#i'm the fucking seraph of blasphemy

[antikristvs]

Crowned with a halo of fire

[bluerose5]

A Little Taste of Heaven

(A/N: Well, classes are about to start back for me, so my writing is about to slow way down. I’ve been stressing myself out so much today, so I wrote this as self-care. Basically, some crack/silliness involving a world where angels are a public thing at the same time that androids become a thing. Androids have rights and souls because I say so, and the Jericho crew rules Heaven b/c God officially left the game. WARNINGS for what is probably considered blasphemy, lots of swearing, implied/referenced sexual activities, and my take on humor. Let’s see how this goes. P.S. This is not a wingfic, and most angels have adopted human forms, just FYI.)

"I can't believe I let you three talk me into this."

By now, Simon and Josh have stopped responding to him altogether, unable to muster up even a single eye roll for old time's sake.

Markus huffs at them, pouting into his cup of coffee while they continue to speak to each other in hushed tones, ignoring his presence entirely.

Not even three seconds later, and Markus is back to worrying, unable to keep his nerves at bay.

"Do you think that he'll like my outfit?" Markus mutters, pinching at his clothes with a critical eye. "I mean, North helped me pick this out, but what if he doesn't like it?"

Simon groans, burying his face into his hands, but Josh simply stares at Markus, unimpressed.

"North is his guardian," Josh reasons, saying the words slowly, in a last, futile attempt to make the meaning stick. "I'm certain that she knows Connor well enough to know what he likes."

"Well, yeah, but I mean..." Markus's leg starts to bounce, and his hands clench around the coffee mug, cracking the ceramic. "What if he's, I don't know, disappointed?"

"Are you serious?" Simon snaps, throwing his hands up in frustration. "You two have been eye-fucking each other since you first met!"

"What Simon means to say," Josh interrupts, "is that Connor is clearly into you."

"More like he wants wants to be into you," Simon snorts. He thinks about it for a moment, and then corrects himself. "Or you into him." He contemplates it for a second time, and then shrugs. "Eh, either or."

Josh jabs him sharply in the side, and Simon gapes at him, more offended than hurt.

"Hey, what did I do?" Simon asks. "I only speak the truth."

"As eloquent as ever, Si," Josh says, his eyes carrying a weariness that could only come from centuries of dealing with them.

"Creator help me," Markus grumbles, wondering what the hell he was getting himself into. "Maybe I should just go."

"And maybe you shouldn't," Josh counters.

"This isn't going to work," Markus whispers, more to himself that the others, but Simon and Josh answer regardless.

"It will, as long as you think it will, Cupid," Simon teases. Leaning into Josh's side, he clasps his hands together jokingly, fluttering his eyelashes while he sighs dramatically. "Isn't it so romantic, Josh? Our little seraph is growing up."

Josh snickers, hiding his laugh behind a cough when Markus glowers.  

"Haha, very funny," he mumbles. He sets his coffee cup down before he breaks it entirely, straightening up his silverware with a huff. When he can't find anything else to occupy his time with, his entire demeanor deflates, losing what confidence that remained. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're just used to having control, Mr. High and Mighty." Simon takes a sip of his own drink, wrinkling his nose at the diner's bitter brew. While he stirs in a boatload of cream and sugar, he rambles on. "Give you a legion of angels to command, and you barely bat an eye. But leave you alone with an android, and you suddenly turn into a nervous wreck."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Josh adds, "but it is unusual to see."

Before Markus can so much as open his mouth to reply, the air around him starts to shift and waver, and North pops in at his side, manifesting with a smug smile.

Thankfully, none of the humans seem to notice their newest addition, nor do they seem to care.

Not as if that would have deterred North in the slightest.

"Amazing entrance, as always," Markus greets.

Simon stares at her challengingly, shaking his hand in a "so-so" motion. "Six out of ten. Needs more flickering lights and screaming humans." 

North scoffs at him, shoving Markus over in the booth. "As if our Lord and Savior would let me have my fun."

"Excuses," Josh says, causing Markus to tsk at them in disapproval.

"Some days, I really regret my job," Markus mutters, staring unseeingly at the table.

North slaps him soundly on the shoulder, giving him a solid thumbs up. "Shouldn't have volunteered for the whole 'throne of God' thing, buddy."

"Well, to be fair," Simon says, "if daddy dearest didn't leave us to clean up his mess, then everything would be fine." Everybody turns to stare at Simon, all in different states of disbelief. Simon scowls, then eventually surrenders his opinion. "Okay, maybe things wouldn't be fine."

"Just 'maybe'?" Josh asks.

"Okay," Simon agrees. "Things would be terrible. Angels would still be in our own realm, fawning over our self-righteous bullshit, and humans would probably be starting another world war."

"Is it still too late to make the androids their overlords?" North asks.

"Yes!" Markus snaps. "Why on Earth would we do that?"

"So we don't have to deal with them," North says, as if Markus is the one being irrational.

Josh shakes his head at their antics, but refuses to involve himself when Markus looks to him for help.

"No, no, no..." he chuckles, leaning back in his seat. "I'm not getting into this."

"Do I need to remind you three that we all share that power together?" Markus asks.

"Great!" North says, clapping her hands together in excitement. "Then I can order the beginning of the android revolution. Good to know."

"Not how that works," Josh says.

Simon stares at North again, playfully narrowing his eyes. "You know, we've only known each other since, well, since the beginning of time or whatever, but I can't figure one thing out."

"And what's that?" North asks, meeting his glare with one of her own.

"Oh boy," Markus grumbles, at the exact same time that Josh says, "Here we go."

Simon grins at her, ignoring the others. "I can't ever seem to figure out what horrible sin Connor had to commit to be stuck with you."

"Oh no," Markus whispers, and they all watch while North holds up three fingers.

"Great," Josh sighs. "You got her started."

Simon crosses his arms over his chest.

"Three," North says.

"Please don't make a scene," Markus groans.

But Simon doesn't move a muscle, never once breaking eye contact.

"Two," North continues, dropping a finger.

"I swear to Markus, if I have to chase after you two..." Josh threatens, but neither one listens, locked in a standstill.

"One," North chimes, leaving her middle finger up for Simon to see.

Before she can reach zero, however, Simon disappears in a burst of pure energy, causing the lights in the diner to flicker uncontrollably. All around them, it's like a miniature shockwave going off, and everyone braces themselves against the impact.

Everyone except the angels, that is.

Some random man cries out in terror, effectively breaking the tension. "Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Actually his name is Markus," North responds, ignoring Markus's furious glare as she jabs a thumb in his direction.

Taking a good look at him, another person answers this time, their voice filled with awe. "Can I join your religion?"

"Of course humans can, on the condition that they accept the androids as their overl—" Markus slaps a hand over North's mouth, but she keeps on going, unfazed. "Mmrhm..."

"What she means to say," Josh interjects, "is that we are currently not accepting applications at this time, so have a nice day."

Murmured confusion rises up at that, and when Markus stares at Josh in exasperation, Josh merely shrugs, returning his gaze. "What?"

"What the hell kind of religion uses applications?" Markus hisses.

"I don't know," Josh huffs, "but I don't see you coming up with anything, Your Majesty."

And as usual, North decides that she gave Simon enough of a headstart. She peels away Markus's hand, then cracks her knuckles for show.

She works the kinks out of her neck, sighing in annoyance. "Well, gentlemen, this has been fun and all, but I have to go kick Simon's ass now." She starts to snap her fingers, but stops midway, pointing threateningly at Markus. "By the way, sweetheart, I love and respect you so much. But if you hurt my boy, your ass is next on the list." 

With those as her parting words, she finishes her snap, disappearing with a loud, thunderous roar.

All of the employees and patrons continue to stare at their table, gaping in shock.

Markus admits, he's having trouble keeping the laughter at bay.

"So much for remaining inconspicuous," he mutters, both of them rising hurriedly from their seats.

One waitress crosses herself, murmuring something about demons, and Josh can't hold it in any longer, barking out a contagious laugh.

Markus throws a wad of cash on the table, waving awkwardly at everyone with a weary smile.

"Sorry," he apologizes, gesturing vaguely towards the empty seats. "They have a, um, condition?"

"A for effort," Josh chuckles, shoving him out of the restaurant doors. "Really, nice try."

Markus turns to address him, but that is apparently enough of a distraction to send him crashing into the person in front of him.

Once Markus recognizes who it is he bumped into, he figures that the crash wasn't as accidental as he originally believed. He turns once again —this time, to confront Josh— but the traitor has already left, disappearing in a plume of smoke.

Great. Now Markus is here. He's here, he's alone, and he's alone with—

"Connor," Markus breathes, uncertain of what to say. "It's good to see you...?"

Connor smiles crookedly, and Markus feels his spirit start to flutter. "Are you asking or telling me?"

"Telling," Markus answers, much too quickly.

Well, it's not as if he needed his dignity today.

"Yeah," Markus says, nodding eagerly. "Definitely telling."

Startled by his sudden boldness, Connor blinks at him, his eyes darting back and forth questioningly.

"Is everything alright?" he wonders. "I thought North was supposed to be meeting us."

"Well..." Markus glances over his shoulder, noticing the mob of people pouring out of the restaurant, some wielding their phones, armed and ready. Markus grabs onto Connor's hand, leading him in the other direction. "There was an incident, so change of plans."

Connor follows Markus' gaze, smirking while he regains his footing, falling into step at the angel's side. "One that conveniently involves us being alone?"

"Oh, well, would you look at that!" Markus exclaims. "What a coincidence."

"A pleasant one, I'll admit," Connor allows, eyeing him slyly. "Not everyone can claim that they get to hold hands with an angel."

"A literal one, in my case," Markus says. "Not that I'm trying to brag or anything."

"Of course not," Connor agrees. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes tells an entirely different story, though. "That would imply that you have a reason to impress me."

Markus raises an eyebrow. "Just the one?"

"Or a few..." Connor pauses, chuckling to himself.

"What?" Markus asks. He weaves them expertly around the other pedestrians, refusing to take his eyes off of the android.

"Nothing," Connor says. "I was just thinking about something that Hank and North were telling me." At Markus's curious look, he caves, rolling his eyes while he burrows into Markus's side. "They keep saying that I'm wasting perfect opportunities to use angel pickup lines."

"Well," Markus teases, "using them would imply that you have a reason to impress me."

As they stroll into a nearby park, Connor takes a second to bask in the golden, afternoon sunlight.

Markus loudly clears his throat, feeling his mouth run dry at the expression of pure peace that spreads across Connor's face, his warm spirit fluttering with happiness.

"I could try one out, if you like," Connor offers. He then takes the lead, dragging Markus over to a bench, where they both take a seat in an inhumanly fluid motion.

Leaning his arm on the back of the bench, Markus angles himself towards Connor, his skin taking on a subtle glow from the continuous sun exposure.

Markus tries his best to ignore the resulting stares, resting his cheek in his hand.

"I wouldn't be opposed to it," he says. However, when Connor's LED turns yellow for a split second, Markus calls him out on it. "Hey, no cheating."

"Too late," Connor chimes, leaning in with focused intent. His eyes trail teasingly from Markus's eyes to his mouth, cycling back up again. Markus stares into those dark brown eyes with a hooded gaze, biting longingly on his bottom lip. "So..." Connor purposefully lowers his voice, his tone thick and husky. "Are you an angel?" He drags his eyes up and down Markus's form. "Because your body is heavenly."

Markus chokes down a laugh, covering his mouth while he nods appreciatively. "Well, consider me seduced. I mean, how can I possibly keep my hands to myself now?"

"That's operating under the assumption that I want you to."

"Oh?" Markus asks.

Connor shrugs nonchalantly. "You could say that I'm curious."

"Hmm..." Markus contemplates the situation, then eventually decides to hell with it. "I might be able to satisfy that curiosity."

"'Might' be?" Connor questions, cocking his head to the side. "Why the uncertainty?"

"Not really uncertainty. Because, believe me, it's entirely possible. The problem is that, sex on Earth... probably not a good idea." Markus holds his hand out for inspection, showing Connor the ever growing tendrils of light that caress Markus's skin, bright and wispy. "The best way to explain it is, in our realm, our 'energy' is in an almost endless loop. It tends not to stay stagnant for long, so if one of us were to... expend it in any way, it wouldn't affect our surroundings. It would simply be absorbed and recycled."

"But on Earth...?"

Markus chuckles nervously, scratching at the edge of his brow. "At worst, I level the entire city of Detroit. At best, I cause a citywide blackout."

"Wonderful," Connor deadpans.

"And I could only imagine that that amount of power wouldn't be great on your systems."

"I would prefer not to find out, now that I think about it."

"And I would prefer not to test that theory," Markus agrees. Nudging experimentally at Connor's spirit, Markus watches as the light curls eagerly around his own, accepting his advances. "But that doesn't mean it's impossible."

"Care to explain?"

Markus smirks, his mismatched eyes darkening with desire. "Perhaps it would be more interesting to show you instead."

With that being said, Markus stands, helping Connor to his feet. 

"Come on," he breathes, and Connor is helpless but to follow.

The next day at work, Connor sits in the DPD's break room, trapped firmly in a daze by the time North and Hank walk in, huddled together while they talk.

They both stop short when they notice Connor, who continues to stare blankly at the wall across from him, mumbling mindlessly to himself with a coffee cup clenched tightly in his hands.

Hank and North exchange a wary glance, approaching him in confusion.

"Hey, asshole, you okay?" Hank snaps his fingers in front of his face, and Connor startles, blinking rapidly at the two before him.

"I-I, uh..." Connor stutters.

Narrowing her eyes at him, North scrutinizes him from head to toe, leaning in to get a closer look. While she is busy doing so, Hank walks away and searches for a bottle of water, unfazed.

"Something is different," North says, tapping a finger on her chin.

"No shit," Hank snorts, pointing his bottle in Connor's direction. "He's mumbling even more nonsense than usual."

"Not that," North replies. "It's something about his soul." 

Connor ignores them, clutching desperately at the sides of his head. "I had a literal out-of-body experience yesterday."

"What the fuck are you on about?" Hank huffs, but North remains quiet, her eyes cold and calculating.

"I saw the dick of God," Connor murmurs, barely intelligle.

Or so he thought.

Realization appears to strike North without warning, her eyes widening comically, and Hank barely refrains from spitting out his water, slamming a fist against his chest as he coughs, forcing it down.

As soon as he regains his breath, Hank hastily corrects him. "'The phrase is the 'face of God,' Connor." He looks at the android desperately. "Please, tell me that you meant the face of God."

North tucks into the seat across from him, trembling with curiosity.

"I meant what I said," Connor says. No more, no less.

As if North could possibly be satisfied with so little. "No way. Connor, you slut, and on the first date?" She presses a hand over her chest. "I'm so proud." That's when she narrows her eyes again. "But that would mean..."

Already traumatized by the conversation, Hank stares into his water, more than likely wishing it was something else. "Do I want to know what that means, besides the obvious?"

"No!" North gasps, slamming her hands on the table. "You two fucked in Heaven?!"

Of course Nine would choose that exact moment to walk in. Everyone in the room stares at him, and he stares back, the silence stretching on to awkward lengths. Eventually, he gives a slow, approving nod, easing his way back into the hall, step by step.

And as soon as he is out of sight, the sound of his hurried pace can be heard, echoing throughout the hallway.

His voice carries back to them, loud and victorious. "Gavin, you asshole, I won the bet!"

"Taste in humans aside, I'm so proud of his progress," Hank sighs, then glares at Connor. "You, on the other hand..."

"Shhh..." North snaps, waving Hank off. "I need details because he didn't even tell me he was there."

Connor shifts uneasily. "I was preoccupied."

"The entire night?" she asks.

"The entire night," he whispers. "Angel and android stamina works wonders together."

"Some would say miracles," North giggles.

"Someone kill me now," Hank mutters, but they both ignore him.

"So you saw his home?" she insists.

"Thoroughly," Connor confirms.

"And the throne?" she demands.

"He loved the throne," Connor sighs, putting his chin in his hand with a dreamy smile.

"You know," Hank interrupts, "when angels came out to the public, I thought that you lot would be all wise and ancient with a permanent stick up your ass." He scoffs at himself and at how horribly wrong he actually was. "I was more worried that you would try and rule the world your way, not fuck my son."

"Aww, you called me your son," Connor whispers.

"And technically the only one fucking him is our Lord and Savior," North says. She and Connor exchange a high five, and Hank takes that as his cue to leave.

"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that," Hank mutters, "or the thing about you defiling the throne of God, or any of this, for that matter."

"It was quite the heavenly experience," Connor taunts.

On his way out, Hank flips them off behind his back, and both North and Connor dissolve into a fit of laughter.