#i'm not very good at this 'comminicating' thing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cheesecake-the-chicken · 1 year ago

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Im going to try to simplify a lot of things here (big word is try). Because there's a lot. We're a traumatic osdd-1b system btw!

However, being a median system varies from person to person. So keep in mind my experiences aren't fact for every median system out there.

1.) Commination & Memory

Commination for us is very limited. We mostly communicate through feelings and emotions. If you will, pure vibes.

I can hear people talk from time to time. If I really focus. Or if the situation calls for it. (Ex. Someone in front is having a hard time. And someone speaks to talk them through it.)

If I do something someone doesn't like I can feel a general vibe which then can easily translate into words. (Think like a language translator). If I fuck up someone's art piece by accident I'm gonna feel that "fuzzy talk" and understand what they're saying.

We don't have massive memory barriers. So it's easy to recall what someone did last. However, we still forget things. Sometimes someone fronts, leaves and a new person fronts. The new person fronting might not recall what they did exactly. But, have a general idea of what was leading up before they switched out.

A really good example for us is Minecraft. Person B played a shit ton, took a break, and switched out. Person A fronted, got on Minecraft and tried to figure out what the fuck they were doing. Oh, they were mining for iron. We call it "Sticky Note Memory" because we didn't completely forget, but we need to do some reading into to remember. Sometimes it's harder for other people.

2.) Fronting & Identity

Fronting isn't what most systems think it is. It isn't a snap and you're no longer fronting. Because we're a median system we never collectively consciously leave the front. We're all here. Currently, I'm just closer to the front. I am aware of my identity. Whether that because I want too or because the brain has decided I'm the favorite guy.

Fronting and switching is more of a flow. I'm slowly melting into someone else. It might take us awhile to figure out hey, I'm someone new. Sometimes we have what are called "Fillers" where there's an in-between. Sometimes people can spawn sometimes it's a temporary thing. However, we're collectively the "same person." Here's a diagram I have of our experience.

Some of us are less distinct than others. Some have more identity. 90% of us are facets. The 10% are fully formed headmates. But, still melt in with us to create our epic system. But, I can't speak for them on their experiences since I'm a facet and they're not. Whether they ID to that term is up to them.

Most of us are copied and pasted but have wildly different appearances and maybe a little something else added to it. I may act like a lotta my headmates because we're the same people. But, also very different at the same time. It's hard to explain.

Think of icecream. Icecream is icecream. It isn't a sandwich. But there are different flavors of icecream! I'm just a different flavor and texture. But still icecream.

But yeah, that's all I can think of at the moment. There's a lot more but I don't want to go overboard on this ask lol. Again, happy to answer any questions and such!!

thank you so so so much!!!!! this is really relatable for me

definitely with communication, like there’s a difference between what i imagine us doing vs what we do lmao. like i’ll want us to agree on something but the others are behind me like “…ehhhhh” my thoughts are often shared with them though, and i only hear them speaking, not thinking

AND THE FRONTING THING!!! i thought “well i’m definitely not a system because there’s no switches and i’m always here to some degree” (except that time the other day when i had a crisis because i didn’t know who i was and then snapped out of it lmao 😂) but the others tend to come and go, most often being at least a little here except for when they’re asleep

we are definitely separate but share consciousness to some degree. there’s a couple fragments that are part of others (like puzzle pieces that complete them), but we all have distinct personalities, appearances, roles etc.

again thank you!!!! like i’ve said i can only say so much for the others’ comfort and our safety, but it really means the world that there’s others out there like us :’]

#cheesecake’s perch #system #multiplicity #pluralistic #pluralgang #actually plural #plural community #plural system #actually median #median system #actually cptsd #plurality #plural culture #endo safe #pro endo #anti syscourse #anti sysmed #mediple system #hydraconcious

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meirimerens · 2 years ago

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it seems to me that the deal with pathologic 2 english dubbing is entirely dividing all of the characters into three categories: British, South Park character and Women (with intended derogation). honestly drives me insane a bit because with russian well we don't really have that distinct of accents so everyone kinda sounds the same in that manner... and it almost feels less theatrical (maybe it should. but the way english dubbing sounds theatrical To Me is. well. NAWT GOOD) in russian voice over, especially with the kids. (still thinking about british 20 y.o. oxford student that is Notkin and south park caricature voiced by an adult woman that is Khan in english dub. *[metaphorically] holding a cig in between my fingers pensively* still not dealing very well with it emotionally.) the only voice that set me absolutely fucking insane in russian voice over was Eva's – WHY DOES SHE TALK LIKE THAT!! WHAT DID THEY DO TO HER!!!!! misogyny in casual ways etc. etc. but with english dubbing every other character forced a fight or flight response out of me. idk maybe i am a bit biased but with the way it is just so different.... pathologic 2 (RUS) and pathologic 2 (ENG) are like two siblings who are mostly the same but one of them is objectively . uglier than the other. speaking of siblings, it turns out Stamatins have DIFFERENT voice actors in english. this feels like a crime....

i could talk about the voices for Hours bro i played the game russian voices/english subtitles and most of the lp's i watched also went this route except One so i discovered the english voices like second-handedly and Scared Me bro scared me... i've already talked about the kids' voices like I Know. I Know how hard it is to VA kids especially if you have to work with regulations making it harder to hire child VAs (for the better of the kid mind you, i'm not saying #bringbackunregulatedchildlabor here) and i'm sure the women who voice teenage/child boys are doing their absolute bests but man. i think the suspension of disbelief works way more when working with for ex. anime voice acting bc you can See the characters are only vague simulacra of children, but in a game that has pretty detailed 3D models and strives for a certain realism in the faces and whatnot, it is Jarring...

i think the use of British/generally Non-American english accent is like a commin trope to denote a foreignness or a different social status (because most of the anglophone players Will Be americans because. bigger country) but like. come on. look_how_they_massacred_my_boy.mp4... i'm sure there are subtleties within the russian voices that i'm not gettin because. well i'm not russian i guess that helps that would be Complicated to transpose in english but like. worarrgh.

i'm Very Glad both of these games had a release with an english voice acting cast because we like. Know. the tendency that americans have wrt Foreign Media / refusing to interact with things if they are not Dubbed in english even if they are subtitled [i think the whole Parasite movie release put that on the carpet again but i knew of it way before that] so it allowed for More People to check out the games [again. for the better and the worse...]

can we talk about eva and the twins let me talk about eva and the twins. can i talk about eva and the twins?

p2 russian eva has a light and high-pitched voice but it's kinda like. airy and hazy like she's deep in thoughts like she's daydreaming... her english voice sounds like the squeaky voices anglophone VTubers make so sound like cutesy anime girls. she sounding more like a child. and when you pair it with her neotonous face with her fit that looks like a child having dressed themselves and the general "youthening" of her personality. well i ain't saying anything but i'm making the biggest side-eye known to man rn!

p1 russian andrey has a sort of like high almost mighty and haughty attitude, kinda towering, p1 russian peter also has this sort of height with pride to it but fraying on the ends like mouth woolen (the Drink)... p1 english andrey has some of that height and restraint, kinda high in the throat like he's being above... p1 english peter is Squeaky. he's so squeaky. almost sounds giddy from time to time but also. The Drink. my man an arm on the wall drink in the other at a party telling you about shit only his drunk mind can comprehend...

p2 russian andrey has a depth and a certain Mystery but it still looks natural/like he's Deep In Thoughts... p2 russian peter is way #deeper than his p1 counterpart but it still looks natural/that's a Depressed voice if i ever heard one. scraping the floors with it.

p2 english andrey is so raspy it's kinda comical like he playin toughguy and p2 english peter while still Deep is like Theatrical to a goofy extend like IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. YOU SLEEP IN A BATHTUB 😭😭

while it. is normal for siblings to have different voices and would make sense for two siblings to have different voices, and as such voice actors... it doesn't for the stamatwins!! are you crazy? you SEPARATE the stamatwins? you make them into two people instead of two sides of a same coin? JAIL!! JAIL FOR THE VOICE ACTORS

#ring ring (answers)#anonymous #artur ivanov while i think making the twins look deep and mysterius is well a departure from their p1 selves. you did a great job. liked it

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sburbian-sage · 8 months ago

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Howdy there! Im a Knight of Blood, and a human, in the same session as those cherubs!

The sister went a bit cuckoo after she smashed her PC, and stayed up a few days in a row without sleepin, runnin from land to land grindin though quests like a maniac. Eventually one of us told her that her message went through on yer blog and youd responded, and she lost it even more when she read it.

But, ya know what? It actually worked out real well! I guess she hates ya more than her brother now, and that lets her manage to get through a conversation with him without losin it, knowin that he aint the *worst* person around.

Course, all the rest of us think yer pretty great. I think this coulda been a real nightmare of a session. To hear her tell it, all ya did was insult her, but I think she took some of yer points it to heart, even if she wont admit it. ;)

She and her bro still aint getting along all THAT well mind, and shes still a rough around the edges but were all putting in an effort, and I think shes startin to get it.

Anyway, shes too mad to talk to ya, and hes too embarrassed about draggin ya into this to wanna keep doin it. But I thought itd be real rude to not tell ya why they went quiet, and how all that hullabaloo ended.

…Also, im sure shes just talkin, but she says shes gonna hunt ya down out there. Not sure how shed do THAT, and im not sure if shes for real about wantin ya dead or just has some kind hatecrush on ya now (not sure how that works), and I think shes commin around anyway so I doubt shed really kill ya even if she thinks she means it, but figured id warn ya just in case she figures it out some day.

Oh dang! The Cherub Saga comes to its thrilling conclusion. Or at least it does for now, until I meet my own thrilling conclusion when I wake up with a knife in my back, apparently.

First of all, let this diplomatic powerball of an extended online social incident stand in defiance of everyone who ever told me that I'm "so horrendous at people skills and considering the feelings of others that I want to pin you down and peel you" or "good at giving advice as long as you stay away from anything interpersonal". Second, I'm glad not only to have been vindicated, but also to hear that things are going a bit better on their end. The power of friendship, while powerful, is ultimately contextual, but the power of hatred (and offloading all of your personal frustrations onto someone you've never met) is very potent and the time for using it is always.

Jokes (not jokes) aside, I am glad to hear that things are smoothing out for everyone involved over there. The only thing I can advise on now is not to "force" anything vis a vis getting along with people. Partially because that never works ever, partially because it will double-not work with her in particular, but mostly because there's a common tragic pitfall with situations like these. Someone will be a little rude, or unpleasant, or have a glaring personality flaw. It causes them problems with people in their lives, and so they take steps to improve. And then they become immensely fucking boring and uninteresting.

All I'm saying is that if ever she logs back on and checks out my blog again (probably while throwing knives at a dartboard with a picture of my face on it), all I'm saying is that less brother-murder/sublimation is good, I'm ambivalent towards the me-murder, and

I'm glad to hear the brother is doing fine as well. If he's avoiding contact for my sake, I'd say "don't bother, I can deal", but I appreciate the concern at least. My advice to him is that he should also sparkle on, and he's welcome back anytime.

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onlyheretoread2 · 2 years ago

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Lovin' my storm part 7

The group made there way into the prison and ones it was cleared storm went back to retrieve every one else.

A very pregnant Lori said:is it safe?

Rick: this cell block is

Hershal: what about the rest of the prison?

Beth : we sleep in the cells?

Rick : tomarro we will search for the infirmary ,cafeteria and armory but right now we're good.

Daryl: we ain't sleeping in no damn cage.well take the perch .

Daryl and storm brought jaxon up to the perch but storm didn't like it one bit.

Storm: baby this ain't safe.what we gunna do up here with a nearly crawling infant?

Daryl : I ain't sleeping in no cage do what ya want.

Storm: okay then.

Storm then grabs jaxon and her bag and just walks away from Daryl. Seeing this he immediately hops up and catches her.

Daryl: what are ya thinkin . I can't do the cage I'm sorry.

Storm: there's guard towers. Lots of other private places. But do what u want like u told me.

Storm then began to jaostil jaxon as he was getting heavy

Daryl: come here lil man.

JAXON reaches for his father so he takes him.

Storm: u got him ? I'ma find somewhere private to sleep. Do what ya want.

With that storm walks away . Tired of Daryl shooing her away she retreats to the guard tower they made love in the night before. She sat down and just began to think.

"I'm so tired of this. What did I do ? JAXON deserves better."

Daryl: got steam commin out cha ears woman.

Storm: I see u passed him off again

Rolling her eyes and stands up to leave.

Daryl stops her and says"yeah so I could talk to u. You act pissed off all the time and I'm tired of it."I gave ya what ya wanted"

Storm : excuse me?

Daryl: you were bitchin last night talking bout I don't look at cha. How you think I don't want cha. Storm IV loved you for over 5 years . Jaxkn is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I need help. I don't know how to do this husband and father shit. Merle....

Storm: of course blame merle

Daryl: damn it shit up and LISTIN.

Storm: no ..... I'm tired of you blaming him for you not caring. You've been away from him for a fuckin year and you still don't care. I stayed thru his bullshit remember. All the time he'd drag u away at 2 am and you'd call for bail. Everytime u got drunk and fought who bailed you out? What did merle do ? Laugh in ur face and call u pussy whipped . Worse when he was high. .... Jaxon and me are here . He's god noes where and don't get me wrong I hope we find him but you gotta start at least pretending to care. I didn't make that little boy on my own . He need us weather were together or not.

Daryl: what ya mean by that .?

Storm: I feel like I do nothin but bug the fuk outa you and you don't make it easier telling me to do what I want. I want the man I married. The man that cried when the doc told me why I was sick. ..

Daryl:I'm still him. I just need help. You deserve better than a dumbass redneck.

Storm: I deserve what I want and I want Daryl Dixon back.

Storm said with tears briming.

Daryl:I'm right here . You don't bug me I just wanna keep ya safe. I wanna be with you but I can't sleep in a damn cage.

Daryl looks around the tower

"look why not this tower. Jax can sleep in the park n play we can bring a mattress up. I'm sorry for the way IV been .

Strom: if your struggling baby tell me. Don't shut me out. Don't leave.

Daryl:I would never leave.

Storm: you already did. Several times before Jax you'd get pissed and I wouldn't see u for days. Merle would tell me you were getting fucked or locked up so I just learned to live with it.

Daryl: we do find him I'ma beat his ass.

Storm: don't not for me . Just be here hold me...

Kiss ....

Be a dad..,.

kiss...

And when you want to , NOT Because IM BITCHIN, fuck me till I can't walk.

Kiss ....

Daryl: I can't do that.

Daryl snakes his hands around storms waist. He begins to suck and kiss her sweet spot as storm pushes him off.

Storm: let's go find our kid. He needs to eat.

Storm and Daryl walked to the prison hand n hand and as they walked in they found Jax with gamma carol and auntie Sofie . He spotted them from the highchair and stuck both arms way in the air.

Storm:hey bubba.

Jax got happy talking to his parents . Daryl then went to retrieve the pack n play from Maggie's car and set it up for them in the tower .

When Jax was done eating he drifted off so Sofia took him to the tower for. Nap.

While Sofia babysat storm and Daryl found some gear off of one of the guards. Storm,Daryl,Rick,hershals,Maggie,and glen went to clear the tombs. As they approached what they believed to be the cafeteria a heard shows and hershals get pinned and bit. The group pulls him into the cafeteria and ends up severing his leg.

Daryl: duck

When storm turns around there are several prisoners standing staring. One with long greedy hair stares a lil to long at storms breasts and Daryl goes off.

Daryl: watch the eyes!

The prisoner then gets a good look at storm.

Tomas: well if it ain't lieutenant Dixon. Remember me sweetheart.

Rick: we gotta go! Daryl! Storm!

The group takes off and returns to the cell block. Hershal is tended to by carol and Maggie including Lori. Storm leaves telling Daryl she wants to check on jaxon but he knows better. This is the Tomas Ramos that shot storm in the face with a 5o caliber hand gun. The same ass hole that almost took his wife from him.

Daryl: back up Tomas.

Rick: storm good?

Daryl nods

After a Convo with the prisoners Daryl and Rick go to the tower and discover a pale almost catatonic storm. Rick asks what's going on but gets no answer.turning to daryl

"babe just tell um"

Storm turns over and starts

Strom: that's the asshole that did this( she points to her scar.)

Rick : ok?....

Storm: I was a lieutenant in Atlanta metro swat. Tomas was a kingpin. We raided his stach house and that asshole pinned me and usedy own fuckin gun to shoot me.

Rick: shit storm. Were gunna handle him .

Storm: thank you.

After the prisoners were taken to another cell block. Daryl returned to her and said Tomas attacked Rick and is gone. Storm was so glad.

_____

The next week hershals was up and walking . The day hershals took his first steps storm was in the courtyard playing with Jax.

Carl challenged hershal to a race but hershals politely declined .

Carl suddenly screamed "walkers"!

The men by the fence scrambled to get to the top screaming for there loved ones.

Storm got hershals ,carol and beth into a cage and handed jaxon to carol. She then pulled her gun and began to take out walkers with t.

The walkers just kept coming so t and storm ran into the tombs where t was attacked so he pushed storm into a cell . Blocking the door with a walker.

_______

Daryl finally met up with the group taking out walkers as he went. He looked everywhere for storm but only spotted jaxon thru the cage with carol. He opened the door and retrieved his son.

Daryl: where mommy bud? Huh? Where'd she go

Beth:her and t ran that way

Hershal : the tombs.

Carol: I got lil ax you go.

Daryl handed the crying infant over and proceeded to the tombs.

He and Rick searched until they discovered t eatin alive. Daryl searched the halls till he came across storms desert eagle. He picked it up realizing there was blood all over the handle. His heart sank to his stomach

_______

Back outside carol rocked Jax realizing he may have just lost his mother. Daryl kept her gun in his waist band. Besides Jax and him it was her most prized item.

Daryl kept his emotions in check not wanting to cry in front of his son. Rick began to dish out order when Maggie appeared .

Crying infant in her hands Carl was pale and Maggie was covered in blood. Daryl instantly new what happned

Rick had a full blown melt down.

Hershal: let me see the baby

Maggie walked over with the baby and handed her to Beth . Hershal checked her over.

Daryl:we got anything else a baby can ? Jaxsons out .

Hershal: good news is she's healthy . Bad news we need to find formula fast. For her and by judging Jaxon's cry's him.

Daryl: you got him? He asked facing carol

Carol: of corse

Daryl:I'm goin on a run. My kid ain't starving and neither is she.

He kissed Jaxon's head and headed to his bike with Maggie. They found an old day care that thankfully was stocked. They got formula. Diapers clothes even some toys for jaxon. Daryl began to shead tears believing his wife was gone.

Once they returned to the prison Daryl held his son the put him with carol again as he picked up the screaming girl. Jaxon's bottle was handed to him and he held it like a big boy so Daryl helped the newborn.

Daryl: she gotta name yet?

Carl: I don't know was thinking jaqui or maybe storm.

Daryl: we'll see . You like that you like that lil ass kicker?

Daryl: am I right?

______

That night he layed in his tower on there mattress with jaxon fast asleep. He dreamed of storm and sobbed as he simply wanted his wife back.

______

4 days later Carl and Oscar joined Daryl on his never ending hunt. They approached the original hallway and Oscar pointed out a walker by a door that was opening and closing on its own.

Daryl: well come back for it.

Daryl hadn't slept in almost a week at this point. He simply wanted to find storm. Or what's left of her. He sobbed at night and let carol watch lil ax through out the day.

Vowing to not stop till she was found. Or a least whatever's left.

After having a discussion with Carl about how his mother died. Carl was a happier kids. Oscar found some slippers and was extatic. A walker tried to sneak up on Daryl but he took it out. When he tried to leave he noticed a nice in the walkers throat. He pulled it out to reveal a hand cared handle switch blade with a thunder storm on the handle.

DARYL: THATS STORMS kNIFE

he shooed Oscar and Carl back wanting some time to grieve. He sat by the door with the dead walker and became more and more irritated. He finally screamed

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!

The door by him slammed louder now. So he put storms nife between his teeth. Ripped open the door but was met with the brightest green eyes hes ever seen.

Storm : hey stranger

She said before passing out. Daryl scooped her up bridal style and ran back to the cell block. Screaming for hershal . Hershal inspected storm and was released she only was dehydrated. He hooked up an IV and allowed storm to eat once she's awake.

Storm woke up hearing babbling and looked over to see her son in his father's lap stacking blocks.

She coughed and Daryl was by her side with Jax in an instant.jax reached for his mama and she snatched him to her. Daryl embraced his wife and said...

"I'ma go find Rick"

"ok"

Jax: ma. Ma

Daryl and storm looked at each other with huge smiles.

Storm spent the rest of the day cuddling up to Jax and when Daryl returned he had carol and Rick there. Carol threw herself to storm. Rick simply asked Daryl how?

After telling him Daryl carried storm with Jax on her up to there tower. Daryl had to help Rick so he left stop there cautiously .

After a few hours Daryl returned with a dad expression.

He informed storm that gless and Maggie were taken prisoner and Rick wants to retrieve them but they both needed to go.

Storm: Carol's goin right?

Daryl:yea y

Storm: I'll get us ready lil man can keep gamma company while we get um.

Daryl just smiled .

After several hours everyone loaded up and went to where the woman Rick found by the fence said go. Jax stayed in the car with carol.

Glen and Maggie were rescued but Daryl and storm received some news.

Glenn: Storm ..,. Daryl this... Was merle

Storm and Daryl both froze.

"U sure "storm adked

"yea he's a lieutenant or somethin" Maggie said

"we gotta get him" storm and Daryl both said .

"no not now.we will return but we gotta go"Rick stated

"he's his brother!" Storm yeled

"fuck him we will come back " she stated hold Daryl's face.

Daryl pulled storm to the side

"I'ma go get him u get them safe. I'll come back"

"you better" storm said while kissing daryl

The group made there way out but Daryl lingered. As storm was climbing over the wall a bullet hit her rib . She fell from the wall unconscious. When she woke up she was in the back of the car. Carol was in the front crying. JAXON was whining and Daryl was gone.

DARYL WAS GONE

"where is he"

"storm I'll explain later " "u need hershals" Rick said trying to calm jax

Where the fuck is my husband!

Stormed was now screaming.

"he left" glen started."said it was always merle and him before this. Told us to make you go to the prison. Didn't say if he was coming back"

Storm began to open the car door only to have Oscar snatch it back.

As the prison approached and then the car parked storm asked carol and Rick to watch the baby as she locked herself in the tower . Little did she know Rick was hiding something.

______

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missjanjie · 4 years ago

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Hi Joley. Um, this is just a weird ask because I feel most comfortable talking to you about it rather than mum, who'd just say it's fine without truly understanding, Bc she doesn't know about me being ace or me preferring women? So like, it'd be awkward to try and go into detail? Anyway, I'm 18 on Monday? And I feel really silly almost? Because I've never had a significant other, not had my first kiss, never wanted sex, though it doesn't disgust me? I just feel really behind, and like, 1/2 🦄

Honey, first things first, you are not falling behind. You’re only eighteen, and while yes, it’s popularly viewed as a milestone/start of adulthood but you don’t suddenly stop being a teen just because you’re ‘of age’. All of these romantic milestones that people are expected to have in high school are incredibly heteronormative, and it isn’t fair or healthy as a queer person to feel a sense of obligation to hold yourself to that standard.

I’m 24, and I’ve never had a serious relationship. But i came out as a lesbian at 20, and even though I’ve known I was at least some form of queer since I was 11, that transition was a set of growing pains that set me back in terms of emotional readiness for a relationship. When the vast amount of coming of age stories aren’t relatable to you, both from a romantic and sexual standpoint, it’s understandable to think ‘well it must be me with the problem’. In reality, there shouldn’t be this narrative that by 16 you should’ve at least gone to second base and had your first heartbreak.

The good news is it does sound like your family is at least attempting to be understanding, and while there’s never ever an obligation to come out, it’s okay to say “I’m not interested in dating right now” and take it from there. You have so much time to think about having a partner, you’re still growing. And even if you’re always shy and quiet (hello 👋), you’ll eventually grow into yourself. And with how common finding love online is, you don’t really have to worry about needing to go to a party, etc to meet someone. In these times especially, long distance relationships are also very much things. However, if there are comminity spaces you feel comfortable in, I’d still say go for it.

I hope that helped, I’m happy to answer any other questions 💗

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thelucyverse · 4 years ago

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Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

I end up in the middle of an informal Order meeting- just a dinner, I suppose, but it looks like a meeting to me as I have only seen these people at Order meetings in the past years.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asks, in a mixture of confusion, anger (at the world in general and because he can't visit his best friend all the time, being his secret keeper) and happiness (because I was a distraction from anger and frustration?).

"I- something happened. V- /the Dark Lord/," I catch myself, being around them almost made me forget the danger of that name, "he had some of his followers under a kind of mind control- I broke it, and there was chaos, and a few death eaters died- you can put Malfoy and Greyback on that list, one of the Carrows too I think, and Nott and Avery were in pretty bad shape last I've seen- and-" "Malfoy him or Malfoy her?" Sirius asks. I want to raise an eyebrow, say 'I didn't know you cared', but then I catch the way he is looking in the direction of the kitchen. Oh. Andromeda. I hadn't realised she was around. "Just him" I quickly explain. "Actually, that's another thing- I didn't exactly come here alone..."

There is definitely a lot of shouting involved, and I am just about ready to run outside, grab Bella and get away from here, when Andromeda stomps out of the kitchen and past everyone to open the door. Suddenly, it's very silent in the living room.

"Narcissa." Andromeda says, her voice cold but her resolve to stay that way definitely wavering. "And- Bella, you too? Regulus??"

"What?!" Sirius pushes her out of the way to see his younger brother. "Reg?! What the fuck?! Wait, you were under mind control??"

"Uh, no, actually" Regulus winces, scratches his head, taking an involuntary step back. "Really just didn't know how to get out, at this point... Did try to do some shit, but someone had gotten there before me, and then I kinda didn't have the energy to try again..." Sirius groans and shakes his head at him. "Fucking Slytherins..." "He took down Carrow" Bella interrupts. There's definitely some pride for her cousin in her voice. "You what?"

Interrupting before this gets more chaotic than necessary, I explain: "Actually, out of the three, only Bella was under the mind control. There were others, I have a few suspicions but nothing confirmed. Narcissa was magically bound to her husband in some way, but- well, he's dead now." no need going into the fact that I broke the connection beforehand. People know of your power- people want you to use it. Bad enough I can't pretend like I didn't do the rest- but, if I play it right, maybe it'll just look like it was another Dark Mark related thing instead of soul magic. As long as Bella and Narcissa play along... I curse myself for talking so openly earlier. Heat of the moment...

"And- what? We're supposed to believe that they are just immediately reformed?" Andromeda snaps, pulling me from my thoughts. "In case you have forgotten all about it, my dear sisters never stood up for me when I was cast out, and I'm fairly certain they weren't under any mind control then!" I pinch my neck. "Andromeda" I say, holding up a hand to silence her as well as her sisters. "They would have just been cast out too if they had tried to help you, what did you expect? They're Slytherins, some healthy egoism is in their blood! And-" I take a deep breath- "yes, they grew up around blood supremacy ideology and probably never questioned it much, but tell me- if you hadn't fallen in love with Ted, if you hadn't had any /reason/ to question it yourself, would you have acted any different than them?" Andromeda is silent, and I sigh. "Yes, they aren't perfect people, but they are ready to act against the Dark Lord, and isn't that all we need to know right now? You don't need to get on, but we can't afford to be picky with our allies at the moment."

Andromeda nods, stares at her sisters for a long moment and turns around to disappear in the house. In that moment, however, Regulus cries out and lands on his knees, hand pressing against his arm. I curse. "Fuck!" I should have thought of that, I should have /anticipated/ that and done something about it! Of course, the second maze of dark marks hadn't been broken, and Regulus hadn't been part of the first...

Bending down to get a better look at it, I am appalled: this isn't just a second round of the same thing, but a new, terrifying curse instead. This isn't just meant to curse pain and summon people, this is-

Breaking away from the magic with a gasp, I sit back and disarm him, then grasp Regulus' face, force him to look into my eyes. "The Dark Lord can control you through that" I hiss. "And it isn't- it isn't like the others, and I don't have /time/, he's going to act, he might try to take over your body- the only way to get rid of it I can think of is to get rid of the arm. Regulus?" He stares at me, shell-shocked and still obviously in pain. Then he presses out: "Do it."

I turn around to the others, looking for help. "Does anyone- he'll need medical attention at least-" "I'm getting Pomfrey!" Dädalus Diggle squeaks out and disapparates. I wince. Pomfrey means Dumbledore. Well, best get it all over with. I turn around to Regulus- only to find him staring back with unseeing eyes. Fuck. He turns on the spot, trying to apparate- and falls on his face. Thank Fuck has I thought to disarm him. It's easy to tie him up now, and he doesn't seem to be properly possessed by anything that could talk- Voldemort probably just sent out a generic 'come home' signal.

"What's happening to him?" Sirius shouts behind us, alarmed. "The fuck did she just say was happening" Bella hisses at him, and I smile at her protectiveness of me. Whatever else happens, I think we can figure out the thing between us.

The /cracks/ of apparition around us alert us of the arrival of newcomers, and we all immediately raise our wands in defence- it's Dumbledore, Mad-Eye, McGonnagall and Pomfrey (do they hang out for tea together, or what?), but I don't lower my defence immediately. "How many stories does the house behind us have?" I hiss. "Two" Dumbledore answers calmly. "It is really just us. Now, what is going on her?" "Constant vigilance!" Mad-Eye booms "She has it right! All of you, lowering your wands like little-" "Alastor!" McGonnagall interrupts him indignantly. In that moment, Dädalus arrives, carrying an assortment of medical equipment and potions bottles. Pomfrey steps forward to take some of them of him. "I was told there would be a patient?"

"Not yet" I say, nodding to Regulus. "But could we maybe move inside first?" that leads to another discussion ultimately abandoned for the moment when Regulus starts to twitch and I can see the curse slowly flickering past his elbow...

Mad-Eye is the one to do the actual amputating, and while I don't understand that choice, I believe in Pomfrey's judgement, and I'm glad it doesn't have to be me. Somehow, blood and open wounds in a medical environment are just more bile-inducing than in battle. Plus, it means I can be there for Bella when the continues discussion amongst the people not involved in the amputating turns back to what to do and where to go. We can't exactly keep standing just outside of the Fidelius property forever.

"Oh, for god's sake!" I finally hiss- for a moment then, I am afraid because I used a muggle idiom, but then I remember where I am. I turn to Dumbledore. "Let's use your pensive. You can tell when a memory has been tampered with, can't you? Let's go." Mad-Eye comes with us, and the five of us apparate to the Hogwarts gates. It is the first time I actually see the castle. It is, somehow, both more and less impressive than expected. Narcissa is the first Dumbledore asks for her memories. They are a jumbled mess of colours and shock and /fear/, neatly highlighting the scene where she /has/ to check on Lucius when he is unconscious, not revealing much about my actions apart from the fact that I used an imperius on Malfoy. Dumbledore raises an eyebrow at that, but he doesn't comment, and Mad-Eye just snorts: "Had it commin'!" Bellatrix' memory is first even more jumbled than Narcissa's, darkness of hatred clouding thoughts and judgement, only to go over in sharp, clear pain when her soul is healing herself. She doesn't show the scene of me telling them about soul-magic, either. Then I show my recap- how Bellatrix first changed after going to a meeting with Voldemort, how others had similar changes or behaviors, how Bellatrix collapsed under some outside influence- then back to how Narcissa never seemed to like her husband, how I cut the connection to him, and finally how, through Lucius' eyes under the imperius, I broke the connect of the Dark Mark to Voldemort. Dumbledore and Mad-Eye seem to buy that as the full story. After each taking a magicians' oath not to knowingly and actively aid Voldemort in any way (I demanded the phrasing instead of a vow not to act against the Order. That had too much room for complications), they were given the Secret of Tine Cottage, and we went back to Headquarters.

Just as Regulus is sitting down on the chair next to sirius, one cursed arm lighter and a grim expression on his face, Snape stumbles in- and it is that stumbling that saved him, because instantly, Mad-Eye, McGonnagal and I all have our wands pointed at him. The others would have probably just kept them pointing in threat, but I immediately disarm and stun him. "What-" squeaks Dädalus. I shake my head, walk over, kick away his wand and cast a diagnostic. I shiver. I might not like the man that much, but he doesn't deserve this. "It's the same as Regulus" I say slowly. "Only I don't think it's on his arm... The tattoo on his arm is empty, it must have been one of the ones I destroyed... This one is on his chest, over his heart." McGonnagal gasps in shock. I had heard that she and Snape are something like friends, now, or at least good colleagues, despite her having been his teacher not too long ago. I feel sorry for her.

"What can we do?" Regulus asks, staring at the pale form of Snape on the ground. I realise that he must have just found out that Snape isn't on Voldemort's side. "Right now, we have to make sure he can't move or talk, no matter what the Dark Lord wants him to do. Madam Pomfrey?" She sets to work putting Snape into a magically induced coma. I am thinking hard now. "Dumbledore- can you be sure that your Fidelius holds when Riddle possibly saw every last thought in Snape's head?" "The Fidelius is a charm of-" "I don't need a lesson, I need an answer!" I hiss. Some of the others are clearly distraught by the way I am talking to their leader, as if they don't remember that it was the same way before I went undercover. "...rest assured, it will hold." Dumbledore answers. "Now, my dear, I believe we have to have a discussion long overdue- while I am gratified to hear that Tom is weakened, your rash actions have put many at risk, including Severus here. And of course, the use of the Imperius curse-"

I explode, barely hearing how Mad-Eye grumbles about the unforgivable curses being legal for aurors at wartime. "Oh /shut up!/" I shout. "Shut up with your holier than thou attitude, and don't you dare talk down to me again calling me your 'dear'! I had acted immediately because it was already happening, you saw the damn memory, you saw how Bella collapsed, but I suppose I should have just left her to die 'for the greater good'! And don't pretend to even care about Severus, you wouldn't even have let him join the Order if we hadn't talked you into it, after all you already had your spy! And don't think I didn't notice how you didn't even care to mention Regulus- he's sitting here and missing an arm! And the goddamn imperius curse was fucking necessary to break the curse in the marks, plus it's not like I could have let Lucius go otherwise, anyway, yes maybe there would have been a better way but not in that moment when I didn't have any time! And /don't you dare pretend you have never done something questionable!/ I know your history maybe better than anyone else in this room apart from yourself, or /including/ if you've deluded yourself well enough! So be damn. Fucking. Careful what you say to me." panting, I sit down, and feel Bellatrix grabbing my shoulder in support. Mad-Eye slides over a glass of whiskey. There's a glint in his eyes as if he's glad to see Dumbledore taken down a notch- funny, I would have thought he was an Albus Dumbledore fanclub fanatic. But I detect no poison in the alcohol, so I down it. Needed that right now.

Dumbledore is silent. Everyone is, really. I sigh. While I'm glad the old man is shutting up for a moment, we still have a war to plan.

"How many of the- /items/ regarding Riddle's downfall have already been collected, and how many more do you think there are?" McGonnagall says. 'Items', really? What, does she think we're all going to turn into vicious crazed murderers to split our own soul if we find out what Horcruxes are? "You got three, right?" I ask. I got Hufflepuff's cup from Bella- uh, you probably don't remember that anymore, you asked to be obliviated afterwards-" "I remember leaving it in Gringotts like he asked, despite my- doubts-..." Bella murmurs. I can't help it, I grin proudly. "You got back into the bank immediately after, got the cup and asked to be obliviated of anything after you first left the bank. Terribly clever, that!" "Wait, was that while she was under the mind control thingy?" Sirius asks, and Regulus leans forward too, probably personally interested. I grimace. "The control she was under wasn't as- explicit- as the one you experienced. It wasn't like she was possessed, she was still herself for the most part, just- more open to murder and serving the Dark Lord unconditionally, basically... And she was already fighting it." then I remember something: "Oh! Wow, how the heck I managed to forget about this I don't even know" I exclaim, then mutter: "it's oozing evil so you'd think I'd've noticed, but I guess there's been too much of that today..." I pull Tom Riddle's diary out if my coat pocket, only touching it with my sleeve. "Number five! Got it from Lucius Malfoy's study. And- I don't actually think there are currently any others? If V- /He/ gets a familiar, we should make sure to kill that too, in case he's twisted enough to try something on a living thing, but otherwise..." silence falls in the room. Then, excited chattering from just about everyone. Despite myself, I have to grin, too, and reach up to squeeze Bella's hand that's still on my shoulder. The war is coming to a close.

Remus Lupin- the only spy we have left- arrives to report that the werewolves are in disarray, and while them not having a leader isn't an ideal state re: not killing anyone on the full moon, it's still definitely better than being lead by Greyback, who would have them kill on purpose. Also, not many of them are going to follow Voldemort- apparently, the Deatheater liaisons just stopped showing up. That's something. Are other Deatheaters just disappearing, too? Fleeing or dead? I wonder. And I propose an idea: to lure out Voldemort and all his followers for one big final battle to get rid of them all with a bang. Because while getting rid of the Dark Lord himself is the main goal, I'm afraid many if the Deathesters aren't quite as worshipful of him as they might have been in the distant future- they still see an organization that he happens to be the leader of, not a philosophy that stands and falls with him. If we take him out, what says another won't take over? "We know he has less people in his ranks than before, possibly less than he knows, probably less than the followers he still does have know- he wouldn't tell them that their position is weakened. If we can lure his army somewhere into the open- a field, or even Hogwarts grounds as long as the school is still closed- we can disappear in his army, dressed as Deatheaters ourselves, and take them out from within before it can even come to an attack" I suggest.

That leads to another great discussion, but in the end my idea is accepted. Which leads the question: how do we lure him out, what do we use as bait? "I have the full prophecy of which he only knows half." Dumbledore tells us. "What prophecy?" "Prophecy, what prophecy?" oh, how nice to see that his people are always fully informed of what's going on. Not. An explanation (and a lot of sneering about wanting the prophecy to come true from my side to Dumbledore, which leads to Sirius and Remus getting mad at him too in defense of their godson) later, Narcissa asks: "But how do we get the Dark Lord to go after it?" before immediately blushing, looking down and wanting to disappear. It's the first time she has said anything in this meeting. "We could use Snape" Bella chimes in. I grin. "That's a grand idea- he knows Snape's a spy and undoubtedly also who he is with, he's going go keep trying to look through his eyes... If, the next time Pomfrey would have to renew the coma spells, we just chain him to the bed instead and let him wake, we can have people visit him- several, to make it more believable, with most just there to talk to Snape and try to talk him out of his mind control- but me, or one of you two- or Regulus, too- we could go in to speak to Voldemort through him, to taunt him, to make it seem like we think we've already won because of what the prophecy said..."

Getting Voldemort to bite is disgustingly easy. We put Snape in a hospital bed in Hogwarts to make sure Voldy will come to the right location, then Dumbledore comes to talk to Severus about fighting the evil within while completely ignoring all that Tom has to say to the topic- next is Lily, who has a pretty good fake cry, pretending that she wants her best friend back while of course the true reason is for old Morty to see her at Hogwarts- if the prophecy isn't enough, the prospect of getting to the Potters /and/ the prophecy might do. And then, entry Bella, laughing mean and half-crazed about what she has heard about the prophecy the Dark Lord was so in love with, and that he would never get to rule ever again because he was stupid enough to believe half-knowledge was enough, and that little attacks by his followers were getting him anywhere, how good for us it was that he holed up his own power in a cave to rot. Yeah, Voldy-Snape snarled pretty impressively when she left the room, I'm kind of sorry for the state of Snape's teeth from all that grinding them.

Meanwhile, we have copied Death Eater masks and cloaks while also managing go get in contact with a few of the others I had suspected to be under 'mind control'. Arleen Singer, Corban Yaxley, Sabina Frey... Sabina has scars on her face she hadn't had when I had last seen her, and a part of me feels guilty for not making sure that she got out of Malfoy Manor safely- on the other hand, I'm just glad the scars aren't on mine of Bellatrix' faces.

On the day of the battle, everything feels rather anticlimactic. We had all preparations ready days before, having hurried not knowing when Voldemort would come, and even though he comes in the dead of night, many are already awake and the rest do wake when the first alarm is triggered. We move, silent and disillusioned until we reach our location, into the rows of death eaters and the rest of the Dark Lord's followers. We had decided to go in pairs, to pre-decided locations far enough apart that the stunning spell-bombs we have won't reach the other pairs. There was much discussion about what to do about Voldemort, now that he is most likely mortal, too, and in the end Mad-Eye ended the discussion by stating that as an Auror, he has a kill order on that man, and he won't do anything less. Dumbledore isn't happy about it, but he doesn't need to be. Squeezing Bella's hand under our Death-eater robes, I wait for the signal. It's pretty obvious when it happens- green light where Voldemort stood in the middle of his army, two flashes- one for the snake, one for the man. Then green sparks, the all clear.

Voldemort has fallen.

The Dark Lord is no more.

There will be time for relief later, now I have to move: I activate the ring of the spell-bomb in my hand, aiming away from us, while Bella does the same. As soon as the chaos starts, we scream as if surprised and run forward- past the line that ends the area that is going to trap the Deatheaters. Once we are past it, we pretend to be caught as if by invisible strings- as if this is the dangerous area, and not the one the Deatheaters are already on. The few others who weren't hit stumble back, afraid, and the two who do move forward past the line are caught by actual spells when they don't pretend to be caught to indicate that they belong to us.

Counting the figures with their hands in the air in the position as arranged, I smile when I see that we all made it back out alright. Raising my hand and shooting green sparks in the air, the rest of our team raise the anti-apparition, anti-magic in general wards on the area the Death eaters are on, plus physical shields not only surrounding the area but also in partages, in case one of them goes on a rampage he won't be able to get to everyone of them now. Deatheater or not, those people should get a trial now that the war is over. McGonnagall sends a patronus to the ministry, and Mad-Eye goes to collect more Aurors.

I don't stay to find out what happens next. My part is done here.

In the Great Hall in Hogwarts, breakfast is layed out. I sigh as we enter, leaning into Bellatrix, finally able to relax somewhat. Bella smiles, then slowly walks over towards the Slytherin table, stroking her hand over the old wood. What memories is she thinking on? "What would your house be?" she asks me instead. "I know you were never sorted." I frown. I had never given this much thought. During the war, I had done many things one could call stupidly brave, but I hadn't done them out of chivalry or to prove that I wasn't afraid. Many actions were, of course, means to an end, calculating in Slytherin ways... And I had had to be clever, and I valued intelligence. But then again... "The sorting hat usually decides what house you are at eleven" I muse. "Had I been sorted at that age, I would have undoubtedly been a Slytherin, angry at my fate, at the world, ready to do just about anything to anyone to get what I wanted. Then throughout my life, however... I did things that fit in all four houses. Maybe not Gryffindor, at the very least less. But at the moment, what I would choose, or what the hat might choose for me based on my values? Hufflepuff. Kindness, loyalty, we need more of that in this fucked up world."

Part 5

#wip

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