#i've always wanted to like DO something w/ this quote bc like

[mulderscully]

DOCTOR WHO: THE NIGHTMARE OF BLACK ISLAND by Mike Tucker ♡

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

then send me a son

pairing: joel miller x reader

cws/tags: so much angst (w/ happy ending! i swear), discussion of suicide attempt (the canon one), suicidal ideations, losing a child, losing a parent, survivors guilt, discussions of abortion, unplanned pregnancy, p in v, oral sex, virginity loss (but it's not that big of deal/not a kink), both dealing w grief, ellie is dead, this is set in jackson post tlou pt I

summary: joel is put on suicide watch after he returns to jackson w/o ellie and reader becomes his 'caregiver' of sorts. lowkey enemies to lovers but also not bc it's kinda one-sided 'hatred'

a/n: author is pro-choice! and also understands the complexities of mental health that reader and joel do not at times (just wanted to make it clear that i understand... from personal experience... what depression is like as well as suicidal ideation).

title is from the song 'the suburbs' by arcade fire, but listen to the entirety of the suburbs (album) and funeral (album) if you want to understand my mindframe while writing this

the last sentence is a quote and i've reblogged it before but i'll find the image and post it/reblog it again

wc: 9.4k

masterlist | ko-fi | taglist

Joel is just surprised Tommy has the gall to ask, “Where’s Ellie?” when he arrives in Jackson alone. 

In this world, when two people leave and only one comes back, you don’t ask because you already know what happened. You wait for that person to tell you about a miracle, and when they don’t, you know for sure. 

“Heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing,” is Joel’s response. 

But Joel doesn’t believe in Heaven or Hell, or anything other than ashes and dirt. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Tommy says because he’d already said ‘I’m sorry’ when Sarah died, and that didn’t bring her back. 

It takes a hefty amount of booze to get Joel to tell the story.

“I just hope she died for something. Then, at least, I’ll know I’m being selfish.”

I didn’t get that with Sarah, he thinks. She didn’t die for a ‘noble cause’. He doubts Ellie did either. 

“You’re being put on watch,” Maria tells him the next morning – when he’s sober and asking what his duties are now that he’s back. 

Life goes on, which means work goes on, so what’s my job? As long as it’s not burning bodies, I’ll be okay. 

“Watch? Like I’m watching, or I’m being watched.”

“Being watched.”

He asks why, though he doesn’t need to. Tommy knows why he’s got that scar on his forehead. 

“Fucking authoritarian bullshit,” he mutters, half into his pillow. “Thought you were a communist.”

“I am. And this has nothing to do with that.”

“I bet Tommy put you up to it anyway.”

“He didn’t ‘put me up to anything’.”

“But he told you, didn’t he?”

“He told me a long time ago.”

“Figures. You always knew I was a coward.”

“You say stuff like that, and then act like you don’t need help.”

“I didn’t say I don’t need help. I said I don’t want it.”

She’s silent, letting him continue. “Now let me grieve in peace, will you?”

She hums something akin to agreement, but asks for something that sounds like protest to him. “Where’s your gun?”

“Which one?”

“All of ‘em.”

He tells her because he doesn’t want Tommy or anyone else searching through all his bullshit because that’s what happens if he doesn’t give ‘em up.

“Want my kitchen knives too?” he says, almost wryly. 

She takes most of them, but leaves the more blunt ones out of sympathy. He can have butter on his toast. Unless she takes the toaster so he can’t take it with him in the bathtub. 

She leaves the toaster, and then, leaves him alone. 

Quite frankly, he’s too old to kill himself. Sure, people do it at his age, but he’s so goddamn tired. Moreover, he knows he could get someone else to do it pretty easily. Maybe he could be a martyr. He could save someone from a clicker or a soldier. He could save someone’s life for once. But would that be enough to save his soul? To make it to Heaven and see Ellie and Sarah again?

Maybe, he would, if God really does love people the way some say he does. But if Joel was God, he’d deny himself entry.

He stays in bed for the rest of the day. Aside from the two times he eats. And once in the middle of the night to take a piss because he may be depressed, but the last of his dignity is motivation enough not to wet the bed. 

He doesn’t shower or change his clothes. Not like he’s wearing a shirt anyway, just boxers ‘cause it’s too hot outside and he doesn’t want to get up and turn on the fan. Sleep doesn’t come easy, but it comes. It comes because it has to, reluctant as it is.

He wakes up to the voice of an unfamiliar woman. Quieter than Ellie or Sarah, less stern than Maria or Tess. Not like he was expecting to hear from three out of four of those women, not outside of his dreams. 

You’ve always cared about people, saving lives and all that. But you’re no good with a gun, so Tommy finds a better job than patrol for you.  

“You’re going to be watching my brother, Joel.”

“Like, spying on him?”

“No, like making sure he doesn’t kill himself.”

A suicidal man is nothing new, especially in this world, but Tommy’s bluntness about it is. He acts as if it’s a normal job. Like the ones in office buildings that sound wonderful even though the people who tell you about them assure you it was barely better than life is now. This new watchmen position is the same as patrol, in a way. Terrifying in the gravity it holds. You have to keep someone alive.

You can shoot deer, you can run quickly, you can hide well. You can survive on your own. But, at age 10, your mom bled out as you sat by her side. You were too weak to carry her, to dig a grave and bury her. Your survival feels unearned, but you’re no good with guns. You’d miss if you tried to do it. That’s a rare thought anyway, and surely not one you plan to ever speak aloud. They’d put you on watch too, which sounds suffocating, in all honesty.

You don’t know Joel. You’ve heard his name in passing, but you arrived in Jackson during the period of time he was gone. He was going to take some girl to some hospital for something or other. 

“What about that girl?” you ask. “Is she not taking care of him?”

“She’s not around anymore.”

“Oh,” you say. 

He just nods. The ‘why’ of the whole arrangement makes sense, but you’re still unclear on the ‘how’. Am I just supposed to stay in his house 24/7? Is he allowed to shower on his own? Do I have to cook or do laundry?

“Just check in on him. He’s not the most… personable, but don’t take anything he says to heart.”

Just check in on him. It sounds simpler than it will be, you know that much. Even keeping a plant alive takes more than ‘checking in on it’. 

You arrive at his house around 10 AM. You assume he’ll be awake, but when you look around his living room and kitchen, you can’t find him. Oh God, you think. What if he’s… 

He’s asleep in bed. You’re pretty sure. He’s lying there and there’s no evidence that anything’s wrong, but when you say his name from the doorway, he doesn’t move. So, you walk closer to him, just to make sure he’s breathing. 

“Joel,” you say softly – because your other option is reaching out to touch him, and you feel that’s a little too personal, especially when he’s not wearing a shirt. 

“Who the Hell are you and how did you get into my house?” he says. 

“Tommy sent me.”

“Oh, so they’re making you watch me?”

“Yeah.”

You’re glad he knows about the arrangement. Maybe he’ll give you some direction on what to do with him. 

“Must hate you if they stuck you with me.” 

You can’t tell if he’s being ironic, but you hope so. Still, you don’t know how to respond. You decide on a simple, “I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

Though you’re alone in the room, you sit with perfect posture on Joel’s couch, looking around at the decor – or lack thereof – looking for clues about who this man is. 

You think about making him breakfast, but you’d have to raid his cabinets to do so, and you’re terrified to make any missteps when it comes to Joel. You don’t think he’ll kill himself over burnt toast, but there is a persistent need lodged inside your brain to make him like you. It’s a little selfish when you should be focused on just keeping him alive, but maybe if he likes you, he’ll feel better, maybe you’ll feel better too. That’s still nothing but the ever-lingering hope in your heart. But it’s something.

He comes downstairs eventually, in a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms. 

“Good morning,” you say. 

“No, it ain’t,” he says, heading in the direction of the kitchen. 

“Do you want me to help you with anything? Breakfast or coffee?”

“I can make my own damn coffee, kid.”

And he does. The first shred of kindness you get from him is an offer to pour you a cup. 

“I’m alright, but thank you.”

He sits down in a chair across from you and sips his coffee as you watch him awkwardly. 

“Are you really gonna do that all day?”

“Do what?”

“Sit there and stare at me.”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“You could leave, for starters.”

“I’ll get in trouble.”

“What? You afraid Tommy’ll get upset with you?”

“A little.”

“He’s a softie. I wouldn’t worry too much.”

You are worried. Sure, you want Tommy to be happy with you, but moreover, you don’t want to leave Joel alone lest something happen to him. You might not know the guy very well, but you’d hate to see someone take their own life. 

“Can I just stay here? I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

He shrugs, and you take it as a yes.

He does not need a caregiver or a watchman. He does not need you, but you look like a kicked puppy and there’s no way he’ll force you to leave. Another young girl he’ll reluctantly let stick by his side. It’s almost cruel of Tommy to send someone like you. Someone young and full of life. Someone he has a hard time pushing away. 

He should’ve sent Joel a crotchety old bitch or a drill sergeant. Maybe Tommy thinks he’s doing Joel a favor by giving him a nice girl, polite and eager to please. It’s a good thing your chipper attitude irritates him. It’s the first item on the very small list of qualities that Joel dislikes.

At first, he insists on making his own food. You’re still a guest, even if he’s reluctant to have you as one. It doesn’t matter where he lives, he’ll always have been raised in Texas. He’ll always hear his mother calling him out on his lack of manners. His hospitality is force of habit.

Plus, if he lets you do anything for him, he’ll owe you something – at least in his mind. And he doesn’t want to owe anyone anything. He doesn’t want to give or get or build any kind of rapport with you whatsoever, especially since you seem to take all attention as progress, despite the fact that Joel is harsh with you most of the time. 

The whole ordeal makes him feel like more of a failure than he did before. He couldn’t save Ellie, or Sarah for that matter, and now he’s being forced into his own retirement or held hostage depending on how you look at it, so he can’t even get the satisfaction that productivity brings.

He also finds himself pretty fucking bored without work. He became so used to being in constant battle, even in his sleep. One wrong move and he was dead. The worst injury he’s gotten in the past few weeks was a paper cut.

Reading was never his biggest hobby, but it’s not bad when you find the right book. Often, you’ll sit across the room from him and read a book of your own, and the silence as he relaxes into the couch is quite peaceful for a change. 

No amount of peace and quiet can cure his boredom, though. It makes him antsy, and you notice. You notice a lot when your job is just staring at him, it seems.

“I found a book of crossword puzzles,” you announce. 

“Congratulations,” Joel says. 

“I thought since you were bored, I’d give them to you, and maybe you could do them…”

By the look on your face, he can guess that you’re regretting your words. Lest he make you cry, he accepts the book. 

“Plus, it looks kind of old so I don’t know if I’d know how to do it myself,” you add.

He knows you don’t mean it as an insult, but it sounds like one, and it makes him laugh. The list of qualities Joel likes about you is already long — and buried deep in his subconscious — but he’ll have to add the fact that you can make him laugh.

“Are you calling me old?”

“Not in a bad way. You’re just older than I am.”

He flips through the book and finds that about 80% of them are done. 

“Somebody did most of these already.”

“I’m sorry… maybe I could erase that person’s answers and then you could do them?”

“I think I’d still be able to tell.”

You hang your head in defeat. 

“Gimme a pencil and I’ll try the ones that aren’t done yet.”

You look through his junk drawer, find a pencil, and hand it to him. He doesn’t expect you to sit on the couch next to him. 

“I know you’re supposed to watch me, but you don’t have to watch that closely.”

You move away slightly, no longer looking over his shoulder. 

“I was just curious about the answers.”

“I was kidding around,” he says (though, it’s only a half-truth). “Come back here.”

It takes him about a week to finish the book. 

“Had to go back and fix some of the others,” he says. “The person who originally filled ‘em out was an idiot.”

“That’s not very nice. Maybe it was a kid.”

“Kid had great handwriting, then.”

You pause, hesitating for a reason he can’t pinpoint. 

“What? You want me to say sorry for calling that guy an idiot. ‘Cause I will if it matters that much to you.”

“No, no, fuck that guy, he was an idiot,” you say, clearly taking after him. 

“Language, Missy,” he says, jokingly scolding you. 

“Sorry. I should stop swearing.”

“It’s okay. You probably picked it up from me anyway.”

“Maybe,” you agree. You’re fidgeting, holding something behind your back, he notices. 

“Whatcha got there?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, really,” you say, holding it out to him. “I just figured since you finished the crossword book, I should get you more.”

He only did the crosswords for you. He never really cared for them anyway. He just wanted to make you happy — he’d rather have you content than pissy or whiny. The only thing worse than your constant insistence on getting his approval would be if you just sat there and cried all day.

He’d tried to give the book back to you, but you couldn’t do ‘em on your own since you were lacking in 90s pop culture knowledge. So, he did them, with you watching over his shoulder the whole time. 

He’s about to admit this to you and hand the new one back over to you when he looks at the pages – white paper, stapled together, all drawn up in pen. 

“Did you make these?” he asks, in awe of both your ability to draw perfectly straight lines, and moreover, how much you must care if you’re willing to go to these lengths. Kiss-ass behavior, he tells himself.

You nod, and he gets the sudden urge to hug you, but opts for a thank you with a smile he can’t repress.

“You didn’t have to do all this, but it’s very sweet of you.”

He considers taking back the ‘very sweet’ comment when he finds that 3 down is four letters with the prompt “grumpy old man”. JOEL fits perfectly in the blank spaces. 

You go on walks, read endless books, and Joel finally lets you start taking on some of the housework. It should be nice, but you get the feeling he’s not all that happy about this situation. Not that he tells you it outright. He doesn’t tell you much at all. And you’ve tried. It’s not like you’re asking hard-hitting questions. 

“How old are you?” 

“56.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Blue.”

He doesn’t even bother to ask the same question back to you. Sometimes, he doesn’t even look up at you when you speak to him. You know it’s the depression of losing someone close to you, you know what that feels like – the problem is, you don’t know how to fix it. You only know how to hide it.

It’s quite simple, in theory. All you have to do is give him the desire to get out of bed every day. But you don’t even know what he likes. All you know is that your presence is not high on his list of favorite things. You try and try until you swear his shitty attitude is rubbing off on you. 

Tommy checks in with you periodically, asking you how things are going with Joel, and this would be the perfect opportunity for you to get out of this position, which Joel would probably love, but to spite him, you tell Tommy it’s going well.

And it is, in a way – Joel is not actively mean to you. He doesn’t insult you or argue with you, he just mostly ignores you. So, you figure if you ignore him, maybe he’ll miss your attention. Stupid teenage bullshit mindset, acting like you have a crush on him, playing some sort of push and pull game that he’s not even privy to. 

But that’s not like you. That brooding behavior is all Joel, so it lasts no more than a day or so until you go back to trying, and accept the fact that he’s just an asshole. Doesn’t mean you have to be one. 

You never expected to win him over with the crossword puzzles but you see the look in his eyes when you give him the homemade ones, and you know there’s something in there besides all that pain. You know that look, can’t put a name to it, all you know is that it’s a good sign, one you had yet to see from Joel.

Joel wouldn’t have thought he’d get tired of hearing someone ask, “can I do anything for you?”, constantly begging to dote on him, to care for him. The last time someone did this for him was on Father’s Day, which is an ancient holiday now, almost mythical.

But it’s been weeks of the same old shit. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, you’re probably the best ‘caregiver’ he could’ve gotten stuck with. Thing is, though, he doesn’t want a caregiver, and he’s tired of said caregiver bombarding him. It’s enough to just have her watching him like a hawk, but yapping in his ear is another thing. Because he enjoys the quiet (and because the way you ask him questions reminds him of Ellie.)

It’s a joke, a stupid joke. It’s his patience wearing thin.

“Can I get you anything?” you ask. 

“Sure. A beer, maybe. And a fuckin’ blowjob,” he mutters. Yeah, that’d be the dream but it’s a joke, bordering on a jab at you. 

“I don’t think we have any beer,” you say. You both know damn well there’s no alcohol in the house. 

“I know.”

“And, as for the other thing- is that something that you’d want… me to do?”

“Hey,” his tone softens. “Sweetheart, it was a joke. I was messing with you.”

“Okay, so you don’t want that, correct?”

“It was a joke. I’m sorry I even said it.”

“Don’t be sorry,” you say, sheepishly. “It’s your house, your rules, right?”

The concept of free speech in his house was one he’d brought up regarding ‘swear words’— It’s his house so he’s allowed to say ‘fuck’, ‘shit’, ‘bitch’, and every other word he could come up with, and he came up with some deep cuts just to make you laugh. Admittedly, it’s a nice sound.

“Yeah.” He thinks for a moment. “I just think that these sorts of topics aren’t appropriate for someone…”

“You know I’m an adult, right, Joel?”

“Yes, I know, but you’re still young and you seem a little innocent. I don’t want to put those types of thoughts in your head.”

“I know what a blowjob is, and I know what sex is. I just haven’t found the right person yet. That doesn’t mean I’ve never thought about it or whatever.”

You rarely snap at him, so he knows that word — innocent — must’ve been more offensive than he’d meant it. Maybe you’re not innocent. Maybe you’re just kind and a hell of a lot younger than him. Maybe it just seems like you should be.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just saying that I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“But do you want it?” You punctuate every word with a newfound annoyance.

“It’s not about that.”

“Yes it is.” You’re quite incredulous for someone who has been presented with the idea only a moment ago.

“Fine. Yes, in theory, if we were just two people who know each other, then, sure, if you offered, I’d say yes.”

“I offered.”

The way he calls you ‘sweetheart’ feels more like an insult than a term of endearment. You’d rather be ‘kid’ or nothing at all, anything less patronizing. It’s worse when he calls you innocent. You’re not innocent, you’re just nice — something that Joel is not. You’re painfully nice. You’ve heard it makes people like you. You’re still waiting on the results, though.

But, if he’d ordered you to suck him off, you’d have kneed him in the balls, and he would’ve thought twice about calling you ‘sweetheart’. The thing is, he doesn’t. Instead, he backs away from the opportunity, tells you it was a joke. 

But you see two things behind his eyes: one, he wants this. He might not want to want this, but he does. More importantly, you see his genuine concern for your well-being override this desire and you realize you feel safer around him than you do around most men. That’s one of the reasons that you do give him ‘a fuckin’ blowjob’. The other being that, sometimes, before you go to bed, you can’t sleep, and a certain man comes to mind as your fingers slip beneath the waistband of your panties. 

When you reiterate that you offered, you exchange a long stare wherein you try to reach into each other’s souls and sort this shit out but when you both realize you can’t, Joel says, “Okay.”

And you say, “Okay.”

A new kind of tension bubbles to the surface as Joel sits down on the couch and you kneel before him. 

You fiddle with his belt, eventually managing to get it undone, but Joel does the rest of the work it takes to get his pants down to his ankles, boxers too. 

You’d imagined he’d be big, but that’s how fantasies work. Every man’s dick is big in your lewd daydreams, but it’s like you manifested it with Joel. You begin to feel like you’re in over your head, and though you aren’t innocent, you aren’t experienced enough to take him. But who are you to back down from a challenge?

Joel can see hesitation wash over your face for the first time. You pause, study the scene like you’re trying to decide your approach, and then you take his cock in your hand, looking up at him like you’re asking for the green light.

He gives you the go-ahead with the only piece of advice he thinks you’ll need. “Just don’t bite, and you’ll do fine.”

He probably should’ve mentioned another thing: don’t take too much at once or you’ll choke. His head lolls back and his eyes fall closed the moment your lips meet the tip of it. He doesn’t touch you, doesn’t want you to feel intimidated by his presence while you’re exploring, so to speak. He lets out a low groan of approval to let you know he’s still with you.

But he’s fading into a beautiful oblivion until he hears you gag, feels you sputter and it shocks him out of that blissful feeling. His eyes snap open and he cradles the back of your head. 

“Easy, easy,” he says. “Don’t hurt yourself.” 

You pull away briefly and catch your breath. 

“That’s good,” he says. “Breathe, baby.”

He can see you looking for instructions, so he takes your hand and helps you get a firm grip on his cock, sliding your hand up and down, and finally letting you do it on your own. 

“Doin’ good, baby,” he says. “You gotta give your mouth a break sometimes.”

You’ve never gotten anything close to praise from Joel before. It’d warm your heart like nothing else if it weren’t so goddamn sexy in this context. 

You nod, wipe the spit from your chin, and give your mouth a brief break, but you can’t hold yourself back forever. Soon, your lips are back on his cock, kissing from the base to the tip, flicking your tongue over the head, seeing what reactions you can get from him. 

When you get into the rhythm of hand and mouth in tandem, you barely register him telling you that he’s gonna come. 

You imagine it’s an acquired taste but it’s not awful. You can swallow it. So, you do, and you look up at him with a smile. 

He looks like he’s woken up from a dream and he’s still getting his bearings straight, but he’s quick to stand up and take your hand. 

“Where are we going?”

“To my bed.”

You’d follow him anywhere but bed does sound good to you right now. It sounds like an adventure. You don’t go into his bedroom unless absolutely necessary. You’d think he was hiding something horrible in there if you didn’t have a mutual feeling regarding your own bedroom.

“Are we going to have sex?” you ask. 

“No,” he says. 

“Then, what are we going to do?”

“You,” he begins. “Are going to lie back and relax.”

He coaxes you to lie down, and he doesn’t have to try hard. 

“I,” he continues. “Am going to make you feel good.”

You’re fairly certain about what he means, so there’s nothing left for you to do but let him do the work. It’s just another part of the job you’ll have to learn from experience.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he says. 

You nod. 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Let’s get you out of these clothes,” he says, playing with the hem of your t-shirt. 

“Wait-” you say, sitting up, and he withdraws. “Can we kiss… first?”

He looks surprised for a moment, and you worry you’ve fucked up. 

“I just feel like we should do that,” you say, much quieter.

“Yeah,” he says. “I guess that makes sense.”

His hand cups your cheek and he looks you in the eyes like he’s trying to find answers somewhere in there. 

“Has anyone ever kissed you before?”

“Not really, not the way I want you to kiss me.”

“Feels a bit rude of me to have put my dick in your mouth before you’d even been kissed.”

Still, he leans in and kisses you, but it’s soft, gentle. It’s not a peck on the lips, though, it’s more. It gradually gains momentum and passion. Eventually, he slips his tongue in your mouth and you take it in stride. 

“You’re very good at this,” he says. “If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t think this was your first time.”

“Is that a compliment?” you ask, doubting Joel is capable of such things.

He ignores your question, and sighs. You know it’s not directed at you because you’re fairly sure he’s not listening.

“I know I said I was gonna do some things with you, but I don’t wanna take things too fast, okay?”

“Are you saying you’re just going to kiss me?”

“I think that’d be the right thing to do.”

“That’s not fair,” you whine.

You wish you could sound sexy, or whatever, but you probably come off like a bratty child.  

“Excuse me?”

“That’s not fair. You said you’d make me feel good. I thought you were gonna return the favor.”

“I was.”

“Then, why are you backing out?”

You’re shocked that he’s the pussy — pun-intended — in this scenario.

“I thought it might be too much for you.”

You grab his hand and slip it under the flimsy fabric of your shorts. 

His eyes go wide. 

Fucking hell, you’re wet, is the only thought on Joel’s mind. It makes sense. He’d be offended, maybe even worried if you were dry as a desert down there, but he’s barely touched you. Either you really enjoyed kissing him or you actually liked sucking him off too.

He gently presses the pads of his fingers against the wet spot on your panties.

“You’re right, baby. It’s only fair if I help you out.”

He’s able to get your shorts and your panties down in one swift pull. You look impressed by the action. Just you wait, he thinks. He’s not an expert by any means, but it’s not too hard to learn if you pay attention — and sex is one of the only times Joel does listen — it’s also not a skill you lose over time. It’s muscle memory, or maybe it’s innate.

His thumb rubs your clit lazily as he watches your face scrunch up in pleasure, your eyes fill with need. When the first finger slips inside you, he hears a breathy sigh come from above — it sounds like relief though he knows you haven’t come yet.

He’s never had a woman have such a strong reaction to his lips on her clit. It almost startles him at first. You’re frantic from the moment his lips meet your skin, crying out for him like you’re scared he’ll stop.

“Hey,” he says, “I’m right here. Don’t have to get so worked up. I’m gonna take care of you.”

He can’t say another word because his lips are occupied, so he relies on his hands, his soothing touch, to tell you that everything is alright. He gets the urge to tell you how good you are for him, how good you taste, how pretty you are like this, but he knows it’d be cruel to let up now. He’s callous often, sometimes harsh, but rarely cruel.

His instinct tells him to drag this out, to make your thighs shake, to have tears running down your cheeks, to tease you. To be the asshole that he tends to be when you’re around (and when you’re not). This is a version of Joel you might come to like.

He’s lived long enough to be well-practiced in this field of life. Doesn’t matter if he’s particularly romantic or even sociable, it’s just happened enough times over the course of fifty plus years for him to know the ins and outs. He can get you there quickly and lead you through it slowly.

He’s so used to you saying his name in a tone he considers pestering that he’s begun to hate the word itself. But when it’s drawn out and desperate like this, it sounds wonderful.

You’re at his mercy, he thinks. Which means he’s in control. And, as much as he’d hate to admit it, control does not mean he can kill you, control means he can care for you.

When you come down from your high, Joel is looking up at you from between your thighs with messy hair and kiss-dark lips. His smile looks like one of pride. Your cheeks heat up, only half-remembering what just happened. You could describe the event simply in a cause and effect relationship — he went down on you, so you came. You know what an orgasm feels like, but that was something beyond anything you’d ever experienced before. You fear an addiction may be coming on.

Your voice comes out shaky, which only makes your first words after a long silence sound stupider. “Thank you.”

He looks confused, and it takes him a moment to respond. “My pleasure,” he says, and you swear it might be when you see a semi through his sweatpants.

You’d offer more ‘help’ but you truly don’t think you can manage it. You can feel your body pulling you towards sleep. Your eyes have barely opened and they want to close again.

Joel notices because how could he not, you’re completely naked in every sense of the word.

“Get some rest,” he says before standing up.

He’s leaving.

“Where are you going?” you ask, instinctively.

“Downstairs.”

You do not want to say it. The fear of rejection is too strong, but so is the sudden urge to cry. Holding back tears is a strength of yours, though, so Joel never sees them. Somehow, after doing one of the most adult things, you feel like a baby in the wake of it. You are supposed to be taking care of him, and you are failing.

“What?” is his response to your refusal to meet his eyes.

“I just assumed you were going to stay. That’s all.”

“I can. If that’s what you need me to do.”

You don’t say anything. He climbs into bed anyway after picking up your underwear and handing it to you.

He doesn’t hold you but he doesn’t leave either. What he does do is kiss you on the forehead when he thinks you’re already asleep. It’s a compromise between your fear and your desire.

It isn’t as weird as one might think it would be — acting as if you’ve never done anything remotely sexual with one another. It’s easier because you don’t have to go back to being friends. You never really were. It was always awkward. What’s new? Only your knowledge that at least some of your feelings are mutual. Only the fact that you think about having sex with him every time he’s in front of you. It’s really just out of curiosity sometimes. What would he be like in bed? Does he want it too? How would you even broach the subject?

Sometimes, it’s not just curiosity. Those days are harder to navigate. You have to pretend like every little touch — most of them accidental — fuels the fire. It’s not the sensation itself. It’s just the acute awareness of his body, how close it is to yours, how easily you could reach out and touch him, that enters your mind.

“You’re staring.” Joel says from the other side of the couch.

“Sorry. I zoned out.”

“Got something’ on your mind?”

“Not really.”

“C’mon, what is it?”

“Why do you suddenly care about my thoughts?” About me.

“You think I didn’t care about you before? You’ve been in my house everyday for months now.”

“So?”

“And, I haven’t tried to kick you out yet.”

“You’re not allowed to kick me out. That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Okay. How ‘bout this: I’m down here sitting with you because I know you don’t like to be alone.”

“So you pity me?”

“No, if I pitied you, I’d have told Tommy to give you a new job.”

“Okay, so, you expect me to believe you care but you refuse to talk to me half the time.”

“I’m not much of a talker. But, now that I’m trying to talk to you, you’re shutting me out.”

“I’m not— It’s just not a big deal. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about anyway.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“I said, that’s bullshit.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll talk.”

You take a deep breath before speaking, one long enough that he gestures for you to go on.

“I was just thinking about what it would be like if we had sex.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, since we, you know, we did that stuff… it’s not like it’s a totally crazy thought.”

“‘That stuff’? Be more specific, honey.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“I do, but you can’t be thinking about having sex with me when you can’t even use big girl words when you’re talking about it.”

“It doesn’t even matter.” Your face is burning. It so, totally, does matter. “I was just curious.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Mm-hmm. Go on thinking, I’ll get back to reading.”

“Wait, what? You just made me tell you that to make me embarrassed? You’re not even gonna—”

“What? Gonna fuck you?”

The word slips out of his mouth so easily.

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Truth is: he’s been thinking about you every day since. He only caught you staring because he was doing the same. He tries to restrain himself because it feels like the right thing to do.

But he still, he acquiesces and takes you upstairs to his bedroom.

He lays you down on the bed and undresses you slowly like you’re a gift and he doesn’t want to tear the paper. He places your clothes atop the dresser, but leaves his strewn across the floor.

Wonder fills your eyes as he reveals his naked body. Hesitation and awe wrapped up in one.

“Wow,” you say, breaking the silence, “it’s, um, you know— do you think it’ll fit?”

It’s not the first time he’s heard that. It no longer brings him that bashful pride that it did when he was younger. It’s just a fact. A nuisance sometimes.

“Not if we don’t get you ready first.”

“Do you need to get ready first too?”

He looks down at his cock, rock-hard and eager.

“No, baby, just looking at you is enough to get me ready.”

A thought crosses his mind — one he thought he’d left in his teenage years — what if he comes too quickly?

He lies back on the bed next to you and reaches for you, waits for you to let him maneuver you.

“Come here,” he says.

You sit up and face him, slowly inch towards his arms that beckon you.

You’re fairly sure you know what he wants you to do. Sit on his face. But god, something about it seems awkward in the amount of control you simultaneously give up and are given in turn.

“You trust me, right?” he asks.

“Of course.”

An answer you wouldn’t have ever thought you’d give back when you first met.

“Then, come sit on my face.”

You swing your leg over him and steady yourself above his face.

He grips your thighs to guide you. You grip the headboard to save yourself from passing out the moment Joel’s mouth meets your skin.

Joel wouldn’t be the man you’d have thought would have such a talented tongue based on how little he uses it. You can’t blame him for not talking right now. Your moans echo off his bedroom walls and permeate the balmy summer air. The windows are closed and the curtains shield your naked bodies from the neighbors but even if you’d left them open, you wouldn’t have the sense to care.

You’re an incoherent mess of moans and half-words, trembling thighs and sweat. Your orgasm comes on strong, and if your eyes weren’t screwed shut, maybe you’d see the gates of heaven.

It’s been a while since he’s done this. Tess never liked it like this and the last woman before her was one from another lifetime, pre-outbreak, an inconceivable world despite having once called it home.

He’s not really thinking about that, though, in this moment, all Joel can think of is you. Your skin, your sweat, your heat, and the pretty noises you make. At one point, he swears he hears his name though your thighs are covering his ears. And he doesn’t mind it one bit.

“I’m gonna pass out,” he hears from above him.

“No, you’re not. I’ve got you,” he tries to say, though surely his words are muffled.

“Don’t let me go.”

He doesn’t. He carefully helps you lie back on the bed. When he meets your gaze, he swears he’s never seen adoration like that in anyone’s eyes before. At least, not in a long time.

It terrifies him, but in spite of his hesitation, he holds you close.

A blanket of peaceful silence settles over your bare bodies.

You speak quietly, trying not to awaken Joel’s senses. The ones that pull him away from you. The moment feels like glass in your hands.

“Are we going to have sex?”

“Hm?”

“We were going to, right? You were getting me ready for it.”

“I thought I wore you out.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’d tell you if you were.”

He hesitates.

“I’ll be good. I promise.”

Those are the words that awaken his arousal. In an instant, you find his body looming above yours. He kisses you until your lips are red and puffy. He doesn’t break your gaze as he positions his cock at your entrance. Your green light is your needy hips begging him to fuck you.

He starts slow, even the head is a stretch. You scrunch up your face and hold back the urge to squirm.

“It’s gonna be a little uncomfortable at first, baby, and that’s why we’re gonna take it slow.”

Slow is an understatement. It takes ages for him to give you another inch — or maybe you’re just antsy. This one makes you whimper, makes you clamp down around him.

“It’s okay, baby. You’re gonna be fine.”

Joel’s voice is tender and sweet, and it gives you enough hope to ask for something you think he’d usually deny you.

“Can you hold my hand?”

He interlocks his fingers with yours. It feels oddly natural. He doubts he’s heard someone ask to hold his hand since— not now, he’ll go soft if he thinks about her. He’ll close in on himself and you need him — in more ways than one.

He continues slowly as he promised he would until he hears your moans of pleasure and your pleas for more, more, more. More is a little bit faster, a little bit harder, as deep as you can take it, and most importantly, his thumb tracing circles on your clit.

You squeeze his hand with yours as your inner walls clamp down around him.

“Just let it happen. It’s okay. I’m right here.”

When you come, he does too — the most blissful mistake he’s ever made.

Curses fly out of his mouth through his orgasm, stopping briefly as he catches his breath, and resuming when he pulls out and watches as his come drips out of you.

“Fuck. Shit. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you insist. “I liked it.”

“I’m glad you liked it.” Because I fucking loved it. “But, it’s dangerous. We’ve gotta be more careful.”

In the future — it’s implied. Another time is nothing when the lines have all been crossed and when the other side brings him a warmth the hot summer never could.

You have more power over him than the sun.

It becomes a routine — briefly — and you are more careful. You discreetly buy condoms, but when your next period doesn’t come, you fear it might be too late.

You don’t tell Joel, not at first. Sometimes, they’re irregular, and you don’t want to give the man a heart attack. But then a week passes, another week passes, and eventually you have to — especially when you’re beginning to feel a bit nauseous and have no other explanation for it. It’s better to say something before he asks.

“Joel,” you say, “I haven’t gotten my period yet.”

A look of horror crosses his face before he asks, “How late is it?”

You take a breath before admitting, “A few weeks.”

“How many?”

“Almost three.”

“Fuck.” He sighs in preemptive defeat. “Have you taken a test?”

“No, I thought it would come so I didn’t want to overreact.”

“We’re going to go get one.”

He stands up immediately and turns towards the door.

“Wait,” you say, stopping him in his tracks.

“I should probably get it. It’ll look less suspicious.”

No, it won’t. Those who suspect something is up with you, will have their suspicions, and those who don’t, won’t think to pay attention.

They recommend taking multiple because false negatives are common.

The first one is a clear positive, so clear you think it might be a false positive, so you wait to freak out until you see two lines come up on the second test.

Joel is silent, even when you hand him the test.

But, so are you, because what more is there to say? The tests say it all.

“I’ll do whatever you need me to,” he says, and you’re surprised until he clarifies.

“I doubt they’ll make you pay for the pill or the procedure — however they do it, but I’ll take care of you while you’re recovering. I’ll be there through it all. Promise.”

The pill or the procedure. The abortion that he expects you to have. Truth be told, you hadn’t really thought about what you’d do until now. It’s probably the right decision. Do you really want to bring a baby into this world? Can you even take care of one?

“Okay,” you say. “I’ll make an appointment.”

You save your tears for Maria. She approaches you in the clinic. You’d be delighted to see her at any other moment.

“Making an appointment?” she asks.

“Yeah, just a checkup,” you lie.

The woman at the counter clarifies with you. “Just a checkup? Is that what you’d prefer?”

You turn back and forth between her and Maria.

“Um, no,” you say, “keep it as is.”

Maria raises an eyebrow and there is nowhere left to hide. You might be able to outrun her, but she knows where you live and isn’t afraid to confront you at your doorstep.

She saves you some of your dignity when she whispers, “How about a chat at my place? I have some tea that helps with nausea.”

The tea is persuasive but you’d have to go anyway. You don’t speak on the walk to Maria’s. She brews the tea and you sit across from each other in the kitchen before she finally speaks.

“What’s the appointment for?” she asks. “And I’m not here to judge you, I just want the truth.”

You’re not my mom, you could say, but she’s the closest thing you’ve had to one since your own passed.

“An abortion,” you say quietly, looking down at the table, at your hands around the mug.

“Okay,” she says, gently. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

You try to reply but all the comes out is a sob.

Eventually, she pries the truth out of you. You explain what happened when you told Joel the news.

“So, he made the decision, and then told you he’d be there for you if he did what you wanted?”

“I guess. But, I think it might be the right choice. I mean, it'd be hard to raise a child in this world…” You cut yourself off when you look at her bump. She’s gonna be a mom, a good mom. And, stupidly, you’re jealous.

Even though it’s not there yet, you swear you can see a high chair in your periphery. You could be holding a warm bottle instead of a hot mug of tea. Maria could be feeding her child his first bite of baby food next to you.

“Let me ask you something, and I want you to really think about it, and be honest with me.”

You nod and wait for her question.

“If Joel had said he’d support you no matter what, even if you wanted to keep the child, if he said he’d step up as a father, would you have made the appointment?”

“I don’t know.” Oh, but you do. Maria waits for you to come to a conclusion, for you to spit it out.

“I like the idea of having a kid. I love kids, and I sometimes think about what it would be like being a mom, but I know that I can’t be one. Not right now.”

If there is one thing Joel can’t be, it’s a father. Not again. He’s too old, too grouchy, too cynical. He’s not the man he used to be. He was never good at it anyway. He couldn’t save his own kid. He’s already a failed father — once, if not, twice.

You’d be a great mother, and that’s the greatest tragedy. He’s failed you already. He’s not good at the kinder things of life. He shouldn’t have indulged in you, in the love you gave him when he cannot give it back. There are a lot of things Joel can’t quite get right — being a lover, a father, a good man.

Every night since the outbreak began, he’s watched Sarah bleed out in his arms. Sometimes he sees Tess, Sam and Henry, Bill, even Tommy which feels like an augury. Ellie is there almost every night, losing consciousness. Only sometimes is she in that hospital bed, often, she’s lying in the show, with blue lips and almost no pulse. Now, you’ve begun to enter his subconscious. You’re always too far out of reach, screaming his name until he’s shot dead, and the last thing he hears is you shriek as you watch him die in front of you.

Another person is another tragedy once they have the misfortune of coming into his life. There cannot be another person, especially not a child.

You should be back by now, he thinks as he splashes water on his face for the umpteenth time, hoping it’ll wash away all the mistakes he’s made.

He can tell it’s Maria by the way her knuckles rap on his front door. He can tell she’s pissed too.

When he opens the door, he sees you in standing behind her, like you’re afraid of him.

“Unless you want to have this discussion on your doorstep, I suggest you let me — us — inside.”

He does, reluctantly.

“Joel Miller, when do you plan on becoming a man?”

“What?”

“You just told her to make an appointment, didn’t even give her a chance to think about it? You managed to run away from your problems while you’re on house arrest. Impressive.”

“I thought that was what we both wanted,” he says, looking past her, to you.

“I guess, maybe,” you shrug.

The one thing he’s grateful for is Maria’s suggestion that you talk privately.

You sit further from him than usual, you refuse to meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask what you wanted. I thought I was making the right choice.”

“It’s okay. I don’t even know what I want.”

But the tears suggest otherwise.

“Do you want to keep the baby?”

“Maybe, but I can’t. It’s not a good idea.”

“That’s what I think, but Maria’s right, it’s your choice.”

“But I don’t know how to make that choice.”

“You’ve got a good heart. Follow it.”

You spend a lot of time thinking, remembering, and trying to convince yourself that there is no part of you that wants to be a mother. But, in your bedside drawer, there is a handful of photos — all from before the outbreak. You see your mom as a child on a swing set, and as a teen blowing out candles on her birthday. Her mom is in that one too, sitting next to her, smiling. You wish more than anything to have pictures of you and your mom.

You think about the little girl who pretended a ratty old stuffed bear was her baby. You can hear your mom telling you that you’re doing a good job, how you’ll be good at this one day. Your bedtime stories were never about fairy princesses, but about your family, the ones you didn’t get to meet.

“I wish I could have that,” you’d say.

“One day, you might be able to — the world is scary right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be like this forever,” she’d insist.

In retrospect, you wonder if she really believed that, if she really believed that teddy bear would one day be a baby that you’d be the one carrying, and she’d be the proud grandmother.

“I told her I wanted to be a mom like her,” you explain to Joel, and he understands.

You know about Ellie, but not about Sarah. Joel never brings either of them up to you. Until now. It’s a fair trade, he tells himself. Photos for photos, info for info. But it’s more than that.

“Hold on for one minute, I’m gonna go get something, and I’ll be right back.”

It’ll only take him a second to grab the pictures, but he’ll need a moment to compose himself.

“This is Sarah,” he says, pointing to the little girl in the photo. “My daughter.”

You’re silent for a moment, gazing at the photo, at a younger Joel you’ve never met.

You’re the first person not to tell him that you’re sorry for his loss, and he is relieved not to hear the empty sympathies once more.

“What was she like?” you ask.

It’s hard to explain, and for that reason, he talks for at least a half hour about Sarah. All her likes and dislikes, all his favorite moments from the day she was born until the day she died. He tells the story of that too.

When you try to tell him that he sounds like he was a good dad, he has to explain why he wasn’t.

“I couldn’t save her,” he says.

“I couldn’t save her either,” you say, pointing to your mother in one of the photos.

“You were just a child,” he says. “It’s not your fault.”

“And, you were just a man,” you say. “It’s not your fault.”

“A grown man.”

“Doing the best that you could.”

And you’re right. He did try his best. He stops arguing not because he’ll ever concede but because the weight of the present falls upon him all at once as he meets your eyes and remembers why you’re here.

He can’t have Sarah back, he can’t have Ellie back, but you’re right in front of him — and he loves you. It’s too late to turn back and kick you out on your first day, it’s too late to never speak to you, it’s too late to not love you.

It’s not too late to fail you like he’s failed everyone else. It’s not too late to do the opposite either.

You tell him your decision, and wait for his disagreement, for him to dissuade you. But, he doesn’t.

“Okay,” he says.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to try my best.”

You cancel the appointment and make the final decision, but it doesn’t feel real until Joel finishes building the crib in the spare bedroom. The most unexpected part is how excited you feel even when you’re nauseous, even when your feet are bloated, even when your back is killing you.

You’re also terrified, particularly when you hear Maria’s account of her labor and delivery. For someone describing how painful it was, she seems oddly unfazed, happy even. She’s too focused on her baby boy, and you get it — he is pretty cute.

When the day comes, you find that you’ve underestimated the pain entirely. The wounds you’ve gotten in combat are nothing compared to this. Every hour that goes by feels like a full day for you. Every time the doctor checks your dilation it’s still not yet time.

Until it is. And everything becomes a million times more chaotic. You swear the only thing keeping you sane is Joel’s hand in yours. (You have to apologize later for squeezing it so tightly.)

Finally, the telltale cry comes, and it feels like you’ve run a marathon by how exhausted you are and by how proud you are of yourself for doing it. This will go down as the greatest feat of your life and you are more than satisfied with that fact.

The doctor announces that it’s a boy and though he said he’d be fine with either gender, Joel’s smile is wider than you’ve ever seen it. You’re smiling almost as big. It hurts your cheek muscles but you can’t stop, especially when they hand you your baby boy. Though he doesn’t know how to speak, his hand wrapped around your finger tells you that it’s going to be okay.

There is so much pain in this world, but not in this room.

[braxlrose]

head canons where the reader is like trad goth or something like that?? 😁

OFC!! I absolutely adore trad goth women 😍 (totally not my type at all, wink wink nudge nudge. they definitely shouldn't say hi to me in the dms at all. No way jose) but anyways, I didn't know which guy you wanted so I did all of them!

SOFT/SFW HCS FOR TOKIO HOTEL W/ A TRAD GOTH GF

bill

-literally LOVES doing your hair, whether it's slicked back, teased up, gelled up, shaved on the sides, different colors, different textures, HE LOVES IT.

-if you dye your hair hair other colors than just black, he would beg you to let him dye it. he gets all the shit for it too. And even picks up snacks for you while doing it. But it's kind of chaotic bc the mf is impatient af 💀

-if your hair isn't naturally black he will also help you touch up your roots

-THIS MF LITERALLY BEGGED YOU TO TEACH HIM HOW TO DO YOUR MAKEUP

-he watched so many videos on YouTube to figure out how to do your hair and makeup

-SHOPPING SPREES ALL THE TIME

-you guys get so much stuff and you always do runaway/model shoes for eachother

-he loves listening to new music, so when you introduced him to bands like Siouxsie and the Banshees and the Bauhaus he was super excited

-LOVES tagging along to your nail appointments to watch your nails get done

tom

-so bc he has a lot of fangirls, you got harassed a lot too. and these fangirls were commenting on your appearance all time. sending letters to you and tom, death threats, screaming stuff at concerts, harassing and stalking you and tom. It got to a point where tom had to hit one of the girls who tried to come at you with a switch blade. pookie is so protective 😘

-the way you do your makeup is literally magic to him. like he's seen bill do his makeup, but yours is so much more intricate.

-he literally loves it when you leave kisses on him from your black lipstick

-he gets internally pissed off whenever an interviewer talks about your appearance, it's crazy obvious

-hes a little fucker and acts like he's dying whenever you're touching up your roots because of how strong the hair dye is

-he goes to places like sephora w/ you to buy new makeup when you run out of something you need and he's so surprised by everything in there. he had no idea how much makeup one store has

-he thinks you look super fucking hot in your outfits too.

-he got you black lingerie and quote on quote said he thought you would like it because it was "goth", but he definitely just wanted to see you model for him

georg

-as we know, georg has AMAZING hair. so he let's you try differently hairstyles on him all the time

-whenever he walks by a store and sees an outfit you may like, he goes in and buys it immediately as a gift for you

-if you're overly obsessive about music or gothic celebrities, he'll let you lay in his lap and let you talk for hours

-if you have a lot of tattoos on your body, he loves tracing them

-he gets annoyed as shit whenever anybody talks about you and will glare down anybody who stares at you funny

-dont come for me for the stereotypes but if you like movies like Frankenstein, he will 100% watch it with you. he loves you more than anything in the entire world so whatever you like doing he will do it with you

-he loves it when you scratch his head if you have acrylic nails, it feels so nice and he will fall asleep so quickly in your lap

gustav

-like I've said before, I fully believe gustav LOVES LOVES LOOOOVES alternative women. I think I mentioned that in the rockstar post. so bc of this, he thinks you're insanely hot.

-he sits on the bathroom counter and let's you practice your eye makeup on him

-bros eyes actually widened when he saw what you looked like without makeup. NOT IN A BAD WAY OR ANYTHING THOUGH. he thought you were totally hot with makeup and w/o it you were even hotter.

-if you have your eyebrows shaved off, he literally won't stop touching the place where your eyebrows used to be. apparently it's "super soft" 💀

-if you were platforms that make you taller then him...OH MY GODDD he'll probably cum in his pants.

-I'm 99% sure sub gustav has a mommy kink or atleast a fem dom kink sooo

-he gets so mad whenever anybody sexualizes you. yk that video of Rent A Poarch or wtv it's called where th is singing Schrei and then Gustav goes and punches that guy. well if it gets to a point where someone has made you uncomfortable as fuck, that's what he'll do

taglist: @hearts4kaulitz @burntb4bydoll @spelaelamela @bored0writer @fishinaband @billsleftnutt @dead-tapes @tokiiohot @bluepoptartwithsprinkles

[vaaaaaiolet]

Have u ever hit a hard core slump and if u have how did u get out of it ? 😭

hardcore slump, you say.

BOY HAVE I

tl;dr:

EAT WORDS

jot down stuff over time in a dump sheet with not a SINGLE intention of turning them into full-fledged writing

eject any self-imposed deadlines from your brain

and boom shakalaka YES GAWD you'll be writing again in no time.

what gets me into writing slumps is when i'm either:

1) not interested in the thing i'm writing about

2) frustrated with my writing quality.

if you go to my masterlist, the longest i've gone w/o posting anything is ~3 months but i've DEFINITELY had longer periods where i didn't write anything at all. they just happened before i started writing fic.

imo, a lot of that "stuck" feeling we associate with writer's block comes from not exposing ourselves to a variety of writing styles and getting stuck in the predictable flow of our own. this is where my EAT WORDS philosophy comes in.

i want you to get your hands on whatever writing (books, poems, shows, blogs, articles, nutrition labels LMAO) sparks ANY interest. act like you found an all-you-can-eat grazing table after 3 straight ramadans of fasting. DON'T STICK TO STUFF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH!! i was a voracious reader as a kid and that translated into a love for writing bc i learned about so many interesting words and ways to arrange them that i wanted to try doing it myself. get creative!! writing is a creative art!! YOU are a creative person. think of this as adding fuel to a depleted creativity tank.

then i want you to keep a running scrapbook doc of interesting words or phrases that you add onto whenever something strikes your fancy.

i'm talking less MLA citations and more like random musings that pop into your brain while watching sunlight stream through your kitchen windows, lighting up a bowl of mandarins into a thousand splendid suns (FANTASTIC book btw). collect quotes!! include screenshots!! notion is excellent for this but you can totally carry around an old-school notebook like a bona fide author too. don't let grammar rules get in the way!! stop judging yourself!! there's no such thing as a stupid addition to your blurb sheet. i'll even give you an example of how stupid you can be by showing you mine and you might recognize a few lines from my fics LMAO

this does 2 things: you get practice playing with phrasing without the metric ton of pressure that comes with "actually" writing, and you get a personalized bank of handmade writing prompts for the future that imo work better than the super blah generic ones on writing blogs from 2015.

and finally!! FORGET THAT YOU NEED TO WRITE

the more pressure you put on yourself to write the next classic novel, the less likely you are to get it done by any foreseeable deadline. if you give in to the writing slump demon whispering in your ear that YOUNEEDTOWRITENOWNOWNOW, you're not going to get anything done, trust me. reverse-psychology your writer's block by reading and feeding your creativity. being a writer also means being a reader. you can't be one without the other. take a backseat, let yourself love reading again. think of it as researching what it's like for the person on the other end of your future work; how are you going to write well if you don't even know what you like to read? let your creativity take a breather!!

if you're any kind of writer (which you are), the itch to write ALWAYS, inevitably comes back. before you know it, you're going to be scribbling on notebook margins and scrambling awake at 1 am to write down half-sentences. a slump is not the be all end all!! it's just your writing skills telling your brain that they needs time to catch up with your excellent creative vision :)

GO FORTH AND WIELD YOUR MIGHTY PEN, ANON!! i wish you the very best of luck in all your writing endeavors, and i hope this yapfest was somewhat helpful LMAOOO <3

[cerubean]

ok if you've tuned into my last couple nsb streams you'll know that i've been YEARNING for a mod that lets you have more scientists at the lab and well...

my prayers have been answered and it still works w/ this most recent patch!!!!

thank you so very much to LTCS on patreon, you don't know that i exist but i am so grateful to youuu <333

also i'm using this post to yap about my nsb sim + to recap since i've played quite a bit off stream!

two words...

alien

baby!!!!

i had to cheat to get this to work lmao i had her abducted like 5 times w/ the pregancy chance at 50% and it still wouldn't work!!

ALSO! frank, her bestie + neighbor (who we're very sus of atm; you can find out why on this stream at like 1:22:00) showed up a 2ND TIME to the science lab and was poking around the computers!

ok then fast forward a day or so she has a baby shower for this totally human baby (begrudingly bc her and omar don't want kids rn) THENNN right after she told frank she was pregnat they autonomously had a falling out!!!! so they're not friends anymore! O_O

also if you don't know laila (the sim that frank has a "romantic" relationship with; i put romantic in quotes bc frank is aromantic soo i'm just pretending it's strictly a physical relationship) is an alien!!!

i think frank is working as a spy against (or for??) aliens or something??? or he's trying to stop her from contacting aliens since he sabotaged the satellite dish (and tried too kill her!) and since she's impregnated by one he wants nothing to do with her? (in my mind she told him that she got abducted and then she started to feel weird idk)

other than that omar and tierra's marriage is basically over atp lmao i'm trying so hard to fix their romantic satisfaction i even took them to counseling and that saved it for like a day but nope. she's also always having angry mood swings it's a MESS guys idk what to do!

i think that's all! i'll try to take more screenshots when i play again since i won't be able to stream for a while now that i'm back in my corpo era ;-;

ty if your read all this <33

[pegasusdrawnchariots]

1, 2, 3, 19, 20, 21 and 30 please my beloved! 💌

u always rise to & above the occasion 💙💖💜 MWAH

~

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Codes & puzzles & puzzle games. I'm counting them as one thing. I've never met a puzzle I didn't like!

Fiction! Reading generally but fiction specifically. My earliest memories involve me reading storybooks. Fiction has always been there for me as a source of joy, to sate my curiosity, to spark my wonder, or to simply escape into. & even when it's not physically available, all it takes is a little imagination to conjure it! Truly the best example of ephemeralisation — that is, the ability to do more & more with less & less until u can do everything with nothing

Delight! An almost virile lust for life! One of my friends once said of me that I have the most joie de vivre of anyone she knows <3 I've gone, as has everyone, through some truly depressing shit of a morning & caught myself smiling at clouds by the afternoon. & this quotation from Much Ado About Nothing:

There's little of the melancholy element in her, my lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, and not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say, she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked herself with laughing. (II.1)

~

2. show us a picture of your handwriting

Have one of my favourite moments from Cyrano de Bergerac, cut down somewhat to fit on one page — the scene w the orange girl! 🍊🧡 (click to remove blur)

~

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of

Indiana Jones!*!*!*! Frankly the whole series but if I HAVE to choose just one, I guess I'd go with Raiders of the Lost Ark bc Marion <3 I am down at all times to watch this film. I can quote far too much of it. I can pick it out from another room by 2 notes of anywhere in the soundtrack. I'm flirting w my future partner while they're injured by yelling "Well, god damn it, where doesn't it hurt?!" & when I inevitably shrug off this mortal coil, I want "everyone's sorry for something" carved into my headstone. When people ask me what my favourite film is, all 2:30 minutes of The Raiders March plays through my head at Mach 1 before I re-enter the physical world & answer with something vaguely intellectual & probably false bc I am, at my core, fuelled by the 2 irrefutable truths that period adventure films kick ass & that Harrison Ford is hot. That's it. That's the analysis.

Porco Rosso! The only film that's ever understood my thing w the sky & flying & the colour blue 💙🩵🤍 & weird-looking middle-aged men who think they're unworthy of love & refuse to cut themselves a break & spend the whole story engaging w the world via an interface

Knives Out~! Some of the tightest funnest filmmaking I've ever seen ❤️ Plus it's a detective story! With a working-class female protagonist! & Daniel Craig doing an accent! Win after win

~

19. favourite thing about the day

Not to be basic but like...the electromagnetic spectrum my beloved 😭💘 Seeing! Getting to see things! The way flowers look in the sunlight. Clouds reflected in a puddle so still it looks like u could fall right through it. Feeling the warmth of the Sun on my back & pulling my top tighter to me to feel it all the more. Rainbows. Golden hour. &, of course, the many faces of the sky :)

~

20. favourite things about the night

It's quiet & relaxing ^_^ No-one expects me to do stuff, so ironically that's when I do the most stuff I like. On rarer occasions, getting to use my telescope to catch celestial events! 🌕🔭 & also the fact that that's when ur online, ma mie!! 💜

~

21. are you a spiritual person?

Not especially! I'm far too scientific & in love w evidence & fact to be rlly spiritual. I do like hearing stories of supernatural phenomena, regardless of whether or not I believe. I find astrology fun too, more so as a tool for archetypal analysis than as a personality test or a form of divination. & I often make mention to feeling possessed or past lives or similar bc damn it sometimes that's just precisely how it feels, even if it's not the fact of the thing! But I usually just tell people I have the head of an artist & the heart of a scientist & leave it at that. I'm much more interested in observable phenomena! I save my "what if"s for spec fic ^_^

~

Thank u, Nina!*!*!*!*! Sorry this got so long, & if u managed to read to the end, congratulations!! Sharing my macaron with u~ {||}

[loserchildhotpants]

Hello! I saw someone else asking you for writing advice and I was wondering if you had any tips for people who are just starting out with writing fanfic? I'm a long time fic reader and I've always wanted to try writing some but getting past the anxiety of posting writing online can be tricky. Do you have any advice for planning, getting into the right mindset, staying motivated, etc.? Anything you wish you'd known when you started out?

hello! i'd love to help you out if i can!

about posting anxiety:

so, sharing art of any kind is an inherent act of vulnerability. we make art, and it comes from our spirit and our private inner worlds, informed by all that makes us lovely and deeply flawed. and that, understandably, is scary to share. fic is art, and that means you're sharing pieces of yourself when you share fic. it's just a part of the process of making any kind of art.

not everyone will love it. as i like to say, i'm not everyone's bucket of bog water. but what's really cool is that while not everyone will dig it, there will be a few people who fucking LOVE it. this is true abt all art.

to be entirely honest, though, i don't write thinking abt my audience unless i'm writing a fic for a particular person, as a gift. i don't think abt the audience at all. my art is self-indulgent, my fic is abt what *i* want and if other people like it, that's awesome! but i wrote it bc i have brain worms that need to be excised somehow.

that doesn't mean i've never had anxiety abt posting something before, though. hell, i've taken fics fully down and deleted them from existence for garnering horrendous attentions. what is helpful to me sometimes is just thinking of it as part of an annual word count goal. my ao3 is my portfolio -- no joke, my ao3 recently got me into an MFA program for prose writing. it's a portfolio like any other, and sometimes posting on it can be just that. kinda clinical, but it removes the anxiety; 'i'm not posting this on ao3 for an audience, exactly, i'm adding it to my gallery of accomplishments for this year' and then if/when people come along who like it, it feels v validating, but you haven't hung your entire sense of self worth on it.

planning:

i have written an outline for a fic exactly 4 times in 20 years of fic writing, and i'm ashamed to tell you, i only started doing that last year sdkhjf

i call 'planning' a 'dreaming phase.' this is when i spend a lot of time pondering a story, what i want it to feel like, the potential scenes slowly coming to fruition in my head that i want to get to somehow, and i let the dreaming phase carry on for however long it will, until i'm bursting at the seams to share it w anyone that will listen lol

that said, for outlines, i do these three things; collect quotes from poets, authors, and lyricists that resonate w the story i'm telling (i sometimes include these at the tops of chapters, but sometimes i just keep them on hand to look back on while i write), collect songs that resonate w the story i'm telling (i do the same thing as w the quotes), and then a bullet point form outline.

sometimes it will look like this;

Character A drops in unexpectedly

Character B is hashtag struggling (gay abt Character A)

Character C is there and says something that instigates a fight [something abt x, y, or z, maybe?]

and my entire outline will carry on like that. sometimes i write out dialogue exchanges i'd like to have happen and none of the staging, and when it comes time to incorporate that dialogue, the entire scene comes together where the dialogue was just bare bones in the outline.

an outline can be as extensive or limited as you like, but as a forgetful person (anxiety has destroyed my memory <3), i find outlines p helpful these days. remembering what i want to say through a piece, what i want the recurring theme to be, that Special Line that popped into my head at first conception -- writing it down is helpful! but that's abt all i have for planning skdjhf

getting in the right mind set:

this definitely depends on the mood and tone of what you're writing. unless you're asking abt getting in the right mind set to write, full stop.

if that's the case, i usually put on my headphones, listen to some music that is relevant to what i'm writing, then when i've got myself in The Mood there, i start typing away.

writing is hard to do. it's a skill like any other, which means it takes time and practice to hone. sometimes practicing isn't particularly fun -- sometimes it's abt learning how to capture voices, or doing meta work, or trying to write something you generally avoid bc it doesn't jive w you, but you gotta stretch your brain in a new and interesting way it hasn't been stretched before.

challenge yourself, and even if you feel like you're sort of doing homework (bc you kind of are lol it's unpaid work, it can sometimes feel like school work or something), make sure you assign yourself at least an *interesting* project to do if nothing else.

it also definitely helps to have fandom friends that are able and willing to hype you up while you work, folks that are excited to see what you make -- and to start you off, you should let me know when you've posted your first fic! i'll be excited to see! :3333

staying motivated:

this one is hard. the truth is, you don't have to. it's fic. sometimes motivation just falls off, or inspiration, or TIME. it's rare you get to have all 3 at the same time.

personally, i like to keep a scene i'm super fucking excited abt towards the end of a fic so that it keeps a carrot dangling in front of me. like, a scene i'm so so so excited to write, but WON'T allow myself to write in advance, so i just have to get through more plot before i get to the thing i want to write soooo bad.

on my loserchildhotpants ao3 account, there is my 300k word kylux series, and i'm not kidding, i wrote the entire series for the epilogue. but see, the epilogue was the first scene i actually thought up, it was the first thing i Dreamt of in my dreaming phase, and i became obsessed w sharing it, but for it to land the way it was landing in my head, it would need SOOOO much build up -- so i wrote roughly 290k words to build tension and conflict and emotional upheaval that by the time the epilogue happened, the audience felt it just as hard as i wanted them to.

i did it all for the epilogue lol sometimes stuff like that helps keep us motivated to finish projects! keep a special little treat for yourself in there, and stay excited to share it

things i wish i'd known:

woof. idk! there's a lot, i think.

some people will be super weird to you; they'll think bc you're sharing art online that you're somehow emotionally available to them, or they can treat you really casually or something. people can have a really poor sense of boundaries when you're a pseudonym and icon. there's no real resolution for this other than, as always, block and mute liberally.

if you wanna write dark themes, i beg you that you do, that you challenge even your OWN squicks and lesser liked tropes and subjects, it makes for stronger writing skills, it broadens your inner horizon, it does so much GOOD, but it will also bring pearl clutching puritans to your door, telling you they're going to call the Thought Police on you. some of these folks are super fucking nuts. do not engage. if ever you receive harassment, put it on blast -- let folks know it's happening, alert ao3 staff, and if it gets to be too much, walk away. no fic is worth your mental health, so if you are ever receiving harassment over a fictional depiction of something morally fucked up, please don't try to hide it or bear it by yourself. ask for help where you can, oust those that are stupid enough to use their real accounts and handles, and make sure you're putting your mental health first and foremost.

you can put a TON of work into something and it will probably go mostly unnoticed lol then you may slap something together at 2am and post it half-asleep, then wake up to 500000 new followers and people throwing flowers at you. so if something is a lot of hard work to write, make sure you're writing it for you and your own enjoyment, so you won't care too much if it goes unnoticed, and don't be too hard on yourself for less polished works -- folks eat it up and love it that way.

when you're not writing, be reading. anything, anywhere, doesn't matter for what. i tend to pick up non-fiction books on psychology, thanatology, quantum ontology, and maybe some romantic manga series when i'm not writing.

when looking at writing you like and want to emulate, figure out what it is you're liking abt it. get v specific w yourself. 'i like how it reads' -- HOW does it read, and how is the author accomplishing that for you? try to mimic those things in your own writing, let other artists enrich you, but don't go stealing their concepts. allow other writers' voices to sing alongside yours, be part of the choir, you and your writing will be better for it. (and also, let those authors know when you've zeroed in on something you love abt their writing, especially if you can place precisely what it is; if it's their use of dialogue, body language/action tags, if it's their diction, or syntax, if it's in their environmental descriptors or character interiors -- let them know! spread the love!)

that's all i've got off the top of my head rn

i hope it was helpful! <3

[yesimwriting]

I don't know if you have any thoughts on this one but if so, can I ask for the "directors cut" on the blurb where reader and the boys were fights and they went to her window to basically suck up am she was on phone, I think it was called "Billy and Stu scare away guys" or directors cut on chapter 5 of the final girl fic or both of you'd like to. I love hearing what you have to say about them and it adds so much insight on how you characterize them, thanks :)

omg hi

"Billy and Stu scare away guys" blurb:

okay so i have a lot of thoughts on that blurb bc there were some details i wanted to work in but couldn't bc they didn't fit

so my main one is the gummy thing at the end, where Stu gives reader a bag of gummies, but the gummies are just the ones that are her favorite flavor and he plays it off by saying that he hates that flavor

in my head, he definitely does not hate that flavor of gummy ( i don't think i've ever met anyone that hates red gummies lol) and that's just another way of him being secretly nice to reader

ik stu's pretty openly affectionate and loves getting credit for being nice, but i feel like when it comes to smaller things that show just how much attention he pays to the reader, he plays it off as much as he can

i talk about this in the actual fic but another detail i feel like keeps coming up is that i headcanon stu as being kind of a textbook early psychopath child and not shying away from taking apart small animals just bc/morbid curiosity,

i don't see billy (even as a kid) going out of his way to do those kinds of things, partially bc i feel like he would've been more hyper aware of the adults/general perception of what's perceived as "normal" as a way to cover himself and stu, but i def don't think he was bothered by it

anyways all of that is background to explain that one of my favorite details is billy being aware that y/n would rather watch a person die in a movie than see an animal get hurt and then knowing to edit the story

okay! now onto the biggest part of the story!! billy dropping the background information on his mom, ik that seemed extremely manipulative, and it definitely was on billy's part, but it was also kind of an accidental admission

you know that quote "the best lies have some truth in them",, well it was kind of like that, while billy just doesn't want y/n to talk to guys at all out of general possessiveness/jealousy, that insecurity about losing her the way he lost his mom is real

that's why i also mention stu being surprised, bc billy rarely alludes/mentions the truth of what happened to his mom, and the situation still felt relatively under control so stu was like ?? now? lol and then after thinking about it stu starts worrying a little bc maybe billy is that upset, it's another one of those moments where they just read each other and manage to work through things they can't say in front of other people

Chapter 5 of final girl:

okay so at the beginning, when stu's still asleep and billy's explaining away how touchy and pushy stu was in chapter 4, it's a key example of the way billy likes to 'get ahead' of things

we all know he's a planner, and so even though y/n's complaint was small, billy's already covering all the bases, emphasizing that stu would 'never hurt her' and framing stu's attention as a good thing while also painting him as sympathetic bc of his parents

also i feel like i've implied this but part of the reason they're always pushing that he'd 'never hurt her' narrative is bc it's meant to assure stu as much as it assures y/n, only stu knows that by 'hurt' he means accidentally kill her or something,, and y/n thinks it's more emotional/in a play fighting way lol

i think this is the first chapter that touches on how much y/n relies on them for a social life, like it was so easy for them to exclude her from that part even though all of her other friends where there

omg and y/n briefly thinking billy was ghost face, i feel like if she had had that train of thought while more sober, billy and stu would have had a much harder time getting through that one

i considered adding a scene where billy calls stu and tells stu that he needs to pull out the voice modulator and call y/n's house QUICK bc i thought it'd be fun to write and i still kind of want to write a scene like that at some point, but i felt like it broke up the suspenseful energy i was going for so i decided not to

[princessfaerygia]

A new day has dawned! I forgot my vape as I walk to the gym. The Miami mint was a disappointment bc it wasn't the pulse x brand. I do have an old strawberry vape w me tho but it's not too good anymore. I know vaping is bad and I may die sooner, but it gives me something sweet to focus on. My boyfriend says I go through vapes too fast. No more shopping this month, except for food. There are my mutuals, artists I love on Tumblr. I wish I had my own sacred space so I could order prints of their pictures and place them on my walls. But I do not have my own sacred space. I would only want two or three paintings/drawings throughout my sacred space apartment if I one day have one. (I'm sure I won't but a woman can dream) I always adore the beautiful coquette cozy beds with teddy bears and heart shaped pillows. But I don't like beds. I like sleeping on floor or mattress. Minimalism nearly all the way for me. I miss my home. Mom gave me a pink cross for me and bfs apartment, but it's so cluttered here and it's bible quote. I know he will think it's lame. But I believe in it with my whole heart. So I set it in my room in basement, which is essentially my parents storage room got boxes and boxes of storage. But I do have my mattress and a closet there. And things I found, knickknacks that say *this way to hiking trail* Love hiking so much. Bf says when he gets a car again we will go on lotsa hikes. But truly I love the both us living without a car. Its better for environment and feels safer. Squirrel hopping along as I walk the sidewalks. Scurrying away from me as I meet it's distance. I'm wearing my new pink neck scarf today, Halloween leggings, dark grey tank top and black cardigan. I love black cardigans but I only have one. Love black turtlenecks too and I has 2 of those! 🐈‍⬛ Haven't popped out my turtlenecks yet. The pink scarf is more faded lavenderish mauve. That's fine wit me especially cus I reblogged my blog smells like lavender 🪻! Cops parked nearby me chatting away. Wonder what they're up to. Sun glowing orange pink and yellow bright in the sky. It's so tropical to me. There's even shades of pinkish shadows under the bridge I walking now. 🩷🕯️Moms bringing me the two cardigans I ordered. Thought I ordered a heather mint green one but it appears grey. And of course a chestnut brown one. Grey is good with me too. Got my orange dreamsicle drink. I now has cute sticker on me laptop!!!! I keep my laptop mostly at parents. My bf put a v for vendetta sticker and I peeled it off and replaced it with cute aminal sticker. Thank goodness. V for vendetta is good movie but scary! I've had enough scary thangs in life lol. I only want tenderness, refreshing sleep and invigorating movement, peace and good health, and ofc love. My boyfriend is feeling better! He is taking antibiotics. I hope he continues to get better and better. Thank y'all for your loving kindness and support. Happy Saturday!

[silverlininghills]

7 + 1 twenty one pilots ask

i was tagged by @dasloddl!! ty!!

1. when/how did you discover them? + what was the first song you listened to? - either on the radio or on yt or at work or something like that, sometime in 2015. idk which song exactly but lets be honest, it was prolly stressed out 😅 or one of the other blurryface singles

2. have you been to any concert(s)? - no 😭 i totally would've seen them on the icy tour but they didn't come to my city 😭 but i'm hoping to go to at least one show on the next tour (either vancouver or, failing that, seattle), and hopefully also the DC show with my bestie!!

3. do you remember where you were when trench dropped (if you were a fan by then)? - weirdly, yes! it was like 9pm on october 4th, i was at home and got a spotify notification that twenty one pilots had released a new album. i listened to the first three songs, went "ehh", and stopped there 😅 which, in hindsight, is so tragic bc if i'd held out for just one more song i would've gotten to my blood, which is one of my absolute favourites!

4. favourite thing about the clique? - how smart and kind and inclusive everyone is!! like i know the clique's got it's share of toxic fans, just like any other fandom/community in general, but esp here on tumblr absolutely everyone i've met/interacted with has been sososo friendly and funny and smart and cool <3

5. any memorable/funny/interesting quote (from interviews/bts footage/…) you especially like? - i'm so bad at thinking up stuff like this off the cuff sldjskdljf there's always smth i think of later that i wish i'd said instead. for right now i'm gonna go with "two happy boys" (or any of the "two ____ boys" riffs that they do), as well as every single story abt how they met 😂

6. what would you want to ask/tell them if you got the chance? - FREAKING. SO MUCH. i'd want to thank them for rewarding us for looking deeper and caring more and sticking around. i'd want to tell them how what they've done w the dema/trench storyline is legitimately incredible and groundbreaking and to, in their own words, "never put a ceiling on their dreams". i'd also want to talk to them for roughly 6 hours abt death cab for cutie bc i Need To Know their thoughts abt literally everything sdlfkjsdkfl

7. which tattoo would you like to know the meaning of (if you do)? - i'm honestly fine w not knowing the meaning to any of their tattoos, bc i know they're v personal, but if i could know the meaning of one and have it be totally okay and willingly shared, it would be, for tyler, the symbols tattoo on the side of his forearm, and for josh, the astronaut-getting-beamed-up tattoo on his bicep.

+1. dasloddl's question for me: which album cover do you like best? - excellent question!! even tho i do love SAI's aesthetic, i think i'd have to go with blurryface on this one. there's just so much meaning behind it!! the pull-out blurry face is genius, the patterns are so fun, it's simple yet evocative. just, stellar art design.

additional question you want to ask the people you tagged: what do you think the genre/vibe of the next album is going to be?

aaaaand i am tagging @mx-misty-eyed @melxncholyman @timedyne @gonerbird and @re4lize-th4t-its-g0ne!!

[llycaons]

okay I've had breakfast. mtefil 37 - 41 midpoint

OH I THINK I KNOW WHO THIS IS

honestly I don't even think lust should be a woman. this is a general thought, not a specific critique of this story, which I think does it well. obviously women are capable of sexual violence, but it's not they're usually the primary beneficiaries or the people who maintain the systems of power that its involved in. also lust isn't even a bad thing, it's about power abuses. it's complicated given other factors ie race, class, etc. but like if you want to embody sexual predation for whatever reason I just think it makes more sense to be a man. but ig we already had mannon with his white-heteropatriarchy-as-greed thing. but really. every single depiction of lust that goes for hot woman with big boobs is missing a chance. out of universe, it's centering the het men who are responding to the lust depiction and not everyone else who's at risk of being victimized by the het men themselves.

also I saw a defense of fma lust by saying 'she's not lustful herself, she's BLOODLUST' as if that's not just semantics or 'she INSPIRES lust' as if that's an argument that makes sense for literally any other homunculi. does wrath inspire wrath? not really, unless he's doing something to piss you off. does sloth inspire sloth? no, unless seeing him sleepy makes you sleepy. does pride invoke pride? only if you're his mom. it's a stupid argument defending a choice made for a shonen adventure story based on a DEEPLY flawed and misogynistic mythos. which THIS story is deconstructing (well....maybe?) and examining with a lot more insight and thoughtfulness than fma ever did, ha. BUT big boob lady is a better chance for a character design. and in this story it'sthe actual sins tempting people, not just a homunculous being cheeky

she IS a high schooler. good for her!

SCHOOL ARC!!!

hm 🤔

escort means something in english that it might not in japanese....also how does priest know how to speak japanese? I thought this manga started somewhere in europe. oh well it's not important. also I just checked and the opening scene w the priest (in northern italy, bc that's near rome, duh) is him quoting bible verses at some kids who are bullying him and using the scripture to explain why he wasn't fighting back. aw buddy

WEEPING

OH NOOOO. and just when I was thinking aw it's so nice that priest has a non-exorcist friend his age who's a human 😭

sometimes it feels like the series doesn't leverage the horror of the youth of its characters against the backdrop of violence enough. also I've only ever seen this done by hisoka :(

why is he like thi- oh you know what I know already

oh help I thought this was verge doing a picture of dante and I was like oh I believe this of him but dante's not even here rn so who's he doing this for

im already sick of this bitch. he's officially passed my tolerance level for using the word 'cute'

he just wants to wait until dante is there right. using the public is an odd excuse tho - why would witches care about that?

I didn't screenshot this back then but like...this isn't always technically true I think :( in terms of a body's purely physical responses to stimuli, as far as I know it's a really well-documented phenomenon. this IS a technicality tho and I get why the author included it

oh my god she thought she'd have to be the girl in between two yaoiboys. no imuri, the yaoi is happening elsewhere it seems

just by body language you can tell how uncomfortable he is....he's so little and they're all just looming over him

ah, the odious locker room talk....little do they know....and it's not like priest would ever join in on this even if he didn't have trauma AND guilt around this topic. after seeing so many anime treat women/girls and their (and others'!) sexual harassment like a joke (...yyh) this is such a breath of fresh air. even if it is painful obvi

LIARRRR

well if that's how it works....then yeah. the incarnations as temptation etc. that makes sense. I looked up gravure models and they're more mature/sexual than high school idols tend to be

oh...? makes it even easier to see why he ripped out his own eye. aw man :( also this is the same trauma that firo from baccano has shoutout to firo from baccano. being mistaken for a woman made him kind of misogynistic tho...back to the trauma. 80 years later and he still hasn't slept w his wife who loves him which is a bit sad honestly....alas. he's immortal so he has time. this is all light-novel stuff btw, nothing made it to the anime

OHHHHHH IMURI....

genuinely one of the best-case scenarios for him. leave the church and reorganize his relationship to himself and the world and sex. demonic seduction as a salvation and liberation rather than corruption and loss...wow...

imuri IS pretty suspicious isn't she. everyone's picked up on it except for priest. priest sees her as a victim, but only a threat has been issued....and then nothing. satan should probably attack her again to keep the defenses up and priest around

they're so cute they're like a lesbian pirate and robo-nun

:(

oh? church reforms to prevent abuse? now that IS bold

the priest is right under the pop himself, huh. and yeah, everyone IS cute hehe. I like how he included dante's scar

and not just for you guys

ngl I'm surprised that the catholic church disapproved

[masschase]

15 and 16 for Casey for the Saints Row Boss ask meme thing 💙

Ooh thank you I'm excited to get these again!

Boss ask meme

15. Are there any small things about them in the canon that you've really run with in your headcanon?

This is a question I recall really wanting someone to ask me when I made this meme and it's taken so long I've forgotten half of what I wanted to say 🤣

I'm going to go with what I still remember though I'm sure there's way more. Everyone knows I'm canon's bitch by this point. When I started my fanfic I wasn't thinking Matt x OC, I was thinking Matt and The Boss.

So I spent hours on wiki reading about The Boss, combined with what I remembered from actually playing, working in elements of a fitting backstory where I could, and that somehow made Casey. I kind of didn't realise she was an OC until tumblr 😅

Anyway, here are some of the results of that memory/research:

Likes Jane Austen, and the Brontës(male Boss mentions reading Jane Eyre a load of times). That somehow became her quoting it when she's drunk and with a lot of research bc that's really not my thing, drawing parallels between Emma and Mr. Knightley and Casey and Matt(but there's the odd Mr. Darcy joke too). God the fact I bought the Jane Austen collection and the Prose Edda (where the story of Ragnarok is from) to ship these two is not normal of me.

Doesn't like talking about life before the Saints/daddy issues.

I've used the whole 'Playa was originally called Mikey/Mickey" thing by making her middle name Michaiła and therefore Mikki bring one of her pseudonyms.

Somewhat interested in Nyte Blayde after Matt's mission(she's actually the one who appears on his couch at the time she knows he watches one time).

The idea that she rambles when she's emotional, particularly in the romantic sense, and that all of her partners will at some point have to shut her up with a kiss because of it, comes directly from the GatBoss romance scene. In fact the idea that she's not always the best at initiating physical contact even though she really wants/needs it kind of grew from that, too.

The whole going to a massage parlor way too young thing; there's a whole scene with a time-travelling Matt and Johnny seeing her come out of there.

Being bad with tech bc there are a few mentions in different games about that.

Liking robots when she was 6 is something that comes up a few times. I also ran with the fact that she and Matt are the only ones who call it "the robot".

Her voice mentions a therapist at times. I used that for at least one of the reasons she mellows out over time, especially between 2&3.

Surreal jokes such as "Asha, that light had a family."

I saw on the wiki that Boss is supposedly 6'2"; I made her 5'9" with 5 inch heels.

The fact the Boss uses the heavy pistol a lot in cutscenes is why her gold .45 Fletcher became her signature weapon.

As I say, there's probably way more! I don't want to make this so long that no-one reads it!

16. Is there anything from the games you've drastically avoided or downplayed in your headcanon?

This one I did actually answer before, but to summarise:

She's cis and even with the whole "she looked like a boy" claims, I've never made her in SR1's character creator (I do love some of the in game outfits for her though), plus I pretty much hc her always having her SR3/4 voice, just a little higher/more timid in 1.

She never went to college (referencing voice lines) because she dropped out of HS, though she did do some online study when she had time.

At the time I also said I didn't fill out her sr1-3 life much, but I have started to do that bit by bit. One I didn't mention for some reason:

SR3/4 Boss seems kind of stupid at times. Casey's pretty sharp tbh. She spends years hating that people underestimate her intelligence, but eventually kind of comes to terms with the fact that she's smart and that makes her kind of downplay it instead.

Recently, there's been more I've wanted to downplay for example:

I don't really like that I wrote in the Cyrus Temple thing. I like to think that's way downplayed, if she did have surgery for that it was minor, although that remains the time she decoded to stop getting plastic surgery for every scar and injury.

While GOOH kind of had to happen for a lot of my hc, I don't think it was quite like that(I can tell you for a fact Dex was not there for a start!). OK that's moving more from Casey to general universe but still 😅

I feel like there's more for both answers, but I guess I can always reblog with them later 😊

[piastrinorris]

thank you for the tag @iero! 💜

Name: rj! if we're friends who talk, you can call me ridge, too, but i'd prefer it if people who don't know me on a more personal level to just stick w rj, pls <3

Age: [schmidt from new girl voice] twenny-NOINE!

Pronouns: they/them

Tell me about one of your hobbies: uhhh most of my hobbies are stuff i show off on here so there's not much to say that you lot probably don't already know lmao. isn't it wild that i've only been making gifs for 6 months though?! 

What languages do you speak?: english, welsh, german, some french, some spanish, some russian, some british sign language

One of your comfort movies: oh christ, one?! let's say scott pilgrim vs the world, i love it bc i can quote it religiously, it's a v safe movie for me. that being said, i reserve judgement on ANYONE else who says it's their fave movie until they can tell me why, especially a man. if they say it's bc they're just like scott? MAJOR red flag my dude 

Do you have any kids? Do you want any?: nope squared. my best friend has a kid and that's all i need

Cold weather or hot weather: i always say hot when it's currently cold and cold when it's currently hot, lol. i like hot weather in places like america where i can go inside and know i'll cool down, but i like bundling up in cold weather, too 

You’re at an amusement park. What ride are you going on first?: i've always been the person who crowdsources what everyone else wants to do and then i'm the one who plans where we go based on convenience lol. basically i'm good with the first ride we see 

What’s your go-to hairstyle/How do you wear your hair most days?: i usually like to get it chopped at chin length so it doesn't need to be put up, but i haven't had a chance to get it done, so i put it up in a poor excuse of a bun to get the weight of it off of my head 

Who was your top artist in your Spotify Wrapped/Apple Music Reply in 2022?: it was a band called lovejoy, who i found bc one of the guys in it is a streamer i've been watching for years and i really love thier music :) 

You’ve just been handed $1,000 but you have to spend it on clothes. Where are you shopping?: oh god, just wherever does clothes that fit me LMAO 

Wireless or corded headphones: how the fuck did i survive without my wireless soupbowls lmao

Finally, tell me something that sparks joy: one of my residents wrote me a poem today :)

no presh: @keerysquinn @barbienheimer @reysorigins @finalgalnancy @sarahsmiller

[vvienne]

2024 retrospective:

posted 3 fics for a total of about 13k this year; all were bnha on roughly the same subject... did not have as much time for fandom frolic and fun, added to the fact that i've been reading much more ofic than fic lately...

the long way around is the longest fic i've finished and posted and yet i can't shake the idea that it's also among the worst i've written... there truly isn't a plot in sight. i enjoyed writing it, but i'd like to do something very different the next thing i try to finish. tlwa is a character study / post-manga retrospective - what i wanted was to do analysis on the manga and on my favorite bnha character, not to write a compelling story or particularly stretch myself

there was something very particular i wanted to get across. after losing my mind to the end of bnha i found myself intensely frustrated by the slew of fics i found w tdrk choosing to quit heroism. this makes sense to me as a valid reading of the character but i personally fucking hate it, i think there is something so disappointing about it. this might be my generally immature outlook; i also hated the fact that deku ended up losing his quirk and his chance at heroism though i've since come around on the decision as thematically sound and moving

i also wanted to rehash what ended up being the major highlight of bnha summer; the big dabi shouto blow out. i LOVE that endeavor ended up so sidelined in shouto's development, i think that his urge to save his brother is probably the biggest form of character growth / self love you could've given the character. and i am ofc always a sucker for complex and contentious sibling rships

the fic is very much a response to these chapters; quotes from their fight intersperse the fic in a way that i spent a good amount of time arranging... i wrote specific scenes just to align with certain quotes. ready yet, shouto? seemed like such a stylish beginning to me... a rehash of all tdrk shouto's latest hits. i'm a clumsy writer but i'm sort of pleased w that

in terms of specific writing choices i made i now question the decision to avoid plot entirely; twla revolves solely around shouto and his interactions w other characters: aizawa, natsuo, uraraka, hawks, deku, and ofc touya himself. i think this plotless structure made the fic relatively easy to write - the bulk of the drama is entirely internal. the bnha plot is over. my fic concerns itself w the emotional aftermath. but i also this this decision of mine is sort of lazy; i imagine a smarter writer could've gotten the themes i wanted AND a structured plot

on a line level it's probably the most unbeautiful and long winded fic i've written in a while. i mean. it's not concise. a look at the summary itself makes this very clear. honestly the whole thing could've benefited from a rewrite but after a point i kind of just wanted to post it. ultimately i think i was successful in a thematic sense but was way to didactic about it, probably in part due to the structure i ended up going w.

the other bnha fics are better on a line level, in part bc they're so much shorter... lines i'm proud of

For so long, Shouto had wanted for nothing; needed for nothing; had seethed quietly and uselessly in the sensory deprivation room of his childhood until a stranger ungently pulled him out. That had been the great kindness of Shouto’s life -- a hero to save him. A route out of hell.

Shouto doesn’t think Touya ever left hell.

^ the rhythm of 'wanted for nothing, needed for nothing, had seethed {blankity blank blank blank}' is something i ended up really liking

Out of the villains his classmates hoped to save, only Touya has clearly survived. Toga Himiko and Shigaraki Tomura are dead. There’s no good reason for this to be the case: having done nothing to deserve it, Shouto can only live with it -- this strange and uncertain reality where miracles might happen and be reversed at any moment.

^ i think i did ok w the wording of this sentence, especially after the colon. the redefining of what 'it' through the different sections worked ok for what i wanted i think

Over the course of his bitter life, Touya has grown used to acting impulsively, setting fire to his loved ones without a second thought, but this is still -- exceptionally stupid, even for him.

^ successful deployment of canon-relevant metaphors?

on the whole this was a very middling writing year for me... not nothing but not at all close to what i wanted to do. i started about five million dc projects that i did NOT end up finishing, though i'd very much like to get to them eventually: the damian kane reverse robins au, the batman!jason fic, the poison ivy casefic, the genderbend bdsm damitim. to be honest i spent a good amount of time this year struggling to write poetry. hopefully i'll be able to bang out something complete by the end of this year; might write some sort of fic for the next book i read, no matter what it is

this means that before 2024 is over i will hopefully have written a complete drabble for either some random ass regency romance, an ursula k le guin, or a sci fi that truly needs no continuation. looking forward to it

[synonymouswithanonymous]

New magazine interview!

I've only read the excerpt from the article so far.

I think she sounds like a well rounded, positive, intelligent woman. She had a good childhood, has great parents, been through some hard times emotionally and romantically. The emotional/romantic troubles are certainly not a fairytale story by any stretch of the imagination. Especially not to those that have had to suffer from disorders or bad (abusive) relationships. But she came through it, worked through it to find peace, love, strength, and balance in her life which has led to her now healthy relationship and more success. She stood up for her life and is winning that battle. ❤💚💜💙💛💖 wishing continued happiness for her and him. And lots of success for both.

I'm happy she has supportive people around her, from parents, friends and her boyfriend. I'm glad he has her too, bc she probably helps him too, as he also has struggles with mental health. They've both been through the proverbial wars, they know, love, and understand each other. She's right couples are a team, bc you're a unit growing together. 😊😊  love and support.

It also goes to show just bc you have a strong confidant personality, or are strong willed, that abuse can happen to anyone. Disorders can happen to anyone. Hard things can break too, or be broken.

I liked that she helped the older gentleman who had fallen. It was probably fresh on her mind since is happened the morning the interview took place. So many people would/will walk by something like that without even helping, or even making eye contact, or just filming it for their own content. I'm glad she was respectful and helpful to him. Also I'm glad she got angry bc it's not right that no one else cared enough to be bothered to help, how long had he been there? With people walking by ignoring him bleeding like he doesn't matter. But I'd bet they'd want help if it was them.

I also liked how well she described her anxiety, even with examples of her thoughts, a very vivid portrayal of how your own mind can attack you. The visuals. Her describing her having to hold her parents hand made me sad. It reminded me of Sally Klempton's words "it's hard to fight an enemy that has outposts in your head."

And I also like this quote and want to throw it in here bc I think it applies to everyone, not just us women. Her interview made me think of it. If you're not there yet, trust yourself that you will get there, even if it takes awhile.

"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." -w Irving (it's been attributed to several so don't know where it originally came from)

Good for her, I'm glad she's doing better now and is happy. 😊😊 And she's so pretty! I love all those pics of her.

Edited to add, read the part of the interview where she talks about AHA and their relationship. I like how she talks about challenging each other. How well they understand/process each other in a healthy way. They're imo adorable. I like how she and he did take it slow, they may have dated a few months before getting officially together. But that's normal, reasonable and responsible.

That's better than meeting, and two weeks later living together, engaged, or married lol. Like she said you can't live at 180kph and expect not to crash. So I was probably right they started as friends and it grew to more than friends, then dated and then realized it was serious. It's always good to be sure and secure in yourself before becoming a couple. She learned from past mistakes of jumping in head/heart first, and now it's worked out great for them. I'm glad she's not afraid to be in love and receive real love anymore. 💖💖

And I like how she talked about she used to feel she always had to be "on", having to be funny all the time bc she was afraid to be seen as not good enough. I'm glad she's worked through that and can just be herself and take time for herself when needed.

Also really glad they don't take strangers opinions of them seriously or let it get to them too much. It's the best way to handle it. Just ignore that and focus on themselves And their lives. I'm sure it was an adjustment for her, but he probably already knew haters would happen (like with every female acquaintance, friend, possible love interest, coworker in the past that was researched and then trashed online. Every single one). He liked that "insufferable fans" comment, which maybe means he finds it horrible and frustrating that people act like that towards him and her. I don't blame him. But I'm glad they're able to brush it off as something they can't help, and that such opinions have no bearing on reality. None of us know him or her in real life. As I've said before he knows who his GF is, good days and bad. This interview helped solidify my opinion that she's really lovely. 😊😊😊

[angelsdean]

less than 2 hrs til the winchesters finale so here are my quickfire last minute predictions / theories / questions

we'll find out where this is all *really* taking place. is this actually earth, 1972, canon timeline or are we in an alternate universe / is this all happening in the empty or fake heaven or some other third, fourth, fifth thing ???

we'll find out (some) of the reasons for dean doing this in the first place. why did he knock over that first domino? why is he here? what's his endgame? hopefully we'll get a CRUMB of an answer

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS DEANNA CAMPBELL??? for the past like week or so the deanna-is-the-akrida-queen-vessel theory has been growing large in my mind and i swear...........deanna is either gonna show up w/ samuel to help them take down the akrida or she will be revealed as the queen (and possibly be thee cliffhanger bc mary cannot kill her!!)

WHAT are the akrida and what do they really want? if this *is* the canon timeline on earth and not taking place in the empty / heaven / some illusion then my theory is that the akrida ARE somehow linked to the empty or chuck / amara.

will we see a surprise spn guest other than dean ?? since mary said they were 'out-numbered' in the trailer i've been thinking they're gonna try to get all hands on deck (which is why i think IF deanna is not the queen then we might see her come in to town to help with the fight). which also makes me think maybe they'll try to utilize ALL their resources and they *do* have a trickster god (who may or may not be an archangel) trapped in a mirror rn. and if they DO call on Loki to help them well that would fit nicely with my last big theory....

TIME LOOP FINALE. you can read my whole post about it here. but the gist of it is, they realize they can't stop the invasion or defeat the akrida but they *can* contain it, in a time loop. so as soon as the akrida start invading, the time loop starts (perhaps courtesy of Loki / Gabriel) and takes them back to the day john and mary meet (and the day john gets the letter from dean). this would be the easiest way imo to do what robbie said which is, close out the season in a way that it Could stand on it's own as an ending w/ not too many huge cliffhangers if they don't get renewed, but also remain open and with enough intrigue to allow for more seasons.

clownery and misc questions / theories i have that probs won't get addressed unless there's more season:

my main realistic destiel clownery / prediction is that we may hear dean mention his buddy / best friend in his narration (or when we see him in person). i could easily see him narrating and saying something like "my best friend once said good things do happen" or some other obviously cascoded quote about love / friendship / family / free will that we may not have heard in spn but like, you just know he's talking abt cas.

what is up w/ the samulet? is he using it to try to warn if god is near or is it literally just a prop to appease the sam girls / j//2s djfkdgfd

i think dean will leave the impala to john and mary creating a loop where the impala was always *his* baby. (also it fits well with that dream jensen had abt the spn finale)

rowena is *our* rowena and she's time-traveling / universe hopping / whatever too. possibly in cahoots with dean (tho it would be hilarious if not)