She looks through the books and things and figures out what he's doing and it must be bad because she says "no, no, no." Meanwhile, Donna is waking up inside her own cruiser. I wonder why Nick left her alive?

Dean wakes up to the sound of a ringing phone. It's not his, it's Mary's. Donna is calling to warn him about Nick. But it's too late, because when Dean goes outside, Mary isn't there. But Sam is. "Hey, whoa, easy!" he says, facing down Dean's gun, and that tickles me for some reason.

Creepy van. Nick whines to Mary. He found email from Mary in Donna's phone, giving the address of the Love Shack. He thinks Mary knows where Abraxis is. She does - the demon is trapped inside an Enochian puzzle box in a storage locker, locately conveniently in or near Hibbing. I don't care about any of this.

At the Love Shack, Sam blames himself for Nick running around like a free madman, because of course he does. Donna's APB gets a result - the creepy van has been spotted outside Grand Rapids. Donna says that's 30-40 minutes away, but Grand Rapids is actually 11.5 hours away from Hibbing. Maybe there's a little town called Grand Rapids near Hibbing. A town so small that Mapquest doesn't even know about it.

(I KNOW. NO ONE CARES. MOVING ON.)

Nick gets the Enochian puzzle box (yeah, this scene goes on FOREVER and I'm skipping a lot here, is anyone complaining? nope didn't think so) and wants to release the demon so they can talk. Mary points out that the demon needs a host to talk, and it can't be Nick and it can't be her, and she flashes an anti-possession tattoo as explanation. So drills the box open and Nick forces the storage locker employee to be the host. Abraxis says he'll tell Nick why they killed his family if he kills Mary slow and bloody.

While this is happening, we see Sam and Dean on that 30 minute/11.5 hour drive to Grand Rapids. Sam looks despondent, and they have this conversation:

Say it. I can see you want to. Might as well go ahead and say it.

All right. Nick is not a project. He's not a freaking puppy. He was Lucifer's vessel for years.

I know that, Dean, I thought -

You thought he'd what, just walk it off? Come on, man, you're not that dumb.

It's not about being dumb, Dean, it's called compassion. Look, what happened to Nick could have happened to me. It almost happened to me. You change one little thing in our past and that WAS me! Lucifer wearing ME to the prom. Besides, since when do we give up on people? Since when do we just cut people loose?

Well, maybe you need to learn, okay? Because when people are past the point of saving, maybe you need to learn to walk away.

Ouch. I hurt for both of them. Poor Sam, seeing himself in Nick and wanting to save that guy the way he wishes someone had wanted to save him. Having faith in Nick's potential the way he wanted someone, anyone, to have faith in his own. And Dean obviously isn't talking about Nick, at least not there at the end, because we've heard it from Dean before, talking about himself. I can't be saved; walk away.

The guys arrive at the storage locker just in time to stop Nick from killing Mary slow and bloody. Nick scratches out the devil's trap that's holding the demon, and Abraxis immediately tosses them around and tells Nick he was chosen completely at random. Damn, Nick is as whiny as Lucifer was. (I wonder who influenced who? Discuss.)

Dean tries to quietly exorcise the demon, but Abraxis flings him against a shelf and we get a flash of skin. But before he can start killing anyone, Nick stabs him with the stolen angel blade. Then Nick acts like he's going to stab the others if they don't let him escape, so Donna shoots him in the leg. Dammit, Donna, this was the perfect opportunity to kill him. He already killed one person, and he was threatening to kill the rest of you. It would have been a clean shoot. Instead, Mary punches the wounded whiny baby and Sam does a wee little version of his glorious post-exertion huff.

Outside, Sam gives Nick a sad, confused look.

Why?

I needed the truth, Sam. I needed revenge for my family. You would have done the same thing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, I'm sorry I didn't know how.

It's not about you, Sam. It was never about you. You couldn't fix me because I didn't want to be fixed. I was never broken.

Yeah, Nick, you are. I don't feel sorry for you, Nick. I feel sorry for the people you hurt, the people you murdered. The people whose faces will haunt you every night for the rest of your life. You can burn.

FUUUUUCK. That's cold as hell and it's not like Sam Winchester at all and I love it to pieces. He's finally given up on this asshole. But it's finally time to move away from the B plot, and Mary tells Dean she saw what he was building in the shed. She knows what he's building, she knows what he's planning, and the three of them ARE going to talk about it. And if he doesn't tell Sam, she will. So, you finally think Sam's input is important, Mary? Good to know.

When the sun rises, we're back at the Shed of Mysterious Building. Dean is showing Sam what he's done. He calls it something like a "maloch box," which I'm sure is spelled wrong. It looks like a giant coffin (yeah, about that...) Nothing can escape it, not even an archangel. Sam knows what they are but says they're impossible to build, and Dean's all, "not so much." And then they have this conversation and I'm sorry (no I'm not), but I had to transcribe the whole thing.

That's your plan? You want to be buried alive?

Buried's not safe enough. Plan is, pay a little hush money, charter a boat to take me out to the Pacific. Splash.

You and Michael, trapped, together, for eternity.

Yeah.

You do realize how insane this is, right?

It's the only sane play I've got. Michael gets out, that's it for this world. And he will get out.

How do you know that for sure?

Because I do. Because I can feel him, in my head. That door is giving. I can feel it giving.

There has to be another way.

There's not, okay? There's... Sam, you've tried. Cas has tried. Jack. And I love you for trying, but none of it's going to work.

But we don't know that!

Yeah, we do.

What?

Billie. She paid me a little visit. She said that there's only one way that this ends right. And this is it. This, right here. This box. So she gave up the special recipe and all I had to do was the work. It's fate.

Since when do we believe in fate?

Now, Sam. Since now.

So, you came out here, to see Donna, to see Mom, on some what, some sick secret farewell tour? You were gonna leave, and you weren't even gonna tell me. Me. Do you realize how messed up that is? How unfair that is?

I didn't have a choice! Sam, you're the last person I could tell, the last person I could be around, cause you're the only one that could have talked me out of it! And I won't be talked out of it. I won't. I'm doing this. Now you can either let me do it alone, or you could help me. But I'm doing this.

...

All right.

Oh, guys.

Well, I've got to admit, Dean's prophesied horrifying death was a letdown. First, because it wasn't even new - it was basically the same fate Death offered him when he had the MoC. Worse, sure. Being locked in a box with an angry archangel rather than floating in space and having some kind of dream life, never a good option. (ASK SAM. HE KNOWS.) But mostly because it didn't live up to his reaction when he first read Billie's book. I was sure (and I wasn't alone) that his tearful reaction meant it was going to involve something horrible for someone he loves (SAM). But this? The Dean we know would have reacted the way he did when Rowena told him he had to "be the bomb" in order to destroy Amara. Yeah, this sucks, but I always knew it was gonna end ugly, so, whaddya gonna do?

(Sidebar: This brings up an interesting question. I know an angel's vessel is immortal, but would Dean still be immortal even though Michael was trapped inside his head? Would the fact that Michael wasn't in the driver's seat stop him from keeping his vessel alive? Or would the angel's grace do that all on its own?)

But oh, guys. This scene. THIS SCENE. These two. Dean saying I love you for trying. Dean at the beginning, chin up, so defiant, so defensive because this is exactly what he was afraid of - telling Sam, and having to stick to his plan. (He's probably remembering the last time Sam talked him out of this very thing, kneeling on the floor in front of him, agreeing to support the plan for Dean to lock himself up with the Mark of Cain forever, looking up at him with the puppy dog eyes and nodding to accept that Dean has to cut his head off in order to prevent him from undoing that act; or maybe he's not actually remembering that but now I am, goddammit guys, I need a minute.) And Sam realizing that last little hug was Dean's last planned goodbye, and being so angry and so hurt, and the way he looks so young there at the end, when he stops and finally says "all right." I know we've seen this before but IT STILL GETS ME. EVERY DAMN TIME.

(Sidebar: Did Dean leave Sam a note? Is it in the bunker somewhere? Because Sam's last conversation with his father was the old man saying I don't know why we always fight, now go away and his last conversation with his brother would have been I want to go visit Mom without you. Discuss. Fanfic it. Come wail with me about it.)

(Also... Dean's farewell tour didn't include Cas? Jack? Jody?)

Well. Happy 40th birthday, Dean Winchester.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

So, this episode? Too much Nick. Not enough Sam. Things that did not live up to expectations. But also, things that were wonderfully unexpected. I've seen worse, my friends. What did you think? And please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!