#i'm probably not completely happy with it because it's so self-indulgent but THAT'S THE DEVIL TALKING. IF I DON'T INDULGE MYSELF WHO WILL

[heytheredeann]

Not a love song

Tags: Post-Canon, Mentions of Gaby Teller, Misunderstandings, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Alterous attraction, Asexual Character, asexual illya kuryakin, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Napoleon Solo, Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Acephobia (only like one line of dialogue), Non-Sexual Intimacy, Sharing a Bed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt Napoleon Solo (only a little bit - to make him TALK loool)

Notes: This fic exists because with the new year I figured I'd try to be change I want to see in the world, and I definitely would love to have more aspec fics to read LOL. Sidenote for those who don't know: the term "alterous attraction" indicates a feeling that is not necessarily platonic but is not romantic either, it's something in-between that doesn't fit into either label or that is not easily identifiable as one or the other, and that's what I imagine Napoleon is experiencing (I struggled to pick a relationship tag, I wish Ao3 had a third option LOL). He's just there like "I WANT HIM" "Like a boyfriend?" "DUNNO, I W A N T HIM *grabby hands *". Illya's feelings could be straight up romantic or platonic or alterous as well, his POV is not shown so *shrug *. I tend to headcanon him as biromantic, but if you want to read aro Illya into this I definitely won't complain LOL. That's all, I think, enjoy!

.

It’s possible that Napoleon might have—misread the situation.

Though really, how is this his fault? Illya is the one sending mixed signals all around.

First he gets all cozy with him, always finding an excuse to touch him, be it with a hand on the small of his back, an arm around his shoulders as they sit close together or even his hands on his hips as he leans to look over his shoulder, and then, when Napoleon starts flirting back, he closes up like a clam.

Perhaps Illya is just confused about his feelings. Maybe he’s never been with a man before, and though he very obviously started indicating that he wants him close he wasn’t sure what to do once Napoleon started responding.

It would be understandable, and Napoleon should perhaps just talk to him about it, but—Illya has been steering clear of him for a week now, since when Napoleon got tipsy and impatient and he straight up tried to come on to him, and he isn’t sure what to do about it now that he might have completely ruined everything.

He was stupid, he shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that, he should have tried to ease Illya into it, but—he missed him. The most concerning part of the whole thing wasn’t the insistent pull of want that began growing in the pit of his stomach as Illya started freely touching him, that deep-seated desire to be held in his arms, tangled together under the sheets and allowed to relax skin to skin after a good fuck, that was acceptable, normal, but—

What he wasn’t prepared for was the panic that would overtake him the moment Illya started pulling away from him.

[More on Ao3]

[inaconstantstateofchange]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thank you @hereforanepilogue for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 2!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? about 19k

3. What fandoms do you write for? baldur's gate 3

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

finirà bene [been posted longer]

hold me (like a knife) [literally posted today 😅]

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to! i love talking about my thoughts and plans for the story and the background brainstorming that goes into it

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i don't know if it's applicable because i'm incapable of writing actual angsty endings? angst, absolutely, but I can't end it that way. the closest would probably be the WIP oneshot i have exploring raphael and haarlep's dynamic? and that's less angsty ending and more just... The Way Devils Are™ y'know

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? currently it would be hold me (like a knife). the characters are still working for their happy ending in finirà bene.

8. Do you get hate on fics? not yet, but i don't get much interaction on them in general, so that mostly makes sense

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i do! the more unusual and inhuman the better, usually. i love exploring what the lived experience of someone not standard-human would be.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? not yet!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? certainly not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? no afaik

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? not unless mutual brainstorming over an unhinged wrestling!au counts

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? probably shen qingqiu/luo binghe from svsss, with a possible addendum of shen qingqiu/luo binghe/liu qingge

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? none so far! everything i want to finish right now i still very much have motivation to complete. finirà bene is going to take the longest just for its length, but so far i've been able to keep at it.

16. What are your writing strengths? from my own perspective and feedback i've received, i feel like i'm pretty strong in my descriptions and dialogue/characterization. those are two things that i used to consider my primary weaknesses so it's nice to be able to see them now as my strengths.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? i resist splitting sentences as long as i can. like are they technically correct? yes. should i please give the narrator a single moment to catch their breath? also yes.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? hmm... i don't foresee a lot of cause for it? so i'm not opposed theoretically but i can't really see it happening

19. First fandom you wrote for? that i posted anywhere, naruto. that i just wrote longhand for me and my one friend in middle school, twilight and/or harry potter.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? hold me (like a knife), by a slim margin. it is so self-indulgent and everything i wanted to read myself, and the fulfillment of a scene that's been in my mind for months, since playing through bg3 the first time. i also took it from an unedited 4.5k to a fully-edited 10.5k words in a fever-dream of a long weekend, which is an absolutely unprecedented accomplishment for me.

tagging @selkie-of-sule-skerry, @edda-grenade, and @childofyuggoth, as well as anyone else who wants to participate!

[bloggerfromouttaspace]

The power of privacy

I like to believe the worst is yet to come and the unknown future probably will be better. That is because of my reasoning to self doubt and care about myself more than I do others.

I used to be a person that is so simp that would take any hatred and yet become so helpful to strangers I don't even know but understand. The understanding is how I became a man, the strangers were the ones that i could never understand.

We all live in a catastrophic world of natural disasters and all we hope for in this world is peace and abundance of joy, but how ? Indulging in sins from the Holy Bible for instance never seemed harder yet everyone prays for it, a poor family struggling and maintain stomach with rent still repents just to have a position around other people in life, in the end to only become strangers again.

There is a dad joke and a mother's saying I'll share with you today, the mother's saying goes "Don't talk to strangers, strangers are dangerous." , with a simple dad jokes that rhymes with, you hurt my daughter, I'll hurt your face, because I'm chuck norris etc...

In the end the repentance and blessings we inherit are what we actually truly need and that is written in our faith by God. But why does sins looks and feel easy, yet those people still live astonishing lives? They cry more than the make up they put on, the face the show the world, is the tear drop of their image that they cover every time.

That is why there's good and evil, in mordern terms, the balance of both is essential to deal with devils that are humane and living as different types of species on mother earth.

There is an uncommon and a complete opposite side to avoid and resolve this issue, if you have to many friends you care what they think about. You thoughts become their voices, so when your world becomes theirs, their voices run and gun inside your minds as thoughts. That is why being independent is important, saying NO. Is important.  Conservative germs and energy leads to better happiness that a fuck for a night that could bring you more make up and heart ache, probably a gym membership and discount cards for shopping to..

Being private and leaving people thinking you are mysterious is a great way to end a base with your image and create a new form of identity. It's like look he is here, he is there. He was here, he went there. Now he is here, now this is present. The mysterious part is I could've crawled off the walls like Spiderman and they would've bought it.

The more mysterious you are, the more attention you let out that usually comes back around in the end. People become envious and jealous, they tend to stalk you and make sure they learn everything about you so it contributes to their self isolation and mental health focus to grow after spotting on your performance of hustle and growth 💯 If you look at it under serpent law of Judaism, the law of attraction here is completely useless for both parties because it ends up in sadness and deep thought mental isolation over jealous and envious eaves drops rather than positive straight towards conversations. If you have to meet a stranger, meet one that doesn't want to say Hi, a hint to help your gut movement ladies. The more you push around them, the more you know you win in the argument of life later on in life.  😉 But choose your peers, Manchester United is not having a good season.

Being private is awesome if you are a nobody though, if you are a drop out, if you do not have qualifications.

Being private fights every words the opposition makes in regards to knowledge and the manual of life. In between both parties, regardless how much money is on the line....

[dreamii-yume]

Hi Yume! I wanted to tell you that I love all your writings and that you are a truly fantastic writer! Sorry if I seem indiscreet, but I'm curious to know what pushed you and / or pushes you to write your sinfics. Don't feel pressured to answer at all, everyone has their own reasons and everyone has the right to write what he/she/they wants. Sorry for the inconvenience and be safe and remember to drink enough water!💕 (In addition English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes) Hope you have a good day! 😘✨

Hello~! ♥︎

Don’t worry, Darling (〃ω〃) I don’t feel pressured at all, I’m actually pleasantly surprised that you asked this question! You’re going right into Yume’s origin story now lol (๑･̑◡･̑๑)

I started writing fanfics myself when my taste was getting a little too…specific.

I think I mentioned once here that I get easily bored this is such a mean word, I’m sorry of anything I was once interested in if they’re not constantly doing things to keep me entertained lol So, I used to read A LOT of fluffy fanfictions, once that makes you rot and squeal— no smut, just very ｐｕｒｅ vibes (U w U) You know, like the typical teenager that I was lol I couldn’t even read any smut at that point because I view them like the ✨spawn of the devil✨ and it ✨ｃｏｒｒｕｐｔｓ✨ the characters I loved or something 👁👄👁 and also probably because I was a minor But oh how things have changed…Yes, I was that pure kid in school who didn’t know JACKSHIT about anything sexual \(//∇//)\ Bruh I remember covering my eyes every time I see a pp in my science textbook lol ☠️

…To tell you the truth, Yume once wrote a now completed fluffy fanfiction of a certain show and posted it on Wattpad _:(´ཀ`」 ∠): Yeaahh, I’m not gonna elaborate more on that but the fic is still there with a million views holy shit and it’s still haunting me every night that it still exists.

But then, I started getting bored of fluff because— it’s just the same trope over and over again and yeah, yeah… (c" ತ,_ತ) So, I decided to expand my taste a bit more and boom, look what I found— The ✨ｙａｎｄｅｒｅ✨ trope 👁👄👁 Ever since then, I became OBSESSED with these kinds of fic because with these kinds of fics— It doesn’t really…give a shit about what is wrong or what is right so, you can literally write anything you want with it (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))♡ It’s the kind of love that ｐｅｒｓｉｓｔｓand I love it because you don’t know where a yandere fic can go most of the time, you know? That keeps me hooked and wanting for more! ♥︎

And finally, when I turned legal— HAHAHA, We all know where this went lol ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I started reading ｓｍｕｔbut not just any kinds of smut, no no…ｙａｎｄｅｒｅ　ｓｍｕｔ(O w O) And that was a start of a beautiful friendship— ♥︎

So, I started wanting more, yeah? I discovered new kinks and realized I…liked the most fucked up ones?? Lol Even I don’t know exactly why I like Non-con so much— When I see a fic that doesn’t have any non-con in it, or anything fucked in general because im hornii I get less motivated to read it lol Maybe because I was so sick and tired of seeing two characters falling in love that seeing only ONE character fall into an unrequited love is so fucking spicy and a lot more interesting to me— like, where is it gonna go (O w O) I’m interested!

Bonus points if their love never gets returned through out the story and they become even more obsessed with their Darling until they decide to just…snap and neglect fuck everything else— HAVING DARLING IS A MUST （╹◡╹）

So, yeah— I basically read almost all Yandere Non-Con fics in existance at this point (°▽°) But it just wasn’t enough to quench the ｔｈｉｒｓｔ in me and I was honestly disappointed because there was always this one fic idea in the back of my head with very specific ｙｉｋｅｙ tags that I wanted someone to execute but never found one in my time of reading fanfictions （；＿；）So I just kinda…started writing them on my own lol the ultimate fine ill do it myself moment lmao At first, it was just for self-indulgence and never to be revealed in public because the content is so yikes, yknow? I have that fear of getting judged like— Why would anyone like these kinds of fics…lol

And then, the pandemic came and I was bored as hell— I discovered tumblr and decided to just fuck it, what’s the worse that can happen lol Thus, Yume was born and I was soo happy to see Darlings saying that they like my fics! (๑>◡<๑) And I finally felt liberated like, holy hell— I wasn’t alone with these kinds of kinks lol I started to not give a damn anymore and write whatever the hell I want, pushing my dark fantasies into each coming fics that I actually started calling them…Sinfics lol im a sinner and im proud

And I think that’s what pushes me to write more lol I absolutely LOVE talking with other Darlings who shares common interests with me!

Sorry for the long post, by the way~! But at least, you now know just a little bit more about Yume, yeah~? ٩( ᐛ )و Love you all, as always ♥︎

[mistresskitsune]

Venting post.

So, I guess I should start this off with the clearing of stuff on my mind. Ironically I encouraged my recent (sadly now ex) partner to do this for himself and so I really should take my own advice.

2019 has been an absolute rollercoaster of a year. More of a downward spiral and I am fighting tooth and nail with what feels like a losing battle. This is not some cry for help, nor am I in denial of stuff. I just finally wanted to put it out there what's going on. I'm not a wordsmith by any means, but here is the guide to my mind at this point in time.

It's hard to express exactly what's going on however the best way to describe it is I feel like a caged animal. I'm so lost in life, I can barely see a light at the end of a tunnel and I am so frightened of the future.

My long term relationship came to an end on new years day this year. I thought it ended smoothly, however the truth of situations came to light and it become nasty and twisted. It was such a toxic relationship for myself while he basically was developing another one behind my back. I had everything ripped from me inside and out and 2019 I've felt hollow and low all year. 7 devoted years of my personality and my good qualities being drained away from from me is shit as fuck.

Following that,I had a horrendous time at work, little support while I underwent yet another (of my 17 so far) emergency operations on my ovary. Recovery was brutal, I had to go back to work and I burst my stitches mid shift in a lunchtime rush. That was agonising and yet I was told to stay on shift. I walked out mid shift a couple of weeks later after spending the night with a friend who had attempted suicide, being with her at the bridge holding on to her while she was on the edge. I got to work 2 hours later after that event, my boss was aware of the situation and yet he proceeded to crack suicide jokes on my face (he did know 6 months prior I lost someone in my family to suicide). So I quit.

I'm scared of my current medical treatment, I'm not even 30 yet and I'm medically being induced into a menopause before getting a hysterectomy. I tell everyone it's fine, that I'm fine but truthfully I'm petrified I'm going through a major body change, something most female of my age wont experience for roughly 30 years. The pain it causes, the physical changes and the mental changes will reduce my current pain situations long term vastly, however in the short term makes me feel awful. I feel incomplete, I dont feel human at times. I struggle explaining how it feels to feel alien on my body, while my peers around me are getting on with their lives and I am left feeling imprisoned by my own body. I know that sounds self indulgent and whiny and probably is , but it dont recognise myself sometimes.

My recent partner, he is a wonderful guy and I wish him all the happy things for the future. Hes been sorting his own issues out, his breakup with me was mature and reasonable. He didnt feel the connection. It did rattle me, not because of his reasoning at all, but rather it reminded me how scared I am to be alone. I've never felt completely wanted in a relationship, because what I've experienced hasnt been great until this one. However, it did highlight my own damage and issues I need to address. I need to find my self again, I need to find out who I am and what I like so that future partners can enjoy the best version of me, and not this negative damaged shell of me. So as much as I hurt, it's not because of our situation directly, we still are friends and I adore him greatly but its hurting because perhaps I've been running away from myself all year.

I used to be this bubbly, confident, loud, fun person and I know she is still in there. I've seen glimmers. I'm trying to apply for university for my masters because I was once fairly academic and believed in it and I found my dream course so I am guns blazing at this.

I'm trying to sort my life out so I can look back and say I own my on shit, I'm accountable for my own happiness and not investing it to be coming from others because that is not healthy for anyone and I am determined to grow from this year.

I used to love my crochet, being creative, networking, I used to have fun making wee gifts for people, going on walks etc, used to love reading comics and graphic novels.

I love debating politics and social policy with people. I love hearing where people come from based upon their life circumstances and I adore playing devils advocate.

I used to love cosplay and costume making. I used to love doing performances and my contemporary dancing. I threw that all away for my first relationship. Then essentially put that resentment on others following that relationship.

Fuck that shit. It ends here. This is my final wallow in self pity that I can reflect back on and all that's left to do now is grow from here.

Thank you for 1. Reading this 2. My friends are absolute superheroes and I am blessed to have such a good support network and 3. To the recent Mr- thank you for encouraging me to finally address my shit. You gave me a wake up call.