#i'm so sorry for the massive wall of text anon

[rmorde]

I think it's beautifully tragic that it ended up being Sukuna who freed Gojo from his loneliness and made him feel like a human not a god.

It's sad, but it doesn't diminish his love for the students imo.

Objectively, yes. You are absolutely right, Anon. It is a beautiful tragedy. Can't deny that Gege must have crafted #236 as a way to give Gojo a lovely yet ironic send-off. The man everyone touted as the heroic teacher and savior was suffering from isolation brought up by circumstance. Only the villain could save him and end the never ending cycle of sacrifice he was trapped in.

I know it sound ridiculous but frankly, imo, Gojo is sacrificing and being selfless all this time on hindsight. As revealed in the Afterlife Airport, Gojo just wants to have fun and be connected with people. That is his most selfish desire. However, he forgoes those desires and instead dedicated himself into serving others.

Gojo is very simple. Gege said so himself and I could see it only now.

-> Gojo just wants to live happily with friends and have fun with his powers. -> Gojo realizes he cannot do that because people suffer. Suffering is something he had come to know intimately through Geto and Amanai. He wants no one else to experience that. So, he tries his best to prevent others from going through it by being responsible in his own unconventional way. -> Gojo tries to build a better world where people get to have a choice (unlike Amanai) and would not have to fight alone (unlike Geto). Both of these are anti-thesis to the current culture of jujutsu society. -> Gojo cannot kill the higher-ups to get what he wants because it is not a permanent solution since others would just replace them. -> So, Gojo plays the long game. He undermines the higher-ups by becoming a teacher instead of a simple yet effective foot soldier. This is the toughest part because it's like a Heavenly Restriction. Gojo takes in young sorcerers and acts as a buffer for them. In exchange, Gojo has to do missions with barely any time to spare. Those spare time he does get, he uses it to teach his students in a goofy way.

On the surface level, Gojo looks like a happy-go-lucky asshole who never takes anything seriously. However, the guy is working all the time, isn't he? When does he gets sweets? Between jobs while travelling for missions. When does he play around? While fighting curses or partaking in school events which are essentially his job. When is he being so goofy? While teaching his students which again is his job.

No wonder he is so sadistic against curses and downright nasty with his teasing at times. Gojo needs an outlet from all that stress of being worked to the bone. The guy doesn't get a day-off. Even worse, no one really realizes it because of the first impression he makes as a competent weirdo and his lack of delicacy makes him so off-putting that no one really digs deep on what exactly he is doing or how he is doing. His reputation as "The Strongest' could not have been of any help too.

Gojo has simple goals and is very simple in his methods at achieving it. There are no hidden agendas, double meanings, sugarcoating, or anything. Whatever he says is exactly what you will get.

However, everyone in and out of the JJK-verse, tend to make a molehill out of everything Gojo does or says. No one could get an accurate reading on him because as "The Strongest", he must have something grand up on his sleeves like a selfish plan for some sinister selfish goal.

-> Nanami: He is the biggest example for me among the adults. I love him but it's clear that he does not really like Gojo and misunderstands him a lot. He cares about him like a professional colleague and former schoolmate. However, they're not besties. I think Haibara's loss is too much of an overwhelming barrier between them.

Nanami is wise and mature but it's clear in the story that he is human too. Despite logic telling otherwise, he puts Gojo on an unreachable pedestal and resents him for failing him one time - the death of Haibara. This is something I really like about him because it shows that he is not perfect and his emotions cannot simply be ruled over by cold logic. I'm sure Nanami understands that it was the higher-ups that screwed them over. Hence his protective and supportive nature towards Yuji. But, again since Nanami put Gojo on a pedestal, he cannot help the slight bitterness he would always have towards the Six Eyes user.

Because of that bitterness, Nanami does not see Gojo beyond the surface level. Although, another reason might be is that he is scared to see Gojo as human who can get hurt like them too. To think of Gojo as a person might break Nanami's worldview.

-> Megumi: His relationship with Gojo is complicated to say the least. While I love to headcanon them as a loving perfectly functional family, I know in canon that they're not exactly all sunshine and rainbows together. Megumi has a very bad first impression of Gojo and it is something that persists throughout their times together. He is like that "first-child" phenomenon of a parent figuring things out on how to properly treat a child and got fucked up by it.

Gojo did did everything wrong in their first interaction. He did save Megumi and Tsumiki. He even gave the kid a choice on what to do and was planning on telling him the truth about Toji. Those were kind actions BUT that was after Gojo delivered the disgusting news about Megumi being sold like cattle. To cap it all off, Gojo encourage the boy the get strong.

So, how else would Megumi think of him other than being nice on the surface but with a hidden a agenda underneath?

Everyone thinks of Gojo poorly despite everything he does and is only appreciated for his powers. I think the only exceptions are: Yuji, Yuta, and Shoko.

-> Shoko: She was a trio with Gojo and Geto. Out of everyone, she knows him best and truly take his words in for what it is. The trouble tho is they cannot connect because of a misunderstanding. Shoko often waits for Gojo to take the initiative in their interactions first. While Gojo, on the other hand, buys into Shoko's aloof neutral facade and respects it by not getting her roped into his affairs.

-> Yuji & Yuta: I grouped these two together because they are very similar in their relationship with Gojo. They were both outsiders to the jujutsu society and was saved from execution by Gojo. The man was their lifeline literally. Their first impression on him has largely positive despite his weirdness. In fact, out of everyone, Yuji and Yuta are the only ones to see Gojo as a person first then "The Strongest" second. They both worry for him and wanted to rush in to help him (Yuji in Shibuya, Yuta in Shinjuku). I believe the only obstacles that stop them from reaching out to Gojo are: -> He is their teacher. That is both a generational and power gap that is difficult to overcome even in real life. -> Their peers and environment are kind of pressuring them to follow the norm of "Gojo is the Strongest. Don't worry about it. He'd be fine alone."

I had high hopes that it is Yuji, Yuta, or Shoko that could break through Gojo's lonely cycle of sacrifice. If there was anyone that can cross that divide, I thought it would be them after some character development.

So, it is a bitter pill to swallow for me that it was Sukuna that did it first and robbed them of the opportunity by killing Gojo instead. It fucking hurts because it was so unfair for Gojo but more so on the trio who had seen him as a person but were unable to communicate it properly.

In my PoV, Shoko, Yuta, and Yuji were so fucking close at saving Gojo from loneliness and correcting him from his mistaken belief that his love is always one-sided - that no one could ever understand him despite the care he gives judging from the flower metaphor that he used. I partly blame Geto for this and also jujutsu society's toxic culture.

I'm mad and upset that Sukuna got to Gojo first before everyone else has a chance which makes it a beautiful tragedy indeed. I respect Gege for that.

But subjectively, I'm upset about it and find the whole thing so difficult to accept because for that very same reason. It's a tragically beautiful conclusion which makes it a harrowing reminder that this is JJK and JJK is not a pretty world when all I ever want is for Yuji and Shoko to not lose so much more.

[justsescape]

[Introducing the throwback drabble series: old stories brought back to tumblr!]

Ready for your swimming lesson, anon? A shame you don't have some flotation devices of your own~ <3

Kirika's texts read as loudly as her voice; you could almost hear her laughter echoing across the tiled walls. Though this indoor swimming pool was accustomed to dozens of visitors, the club leader spent her nights as a lifeguard, so private access was but a swipe of a badge away. She remotely opened the front door from her cozy security desk. Nothing but the gentle hiss of the HVAC system followed you inside.

I'm going to get into my swimsuit... and so should you, she texted. I'll meet you at the pool, cutie!

If the changing stall Kirika was about to use was anything like the one you had just used, she would be cramped and freezing cold. Surely she'd walk out wrapped in a towel and shivering from head to toe. That's exactly what you were doing, anyway. Even the surface of the pool water was so still that it's like it had been iced over. Moonlight spilled through the skylights and illuminated the room in an ethereal glow.

You spent a few moments handling the bitter air on your own before Kirika revealed herself.

"Here I come~," she called out. Her reputation had always preceded her -- as did her gigantic boobs as she rounded the corner. She'd never win a game of hide-and-seek in a forest. Her breasts would lunge out from behind the trunk of a tree.

"Hey anon, like my new swimsuit?" Kirika's thumbs slipped under the straps like she was wearing overalls. "I went up a few sizes, so I got something brand new!"

Kirika skipped the towel and went straight for the cowprint bikini. It was startlingly, unreasonably small, so much so that the outlines of her puffy nipples drew the cups taut and left a shockingly large portion of her areolae on display. Her stomach was entirely hidden behind the heft of her breasts -- and yet, for their impressive size, they didn't deviate from being nearly perfect spheres. Even beach balls would look on in jealousy at their generous proportions. And with every sauntering step she took, they ever so gently knocked into one another -- making a satisfying and rhythmic bounce that was every bit as hypnotic as a swinging pendulum.

"Sorry about the wait, anon. I took a shower before I came out here, so now I'm all squeaky clean!" Glistening droplets of water slipped down the lengths of her arms, coiled about her shapely legs, and dripped from the tips of her fingers. Some must have been on her stomach as well -- not that you could see it with her massive breasts in the way. What you could see, however, was the bottom half of her swimsuit digging into her waist. A rigorous swimming routine had granted her thighs and buttocks a thickness usually reserved for apple buckers and Olympians.

"Anyway, I brought some floats," Kirika said, taking your hand and intertwining her fingers with yours. A sudden warmth jolted up the length of your arm. With body heat like hers, she could melt ice like she melted hearts. "So why don't you just grab on to mine instead~?"

But what Kirika reached for were not floats -- at least, not in the traditional sense. She dragged your hand between her tits until you were wrist deep, forearm deep, elbow deep into her cleavage. It was comfortingly warm, yet undeniably wet; a combination of her perspiration and the shower water had taken up residence inside and rendered her skin slick to the touch.

"How do you figure, anon? Think they'll float, or are they too heavy?"

She had no interest in putting her question to the test. With you in her breasts' clutches, she forced your back against the nearest tiled wall. Dust shook from the ceiling. She was stronger than she looked.

Kirika couldn't hold her moan. The tiles on your skin were cold, cold, cold -- but her breath was hot, hot, hot. If she got any closer, she'd be swallowing you up completely. After all, her cleavage already was. Your arm all but disappeared into its depths, and now they were fully wrapping around your torso like molding clay and enveloping you from shoulder to waist. Meanwhile, her thighs surrounded one of your comparably slender legs. One little squeeze and she could snap your knee like a twig.

"You're so easy to toy with," Kirika teased, dragging two fingers gently across your jawline. A bead of water dripped from her chin like it was falling from beneath a melting icicle. Her lips were close enough to kiss. "But that's why I like you so much, anon... and that's why I'll let you do this..."

Kirika took your free hand in one of her own and guided it to her nipple. All it took was one little touch, one tiny graze, and milk began to soak through her swimsuit and trickle down her breast.

"Mmmmmmnngh... mmmOOOOoooo...~"

Kirika's moos echoed off the tile walls. The quantity of milk she was lactating was comparable to a garden hose, and soon her product slathered the floor in lazy, haphazard patterns. Puddles soaked into the grout between the tiles; some even dared to venture into the pool itself. You felt a sensation of stickiness underneath your bare feet.

The HVAC system clicked several times as it switched from heating to cooling.

"Forget the swim," Kirika breathed. She craned her neck until her mouth was right beside your ear. Her voice was as smooth as melted chocolate. "Let's drain the pool and fill it with my milk instead...~"

[thevalleyoftriumph]

hi!! saw your post of DID Chosen (am I allowed to call it that??) and I have been curious ever since, apologies if any of these has been asked before https://www.tumblr.com/thevalleyoftriumph/757624875107090432/so-um-for-those-who-arent-in-the-ava-community?source=share ^ Post I'm referring to just in case What are your characterisations of Chosen, Beast and Killer like? Going off of Killer not recognising Dark in the post, it was Chosen fronting in AVA3 yes? Who was fronting during showdown? Going once again off the post Beast is non-verbal/ mute/ straight up doesn't know how to talk, is that why he resorted immediately to violence upon returning from Alans PC? Assuming that was Beast Was Chosen co-conscious during showdown? Simply watching as someone else used his hands to tear his best friend apart? Or did he come back to find his life destroyed, and best friend killed, with no idea how any of it happened Also, what are Chosen, Killer's and Beasts pronouns? I assume they differ from eachother. And are your Chosen and Dark siblings? Sorry I'm aware this is an insane amount of questions, apologies if it is overwhelming Final thing, all I know about DID is from DissociaDID (may be spelled wrong) on YouTube, and I have no idea how trustworthy of a source they are, nor have I watched them in years, so apologies if any of the terms/ information I have here is out of date or proven false Anyway, that's all, hope you have a good day :]

hi oh my god anon i love you. sorry i just really adore getting asked about stuff i love yapping and youve offered me a LOT to talk about, please expect a MASSIVE wall of text. like i mean it the wall is huge and took me like, an hour or two to type up. you opened the floodgates anon.

FIRST THINGS FIRST ☝ never apologize for being curious it is the most wonderous trait a person could have. i have spoken about some of these before but mostly in the replies or dms of people and thus it is perfectly okay by me to ask for me to repeat them here. secondly your questions are not at all overwhelming in fact i got very excited to answer once i realized how much youve asked. thirdly your phrasing is pretty accurate yes! ones you used are def pretty common, and i appreciate the willingness to be corrected - lots of phrases [though not specifically the ones you used, i mean more generally] are picked up and dropped by people for a whole variety of reasons ranging from comfort to accuracy to current knowledge, so being open to being corrected is a wonderful mindset to have when going into something youre unfamiliar with ! <3

anyhow, answers to the questions, numbered to each, under the cut ^_^ and just for ease im also going to actually type like a normal human being just this once lol. last warning here if you click "keep reading" youre in for a MASSIVE wall of rambling!

1: What are your characterisations of Chosen, Beast and Killer like?

I'd say my characterizations aren't anything too far from common interps, mostly regarding Chosen.

Chosen is a relatively soft spoken and monotone individual. He's prone to getting lost in thought a lot, especially when in conversation - he likes to think things through very much before speaking. A stick of few words, he likes being simple and blunt. He has a very hard time trusting people, but when he does, he trusts fully and deeply -- he is a very, very loyal person once that trust is earned. Even if someone he trusts does something to cause him to become upset with them, such as with Dark, he is willing to hear them out. Despite this, he's also very rash - much as he loathe to admit it. He may not speak without thinking, but he very much acts without thinking, sometimes even doing something without realizing it at first. This leads to a lot of things bad - such as him shoving Dark from the console in the flashback. He acts in ways he thinks he should, consciously or not. He's also got a bit of Dark's stubborness - once he sets his mind to something, it's a very difficult task to get him to back down.

Killer is, despite their name, very different from what you'd assume. They're a relatively happy person, all things considered, and despite having trust issues of their own, often tries to see the best in people. They're also a more ""casual"" fronter, bordering on co-host, as they usually end up in front for more minor things, or even just incidentally after they wake up. They're quick to adapt, usually masking as Chosen in these cases, but are equally quick to relax in safe environments and be more themselves. They're very talkative, and love learning about any and all topics that interest them. They also fidget a bunch - often with the ends of the body's scarf, or with their bracelet, gloves, belts, whatever is closest. Despite all this, they're also quite jumpy - they are primarily responsible for internal things, especially regarding their memories, and thus holds quite a few negative feelings and memories that they'd all rather not have. And yet, somehow despite all of that, they have a hard time with people. Like shown in the comic, Killer isn't always in front, and doesn't have access to nearly as many memories as you'd think for someone with their "role." In fact, they had no idea Dark existed until the very moment in that comic, which in my mind takes place years after Dark and Chosen ended up living together. How on earth they managed to go that long without meeting him, well your guess is as good as mine. I'd say it's a mix of good timing [or bad, depending on how you look at it] and generally "better" circumstances not requiring them to switch in as much as they previously had to.

Beast... Beast is a whole other can of worms, honestly. It's a general wildcard. The result of being treated inhumanely and without compassion, Beast is someone who is stuck in fight or flight mode for it's whole life -- and it's response is anything BUT flight. It is aggressive to anyone outside of the system, and anything it could see as a threat to their safety. Like I mentioned, it doesn't really speak - internally, it can't, and externally, it just forgets that the body isn't limited like it is, so it ends up silent. This leads to a lot of body language - it is incredibly expressive, and has a bit of a staring problem when it's not actively trying to maul something. Honestly if I drew sticks with eyes it'd totally do that thing that cat eyes do in the dark where it just looks at you super ominously from the shadows lol. Anyways, despite this, as I will always reiterate when talking about Beast's personality, it is not malicious. It is not evil, and it is not trying to hurt people on purpose. It is, first and foremost, protective and scared. It does not know HOW to calm down, or how to feel safe, because every time it's ever fronted, it has been faced with progressively worse and worse circumstances. It is determined and protective, and willing to go to great lengths to protect the system -- and perhaps, one day, if it can heal enough to trust others, it would do the same for them. If you thought Chosen was loyal, then you haven't seen Beast at its absolute best.

2: Going off of Killer not recognising Dark in the post, it was Chosen fronting in AVA3 yes? Who was fronting during showdown?

You'd be correct, for the most part! During the beginning of AVA3, when Chosen was still imprisoned as the ad-block, it was primarily Beast - thus, the chains on it's design, and its seeming unawareness of them. Then, once freed, Chosen had essentially force-fronted into co-front with Beast to fight his way out, eventually allowing Beast to sorta "pull back" out of front over the course of the episode - probably when Chosen and Dark team up. [And for clarification - when I mean "pull back," I mean sorta slowly being pulled from front in a switch. I'm not ever really sure how to describe what it feels like to slowly not front instead of being forcefully switched out, but this is how it makes the most sense to me. I'm sorry if it makes absolutely zero sense to anyone else lol]

As for who was fronting during Showdown, I'll admit that I haven't entirely decided. Initially for sure, during the flashback, it is 100% Chosen. Even during the early fight scenes it's primarily him - he's not being completely overpowered or even threatened with complete death [as, at the very least in my interp, Dark never intended to kill Chosen, just incapacitate so that he could go through with his plan. He only started striking to kill with the CG, but not Chosen - never Chosen.]

However, I'd say Chosen and his systemmates were, after a point, REALLY fucking blurry for a lot of that episode. Rapid switches that left them disoriented and dizzy and much slower to react than they'd usually be. When Chosen goes back to Alan's PC, that is when it's not necessarily unclear anymore. I'd say at that point particularly, Chosen has pulled away enough for the sorta blurry mess in front to be exclusively Beast and Killer, with Killer being busy masking as Chosen to get rid of the Virabot, but Beast being sorta hovering ominously over their shoulder internally thanks to the SEVERELY negative associations with the desktop. Killer's masking would probably have slipped a bit at seeing the CG, mostly out of personal shock at learning about them, but they would've left back to the Outernet before they could really think too hard about it.

The rest of the episode, especially when Chosen is seen overpowered by Virabots, is totally 100% Beast IMO. The situation of being contained, restricted, overpowered and in danger - life threatening to them, even if Dark never intended for it to be that way - it was much too similar to their early days on the desktop. Thus, Beast VERY solidly force-fronted and in doing so with taking complete ""control"" made it so neither Killer NOR Chosen were there for the ending of Showdown. A lot of the actions done once TSC came back were just done out of shock, and a very rare show of trust - TSC had shown Beast that they were willing to fight to protect them, collectively, even if it was really in response to their friends being harmed - protect one, protect them all, if that makes sense. TSC had removed the threat, and thus, Beast had sorta filed them away as one of the very few ""trustworthy"" sticks - even if it's not necessarily trust, it's the closest thing to it.

3: Going once again off the post Beast is non-verbal/ mute/ straight up doesn't know how to talk, is that why he resorted immediately to violence upon returning from Alans PC? Assuming that was Beast

Beast totally had a hand in it, yeah. Despite it and Killer being relatively equally "there" so to speak during the return to the PC in Showdown, Beast did have a MASSIVE influence on their collective actions. Killer fought because it knew it had to prevent bad things from happening, while Beast fought because it was the ONLY thing it knew to do to prevent bad things from getting WORSE. That is to say you're pretty spot on there lol

4: Was Chosen co-conscious during showdown? Simply watching as someone else used his hands to tear his best friend apart? Or did he come back to find his life destroyed, and best friend killed, with no idea how any of it happened

As briefly explained previously, Chosen wasn't the only fronter for a lot of it, and got completely booted out of co-consciousness after a point. Thus, while he knows logically that he fought with Dark, and when he DID front again, he could connect two-and-two together and realize that Dark got fucking murked, you're right to assume has remembers VERY little of the in-between and the specifics.

In fact, quite a few memories from even the co-conning were instead "given" to Beast and Killer. That's not exactly how it works but it's the best way I can describe it, based off my own experiences with co-conning with others -- sometimes you just don't end up getting the memories if there's multiple people in front, for one reason or another.

Anyhow, yeah, most memories of that day are kinda stuffed in the metaphorical closet. Chosen knows something happened between him confronting Dark and him ending up at home on the couch with a hole in the 2nd floor walls, but he just.. doesn't remember any of it. He can make the connections - he can look out the window and see the result of TSC's final blow to Dark from their house, after all. He can tell Dark isn't just hiding out somewhere. He's forgetful, not a fool. But he doesn't know what happened in the fight, or necessarily who killed Dark, and honestly Chosen's internal communication with his systemmates is absolute shit and there's no way in hell Killer OR Beast are leaving notes about a Really Traumatic Event in a journal for him, so his ass is NEVER finding out unless someone tells him.

[Which, to explain why he knows of TSC's powers in Wanted in that case, on some occasions memories do get ""passed"" from alter to alter. This is usually done in the case of "filling in" for the host, for example, where the alter requires information that another alter had taken in. This is commonly seen in situations where, for instance, a system is out at the store, but whoever entered had switched out for one reason or another, and the new fronter needs to mask as the other one to finish their task without "giving away" that something happened. This isn't the most common thing for Everyone I'd say, but it happens with my system sometimes, and also happens with some of my system buddies too. Thus, in my mind, it happens to Chosen too sometimes. It doesn't ALWAYS happen! Ie, that time Killer had no idea who Dark was. But it Can and so I'm portraying it here lol.]

5: Also, what are Chosen, Killer's and Beasts pronouns? I assume they differ from eachother. And are your Chosen and Dark siblings?

They do, yeah! While I've seen some systems sorta default to one or two sets of pronouns collectively, a lot of alters DO have preferences for pronouns pretty commonly. I mean, I myself vary wildly from some of my systemmates, a lot of whom, for example, use she/her, but I myself don't at all! It's honestly pretty interesting to see the differences, from a curiosity standpoint.

Anyways, back to Chosen. I would once again like to state that these are my personal headcanons and also I don't own Killer OR Beast, I'm just giving them character, and thus not everyone may agree necessarily.

Chosen: He/him primarily, but doesn't mind they/them too. He's kinda like that one tweet that's like "I think I'm nonbinary but I have a job so idc about that right now" in a way lol

Killer: They/them. Has a very wavery sense of identity though, so it's not like they'll get mad or anything at other pronoun usage. They honestly encourage people to get a little fun with it.

Beast: It/it's. Not in a dehumanizing way, but in a reclaiming sort of way.

Lastly, in my interp of Chosen and Dark, they are indeed siblings, yeah! I really adore the headcanon of all 4 hollowheads being siblings, it makes me incredibly happy, so it's like that in pretty much all of my interps/AUs. If it's work done by me, you can probably assue Chosen and Dark are related lol.

anyway yeah that's about it i'd say :] once again i love you so very much for asking questions, and i hope these answered them and didn't just run you in circles for twenty minutes ! i do have a bit of a habit of just yapping on and on and not being very clear, so if anything doesn't make sense or if you want me to expand on any points, or even if i've just repeated or even contradicted myself, then feel free to point it out or ask anything else! ^_^

[hirkyy]

hi!! so I saw your post, but I promise I'm not here to be a dick. while I get where you're coming from and I 100% agree women should be allowed to complain and speak out against their oppressors, most of the discussions (at leas the ones I've seen and engaged with) regarding the "hatred of men" and some of its roots in terf garbage aren't talking about that kind of stuff! they're specifically referring to actual discrimination and abuse that happens towards men specifically because they're men- how they're "naturally aggressive/abusive" and how its in their nature to want to rape and violate women.

where the TERF stuff comes in involves how these ppl don't see trans women as women, and only think they're out to prey on them by easily gaining access to their spaces- rarely are trans men painted so passionately as predators in the same way trans women are. butch lesbians (such as myself) at times are also attacked because we're also seen as predators and creeps for being more masculine.

now is the unkindness and discrimination towards men on the same par of what women have faced? absolutely not, but it's also not about that. it's never been about how men have it worse than women and that women shouldn't be allowed to speak up. that's not to say there's never some moronic fuckbag out there that says otherwise, but i promise they're not relevant to our viewpoints and ragging on them is 100% justified lmao.

but!! i apologize if i misread what your post was about, i just. wasn't completely sure bc of how some things were worded. sorry also for the massive text wall and if i sounded rude at any point aaa. i hope what i've said's been helpful if need be!!

anon, with respect to your commitment towards being courteous and civil, i stopped reading after "actual discrimination and abuse that happens towards men because they're men", which is not a real thing.

i made a post talking about how infuriating it is that women are expected to cower and grovel to their oppressors because any expression of anger is immediately punished and twisted to make You the evil one and then the conversation is immediately hijacked to be about "misandry akshually" and you're all doing the same thing right under it, honestly the commitment is impressive.

being a misandry truther won't loop right back around to supporting trans women, you know

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Help I'm crisising

I'm aroace and i have this friend who I've known for a couple years but only gotten close two in the last few months, and I really like her. I've had a weird alterous attraction crush on her for literal years and recently now that we've gotten closer I'm wondering if we could someday be in some sort of qpr thing. I know she's some sort of queer, and she knows that I am, though not specifically aroace, and I know she's not in any relationships.

The problem is:

I'm really confused about what I feel, cause I've never felt anything close to this for anyone, ever, and I'm also really aware that she's one of the first friends and definitely the closest that I've had since a major depressive episode I had that lasted 1-2 years and so I'm worried that maybe I'm kinda latching on to her to feel normal and not lonely anymore. Basically I'm just constantly second-guessing my feelings, but I also have pretty solid evidence that I shouldn't trust myself with them.

I don't know what she knows about being aroace, and I don't know if she'd be interested in a QPR

I don't know if she's interested in me. She definitely likes as a friend, but I'm horrible at telling what feelings people have towards me beyond than friendly, angry, or indifferent

And if ever she made a move on me, I'd be into it, but I don't know how to explain "actually I'm aroace and so like half of the things you'd expect out of an allo dating relationship are off the table, and also I will never be able to love you in the way most would people expect from me" Also, at what point do you even bring that up? Before or after doing anything? The inciting incident of all this was today when she was driving me home from her place and while we were leaving her brother was bugging me to tell him about her love life and asking questions like "Does she have a bf/gf? Is she dating (other friend of hers)?" and "Are you two dating? Are you going to kiss in the car?" and she told him to stop and not make me uncomfortable, but in my head I was just thinking "not as uncomfortable as you think." And then I was thinking about maybe kissing her the whole car ride, and I was kinda hoping maybe she would. Sorry for the massive wall of text I'm overthinking everything and driving myself mad. I don't have anyone who knows I'm queer besides her so I have nobody to talk to about this.

First of all Anon, remember that it's OK to be confused, and it's OK to not be quite sure what you want. You're navigating these feelings for the first time, and they're generally big feelings which can also make them harder to decipher, especially in the moment.

Sometimes imagining different scenarios can help and sometimes certain scenarios will appeal to you a lot more (remember QPRs are heavily tailored, and can include and not include whatever the people in them want). Sometimes journaling can help with sorting out what you're feeling too, and if you're not sure where to start, there's a lot of good tips for effective journaling online.

It is OK to not have everything figured out right away. Sometimes things also play out over time, you can talk and try things out and see where things go. Honestly my advice would probably be to just start by telling her you're aroace and, if this is something you want to pursue, talking about QPRs, or how aroaces sometimes do relationships a bit differently where the relationship can be tailored to each other/pick and choose what that relationship involves or not. And maybe that would be something that appeals to her, maybe it won't, and you can take note of how you're feeling too. (Of course if you decide you prefer the relatioship you have with her now and don't want to change anything, that's an option too.)

Go easy on yourself, you're figuring all this out as you go. Remember there's two ways this can go, either things work out how you want them to, which would be great, or they won't and you'll still learn a lot in the process and be a lot more ready and prepared the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.

All the best, and good luck!

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

The yapping anon is back to yap some more about LUKE AND KIERAN BECAUSE AAAAAAAAH I'll give you a seatbelt because boy I don't know how long this one will turn out... Once again I apologize in advance aaldjksj this is actually my 2nd time writing it because tumblr app decides to wiped my first text vomit

LIKE. You don't know how MUCH I reread the fic multiple times after I send the ask up until NOW. Either reading my favorite scenes, reading the particular scene I was craving to reread, or simply reread the whole thing fully again and again! You got me stuck on a brainrot and I won't have it any other way.

THE WHOLE THING IS JUST SO GOOD.... I somehow use Kieran's dialogues as a divider of how it is organized scene by scene in my head, and... Personally, I don't know what about it but "Later. Later. I'm not done with you. Just— shit. Just be quiet." GETS ME EVERYTIME. IT IS SIMPLY THE PART I KEPT REPEATING THE MOST BECAUSE--- AAAAH?? I DON'T KNOW. THE DESPERATION AND URGENCY IN THAT SINGLE LINE GOT ME FEELING SO MANY THINGS EVERY SINGLE TIME AAAAA. AND THE GOOD GIRL PRAISE BEFORE THAT?? I'M WEAK. ALSO THE UNCHARACTERISTIC BEGGING?? AAH!!! ALSO THE AMOUNT OF FRUSTRATION ON THE NEXT SHIT FUCK IT'S SO HOT!!! AND THEN!!! THEN!!! THE ABSOLUTE BURNING DESIRE THAT HE STILL TRIES TO DENIES AS HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CHANTING CAN'T WHILE HE KISS US BREATHLESS ALSJALDJSJSJS The way he crumbles afterward, the wall he kept beyond the reach of the mask as he finally breaks down crying!!! I'm sorry Kieran but the part you cried might possibly be my most favorite part- I love the vulnerability of it so so much. Those chants of I can't.... sigh. And don't get me started with the confession that's so soft... I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I've said it in my initial ask and I'll say it again I'M SO HAPPY HE SAYS IT FIRSTTTT I FEEL LIKE THE ORDER OF THE CONFESSION MEANT SOOOO MUCH.

But I also can't get enough of rereading the rules- those descriptions when he knew, and we know he knows. The moments dancing in a thin line!! And the flashback of the first time aaaaaah I really love the part he gives us the choice, taunting us, and then moves so swiftly and quickly to make us come undone like AAH THE CASUAL PETNAMES DROPPPP the authority in his words!! I love the descriptions of the less intimate stuff of his actions that feel like it means something and it is something. You wrap up the canon interaction and lace it up into beautiful description sobs I also love the casual nonchalant of the beginning part and how soft and gentle vulnerable moments slips in at the end ALL IN ALL I JUST WANNA SAY I TRULY LOVE EVERY SINGLE PART OF THIS FIC AND I MIGHT BE REPEATING MYSELF A LOT BUT AAAAAAAH I really can't have enough rereading and gushing about it!!

Also YES!!! Initially, I don't have any thoughts about the twins face, I was satisfied with them faceless behind that mask because they're absolutely handsome and stunning as it is, but GOSH your fic made me finally depict a face for him and essentially them!! Thanks to your fic I now have my own headcanon of their face and I just want to smush that face and pepper kisses all over them GRRR *hisses in cute aggression* I know that descripting something that instead can't be described is a MASSIVE challenge and definitely difficult, that's why I want to compliment you specifically on it in the initial ask! I appreciate so much how it basically gives us freedom to imagine what kind of face is behind that mask, and yet give us(well at least in my case this is absolutely truth:) enough stimulation to explore our own imagination of how the face behind it is. You did an incredible job aaaaaaaaah I cannot put enough compliments into words ;;

AND AAAAAAAAAAH??? THE DRAFT???? OH GOSH THE DRAFT!!!! I WOULD D E V O U R THAT. You got me whipped with Kieran, if Luke were to actually appear in the fic I would be IN SHAMBLES 😭 I WOULD READ THAT NO MATTER HOW LITTLE OR HOW LONG IT IS... I'LL LIVE FOR IT... (Not being actual pressure for you to write it, of course! I'm just fangirling) I love how the fic ended up focusing fully on Kieran but that scene would've tied out the missing pieces so well!!! I'll love it either way sobs

AND YES I REALLY LOVE HOW HE'S THE YOUNGER OF THE TWO!!! ;; I'm usually attracted to the chatty one rather than the quiet one, and I tend to go with the older than the younger one but for Kieran he's just bulldozing his way into my heart with a banner that says "THIS USER IS A LUKE AND KIERAN TRUTHER" and I'm all in for it

Is it now the time for me to says after I read the fic for the first time I decided to dug your entire #(this user is a luke and kieran truther) tag and have seen that, along with the other character analysis, all the little asks about them, along with everything else in between??? 🥺🥺 Also my initial bias is also Xavier!! So I feel you so much, the difference is Sylus AND his henchmen hit me like a truck and made me lose my single bias title....

While on this topic I actually have a question! Has the story so far ever mentioned we've seen the twins' face behind the mask? IF YES, WHERE WAS IT WRITTEN??? I NEED IT. This obsession is making me this 🤏 close to just compile recording of every single of the twins appearance in the main story and the bond and cards... But that'll probably need to wait for me to actually finish up reading all Sylus' card.

You also got me hooked on DLMLU and I Like it!! I'm seeing your masterlist and I respectfully awaits the day you finish Luke's I Like It fic.... 👀 I was actually a cle era stay, so hearing their songs again lately has been nostalgic to me! Hyunjin did great on emphasizing the desperation and denial and the concealed sadness on DLMLU and I live for Seungmin's I Like It intro..... And I do feel like that intro describes the twins perfectly!!!

I LIVE and LOVE to devour any little bits of crumbs of a whole cookie you have and will drop about the twins... I'm so gonna inhale all of it please do keep gushing out for the twins know that I support you fully(no actual pressure and expectations here, please just be yourselves!) I love the headcanon about Kieran being taller!! He definitely gives the tall vibe, though honestly either of them will tower us so there's barely any difference haha

And about Luke and Kieran POV!! I am one of those people who prefer the 2nd POV on these types of self insert scenarios BUT I'M A TOTAL SUCKER FOR THE POV OF THE GUY IN THE STORY.... I'm DEFINITELY very interested if you ever make one!! One of the many things I really love about the fic is the instances where we knows when he knows. But I can't help but be giddy to imagine if there's snippets of how the twins actually feel in those situations!! Since there's a difference in assuming and guessing and understanding the other party and actually reading something precisely of what running through the other party's mind! I guess it's kind of the crave like wanting to hear telepathically what exactly they're thinking? They conceal so much and I'm sure there's millions of thoughts running through their head despite their aloof appearance and I feel like you could DEFINITELY nail the description of it! Of course again, disclaimer, this is all meant to be more for a compliment rather than a request! Please do whatever you'd like to do, I'm all in for anything you so graciously provide for free on this internet!!

All in all I'm just really happy and delighted about everything!! Thank you so much!!!

WAIT OMG 😭 this got buried in my inbox i'm sososo sorry for getting to this late 😭😭🤲🤲🤲

ANONIEEEEE it's so nice to hear from you again omg 🥺 this got me feeling all soft and fuzzy again this morning!!!!!! you're so so so so sweet oh my gosh like i'm just. so happy reading all this, and knowing i have you dragged down the luke and kieran brainrot with me 🤭🤭🤭

and like, i actually really really REALLY love finding situations to push characters to act uncharacteristic of themselves, because to me that means that situation means so much to them that they break character, and it's SO fun to write, just as much as me reading them!! i'm so glad you love those parts, because they're my favorites too 😭🤍

ALSO—it's actually?! surprisingly canon that mc has seen their faces and i know technically we're mc BUT I'M LIKE. SO JEALOUS OF HER. LMFAOFJSJJGBS the first time we talk to the twins (when mc wakes up!), she describes seeing their facial expressions and such! she doesn't narrate/describe facial features, so we don't know how they look like... but there's subtle implications that she does know, because she wouldn't have narrated that way if they were wearing their masks!

i meed a luke and kieran face reveal so badly...

(ALSO YOU'RE A STAY?!!?!?! OH MY GOD. I KIND OF LOVE YOU EVEN MORE RN WAAAHHH?!?!?!!!!!! ALWAYS SO SO HAPPY TO SEE STAYS IN MY INBOX IM GIVING YOU THE BIGGEST HUG EVER)

[hawker-the-gary]

i turned on anon cuz i don't wanna be hated for all of eternity if this backfires, but I am a massive UT fan, and a writer in my spare time. I don't do art, but my whole schtick is like...learning everything I can about an AU and then basically making versions of said AU in which every horrible decision possible has been made- I less write storylines, and more re-imagine the world, but I was wondering if I could do my thing with DC- there is so much potential for grimdark psychological there (no I'm not going to turn chara into an obsessive knife-wielding maniac, that's basic asf and I do originality, for instance I turned Killertale into a deal between a succubus and a corrupt medieval knight. (gonna stop there cuz otherwise I'd write a text wall) #hyperventilating

I appreciate that you're asking, anon! And my response is, I'd leave ADC alone ;w; please, for my mental health i just want to fully move on from the fandom and continue with my own stories. Having the AU reimagined will get people coming back to me asking for it and I don't want that. So sorry, i have to say no to this one.

[changbunnies]

hi! I was wondering how you're able to post a longfic with more than 40K words on here? Tumblr won't let me do more than ~30K because of 'text block limit' :,) is there a special way to do it? thanks!

i'm sorry you're dealing with that anon, that's weird :( i've never experienced any trouble posting my fics but I have heard long fics are hard to post for other ppl because Tumblr gets wonky after a post reaches a certain length //

idk if this is a factor in your case but I only ever post and format my fics from desktop and never on mobile! also according to the Tumblr help center post here there is a text block limit of ~4k words for a single paragraph. it's possible that Tumblr thinks your entire fic is one single paragraph?? if that's the case i'd double check that your fics paragraphs are properly spaced and divided so the Tumblr doesn't get confused and think it's one massive wall of text

if that's not the issue you can feel free to shoot me another ask and we can keep troubleshooting together <3 I hope you find out what's going wrong soon so we can all read your work !!

[sinbinfamiliar]

(Theory-Anon) okAY I gotta ask if you fast-passed the most recent episode??? (lol np about the late response I totally get how much time a new hyperfixation can take up since I'm guilty about that myself) But on the subject of your response, I actually agree the more I think about it that Glad might not be a completely "failed" experiment. He may not have physical powers like the rest of the infected, but perhaps other things? Like, he can talk to his raven so idk if that's just him understanding her feelings or if they actually share an actual conversation when they communicate.

I'm definitely also curious as to how the whole "exchange" deal is gonna go with Rayne and Kenny.

And Oak was done dirty and I genuinely feel bad for the poor guy. He has so much emotional trauma on top of literally being eaten alive and just generally bullied by the gang lol. He literally said he doesn't do well in dark or enclosed spaces alone and what does Adon do? Throw him in a dark cell practically alone. I was just waiting for Gressil to say "welcome to the rebellion, tree-man" lol.

Honestly, I gotta say that Adon reminds me a little too much of Mateo. He is more than willing to punish his subordinates for a screw-up without batting an eye. He also has his eyes closed a lot which of course reminds me of Gressil, and then his face shape and color pallet is very similar to Rayne's past girlfriend (who is the only unnamed character of importance so far other than Adon's wife and the cancer patient in Rayne's flashback from Ep.5)

Apologies for the massive wall of text lol but I have a ton of character study stuff I wanted to rant about for a sec (for some reason tumblr had been glitching and giving me a word limit on my previous asks but I guess it's fixed now??)

Again if you've fp'd the most recent ep I'd love to exchange ideas about it whenever you have the time!! :D

AAAAH tumblr never ever let me know I was sent this omg!!! I am so so so so sorry ;-;

Some of this is obviously out of date now for the rely cause i never noticed this ask 😰 so I'll reply to what I can still that isn't completely out of date. But as always I'm ALWAYS fast passes to see the most recent stuff. It's the one thing I spend money on every week to make sure I can read it lol

But oof Oak. Yeah I actually feel really bad for him. The more I am seeing each chapter and how Adon acts the more I'm feeling worse for most of the others, but specifically Oak now. Honestly, I hope the poor guy gets out and gets to like, make his own choices. He deserves to be treated better. The trauma he seemingly went through has me feeling for him 😫

The more I have seen of Adon the more he does remind me of Raynes past girlfriends color scheme an awful lot actually I must agree. The dude is slowly trying to become worse then Mateo though with each new chapter I swear. As if trying to race past and be like "but I can be worse actually!" Like damn dude.

Seemingly tumblr has been glitching for both of us since I never was even alerted I had this. I think I'll try to look at my asks more frequently now incase this has happened ;-; sorry again anon

[cebwrites]

hey Cev, if you feel inspired by this may I please request some nsfw hcs with our dino-softie being teased and loved by a smaller gn or male reader? I bet X Drake loves having his nipple played, sucked and smooched all over until he feels completely powerless and loses control almost transforming mid pleasure. Also just saying but what if his s/o was like a zoan type devil fruit user or maybe they have just fangs, double the fun I bet ;) leaving all sort of hickeys and bite marks that he will never be able to hide in the next days. Sorry for this wall of text I just got really excited and Thank you as always for all the good content ^^

anon i'm kissing you directly on the mouth for this ask you're so right this is the treatment that soggy little dino meow meow DESERVES 😤😤 pardon my indulgence~ 💕

i mixed up the formats a little to help my stinky fish brain write this, hope you still enjoy!!

Teased by male reader (X Drake)

nsfw under the cut [cw: nipple play, toys, orgasm denial, anal, handcuffs, mild blood] word count: 0.7k

X Drake. 

One of the navy’s elite, a ferocious beast on the battlefield, a supernova; and now? Splayed across the mattress of a surprisingly accommodating hotel room, arms shackled to the bedposts by sea stone and legs spread apart for his partner’s lovely viewing pleasure as they slide the lubed up vibe into his prepped hole. Drake pulls weakly against his restraints, sending what could be read as both a whine and a grumble to his boyfriend from behind the cloth mask being used as a gag.

“You’re so brazen, Shōshō, leaving yourself open and vulnerable like this~”

Drake would let out another whine when you seat yourself just above his cock, letting it rest against the curve of your ass but ultimately denying him of the much needed friction you both know he’s bursting at the seams for

Your hands cup that glorious, broad chest of his - Drake was massive, not by any of the Grand Line’s standards, but since you were already a little smaller than most, the difference still counted - and got to work

You fondled and kissed them, making sure each tit got just as much affection as the other, toying at his nipples while keen eyes watched your partner’s every twitch and change of expression

You leaned down to take one of the sensitive buds into your mouth, relishing in the muffled groan that rumbled from his throat, and felt around for the remote to the marine’s vibrator

Rear Admiral Diez could handle a higher setting, as a treat

When you did, the response was immediate, Drake bucks his hips in response to the stimulus and cries out behind his gag, arms straining against the seastone that binds him and for a moment you wonder if the bedframe would hold out

No matter, this was far more important

“Does that feel nice, Captain? Do you like it~?”

Delicately grinding against the throbbing member against your ass but not nearly providing enough contact for his liking; one hand brushes over his cheek, you trace the drool dribbling down at his chin with your thumb in one movement, undoing his gag for him in the next

You press a chaste peck against the corner or his mouth, an absolute mess on the verge of tears, Drake whimpers when you lean up again and you’ll be damned if that doesn’t make your own cock twitch in response, too

You kiss a trail from his forehead, his nose, lips, all the way down to Diez’s neck where you graze your canines against tender skin, smirking when gooseflesh appears and he sucks in an involuntary breath as you rut against his stomach, the marine’s own want still painfully ignored

Your teeth leave marks as they pierce him similar to old scars in the same places, it lights a fire in your belly and only spurs your desire for more, eagerly lapping up the red that would always follow - fangs drift from one shoulder to the other, then back to his chest, his moans and cries a symphony to you in the background

“Please, __, p-please... I need more, __. I want-- I need you.”

“Oh? It’s a need~?”

Satisfied with the positively debauched expression he gives you, you press another kiss to his cheek carefully undoing one of his restraints - almost immediately, the size disparity between you dramatically increases as his hybrid form briefly shows itself before Drake can get a reign on his powers again

The seastone content of the cuffs you used on him was relatively low (miraculous what you can get on the black market, right?), but you weren’t expecting just how much they were holding him back

Drake is extremely apologetic, his free hand now covering his face in sheer embarrassment but everything stops short when you kiss his snout; he opens his eyes to see smugness painted all over your face, somehow blushing more than he already had been when you take his hand to wrap around your cock

“It’s okay, baby boy, I was just a little surprised, that’s all,” you coo between kisses, “But that wasn’t very nice, you know.”

Drake stiffens at the feeling of your ass finally, finally against the tip of his dick, he could almost cry - he’s just barely restraining himself from grabbing you by the waist and going all in when you pull away, moving up to sit on his chest and position your cock directly above his mouth

“We’ll have to train you a little more before you’re allowed your reward tonight for that though, isn’t that right, captain~?”

This time, he actually does cry - you loved this man with all your heart but this?

This was nothing but carnal, babes

[nnatsume]

hihi i love ur blog

can i request ritsu, kaoru and/or rei with a mega insomniac s/o?,,

hi hi anon! thank you lots <3.. hopefully you don't mind that this is a little more light-hearted,, insomnia is a serious problem and can hinder you from living your life normally, and should be treated like a problem—i'm just hoping i can make the topic feel a little lighter for those who struggle with it, as i do too!! please enjoy!! (sorry for the text wall)

✦ — KAORU & RITSU w/ an insomniac s/o !

SAKUMA RITSU

you're.. in a little bit of a pinch here.

the difference feels like it creates a massive rift between you. he sleeps nearly all day, you can't keep an eye shut for more than an hour. you just wake up.

and ritsu really really wants to sleep together with you. sleep is his love language frfr. this dude will invite you to his house and then fall asleep on you. + you'll have lots and lots of sleepovers..

here comes another problem—ritsu is so damn clingy all the time, you're sometimes afraid he is going to squeeze you to death in his sleep because everytime you move he clutches tighter like the snake he is.

so you're oftentimes restricted in your movement and have to stare at the wall for hours at the time while ritsu is having the time of his life in dreamland. you can't take part in it for long, even if you are tired, you can't sleep, and your medication doesn't cut it anymore.

but do not fret, he will catch on after a while and he's not mean enough to have you keep doing that. sleeping together is better than alone is it not? it's a little bit of a selfish wish, too..

"are you going to sleep again?", you asked, for the third time that day. ritsu invited you over and had you try different blankets and beddings and whatnot, only for he himself to doze off. the bed was already sunken in in the spot that he laid in.

more blankets and pillows were tossed on the bed infront of you. "nee, [y/n]-chin is so sour today.. the things i do for them! we are going to sleep, not just me. couples take naps together, no?", he said, crawling up and over to plop himself down right next to you, tugging you down by the arm so that you lay face to face.

"now, i'm tired from carrying all those blankets.. let's sleep."

he'll help you don't worry. it's okay he's read about it on google he knows what he's doing.. you'll be soundly asleep in no time. :thumbs up:

he suggests that you journal before bed, or make a checklist for the next day so it's not worries keeping you awake. he'll join you. it doesn't go as intended as the page ends up filled with terribly deformed little stick-animals instead. but it's a step in the right direction???

can't close your eyes? he'll lend you one of his sleeping masks, it's just like closing your eyes is it not? when it ends up not working, you have to talk him out of bringing the hot glue gun (he's joking he wont glue your eyes shut ok <3)

when that all doesn't work.. journal, checklist, mask, even goddamn hypnosis.. he picks up a whistle and a stopwatch. and a parasol for himself because you are going outside. and you are doing sports that evening. coach ritsu will tire you out physically. if the laws of biology apply to you, then you HAAAVE to sleep properly soon.

and you both are beat. you've ran a whole marathon and a bit more. and he chased after you panting like a dog. now you're both on really low energy. he's learned this in school when you run a lot you get tired. best solution: nap time.

just as usual, you both lay down in the mass of pillows. he's tucked in your chest, arms looped around your torso, snoring quietly as usual. before he went to sleep, he went to direct your hand to his head. (pat his head <3) what's unusual is that you really really feel like you could fall asleep instantly.

mission successful. NOW REPEAT.

HAKAZE KAORU

first thing he feels when he somehow finds out you're staying up for waaaay too long to be healthy is concern. at first he guessed it was just your face, because some people just look tired constantly, but.. you must actually be really tired.

he'll be the fastest to come to your house. kaoru helps when nobody asked and is especially insistent when they refuse so you can't really dodge him

oh and he has a lot of questions when he arrives. why didn't you tell him sooner? since when?? why?? did you consult your doctor?? if you didn't he's taking you there as soon as possible and you're getting a prescription

kaoru will stay on the phone with you until you sleep if you want to—or maybe he'll come over—his vibes are very calming and he can hold a conversation by himself if you just need something to listen to :thumbs up: he'll even sing you a song!! or play you one :D

you felt bad for bothering him, but you would feel even worse if you saw his sulking face the next day—so you called kaoru at nearly midnight. surprisingly, he answered. you were still in bed, but he was at the table, surrounded by papers—and a weird tube. "what is that? is that a flute?", you asked, squinting.

he gasped, insulted, "excuse you? this is a recorder, no flute.", kaoru picked the instrument from the table, holding it straight to his lips. "it's different, see? actually.. let me demonstrate with a song—don't fall asleep quite yet, you might miss the best part!~"

on the nights that you can't sleep, he'll be awake to accompany you. don't even try talking him out of it, it won't work. he is very insistent on being there for you.

if you really really can't sleep and he doesn't have anything important coming up.. you're going on a walk with kaoru!! at night. isn't that great?

you get to pick what you want to do—tire yourself a little so you can get some sleep when you get home. run around a little. maybe you wanna settle down next to a river or something? he'll show you his pebble-tossing skills. watch it bounce seven times, maybe you want to have a contest?

kaoru can allow himself a bit more as well, since it's night and nobody can recognize him—ohoho you can actually go to town unbothered!! prepare to get spoiled. and also be prepared for getting a thousand photos taken of you because he cannot contain himself when the lights make you look so good!!

invite him over already. have a sleepover. or go to his place. he's one of the best people to have when you're going through this because he doesn't judge and will help you out—REWARD HIM ACCORDINGLY!! hold him real tight ok?? goodnight!! sleep tight!! don't worry about the bed bugs kaoru won't let them bite.

[actuallyschizoid]

thanks for posting the word laconic (and bonus points for showing me a word I haven't read) because I was unaware there was a name/exact definition of what is wrong with my speech. I'm a writer, so it forced me to practice normal speech, otherwise one of my only passions would surely crumble. but it is still really taxing when speaking candidly, caused me to withdraw from the better part of my social circle. how do you manage being in person and trying to properly express your point. or do you?

Hey, sorry for forgetting about your ask. ^^’

I haven’t realized the word “laconic” wasn’t widely used in English. In fact, it’s quite popular word in Russian. E.g. some people like to mock each other about how “laconic” they are (in sarcastic tone, meaning that they talk too much). 

And yeah, I have *a lot* of troubles speaking up my mind in person. Well, just generally speaking isn’t easy for me. Even though writing, on the other side, is as easy for me as it gets, really. I can write all day long, I can produce massive walls of unique texts that have meaning I want those texts to express. With little to no effort. On at least two languages. 

Why doesn’t that convert into being able to speak fluently? Or... at all? I’ve no idea, honestly. I write faster than I speak. Heck, I write faster that I *think*. I literally write this whole thing in real time without correcting anything or reading what I just wrote (I barely remember what I started with and what was the question, tbh). 

I’d guess it has something to do with how my schizoid brain works. Or it might have some relation to those few autistic traits I have. Like, the fact that I wasn’t able to speak until I was 3-4 or so, or that I wasn’t able to read properly until I “cracked the code”. And then I could just read almost like adult, just a bit slower. Or that no one really taught me to express my thoughts in text, but that always worked for me better than speaking even in grade school (even though I had no PC back then and handwriting was a massive issue for me).

Anyway... what was the question? Eh... I hope I answered it, whatever it was. ^^’ Original anon won’t see it probably, but whatever.

[pinkislouder]

can I ask how you knew you were gay? sorry if that's too invasive, but I'm struggling so much with figuring myself out :(

Hi love, no no this isn’t invasive at all, and I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. It took me a good....10 years in total to figure it out. 

I think I always sort of had a bit of an inkling. I remember being 9 and admiring the older girls who were the camp leaders duriing summer camp. I used to write their names in my diary and then add stuff like: “If I was a boy, I’d be sooooo in love with them.” There was this really, really happy feeling in my chest when I saw them and I just wanted to be around them 24/7. Looking back, there are so many situations in which I repressed feelings/attraction towards girls because I thought that it was normal to fancy your best friend and sneak her shirt under your pillow so you could smell it. I had crushes on boys, though, so I didn’t have a definite “Oh you’re gay” moment when I was a teenager. In hindsight, all those crushes were on boys that were very much “out of reach”, eg. student teachers, older students, or male popstars/footballers. It was so easy to fancy them because none of those would ever become real. I ignored how my heart would skip beats when my best friend touched me or how her scent was so distinctive to me, and it always sent butterflies tingling in my stomach. When I was 16, I once hinted at a friend that I might be bisexual but I didn’t know what any of it meant, all I knew was that I did not want to be gay. It seemed so definite, so clear, so final, to label myself as gay. I didn’t allow myself to even entertain the thought at all. I had a boyfriend when I was 18, and he was my best friend before that and my feelings for him were confusing but I was so tired of not having a boyfriend (bc I thought that’s what I needed) and when I told my mum that we’d gotten together, she said: “Oh thank god, I was already worried you wouldn’t be interested in the other gender at all”. That kind of solidified my determination to be straight. (The guy and I broke up like three months after we started and it became really awkward).So fast forward to when I was 20, and in my first semester of uni and a girl, who was openly gay, got very drunk one night and then sent me a text in which she told me she was in love with me. I panicked and pushed her away (which I really, really regret. She wouldn’t have been my type, but my reaction was basically to run away. very. fast. And we could’ve been great friends still). I went on a very determined spree through clubs to find the right guy. I had to down massive amounts of alcohol to be loose and relaxed enough to snog a guy, and I took a few home, but as soon as we were alone, I just always wanted it to be over so, so quickly. I’d alway lie there and just wish I was somewhere else. I even went on a few dates with a few guys, and there were a couple of really sweet ones but I felt no connection to them at all. Then, mid-2015 “Home” was released. I had kind of subconsciously realized that I wasn’t going to ever be fulfilled in any way with a man, but then I heard that song, and I just started bawling my eyes out. There was one last attempt to date a man after that, and when I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him even though we were SO compatible on all levels, I finally said to myself, okay, this is it. Stop. So on New Year’s Eve 2015, I vowed to myself to stop pursuing something I obviously didn’t even want. Then a few weeks later, it was my flatmate’s birthday party, I got spectacularly drunk and had my first kiss with a girl. We had been talking all night, and there was this....electric buzz underneath my skin, and then she wanted to go outside for a smoke and asked me to come with her. Then, she handed me her jacket because I was freezing, and we got talking about sexuality, and I said, very quietly, “I think I like girls,” and she grinned at me, very brightly and said, “me too, I’m bi.” And then she slipped her hand around my waist and said: “That deserves a celebration kiss.” And when she kissed me, I literally had that movie moment of fireworks, of walls tumbling down, and knees going weak. I did not want to stop kissing her, I did not even want to go back inside, I just wanted her to hold me like that forever. My heart didn’t stop racing all night. Nothing further happened, we texted for a bit but it sort of went nowhere but I didn’t even care. That’s when I was absolutely sure. I crushed on a lot of girls that semester, I kissed a few in clubs, and came out to a few friends. My parents still don’t really know, I think my mom is aware but I haven’t told my family explicitely. But.... as fucked up as 2016 was, it was the year I finally, finally came out to myself. 

Anyway, this got super long and rambly, I’m sorry. I know that what helped me figure out myself was a lot of music that dealt with LGBT themes, also the MTV show Faking It, and talking openly about it online. I’m here for you, whenever you need to rant, lovely anon. Sexuality is so confusing, and so hard to figure out, especially in a very heteronormative society. I love you, and I’m sending you hugs. You’ve got this.

[actuallyschizoid]

do you have any experience with paranoia of your past / do you know if spd can occur without past trauma? I don't remember any trauma in my past, but so many aspects of my life point towards some traumatic event... makes me paranoid that I've repressed something, and sometimes makes me feel like i'm faking my spd

I had similar thoughts, actually. 

It kinda is on a surface, isn’t it? Like… there’s so much wrong with you, brain. Come on… I know you’re hiding something from me. Spill it out already. There must be a good valid reason why you are this way. 

But the thing is… I guess sometimes there’s just no reason behind why you are this way? At least no singular point one. Or even any realistic quantity of multiple points. 

Szpd just happened to be this weird personality disorder that doesn’t require you to suffer a trauma, at least as far as I know. Sure, there seem to be some correlation with parents being abusive and such. But it can (or maybe even most likely to) just manifest due to the way things generally are for you. 

Maybe it’s because the defining characteristic of szpd being withdrawal from the society (in any form). I.e. willingness to stay away from people — which is not the same thing as for antisocial folks who feel like harming society instead of just being asocial loners. 

So what can cause that? Well, for me it probably wasn’t any trauma per se. I can think of a few minor-ish traumatic events of my past, but honestly none of them left me with this “that’s it, I’m done with this shit” kind of feel. 

Instead this was a rather slow, gradual process of creating a massive mountain of shit. It kept piling up through my early life — but very slowly, by a tiny shit bit at a time. 

I didn’t even notice it at first. Then by the early teen years it was like a natural part of my world. It was just like the truth of the Universe to me: there is a slowly growing pile of shit on your backyard. Nothing to do about it, it’s just there, it’ll always be there and there’s no world without it. (edit: ok, re-reading this made me think of the Oatmeal comic style... that wasn’t intended, but I guess it kinda fits the mood here)

But still for awhile it was tolerable. I could try to ignore it and attempt to fit in as if there’s no pile of shit to stop me from it. Of course it was still there, whether I ignored it or not, so fitting in didn’t really ever work. And that very fact made this pile grow even faster, speeding up to like a shovel per second rate. 

Soon enough it was pretty obvious where it comes from — which is the other people. Or, more specifically, any sort of communication with them. As long as there is none of it, the pile doesn’t grow. 

Or even better: it slowly degrades, and the more time I spend away from people, the easier it gets to breath on my backyard. Actually that was something I figured out pretty early in my life, and ever since early childhood tended to spend most of my time alone. 

But by the time I was well into adult years and was finally able to think for myself more or less, it was like… ok, that’s enough of this shit. This society doesn’t really worth my time if it keeps generating all this mess for me. There’s just one solution left to stop this pile from growing: stay the fuck away from those who produce it. 

So it doesn’t really have to be THE trauma, I think. It can be a countless multitude of tiny little “traumas” ranging from random people staring at you like some dangerous freak to actual abuse. 

But still that possibility of my own mind hiding some important information from me is fascinating in itself. Too bad that’s really unlikely. 

Thing is, I know myself pretty well. It is a known fact that schizoids tend to be ones of the most aware of their own inner stuff among all other people. And I’m probably well into the top 20% of most aware even among my kind. 

The massive amount of time I spend just thinking over my own personality is really unhealthy. There’s very little left which is still beyond my perception or recognition. I know how things work, I know why it is this way, I intentionally learn psychology just to understand myself better. 

The idea that I could forget something massive like being raped as a kid or being lost in the woods or whatever else… I can’t exclude that, of course. More then that, I know there’s a lot about my past that I can’t remember well. But then again, I’d be really surprised if I would forget something like that. 

Because unfortunately I’m not the kind of person to forget the bad stuff and remember the good. Most of what I forget is just… boring. And yes, being bored was a real leitmotif of my past… yeah, I don’t remember all that much. Somehow the only things I remember are the things that really stand out from general boredom.

To think of it, just about everything I still remember is on the negative scale of things. Sure, there is a bunch of brighter events. But, honestly, it was so hard to make me un-bored that all those things most people consider a good memory, — like traveling somewhere, spending time with parents or friends, etc, — I just tossed to trash as completely flat of positiveness. At best they were boring, at worst I remember them because of negativeness that my schizoid self finds in things like spending time with other people.

And nothing of what I remember as negative is really any serious. Those are all minor things any kid (at least around my country) would encounter through their childhood and teen years. For the most part I’d say it’s actually way, way better than average around here. My parents never were the abusive kind, they are nice and caring (they have their issues, though, but being toxic parents isn’t one). 

I know that over the half of my peers would actually be punished by beating at least on a weekly basis, while I wasn’t hit with all seriousness even once. Yet somehow they survive it without developing any PDs (or at least not szpd), and here I am hiding from the world under my blanket for past 10 years. 

Yeah, sorry about random wall of text out of nowhere, I’m not sure how that happened. >.> Anyone’s feeling like talking a bit about your past within this trauma vs general consistent nastiness of the environment subject, please reblog/reply/send asks, anon or not.