#i've been Reflecting a lot on the things from my childhood and just Life and theres been a lot of crying and Appreciation and generally jus

[strawbebbiesart]

Crochigi (crochet Tigi) 🐅🪴⛵️

[desolateyears]

Have a mini fic about Steve annotating books and Eddie finding it really hot🖤

So obviously, Eddie's a bookworm. Before he had any friends, he spent the better parts of his childhood at Hawkins Library after school and Hawkins Middle's library during any recesses and lunches. He constantly read books, this was before Wayne got him a guitar and before he got into dnd, and being a bookworm tremendously helped him fuel both of those hobbies later on. But before then? The library was like a second home to him. 

And so, recently founding out that Steve reads, like a lot, is something of a revalation. It's not that Eddie thinks the guy is stupid, but he figured the guy spent time doing other productive hobbies at home. But the guy reads, and as previously mentioned, Eddie considers himself a literature connoisseur of sorts. Writing book reports and essays were one of the few things he actually excelled at in high school. 

So anyway, he found out that Steve is a book nerd by finding one of Steve's books open on his bed. Not really the strangest thing that Eddie's come across in Steve's room if he's being honest, and not the biggest indicator of nerdiness, until he focuses his attention and acknowledges the bright colors sprawled across the pages. 

A burst of rainbow colors underlining what Eddie guesses are his favorite parts of the story or important stuff he wanted to remember. And obviously, Eddie has to ask him about it. and Steve explains to him that he has a whole color key and it's made up of romantic lines that make him feel warm, sad stuff that makes him tear up, stuff that is word for word undoubtedly Steve Harrington sprawled on a page. Steve won't tell him which color is which, too embarrassed by it, but he lets Eddie read through them, and then he stares at Steve in unyeilding fondness. 

The look reflected on Steve's is not the same, mostly anxiety and insecurity, which Eddie immediately wants to soothe. It's so so sweet he thinks but Eddie's mouth translates the words into, "That's so fucking hot." Which, shit man, it is but he hadn't meant to say it out loud. 

"Shut up, dude, don't make fun of me right now." 

And listen, books are everything to him, this is no joking matter. They inspire his own stories, whether through a dnd campaign or writing song lyrics. It's honestly probably the most attractive thing a person could do in Eddie's opinion, he didn't know how hot until right about now, but he'll die on this hill. Annotating your books is hot. 

"Listen to me when I say this Steve, while that is the nerdiest thing I've ever heard and I'm, ya know, me. It's also about the most attractive thing that's come out of that pretty mouth of yours, like ever."

And Steve folds his arms across his fucking beautifully sculpted chest and narrows his eyes just slightly, raising a judgemental eyebrow at him. 

"You're being serious."

Oh he's never been more serious about anything in his life. 

"Uh...yeah? Yes. Oh my god."

Yeah, real eloquent Edward. 

Whatever, his heart is pounding profuesely against his rib cage because holy shit Steve is a book nerd and Eddie wants to kiss him fucking yesterday. So he gets on all fours on Steve's bed to lean forward and basically attacks his mouth before he can even think about it. 

And when he pulls back, Steve's pupils are blown wide and his breath has picked up pace, and Steve keeps bouncing between looking at Eddie's eyes and his lips. 

"You just kissed me."

It comes out disbelieving. 

"Yeah and with your permission I'd like to continue, like stat, immediately, now."

"You're insane."

And hands weave through curls and pull. 

Eddie tumbles foward, ending fully sprawled on top of Steve, and, jesus christ, body pressed impossibly close to his. 

And after they're romantic, read: nerdy horniness, little makeout session, he forces Steve to read the annotations himself, going through all the books that are important to Steve. He has to stop himself from moaning to really emphasize how hot he finds it, and to make Steve slightly embarrassed, but refrains. Just lets him continue. 

Eddie has never been so in love in his life.

[fantastic-nonsense]

its me again 😭 please if you include your top fic for that particular relationship i will thank you for the rest of my life 😭😭😭

hah. so you see. the thing is. I read a lot of fic, and quite a bit of it is Batfam fic. My DC fic recs list is very long and I purposefully try to keep it balanced re: character focus and relationship dynamics regardless of what I'm actually reading. I have to constantly pick and choose which ones to include/exclude every time I update it and it's never genuinely capable of reflecting all of the incredible fics I've read and am desperate for other people to read.

That is to say: I've read a lot of really wonderful Dick and Tim fics over the years. I don't think I could pick a single favorite if you held a gun to my head. But I'm more than happy to highlight some of my favorite authors and fics for you (some of which are on that list, some of which aren't)!

First off: if you haven't read any of @silverwhittlingknife's fics, go read them! They are all wonderful! But I will give a special shoutout to their wonderful A Thousand Ninjas series, particularly:

Two of Six: There’s nothing special about this kid, no reason to remember him. But Dick remembers. Because of the photo. Dick and Tim’s pre-nu52 relationship, from the beginning all the way to the end. or: how Dick acquired a stalker, attempted to make him go away, and failed so badly that he acquired a brother instead. (So far: missing scenes from childhood, Lonely Place of Dying, Knightfall, and Knightsend. Current arc: Prodigal.) [WIP]

The Return: “Tim? Can you open your eyes for me?" It takes a bit, but Tim must be at least sort of coherent, because he blinks obediently. Dark, dark eyes, dilated. Concussion, almost for sure. Both pupils are equally large, so they’ve avoided a worse injury. But his eyes aren’t tracking or focusing, lost in space. “Tim, do you know where you are?" Tim’s forehead is all tense, like he’s thinking hard. “I,” he hazards after a long moment, “I fell?”  Tim falls. Dick catches him. It is a near, near thing. Red Robin 11 and 12, from Dick’s POV.

You should also check out the Carried trilogy, by @lurkinglurkerwholurks:

Carried: Tim's mom was dead. It was Christmas Eve.

Shoulder to Shoulder: It was the first time in Dick didn’t know how long that his hand itched to throw something and it wasn’t Bruce’s fault. Carried, from Dick's point of view.

Listening: The cameras had caught Tim circling the house, hunched against the wind and without his coat as he trudged through the slush. He worried Bruce, not with how poorly he was doing, but with how well. A Carried post-script, from Bruce's point of view.

Apart from those, here's some other fics I'd recommend!

A Leap of Faith, by A_Canceled_Stamp:

Then, before he’d had time to process it, there’d been a whirl of movement, followed by a sudden and forceful shove against Tim's chest. Something – the parapet wall – had hit the back of his legs, the momentum sending his body tumbling back and over and Oh. Right. He’d been pushed off the building.

a soft place to land, by unchosenone (@bitimdrake):

Tim rubs the back of his head, trying to affect a joking tone. “I knew I should’ve just gone for the new escrima sticks.” Dick is ready to be a good big brother to his grieving little bro. Tim flips the script.

Everything Looks Better in the Morning, by TheFalconWarrior:

Tim doubts the validity of that statement. Right now, he's just glad for a momentary respite with his older brother.

Home is Where the Heart Is, by RascalJoy (DarkQuill):

In which Tim's lonely Christmas takes a turn for the better. (Aka, the one in which Tim's first Christmas as Robin was setting up to be pretty quiet until a certain acrobat knocks on his door.)

Pick Yourself Up by @fernandidilly-yo:

The world hasn’t stopped turning even though Tim’s is in the process of crumbling. And it’s selfish and unfair to think it would do anything otherwise, but Tim still finds himself wishing that it would take a pause, one moment of stillness, just so he could finally catch his breath. But the world stops for no one, least of all Tim.

[Note: incredible oneshot, focusing on Dick supporting Tim in the wake of Jack Drake's death]

Sick Day, by @dawnseternallight:

Being sick is never fun, being sick together? It’s not that bad. Dick and Tim both have strep throat, and use it for the best thing they could: Some brotherly bonding.

there's an endless road to rediscover, by @zahri-melitor:

Sometimes the only way to show that you've moved on and forgiven each other is to take a flying tackle from the ceiling. Dick and Tim know each other's demonstrations of affection. Damian doesn't.

When it Rains, by vellaphoria: 

After Cass and Tim return from Paris, something seems... wrong. Dick tries to find out what it is. 

[Red Robin era. CW: referenced canon rape and attempted rape]

Also while Fussing Over Scars by @maychorian is technically a Bruce-Tim focus fic, there’s also a lot of really great Dick-Tim moments in it too:

Never again, Bruce told himself. He was broken, just like he’d always believed. It hurt too much. He couldn’t bear it. All he was meant for was the fight. He was a dark knight, not a light one. He was not a father, and he would never try to fool himself again. [A post-Death in the Family Platonic Soulmate AU]

Bonus: All your resolve (dissolves), by animegoil: Tim watches Dick fall apart. (Young Justice-verse, set in Season 2)

Hope you enjoy reading!

[linkons-most-wanted]

💫 Caleb's state of mind 🍎

Endless summer

Especially now that Decoherence is out, and I've done an Enneagram deep dive on Caleb, I wanted to spend a little time reflecting on Caleb's state of mind in the main story timeline. Decoherence makes more explicit a lot of the themes that the writers are exploring with Caleb's character.

Who am I? What am I for?

In both Decoherence and the main story timeline, Caleb knows more about what's going on than MC does. In both cases, Caleb's memories aren't wiped to the same extent. We get some hints that Caleb has had to introduce himself to MC more than once, especially when MC had memory problems after the chronorift catastrophe. During their "last escape" in Decoherence, MC only remembers his name, but Caleb remembers everything about her.

So, Caleb remembers being a test subject. He remembers Josephine choosing to take them in. He knows, more than MC does, that his origins are uncertain.

While MC's memory loss is almost a blessing and she's able to initially find her identity in her relationships to Josephine and Caleb, Caleb doesn't have that luxury.

In both timelines, his earliest sense of purpose is: My job is to protect her. Adults in his life specifically reinforce this. Decoherence makes this entirely literal--he is her battery. He heals her and repairs her. The entire purpose of his existence, from the perspective of the research institute, is to support her.

So Caleb doesn't want to protect MC "just because" he's her "older brother"--moreso, he identifies with the "brother" role because he already feels that his entire purpose in life is to protect her.

What is love?

The only thing young Caleb knows is that love means protecting someone and sacrificing yourself to do so. This is reinforced in him by the adults around him, and it gives him a sense of purpose.

So, when he hits puberty and those feelings start developing, he's at a loss. Is this familial love? Is it romantic love? How does one tell the difference? He identifies with the "brother" role because he wants to protect MC. But then he finds himself also identifying with the "boyfriend" role that he tries out when MC visits him at college and "pretends" to be his girlfriend.

Caleb doesn't have any male role models to lean on or reach out to for help navigating this, either.

A lack of support

As much as Josephine cares for MC and Caleb, she also probably wasn't the most equipped to be a parent. She abruptly took in an eight year old and an eleven year old when she was middle aged. As a scientist, odds are high that she focused on being rational. With two smart kids, she probably pushed them academically and assured them they were doing well--but perhaps could not always be there for them emotionally.

We see Caleb move through the world with this sense that he's on his own, that he needs to meet his needs and he can't expect anyone else to. He's usually in a role of helping and supporting Grandma/Josephine, as opposed to being supported by her. So, every aspect of his life reinforces that his role is caretaking.

One can imagine that if Josephine had been both equipped and very perceptive, she could have helped Caleb navigate these confusing emotions, and assured him that given how atypical his childhood was, the important thing is that he and MC are honest with each other. But since Josephine can't even bring herself to tell MC her own origin, Caleb is at a loss.

The "protector" role

Decoherence makes this literal, which I think is very helpful. Caleb does not want to keep MC out of danger for misogynistic reasons, or because he doesn't think she's capable--he does it because the only role he knows is as "protector".

He doesn't know how to relate to MC, how to feel accepted by her, unless he is fulfilling this role. We see it in Decoherence so clearly with how he swaps their power and attempts to sacrifice himself. He consistently misunderstands the reasons MC loves him, and underestimates the magnitude of that love.

In Hidden Waves he specifically expresses that he believes if he shows any weakness, MC won't feel like she can rely on him. This is not machismo, it ties back to his childhood trauma and the message he received that his entire purpose in life is to support her. If she doesn't need him, it's not a wound to his pride--it's something that shakes the very foundation of his identity.

In Lucid Dream, Caleb's emotional crisis that triggers the Toring chip is realizing that he doesn't know how to take care of her anymore. Which, I want to emphasize again, is his entire purpose in life.

Head in the clouds

One of the interesting elements of Caleb's character is that while he believes his entire purpose is to protect and support MC, he's constantly leaving her--packing off to Skyhaven, joining the DAA where he's frequently deployed, etc. How can he be so obsessed with protecting her if he's constantly leaving her unprotected?

This is because he perceives that the only way to accomplish his goal is to find somewhere that's safe for just them. Caleb mentions that "if the world was destroyed once, it can be destroyed again"--in the modern timeline, this references the Chronorift Catastrophe, but we know that on some level he's actually aware that not only with Earth be destroyed and become Philos, but as we see in Decoherence, even Philos will also be destroyed.

He becomes a pilot (even though it means leaving her) so that he can have the skills to keep her safe even if the planet itself is destroyed. But this goal is ultimately misguided--one of the most tragic aspects of his character is that he keeps getting in his own way. MC needs him to confront the reality of their situation--the Toring chip, the Fleet--but Caleb is unable to confront those things in himself, creating more distance between them.

Living in the moment

I don't see Caleb as lying to MC's face intentionally--or, at least, not maliciously. It's less that he's being calculating and manipulating her, and more that he's desperately attempting to put his "other life" out of his mind. He pretends that the diversions, like finding someone following them, don't exist because he desperately wants them to not exist. He wants, as much as possible, to live in this fantasy world where they are safe and together.

Caleb makes a lot of promises he doesn't keep, and he feels terrible about this (which we see explicitly in Decoherence). Again, he's not trying to manipulate--he's caught up in the moment and impulse. He believes, when he makes those promises, that they are possible to keep. And then he's forced to confront his failure, again and again.

Each time he becomes more and more adamant--this time I'll keep the promise.

Shame spirals

Caleb hides from his "negative" emotions because they're overwhelming. He either puts them out of his mind in a practical way (running the fleet with a cold precision) or in a whimsical way (focusing on entertaining MC and keeping her happy). But, either way, he's hiding from them.

Because Caleb was never taught how to manage or understand these emotions, he feels intense shame for his romantic feelings towards MC. This shame only intensifies the yearning and the craving, which triggers even more shame in a vicious cycle.

It's not really the circumstances themselves that make MC the forbidden fruit--they more or less grew up in an orphanage together. The EN localization isn't wrong that they're essentially best friends since childhood navigating romantic feelings. It's primarily how Caleb feels about the situation.

He internalized the "brother" role, and isn't sure if he can continue to uphold his "protector" role when stepping into these feelings. He's similar to Zayne in this way, deeply fearing the intensity of his own affection for and attachment to MC. This conflict is primarily internal.

One of the most frightening things to Caleb about romantic love is that it requires him to show up as himself, not just to fill a role for MC.

Do I deserve love?

On a fundamental level, Caleb does not feel that he deserves love. He feels that he has a function to fulfill (protector, entertainer) and his value is entirely tied to that function.

This is part of why he's so willing to leave her behind when he goes to fulfill that function--he doesn't understand that leaving hurts her, because he doesn't understand that she loves him for more than the function he provides. Decoherence makes this so clear with Caleb trying to sacrifice himself, then MC insisting, "I don't want to live in a world without you."

So, when MC asks him to step out of that "function" and simply relate to her as himself--like she does in Hidden Waves--this is both extremely challenging for Caleb but also profoundly healing. It's not the world he makes for her that she wants, it's a relationship with Caleb himself.

This inner conflict is intensified by the Toring chip, and his deep fear that what it's doing to him makes him unlovable. This is his core conflict in the main story timeline--can you love this "new" me? Or am I too monstrous? If I can no longer hold back how I feel about you, will that ruin everything?

Both sides of the caretaking coin

Especially with the military theming and initial focusing on physical control and protection, Caleb can initially present as leaning into masculine stereotypes. However, especially as you see their "Old Days" memories and the newer current day memories, it's clear that Caleb is attempting to care for MC in every possible way, far beyond gender stereotypes. He cooks for her, cleans for her, does her laundry, etc.

In this way, Caleb can also be very directly relatable for people who've been expected to become caretakers. For people who have a history of caretaking (such as eldest daughters, shout out) Caleb both represents someone willing to take care of you for a change, and your own internal conflict with regards to that caretaking role. Not only is Caleb's presence assuring, but his own internal development touches on those notes of letting love in and letting yourself be taken care of. This layered experience ends up being really compelling.

You are the trigger

There's an intentional parallel between the "interference module" used in Decoherence to cause MC and Caleb to kill each other if they get too close to each other and the Toring chip in the main story timeline. When Caleb actually begins to confront reality, when he's attempting to deal with his actual emotions, the chip kicks in and makes him even less human--it makes him forget his relationship to her and makes him more likely to hurt her.

This is another reason for Caleb's hesitance, distance, and yearning in the main story timeline. He has a very good reason to believe that if they get too close, they'll both be destroyed--and yet, it's the thing he wants more than anything. This intensifies the feelings of "forbidden romance", making them even harder to resist.

Endless summer

The idea of endless summer poetically encompasses both Caleb's greatest weaknesses and his greatest strengths.

On the one hand, "endless summer" captures the idea of focusing on the future with your head in the clouds. It's a fantastical, unrealistic ideal that distracts Caleb from the opportunities in front of him. It can't always be summer, just like he can't actually achieve these lofty, perfect visions of his life with MC.

But, on the other hand, "endless summer" captures the quiet enthusiasm for life that comes from deeply cherishing every moment. When you are truly present, those moments can feel endless and profound. "Summer" becomes metaphorical, representing the calm and warm state of mind that Caleb himself brings. (In CN, his name means/sounds like "Summer Day" 🥹)

In conclusion

Caleb is extremely well-written as a traumatized character. His fundamental false beliefs about his own worth and role in the world create excruciating internal conflict, which interferes with the one relationship he cares about the most.

Letting MC stand beside him isn't about her convincing him that she's strong enough--it's about him learning that he deserves love, he deserves to get to be a human, he doesn't just have to perform the functions of caretaking and protection to be wanted by MC.

Caleb's shame and rejection around his feelings for MC ultimately reveal his deep fear of his own humanity. If he can't control these emotions, then how can he be her protector?

On some level, he believes that MC also needs him to be a disposable, powerful weapon. But then she asks him simply to be himself. <3

[hiemalsborderland]

Niragi Suguru : A Character Analysis

PRE-INTRO NOTE ! Hey Tumblr, guess who's back on a new account after 2 years since my dumbass accidentally deleted my original acc. What a shame.. Anyways ! I hope you all will enjoy my first work of 2025 ٭ INTRODUCTION Today im doing a character analysis on Niragi Suguru (from Alice in Borderland / 今際の国のアリス, of course). I will be using both series and manga references to get my point across. I've noticed that with the rise of AIB online, there are many strong opinions on characters, 'characters' being Niragi. I often see comments like "I hate Niragi" and "Bullying doesn't justify what he did to Usagi." and fairly, I agree ! I don't think that what Niragi experienced when he was younger gives him a get out of jail free card for every wrongdoing. Though while it isn't an excuse, it is a reason. NIRAGI SUGURU : BASIC CHARACTER BREAK DOWN Niragi Suguru- at first glance he's a violent, overly confident, gun obsessed freak beach executive. Throughout both the manga and series, Niragi has been known to be aggressive, threatening, and an overall asshole. Though, with a little bit of research, his story proves him to be more than just the sadistic villain he's represented as.

In 10 of Hearts / Witch Hunt, (!Manga) Niragi purposely riles up the beach in order to make the game more entertaining for himself. Usagi claims he's not even an animal (as she claimed he was before in the well-known sexual assault scene that I honestly will NOT bother explaining unless necessary). Niragi then replies to this by saying that "It's predisposition- man, left to his own devices.." Niragi mentions something similar to this when he is assaulting Usagi, noting that rape, murder, and other acts of indecency are illegal because they are all part of human nature. This shows us a lot more of his character than most people will even bother to look into. Just by these dialogues, we can tell that Niragi believes we should revel in our true human nature, boasting our human behavior whether it's disgusting or not. PSYCHOLOGY OF NIRAGI SUGURU According to nu.edu, human behavior is learned, affected by the environment one lives in. 'Environment' being this.

Niragi grew up being constantly bullied and abused by his classmates. This had serious effects on his self image and development, these events taking a toll on his behavior even years later in the borderlands. Niragi referencing his bully telling him "I told you targets don't move." during the Witch Hunt. v

His behavior was learned from his bullies, who he mimicked later in life in order to gain self confidence and feel like he was in power. Niragi's actions and behavior were created and carried out in a desperate attempt to feel like he deserved the abuse he endured when he was younger. In season 2, episode 2 of the live action series during King of Clubs / Osmosis, he states the following during a flashback to his childhood; "I don't know if they hated me because I was twisted, or if I became twisted because they hated me." It's proved in the manga that Niragi became twisted because they hated him (Chapter 23)

^ He claims that he'd be miserable unless he changed. He became a terrible person with the intent to feel like he deserved everything that he had to experience prior to his adulthood. He thrives on destroying himself and other people's views of him. "I'm going to make everyone wish they never met me." (Somewhere in season 2..) + "I'll continue living, despised by others. I will continue to incur hate, and hold my head up high as I go to Hell!!" (Chapter 54) Also in chapter 54, he winds up in a church and cites a scripture (?) about Jesus. He says this;

In this scene, I believe Niragi is reflecting on his outcome of experiencing hatred compared to Jesus. Jesus was despised by his peers, which Niragi relates to, as he was bullied relentlessly. Though the thing that separates Jesus from Niragi is that Jesus was loved for years and years after his abuse. Niragi never got that kind of treatment- he had nobody to care for him nor love him. My theory is that he continued to be hated and uncared for even after the bullies were done with him, leading him to believe that he must have been twisted and that's why nobody wanted to help him.

This is what separates Niragi from his peers. Despite acting so terribly, he's separated from his bullies because unlike his bullies he became terrible to feel like he deserved everything. He's different from practically everyone else he knows because of his terribleness. In Chapter 56, the seventh day of exhibitions, Niragi sorta talks on this topic.

I also note that he follows the line with "You're lucky you're on the side of the populace." I think that Niragi is heavily referencing his differences with other people in this scene. It's possible that he may be referring to the fact that if everyone was like him, they would all be victims, making Arisu the perpetrator. It's also possible that he's referring to the fact that he doesn't believe in kindness (especially not kindness at heart) but realizes that there really isn't anyone like him as Arisu and his gang showed him kindness despite what Niragi put them through. There are a lot of different theories for this and they all seem to point towards Niragi feeling something deeply wrong with him, not his actions, but him as a person. CONCLUSION Niragi wasn't meant to be just a villain. He isn't just meant to be the guy you dread every time you see him on the screen. He's meant to represent what happens when someone is dehumanized. With each baseball strike, the more he was reduced to scum. Trash. By the time he was grown up he had known no empathy nor experienced it, given or received. In the universe of Alice in Borderland, whether you humiliated him or ignored him, Niragi is the villain, sure. But if there were 7 billion of him, the evil one would be you.

Still don't get it?? Compare Niragi to "Pigs" by Tyler, the Creator. Very similar concept.

Well that's time, see you next week :) [Or not] Feel free to leave suggestions !

[iovebarca]

Kissed By The Pool - Fermín López

Authors note: send me some requests!

WC: 700+

warnings: incorrect grammar (probably), intended lowercase, my first language isn't english so if you notice any mistakes please tell me, just fluff!

summary: You and Fermín, childhood friends on holiday, find yourselves caught in a moment of realization on a family vacation.

you and fermín have been inseparable since you were born, your parents were friends and you've basically grown up together. you two even had your first kiss together with the excuse of just getting over with the whole firsts thing. truth is you liked fermín a lot and not just in a friends way. your mother who knew about your little crush, often told you to just go for it. according to her, he wouldn't reject you and even if he does, you guys would still remain good friends. however, that's not what you desired. you wanted something more than just being good friends.

currently you guys were on a holiday with your parents and as you both relax by the poolside of the grand mansion, surrounded by its luxurious beauty, a feeling of peace settles over you. the mansion is stunning, with its beautiful gardens and sparkling pool, making it the perfect place for a vacation filled with relaxation and fun. it even had a tiny football pitch. your families are laughing and chatting together, adding to the joyous atmosphere. It's wonderful to spend time with them in such a beautiful place, away from the usual busyness of life.

you both decide to take a dip in the pool, enjoying the refreshing water and each other's company. splashing around and sharing jokes, you feel closer to fermín than ever before. his laughter is like music, filling you with happiness and a sense of belonging.

"it's amazing here, isn't it?" fermín says, looking around with awe. "i never thought we'd get to experience something like this."

"i agree, it's surreal but i'm grateful for this time together" you reply, meeting his gaze with a smile.

fermín's smile is gentle, his eyes reflecting the shimmering surface of the pool. "me too. it's moments like these that remind me how lucky i am to have you in my life." your heart swells with warmth at fermín's words, his sincerity touching you deeply. "i feel the same way," you reply, your voice soft with emotion. "you've always been there for me, too. through thick and thin."

as fermín's words linger in the air, a comfortable silence settles between you, like a warm blanket wrapping around your shared moment. the only sound is the gentle lapping of water against the poolside and the distant hum of cicadas in the surrounding gardens. you become aware of the soft murmur of voices as the rest of your families wander off, drawn to other activities around the estate. their laughter and chatter fade into the background, leaving you and fermín in a cocoon of tranquility, undisturbed by the outside world.

the comfortable silence is broken by his voice, soft yet weighted with meaning.

"you know, it's funny," fermín begins, his gaze meeting yours with a hint of vulnerability. "i've always liked you more than just a friend."

his words hang in the air, sparking a cascade of emotions within you. surprise, hope, and a flutter of excitement mingle as you process his confession.

a soft smile tugs at the corners of your lips, mirroring the warmth that blooms in your chest. "i...i never knew," you admit, your voice barely above a whisper.

fermín's eyes soften, a mixture of fondness and sincerity shining in their depths. "and you know what's even funnier? my parents always thought that we would end up together by the time high school ended."

as the weight of fermín's confession settles between you, the air crackles with anticipation, a palpable tension hanging between your shared gaze. with a soft smile, he reaches out, his hand gently cupping your cheek, his touch tender and reassuring.

in that moment, time seems to stand still as you lean into his touch, your heart pounding in your chest. with a silent understanding, you close the distance between you, the warmth of his breath mingling with yours as your lips meet in a gentle, loving kiss.

it's a sweet, tender moment, filled with a depth of emotion that words could never fully capture. in that fleeting instant, the world falls away, leaving only the two of you, lost in the sweetness of the moment.

As you pull back, your eyes meet, a shared smile lighting up your faces. In that simple exchange of affection, you find solace and reassurance, knowing that whatever the future may hold, you'll face it together, hand in hand.

[haikirii]

Thinking about q!Cellbit's life: before, during and after the war

Recently, q!Cellbit talked a bit more about his wartime background alongside q!Badboyhalo - let's pretend I'm not freaking out about my hcs being canonized - and I wanted to reflect a little bit on everything he said. Mainly, reflecting on how tragic q!Cellbit's life is and how he can only have a normal routine after arriving on the island.

First of all, I would like to remind you of a rather sad fact that gives us some clues about your childhood that is still a mystery. One day, q!Cellbit was having a picnic with Richarlyson and he says "Did you know I've never been on a picnic before on this island?", which made me think about something so simple never having happened even in his childhood. Maybe I'm making a simple sentence a lot deeper than it should be, but when q!Cellbit confirmed that he entered the war at just 14/15 years old, my mind can't help but wander to that sentence and that day.

Come on, from what little q!Cellbit elaborated from the war for Richarlyson - which I'll talk more about later - leads me to believe that at the very least you'd have to have some heavy training to survive in it as an average soldier. However, q!Cellbit was not just any soldier, he was one of the best of his time at just 14 years old. How long did he train? Who trained his? How intense and cruel does training have to be for a 14-year-old teenager to be a killing machine amidst the chaos of the battlefield? What all this makes me think is that he was specifically trained from childhood to be a soldier. Sure, the training might not have been able to erase his teenage recklessness and rebelliousness, but it's still the only thing I can think of for him to have been such a good fighter. q!Cellbit didn't have comfort, he didn't rest, he never did normal child things and maybe that's why he values so much that Richarlyson lives like a normal child even with all the dangers of the island. Even though Richarlyson would also have to have been raised as a warrior to protect himself, q!Cellbit still doesn't want him to have the same fate as him.

And then we go to war and that's when q!Badboyhalo enters. He confirmed, once again, that the demon was with him and that they fought side by side. Of the things that q!Cellbit told him, one of them was that he was an Endergage - outside of roleplay: one of hg's classes. With that, I can only think of a scene where a hyperactive teenager goes around teleporting everyone close to him and killing them with impressive skill while an ancient demon screams at him to be careful and stop cursing while delivering blows. Because killing is OK, but swearing was the limit - and of course q!Cellbit was terrified of q!Badboyhalo cleaning his mouth with soap after battles.

He also mentioned a little bit of how the war worked, which was literally the hg: they were thrown into the arena, without resources and either you were the last one to survive or you would die. q!Cellbit told how there were cowards - his words - who hid in block towers. He seems to hate Stompers quite a bit, citing how he hunted them and how they didn't expect him to be so good with his teleportation power.

And then q!Cellbit tells Richarlyson that "These were simpler times, where I had to fight for my life every day." How troubled does your life have to have been for THIS to have been simpler times? Fight for your life in a cruel battle of life and death every day. He said it was fun days even with fear plaguing his skin, his fun time was on the battlefield.

After that, he says "Then I went to jail […] it has more or less to do (with the war)". And that's what intrigues me the most: even in Fuga Impossível, we never found out why he was arrested. This information is completely new, which leads me to believe in two things: war crime or that he is too strong to let him free in society. I think a lot about the possibility of war crime due to cannibalism, but he himself said he didn't actually commit that much - I just honestly don't know how much we can trust q!Cellbit's words on this because of how unreliable he is when it comes to some prison stuff, tending to smooth things over to his side. Aside from cannibalism, which we're not sure he actually committed in the war as only q!Pac's bites and leg have been confirmed, I think about how he was a good enough killing machine to have a special government interest in leaving him in jail.

Think with me: he entered the war at 14/15 years old, but a lot of things lead me to believe that he was arrested at about 18 years old. He talks about how he and q!Badboyhalo broke up after the war was over and after that the arrest occurred. Maybe that break after the war has made him even more mentally unstable? q!Cellbit still spent a few years in Alcatraz, but we don't know if he was already unstable when he arrived in prison or if the prison messed with his head over the years. His behavior may have been generated as a defense mechanism against other more aggressive inmates along with a reflection of the traumas of battles, he barely had time to process all the years he lived there.

q!Cellbit emphasizes the "kill or die" a lot, it hurts to imagine what that did to his mind. On how after parting with q!Badboyhalo, he was alone and with no one to trust again. He dominated the prison alone, made protection pacts with other gangs alone without being able to really trust them. I've already talked about how important trust is to q!Cellbit, and now it just makes me think that he only had one person to really trust before his arrest.

Quoting myself:

"In Fuga Impossível, the only thing he asked f!Tazercraft was "Don't break my trust". I mean, we can't judge them because f!Cellbit wasn't the sanest person to have a relationship with inside the jail - considering the events that followed and the consequences like f!Felps killed in a riot, f!Pac having his leg eaten, f!Jvnq murdered and f!Celbit abandoned on an island.

However, he still tried to trust in f!Tazercrat. he tried to take a chance, even if you can't see that chance with the best of intentions."

Trust is the central point of this character, it's something essential for him. And he eventually escapes from this other hell he got himself into, alone and with no one to trust after being betrayed and also doing horrible things to his fellow escapees because q!Cellbit is no saint. And once again he has to get back on his own.

And a great deal of time has passed since then. He does some miraculous therapy and gets better, q!Cellbit finds the q!Tazercraft on the ship but they still maintain that distrust from years ago. He also has q!Felps to rely on now and is introduced to q!Forever, nothing is the same as years before.

q!Cellbit finds q!Badboyhalo, his war buddy. Two wounded veterans who've been through life's hell before and after everything, who've split up. Where q!Badboyhalo sees that already grown teenager, full of scars, dark circles and trauma and thinks "What happened to you all this time?".

And it hurts me a lot to think that only now q!Cellbit has found the happiness and confidence he's always been looking for. That being forced onto this island where he was tortured, tricked by the federation several times; kidnapped; had parts of his memories erased from the time he worked there; he suffered for having broken his family at the time of the betrayal; it was only on this damn island that he managed to find people to love and trust.

q!Cellbit loves his family and would do anything for them. He loves his son to the point of considering giving up everything just so he can have a better future than he had; he loves his Guapito, who has his full trust and unconditional love to the point of almost having a relapse when their relationship was threatened.

His Guapito, who was your anchor. The one who trusted and defended him when everyone was against him, the one who supported him in everything he did. The one with whom q!Cellbit made a mistake, but was forgiven and tries to be someone better every day so as not to fail anymore.

q!Forever, who trusts him SO MUCH to the point of not even being interested in knowing information if that put his family at risk. The one who even after hearing so much shit coming out of q!Cellbit's mouth, still had a glimmer of hope that it was all a lie for trusting him.

q!Tazercraft, who forgave him even after everything he'd done. After he killed his friend, who help him because they know that family is all they have.

q!Felps, who is the person he knows best. His best friend who made him go through hell just to find him.

It is on this island, with codes, with a cruel organization that manipulates everyone, with unbelievable entities and mysteries, that he can finally have a normal life. He can finally wake up and have coffee with his son and husband, q!Cellbit can finally just build his castle and do things he never could like a simple picnic with the other eggs on the island.

And when he told q!Forever that "I don't have anyone off this island, everyone I love is here" he was right. Even if he was pretending to infiltrate, that sentence was totally true. q!Cellbit has no one outside Quesadilla Island, he has no reason to want to leave it.

But even so, all he wants is for the people he loves the most to be free. And that's what I love most about this character. I love how he suffered so much, how he saw the worst in people and still wants the best for them.

I love how flawed he is, how he fucks up and acknowledges it. And even when he doesn't recognize it and tries to smooth it over, to me that just makes him even more real. q!Cellbit is full of flaws and full of love, he understands others, he takes care of what is his.

q!Cellbit is human.

tradução pt-br

Recentemente, q!Cellbit falou um pouco mais sobre o seu passado na guerra junto de q!Badboyhalo - vamos fingir que eu não estou surtando pelos meus hcs serem canonizados - e eu queria refletir um pouco sobre tudo o que ele falou. Principalmente, refletir sobre o quão trágica é a vida de q!Cellbit e sobre como ele só pode ter uma rotina normal depois de chegar na ilha.

Primeiro tudo, gostaria de relembrar um fato meio triste que nos dá um pouco de pistas sobre a sua infância que ainda é um mistério. Um dia, q!Cellbit estava fazendo um piquenique com Richarlyson e ele fala "Sabia que eu nunca fui em um piquenique antes dessa ilha?", o que já tinha me despertado uma pulga atrás da orelha sobre uma coisa tão simples nunca ter acontecido nem em sua infância. Talvez eu esteja tornando uma frase simples muito mais profunda do que deveria, mas quando o q!Cellbit confirmou que ele entrou na guerra com apenas 14/15 anos de idade, minha mente não pode deixar de vagar para essa frase e esse dia.

Vamos lá, pelo pouco que o q!Cellbit elaborou da guerra para Richarlyson - que vou falar mais sobre depois - me leva a acreditar que no mínimo você teria que ter um treinamento pesado para sobreviver nela como um soldado mediano. Porém, q!Cellbit não era qualquer soldado, ele era um dos melhores da sua época com apenas 14 anos de idade. Por quanto tempo ele treinou? Quem o treinou? O quão intenso e cruel um treinamento tem que ser para um adolescente de apenas 14 anos de idade ser uma máquina de matar em meio ao caos do campo de batalha? O que tudo isso me faz pensar é que ele foi específicamente treinado desde a infância para ser um soldado. Claro, o treinamento pode não ter sido capaz de apagar a imprudência e rebeldia adolescente, mas ainda assim é a única coisa que eu consigo pensar para ele ter sido um lutador tão bom. q!Cellbit não teve aconchego, não teve descanso, nunca fez coisas normais de uma criança e talvez seja por isso que ele preze tanto para que Richarlyson viva como uma criança normal mesmo com todos os perigos da ilha. Mesmo que Richarlyson tenha que também ter sido criado como um guerreiro para se proteger, ainda assim q!Cellbit não quer que ele tenha o mesmo destino que ele.

E aí vamos para a guerra e é nesse momento que q!Badboyhalo entra. Ele confirmou, mais uma vez, que o demônio estava com ele e que eles lutaram lado a ladoDas coisas que q!Cellbit contou, uma delas era que ele era um Endermage - fora de roleplay: uma das classes de hg. Com isso, eu só consigo pensar em uma cena onde uma adolescente hiperativo saindo por aí teleportando todo mundo para perto de si e matando eles com uma habilidade impressionante enquanto um demônio milenar gritava para ele tomar cuidado e parar de falar palavrão enquanto desferia os golpes. Porque matar? Ok, mas palavrão era o limite - e claro que q!Cellbit morria de medo de q!Badboyhalo limpar sua boca com sabão depois das batalhas.

Ele também citou um pouquinho de como funcionava a guerra, que era literalmente o hg: eles eram jogados na arena, sem recursos e ou você era último a sobreviver ou você morreria. q!Cellbit contou como existiam covardes - palavras dele - que se escondiam em torres de blocos. Ele parece odiar bastante Stompers na real, citando como ele os caçava e como eles não esperava que ele fosse tão bom com seu poder de teleporte.

E então q!Cellbit fala para Richarlyson que "Eram tempos mais simples, onde eu tinha que lutar pela minha vida todos os dias." O quão conturbada a sua vida tem que ter sido para ISSO terem sido tempos mais simples? Lutar por sua vida em uma batalha cruel de vida ou morte todos os dias. Ele ter dito que era dias divertidos mesmo com o medo assolando sua pele, seu momento de diversão era no campo de batalha.

Depois disso, ele diz "Depois eu fui pra cadeia [...] tem mais ou menos relação (com a guerra)". E isso é o que mais me intriga: mesmo em Fuga Impossível, a gente nunca descobriu o porquê de ele ter sido preso. Essa informação é totalmente nova, o que me leva a crer em duas coisas: crime de guerra ou ele ser muito forte para deixar ele livre em sociedade. Eu penso muito sobre a possibilidade do crime de guerra por conta do canibalismo, mas ele mesmo disse que não chegou a cometer tanto assim - só que sinceramente não sei o quanto podemos confiar nas palavras de q!Cellbit sobre isso por conta do quão pouco confiável ele é quando se trata de algumas coisas da prisão, tendendo a amenizar situações para o seu lado. Fora o canibalismo, que não temos certeza se ele chegou a cometer na guerra já que apenas foram confirmados mordidas e a perna de q!Pac, penso em como ele era uma máquina de matar boa o suficiente para ter um interesse especial do governo em deixá-lo preso.

Pensa comigo: ele entrou na guerra com 14/15 anos, mas muita coisa me leva a crer que ele foi preso com uns 18 anos. Ele fala sobre como ele e q!Badboyhalo se separaram depois que a guerra acabou e depois disso ocorreu a prisão. Talvez essa quebra depois da guerra tenha tornado ele ainda mais mentalmente instável? q!Cellbit ainda ficou alguns anos em Alcatraz, mas não sabemos se ele já era instável quando chegou na prisão ou se a cadeia mexeu com a cabeça dele durante os anos. O seu comportamento pode ter sido gerado como um mecanismo de defesa contra outros presos mais agressivos junto de um reflexo dos traumas das batalhas, ele mal pôde ter tempo de processar todos os anos que ele viveu ali.

q!Cellbit frisa muito o "era matar ou morrer", dói muito imaginar o que isso fez com a mente dele. Em como ao se separar de q!Badboyhalo, ele estava sozinho e sem ninguém para confiar de novo. Ele dominou a prisão sozinho, fez pactos de proteção com outras gangues sozinho sem poder realmente confiar neles. Já falei sobre como confiança é importante para q!Cellbit, e agora isso só me faz pensar que ele apenas teve uma pessoa para realmente confiar antes da prisão.

Citando eu mesmo:

"Em Fuga Impossível, a única coisa que ele pediu para os moços foi "Não quebrem a minha confiança". Quero dizer, não podemos julgá-los pois f!Cellbit não era a pessoa mais sã de se ter uma relação dentro da cadeia - considerando nos fatos que se sucederam e nas consequências de um f!Felps morto em uma rebelião, f!Pac tendo sua perna comida, f!Jvnq assassinado e f!Cellbit abandonado em uma ilha.

Porém, ainda assim ele tentou confiar nos moços. Ele tentou dar uma chance, mesmo que você não possa ver essa chance com a melhores das intenções."

Confiança é o ponto central desse personagem, é algo essencial para ele. E ele eventualmente foge desse outro inferno que ele se meteu, sozinho e sem ninguém para confiar depois de ter sido traído e também ter feito coisas horríveis para seus companheiros de fuga porque q!Cellbit não é nenhum santo. E mais uma vez ele tem que dar a volta por cima sozinho.

E um grande espaço de tempo se passa desde então. Ele faz alguma terapia milagrosa e melhora, q!Cellbit reencontra os q!Tazercraft no navio mas eles ainda mantém essa relação de desconfiança de anos atrás. Ele também tem q!Felps para confiar agora e conhece q!Forever, nada é o mesmo que anos antes.

q!Cellbit reencontra q!Badboyhalo, seu companheiro de guerra. Dois veteranos machucados que passaram pelo inferno na vida antes e depois de tudo, que se separaram. Onde q!Badboyhalo vê aquele adolescente já crescido, cheio de cicatrizes, olheiras e traumas e pensa "O que aconteceu com você durante todo esse tempo?".

E me dói muito pensar que apenas agora q!Cellbit encontrou a felicidade e confiança que sempre procurou. Que sendo enfiado a força nessa ilha onde ele foi torturado, enganado pela federação várias vezes; sequestrado; teve partes das suas memórias apagadas do tempo que ele trabalhou ali; sofreu por ter quebrado a sua família na época da traição; foi só nessa maldita ilha que ele conseguiu encontrar pessoas para amar e confiar.

q!Cellbit ama a sua família e faria de tudo por ela. Ele ama o seu filho ao ponto de cogitar desistir de tudo só para que ele tenha um futuro melhor do que ele mesmo teve; ama seu Guapito, que tem sua plena confiança e amor incondicional ao ponto de quase ter uma recaída quando seu relacionamento foi ameaçado.

Seu Guapito, que foi sua âncora. Aquele que confiou e defendeu ele quando todos estavam contra, aquele que lhe deu suporte para tudo o que fizesse. Aquele que q!Cellbit errou, mas foi perdoado e tenta ser alguém melhor todos os dias para não falhar mais.

q!Forever, que confia TANTO nele ao ponto de nem ter interesse de saber uma informação se aquilo por sua família em risco. Aquele que mesmo depois de ouvir tanta merda saindo da boca de q!Cellbit, ainda assim tinha uma ponta de esperança de que era tudo mentira por confiar nele.

q!Tazercraft, que o perdoou mesmo depois de tudo o que ele fez. Depois de ele ter matado o seu amigo, que ajudam ele pois sabem que família é tudo que eles tem.

q!Felps, que é a pessoa que ele mais conhece. Seu melhor amigo, que fez ele ir ao inferno só para achá-lo.

É nessa ilha, com códigos, com uma organização cruel que manipula a todos, com entidades e mistérios inacreditáveis, que ele pode finalmente ter uma vida normal. Ele finalmente pode acordar e tomar um café com seu filho e seu marido, q!Cellbit finalmente pode apenas ficar construindo seu castelo e fazer coisas que ele nunca pôde como um piquenique simples com os outros ovos da ilha.

E quando ele falou para o q!Forever que "Eu não tenho ninguém fora dessa ilha, todo mundo que eu amo está aqui" ele estava certo. Mesmo que estivesse fingindo para se infiltrar, essa frase era totalmente verdade. q!Cellbit não tem ninguém fora da Ilha Quesadilha, ele não tem para quê querer sair dela.

Mas mesmo assim, tudo o que ele quer é que as pessoas que ele mais ama sejam livres. E é isso que eu mais amo nesse personagem. Eu amo como ele sofreu tanto, como ele viu o pior das pessoas e mesmo assim quer o melhor para elas.

Eu amo como ele é falho, como ele faz merda e reconhece. E mesmo quando ele não reconhece e tenta amenizar, para mim isso só faz dele ainda mais real. q!Cellbit é cheio de falhas e cheio de amor, é compreensível, é preocupado com os seus.

q!Cellbit é humano.

[poisonousivy616]

𝕿𝖚𝖗𝖓 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕮𝕽 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖔 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕯𝕽

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ. 🐍🖤 ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

"You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

—Morpheus, The Matrix

Hi babes!! ♡

We all have a reason we're drawn to our DRs, right?

Maybe it's to live out a dream career, meet our comfort characters, wield powers that override the rules of this world —or maybe it's just to date Draco Malfoy (no judgement, I get it <3)

But here's the thing. I know that for a lot of us, reality shifting started as an escape. An escape from pain, trauma , and instability from a CR that felt too heavy, too limiting, too harsh.

And I want you to know—I see that.

I honor that.

Your struggles are real and your feelings are valid.

But...what if I told you that your CR could be just as beautiful as your DR?

What if you didn't have to leave this reality to feel joy, peace, love, and magic?

Because babe—if you're a law of assumption girlie like me—you know the truth:

༺♰༻You are the operant power.

༺♰༻You are God of your reality.

༺♰༻There are no limits here.

⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆ 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕯𝕽 ⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆

What do you love about your DR?

Let's really look at this.

What is it about your DR that makes your heart ache in the best way?

The aesthetic? The relationships? The version of you that exists there?

Okay, now: bring that here.

You can literally manifest it into your CR.

We're always scripting for our DRs: our dream appearance, our wardrobe, our apartment, our besties, our soulmate, our dream career...

Why not do the same for your CR?

⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆ 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕮𝕽 𝖎𝖘 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕯𝕽 ⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆

How do you turn your CR into your DR?

༺♰༻Make a Pinterest board for your CR aesthetic

༺♰༻Script your friendships—the kind of moments you want to share, the way your friends uplift you, the adventures you go on

༺♰༻Script your S/O—do you want a slow burn? "It's always been you"? A friends-to-lovers trope?? BABE. YES. You can manifest that.

༺♰༻Pick your aesthetic—elegant dark academia? Cottagecore? Soft grunge baddie? You choose.

༺♰༻Manifest skills + traits—script that you speak 3 languages, play the violin, or are known for your charm and wit

༺♰༻Make playlists for your CR like you do for your DR. What songs fit the vibe of your ideal day here? Romanticize it!!!

༺♰༻Give your CR a name. Stop calling it a "current reality" like it's some dusty default setting.

Make it yours. Name it something that reflects the energy you're cultivating.

Want to be rich & famous? Call it your Fame DR

Manifesting a cozy soft life in a small town? Welcome to your Soft Life DR.

Going through a glow-up? This is your Main Character DR.

You see what I'm saying?

⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆ 𝕱𝖚𝖓 𝕱𝖆𝖈𝖙 ⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆

So a few days ago I was making a Pinterest board for my DR style—you know, outfits, shoes, all the cute girlie things I wanted to wear there.

Tell me why, literally the next day, my friend showed up and surprised me with a gift...

It was the exact shoes and coat from my board.

No, I hadn't shown her the board. No, I didn't say a word.

But the universe was listening, always.

Do you see how easy it is?

How interconnected everything is when you just allow it?

⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆ 𝕽𝖊𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 ⋆༺𓆩⚔️𓆪༻⋆

You weren't born to dread this reality.

You weren't meant to live in survival mode.

You're here to learn how powerful and limitless you truly are.

You can live a thousand lives in one lifetime.

So why not make this one beautiful too?

Create a reality you don't feel the need to escape from.

One where you wake up every day with the same excitement you'd feel in your DR.

And when you want to shift? Do it!!!

Go be an avenger, visit Hogwarts, revisit yout childhood.

But come back to a CR that feels like home too.

You deserve that <3

This isn't just a reality—it's your reality. Make it magical.✧✧✧

Happy shifting!!! Happy manifesting!!!

Let me know if you want more posts or success stories on how I've made my CR my DR.

𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊, 𝕴𝖛𝖞 🖤💚

[hbheavensent]

Blitzo/Millie/Moxxie

Ohhhh I.M.P, I have to say these are probably my least favorite redesigns (BUT I LOVE MY MILLIE, MILLIE I LOVE YOU!!)

Starting with Shitzo, I realized I actually do like his signature look a lot so a majority of it boils down to giving him a new outfit that reflects that he grew up in greed. Oh and making his scars look a touch more like real scars, and blinding him in one eye. I thought it'd be interesting down the line that while Fizz suffered the worse injuries, he could be accommodated properly while Blitzo doesn't really have the money to be able to. Also in my vision, Blitz is a "crossbreed", his mother being who we see in the show- an Imp from Greed who cheated on his abusive father with a Succubus. It also gives Cash a reason to give Fizz more attention and for Blitz to face a bit more strife. I also imagine that before Blowing Up And Acting Like He Don't Know Nobody (ref), he had small Succubus wings, so his trauma literally clipped his wings! Also I've killed off Barbie Wire, she's dead. Sorry gamers. But! That only gives Blitz more of a reason to force himself not to get attached to anyone. For the STOLAS and Blitz stuff, it can all still happen relatively the same without them meeting in childhood. He breaks in, Stolas sees a opportunity to talk to ANYONE outside of his awful situation regardless of circumstance, Blitz tries to steal the book and ends up fucking the bird- Though it is soon after this that Stolas tracks it and Blitz down. Stolas suggests the arrangement of sex for book, because THAT was the best and only good sex he's ever had, and Blitz agrees. It's made more clear that at the start they BOTH see this as a transactional thing with Stolas gaining feelings later and Blitz not letting himself. I should probably save all that for another post though lmao-

For Millie I wanted her theme of being sorta downtrodden like the rest of I.M.P to focus on her background of having a working class Imp family in Wrath. Like most people in Wrath, they provide for the Forever War, a manifestation of Satan's rage which all Imps have a duty to keep at bay unless it overwhelms the ring. This manifests itself as shadows of humans fighting, tanks, dust storms, etc. Millie has been primed to do this all her life but what she really wants is to make a name for herself much like Blitzo. She could meet him in the same way, being a somewhat famous hired mercenary but not really assassin. I like what they did with her in Ghostfuckers (even if I don't LOVE that ep..) and I think her having that emotional intelligence is important with her coming from a big family. I want her arc to focus on her doing things selfishly and doing things for others and what the right balance is for her. She somewhat selfishly left her sister behind to take care of the farm at a critical moment when her parents were starting to get too old to handle it, but now she compensates for that guilt by throwing herself at other peoples needs like Blitz, Loona, and Moxxie. Also I notably made her less "thicc" and more plus sized/farm strong. It makes more sense to me for her to be properly sturdy. Also I thought it'd be cute if a rarer trait of Wrath Imps was to have cow/hog-like tails. <3 Moxxie, my beloved loan shark baby who looks just like his papa. I'm SO fine with a running theme of the show being generational trauma and how it cascades, but I wanted to tweak Moxxie a bit for sure. I love that he's a theater nerd, which I imagine his mother was too and why they bonded so much. His father can still be a misogonistic and questionably very homophobic asshole, I think it adds to it really. But I am making Crimson a loanshark, which also would give Moxxie something in common with Blitz and why Blitz took him on. Very much seeing himself in Moxxie and visa versa, it was more of a bonus that Moxxie is crazy good with guns. I still like his arc being along the lines of him learning to be confident and not rely on external validation. Anyway I love Moxxie, honestly my main inspiration for changing up his background was because he looked SO much like Millie that it was bugging me.

Also as a teaser, this is what I have stored up for you guys <3

[stxrr-strxckk]

Something I noticed about I Saw the TV Glow that I haven't seen anybody mention yet

I saw this movie in theaters back in early may when it was released (Twice!), and it's been lingering in my head ever since then. Something I noticed on my second watch through: When Owen (and the audience) first see the Pink Opaque, we see Tara and Isabel in this sort of 90s nostalgia light, and I always thought they looked quite similar to Maddy and Owen. For example: Here is Owen and Isabel next to each other for reference.

While it's not entirely the same (Owen has softer features and is warmer toned, Isabel is more sharp and cool toned), they do look like they'd at least be related, cousins at least?

Same with Maddy and Tara, though not as much. (They looked more similar after Maddy's haircut, but I'm too lazy to change the photo)

But then, at the end when Owen is rewatching Pink Opaque? It's completely different. That nostalgic effect is gone and all of a sudden Tara is nowhere to be seen (Since Maddy left the world they were trapped in), and Isabel is completely different. Instead of being the confident, strong, WOC we see her as originally, she's just the same boring white protagonist of every little girl's show we grew up on.

And of course Owen is panicking, realizing that he lost his chance: He buried Isabel; she's dead underground, without her heart and instead of being who he truly is where he truly belongs, he's just... Owen. Stuck in suburbia, living the hell of being a queer kid growing up in the suburbs. Except now, he's an adult living a lie, knowing what he could have had is gone and he's stuck.

And another thing: I think the choice of the fun zone being where Owen works is deliberate. Sure, they could have kept him at the theater, but the theater shutting down is not only accurate (sad but true- please support your local movie theaters!) but shows how everyone is moving on from that experience of going to see a movie (and also from the joy of childhood and into adulthood while Owen is still stuck that awkward teenager!) in person- choosing streaming instead.

And we also notice this change in the Pink Opaque when Owen is watching it streaming. This is a reflection of how media felt more special growing up when it was in a physical form. Cds, vinyl, Dvds, casettes, film reels, even game cartridges, we've always had some physical object that bonds us to the worlds of creativity in which artists express themselves. And whether you've noticed or not, it's a special sort of feeling that just... Dies with streaming. Its like you own a piece of the media. Like saying: "This is mine, it's my personal piece of media that belongs to me and only me." and that's always made it feel special. Sure, there may be multiple copies, but this one belongs just to you. Not to mention the ritual of actually putting in cds, dvds, casettes into a player, or playing vinyl on a record player. There's this action you have to take to consume this media that's familiar and sort of gets you to anticipate what you're about to watch (much like Owen and Maddy's ritual of Maddy taping the show then leaving them around school for Owen to find) whereas now, you're just on a streaming service that lots of people own, and you're just mindlessly scrolling through hundreds of options.

Another thing: What do we see when Owen cuts his chest open in the final few minutes? TV static. Like when a tape finishes and you don't take it out of the player. His tape is over, Isabel is dead, and all that's left is the static of his fake life as he slowly rots in this husk. Now with streaming, you don't get that static. His connection with the Pink Opaque stems from his friendship with Maddy, the nostalgia of his favorite childhood show, and of course: his own queerness.

It's no secret this movie is about growing up queer and feeling like something is wrong. Like some part of you missing, the part that makes you normal. I've seen many reviews on IMDB that clearly missed the point, so I really want to spell it out here: THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT QUEER PEOPLE FOR QUEER PEOPLE. And I've never seen a movie so perfectly encapsulate that feeling more than this one.

From my experience as a queer POC growing up with little to no representation I know this feeling all too well of seeing someone and realizing: "Wow, that's me." And projecting who I wanted to be onto that person. Even though they're not queer, they're not a poc, they're just a character. We try so hard to make them into who we want to be that the image of this character becomes so distorted you barely recognize them. Then, later revisiting that media to realize that a: you've become them, your true self, or b, in Owen's case: that you've buried that person alive and barely recognize yourself now.

It's really such a unique experience that I've never been able to put into words before. These scenes gave me such a visceral feeling and I almost cried in the theater. The scene of Owen in Isabel's dress is just the cherry on top. I myself am lucky enough to not need to transition and growing up I didn't feel as much dysphoria as my other trans friends, but this reminds me of a good friend of mine who used to dress in heels, makeup, skirts, and dresses to try and lessen the dysphoria she felt growing up in the wrong body.

I also love how the movie shows being queer in school.

Like how Maddy asks Owen if he likes girls or boys, and he replies with: "I think I like TV shows."

Avoiding the question because you either don't know the answer, or are so afraid you're gonna get bullied even more for being who you are.

Growing up, there weren't many queer kids in my school. So when we found each other, we stuck together. But for most of school, we were alone. No groups, not many friends, no space at the lunch table for us.

And seeing Owen, I just felt this connection to him almost immediately. Alone, not part of any group, until he finally finds Maddy. They don't have anything in common except the show, which is really the only reason they're friends, but it keeps them together, They're bonded.

For me, I see this as finding another queer kid in a mostly straight school. You may not have much in common, but that identity means you two will stick together, no matter what.

TLDR: I love isttvg, it makes me cry, everyone is gay and fuck imdb.

[not-poignant]

20. Tell us about a memory you hold close to your heart.

A very close friend of mine was moving away from the state, and I was really cut up about it. I'd previously been seeing him and Glen at least weekly for many years. We watched movie premieres together, we went to Japanese festivals together, we went to a regular cafe together, we watched TV together, I cooked us all meals together.

On that final day, we had planned a lot of things but we all knew my energy levels might not be up for it.

In the morning, we all went out for dim sum, and talked about our dreams and hopes, and how much we wanted the best for our friend (this person inspired Kadek, incidentally). We had our favourite dim sum dishes, and laughed together, and lightly made fun of each other (taking the piss in a very Australian way) and then afterwards I realised I'd have to dip and get some sleep to recover some energy for the rest of the day.

I was really scared I wouldn't recover, because I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been able to do three big things in one day, on one hand, in the last ten years.

I slept for many hours, and we rendezvoused at Kings Park, which is gorgeous, and it was a beautiful day. Lightly cloudy, breezy, cool but just enough that you'd warm up nicely in the sun. We all sat down on the grass and stared at the perfect panorama of Perth city and took photos, and made the most of it.

We drove back to our favourite cafe that we'd been haunting for a long time, had our favourite meals. As usual, he took forever to decide on a menu he'd seen over 100 times, and I knew what I was getting before I even got there. We reminisced, we talked about how good our friend was going to do after he moved, we made sure to let him know we loved him and we were proud of him and would always be there for him.

After that, we came back here. I was truly shattered. My body was in pain. My friend knew that I'd spent up all the reserves and all of the "savings" and when he inquired about it, I told him that he was worth a million days like this, and he is.

I sat on the couch, barely verbal, basking in a strange warmth I'd never felt before. It was like being in the sun at Kings Park, but somehow warmer. And as I experienced it for longer, I came to reflect on its newness and how strange and nice it was. It wasn't the feeling of being in love. It wasn't the feeling of just happiness. It was some new thing, completely unfamiliar to me.

It was contentment. Something I'd never felt before. It was a bittersweet contentment, because he was leaving, because I knew what it meant about my entire life up until that point that I'd never felt it, not even in my childhood. Not even for five minutes.

It lasted about 20 minutes, it was some golden thing, and I've only felt it about one more minute since.

I live my life hoping I'll get to feel that again, and yeah, I'd say that's a memory I hold very close to my heart.

--

From the soft asks meme

[nick-nocturne]

Hello! I recently got into your content with Welcome home, and I scrolled on your blog for a bit. I saw that you have... some sort of rivalry/beef with matpat of the theorist channels, and I wanted to know your thoughts on his retirement. As someone who grew up watching his game theory videos, and having those game theory videos, particularly the fnaf theory videos, be the reason I was able to fit in and share common interests with my peers in middle and high school when the fnaf craze was still going strong? It was hard to hear your criticism of one of my beloved childhood figures. But you helped me realize that I had put matpat up on a pedestal because of his videos and because of my childhood nostalgia, and that I didn't need to do that. I do wonder if you think that matpat has gotten better, that he's not as bad or egotistical as he was before. There are many questions I would like to ask. But I'll stick with only one.

So, rivalry/beef/hatred or whatever feelings you hold towards matpat aside, how do you feel about matpat retiring from YouTube? Are you happy? Elated to see a rival or opponent gone? Or do you feel something else about seeing him leave the public sphere. I'd just like to know your opinion, considering your strong feelings on him before.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Nocturne.

An angel must've tapped you to ask this, considering how much I've been thinking about this lately. ::3 The majority of heat I've ever lobbed against MatPat in prior years can best be described as angst, a lot of it unwarranted. I've had issues with his business practices, his content practices, and a lot of his content approaches--but that never called for the kind of flippant sneering I used to exhibit towards him. I've had criticism of MatPat and can't say I saw Game Theory as favorably as I felt it could have been--and I wish I could tell myself from a few years ago to accept that feeling and chill, especially when I knew I still respected his passion, his dedication, and his impact. I feel really good about MatPat retiring and it's for exactly two reasons: he gets to leave on happy terms, on his own terms, after fulfilling a career of over a decade being a trailblazer on YouTube who legitimately has inspired hundreds, if not thousands, of people in a truly positive way; and he gets to pass his position to someone else and give them a chance at what is, for coverage in certain areas of art creation, the top of the mountain. I also thought while watching his goodbye video that he's clearly been thinking a ton about how he's done his work on YouTube, and the impact he's had through his methods, good and bad--I could hear it in his words and the nuances. He's been reflecting, that's for sure, and it informed the way he sat down to talk about the journey. I also felt a lot of resonating with things he said, and there were moments in that goodbye video that I truly understood him and know exactly how he feels. I felt I could have sat on that couch with him and had a conversation as a guy who gets it, because this many years on, I do get it. And while I don't have as much in common with MatPat as I do Jamie of Inside A Mind, or Jeff of Jeffiot, or Goose Boose, there's common ground he and I could talk very warmly over. Ultimately, I am happy he gets to leave in happiness, with what he's built in hands he trusts, and that he knows his first baby--Game Theory--is going to be safe. I wish him, very sincerely, so much happiness and all the fulfillment that opening his life and getting more time as a father, husband, and man will bring him.

[sparklingdemon]

What was the inspiration behind pkmn-monochrome may I ask?

ough. what a good question. i feel like i've been asked this before, but i can finally dive deep into it now that The Reveal is out.

the inspiration for pokemon monochrome was… myself, really.

cody was even initially designed as a sona to represent myself - but eventually i wanted to give them a backstory that solidified them as their own character and give myself an excuse to draw them more, so i created pkmn-monochrome on a whim to make up the lore as i went along. but there were always two things about cody that i had solidified, even back in the beginning: cody was the hacker all along, and was secretly pretending not to be- and they were haunted by the ghosts of their three pokemon, each representing both the gen 1 games and cody's own feelings.

there are a lot of facets of cody's backstory that were directly inspired by my own feelings/experiences with pokemon. or rather- my slow, painful, and messy breakup with modern-era pokemon games.

pokemon is (and probably always will be) my special interest, but i gradually became really disenchanted with the games over time. i think the rot started with the 3DS games (XY played it too safe/basic and felt too small, ORAS was too easy and cut out emerald-exclusive content, SUMO was a good story but too hand-holdy, and then USUM was a cheap re-skin that took too long to get to the interesting parts & ruined the story that made SUMO good). USUM was the last pokemon game i ever bought, because i wasn't impressed with what i was seeing for the upcoming switch games at the time. let's go was a tie-in to a mobile game that i never liked in the first place, SWSH looked underbaked and was cutting out the national dex for the first time ever (and selling SOME of the missing pokemon back to you through expensive DLCs). they created pokemon home, which was the straw that broke the numel's back for me - i didn't want to pay for a subscription service just to keep all of my beloved childhood memories in one safe place. there was a time where all you needed to transfer pokemon was hardware, and that option was being ripped away from me.

it was around that time that i really struggled to cut modern pokemon out of my life. i know it sounds dramatic, but i really do think a part of myself died back then, and i felt a huge grief for losing it- for knowing that if i continued to love pokemon, i would get left behind by the folks who still buy these games that i felt were rushed, unsatisfying, and had predatory business practices. i no longer wanted to be one of those snobby pokemon fans that said "oh, well, even if you criticize it, you're still going to buy it anyway." i couldn't see things the way they did anymore, i couldn't just say, "this game has its problems but i like playing it anyway." i just felt empty.

so like cody, i attempted to make a kanto-centric rom hack, trying to sort out those feelings. the project fell through very early on because i don't actually know how to make a rom hack, but those old ideas were eventually recycled into what became modern day pkmn-monochrome.

but don't get it twisted - just because cody's backstory was directly inspired by my own experiences, that does not make cody a 1-to-1 reflection of me as a person. to me, cody is like a dark, twisted, bad timeline version of me where i never figured out how to healthily sort through my feelings, and instead let them consume me, choosing to take my pain and rage out on others. cody is a very unhealthy person whose actions should not be glorified or imitated. but that's what's so raw and real to me about cody as a character - those feelings could happen to anyone. what's important is what you do in reaction to those feelings. you can't control your emotions, but you can control is your actions. you can't blame your emotions as the reason you hurt people - just as cody can't blame pokemon for the reason they lashed out at red/leaf, their pokemon, and all of the players who unconditionally loved and trusted cody.

monochrome was made for me to sort out my own twisted feelings - sort of like how cody made their rom hack in the first place. but i think it's a lot more healthy for me than it was for cody. because unlike cody, i do still like pokemon - i'm okay with being stuck in the past, loving the older games and not the new ones. it doesn't make me any less of a pokemon fan, and i've found friends out there who feel the same way. i hope the story can help people in the same way it's helped me - identifying my own toxic behaviors and how to avoid them. i hope people can learn from cody's example of what kind of person they shouldn't be.

thanks for the question! i know it's a deeply personal answer, but monochrome is a very deeply personal story to me, haha.

[daresplaining]

I’ve realised another reason why Elektra as Daredevil doesn’t sit right with me is that she’s not physically disabled (and Zdarsky gives no real thought to Elektra’s history of mental illness and the fact that trauma that has kept her from society). It feels like a decision motivated by shipping, the facade of progressiveness and a misunderstanding of Elektra as someone needing “redemption.”

But that line of thought made me realise, Maya Lopez could’ve been a wonderful opportunity for a female Daredevil. Like Elektra, she debuted in Daredevil and does have a romantic history with Matt. But unlike Elektra, she’s never really led her own books and this could’ve boosted her star in marvel comics without undermining her history outside of Daredevil comics. Plus I think representations of disability are deeply important to Daredevil as a character.

I’m glad she got the Phoenix force and Disney+ series for a similar boost, but GOD now I’m yearning to live in that universe.

I love that as a concept! I have thought at various points about Maya taking on the Daredevil mantle, and I do agree it could work, and that it would be more fitting for her than it is for Elektra ("it feels like a decision motivated by shipping, the facade of progressiveness and a misunderstanding of Elektra as someone needing 'redemption'" is spot-on. That's how it feels to me too.) I also agree about the importance of disability as an aspect of the Daredevil identity; it was part of why Sam, especially after being blinded, seemed like a perfect candidate for a possible successor, and I agree that it makes Maya feel right too.

At the same time, though, the longer I've thought about it, the more I feel like Daredevil doesn't really seem right for this kind of legacy. I've thought about this a lot because I adore superhero legacies. I'm a big fan of Iron Fist, and also of the Flash family over at DC. The Iron Fist identity is a formal title. It is a job and a power-set that you acquire and then make your own, stepping into a tradition of service that is centuries old. The Flash legacy is more organic, passed on through fandom (genuinely), family ties, and loving mentorship among a group of people who share the same powers.

My hesitation about the concept of a Daredevil legacy comes only from the fact that that identity is so incredibly personal and specific to Matt. "Daredevil" is a name that he reclaimed from his own childhood trauma. It is a persona he crafted to reflect a side of himself that he wanted to explore but felt he had to keep hidden in his civilian life. Equally, the Echo identity (the name comes from the title of one of her performance pieces but also reflects her relationship to the past, reflects her power-set, reflects how she contextualizes her experience of Deafness, etc.) is very personal and specific to Maya, and it makes me sad to think of her needing to take on someone else's name just to receive more of a spotlight. What does the name "Daredevil" mean to Maya, or to Elektra, two people who already have strongly-established identities of their own? How do they embody it? Why would they choose to? I'm not saying it wouldn't or shouldn't happen, but these are things that I feel would need to be considered.

I'm sure my thoughts on this will continue to evolve, but that's where my mind is right now.

[basicallyaturtle]

never been part of a tag game, sounds really fun! tagged by dear Lanvender, @khan-crete

Do you make your bed? A freshly decrumbed, stuffed animal arranged and dirty clothes removed bed feels great. How often do I do this? We mustn't ask (like once or twice a month) that's all making the bed entails for me, I just have a fitted then normal sheet and blankets

Favorite Number? 4 4 4 4 4! I've loved four my entire life she is like a goddess to me. 2+2 2*2 2^2, divides into halves twice. can only compete with sixteen, whose status and 2^4 and 4^2 is nice, but not as symmetric. 37 and 73 have a place in my heart as the 12th and 21st primes, but not a large place compared to 4

What's your job? What do I get paid for? undergrad lab TA, what do I do? grad research in low energy nuclear physics

If you could go back to school, would you? In school technically still. Would I rewind time to experience school again? highschool no college yes. would I go back for another college degree? I could be convinced if it would be cheap and unobtrusive to my current schooling. Was always torn between physics and linguistics. I made the right choice but I always wonder what if.

Can you Parallel Park? I have done it, on the driving test, like four or five years ago. I think I could do it again, but not too confident

Do you think Aliens are real? Eh, probably in a 'the observable universe 9.3e+9 ly across, it must have happened more than once' kinda way, but not in a 'they've been feeding us tech for thousands of years or are visiting us' kinda way.

Can you drive a manual car? Never tried, hubris tell me yes, anxiety with even normal cars tells me I'd probably fuck up the transmission while trying to leave the driveway. gonna say yeag

Guilty Pleasure? I think like cheesy childhood disney live action movies?, generally I'm pretty full chested about the things I enjoy

Favorite Type of Music? yeah, hard, a lot of vocaloid, which isn't reallly a genre, a lot of edm genres from like old school monstercat, a lot of jrock by way of anime OP's of show's I've never watched then finding other songs by those artists. some rock music though that genre is also extremely expansive and I'm not sure how I'd categorize a lot of it. Generally my music consumption consists of a group of maybe five songs completely unrelated on repeat for months at a time and genre is not a huge factor in that

Do you like puzzles? twisty puzzles like rubik's cube type puzzles are really fun working, towards doing a 3x3 blindfolded but challenging, I used to do jigsaw's with my mom but over the course of a very long time because we'd get frustrated. crosswords, but I'm no good at them

Favorite Childhood Sport? Soccerrrr. Wish I'd stayed with it, but there were only a couple more years before there wasn't a league for my age group anyway, been trying to get back into it recreationally

Do you talk to yourself? I do, but as if I'm talking to someone else. I prefer not to do it because I'm not content with my voice atm, but I find myself doing it a lot especially when getting stuck on research stuff trying to talk it out or I will say a comment to someone I disagree with outloud rather than typing it and posting it. A lot of this is to my reflection which is probably part of the reason it feels like someone else lol

Tea or Coffee? tea all the way. drank iced sweet black tea my entire childhood and started drinking it hot with milk in college. I was the kind of person that disliking coffee was a sort of pillar of my tastes, but then a few years ago made it with like half milk and a lot of sugar and like it, lotta people wouldn't call that coffee, but eh.

First thing you wanted to be when you grew up? The actual first thing was everything. I would amalgamate like all the stereotypes of things kids want to be into one so a firefighter-astronaut-whatever else. When I got a better sense of my interests, inventor, so I guess like product designer, but what that meant to me was I got to sit around and think of neat gadgets and items then figure out how to make them like freeze ray, time machine, clone gun, that kind of thing lol. the first practical idea of a job I wanted was theoretical physicist in like middle school, which I kinda am now so success I guess

What Movies do you Adore? not much of a movie person, but like to watch movies other people are interested in with them, love castle in the sky, LOTR, howl's moving castle, your name, probably others in those categories I don't know about yet or have forgotten and I have a strong soft spot for childhood halloween movies like twitches and halloweentown

I'm curious what @arc-archernar and @charyou-tree have got to say if they'd like to, and anyone else that wants to participate!

[astrophyta]

I...really want to talk about dan feng.

spoilers at the end for imbibitor lunae's companion quest, but mostly the focus will be past content and ichor of two dragons

so, a lot of important stuff has been said already about ichor of two dragons, and to be clear from the get-go I understand that the short is about dan heng, his struggle with his past lives' sins, and specifically the story he has been told about dan feng. in imbibitor lunae's character introduction, he said that he has been thoroughly educated about his past life's sins by the totally-not-biased parties of the ten-lords commission and the preceptors (seems it was just the Ten-Lords Commission):

we've already established that "dan feng," or rather the image of dan feng constructed in dan heng's mind, was a mouthpiece for not only the messages dan heng received from these lessons but also his own fears and doubts about his ability to break free of the past. so, "dan feng" is a symbol to dan heng for something else.

despite this necessary context, I still couldn't help but feel there was a shadow of truth in the short about dan feng's own life being reflected by his mirror image. to explain that further, first we need to talk about dan feng and yubie.

dan feng was yubie's reincarnation, which was established during the todd riordan quest in patch 1.2:

Trailblazer: (Todd wants to see the high elder statue. I'll look for it in this area...) (After taking a photo of the high elder statue) Trailblazer: (This is an artifact left by Dan Heng... Errr, no, by Dan Heng's previous incarnation... Errr, actually, by his previous incarnation's previous incarnation... Seems I've made a remarkable friend indeed.)

yubie is mostly remembered for sealing scalegorge waterscape and suppressing the roots of the ambrosial arbor, which he did in part to return a favor to the xianzhou for giving the vidyadhara a new home.

we are already well aware that dan heng has been treated like dan feng's shadow his whole life, so it shouldn't be difficult to imagine being dan feng and growing up with a giant like yubie looming over your life as well. we heard a few mirages from dan feng's childhood on the way to scalegorge waterscape who call him things like "the chosen one" when he is still preparing to be the high elder of the luofu.

meanwhile, his previous incarnation has a whole statue dedicated to him and his life-defining decision, which was extremely important to the xianzhou natives and their relationship with the vidyadhara. I don't think it's venturing too far into the realm of speculation to say there was already an expectation to measure up when dan feng was still very young.

in truth, the vidyadhara were not all in agreement about yubie's decision. not everyone thought that the xianzhou deserved the sacrifice of their sacred lands:

Old Voice: Use Scalegorge Waterscape to seal the Arbor? Treason! Blasphemy! Old Voice: You've lost your senses! You think this will gain the trust of the Xianzhou natives? Those who are not of our kind can never be of our mind! Voice of High Elder: I understand your misgivings, but my decision is made. That is the course we must take. Old Voice: I... very well. In that case, I will report you to the Preceptors and have you stripped of the name and power of the high elder.

and another echo mirage from the trailblaze mission:

Young Lady's Voice: Young master, must we really forsake Scalegorge Waterscape? Voice of High Elder: ...Can you forgive me, Yueyan? Young Lady's Voice: I cannot say, young master. I feel resentment in my heart, but there are also... feelings I cannot put into words. Young Lady's Voice: The senior Vidyadhara say that the Xianzhou offered us this place — that we hail from another world. Is it time to repay them?

so basically, there's no winning when you're high elder, even when you get a statue made of you for your deeds. measure up to this person and the expectations that come with the role, but also you never will, because your predecessor never truly could either.

again, we know that ichor of two dragons is about dan heng, but humor me for a minute in recognizing how dan heng echoes dan feng's own rebelliousness and stubborn attitude, the high elder that the preceptors were "unable to control." much of what "dan feng" says to him could have also been said to dan feng, the same traditional messages echoing throughout time from one high elder incarnation to the next.

"dan feng" tries to drown and silence the hope and rebellious spirit that dan heng embodies, and it makes me wonder if this same internal struggle was something dan feng ever dealt with, if he had ever tried to drown his own desire for freedom but was unable to do so, surprising even himself. that's more of a stretch in interpretation and just personal speculation, but it makes this scene hit that much harder for me:

so much of dan feng's life was constrained by the notion of futility, every choice nothing more than an illusion. even in the sedition, his desire to find a way out of endless rebirth for the vidyadhara and endless wars against the abundance seems to have backfired stupendously in ways he never intended it to. even so, his life reminds me of what kafka says to the trailblazer at the very beginning of the game: when you have a chance to make a choice, make one you know you won't regret.

if choice is an illusion, make a choice you know you won't regret...is it a paradox, or is there a greater truth within it?

also, one thing about the imbibitor lunae companion quest that I really loved was how every mirage that immediately recognized dan heng's power as dan feng's came at the expense of recognizing bailu's and her claim to the high elder title. it's a metaphor for the side of dan feng that was acceptable to the vidyadhara and the side of him that was not acceptable - the image that they desire of their high elder vs. the whole truth of them. dan heng says as much: bailu has the portion of dan feng's power she is meant to have, his gentleness manifested as abundance, the desire to heal the world and ease its suffering.

and there is something poetic about dan feng's power echoing both destruction and abundance, the same paths as phantylia, but being channeled so differently in both him and his reincarnation and successor.

the pain and loneliness of being a symbol before you are an individual is something that dan heng and dan feng can relate to in one another. in choosing to end that cycle and forge a new path for the vidyadhara and himself, even though it didn't go exactly to his plan, it's clear that dan feng wanted a brighter future for all on the luofu and he risked everything to realize it. with more time and additional perspectives, I hope dan heng can afford dan feng the same treatment he demands for himself - to be treated like a complex being with their own goals and motivations, and not as the echo of an immovable figure rooted in the "idea" of a person rather than reality.