#i've been obsessed with so many things but i always always come back to 1d

[niallandtommo]

happy 9th birthday to this blog 🥳

[isakyakihasmyheart]

Mind Dump 5 years on...

This is the first time I've logged into this account since 2019(ish) so I'm pretty sure there's going to be no one left here but if you are, Hi! I'm just going to dump this post here because I am a tumblr girl at heart and laying my most deepest thoughts to strangers on the internet is all I've ever known...

After the recent news of the death of Liam Payne 2 days ago I've been thinking about this website non-stop. Like many people, this news hit me so unexpectedly emotionally. Grieving someone I never knew, but also grieving a time in my life I can never ever experience again.

My life has changed so much since I last logged into this account, and yet so little at the same time. I started this account in early 2017 after I got into SKAM back in 2016, abandoning a previous Dan and Phil centred account I had from 2014. I was still in school, the last season of SKAM lining up with my own life of leaving school and starting university. I remember thinking that was so cool, watching these characters I grew to adore also experiencing their last year alongside me. I started university in late 2018, studying to become a nurse but yet never got over SKAM. Instead, I became obsessed DRUCK and connected to Matteo in a way I haven't ever experienced with another fictional character since (the only close match being Connell from Normal People in that one uni scene iykyk). However, I ultimately ended up abandoning this account in 2019.

I don't actually know why I stopped coming on this website. Because since I was 14 this website was all I could ever think about. Me and best friend in 2014 were absolutely obsessed with tubmlr. We would literally spend hours on this website reblogging the most random things, and things that at that point in our lives meant so much to us. And with this recent news, I've felt this strong tsunami of nostalgia for that period of my life.

I was never a 1D blog, but I loved 1D. Not very openly as I had older sisters who made fun of me for it. I squashed any outwardly expression of my love for them to avoid this at all costs. A major cost being turning down to go and see them in concert in 2014/2015 when my friend (mentioned above) had an extra ticket. I think about that often and regret it every time. When covid came around and we were in lockdown I was in the mid/end of my 2nd year of uni, 20 years of age. I know a lot of people talk of how they regressed back to their younger passions, and so did I. I had the full 1D experience I never let myself have, not caring about others' opinions on it (mainly my older sister). I listened to their music nonstop every single day, watching so many edits and even reading fan fics. I truly felt like I was 14 again. But there was always that voice in the back of my head saying, "you're too late, it's not the same, you've missed out on it all." I yearned with everything in me to be that teenage girl again. It was during this period in 2020 that my family relationships also became very volatile and dysfunctional, meaning 1D became an even bigger safe space for me.

I've always been a nostalgic person in the worst way possible. I can't help but let the regrets of things I never did consume me. The thoughts of how different my life could be, how different I could be, it always plagues me. I know this sounds dramatic because I'm talking about a 2010s boyband, believe me I know it does.

But I was 14 when my life started to go to shit, when my mental health first started to decline and truthfully it has never recovered. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I always felt like that 14 year old girl, scared and alone and hurting so bad with no one to help her. And the unbelievable shocking news of Liam Payne dying, it's just transporting me back to that period of my life. Even more so as I lost my dad very unexpectedly and traumaticly in March this year.

I just feel so full of grief for so many things all at once, all separate yet all so intertwined. I would truly give anything and everything I have to just relive being that teenage girl, even the unspeakable bad parts. And it makes me so angry to know I can't. And of course, I can't, because that's not how time works! Yet it feels like I can't breathe when I come to that realisation. In all its dramatic flare, it genuinely feels like it's killing me that I can't ever experience that life again.

All in all, I'll never truly forget this website. Especially not this account, I loved this account! Maybe this is just the part of growing up I'm currently struggling with. I'm 24 now, which in itself is scary because no matter what I am and always will be that 14 year old girl.

Girlhood is forever and always xx

[lestappenforever]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag, @lattesqueeze. 🥹

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 31! I used to have a lot more on my old account, but I deleted them all and the account ages ago.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 182,588 apparently. Jesus fuck, I did not realize it was that high.

3. Which fandoms do you write for? These days? Only F1 RPF, but I used to write for several others, including (but not limited to) Cut & Run, Men's Football RPF, McFly RPF, and Teen Wolf.

4. Which are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes) - My first Lestappen fic, my baby, my pride and joy

2. 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To) - My first collab fic with the lovely Ilse (@f1writingbyme) 💕

3. Something Unholy - Lestappen lap dance/dirty talk PWP

4. Speak Now (Or Forever Hold Your Peace) - A personal Lestappen favorite

5. No Time For Regret (No Time For Sleep) - Lestappen PWP set after the 2023 Belgian Grand Prix

5. Do you reply to your comments? Why or why not? Yes, I do! I've made it my mission to reply to every single comment I get on my work, because the fact that there are people out there who not only read my work, but they also take the time to leave a comment, is such a huge deal to me and it makes me so happy. The least I can do is make sure they all get a reply.

6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending? Ooof, I guess The Last Straw? The ending itself isn't the angstiest part of the fic, but the entire thing is angsty as hell.

7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending? I'd say most of my fics have happy endings, but the happiest? Probably Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes), or the first sequel Like Snow At The Beach (Weird, But Fucking Beautiful).

8. Do you get hate on your fics? Haven't gotten any hate so far on my current AO3 account! I used to get a bit of hate on my fics when I used to write for another fandom (1D, despite not being a 1D fan myself, I only wrote requests from other people) years ago, though, because back then there was apparently a "right or wrong way" to write fics, and there were always people who thought you were doing it wrong.

9. Do you write smut? I do. Admittedly, it's my least favorite thing to write, but I do write it.

10. Do you write crossovers? I've never tried, and I've never had an urge to so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Only one! (That I know of.) It was the first 1D fic I wrote and somebody tried to pass it off as their own. Didn't work very well for them.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet, but I was actually contacted by a lovely person who wants to translate some of my F1 fics, which is a huge honor. So it's coming!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic? Yes, I have! I co-wrote a fic with an old friend back in my McFly obsession days, and I've co-written two Lestappen fics with my darling @f1writingbyme.

19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), and Ride The Bull (Giddy Up, Partner).

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? All-time? I honestly don't know if I can pick because all of my favorite ships have been my all-time favorite ship at the time I was hyperfixating on them. But, if I have to make a choice, I'd say it's a tie between Lestappen and Junes (Harry Judd/Danny Jones from McFly).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but probably never will? Oh, man, I don't have one because my brain will not let me start a WIP without finishing it. Once I start writing something, my OCD and anxiety kicks in, and I just have to finish it. And if I can't finish it, I delete the whole thing and never think of it again. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

16. What are your writing strengths? Angst and endings, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Smut, without a doubt. Despite having written a fuckton of smut in my life, there is nothing that stresses me out more than when I get to the part in a fic where smut belongs. Reading back my own smut makes me cringe.

18. What are your thoughts on writing in other languages in fics? If it's done properly, I say go for it! I personally don't mind it at all and find it adds depth to a lot of work. Just make sure you use something other than Google Translate if you don't speak the language, and preferably check with someone who speaks the language, to make it as believeable to a native reader as possible.

19. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for? McFly. God, those were the days. I was a literal child back then.

20. What’s your favourite fic that you’ve written? Definitely Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes). Writing that fic altered my brain chemistry, and I can still remember how I felt writing the different chapters. And also 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), because that was just so fun from start to finish.

Tagging @f1writingbyme, @nico-di-genova, and @f1posting (and anyone else who wants to do this and hasn't already been tagged!).

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

Do you think Louis will get his time to shine....

I was a larrie for a while and every time I'd see sentences like "oh Louis will get a chance soon" " Louis time to shine will come" ..... And these were by louie larries bc h leaning larries don't really care about Louis and just want him to do manager or bts work...

I unlarried a while ago...bc I just grew up ig it's just very weird speculating about someone's life especially for someone like who found the idea of obsessing over celebrities wierd and obsessing over their love life was the epitome of madness... Idk why I fell into the Larry ship hole....

But I was pretty into the whole 1d thing and Larry like I never was a fan girl of anything major (except for hp but again I was never into a fandom cuz of it.. It just me reading ho books and watching movies.. And getting hp stuff just wasn't this Obbsesive and j didn't really share it with anyone ) ......

But now it's just disappointed in myself for spending so much time money and energy into something which doesn't even make me happy anymore and I get growing out of things but this doesn't feel like that... (For example I stopped supporting jk Rowling after her whole transphobic comments and shit I sold all my hp books and merch but I have no bitter feelings towards it or anger towards myself like if a hp movie is on tv I'll watch it ) but it's not like that with 1d .... I look back at 1d and it's bittersweet... I can't enjoy the mvs or the music.... It just feels wierd....

Same with h he annoys me sooo much i always liked him the least... Larry was like the only redeeming quality of his to me (he seemed too narcissistic for my liking)

So.... The point of alll this ranting is how do u remain positive.... As a louie...

Watched sooooo many celebs on hslot today it did give me a sour taste in my mouth

I've never really had been in a fandom (for any shows or celeb) so 1d was like the first thing where I actually liked someone and THEN they became famous and I got to make loads of friends n shit so.... The turning of events in the last 6 years disappoints me soooo much

And ik I make it sound so dramatic but I just needed to rant also don't post this it'll just bring drama.....

I just needed to rant in hopes of not feeling so bitter about things :)

If you read this absolute vomit of words this far I truly respect you. Also thankyou for actually reading this . Hope u have a good day and only good things happen to the ones who truly deserve it

Hello!

[[MORE]]

Harry Styles is now so saturated and inescapable in pop culture that he actually feels oppressive to me. Of course, I say this as someone who dislikes him and his tactics, so I understand my negative bias and I don’t expect others to feel the same way. To me, Harry is a source of an emotional trauma that’s constantly rubbed in my face, mostly because of my personal experiences in this fandom. It would be easier to walk away. Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of person.

Having said that, I would say all of the other 1D guys have some post-Harry Styles, post-1D traumatic syndrome in their own personal ways, just expressed differently. Even Niall’s casual joke has to be done in a way that’s complimentary to Harry, and that itself feels (to me) like the oppressive reach of industry power, a type of trained self-censorship that reifies the structure of power.

(I won’t go into detail about Liam, Louis, Zayn etc. because it’s all been documented ad nauseum.)

For a 1D fan, to see the 1D men’s relationships revealed as tiered power dynamics is disillusioning, but this is industry 101.

Bands have broken up before. The Beatles often talked shit about each other. It can get divisive and ugly. But before the internet, industry didn’t have the instantaneous and overreaching power of digital manipulation that they have now. Harry’s alignment with Google and Live Nation is emblematic of that consolidation of power.

Louis is an intelligent person who must work inside this framework — he isn’t separate from industry either. Louis has only acknowledged his difficulties in oblique ways, “Right. Let’s go again.” “6 years of build up energy waiting for this moment” “Who the fuck’s gonna stop us?” “No major label, no radio play, no promo.” — because of the same self-imposed censorship that I mentioned before. What else can he say?

Louis channels his trauma creatively, into his songs, and like he says, he’s lucky to have a fandom who will listen and support him. It’s a tightrope act in some ways, one that he’s been walking for six years. The fact that all the guys are still able to make music, find their audiences, and expand their own tastes and circles of friends— their survival alone, despite the Styles war machine— is remarkable.

My point is that Louis is continually making his own chance, over and over, despite many obstacles. His personality is one of optimism and persistence. He seems to draw a dedicated fanbase with his values, and from what I can see, the percentage of solo fans is increasing. The chance to perform live is really pivotal for him. I think the landscape for Louis will look very different at the end of 2022.

[softxsuki]

I have a question for you! Just a simple one really. What's something that you know you do differently than most people? I'm curious because what you answer would be. (Or another question if you don't want to do this one: What are you most grateful for?) - ⚜️

Hmm, interesting questions! I'll answer them both for you!

Something I know I do differently from most people: It's hard to tell what's going on in everyone's mind or their daily life, so idk if these things are actually things that most people don't do lol, but I'll still say them

If I have a plate of food, I eat the parts I like the least first, and save my favorite for last

As for my writing, I think this is pretty different, but I write out a basic draft using bulletpoints first, then I go through and fill in with more details or rearrange some things. I can't write out a full story and post it like that, there's always something I have to change

I daydream everywhere. I used to go to this park when I was younger and at the time I was super obsessed with One Direction (lol) and I'd have very vivid daydreams while swinging on a swing, of a tour bus stopping by the park and the 1D boys coming out and inviting me on tour with them NFJEKAFJN

Even now though, I still daydream at work. I was laughing to myself because I fully pictured this cute scenario with Bakugou and I full on started giggling to myself 💀

Something I do different on tumblr: I'm nice (I hope). I've seen so many blogs who only care about their mutuals. Like they only do certain events for their mutuals and only act friendly towards them and I never understood that. It always discouraged me from even sending them an ask, even though I was on anon, because I felt like I didn't belong. I want to give love to everyone whether they're my moot or not, so I hope everyone feels welcome to speak to me on my blog! Let me know if there's anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable talking to me :D

These are probably all generic I'm sorry. I can't really think of anything more specific FJKEABF

AS FOR WHAT IM THANKFUL FOR;

I'm thankful firstly to God for getting me this far in everything; He's the one that pushed me to start this blog and actually share my writing with people. He brought me the most comfort after my aunt passed away last year, He brought my job opportunity to me at the most perfect moment, and He's helped me out of my most darkest days so definitely very thankful for Him.

I'm of course thankful for my parents who helped raise me (though I am very different from them) but they supported me financially and to this day my dad still helps me out whenever I need it

I'm thankful for my friends, especially my friend Tay who brought me back to my faith. Her and I were destined to meet NFEOAF and I can't wait to meet her in person one day! But also my friend Melissa, who has been with me since 10th grade and stayed by my side when I unfriended my ex-bff who we were mutual friends with. She supports me so much, no questions asked and I know she's someone I can go to for anything and she'll drop everything to help me out

I'm thankful to have a job and a decent income

Thankful to have a car so I don't have to ride a train for 2 hours to get to work

and lastly, IM THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU; this past year has been incredible because of you guys (especially this past week). I love how understanding you all are even though I'm sure it's frustrating that I have over 100 requests, but I keep doing events and other things in between, but I'm thankful you're all still around. I've been extra happy this week though because more of you are reaching out to me through my asks just to talk or to ask me questions like this and it makes me feel like we're all really close friends (even though I do already consider you all my friends. OR EVEN FAMILY, this blog is our own little family)

There we go. Thank you again for the questions, I love stuff like this <3

[mr-mr-ontheradio]

This is cute but I don't think Olivia is a Larry song. I think Harry wrote Olivia for the fans.. I mean just look at the first verse..

Remember the day we were giving up: Hiatus

When you told me I didn't give you enough: we all know directioners have an extreme level of obsessiveness that demanded more of the boys than they could give, which is one of the reasons they did 4 tours and 5 albums in 5 years.

And all of your friends said I'd be leavin ya: Hiatus/breakup rumors were running rampant long before they announced it, esp after Zayn left. Many fans thought that Harry would follow suit.

She's lying in bed with my t-shirt on: merchhh. what self respecting one direction fan didn't own at least one 1D shirt?

Thinking how I went about it wrong: the fan reaction was probably the scariest part about hiatus. they knew it would devastate everyone. They also knew there was never going to be a good time for it, and people were going to feel abandoned by them, but they needed a break and it needed to be done.

So yeah that's pretty obviously about the upcoming hiatus. The chorus is basically saying "please understand I still love you, and I'll always love you. You're the reason I live the life I do. Please don't let me go."

These are sentiments Harry has expressed to the fans literally every opportunity he gets. At One Direction's final concert, he says "please don't forget about us" to the crowd :/

He also kinda uses a play on words with "idolzing" and "idolized in" like "i've been idolized in the light in your eyes" or, in other words, "you all look at me like God himself is looking back at you" which... he aint wrong...

Some other notable lyrics..

'cause I got the feeling you're walking out: boybands have a notoriously short lifespan, and no doubt they were told if they went on Hiatus the fans would move on to the next big thing.

There's something I'm having nightmares about: He's terrified of being forgotten.

Harry had always expressed a desire to be in the spotlight forever..

and a deep fear of losing his fame..

Which isn't to say he's, like, a fame-whore or anything. It just shows that his self-identity is tied up in being a performer, and that, for him, fame = success. He knows he wouldn't be able to continue doing this job he loves if he wasn't famous anymore.

The summertime and butterflies all belong to your creation: One Direction's success comes right down to fan dedication since day one (and the talent and perfection of the boys themselves obviously) but Harry is saying all the good things that have happened for him are because of us.

So yeah sorry if that's not what the song means for you but there are plenty of other songs about Larry and I think it's the most amazing thing that Harry considers us such an important part of his life that he literally wrote is a love song.