#i'm really terrible at projects. wish i wasn't. maybe then i could create art

[scorndotexe]

i've been saying shit like "next time ill try to improve my time management skills" since i was about eight years old maybe we should all just accept that i cannot manage my time well and this is something i simply cannot improve. i'm still gonna keep on writing it in reflections though

[xiadz]

When I was in highschool, art class was my favorite with computer class being a close second. In 9th grade I was so excited to be able to spend an entire hour dedicated only to art. My teacher didn't like me, I don't really know why cause I wasn't an asshole kid and was mostly just quiet. I suspect it was because I wore death metal band shirts and she was heavily christian, but I don't know. Every single project I did and turned in, it was an instant fail. I mean every one, not even a D mark, everything was a failing grade. I began to think maybe I just fucking suck at this but still, it was the only class all throughout highschool where I didn't miss a single assignment. The kid that sat next to me that year thought it was bullshit and even he asked her about it and she said I just simply didn't meet the required expectations. That solidified it, I'm just terrible at this. Until one day, the same dude - suggested we switched projects for the turnin and see what happens. I thought it was dumb and it would just ruin his grade but I agreed, and the exact same thing happened. Teacher marked "my" project with an F and marked "his" with an A. I couldn't believe it, I still don't believe it. That someone in a position of power like that would just fuck with a kid for zero reason other than disliking them. I wish I could tell you that I was motivated to continue art out of spite, but something about it really ruined every aspect of it for me. Despite our little experiment of swapping projects, that year ruined every perception I had of my capabilities. I stopped drawing completely, I barely painted, and anything I created I kept to myself. The idea that I would ever show anyone else things I was working on was insane, so I kept it to myself for the next 15 years. Every great once in a while I'll maybe post what I consider a shitpost equivalent of something I made, but for the most part everything else is destined to live covered in dust away from the world. & Having any piece that is associated with me and not just some random weirdo on the internet? Not happening ever. I'm trying to change that about myself, in some sort of symbolic sacrifice I took this final project we made in that very same class, which mine was a large ceramic pumpkin, and about a year ago I walked outside and just fucking smashed it against the ground. I saved it all these years sitting in my closet but I fucking resented it. I hated associating with it, I hated that teacher for making me feel that way. I hated even more that I thought about her while she probably has no recollection of who I even am. I'm still kind of unsure about publicly showing off things I've made that can be associated with me. But for the last 2 years I've been creating, and I've been enjoying it. I've been showing some friends my poster designs, I've sent a few discord strangers my works in progress, I even entered a competition a while back. I didn't win, but it isn't the point. I'm just kind of mad at myself for spending all those years doing almost nothing at all, but I'm over it. I bought a new notebook a few months ago and it almost never leaves my side. A step forward is a step forward, no matter what cunts try to block your path.

[thewolfmanny]

uhhh sappy post time

last halloween, i played house of ashes with my partner, their sister, and their sister's girlfriend. we all picked our characters and passed the controller around in couch multiplayer mode. obviously, i picked salim cuz he was the only one who wasn't us military lmao and i decided i needed to protect him at all costs. my partner played jason (cute) which thank god cuz they picked the best choices to make him feel really bad about himself hehe

i really enjoyed the story and discovered there was a fan community when i deep dived into the tumblr tag for aesthetic gif sets. i was so confused by how jason/salim could work that i started writing my fic home with you to see if i can come up with a story for them to believably get together. i don't think i did a bad job! it was the first fic i wrote/finished

now for the serious part and the point of this post - last year, i was going thru a major depressive episode bordering on suicidal due to some unfortunate-bordering-on-devastating things happening in my life. i was isolating myself and barely getting out of bed or eating. what was rough was that halloween is my favorite holiday so it was hard to get into the headspace to enjoy it until we got around to playing the game together

i found an online community during a time when i felt very disconnected with the community i used to have IRL and has since disintegrated due to the pandemic. i've lost a lot of friends over these past 2-3 years and it's still hard some days as i am trying to recover from a lifelong struggle with trauma

however, i've met some great people thru hoa and it's given me the inspiration/outlet to draw and write again when i hadn't done so for years. i look back at my first drawings for hoa a year ago and how much i've improved since then, even in writing. now i'm getting the itch to create original stories and take my art/writing seriously. being in fandom this past year has helped a lot in my recovery including safely exploring my gender and sexuality, trauma, educating myself on the world around me, and renewing old passions like learning about history. i love meeting new people from around the world and connecting together to enjoy something we love, to have fun, and relate to each other when so much terribleness is happening all over the place. kinda feels like the point of house of ashes and maybe that's why i love it so much

i'm going to start setting up my patreon and ways for folks to throw me some money if they're feeling generous. recently i had to quit a very toxic job due to racism/ableism and i'm not sure when i'll be in a good place to work full-time again. i wish i could draw and write every day for y'all and live comfortably but it's hard working solely as an artist nowadays. still, i have projects planned for the future - some horror related, kink related, original characters - and i hope y'all stick around. i'm not done with HOA yet

love,

manny