#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

[kiunlo]

..lol this shit got sad

I've just realised how completely and utterly alone and isolated i really am. I don't even have ONLINE friends anymore who i talk to on discord every other day or whatever (let alone irl friends). I got ONE friend and that's my buddy larr who for some ungodly fucking reason still talks to me after ALL these years when pretty much everybody else has abandoned me or just stopped talking to me. and the only reason he's still my friend is because he is OPTIMUS PRIME & SUPERMAN levels of fucking kind and caring and feels guilty as shit for abandoning his friends lmfao. everybody else who i know or sometimes talk to on tumblr or in sum discord servers is still like. you're just sum person who i see on my dash and i enjoy your silly little posts but it's never deeper than that. i don't even consider most the people i know as "friends" unless they call ME their friend first because i'm scared of seeming like a clingy cunt DESPERATE for friendship (i really truly am). i don't know what has happened to me. if maybe i'm just so depressed and fucked in the head that talking to other people is pain and hell and suffering for me and having friends is genuinely something i cannot accomplish without having something fucked up and horrible happen to me or if i have became so closed off and unapproachable that people who do like me and who do want to be friends with me are too scared to bother me or piss me off. i don't even really speak when in discord calls or whatever. i love making shit during kandicraft and showing off my stuff but i feel like i used to talk so much more. i used to be so much more social when i was younger. so much more loud and annoying and more easily remembered. but i feel like after 2019-2020 i just. become completely shut off and lost some aspect of myself, and i can't tell if it was the trauma of covid or the trauma of the fires or both. i remember being so LOUD about what was going on in australia and i legit COULD NOT SHUT UP about what was going on even in the discord servers i was in because our water was contaminated and breathing the air was painful and like breathing pure poison and the smoke was so thick it was like the thickest fog imaginable and i was so terrified to lose everything to a fire (and we very nearly did). and then after it all happened. after it all stopped. it's was like i couldn't bare to open my mouth again.