#i'm so exhausted. i cannot stand living with my parents anymore

[eliseliedl]

i want to do so many things but i'm too depressed to do shit.

[serenescribe]

ell, i hope ur request is still available??? lol but im submitting a fic idea for now-- its been laying on my art ideas for awhile but im just not sure how to draw it so im sharing it now-- (this ask is long T0T im sorry-)

so basically the story right now is Lilia's dream and I believe the point of this dream is having Lilia be on time to save Malenoa and Levan from the Silver Owls???

i read a lot of theories that Silver might overblot mostly from magical exhaustion from using UM but its also possible that he might overblot by just the mental stress of it all lol so i think the moment that he'll really snap is the moment he'll found out he's a Silver Owl.

u see, I'm kinda hesitant to support the theory that Silver is one of the Silver Owls (even tho its so likely TT)---

bcuz,,, guys,,, do you the impact of that twisted info??? it means that IF Silver is one the Silver Owls;;;; he's from the nation that destroyed the Land of Briar, the reason why Briar Valley is such a small secluded nation and hates humans a lot, the probably main reason why faes and humans are distrustful to each other, the people who murdered Malleus' parents, the reason why Malleus had to grow up in isolation, the people who killed Lilia's most important people: Malenoa and Levan (which we can assume the only people he can refer to as family), and the reason why his father is dying early and is falling out of magic because he had to exhaust all of it for Malleus to live because his ancestors killed his parents---- if Silver is from the Silver Owls actually, can he truly still have the audacity to refer to Lilia as "his father" knowing well now he's the root of all his misery?

He'll never meet Lilia if he's from Silver Owl/if Land of Briar won against them)-- unlike Sebek and Malleus who's family is tied with Malenoa and Baul

He's realizing that his existence to his father life was born from losing everything he had and he gets engulfed by the darkness

"because this is Father's true family…" Silver realizes as he looks at the expression of Lilia genuinely happy in relief that Malenoa and Levan was saved and the enemy is defeated and he'll never meet Silver anymore because his nation lost.

"We were never meant to dream together" (this is in contrast of Silver's UM's message; "let's share the same dream")

you. you are WICKED for this utter monster of a prompt. lian, i cannot believe you. i woke up, read it, and just couldn't stop grinning. i genuinely hope i did this justice. thank you for letting me write this!

The relief on his father’s face hurts Silver to the very core of his soul.

There is a celebration erupting around him, the chaotic, spontaneous festivities of a war long-won. Victory is theirs; the Valley has prevailed over her enemies, all human intruders either slain or driven out, the Silver Owls and their Knight of Dawn thoroughly suppressed.

And yet, as Silver lurks about at a corner of the room, back pressed against the dark stone wall as he observes from afar, all he can feel is a deep-rooted agony. There is a light happiness to his father’s face, so unlike the stern disposition of the general that Silver had gotten used to, having adapted to it despite how strange it feels to interact with his father in his callous prime.

Near his father is Princess Malenoa and her betrothed, the former carrying her egg in her arms. From where he stands, Silver watches as the draconic fae’s face creases as she laughs at a comment Lilia makes, the three of them enraptured in their own little world.

He bites his lips, heart aching as it thumps against his chest.

It hurts.

It hurts because Silver knows who he is, what he is now. He’s put it all together, uncovered all the missing pieces of the puzzle throughout his time fighting by his father’s side, hoping to wake him within his dream. There was an uncanny resemblance Silver shared with the Knight of Dawn, one that had struck him upon laying his eyes on the man. Even now, it makes him sick to his stomach thinking of the implications.

But appearances could be coincidental. There were many people in the world; surely some people were bound to share similarities in the end? And yet, there was another piece of evidence, one that had casted away any lingering doubts Silver had clung to, one that damned his fate.

Silver’s fingers close around the ornate ring in his palm, its necklace chain draped over the side of his wrist, swaying slightly.

He’d found the very same ring in the Knight of Dawn’s tent, when they’d ransacked it after a lengthy battle. It had been nestled in a tiny locked box that opened at his touch, and Silver’s breathing had stuttered to a gasping halt as soon as he laid eyes upon the tiny piece of jewellery — a perfect replica of the ring slung around his neck.

“Hey.”

The sound of a voice snags his ear, swaying his attention away from the cheerful face of his father — though does Silver truly reserve the right to call him that, after everything he’d learnt? Glancing to the side, Silver relaxes at the sight of Yuu shuffling over, standing next to him, their hands buried in the pocket of their jacket.

Silver dips his head at them. They smile weakly at him in return.

For a while, they stand there together, simply observing the rest of the room. Silver’s gaze flits around, from the thronging groups of fae celebrating their victory, to the sight of Sebek laughing up a storm with the younger form of his grandfather — an apparition of Lilia’s dream, but still an indulgence for the boy — until finally, they land back at his father.

“How’re you feeling?” Yuu asks, out of nowhere.

Silver exhales. “I… I am fine. Thank you for your concern.”

“Mm. I don’t really think fine constitutes standing in a corner of the room like this,” Yuu points out with a shrug. “Isn’t now probably the best time to… what was it, try and wake up Lilia?”

It is the best time to do such a thing. And yet, whenever Silver considers the thought, eyes darting back to his laughing father, he hesitates. He sucks in a sharp breath at the sight of Princess Malenoa passing her egg off to her lover to lean over and wrap his father up in a warm embrace, lifting him off the ground as she whirls around in giddy joy.

The peaceful bliss on Lilia’s face is familiar to him. It’s an expression Silver’s seen many times before while growing up.

“...We can wait,” Silver eventually says, stifling a sigh. He crosses his arms. “It would not hurt to let him enjoy this a little longer.”

“If you say so,” Yuu hums in response. “Not that Grim would complain, I think. Pretty sure he’s off gorging himself on food somewhere, the little rat.”

Another pause, only permeated by the constant sound of festivities.

“...Something isn’t right, huh?” Yuu exhales. “I don’t really… know much about Hornton— um, Malleus, apart from what he told me, and… what I’ve learnt here.” They gesture at the room. “But I kinda get the feeling his parents aren’t exactly around anymore. And yet they’re alive, huh?”

Silver doesn’t even need to turn to know just what Yuu is looking at — the very much alive, not missing, Princess Malenoa and Levan chatting happily with Lilia.

“...Yeah,” Silver eventually breathes, voice weak. “They’re alive.”

Maybe— no, not maybe. It’s definitely better this way. How can Silver restore the status quo after everything he’s learnt throughout his father’s dream, of the wretched past that Lilia never told him about? His father looks so unbearably happy now, in this peaceful dream of a war won without the losses that happened in reality. Lilia had lost his closest companions, his childhood friends. He’d spent years presumably exhausting his magic, to take care of Malleus in their stead until the draconic fae finally hatched, because Malleus’ parents had been killed.

And he’d taken Silver in, despite the hue of his hair, the colour of his eyes — all little bits of evidence that should have clued Lilia in on his son’s true identity: a descendent of the Silver Owls.

A ragged exhale spills out of his mouth.

How can he look at Lilia now and call him his father? Silver is sure of it; he has to have been descended from the awful humans who ravaged the Valley and bled her dry of her resources, all before slaughtering the fair folk’s princess before her child could even be hatched. They’d been responsible for her bethrothed’s disappearance too, Silver is certain of it.

How can Silver have the audacity to think of Lilia as his own, when he is tied to the root of all his father’s misery?

And to make matters worse, in such a selfish, wretched way that it makes him feel sick—

Silver cannot stop thinking about how, in this other world, this perfect fantasy that his father supposedly longs for, he would have never found his son.

(Can Silver still call himself that?)

“SILVER!”

That familiar, thunderous voice startles him out of his swirling thoughts. Sebek frowns at him, hands resting on his hips. When had his friend arrived…? “We ought to get a move on with waking up Master Lilia,” he declares, attracting a few glances from nearby fae, chittering to each other about what Silver presumes is the sound of Sebek’s voice. “That IS what we came here for, no? And then after, we shall go and save Lord Malleus!”

“And on that note, I should go find Grim,” Yuu says, turning with a wave. “I’ll meet you guys when you’re ready to dream hop, Silver!”

Silver watches the human prefect depart, vanishing into the throng of shifting fae.

He bites his lip.

“Silver?”

Sebek’s voice is stern. And yet, there is a hint of what Silver knows is concern weaved into it. He glances back over at his friend, noticing the scrutinising arch of Sebek’s eyebrows, the way he inspects Silver closely. “What are you waiting for?” he demands. With a wave of his hand towards Lilia’s general direction, Sebek says, “Let us depart!”

“I can’t.”

Those two words spill from his lips before he can stop himself. Silver winces at the sight of Sebek’s eyes widening, pupils constraining at what he said, thoroughly taken aback. “What— Whatever do you mean, Silver?” Shaking his head, Sebek narrows his eyes. “Now is not the time for such foolish jesting—”

“I’m serious, Sebek.”

Silence. Sebek gawks at him, and Silver averts his gaze. His heart hammers in his chest, so loud he can hear it in his ears. He feels vaguely lightheaded. And it still hurts.

But it is precisely because it hurts that Silver is doing this, that he is refusing to wake his father up from his dream. What right does he have to do that, to disrupt such a wonderful fantasy, a world where everything turned out right for Lilia in the end? It would make him no better than the selfish, greedy humans who pillaged the Valley, killing fae left and right, and wrecking such havoc upon them all.

In the end, to wake Lilia up would be such an audacious, inconsiderate desire on Silver’s part. How dare he strip his father of the happiness he deserves?

Because, Silver thinks wistfully, gazing upon Lilia and Malenoa and Levan all over again, this is Father’s true family. It was never me. It is an epiphany that dawns upon him. And all of a sudden, everything feels clear.

(“Silver? SILVER!”)

Yes, this is the way it should be. Lilia should remain here in blissful paradise. Silver can move on, can take Sebek and Yuu and Grim with him — unless they wish to stay, of course, to which he wouldn’t fault them; he’s seen how attached Sebek is to his grandfather, after all. They don’t need to bother his father with the likes of their plans to save Malleus from his overblot. They can find other people instead!

(“SILVER!”)

We were never meant to dream together, Silver thinks wistfully. It’s like his focus has narrowed down to solely his father, everything else in his peripheral vision blurring together into a mess of darkness. But that’s the truth of it, isn’t it?

What sort of a selfish son would he be, to strip his father of his hard-earned happiness?

“SILVER!”

He jolts at the sharp sensation of a slap, lurching back to his senses.

The first thing he notices is Sebek’s face, contorted with such abject fear, hand raised in front of him.

The second thing he notices is—

The darkness, bubbling around him, sucking at his heels, clinging and sliding its way up his legs.

Hands wrap around his wrists, trying to drag him forward, away from the sloshing pit of inky blackness that claws at him. “Get OUT!” Sebek screeches, in part a furious demand, in part a desperate plea. But as soon as Silver stumbles his way to clean, even ground, the darkness slides right back in, nipping at his ankles, dragging him back in.

And yet, all Silver can feel is an overwhelming sensation of calm. There is a dull ache that throbs in his chest, one that sobs and wails and causes the darkness to clamber up his body even further. A single realisation makes itself clear in his mind.

He’s overblotting, isn’t he?

That’s the only explanation Silver can muster, the reason why the darkness has returned for him. It’s not reacting like it has in the past. No, this time, it’s surging straight for only him while ignoring everyone else in the room.

Perhaps he’d overexerted himself a bit too much. Perhaps he’d let his tumultuous emotions get the better of him.

What will happen if he stays? Will he lose control of himself? Silver exhales, a melancholic acceptance overtaking his soul. He knows what he has to do now.

And it is with his newfound purpose in mind that Silver pulls his hands out of Sebek’s grasp. He steps back, a sad smile on his face as the other boy stares at him. “ARE YOU INSANE?” Sebek screams, voice erupting through the air, dragging the room into silence. “SILVER, YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY THINK OF GIVING INTO THE DARKNESS!”

All Silver can do is hang his head, and take another step back. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs — and he truly is. But it’s safer this way, isn’t it? He can handle an overblot. He knows how to get himself away, so he cannot hurt anyone else any more than he already has.

And as Silver readies his magic, hands clasped firmly around the ring in his palm, beginning to murmur the words under his breath, his gaze flits around the room once more. From a panic-stricken Sebek to a distressed and frozen Yuu, Grim tucked under their arm, to the whispering fae backing away from the scene, until finally…

He meets crimson eyes that widen, a glint sparking within them, face contorting into one of realisation and pure fear.

“Meet in a Dream,” Silver whispers with a sad smile, raising his ring to his lips, breath ghosting along the glistening gem — slowly clouding over, losing its lustre and shine.

And as the general breaks away from his two closest companions, boots slamming against the stone floor as he sprints for Silver, one arm outstretched, the scream of a name emerging from his lips—

Silver allows his magic to tear himself away from this dream, taking him somewhere far away, where he can let the blot swallow him whole.

At the very least, as he loses his mind—

He knows his father will be safe and happy.

[marisdisry]

Entry X: 10.01.2024

I'm slowly realizing how painfully unsatisfying it is to be mediocre. Like everything good needs to be balanced by a terrible cause simply for the reason I don't deserve pure happiness. Good grades, terrible body. Good grades, terrible fucking face. I only have so much to make up for and I fear that listing them would make it feel worse.

Why is my life this way? It's exhausting. I was informed I aced 3 subjects out of 9, but the 1 subject i actually loved was taken from me by a bitch that could barely write a good paper. Creative writing is all I have, the one thing I could confidently handle and say "I got this". So why am I being outdone by somebody that is not even my level? Am I being bitter? Egotistical? A fucking moron? If it was that easy for a nobody, was I even special? Was I ever skilled?

Obviously, I have no respect for this girl. I don't even consider her grade to be a mirror of effort but of fucking luck. I cannot accept the fact I was outdone in the one field I liked.

And say, okay, at least the general average is still higher than most. What does that matter? I'm not satisfied. The realization that this future-forming aspect in my life is less validating than the 800 calorie count I managed hit me in a wave of feelings. Anger. Disappointment. Depression.

My friends are all so much prettier, sociable, skinnier, and naturally likable. The only thing I have is my brain and even that is gone. I cannot best anyone. I'm a fucking average joe. I don't matter.

On my way home, I saw a couple my age. Touchy, new, and very excited. Why can't I have that? What's so lacking in me that a male who can, won't have me? I found myself envious of them, "she's not even pretty" "i bet he's fucking retarded" "what's a boyfriend skinnier than you, a walking thinspo?".

Love is something I crave like a camel does water. A pinch lasts me a mile and a bucket renders me useless and aggravated for more. Although I'm not sure if that's how camels actually like water. This is why creative writing failed me.

But as the thought stands, I crave love. I ache for the times nobody holds me when I cry, whisper sweet nothings in my ear and be considerate of the feelings I hide, unlike everyone. I once told my friend I was sad, and she seemed uncomfortable. So I don't really bother doing that crap anymore. I was right when I thought nothing would change, no one would care. The cuts were fresh and the bandages were wet yet nobody reached in to ask how I was or offered an ear.

I only need to last with them until graduation.

Even my family isn't the loving type. Makes sense, they're not my parents. Everything good I do is some how always balanced into a clumsy mistake, so it's better not to expect anything anymore.

I just want this gone.

This is tiring.

I'm exhausted.

Why did God make me this way? It hurts. All the time, every day — when I eat, study, pass, fail, and continuously live as a disappointment. I just wanna die. Someday I'll be brave enough. But like I am in everything I do, I'll be mediocre and wait till the last minute.

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

[dadsbongos]

spiriting

Insert Coin - Chapter 2 / Series Masterlist

Waking up to the cursed sound of Monokuma’s voice, (Y/n) let her body remain in the warm confines of her duvet. Her eyes were heavy and burned whether she had them open or not. Turning, she let her back rest against the mattress, endless stare settled on the ceiling.

Every time she went to close her eyes, Byakuya’s bloody corpse was staring her in the face. His voice festered between her ears as it called her name. Quite possibly the last thing he’d said to anybody was him calling her name for help.

Stabbed over ten times between his abdomen and throat.

It must’ve been excruciating. To be working to bring everyone together only to be brutally murdered in your endeavors.

She can only hope death was quick to lay its merciful hands upon Byakuya’s soul.

And to be boiled alive, even.

A hand came up and over her heart, scrunching up the fabric of her sleepshirt, a new wave of misery banging at her brain as she thought of Teruteru. The Ultimate Cook. No, their Ultimate Chef. The least she could do was honor his wishes in her mind.

To be slathered in slimy batter and caked with breading was a mere inconvenience in comparison to being boiled - being cooked. The heat. The bubbling and popping of your skin as you quickly simmer.

It made her queasy just to think about.

All that pain, all that suffering - brought about by the hands of Nagito Komaeda. The sweet-faced, gentle-smiled boy of luck. The same boy she was planning on meeting in the dining hall.

Sighing through her nose, (Y/n) slowly rose from her bed before swinging her legs over the edge of her bed frame and pushing up to a complete stand. Her body felt like gelatin, mind in a foggy haze as she moved towards her closet, pulling off her makeshift pajamas and trading them in for cleaner versions of the clothes she already had on.

Exiting her cottage, (Y/n) was sure to lock her door before stowing the key away and heading towards the dining hall before anybody sent out a search party for her. The sand crunched under her shoes as she made her way to the dining hall, hopefully, the others had somehow forgotten about the entire night prior. If she could be the only one with the horrid memory of their friends’ deaths, she’d be happy.

Ultimate Peacekeeper and yet she couldn’t even keep two people alive.

Clenching her teeth, (Y/n) shook her head - if she thought like that then she’d be too busy throwing herself a pity party to focus on any of her peers. She reached out to open the dining hall door and stepped inside, and for a split second, her heart picked up at the thought of finding another body.

A corpse laid across the floor and Monokuma’s wretched voice bringing about another body discovery announcement.

Once again, she forcefully shook off her thoughts and pushed forward. Everyone was there. No, two people were missing.

Fuyuhiko, which was no surprise, seemed an avid supporter of being the “lone wolf” of their group. Nagito, on the other hand, was almost never by himself - despite his previous exclamations of being unworthy of a friend, he surely liked the company of the people on the island.

(Y/n) sidled herself up beside Hajime, giving the boy’s side profile a gentle, unnoticed smile - he looked exhausted, “How’re you feeling?”

“Hm,” Hajime flinched at the sudden noise, turning to lock eyes with the mediator, “I feel…” he looked down at his plate sadly, “fine.”

“Alright,” she pat his back, “if you need anything, I’m always available. It’s what I’m here for, Hajime.”

“Right,” the brunette nodded, he let his shoulders droop, defenses falling ever so slightly, “thanks, (Y/n).”

“Of course,” she nodded, looking around the dining hall once again and quirking a brow, “is it just me or… are there people missing?”

Before Hajime could answer her question, Monokuma appeared suddenly inside the cafeteria - frightening a few of the students. Hajime’s brows furrowed, “You can't just pop up out of nowhere like that!"

"Puhuhuhu, but I can!" what a high-pitched drawl, (Y/n) suddenly thought - she’d always been taught that villains have sickeningly deep voices and here Monokuma was, proving her entire life wrong, "I'm here to deliver the next motive!"

"A motive?" Hajime tilted his head in the midst of his confusion.

"It's not that I don't think you all love participating in my super fun killing game or anything..." Monokuma fidgeted, faking a new shy persona, "But, of course, I thought it would be even more fun to give you guys a motive!"

"Well, we've taken care of everything,” Kazuichi immediately rebuffed, “No one is going to kill anymore, no matter what your motive is!"

(Y/n) swung her head to look at the Ultimate Mechanic, “‘Taken care of’, what are you talking about?”

"Whatever you say!" the black-and-white bear waved off, clearly in disbelief of the boy’s words anyway, "If you're interested, there's an arcade machine in Jabberwock Park with a game on it that might have some cool info for you! And that’s as much as you’re getting from me, bye for now!"

"Ooh, fun!" Ibuki blurted out as Monokuma disappeared.

"Fun?” Hajime shook his head, irritation clear on his face, “No! Guys, we absolutely cannot play that game. This is Monokuma's attempt to trap us. Who knows? The game could be filled with lies to get us to kill each other!"

“Hajime’s right,” (Y/n) nodded, “If anyone plays that game, a murder is likely. I know it’ll be hard but we have to do our best to keep alive.”

Hajime could be a good leader. Strong, independent, commanding - a good man. He could be great. Then again, so was Byakuya.

Mahiru looked around and asked the question (Y/n) had before Monokuma arrived, "Wait, where's Nagito?"

Hiyoko giggled, covering her mouth with her hands as she did so, "He's probably too ashamed to show his ugly face around here.”

"No," (Y/n) interrupted, “I don’t think he’d be so self-conscious.”

"Don't worry about it,” Kazuichi waved off, locking his hands behind his head, “He isn't going to bother us anymore."

"What did you do?" (Y/n) pushed herself away from Hajime and toward the mechanic.

"Kazuichi, you probably shouldn't say stuff like that..." Nekomaru’s voice was strange - hasty, as if he was trying to hide something.

"Nekomaru, Kazuichi," (Y/n)’s brows furrowed as she looked between the boys, “Tell me, right now, what did you two do?”

"Well, we..." Kazuichi glanced at Nekomaru, "Took care of him this morning."

"You guys killed someone?" Mahiru exclaimed, face running pale.

"No! What the hell? Of course, not, we didn't do that!" Nekomaru shook his head as if he couldn’t fathom how his suspicious behavior could lead to that conclusion, "We found him on the way here and... tied him up. So he couldn't do anything drastic again! He's on the floor of the room we had the party in, he's- he'll be fine."

"So you guys - without telling anyone - kidnapped Nagito this morning and just left him tied up?" Hajime turned his head between the two, obviously done with the idiots, "Do you understand why that possibly wasn't the most fantastic idea?"

"What were we supposed to do, just let him run around acting like that?" Kazuichi asked, exasperated, "It's fine! He'll live, we just have to bring him food or something once in a while..."

"Now that we're in this mess, it will be difficult to pull us out," (Y/n) crossed her arms, thinking over the situation, “I’ll keep watch over him. I was going to do so anyway, but two people,” she glared directly at the boys of the hour, “decided to act without consulting the group,” as Mahiru prepared a plate, (Y/n) continued, “Just leave Nagito to me, I’ll be a babysitter for him - if anybody has an issue with him, please don’t act on your own until necessary. It could do more harm than good.”

Handing over the plate, Mahiru gave the peacekeeper a nervous smile, "Be careful, okay? Just run outta there if anything weird happens."

“Right,” (Y/n) nodded, taking the plate, “Kazuichi, Nekomaru,” the two hesitantly looked over to her - it felt horribly similar to facing a disappointed parent - she pursed her lips before giving a sympathetic grin, “I get where you two were coming from and I appreciate it, but don’t do something like this again. It’s dangerous.”

The two murmured out their agreements as (Y/n) left.

Crossing from the dining hall to the old building, (Y/n) flexed her fingers as she walked, gut knotting up inside her. Byakuya died there. Her friend, and to some extent, a role model. All because of the man she was going to be spending the rest of their stay at Jabberwock with. She had to. She needed to keep tabs over him if they wanted to avoid something like the party again.

Her hand stopped at the door handle, fingers resting against the cool metal.

She could just let him starve, it’s not like anybody would care. Nobody would check the old building anyway.

Shaking her head, (Y/n) pushed the door open - she’s supposed to be the Ultimate Peacekeeper and she was already dropping the ball with two deaths and a kidnapping. Letting Nagito starve was just a cruel and unusual punishment. An impulsive thought she'd never act on.

And so, putting one foot in front of the other, she continued down the hall Teruteru did. To find Nagito.

[raschuuuu]

Let’s try. // J.HS imagine (J-Hope) angst/fluff

Summary: You were put into an arranged marriage with Jung Hoseok yet he has no feelings for you and neither do you. How will you deal with each other when you both know well that you cannot divorce or develop feelings for each other.

Word count: 4100

Genre: angst/fluff

warnings: swearing / mentioning of Namjoon and his wife / no idol J-Hope / businessman J-Hope

Pairing: J-Hope!businessman x Female!reader

A/N: Hello!!!! this was requested and first off all I want to say: thank you so much I’m really happy and shoutout to the creative person who requested this. I hope you’ll like and enjoy it <3 keep in mind that English is not my first language so if you spot any mistakes I would love you guys to tell me. If you like it please leave a like and if you have any preferences or wishes please let me knoooow! Have fun everyone and keep in mind REQUESTS ARE OPEN!! hihi bye.

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"You look beautiful! Wow I'm fascinated!" wow thank you. Does that mean I looked like shit every day? Why does everyone keep telling me that? If today wasn't my wedding no one would tell me I looked good everyday... well maybe because I don't either.

Today is my wedding to the one and only Jung Hoseok. The Jung family made a very big name for themselves in South Korea, years ago. Jung Hoseok's father is the founder and CEO of a famous restaurant chain. His mother is a famous doctor of surgical aesthetics and his older sister Jung Jiwoo is a famous youtuber and fashion designer in South Korea. So you could say that the Jung family is more famous than the president of South Korea and freaking rich. And I have the "privilege" of marrying him today. NOT! Neither he nor I agreed to this wedding, but what do children have to say when their parents have already decided behind our backs.

Jung Hoseok's father is my father's boss. You wonder why your father's boss wants an employee's daughter for his son? It's very simple, I'll explain it to you: My father lost his job back then because he was ill and had to get surgery on his leg, since then he really has trouble walking. And in South Korea almost no employer feels sorry for you. When you are healthy and you can work, you go to work. If you are ill and unable to work, it's your fault and you get fired and lose everything you have. And so my father lost his job back then and desperately looked for a job in a metropolis with millions of inhabitants that was fair to him and not physically demanding. Where did he end up? With Mr. Jung, who surprisingly had understanding and compassion for my father and took him on in one of his companies in Seoul.

Flashback

"Appa where are you?" I asked as my father when he answered his phone. "I am on the 12th floor my child! Did you come?" - "Yes Appa, I promised you that we would have lunch together today!" I said as I stood in front of the giant building of the Jung's company. "Yes, okay, that's right my child! Wait for your father, I'll be right there and we can go to the restaurant next door!" so I waited downstairs in front of the entrance. I don't want to wait inside, there are so many men at the entrance.... They're pretty serious about security here. "Y/N!!" I heard someone shout from behind. I turned around and saw my father coming towards me... or rather sneaking. Unfortunately he still can't walk since he had the surgery on his leg.

I went to him and offered him my arm so that he could support himself. I am really happy that he was accepted here. He doesn't earn much but enough to support my mother and me. We've always had money problems, ever since I was little. I was always one of the last to get the new shoes that were already in fashion last year. Or I was one of the people who got an iPhone 5 when the iPhone X was already on the market. That's why I tried to go to work at a young age to help my parents financially. My mother has been cleaning restaurants or schools or sometimes houses of rich families for years. But still I am glad that my father wanted to work after his surgery and found a simple office job.

"Appa, are you very hungry?" I ask him as we slowly walk down the stairs in front of the big building. "Yes my child I really-" - "Hello Mr. Y/L/N!" we heard someone shout interrupting my father. My father and I both looked up and standing in front of us was an older man, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. He looked very smart and around him were 3 men also wearing suits. "Oh, oh hello Mr. Jung!" my father exclaimed and bowed. I quickly bowed in response as well. That's Mr. Jung! The man who gave my father his job. The rich famous Mr. Jung CEO of his restaurant chain.

"Who is your pretty companion?" he asks and comes towards us. My father grins "My daughter Mr. Jung! Isn't she pretty?" oh no dad what are you saying. I notice my cheeks turning red and warm. Mr. Jung looks at me and smiles. "Yes your daughter is very pretty." wow I feel flattered. "I didn't know you had a daughter Mr. Y/L/N" he added. "Yes Mr. Jung I have a daughter and she is my pride and joy. I am honestly happy to have her in my life" my father said and I blurted I am as red as a tomato. "I would be too if I were you. She must even be my son's age! What a coincidence" says Mr. Jung and then we say goodbye to him and my father and I go to eat in the restaurant. Wow did that really just happen?

Few days later - still flashback

I can't wait to get home. Work is so exhausting, I'm so tired and exhausted I'm looking forward to my shower and my bed. Just as I walked in the front door I saw my parents sitting in the living room with a worried look on their faces like something had happened, like they were waiting for me.

"Hello Eomma and Appa." I say, about to go to my room. "Y/N wait!" I hear my mother call and I go back. She points to the couch to indicate that I should sit down. "What's wrong?" I say, looking at my parents. My father is looking at the floor all the time he doesn't dare look up don't  I don't know him that way. My mother looks at my father and waits. "Hello?" i ask. "Your father has something to tell you but please don't freak out." I am worried. What is going on? "Appa what's wrong you are scaring me is anything wrong? Are you not well?" finally he looks up. "Y/N, you know I love you." - "Yes I love you too" - "And you forgive me everything? Even if I trade selfishly?" - "Yes Appa I forgive you but please tell me what you did."

He finally looks at me and sits up straight. "The other day when we had lunch in my lunch break when we met Mr. Jung.... That same evening he came to me and asked me for something" he says with tears in his eyes. "What did he ask you, Appa?" I ask curiously.

"He asked me if you would like to marry his son."

He did what? 

Is he fucking serious? Who does he think he is? Just because he is rich and famous and who knows what he can take the right to go to other men to ask if the daughter can marry his son?

"Please tell me you said no Appa please tell me you said no" I scream and fall to the floor on my knees. The only thing he says is "I'm sorry" I can't take it anymore I start crying. Why is he doing this? Why does he agree? Why does he agree to such a thing! Why doesn't he ask me why doesn't he talk to me about it first instead of deciding for me! I am not an object or a toy that you can just give away. I am a human being, I decide for my own life and I tell him that.

"Please understand me, my daughter. I love you more than anything and you know that I only want the best for you. He wants to retire soon because he is also not the youngest anymore and he wants his son to follow in his footsteps but he needs a wife he wants that when it is made official that his son is CEO the media will report that he is married and when he saw you you immediately caught his eye!"

"Still no one gives you the right to say YES Appa! I don't want to marry his son! I don't know his son and I think his son has better things to do than marry a girl he doesn't even know!" I shout and stand up I can't believe what he is saying.

"Y/N don't you understand? They will be able to give you a better life. They will be able to give you everything I couldn't give you. You'll never have to go back to work you'll never have to get up early every morning to torture yourself you can quit your two jobs! You will be able to live a normal life of wealth and happiness! Please think of your mother and me too. I can't go to work anymore I have pain I can't walk properly and this office work is also stressing me out now I sit all the time I have back pain! Your mother has 3 jobs to take care of. We can't do it anymore and with the financial help of this family we will all be better Y/N please. Do it for us do it for you" he shouted.

I hope he knows that you don't need wealth to live a happy life. I say nothing more and rush into my room, throw myself on the bed and let my tears run. I can't believe it why do these things always happen to me? Just when I think my life can't get any shittier, it gets worse.

Back to present

"Thank you." I say to my work colleague whom I invited to my wedding. I haven't invited many people simply because I don't know anyone. Or let's put it this way, I just don't have any friends. I was never the most popular one at school. My work colleague and I took a photo, she thanked me, bowed to me and walked out of the beautifully decorated photo room. Just as I was about to get up there is a knock on the door and I see Mr. Jung and his wife and daughter come in.

"Wow Y/N! You look fantastic!" he says and hugs me. His wife and daughter agree and I smile at them. I'm not in the mood to talk to you rich brats. You're ruining my life.

"Hoseok is in his dressing room with his friends. He's pretty annoyed and irritable so don't be surprised if he gets a bit of a scowl at the altar," his sister says, grabbing my shoulder. Yes, because he doesn't want to either, don't you see?

I met Hoseok once when his parents invited me and our parents to their rich villa for dinner. Before that, of course, Mr. Jung transferred a lot of money to my father, a sum I have never seen in my life, and of course my father was allowed to quit his job. How can I put it? If you think Hoseok and I exchanged even a single word then I have to disappoint you. He didn't even look at me. He didn't speak a word, didn't laugh or smile once and didn't eat a thing. I have never felt so uncomfortable or ashamed in my life. That evening, our parents were just talking about what to do after the wedding. They have decided that my parents will move to a bigger house with employees so my parents will never have to move or work again. Mr. Jung will retire and tell the press that his son will be the new CEO and Hoseok and I will move into a villa in Seoul after the wedding.

Of course, he asked us if we would like to go on a honeymoon right after the wedding to get to know each other better, but neither of us agreed. He didn't make a sound anyway, so I had to have the stupid conversation with his father.

The only person I got along with well was his sister. She could completely understand how me and her brother felt. She told me after dinner that she is also married and her husband was also forced to marry her by her father. Her husband was of course also the son of a friend of his. He was of the opinion that she, as a famous fashion designer, needed a man by her side and she said to me that I shouldn't hold it against him because he still thinks in such an old-fashioned way. Meanwhile she and her husband are happily married, I am happy for her that she could at least learn to love him.

When it was finally time to walk down the aisle with my father, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't care about my make-up, I just wanted to go back to my old life because I know I'll never have that again. My father and I walked down the long aisle with eyes fixed on me. I could hear everyone amazed and saying how pretty I was and how lucky I was to be able to marry him. No, neither of us can consider ourselves lucky because we both don't want that. The aisle seemed so long and it just wouldn't stop. Arriving at the altar, my father presented my hand to my future husband and they bowed to each other. He didn't look me in the eye once, his eyes were empty and directed to the floor.

The ceremony went okay I could hear a few tears flowing from our mothers. To be honest, I had imagined my wedding quite differently. I could have married on a farm, but at least the love of my life would be with me.

The wedding went well, how can I say it was okay. We both sat next to each other while the guests danced and had fun and drank alcohol. We, or rather he, talked to many of the businessmen his father had invited to the wedding. It felt more like I was wearing a wedding dress to a business meeting. We didn't exchange a word, not even glances, he treated me like I was air. Too bad we'll be living together Mr. Jung Hoseok.

1 month after the wedding

"Y/L/N Good morning. Would you like coffee or tea? Pancakes or rice? Or do you have any other requests please let me know so I can pass it on to the cook!" the housekeeper Soyoung asks me as I'm walking down the stairs - I've only just woken up. I'm still overwhelmed with this new lifestyle never had someone running after me just after I get up but she was very nice and sweet.

"A coffee please Soyoung. I don't want anything to eat thanks I can't eat well in the morning, I usually eat when I'm hungry!" she looks at me surprised. "That's why you sometimes leave your food.... well then please let me know right away if you get hungry Y/L/N I will tell the cook right away!" she says smiling and walks to the kitchen.

I look out the big window facing the exit and I can see that Hoseok's car is not here. It's never here. He always gets up early every morning and comes home very late since he is the new CEO. We don't see each other at all or never.

In the evening when I was sitting alone at the dining table I hear a car parked in the driveway. I look out of the window and see that Hoseok has just come home - quite early by his standards, it's only 8pm. I quickly sit back down and pretend I was never at the window. He walks in the front door and all the staff bow to him. He looks at me and then quickly goes up to his office. Hello to you too Hoseok.

1 month later

This month is my mum's birthday and I have to be honest that I haven't seen her since my wedding. I don't have the best relationship with my parents anymore because I still can't forgive what they did to me and that they gave me away to another family for their happiness. But of course they don't know that I am so resentful because please, they are still parents. Parents usually don't see that when the children are angry or not happy.

I stand in my wardrobe and look at the clothes Soyoung put out for me. A beautiful Chanel skirt with a matching blazer, nice shoes with a little heel and a bag that looks more expensive than some cars. I change and Soyoung calls a woman in to do my hair. I'm not used to all this, I've never had my hair done before, I'm just going to visit my parents.

"Y/L/N, when you're done, you can go down to the car. Mr. Hoseok is waiting for you downstairs," she says and smiles at me. Mr. who? "What, why is he waiting downstairs?" I ask her in surprise. "He will accompany you, of course! Wouldn't it be bad if he didn't congratulate his mother-in-law! So I'd be mad at my husband if he didn't come!" she says, smiling at me.

Oh Soyoung you are so sweet and naive. I walk out the front door and get into the car with Hoseok waiting for me. I have to say he looks really good today, he's dressed up more than usual. And the fact that he took the day off to come with me to my mother's, even though he must have a lot to do, makes me very happy too. But what am I saying? He's the CEO, he can take the day off whenever he wants.

The car ride is very quiet and the only thing you can hear is the voice of the radio presenter saying what the weather is today and in the next few days. I'm honest I'm quiet for a really long time I'm always quiet when someone isn't talking to me and feels uncomfortable next to me then I feel exactly the same. I could win first place in a quiet competition and I would even be proud of it but this silence between me and Hoseok is eating me up inside so I muster up all my courage and say to him "Thank you for coming with me today. I know it's not a matter of course" I say and look at him. I can tell by the look on his face that he is surprised that I am talking to him. He hesitates a little before he says, "No problem," curtly.

Arriving at my parents' new house, we stand in front of the door and wait for someone to open it. "Y/N and oh! Hoseok! You came!" my mother says in surprise when she sees Hoseok standing behind of me. Hoseok bows to her and wishes her a happy birthday. "Come on in quickly," she says and takes us to the living room.

"I'm so glad you came, what a surprise to see you here Hoseok!" my father says as he walks into the living room. Hoseok smiles at him and says "I'd love to. I mean, my mother-in-law doesn't have a birthday every day." I am surprised! Did he honestly just say that? He's never shown any interest in my parents before, let alone me. So why does he suddenly care about my mother's birthday? We were served coffee and cake by my parents' housekeepers while there was an uncomfortable silence.

The young housekeeper serves me my coffee and a piece of cake and goes over to Hoseok. I notice how he doesn't look at her but she tries to get all his attention. She keeps asking him how he wants his coffee and how big his piece should be. Hello, why didn't she ask me that? I mean, is she really trying to get his attention next to his wife?

My father interrupts the awkward silence by asking "How are you two doing? I know this might not be the perfect time to talk about it, but are you getting along better? Have you been able to get to know each other better?" I notice how tense Hoseok becomes and wants to avoid answering but just as I am about to answer I hear him say, "Yes, we understand each other better. We have a relatively normal marriage now. Don't worry about it Y/D/N" and smiles at him. I don't think I'm hearing right? Is he serious? For two months he hasn't exchanged a single word with me and now he wants to tell my parents that we are happily, well almost happily, married?

Back in the car we don't exchange a word with each other. Happy marriage, my ass. Don't make me laugh. At home, Soyoung serves us our dinner and we sit alone in the living room, eating in quiet silence. But suddenly, "Would you like to go with me to - to my friend's house tonight? He and his wife invited us, I said it might not work out but it's still early so do you want to?" I don't think I'm hearing right. To his friend's? He's introducing me to his friend? AND his wife? I stammer "Y-y-yes so if that's ok with you" and he nods.

After dinner we drive to his friend's house. We are standing in front of the door of a penthouse his friend must have quite a lot of money too. "Hello Hoseok!" his friend says as he opens the door for us. "Hello Namjoon," says Hoseok and we both go inside. Once in the living room, his friend calls his wife Naeun and they both introduce themselves. "Hello I am Namjoon and this is my wife Naeun we are very happy to finally meet you. Unfortunately we couldn't talk to each other at your wedding," Namjoon says and smiles at me. "The pleasure is all mine," I say and sit down on the couch. "And how is the newly in love couple? I think it's a shame we couldn't meet you earlier Y/N but Hoseok said you were busy every time" Naeun says and Hoseok doesn't look at me. "Y-yes I was busy I'm sorry. I wish I could have met you guys earlier too," I am overwhelmed I don't know what to say.

"Come on tell me how you two met already! Every time I ask Hoseok he avoids me, maybe I can get it out of you!" Namjoon says.

“I-I uh we-" - "It doesn't matter Namjoon! Our fathers knew each other and that's how we met and fell in love," Hoseok interrupts me.

I think I'm in a bad movie. He tells lies about our marriage just to make himself look good, but I don't understand, he is his friend, why doesn't he tell him the truth? Time went by more and more and we understood each other better and better. I also saw Hoseok laughing so much today, I didn't even know he could laugh properly, otherwise I always got to see his angry and cold looks and he also talked to me a lot more today.

When we got home we were greeted by Soyoung at the door late at night. "Soyoung you can go to sleep it's very late" Hoseok says and Soyoung looks at him in surprise. When Soyoung went to her room and I said goodnight to Hoseok he grabs me by my wrist. "Shall we sleep in my room tonight Y/N?" - "W-what why? Are you sure?" I ask him. 

"Yeah I think we should sleep together tonight.... I mean we are married. Neither me nor you wanted that but it happened now and we should make the best of it." he says and looks at me curiously. I agree with him. He is right. We are married whether we like it or not we are husband and wife. "If you want we can start with little dates.... We can go to the movies and restaurants... We can travel. We can do all that and maybe get to know each other better." he suggests. I smile at him and thus began a somewhat strange but ultimately beautiful marriage.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 43 - watching notes

The sun is setting on this show for me and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet 😔

(As if I will! Ha. Imma blog about nothing else the next ... probably years)

Last time on Sophie watches the untamed: We're still in the restricted section. The twin love-struck idiots of lan and wwx found the Collection of turmoil and suspect Jin Guangyao of intentionally bringing about Nie Mingjue's qui deviation.

As much as I love the "hihi. Wwx is wearing his boyfriend's underrobe" aspect of this, I also like the visual incorporation of lwj's colour scheme into wwx's clothes. (Not just through the undertone, his black tone also has slight grey seam.) It's as if now that they are finally fully committed to each other, wwx is displaying it for all the world to see

Jin Guangyao tore out a page to hide the evidence. That's not how to do that!!!

My heart is breaking for Lan Xichen. He looks like a man standing on a train track and watching the light speed towards him in horror while he's unable to move away

Feels like exactly no one on this show is getting their happy ending

*thinks about yi city and cries forever*😭😭😭

"Wangji, Jin Guangyao,in my eyes, is a totally different person from how you and other people see him." And we all know that lwj knows exactly what that's like

PARALLELS! 😭

(Sorry, I have a thing for those)

And lwj looks so pained

Thinking about it, it's now the man lwj loves against the man lxc loves (in whatever way. I still ship them. Not sure if its "canonically" romantic though). They can't both be right, so ... one of them is going to get their heart broken

Great, first the Yunmeng brothers, now the lan brothers are breaking my heart 🥺

Lwj says he's visiting "Grand Master", that's Lan Qiren right? What happened to him anyway? Haven't seen him in ages

I love how, even though it is wwx's word against jgy's right now, lan Xichen is still genuinely kind towards wwx

The whipping scars! I hadn't even thought about those anymore 😳

I'm probably going to get my heart ripped out soon, but before that

"You are not qualified to talk to me."

Sickest. Burn. Ever.

Also, no disrespect to the actor, but that's a backpfeifengesicht if I've ever seen one

(Backpfeifengesicht: "German compound word for a 'face that should be slapped'. Ex:. When GWB smirks on TV, my German friend Uwe tells me that he sees a 'Backpfeifengesicht'." Urban dictionary)

He went to burial mount after wwx was killed??? 🥺🥺🥺

I've noticed something with lwj. When he's distressed, he won't look people in the eye or not even at their faces, just in their very general direction. To me it seems like he almost... can't? Any thoughts on that? Cause I'm intrigued but I can't think about it too much right now cause I'm already writing half an essay in this commentary again 😅

Oh fuck YOU Jiggy!!!

Holy shit ... holy shit

Lan Wangji 🥺🥺🥺

He fought against everyone?

This is how he showed his grieve???

He went to the place wei Wuxian had called home and ... what? Protected or ot so they wouldn't desecrate it? To search for him? To ... what?

Oh god, Wangji! 😭

That image... I'm speechless. It's so powerful

He's half-mad with grieve and kneeling in the ruins of his dead loves home, having fought himself to exhaustion and I'm... not okay 😭😭😭

He had to repent for THREE YEARS??

Oh no, you don't

Holy ...

Holy shit

How can my heart break and be so full at the same time 💔🥺

Lan Wangji ... my love

I'm ... so proud of him and yet so sad

Here he is at his lowest, finally standing up to the orthodoxy he knows to be wrong

This is inhumane 😳

The corporal punishment of the lan sect always was but THIS

Fuck them

Or Lan Qiren specifically

That's his nephew. How can he even look at himself?

"Eradicate evil. Establish laws. Than goodness will be everlasting."

IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!

WHAT EVEN IS "GOODNESS"? WHOSE VERSION OF GOODNESS? DEVINE EVIL! HOW FAR REACHING INTO THE PRIVATE SVERE SHOULD THUSE LAWS BE? DOES IT STOP AT "DON'T STEAL FROM PEOPLE OR AT "DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE AT DINNER"?

what I'm saying is: there are about 200 ethical question ls being raised by this rule alone!

And now lan Wangji had 3 tears to contemplate them

Wwx asking "why would he bother ...?" BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!

Ohhh! We're getting their parents' story 😱

Oh this IS a Lan episode 💙

So another Lan falling quickly and never looking back?

I'm sensing a pattern here 🤨

Wait what?

Let me get this straight:

Their father loved a woman who DID NOT love him back and then killed one of his teachers

(And I hope we find out why. That sounds like there is a REALLY interesting story there)

Then he takes her to cloud recess and DESPIT HER NOT LOVING HIM, marries her, fathers two children with her (um... how voluntary was that????) locks her up (as punishment for the murder?) then locks HIMSELF up and then fucks of and leaves his children with their uncle

What kind of disaster human being was their dad????

Did he do the right thing WHEN HE MARRIED AND PROBABLY RAPED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T LOVE HIM???

NO!!!

The fuck kinda question is that ??

If you have to marry her against her will and then lock her up, guess what? That's not love, that's wanting to possess someone

I hope that maybe the connotation is different in the og Chinese,but I'm not holding out much hope

That explains why Qiren is such a lovely character through 😒

But god, my heart breaks for lwj and lxc :'(

Little Lan Wangji!!! 🥺🥺🥺

Oh darling ...

Oh no ...

Look at him look at his crooked little headband😭😭😭

He went there every month!!!

Oh Wangji 💔💔

Stubborn, steadfast, loving Wangji!

That seals it. I KNEW why he was my favourite character

He isn't so passive all the time, because he feels too little! He feels entirely too much!!! 😭😭😭

And that explains why lwj was so worried about wwx's demonic cultivation harming him!!! 😭

Oh god, it was such an old hurt for him. I had no idea 🥺🥺🥺

All of these characters need a therapist

Lxc playing the flute to what ... deal with his emotions? Express his grieve? Remeber their mother? (And god, do I want to know more about her!!) Either way, It's making me tear up 😥

"It's so difficult to determine others personalities depending on our perspective." Welcome to the human condition, my friend 💙

And that's love

I ... wish I could show you my face right now

I'm smiling through tears right now

It's so utterly beautiful

He looks so vulnerable here! With his hair (almost) down

And given what we've just learned, that's remarkable!!!

He closed himself off became the immovable stone-faced second Jade of Lan and yet, somehow, wwx wormed his way into his heart and sure, both of them needed to overcome a lot, but here they are, vulnerable and open,not letting their parent's fate decide theirs

I'm... *sniff*

I can never get enough of lwj with his hair like this!!

It's so domestic, so soft

And look at his face! 😭

And mister "alcohol is prohibited" is now serving it 😭

Oh my god this scene is so beautiful

I'm speechless

Was the second flute Jin Guangyao as well?

At this point I'm just expecting more plot-twists

He looks so young! 🥺

Both of them are exhibiting so much growth in this episode!! Wwx realising that the fact that the cultivation world had always looked for a scapegoat and that he himself was just the most convenient target, that it's not to any personal failing of his, that's HUGE!

And I'm so proud of him :')

Lwj starting to play in the distance :')

This is so utterly peaceful

My heart is bursting 😭😭😭

The music, the scenery ...

Also, both thinking they have a clean conscious!!! 😭😭😭

Again, it's them holding the same morals that's important! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!

(But wwx still cannot drink like a normal person :D)

The contrast to lxc sitting alone couldn't be starker 😔

Wait, why are there puppets at burial mounds again?

Are we going back to burial mounds? I'm weirdly excited 😅

Aaand Jin Guangyao just proved to them that he's lying. Poor Xichen

Yup, I'm pretty sure his heart just snapped in half

Little Apple!!! I've missed him 😁

Gosh, they're laying it on thick with the domestic husband bliss this episode and I'm here for it.

I love lwj's soft smile when he looks at bunnies so much!! 🥰

Bunnies, bunnies everywhere

It's the invasion of the bunnies

Who ever is the show runner *banging pots and pans together* IT'S GAY!! cab you all hear me? These two love each other! It's G - A - Y!!! Gay!!!

Probably

Lwj's shocked look when wwx says that he's not popular with little animals, as if to say "how dare they!" :D

Holy shit ... HOW MANY SCENES CAN THEY INCLUDE IN THIS EPISODE THAT MAKE THEM LOOK SO GODDAMN MARRIED???

Is wwx sitting side saddle?

Wwx plays wangxian :')

He finally remembers how lwj recognized him :')

Sneaky, show, very sneaky :D

Wwx about to casually steal some melons, lwj *wordlessly takes out money* ^^

MIANMIAN!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I'd given up hope that we'd see her again!!!

I'm so happy I could burst!!!

Lwj's little exasperated head-shake before he stands up from crouching behind some hay 😂

Aww, look at her family! 😍😍😍

She build her own live :')

And look at this badass woman protecting the ones she loves!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WEI WUXIAN??? You don't remember her???

You better remember my wife!!!

Aaand another freeze frame. But I'm willing to forgive it because THIS EPISODE WAS SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT!

It made me realise why I was so drawn to lan Wangji as a character. Of course he is mu favourite character! He ticks every single box

Let me explain. My favourite characters almost always share the following characteristics: seems either cold and distant or ethereal and aloof, as if they are above such puny human things like feelings™️(bonus if they're actually not human and their argument is "I'm [insert species]. We can't feel [insert emotion they are definetly feeling very strongly]"). then, over the course of the story, we (along with they themselves because they were in denial) discover that it's not that they feel too little, they feel entirely too much. They're a sea of emotions so deep that the surface is calm, but don't you dare be near them when the storm is coming because all hell will break loose. (extra bonus point if that storm involves them rebelling against the oppressive society they were born into and adhered to until then because they realise their consciousness won't allow it any longer.) afterwards they realise that making themselves vulnerable once in a while is actually a good thing and they proceed to fuck the Rebel™️ who they've secretly been in love with the entire time, a feeling they only now allow themselves to act on

The last part sadly isn't always canon, but who has ever had time for that?

You know what this episode made me realise most of all? The Lan sect are just as human as the rest of them. In fact, they seem to be especially prone to acting rashly on strong emotions. (I don't remember the exact story, but didn't the founder of the Lan sect also have some kind of tragic love story?) It should be obvious, but the impression you get is that they are so detached from their wants, so rigorous and disciplined in their righteousness, that they are almost super-human. But no. Thise 3000 and some rules? They weren't born out of some enlightened mind that had the secret of live figures out, they're a crutch. Abiding by them without question rids one of responsibility to make even the tiniest moral choice for oneself. But that won't work because a) they're bounty to contradict each other at some point and b) that's not how human beings work. They're messy and unpredictable and beautifully complicated. The way Lan Qiren choses to apply them, he completely disregards that. At that point, the rules aren't there anymore to grant a harmonious society, but simply for their own sake. (Or maybe as a wall to hide behind)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

I think this liveblog has been the longest so far. I'm sorry for going on so many tangents, but lwj's backstory hit me really hard. I hope you guys weren't too bored 💚

(I also apologise for the mountains of typos that probably accumulated in this post. I'm too tired to check.)

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Hii, I'm actually sad-sweet-cowboah and I've always wanted to request something from you! How about modern AU, Arthur surprises reader with a horse she's been really eyeing for a while? Maybe it doubles as a cute proposal? (and just for reference, a gorgeous golden Palomino Quarter Horse!)

Ah I’m so glad you sent this in to me! This was a lot of fun, and Arthur is fucking adorable! 16/10 best boyfriend/husband material, you cannot change my mind! (Will someone make that into a meme?) Anyways, have fun! 

Masterlist 

Read on AO3

(BTW, Arthur’s hot as hell in this pic.....) 

Arthur stands on the deck of his house, lost in thought. He really should be in the barn, finishing up the last of the day’s work, but he’s worried. You should’ve been home half an hour ago and yet he still hasn’t heard from you. He’s texted you, but nothing. Maybe you’re just stuck in traffic. 

You and Arthur have lived together for over a year, and been dating for over two years. He remembers how he convinced you to move in with him, as you’d been adamant. Hell, it’d been hard enough to get you to date him. 

When you both first met, it was like a spark between you. However, you were scared of taking the next step with him, as you were just a natural loner. Not only that, you’d been alone for so long you didn’t think there would be anyone who wanted to be with you. So when Arthur asked you to be his girlfriend, you almost ran off, sure he was pulling your leg. However, something told you that you needed to be brave, to take the leap, so you did. 

About 8 months later, Arthur really wanted you to move in with him on his little ranch, tucked in a canyon not too far from a small mountain town. But again, you were hesitant. It’s not that you didn’t love him, just the opposite in fact. You were so in love, you were constantly terrified that you’d mess up, that he’d end up hating you when you ended up living together. The last thing you wanted was to mess this up. 

Then, shortly after your first year anniversary, the Coronavirus pandemic hit and everyone was sent into quarantine. Luckily you were able to work remotely, so you didn’t lose much money. It was nice working from home, you could stay in your pj’s all day, not worry about makeup, none of that stuff. But you missed seeing your boyfriend and he missed you. The two of you did plenty of video chats, but it wasn’t the same. You couldn’t smell him, hug him, touch him, kiss him… nothing. You tried doing some video sex, but you got outrageously uncomfortable doing it over video chat (what if some hacker got in?), and Arthur wasn’t all that comfortable either. 

Those 60 days were some of the longest and loneliest of your life. You would’ve easily gone to his home and see you, but his little town wanted absolutely no outsiders to come in, so they blocked the roads, preventing you and Arthur from visiting. When quarantine was lifted, that was when you decided to move in with Arthur. After all, you didn’t know if there would be another one. You could work remotely, only having to go into the office a couple times a month for meetings, so the work situation with you was easy enough. 

That was over a year ago, and despite your fears that the two of you would end up breaking up after a few months, the opposite happened. Your relationship grew beyond what you thought and the two of you have never been more in love. Sure, there’s been a few arguments, but nothing bad enough to break things off. For the most part, you and Arthur get along famously. 

Arthur sighs again, still feeling worried. Today was one of the days you had to go into the office for meetings. They never run past five, and the office is nearly an hour away, but it’s nearly eight in the evening. You should definitely be home by now. You must be stuck in traffic, which is why you’ve not answered any of his texts. He pulls out his phone and dials your number. Why he didn’t do this earlier is beyond him. 

A few rings go by and you finally pick up. “Hey, babe,” you say. 

He smiles. “Hey, darlin’. Just worried about ya. Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Just a big accident on the freeway. I stopped and got dinner too since it’s late. Should be home in like ten minutes.” 

“Good. Kiss ya when I see ya,” he says and hangs up. That’s always how he says good bye to you over the phone and you love it. 

Like clockwork, ten minutes go by and you pull into the driveway. He walks out of the house to greet you, pulling you into a tight hug and kissing you like he always does. He wants to tell you so badly what he’s got planned, but it’s gotta be a surprise. Under no circumstance can he spoil it. Not like this. 

After dinner, the two of you cuddle up on the couch and watch a show before going to bed. He can tell you’re exhausted. These meeting days are your least favorite and they always wipe you out. Arthur cradles your head to his chest as you lie in bed. Within seconds, he hears you snore softly, making him smile. He goes back to thinking about tomorrow. 

Arthur’s owned this ranch for most of his life. It wasn’t always his though. He grew up here with his adopted fathers, Hosea and Dutch. However, Hosea was killed very suddenly a few years ago in a car crash after he’d been hit by a drunk driver. His death had been so sudden that it hit Dutch extremely hard. Dutch ended up just vanishing one day, driven by grief and confusion. Arthur hasn’t seen him since. 

The ranch fell into his hands after Dutch disappeared. He secretly hopes that maybe Dutch will come back someday, if he’s still alive that is. He’d love you two to meet, as he’s sure Dutch would like you better than his last serious girlfriend Mary. 

His thoughts drift to her and he feels even more nervous. He’d been engaged to her for three months before she’d broken it off. She claimed it was because she hated his location, that she wanted to live in the city, not some small mountain town where everything was far away. Perhaps that was true, but he suspected there was more to it than that. After all, when Mary’s father discovered that Arthur had two fathers, he was extremely upset that Mary was dating someone raised by homosexuals. He’s always suspected that her father had a big reason behind why they broke up. Not only that, but he wonders if she was seeing a guy on the side. How could she go from being engaged to being in a new relationship only three weeks after they broke up? Good riddance, though, he thinks. He loves you a hundred times more than he ever loved her. 

You’ve never cared about his upbringing, stating that Hosea and Dutch were at least good parents to him. You’ve known far too many heterosexual parents who were awful, and how many gay couples are out there who’d love to have kids and be the best parents. You weren’t in contact with your parents anymore (he still didn’t even know what they look like), so they aren’t an issue. 

Arthur starts thinking about how sad and lonely your life has been. How you spent so many years alone and how you believed you’d die alone. He’s so grateful for having met you. You don’t deserve to die alone, you’re too good of a person. He kisses your head as you sleep, overwhelmed with his sense of love for you. A smile makes its way to his lips as he thinks about tomorrow. 

Over the past year, as you’ve grown more comfortable to ranch life, you’ve been thinking about maybe getting your own horse. Arthur has a few that you’re certainly welcome to, of course, but you’ve been wanting one to call your own for a while now. A few weeks ago, you’d both been in town to go to the one grocery store there. As the truck went down the highway and passed another ranch, you saw the signs “horses for sale”. In the pasture was a beautiful palomino quarter horse. It looked like it was made of gold as it grazed in the sun. You begged Arthur to stop the truck and just go see the horse. 

He pulled over, unable to resist your excitement, and you went to the fence. The palomino, along with most of its pasture mates, came over to investigate you and Arthur. You patted her nose and Arthur could tell you were already in love with her. However, he had no idea what her temperament was like, so he came up with a plan. 

On the days when you had to go to meetings, Arthur went to the horse’s owner to ask questions and get acquainted with the horse. She was young, only three, but the owner had raised her and trained her himself. He invited Arthur to go on a trail ride using her so he could see how good of a riding horse she was. After only twenty minutes on her, Arthur knew she was perfect for you. She responded to his lightest touch and command. After the trail ride, Arthur bought her, but he kept her at her former owners so you wouldn’t see her too soon. 

Yesterday, while you’d been gone, Arthur went and picked the horse up and brought her back. She didn’t have a name yet, but he wanted you to have that privilege. The man who raised her called her Sierra, but he knew that was your mother’s name and you were unlikely to keep it as you had no desire to see her for as long as he’s known you. He struggles to fall asleep, feeling like a kid on Christmas, excited to show you his gift. He’s also terrified as he’s going to use the horse as a segway for the biggest decision of his life. 

************************************************

The next morning, Arthur gets up much earlier than usual. He’s normally up a bit past sunrise so he can feed the animals and get an earlier start on cleaning before it gets hot. This morning, though, you wake up at the crack of dawn and find his side of the bed empty. After grabbing a cup of coffee, you go out and find him just finishing feeding the chickens. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” he says, a big grin on his face. 

You say good morning and he comes over, leaning across the fence so he can kiss you. 

“Hey, I got a couple more chores to do, but once they’re done, I got somethin’ to show ya.” 

“Okay, I’ll help. What needs to be done?” 

He smiles, loving how willing you always are to help him out. It makes his life a lot easier. He struggles though, as most of the remaining chores were in the stables with the horses, including yours. 

“Um… well, why don’t you go through the chicken coop, see about eggs.” 

You nod and go off to grab the collecting basket. Arthur asks you to finish feeding the chickens as well so he can go into the stable. After collecting nearly a dozen eggs and placing them in the egg storage so they can be sold this weekend, you brush off your hands and start heading into the stables. Arthur darts out, slightly sweaty from his work. 

“Woo, it’s hot. Hey baby, um, maybe you can go get us some drinks?” he says. His tone is weird, like he’s hiding something. 

“Um… okay. Everything okay?” 

“Everythin’s just fine.” He kisses you again real quick and then shoots back into the stables. 

After retrieving two beer bottles, you go out to find Arthur in the paddock, which is attached to the right side of the barn so the horses can go in and out of their stalls. He’s wringing his gloved hands a bit, but smiles when he sees you. What is going on with him? 

“Thanks, darlin’,” he says when you go into the pen and hand him his beer. Instead of opening it, he places it onto a post of the fence. “I wanted to show you somethin’.” 

He looks to the barn and whistles. Odd, he’s looking at one of the stalls that’s been empty the entire time you’ve lived here. Something snorts and out walks the golden horse you’d been admiring for the past few weeks. You gasp and put your hands over your mouth. 

“Arthur, is that…?” 

“She’s yours, sweetheart. I took her for a ride a while ago, she’s a good horse.” 

The filly walks over to you and snorts in greeting, stretching her neck out to bump her nose to your hand. Tears leak out of your eyes as you start rubbing her neck, going down to her withers. 

“Arthur, she’s beautiful!” 

He chuckles softly and walks over to hug you, grinning as you bury your face into his chest. God, you couldn’t ask for a sweeter boyfriend. 

“Thank you so much, Arthur! I love her.” 

“Good. What’s her name?” 

“Did she not have one before?” 

He tells you what her name used to be, but as he predicted, you don’t like it. You think for a moment, studying her golden coat. She swishes her silver tail. 

“Maybe… Freyja? I know you like having names of gods and goddesses for your horses.” 

Arthur chuckles as he thinks about his two favorite horses, Boadicea and Artemis. “If that’s what you want, darlin’. She’s your horse though, you name her whatever feels right.” 

You look at her and smile. “Freyja feels right.” 

Freyja snorts, not giving a single damn about her name. Her eyes are soft as you pat her neck again. 

“Well, why don’t we groom miss Freyja? Maybe you can ride her around the pasture, see how you like her.” 

You nod and go into the stables to grab a brush and hoof pick. Freyja’s very patient as you groom her, standing still as you clean out her feet. Arthur hauls out the heavy saddle after you throw on her saddle blanket and grab her bridle. After cinching on the saddle and adjusting the stirrups, Arthur says, “Oh I forgot somethin’, hold on.” 

He goes into the stables as you pat the horse’s neck again, anxious to hop into the saddle. He comes back out, empty handed and looking frustrated. 

“I thought I left it in there,” he grunts, coming back over to you. 

“What you looking for?” 

“A thing,” he says, ignoring you and shoving his hand into the saddle bag. “I thought I left it… ah ha! Don’t know how it got in there.” 

He pulls his hand out and you see a small, velvety box. He brushes it off quickly and then holds it out to you. 

“Sweetheart, I uh… I been thinking about doin’ this for a while. It would… it would mean a lot to me.” 

You take the box, your stomach clenching. Is this a ring? Or is it something else and you’re just being hopeful? Your heart pounding in your ears, you open the box and see the ring. You gasp. It’s not a diamond, you always hated diamonds. Too common and overpriced. Instead, it’s a silver band, the metal engraved with fancy, swooping curls, a gem in your favorite color perched on top. 

“Arthur?” you say, your voice squeaking as you take out the ring. 

He clasps your hands in his, the ring nestled in your palm. “I wanna marry ya, sweetheart. You… well, you’re more than I could ever hope for in a companion. I never thought I’d wanna marry someone again after Mary…” he looks down and swallows. You know all about her of course. “But that was until I fell in love with you. There’s no doubt in my mind that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” 

Fresh tears are cascading down your cheeks. You look at the ring again and Arthur’s suddenly afraid you’ll say no, or that you’re not ready. He worries that he might have to try and talk you into this like he had when he wanted to date you and then have you move in. He doesn’t want to do that with this though. Just as his stomach begins to sink, you smile up at him. 

“Yes, Arthur. I will marry you, a thousand times.” 

He smiles, swallowing a wave of his own tears and cups your cheek. He takes the ring and slides it onto your finger, then he presses his forehead to yours. For several moments, you both stand there in this position, letting the world go by as you bask in one another’s presence. You slide a hand over his neck, wanting to be even closer to him, your future husband. 

Suddenly something shoves your shoulder hard and it’s followed by a loud snort. Arthur chuckles, pulling away from you. “Think Freyja wants your attention again.” 

You laugh and kiss him before facing your horse and climbing into the saddle (with his help of course). You adjust yourself in the saddle, sliding both feet into the stirrups. Arthur pats your thigh and tells you to just walk around the pen so that you and Freyja can get acquainted with the feel of one another. 

As Arthur watches you walk with your horse, he feels a sense of excitement and contentment. Excited for the future, of course, but he’s never been so sure about anything as he is about this. Marrying you is the only thing he could do, he’s never wanted anything more. 

[recoverymatters]

(tagging with 🌹)Hi... I don't know where to start. Um, I don't really have anyone in my life. My parents are abusive, I don't really have friends. My sibling has a family and kids and is busy and far. I feel really dysphoric all the time and I wish I could be out as a trans guy but I'm afraid I'll get kicked out from my parents' house. I'm 20 and I still feel like a kid. I've been hearing it gets better for so long and I'm just so tired.

(ask continued) I don’t feel suicidal anymore and I haven’t self-harmed in 4 or so years but every time my mother yells at me I get the urge again. I wanna get into fights again. I just feel so useless. Anxious and dysphoric and depressed all the time. Knowing I’ll never make it as an actor because I don’t pass as male. No motivation to do anything. Scared of getting anything less than an A. I’m an honours student but all my works are late now and I get anxiety about it all. I feel like such a damn mess.

Hi lovely, 

Thank you for reaching out to me! 

I am so sorry you don’t have anyone in your life right now that you can trust, rely on or receive support from. Life is hard enough, let alone without anybody by your side. Please know that you are not alone. You have me and a fantastic, accepting community here on Tumblr who all care about you and are all rooting for you. You will never be alone in this universe, we are all on your side. 

It’s very hard when you have a sibling that lives far away and is busy a lot of the time. I wonder if you would be able to arrange a skype call or facetime call with your sibling? It’s not easy, however, even a 10-minute call or text with them can make a world of difference. You never know, it may re-kindle that sibling bond and help you both to maintain that relationship. 

No wonder you’re feeling dysphoric and exhausted all of the time. You live in an environment with people that aren’t accepting of who you are. That is not your fault. I promise, there is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are perfect, irreplaceable and valuable. I am very sorry that you are not able to come out as a trans guy without feeling afraid of being kicked out of your parent’s house. That is a difficult situation to be in and I understand your concerns. Whilst I want you to be able to come out and feel free to be exactly who you are, you need to do what is best for you right now. Which may mean waiting a few years to come out when you are in a safe and secure environment to reduce the risk of being kicked out and having nowhere to live. Your safety is a priority. You say your parents are abusive, if you ever feel that you are at risk, please please please reach out. Reach out to a teacher, colleague, doctor or other trusted person who can direct you to the right support and even help you to find a safe place to live. Again, this is very tough. But, living with abusive parents is not good for your health and wellbeing and I want you to be around people who lift you up, support you and care for you. 

Feeling like a kid is very common, I promise you. I feel this a lot too. This world can be a tough and scary place to live in and the ample responsibility that comes with being an adult can be too hard to bear sometimes. It can be us feel like we’re children in a big, scary adult world. It’s hard to have everything figured out and to know what to do, but honestly, it’s okay. It’s okay not to have everything figured out or in place yet, to not know where you’re going in life. It’s hard, it’s scary, you may still feel like a kid sometimes, but you’ll get there. Step by step.  

I won’t tell you it gets better, but, it gets easier. There are days when you’re gonna think to yourself, yes, I’ve dealt with this before. I CAN cope and I will get through. 

Well done for not self-harming in 4 years. That is truly, truly amazing and I am so proud of you!! ❤️I have just answered a question based on self-harm alternatives. Please check this out and whenever your mother yells please have a look at the alternative and fight the urge to self-harm. You have done amazingly well and I want you to know that whenever you feel low or your mother does yell, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t loved or aren’t appreciated in this world. I appreciate you and I commend you for staying so strong for so long. 

If you start to experience suicidal thoughts again, please go to your local emergency department or A&E. Reach out to a suicide hotline, speak to me, speak to an online counseller such as 7cups. Use the StayAlive app. Please don’t struggle on your own, you deserve to be alive and well. 

I know its hard, but getting back into fights is not going to do you any good. It may be useful for you to express your feelings differently instead of getting into fights. Such as a boxing class, running, swimming, karate, art or dancing. These are a safer alternative to fighting and can help you to release some of the strong emotions you’re feeling. 

Useless you may feel, useless you are not. There are things that you do every day to help yourself, to help others, to help this earth that you may not even realise. You’re an honours student who is working his butt off and trying his best to get through considering all of these circumstances, how amazing is that?

Anxiety, dysphoria and depression are all signs you may be experiencing difficulties with your mental health and it might help to get some therapy, counselling or medication to help you with that. It may not be a cure or help completely, but it might help you to focus better, feel a little more relaxed and it would be great for you to have someone to talk to.

When you’re dealing with these things all of the time it can be hard for you to do daily tasks and make it more difficult for you to concentrate. So, please DO NOT blame yourself for your works being late. You cannot manage so many things all at once and you are not any less of a person because of this. Getting A’s does not define who you are and getting any less does not mean you’re not an incredibly talented and smart student. It means that the exam/education systems put so much pressure on young people these days that they feel getting any less than an A is a failure. It isn’t. Your grades do not define you. Please try and not be so hard on yourself. If you get a B that’s great! If you get a C that’s amazing! If you get a D, E, F, G, that’s fine too! YOU and your health are far more important. 

Your motivation will come back, it won’t always be this hard. Please hold on.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams. YOU CAN MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR. You may not get there on your first try, heck, you may not get there on your 10th. DO NOT GIVE UP. Being a trans male does not mean that you can never make it as an actor. You know why? Because your talent and your skills are not any less than that of a ‘regular actor’. There are people out there who do discriminate and do not understand. Screw them. You keep trying until you find the people who are accepting and are thrilled to have you on board. Becuase they are out there,  and they are just waiting for you to stand up and show who you are and provide the world with your talent, your amazing gift and your light. 

Some transgender actors who are absolutely rocking it right now and showing the world that it doesn’t matter who or what you are, YOU ARE JUST AS TALENTED AS ANYONE ELSE AND DESERVE THE CHANCE AND OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR:

1. Daniela Vega

2. Harmony Santana

3. Alexandra Billings

4. Trace Lysette

5. Ian Harvie

6. Brian Michael Smith

7. Laverne Cox

8. Elliot Fletcher 

9. Indya Moore 

10. Mya Taylor 

Please believe in yourself and your dreams. YOU CAN DO IT. I promise you. Never give up on who you are and everything you want to achieve. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that it isn’t possible or you cannot do it. 

You’re going to message me in 10 years and say. I MADE IT. I made it. I faced the judgement, I faced the hardship and I still followed my dreams and I have made it. I am a successful actor who made it through and is now inspiring others to come out and share their story. 

I believe in you.

Here are some links that may help you:

http://www.allabouttrans.org.uk/support-organisations/

https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/transition-support/

https://www.transgender.support/

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/come-out-trans-equality

https://www.7cups.com/

You are never alone, keep fighting. You’re brave, your courageous and you’re going to make it. I promise you.

I wish you all the best that the world can offer you. You deserve so much happiness, love and magic. 

All the best 🌟

Thanks 

RecoveryMatters