#i'm so sad that sam turned out to be a scam

[likeafantasy]

[mlobsters]

supernatural s1e8 bugs (rachel nave, bill coakley)

(this is a rewatch, so spoilers abound)

i haven't been avoiding bugs, i just have been avoiding listening to myself talk about this show. i'm tired, you're tired, etc. so obviously the effects are terrible in this one, and when i watched it the first time i fast forwarded through the climactic bug scene because it took forever. however, i do remember good bro talks

TRAVIS Man, these are some phat houses, huh? I'd like to live here.

were random white people saying phat in 2005? haha

xfiles noise as man falls into pit to get killed by bugs, very appropriate. also, i really do not like bugs as a horror trope in general, i struggle with being chill about bugs in real life. the xf ep with cockroaches? a good funny episode but *shudder*

SAM You know, we could get day jobs once in a while. DEAN Hunting's our day job. And the pay is crap. SAM Yeah, but hustling pool? Credit card scams? It's not the most honest thing in the world, Dean. DEAN Well, let's see: honest, fun and easy. It's no contest.

something endearing about sam just lounging on the impala while dean's inside hustling. also feeling soft because of this good but too-sad (for my current emotional state) stanford era story i was reading

find it kind of funny they're having sam be a scold about how they make money (but also that big smile after dean's answer, i don't think sammy's too pressed.) i can't imagine trying to scrounge up living expenses with day jobs in their nomadic lifestyle, especially with the amount they have to spend on gas

DEAN Besides, we're good at it. It's what we were raised to do. SAM Yeah, well, how we were raised was jacked. DEAN Yeah, says you.

totally jacked and you're gonna be changing your tune sooner rather than later too, dean

oh right, i made some gifs from this episode too. this was a... hmm. well. it was something. dean went on a slight masculinity panic face journey. i don't think sam was being a jerk about it really (? maybe i'm biased at this point) i think he was just genuinely surprised, not mocking. something something dean felt fine bringing it up but mildly freaked out when sam didn't acknowledge in a way that he would have seen it too. and how would dean have reacted if the situation was reversed and sam made the oprah reference? file that under my newly minted spn and masculinity tag i guess (with the comment about sam's "fancy" coffee drink in 1x07)

so i was like i'll add when dean calls sam samantha but like. i searched the transcripts (only searches transcripts on superwiki via google) and only crowley calls him that. has that just been fully absorbed into fanon? whew. the hazards of fic sometimes lol. bobby calls dean princess when he's scolding him in 4x22, rando bartender in 3x04 calls sam princess when he turns down a drink, and jo calls dean princess in 2x06 after he slept badly on a couch or chair while working that apartment job together. huh. interesting. dean calls him frances in that 1x07 instance.

what did i say about being tired of listening to myself talk about this show?

hoo boy, can tell this is a jay gruska music episode. eyes rolling back in my head. he has a gift for annoying me personally with his musical stylings

DEAN All right, I'll go if you're scared. You scared? SAM Flip the damn coin. DEAN All right, call it in the air... chicken. He flips the coin, and SAM catches it in midair. SAM I'm going.

10/10 sibling bickering

DEAN I know a good place to start. I'm kinda hungry for a little barbeque, how 'bout you? What, we can't talk to the locals? SAM And the free food's got nothin' to do with it? DEAN Of course not. I'm a professional.

again with the good banter/bicker

DEAN Growin' up in a place like this would freak me out. SAM Why? DEAN Well, manicured lawns, "How was your day, honey?" I'd blow my brains out. SAM There's nothing wrong with "normal". DEAN I'd take our family over normal any day.

s2e20 what is and what should never be

sure, dean

the x-files s1e5 the jersey devil - andrew airlie as rob / the killing s2e3 as dr madigan

well, we're brothers moment guy has been in a couple of my shows (and he pops up in 15x04 but i didn't hiky him) including being gillybean's date in the xf jersey devil ep!!

as a one-off thing, someone assuming they're a couple, it's kind of whatever. skirting around straight up homophobic joke. but they (the show) make it weird by doing it more than one episode. anyway, i hadn't paid that much attention and didn't realize sam laughed and dean got vaguely indignant

not me trying to figure out when dean switches to the logger boots. i know sam is in sneakers for a fairly long time (like that bad luck at black rock where he loses a shoe, still). good for running around but not great protection

could dean's face get any more scrunched up before he decides to go with it. and sam's amused until he gets his ass smacked (course j2 smack each other all the time at cons, but i guess sam doesn't subscribe to the platonic bro butt smack)

(also whew that's some harsh makeup on this sales person. i get it's part of the personality they're trying to go for but it's A Lot)

LYNDA Who can say "no" to a steam shower? I use mine everyday.

read an article trying to figure out why people would like a steam shower and the long not specific reason was, repeatedly, "wellness." ok

MATT You gonna tell my dad? SAM I don't know. Who's your dad? MATT Yeah, Larry usually skips me in the family introductions. SAM Ouch. First name basis with the old man - sounds pretty grim. MATT Well, I'm not exactly brochure material. SAM Well, hang in there. It gets better, all right? I promise. MATT When?

got our sam-parallel character here. and sammy's not brochure material because he wanted to go to college 😤

SAM Remind you of somebody? Dad? DEAN Dad never treated us like that. SAM Well, Dad never treated you like that. You were perfect. He was all over my case. You don't remember? DEAN Well, maybe he had to raise his voice, but sometimes, you were out of line. SAM Right. Right, like when I said I'd rather play soccer than learn bowhunting. DEAN Bowhunting's an important skill. SAM Whatever.

i know people have very particular thoughts about john and how he raised them and what bad things he did to them. the show made me hate with him a particular intensity mainly because of the neglect when they were so young, and probably kinda sorta using them as bait. but dean's like well, he yelled sometimes, but it was justified. (all parents yell sometimes.) just the understanding that john was raising them as soldiers vs like, you need to learn to swim because it's an important life skill and i don't wanna.

did you know the ever-resourceful superwiki has a section on the impala page for all the times someone besides dean drives baby?

DEAN Maybe they're being controlled somehow. You know, by something or someone. SAM You mean, like Willard? DEAN Yeah, bugs instead of rats. SAM There are cases of psychic connections between people and animals - elementals, telepaths. DEAN Yeah, that whole Timmy-Lassie thing

but dean doesn't know dick van dyke/mary poppins 🤪 is this gonna be another thing i start tagging...

SAM We're gonna squat in an empty house? DEAN I wanna try the steam shower. Come on. (SAM doesn't move.) Come on!

dean wants some of that Wellness ™️i just can't imagine how sitting in steam would be more enjoyable than a good shower, but i'm not about that wellness life

lol sam smacking him in the gut as he reluctantly pulls in to park the car, had to make gifs of that too 🤪

okay i couldn't forget the terrible effects of the spiders in the shower with the high strung makeup lady, but i did forget that she had a whole big ass spider crawling on her face that she just brushes away, mildly annoyed, beforehand. is this a regular occurrence? no freaking out??

the most copy pasted looking spiders ever 😂

towel for comedic effect 😑 sam has no patience for this nonsense, a lady is dead from BUGS, DEAN

speaking of masculinity...

wiki:

This is the only time we see the boys with umbrellas in the rain. Kripke explained why in a Tweet:

"Kim Manners directed X-Files, where they often had umbrellas, so figured it was fine. I called him, said "the boys aren't scared of demons, but they're scared of rain?" From that point forward, a hard rule: no umbrellas. Not easy for Vancouver."(source)

matt is samandriel in s8 who i did a hiky for because he was in the killing too

MATT Believe me, I've tried. But, uh, Larry doesn't listen to me. SAM Why not? MATT Mostly? He's too disappointed in his freak son. SAM I hear you. DEAN You do? SAM Matt, how old are you? MATT Sixteen. SAM Well, don't sweat it, because in two years, something great's gonna happen. MATT What? SAM College. You'll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad. DEAN What kind of advice is that? Kid should stick with his family.

said it before and i'll say it again, when the show wants to make a parallel it will hammer it over our heads 😂 sam and dean are just gonna have a little fight over sam going away to college right in front of matt's salad

DEAN Yeah, so with that kid back there... why'd you tell him to just ditch his family like that? SAM Just, uh... I know what the kid's goin' through. DEAN How 'bout tellin' him to respect his old man, how's that for advice? SAM Dean, come on. This isn't about his old man. You think I didn't respect Dad. That's what this is about. DEAN Just forget it, all right? Sorry I brought it up. SAM I respected him. But no matter what I did, it was never good enough. DEAN So what are you sayin'? That Dad was disappointed in you? SAM Was? Is. Always has been. DEAN Why would you think that? SAM Because I didn't wanna bowhunt or hustle pool - because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which, to our whacked-out family, made me the freak. DEAN Yeah, you were kind of like the blonde chick in The Munsters. SAM Dean, you know what most dads are when their kids score a full ride? Proud. Most dads don't toss their kids out of the house. DEAN I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to recall a few choice phrases comin' out of your mouth. SAM You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad... I don't know if he's even gonna wanna see me. DEAN Sam, Dad was never disappointed in you. Never. He was scared. SAM What are you talkin' about? DEAN He was afraid of what could've happened to you if he wasn't around. But even when you two weren't talkin'... he used to swing by Stanford whenever he could. (SAM'S smirk fades.) Keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe. SAM What? DEAN Yeah. SAM Why didn't you tell me any of that? DEAN Well, it's a two-way street, dude. You could've picked up the phone.

so this is the conversation that i think stuck out to me even the first time watching - it's obviously the kind of, culmination of all the parallel groundwork to bring up the issue. i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it. the way it's framed, it feels like the show is trying to make us sympathetic to john's side, which is dean's side by proxy. which is nonsense. sam is the kid. john is the adult. it's not sam's job to try to go back and fix what john broke by telling him to never come back. there's this emotional music playing as dean tells us john checked up on him at stanford and like okay, so what? sam was still in the lived experience of being kicked out and cut off by his dad (and the show probably doesn't care but the logistics of having literally nowhere to go over the summer, living expenses not covered by his scholarshop, etc) ugh. and i think i complained to someone about wanting to smack dean because he's sticking up for john, and they mentioned that you know, dean's got his own warehouse full of john shaped issues that make him the ever obedient son at this stage. anyway, i'm not mad at the show or anything. but it definitely gets my defensive feelings fired up on sam's behalf. i also have my own little storage locker full of john shaped issues 🤪

editing 9/8/24 to add that I totally missed the fact that Sam was asking why Dean didn't tell him what was up with John and Dean's saying he could have called - so blinded by my irritation at John I was misunderstanding thinking he was saying Sam should have called John. anyway, I don't think Dean can say much if he didn't contact Sam either. just think like okay, so Sam didn't try but you didn't either Dean? but at the end of the day, I also have a hard time accepting knowing how they are about each other that they could both go cold turkey no contact for 3+ years (1x01 Dean says he hasn't bothered him or asked for anything in nearly 2 years and we know that was a mistake of years # due to aging Sam up a little and not adjusting script.) the conflict of Sam leaving has never (I don't think?) been implied to have animosity between Sam and Dean? so like, Dean was obviously very hurt/upset (see 5x16 "one of the worst nights of my life") but would that be enough to refuse to make contact? I know theyre both stubborn but goddamn.

s1e8 jimmy herman as joe whitetree / the x-files s1e19 as ish

funny, david nutter directed that episode of the xfiles too (he directed the spn pilot and wendigo), he was a kim manners rec (who also worked on xf obviously, and directed this spn ep)

i'm never going to finish this episode and surely gonna hit the 30 image limit

always kind of... nervous when especially the supernatural-ish shows decide to bring in any sort of indigenous lore/plot, but at least this one revolved around fuck the white man colonizers

Eric Kripke often cites this episode as one of his least favorites in the series. When Chuck meets Sam and Dean, he asks them if they had to live through the "bugs". He laments that they were "forced to live bad writing."

well, i think they're heavy handed but overall has groundwork laying character moments for sam and dean. wouldn't argue about the rest though

such a pretty shot. early days really were filled with them

MATT My dad doesn't listen in the best of circumstances, what am I supposed to tell him? SAM You've gotta make him listen, okay? DEAN Give me the phone, give me the phone. (He grabs the phone from SAM.) Matt, under no circumstances are you to tell the truth, they'll just think you're nuts. MATT But he's my-- DEAN Tell him you have a sharp pain in your right side and you've gotta go to the hospital, okay? MATT Yeah. Yeah, okay. He hangs up, and so does DEAN. DEAN Make him listen? What are you thinkin'?

snorted

SAM Look, this land is cursed! People have died here. Now, are you gonna really take that risk with your family?

made me giggle. so earnest. i mean, what can you do, those cheesy lines

dad tells mom to call 911. and tell them what? bugs? what are they gonna do about it?? lol and the bugs chewed through phone and power lines

dead end chemical corp.!! i kind of love that. new blog name??? lol

i think i missed these progressive holes being chewed through the roof in my fast forwarding of this scene 😂

that was the shortest 6-7 hours ever. like, truly nonsensical. and they weren't able to keep the swarms of bees out, yet no one died? haha

looks like a stock photo of a busted roof plastered onto this shot

sammy looking longingly over at matt and his dad reconciling over shared bug trauma...

SAM I wanna find Dad. DEAN Yeah, me too. SAM Yeah, but I just... I want to apologize to him. DEAN For what? SAM All the things I said to him. He was just doin' the best he could.

forgot myself for a second and blurted out, BULL. SHIT. haha. don't let dean get you twisted, dude. if you leave (go to college on a full scholarship), don't come back. IS NOT. DOING. THE BEST. HE COULD. never fucking mind everything else. aaaahhhghgfdsjkksfl LOL what did i say about my john issues. anyway, this isn't the end of that particular friction obviously :p

DEAN Well, don't worry, we'll find him. And then you'll apologize. And then within five minutes, you guys will be at each other's throats. SAM (laughs.) Yeah, probably. (They sit in silence for a few seconds.) Let's hit the road. DEAN Let's.

that is more like it :p it is a miracle i shut up long enough to finally finish this episode! too much going on

[pizza-is-my-buziness]

Sam/Deena-Combo of 2/19. Walking through an apple orchard with your partner/Aw, you're blushing. No, I'm just cold.

Thank you, anon, for the excuse to write pure, unadulterated, sappy, sappy fluff.

Since the breaking of the curse, Shadyside seems to have let out its first exhale in over three hundred years. The grip around the throat of the town might not have belonged to Sarah Fier, but it was there all the same, fingers tightening a little more each year until everything -the people, the buildings, the land itself- had been choked within an inch of its sad, pathetic existence.

But now…now Deena can’t help but notice the subtle changes, the things she doubts most of her neighbors will even pick up on at all. The burst of reds and oranges as the leaves continue to change colors, blooming like tiny sunsets even in the moments before death, turning a color other than the drab gray that seemed to permeate everything. The air smells cleaner, crisp and cold with the promise of frost on the window sills and a future of smoke curling from chimneys. Bird song and playful squirrels and dogs that wag their tails rather than growl distrustfully at passersby and that red, red moss that Deena sees everywhere now, as though it’s following her. Or maybe she just never noticed before, never had a reason to, especially since she was too busy noticing the cracks in the sidewalks instead, the past due bills stuffed into the mailbox, the way the pantry always seemed to be bare.

And while some of those things are still hanging around, the feeling of that hand around her neck seems to be loosening too, now that her father seems to have finally found a decent job. Now that Deena has her own after school job lined up just in time for a holiday she might actually care about this year.

Though she’s really going to miss moments like this one: Sam’s hand in her own, the two of them walking side by side, the result of an unexpected phone call that had caught Deena still lazing around on a Saturday morning with no plans ahead of her, her heartbeat changing rhythm in time to the sound of Sam’s voice on the other end of the line.

“Do you want to-” And Deena hadn’t really needed to hear anything after that because yes, the answer is always yes when it comes to Sam and any chance she has to spend time with her and Deena can’t even be mad that the rest of that sentence had apparently been, “check out the orchard outside of town.”

The place is made for tourists, not teenagers from a shitty town thirty minutes away, but Deena doesn’t mind that either. Two months ago she wouldn’t have been caught dead in a place like this, with all these smiling families and people road tripping to make a special visit to what is essentially just rows and rows of trees but right now…it’s not so bad.

It’s one of those places where you pay to pick the apples and carry them around with you while you force your kids to take cutesy pictures that make it look like your entire family doesn’t want to murder one another -something Deena considers herself an expert on now that she’s seen three such mothers attempting to wrangle her brood into exactly that photo- but she does have Sam’s hand wrapped tightly around hers and the early afternoon sun is filtering through the leaves and across the crown of Sam’s head in a way that makes her look ethereal and perfect and what, exactly, does Deena have to complain about?

“This is kind of a scam, right?” Deena smirks, because complaining is in her nature and she’s got the woven basket dangling from her other hand. “They’re practically making us do the work for them. And we have to pay to take these stupid apples home.”

“I’m not sure it counts as a scam if we get to take the apples home with us,” Sam points out, tipping her head back so she can study the branches arching over them, the rounded apples dangling just out of reach unless one is feeling particularly enterprising enough to jump up to grab them.

It's been just long enough since…everything that the bruises have mostly faded from Sam’s temple and jaw, that the shadows have lightened under her eyes, that she’s started smiling again like she means it and not like she feels bad about the impulse. Deena lets her gaze settle on Sam’s profile, tempted to do so many things, but she settles, for the moment, on just letting the feeling of Sam’s hand in hers reassure her that all of this is real.

“What do I need with five pounds of apples?” Deena scrunches up her nose, genuinely confused by the idea. “It’s not like I remember how to, like, bake a pie or something. Sarah Fier was a little too busy to pass that trick on.”

Sam laughs, shaking her head. “Maybe if you ask her really nice, she’ll fill you in. Maybe she has more time now that she’s not haunting an entire town.”

“Hey, she wasn’t actually the one who-”

“Oh, I know,” Sam assures her quickly, pulling her hand free from Deena’s so that she can let it settle against her hip instead, her fingers curling around the loops of Deena’s jeans to hold her firmly in place.

As though Deena would ever think about going anywhere else.

“I just like when you get all fired up about it,” Sam adds with a mischievous grin, eyes bright. “It’s kinda cute.”

Deena lifts her eyebrows like the brush of Sam’s touch, the feeling of her words twining their way through her rib cage, doesn’t fill Deena with a rush of heat, a flutter of excitement. She’s starting to lose track of some things, like all the little ways that she falls in love with Sam every day, or the number of times that she’s been lucky enough to press her lips against Sam’s, to pull her in for a kiss. But there are so many things Deena knows she will never forget: this moment and every one that she might be lucky enough to have after it.

“Cute,” Deena says as flatly as she can, certain she’s not fooling Sam in the slightest. There’s no way that Sam can’t read her like a book, a story brought to vibrant life by a smile and a brush of fingertips on skin. “I don’t think so.”

But Sam’s smile doesn’t fade and she only looks all the more pleased with herself. “Look. You’re blushing.”

And, yeah, Deena can feel it, the heat that is radiating from her skin and is likely strong enough to make the world around them think they’ve bypassed autumn all together. Sam’s words and her gaze aren’t really doing much to help the situation either.

“No,” Deena protests uselessly. “I’m just cold.”

Sam lifts her eyebrows, her skepticism clear as day. Still, Sam doesn’t call her out on this rather obvious lie. Instead, she just pulls Deena closer, a hand around the nape of her neck, the other still pressed against the spot where a scar is already knitting the skin together and kisses her. It’s getting easier, these moments, when they’re in places other than Deena’s car or her bedroom or the back of a movie theater showing whatever the fuck to an otherwise empty auditorium, when there’s no easy way to forget the world around them. But the uncertainty is slowly starting to slide away, the hesitation chased off by the always vivid reminder of how easy it is to lose someone, and so Deena loses herself in Sam instead, letting the empty basket fall to their feet as she puts her hands to better use. Sam’s cheeks are cold beneath her palms and Sam’s lips taste like the cinnamon from the cider they’d had before starting their trek into this orchard that Deena is feeling slightly fonder of now and Deena kisses her again and again and again just to make sure she gets every last lingering bit of sweetness.

“There,” Sam says softly, her breath a whisper against Deena’s lips, against her cheeks. “That should help warm you up.”

Deena swallows, shaking her head. “Nope. Still cold. Keep trying.”

Sam seems happy to oblige.  

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXXI

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Pain and Sadness

(15x01/15x02)

Hi! We reached the las season from Supernatural!

This is a summary of my metas from season 15, with some new additions after the end of the show.

You can find my metas from these two episode here: X, X , X, X, X , X, and X.

They Keep Fighting

We started season 15 with Destiel driving us to their big fight.

The bickering the sarcasm, is all over between Dean and Castiel.

Talking about frames and visual narrative, also symbolism in the dialogues, we have Sam and Dean in the same page about taking decisions, and Castiel in disagreement. This was deliberately written to show us how Dean and Castiel are walking away from each other.

This scene...

Gifset credit @agusvedder

It shows the mood. It also drives our attention to Castiel's intentions to separate humans from angels, he did it too when he explained Jack that Dean and Sam will die someday. And it will be linked to the very end of the show, in Wich Castiel and Jack are in another high level by rebuilding the Universe and Dean and Sam remain in Heaven.

Another scene was this one:

Gif set credit @wnterfalcon

Even when Dean is so mad At Castiel (in fact, he's mad with himself and he just put all that shit over the man he loves... Things that people used to do) even when he is mad at him, he can't stop checking on him. Because he knows Jack's death hit him strongly, and also, seeing his son being possessed by a filthy demon, it's breaking his heart. But Dean cuts his attempt of talking himself. And of course, Belphegor will mock Castiel about it.

About Belphegor, the Demon of the Divorce

At first I thought he was behaving sarcastically, as a very weird matchmaker between Castiel and Dean, but this was because he represents divorce.

He was enjoying Dean and Castiel fighting like a couple in a crisis for sure. He even will mock about Dean being handsome (indirectly Castiel being handsome). Two beautiful men in love.

Belphegor: Okay. Cool. So, people are, like, crazy good-looking now, eh?

Dean: What?

This observation is linked to season 13: "They're equally beautiful". Belpjegor is trying to mock Castiel and Dean's beauty.

Belphegor: I mean, the last time I was on Earth, I mean, I was human. Ah, it was a while ago. I mean, but, you know, we were all worshipping this giant rock that looked like a huge penis, and... Anyway, folks back then, you know? Had a lot of humps. I mean, a lot. Look at 'em now. I mean, look at you. I mean, you're, uh, you know, gorgeous.

Dean: What? Okay. When are you gonna get out of that body?

The mention of a phallic statue, and people worshipping it, is symbolically talking about Dean and Castiel being in love, passionately in love, with each other. The desire of being together. And then again, he turns to Dean's beauty. All of these comments made Dean very uncomfortable.

Another things about Belphegor enjoying the Destiel Quarrel...

First of all, let's pay attention to the spell and it's ingredients:

This spell is related to season 8 spell to close Heaven! And it's not the only reference to season 8.

And the explanation of why that heart belonged to Dean:

This has to do with the break up in episode 15x07 but also with Castiel dying in episode 15x18.

Closing this episode I want to mention two more things:

Nobody understood Castiel's silent pain, not even Dean. Castiel had to suffer seeing a demon possessing his son but also, he will have to see his body burn.

Another important reference to season 8 besides the spell was the Mausoleum with Carver's name on it.

It was a clear call back to Carver's era, to the crypt scene THE I LOVE THAT NEVER WAS because we will have ANOTHER NOT SAID ILY in this season from Dean.

And these so many call backs to season 8 not just in this season but the reminder of PURITY in season 14 with Michael are linked to the incoming Purgatory 2.0 and more Destiel.

We Are Real

Episode two, we had one couple as a Destiel mirror at the beginning, but it ended up in tragedy, just like our Destiel love story will en in 15x18.

We also had Ketch and Rowena, and Ketch dressed in pink (happiness) showing us that love can be real in wartime.

Another important scene after watching how Dean and Castiel kept working in separated teams ,was the one Castiel tried to give Dean his faith back.

CASTIEL: Ball, right. I didn't tell you about Jack, and then after what happened with your mother...

DEAN: Don't.

CASTIEL: You're angry.

DEAN: Yes, I am angry. At everything. All of it.

CASTIEL: All of it?

DEAN: This mess... all the messes. It turns out that we're just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh? Tell me you don't feel conned. God's been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history.

Dean is angry for everything, but mostly, because he feels all his life has been a lie. Something written for Chuck. So he's afraid things he thought were real, are not. Like his love for Castiel. So he needs to know if Castiel is angry too. Aren't you angry that what we feel for each other is not real?

CASTIEL: You don't think I'm angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn't mean it was all a lie.

DEAN: Really?

Dean needs to believe again. If not all was a lie, it could mean...?

CASTIEL: Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth, he... he just kept it to himself.

DEAN: Well, now that his cover's blown, everything that we've done is for what? Nothing?

Dean pushes again all his fears. He needs an answer that satisfy him.

CASTIEL: Even if we didn't know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck's machinations, how would we describe it all? We'd call it "life". Because that's precisely what life is. It's an obstacle course, and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that.

DEAN: Did we? I'll tell you what we do know. Nothing about our lives is real. Everything that we've lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice. I can't.

And because Dean keeps pushing, Castiel gives him the answer he needs, the answer about them, TFW, bus mostly, about Dean and Castiel:

CASTIEL: Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.

If this is not romantic, then what else can be?

To Conclude:

The beginning of season 15 started by deepening the incoming Destiel big fight.

All is unhoped, pain and Sadness. Despair.

But those three words said by Castiel "We are Real" gives the hopes we need.

Hope you liked this summary, see you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

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Buenos Aires, July 11 2021 12:58 PM

[shay-iamiam]

°Still| Part 6°

Pairings: Boxer!Bucky x Reader 

Warnings: Angst, fluff, a lot of emotions  

A/N: This is probably not the best thing you've read in your entire life but I'm proud of this little series.

As always thank you for reading my little ol fic! 

Part 5

Series Masterlist  

| Unsteady By X Ambassadors

|

“How long do you think she can hold up in there? She hasn't been home in three days.” Sam and Steve watched you through the windows of Bucky's hospital room. You hadn’t left his side in three days. Your eyes hung heavy with bags, the soft glow of your skin was no more.

You began to look like the walls of the hospital. Dull and lifeless. This wouldn’t be Sam sand Steve's first attempt to get you to leave. They’ve tried several times but you still refused to go.

“She’s leaving now. I don’t care if I have to throw her over my shoulder.” Steve walked quickly in the room. He didn't care if he had to drag you out kicking and screening. You where going home tonight.

“Y/n, I think it’s time you go home. I'm not asking you I'm telling you.”. There was a finality in the tone of Steve's voice. You were tired. Trying to pick of fight with him was useless.

During the drive home you drifted off to sleep. The steady lou of the engine louled you easily.. By the time you woke Steve cut the engine of his truck walking briskly to your side of the vehicle.

“Here I can just carry you up." Steve unbuckled your seatbelt.

"I'm just tired Steve, I'm not completely useless." You slowly stared out the truck. Your bones cracked with every movement

Steve watched as you climbed your way up the stairs. He could see the stress in your shoulders, the way you lugged up the stairs it was like you were ok autopilot. Barely there, barely existing.

You stood facing the dark blue door. You remembered when Bucky's convinced you to let him paint that damn door blue.

-------

“Come on Y/n the lady at the store said it matched my eyes.” Bucky  blinked his eyes rapidly, annoyingly trying to prove his point to you.

“Yeah she was just try to upsell ya on the door Barnes. Hate to break it to you but you've been scammed babe.” You couldn't fight them smile that crept up on. Watching him as he'd realized that he had been scammed.

“But hey, you're still the prettiest boy to me." You cupped Bucky's chin in between your fingers squeezing lighty. “If that means anything to you." You stuck your bottom lip out. You tried to come off sincere but your blatant sarcasm crept through.

“Am I really? Beard stubble and all?" Bucky pouted  like a little kid. Causing you to laugh even more.

“Yes really, even more now with this patchy little beard your trying to grow.”

-------

Turning the key to the door was the hardest part.

You've been avoiding your apartment ever since Bucky was emitted to the hospital. Every corner of the apartment pained you. Every corner was stained with memories of you and Bucky.

You could feel Steve's heavy gaze on the back of your neck. You were touched that he was concerned for you. But you could only take so much pitty. It felt like a permanent fixture in your life. The sad smiles, the knowing glances. All filled with pity.

“Steve you don't have to come in. I promise I'll take a shower and rest for awhile.” Tears began to gather in the corner of your eyes, they were heavy threatening to spill at any moment. You repeat your mantra to yourself.

“If I crack, they crack ."

“Steve really, I can get by on my own."

"I know you can Y/n. Your strong, you've been holding things together for Bucky and he doesn't even know it. But you don't have to be strong all the time. Let me help carry some of the load.” Steves words hit you right in the chest. You turned around almost falling to the ground from the quick movement.

It had been so hard being strong all the time. Smiling and nodding when family and friends told you that Bucky would be in there prayers. You put on a brave face when Bucky's doctors informed you that he may not be the same if he woke from his coma. But you couldn't carry this on your own.

“It's been so hard Steve. I don't think I can go on.. I just need him.. I-I just want him.” You broke down grabbing Steve tight. You tried to keep your sobs inside but they came tearing out of you. All the tears you had bottled up came down falling one after the other.

“I know it hasn't been. I miss him every day. But we have to get through this Y/n he needs us. He needs you more than anything. You can't be there for him if you don't take care of yourself first.”

Steve pulled his sleeves down. Wiping the tears from your face. He encouraged you to breath in and breath out, to gain control of your breathing again. It was no secret your anxiety had gone through the roof since Bucky's accident.

“When's the last time you ate Y/n?” Steve was concerned for you. Not only for Bucky but for you. You had been friends with Steve way before you and Bucky got together. He cared for you than, and he cared for you now all the same.

“I umm… I honestly don't remember.” You hung your head down in embarrassment. You knew you should have been taking better care of yourself. But Bucky was the only thing that invaded your mind.

“It's alright. You go take a shower and I'll make you something while you get cleaned up. Okay?”

"Okay that sounds good.” turning your back towards the front door. You couldn't bring yourself to turn the key and walk in. Steve noticed your hesitation. He wished he could mend your heart back together. But there was only one person who could do that.

“Here how about I unlock the door." Steve hand went out to you gesturing for the key. You passed Steve the key without looking up.

It was now or never.

Steve turned the key slowly, giving you time to brace yourself for the round of emotions you were bound to feel. The click of the door

unlocked as you step through the threshold of your home. Every memory of you and Bucky in this space came rushing back to you all at once.

Your gaze sat up the couch. You thought about all the late nights you had spent there wrapped in Bucky's embrace listening while he spoke of the life he wanted you two to have together.You glanced over the the kitchen.

Every nook and cranny of that small apartment was filled with Bucky. The mugs that never matched, the smell of his cologne, the coffee grounds that were on the kitchen counter. He was everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

The apartment was dim. A sad hue laid heavy over the space. Everything was as you left it, but wrong at the same time.

Steve watched you as you stood frozen in the middle of the living room. He could see every emotions hit you at once. He saw the smile that appeared on your face when you were clearly thinking of Bucky. He could see the pain you felt when you remembered he may not come home again.

There you stood frozen in your grief.

You approached the bedroom door. Your hand stayed still over the knob. But you had to turn it, you had to feel this last emotion. Even if it broke your heart.

You slowly turned the knob, swallowing thickly as you prepared for this. Steve couldn't go in there with you. This one.. this was something you had to endure on your own.

The bedroom looked exactly the same. Not one thing was out of place. The sheets where still the same Bucky's side of the bed was still left undone. You hadn't slept in your

our shared bed since his accident. It didn't feel right laying in bed without him.

You walked over to drawer, rummaging around until you found something that would achor you. Pulling out one of his t-shirts. Lifting the garment to your nose breathing in Bucky's fleeting scent.

The bathroom was the last area of your home you hadn't adventured into. Your mind went back to simpler times. You reminisced on all the simple little things. When Bucky would watch you get ready. The way he'd stare so intensely as you did your hair. Eventually begging you to let him help.

Who knew such a small space could hold the most memories. You stood starting at your reflection in the mirror. You couldn't recognize the woman staring back at you.

Your eyes were sunken in the deep tones of darkness appeared under your once warm and vibrant skin. Beautifully pigmented skin no longer glowed under the lights of the bathroom. Your hair had lost it bounce of curly coily curls.

It was to much.

Your hands fell over the sink as your chest heaved rapidly. Focusing on Sam's words you breathed in deeply and out slowly. You thought the hardest room to be in was the bedroom, but you were wrong. The bathroom made you feel something that you hoped would never come. Grief.

The memory of Bucky and your last shower together took all the air from your lungs.

Your breathing became erratic as you stumbled to the ground. The room wouldn't stop spinning. Your heartbeat was loud in your ears It all came hitting you at once.

You came to the realization that you could live in the world without Bucky Barnes. You missed the moments when you were blissfully unaware of the heartache to come.

And that was to much.

The last thing you heard was your heart beating rapidly. As your vision blurred, your body hitting against the cold tile floor.

Next Part 

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A/N: This series is approaching it’s end. This will be my first completed series and I’m having a hard time believing it! I never thought I could finish a series let alone start one. I’m proud of this small little accomplishment.

I hope you all enjoy the final parts to come!😌

Feedback is always appreciated ☄️

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