#i'm still a little scared to touch these guys but its mostly a 'i dont wanna freak you out :(' kinda thing now

[endykelopaedia]

one of my fave things about spiders is how they walk. theyre so thoughful and melodical about every step and i think thats really cute. they pause when they're unsure and approach everything with this poise about them.

from the perspective of my engineering degree, its also really cool how they move their legs using hydraulics of their own haemolymph (bug blood).

they also have little toe beans. thats also great.

hehehghsh look at them

[cent-scratchnsniff]

ramblings of a mad man that has attempted day 46 mostly for archival purposes? Sploilers obviously. If you do read though Hiii! Thank you for doing so. I'm having so much fun playing this

Includes: Apologizing to the screen for deaths caused by my ineptitude, tembling hands, pie?, apoc bird for some god damned reason it just kinda happens??, body count at 9, my favorite child (abomination) now with 12 ego gifts total, PALE DAMAGE???, and more

It took 2 hours total because of me being nervous. I love coffee

im scared. ive just been stat and gift grinding day 41-45 for the past few hours of the game. everyone is above 100 fortitude. there is three people per department at the least currently (excluding safety and training). about 5 aleph inside my facility but it honestly isnt that bad. two sets of gear for all due to being done with disciplinary's core suppression which ive done all of them so far actually.

WHY THE HELL DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO. WHY DID IT MAKE ME PICK TWO (soon found out why it made me pick two.) i got big bird and wall gazer. terrified to re extract so i didnt. was thinking of mem rep after just doing apoc bird for that sweet sweet beautiful gear for my favorite little agent (maxim) but decided that i should at least try the day in its enirety.

WHY IS THE DEPARTMENT SO GOD DAMN MASSIVEM FICK. WHY IS THERE 8 SLOTS!!! I DIDNT KNOW THIS!!!! I didnt get any spoilers for mechanics day 45 and onward PLEASE KEEP IT LIKE THAT. SHHH. im honestly so so SO excited. I love feeling challenged. i love feeling the despair that comes up from knowing that it isnt just simply repetition anymore to where it loops back to insane laughter and a blooming joy i havent felt in my body for ages.

... i did not account for the fact architecture team would need agents when training though

Maxim (beloved) and Mary (got the 2% gift from nothing there?? when did that happen. go off girl boss) got moved down to there. I LOVE LOB POINTS!!! RAUGHHHH

twas at this moment i realized the meltdowns were going to be facility wide again. oh god. oh YES!!!

CHRIST THE DEPARTMENT IS MASSIVE WHAT THE HELLLLL it did not go where i thought it would the hallways are so LONG and it was at this moment i also realized big bird was a clerk lover as well. yes. put big bird in the department with the LONGEST HALLWAYS KNOWN TO MAN!!!! Goodness Gracious. Doing typical works, hoping for gifts but at this point everyone is level V (except for melendez his fotitude is V though hes just on train duty (i had the fuck ass train in central since day 27)) and EX on fotitude and most other stats. the newer hires had been positioned in record and Extraction for a bit. record is just alephs. and one teth tool. Blue star, nothing there, the silent orchestra. ow. extraction is actually rather chill? the one painting tool, CENSORED (okay not chill i just dont touch it because its a pain to wait for sanity to get back up and i already got the weapon), little red, and king of greed.

white dawn with dawn WHITE DAWN!!!

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE FIXERS IN MY GOD DAMN FACILITY!!! WHO SENT MERCS ON MY ASS!!!!!

lmao nvmd aint shit

IT CAUSED THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!!!!

bella. bella lobe of my life. please. please get a normal with the pink lamma. PLEASE GET A NORMAL WITH THE LAMMA. BELLA!!!!! BELLLAAA!!!!!!!!

im cooked its getting iut isnt it

YEAHHHHH BELLA SWEEP WE ARE ALL FINE

Was worried about the mirror of readjustment (?) melting down and if there was a new mechanic about it and if i NEEDED to resolve meltdowns like in binah's but nope. its fine. tools arent a problem still.

WHY IS ALL AROUND HELPER OUT? WHAT?? its nota. big problem oj its own BUT HOW!!!! ITS IN SAFETY TEAM ORDEAL SPAWNED INSIDE DISCIPLINARY!?!? almost forgot this was categorized as a core suppression so sephirah communication is down. hold on. looking at logs

??? ??? okay it looks like it was just always normal work. guys. you have attatchment over 100 or 100. why are tou getting NORMAL on ALL AROUND HELPER for REPRESSION WORK. im disappointed. not mad but just a bit disappointed. mods(agents). ban it

thinking about it. if dawn is WAW already . whats going to happen next. what level is going to happen when noons activates

just doin typical works rn. nothing special. gotta get to noon

?!?!?!??! WHO KEEPS SENDING FIXERS INTO THE COMPANY TO KILL ME. but also WAW its okay. ..... What do you mean its immune to white damage. most of central control 1 is WHITE DAMAGE DEALERS

WHY IS THER E TWO OF THEM!!!!! WHY IS THE OTHER ONE RED!!!!

HILT SHIT WHAT. OH MY GOD WHATHF holy shit . uhm. mosb is going to breach. uhhh dubbed mosb bully pair go juggle it for a bit

shit how did they die. im sorry. whatm fffffff ukckk. WHY IS VERA DEAD. oh when the white fixer goes down to pray it. does. red damage.... (my ass thought it was only white) fuckin religious ass.

WHY ARE YOU AIMING UP!! oh okay just go ahead and do a circle. uh huh. mhm. yupm just a god damn circle.

WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT

okay MY bad it was a PIE.

shittttttt theyre dead. ahh im so sorry my ineptitude caused you all to die... .. .

. . . . Erm. okay. uhm. mosb and little red are out. AND BIG BIRD JUST NOTICED RIGHT AFTER!! christ.

mosb suppressioned. easy as FUCK dude it isnt shit. little red was also done, sent maxim over to help (has mimicry gear so red damage wasnt a problem).

errmmmmmmm game plan. kill all clerks at the start of the day via execution. i feel bad but they will die regardless so its better to get it out of the way

... oh dear.

Big bird is still out. i need to check on train and even tools like train count towards punishing bird's qliphoth going down. I KNOW I MENTIONED TO PEOPLE BEFORE THAT APOC BIRD WOULD BE GREAT. BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!! WE HAVE A SITUATION!!!!!

you knowbehay. days fucked anyways. here birdy birdy

ITS STARTING oh god.

didnt type for this but judgement bird egg was dealt with. it spawned in Disciplinary while punishing bird egg is inside extraction and big bird's is inside information. i moved at least one employee per hallway (save for the few like control team only having ppodae or how ever you spell it to escape or info only having fire bird to escape.) going to small bird egg since its closer

.... fuuckkkk burrowing heaven is out i got anxious about everything else i forgot. melendez im sorry . agh i need to send someone else into that hallway. no problems when it comes to meltdowns also happening but i need someone there for train specifically since out resident babysitter is deceased

RED IS ALSO OUT. BTWM AHAHAHAHAH!!! AH. A. RED IS IN EXTRACTION. AHAH. i sent maxim and Courtney (red damage dealers that cant help with the egg) over there to try and help the agent being targeted which was positioned in the hallway. i think they might die (agent targeted) but i donthave any bullets left. im sorry ahh

THEY LIVED!!! THEY LIVED!!!! OH GOOD JOB!!!! SPLENDED WORK . second problem censored had. meltdown twice in a row but the sanity wasnt healed enough to i needed to send someone else it during that scuffle

second egg down!!! no casualties on that part so far (besides burrowing heaven which also got suppressed while the rest were working on the scuffle. im not counting burrowing heaven . . .) possessed are a bit of a problem but other than that everything was covered so far and nothing else got out. yeahhhh!!! nice work so far (i say as im talking to the screen of video game pawns)

APOC BIRD DOWN!! yeah that honestly wasnt bad at all tbh. its just violet midnight but some mechanics moved around so it wasnt hard. just a lot to manage. okay it guess thay counts as 'hard' i think im looking for the word 'overwhelming'? which it hadnt been. .... okay it isnt violent midnight at that point BUT the concept of seperate stationary entities that need to be suppressed while having to dance around aspects that you cant directly attack that does damage still stands. neither are too miserable. i actually like violet midnight over amber midnight. WHEN IT ISMT HOKMA'S SUPPRESSION AND I HAVE PAUSE!!!!

forgot vincent died. sorry vincent. ermm okay hoon go up there for me please

my favorite child. my lovely abomination. i shall have to draw you later. but for now back on track I STILL HAVE WHITE DUSK AND MIDNIGHT TO DO!!!!

well good news all the clerks are dead so we dont need to have a mosb (mountain of smiling bodies), big bird, or black swam problem. bad news. uhm. everything else that happened so far. i dont think ive had an agent casualty rate this high since my first midnight. and i had done mem rep after to bring them back. suprisingly binah wasnt that bad (final successful try at least I HAD MULTIPLE WIPES BEFORE I ACRUALLY WENT IN WITH A PLAN UNDERSTANDING ALL MECHANICS) . we arent even done yet. sighhh (only five are dead so far im scared. im not even done yet. thats screwed up.)

i might continue if it goes well. +7 stats to EVERYONE is super good. greed...

i got reloads on bullets. cleeerrrkkksss pspspsp. thank you for surviving this long but you shall need to die for the good of the group. uhm. why is there more than three. WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE. THERES ANOTHER ONE??? WHATVTHEBFHEPL

fusk. dusk. good lord. i hope. i HOPE dusk is still a WAW. if its aleph i will scream in teror and then laugh maniacally in joy. probably not sane at that point but AW HELL YEAH!!?!?! okay it started. WHATBTHEBFUCK WHY ISBTHERE FOUR. four total. four. PALE DAMAGE? why are you PALE.

okay sorry locked in for that its over. four dead the panicked were recovered. big and will be bad wolf got out somehow? i think the black fixer ends up messing with the qliphoth in the hall when still alive as it also sets qliphoth meltdowns after death. so qliphoth mechanics wouldnt be too far off. i sent little red after him though so i just maneuvered the rest of my agents around that fight. happened while still supressing the other four. courtney tanked red fixer. even if she didnt do damage she still took the brunt of the attacks with mimicry so thank you courtney that was very helpful. PALE FIXER CAN JUST FUCKIN TELEPORT PKAY??? went over with white fixer when the ganf was beating the shit of of them. not good. they lived though! the only casualties at thay point was my carelessness with black fixer for one(?) and the rest came from pale fixer. sorry.... 3 dead total then. why is everything i have white damage btw. really bad. really really bad i need to fix that.

refill of bullets for midnight thank you. couldnt find it at first but the odreal (CLAW??? CLAW?????!?!?) is in central command department 2 on the top most floor. grouped everyone up before hand and then sent them in. WHY IS HE RESISTANT TO EVERYTHING. WHY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT BE ANOTHER BINAH I KNOW YOURE BOTH RELATED TO THE HEADBBIT PLEASEE!!!! DONT HAVE A SEXOND PHASE FOR AN ORDEAL THAT WOULD BE SCREWED UP!!!!?!?!

WHY IS THERE MARKERS ON MY EMPLOYEES

nvmd that was. so fucking easy? literally got stun locked after the gang just dog piled him. less than a minute. about 30 seconds on 2x speed. BUT ITS OVER!!!!!!

surprisingly good rating score. body count is at 9 but everyone did a good job. now for the story

AHGHHGEGBGKGIJMENGJGOHORJG

wow. okay. erm. glad i did the core suppressions HAHA ohhh god. that got me teary for a bit for some reason. god i love lob corp so so much

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Ghost - Part 5

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn't and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Y/n

Warning: language, PTSD, anxiety, violence, fluff.

W/c: 3.5K ish

A/n : oooh getting serious. Im having so much fun writing this you guys! Shout out to @cutie1365​ for all her support! Go read her fic A Kid From Queens, but dont say I didnt warn you. Its addicting! 

Everything happened really fast after that day in the common room with Wanda. Shuri worked tirelessly in the lab trying to develop a softer approach to bringing back your memories. She believed if she could restore them fully, we would have the last piece of the puzzle.

Becoming the perfect war machine seemed like the most obvious use for the serum, but Steve reminded you Hydra always had something up their sleeve.

You really enjoyed living in Wakanda. Most days were spent in the gym training. Trying to harness the team's abilities was not so enjoyable. You worked with Wanda most. It helped that you were only 4 years older than her. She was younger than most of the team and had a dark past that seemed to mirror yours.

Most of your nights consisted of you, Wanda and Nat settling into the couch and cheesy eighties movies on the plasma TV. Bucky would often come out of his room and sit with you.

You really enjoyed Bucky's energy. Something about him just drew you to him. Maybe it was his smile, or the way he smelled like mint and nicotine, or that he read the newspaper and drank black coffee in the mornings. You weren't sure. One thing was for certain, the more time you spent together, the harder it became to leave him. Bucky would tell you about his past and how he used to have to bail little 'Stevie' out of bar fights and ally brawls every other day. He made you laugh like no one really did. When he told you about his time with Hydra and how they would control his mind you would rake your fingers through his hair and whisper to him he wasn't alone anymore.

As the days melted into weeks, the horrific nightmares began to grow legs. It was one of the many side effects from Shuri’s digging. Some days it felt like Hydra knew you would try to remember and this was their fail-safe. Every time you began to drift off you'd see Tommys pale face, blood oozing from the corner of his mouth. You swear, right before he stumbled off the edge of the bridge you saw him say something. You could never remember when you woke, nor could you recall any other detail other than Tommy. It felt wrong. You felt wrong. Like he wasn't yours to grieve.

One particular bad night, you remember waking up screaming. Your whole body felt like it was on fire as your tears seared down your cheeks. The only thing that grounded you after that was the small knock that echoed from the other side of your door.

“Hey, doll. Let me in?” His voice was soft and smooth and the only thing that seemed to bring you back to the dimly lit bedroom. You stared at the ceiling for a solid minute before slowly rising and crossing the room. Gently, you opened the door just a crack and looked up. There stood a sleepy-eyed Bucky. He sported a baggy pair of grey sweats and an old beat up tank, his arms on full display. In normal circumstances, you believed that that was enough to knock you out of any state. You wondered if Bucky knew the effect he had on people. Or worse, if he knew the effect he had on you.

“Can't sleep, keep me company?” He spoke, huskily. You could tell he had just woken up. Sleep still clouded his eyes, and the yawn he tried to stifle gave him away. You appreciate what he was trying to do, so instead of calling the man out, you opened the door, and welcomed the Super Soldier in.

You talked for hours that night. He didn't ask about your nightmare, which you appreciated. You had recited the images to Shuri about thirty times in the past week. It was the only memory that seemed to come back. It replayed over and over on a continuous loop through your mind. This moment with Bucky was a welcomed break.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” You finally spoke. Bucky and you had found your way onto your bed at some point. His right arm draped around your shoulder, as you leaned on his chest. He cracked his neck to look down at you.

“Of course.” He offered, shifting onto his side so he could really look at you.

“Does it ever stop? I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is sleep but I- I'm so scared. I don’t want to see it again… What if it never-” Your voice broke off, shutting your eyes tight to stop a tear from escaping.

“Hey, hey. You're not alone anymore. Remember? I went through it and came out the other side. And look how well adjusted I am.” Bucky smirked, sarcasm laced his last remark. You couldn't help but smile at that. You didn't know if anyone but you and Steve really knew how funny he was. Maybe he liked it that way. Maybe he was only that way with you? You knew it had been awhile since Bucky had really been this way around others. It warmed your heart how quickly the two of you got along.

“Listen to me, doll.” He started, seriously, lowering his stare to meet yours.

“I’ll be here. Whenever you need me. I know what it's like, to feel out of control. To feel like a prisoner in your own body. To answer your question, yeah I think it gets better. I mean,” He paused then, looking you up and down in a way that made you blush. He started again, words laced with that old Brooklyn charm the ladies used to love. Granted, that worked back in 1940 - something and he had been out of the game for quite a while.

“I’m in bed with a smart, complicated, frankly beautiful dame. I’d say it gets better, wouldn't you?” He gently tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear. His touch sent shivers down your spine. Bucky's stormy eyes bore into yours making your breath hitch in your throat. There was a moment, so brief that when you recanted the memory you weren't sure it really happened. But you thought maybe for just a second he wanted to-  

“Up and at it, Y/n! Training starts at 0700!” Caps voice droned through your bedroom door suddenly, knocking you out of your thoughts and back to the bed you resided on. Your hand reached out for Bucky, who since that night spent most beside you. He would stay with you until you fell asleep and more often than not, when you woke, he’d be beside you, fast asleep. His side of the bed was cold, however. He had been up for a while.

You looked at your phone on the nightstand. 6:15 am it read. You groaned, rubbing your hands over your face and slinking out of bed. Pain screamed from your muscles as you opened the bathroom door. Carefully, you started the shower, steam quickly filled the room and calmed your aching bones. You stepped in and autobly signed.

Fifteen minutes later you met the rest of the team in the kitchen. You couldn't help but notice Bucky wasn't in attendance. Everyone looked like they had been awake for hours while your wet hair was pulled up in a messy knot on top of your head. Nat was pouring herself a cup of coffee when she noticed you come in. She smirked, instantly grabbing another mug and gesturing to the pot in her hands. You nodded quickly. ‘Coffee fixed most everything’. That's what Your Dad used to tell you before he left for work and you lived by that.

“Look who's finally up…” Cap announced. You had no idea how he was so chipper in the mornings. Even the sound of his booming voice made you cringe. The man must have coffee running through his veins. Maybe that should be Hydra’s next serum idea…

“I have risen. Just for you, Rogers.” You muttered sarcastically, taking the mug of coffee from Nat. You smiled and mouthed thank you, taking a big swig. Ugh, you grimaced, swallowing the brown substance much to your dismay. You didn't know what this brown water was but it definitely wasn't coffee.

Wanda laughed at your disgusted face, "It's decaf, Y/n '' she rolled her eyes, "Cap thinks decaf is better for the team. That coffee will mess with our 'performance' or whatever." She shrugged. What's even the point? You thought.

“Excuse me young lady.” Cap began, scolding Wanda like she was his teenager. Wanda smirked, turning towards his voice.

“Young lady?” Nat mocked her friend, nudging him out of the way as she reached for the piece of toast she had put in the toaster. She took a bite and over chews laughed, “You're really aging yourself, Cap.” She finished, hoisting herself up onto the kitchen island beside you.

You really liked Natasha. You thought she must have been the most beautiful person you'd ever met. Her red hair always curled around her soft features perfectly. You honestly didn't know how a human could look that perfect and be so deadly. Over the past few weeks, Nat had taught you a lot. You mostly trained with Captain Rogers and Wanda, but occasionally Nat would step in. She was small in stature, but she helped you learn how to use that to your advantage.

“What’cha say we go get some real coffee, babe?” Nat nudged you with a small smile. You looked up at her with a wide eye gaze. She truly was a hero.

“God, yes please.” You beamed as she jumped off the island.

“If you're skipping out on training then count me in! I” Wanda chimed.  Rogers looked frustrated as the three of you started towards the door.

“Nat, you heard what Shuri said. Y/n cannot leave the premises until we know what she's fully capable of. She’s dangerous.” Cap stated firmly, but unmoved from the kitchen. You looked at the floor uncomfortably. He was right. You were a ticking time bomb. You all knew it. Shuri explained with the presence of the nightmares it was only a matter of time before something snapped. And no one really knew how that would look when it happened. For the most part, everyone treated you like a normal person. An honorary member of the team. But Rogers often reminded you that you were anything but. Just an experiment and a means to an end.

"Comeon' y/n. I know a place we can get some real coffee."  Nat spoke, louder than Cap. Venom seeped from her words as she glared at the Captain. She shook her head disapprovingly. Wanda took your hand, pulling you gently out of the kitchen. When you touched you felt your skin sizzle, absorbing the power that surged through her body. You made a conscious effort to steady your breathing and push her power to the back of your mind. As you left you heard Natasha’s booming voice coming from behind you but decided to ignore it, as the two of you headed for the garage.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Steve?” Nat snapped at him. Steve opened his mouth and closed it trying to find the right words. “She’s a person, you ass! You can't keep treating her like some unhinged science experiment. She’s just a person. Just like me. Just like Bucky.”

“She’s nothing like Bucky!” He thundered. Nat took a step back, snaking her head disapprovingly. “I can’t keep thinking, what if we had it wrong. I mean, she can’t remember anything. What if her memories come back and she's not really on our side. I don't think we thought this through, Nat.” He huffed, running his hands over his face in frustration.

“I trust her, Steve. Bucky trusts her.” She started, taking a few steps closer to him. He shook his head in annoyance and scoffed.

“Bucky thinks the girl’s a doll. He’s totally smitten, that doesn't count. I think the guy would trust anything she said at this point-”

“Do you trust me?” Nat snapped, a brow arched, hands on her hips. Stever huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You know I do, but-” He began.

“Then it's settled. You gotta’ let the girl out. She's been locked up here for weeks. I promise, I’ll keep her safe. Besides, I’m getting pretty tired of her stealing my clothes. Coffee, and shopping and then we’ll be back, yeah?” Nat offered, voice dripping with sweetness. She knew she had won this battle. She always did.

“Two hours, Romanoff. That's all you get.” Steve grumbled. Nat smirked, rolling her eyes and spinning on her heel to meet you and Wanda in the garage.

“See ya later, Grandpa. Don't wait up.” She offered over her shoulder. Steve only shook his head and chuckled, hoping desperately he hadn't made a huge mistake.

Nat strutted victoriously out of the kitchen, and almost ran right into Bucky's large frame. She stumbled back, regaining her balance quickly. Bucky raised one brow curiously.

“Where ya’ going in such a hurry?” He asked, watching her carefully.

“I’m taking your girl out for a much needed shopping trip. Anything particular you'd like to see her in?” She quipped, sarcastically, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Bucky choked on a cough, clearing his throat and trying to turn it into a laugh. He failed, of course.

“I- ah, I don't know what- uh, what?” He finally got out. Nat smirkled, and patted him on his stiff chest. It was literally too easy. The man was such a ball of stress. Nat thought it was honestly cute. She’s never seen Bucky like this before. Nervous and blushing. She thought you were really good for him. Maybe you’ll finally take that stick out of his ass. She thought with a smirk.

“Have a nice day, Sergeant.” She cooed, pushing past his rigid body leaving Bucky in shock.

“You ready, babies?” Nat grinned, putting the key in the Jeep’s ignition. You sat in the back seat while Wanda sat in the passenger, both nodding vigorously.

“For the love of coffee!” You shouted, pointing forward. Both women laughed and with that you took off.

……………………...

You practically skipped through the Wakanda market. Beautiful earthy colours melted into the scenery practically taking your breath away. Wanda and Nat had stopped at a small coffee shop, but you wandered around, looking at the beautiful handmade clothing. The smoky smell of something cooking from a nearby street grill filled your senses. It was complex, sweet and spicy and sour all at once. It made your mouth water. Foreign and delicious. You followed the smell to a small hutch where people gathered around, eating and laughing.

“Beautiful isn't it? How food brings us all together.” A man spoke beside you. You recognized him as T’Challa, Shuri’s older brother and also the man who is letting you and your new friends stay in Wakanda. You had only really met him in passing, but never really spoke. Bucky always describes him as a kind, gracious friend. You smiled up at him.

“It is… Really beautiful.” You repeated.

“How are you liking Wakanda, Y/n?” He asked. His voice was deep and rich. Almost melodic. Just by speaking he had commanded the attention of the people around you. The new eyes on the two of you made you feel uneasy and small, but you took a deep breath and relaxed yourself.

“It's so gorgeous here. Thank you for having me, T’Challa.” You spoke his name and it made him smile. You froze unsure if that was the right thinking to call him. He was the King, sort of, but Bucky had always referred to him by his given name.

“Breath, my friend. You have nothing to fear here. You are with good people. Your friend Bucky speaks very highly of you. And any friend of the Sergeants is a friend of mine.” He voiced, placing a warm hand on your shoulder as you relaxed. From behind him you could see Nat and Wanda walking towards you. Wanda waved chaotically making you smile.

An old beat-up SUV made a loud popping noise as it pulled up somewhere behind you. The noise made you shudder. The familiar sound of gunshots rang through your ears as you grabbed your head, trying to make the noise stop. You looked to T’Challa who seemed only concerned, reaching out a hand to steady you.

“Is everything okay, Y/n?” He spoke, trying to gage what was wrong by your actions. The loud deady blows echoed through your head, unrelenting as a scream erupted through the crowd. You weren't sure if you had made the noise of if it was someone else. Everything seemed to fade away and your vision became blurry.

“Y/n, Y/n! Can you hear me?!” You heard a woman yell over the crowd. You tried to focus on her voice, but it was too late. Everything suddenly went black and you felt your body go numb.

You woke up in the dark cement room that plagued your nightmares. A man's eerie voice echoed off the walls.

“Еще раз!” Again! He shouted. Usually when you relieved these memories you didn't know what the man was saying.  But for some reason, this time your brain was translating for you. You didn’t question it as you looked around the room. You felt your body scream as an excruciating electric shock ripped through you. Tears burned down your face as you begged incoherently for it to stop. As fast as it came on, the shock stopped, and you could breathe again.

“Ты сама во всем виновата, дитя мое.” You brought this on yourself, my child. The man cooed, wiping a bead of sweat that ran down your forehead. You winced at his touch, the feeling of him on you making you nauseous.

“Если бы ты только сделал то, о чем тебя просили. Если бы вы только слушали. Может быть, все было бы по-другому, хотя я сомневаюсь в этом.” If only you had done what you were asked. If only you have listened. Maybe things would be different, though, I doubt it. He spat, chuckling as he motioned for the other outside of view to start again.

“Please, don’t do this, Zemo. Обещаю. Возьми мою память. Заставь меня забыть, только не делай этого.” I promise. Take my memory. Make me forget, just don't do this. You begged. You tried to move your arms but they were secured down. The man only laughed at your feeble attempt, building a rage inside of you.

“Oh, don't you worry, мой ребенок. All in due time. When I’m done with you, you won't remember your own name.” He grinned a crooked smile as the machine you laid in whirled on again, sending a volt of electricity through your body. You clenched your teeth and stifled another scream.

Your eyes burst open, scolded by the sun and the tears that now streamed down your face. Gasping for air you tried to sit up, but your body shrieked with pain. On your left Nat sat beside you, Wanda was on your right holding a phone to her ear yelling something you couldn't quite make out.  Your breath slowly began to return and the sunspots in your vision cleared. You looked around, the market was now almost empty but the small street grill was now billowing with smoke and flame. Nat helped you up, body still aching. You looked around, horrified by the mess that was once the lively market.

“Are you okay, Y/n” Nat started, her hands on either side of your arms. You blinked at her, terrified.

“What happened?” You asked, horrified to actually know the answer. She gave you a nervous look and tucked a loose hair behind her ear.

“It wasn't your fault, Y/n. No one was hurt, everyone got out. It’s going to be okay.”

“It most certainly is not going to be okay!” Captain Rogers' voice boomed from behind the three of you. Wanda spun around startled, while you just hung your head low. Whatever lashing he was going to give you, you deserved. It couldn't be any worse than what Zemo had done…  You paused, eyes a gape.

“Oh my God.” You gasped, alerting the others. Steve looked at her angrily, impatient for your next words.

“I remember something… I think- I think I remember who did this to me.” You choked out, eyes glassy as you remembered for the first time the man who made you a monster.

................................

A/N: Thank you for reading! Hope all have a great weekend! As always, feel free to leave me feedback! My inbox is always open!

@projectcampbell​