#i've been on tumblr too much recently i think it's getting super unhealthy maybe i should disappear again lol

[boytransmission]

Idk if you would answer something personal like this but I thought I’d shoot my shot!

For background I’m 20, queer/enby and just starting to get into bdsm/kink this past year or two. I also prefer a submissive/brat role and your page has helped me a lot in feeling a community and understanding.

How did you learn about this side of yourself/explore it, have you found community that makes you feel validated in it and can share it with, and how do you work through shame if you experience that?

I hope you have the best day I appreciate you!

-🫀

Heyy howdy! i'm so happy to hear my little corner of tumblr has helped you out at all, that's really cool :) I don't feel super qualified to answer your questions, but i'll do my best under the cut

I learned about this side of myself very, very early on lol. I was extremely hypersexual as a child (didn't know what a sexuality was so i just fantasized about everyone) then got scared of myself from like 9-14 (came out as bi at 11, lesbian at 12), then got back to it as a highschooler (13: trans & bi; 15-18:gay ftm). I never got with anyone (didn't start screwing till i was 18), but i poked around 20th century queer art and history and photography (mostly from the u.s., and mostly gay male), and by the time i joined in on the grindr scene at 18 i had an idea of how i wanted to be thrown around. I explored it all in a pretty horrible, unhealthy way through grindr. I fell in love with a transfem who was my first for everything but was secretly using me as "the other man" the whole time, i was always too scared to actually deny sex to anyone who i wound up meeting in person which did a horrific number on my body, and i was obviously chased all over the map by cis male fetishists, and i got with several of them and dated one who was extremely... i don't know. Manipulative? Violent? It's more confusing than that. I was having sex as an addict running away from my real life issues and emotional struggles, and i fucked myself over so much worse than any one hookup or short-term relationship possibly could've. I realized i needed to cut it all off, and i did, and it forced me to seriously think about where i stand sexually. I was right when i was a kid- i'm a dyke. As imaginitive as i was when i was younger, i haven't been 'hypersexual' since i was maybe 13, and i am definitely demisexual. The trauma i experienced from august 2022 to july 2023 has caused extremely intense bouts of sex-repulsion fluctuating against sex addiction which has been... tough. But with all that said, coming back to my dyke roots and listening to my younger self and pursuing butchness and fagdyke bullshit has helped me heal so, so much. It was rough realizing that what i was doing was a twisted version of comphet, something i stupidly thought i was more or less immune to. This community and all the art and people and ideas that come out of it are so insanely incredible and touching to me. I've always been part of the trans community, but the trans dyke community is so much stronger together than the gay trans community was for reasons i don't know.

I currently live in a small town in florida with no nearby major cities, and even if there were, i can't afford a car (let alone gas or insurance) and i'm stuck at home when i'm not at work. It's miserable, and all those issues combined mean there's no community here for me to engage with, not queer and definitely not kinky. I've been wanting to move to a bigger city, and when i was visiting Seattle i got my first real ticket into a trans kink community that was so warm, welcome, open, and i was so, so floored and beyond happy i got to experience it, even if it was just one meet up at a cafe. Finding community in smaller areas is excruciating.... even if you take initiative to build it, it's likely there's no one actually There to join in.... i mope about it a lot. But online i feel like i have recently found a good circle of people/mutuals/etc to share in butch/dyke/trans sexuality and leather kinks and pretty much everything i've talked about on this blog, despite how badly it's lacking for me irl :,,)

Something that ties the two paragraphs together: i really don't struggle with shame in any bit of what i do or who i am, unless i'm going through a paranoid fit of sex-repulsion, in which case the only thing i'm really shameful about is having an online presence at all. Sometimes i get paranoid and scared off my ass that i'll never be separated from these fantasies and images, that i'll always be seen as a little, young fucktoy, or that i'm still in addiction and punishing myself and this is all self-harm when i know (in normal states) that it isn't.

Also sooooo glad you're a brat, isn't it so much fun? How am i not supposed to be a bit snarky from time to time and how am i not supposed to obsess over the punishments i'll get? It's always a win win i fucking love being a little piece of shit lollll

[latejulys]

omg 💀