#i'm not even INTO this like fuck having children but when it's all mental fuckery it tastes so good

[riftwalker-limbro]

as someone who finds the concept of age as a hierarchy IRL interesting ("i'm the elder sibling, you should listen to me", "respect your elders"), a game like warframe REALLY fucks with my perception of how-things-should-be

because you have

trauma child whose physical age is somewhere between child & late teenager (citation Needed) but who is actually >1000 years old but who has perhaps spent a single percent of those awake. fan theory has these kids as no longer aging physically due to sat-too-long-in-my-cryopod-syndrome

trauma adults(?) who were physically transformed into the ideal soldier. do they age? do they eat? do they sleep? did they go into a similar 1000 year old cryosleep? (my canon says yes but depending on the frame & headcanons you go with your mileage may vary outRAGEOUSLY, including but definitely not limited to alive for a while -> cryosleep for a bit -> literally dead and in pieces -> reassembled????)

some people who are entirely unaccounted for for those full 1000 years. were they awake? hanging out somewhere? also in some kind of slumber?

drifters.

and like, 3 being in charge of 1 is reasonable. before the Millenium of Fuckery, they were already adults. now, they are like. super adults. them being responsible makes sense.

but somehow, all (of my) first-instinct interpretations of the relationship between group 2 and 1 places 1 in charge of 2. this feels super wrong bc they are children.

so i've been contemplating the finer details of this for my canon. and they are as follows.

tenno had the mental maturity of children/late teens when the zariman oopsie happened. i'm hc'ing my kelth at like 17 to still be below the MITW's seemingly arbitrary Going Murderously Nuts limit but i have certain skills i want them to have before the jump (coding, you'll find out).

then, due to all the cryosleep business, their bodies get frozen that way. they get fucked up beyond repair biologically. are they now functionally immortal? i think that would be a fantastic horror cherry on warframe's trauma sundae.

but what's their mental state like? their adolescent brains frozen like that? imagine being a permanent teenager. the idiot hormones. and at the same time, they're going through all the horrors of war, being manipulated by almost all adults in their life (margulis is on thin fucking ice) for one purpose or another. did they know their life was hanging on by a jurisdictional thread until it was discovered they alone could reliably control warframes? wouldn't that have fucked with their mental state horribly? but at the same time, they must've been somewhat distanced from it - they went through so many battles but through piloting the body of another, it was never their own neck on the line, or the necks of the other tenno, not directly.

i think tenno must be mentally mature in some ways, like Horrors of War, but absolutely not in others, like emotional. they could have great strategic capabilities, but processing a small slight would happen with out-of-proportion swearing of vengeance and very little rationality. they are masters of combat, but not of their own mental state.

let's briefly discuss warframes before combining these thoughts. there is an absolute wealth on 1. different frames with different canon backstories both before & after the helminth 2. absolutely fantastic headcanons. so a few differences here are:

original role: part of one of the soldier castes, someone else somehow in direct service to the Orokin Empire, or common public?

intent: did not want to become a warframe but was forced, did want to become a frame, was completely tricked into becoming a warframe without even making their opinion known, and Oops (e.g. my vince)

as you can see, breeding grounds for a variety of mental states here, but i've never really heard of a child warframe - did we finally find the limits of orokin cruelty? - so for this post i'm assuming they were all adults pre-warframification

so you have a tenno, who is emotionally still a child but due to exactly that + their expertise in decidedly unchildlike things such as the art of war they can act like the most seasoned veteran. and you have warframes, who likely were used to following higher-ups' orders, who maybe never even see their Operator in the flesh.

when i put it like this, i am happy, because that way, it makes sense to me that warframes would obey tenno as they generally do. i am mentally putting umbra in the "yeah this does not apply to you, have a biscuit & some tea" corner, but only because he's the only sentient frame in canon and i personally disagree with that. the problem, for me, arises like. post-second-dream. sentient warframe suddenly realizes they've been taking directions from a child for so long.

worse, sentient warframe realizes they've allowed a child to bear the burden of their own pain and trauma for so long. a warrior and wise for their years, but still a child.

my own thoughts kind of run out here. but i will be rotating this more.

[weirdestcornelius]

i have a lot of issues with how reproduction is handled tbh. like... yeah the whole dead thing. itd be 1 situation if, like, you and another person wanted to raise kids but they died b4 you got things set up for emem to give you an egg... but thats not the limit. you could have a kid with a person whos been dead for years. you could have it with someone who never knew you, since you can have them with fictional characters. THATS really weird.

i also dont like the fact emem can give an egg to single parents purely for like... biological purposes. cause like. that would just be a clone? or at the very least it wouldn't be a healthy kid. species don't reproduce the way they do for no reason.

then again anthries are actually fucked biology wise. i don't understand on any level why they lactate when they literally dont even lay their eggs. how does their body know to do that at all.

also, while im here, if ferries are assigned a gender by their owner since they don't have reproductive organs (how does emem decide when to give ferries children anyways. theyre animals. do they really have the mental capacity to desire parenthood?) then why dont anthrys work like that. why, in such a pro gender fuckery society, in the absence of meaningful sex differences... have doctor decided agabs. sorry i know im not wording this well. i just think it would be interesting to explore transness in a society where ur gender is something handpicked for you by ur parents. and it would make more sense because, again, there is no reason for them to have distinct sexes anyways.

-rewrite anon

I threw out the whole egg system recently for my rewrite because of this. It's being built back from the ground up and maybe pregnancy will exist. I'm not sure yet.

When talking about the clone thing Kc actually answered that concern in the past. Apparently the child gets DNA from not only their parent, but also the parent's parents and their grandparents. So I suppose that prevents it from being an actual clone?

And the thing about them choosing their pets genders has always sort of confused me for obvious reasons. The thing with lactating and stuff when they don't even lay eggs is also confusing, to say the least. I like the egg system, don't get me wrong. I always thought that it was cute. But at the same time it doesn't give any room for reproduction issues or trauma from getting children too early.

If I do keep the egg system one thing that will be changed is you can't choose when you have a child. It can happen at random if you're in a relationship with very little warning. More importantly there's Anthries that are unable to have eggs because of- idk yet. But reproduction issues and trauma is something that I want to see handled in the comic.

[queenofmalkier]

So, for my personal thoughts I'm gonna have to watch it again, too much happened. I'm gonna word vomit every thought I have now. Putting it under a cut to be extra careful, spoilers for EVERYTHING.

BAYLE. MY BOY BAYLE.

The Seanchan are so much more horrifying when they explain they're about to fuck shit up in their best customer service voice. And that fucking SPIKE????? It's so perfect. Fucking gruesome. Not making the damane kneel was good too - because they're not people, they don't count. I do wish they'd shown her being rewarded at the end, petting her hair or something like that to really elevate the what the fuckery.

Adeleas is everything and I love her so, so much.

I understand why they made the change to have Nynaeve thought to be dead - it's sowing the seeds for whatever is going on with Mat and it gives Liandrin more depth. It also gives us Egwene showing her own stubbornness - if they won't go get Nyn then SHE'LL do it.

Honestly I'm kind of here for the Liandrin depth? She acts like a bratty little doll come to life but like. The Chucky kind.

AND SHE HAS A SON???? FUCKING TWIST OF THE CENTURY. I was wondering about her comments about living for such a long time and protecting little girls. And we all wanted to know about the "man" Moiraine threatened her with. Honestly I'm just... I like Liandrin as a character now and I don't know how I got here. How did this happen.

Egwene thinking she isn't noticed meanwhile all the background Aes Sedai are like DID YOU SEE HER. Babygirl you been seen. You're just not being stubborn so they don't have to worry about you.

Nynaeve. Fuck man. The Elnore scene broke me but they GOT ME with that fake out no lie. I was like WHAT IN THE FEMINISM GIRLBOSS BULLSHIT IS THIS!?!? And then "OH NO."

I'm glad Elayne got busted for trying to make her room fancy. I was initially annoyed because she wasn't supposed to get special treatment but I need to have more trust.

THEY GAVE US THE FADE SCENE.

They're also giving me Spooky Children of the Corn Elyas and I respect this decision wholeheartedly. He's very "Bitch you about to learn" and I also respect this. Even if him turning up riiiiight when Ishamael was being a shit covered in blood was not helpful for Perrin's Health, Wealth, or Wellbeing.

Oh the darkfriend social POV from the kid was actually genius. It showed all the details without the tricky business of an internal narrative! ALSO. Not everybody gets pulled to the shadow because they're afraid. I think it's important to show that, to show in some ways how indoctrination can happen. That's how you get people who are loyal down to their bones.

Fuck what else.

OH! OH OH OH! PERRIN WRITING LETTERS WAS ALSO GENIUS. Because he's so internal but he's genuinely so thoughtful. He would take the time to write letters, and would take care in what he wrote, and in that way we get to know him so much better. They're not doing my boy dirty this season.

Rand :( :( :( him working in a mental hospital worked well - I was afraid of that change, but they handled it with care. Him going after the dickhead showed us his lack of control too, even if I personally Support Him.

Lanfear is so good. She's so, so, SO fucking good. THIS is what she was always supposed to be. I love RJ, he's my boy, but I think he failed to convey just how fuck off horrifying somebody like Lanfear is. "Don't ever leave me" GIRL.

I saw some complaints about Logain "still taking care of himself" before it came out and was annoyed, but now I feel justified. The man is not eating willingly - I'm sure by now he knows if he doesn't eat they will force feed him. He's a living example. The madman in a cage. He's unkempt and unpredictable and I am living for it because to me, that is having nothing to live for. Asking for ridiculously expensive wine just to pour it out. Nothing matters to Logain anymore.

Min I'm unsure of. I feel like she was a plant by Moiraine for sure, to watch Mat and make him trust her the only way she could, but now she's helping him because of what she saw. (Which, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!?!?!?!?)

All the Beltane lanterns broke my heart.

One gripe: Loial roaring was. Um. Weird.

[agent-cupcake]

Imagine having a child with a guy named Jimmy. Cursed.

OTHERWISE you all pretty much echoed what I was thinking, bless you.

cw pregnancy / forced pregnancy

(As ever, this is all in the context of dark personalities. I hesitate to say yandere, although that’s kind of become synonymous with dark personality AU’s and an obvious argument can be made that a darker take on the characters could lead into a yandere scenario) 

Ferdinand von Aegir

~While I don’t think he’d go out of his way to have a baby, he definitely wouldn’t take any steps to avoid it, either. That is, he wouldn’t really stray into breeding kink territory or anything of that kind but he’s not gonna pull out either. 

~But, yeah, if you were to get pregnant, Ferdinand wouldn’t be displeased by any means. He’d legitimately think it was the best way to “fix” things and out of a misguided attempt to ignore any negative aspects of the relationship and cling to the idealism of a happy marriage. 

~Just a side note, but I def see him with a body worship kink and I can only begin to imagine how that would intensify with his weakness for the softness and so-called beauty of motherhood. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.   

~Honestly, I don’t see him overtly leveraging  as a manipulation tactic. No, he’s good enough that his genuine feelings could do the job for him. Like, it’s not just you anymore. You’re responsible for another life so don’t you think you just trust him and let him take care of you? Oh, sure, he’d humor you (on account of the hormones) and say that he understands why you’re upset, but please just calm down. Everything will be all right, he’ll take care of you. 

~I think that Ferdinand would want a family even without the whole dark personality aspect. The way he’d see it is that children are a natural result of a union and love. He’d absolutely cherish your children if for no other reason than the fact that they’d be half you, although you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t have a horrible weakness for kids.  

~You’d be barely showing and he’d be picking out baby names and getting opinions on how to decorate the nursery and occasionally freaking out due to anticipation and nerves. He’d be really, disastrously, over-the-top protective, too. I just assume white magic would greatly lessen the infant and mother mortality rate but that doesn’t entirely remove the risk of complications so he’d be cloyingly careful about everything you ate, keeping tabs on any possible oddity going on with you. And, you know, I think he would enjoy emotionally taking care of you. Like if you were scared or sad or anything, I think he’d enjoy comforting you in a way that’s definitely not healthy. He’d enjoy being needed, I suppose.

~Yeah, so overall I view any sort of darker personality take on Ferdinand to be him, but with his sweet and noble and protective traits dialed up to an eleven without any sort of self awareness to make him pause and consider that maybe you don’t feel the same so having a child like this, as an intentional act of manipulation to make you stay or not, would be within the realm of possibilities.

Sylvain Jose Gautier (Bastard Man)

~Sylvain is pretty easy to imagine with a dark personality. I mean, assuming you have no pity in your heart and are willing to write him in a way that he never was able to get over his myriad issues, self hatred, severe distrust of people’s true intentions, and familial trauma.

~Assuming all that, and entertaining the idea that he could never find a good balance of repression and escapism, I think Sylvain would create an unhealthy emotional bond to a single person he believed to be exempt from his overall dismal regard for people and do this fun little thing where he’d chaotically flip flop between extreme emotions of distrust, blame, and anger and adoration, need, and a desperation to be seen as he was and still loved. 

~But it’d be a brutal cycle because he’s not the delusional type. Sometimes he could be, both with the good and the bad, but those would be kind of episodic. There’d be bad days where he’d be utterly convinced that you were just like the rest and he’d pick little fights and generally just be pretty pissy. But then sometimes he’d be blinded by love and so caught up in it that even if you told him no, he’d take it with a cheeky wink because of course you loved him and everything was so good. But, mostly, it’d just be a lot of dysfunction and Sylvain trying to lure you into a nice, good relationship with him by being mostly normal and decently charming and even, occasionally, being vulnerable (and tricking you into being vulnerable with him). 

~Anyway, back to the point. With all that context, why not bring a baby into the mix, right?    

~How many times does Sylvain bring up crest babies. Please, someone do a hard count and get back to me because damn son. So, may I just say, if anyone of these three were to have a breeding kink it’d be him. Is that controversial? Just think about it. Every girl ever wants him mystical crest cum, right? So, mentally, the whole thing would have a lot of weight and significance. Also Sylvain just strikes me as the type who’d be self aware enough of his dark and unhealthy needs that staking as intimate of a claim as that would be erotic. Unlike the other two, the act of forcing an irreversible and tangible change in your body and mind would be interesting. Not that he’d tell you any of that, or even dwell on it himself. 

~I’m torn between Sylvain saying it was an accident and him using the argument that since the two of you were in love, it was only natural that you’d start a family together. How could you not want to have his children? Better yet, how was he supposed to know that you wanted to wait. 

~But if you continued to be unreasonable, he’d go on the defensive. Like, what are you going to do? Leave him? For what? To raise his baby on your own? Or, worse, abandon your child? If you thought he’d voiced unfairly negative opinions about women before, the way he’d talk about a mother who abandoned her child and such a good, happy life with a loving husband would be infinitely worse. After all, he wanted to make a change in your relationship and be happy together. He wanted to be a good, loving father. He wanted a family with you. After everything, what kind of person would you be to throw that all away?

~So that’s... a lot. 

~But Sylvain’s the type to be awful in the moment then regret it after the heat dies down. Knowing he’d hurt you would genuinely tear him up inside. All of that adoration and desperation to keep you with him because he’d feel like he needed you to be happy would kick in and he’d break down under the guilt and tell you how much he loved you, how happy it made him to think that the two of you could have a family, that he knew you would be a great mother, that he knew he’d messed up but he would make it up to you, that you really could be a happy family. 

~Just saying, I can see him taking a perverse sort of pleasure in the physical effects of pregnancy. Also, he’d definitely be a lot softer with you. Guilty conscience, anyone?

Dimitri (Dimi) (Jimmy)

~You, dear anon, said it better than I could have myself. I agree SO HARD that Dimitri would be terrified of being a parent, but at the same time I think, if it were to happen, he’d be utterly enamored with the idea. There’s a lot more that I think about how he’d regard fatherhood, but that’s the gist. 

~Funny thing is, darker Dimitri is just like... More needy... unbearably protective... Paranoid... less stable... bad at managing his emotions when it comes to you... But, like, the same general emotions about fatherhood would apply because that’s already pretty complex. Only, this time, with an obvious emphasis on how it would effect you and your relationship. 

~I was going to say that I can’t see Dimitri purposefully impregnating you, but that’s not entirely true. In a fit where he’s feeling especially raw and paranoid, I think he would do it very purposefully and even almost-kinda-sorta relish in the idea. 

~I view his obsessive feelings to be like an itch he can’t quite scratch because he knows better than anybody how easy it would be to lose you and doesn’t know how to manage both his own instability with the unpredictable world because at any moment it could all spiral apart. 

~So, this in mind, he could believe that having a baby would make things different. More than just vows or words or rings or anything, it would be a concrete and absolute tie between the two of you. He would have an unquestionable claim over you that would go beyond the scope of just your relationship, you’d be carrying the royal heir which would give Dimitri even further valid excuses to be suffocatingly overprotective.

~It would be... So messy... On the one hand, I think the concept of fatherhood, of being given another chance, of being needed that much more by both you and the child, would really appeal to him. It could even sand off some of the rougher edges of his darker traits, now that he had this assured security in keeping you with him. Sure, the itch wouldn’t be scratched entirely, but it would be easier to ignore, there would be a solid way to reassure himself that you were his.   

~But Dimitri’s got this awful middle ground of self awareness. Anything that would come off delusion would be a result of his endless attempts at rationalizing his unhealthy feelings and trying to make sense of it all without having to actually confront the issues. But that wouldn’t mean he wouldn’t know, on some level, that what he was doing wasn’t healthy and how bad it was for you. The guilt would be intense, which would be apart of the reason he needed to keep you so close all the time because then he could pretend that you needed him just as badly, that everything was all right because he could take care of you better than anyone else. 

~Dimitri’s self aware guilt would allow a part of himself to understand that he should let you go. He could even, on the bad days, convince himself that maybe, one day, he would allow you to leave him because he loved you, because what he was doing was wrong. As long as you were near him, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself, he would always hurt you. 

~But using pregnancy to force you to stay with him would, perhaps even in an intentional subconscious way, cut off that last-ditch contingency to ease his own guilt and pain of what he was doing by keeping you with him. Now that you were going to be having his child, the royal heir, would mean that you could never leave. He’d know it. You would probably know it, too. 

~After that point, Dimitri would double down with proving his affection, proving that he was capable of taking care of you and his child and that you could be a family and everything would be okay. 

[burning-omen]

Diego Hargreeves x GN!reader headcanons

Diego Hargreeves x Gn!reader

Pronouns used: none

Requested by anonymous: Hello lovely, would I be allowed to request GN reader dating Diego Hargreeves headcanons? (I love your writing so much and please take your time with this!!)

Warning⚠️: knives, accidentally cutting himself, almost getting your shit rocked by Viktor, not beta read because my beta readers are fucking sleeping (the nerve).

Reblogs>likes

(a/n: I've been Violently Sick for the passed few days and I'm in so much pain and the only thing I can do is lay in bed so I was like “might as well do some request”)

He's a bisexual and I stand by that.

He's never really been the dating type so he's a little lost when you first start your relationship

He took you axe throwing as a date once, just to see if you'd like it. Now you go at least twice a month (it’s y'all thing)

Watching him play with knives and him trying to do an advanced trick to impress you but ends up hurting himself.

Like almost cutting his fingers off.

But it's just a scratch, he's okay.

Make him move in with you, anything is better than a hot ass, sweaty, gym boiler room.

Never had any kind of casually intimate relationship. Like he's never had someone who just loved him for no other reason than just “because I do”

He's scared of you leaving him, he doesn't show it often, but honestly every relationship he's had ended in some kind of tragedy.

More specifically Patch.

You didn't know about Patch until later in your relationship. He was destroyed by her death. Which only really hit him after he helped save the world (and universe, and multiverse etc..).

Okay moving on from the sad.

He's not a morning person and it’s your fault.

Years of training, a lifetime of waking up at the crack of dawn… Ruined.

Because of you and your “just a few more hours baby, I’m tired”

Sleeps in with you one time and he’s a different man.

He can sleep until noon.

He will force you to stay in bed with him, arm and legs fully locked around your body with the intention of keeping you in bed.

If you’re Strong, then you're just gonna have to carry the bastard on your back as you get ready because he’s not letting go.

If you’re not, rip.

He’s always cold, like all the damn time. Non-stop freezing.

He gonna put his little cold hands on you

And his cold everything else.

And you’re going to suffer.

He does it out of love though.

Get him a nice knife, even if it’s purely decorative and just made to sit and look pretty on a shelf, get him one.

He loves it, even if he can’t use it.

We know he likes to dance, but he doesn’t like dancing in front of people.

So you’re gonna have to do a fucked up dance in front of him first because one thing he’s not fucking doing is opening that floodgate on his own.

Once he’s comfortable and has established that he can do his dorky little dances in front of you he’s ready for marriage.

Like he’s walking down the aisle the moment he sees the acceptance in your eyes.

Honestly and truly your biggest simp.

He thinks you’re so hot.

Whether you're the type of person that just dresses nicely every day and just looks amazing all the damn time.

Or you only get dressed up for special occasions and are in you pajamas any other time he doesn’t give a FUCK.

Dates are weird.

Depending on which season this takes place in he’s either 1) a vigilante, 2) a mental hospital escapee, 3) being hunted by the Sparrows, or 4) whatever fuckery Reggie has set up to keep his children from living normally in the Hargreeves capitalist utopia.

So…ya know. Regular dates might be a little difficult. But stay at home date are always an option.

Cooking together, watching movies, cuddling. The whole 9 yards for him.

He Refuses to introduce you to his family. Not because he doesn’t want you meeting them, it’s just he has a feeling that somebody (Klaus) will have some very embarrassing things to say about him.

That’s okay tho, Klaus let himself into your house once after finding out Diego lives there and embarrassed him anyways.

The rest of the family was honestly super easy after that.

Except for Viktor.

Turns out, he’s very protective of his family and will Beat Your Ass for his brother.

Luckily, he approves.

Idk what else to say so uuuuhhhh….

He loves you and you have changed his life for the better. He can’t imagine a life without you and he doesn’t want to. He just loves you so much.

[bonniemdiaz]

There are a lot of things I wish people understood about the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

First the person going through the abuse doesn't even know they are going through it til it's too late. Your now trapped in a nightmare. When trying to explain to people what was happening and expecting them to understand they don't. And I come off crazy with people looking at me like "your exaggerating, it wasn't that bad or you would've left sooner." But that's where everyone is wrong. Dead wrong.

A person being abused in a narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic relationship will actually do the complete opposite and cling to the abuser stronger than before.

In some small dark corner of their brain they will have a tiny voice whispering "this isn't right. Your in danger. They don't care about you. Run!" But then the majority of their mind is rationalizing abuse. It's called cognitive dissonance. The brain is so abused by this point and so lost and manipulated that it rationalizes ways to stay even though it hurts. Why? Because you feel bad. Or your afraid it'll anger your abuser. You'll even feel sorry for THEM because your brain rationalizes it and calls you thinking about abandoning the abuser wrong.

"That's wrong, I love him, he needs me, everyone else always turns on him, his own family did that to him, he doesn't really have real friends, don't be another person in his life that fails him." So you stay because it's in your nature to love and feel compassion for people in pain.

But it's a trick. The narcissist, the sociopath, the psychopath preys on that part of you. See they can't feel shit! They don't know pain because they'd have to know love and they don't know that either because their brains are incapable of understanding emotions. They are very much aware of what they are doing to you and that it's wrong but they don't care. Because of this they can't even actually love their own children.

To the outside world everyone believes he loved his kids. Will do anything for his kids. But that's a damn lie. It was just words with little to no action at all. See it's the idea of being a great dad to the outside world that he loved to show off because it would make it that much harder for people to believe me when he finally got thru with what he was doing to me.

For the sake of minding your own business. Or not getting involved. Or staying out of it. Or even just because he was your friend. I know people knew more about him than they were telling me. That he had cheated before in the past. Or that he was fucked up. Or he was on meds. Or whatever.... Nobody said a word about it for the sake of staying out of it. I get it. I do...but it was wrong...Now granted very few of you did say something and for that thank you. Believe me your words rang in my mind but it was several yrs too late. I was trapped by my abuser and he turned my own mind against me by then.

I suffered alot from his abuse. And even though I left, my traumatic bondage to him sucked me back in and I came home.

It's easy to leave a guy because they're not doing what they're suppose to. It's easy to leave a guy because he cheats all the time. It's easy to leave a guy because you ain't into it anymore. It's easy to leave a guy because he's a slob or he neglects you or he's this n that. Normal break up issues makes it very easy to leave. But dealing with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath.. or in my case a bit of all 3 because the symptoms are so close yet he had all the symptoms of each class... It's not fucking easy at all.

Trying to explain to some of y'all in a short "hey how ya doing" type question is going to make me look crazy because part of my fucking damage is words escape me. Thoughts disappear almost as quick as they come. Then social anxiety kicking in at max speed because then you respond with "oh you'll be ok. Or just try to focus on you and the kids, or just move on now it's over with don't dwell on it." Those statements are actually severely dismissive and actually even harmful to someone who is fresh out of that abuse. Like me right now.

Don't you think I would if I could??? My brain is trying to play catch up to 7 years of mental mind manipulation fuckery that it's running in overdrive hence the fucking anxiety and panic attacks. Please don't ask me how I'm doing if you really don't care to know because I'm not doing... I'm actually stuck in a fucking fog, a haze of WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO ME???

I try to step out of my apartment and hold a decent conversation with people... On the outside you might see a mumbling person who is a fraction of my former self. But on the inside I'm screaming and frantic and scared that someone is going to blame or shame or judge me. I'm socially awkward and have no idea how to pull myself out of it. I research and research and the ONLY thing that helps me calm myself is seeing all the research saying and repeating to me all this is normal for someone like me. That these are all signs of trauma Bonding, manipulation, PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, Stockholm syndrome. All of it I'm going through is fucking normal.

I'm scared to talk to my friends and to be on fb because I feel like I'm being judged. And even though you may not be doing that. Even though you all do care to some sort of extent my mind is so crazed that I don't trust it anymore. That I need to protect what little is left of me. But even feeling like that is normal. And yes I know I need therapy. But see I'm dealing with all these different legal things and having to make moves to situate my kids and my family now because I'm also still a single mom. That I'm left with no time, and having to figure my trauma out by myself while maintaining a "normal" single parent life. Because hey.. I'm not the only one out there dealing w some shit and has kids. Right?

Contrary to what you might think surviving narcissism and surviving almost being killed in front of my kids isn't actually normal. To encounter narcissistic abuse and survive is actually the hardest thing to do because narcissism, sociopathic and psychopathic abuse are the worst and most dangerous forms of abuse anyone could encounter. And can even be deadly...and gets worse than that when you have children with them.