#i'm scared to post this but i'm also too emotionally drained to care

[ndjournal]

How’s your dream going?

it’s been a while since i’ve heard about you!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

Dearest anon, my dream is well and peaceful although I am indifferent to it either way now which is what makes it peaceful and effortless :)

I considered writing a post on my learnings but was a bit hesitant because it's just another version of an experience that's already been spoken/written about many times before and there's nothing particularly special about this one. However, since you've asked, I will share some things about my journey and what has helped me personally which might help other Vanessas/versions of me out there. Please only take what resonates, my journey is not a blueprint for all journeys however I have noticed some commonalities in truth seekers.

The biggest thing was quite literally giving up entirely. I actually wrote a post on giving up about 3 months ago when I was earlier into this 'journey' and I still agree of course with what I wrote however I would write it differently if I were to write it now (it would be a more expanded version); perhaps I will write a part 2 although this answer here can sort of be taken as a part 2. You see, this Vanessa's life was quite comfortable in general so when she started on the ND path, while she was very determined to "get it", I wasn't motivated or entirely willing to give her up. We spent a lot of time letting go of concepts and limitations (and that definitely helped later on so I'm not saying it's not helpful, do what resonates for you!) and Vanessa/the ego was becoming subtler and subtler but it was still something I held onto. There was still identification with not much motivation to give it up entirely - sure there had been desire and interest to 'materialize' things but when we gave that up too, there wasn't anything. I was still lost in Maya despite the dream not being all that captivating or enjoyable.

Then quite literally life circumstances all of a sudden threw some major curveballs and Vanessa was terrified despite all that she had learned - it felt like all knowledge had suddenly disappeared and she had absolutely nothing to hold onto. After trying various things and going round in circles trying to keep everything at bay, the only thing left that really resonated was to quite literally give up on everything - it felt like there was no other option for peace but to do so because she was so mentally exhausted and drained from caring about every single thing that it was so much more appealing to be nothing and no one, to just BE… oh just the thought of being nothing and no one was freeing.

4dbarbie's words here gave Vanessa a lot of strength and direction (although her answer there was for a new identity, I did not use it for that as it was exhausting to even think of a new identity. I just wanted to be nothing and no one, that was most peaceful)

Give UP: It is what it is and 'you' can't do anything about it. Just let it all happen, we all die one day and it's over anyway. Worrying, fearing, doubting, striving, searching, desiring - how tiring, you would much rather sleep a hundred years. No matter what, you can't force life to give you what you want. Allow everything its being and leave it alone. Expect nothing from your body or mind. Let them do whatever they want, cease caring. Literally dgaf, if life wants to beat you, just let it beat you. (Ever had a bully? They get bored when you stop reacting and they leave you alone. They may increase the strength of their punches at first, but so what? You're already getting bullied... you can do nothing about it but cease caring and let it happen.)

And also this from 4dbarbie helped me understand the indifference that I had to embody:

I did not fake a lack of disturbance, I just let things happen to 'me' painful or not, I did not try not to react, I just didn't get involved emotionally with what was going on because I was tired, completely, of both desiring and being scared. The emotions didn't interest me anymore, I became indifferent to whatever was happening, neutral. If 'I' got what I wanted, whatever, if I didn't whatever again. I didn't try to change anything, the events just passed without leaving a 'footprint', all the bad/unwanted things had no reverberations anymore, it was like they never existed. Then there comes the idea of: what if they never actually did? And you fiddle and play with that a little. It's just play because you don't really care anymore, it's a real feeling of being unaffected, it's not manufactured because you aren't trying to get anything, not even 'realization', you want nothing anymore. This detached feeling, of needing nothing - it brings a lot of power, try to at least reach that and worry about the rest later.

She knew she had to stop trying to fight life but she was afraid of what would happen if she did stop trying. Eventually she got exhausted and had nothing left. Then no longer wanting/searching/trying to make happen any particular outcome or caring anymore, just pure indifference being in the present moment with no conditions/labels/problems is what gave her peace and then things just starting to ease up on their own. Things even happening on their own with just a random thought without any particular input.

I realized all the practices that Vanessa did before the curveballs had a 'doing' intention, a 'purpose' behind them (quieting the mind, self-realization, dropping beliefs etc) while afterwards, the same 'practices' were engaged again but with the intention of just being with no labels, no agenda, just being nothing and no one and this made all the difference - when you are no longer doing anything - you are not the doer/body/ego/mind; you're just being with no identification and no longer care about anything. And the indifference here is not forced or pretend like she used to have before as a defense mechanism, its genuine true indifference and full acceptance of everything (see the second 4dbarbie excerpt above - understanding and experiencing this subtle difference will help a lot).

The reality only comes when you give up yourself, when you give up your ego, when you give up your needs, your wants, trying to make something happen, desires, when you give up trying to become self-realized, when you just give up. - Robert Adams

Life is just a giant mirror of your Self. When you stop fighting it, it will stop too. But you have to be the one to initiate it. It takes courage and faith for sure to take that leap.

It has no choice but to die. What you take to be reality is the same, take away your identification and it soon ceases to be. - 4dbarbie

It can be easy to get lost in the dream again if you get caught up in the 'materialization' aspect - it's all still a dream even if forms change. Lester also talked about this in No Attachments, No Aversions:

I knew these things were not to be latched on to. I knew that if I got interested in them, I'd stop progressing. I had seen by this time that this world is a mentation - a dream. So to get interested in the dream again through interest in powers would trap me back into what I was wanting to get out of. - Lester Levenson

Also remember these things happen on their own, it's not the ego that's doing any of this and Self doesn't 'do' - Self is just effortlessly being. There's no 'doing' involved. If there's effort, it's ego as Lester said.

Now when I read my past blog posts or read Lester or Robert, there's an entirely new level of understanding and resonance with their words from before. This excerpt from Silence of the Hearts speaks more on what I was experiencing as well.

Let go of everything. Do not hold on. Stand naked before God, without any crutches, without anything to hold on to. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to stand naked before God. By standing naked I mean no scripture, no fancy words, no preconceived ideas, no spiritual intellectual knowledge. - Robert Adams

Perhaps without those curveballs, Vanessa would have continued to live in the illusion like an NPC in a Sims game until something like that happened to her and forced her to completely give up on everything and stand naked before God (her Self).

A day will come when you will long for the ending of the dream with all your heart and mind, and be willing to pay any price; the price will be dispassion and detachment and the loss of interest in the dream itself. Once you have seen that you are dreaming, you shall wake up. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

Now I know all happens by itself and I am just witness to it all. To all Vanessas out there, I know you got this. Follow your heart and trust in what resonates! And remember not to compare yourself to others, we are all One. Everything will be okay 💜💜💜

[mrs-g0th1ka]

◇Characteristics of random big 3 combos◇

《 ☆Hellow my pumpkins!!! I seriously can't wait for Halloween. I haven't made an astrology post in a while, and I miss you guys. Today, I will be listing random big 3 combos and describing said combos. I'm really excited to do this. Enough of my yapping, let's get into it ☆ 》

(What I say may or may not apply, take what resonates leave what doesn't)

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Sagittarius sun, Aries moon, Cancer rising

° You are a very generous person, may be the "mother" or "father" of the friend group you have due to a cancer rising. You could be very loud or very quiet there's no in between. With a Aries moon you are passionate, loving, energetic!! With a sagittarius sun you may also like late night adventures that stimulate you( bars, clubs, karaoke) you may also be into acting or theater. These people may struggle with 'older sibling syndrome' may have a parent who is immature or too dependent on them. Relationships may feel restricting due to their capricron 7th house of partnerships.

Virgo sun, Gemini moon, Gemini rising

°Hello smart ass!!( I say that with love btw) You are very detailed oriented, you have the ability to read a room and people very well. A big mercurial 3 is very interesting. Not only do you study all day you can also party all night. You also have a way with words, may be into slam poetry, fashion, comics, video games and lyric writing. These people make great rappers and clothing designers. These people may sadly struggle with communicating their emotions due to a air moon and rising, they will try to find ways to ground themselves such as talents listed above. These people write their emotions out better than feeling them internally. These people will be attracted to adventurous sensual people due to their Sagittarius in their 7th house.

Aquarius sun, Pisces moon, Leo rising

° Talk about alluring and addictive. These placements alone can attract a lot of obsessive people. Aquarius sun, you are unique, dark yet sensual, light yet dark. That attracts curious people. Pisces moon, you have a way of loving others that feels unforgettable. You have a way of caring for people who you have a soft spot for, making others feel special or needed in some way. This attracts leaches, people who leach onto you and drain you emotionally, set boundaries. Leo rising shows someone kind-hearted and fun, a very light personality. A loyal person, most definitely. This will attract obsessive people, people will want to see more of your light, and they can become obsessed with how good you make them feel. These people will be attracted to unique, eccentric, rebellious people due to their aquarius 7th housem

Pisces sun, Scorpio moon, Gemini rising

° An emotional manifester at best!! These people are ruled by mercury, they can have the ability to speak their manifestations out loud, scorpio moon they feel very deeply and intensely, may feel as if others are afraid to love them or as if they scare people away with their intense ability to love unconditionally. These people could love jazz music, digital art styles, dark art, dark poetry. Relationships could be rocky for this big 3 because alone time is important, you'll battle being alone vs being surrounded by people. The battle between isolation and inclusion. Scorpio moon vs the gemini rising.

Libra sun, Capricorn moon, aquarius rising

° This big three reminds me of love witches or warlocks, someone whose love should NOT be taken for granted, someone's whose emotions should be cared for deeply. These people struggle with emotional expression due to their capricorn moons. Once they learn to navigate their emotions, they can express them in a positive way. Sister sign to cancer moon helps with emotional expression. Saturn ruled moons, and saturn risings can give a great deal of karma to people who cross them but must be careful because karma can come to them quickly ass well. These people may like isolation while doing beauty treatments, listening to podcast, the colors purple, blue, orange, and black. This person will attract people who are opposite of them, optimistic, energetic, outgoing, and someone who can shead light in their darkness. (Leo 7th house of partnerships)

Pisces sun, cancer moon, Libra rising

° Hello, hopeless romantics. If you have this big 3 line up, not only are you intelligent, but you are very alluring. You are caring and nurturing. You are also very sensual. You are connected to your body and your sexuality. You may be protective over the friends and family you hold close to you. Someone with this big three could be interested in spirituality(healing magic), baking or cooking, fashion, glam, photography, nature, and drawing nature. You could express your emotions through the way you dress. You may attract very sensual, driven, protective, and passionate partner (Aries 7th house of partnerships)

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♡♡♡Thank you so so much for taking the time to read my zodiac yap session!!! I love making these post for people who enjoy them. Comment your big 3, and I will describe your personality. until next time my loves, byyeeee♡♡♡

[kix-mm]

G/t build up and break down

Holy shit 54 votes??

Also side note: due to my health I wasn't able to make any art for this post as promised, it'll be released in a separate post and the continuing art will be of what I've made in the past. I'm really sorry but I don't want to keep you all waiting :(

T had always been a sensitive soul, not only to sound and touch but to words too, and yet, somehow they managed to always keep themselves calm and collected, never showing those who would hurt their feelings a single care in the world... they would suppress their feelings, which was already difficult and unhealthy, but it only became harder over time...

G had gotten so used to T being unaffected by their words that G slowly but surely became more and more careless with their teasing, making downright nasty comments about T without actually realizing it hurt their friend, what was even worse is that T also tended to agree with everything G had to say, breaking down any slither of self-worth they still had.

T at this point considered G more of a bully than their friend, but still stuck by them, for days, weeks, months, and a whole 2 years this went on before it finally became too much to handle.

T was emotionally drained and just wanted to be left alone... but unfortunately, G had noticed that T was more quiet than usual, and was being extra pushy to get T to open up to them, G was persistent, too persistent...

"You're so sensitive"

That very last comment made wasn't even the worst T had heard, yet that was what made T finally break into tears, they cried and cried and cried, rubbing the tears away for only more to come streaming down their red cheeks, they just stood there, sobbing profusely. They didn't care what G thought of them anymore, they were hurt, they had put up with G's careless commentary and this is what they got for not being honest about their feelings.

G sat there, completely silent, they had never seen T cry before, and they weren't sure what exactly caused it but G knew that they had probably gone too far... but how? What had happened to T that made them cry this much? Who hurt them so badly that they didn't want to tell their best friend? G was furious at first and was about to persist before T started to spill the truth, how hurt they felt, how the teasing had become more painful than fun after a while, and how they regretted not speaking up sooner...

G slowly picked up the other, gently wiping their tears away with their sleeve and just listening to everything they had to say... this went on for about an hour and T had finally fallen silent like they were before, only this time they looked worried, they had said things that they had never said to anyone before, ever, and the last person they wanted to suddenly vent to was the one who had made them feel like this in the first place... but G didn't get upset for what T had said, instead they were frustrated why T never told G about it until today.

"Did you mean all that you said?" G asked while looking at T, lying curled up in their hand.

"No- I mean- I" T could already feel more tears filling their eyes, and it hadn't even been 2 minutes since they last cried

"Don't backpedal now" G said in a harsh tone and made T face them "I'm not mad at you for saying all that to me, I'm mad that you never said this before. Why? Did you think I would have hurt you? Are you so scared that you would rather suffer in silence than try to communicate with me? Did you think I tried to hurt you on purpose?"

"Yes... I was scared, I was terrified! I didn't want to say anything in case you thought I was being too sensitive." T said while tubbing their eyes

"I wouldn't have thought that! Maybe you are sensitive, there's nothing wrong with that, please just don't do that ever again, okay? I'll be more careful with my words, I promise you can tell me in the future if I hurt you" G never made promises unless he knew they could keep them, and he did, it took T a long time, a very long time. But they got better, more honest, more vocal about how they felt and their opinion on certain things, they were less afraid of their friends reaction because they felt safer around G.

[angelkittycore]

me when i lie.

i dont even care that fucking much, forgot you had ever sent me a selfie, i do not "go nuclear" and your rsd is on you to control. we already had a discussion about that event where i did in fact apologize, multiple fucking times. also i softblocked you because you accused me of lying about being your friend and doing shit on purpose and i decided i didn't want to be in contact anymore.

if anything i'm more scared of YOU doing something weird with MY selfie bc you're an unreliable narrator and are emotionally unstable.

if i "drained" you so much then why didn't you cut me off beforehand.

you just wanted to use me as validation bait. whereas i wanted an actual friend.

n the only reason i approached you about the er*sermic stuff was because you were being extremely vitriloic towards the other character, the ship itself, and the fandom. and i was worried that it would ruin our friendship and blow up badly if you knew that outside of selfship that i liked the pairing. (which again, didn't know you added it to your dni bc i followed back when you selfshipped with the villain.) i trusted you to be mature and you weren't.

i wasn't even saying that i didn't support your se.lfship, bc i do, even if i think your understanding of your f.o is rife with mischaracterization. just trying to essentially say "hey i enjoy this pairing when i go out of my way to engage in fandom media related to the source, i hope that's okay."

you could've just been like "i'd prefer you don't talk to me about that" or "i think i want you to unfollow" instead of trying to go after me with shit that triggers ME. you didn't think about how your words could affect me, whereas i was very aware that there was a high chance of upsetting you, but i wanted to be open and honest because i value that in friendships. i do not play mindgames with people, and i do not like it when people try to play mindgames with me. if i am upfront about something its because its very serious and matters a lot, and i'd rather discuss it civilly than having it bottled up to the point of explosion. again, i thought you'd be mature enough to realize this.

i valued you as a friend despite our rough moment(s) and believed we could work through it come to a compromise. i was mistaken. i should not have trusted you with this blog, my selfie, or anything else.

as i said before in a now deleted post i do not think basing your attraction to your f/o on who many people follow you or validate you is healthy. it weirds me out, i do not want to be a part of that, and you are not much better than haven so i find it mildly ironic that you dislike them too.

please focus on your mental health instead of misunderstood happenings and statements about such which can be easily unproven if i so much as wanted to unblock you and peek at our dms.

[canarypoint]

maybe reader is bestfriends with yelena and finds her to be the most badass person she knows, but kate has a crush on r and is stupidly jealous trying to impress her skdkakdmasm

a/n: hcs are not my thing but i had too many ideas that wouldn't fit one drabble lmao anyways i got super carried away and forgot all of my ideas as i was writing. i have no idea what this is i'm sorry. one more thing, i will d*e before i have yelena call kate anything other than "Kate Bishop" exactly like that

warning(s): poor attempt(s) at humor, i'm not funny lol, jealous kate is adorable, all lower case bc i felt like it, yelena is asexual and aromantic, HAWKEYE (INCLUDING EPISODE 5) SPOILERS, mentions of (nat's) death, the snap/blip/whateverthefuck the iw/endg*me events are called, not proofread, let me know if i missed anything

pairing(s): kate bishop x fem!widow!reader, yelena belova x platonic!reader

you met yelena a few months after she and her family took down the red room

you were a widow too, which really sucked, but on the bright side-

instant best friends

melina and alexei adore you

eventually yelena introduced you to nat, and now you have a big sister :)

a/n: my hcs my rules nat survived or got brought back or whatever idk you decide

yelena and you worked together to get integrated into society (she was much better and much faster than you at it)

nat also helped a lot

she introduced you to the james bond franchise

very disappointed (but also highly amused bc she's actually just a softie under her rough 'i'm-an-ex-assassin-turned-shield-agent-turned-avenger' persona) when all you did was whine about the inaccuracies

but now it's your thing :)

anyways back to yelena-

she's the neediest person you've ever met

fanny (her dog) is less of an attention wh*re than her

like honestly you could be doing anything and she'll walk into your room, sit on your bed (regardless of whether you're still in it or not) and just cuddle whatever part of you she can reach

she gives no fucks about awkwardness

it gets to a point where people don't know if you're dating or not

which is like, fine, y'know? neither of you really try to correct people (at least not anymore), except she's ace and aro and isn't interested in dating, and at this point it would be weird to date you

(she said that in the nicest way she could and nat still scolded her for half an hour about politeness and manners, all while you stood in a corner laughing your ass off at the entire situation)

plus you're convinced she's way out of your league

like that woman (yelena, nat too, but specifically yelena) is so. fucking. awesome.

you've watched her take people out with nothing but a paper clip and a teddy bear

(the teddy bear was just for show)

so yes the woman is a badass and you will fight anyone that argues otherwise

excluding nat, but even she knows how badass her sister is

but anyways the snap happens while you and yelena are at some widow's house or something (you're not entirely sure the situation was very confusing)

and then you return and five years have passed?? and the widow-maybe-not-widow has a husband? and a kid?

and apparently nat died but then somehow got brought back to life? or was like... unkilled?

at least yelena used the word "unkilled"

nat said her soul was traded for the soul stone and then captain america traded it back for her soul??? it was a very very rough conversation

so anyways after you and yelena got caught up you met hawkeye

that was interesting

you accidentally scared him bc his hearing aids were off so he tried killing you with a quarter

that was fun

you're now 25¢ richer (more like less-poor)

and then clint's partner? sidekick? protege?? walked in

instant heart eyes

from both of you

neither of you knew

the others immediately started making bets

you... did not realize you were in love

you've never been in love before! how were you supposed to know that feeling was romantic attraction!? no one taught you that!

kate on the other hand

fucking WHIPPED

like you got a papercut once (it was yelena's fault :( she threw an envelope at you instead of nat)

kate flipped out

literally almost flipped a table trying to get to you with an entire, brand new first aid kit

it was hilarious but you were too busy pouting at yelena to notice

a week later yelena and nat were sparring, so obviously you were sitting on the bench taking notes because oh my god it's THE natasha romanoff in a spar right in front of you???

also yelena had this one trick you couldn't master so you were studying her fighting moves (also just so you could finally beat her in a fight)

kate did not like that

well more like she didn't like that she was like 10 feet away sparring with clint and you just barely missed her flipping him over her shoulder (and accidentally almost dislocating his in the process)

it's fine he was fine clint is FINE

but yeah you didn't notice her and it hurt :')

clint finds the entire situation hilarious

yelena wants to help but she's protective and doesn't want kate to break your heart (you're fragile. even if you aren't. you're fragile, to her at least)

nat is also protective, but she also has more confidence in your ability to recover from heartbreak than her sister does LKSHFKGDF

so she decides to take pity on kate (for your sake) and help her

but nat isn't really one for "dating" all that much and only really knows what she's had to learn for missions, so she tells kate to just "put the truth out there. no big deal, she feels the same way. you're welcome"

kate did not follow nat's advice

she just kept pining

and getting jealous

somehow it became a vicious cycle

but then one day, team widowhawk (clint and kate voted for team hawkwidow but it was 3 vs 2 so guess who won 🙃) had to take down a smuggling ring or something

and you and yelena ended up having to pretend to be each other's date to the event

it was awkward for everyone

but it was the push kate needed to finally admit her feelings

only she got scared, started rambling, and then kissed you mid-sentence (it was her sentence?? she cut herself off by kissing you and it was so funny yes the others recorded it)

then you started kissing her back (just because you know nothing about dating doesn't mean you don't know how to kiss, kate learned that night)

and suddenly she realized she was kissing you without consent

so she pulled back and started apologizing

which only led to more rambles and she was literally on the verge of tears

"katie it's fine, you can kiss me all you want" -you

"i thought i told you not to call me that" -kate, wiping her tears

"you did, but i'm not gonna stop unless you make me" -you said with a wink

she did not get the hint until yelena yelled, "Kate Bishop, she wants you to kiss her again"

and then she did

and yelena said "see? you are funny sometimes, Kate Bishop!"

and now you have a reckless dumbass of a girlfriend to look after and kate has a dumbass ex-assassin girlfriend to look after

[goalcaufield]

my love - c. hart

request: i really liked "just breathe":( exactly my kinda stuff. comforting your loves >> anything else. could you maybe do something along the lines of carter bub maybe having a really really rough game n coming back to you so sore with a migraine and his tummy's wrenching is evidently just drained in all ways ?? so you instantly help him n run him a bath but he shyly requests it in a completely pure way that you join him, just to let him lean his back on your chest sitting in between your legs and letting out little whimpers of contentment as you shampoo the poor boy's hair and soothe his back with oils, and you let him have some time to himself at the very end to get situated as you go back into the room to grab a comfy t shirt and some silky boxers for him and he mopes himself out of the bathroom but looks at you longingly with love and gratitude for understanding, and he gets all clothed and then climbs into bed and you pull the warm heavy covers over him as he cuddles his nose into your chest as you both lay on your sides, facing each other but him a bit lower so you can hold him, and the only words shared are your soft reassurances "you're okay baby. i'm here, shh shh" as you feel the material of your big t shirt of his you're wearing dampens at his tears, it shattering your heart as the lump in his throat finally gives out and the tears of not feeling good physically and emotionally fall from him. and you do nothing but hold him, massage his scalp through his damp curls and for him with your love it all seems to feel a little bit more okay again:(

note: so here’s the thing. i absolutely loved this. but i also absolutely love both carter hart and spencer knight... so i’m posting the same thing twice, but one version will be carter and one spencer:)

normally you try and make it to every one of carter’s games, however, when it’s a night like tonight and you have too much studying and homework to do, you’d much rather stay at your shared condo in the city. no matter what you always have the flyers game playing in the background even if it means you get distracted every now and then watching carter between the pipes.

when the fifth goal of the maple leafs flies by carter’s right shoulder you know it’s time to turn the game off. carter gets yanked from the net and starts to skate towards the bench, but instead of taking a seat he disappears down the tunnel. “carter,” you mumble to yourself, reaching for your phone to shoot him a text. but you’re quick to decide against it. after years of dating it’s still hard not to try and comfort him after a loss even though you know he hates any sort of pity.

the next two hours drag on. you end up getting all of your homework done and you study for all your upcoming tests, and when you hear the front door to your home open and close you’re snuggled up on the couch in one of carter’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers.

“in here my love,” you call out and carter silently walks over plopping himself down on the couch. he lays down, his head resting on your stomach with his arms wrapped around your waist. you try to avoid the question, but you can’t help but ask it, “my love, are you okay?” without a word carter shakes his head, his fingers digging into the skin of your waist. “alright bub, what can i do for you? how can i make you feel better?”

carter hides his face in the shirt covering your body, but you cup his face in your hands and make him look at you, raising your eyebrows in question. his cheeks burn red, “can you run us a bath, love?” his raspy voice makes your heart break and you’re nodding your head in an instant.

“of course. c’mon,” you speak softly and carter slowly gets up from the couch. you grab his hand in yours and pull him to the bathroom connected to the master suite.

you grab the fluffiest towels you have and hang them up on the hook ready for when you get out. you turn the water to the bath on, making sure it’s at the right temperature before plugging up the drain and turning to spencer. he’s looking past you, almost zoned out, and he doesn’t snap out of it until you wrap your arms around his torso letting your head fall against his chest.

“i love you, carter,” you whisper. carter’s hands rest against your back and you feel him press his lips to your forehead. the two of you stay like that for a few moments until you pull away from his touch. “alright bud.”

carter shrugs off his suit jacket and lets it fall to the floor, his fingers going to work at the buttons on his dress shirt. you throw your hair up into a ponytail before pulling off your own articles of clothing, and once you’re completely stripped you get into the bath waiting for carter. he takes his time, not that you mind very much, and he eventually rests between your legs.

“love, lean back.” you wrap your arms around his abdomen and let them rest there, keeping him to your chest. “are you feeling alright, carter?”

carter shakes his head letting it fall back to rest on your chest. “my head is killing me, i feel sick to my stomach. nothing went right tonight, y/n. we were supposed to have this game in the bag. and i fucked it all-”

“shh, carter,” you cut him off, lips pressing to the back of his head. “it’s you and me right now, okay? we can talk about hockey before bed, but right now it’s you and me, you got that?”

“got it. i love you, y/n/n. thank you.” he tilts his head back kissing the underside of your jaw. you let a smile form on your face.

“i love you too, c.”

for a few moments you and spencer just sit there, blazing hot water just how he likes it nearly burning your skin, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. you knew going into this that nights like this would happen. that there would be nights carter is beside himself, nights where he wants to give up, nights he goes into a shutdown mode. and it wasn’t very often carter hart has an off game, but when he does it isn’t very pretty.

you grab the cup resting on the edge of the tub and fill it with water, pouring it over carter’s head being careful not to get it down his face. he lets out a content sigh and you smile softly, and once his hair is wet enough you grab the shampoo bottle from beside you. you squirt some onto your hand before running your fingers through carter’s hair. his eyes flutter closed at the feeling of your fingers in his curls. he lets out small whimpers every now and then, and you make sure to pay more attention to where you can tell the pain is in his head. eventually, you get through both shampooing and conditioning his hair, and you reach for the oils you keep in the bathroom for rough nights like this.

carter leans forward his elbows resting on his thighs so you can rub his back. you work at the knots in both his shoulders and under his shoulder blades. he lets out small contented sighs and you can feel him relax underneath your touch. when you’re finished you wrap your arms around his body, head resting in the middle of his back.

“i’m gonna give you a few minutes alone, is that alright with you, love?” you whisper. carter lets out a soft ‘yes’ and you kiss the skin of his back before getting out of the bath.

you wrap one of the towels around your body and walk back into your bedroom. immediately you go to grab a set of clothes for carter, which consists of a pair of boxers and gray sweats. you change into his clothes again and wait a few minutes for him to emerge from the bathroom. when he does, he has a sullen look on his face that makes your heart break all over again. however his eyes are full of love as he spots the clothes you’ve picked out for him. he quickly gets dressed.

“baby,” you breathe out. “c’mere, please.”

carter climbs into bed next to you, his arm draped across your lower back and his head pressed against your stomach. “thank you, y/n. you didn’t have to do this for me.”

you sigh, your hand going to run through his hair. “yes i did carter. i love you more than anything in this world, it’s the least i can do. you do so much for me when i have a bad day, what kind of girlfriend would i be if i didn’t reciprocate that for you?”

he shrugs against you, he’s too scared to speak in fear of starting to cry. but he does. “i feel like such a disappointment, y/n.”

“baby, no,” you cup his face in your hands making him look up at you with glossy eyes that make your heart shatter. “carter hart you are not a disappointment.”

“i lost that game for us. it was supposed to be an easy win and i blew it just like that. i let everyone down. i let coach down, i let the fans down, i let the team down, i let you down.” the words leave his mouth before he can even think about them, and before you know it the tears are streaming down his face.

“you could never disappoint me, c. you are not the only person on that team. you are not the reason behind the loss, please love, do not blame yourself.” instead of saying anything else, carter lets his tears soak through your t-shirt and the sobs wrack through his body. you know there’s nothing else you can possibly say, “baby, i’m here, alright? shh, i got you my love.”

and that’s how you spend the rest of your night, carter sobbing into your body and your fingers massaging his scalp to give him some sort of relief from all the pain, whether it’s his head or all the emotional pain. you’d do anything for him.

[deadmomjokes]

Hi there! I hope I'm not bothering you, but I wanted to know how to work at an animal shelter? What are the requirements? What does it entail? What is it like? What sort of jobs are there? Hope you have a nice day!

Not bothering at all!

It’s going to be different at every shelter, and it also depends on how the shelter is run. Some are run as a charity (501 c3), some are contracted NGOs (nongovernmental organizations), and some partner with city/county animal control to replace the ‘pound’ system that puts down unclaimed dogs. I work at the last kind, which I think is super great! It helps with the funding issue shelters often have, by having the county take care of things like the electric and water bills, some of the supplies, vet costs, etc. It doesn’t solve all of that, and we still love and rely on donations, but it helps us take in more animals. Plus, it keeps animals from getting put down just because nobody came to claim them. Instead, they go up for adoption! :)

I can’t speak on every point for all shelters, but I can speak for the one I work at, and so that’s how I’ll base my answers. There are a few constants in all shelters, and I’ll go over those too. This is gonna be a long post, so sorry to ramble on at ya, but I love my job and love talking about it!

Experience Necessary/ Requirements

For my interview, we went over my experience working with animals. For me, I’d volunteered with a shelter in the past, so it helped my credibility. I’ve also trained animals, and owned animals all my life. I have some minor experience in animal grooming and wound care, so that helps too. But the only official requirements for the position were: Willing to/able to clean lots of stuff (I’ve worked custodial in the past, so that helped), willing/able to lift up to 40lbs (tho I use this rarely), not afraid of animals (mainly cats and dogs, but also reptiles, birds, etc), some experience with pet animals, clean criminal check, and no allergies to pet animals.

In most shelters, those are going to be the main requirements. Some shelters may not have the criminal record thing, but due to our shelter working with the police system indirectly, and dealing with peoples’ information (to get your dog out, you have to show id), we have to have that requirement. But the necessities in a shelter environment are moderate physical strength, not fearing pet animals, not being allergic (you’d pretty much die if you are allergic), and being willing to get dirty. People with physical or mobility issues may be able to work the front desk, or work to help people coming through, but most shelter positions are very physical, as you may have to deal with dangerous animals.

Shelter positions/duties

Most of my position involves cleaning, and most shelter positions are going to be essentially cleaning jobs with animal interactions and other duties sprinkled in. Animals take a lot of cleaning when they’re kept in high numbers, and especially when kept indoors! Our cat kennels are made of stainless steel, and we have a vet-grade cleaner we use to eliminate the ammonia from the urine, and kill germs so they don’t get sick. They get their kennels cleaned every single day, and they get newspaper put in the bottom, a litter box, a blanket, a food dish, and a water dish. These also get cleaned or replaced daily.

Dogs stay in kennels with heated floors (so they don’t need a blanket; many dogs will shred blankets and/or eat them, so we just forgo the need except in cases of very small or old dogs). They are basically divided fences, giving the dog enough space to move and gently play. Our kennels have drains that  run down the middle of the kennel and have covers so you can hose the poops right down the drain instead of having to go at it with a poop scooper. Some shelters use the poop scoop method, but the hose method is a lot quicker, safer, and more sanitary. There are sliding dividers in the kennels so you can put the dog on one side and hose down the empty area, then switch sides and do it again, this way the dog doesn’t chase the hose or get soaked. Dog kennels get cleaned with a disinfectant and detergent to make sure germs don’t grow or spread.

Then there’s dishes. We have to wash all food, water, and litter dishes, and it piles up fast. Then you have laundry--cat beds and cleaning rags, mostly, but also some towels or the occasional doggy bed. Sweeping, mopping, dusting, and disinfecting various surfaces are also involved. Lots and lots and lots of cleaning.

It’s not just cleaning, tho. Me and my coworkers who are also animal care attendants (that’s our official position title) feed and water all the animals when we clean the areas, and we watch for any signs of sickness. In cats, you’re looking for sneezing, coughing, nasal or eye discharge, vomiting, or drooling. In dogs it’s sneezing, coughing, runny/bloody stool, or repeated vomiting. We also give vaccines to all incoming animals (kennel cough for dogs, and a combo for cats), and our shelter is authorized for doing rabies vaccines at redemption or adoption. This is only done at a few shelters, as rabies vaccination is highly legally controlled, so it probably won’t be at many shelters. We also do pre-adoption checks on all animals getting adoption, where we check health markers to make sure they’re not visibly sick. We intake animals (do their basic paperwork, which varies by shelter, set up their kennel, feed them, take their picture, scan them for microchip, sex check them, etc). We also walk through the people looking for a lost pet. That last one will be unique to shelters like mine that replace the pound system.

There are other positions at our shelter. We have the front desk staff, who do all the paperwork, licensing, adoptions, and so on. They help with some cleaning and animal care, but that’s mostly on the animal care staff. The front desk staff deal with people mostly. They also do temperament testing on the animals to make sure they’re safe for adoption

Every shelter has their own positions and duties, but most shelters will need cleaning/feeding staff and desk staff, and that’s where most of the jobs are. Some, however, need communications/PR people, advertising people, community liasons, etc. (Our shelter combines those duties with the front desk people. We just don’t have the funding to separate the duties.) Every shelter is unique, so check descriptions carefully, and if you get an interview, ask questions!!!

What it’s like

There are great things about working in a shelter, and not so great things. The not so great things are probably obvious--lots of animals who are lost and sad and waiting for a forever home. (***VERY SAD ANIMAL THINGS CW, IF YOU DON’T WANNA READ ABOUT SAD ANIMAL THINGS SKIP TO THE NEXT ���***”) It can drain you emotionally, especially when the same animals keep getting passed up for adoption and just stay there for ages. Sometimes animals don’t make it. As hard as we try to keep them all healthy, some animals get really sick while at the shelter--stress wrecks the immune system, not just in humans. Cats in particular are really vulnerable (which is why cat-cuddling volunteers are so vital!) They also refuse to eat or drink when very sick. So sometimes animals pass, and sometimes it takes a while and they start to suffer. It’s really hard to see that especially when you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes animals come in and they’re injured, and the vet can only do so much, or your funding for the month has run out and you can’t take him to the vet so you just do what you can. Sometimes people surrender their pets to you for many reasons, and it hurts to see them do it. Sometimes (for our shelter), animal control officers bring you animals that were killed, and you have to store the body for an owner to identify. Taking them back to id the body is the hardest part. Another really, really hard one is when (at our shelter) dangerous or suffering animals have to be euthanized. Not all shelters do that. Some are in areas where ‘rehab’ rescues come collect the dangerous ones and work to get them people-safe. Some just keep the animals forever, which is neither safe nor good for the animal. Our shelter is in an area without a rehab, so the dangerous ones have to be humanely euthanized. But the fact that it’s humane doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t do it, tho, so that’s good. It takes a lot of authorization, so none of us animal care staff are allowed to, and I’m glad for that. But it’s still really hard knowing.

(***SAD THINGS OVER***)

There are also great things. Seeing people find their pets is amazing! Seeing animals get adopted is the best! You also sometimes have time to cuddle kitties and walk a dog or two. And as you clean, you get to kind of play with the animals, sort of. But it’s amazing just knowing that you’re helping animals that would otherwise be living or getting hurt out on the street. It’s wonderful when you get to see an animal’s journey from coming in as a dirty, injured stray to a happy, clean, healthy animal going to a new forever home.

Note that I made that ‘not so great’ section longer than the great section. That doesn’t mean it’s more sad than not. I just want people considering shelter work to be prepared for the hard things that are involved, because they are very taxing, especially if you don’t know what you’re in for at first. You have to be prepared for awful things, or sad things will knock you down really hard.

Some other considerations: you’ll be dealing with scared, sometimes aggressive animals, so you have to be able to keep your cool. You have to follow your shelter protocols, or you or the animals might get hurt. You can’t skimp on regulations, or you risk injury or an outbreak of major disease among the animals. Shelters are a delicate balance, and one missed hand-washing could cause a whole row of cats to come down with feline distemper. You have to be willing to be meticulous.

How to land a shelter job

The first thing is knowing what shelters are in your area. Look them up, and get their contact information. Find out if they take volunteers. If they do, do it!! Volunteering with a shelter is an amazing way to get to know if it’s a good fit for you, and also to get an in with the shelter. It also looks great on a resume for if you move but still want to get into shelter business.

Don’t be afraid to ask where they would post if they ever have job openings. That’s your best way to find out if they’re hiring, or when they will be hiring. You can ask those questions! I stumbled upon my job by checking city/county job boards. Just keep an eye out.

I’m sorry that was such a long answer, it’s just something I’m super passionate about! If you have more or follow-up questions, let me know, and I’ll try to be more brief next time. :)

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 8 - "I'm Fully Ready to Amass an Army" - Matthew

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158417598191/announcement

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158440201536/merge-tribe-name-and-buff-announcement

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158440315206/reward-2-survivor-auction

RYAN PALMER

So my wonderful alliance, The Fam, is not something I plan on being a part of for very much longer rn. The Jay vote was handled completely wrong. I mean....I'm not upset it was him...but the way we did it....no. First of all I was told we were voting Jay not asked. In fact...Trevor just stated "I'm voting for Jay." What the fuck. That's not how alliances work. And then we didn't tell Isaac or David. And during this Trevor told me that Scott was voting for Isaac but clearly Owen knew he was getting that vote. I'm over it. I talked and apologized to David and Isaac about it last night and basically threw Trevor under the bus to them. Then we merged! And I told Matt about everything. He seems to really like J.D. and Ali so I am fine with working with them if comes to it. Matt really is my #1 ally at this point so I hope things work out. I am sure Trevor/Owen/Lydia will be pissed at me but this is just a game so it's not personal....I just don't like they way Trevor is playing rn.

LOGAN

Okay so full rundown of merge! I think I'm in a bad position right now, but I really want to have a F2 with Duncan. I think between my sunshiney personality and duncan being duncan we could probably get there? Maybe? Idk. Still scared of trevor, but maybe people will see me as less of a threat now that the other bangladesh peeps are gone. RIP rob and eddie, you are missed. 

DUNCAN

Oh my god they killed Jay! That's literally so sad :'( Jay mom wasn't lying when she said this was going to be an intense season. It's already been filled with tears, but now that we've merged, here comes the blood. I don't think I'm on the top of anyone's hit lists, but I'm not in a safe spot  rn so I could  be an easy peasy merge boot. But just happy to be here at the end of the day. Making merge every Athena game? nNut!! Now I have to get through 10/11 more votes....................party! I know Samuel trusts me bc I have him that idol and spit shined his ass the last tribal. Logan and I are kind of at a weird place. We trust each other more than other people but we need to find a fucking home or else we're gonna be get our torches snuffed back to back. As for merging with the other tribe? I'm so relieved to be back with Owen. Like thank the fucking lord there's someone who I can trust again bc all these players are dangerous as get out. I'm a lamb in a pack of wolves. The gag is I'm a wolf in a lamb costume. What I need to do is just law low for a couple rounds while not taking any power position and just strengthen bonds with my tribe mates. Idc who the vote is as long as I can make sure the vote isn't for me and I'm not next on the to go list. I want to do a f3 with Owen and Trevor bc they'll always be a threat as a duo before me, Owen had my back, and I can't get Owen to ever vote out Trevor so why not just work with him? Right? Ummm other things to say? I'm so glad I got the merge tribe name! Oizys! The goddess of misery and anxiety! Everything I've been feeling since this game has begun :-) although it's been stressful I've had a good time bc of how intense this season is. And if I win it, it will be definitely earned. Getting to the end in monuriki was kind of like a cake walk I'm not gonna lie. Getting to the end in motu? Emotionally draining? But with idol help it was manageable to get to the end. This time? Nothing could have prepared me for this. Like, this is so much more intense. It's not only a new ballpark, it's an entirely new game altogether. With merge happening the game has been reset and we'll see if I can play slither or sheep my way into some group. 

TREVOR

https://youtu.be/EwI-sf7ATD0

DAVID

Im here to step it up! I hate all of my alliance for making me not vote with them but also i have no one else I care about so i HAVE to stick with them those BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways MERGE ITS HERE I DID IT MOM. I still dont have Scott added so theres that

MATTHEW

Merge time! So, a 13 person merge with a 5-4-4 original tribe split is hot as hell and I'm proud of us as a cast for being so messy that we've kept the numbers super even. With the swaps and drama that's been going down, it's really difficult to judge at this point where exactly the lines are going to be drawn for the rest of this game. Numbers wise, people who have had bad blood previously are going to have to kiss and make up just to survive which is GLORIOUS for me, especially because I'm already working on becoming BFFs with Logan again after we found ourselves on opposite sides during the first NuOthrys vote. Duncan still seems to be difficult, however, because we don't even talk but I already hear he's doing things that are contrary to what I want to happen in this game and it's just a whole lotta yikes. As of right now, there's one person that sticks out like a sore thumb as a huge target, and that's my old pal Trevor. I absolutely adore Trevor, we were really close a long time ago and I still view him as an absolute sweetheart and great person, but he apparently hasn't been doing himself any favors in this game. Obviously, he has some major connections; a boyfriend for starters, and a BFF in Lydia. Even though that's only a small three, it's the same sort of fear I had about the Bangladesh trio. When you have a group of people who are so close, they basically function as one vote, which is really hella scary down the line because if you needed to flip someone it's not happening. I don't think it would be absolutely necessary to split them up this early, but Trevor has gone to the labyrinth like every single round. I know he knows about the coveted Door #9, which I've had my eye on since literally round 2 of this game, and it really scares me that he could have a whole lot of advantages that I don't know about. Another thing is that I've been able to meet back up with Ryan, my original closest ally on the starting tribes. According to him, Trevor lead the Jay blindside and left a lot of people uncomfortable. Apparently, he's also been making alliances left and right with basically everybody. I don't doubt this at all, especially because Trevor told me the night we merged that he wanted to bring Sam and I into his majority. That's awesome because it keeps his target off of me and sorta lets me know what he's planning, but it also sketches me out that he's playing so hard. I definitely think he will be able to shoot himself in the foot eventually, but I kinda view Trevor as an easy target that I can use to build trust with other people. When you make a big move, it really bonds people together, which is why I always trusted in The Hydra alliance of myself/Sam/JD/Ali. If we make another big move by dethroning Trevor, I can continue to solidify bonds with a much larger group of people. Anyway, the auction throws even MORE items into the game, because it's not like we already have an ENTIRE ROOM IN THE LABYRINTH where anyone can willy nilly pick up unlimited extra votes at any time right? I've been perusing my options here, but I've been tempted this entire time to bid on what Trevor is bidding on to prevent him from going to the labyrinth. I don't think this is the smartest idea for me because it exposes my hand very early and also would prevent me from going to the labyrinth and getting my hands on whatever is behind Door #9. My best course of action is just to be vigilant when results are posted and beat Trevor to the punch. The current plan of action is to weaken Trevor in any way possible and go in for the kill. I'm fully ready to amass an army to take him down that I can hopefully ride out for a few rounds. I'm definitely going to be putting myself out there, but with Trevor is gone, these people are going to need a shield. And I'm just going to be the shield that they can trust for a while.

OWEN

Lmao so there's a SECRET SECRET on this tribe behind the ninth torch door and I have a big feeling that everyone knows about it. So it's literally become a race to the labyrinth. I've already taken two major L's tonight with the auction items I got being useless and/or disadvantageous SO!!!! Hopefully I can get to that damn door first. [9:00:07 PM] Jay Berghuis (Emathia Host): The labyrinth is now open and I am getting off the train. [9:00:09 PM] Owen: Can I go to the labyrinth pls It literally took me two seconds so fingers crosst huh! Update: Fuck my life. I hate my luck in this game. I'm sixth. Anyways.... This merge of 13? W H E W. Once again, this game has been some kind of amalgamation of seriously weird relationships. There's Trevor, Ryan, and Lydia which is probably my closest like "collective" alliance here. But then there's Matt and David who are other tie-ins to Ryan since the four of us had an alliance too. But then there's Sam, who I want to work with, but I can tell he trusts Trevor more than me, which makes sense since they started together. AND THEN DUNCAN SOMEHOW HAS TO FIT INTO ALL OF THIS because at the beginning of the game I swore allegiance to him, but he has never fit into the other plans or groups I've made?? And then there are the newbies, Ali and JD. I really wanted to start this game with newbies on my side. I REALLY wanted to get to play with new people. And I really do like Ali. But Ali/JD are already doing what Sam says I'm pretty sure, and like.... They want to work with Trevor which probably includes me but as a fifth or sixth? Idk. And then there's like Logan/Isaac/Scott who I think are probably the most on the outs. It's strange because the pairing of Sam/Trevor has attachments to Ali/JD/Duncan and Lydia/Ryan/myself, with Matt falling somewhere in there too. It's a huge shit show orgy of alliances and I don't like it because it's not fun. I don't know why but I'm really not having fun. I know too many people in this game and not in a good way. I don't feel like I can truly do what I want because I have to keep in mind a balancing act with so many other relationships. I don't want to screw Trevor, I don't want to screw Duncan. I don't know. The whole Sam and Trevor thing makes it harder too. And I'd like to think I have Duncan as a number one, I probably do, but I can't be sure whether Duncan will think I'm lying or not. So what I need to do for a bit is just, let things be as they are. There are still 13 people in this game. I've proved in the past that I'm willing to make a move, I'm willing to flip a script, I'm willing to go against a majority. I've done it all. But like... This is a true Greek God-like family where the family tree gets all fucked up cause people can't keep their penises in their pants!!!!!!!!!!!! So I'll let the Gods eat each other's heads, fuck each others wives, swallow each other's children, do all that shit, and at the end of the day hopefully I'll be here in a few rounds to look at all of the pieces left and pick up the ones I want. Until then, my short-term goals are miniscule: don't get voted out, and keep Duncan safe. I literally have no luck in this game. I can't rely on an idol or any other power. I get the same damn message FOUR TIMES in a row. And two seconds wasn't fast enough to get anything else out of it. So :) Let them use their powers on each other and maybe they'll forget about me when they think about all the other people doing shit! Whew!

-

I cannot believe the shit Ali tells me???? Like Trevor and I are talking and Trevor's telling me all this stuff that Ali said about the labyrinth and everything and like sadfkhfjd Ali literally told me all this too and we've been talking for less than 24 hours. It's like... Good because information, bad because everyone else gets the same info?? But now he's trapped in the labyrinth so I guess he can't spill all the tea anymore!!!! oOPS! And JD.... JD. I love this girl because she doesn't quite understand.... And I want to be friends with her too I'm cryin fksjddhfsjd these newbies are something else huh!

LOGAN

SO. THANK YOU MATT FUCKING SUMMERS. Matt comes to me before labyrinth opened and he goes "So there's this locked door that opens post-merge that both Trevor and I know about." And I FUCKING WENT IN THE DOOR CUZ I GOT FIRST PICK. AND GUESS WHO HAS AN EXTRA VOTE?

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158455510956/immunity-challenge

JD

Sooooo, I've really not good with auctions. I mean, that really isn't a surprise i guess. But all well. My alliance got some stuff and that's what matters... Partly Because it can still benefit me and partly because now i know what a lot of people got/ what it does

-

I feel... Much bad. Like i feel so stupid for questioning Trevor. This is way your not supposed to talk to anyone outside the game about the game. I shouldn't question him really because him really because i feel like him and Lydia both want to take me or and or Ali to the final. 'i helped carry a newbie with me, while protecting myself' they'll have another thing coming though if that's their plan. 

-

Omg ALI!! I'll come for you! We'll find out..... After tribal though~ it sucks because i cant communicate with my closet partner. So i just hope he's okay with what I do for tribal... Even though it's all basically the same as we've been playing.

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158512844281/announcement

ALI

https://youtu.be/Odf-Lk8GHIo

-

Can I just apologise for chewing gum in my last video confessional? It sounds super distracting and annoying- sowwy! :)

TREVOR

https://youtu.be/HaJC-MgoVqU

[goalcaufield]

my love - s. knight

request: i really liked "just breathe":( exactly my kinda stuff. comforting your loves >> anything else. could you maybe do something along the lines of carter bub maybe having a really really rough game n coming back to you so sore with a migraine and his tummy's wrenching is evidently just drained in all ways ?? so you instantly help him n run him a bath but he shyly requests it in a completely pure way that you join him, just to let him lean his back on your chest sitting in between your legs and letting out little whimpers of contentment as you shampoo the poor boy's hair and soothe his back with oils, and you let him have some time to himself at the very end to get situated as you go back into the room to grab a comfy t shirt and some silky boxers for him and he mopes himself out of the bathroom but looks at you longingly with love and gratitude for understanding, and he gets all clothed and then climbs into bed and you pull the warm heavy covers over him as he cuddles his nose into your chest as you both lay on your sides, facing each other but him a bit lower so you can hold him, and the only words shared are your soft reassurances "you're okay baby. i'm here, shh shh" as you feel the material of your big t shirt of his you're wearing dampens at his tears, it shattering your heart as the lump in his throat finally gives out and the tears of not feeling good physically and emotionally fall from him. and you do nothing but hold him, massage his scalp through his damp curls and for him with your love it all seems to feel a little bit more okay again:(

note: so i got this request for carter, but i thought it would also be fun for spence:) so i posted the carter version and here is the spencer version:))

normally you try and make it to every one of spencer’s games, however, when it’s a night like tonight and you have too much studying and homework to do, you’d much rather stay at your shared condo in sunrise. no matter what you always have the panthers game playing in the background even if it means you get distracted every now and then watching spencer between the pipes.

when the fifth goal of the maple leafs flies by spencer’s right shoulder you know it’s time to turn the game off. spencer gets yanked from the net and starts to skate towards the bench, but instead of taking a seat he disappears down the tunnel. “spence,” you mumble to yourself, reaching for your phone to shoot him a text. but you’re quick to decide against it. after years of dating it’s still hard not to try and comfort him after a loss even though you know he hates any sort of pity.

the next two hours drag on. you end up getting all of your homework done and you study for all your upcoming tests, and when you hear the front door to your home open and close you’re snuggled up on the couch in one of spencer’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers.

“in here my love,” you call out and spencer silently walks over plopping himself down on the couch. he lays down, his head resting on your stomach with his arms wrapped around your waist. you try to avoid the question, but you can’t help but ask it, “my love, are you okay?” without a word spencer shakes his head, his fingers digging into the skin of your waist. “alright bub, what can i do for you? how can i make you feel better?”

spencer hides his face in the shirt covering your body, but you cup his face in your hands and make him look at you, raising your eyebrows in question. his cheeks burn red, “can you run us a bath, love?” his raspy voice makes your heart break and you’re nodding your head in an instant.

“of course. c’mon,” you speak softly and spencer slowly gets up from the couch. you grab his hand in yours and pull him to the bathroom connected to the master suite.

you grab the fluffiest towels you have and hang them up on the hook ready for when you get out. you turn the water to the bath on, making sure it’s at the right temperature before plugging up the drain and turning to spencer. he’s looking past you, almost zoned out, and he doesn’t snap out of it until you wrap your arms around his torso letting your head fall against his chest.

“i love you, spencer,” you whisper. spencer’s hands rest against your back and you feel him press his lips to your forehead. the two of you stay like that for a few moments until you pull away from his touch. “alright bud.”

spencer shrugs off his suit jacket and lets it fall to the floor, his fingers going to work at the buttons on his dress shirt. you throw your hair up into a ponytail before pulling off your own articles of clothing, and once you’re completely stripped you get into the bath waiting for spencer. he takes his time, not that you mind very much, and he eventually rests between your legs.

“love, lean back.” you wrap your arms around his abdomen and let them rest there, keeping him to your chest. “are you feeling alright, spencer?”

spencer shakes his head letting it fall back to rest on your chest. “my head is killing me, i feel sick to my stomach. nothing went right tonight, y/n. we were supposed to have this game in the bag. and i fucked it all-”

“shh, spence,” you cut him off, lips pressing to the back of his head. “it’s you and me right now, okay? we can talk about hockey before bed, but right now it’s you and me, you got that?”

“got it. i love you, y/n/n. thank you.” he tilts his head back kissing the underside of your jaw. you let a smile form on your face.

“i love you too, spence.”

for a few moments you and spencer just sit there, blazing hot water just how he likes it nearly burning your skin, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. you knew going into this that nights like this would happen. that there would be nights spencer is beside himself, nights where he wants to give up, nights he goes into a shutdown mode. and it wasn’t very often spencer knight has an off game, but when he does it isn’t very pretty.

you grab the cup resting on the edge of the tub and fill it with water, pouring it over spencer’s head being careful not to get it down his face. he lets out a content sigh and you smile softly, and once his hair is wet enough you grab the shampoo bottle from beside you. you squirt some onto your hand before running your fingers through spencer’s hair. his eyes flutter closed at the feeling of your fingers in his curls. he lets out small whimpers every now and then, and you make sure to pay more attention to where you can tell the pain is in his head. eventually, you get through both shampooing and conditioning his hair, and you reach for the oils you keep in the bathroom for rough nights like this.

spencer leans forward his elbows resting on his thighs so you can rub his back. you work at the knots in both his shoulders and under his shoulder blades. he lets out small contented sighs and you can feel him relax underneath your touch. when you’re finished you wrap your arms around his body, head resting in the middle of his back.

“i’m gonna give you a few minutes alone, is that alright with you, love?” you whisper. spence lets out a soft ‘yes’ and you kiss the skin of his back before getting out of the bath.

you wrap one of the towels around your body and walk back into your bedroom. immediately you go to grab a set of clothes for spencer, which consists of a pair of boxers and gray sweats. you change into his clothes again and wait a few minutes for him to emerge from the bathroom. when he does, he has a sullen look on his face that makes your heart break all over again. however his eyes are full of love as he spots the clothes you’ve picked out for him. he quickly gets dressed.

“baby,” you breathe out. “c’mere, please.”

spencer climbs into bed next to you, his arm draped across your lower back and his head pressed against your stomach. “thank you, y/n. you didn’t have to do this for me.”

you sigh, your hand going to run through his hair. “yes i did spence. i love you more than anything in this world, it’s the least i can do. you do so much for me when i have a bad day, what kind of girlfriend would i be if i didn’t reciprocate that for you?”

he shrugs against you, he’s too scared to speak in fear of starting to cry. but he does. “i feel like such a disappointment, y/n.”

“baby, no,” you cup his face in your hands making him look up at you with glossy eyes that make your heart shatter. “spencer knight you are not a disappointment.”

“i lost that game for us. it was supposed to be an easy win and i blew it just like that. i let everyone down. i let coach down, i let the fans down, i let the team down, i let you down.” the words leave his mouth before he can even think about them, and before you know it the tears are streaming down his face.

“you could never disappoint me, spence. you are not the only person on that team. you are not the reason behind the loss, please love, do not blame yourself.” instead of saying anything else, spencer lets his tears soak through your t-shirt and the sobs wrack through his body. you know there’s nothing else you can possibly say, “baby, i’m here, alright? shh, i got you my love.”

and that’s how you spend the rest of your night, spencer sobbing into your body and your fingers massaging his scalp to give him some sort of relief from all the pain, whether it’s his head or all the emotional pain. you’d do anything for him.