#i'm so All About all of it. also that tim jacobus who did the goosebumps cover art did the album art as well....waghh

[unproduciblesmackdown]

occurred to me that going "did you know that goosebumps the musical: phantom of the auditorium exists? did you know it's so so so good?" is more seasonally relevant to people atm. here's a playlist of the album, i & many others have been firing up the whole damn thing anytime for the past year & the hype abides

[goosebumpsbookclub]

Stay Out of the Basement

Yes, I'm still doing this.

We descend now into the second chronological entry in the Goosebumps series. I do want to stress that this is only the second book, and R.L. has gone with "plant monsters," something I'd expect from maybe book #50, after he'd run out of all the classic monsters. Points for originality.

The protagonist of this one, Margaret Brewer, is just Amanda Benson again, complete with annoying little brother. (Alas, this little brother, Casey, lacks the inhuman physical strength of his predecessor.) She also has a mom who's away on a trip and a dad who sucks so, so bad.

Basically, this book is told from the point of view of the child of a doomed Jeff VanderMeer character. Margaret's dad is doing science of some sort in the basement after losing his Real Science Job. He's weird and distant and doesn't let his kids enter his lab, so obviously they do enter his lab, where they find messed up plants that breathe. Their dad subsequently gets a lock for the basement door (which, like, why on earth didn't you do that in the first place, my guy) and starts wearing a baseball cap all the time, which is never a good sign. Also he eats dirt. Just out of the bag, like an animal.

What's under the hat? I'm happy to tell you! It's leaves and stuff. Margaret finds this out almost immediately because her dad is supremely bad at hiding his secrets. He convinces her and Casey that growing an entire tree out of the top of your head is actually totally fine and not a cause for concern at all, which is a stupendous feat of gaslighting. Then he serves them green potatoes. Which is also fine. (They don't eat the green potatoes.) His old Real Science Boss shows up, he takes him down into the basement, and the man is never seen again. Which is also fine! This is all great.

When Margaret and Casey inevitably return to the basement to catch another glimpse of those sweet, sweet evil plants, they find the boss's jacket Their dad explains that it was hot down there, so his boss took off his jacket and then forgot to take it with him when he left. This definitely sounds like they're banging. Mr. Brewer basically just told his kids he's gay in order to divert attention away from his weird plants.

A third and final trip to the basement (no lock can stop these children!) reveals the rest of the boss's clothes, confirming that he is their father's lover. More importantly, though, their dad's bound and gagged in the (literal) closet, when he's supposed to be picking their mom up from the airport. Uh oh! Two dads now! One was bad enough. Other Dad shows up and tries to convince the kids he's Real Dad, but Margaret figures out Closet Dad is Real Dad because he shows her love. Real Dad then cuts Other Dad in half with an ax, which, Jesus Christ. It turns out Other Dad was a plant clone that got too strong and stepped into Real Dad's life like a gay green Stepford Wife.

But it wouldn't be Goosebumps without that sweet cliffhanger. Margaret goes out to hang out in the yard, where a plant pokes her foot and tells her it, in fact, is her Real Dad. Fade to black. Fin.

I actually love this twist because it really reinforces the main theme of this book, which is that dads are terrible. Instead of processing his socioeconomic anxiety, this guy alienates himself from his kids and makes horrible horrible plant people, literally creating a surrogate dad to manage childcare. On accident, sure, but surely there's something going on there subconsciously. And at the end of the day Margaret remains unsure which dad is real, because they're functionally the same. Even (supposedly) Real Dad's declaration of love could be a front--Margaret can’t remain convinced of its truth for very long. She gets only a brief respite before she's caught up in her dad's bullcrap again, trying to decipher what the hell is going on with him, trying to keep up with him in order to survive. She's an unwilling player in the Game of Thorns and this guy is Tywin Lannister. Get it? Thorns? Please high-five me.

Ratings:

Cover: The cover I got from the library was the 2003 update, still by Tim Jacobus, and a little busy for my taste, but that plant guy is pretty spooky with his beakers and such. 2.5/5 The original shows a scary plant hand reaching out of the basement, much simpler in concept but detailed and gross and slimy as all Jacobus covers should be. I give it a 4/5.

Scare factor: I found this one less freaky than the first, but the detail about the plants breathing did give me a chill and genuinely reminded me of Annihilation. Also, a guy gets chopped in half with an ax. 3/5.

Dads: 0/5. Be better, dads.