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amandacanwrite · 11 months ago

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The Violet Thread of Fate ||

Reluctant Mentor Gale x Unskilled Wizard F!Tav

Length || About 4,000 Words

POV || Dual Narration, Third Person

Warnings || Descriptions of viscera, age gap (about ten years, both adults)

Summary || After waking up on the craggy shoreline of the sword coast, Elinna and Gale reunite with a new common ground.

A/n || I am feeling sort of on the fence about Gale's eagerness in his attraction to Elinna, but I also feel like it's still at least somewhat in character for him--after all in any playthrough you can wind up being blindsided by his feelings for you since he is usually so subtle about his affections. I also just think it's so fun to get the internal narration of Gale's attraction. He always seems so put together, polite and proper. I just love to see a man precariously balancing his carnal desires with his conscience and desire to be a good man. I hope you like it, I know things feel a little slow right now, but I'm planning on taking some creative liberties in the next couple parts. Please also lemme know what you think if you read it! I am absolutely tinkerbell and need the dopamine to live

Chapter Two: A Nightmare, An Awakening

Read Part One Here • Join Tag List Here

A Nightmare

Elinna thought she had died; thought the disintegration of her bodily form was the end of her short, unremarkable life. Much to her surprise, though when her vision once again returned to her she realized she had merely been spirited away somehow.

It took a few moments for her eyes to properly focus. When they finally did, she almost wished that the contact with the tentacle had killed her. It would have been far preferable to where she had wound up.

She found herself locked in a great chitinous pod, looking through smeared membranous glass at what she could only suppose was the nautiloid she had tried to escape from.

Yes…death would have been a far preferable fate to becoming a mindless thrall on a mindflayer ship. As she squinted through the clear panel in front of her and saw what appeared to be a brain walking on four spindly limbs, she realized that her fate could be even worse than regular enthrallment.

The minutes she spent entrapped in the pod felt like hours. A miserable limbo of wondering what would be coming next for her. What if she was already marked for turning into an intellect devourer? What if the enthrallment had already been put in place and she could simply be ordered to do something whenever a mindflayer so wished it?

She couldn’t just stay here. She had to move.

She tried, in vain, to wrench her arms free of the fleshy brindings within the pod. The sinuous tendrils only tightened more and more, leaving her fingertips throbbing and tingling from the blood flow being cut off. She tried to move her feet next and her boots sloshed in some sort of viscera at the base of the pod. She did her best not to vomit as the viscera eked some ichorous fluid into the fibers of her clothing and through the porous leather of her soft-soled shoes.

The last thing she needed in addition to all of this was to be covered in the contents of her own stomach–empty as it was.

The shock of panic cinched tight around her ribcage, making it hard to breathe. And as she struggled to get her lungs to fill, she also struggled to think.

“Calm down, Elinna,” she told herself. “Think about what you’ve read. Think about what you know.”

What did she know about Illithids? They were hivemind organisms. They required high-moisture, high-humidity environments to protect the mucosal membranes of their skin. They primarily fed on the brains of their prey and used psionic energy not only to fight but to control their biomechanical machinery.

She craned her head forward to look for some sort of control panel–something that could get her out of this cocoon of horror.

As she did, a valve-like door opened on the far side of the room, revealing a dizzying network of corridors. And…and one of them. A mind flayer.

Elinna went dizzy as her heart thumped in her temples. She watched in horror and sickly anticipation as it levitated toward something in the center of the room; a cistern of sorts from what she could see. It waved a four-fingered hand and the vessel opened, revealing a golden, glowing brine pool that may have been beautiful if Elinna didn’t know precisely what it was.

The mindflayer coaxed one of those disgusting tadpoles out of the amber liquid and levitated over to Elinna’s pod. She recoiled away from it as the pod opened, turning her face away from the creature and squeezing her eyes shut. She knew exactly how mindflayers reproduced, and she was not interested in getting a first hand experience with ceremorphosis.

She didn’t have much of a choice, though. Even without the parasite, the illithid was able to compel her to stillness.

It was an atrocious violation of her agency; surreal and nightmarish in the worst ways. Her mind was fully intact as the creature made her muscles release the tension they held and coerced her eyes to open. Her body was still and calm, but her heart was racing like a trapped rabbit’s. She watched uselessly as the tiny creature floated closer to her. She cried to cry out as it latched onto the orb of her eye and started to wriggle and squirm until it could find purchase beneath her eyelid.

She was silent. Infuriatingly, horribly silent as the creature continued to burrow its way into her skull.

Her pulse hammered in her ears as she screamed inside her own body, begging herself to fight, to tear her own eye out rather than let the process of ceremorphosis take place.

But her body was still as the tiny parasite worked its way into her eye socket and back into her brain.

Elinna lost consciousness as she felt the unsettling pressure of her brain matter being displaced to accommodate her unwelcome guest.

When she awoke next, she didn’t immediately know where she was. She only knew that it was loud and it was cold. The sound of air ripping past her pointed ears is what brought her back into full consciousness, and though her eyes were open, she wasn’t actually seeing at first.

There was a vast expanse of stars above her, the smell of salty air, the lingering cling of something far more acrid–like the smell of burnt sulfur woven into her clothes.

She tried to parse what was going on, it felt like she was sinking into the ocean–but if that were the case, shouldn’t she not be able to breathe?

Then she saw the burning wreckage of the Nautiloid and everything came back to her.

The travel to Waterdeep, the encounter with Mr. Dekarios, the parasite and…

And she was falling through the sky!

“Not again!” she cried as she stared at the ground rising to meet her with startling velocity. “No, no, no! I will not–This is not how I die!”

It didn’t go very well the last time, but it wasn’t as if she had any other ideas of what to do. She scoped out the approaching shoreline, selecting one spot and earmarking it. After choosing a point on a craggy cliffside, she shut her eyes and tried to gulp in a breath before it was whipped out of her mouth.

“Inveniam Viam!” she shouted.

That strange, surreal feeling of not moving, yet being in a different place came again, only this time it was followed very quickly by the feeling smashing into the ground beneath her, square onto her back. It wasn’t a far drop, perhaps only a few feet, but it was enough to hurt her. She blinked up at the sky above her, the glow of the stars somewhat dampened by the flaming wreckage of the nautiloid as it loudly crashed into the earth just a few moments after her.

She ached as she stood and looked out over the cliffside she’d misty stepped to, seeing the vast expanse of an unfamiliar coast crawling with intellect devourers and the blazing with fires choking out great plumes of black smoke. She dropped to her knees, feeling utterly defeated.

She had no idea where she was. She had no money. No food. Not even a change of clothes with her. She didn’t even know where she was–and she knew she was more than a little directionally challenged.

Her keepers at The Scribes Nest had told her not to leave; had warned her that there were dangers in the world. That she couldn’t hope to survive on the knowledge she’d amassed from books alone. That the lives of wizards often ended in folly.

She knew this, of course. She’d read extensively about every wizard she could find and more than half of them were done in by their own curiosity.

But the ones who hadn’t been rendered themselves undone…they were amazing. Elminster and Blackstaff. Lorroikan and Sammaster. Karsus and Dekarios.

Wait….

Gale Dekarios–he’d been touched by the tentacles, too!

And if she hadn’t died, then that meant he probably hadn’t either. If she could find him, if she could just appeal to him for one favor…maybe he could help her get back to Waterdeep. Maybe she would have an opportunity to prove to him that she could be a good apprentice; that she was worth the trouble of taking on as a student. Maybe he would know how to get rid of the tadpole squirming in her brain.

But none of that would happen if she just sat there on her knees and despaired.

She would need to get back up and put one bloody boot in front of the other.

She would have to be brave and she would have to trust that Mystra would guide her to what came next.

An Awakening

Hells…it just had to be a pocket dimension that saved him, didn’t it?

They were tricky little things–a slice of wild magic that functioned like an oubliette; a place to put things to be forgotten, or to be summoned at a different point in time. He’d used a few in his time, but never for more than storage during travel or to hide the occasional failed potion. He’d thought once that he might use one when it was clear that the orb would no longer be sated by the magic artifacts he consumed; discussed the idea with Tara before she requested not to speak of it until necessary.

“I don’t like think of that eventuality, Mr. Dekarios,” Tara had said to him. “I know I tend to be pragmatic…but it makes me far too sad.”

“Focus,” he scolded himself as he looked around the darkened pocket. He needed to find an opening–or at least find a way to make one, failing that.

It was a mistake that he’d even ended up in one in the first place. A mistake that stemmed from the first mistake when he’d tried to help that girl.

If he’d had any sense, he would have let her run and gone straight to help his mother and make sure Tara would be okay. He could only hope that they were still safely nestled at his childhood home in Waterdeep. At least he’d not seen either of them during his wanderings about the ship.

But then the spelljammer had lurched and started falling out of the sky, and he’d grabbed onto the strongest strand of weave he could find and followed it here. The unfortunate side of that, of course, was that the strength of that thread is precisely what made this particular pocket realm exceedingly hard to get out of. And the parasite so rudely deposited into his brain was not doing wonders for his ability to concentrate.

He held his hands up and closed his eyes, attempting to feel out the strands of weave in this darkened place. Wherever he’d been transported to, it felt very far away from Mystra indeed. Like whatever reality he’d blipped into was one almost entirely devoid of magic at all.

He focused a bit harder, the tadpole in his head wriggling with the effort. He continued to focus, trying not to think too hard about the unnerving sensation. Finally, with some challenge, he managed to pool some magic together. It felt similar to trying to collect enough morning dew on a leaf to drink.

There came a crackle, then a tear. Not nearly large enough to fit himself entirely through, but enough that he could get an arm out.

Perhaps with at least one hand in Faerun, he could channel whatever remaining weave he needed to fully escape this dark corner of nothing.

A sheen of perspiration shone on his brow as he felt around outside of the oubliette. He could feel the familiar moisture of coastal air and it sent a wave of relief through him. He wasn’t far from Waterdeep at all, then. Or at least he’d hoped as much.

Perhaps he could just appear on the main road and hurry straight to his mother to make sure that she and Tara were alright.

He was trying to grasp onto the weave when he suddenly felt the soft, almost tentative brush of fingertips on the palm of his hand.

A person! Perfect! There was no better way to anchor a teleportation spell than to another living soul. It would be a little complex to explain that, though, and he was sure a mysterious arm poking out of wherever he could reach was more than a little unnerving so he settled for simplicity instead.

“Hello?!” He called through the tear in the fabric of space and time. “Is anyone there? A hand? Please?”

He felt the hand withdraw for a moment, then it returned with what he assumed was the person’s other hand. One closed tightly around his fingers, the other grasped a bit higher, accompanied by the sensation of fingertips curling into the fabric of his sleeve. Small, gentle hands. Not small enough to be a child–but perhaps a woman.

He closed his eyes once more and took a deep breath, allowing himself to feel the energy of the stranger on the other side of the opening. He tapped into it, smelling the faint, sweetly lactic scent of peaches; tasting on the tip of his tongue the light flavor of…honeyscotch candy. If Mystra’s energy was violet in color…this energy was the color of the sky during sunrise…a gradient of lilac, rose and cerulean.

Pretty… he thought to himself before slamming the heel of his hand to his brow.

Focus you touch-starved buffoon.

“Whatever you’re doing is working wonders!” he said encouragingly. “I think if you just give me a good pull, I should come right out!”

The stranger pulled and he joined that effort by pushing himself through from the other side with what remained of that pooled bit of magic he’d gathered together.

Finally, he flew out of the pocket realm like a cork from a bottle, regrettably landing right on top of the poor woman who had helped him.

He was quick to shift his weight so he didn’t put the entirety of his considerable heft on the poor thing. Yet, his creaky knees slowed him down when it came to properly getting up. Then again…he couldn’t deny a certain reluctance to rise. He hated to admit it, and if anyone ever asked him he would deny it to the grave…but it was pleasant to feel the soft curves of a woman against him. A year was such a long time to be without it, and to feel warmth beneath him again…

It was a lascivious thought not becoming of a gentleman, he remembered, but one that occurred almost automatically much to his chagrin.

“Hells,” he said. “Forgive me miss. I’m usually much better at this–and usually not so long sedentary that my limbs can’t keep up with my manners. Allow me to–”

He lifted himself up onto his elbows and finally laid eyes on his savior.

It was the girl from before. What was the name? Elinna Inklynn.

She stared up at him with wide eyes and a face flushed with exertion. How hard had she needed to work to pull him out of that portal? Seeing her so close now, he picked up on some of the qualities he’d missed in the dim light of the Waterdhavian evening.

A constellation of mauve-tinged freckles dusted across her flushed nose and cheeks. In the daylight, her skin was almost pale pink. The soft swell of her lips sat slightly parted with a look of surprise. And her eyes…my those eyes were something to behold. Verdant as a sprig of mint and flecked with gold as if she had a vein of ore curling through the irises of her eyes.

“A-allow me to help you up,” he finally stammered. “You’re not hurt are you?”

“Not by you,” she said somewhat breathlessly.

He grunted slightly as he got back onto his feet, now allowing himself to think of the way her soft curves shifted beneath him. He reached a hand down and helped her back up to her feet as well, dusting off her theadbare apron and her slightly puffed sleeves. She was still flushed–perhaps dehydration or fever…or…

“You haven’t happened to have been on the receiving end of a rather unwelcome insertion in the ocular region, have you?” he asked.

The flush could be a sign of the beginning stages of ceremorphosis.

“I couldn’t have phrased it more repellently myself,” Elinna replied.

“No use sugarcoating it, is there?” he asked with a smirk. “I don’t suppose you know what these little passengers will cause if left to their own devices?”

“Ceremorphosis,” she answered without missing a beat. “At least–if we don’t get it handled in a few days…”

Well, color him surprised.

It wasn’t very often that ceremorphosis was talked about among the common man–it was even hard to find books detailing the finer details of the process. The girl may have been a poor magician, but she was clearly learned.

“Suffice to say, it is a process that should be avoided,” he said.

“Agreed,” she said.

It occurred to him that she was behaving…a bit stiff; almost aloof. The young woman he’d encountered in front of his tower had a bit more fire to her than this one did. Then again, they’d just gone through quite the harrowing experience. Both of them were covered in mysterious viscera, they’d been taken hostage on a mindflayer ship and well–the poor girl did just have a strange older man on top of her.

The girl bit down on her lower lip and he found his eyes unconscionably glued to her mouth. She released her lower lip and he watched as the pale pink color returned to it, wondering idly what it would feel like to–

“Are we just—are we just going to pretend that I didn’t beg you to take me on as an apprentice and that you quite sumerilly told me to bugger off?” she asked. “Are we just going to be compatriots now?”

He blinked down at her, his mind catching up with her words.

Good gods, he really was behaving like a lech. He didn’t know where this was coming from. Perhaps it was an undocumented symptom of ceremorphosis–this…uncommon desire he was feeling.

Or maybe he was just, well, desperate.

“Well, I take umbrage with that analysis. I don’t believe I told you to bugger off…At least not verbatim. I do try to not be a miserable ass,” Gale said a bit sheepishly. “But I hasten to point out that we do have a shared problem now–some common ground we didn’t have before. It seems wasteful to part ways at a juncture such as this, don’t you think?”

He looked around in the early morning daylight and frowned realizing that he didn’t recognize anything. “I certainly don’t know the area after all, and judging by the history you disclosed with me, you likely don’t either.”

“Well…no, I don’t. Aside from Waterdeep I’ve not been anywhere other than the Moonshae Islands.” she said.

“And you seem to not have a very strong sense of location judging by our time in the alleyways,” he pointed out.

“That’s true…so then… does that mean you’ll do it?” she asked. “You’ll take me on as your student?”

He grimmaced.

“No,” he said with not a moment’s hesitation. “Not a student–an ally. An equal. It’s best that we tackle this issue together, don’t you think? It makes no sense to travel separately when our searching will likely lead us to the same places. And besides that…”

Besides that, if he started to change into a mindflayer, he wanted to be sure he had someone nearby who could…put him out of his misery and get his body somewhere safe before it leveled a city.

“But I could be more helpful if you teach me,” she pleaded. “I’d just be a liability without your help.”

“I have seen your magic,” Gale said with a bit of a teasing gaze. “And I don’t know if there is much I can do for someone who casts Misty Step with their eyes closed. It seems you’d be more of a liability with the magic than without.”

She blinked up at him like he’d grown a second head.

“Oh, please,” he said. “You must know that it’s a spell that requires a clear line of sight.”

She shrank a bit. “I…didn’t know. No,” she said.

“How could you not know such a thing? You must have read a scroll to learn the incantation,” he said.

“I mean this with the utmost respect, but when is the last time you’ve read a scroll, Mr. Dekarios?”

He inhaled, lifting an index finger. Then he closed his mouth and looked off to the side.

When was the last time? It must have been ages.

“Well,” she said without waiting for his answer. “Most spell scrolls assume a certain basis of classical training, or at minimum an innate understanding of how to channel the weave.”

“I see,” he said. “I’m to assume you’re not a sorceress then?”

“Not to my knowledge,” she said with a sigh.

He clenched his jaw as he looked down at the younger woman. Gods, she really did need a teacher. Maybe he could at least talk to her about theory–or give her a few simple exercises for manipulating the–

No. No.

He had more than enough on his plate without adding a poorly self-taught mage to it.

“Elinna,” he said. “Tell you what. I have a deal to offer–a concession if your like. If we make it through this and…make it out of wherever we are and back to Waterdeep, I promise I will introduce you to some colleagues that will help you get your start as a novice wizard. How does that sound? Fair?”

To his great surprise, she still looked disappointed by that answer. The girl really was an ambitious thing–coming right to his tower to seek his tutelage and no one else's? The poor girl had no idea what she was trying to sign herself up for; a depressed, anti-social, explosive wizard. A depressed, anti-social, explosive and impatient wizard. As far as teachers went, he was not the best candidate for the job.

“Alright,” she finally said. “Let’s see if we can go find a healer together…or maybe some other survivors…of a bath.”

“Oh, to find a bath,” Gale agreed. “Ah, but–before you think you’re journeying with most ill mannered a man–”

Gale gave the young woman a slight bow. “Thank you for pulling me out of that stone.”

When he stood up to his full height again, the young woman was smiling at him, her pretty viridian eyes crinkling at the edges. She tucked a pale copper strand of hair behind one of her delicately pointed ears and looked a bit sheepishly down the craggy shore.

“Ah–it’s almost a dead end over here–I think there might be more ground to cover if we cross through the wreckage…but I didn’t want to do that on my own,” she said.

“A wise choice, I think,” Gale said. “No telling what you would have run into. Not to imply that you can’t hold your own, of course–”

“No, you’re right,” she said, looking away from him a little timidly. “I’ll feel better with you there–it’s nice to have a friend.”

He huffed a soft breath and found himself smiling at how willing she was to call him her friend. Even after all the ways he had been a bit of an oaf to her, he felt in her he had found a bit of a kindred spirit. Someone else who sought camaraderie in perhaps…unworthy places.

She looked up at him and bit the swell of her lower lip again. “Shall we go then?” she asked him.

He gestured to the road ahead. “After you,” he said with a magnanimous smile. “Consider me your ever faithful guard dog, ready at the first sign of trouble.”

She snorted a little laugh and shook her head.

And as he followed after her, for the first time in the last year, he hoped the pang in his chest was because of the orb.

Taglist || @auroraesmeraldarose @thoughts-of-bear @cherifrog @puckprimrose @drabblesandimagines

#writing #authors #writeblr #my writing #bg3 #romantasy #writers on tumblr #writing community #bg3 fanfic #gale fanfic #gale headcannons #gale x tav #student x teacher #professor! gale #Gale dekarios #dekarios clan #violet thread of fate

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sailorplanet1997 · 19 days ago

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is it just me who consider Tinkerbell and Vidia lucky?

i also mentions Vidia because she almost died not just once but twice during the rescue mission (the mud and the jar) and she was with Tinkerbell the whole times untill Tinkerbell was discovered by Lizzy...Vidia stayed behind a little longer untill Tink got put in a cage (i'm surprised none of them became weak after Lizzy's dad told Lizzy fairies don't exist)

and Tinkerbell is being Tinkerbell as you can speak who can be a little too curious and break the laws/rules to make herself feel better (changing her talent, her invention stuff no one did before, asking for more pixie dust against the rules, the humans, crossing the border) not a surprise

she managed to stay hidden from Lizzy's dad and yet still turned out to be good (and Tinkerbell heard a few times how Lizzy's dad still don't believe in fairies and tells Lizzy to do the same) she only got discovered by Lizzy's dad the moment Vidia almost arrived except Tinkerbell was so done hidding herself from him so she kind of choose to expose herself to him, i'm sure Vidia heard the whole thing what Tinkerbell have said to him because she entered the room right after that

Tinkerbell is so lucky despite being the target she didn't got captured because Vidia stepped in exactly on time, protecting Tinkerbell she got captured instead knowing she took a huge risk being seen by the humans too (i admit i'm surprised coming from Vidia she choose the others over herself to save the day but on her point of view even for her it's becoming way too far to kill something or someone off just because you don't like them based on how she looked at the butterflies like that which got killed and watched helplessly how Tinkerbell got chased by a cat so i'm relieved she isn't how i thought she turned out to be, she was rather more worried about Tinkerbell's well-beings than the actual mess or herself, she can't forgive herself if anything bad happens to Tinkerbell so it looks like she'll choose Tink's life before herself) Tinkerbell risked her own life to save Vidia by stopping the car from working so Vidia got saved just in time (i'm not surprised Tinkerbell risks herself for something or someone to save the day but i was surprised about her wanting to save Vidia from the humans respectively after how Vidia treated Tinkerbell at first but Tink must have changed her mind about Vidia after seeing her in action to discover Vidia was right the whole time)

so they both should consider themselves lucky they survived from the humans

i've saw a fanfic story based on this with the interractions between the fairies and the humans based on the past before the main characters were born and it's very sad because in that story its said that fairies never return back to fairy camp once they interract with the humans or after visiting the humans house so my guess (despite being written by the Tinkerbell fan) is the fairies have like died from disbelief or getting trapped and dies after that and in one of the deleted scene from the 3rd movie it's seen that a child discovers a fairy and want to take a picture of it but everybody tried to go after a fairy to kill it off and i think that tree was one of the fairies camp, something fell off it caused a fire there, the last part is a fact (otherwise we wouldn't have the deleted scene) and the first one is my guess...so looking back it actually make sense why Vidia did what she had to do to stay Tinkerbell out from troubles

and in my opinion Vidia isn't completely a failure because she prevented what Tinkerbell was possibly trying to do so thankfully it was just Tinkerbell and Vidia getting trapped by the humans (Tink asked for it and Vidia got trapped by sacrificing her own life for Tinkerbell doing the right thing and be a hero for a change) unlike the past with other fairies that possibly never survived it from the humans (otherwise the rule wouldn't exist about not visiting the humans) Tinkerbell and Vidia survived from the humans and all because they saved each others lives (as for Tinkerbell her mistakes got the best of her, all the more reasons she survived it all)

i doubt Tinkerbell and Vidia would have become friends in different circumstances so after the rescue mission was over, it brought them together and becomes friends instead too (as it was seen in the epilogue scene)

if anything happens Vidia is like an older sister to Tinkerbell since she's still looking out for her in further movies

#vidia #tinkerbell #disney fairies #disney

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bruhhhh-huhhhhh · 1 year ago

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Hi! May ai request a GN reader x Glamrock freddy?

The scenario is that maybe both of them have a lil picnic + a movie day. Since Freddy cant really go out of the pizzaplex, maybe let the reader explain the outside world too?

Please take your time!

YESSSS I LOVE HIM THANK YOU

It's a late as hell and a little short, sorry!

A Little Date

You really, really wished that Freddy could go outside with you. It’d make your relationship a lot easier.

Alas, he wasn’t. But that wasn’t too big of an issue considering the fact that you worked at the Pizza Plex, so you were able to sneak things in or stay overnight as much as you wanted. Just as long as you behaved and didn’t make a mess you were fine.

Which leads you to now. You had asked Freddy to run errands around the plex so you were undisturbed in his room. He hadn’t questioned it, just assuming you needed some alone time after work.

What he didn’t know was that you were setting up a picnic for the two of you to enjoy for the night. You even bought a light that put stars on the room so you could pretend that you were outside. You also set up a projector for the two of you to watch some of your favorite movies on.

It didn't take long for Freddy to come back from the final task of the night that you had him run. You knew it'd be a short one, but that's what you needed. You just wanted to make a few finishing touches and make sure that everything was perfect.

"Y/n? I'm back! Sadly, the technician went home for the night, so I could not ask him to..." Freddy trailed off when he saw the way that you transformed his room. "Uh, y/n? What happened?"

Gently, you pulled him out of the doorway and into the room. "Ta da! I put together a picnic and movie night!" You said as you sat down on the blanket that you laid down.

Freddy followed, sitting awkwardly next to you. This was new to him. "What is a...picnic?" he asked.

"Oh! It's when someone or someones go out and eat food. Typically it's done outside, but I worked with what we got." To demonstrate your point, you turned the lights off and turned on the star light that you bought. Freddy watched, fascinated, as they spun. You couldn't help but laugh. "It's cool, right?"

"I've...never seen the stars before. I don't think, at least."

"That's alright, big guy. I'll show them to you at some point. Now, do you wanna watch Scream or Tinkerbell first?'

#bean writes #glamrock freddy x reader #fnaf x reader #fnaf sb #fnaf security breach #fnaf sb x reader #fnaf glamrock freddy #glamrock freddy

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preciouslittletoonette · 2 years ago

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I've watched a few YouTube reviews of Return to Neverland in the past (spoiler alert all but maybe one or two were being a tad unfair towards it I'm so sorry RTN baby you deserve better no one gets you like I get you <3). And one question that pops up a lot that got me thinking and since I'm posting a lot more Peter in the last 2 days than usual, I figured I'd address the question.

The question is: If flying was really the only way out of Neverland, why couldn't Peter just carry her through the second star and take her back home himself?

And that, to my annoyance, was a pretty valid question to be asking.

Why didn't Peter just carry her back to London?

The first obvious answer to me is that if he did that, there'd be no story. That's the outside world answer.

The in-universe answer was lost on me, until now.

Thinking and confronting the revelation of Peter's character development from the 1st movie to JATNP to the movie sequel and beyond made me look further deeper into the story of Return to Neverland and made me look at Peter and Jane's interactions in a new light. And finally after what has been months of this question haunting the back of my brain, I finally have something close to a concrete answer that I am very satisfied with.

Why didn't Peter just take Jane back to London himself?

It's because he's noticed that there's something else in Jane that's weighing her down that's not just the situation in her family.

One of the bigger but not the biggest pieces of Peter's character that we see got developed and improved was Peter's ability to Read The Room.

In the first movie, he's awful at reading the room. Missing entire social clues and feelings like Wendy's jealousy and anger. In RTN, he catches on to people's feelings rather quickly and can sometimes effectively deal with them (like using Tink's jealousy to his advantage).

In Jane's first escape attempt with the raft, while she's building and checking everything, we see Peter has and is spending a good amount of time watching her very intently. He's so focused on Jane Tink even fails to get his attention. He's busy trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with her. Even while speaking with Jane, he's still trying to figure out what her problem was. He prods, asks invasive questions and watches her body language until he finally figures it out and everything clicks into place.

He sees Jane has lost her faith. Her hope. Her belief. He sees how badly the war has been affecting her and this in tandem was affecting her relationship with her family back home. That's why she wanted to go home so badly. To make things right and apologise. Though yeah, apologising will fix things, it won't get rid of the root of the big problem: which is Jane's lack of faith.

And that's where Peter steps up. He engages with her, banters with her and includes her in on the group. His personal goal is to reignite Jane's faith. And the only way he can see that truly is if Jane is able to fly on her own with pixie dust, which will align with the main goal of helping Jane return home. Even when the stakes get higher and Tinkerbell's life is on the line, Peter still has Jane's best interests at heart by including her into the Lost Boys and letting her let loose in a way she could've never have done back in war-torn London.

And he knows his goal was finally completed the moment he saw her soaring through the sky with the brightest smile on her face, looking at peace. It was then, he knew it was finally time for her to head home back to her mother.

He didn't fight to make her stay because while she's clearly having fun on Neverland, he knows she'll be her happiest back home with Wendy. And if there's one thing Peter wants for all his Lost Boys & Girls (but also especially for the Darlings), it's for them to happy and hopeful.

TL;DR: Peter didn't let Jane leave because he can see she's unhappy and hopeless, so he tries to cheer her up and reignite her hope and once it's reignited, only then does Peter help guide her home.

#peter pan #peter pan return to neverland #peter pan: return to neverland #i love rtn so much can you tell?#i see peter as being Jane's guardian angel/ fairy godparent who's there for her in her time of need #he wants her to be the happiest girl alive #she's his little lost girl and the fact she's Wendy's daughter only strengthens his fondness for her #jane darling #long post #man I'm on a roll with the peter pan posts recently

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bellysoupset · 2 years ago

Note

I know you said that Luke gets the lion's share of attention, but I'd love to see him maybe getting dangerously drunk at a party with the football team and either Vince or Leo calling Jonah in a panic because they don't know whether he needs to go to hospital...

(bonus points if he drunk dials Bella before he's utterly paralytic 👀)

I LOVED this prompt, it kinda caused the entire break up plot to spiral badly. Now we're here, angst fest. This is a part 1.

-------

Vince was not in the mood to play tonight. Not him and certainly not Leo. They had just recovered from their own turn with the flu and to make matters worse Lucas' had been acting completely off since the aforementioned Break Up.

No one dared to say anything about it, but they were all thinking it.

They were playing at home tonight, which was a relief, because it was a freezing night and Vince did not want to add an incredibly inconvenient bus drive on top of the general down mood.

"Hey cap," Vince thumped Lucas' back as he finished strapping his helmet, "everything good?"

"Yes," Lucas answered roughly, pushing the helmet down on his head. Over his shoulder, Leo flinched and Vince smiled at him in sympathy. He waited until his friend marched ahead before approaching the blonde.

"What do you think?" Vince whispered and Leo shrugged, looking every bit as annoyed as Vince felt.

"I think we're going to lose."

"Yeah, me too."

They didn't lose. Nearly did, but not quite. 33 vs 29. Such a game would normally have all of them in a frenzy in the locker room, euphoric even, but not this time around.

Instead, Lucas was the first out of the field, and the first out of the showers, sitting down on the bench to put on his shoes, while the rest of them were still busy arguing with each other and getting rid of the uniform.

Vince didn't expect Lucas to still be around by the time he walked out of the showers. With how incredibly childish and pissy Luke was acting, he expect the man to have left already.

Instead he was still sitting on the bench, humid towel hanging around his neck and still shirtless, the water dripping from his hair. No matter that it had just started to snow and everyone was rushing to get dressed as fast as possible.

"Okay," Vince moved closer, tugging his shirt down, "what's the matter?"

"Uh?" Lucas raised his eyes, seemingly lost and Vince frowned at him, bumping his knee against his friend's.

"What's the matter?"

"Hey Luke," Aidan interrupted Vince's rant, a huge smile on, "we're heading out, you're joining?"

"Yeah," Lucas opened a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, but finally seemed to be startled into moving. He put on the shirt, while Vince raised both eyebrows.

"Where are you going?"

"Celebrate, duh" Mickey slapped his arm, "you wanna join? You can bring Tinkerbell."

"Don't call her that," Vince immediately shut him down, while Leo scooted closer.

"We're going out?" he asked and then very quickly it got out of control and both Leo and Vince were pulled into the partying, even though neither of them were feeling it.

Vince felt completely out of character, being the only sober one sitting on the corner.

"Mikey burped on my face and I nearly threw up," Leo said, slumping down next to him. Maybe not the only sober one, Vince thought, letting out a surprised chuckle.

"We'll just stay an hour and then get the fuck out," he said, leaning back and tugging on his jeans. He had gone down an entire size thanks to the flu, it was annoying as hell to keep pulling on his pants.

Leo grinned, "we could have a beer. Granted I'll probably throw it up, but I don't wanna sulk here in the corner."

Vince rolled his eyes, incredulous, "fuck no. I've been on a liquids only diet all week, I'm not risking it. You go ahead, though."

The blonde shrugged, picking at his nail as they watched their friends have fun. Or something like that, in Luke's case. Whatever he was having didn't seem to be "fun".

"Just one," Leo smiled mischievously and then got up to join them. Vince grinned back at him, thinking the guy was insane for trying his luck like that.

One hour very quickly turned into one and a half when Leo hopped back to the table and dragged him to join the rest of them, exclaiming loudly that just because Vince was going fully sober tonight, it didn't mean he had to pout-

Lucas draped an arm around his shoulders, head nodding along to Leo's giggly speech, "he's right. Sit with us-" then he downed another shot.

"You've got to let loose," Luke said, a dumb smile on, eyes completely dazed, "you've been so pressed this week, calm down."

"I've been sick this week, not pressed," Vince rolled his eyes, shoving Luke away from him in a playful manner.

It was a really cold night and getting colder, even inside the dimly lit pub. They were all packed together for warmth, as Leo explained, downing a shot of tequila that he regretted exactly twenty minutes later, as he lowered his head to Vince's shoulder.

"Nothing is sitting right."

"I'm shocked," Vince chuckled, thumping his back, "just puke it up, you'll feel better."

"Ew, no," Leo shook his head, yawning, "I want to go home, I think I had enough fun."

Same, Vince thought. He had been nursing the same sprite since they arrived and although his mood was a little lighter, he was dead on his feet and wanted to go to sleep.

"Yeah, let's go- Where's Luke?"

"He was doing shots in the back with Spence and Alex...?" his voice trailed off at the end, turned into a question and Vince frowned, looking away from the shitty television behind the bartender, that was displaying a football game, and towards the blonde.

"Leo?"

"Spence?" Leo straightened up, sobering up, "dude- Hey, what's going on?!"

Only then did Vince realize that Spencer was clutching his nose, blood gushing between his fingers, while Alex was holding up a bunch of napkins.

"Lucas'z a duckin'dunt" Spencer groaned, wincing in pain. Vince frowned, looking at Alex for explanations.

"What happened? Where is he?"

"Drunk dialing his girlfriend," Alex scoffed, rolling his eyes, "and crying. We tried to stop him, but he shoved Spencer when he tried to get the phone."

Oh that explained it. Leo exchanged a concerned look with Vince.

"Where is he?"

"Bathroom," Alex rolled his eyes, "you guys think it's broken?"

"No," Leo shook his head, "he'd be in a lot more pain if it was broken."

"Maybe it's time we all call it a night," Vince said, but he didn't really stick around to hear the responses, as he was already walking to the bathroom.

Whatever he expected to find, it certainly wasn't Lucas curled up on a very disgusting bathroom floor.

"Lucas...?" he ran inside, all but skipping to his knees, "Luke, what are you doing on the ground? Lucas, hey!" he shook his friend's shoulder and Lucas let out a groan.

He had vomit on his shirt and blood on his knuckles, all in all a picture of misery. He also didn't seem able to support his head at all, like a baby, "...eave'me-alone," he slurred and Vince's heart picked up.

"Hell no," he cupped Lucas' neck, feeling his rapid heart beat, skin clammy, "Luke, are you just wasted or-"

His shoulders hitched again and more pale yellow puke covered his lap. Lucas seemed too out of it to even feel bad or humiliated by it, all he did was let out another pitiful whine.

"LEO!" Vince shouted, not looking away from his best friend, "LEO!"

"Vin? I'm just calling Spen- What the fuck?!" Leo cut himself immediately as he took in the state Lucas was in. He walked inside the bathroom, crouching down, "Lucas? Luke, hey - Is he conscious?"

"Barely," Vince patted his best friend cheek, "get Jon on the phone!" he bossed, already fishing for his own phone. He struggled to find Wendy's contact, panic making his mind cloudy.

Between them, Lucas let out another groan and dipped dangerously to the side, causing Vince to lurch forward to grab him, patting his cheek again, "Luke, wake up. Stay with me, alright? Open your eyes."

As if actually obeying, Lucas blinked blearily, the fact his eyes were bloodshot making the green stand out scarily.

"Jon!?" Leo squealed to his left, "Jonah, we're at a bar and- And Luke is completely passed out and we don't know what to do-"

"Leo?" Jonah sounded asleep. Vince vaguely tried to think of what hour was it. 1 AM? "Leo, what's going on-"

"Jon," Vince interrupted, as Leo put the call on speaker, "we're in some pub and Luke is wasted. Like actually properly wasted, I- We have no idea what to do."

There was a pause as Jonah collected himself, "is he conscious?"

"Not really, just a little but not responding."

"Okay, if he's awake keep him sitting up, otherwise put him on his side to not choke on his sick," Jonah bossed and then they heard rustling around and the noise suddenly changed. A crowded room.

"He's puked, like a lot-" Leo offered, unhelpfully and Vince rubbed Lucas' arm, trying to keep him awake.

"While conscious?" Jonah asked, his voice muffled by the noise, "were you there?"

"No, we just found him," Vince's heart was in his throat. Had he severely fucked up by letting Luke out of his sight?

"Fuck," Jonah cursed and then his voice changed as they heard him telling the front desk of the hospital, "I need an ambulance to this address- Guys, where are you?"

"Uhm-" Vince struggled to remember, but Leo interrupted him, citing the address perfectly from memory.

"It's not far from the hospital, we're just around the corner of the university..." He added, then sucked in a sob as Lucas groaned and then his eyes rolled back into his head, turning into half moons of white.

"Shit! Leo, move, let's get him lying down-" Vince ushered him, rolling Luke to his side, almost curled up, "is this right? Should we stick something in his mouth so he won't bite his tongue?"

"Is he seizing?" Jonah yelled through the phone, interrupting Vince's worried questions.

"No, but he passed out," Leo answered, planting his fingers to Lucas' neck, "and his heart is really really fast."

"He might have a seizure. Do not hold him or try to stick your fingers in his mouth, or put anything in. All you'll do is choke him," Jonah sounded just as panicked as the rest of them, "check if he's breathing."

"He is, really slow, but he is."

"Alright, just move anything from around him that could potentially hurt hi-"

"Shit," Leo groaned just as Lucas' shuddered on his side and then coughed up another stream of pale vomit, this time all over the blonde's knee next to his head, "he's throwing up again."

"That's good, he's responsive then," Jonah sighed in relief, "three minutes for the ambulance, just stay with him- One of you should go talk with the bartender and see what he drank. Or took."

"Lucas doesn't do drugs," Vince said, defensively and Leo let out a disbelieving scoff.

"He also doesn't get black out drunk, but we're here!"

"I'll go..." Vince said, but didn't move. He couldn't move, "Jonah, is he going to be okay?" he said, voice small. Lucas might be acting like a prick, but he was not ready to lose his best friend. At twenty three? In some dingy pub's floor? No fucking way.

"Vince go check the bottles, the paramedic will need to know when they get there. Leo, check if he's breathing again, make sure it doesn't sound like he's wheezing."

Vince nodded, noticing just how Jonah had refused to answer his question. He got up, stumbling and rushed out of the bathroom.

Much to his relief no drugs had been involved, the bartender spilling the beans the minute Vince said Lucas was passed out and the ambulance would be there in a minute. Just loads and loads of alcohol, so much that the man ended up just writing it all down on a paper napkin, seeing as Vince was shaking too much and too choked up to properly remember any of the names.

"Which one of you is-"

"Vince, Vince," Leo tugged at his sleeve and from the way his nose and eyes were red, it was clear he was and had been crying, "you go. I - I'll just... I'll send the other guys home, I'll meet you there."

"Are you sure?" Vince asked, but he didn't mean it. There was zero chance he was staying behind when his best friend had a group of paramedics lifting him up.

"Yes, go. I'll meet you there," Leo was shaking like crazy, hyperventilating.

Vince nodded, drunkenly chasing after the paramedics and getting in the back part of the ambulance.

"Does he drink frequently?" the paramedic asked him immediately and Vince shook his head.

"No, almost never, actually," he squeezed Luke's hand, while they checked his respiratory vias, "he - He had a bad month, that's all."

"Is he a danger to himself?"

"No," Vince scoffed, "Luke's not dangerous, he's the nicest person I know-"

"No, sir, is he a danger to himself? Do you think the amount of alcohol consumed was purposeful?" the paramedic repeated, stabbing Luke's finger with something that looked like a diabetic device.

"I... I don't know, I don't think so...? No, Luke's not suicidal, no," Vince shook his head, knee deep in denial. He couldn't even wrap his mind around it, but besides just not believing Lucas was suicidal, he didn't believe this was how he'd choose to go, "no, not at all."

"Has he shown any concerning behavior recently?"

"Is he going to be okay?" Vince interrupted, "because you're sounding like- Like he's gonna be arrested or something, he just drank too much too fast. He's fine. He'll be fine, right?"

The paramedic, an older guy whom Vince vaguely remembered from the hospital, opened a small reassuring smile, "we're doing our best."

That was not a fucking answer, Vince scoffed, squeezing Lucas' hand even more tightly, urging him to wake the fuck up. What a mess of a night.

Once they parked, they rushed Lucas inside and ahead of him, but Jonah was already at the doors of ER, in scrubs and looking every piece as wrecked as Vince felt.

"Dr. Cohen is ta-"

Vince shut him up by tackling him into a hug, all of his emotions crashing down on him. He expected Jonah to pull back, but instead he squeezed him a little harder, letting out a measured breath.

"He's all white and... And dead... I- I don't-"

"Vince," Jonah pulled back, tugging on his white lab coat to force some composure, "breathe. Sit down. They're checking him over, there's nothing you can do now."

"Are they... What happens now?" Vince crumbled down on top of a hospital plastic chair, making the seat creak. Jonah shuffled uncomfortably.

"First we need him to wake up. Then we'll keep him for 12 hours on a glycose drip and diazepam."

Vince stared at him and Jonah opened an exhausted smile, "they'll just put him on IVs. It's not as dramatic as on TV... Bella called me."

"What?"

"Apparently she tried calling you too, but... Uhm, Luke called her before you guys found him. Scared the living crap out of her, she's on her way here."

"At... At 1 AM?"

"It's almost 3," Jonah rolled his eyes, wiping a hand over his face, "you should go wash up, you look like a mess. Leo said anything?"

"He should be here in a minute too, he said he'd meet me here."

"Okay, I'll wait for him then," Jonah crossed his arms, "go, Vince."

#sickfic #emeto #emetophilia #alcohol poisoning #lucas atwood #mywriting

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tufzy-baybey · 2 years ago

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could i have some caregiver hanzo, lifeweaver and/or ramattra headcanons with/for an adult regressor please? (*^‿^*) your hcs so far have been so cool and give me so much comfort ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

EEK OMG OFC OFC :3

I'm so sorry I didn't post this as quickly as possible i currently have a bunch of finals lol ٩(๑꒦ິȏ꒦ິ๑)۶

FIRST UP HANZOOOO!!!1!

You do have to explain to him how your coping mechanisms work, he asks a few questions then and there, and listening very well, even if he stays quiet for a bit.

After a few questions he seems to understand really well, like once you explain it to him once he's already got it!

As someone with a lot a trauma he understands your struggle (╥﹏╥)

He really wants to help you, like he doesnt want your mental health no where near his, so when he found out you don't really have a caregiver he practically just assigned himself to the job lol

What I mean by this is that he happened to be around when you were age regressing, and literally just went with it as a caregiver.

As time went on you both accepted you roles, with the occasional question just to make sure no ones uncomfortable :3

First time he wasn't perfect, obvi!

He just made sure he was in the room with you, making sure you were happy while in little space.

You definitely tried to interact with him a few times, but since he didn't really know what to do he would give you quick responses and a pat on the head, while he read himself a book, he was scared of doing something wrong, but he simply made sure he was near you <3

After a while he gets a lot more comfortable with being your caregiver, so don't worry!

Definitely gives you two blue dragon plushies?!?! You take them everywhere in case you need comfort and it just melts his heart like???

He loves babying you so much.

Baby voice baby voice BABY VOICE

In a way, this has also become a coping mechanism for him, caring for someone when before he did the opposite </3

Both of you need each other at the end of the day, romantic, platonically, or whatever! You both heal a little by each day. ♡

Life Weaver ain't no wife leaverrrrr

I don't really know much about life Weaver other than he's gay and pretty chill lol

When you tell him your coping mechanism, you don't have to explain to him, he already knows, doesn't say how he knew though.

When you told him you currently had not caregiver, he asked if you'd like for him to take on the role.

You two talked about it a little more, a lot more communication! :3

Be prepared for a bunch of lotus/flower themed gifts! (Mostly baby stuff though)

DEFF GIVES YOU THIS PLUSHIE

All for cuddling with you if you ask!

You both communicate a lot to make sure none of you guys are uncomfortable or want anything specific :3

Definitely puts on winx club depending on how far down you agere (you cannot tell me he didn't watch that show! He so pretended to be a fairy!)

Tinkerbell franchise too!

Lots of baby snacks for you!

Mostly fruit cut out by a flower or heart shaped cookie cutter (≡^∇^≡)

He loves spoiling you and playing games with you so much it makes him so happy to see you be so comfortable around him <3

Some tickle monster attacks! But does not tickle you for more than like 20 seconds, doesn't want you overstimming, or possibly because some people don't like too much tickling :3

Forehead kisses!

Doesn't matter what your relationship is outside of your coping mechanism, you two are real close, he'll just pop out into your house and just hang out, same goes with the other way around!

Totally plays dolls (BARBIE AND WINX DOLLS, some are monster high too!)

(Sorry there isn't a lot of content for lifeweaver :'3)

I swear I could do a better job at decorating Ram's banner but j couldn't find anything good on picsart ಥ_ಥ

I decided to cut this in two parts, since Ram has a lot of past trauma with humans, so one part is specifically for an omnic reader. (But some human reader headcanons do apply to the omnic ones!)

Omnic specific

You two have known each other since the omnic crisis, but you two were never that close.

The whole crisis did bring everyone together though, there were times where groups of Omnics would simply relax, cuddle (at least imitating the act if cuddling) and repair each other, it became a way of bonding, in a way.

After the omnic crisis however, you, Ramattra, Zenyatta, and a few other omnics became a lot more closer.

After one day of just hanging out with Zenyatta and Ramattra, you confess about your coping mechanism.

Zenyatta feels so enlightened now that you found a way to cope and to heal from your suffering.

Ramattra however, feels a little sad, he is happy to see you healing, but he can't help but feel you wouldn't have to heal if you weren't broken up into pieces during the omnic crisis o(ㄒoㄒ)

You were never really a child, but age regressing helps you feel safer, took you to an Imaginary place and time with no omnic crisis, no trauma, no baggage..

Ramattra didn't know you currently didn't have a caretaker, but didn't investigate on that part.

(Kinda like hanzo) he legit just started to take care of you during little space!

He's a lot more physically affectionate, hugging you and cradling you around.

EXTRA ARMS = MORE CUDDLES!!! (≡^∇^≡)

Human version!

(Again some of these can apply to omnic readers, that's why I just wrote more of a backstory back there!)

You and Ram both met by Zenyatta, you were one of his students.

Ramattra obviously didn't like you at first, just like Genji he very much did not trust you at all!

He learned about your age regressing through Zenyatta (with permission ofc!)

He's still skeptical around you, but no longer sees you as a physical threat (never really saw you as one anyways) but he's a lot less rude and suspicious around you.

The more Ram learned about you the more pity he felt for your experiences.

He accidentally walked in on you in your little space (whether it was uncontrollably age regressing or planned) he was a little taken aback, because he didn't exactly plan on what he'd do if he was with you during your little space.

You were like a nervous child, hiding and peeking out of your hiding place when you saw him, you knew your relationship wasn't the best exactly. :;(∩´﹏`∩);:

He saw this as you being vulnerable, which you were to him; he didn't want to do anything that would change your perspective of him negatively or change your relationship negatively, he was just starting to like you too! Ó╭╮Ò

After a but of silence, you thought he was just gonna walk away. But he just sat down, cross legged.

Once he sat down you crawled out of your hiding space, still a little nervous.

Surprisingly he started the conversation, asking why you are alone, especially in little space, you sat cross legged too in front of him, and quietly explained you don't have anyone to really take care of you, but you still manage.

After a few seconds of processing, he finally speaks up, "Then...I shall..supervise you until then." He said, a little hesitation in his voice, he didn't want to sign up to something he wasn't experienced in, but he also didnt want you alone vulnerable, his mind would spiral into all the different (and some not-so-logical) ways you could get hurt during little space, if it weren't for you lighting up hearing his proposal. He found that kinda wholesome and cute in a way, not that he would voice it out loud though.

Even though he didn't exactly say he was your caretaker, in a way it was since you never really got a replacement for him, not that you needed to though <3

He's a bit more on the quiet side on the few first days, when ever you would accidentally touch him he couldn't help but flinch, he'd apologize under his own imitation of a breath, but he definitely wasn't at fault, he's a very traumatized omnic ಥ_ಥ

Slowly but surely he does get comfortable with you, he won't flinch with you touch him and he's more talkative towards to in a more natural way.

He'll never tell you this but he finds taking care of a someone smaller and vulnerable makes him feel at peace somehow, like it makes him feel better for all those omnics he couldnt help..

You'd have to ask him to carry you and cuddle first, otherwise he won't initiate anything, at this point he's no longer scared or suspicious of you, he's just scared to accidentally hurt you in a way where he won't be allowed to take care of you anymore :(

He's a little stiff and awkward when cuddling or cradling you, you would have to reassure him a few times you'd be okay!

He needs LOTS of communication or body language to understand what makes you most comfortable and safe.

On his free time he'd definitely carve and paint some wooden toys for you, but if someone walks in on him he'd simply say it's a carving of something else, if it's you however he won't bother hiding it (unless it's a surprise, but poor guy he's so obvious when hiding something you already know when he's doing it)

He loves to examine your face, either just cupping it and staring at you, or gently pinching your cheeks, tracing your eyebrows and booping your nose!

He's very attentive, if something is slightly off with your body language or your tone, he will definitely ask if there's something wrong or worse, if there's a human making you feel negatively.

Don't get me wrong he really likes you at this point, but that doesn't mean he likes other humans! (•ˋ _ ˊ•)

Not used to name calling, maybe just call him Ram, Rammy or any other nickname instead of parental nicknames :3

In a way, healing yourself also heals Ramattra in a way, so it's a win-win situation.

He is still very much traumatized, and he definitely feels uncomfortable when he's in a vulnerable situation with you, it's nothing against you, things like that just take a lottttt of time (〃∀〃)ゞ

Also lots of star gazing or meditating in the woods (he'd be meditating and you'd probably be in his lap playing with your wooden toys)

Sometimes small animals come to examine what you two are doing, they either get scared by your sudden movement or get scared, Ramattra doesn't mind either way, as long as you aren't getting into any trouble like getting into poison ivy lol. ˙˚ʚ(´◡`)ɞ˚˙

In the end of the day, you two are good friends, after a bit of time you will most likely get closer, into what you two become is up to you :3

This took a while to get out and I'm sorry for that lol! Anyways I love you and keep age regress safely <333

#ow2 agere #agere #ow2 #ow2 hanzo #ow2 lifeweaver #ow2 Ramattra #overwatch

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laianely · 2 months ago

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*insert main failed cool intro ideas*

I apologize for making a mess of your floors and for well.....breaking into your house. The chimney was wide open and the fire put out- a lovely glass of milk perched on the table top. My Santa senses were tingling- i knew you had great taste but that only left me with more questions. If Santa may ask..

1. What are your favorite songs?

2. Whats your favorite Christmas activity or tradition?

3. Whats your favorite Christmas classic (book movie or tale)?

4. What's your favorite color?

5. What's your favorite trope? (ex:enemies to lovers)

6. What are things you do not want in your gift (things you dislike)?

Santa has been cooking up some ideas for some potential fic idea. I would like to ask you which one you like the most and if you'd like me to change anything or include anything. After all Santa wants to give you a gift you'll truly enjoy (I think my Santa impressions are starting to get too creepy now-oops).

Idea 1. Reverse Isekai- "I accidentally summoned a pirate into my room instead of the demon I was trying to make a deal with" This could be a play on season 5 in an alternate universe where Killian kills rumplestiltskin and becomes the dark one. Emma "accidentally" summons him instead and he's not happy about it. But in trying to find a way to get him back to his world....they grow on each other and he decides to stay or leave (depends on the ending- they could find a way to make him mortal or he could stay with her until she dies or there's a time limit on how long killian could stay and he ends up disappearing and she spends ages trying to find him.

Idea 2. That darned book- "Classic! I got consumed by a book of fairytales and I'm now a gaurdian angel for a self destructive pirate. How do I prevent him from doing anything drastic without revealing my identity". There could be a fun spin on things where Emma posses items near him causing him to think the Jolly Roger is haunted....captain floor who? We could have angst and misunderstandings with killian thinking Emma is working for rumple. We could have messups where Emma tries to do something good but it backfires. We could have a blue fairy and tinkerbell moment with Emma returning back to the real world and Killian realizing life isn't the same without her so he trades his ship and travels all the way too find her + some groveling and a happy go lucky ending.

Idea 3. A play on real life- Emma and killian are in college and they hate each other guts. They're both theater kids and have secured the lead roles in the college play much to their distress acting as a captive prince and a cutthroat pirate captain. Unfortunately for them their dislike for each other is so strong the fairytale gods decide to intervene and transmigrate them onto blackbeards ship as lovely deckhands. Will they be able to work together and find a way to escape or will they continue to bicker their way to doom? Basically over time they'll grow to trust and open up to each other which is the key to their escape.

4. Ghost of the Christmas past present and future for both Emma and Killian. Haven't thought much about this one.

Do let me know which one you like the best and feel free to offer suggestions and I could even refine or write a few more blurbs out. Hope you've been doing well and taking care of yourself!

PS: I apologize if this is a mess and filled with typos lol (its 3 am and I'm so exhausted from rehearsals 😭)

Hey Santa!

I suppose next time I should prepare not only milk for you but also a bed so you could rest, 'cause omg, 3am!

I think I have a lot of favorite songs) It's really hard to choose but I'll try... "I'm yours" by Isabel LaRosa "Too sweet" by Hozier "Touch" by July Talk "Ruby with the sharpest lies" by Des Rocs "Come with me now" by Kongos "Particles" by Nothing But Thieves "Valkyrie" by Battle Tapes "Breathe" by Window to the Abbey "Royalty" by Neoni

Exchange gifts 🤭 Also I like Christmas decorations with all those beautiful lights.

I'm not sure if it's classic but I love "Love Actually".

Blue is on top and purple is second favorite.

Well, I've searched what things considered a trope, so the things that popped up in my mind Enemies to lovers (obviously 🙃), friends to lovers, fake dating, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending

A/B/O, gore and body horror aren't my things absolutely. Also I usually don't like bad endings.

As for your ideas, they all sounds really interesting! But my favorite two is 1 and 2. And... I think I like the first one more) But if you'll have some difficulties with it, the second one is still an option.

I don't have any particular requirements or ideas for it, but I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Have fun! And please take care of yourself!

#csss #cssecretsanta2024 #cssecretsanta

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her-emmajesty · 9 months ago

Text

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1 Think it's in there?

MAN2 All right. Let's get it!

MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

MEN No!

SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.

SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)

THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.

GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

HEAD GUARD Next!

GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY Oh!

HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.

HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD Well?

OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly!

HEAD GUARD He can talk!

DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him!

GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre!

SHREK Aye?

HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

SHREK Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

SHREK Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.

DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

SHREK Why are you following me?

DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...

SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall?

SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

DONKEY Nope.

SHREK Really?

DONKEY Really, really.

SHREK Oh.

DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?

SHREK That would be my home.

DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK I like my privacy.

DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you?

SHREK Uh, what?

DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please?

SHREK (sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY Really?

SHREK No.

DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK Oh!

DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK (irritated) Outside!

DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.

DONKEY (from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear)

SHREK Ow!

GORDO Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO How did you know?

SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.

BIG BAD WOLF What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)

DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK What?

PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here.

SHREK (flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY Me! Me!

SHREK Anyone?

DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.

SHREK What did I say about singing?

DONKEY Can I whistle?

SHREK No.

DONKEY Can I hum it?

SHREK All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster.

FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

FARQUAAD The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man.

FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man!

FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD Go on.

MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD I'll do it.

MIRROR Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.

SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)

DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him!

MEN Get him!

SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)

CROWD Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD Kill the beast!

SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.

WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.

HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK What?

FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD Your swamp?

SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK And the squatters?

FARQUAAD As good as gone.

SHREK What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY Example?

SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK Yes - - No!

DONKEY They make you cry?

SHREK No!

DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding.

SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan)

DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

SHREK Oh, aye.

DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

DONKEY You know what I mean.

SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!

SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

DONKEY Really?

SHREK Really, really.

DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down.

DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

SHREK But you're already halfway.

DONKEY But I know that half is safe!

SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)

DONKEY Don't do that!

SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)

DONKEY Yes, that!

SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)

DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!

SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)

DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)

DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY You afraid?

SHREK No.

DONKEY But...

SHREK Shh.

DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there?

SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off)

DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.

DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

DONKEY (os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire.

SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor.

DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.

FIONA Oh! Oh!

SHREK Wake up!

FIONA What?

SHREK Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.

FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

SHREK I don't think so.

FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion?

SHREK Uh, Shrek.

FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

SHREK Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?

SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.)

FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

SHREK Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA What kind of knight are you?

SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room)

DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

DONKEY Hi, Princess!

FIONA It talks!

SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly.

SHREK Oh!

Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.

SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck.

SHREK (echoing) Run!

They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.

FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.

FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

SHREK Uh, no.

FIONA Why not?

SHREK I have helmet hair.

FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

FIONA But how will you kiss me?

SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description.

DONKEY Maybe it's a perk.

FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?

FIONA Well, yes.

Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love!

FIONA What is so funny?

SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.

SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

FIONA Just take off the helmet.

SHREK I'm not going to.

FIONA Take it off.

SHREK No!

FIONA Now!

SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet)

FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre.

SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.

SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.

FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me?

SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet.

DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed.

SHREK You're not making my job any easier.

FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.

SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes)

FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

SHREK Ya comin', Donkey?

DONKEY I'm right behind ya.

FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.

DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

FIONA But there's robbers in the woods.

DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.

SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now!

Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.

MOUNTAIN CLIFF

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

SHREK Hey! Over here.

DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.

FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.)

FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her)

DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

FIONA (os) I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.

DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing?

SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.

SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

DONKEY I know you're making this up.

SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.

DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

SHREK Our swamp?

DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

SHREK No, do ya think?

DONKEY Are you hidin' something?

SHREK Never mind, Donkey.

DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it?

SHREK Why do you want to talk about it?

DONKEY Why are you blocking?

SHREK I'm not blocking.

DONKEY Oh, yes, you are.

SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you.

DONKEY Who you trying to keep out?

SHREK Everyone! Okay?

DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down)

DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

SHREK Yeah, I know.

DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

Fiona puts the door back.

SHREK That's the moon.

DONKEY Oh, okay.

DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.

FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.

MIRROR Hmph.

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.

FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect.

Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.

MORNING

Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep.

DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.

SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

DONKEY Huh? What?

SHREK Wake up.

DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns)

FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess!

Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

SHREK What's all this about?

FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

SHREK Uh, thanks.

Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off)

LATER

They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches.

DONKEY Shrek!

SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs)

DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

Fiona belches

FIONA Thanks.

DONKEY She's as nasty as you are.

SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.

ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey!

SHREK Princess!

FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?

ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast.

SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own!

ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs)

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.

MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage,

ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good.

MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...

MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get...

ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.

MERRY MEN That's bad.

ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad.

MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad.

ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...

There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious.

FIONA Man, that was annoying!

Shrek looks at her in admiration.

MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way)

The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.

Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.

FIONA Uh, shall we?

SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

FIONA What?

SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt!

SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender)

FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

FIONA Shrek's hurt.

DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

SHREK Donkey, I'm okay.

DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?

FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

SHREK & FIONA Donkey!

DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off)

SHREK What are the flowers for?

FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey.

SHREK Ah.

FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull)

SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

SHREK No, it's tender.

FIONA Now, hold on.

SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help.

FIONA Don't move.

SHREK Look, time out.

FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do?

ELSEWHERE

Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.

SHREK (os) Ow!

DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns)

THE FOREST PATH

SHREK Ow! Not good.

FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about...

SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him)

DONKEY Ahem.

SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow!

DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood?

Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.

There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.

WINDMILL

SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

FIONA That's DuLoc?

DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow!

SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.

FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

SHREK What?

FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine.

FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead.

SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See?

SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

FIONA I'll get the firewood.

DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

SUNSET

Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.

FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

FIONA (smiles) I'd like that.

They smiles at each other.

SHREK Um, Princess?

FIONA Yes, Shrek?

SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that?

DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

SHREK What?

DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?

FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

Shrek sighs

FIONA Good night.

SHREK Good night.

Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.

DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about?

DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.

SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - -

DONKEY An ogre?

SHREK Yeah. An ogre.

DONKEY Hey, where you goin'?

SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.

TIME LAPSE

Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.

DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.

DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.

DONKEY Aah!

FIONA Oh, no!

DONKEY No, help!

FIONA Shh!

DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay.

DONKEY What did you do with the princess?

FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess.

DONKEY Aah!

FIONA It's me, in this body.

DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?

FIONA Donkey!

DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

FIONA No!

DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA Shh.

DONKEY Shrek!

FIONA This is me.

Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.

DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

FIONA I'm ugly, okay?

DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry)

DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.

FIONA Shrek?

OUTSIDE

Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.

SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.

FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

Shrek steps back in shock.

FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.

INSIDE

FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.

DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise!

DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.

MORNING

Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.)

Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her.

FIONA Shrek. Are you all right?

SHREK Perfect! Never been better.

FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.

FIONA You heard what I said?

SHREK Every word.

FIONA I thought you'd understand.

SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"

FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something.

Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.

DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.

FARQUAAD Princess Fiona.

SHREK As promised. Now hand it over.

FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell.

FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.

FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't.

Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.

FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.

FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse)

FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.

DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

SHREK Yeah? So what?

DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -

SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

DONKEY But I thought - -

SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)

DONKEY Shrek.

Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.

SHREK'S HOME

Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.

SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing?

DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.

SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm.

DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

SHREK Back off!

DONKEY No, you back off.

SHREK This is my swamp!

DONKEY Our swamp.

SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey!

DONKEY You let go.

SHREK Stubborn jackass!

DONKEY Smelly ogre.

SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away)

DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

SHREK Well, I'm through with you.

DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door)

DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

SHREK (os) Go away!

DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.

DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.

SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?

SHREK Donkey!

DONKEY No!

SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

SHREK Right. Friends?

DONKEY Friends.

SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles)

Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.

SHREK Donkey?

DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

They both laugh.

SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie)

DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

DULOC - CHURCH

Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.

PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....

FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

PRIEST ...of our new king...

FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on.

COURTYARD

Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.

DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?

SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about?

DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

SHREK I don't have time for this!

DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?

SHREK Yes.

DONKEY You wanna hold her?

SHREK Yes.

DONKEY Please her?

SHREK Yes!

DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap!

SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

DONKEY We gotta check it out.

INSIDE CHURCH

As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me...

Outside

SHREK What do you see?

DONKEY The whole town's in there.

Inside

PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife...

Outside

DONKEY They're at the altar.

Inside

PRIEST ...king and queen.

Outside

DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.

INSIDE CHURCH

SHREK (running toward the alter) I object!

FIONA Shrek?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want?

SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.

FIONA What are you doing here?

SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...

SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you.

FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -

SHREK But you can't marry him.

FIONA And why not?

SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

SHREK He's not your true love.

FIONA And what do you know about true love?

SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.

FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess!

FIONA Shrek, is this true?

FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.)

FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before.

She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.

SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles)

FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them.

SHREK No, no!

FIONA Shrek!

FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?

FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek!

SHREK No!

FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons.

SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!

FIONA No, Shrek!

FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife...

SHREK Fiona!

FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king!

Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!

DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge!

The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.

DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

The congregation cheers.

DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek.

SHREK Uh, Fiona?

FIONA Yes, Shrek?

SHREK I - - I love you.

FIONA Really?

SHREK Really, really.

FIONA (smiles) I love you too.

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.

CONGREGATION Aawww!

Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her.

WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

SHREK But you ARE beautiful.

They smile at each other.

DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song.

GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one.

DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

THE END

Types of Adaptations

--according to me <3

I've recently been reading the original books for a lot of movies/shows I've previously enjoyed, and it's got me thinking a lot abt adaptations, and what works or doesn't for me. I think there's more to adaptation than just being "good/bad" or even just being "faithful" to the original content or not, and I kinda wanna throw my thoughts out to see what ppl think

anyways, adaptation types:

extremely faithful adaptations that skillfully utilize a new medium to share and even enhance the original content: Mob Psycho 100 anime

adaptations that actively improve/fix the original story. the fans behind these projects clearly understand the original, and know exactly what needs to be changed to complete the original work: Death Note the Musical

adaptations that unfortunately had to cut a lot, but what's there is very faithful. you can tell they did their best within the set time/money limit: Watership Down '78

adaptations that are largely textually faithful (for the most part), but approach the tones/themes in slightly different ways from the original. it's like hearing the same story from a new narrator-- the beats are the same, but what/how the narrator chooses to emphasize changes how it hits: Howl's Moving Castle movie

adaptations that aren't necessarily textually faithful, but maintain a similar thematic tone to the original, despite taking it in a new direction. some ppl may not appreciate an "unfaithful" adaption strategy no matter the quality, while others may appreciate these adaptations as familiar but ultimately new stories: Haunting of Hill House tv show, Annihilation movie

adaptations that went completely off the rails from the original. they're so different that it's difficult to grade their quality as anything but their own stand-alone story-- "faithful" is no longer a useful critique strategy here (though fans of the originals may have appreciated a different title, at the very least): FMA '03, HTTYD movies

adaptations that are largely textually faithful on some level, but change enough small details that shift the underlying context/themes in irrevocable, adverse ways: Fried Green Tomatoes movie

adaptations that attempt to "modernize" the original for the present audience, but end up sanitizing/simplifying the characters/themes into flattened, overused tropes instead: Trigun Stampede, Devilman Crybaby

adaptations that add unnecessary, unwanted content that actively degrades the original story: Arrival movie (adapted from Ted Chiang's "The Story of Your Life"), The Lorax movie

#Nothing against this post in particular but i found out about a PvP feature onhere and had to assault an original post of yours #i'm sure you understand #there simply is no other viable victim #to lovingly and genuinely engage with your post tho;#shrek Retold is a fantastic adaptation #It's a faithful adaptation of a movie to a movie but with each scene lovingly remade that brings new humor to the same jokes and just oozes #passion #also i'm not sorry

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sailorplanet1997 · 5 days ago

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everybody having a boring life minding their own business untill Tinkerbell was born

i don't know why but she gives off ADHD vibes (i saw some comment saying she has ADHD) she's so different from all the other fairies, nothing wrong with that in my opinion but she changed everything for everybody i can't describe...i didn't liked it at first but now i appreciate her hell a lot more these days because she made things easy for everybody (despite some sacrifices from her friends they had to get her out from dangers)

Tinker fairies weren't allowed to go on the mainland untill Tinkerbell saved spring and fixed the ballerina dancer box thingy but she spended the whole movie wanting to switch her talent to the other talents and dragged the girls there (water training, light training, animal training she called for something which she thought was a innocent bird just to find out it was a hawk and the sprinting thistles) i'm sure Vidia is to the blame by thinking Tinker fairies are the most useless talent from other talents but all is forgiven once the third movie came out

Tinker fairies again were allowed to go on the mainland in the third movie because not only was Tinkerbell, Clank and Bobble there but also some other random Tinker fairies and this movie is completely based on the mainland so i'm guessing the law was broken about Tinker fairies not being allowed to visit the mainland (i'l come back for this movie to mention things) i take i wild guess only nature fairies are allowed to leave pixie hollow to bring seasons to the world only though and based on the fairy tale theatre how Lyria told the story how a fairy was captured from the pirates, the fairies have a every right not to leave pixie hollow unless if it's to change seasons to the world and nature fairies only too but Tinkerbell decided it doesn't hurt to leave pixie hollow to find the mirror of incanta so no one will notice she was gone in the first place...but of course it didn't goes unnoticed because she was found by Terence after discovering the truth and her plans he brought everything with him for Tinkerbell and it is mentioned he broke the rules for her on PURPOSE by stealing some pixie dust! (i'm sure it wasn't done like that before so Terence is the first person to break the rules for others...in this case Tinkerbell)

now to mention the third movie, Tinkerbell again didn't care about the rules not knowing it's to keep everybody safe from dangers and left fairy camp to explore around a little very close to the humans house and humans in general but before she could do something that can create serious disasters she was found by Vidia (of all fairies i expected it the LEAST from her) and stopped from what Tinkerbell was possibly trying to do while stay hidden from the humans and once getting out of hand Vidia puts everything with Tinkerbell aside to call the others for help, even with the rain and storms going strong and sacrificed everything to rescue Tinkerbell and once Vidia reached the room she got trapped from the humans by saving someone elses life which had probably never been done before

someone made a fanfic why the rules were made about visiting the humans and even though it's made by a Tinkerbell fan, it actually makes sense why the rules were made to protect them from serious harm (the story looked so real to me) and based on the deleted scene from the third movie it's no wonder why the fairies are scared from the humans and why Vidia did what she had to do to protect Tinkerbell from serious harm even if she had to risk her own life by doing so (good news though because of all the human event situation and the "from rescue to rescue" part, they actually became friends...best friends to be exact)

i used to hate Vidia because of the mean girl and stuff but i forgive her for her messes and mistakes because things got the best of her and she officially was letting everything from the past go and befriend Tinkerbell and the others instead too and of course the fourth movie with the warm and cold season Tinkerbell decided to go to the winter woods and spend the day there and Periwinkle visiting the warm side of the border that got out of hand instead but thanks to team work with Tinkerbell and Vidia almost risking their wings to bring Periwinkle back to the border it ended good for Periwinkle, everything turned out to be fine in the end and despite the disasters Tinkerbell for the first time isn't to the blame this time around she did a great sacrifice calling the winter fairies for help after Lord Milori smashed the machine away that created the freeze and the storm in the first place and the pixie dust tree was saved thanks to the winter fairies that protected the pixie dust tree from the freeze and this it broke the law...AGAIN and the warmer fairies are allowed to enter the winter woods by frosting their wings the last 2 movies was all on other characters though (Zarina and Fawn) but i have to admit both of these characters act or sounds like Tinkerbell in my opinion because they both break the rules

but is it just me or did Tinkerbell change everything and everybody? and yes even Vidia have changed (for the better) because of Tinkerbell...Terence wasn't a surprise since he has a crush on Tinkerbell since day 1 so now looking back i'm not surprised he went to follow after Tinkerbell after discovering about the moonstone and her plans because you'll do reckless things to be with this person if you have a crush on someone and this was definitely the case with Terence, no one have the courage to fly this far for Tinkerbell except Terence and keeping it a secret too, he became stronger because of Tinkerbell but i was surprised about Vidia though, i mean she of all people sacrificing her own life to rescue Tinkerbell? she was like the complete opposite in the first movie so i was surprised she actually wanted to save Tinkerbell from the humans after making a small mistake with slamming the door part and taking care of the disasters Tinkerbell have created in the first place too but as evil as it might sounds i'm actually glad it happened, i don't think Vidia would have became a better person if it wasn't from the human event ever since "The Great Fairy Rescue" Tink's friends are a lot more involved with Tink's life, The Secret Of The Wings, The Pirate Fairy and The Legend Of The Neverbeast movies (the first movie was different in a way because it was mostly about the switching talent thing and Tink was just like born so allthough she did have maked friends, i feel like she felt kind of like an outsider in a way and she had A LOT to learn about friendship back then...thankfully she learned it from Terence, it's a shame he dissapeared most of the times after "The Lost Treasure" like he's no longer there and he even completely dissapeared in the final movie)

everybody thinks differently about lost things/invention stuff, Tinkerbell found a way so both warm and winter fairies can cross (frosting wings and the big snowmaking machine but i'm sure Zarina have found a way without the need of the snowmaking machine for the winter fairies so they can cross pixie hollow though) going on an adventure to save the day from something or someone and the group became bigger since Tinkerbell is born (Vidia, Periwinkle, Zarina and possibly even Nyx but it's only Tinkerbell and Vidia who have really stayed from the group in my opinion though) Tinkerbell brought things together (warm and winter fairies, Clank and Bobble was more seen with the girls in the third and the fourth movie because of Tinkerbell, i sincere really wish this was the case with Terence too though but i guess Disney choose not to) Tinkerbell made impossible things the possible (speaking for saving spring, her solo adventure with Terence and Blaze, her friendship with Terence, the moonstone, the humans, the group saving Tinkerbell during stormy and rainy weathers...and in the fourth movie saving pixie hollow from the freeze) call me crazy but Tinkerbell changed everything since she's born (or well for the most part, creating pixie dust in other colours and the possibilities of switching the talent was on Zarina, saving pixie hollow from its strange weather and protecting the neverbeast was all on Fawn but i'm sure Tinkerbell brought them both into ideas how to save the day)

you won't get bored with Tinkerbell being around for sure and if it's Tink's business it becomes their business it seems like it too (especially ironically funny enough Vidia)

#disney #disney fairies #tinkerbell

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cherrygummycandy · 3 years ago

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Pixie Hollow x Multi-Talented!Reader

Pick and Choose?!

A giggle, a small sound of joy from a child, is what starts it all. As the laugh moves towards the home of the pixies, it gently brushes the petal of a rose, sweeping it away with the laugh. The petal continues it's journey in the night, and the sound of laughter rings out through pixie hollow. Small flowers and acorn homes illuminate, as fairies awaken in response. Quickly, the top members of each fairy guild head towards the Pixie dust tree, for the possibility of a new fairy joining there guild excites all. The fairies come to rest around the center of the tree, some on leaves, branches, or simply fluttering in the air with excitement. They watch closely as the laughing sound draws nearer, and a rose petal lands softly in the center of the room.

Opening your eyes, you blink a few times, and shake a little, removing some of the mysterious glowy powder from your face. You look up and see a tall woman, with a dress that seems to flow neverending with the same gold powder that you shook off moments earlier. "Hello, young one," She says, her voice like warm tea with honey. "Welcome to Pixie hollow." Her hand is extended to you, and you take it slowly, standing.

"Who are you? Who am I?" You ask, rather calm though your mind is racing with questions. "I am Queen Clarion, ruler of the fairies." She says. You nod, and bow a little. She chuckles softly, and then motions for you to stand once more. "As for who you are, only you can find that out." She says. With a sweeping motion of her arm, a glowing swirl bursts from the ground, and with it, several mushroom pedestals, each containing a strange symbol.

Staring at the many symbols, you notice a few whispers coming from behind you. It's then you turn and see several groups of fairies, seemingly separated by their clothing choices. They almost look like uniforms of sorts. "Forgive them, these are some of the talent guild heads. New fairies are an exciting thing, but I'm sure they'll keep quiet and let you focus." She says, shooting a gentle warning look at the audience, who sheepishly quiet down.

You inhale, before slowly moving towards the podium. "Um… What exactly do I do?" You ask queen Clarion. "Each of these podiums has a symbol, which represents on of the many talent guilds in Pixie Hollow. Go up to one and focus. It will be clear which one is right for you." She says. You nod, and the back to the podium with a determined look. You reach your hand out to the first podium, where a hammer rests. The hammer responds to your touch, glowing and beginning to move towards you. A few fairies clad in green gasp happily in response. Queen Clarion smiles.

"It seems we have a new tinker in-" she is cut off when a gust of wind pushes the hammer out of the way, swirling as a small tornado in front of you. Queen Clarion's eyes widen in shock, and some of the fairies gasp, whispering things. You feel as though you've done something wrong, and turn to face the queen, before suddenly a ray of light flashes in your eyes, floating towards you. "Y-your majesty?" You ask, a little scared. "What's happening?" Queen Clarion watches with a concerned look as the rest of the magical symbols float towards you.

"Fairies!" She calls, raising her arms in an attempt to calm the frenzied and amazed crowd. The crowd looks at her wide eyed and hushed. "It seems," She looks back at you, and gives you a mildly reassuring smile. "It seems we have a fairy with a multitude of gifts." "Queen Clarion!" A voice calls out. She sighs a little, and then turns. "Yes, Tinkerbell?" She asks the small blonde fairy who runs up to her. "Ma'am, as a tinker, I think it could benefit Pixie Hollow if the new fairy stayed in Tinkers Nook?" She suggests. Queen Clarion stops to think. "Hey, wait." A dark haired fairy with an annoyed grin floats forward. "Your majesty, this fairy possesses the gifts of a fast flying fairy, ultimately more important than a tinker." The fairy says, prompting an offended pout from Tinkerbell. "Vidia, please. I think our new member can spend time with each guild, but I do think it's a good idea for Tinkerbell to be able to study our new friend." Tink's eyes light up, and Vidia shoots Tinkerbell a glare, before flying off in defeat.

"We must each do our part in making our new friend feel welcome." Queen clarion says, adressing the crowd. They clap, and as they begin to disperse, the queen turns back to you and Tink. "Now, it's common a name is chosen based on one's talent, but seeing as you have a few, I suppose we will have to be creative." She says, and you smile a little. "Geez, um, this is pretty hard. I guess I don't know enough about myself yet to choose a name." You respond. You notice Tinkerbell chewing on her lip and tapping her foot, clearly deep in thought. "Hey, Tinkerbell, was it?" You ask. She snaps out of it, and her head perks up, eyes wide. "Oh, yes! What do you need?" She asks, smiling sweetly. "Well, you seem pretty creative, maybe you can come up with something?" You ask her, and her smile only grows wider, which you didn't think was possible. "I was hoping you'd ask! I was thinking you look like a…" She trails off, grabbing your wrist and turning you around and looking you over. "You look like a Y/N." she says, nodding as if she's decided. You say the name slowly, sounding out the words. "I, I really like it! Thank you!" You exclaim, rushing forward to hug her. Tinkerbell excitedly hugs back, and Queen Clarion smiles at the exchange.

A while later, you and Tinkerbell are flying over Pixie hollow, and she points various things out as the two of you fly. You quickly get a hold of using your wings, and are soon flying with ease. "Y'know, I'm really excited to learn all about your powers!" She says. You smile sheepishly, and nod. "Yeah, I guess it's just a lot of pressure." You admit, and she nods in understanding. "I get it. I was the first Tinker fairy to get to go to the mainland, and I couldn't sleep for weeks." She laughs, and you feel a little better. "Hey," she says, putting her hand on your shoulder. "It'll be great, you'll do super well here! Besides, you'll be able to hang out with me!" She presses her pointed thumb to her chest, and tilts her chin up proudly. You giggle, and sigh as you turn back to look ahead of you. You think you'll like it here.

#disney fairies #disney x reader #cartoon x reader #disney fairies x reader #tinkerbell #pixie hollow #pixie hollow x reader #vidia #tinker bell #x reader

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never-never-land · 3 years ago

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YOUR DRABBLES MAKE ME SO HAPPY HHHH,,,

If I could request, could I possibly see a drabble where the ROs comfort MC after something happened to them?

Like, maybe they're in need of a hug or a forehead kiss idk >.>

I'm bad at describing I'm sorry jsbdjd

Peter Pan: “Is everything all right, Star?” The worry that clearly tinged his tone was only shrouded by the emotions flickering within his dark brown eyes. An expression of pain— as if he could feel your own— mirrors the one on yours; Peter’s arms, almost without hesitation, wrap around your body and pull you closer to his. His nose nuzzles against your temple. “I’m here, Star, I’m here. I’ll be here for however long you wish me to be.”

James/Jasmine: Azure blue eyes observe you from across the room— the slightest furrowing of their brow showcases the multitude of thoughts that must be running through their mind. “Come here.” The husky command almost causes you to jump— having gotten used to their silence— but the imploring look in their gaze, coupled with them opening their arms, negates the reaction. Instead, you soon find yourself burrowed in their comforting embrace; melting even further when a gentle kiss is placed to the top of your head. “I won’t let anything harm you, my love. Never again.”

Tinkerbell: “What happened?” The moment Tinkerbell noticed your state, her entire being went into panic mode. Her need to help, to fix, going into overdrive as she frames your face with her hands. Sapphire blue eyes flit across everything she could see on your body— needing to make sure that you were okay. Seemingly finding nothing, Tink slackens just a bit but the worried expression on her face remains. “I’d still like to know what happened, flower, but I can wait until you’re ready to share.” A soft kiss is pressed to the tip of your nose. “Until then could I interest you in some tea?”

Lyra: Her brow furrows in confusion at the first sight of you, forest green eyes quickly assessing your body for any physical ailments, but the pained expression on your face causes her to take action. Soon, you find yourself within Lyra’s strong embrace— the scent of the sea, of home, washing over you— with a gentle kiss being placed to your cheek. “I may not understand everything about humans, or the way your all work, but I’m trying. I-I hope that this is right. That I’m what you need to help you through what’s hurting you so.”

Hunter: His impassive expression falters for only a moment when he first noticed you. Gray eyes narrowed in thought while he appraised you from a distance. Seemingly coming to a conclusion, Hunter quickly strides towards you— ignoring anyone else that may try to take his attention from you. “Is everything okay?” He murmurs, closing the remaining distance between your bodies— his arms wrap loosely around your form. “Do you need me to do anything? Is there anyone I have to talk to?” He hesitates for a moment— coming to his own conclusion by your continued silence. “Would you like me to stay? I don’t think there’s any place I’d rather be.”

#return to never never land #peter pan #james hook #jasmine hook #tinkerbell #lyra #hunter #anonymous #asks #ask

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agirlwhoisaphantom · 3 years ago

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Halloween Town - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Author's Note: Yes, I know, Halloween was two days ago, but in this blog, it's every day, so I thought about doing a little drabble with my favorite family. Baby Eden + Bruce are mentioned but they are inspired by @saynotoshityouhate one-shot - Come back to us (go read her stuff it's amazing by the way)

Warnings: Nothing, just fluff. Slight teasing.

The end of the year was always your favorite time. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were around the same months. You were the most excited about Halloween than the other two.

Halloween has always been special since Bucky was with you, but now it was much more fun having two little ones to dress up. When looking for family costumes to wear, the first thing that popped in your head was the cartoon that Becca and Leo had been obsessed with, which was Peter Pan.

Leo would be dressed as Peter, Becca would be Tinker Bell. Meanwhile, you and Bucky would be dressed as pirates. Bucky was right next to you as you ordered the outfits, laying his head on your shoulder. "I'm not dressing up as a pirate." he looked over at the screen of your laptop, shaking his head slightly.

You run your fingers through his hair, noticing he was growing out his hair. You were untangling his hair "please, it'll be fun." you ruffle his hair. "Besides, that you have the hair for it." you giggled as you messed up his hair.

He shakes his head as he smirks, getting up and sitting on the floor, his back facing you as he sits in between your legs. You remove your laptop from your lap and scoot over to the edge of the couch as you start to braid his hair into a fishtail braid. "What do you say? We'll dress up as pirates, and the kids are Peter and Tinkerbell." you were finishing his braid.

Whenever you braid his hair, he would always stay still, not wanting to distract you or mess you up. "We can definitely dress up like that, Doll." He closed his eyes as he relaxed from the gentle touches you were giving him.

Halloween Day @ 1:04 pm

At this point of the day, you already had your hair done. All you needed was your makeup and the costume that you were going to wear. Bucky was already dressed, and so was Leo. He was chasing him around the house, playing 'pirates' with the fake sword. You could hear Leo laugh whenever Bucky would catch him.

You were with Becca, getting her dressed up with her green flowy dress with a sparkly tutu and her wings. You did her hair into a small bun on top of her head. Becca insisted that you would put makeup on her. You put a little bit of blush on her face. Once you finished getting her ready, you carried her in your arms to the living room where Bucky and Leo were, and so they could play together. "Look at my wittle fairy." Bucky kneeled to be at her eye level as you put her down, and she was running towards him, hugging him.

Looking at the time, you notice it has already been 2 pm. You only had an hour to finish getting ready before having to head over to Bruce's place since both families agreed to spend Halloween together.

As you are finishing your makeup, Bucky sneaks up on you and kisses your cheek as he hugs you from behind. You smiled at him as you saw him in the reflection of the mirror. "I can't wait to-" he whispered into your ear.

"dad!" Becca came running towards the bedroom as she interrupted Bucky before he could finish what he was saying. She grabs his metal hand and starts to pull him away from you. All you did was giggle as you put in the last touches of your makeup.

As soon as you put on the costume, you walk out into the kitchen to catch Bucky eating a plum. Before he could take a bite from it, his attention was set to you, his eyes roaming all over your body, from head to toe. Leaving his mouth parted as he drooled a little. You were wearing a very short skirt with a white off-the-shoulder long-sleeve shirt, a black corset, fishnets, a black belt that was dangling, and thigh-high boots. You walk towards him placing your finger on his chin as you close his mouth and wipe his drool using your thumb. "It isn't polite to stare, Sarge." you smirk as you tilt your head.

Bucky places his hand on your waist, pulling you toward him, not leaving any space between you and him. "This is coming off tonight, one way or another. Even if that means I have to rip it off your body." he leaned in forward and whispered into your ear, making you feel aroused. He kisses you and pulls away to go get Leo, taking him to the car.

"Mommy, are we going with Eden." Becca pulled on your belt as she was standing next to you.

You looked down at her as you picked her up. "Yes, sweets, we are going to go trick or treating with Eden." You smiled at her. Becca was so excited to go since her best friend was going to be with her.

-----------------

After they went trick or treating, both Becca and Leo were exhausted. It was already nighttime, and their baskets were filled with a ton of different types of candy. You set Becca to bed in her room. Meanwhile, Bucky tucked Leo into his bed.

He picks you up, holding you from your thighs as you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his shoulders and arms. As soon as you both entered the room, his lips were pressed against yours in a needy yet passionate way. You both couldn't make it to the bed. Instead, you both did it on the floor in the nice fluffy carpet.

Needless to say, the next morning, you found the costume you wore ripped into little pieces.

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im-just-trying-to-get-bi · 3 years ago

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SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg

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