#i'm self conscious about the style but yz wanted me to post!!!!!!

[tommot5]

they don’t know about us (OT5 kidfic)

thing i wrote for @citricac1d​‘s birthday. ot5 are freddie’s parents. non-famous au. trans girl harry, nb girl zayn, the rest of them are cis boys. first person, harry’s pov.

Freddie’s birthday was one of the rare occasions I got to see Briana. Lovely woman, but she doesn’t come around often. Understandable, really. I mean, besides all the awkwardness about her and Louis, and that whole thing, she’s got us to wrap her head around. And if you’re not us, you can’t really know about us. You can know of us, but not about us.

I stood in the middle of us, between Liam on my left and Niall and Zayn on my right. I mean, no, there’s no middle in a four, I know. Louis was standing next to Liam until he went to go help Freddie toddle towards his little birthday cake, which Briana held, kneeling. As Briana cooed and Louis laughed with pure joy and endearment, oblivious to the world outside their son, I noticed Briana’s family shift here and there uncomfortably. Louis’s family were less outwardly awkward, but, I mean, we all knew they couldn’t quite “get” it either. Besides Fizzy, I mean, who actively tried to educate the rest of them on polyamory.

And I’m grateful for that. Fizzy’s an amazing young woman, wickedly brilliant. She’ll be a great aunt someday. I mean, she’ll be great at being an aunt. Obviously I have no idea if she’ll be a great-aunt.

She is great at being an aunt. After Lottie had a turn congratulating the birthday boy, he was all giggles being passed to Fizzy, who let him eat a bit of frosting off her finger. Louis was in front of us, beaming; Niall beamed right back.

Liam said what Niall meant: “We’re proud of you, Lou. Jesus, look at this.” He smiled crinkly-eyed, gesturing to the party, the emotion, the everything of it all that emanated classic Tomlinson-brand celebratory vibes if I’ve ever known them.

“Thank you, Liam,” Louis smiled in a semi-sarcastic way, while still unable to hide how purely happy he is. “But remember, I’m not the one turning one full fucking year old.” He said it, punctuated, in italics, like he always says it; like an outrageous fact you keep reading over and over, accepting it, but still sustaining disbelief. I wonder if he’ll ever look at the passage of time the same way.

“It’s not my special day,” he reiterated, turning to look at Freddie. He was in Briana’s arms, entertaining her friends by giggling and clapping. He wandered over to join them, but we all hang back. We must have looked so cliquey. Really, we were just nervous. We wanted to impress the in-laws, if they are that. It’s complicated, with us. That’s what I mean.

--

It was alright. We all get to spend plenty of time with Freddie, when Louis has him. “Sometimes I think Briana and them are just jealous,” Zayn had whispered to me once, leaning against the churning dryer with a swaddled, sleeping Freddie pressed to her chest.

“Why?” I asked, popping another cinnamon almond in my mouth. Have you ever had those? From Trader Joe’s? They are terrible. Too addictive. And I probably would’ve gained a lot more weight on them if Niall didn’t do all the shopping, ‘cause if you say, “Niall, never buy these again!” he just won’t, ever. Even if it’s just a joke. So I’ll never see another cinnamon almond again.

“‘Cause there’s five of us. I mean, it’s probably easier, right? Takes some of the stress off Lou, like.” She breathed out and the smell of fabric softener wafted over to me, which I’m sure was just a coincidence.

“She’s rich, though,” I said thoughtfully. “She can hire, like... nannies.”

“Nannies…” Zayn mused, rocking back on her heels. “I mean, I dunno. I guess so.”

“But?” I prompted, popping another almond into my insatiable maw.

“It’s better this way. Five real parents.”

“You’re right,” I said, smiling warmly. I liked the thought of that.

Zayn smiled back in a way that silently conveyed, “I know.” That was one of the most attractive things about her -- how she could speak without saying anything. I felt a little awkward thinking that with Freddie in the room, though.

“Hey, have you had these?”

“What, almonds?”

“Cinnamon almonds. They’re from Trader Joe’s.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t like them.”

“Oh.”

--

Liam kept watching other people, but leaned over to talk to me. “Are you feeling a bit uncomfortable?”

“I love parties,” I replied, truthfully. “And I love Freddie. So…”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” His eyebrows knit into an expression so iconically LIam that it should probably have a name. I’m naming it ‘autumn.’

In reply, I just shook my head. Sometimes Liam had a hard time not thinking in black and white terms. I mean, it was either you were having a blast at the party or you were completely miserable and wanted to go home. That’s why he had trouble reading Zayn sometimes. Actually, most of the time. Luckily, I’m here as a sort of emotional translator for everyone. I know how to read Niall’s finger-chewing anxiety, and Louis’s quick anger, and Liam’s soft misunderstanding, and, of course, I know how to read Zayn’s stony indignancy. Not to be arrogant, but I think I’m valuable like that.

Anyway, I wasn’t having fun at the party, but I was glad to be there. Like, it’s no Tomlinson’s New Year’s Bash, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s like Christmas, if you have relatives you’re not crazy about, and they bring a bad pudding or something, but you’re still happy to catch up with your cousin, who’s your age and always has seemed a bit gay to you. I mean, so, you could relate. I think that feeling is somewhat universal, having a similarly gay cousin.

--

Last year, I came back home to LA after Christmas and Liam was sitting at the kitchen table, looking autumnally through a Pottery Barn catalogue.

“There’s no way we could afford any of that, you know,” Niall said flatly from behind him. He was still feeling a bit down, because we could only afford to send three of us home for Christmas, and Liam had to go, ‘cause his mum’s getting antsy about him being overseas, and Lou had to go, and I’m the baby, so I get whatever I want. But I did feel bad for Niall, and I kind of regret not letting him go instead of me, ‘cause he does miss Ireland all the time. But what’s past is past, I guess. I’ll make it up to him and share my cinnamon almonds next time I sneak them in the house.

Niall looked up from a catalogue of his own -- or maybe it was the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer -- and smiled at me. “Harry,” he said in that warm, gruff voice of his he uses sometimes when he’s not quite ready to speak. “When’d you get home? Just now?”

We could hear Zayn sigh loudly in the other room, followed by the pwoomp of her body hitting the sofa sideways. She wanted to be loud, just to emphasize just how tired she was helping me and Louis carry in our bags. We heard Louis laugh and flop on top of her.

“Yeah,” I said. Liam looked up at us autumnally.

“Hi, Liam.” I touched his hair affectionately. The table wobbled as Liam’s weight shifted from it. He was supposed to fix that a million years ago, but then the holidays came around. I made him say that one of his new years’ resolutions was to fix everything broken in our little house, and not just ‘cause I like seeing him get all sweaty doing it. It was Niall’s idea to get a fixer upper; it was a better deal. I liked the idea of getting to customize it, make it our own. I think Zayn was wary of the idea of having to do work, but Louis got her to be a bit more enthusiastic once he explained the concept of self-demolition. She didn’t really end up doing much, though. But Louis definitely did.

“I feel weird…” Liam said suddenly. “Cheryl said she might be pregnant.”

Cheryl was a not-quite friend-with-benefits, not-quite girlfriend we all agreed it was okay for Liam to have. It turned out that they’d only end up being involved for a few months until November. Like I said, it’s kind of hard to wrap your head around us.

“But she wasn’t,” Liam added quickly, not leaving any room for drama or suspense, as usual.

Niall looked up, looked at Liam and then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Which was flattering, and, I think, the right thing to do.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked.

“I… dunno, like,” Liam said, his voice wobbling in the middle of his sentence. “I dunno how I should feel.”

“I think that’s normal with a pregnancy scare…” Niall said mildly. I could tell he was coming down off of the momentary pang of anxiety he felt when he thought another unplanned baby might be entering into our lives. I wonder if he knows the whole thing is so visual. He must, being a doctor. I bet gynecologists are even trained to notice that type of thing. I guess that doesn’t mean he applies it to himself, though.

“I wouldn’t -- I mean, that’s just it,” Liam explained. He spread his hands out over the Pottery Barn catalogue, palms-down. “I don’t know whether I’d call it a scare.”

“Mm…” I hummed, prompting him to elaborate.

“Like, I was… getting ready for it. Being a dad. Actually being a dad.”

“Again,” Niall corrected.

Liam nodded, unsure. “Again, yeah.”

“I mean, we have been dads,” Niall continued, reiterating. That was his strategy when he was trying to make a point, like saying the same thing more times in different ways would weaken the other person’s resistance to his correctness. He picked up his Fage yogurt cup from the counter and ate a spoonful.

“You’re always discounting stuff you do, Liam. Like, just ‘cause no one’s told you explicitly doesn’t mean you’re not a dad.” He shifted, leaning his weight back on the counter. “A good dad,” he added.

“You are good with Freddie…” I was sleepy from the long flight, and Niall was better at talking anyway, even if I was better at starting conversations. We’re a good team that way.

Liam nodded thoughtfully. He really seemed like he was taking all this in. “Thanks…” was all he could say.

“Sometimes,” Niall said after a couple more bites of yogurt, “Life just… hands you shit. Like, roles. Relationships. Shit you didn’t know you’d ever be doing or want to do... And I know you’ve had your life planned out since you were a kid, but, I mean, we weren’t in your plan either, right? It’s not a bad thing to have to adapt. And you shouldn’t resist it.”

I smiled, thinking about how Louis has really changed us all.

“Thanks, Niall… I dunno. I get in my own head, I guess, and…” Liam said quietly.

“And you feel inadequate for changing your grand life plans. Like, ‘cause you’re not a famous singer yet. I get it. I know you. Sometimes, though, life just… life just…”

“Brings you something better,” I supplied. I tried to soften the harshness of Niall being passionate.

“It knows better than you,” Niall shrugged. “Fate, or something like that.”

I smiled, thinking about how I’ve changed Niall. I can’t help but feel like his little impromptu pep talk to Liam was also, a little bit, for himself. Liam nodded and picked at his hangnails autumnally.

--

One hour later, the party was winding down. It had been a while since Freddie was laid down for a nap, and without the birthday boy things were getting pretty subdued.

“Ready to go?” Louis yawned, appearing in front of us and slipping his hands in Zayn’s jacket pockets. Zayn pushed him away so he tried it on Liam instead, who complied obediently. Niall chuckled involuntarily like he did any time Louis did anything at all.

“Yeah, ready,” Niall said.

“Off we go, then,” Louis said cheerfully, ushering the four of us to the front door. “Let me just say a quick goodbye to Briana, and I’ll meet you in the car, yeah?”

We all made our way out into the twilight, across Briana’s green front yard. Liam got in the driver’s seat and started the car, leaving the passenger seat empty for Louis. I leaned on Zayn in the backseat and she kissed my head, resting her cold hand on my thigh. Niall, on the other side of me, looked out the window, while Liam tried to find a radio station.

“I miss Freddie,” I mumbled into Zayn’s shoulder.

“Already, babe?” she smiled quietly.

“Secrets don’t make friends,” sang Liam, but at that moment Louis loudly entered the car.

“Right, all, let’s go home.” He rubbed his hands together for warmth. Having to actually leave Freddie at Briana’s after a whole week with him and the adrenaline of a party had sobered Louis a bit, but he still had the afterglow of joy about him.

“By the way,” he said as Liam backed the car out of the driveway. “Uh, I really appreciate you all coming today.”

“‘Course we would, Lou, we love Freddie.” Niall sounded genuinely surprised at what Louis had said.

“No, but you easily could’ve not. I just want you to know… like, I do think of you as his parents. All of you,” he said. “Think he does too.”

His voice was soft, vulnerable in the way he got when he was being embarrassingly sincere, that mood where it was impossible to deflect or hide his true feelings, no matter how much he might want to. But he was growing up. I don’t think he wanted to hide them just now.

“Even if the rest of ‘em don’t,” he added after a moment. “They just don’t know, you know? They don’t know about us. What we do. How we are.”

After an agreeable silence, Zayn -- who I thought was asleep -- mumbled, “They’re jealous.”