#i've been into multiple things the last year that i Enjoyed and equal/similar amount to re8 on a practical level

[monster-noises]

I had a weird emotions experience today that i need to just grumble out of my system but i'm in bed on my phone so I can't do a read more whup sorry.. i'll try not to go on tooooo long

So basically I was tagged in a little Meme on twitter today (a welcome and plesant suprise!!!! People were thinking of me?? People think enough of meme to tag me in a meme??! Unheard of! I do not exsist! What!!?!) It was a really simple fun little sharing thing like "list 3 characters that mean the world to you" nothing that requires a lot of thought really...

Except when you're me and everything is Serious and Impactful and needs Due Consideration e-e

So not only did i like.. agon i z e over who the 3rd character was going to be but even before i posted it i was in Defense Mode

I was ready to GO to defend my choices, in particularly Heis, i felt like i was going to put this out on my twitter and people were going to judge me for it and i was going to have to plead my case why.. lets be honest it was Just Karl I was worried about, deserved a Spot on That List.

I felt people were just wa i t i ng on the wings to be like "reallyyy? Means the WORLD to you?? Hasn't he only been around for half a year At Most? Aren't you just in an obssessive phase and he'll go away for the next thing in a few months? He means the w o r l d to you?? Really???" And just general like.. derision and judgement, usually based on the idea that's it's some kinda foolish clouded choice that A) is like.. some way important and serious I guess and B) is Wrong (????)

And ahhh!! It makes me so angry!!!

Because no one was!!! There was no one waiting in the wings to Get Me!! Of /course/ not!!! Half the people in the tag line ahead of me had him on their too!! Why would it suddenly be Not Okay for /me/ to put him on there?? Under what Fucking Circumstances would that make ANY sense???!

The only thing that happened is i got some likes from my mutuals and regulars and the folks i tagged quoted tweeted their own! Just a small!! Pleasant!! Time!!

But I still felt so fucking nervous and slightly ashamed, like part of being ready to defend myself was going "yeah yeah i know it's weird that he's here.." like this shuffling embarassment that I was letting my enjoyment of a thing "cloud my judgement" or something from what I "actually" cared about or was "actually" meaningful to me

And it sucks so much that i can trace this all back to liter a l l y one event in highschool, where my friend at the time questioned me and chidded me for putting a band i had recently gotten into (gazette, the j-rock group, if you were wondering) in a fairly large chunk (size of the chunk represented level of inspiration) on an "artistic inspiration" board, not even for class, but for the Meme on deviantart... She said all those things to me, about how it didn't count because i had just gotten into it, that it Couldn't be that much of an inspiration to my work, that I was just putting it there because it was a fresh new thing i liked and not Actually inspiration.

And that shit's fucking stuck with me So Bad

(And of course there's more than that, definitely a few other relationships that reinforced that mindset of Always Have A Defense Ready, but THAT is where it started)

I've always had trouble sharing my interests due to fear of judgement/general lack of interest, but that kinda ruined my sense of trusting what the things i like Mean to me, even if they've been around for a while.

Cause even with Gazette, even if they didn't stick around as inspiration in the long run.. fucking!!! They were on that day!! For that period!!! I can think of several ideas i had directly inspired by their music, and several more long term concepts that have stuck with me! And guided me in certain directions that track back to it! So like!! They kinda did stick with me!

Things are and should be allowed to shift and change as slowly or rapidly as they please, not only is it not that serious but also it's stupid to think there's a like.. a Valid or Sacred amount of time you have to spend with a thing before it becomes worthy of Influencing or Inspiring you. Or having some level of profound meaning in your life.

Everything we interact with leaves it's mark on us, whether we know to acknowledge that right away or not.

But I always feel so afraid and ready to fucking Fight now whenever I am asked to share what I love when there is absolu t e l y no reason for it! /I/ know what heisenberg means to me, whether he sticks around or not, I know how Gazette inspired me at the time, and I know a silly little share-along meme on twitter isn't the be-all-end-all of personal character analysis.

But it always fucking feels like it is and I hate that my brain Is This Way. I'm sick of it.

Ugh

Not sure that theirs a sharp conclusion here, it's just a Bad Brain Thing i have to fight on the Regsulars

I Just needed to.. reservidly shout about it