#i'm trans. just so that's clear. cis people should probably not touch this

[adamantine-ribbon]

I fucking hate pronoun circles

[my-castles-crumbling]

Soooo, i’ve been following u for a while (adore ur microfics btw ❤️) and now I require advice… thankfully you’re good at that. 

So i’m straight. And i’ve fallen in love with this guy. He’s adorable and sweet and brave and honestly the best person I know. I met him about a month and a half ago at a work thing (he doesn’t work where I work tho, not that it matters) and we’ve been dating ever since. 

We haven’t done anything sex related yet (don’t worry this isn’t abt that). But the other day I decided we should talk about it, because he seemed super bothered by the idea (i had a hunch he might’ve been ace, which I was fine with) but it turns out it’s not that, he’s trans. 

He told me he transitioned pretty young, and that he’s had top surgery but not bottom. I reassured him this doesn’t change anything, cause it doesn’t, but to be honest, i’ve never really been around trans people? I know queer people but i’ve never had a trans friend or anything. So i’m worried about how to do this right. 

I assume it’s best to just be normal? Sex has never really mattered to me that much, so I guess in that regard i’ll just go with the flow of whatever. But I just thought, is there anything I should know or think about? 

I think this could be a really great relationship, we want the same things and get on so well. 

Maybe i’m being panicky, trying to make sure I don’t do anything that could hurt him. He asked me if it was okay that he’s trans because i’m straight. I told him that I love him and I don’t doubt that. And that I still feel straight. I still love a man. I wouldn’t really aline my sexuality with genitals anyway? 

I don’t know. I’m nervous I guess. I’ve been in plenty of different types of relationships. Good and bad. And I just don’t want to mess up or make him uncomfortable or not notice a hint he’s trying to give me? 

Look tbh I don’t totally know what i’m asking but like- advice? Please? Thanks Cas ❤️

AHHHH I think this is so cute. The fact that you're being thoughtful enough to ask is UGH. SO sweet.

So, you're ABSOLUTELY right. Sexuality has to do with gender, not body parts. So you're a girl (I'm assuming) and you're straight. Meaning you're attracted to boys. And this person, trans or not, is a boy. Simple! The fact that he is worried about your reaction is probably because he's experienced transphobia in the past. For this, just remind him that you see him as a boy, regardless of his body parts.

Trans people can deal with something called 'dysphoria' meaning they are uncomfortable (physically or mentally) because they feel like their expression or body doesn't match the gender they identify as. Dysphoria can be caused by anything - looking in the mirror and seeing something they don't like, a comment from someone else (even unintentional), or intimacy (amongst other things).

As far as sex, I'm going to break my rules here and give you some advice because I think it's important.

Sex could cause dysphoria. It's super important to note that every trans person is different. Some experience extreme dysphoria, others just a bit, others none at all! The same thing is true with intimacy- every trans person (just like cis people) has different preferences with intimacy. But this is especially true because for some trans people, intimacy could cause dysphoria because you're interacting with body parts that are normally not as...interacted with, lol.

Because of this, its super important to communicate. Ask him what he's comfortable with. What does he/doesn't he want you to touch? If you're going to use dirty talk, does he prefer certain terms for his body parts?

But here's the thing- communication is important for good, healthy sex anyways. And for a healthy relationship. And it's much better to just ask. Asking questions isn't wrong, and it shows that you don't want to make him uncomfortable. It could also be a great idea to make it clear what you've said to me- you see him as a boy, you don’t want to mess up or make him uncomfortable or not notice a hint he’s trying to give you.

Keep the communication open and everything will be fine <3

I'm going to name you adoring anon in case you write again!

[boytoykevinday]

I'm so, so, so confused about this entire conversation? You're a trans man who wants to be in female spaces, but you are told you don't belong in female spaces. But then that almost sounds like you feel you deserve the same rights women have in fandom? And then you say that being a trans man =/= being a cis man, because you have female experiences, so added up to me this sounds like you see yourself as a woman, or at least partially? How does that work?

Hopefully you don’t mean to do so, but you’re edging on TERF rhetoric here. Shall we break this ask down?

First, let’s touch on ‘female spaces’. Fandom isn’t a female space. Does it tend to be predominantly female? Yes! Does that make it a ‘female space’? No. Hopefully that’s cleared up for you :) 

‘Female rights’ in fandom - what do you mean by that? Surely not that only women deserve to feel safe! Surely not that only women deserve to not have slurs thrown at them! Surely not that only women can talk about issues in fandom! That surely cannot be what you mean! 

Now. I am a man, yes, but I’m a non passing trans man. I have ‘female experiences’; I experience misogyny. Even if I passed, I would still have past experiences with misogyny. That’s just a fact. I don’t see myself as a woman - society sees me as a woman, and treats me as such. Again, a fact. Which is irrelevant, because that’s not why I feel unsafe speaking out in fandom, because fandom shouldn’t be a ‘female space’ where you can only get a membership card if you’re a female that experiences misogyny. It should be a safe space for everyone that isn’t a Grade A Twat. The Grade A Twats can stay on twitter and reddit, thanks.

But like I said, my experiences with misogyny aren’t the part of the conversation you should be focusing on. That’s just another way to exclude people - ‘oh, you can join because you’ve experienced misogyny!’ That way of thinking is transphobic. That’s you saying you aren’t accepting me as man, but only as someone who experiences misogyny, which in your opinion, only women do. That’s straight up TERF rhetoric.

But this isn’t just about me, about people not seeing trans men as men. That’s a part of it, yes, but there’s more to it. 

It’s nonbinary people being an afterthought, being considered ‘Women Lite’ or ‘Men Lite’, being ‘accepted’ into your so called ‘female spaces’ but only if they’re femme enough that you can conveniently forget they’re nonbinary, even if you’re not aware you’re doing so, even if you don’t realise you’re erasing their gender. 

It’s about the fact that you probably can’t name a single trans women in this fandom, the fact that you treat trans sexuality differently than cisgender sexuality, the fact that trans people get spoken over because ‘cis people deserve to have opinions, too’.

It’s about the fact that I’m getting new asks every five minutes telling me if I have such a problem with how fandom treats trans people, I should just leave; not ‘how can we make fandom safer for trans people?’, just ‘if you don’t like our transphobic rhetoric, leave’.

I’ve thought about leaving fandom altogether, I think every marginalized person has. But before I do you bet your fucking ass I’m going to do my best to make it the same safe haven for trans people that it is for cis women.

Again, hopefully you didn’t mean this the way it came across :)

Okay to reblog, but cis people - don’t fucking clown in the notes. If you feel the need to say ‘not all cis people are like this’ in regards to my posts, you’re the cis person I’m directing this to. I fucking know not all cis people are like this, but you can shut up and listen to what we’re saying.

[fandomshatepeopleofcolor]

I'm done hating Rose McGowan because when I went back and looked at the actual video, I saw her trying to make nice with a very angry aggressive monster until se had a prey meets predator moment. Victims will lash out once they've exhausted their disfusing methods. FYI, trans activists are misogynists that hate women and girls will do anything to put a born male in a dress over women and girls even if he's a pedo or violent offender. (1/2)

Furthermore, IDK how or why, but feminism has become about everyone EXCEPT females. We no longer talk about our problems or health or repro rights because Feminism must now center transwomen or it's problematic. Bi women are now at odds with our lesbian sisters. Lesbians are being told they're transphobic for not liking/dating/fucking trans women. And social justice is now a freaking lynch mob ready to cut down anyone who doesn't walk carefully on eggshells. (2/2)

Alright let’s do this.

The trans woman in question asked Rose to address the very transphobic comment she made on RuPaul’s radio show, which has bee brought up here already. Rose refusing to address what she said and how it affects trans women is not playing nice, it’s not defusing the situation, it’s deflecting and refusing to address her bigoted statements.

“until she had a prey meets predator moment” I’m sorry WHAT there was no point in that entire exchange that could be classified as a prey vs predator moment. You TERFS are a fucking trip. You’ll do or say anything and I mean ANYTHING to get transphobic cis women off the hook for their nasty oppressive behavior. 

“FYI, trans activists are misogynists that hate women and girls will do anything to put a born male in a dress over women and girls even if he's a pedo or violent offender.”

When one of the mods mentioned this was in our inbox I called dibs on dealing with you because I read what you said and I was like “I got this fuck head” cause I just knew what to say to you...and yet I don’t even have words for this fucking ridiculous sentence. 

I am sure there are misogynist trans activist but being a trans activist does not automatically make you a misogynist and it’s disingenuous and just fucking wrong to frame this entire thing as “people want to protect elevate a pedophile over a “real” woman”

To reiterate what I said on the post I linked:

So like to actually touch on the pedophilia part. I’ve heard that around about the trans woman that called out Rose at her book tour - now I don’t know if it’s true or not I never looked more into it but I take this line very seriously: “thou shall not suffer a pedophile” [I am NOT saying she should be murdered just to make that clear]

But what the woman has or hasn’t done [I just don’t know myself] that doesn’t negate the fact that it doesn’t look like Rose has done much for the community and from her OWN words is actually harming it.

TL;DR Pedophiles are trash, not an excuse to ignore Rose’s fucker

We no longer talk about our problems or health or repro rights because Feminism must now center transwomen or it's problematic

I don’t know what online or real life circles you’re running in but I find no resistance to talking about reproductive rights and health - but that’s probably because I’m capable of talking about the reproductive rights and health of ALL women AND clearly stating when I am talking about a SPECIFIC type of woman [For example if I am making a statement about something that only menopausal women suffer from I state that. It’s not hard] or person [trans men/ nb people with vaginas etc]. 

Sure there are gonna be some people that hop on a post to make something into a problem but that happens EVERYWHERE it’s not indicative of the trans community.

Bi women are now at odds with our lesbian sisters

Bi women and lesbians have always had a tumultus relationship, the only difference is like many many other things we are now in an age where it’s easier for other people to see other people talking about these issues. This isn’t something new. There has ALWAYS been rampant systematic biphobia in the lesbian AND gay community

Lesbians are being told they're transphobic for not liking/dating/fucking trans women

NEWSFLASH while NO ONE is required to like/date/fuck anyone they don’t want to people’s reasons for not liking/dating/fucking can be bigoted and oppressive. 

Lesbians are 100% within their right to refuse their time and body to anyone they see fit but if the reason is “I refuse to date trans women” it’s definitely transphobic. I don’t have an estimate on how many gay trans women there are in the world but the idea that you wouldn’t like/date/fuck any one of them is couched in some sort of bigoted/oppressive stereotype, most of the time. 

Just to make this clear so NO ONE can go twisting my words around:

 1. No one is required to like/date/fuck anyone for any reason whatsoever.

2. There’s nothing wrong with people saying “I wanna date people that share my lived experiences.” Cis women and trans women are both women but their lives are vastly different.

3. While no one is required to date anyone for any reason whatsoever your reasons for not dating someone can be rooted in bigotry.  If you won’t date trans women because they “all have penises” that’s transphobic because it’s based on some incorrect stereotype. 

4. Again while no one is required to date anyone for any reason whatsoever, we are all required to examine and work through our prejudices and bigotries because it can and does hurt other people and even after all that examining and work has been done still no one is required to date anyone for any reason whatsoever, not even to prove they are no longer bigoted or prejudice against a group that person belongs to.

Finally as LOATHE as I am to agree with TERFS on ANYTHING I will admit that social justice at times does turn into a “lynch mob” unnecessarily and forgets people are human and make mistakes.

mod velonius