#i'm probably about the most active i've been in my life so far and i still have pain because i have a historical precdence for it

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it can be true that certain lifestyle changes can help with pain and disability, but people really overplay how those changes will affect people's lives.

I've found that exercise has helped my back pain - I have had chronic back pain that PT didn't touch, but exercise has helped. However, what hasn't changed is what exasperates that pain, and when my pain is especially exasperated, it doesn't matter how much I exercise, I'll be in my bed trying so hard to get out, and I'll be seeing white. So, yes, exercise helped me, but it did not save me. That's an example of what I mean.

It's fine to give (solicited!!) advice to people about how to manage things like this. But I'm begging people to be realistic about this. Lifestyle changes can only do so much, and disabilities are - surprise! - disabling.

[kerink]

the thing that's been most surprising to me with mouthwashing so far is how little empathy people are willing to extend to curly. and i don't mean this in a piss on the poor way, i'm deeply saddened and genuinely confused by it.

when i first played the game i was at one of the lowest points i've been at in a really long time. my mental health is bad my physical health is bad. i experienced SA a year ago and was recently diagnosed with cancer. i have 2-5 doctors appointments every week with various specialists.

all the while me and two of my doctors are talking about if i need to make a career change that's going to best support my poor health and improve my overall well being. and my family and friends struggle to understand, because i have a doctorate and a good job and live on my own. everyone looks at my life in awe, and they don't understand why i'm unhappy. they tell me so every time i try to explain it.

so when i played i immediately identified with curly. here is a man who's deeply depressed, having hallucinations, trying to reach out to his best friend for support but just has his words thrown back in his face, doesn't want to burden anya with his stuff because she has her own stuff and he wants her to lean on him, he has all these responsibilities and people look up to him and rely on him and have these ideas about him. the highest wrung of their ladder is the lowest of his, and they have no way of conceptualizing why or how he's unhappy and dissatisfied. before the reveal that he's innocent, i completely understood why he attempted suicide.

and then he develops a new disability.

when jimmy goes to crash the ship, he uses curly's unhappiness to try to convince him a murder-suicide is a good idea, and it works. it buys jimmy enough time to get to the cockpit and crash the ship. curly's too in his own head to realize what jimmy meant because jimmy distracted him with how bad his life is. it isn't until the sirens start that curly snaps out of it and it clicks for him what jimmy's done.

i'm not going to re-litigate the issue about if curly could have done more for anya because i've said pretty much all i have to say on it already.

but we really need to highlight that in addition to his lack of tangible choices, he's sleep deprived, deeply depressed, and hallucinating. this is not a man in his right mind making his best choices.

and over and over again i see people refusing to extend him any empathy, to call him a bystander. does a man who says he'll do anything to help and who wanted to be there when anya broke the news and who does his best to play liaison between anya and jimmy sound like a bystander? he let anya keep the gun case! he knew having it would help her feel better!

how good of a friend have you been when you were in your pit of despair? how much were you able to pour into others when your glass was empty?

anya wanted her and curly's support to be reciprocal. if she has enough psych training to do the evals, and having been thru nursing school, she's probably well aware that she and curly need to both be pouring into each other if either of them are going to be any good to anyone. but curly is so determined to defend and protect anya he won't confide in her, despite the fact it's running him so thin that he almost takes jimmy's bait that suicide is a good idea.

i don't think we need to absolve curly of his responsibility. i don't think we should over look his role as an enabler. i don't think we should discredit or discount analyses of his failures. but i'm so tired of people actively avoiding getting in his shoes, getting in his head, reflecting on how they've acted in the past when thinking and feeling similar ways. our worst moments don't make us monsters.

it makes me so sad. and frankly it makes me feel like all the times my family hasn't understood when i've tried to reach out. curly is screaming in agony and just like jimmy we're just trying to keep him quiet because it's too complicated to deal with.

[goldbug127]

Apologies in advance for a long post!

Okay, so I'm watching Transformers Prime for the first time and I just finished the amnesia episodes.

Naturally, I have thoughts. My main one being:

This version of Orion Pax is as feral and all over the place as TF One Orion Pax!!!

HE'S JUST QUIETER ABOUT IT!

Ok first of all, obviously we don't see a lot of this Orion and 75% of the time he's just tryna figure out where he is and what's happening but I believe there's enough there to comment on.

Onto the first scene I want to talk about!

Orion Pax has just been told that his entire home planet has been destroyed, by someone he knew no less. His reaction is one we would all expect from a soldier. Clenching his fist, promising to stop Ratchet, "this I vow with all my spark", etc. etc. BUT we forget, this guy thinks he is an archivist. As far as he's aware, this guy has never fought anyone before plus, we know from later that he doesn't even know he has weapons. And sure he may not explicitly say he plans to fight anyone but, as I said, he's an archivist, his little speech was someone with a big vocabulary's version of "it's on sight if I meet this guy!"

The next scene I would like to talk about is when Arcee manages to get aboard the decepticon ship. Orion is peacefully working on his computer when he starts hearing blaster fire outside the room! What we would most likely expect a calm, sensible archivist to do is, I don't know, ask what's going on? call for help? alert some security? hide? any other number of things that wouldn't put him in immediate and potentially life threatening danger? yes, that would be logical wouldn't it? but Orion? he decides the next obvious step is to walk out into the hallway into what he must assume is an active shooting situation. Then, after being told by a guard to return to his room to be safe, he thinks about it for a moment and then continues to go out of his way to look for the source of the commotion! While knowingly disobeying what he's been told are Megatron's direct orders! He's crazy!!

I also want to talk about how Orion reacts once he starts to become suspicious of Megatron. In the scene right after being confronted by Starscream and the scene later on when Megatron asks him about his progress, Orion Pax, now very sure that the decepticon could be dangerous, decides to lie directly to his face. I would also like to point out that, after one of these scenes, Megatron says that he has never been good at lying. Orion Pax has NEVER been good at lying, meaning that Megatron has seen Orion try to lie before. I don't even know why an archivist would need to lie but apparently he finds way to get in trouble enough that he does so frequently.

Adding on to this point - after Orion finds out he has guns (and realises he can absolutely obliterate others with a few shots (something our sweet historian should have probably been more concerned about)), this GUY decides to MARCH through the ground bridge!! find MEGATRON!!!! (aka the former gladiator and current head decepticon) AND THREATEN HIM!!?!!!?! Threaten him, no less, WITHOUT USING THE GUNS HE JUST DISCOVERED HE HAD! Orion decides to fight the LITERAL TANK using glorified knives. Naturally, Megatron wipes the floor with him in less than three seconds but the fact that he even tried is insane!!

Anyway, I'll probably think of more when I've had more time to think but that's all for now.

Orion is a mad lad in every iteration.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk,

you're welcome,

I need sleep.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

heyy I have a question but I'm kinda embarrassed about it so idk?

how much of a high libido is normal for a teenager? around 15 years? because like I've been taught that puberty makes you horny, but all everyone was always talking and making jokes about was cus males going through that, and I'm not a cis dude

I was just wondering because like it feels wrong sometimes to think about it that much even though it feels good to but like -I also don't really know how to say this- it also feels like I'm using sexual thoughts and fantasies and stuff to distract myself and to repress the stuff going on in my life? like I can feel my brain switch from "I'm gonna have a breakdown" to "how about horny?" in a couple of seconds and idk if that's normal? or healthy for that matter lol

idk what to say have a nice day and any advice is appreciated<3

(do you do named anons? if so, can I be fox anon?)

hi fox anon,

I'm actually going to direct you to an ask from a shrimp anon, where we had a little chat about hypersexuality and how to know if your sex drive is too high. (spoiler alert: if you're not actively ruining your own life in the pursuit of sex, it's probably not!)

there are definitely the most stereotypes about cis teenage boys being horny, but it's very normal for people with any gender identity, genitalia, and hormones to be extremely interested in sex during their teen years. (and of course, it's also normal not to be interested at all!) this is the part of your life where everybody's bodies are reaching sexual maturity, and it's extremely EXTREMELY normal to have a burning curiosity to go along with that.

it's also very normal to have a lot of Large emotions and feel like they can switch on a dime; that's the power of Hormones, babey! you're experiencing a lot of internal hormonal situations and external social stresses for the first time, and your brain is learning how to process all that.

I have a friend who's only a few months old, so when he gets overwhelmed he doesn't know how to handle that and usually just cries about it because he's brand new and doesn't have any other coping mechanisms. of course, you have a lot more experience than a guy who's brand new and you know way more coping mechanisms than he does, but you're in a somewhat similar position of having to handle a LOT of new shit and not knowing how to cope with it yet. sometimes what's going to happen is just pivoting hard from one big feeling to another - in some cases, from the pits of despair straight to horny jail.

is it possible to become overly reliant on sexual stimulation as a form of self-soothing? sure, of course. it's possible to become overly reliant on anything; absolutely any positive behavior can become detrimental if it's performed to extremity. again, read that ask I linked!

but pivoting from a breakdown to jacking off isn't a bad idea. it can help you calm down, can be a great transition into a nap or sleep, and pops off a little burst of dopamine and oxytocin that's probably very badly needed if you're on the verge of a breakdown. of course it's ideal to have other healthy outlets for when you're feeling bad - making art or doing something else with your hands, doing some enjoyable physical activity, talking with friends or family, keeping a journal - but as one part of a larger diet of support and coping mechanism, horny behavior is great, normal, and very healthy.

[goodluckclove]

Stop Calling Yourself an Aspiring Author: A Proposition

So this post is dedicated to @dreambigdreamz, who asked me a question about when you can stop calling yourself an aspiring author. I had to wait until I could go to sleep to properly answer, because this is going to be a long one, probably. I'm actually doing this before I get to work for the day, because if I could get one goddamned person to stop labeling themselves like this I will feel success for at least three days.

It's a question for new writers - the difference between a writer and an author. If you Google the difference it appears there are two camps:

Writer and author are synonyms

You are only an author if you publish your work/write as a career

This is odd to me already. It's odd and it's immediately gatekeep-y, and it's so fucking surreal that ours is the only artistic field that has this strange distinction. For most other outlets there's still a separation between hobbyist and professional, but that's considered optional as far as I've seen.

Someone who paints or does digital art isn't likely to call themselves a hobbyist artist, even if they aren't doing it as their main source of income. They're just an artist.

If someone practices the piano but isn't actively in a performing band or symphony, they probably don't call themselves an aspiring pianist. They're already doing it. They're a pianist.

I briefly considered cook versus chef, but in that context cook doesn't necessarily mean amateur. There are line cooks and prep cooks and fry cooks and sauté cooks who work professionally. I have the qualifications of a prep or line cook, but I'm currently only cooking meals at home. So does that mean I'm an aspiring cook? That's weird. That doesn't sound right.

So by this point it should be clear that I find it deeply reductive to say that you can only call yourself an author if you've professionally published a work of writing. Maybe that was the case, like, a hundred years ago? Even then, though, one of the definitions of author is a verb describing the act of writing something. You could author a scientific paper. You could author a poem.

It's 2002. The scope of what it means to publish is infinitely vaster than it was in the days of Virginia Woolf or Ernest Hemingway. You could traditionally publish your novel - that's still an option. But you could also indie-publish. Or self-publish. Or produce your own zines or chapbooks and distribute them online. Or send our newsletters on platforms like Substack. Or serialize through websites like Wattpad, Tapas, Itch.io, Patreon, AO3, or even tumblr.

I never called myself an author, but my reasons have nothing to do with whether or not I've been published. I prefer writer, as it has a more versatile feel that tracks whether I'm working on a novel or a poem or a play. But that's beside the point.

Personally, I'm in the first camp. Writer and author are essentially synonymous, only in my eyes an author is someone who writes fiction or nonfiction prose. That's it. Have you done that? Cool. Good job no longer being "aspiring".

If you have the words aspiring author in your life somewhere, there's a good chance you're actively gatekeeping yourself from feeling good enough to do your own thing. Why not replace it with something like the following?

future bestseller

soon-to-be published

new author/writer

growing author/writer

developing author/writer

practicing author/writer

author/writer in training

just author/writer

If someone does the whole "you're a writer? what have you published?" welcome to the conversation that all writers have to tolerate at some point. People are dumb. People typically don't know our industry and how it functions, and that's fine. Just smile and nod and shrug your way out of the conversation.

Yes, there's infighting within writers who should very much be spending less time arguing who gets to wear the nametag and who doesn't. Those people are lame dipshits who should shut the fuck up and get back to writing. If you have a passion for writing, be it fanfic or scripts or short stories or novels, you are my peer and colleague. I might not like the structure or content of your writing - which is fine, by the way - but I would never even say that you aren't a writer holy shit.

I don't care if you use every genre and trope that I find trite and excessive. If you genuinely care about the stories you tell and you still present yourself as an aspiring author, you have a duty to take yourself more seriously than that.

You are a writer. You are an author. This should not be a question.

We need to move past this and start asking ourselves the real questions that come after you answer "Am I an author". Am I a safe author? Am I an advocate and an ally? Am I a supportive member of the community? Am I still learning? Am I a capable author? Am I adaptable? Am I resourceful? Am I determined?

I'm running out of steam here. I need the writers here, especially the younger writers, to move past this stage of their creative careers as quickly as fucking possible. I was there too. I get it. And I'm telling you it's time to soak the label of aspiring so as to loosen the adhesive, gently peel it off, and throw it in the trash forever. Don't even keep it for sentimental reasons to look back on later.

Toss it. Burn it. Eat it. It is not helping you.

Okay that's all. You should close this now and write three hundred words of whatever the fuck you want. I love you.

[askthefamous8]

Even if I haven't been very active lately, 9 years is still pretty significant- happy birthday to the blog!

So like Percy up there I'm gonna do so dome reflecting. This blog's where I've often done that for some reason, but here's the tl'dr for blog related stuff.

• I would like to keep drawing stuff but feeling generally unsure in myself, and I'm wondering if all the years of fandom harrassment have caught up with me • I have one big project in mind, I've been dipping my toe into what I'd need to do it. No spoilers but it was one of the first things I played around with this series, so do with that what you will • If I can keep myself drawing, I want to use more of the original source material since I'm struggling with original ideas. So stuff like redraws, hOpEfULlY even animatics, just like what originally got me so into trains yknow? Because that's fun and sparks joy. And that always goes down a treat with you guys so bonus • As always I appreciate you guys not coming after me for being so inconsistent

The rest of this is me doing what Percy's doing in the drawing and reflecting, as there is indeed much 2 think about. It's also a little sad and venty so, there's your warning there.

.

Ok so obviously a busy year, we moved into our new house that we actually own, I spent most of the year planning our wedding, and then got married. Big stuff. Also! I came off antidepressants in the summer. I've been on them for...basically as long as this blog, 6 months after I started it I think. Which also means I'd been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Feels like a big deal and I guess I'm still adjusting.

Another big thing, but sad, is that my dog died about two weeks ago. If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen her but she did make an appearance here a few Halloweens ago

I got her when she was 13 and had her 8 years after that. So that's been difficult. Unrelated to that (probably), but I just feel...really mediocre. And before you point out the obvious, this has been present even before I came off antidepressants. But yeah just... mediocrity. In myself as a person, how I look, what I draw, my whole life really (barring my marriage thankfully). What have I achieved? I'm 26, I'm not working, I don't feel well, my art isn't good (I don't think so anyway- like yeah it's technically fine I guess but it's not, and has never been, very stand-out or impressive). And lately art doesn't bring me the same joy it once did, and I'm wondering if all the years of harrassment from this fandom (mostly the twitter side, tumblr's been pretty good to me) has finally caught up with me and put me off the whole thing. Or worse, that I just don't have as much of an interest in it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be like "ok yep I'm officially done with this blog" because I'm so stubborn but idk. I want to make things and be creative, I want to make more train art, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know what's wrong. What do you listen to? What you want vs what you feel? I still enjoy train stuff, I love going to Awdry Ex every year. It's been like this for awhile. It's not even like I have a strong feeling of what I'd rather be doing as far as careers go. And even if I did, oh yeah I'm sure my two degrees in animation will be very relevant in another field (sarcasm). I feel adrift. My sails are open but there is just no wind. Planning my wedding gave me something to do and work on and just, feel useful but now that that's over I feel lost again. Losing my dog, who had become the center of my life because of how vulnerable she had become, hasn't helped.

On the more creative side of things, I also don't really know what to do with this blog's story either. The show's ended as far as most people are concerned, and I kiiinda wrote myself into a corner because once Thomas turns 18 he's going to leave for university, and that sets off this whole arc with James but basically the problem is it involves characters leaving and for some reason that feels like a no-no here. Don't get me started on the timeline lol. But Thomas works on a railway on Sodor, that's how it has to be...right? I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads of, ok do I want this to be close to the source material, and thus easily digestible to newcombers? Or do I want to make it more and more my thing and distanced from the source material? I doubt there's many new people coming since the series ended. And even then, there's a lot more humanization artists around now than when I started, so it's not like I'm filling a niche anymore. Just to be clear it's fine and also good that there's more humanization artists, variety is good, I just don't feel as "needed" anymore (which is 100% in my head and not an actual role that belongs to me or something). I started this blog when I was 17, so my interests and what I relate to have changed obviously. The character designs certainly have. It's never followed a super rigid story plan, but the core of it has always been the central cast doing things on Sodor. I however have always had a scene/project/animatic/whatEver in mind for when this 'series' would '''officially''' ''''end''''. But then what comes after that? I've always tried to run this blog like they are Real People that You interact with. But in real life there is no ending to the story, there's always more stuff to come. You get married, and it's wonderful, and then life goes on. The credits never roll. So maybe that's what I'm having trouble coping with...the progression of time. Ah, my old nemesis. I've always had trouble with letting go of things. There's nothing to say that I couldn't still draw stuff after the series "ends". I guess any story after Thomas leaves could be like... a sequel series or a spin off or something. Spin-off of a spin-off. Famous 8 All Grown Up. Famous 8 Qurter Life Crisis. Who knows. I certainly don't.

I've also been really into an original project unrelated to this but those don't get as much attention and while I'd like to do something with it one day, I don't feel very confident in being able to make that happen right now. But you know... as far my as art not being super spectacular goes... I think my individual talent has always been is my ideas, like the writing side of things. And then brought to life with my art, which normally isn't anything to write home about but is good enough to convey the idea and be not-awful to look at, lifts both of them beyond what they were individually. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

So....idk. Idk what I'm doing but I'm trying to be gentle on myself and just let myself continue to drift, to heal from this heavy loss, and then in the New Year I'll try and pick myself up. Then there will be no more big once-in-a-lifetime events coming up, no more just-moved-into-a-house-and-oh-no-there's-a-bunch-of-things-that-need-attention-NOW scenarios, and no more big holidays for awhile. I guess we'll see.

If you read all of this I am so sorry but also thank you for reading my ramblings. And thank you for being around, whether that's been for a few months or for several years, but especially if it's been several years

[aq2003]

really love how throughout a lot of smith and jones martha is really skeptical and apprehensive towards ten (+ one of my favorite exchanges between them - "what, people call you 'the doctor'?" "yeah?" "well, i'm not. far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title."), not taking everything he says at face value, even doubting the fact he's an alien until over halfway through the episode.. And like. i really truly think the thing that wins her over isn't him kissing her or any of the other insane mixed messages he manages to send, it's this scene here, where he /earns that title/ in her eyes:

(+ david's bit in the commentary, where he says: "[the doctor] has actually sacrificed himself, and - i would say, that that final act of selflessness is what finally, eventually, welds martha to him. [...] and she now returns it. she returns that act of selflessness.")

this is what their relationship is built on. it isn't about martha being the second-best replacement to rose or a rebound or whatever. bc it isn't really about rose. it's about doctor-in-training martha meeting someone (quite literally, "the doctor") whose ideals she aspires to, and doing her best to be the same person to him as he is to everyone else. it's about ten in return admiring her intelligence and inquisitiveness and how she cares for human life, recovering his compassion, letting himself lean on her for support - and then remembering at the most inopportune moments that he's supposed to not need anyone and be on his own forever. And around in their little nightmare loop they go where they save each other over and over until one of them breaks

i've seen ppl look at martha and go "why she does she admire/why is she so in love with ten if he acts like that to her?" or something along those lines and like. it's not just the fact she's in love with him (in fact i'd argue she actively tries to push it aside post-gridlock). it's the fact that she knows he's the kind of person to put everyone else's lives/well-being over his own. she trusts him to save her when she's in trouble even though it's been like two days at most that they've known one another bc she recognizes that same "deep all-encompassing drive to help others" in him. and she also recognizes, much much earlier than him, that he needs someone to save him, especially when he's unwilling to save himself. and yeah for a bit she thinks he returns her feelings and is just playing hard-to-get, but she realizes pretty early on that this probably isn't the case, and i think that realization fully solidifies here:

(this is when she's listening to ten talk abt gallifrey). And idk it might just be me but i think this expression isn't just her empathizing with his loss. it's also guilt, for wanting something from him that he's clearly unable to give when he's wracked with so much grief. (and you see it in the next episode, where tallulah asks if they're together and martha says for certain that they're not, and that he doesn't know about her feelings for him. she keeps everything to herself bc she now knows that when he shut her flirting down at the end of 3x01 it was the genuine reaction of someone who a) isn't interested and b) is scared of getting close with someone else again)

freema described their dynamic as "she's keener than him" and i think about this all the time. martha doesn't really take what ten throws at her. what she does instead is constantly poke holes in his already-failing front of "i will show someone the wonders of the universe so i can ignore what is wrong with me". what she does is stand up and fight him when he tries to go off on his own. what she does is put aside her well-being in favor of helping someone - just like what she saw him do for the people in the hospital when they first met. tldr, that's the doctor and his doctor and rip martha you would've loved who's gonna save u now by rina sawayama

[galedekarios]

Hey there! You're one of the best Gale-ish devnotes\datamines sources that I know of, so I might as well ask. I remember that at some point Gale mentions taking part in Blackstaff Academy balls (or something like that). Is it mentioned elswhere, and do we have any details on his involvement in such activities? Need that for science\personal lore, and I'd appreciate any info (including EA), if you have time. Thanks!

thank you for your message and i'm sorry for the belated response!

i took my time to comb through everything and sadly, the banter with wyll is the only instance i could find of gale mentioning a ball at blackstaff academy:

gale & the annual blackstaff's ball

gale: i knew you were a graceful man, wyll, but i hear you're quite the dancer too. gale: i've been known to trip the light fantastic myself. mine was a popular hand at the annual blackstaff's ball. wyll: i'd have love to have witnessed it, gale. i wager you are as elegant on the dance floor as you are on the battlefield.

the only other banters i could find that are only loosely related. some give us glimpses into his life at the academy, others into his life in waterdeep.

here's another story about gale & being a young student at blackstaff academy, which triggers in the wizard tower in the underdark:

gale & the death slaad

gale: ah. quite. a misadventure from my days as an apprentice at blackstaff academy. gale: i was but a child, only a few months into my studies, but already i knew i was destined for greatness. no one believed me, of course, so i decided to prove it. to cast a spell with the blackstaff itself. gale: from one perspective, i succeeded. i opened a portal. however, instead of pointing it at the first year dormitory, i found myself pulled into limbo, facing a very irritated death slaad. gale: fortunately, the blackstaff himself came to the rescue, hauling me back from the brink, and straight into several months of writing lines. or rather, finessing my autograph. gale: now, much as i enjoy reminiscing about such tomfoolery, i believe we've more pressing matters at hand. is there anything else?

this dialogue path from the epilogue has him speaking a bit more about those days as well:

gale & his days as a wayward apprentice

gale: teaching at blackstaff academy has proven such an unexpected pleasure. sometimes i find it hard to tear myself away. gale: just one of the myriad unexpected ways life has delighted me in recent months. gale: even my own city feels new to me, now that i share it with you. player: probably because i make you put down your quill once in a while and enjoy it. gale: that you do. i've not had so much fun in waterdeep since my own days as a wayward blackstaff apprentice. gale: you've certainly made quite the impression on my friends down at the yawning portal. the last i heard, they were thinking of naming a drink after you.

while he seems to have enjoyed a much richer social life in waterdeep before his time of isolation, it's mentioned in another epilogue banter (devnotes) that he didn't seek out any of the more dangerous parts of the city.

there are also other banters about gale's life in waterdeep before the game:

gale & the temple of beauty in waterdeep

gale: i must tell you, shadowheart, the bathing waters here leave much to be desired. gale: the ablutions offered at the temple of beauty in waterdeep are far superior. and they have the most excellent soaps. shadowheart: hmm. i was wondering why you always smelled like a wealthy dowager.

gale & spending time in the hospice of st. laupsenn

wyll: this was a hospital? feels more like a prison. gale: a common enough interpretation. sickness has a nasty habit of making you feel trapped, if only within the confines of your body. gale: i once spent weeks convalescing in the hospice of st. laupsenn after a nasty bout of ruddy pox. for all their kindness, leaving that place behind felt like freedom to me. wyll: i’ve always relied on the kindness of the healers and menders of the coast. better a cleric’s healing touch than a chirurgeon’s scalpel.

gale & florist

lae'zel: these flowers are quite vivid - not to mention, pungent. not to my liking. gale: are there no flowers in tu'narath? lae'zel: in the city of death, the mlar cultivate the fruiting bodies that sprout from the corpses of the slain. gale: i'd rather get them from my florist in waterdeep, if it's all the same to you.

i'm also including this banter between wyll and gale here because it speaks (even if somewhat joking) about his upbringing as a whole by morena:

wyll: i admire your courage, gale. gale: thank you. any particular reason? wyll: between the orb and the bug, you've got more than your fair share of unwelcome passengers. gale: what can i say? mother always taught me to be a gracious host.

we also know that he has had multiple tutors:

lae'zel: you strike me cleverer than most istiki, gale. multiple tutors, i should guess. gale: many a wise man and woman indeed. waterdeep is the home of myriad scholars. wyll: ah, the city of splendours. spent a whole fleetswake there with my father. what a delight.

hiring tutors appears to be relatively common in waterdeep:

so while this sadly wasn't what you were looking for, i hope this is helpful to some degree! 🖤

[radkindoffeminist]

I am 13 years old. I have boobs bigger than any other girl in my year and I stopped growing in height a year ago. People tell me I could pass for 16-18 easily. Girls ask what size I am. Boys mock me for having tits. Men hit on me. Most people think I am a lot older than I actually am. I am confused by everything.

I am 14 years old. I begin turning to online chatrooms and camsex for attention because I am so lonely and horny. I don't speak about them to anyone in my life because it's never spoken about. Women and girls don't have sexual desires. I start speaking to a guy, Glenn. He's 28-years-old and knows how old I am. I speak to him for years and he's the first guy I camsex with. He speaks to me like a person and not a child and I love him for that. One day, he doesn't respond and I never hear from him again, but spend weeks hoping that I will see another message from him (he had a habit of disappearing for weeks only to come back). He doesn't message again. My heart is broken.

I am 15 years old, just about. I continue using these online chatrooms because I am such a lonely teenager and need some sort of attention and this is the only place I can find it. I meet a guy, David, who I ask to be my boyfriend. He was 21 years old. We speak every day for a month and have camsex all the time. He is sweet and mature and has his own car! Our plans to meet fall through and then he suddenly stops talking to me one day. Two months after that day, he messaged me again. His grandmother died so he couldn't deal with life. I feel empathic towards him but feel forced to take him back. When I realise that he won't take responsibility for the fact that cutting me off for months hurt me because he says that he was hurt, I break up with him. He insists on staying friends. I agree because I still feel bad for him.

I am 16 years old. I start college and I'm still speaking to my ex David, but then I see how possessive he is of me. He wants to meet up with me but will only do so on his terms, when he can kiss me all he wants because he still sees me as his. I try and speak to him about the guys at my college and he gets jealous. I stop speaking to him. I begin to realise just how toxic him and these chatrooms and camsex all is. I make a vow to stop it for my mental health, but it is hard to stop something when what draws you there is the fact that you're incredibly lonely.

I am 17 years old. It has been three years since I first opened a chatroom and had camsex and I actively try to stop. I have spoken to dozens, if not hundreds, of men by this point and they are all the same: they want to use me and will put on a little play to ensure they can get me. Some are just nice and upfront with me, using me and then never speaking to me again. Some put on a show, pretending that they like/love me so I become wrapped around their finger. Some are kind and caring, but then threaten me when they realise that they won't get what they want. Too many of them are angry when they hear the word no and if they aren't straight up agressive towards me, then they're making me feel guilty for having boundaries or trying to convince me to break them because they're different from the rest. I've met dozens of men who've claimed that they're different from the rest but they never are. They're all the same. After so many times of promising myself to stop, what really gets me to stop was someone threatening to share naked photos of me he'd taken while we were on a video call on my Facebook. I block him. I realise just how manipulated I'd been over the years and come to accept the fact that most, if not all, of these men had taken photos without my permission and some probably still have them saved somewhere.

I am 18 years old. I have managed to mostly stay away from the chatrooms and camsex, but I ended up speaking to one more guy. He seems so lovely and kind and caring. He is 26-years-old. We live far apart but he promises that he'll come and visit me sometime, even though he dodges the question every time I ask and never seems to be around or available when I'm available. We talked on and off for months. One day I tell him that I've decided to completely give up on camsex. It is too toxic and traumatic for me. I never want to do it again. He stops talking to me. I slowly realised how he was just nice to me because he wanted camsex and nudes. He never loved me but I loved him.

I am 19 years old. I start dating my ex-boyfriend. He is a genuinely wonderful and kind person. He does not disrespect my boundaries regarding camsex and nudes. He used to do a similar thing and understands how toxic and horrible these spaces can be. He's a good person, other than the fact that he mocks my interest in feminism and occasionally breaks some boundaries. We stay together for a year before we end up drifting apart.

I am 20 years old. I have severe depression. For the first time in my life, while I am incredibly drunk, I talk about my ex David and all the camsex stuff. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders knowing that other people agree that I was groomed. I had convinced myself for years that I was not groomed because I asked him out so everything that happened to me was my own fault. But I realise that while I was a stupid teenager, it still wasn't right for men to take advantage of me. I learn to accept that camsex and nudes will always be a point of trauma for me and something that I can never do again. I am so proud of myself for not doing it for two years.

I am 21 years old. I am the same age my ex David was when I dated him. I look at the freshers at my university and I couldn't imagine dating someone who is just out of college (high school). I had realised some years earlier that my relationship was toxic and pedophilic but it took me getting to the same age he was to realise just how horrible it was. I wish I could warn so many other women but I know I have to live with it because I was that teenage girl who dated that older man so I know that every single one thinks that they're the exception to the rule. They think that there's no way they're getting groomed by and older man because they really are that mature. I wish I could tell them but they'll just run into their groomer's arms even more.

I am 22 years old. I am off anti-depressants and glad that my sex drive is back. I decide that now, post COVID, would be the perfect time to have some fun. I sleep around, but the sex is so unsatifying for me most of the time. The women are good but the men spent five minutes inside of me and are then done. Half of them don't do anything to make me cum and never ask if I have. One of them complains that I take ages to cum after spending two minutes rubbing me off (badly). After feeling guilty for cancelling something last minute, I end up hooking up with someone who I shouldn't have. I cannot remember the last time I felt so repulsed by someone's touch. I stop hooking up with people. For the first time in years, I broke my no nudes, no camsex rule. I feel awful about myself.

I am 23 years old. I realise that my hooking-up with people phase was just a copy of my camsex stage. I realise that the men I hooked up with used the exact same tactics as the men I had camsex with: seemed like nice people so they could use me; got angry at me when I said no to them because they felt entitled to whatever they wanted for being nice to me; and thought that they could drop me for weeks at a time because I will always come running back to them. Sometimes I feel so assured in myself because I have spent years learning about all the maipulation tactics that they all use and because I can say no to them when they try to guilt me; sometimes I feel like that same 14 year old girl who ignored every red flag that she ever saw because she was so deperate for love and attention from anyone.

I am 24 years old. I am 2 years younger than my ex Sam was when I dated him and 4 years younger than Glenn was when I started talking to him. I look at the 18-20 year olds in our office and they are basically children to me. If I feel this way now, how much creepier will it feel when I actually hit 26 or 28? I tell people I have no interest in men and for the first time in my life I truly mean it. I stopped dating them years ago but all interest in them is gone now. Sometimes people tell me that I just haven't met the right man yet. I shrug it off but I want to scream at them. I have met dozens of men who have told me that they're different to the rest but they are all the same in the end. The right man doesn't exist.

[falmerbrook]

Snow Elf culture?

*pulls up a chair*

Perhaps...

A wee disclaimer that I'm not particularly good or creative with developing cultures or societies, but my brain has just latched on to the snow elves in a way where I can't stop myself. But anyway

I developed a lot of this because of a big ass draft for a fic I've been writing on and off about Gelebor and Vyrthur, so a lot of my headcanons are religion heavy. I'll start there:

Gelebor seems to place Auri-El and the Chantry of Auri-El as having significant importance to the Snow Elves over the other gods/temples. He's probably got a bit of bias in that regard since he's devoted his life to Auri-El, but in order to differentiate their religion from the other elven ones I like to think that their religion in general worshipped Auri-El as not even just as the figure head of their pantheon, but almost monotheistical, while the other gods (Trinimac, Syrabane, Jephre and Phynaster according to Gelebor) were like minor divine figures or just legendary heroes even more than in Altmer myth, depending on the interpretation. My idea is that if their culture had been allowed to continue on, it would've eventually become monotheistic, but by the arrival of the Nords they were in a bit of an awkward transition period with it.

I also like to lean into the sun motif with Auri-El that they established in Dawnguard and with Auriel's Bow, partially because it's another thing to make their depiction of him more unique, and in part because it makes some very juicy irony for Vyrthur. Some ideas include:

- The more religious folk tend to pray at noon when the sun is at it's highest. - The two biggest snow elf festivals happen on the summer and winter solstices. As far north as they are, the summer solstice is during a time of year where the sun barely sets and the winter one is during a time of year where it barely rises. The summer one is more jovial and celebratory, with a grand feast. With almost 24 hours of daylight, the festivities last up to three days straight, with folks commonly staying awake for over 24 hours. Most of it is spent outside, with the celebration being focused on making the most of the weather and daylight hours to spend as much time in the sun and the light of Auri-El as possible. The winter festival is as large scale but lasts longer and is lower-key. It also involves a feast but features more winter foods and meat and alcohol. It is more pensive. At this point in the year, there is no full daylight, and so this season is seen as a test of one’s faith and mental fortitude. This festival acts as a break from this trying time, taking time to relax, build community (a strong community will allow them to make it through the winter and strengthen their minds), and bond with family and friends. It is about a weeklong break, where leading up to the festival everyone works harder to prepare for it and allow themselves to have the break. There are activities and festivities, but they remain indoors for the most part and are smaller. - I've referenced this before, but with long winters with little sunlight (due to harsh weather and short days), they see that time of year as a reflective test of will and faith.

Due to their proximity to dragons, it was hard to miss the connection between Auri-El (/Akatosh) and dragons, and so their depiction of Auri-El is either much more influenced by the iconography of dragons, or is a dragon (although their depiction of dragon Auri-El is much more benevolent than the Nord/Atmoran one). I got the idea for this one from this Reddit post (i know I dog on Reddit a lot but this one has got some fun stuff in it, even if it's a bit out there)

^On that note, later in the timeline (post Dragon War (the timeline is very fuzzy on when this and the Night of Tear happens. They are both sometime vaguely in the late Merethic Era I believe, but it's unclear which happens first or how long each conflict is)) some Snow Elves see a sort of unreturned, unofficial comradery with dragons, seeing themselves as both on the receiving end of the Nord's/Atmoran's brutality (disregarding whether it was warranted or not in the context of the Dragon War).

Ok here's some more general cultural ones:

I mentioned my reasoning for this in this post, but I like to think their general settlements were not as permanent, with a larger focus on wood and building into the sides of hills (good for warmth), while their temples tended to be made of stone and much more permanent. This is why there are so few identifiable Snow Elf ruins across Skyrim. Their cities and towns were easy to wipe out, scavenged for resources, or were in good places for Nordic cities (perhaps Bromjunaar was originally the site of a Snow Elf city?), and their temples were either very hidden (e.g. the Chantry of Auri-El) or eventually converted to Nordic temples.

I love this journal in general for gleaning ideas for Snow Elf headcanons for, but one interesting this is the use of "Old Ones" and "Young One". They're treated like established titles. From that I like to think they place a lot of emphasis on the respect of those older than you. The social hierarchy and whose opinions are most valued is heavily influenced by age. Folks call anyone older or more revered “Old Ones” as a term of respect, and anyone younger than them “Young Ones”. Old One is almost never used in a demeaning way, but Young One can be (not always). Typically, “Old Ones” is used in the third person (e.g. you wouldn’t refer to someone directly as “old one”) whole “Young One(s)” can be used as an epithet for someone directly or in third person.

When thinking about death/"burial" customs (needed for some scenes in the fic I'm planning), you have to consider that there probably wasn't a lot of land in a place like Skyrim where someone can be buried. Nords intern their dead in crypts or burn them to get around this, and I like to think Snow Elves participated in something akin to sky burials (at least sometimes). After preparation, the departed's body is left outside on a ledge, cliff, or the temple balcony to be scavenged by birds. This is seen as a metaphorical return to Aetherius, while their soul literally returns to it. They do this even in poor weather or deep winter. If it doesn’t thaw and rot/be scavenged until months later, so be it. The length it takes to rot is considered indicative of how long it takes for the spirit to let go and move on (not in a bad way though. It’s interpreted more in the way of the soul or body grieving). It's seen as if they may wish to wait until spring to finally rot if they want to experience one more warm, sunny day.

Food (I mostly wrote this in my notes in the context of the Forgotten Vale and Chantry of Auri-El, but I think it could work elsewhere as well to an extent): Plant-based food is grown in gardens in the spring and summer, and that that is able to be stored is carefully preserved through the fall and winter. Winter foods include some nuts, dried vegetables, and dried and preserved/fermented grains (like wheat, barely). These foods must be eaten slowly throughout the winter to last, and winter diets are more meat based. Summer foods include apples, cabbage/lettuce, leeks, tomatoes etc. Snowberries can be found in the wild out of season of most other fruits, and provide fruit in very early spring. Occasionally, fungus from caves is harvested, but this is seen as a delicacy (foreshadowing).

Ok, that's it for now. I gotta go to bed. Thanks for the ask!!!! :D

[808airsoftbros]

Hospital Love (Karina)

Author: Another classic oneshot from my old oneshot book. Hope you all like it! Also, be sure to check out my Masterlist for more fics :)

Y/N's POV

Hey, so you probably are wondering who the hell I am… my name is Kim Y/N and I am a patient here at Korean Mental Institution and I've been here for quite a while. For what? You are probably asking. I was subjected to parental abuse and basically suffered for my entire life leading me to become insane and because of that the authorities sent me here.

So far the the doctors here are completely useless as f*ck, they treat me terribly and force me to do impossible activities and I usually get in alot of trouble because I was so uncooperative. That's what bring me to the point where I don't trust anybody. Until she came…

Flashback

Just great, another doctor has quitted on me, tsk. How typical. How the hell did they even become doctors in the first place if there so incompetent and ruthless?

Knocking

I hear the door knocking and I see a women who is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my miserable life. She sits down on the rolling chair and rolls toward me.

"What do you want?" I asked coldly to the doctor.

"Why, I'm here to help you, Mr. Kim." She answered in a friendly tone and I just scoff.

"That's what they all say and what happens is that they just abandon me." I responded.

"Well I am not doing that. That's for certain. My name is Doctor Min or you can call me Karina if you like." She introduces herself and she raises her hand.

I didn't move or do anything because I didn't trust her one bit. But she gives me the brightest smile and I don't know why but I just returned the handshake but I did it hesitantly.

"Now look, I don't like the doctors here either. There mean and irresponsible for their patients and I figured since they can't do their job, I could help you." Karina said in a serious tone which I find surprising. Nobody has ever said to me.

"How do I know you'll keep your promise?" I asked her.

"No matter how it hard it may seem, I'll always stick with you until you are cured." Karina responded with sincere in her voice.

"You promise?" I asked nervously and she nods.

End of Flashback

Yep, that's how I met my new doctor Karina who surprisingly happened to be one of the most nicest and kindest person I have ever met in my life.

Knocking

I hear the door open revealing to be Karina and I smiled and she smiled back.

"I see your in a happy mood today, Y/N." Karina comments and I blush and she giggles in response.

"How are you feeling today?" She asked me and I responded that I was fine thanks to her.

"Oh, that's good to hear!" Karina responds and she writes it down in her notes.

After she was done I do her therapy treatment she told me that my health is looking better based on her notes which I am very happy to hear. But the question is…

"What do I do when I get out of here?"

"Where do I go?"

I pretty much have nothing besides her so I am lost. I sigh confused on what happens to me after I get out of this hellhole.

"Is something wrong, Y/N?" Karina asks me in a soft voice and I snapped back into reality.

"Karina, what do I do when I get out of here?" I asked her curiously which leaves her to think about it before responding.

"Do you have any place you can stay?" Karina asks me and I shake my head.

"How about you live with me?" Karina suggests leaving me dumbfounded and not believing a single word she just said.

"W-Wait, what?!" I asked her in response and she giggled.

"Well to be honest, your kinda cute." She responded and pinched my cheek leaving me blushing hard and I can't even respond right now!

"So what do you think~?" Karina asks me and I sigh since I don't really have a choice.

"Okay, I'll live with you." I responded and Karina smiled brightly.

TIMESKIP

After going through final examinations on my health I was finally discharged from that joke of a hospital and Karina helped pack my things after were done we arrive to her car and put all my luggage in the trunk.

"Ready?" Karina asks me and I nod.

I enter the passenger seat and we drive off .

10 Minutes of Driving Later…

Finally we arrive to her house and it was just a single story house, nothing too fancy but it was nice. I unpack my things from the trunk and we entered her house. The living room was cleaned and the house was neat and tidy.

"You like it?" She asks me and I nod.

"Come, follow me." She instructed me and she takes me arm so I follow her to what appears to be the masters bedroom. "What are we doing here?" I asked her curiously and she smirked at me.

"Why this can be our room, IF you be my boyfriend." Karina responded to me and my eyes widen.

"What do you mean?" I asked her nervously.

"Y/N, you've been through enough and I want you to live a normal life with me." She explained to me and I look down thinking about it. She is beautiful and I consider her my angel since she is always there for me when no one was.

"I guess I have no other choice." I thought to myself.

I smile and responded "Okay, I'll be your boyfriend." and she squealed and hugged me tightly.

TIMESKIP

It was nighttime and me and her were cuddling in bed watching Netflix and after a few episodes of K-Drama shows we turned it off and went to bed.

"Hey, babe~." She called me in a seductive tone.

"Yes?" I responded.

"I'm not tired yet~." Karina said to me in a seductive tone which sends shivers down my spine.

"W-What do you want me to do about it?" I asked nervously while looking at her smirking at me.

She didn't say anything to me instead she just pin me to the bed and get on top of me and I shivered in fear.

"You'll see…" She responds to me.

[orange-imagines]

Mud Dogs x Sick Reader

Relationship: Platonic

A/N: *blows dust off my keyboard* Uh hey guys. Fancy seeing you all here! Anyway I'm feeling blehhh and I've been thinking about the mud dogs a lot lately, so here you go have this for free <33 Also if you have mud dogs requests, send em in! Will I get to them? Who could possibly know. But reqs are open all the same

Well, they don't like seeing you miserable, that's for sure.

None of them are really used to dealing with this kind of thing. Sure, they all have experience being around people who've been sick and sometimes even helping with it depending on who the person was, but since taking up a life of crime they've gotten a bit rusty. They're way better at patching up the cuts and bruises you all get from your various missions and heists, but taking care of someone who's just caught a bug or has invisible pain going on? It's not their strong suit. But that doesn't mean they don't still try.

Danny's the best at looking after you by far. While he might make a joke here or there, he's the least likely to get on your nerves, and the most likely to make you a warm beverage and a hot meal unprompted. He looks after Len and Mick enough when they overwork themselves or go too far on a job that he has a good understanding of what you need: time, rest, and peace and quiet (the latter said while he glares at your other two friends). I take back all my generalization, actually- he's not a bad caretaker at all! He'll stop by your room/your spot on the couch and ask how you're doing and if you're feeling up for accompanying them on some task, and he'll sit with you and rub your back and let you complain about how bad you feel if you want to. He keeps as many worries as possible off your plate, and encourages you to rest as much as you can. He doesn't care if you're all actively being hounded by the cops (which you probably are), he just says "that ain't for you to worry about. Go take your meds and lay down". While he may come across as stern, he really just wants you to feel better. He doesn't like seeing anyone he cares about in pain.

Leonard is brash and can be quite loud and irritating when the others are involved, but when left alone with you he's way softer than he is on a daily basis. He won't baby you, but he's way more likely to do what you ask of him without complaint (holding things for you, getting up and getting you stuff, microwaving lunch, changing the channel to something he normally would never watch). If you want to vent about how bad you feel, he's your man. To him, your pain is something he can shit-talk with you about ("That fucking sucks. Why's your body doing this? This guy bothering you? Next time someone sneezes on you, tell me. I'll take care of them"), and he's only a little bit serious. He'll continue on with the bit if it makes you laugh- actually, there's little he won't do to try and lighten your mood, so if the two of you have any embarrassing/silly inside jokes that you want him to recreate or a funny voice you want him to do, this is the time. He'll deny you for a few minutes, but he's super easy to sway when you're sick. I hope Danny and Mick were there to see him do some cheesy shit to make you feel better. The big softie. They'll never let it go.

Mickey's just a pure wild card here, god help you. It's not like he's bad, he's just a bit chaotic because he really wants to fix whatever's going on with you, and gets impatient when he realizes there's nothing either of you can do but ride it out. He's very good about reminding you take any meds or painkillers you need though, and he comes up with a lot of other ways to ease your discomfort. Anything that usually helps you, he's down to do, no joke. He'll be your body pillow or heating pad or wrap his arms around your face if you have a headache. He cares the least about the possibility of you getting him sick and will be in your space and company as much as you want him to, though if you're feeling touch adverse you may have to shoo him away. If he's pestering you, feel free to tell him you're annoyed- he's got thick skin and knows you love him, so he won't take it to heart. He's a good sport.

Mick's also the most likely to procure mystic medicine for you, not realizing the potential negative effects that could have on a human, especially when a few of his medicines definitely came from the black market.

"Yeah I'm sure Y/N would appreciate this crazy plant I got. Funny that it's making my arm all tingly." "C'mon Mick for fuck's sake-"

I won't lie, it's not the most ideal situation you could be in. The guys' lives are chaotic and messy and often lacking in common physical comforts. But they always look out for you when you need it. Them having your back doesn't just apply to high-stakes cons and heists, they're there for you 24/7 (no matter how much beauty sleep they might lose). You're part of their messy little family, and they'll always do their best to take care of you, even if they might be lacking in a few areas.

[lastoneout]

Wheelchair excitement is being more than slightly dampened by concern that either my insurance is going to deny me and I won't be allowed to pay for the chair myself because I have Medicade OR that the physical/occupational therapist and/or wheelchair assessment people will decide I don't actually need one despite my primary, who again is a former EDS specialist and is very certain my quality of life is bad enough I need one, and turn me away.

Like my mom has gotten a wheelchair through Medicaid basically her whole life and she told me that the assessment people aren't allowed to turn you down, they are ONLY there to help you decide what chair will best fit you and take the needed measurements and make adjustments once it's made, the only person who can decide if I truly need one is my doctor and the prescription is the final say, but most of the stuff I've been finding online about the process is saying the assessment people are part of the initial decision about my need for one and their say has just as much weight as the doctor writing the prescription, and I am sadly WELL AWARE of how anti-mobility aid a lot of physical therapists can be so the thought of getting that far and being shut down is concerning me greatly.

I'm also worried my insurance will only approve me for one of those manual transport/hospital drive ones that are too heavy and weirdly built for the passenger to propell themselves meaningfully on their own...I know I can fight it and one of those straight up will not work for me but still. Also I've heard Medicaid will refuse to pay for one if you don't need to use it inside the house, which I won't need mine for that plus my house is way too small for me to even use it in here at all, and I guess I could lie but eugh I am not good at that.

I probably shouldn't worry until I actually get in touch with the assessment people, and tbh when I called them earlier this year to ask what the process was they told me all I need to see them is a prescription from my doctor so I'm really praying everything goes smoothly but like shit typically does NOT go smoothly for me so I know my ass is just gonna be freaking out and over thinking it the entire time.

I just really need this chair. My quality of life is gone, it's so hard for me to even find the will to do the things I need to to regain what mobility I can because I know it will never be enough to allow me to actually do the things I want to do and I don't get to do anything fun in the meantime so I'm just depressed about this constantly, and I truly do not know how much longer I can sit here and watch my entire life go by without me. I want to be able to run errands and spent time with my family and go to museums and parks(masked ofc) and go to school and it is abundantly clear that no amount of knee braces, pain meds, and physical therapy will get me there, so it is truly cruel and unfair to say I should just not do all that because the thing that would let me do it at all is somehow "bad" for me.

I deserve the dignity of risk. I deserve to give informed consent. I deserve to be treated like the fucking adult I am who is more than capable of doing physical therapy and other exercises at home to maintain my muscles and mobility. I can be trusted to know when it's appropriate to use my aids and when it isn't. I am so FUCKING sick of being treated like a literal child by doctors who insist if I get in the chair I will simply give up and never walk again, I'm almost 30, I have self control, I'm not lazy. Every single activity I have given up, be it work or hiking or walks has claw marks in it, I am the opposite of lazy.

I just don't think I can take much more of my life being denied to me by abled people who clearly think all disabled people are lazy idiots who can't be trusted to make their own decisions. I genuinely cannot take it. If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do.

(I think for now to temper the anxiety I'm going to write down all the measures I've tried to fix myself(PT, knee braces, rollator, ect.) and why they haven't been enough to achieve the VERY REASONABLE goals I have for myself. Also all the ways my current medical conditions limit me. That should help me feel more like I can actually convince the right people that we are well past the time that this should have been considered. Fingers crossed anyway.)

[thechthonicherbalist]

A belated Hiatus Post

I have been rather inactive for the past 3 months & received a lot of notifs about it. I won't be able to answer all of them, sorry for that. Here's my attempt to try & lay open a little why I've been gone and what the coming months will bring. I have pondered long how to write this in the least hurtful way, while also expressing my own emotions & experiences.

Those of you, who have followed my journey on pretty much any other page, probably know that I'm chronically ill with autoimmune disease, homebound since over a decade, that I got cardiovascular damage as a side effect & that since 2021/22 my condition severely worsened & often leaves me mostly bedridden for weeks at a time. I shared about the numerous surgeries & medical treatments I had in the past year, how I've slowly lost the ability to digest food before & require parenteral nutrition via an IV port since September '23. As well as how I tested positive for GI cancer in March. I've been waiting for an appointment to remove growths, cauterize multiple ulcers & take tissue samples to test for malignant cells since & been gone for a 6 week long hospital stay with a number of surgeries after September 16th & was taking time to recover from that since.

My mental health has gone really bad in the past year as well, for a number of other reasons but also this. I've experienced the biggest cptsd relapse I've had in the past 20 years in the past 14 months. I went from stable & happy, despite my illness and a low-contact situation with family, after almost 2 decades of therapy & inner child healing to escape and recover from an abusive childhood home; keeping my cortisol low and my nervous system calm to prevent further autoimmune flares & to be able to cope with my fatigue enough to do my work and happily make art and write... ...to the point where since about a year I'm in the middle of a full blown relapse of complex PTSD, severe depression and anxiety that has little to do with my offline life. Despite numerous attempts to resolve or remove myself from the underlying situation in order to preserve my well-being and safety, requesting acute intense psychiatric care during hospital stays more than 8 times, as well as consulting regular therapy sessions in social psychiatric help centres since January and ultimately return to therapy since June, I've only started to experience relief more recently.

🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐

And this is where the good news start!

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In the past 2 months, I have finally been able to take care of myself, my work, household and hobbies & properly rest again, without constant exposure to anxiety inducing situations. And while the time in which I had surgery was still horrendous for a number of situations related to this, I have at least started chemotherapy now, without having to constantly fear that something terrible will happen again when I'm most vulnerable right before, during or right after my treatments or other crisis in my private life. So far the treatment is effective, even though I have all the unpleasant side effects that come with it. Overall my life is much calmer now and I don't live in constant anxiety anymore, which is a huge win for me. Moving forward, I want to return to doing things that are good for me & were originally intended for this blog, now that I can finally rest, heal, take care of my health and actually thrive & be productive at my own pace in peace.

So despite the fact that I won't be super active, here are my plans for the future:

Make more original art and art dedicated to my own passions and projects again and actually post them. I had started a series on learning to do folkloric art as well as a series on intrudcing MBTI personalities, glimpses into their lives, lots of research, writing small articles and doing my own art for this, in 2022.

Return to my passion projects from 2022/2023 (all NSFW): - My 9-pieced fanfiction series "Lestat's Lovers" and Art for it - My 8-pieced fanfic series "Things I didn't tell Thetis" - My 4-pieced series "To love a thing Death can touch" I have wanted to continue writing for a long time. The plot for the first one has been with me for 17 years & is deeply intertwined with my internal universe. I've always hungered to write & share it with the world with the art I used to make for it, but never finished or even started. It was devastating to be unable to do that for so long.

Post about my journey as a native practitioner of Bohémien Romani Culture, Slavo-Celtic Shaman-/Druidism and Kabbalistic Judaism, as well as the taught believes of Hellenism, Christianity and Christian Satanism in the past 20+ years, present and future.

Translate & publish the vast knowledge I've assembled about herbs & other natural substances, their uses in historic and folk medicine, magic, alchemy, spirituality, etc, their historic significance and much more. It's been a big interest since my childhood, I was taken on hikes to collect herbs & materials for homemade remedies and other things and taught how to make them from scratch, since I could be taken out in a baby sling.

Make blog posts about my culture, including its folklore, mythology, rites, magic etc. and post them here. (I borrowed books about this from the library, so I can give reading recommendations and cite interesting sources! :D)

Create a side blog about my music recommendations, as I'm very passionate about a lot of genres and want to keep things more sorted. <3

Stop being scared to make posts for my mental health & healing journey again, even if they might still get misinterpreted. I can't take the responsibility to manage others' perception & emotions or literally anything else they should work out themselves.

[the-copycat-hero]

In my mind, Monoma knows how to pickpocket, do sleight of hand, roll a coin across his knuckles, all that good stuff :D I also hc him to have voluntary nystagmus. No particular reason, I just 100% think Monoma would use that skill to freak people out

Also I hc him to be friends with Hatsume Mei. Each time he visits he brings a whole packet of papers, diagrams, analytics of quirks and how they relate to their costumes, and Mei def eats it up EVERY TIME. She also has him try quirks she needs for the equipment whenever possible. They’re smart kids :>

What do you like seeing most in monoma fics/fan work and what do you want to see more of? Any relationships (romance or gen) you like? Also I’m very curious about the Monoma family 👀 Clearly they don’t seem to keep in touch. What does Monoma say when he’s asked about them? Is it something he keeps under wraps or are most of his friends aware

!!!!!!! Big Brain Takes! Massive!

sleight of hand (and other assorted part trick) Monoma is near and dear to my heart, and i could definitely see him being able to do Some Sorta Nonsense with his body like voluntarily vibrate his eyes. i could see him being double jointed, too. (he is a Bendy Boy.)

ALSO the fact that Monoma and Hatsume never interacted in any meaningful way will haunt me until i die. they are so smart, and they are such freaks (/pos). their aura would have been so powerful. maybe too powerful? i guess Hori had to nerf them somehow.

as far as fanworks go, i am a massive fan of any fic that has Monoma showcasing his quirk. (for example, Learning Curve has a fantastic scene with a training exercise/mock battle that i frequently go back to because it is So Peak to me.)

as far as things i'd like to see more of, i'd kill for more introspective pieces of Monoma learning how to adjust after the war. (let me see him talk to Bakugo, who he watched die! let me see him talk to Aizawa, who tried to protect him!!!) i'm hoping some more of that will come with time as the anime draws closer to the end, but i suppose we shall see.

romance-wise, i'm big on Monoshin and have been since season 2. the fact that it used to be a rarepair floors me. (really played the long game on that one). that being said, i could honestly read about Monoma with almost any other student, his personality is just that much fun to me. apart from Monoshin, i've been seeing quite a bit of Timebomb and Monoma/Pony on my timeline, and i find both so incredibly charming.

platonically: Kendo. Shinsou. Tokage. Mei. Honenuki. Bakugo (especially after the war). ERI. Vlad and/or Aizawa. slap Monoma in an interaction with any of them and i am Locked In.

FINALLY, the Monoma family. (man, the Monoma family.) @smallvictorianchildwhofoundwifi and i have constructed pages upon pages of lore for these human disasters, but i'll try to keep it brief:

Monoma's dad (still need a name) - only ever agreed to have a child in the first place because his side of the family was pressing for it. resents Neito for reasons that i'll probably dig into later - but as long as Neito isn't actively making a mockery of the family name, his dad really can't be bothered to think about him.

Monoma's mom (Hiromi) [PRE WAR] - had Neito when she was young (around 21 years old) because, again, her husband's side of the family was insistent. she adored him at first sight; however, she has had to make a lot of changes to appease her husband's side of the family over the years, and it has turned her into a harsher, colder person overall. every once and a while, she'll be struck with fondness for her son, but it never lasts for long before she goes back to being made of ice. maybe also unconsciously resents Neito some for marking the end of her old life.

Hiromi (cont) [Post-War] - determined to reconnect with her son after almost losing him in the final battle. has made so many mistakes that it seems impossible, but Neito got his tenacity from someone, and it certainly wasn't his father.

Monoma's class knows next to nothing about his family. even Kendo, who has known Monoma for a long while, has precious little information to go off of.

some of the girls in Monoma's class stumble across a picture of Monoma's mother from one of her last modeling shoots, but when they ask him about her, Monoma just tells them that he has his mother to thank for his dashing good looks and leaves it at that. Ittaka - Monoma's old caretaker (and pseudo-older sister) - comes to visit him once, and his classmates briefly think that his real mother must have died until Kendo corrects them (because she may not know much about the Monomas, but she knows that they are all still kicking). but that's about all they've got.

tldr; trying to wrangle a straight answer out of Monoma regarding his family is impossible.

[winterrrnight]

french open

PAIRING: drew starkey x fem!tennis player!reader

FACE CLAIM: iga swiatek

SUMMARY: an instagram blurb about drew being ecstatic about his girlfriend winning the french open

WARNINGS: n/a

EDITH SPEAKS: I've played tennis for a big part of my life so this definitely is a bit personal, I hope you all like it!! I haven't been able to work on my bigger fics atm so here's a little instagram au to keep my blog active :)

I made up all the instagram users, so if by any chance I have your instagram user used here, I'm so sorry I promise it was a total coincidence!

please like and reblog if you enjoy this! feedback is always appreciated 🪐

navigation || join my taglist || requests

liked by drewstarkey, jonathandavissofficial and 1,584,684 others

yourinstagram second week starts tomorrow. let's enjoy it ❤️

user81 sooo proud of you y/n! you've come so far

drewstarkey you're doing so well 🤍

-> yourinstagram thank you baby 💗

-> drewfan25 he's fr her biggest supporter 🥹🥹

-> rafes_starkey he is!! word is he's in france and most probably will be there at her next match

liked by rafe_is_hot, drewfilms_ and 56,834 others

drewstarkeyupdates drew with a fan outside the roland garros stadium today!

tagged: drewstarkey

rafes_starkey ITS Y/N'S SEMI FINAL TODAY AND HE'S HERE FOR HER OMG 🥹🥹

drewiseverything there's no bigger fan of y/n than drew

user45 he looks so good omg

liked by y/nfan31, drewhive and 458,421 others

ynupdates y/n will be playing in the finals of french open next week!! so proud of her 🥳💐

tagged: yourinstagram

y/nfan20 OH MY GOODNESS 🥹🥹

drewsify did y'all see drew in the crowd cheering her on?? it was sooo sweet

-> rafe_is_hot they're couple goals

user67 she's doing so well ❤️

liked by ynisamazing, drewfan56 and 89,282 others

drewstarkeyupdates drew via ig stories!

tagged: drewstarkey, yourinstagram

ynfan21 OH MY GOD 😭😭

rafezcameron I'll just go sob in a corner 😃👍

drew_clouds y/n played so well I was on the edge of my seat watching the match

liked by yourinstagram, drewstarkey and 4,683,760 others

playerstribune y/n y/l/n is the winner of the french open 2023, ranking her no. 1 in the world in singles by the women's tennis association (WTA)!

yourinstagram the most surreal moment of my life 🌟

-> ynfan21 Y/N WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

-> ynisamazing OUR GIRL DID IT 😭😭😭😭

user80 no one deserves it more than her!! she's come so far, and she's worked so hard

liked by drewstarkey, madelyncline and 5,483,684 others

yourinstagram I still can't wrap my head around this, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for being there for me throughout this entire journey. these last few weeks were so exciting and frustrating at the same time, but your support and energy got me through every single day. keep daring, keep dreaming and keep working hard ✨🤍

drewstarkey my girl I am so so so proud of you!!! ❤️

-> yourinstagram I love you so much drew thank you 🤍

brooke_starkey we love you y/n you're a star! <3

-> yourinstagram sweetie you're so lovely 🥹

fionapalomo OH MY GOD!! darling you're such a big role model for all the girls out there who aspire to be big atheletes! they're all going to look up to you and remember you always 🤍🤍

-> yourinstagram oh darling this is so sweet of you to say thank you!! 💗💗🥹🥹

liked by hichasestokes, yourinstagram and 3,302,652 others

drewstarkey my girl did it!! I cannot be more proud of her. my darling, I look up to you every single day, there's no one I've ever known who's as inspiring as you. I've seen you train for this exact moment for years, and I know there's no one who deserves it more than you do. all the blood, sweat and tears you shed so you could hold this trophy are worth it all, because this trophy looks like it's made for you. it's meant to be held by you. I love you so much, cheers to so many more achievements like this 🏆🥂

yourinstagram my love, thank you so much. You've been there for me all the days when I thought this is way too far out of my reach, when it felt like I'm worth nothing, when all efforts looked like they were going to waste. You held me and comforted me, reminding me of my abilities. and today, there's no one with whom I want to cherish this moment more. This trophy is yours as much as it is mine 💛

-> drewstarkey you're my everything ❤️

rudeth y/n we're so so proud of you!!! ⚡

-> yourinstagram thank you rudy! 🤍

drewfan87 THIS IS SO SWEET I'LL ACTUALLY-

starkeyboyz I present to you drew starkey, the best hype man one could ever have

ynfan46 y/n created history 🫶🏻

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TAGLIST: @runningfrom2am @ragingsammie @maybankslover @totalswag @madelynie @chenslucy @ietss @elle-mp3 @viawritesstuff