#i'm literally writing this right before i go to bed lmfao and i also think it's silly that i wrote exactly 400 words

[sage-lights]

something... anything... around that amangela merch shoot hug? 👀 -shesmore-shoebill

"Amanda!"

Before she is fully awake and able to register where that voice was coming from, Amanda notices an amorphous mass in a black hoodie barreling towards her. She's knocked back a step when Angela finally collides with her, wrapping her arms around Amanda's waist and squeezing so tight that Amanda's convinced that she might crushed a rib.

"Ugh, it feels like ages since I've seen you," Angela looks up at her and whines, "What took you so long to get here?"

Amanda slowly pulls Angela in closer, reciprocating the hug in an attempt to appear normal and not like she's dying inside. She just hopes Angela isn't able to feel or hear her rapidly beating heart with her face pressed against Amanda's chest.

"There was a crash on the 5 as I was driving over," Amanda half-lies. It was true, there was a three car pile up that slowed Amanda's morning commute, but she could've easily avoided it if she didn't spend so long trying to mentally prepare herself for coming back to work.

Angela huffs, "Well, at least you're here now. You didn't miss to much honestly. We've mostly been messing around while Brennan sets up the cameras."

Amanda doesn't say anything, but thankfully, Angela doesn't acknowledge the strange silence. Instead, she perks up again, "I have so much to update you on between shots. And you've got to tell me about your relaxing week-long vacation up in the Bay!"

Yeah, sure. It was totally relaxing. Not like Amanda decided, on a whim, to drive up north and run away from everything that's haunting her in Los Angeles. (God, does her name have to be so similar to LA? It's like everything is a reminder of her!) Not like Amanda didn't spend the week trying to convince herself this schoolyard crush was embarrassing and forcing herself to get over it. Not like Amanda didn't spend the week building resentment towards her closest friend.

But Amanda looks at her now. The slight crinkle around Angela's eyes and the way her smile shines so bright and genuine. Who is Amanda kidding, she wouldn't be able to stay mad even if her life depended on it.

There, in those two big brown eyes, is where her world began and ended.

"Yeah," Amanda releases herself from the embrace, but still keeps one arm around Angela's shoulders, "I'll tell you all about it."

-----

word count: 400

(for @shesmore-shoebill, hopefully this is disaster!amanda enough for you LOL)

[stormblessed95]

Watching Are You Sure?! EP 1

A reminder of how I do these reaction posts as I watch things. I just write my reactions and thoughts down literally as a happen. Think more of a bullet point format. I'll include links when I can to videos, thanks to the people who twt who upload clips. And at the end, I'll do a better wrap up of all my opinions. I hope everyone enjoyed the show so far!!

The episode starts with Jimin showing up right before JKs GMA performance and interview, July 14th 2023.

Them meeting up and talking about how he has his performance in NY on GMA later. Jimin saying that he hadn't seen him in a while, their schedules kept them SO BUSY 😭😭 this trip was so good for them. And the way he caressed JKs throat and told him to rest his voice and take care of it since it had been hurting. 🥺 So many soft touches too as soon as they were able to see each other again. And we didn't even get to see their actual reunion.

JK packing up his hotel room and talking about how he never traveled so freely before. They are so sweet and so busy and I'm so glad they were able to carve out even just a few weekends for time to themselves. And the way when the staff was talking to them about plans and who would drive etc, JK said he would drive and was just sitting there talking about traffic while they were holding hands interlocked resting in Jimins lap 😭 that's so??!!

Then fighting over the AC in the car in efforts to take care of the other is so cute. Jimin wanting to make sure JKs throat stayed okay, JK not wanting Jimin to get sick. They baby the heck out of each other. And Jimin watching his GMA performance on his phone 🥰 JKs cute smile while Jimin was jamming out to his music 🥺

"JungJi" new ship name alert?! Lmao!

JK ordering for the table 💜

The absolute bickering over who is a bad driver/bad at parking. The get out. Lmao the way they absolutely irritate each other on purpose is amazing and soooo best friends/might as well be married behavior 😂🤣

When they went shopping together and JK said they should buy the same shorts together 😍🥰 matchy matchy always!!

And an ARMY recognized them and saying hello and they were so cutely excited about it. "We've still got it." 😍🥺🥰

JK ordering for them again at the brewery 🥰 and I love that they went to an LGBTQ friendly brewery for one of their first hang out spots. Some ARMYs went and talked to the people working and said they everyone said Jikook were super polite, no one had recognized them and they kept to themselves a bit and just had some phones/go pros for recording.

The way that they also started talking about how this was their trip before military service. And how JK started bonking Jimin over the head with his camera when he mentioned it. Jimin was giggling but you KNOW that they was emotional from it too. This was when they were thinking there was still a chance they would be separated for 2 years. I know they were anxious to get to cherish this time spent together. I know it meant SO much to them both and probably so much to JK that Jimin traveled all this way and made it happen.

The way that JKs kayak tipped over immediately and Jimin just was cackling as he continued to paddle away and the staff were fishing JK out of the lake 🤣🤣🤣 just for JK to furiously row up on him and be like "you have your phone?? Tip over!!" 🤣🤣 They are so funny and cute! And Jimin taking a photo of his baby 💜 the way Jimin spent the whole time on the water just laughing and smiling fondly at everything JK would do. It's so freaking sweet. They just really had so much fun together being silly and goofy.

Not Jimin giving JK the "you come here often?" Pick up line and the immediate roleplay they both get into 😅🤣😂 they really can't go too long without at least a little bit of flirting lol

We know there was a getaway cabin with a 2 bed option but Jikook picked the one with just one bed. Lmfao good for them. Hey BH, we know you have no issues with filming the members while they sleep, even while they share the bed. How come we got zero footage of Jikook sharing the bed? 😂😂

Jimin being like "JK, you are a good cook 🥺" and Jungkook just immediately getting to work on cooking them dinner 🥺💜 although when Jimin asked for a taste, why did JK feed him from his FINGER?! Lmfao and what the hell was the noise he made when Jimin licked his finger 😂🤣 half moan, half laugh? I don't even know lmao

And the way he ran to go feed Jimin a piece of the chicken because he was proud of how his cooking was turning out. Sooo cute. Jimin accidentally dropped a piece of chicken and acted like he committed a great offence 😭😂 the way they spilt dinner duties though was so cutely domestic.

JK speaking directly to the camera to speak to the viewers. Man has done too many hours long live streams. Lmao he is too used to just chatting with ARMYs 🤣😂 that was adorable and Jimin thought so too. And the way Jimin goes "I miss V" and JK immediately is like "let's call him!" Anything to make Jimin smile! But they clearly cut so much of that convo, BH, give me my members loving each other istg I miss them too much. And don't even get me started on the yoonminkook conversation. I genuinely almost teared up. I miss BTS so much 😭 their laughter is healing

Jimin getting a stomach bug 😭😭 my poor baby. And the screen just going black while Jikook cuddle?? The give us minimal Audio and a black screen and then they cut away entirely and we KNOW they are cuddling. Lmfao TF BH!! We know they cuddle, where is my fanservice?! And JK turned over at some point and elbowed Jimin in the nose. You KNOW they were all up in each other's business on that bed for that to happen 😂😂😂

And my poor Jimmie... He feels so bad 😭😭 JK is taking such sweet care of him though.

JK outside stacking rocks while Jimin rests is giving me Yumi vibes. Lmfao I love him (and her!) SO MUCH! The way he prayed after too for a good trip with Jimin. The rock tower is also (correct me here if needed) a way to pray for someone's health and well-being. My poor sick Jiminie. Yumi also used the rock towers as ways to pray and communicate with her Gods.

Wrap up thoughts?

Not much I haven't already said honestly. Lol but just more emphasis on how special this trip is, both to Jikook themselves and for us to have it shared with us. This IS comfort TV. They bring each other such peace and happiness. They both banter and tease and have such fun. They both baby the heck out of the other. JK taking care of a sick Jimin was soooo nice seeing. The way Jimin wasn't feeling good, but rallied in order to have a good time for their weekend away.

It's also interesting that so much of this is honestly filmed from GoPro. They have some staff and crew there, but from what I've seen it's a smaller number than normally goes to film these shows and they are left alone with just installed cameras fairly often. That's extra nice for them. 💜

I am and forever will be salty about all the cuts. The Tae face time was cut short, the cuddling was cut, so much was cut. Which duh, I get why. But I still want more 😂 looking forward to the behinds to see if we get anything more. That black screen cut from them cuddling though was 👀👀😂😂

JK was such a good leader and took charge so much so far this trip. It was cool to see, Jimin ALSO thought so! The way he was speak for both of them, drove them around, ordered food and drinks for them, gave dinner prep instructions. Gave Jimin his medicine.... I'm not saying it's hyung behavior.... But... Lol also I did notice that there was a pretty even split of address between him calling Jimin hyung, or just by his name. Along with all the little random bits of flirting sprinkled through the episode lol so cute..

Hope you guys enjoyed it!! And thanks for reading all my random thoughts! Onto episode 2!

[applesandbannas747]

i wanna hear your thoughts on the fence challengers: long shot preview pages if you want to share!

oh mAN I have so many and they are all over the place!!

The first one is a little thing, but I bet Seiji had a crush on Marcus Washington when he was a kid--Nick's horror, Harvard's teasing, and Seiji's indignant blush imply as much.

And a fun fact, Jo posted a mini preview of baby Seiji to Patreon on February 14th...maybe I'm reading into it too much, but that's nothing new XD

Next couple of things are about the scene with the trophy case. It was really interesting and fun to see side-by-side redraws of Robert! It really illustrates the way the style has evolved, and also I gOTTA say it feels like Jo is more invested in Robert based on the level of detail she put in--like it's not just a style comparison, it's also just obvious a lot of attention was put into these shots when a) she could have just reused old shots (which she's done before, so I know it was an option), or kept it more simplified like she did when drawing the original shots.

I also think it's sweet that the redraws have Robert looking much more like Jesse than the originals.

And I am sure I will get flack for this, but I have incredible second-hand embarrassment from Nick leaving his newspaper clipping + note in the trophy case jfhdasl like bestieee noooo anyone can see that shit now oh my god please stooop

Onto some Nichoji thoughts! I love that Seiji's been confirmed as a before-bed reader! Him having a Kindle makes sense for the sheer efficiency of it too lmfao. Of course it's also adorable to see him in reading glasses <3 And then my favorite detail is Nick's stupid nightlight...notice where it is?

Rather than illuminating Nick's side of the room, it's peeking around the curtain and lighting up Seiji's reading, which is beyond adorable and sweet. I wonder whether Seiji stole it or Nick put it there knowing Seiji likes to read before bed, and I love both scenarios.

Also, it's fucking adorable that as soon as Nick mentions their date appointment, Seiji takes off his glasses and lowers his Kindle because it's got his full attention and investment.

And a quick pitstop to the locker rooms!

I like the visual metaphor here with Aiden and Bobby both very casual about changing and both literally having their shirts open; meanwhile, Seiji's straightening the cuffs on his button-down, which is already neatly tucked in and complete with his tie. It just highlights how Seiji's a lot more closed off than the others, and I think this was a neat trick to remind us of that.

In regards to plot, I'm still...really disappointed in the pacing. I know most people feel like it's a slowburn/it's taken a long time to develop, but if you waited to read Fence at all until it was complete and then read it all in one sitting, I think you'd see how unbalanced it is. Williams says that their first match will be in three weeks back right after tryouts:

which means everything between issue 12 and CHALLENGERS has happened in 3 weeks. Seiji and Nick's relationship is so sweet and cute, but it went from resentful rivalry to puppy love overnight with very little 'screen time' dedicated to the actual transition from resentment to friends (which I could write a whole essay on but this is not the post for that lmfao). Furthermore, the fact that it's the first match of State Championships rather than first match of the season is crazy to me. I'll admit, I didn't fence in high school--it wasn't even an option because we didn't have a team. And despite hours of research, the structure of high school team fencing is not entirely clear to me. However, I do know that typical high school sports go through the season, facing every other team in their division or whatever. Based on performance in those matches, they can qualify for state, and then their win ratio determines their seeding order for the state championships that happen in like 1-2 days. Seeding order is who you go up against in a bracket, so it's what this diagram is, basically:

(side note, but it appears there are 24 schools competing at state). Again, fencing could be different, but it kinda seems to me like we skipped over the season and went right to State Championships, which just cuts out so much development and build-up. It's like we're speed-running the entire story to get to the end faster. We cut out showing the development in the romance, and now we're cutting out the development of the plot. There's still plenty that we can do at state, of course, but imagine how much more it would mean to see Nick fencing in front of Robert if we'd built that up more. I just don't understand how we spent 12 issues on try outs, 4 on a practice match, 8 on camp, and none on the fencing season. It feels so abrupt and unbalanced. Tryouts and camp were my favorites arcs because they felt pretty well-paced as self-contained pieces of the story. I just feel like we needed waaaaay more relationship development between those two arcs to be satisfying, and I feel like there should be waaaaay more build up during the fencing season between camp and State Championships.

and now, the moment you've all been waiting for: my devastation over Eugene's role (???) in the story. I honestly question why he's in the story at all--at this point, it would have made more sense to have him flat-out not make the team. Except that keeping him this long lowkey backs up the theory I've had on his role since Striking Distance/RIVALS: Eugene is here to make everyone else look better/cooler/more impressive. The very first thing that struck me when reading the first look was this:

The dialogue here suggests that only one reserve actually gets to be on the team in the end, and the reserve is Nick. And, worse, everyone expected it to be Nick. Sure, it's sweet that Seiji thinks Nick's the better fencer, but all I can think about is how hard Eugene's worked for ten years trying to make the team as opposed to Nick's three months of fencing. Now, I love an underdog story. But it's interesting because Pacat stated in an interview (I'd have to go find where for the specific quote) that he always feels bad for the person who's been working to be #1 their whole lives only to be knocked out of the running by an upstart underdog--which I've always assumed would influence the path taken in Fence...and it seems like we may well let Seiji and Jesse remain above Nick in skill (or at least it seems like we won't be dethroning Seiji, even if we go for Jesse), but Nick's overcoming smaller obstacles. And those smaller obstacles hurt worse to see crushed because Eugene almost made the team in a way that mattered, only to have that taken away. It would have been less cruel to him and his fans to let Nick take the reserve slot back in issue 12, but instead we brought Eugene along to serve as a means to make Nick out 'secret weapon' and elevate his story.

I will say though, this page is one of my favorite Eugene moments because I see the character I selfishly want Eugene to be in it. From the context of the panels above, this page is likely Williams telling them that only one will be fencing in State Championships, and this is their reaction. Eugene's immediate concern for Nick and the comforting hand on his shoulder followed by a bright smile and a thumbs up--he just cares so much about other people and it so used to smiling through his own pain/disappointment and comforts Nick through being positive (and as seen back in issue 12, up playing his competitiveness) and acting like it's no big deal.

Eugene deserved better, but if this is where he goes out, I think I can live with it. Better to see him go now than continue to be a means to uplift the rest of team by being less than. but, man, I was really hoping we were turning it around after his moment in REDEMPTION being the only KR boy not to lose his bout

anyway, thank you sm for listening to my rambles!!! <33

[revasserium]

cut for length :) <3 thanks for tagging me darling!

started writing: not me at like age 9 or 10 watching lotr on tv and like... physically writing out aragorn fanfic in a spiral-bound notebook.... sdlfjksod what a time. but yeah! that's how i got started; and then ofc, i devoured hp!fanfic a la ff.net and started posting my own but y'all.... actually now i think about it the first fanfic i ever properly read was actually on quizilla -- which is now LOST forever to the depths of the internet... but yeah. thats the deep cut on internet fanfic lore folks LOL

started blogging: i used to have a livejournal lmfao so yeah -- again, deepcut, ancient-magicks level of internet lore here. i was writing like... jpop boyband fanfic (sweet baby jesus lmfao) back then and it was honestly a great time but also the wild wild west. truly do not rmbr what year that was but i was like... maybe 14?

followers: im at 3378 on this blog currently u__u and im thankful for each and every one of you!

communication: i used be more active in talking to ppl on here -- i got pretty comfy with just literally sliding into ppl's dms and stuff but since life has gotten busy, i haven't had the chance :( i also used to be more active in a few writing discords that spawned from tumblr but again, haven't been active in a while in those either bc of Life (TM); in general tho, i do think that the "ease" of Ye Olde Tumblr back in the early days has died down a little. i do kind of miss it tho!

likes: i... like em? i actually don't have strong feelings about likes vs reblogs for my own content -- i think once upon a time i might've had stronger feelings, but at this point, i try to think of this blog as (just as it says in the byline) a little repository for my own writings and daydreams. and if people happen to come by and enjoy, and decide to interact with it in some way? beautiful!

requests: i like them! i just haven't had time to get to them u__u i will say i am quite particular about the requests i do accept -- usually, i'll work off of a predetermined prompt list when my reqs are open. i think it's just something in the cosmic atmosphere this summer but im like... so unmotivated to write/create/do anything other than lie on a bed and rot the past few months LOL (and from what i've seen/heard its a pretty common sentiment lately...) but after this slump, i do plan to get to my reqs :)

writing: i'm both fast and slow, i think -- again, once upon a time, when i wrote as a job, i could basically sit down and just bang it out; i'd be able to churn out like 3-4k words a day on a good day, but that's obviously not super sustainable for the long term. right now, it's like -- if i get an idea, ive gotta put down nearly everything im doing and write it down immediately, and basically finish it in one go, or else who knows how long before i'll get another wave of inspiration. so i've got a few wips that have just been kinda hangin' out half-finished for like... months. but i will say, once i've got a decent amount of a fic written, the rest is inside me somewhere. so if i did sit down and really try, i will be able to finish. i just don't seem to have that energy currently skladjfoisd

in terms of themes, i like weird wonky themes. i obviously don't mind writing smut, but it's not something i think i'm particularly good at, so it "takes" more energy for me. i like toying with unconventional timelines, perspectives, and plot devices -- telling a story backwards, or saving some vital piece of "twist" till the very end. i also love fairy-tale retellings; i think they're one of my favorite genres, both to read and to write; i love stories that everyone knows (or thinks they know) and being able to fuck with that pre-existing knowledge. other than that, there's not really anything i'll avoid? i'm fine with dark themes as well, cheating, jealousy, abuse, etc -- it all just depends on the story as it wants to be told.

alright! tagging: @violettduchess @skiagrafia @imaginethathaikyuu @sorikkung @thewaterlily @mimi-cee-hq and anyone else who's here and reading and wants to do it! <3

Behind the scenes of a Tumblr Writer - Tag Game

Hey there, I love behind the scenes and since this is something that's rarely talked about, let me start the chain... if you feel uncomfortable with a question, just skip it. You can add some if you want as well.

Started writing: I wrote my first Harry Potter fanfic at age 10. Started posting around 15,16 years old. I'm now 31, so...

Started blogging: I started on a German fanfiction site around 2010/11 I think. Might have been earlier too, but back then I was mostly reading, no posting. I really started when I got into One Direction (very late, tbh)

Followers: Currently at 961, which is wild to me. I don't even know that many people IRL. I convince myself that half of them are bots tbh, so I don't freak out all the time.

Communication: The people I talk to regularly are: a few writers who answered after I constantly reblogged and commented on their works and a few people who commented and reblogged my work. Writing and blogging on here can be pretty lonely, depending on your personality and the time you're active (I'm from Europe and a lot of my followers seem to be living in Northern America, so there's the Timezone thing) ... And I found that the best way to strike a conversation is to reblog, comment, and to not be shy. I do wish I got more asks, though....

Likes: I actually filter them out. I have 793 original posts up at the moment. It doesn't give me anything to know how many likes a fic has other than to tell me which characters are liked more than others or maybe that one fic does especially well. My activity only shows me comments, asks, reblogs with tags, and answers to my own asks. I live for the tags and the comments.

Requests: I love talking to people about ideas. That's how I started the plotbunny game because I have so many ideas and so little time. And sometimes an idea just doesn't want to be written out fully. Requests are fun because YAY, I get some mail... but then I freak out because I don't really know how to write this NOW and then I freak out because it's been a week already, two weeks, wait, two months? I'd rather have suggestions where people tell me vague things like "I'd love to read something about this side character" or "Have you ever considered this character with a soulmate trope"? because then I don't have the feeling of failing the request when I write it a little bit differently.

Writing: I am a fast writer. I know that's one of my talents. I can churn out a oneshot of 1k words in less than an hour. People read slower than I write. That can suck sometimes because you've just posted this and you want to know what people are thinking but they're not as fast as you are. I do have a lot of ideas. I want to write constantly but my brain doesn't always want to. I am trying to respect that.

There are also certain things that I just feel wrong writing. I cannot write anything suggestive (I also don't like reading it) and everything past that gives me panic attacks. I can hardly write mean characters and jealousy feels so wrong to me that I cannot write it. I've also overdone it with the soulmark trope and now I feel like everything I write about it feels lifeless.

I write best in the mornings before going to work, but I don't have much time there. I don't need special music (but it helps), but I need to have at least some energy left and at best, no distractions. But I have been writing for over 20 years, so I will say experience helps a lot.

Tagging: @revasserium @shoulmate @lemurzsquad @screamin-abt-haikyuu @toomanygoldfish @satorisoup @emmyrosee @reverie-starlight @alienaiver and @writingsofanomnivore and everyone else who wants to join

[revasserium]

🎀 for the recent fanfic ask!! (i’ll reply abt driving later… after i actually complete the test 😭 but so far i wouldn’t say i’ll be confident enough to pass it on first go…) — @anonymilk

for the fanfic ask game! (i'm combining a few of ur asks, hope u don't mind!) tbh.. all the questions are good. 💎 & 🍭 are so interesting! — @anonymilk omg! 🪄!!! i didn’t even know??? writing-after care was a thing?? did you? — @anonymilk

🎀- give yourself a compliment about your own writing

hmmm i think i'm pretty good at opening lines? LOL i try to make the opening hook as strong as i can, and then the rest of the fic flows from there :)

💎- why is writing important to you?

ahhh i mean i answered something similar for u here, about how writing makes me feel and what makes me want to give up, what keeps me going. i think it's in the same vein, right? it's my main format of creative outlet, and if i stopped doing it, i become the husk of a human being LOL. it also gives me a way to like exercise a dif part of my brain than i use most days at work, which i really like! :D

🍭- why did you start writing?

the cliche answer is -- because there are stories that i want to tell, and i want to tell them my way -- which is 50% true, 50% of the time LOL. but it's also just that like... i'm an only child and my best friends growing up were literally my parents. but i spent a lot of time alone inside my head as a kid, and writing was a way for me to like entertain myself with the stories that i was playing out inside my head most of the time. and now, they've become both an escape and a sanctuary. the first fanfic i ever wrote was like hp!fanfic when i was literally like 7 years old, longhand, in one of those back to school spiral notebooks that u get at target in august with the brightly colored fronts? HAHA i used to also sit in front of the tv with all the lord of the rings movies on repeat and write fanfic for that, also longhand LOL. so yeah! that's how/why i got started!

🪄- what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you’ve finished a fic?

tbh i didn't rly think about writing-aftercare either!!!! i think it's bc writing is kinda my aftercare... for a long day like. i pour myself a glass of wine, sit, and write. it's almost like a before bed ritual thing that i do. so i guess the aftercare for writing for me is... sleep! LMFAO

[jerry-hornes-foot]

listen….. listen. double penetration w steve. thats the whole prompt. idc who’s topping or who’s bottoming i just want to see what ur magic fingers conjure up. please and thank you

Okay so, listen, hear me out, this is so hot and I have used as an excuse to write a story I have wanted to write for months but have been putting off cause I've been so slow at dealing with my inbox lmfao. If it's not the sort of thing you were looking for I absutely understand and I am MORE than happy to write you another one because I'm aware I've gone a bit off piste with this bad boy, but I hope you get at least some enjoyment out of it!!

Also literally the amount of agency you've given me in this story is so sweet tysm!!! 🥰

838 words

18+ only

Smut

Steve Harrington x Jonathan Byers x Gender Neutral Reader

Tags: dom/sub; switch!reader; dom!jonathan; sub!steve; double penetration; penetrative sex; oral sex; edging; mild overstimulation; implied cum eating; offensive language

Jonathan's cock twitches in your mouth as you sink down on to it. At the same time you feel Steve's fingers dig into your thighs as he pumps in and out of you. As Steve thrusts again you moan into Jonathan's cock, the vibrations causing him to moan back at you. Behind you Steve grunts and picks up the pace of his hips a little.

"Watch it, rich boy." Jonathan warns through gritted teeth. "You cum when I cum, got it?"

Despite all the nights you and Steve have spent with Jonathan, the harsh, commanding tone that takes over Jonathan's voice when he doms Steve still always catches you off guard. Jonathan is always so gentle and quiet, it's easy to forget just how firm he can be, and you've got to admit, it's hot. You groan again, tensing around Steve and making him whimper, earning another barked warning from Jonathan. Steve knows the rules, he and Jonathan cum together and fill you up all at once. Jonathan's good at this game, when he sets his mind to it he can hold off from finishing for hours, which gives him the chance to push Steve to the edge again and again, like he's been doing all night.

"Jonathan I- I think I'm gonna- fuck! I'm gonna-"

"Oh no you don't!" Jonathan squeezes your shoulders, a signal for you to push back against Steve to force a stop to the motion of his hips. He whines desperately as you press against him, derailing his rhythm.

"You know the rules Harrington. Now stay put until I stay so."

This is the fourth time tonight Steve's gotten close to finishing only for you and Jonathan to stop him in his tracks. You can feel his legs shaking by your sides. He's desperate to finally get that release, but he knows better than to talk back. That'll only earn him further punishment. He obediently pulls out of you and kneels on the bed awaiting Jonathan's instruction.

"Good boy." Jonathan purrs, groaning performatively and rolling his head back as your tongue runs down the underside of his dick.

A few minutes pass before you feel Jonathan's cock twitch again, his hips tensing slightly under your hands.

"Okay Harrington, back to work."

Steve doesn't have to be told twice. His cock slips back into your hole and starts pumping immediately. The past couple of times Steve was made to sit out for a while, Jonathan forced him to go slow when he started fucking you again, this time he makes no comment on Steve's pace. He won't admit it, but he's close, closer than he thought he was, and now he needs Steve to catch up. Fast. You can't help yourself, you know you'll pay for it later, but it's worth it to give Jonathan a taste of his own medicine. Slowing down a little you slide your mouth right down to the base of his cock, pressing the tip of your tongue into the underside of his shaft. He let's out a long gutteral moan as you begin you slowly glide your mouth up and down his full length, taking the tip of his cock right to the back of your throat with each movement.

"Jesus! You'd better fucking hurry it up, Harrington."

Steve does so, pounding his hips hard into yours, his body is angled just right to make your body burn with pleasure. You'd been so focused on working Jonathan's dick you almost hadn't noticed how incredible Steve's felt inside you. You cum, hard and without warning, stifling a scream so that you can keep your careful rhythm on Jonathan's cock. Jonathan cries out as your fingers dig hard into his hips.

"I swear to God, Harrington, you're on thin ice here- mmmmmphhfuck!! I'm gonna cum!"

Your legs are quivering so hard it's a struggle to keep yourself upright, Steve's cock keeps slamming into your insanely sensitive hole. The feeling is an incredible mixture of pain and pleasure. Jonathan's dick swells in your mouth, pulsing as his cum pours out onto your tongue. Steve is barely a second behind him, exhaling harshly as you feel him spilling into you.

When you pull away from Jonathan's dick he grabs your shoulders and holds you in place.

"Don't move." He instructs, voice still steady despite how breathless he is.

Your thighs are screaming, the force of your orgasm has torn through you and made your whole body feel weak, but you obey him all the same. Jonathan flops down on the pillow and looks up at Steve,

"I'll be expecting you to clean up your mess, Harrington."

Steve's hands are back on your thighs in an instant, the tip of his tongue just barely grazes you before Jonathan stops him.

"Hold your horses, I'll need a few minutes."

"Sorry, I thought you wanted me to-" Steve stammers.

"Oh I do." Says Jonathan with a gentle laugh. "But not unless I get to fuck that tight little ass of yours while you do it."

[the-darklings]

dunno if i'm late for otp ask thing but entire damn thing for jean/clara pls!! they seem really interesting and I want to know them better before your book is done. thank you kat love you!!

you were not late, anon. I, on other hand, am. thank you so much for enabling me tho oh my goddddd seeing this burst my heart open like a pomegranate. I know literally no one cares for this but i'm rustling up my comfort where I can get it.

1. What are things they both find funny?

other people, ignorance, and less sardonically, each other.

2. If they could each describe each other in one sentence, what would it be?

jean: "the most dangerous woman alive." clara: "the most insufferable man alive."

3. If they complimented each other, what would they say?

really depends. clara isn't the most beautiful woman he's been with or even known, but she gets under his skin in a way no one can, so the smallest, most mundane things grow incredibly attractive to him quickly when it comes to her. he's especially fond of her freckles and smiles though. in general, he showers her with compliments near-daily and without ulterior motive. he just likes how she glows under his praise and he wants her to know precisely how much he desires her. for her, it's a bit different. jean is incredibly attractive but to a point he's often objectified by others for it. so she compliments things closer to her heart. like his crooked, genuine smiles because they're so rare yet warm his entire face (one dimple, crinkles around his eyes) from his usual iciness.

4. What would be their ship name?

jean + clara = jeara. their ship tag is also 'almost love' (which they've changed a fair bit from what I had in mind for them originally, but I like the tag too much to alter it now, and it still applies in many ways). 5. What activities do they enjoy together?

I answered this when the otp ask thing was first dropped but pretty much anything. from visiting museums together, reading together, dinners, working, taking baths, or going for long drives with windows rolled down and music blasting and an insane amount of sex 6. What is/are their love language(s)?

they honestly hit all 5 between them, but physical touch/quality time/acts of service/words of affirmation are likely the big ones with their lifestyle. 7. Write a ~300-word love scene for them. 

Sometimes he wonders if he should have made better decisions in his life.

The answer is, undeniably, yes. Jean finds, however, that allowing Clara close is equivalent to laying in a bed of coals still hot with emotion. Right now she's languid, stretched out comfortably while still tucked close to his side, her nose nestled against the hollow of his throat. Having her this near is its own type of torture. Often Jean merely does this to test himself, to see how long he can resist her pull.

"I like that one," she decrees, a touch sleepy, and he resists the urge to tug on her messy french braid. "Read it to me again?"

"Taking comfort in the familiar?"

His words are cutting thanks to years spent being nothing but piercing icy edges, softened only by the innate fondness he has for her. With Clara, his words rumble out more teasing, his breath fanning over her temple when she presses even closer. Leaching his warmth. Such a greedy, needy thing, his viper.

Her cheek ticks upwards in a smile he doesn't see but feels even underneath his jumper.

"If the familiar is you," she drawls fondly. "Then maybe."

8. What were their first impressions of each other?

mutual distrust and dislike lmfao

9. Have they made each other cry?

not yet, but they will : ) 10. Write a ~300-word argument scene for them. 

"You insufferable, reckless idiot-"

"Yes, mon amour."

"Don't you mon amour me," she seethes. "What were you thinking?! You could have gotten yourself killed. You know, one day someone will just get sick of your snarky, asshole speeches and just blow your brains out-"

"Nonsense," Jean dismisses, unperturbed despite the blood caking his once-crisp shirt. "You were there. Besides..."

He pinches her chin between his fingers, tugging her closer for a quick kiss. Scant, nothing like their usual kisses consisting of teeth, nails, and buried in muffled moans. "I had you there," he continues as if that explains shit. "I pity any fool who dares to harm anyone you like."

"Like you?" she scoffs, forcing back her curdling terror and stilling her trembling fingers. "A bit presumptuous of you."

A blink, and his nonchalant mask shifts, leaving Jean straight-faced and cold. Focused and honed in on her alone. His larger fingers swallow up hers, tugging her closer, leaning their faces close.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers, every word severe despite the softness, answering a question, a worry, she hadn't voiced. "You're stuck with me for a very long time, vipère. It's just a scratch."

Her eyes slip shut at his comforting, dark murmur in her ear. "I'm kicking your ass when that heals."

A rumbling chuckle washes over her, so rare even now. "I do believe I hear a challenge. I can't possibly refuse my favourite opponent, now can I? We'll see who'll come out on top this time, hm?"

He takes her trembling, bloodied hand and encloses it securely in his.

11. What causes them to fight?

they bicker constantly, but big blowout fights are much rarer since they're pretty decent about communicating even on the off chance they do argue. the crux of their problems is often the fact that he's vvv ruthless. while clara can be just as ruthless, it's much rarer unless she, or someone she loves, is threatened. for her, it's a defense mechanism. for him, it's the natural state of being. so, arguments sometimes stem from that, but she respects him a lot and doesn't like undermining him, so it's more often behind closed doors. another big one is his emotional unavailability initially. she's trying to claw down those walls, and he makes it anything but easy for her. 12. Do they have differing political opinions?

nope, not really. 13. Name something they would never do for the other person. 

for her, it's a matter of never sacrificing her family. she would happily sacrifice herself for him but never them. for jean, uh, the best way I could describe it is being unwilling to give himself to her fully (initially). 14. What would be a dealbreaker?

him knowingly and willingly harming anyone at the pit (and not just ooh they're in danger, but they actually die-die type of deal) would probs come vvv close. for him.......... if she's inside him, then she's in there. 15. What are traits they dislike in one another?

kinda looping back to 11 but while jean (at least inwardly) acknowledges that traits he would criticize and shun in others - and especially himself - he admires in her, clara's willingness to trust people and stay open with them often puts her life in danger. and a danger to her life is an affront to him since he considers them extensions of one another, so his feelings on her reliance/trust in others can often be mixed. because while he admires the strength it takes to stick by your conviction even through betrays etc, if it harms her, it's anything but acceptable to him. as for her, well, jean is a Class A manipulator and plays people like his favourite game. while she strongly admires this trait as well, if it's directed at people she cares for, she can get pissed very quickly. 16. If they broke up, what would be their opinions of each other?

depends on circumstances and who does the breaking tbh. they can range from heartbroken/regretting-it-but-won't-show it to outright enemies. regardless, even if they do break up, they're too strongly bound and far too intertwined to ever be rid of one another. they're the classic no matter what we do, we always end up back together for better or for worse. their feelings for one another are too strong to simply move on, though both might attempt it.

17. What senses (sights, smells, feelings, etc). remind them of each other?

for jean: sunlight, jasmine, earth, the rustling of trees melding with bird song, sweet tangerines, poison, elderflower tea, nigh sky (her freckles), satin, serrated blades, the phantom heat of her laughter against his neck, dimples and creased freckles, her cheek on his shoulder, soft tendrils of her hair slipping and looping through his fingers.

for clara: glaciers, deep night, darkness, cold winter, tallness, tobacco, car leather, the rustling of a tailored suit, black coffee, chocolate, charcoal, classic rock, the scratch of pen/pencil in his notebook as he sketches, a heated murmur of her real name, arm secure around her waist, neck kisses, tucked safely in his lap while he reads to her (usually in french). 18. What would be their love motto?

"no matter what." 19. If they could each write a single line in their marriage vows, what would they be?

this is a hard one because if they did get married I imagine a vvv private ceremony, likely just them and witnesses. if there are any vows they're spoken between them only. likely promising a lifetime of devotion and assurance that whatever broken pieces of them are still intact belong to each other. 20. What is a promise they have made to each other?

perhaps not verbally but patience & to believe in one another no matter what happens. 21. How have they changed each other for the better/for the worse?

they've mutually done both lmao. she reminds him what it means to be alive, how to remember and take joy in the smallest things and see the world that he's grown rather jaded about through different eyes. in general, she opened him up to new experiences and feelings he has sworn off years ago despite his reluctance. for her, he straight up just teaches her how to live (this might sound odd but it will make more sense when you find out more about what kind of life clara led up to the point these two meet, but let's just say its not really life at all, and she's incredibly deprived of most basic human experiences). they've also, undoubtedly, made each other worse. much, much worse. they're both dangerous individuals in their own right, but what they can unleash for each other is, uh, kinda terrifying. they def make each other more dangerous, especially jean (good old 'when someone who doesn't love anyone or anything, finally finds someone to care about...' though he shows this in very roundabout/merciless ways) 22. If their lives were what was originally intended at birth, would they have still fallen in love?

honestly? yes, I think so. even if they led very mundane lives (so no involvement in the shadow world & crime) they still have complementary personalities. it's true they would both be significantly less damaged/guarded (a big bonding element for them is being able to see/love each other's darkness) but they would still have their very sharp minds and ambition to bind them. if anything I think they would do really well in simply understanding and encouraging each other's hunger. 23. Write a ~300 scene between them with no dialogue, only body language.

It's creation.

The raw, stunning kind that bewitches Clara completely. There's nothing more addictive than watching herself being birthed into existence through his eyes. By his hands. Jean is meticulous - always has been. Details others overlook or don't care to see are the grey areas he exists in. It's what makes him so good at what he does, she thinks. Humans are details. Smallest, most mundane details.

How he sees the puzzle of her makes her tender with loving him.

Seated opposite to him, nursing her morning coffee, Clara watches Jean work silently. A black ball pen and a blank page, ink flowing like a river where he touches. It's all he needs. She's mesmerized by the act - its raw beauty, and its simplicity. His depiction of her face doesn't entirely feel like her own. Is this what he sees when he looks her way?

Strong, arresting stare, full mouth, heart-shaped face, freckles splattered across her nose, and chestnut hair that flows around her features like a dark ocean. A simple drawing; more of a loose sketch, really, no specific technique, but he has immortalized her with this single act. Created her like a faithful paying homage to his beloved deity, and Clara can't help but warm when his icy stare flicks her way. Tracing her lips, chin and brows, her mussed hair.

She loves it when he looks at her. Loves it, even more, when he can't quite look away. As if she contains the entire spectrum of colour and life for him. He makes her feel alive with nothing but his eyes.

Tucking her chin in her hand, Clara leans on her elbow, giving him a soft smile. His own mouth twitches in return, his bed hair tempting her closer. She wants to place another love bite right next to the one she spies on his tanned neck, strong tendons twitching under her keen observation.

Still smiling, she reaches for the notebook, unable to force her smile down when she takes in her features from a closer angle. Her face is now commonplace amongst sketches of architecture, birds, and animals.

It's love. The way he draws her. Even if he doesn't say it often verbally, Jean Laurent has a thousand other ways to tell her just how much he adores her.

24. What is something they have each had to forgive the other for?

the entirety of npfh canon post-ase lmfao

25. What moves do they know work on the other?

forcefully yanking his tie off always gets her eyes on him. loosening her hair so it rests around her face/shoulders/back, draws him nearer like a bee to honey. he craves to touch it, scent it and bury his nose in it, arms tight around her. also hearing him laughing genuinely. she thinks he doesn't know it drives her crazy and makes her want to kiss him every time she hears it but he totally knows. mutual, heated eye contact at an event, egging each other on too, and just in case anyone is wondering, yes, semi-public is def a thing with these two. 26. What are their favorite parts about physical affection/sex?

ooh, for her it's everything. all of it. from most chaste to the filthiest. jean is not the first man she's been with, she has experience, but what he does to her no one else can. he often doesn't need to do anything sexual, just look at her, drinking her in, appreciating her. every time he touches her it's as if he's dipping his hands in liquid gold - and that's what she feels like when with him: golden. every edge of her desired, wanted, needed, and above all else, cherished. for him, well, she lowkey destroys him. or, rather, his guards. his impenetrable armour is ashes when she's near. he never quite knows what he will get: a woman who kisses and touches him with such adoration, loving him so fiercely as if he's center of her universe or a woman whose all teeth, snarl, and bite, leaving him bloodied with her passion. either way, it's so perfect he gravitates towards her as if she's the sun with her own orbit. 27. Do they have any kinks/fetishes that they share?

pretty much all of them <3 they're both rather sexual and both are open to trying new things together as well. basically, they're the hot couple you encounter at a bar/club/event and end up having a hot threesome with all night long ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 28. Write a ~300 fantasy one of them has about the other. 

is it still a fantasy if it's happened?

His wet, rough breath sears the shell of her ear. Panting, Clara presses closer, tucked away from sight in the shadowed alcove. Barely. In truth, anyone walking by could see them if they focused on the shadows for longer than a split second.

People have been cutting across the hallway back and forth all night.

"If Ramona finds us-"

"I don't care," Jean snaps back, his steady baritone frayed, heavier. His accent drips from his tongue far less controlled, splintering further, and she tightens around him, earning her a deep groan. "Let her see."

"But the guests-"

"Fuck the guests," he shoots back, even darker, driving deeper into her. Her satin dress is pulled upwards, pooling around her waist, the wall cold and hard, her body lurching into it with every merciless snap of Jean's hips from behind. "And everyone else."

His hot tongue swirls around the shell of her ear and she moans, arching her back. Jean slips a hand across her mouth, smothering the sound in its wake. A second later the dull thud of footsteps penetrates her ears, a thrill shooting down her spine and electrifying her skin. Rolling her hips deliberately, Clara smiles into his hand when a pained hiss slips past Jean's teeth. Good.

Footsteps near, and his hips jolt forward, pulsing inside her, deeper, deeper-

"Naughty, naughty," a low voice drawls, and Clara jerks in her spot, the cooling bath water sloshing around her as she blinks herself back into reality. "What were you daydreaming about, chérie?"

Jean leans in the bathroom doorway, tracing her bare, wet collarbone with heated intent.

Steadying her thudding heart, Clara tucks her chin back into the lapping water, the scent of flowers and bath oils permeating the air. "Remembering that time Ramona and Augustin held a function, and you decided it would be a good idea to fuck me out in the open."

Blue sparks with mischief, an additional layer of simmering heat blooming in him with her recollection. "Oh? I do believe that was one of my favourites. Care for a repeat, amour?"

A laugh slips free from her, her toes stretching to dull a mild throb now between her legs. "You're unbelievable."

Rolling his eyes, Jean enters the space, cutting through the steam. "I know," he whispers stagely with a sly, wide-eyed expression, pulling off his shirt smoothly, leaving the bare expense of his wide shoulders and muscled body for her to appreciate. "It's why you adorer me, non?"

She splashes water in his face in reply.

29. What are each of their signature foreplay moves?

for him: undressing her oh so slowly, or ripping her clothes clean off when she really works him up, gradual neck kisses, stroking every inch of her skin despite knowing every crevice and freckle already. for her: biting his lip, pulling on his hair, heavy/sly eye contact. also oral. 69 is one of their fave things. 30. Write a short exchange of dirty talk between them. 

"Mhm, missed you."

Hot, wet kisses trail up his throat, followed by a hard bite and a suck. Jean forces back a groan. Heat surges through his veins, leaving him cursing how well-versed she's become at working him up. Clara grinds on him; deliberate, wanton. Her back arched, and entirely untamed in her need. She peppers tiny, greedy kisses up his jaw, unfazed by his stubble. She's no doubt savouring the burn, the friction. She gets ever so sweet when he's between her legs instead.

"I can tell," he murmurs hotly, guiding her hips, working her on the rapidly growing hardness between his legs, still amused by how shamelessly she has seated herself in his lap. He feels her desire burning beneath his chilled fingertips and yanks her to him, hands in her hair. "Look at you. So good for me. Are you wet yet, vipère?"

She hmms again, working her way up to his mouth, kissing him hard, her hands bracing his face.

"My, my, si gourmande," he whispers with a faint chuckle when they finally part for breath. "Next time, I'll be sure to take you in front of others if you can't wait. Would you like that, vipère, hm? If I put you on my lap while playing poker, and let you hmm... work yourself to that sweet, sweet rapture? Right there for everyone to see. You do enjoy being seen, non? Adored. Oui, you're so impatient. Maybe I'd put you on your knees instead. So you feel the carpet burn for a week straight. You do like it when I fuck you from behind."

"So do you," she gasps, licking across his bottom lip with a small nibble. "I'll let you fuck me in front of others. But we both know others will hear you moaning my name first."

31. What do they love to do after sex?

oh, she's a big every-inch-of-me-needs-to-touch-you kind of person. even if it's only for a few minutes, she likes coming off her high, nuzzling herself close, kissing his skin, luxuriating in the aftermath (likewise he's more outwardly possessive of her when right after a high). despite the mess (and it is a damn mess, neither is satisfied until she's a physical wreck and marked in every which way and not just hickeys) these few instances of closeness are a must for her. 32. Do they enjoy morning or night sex?

they enjoy anytime-any-place sex : )

[radiorenjun]

Grand announcement ❗❗❗

Yep you read that right and no this is not a joke, unfortunately.

Honestly is it that much of a surprise?

Um I don't know when I'm actually going to post this or if I will post this considering I've been debating on whether i should actually take time off of not. But depending on the date I post this, its either going to be one of two reasons or both.

LETS GO WITH THE POSITIVE ONE FIRST SHALL WE?

First of all, Happy Ramadan! My maids going back to her old village for the holidays so I'm going to have to assist my parents in babysitting more til she gets back. Therefore I will be too busy to post or update. Or maybe my parents plan an unexpected vacation or something and I'll be too busy to communicate with anyone on my phone.

Edit: I take it back my mom fired her when she caught some cigarette ashes in her room today (my maid went back to her village yesterday btw) and now we gonna get a temporary one that comes and goes everyday at the end of Ramadan LMFAOOO more chores for me then

Also, im posting this to just inform everyone I'll be okay and I'll return somewhere in the end of May or the beginning of June considering I promised a few moots to voice call then. Man, it feels weird speaking all serious like this. It feels even weirder that I'm not even using capslock lmfao.

Okay the other reason. Im not really thrilled to think that it's finally drove me up so far i have to take a break from everything.

If you can't tell from how I've been on and off lately uh like my mental health is getting bad. Like really really bad?

I won't go into much details but for safety stuff here's your trigger warning for ED, SH, Depression, Nightmares, etc. If you don't want to read this part you can scroll down until you see some random red statement I'll write later so you can see what I have to say before i leave.

Uh okay where do I start. To sum it all up basically, my mental health is in absolute ruins? At the moment?? Uh... It's been the worst it has been in the past three to four years? I don't know anymore. I can't sleep properly because I keep having nightmares of past su1c1d3 attempts and the outcome of actually succeeding. I can't eat properly anymore. My SH habits and my anxiety is coming back (every beginning of every month though so it wasn't as bad as way way when this started) and I trying my best to stop it again. I'm almost a month clean but I doubt that I can last more than that again because everything seems to get worse and worse. I cry myself to sleep because of my thoughts being so fucked up. I tried coming forward with this so many times to my parents and my teachers but they won't believe me, i can't do anything anymore except try to get better by myself. I can't bring myself to communicate with anyone anymore knowing full well that the only thing that's keeping me alive at this moment is socializing. I keep having flashbacks of when older men stalked me everywhere I went in the past. I lie awake knowing that nothing can bring me comfort except seeing that one idol who you all probably know by now. Im literally depending on him to keep me together during the day it's not even funny anymore lmfao.

I have to do endless chores, deal with all of this at once, catch up on two semesters worth of materials for my new school, deal with my graduation ceremony which is coming around this month or next month? Somehow I developed some type of anger issues the past year so haha that's great yuh no.

To stop you from worrying, no, I don't have suicidal tendencies anymore but I don't exactly have something to be thrilled living for. I'm just vibin in life at this point lmao

I'm just tired. I'm really really tired. Id lie awake crying my eyes out while listening to renjun voice audios. I'm tired of crying all the time and I'm tired of everything. Im tired of laying in bed overthinking and stressing bout things that wouldnt normally bother as much. I promise I won't do anything stupid

I won't be gone long. I'm not okay at the moment but I will be. Because at the end i need to be okay again. I'm giving myself time to heal again before something gets bad. I promise I'll come back from time to time. I promise I'll be okay again and I'll come back as that happy hyper renjun simp who swears and uses capslock, spamming memes or whatever.

I'm not comfortable opening up about anything that goes beyond too sad in my life so I'm just going to leave it at that

You can stop scrolling now. The triggering part is over.

Thank you for all the moots who decided to cheer me up unknowingly whenever I was having a mental breakdown. Thank you for reading up to here lmfao uh I don't know what to say? God Im a mess.

Dms on both tumblr and discord will be pretty slow. I'm sorry but I'll reply to my asks like a day or two after they're sent. I won't be posting much until June and I'm truly sorry for those who were waiting for the last chapter of idni, im taking this chance to also rethink the ending so I can somehow make it better than I originally planned it literally a year ago.

Damn broken English 101.

As I said before, I'll be okay when I get back. I'll be the happy hyper angie I always was and always will be when I return. I don't know when I'll post this but hopefully I don't haha. You don't have to be worried about me, this happened before and I always come back okay again. I'll be okay, I promise. I'll be back in a month.

Do what yall do and don't forget to tag me whenever you post any renjun fics haha. I'll miss you all, don't forget about me okay? Haha.

I'll be looking forward to writing again and hopefully I'll be mentally and physically healthy then. Hopefully I'll have my motivation in writing back again by then. I'll try my best to commit into getting better and being happy. Plus I wanna start an sm au but rn it doesn't seem very likely haha

I'll be contacting my networks bout this as soon as I post this.

Thank you and see you all later

[harryisntstraight]

Bethan, do you have any like... survival tips for when you've been doing okay depresh wise (anxiety is till a bitch and a half) but you feel yourself slipping slowly into That Mindset again and it's?? a little scary??? It didn't end well last time and I really don't want to be like that again ARGH. IKNOW I should get my sleep schedule into check but Anxiety and Self Sabotage are a force to be reckoned with and I'm jsut... struggling a little. Help? (OBVS not if you don't want to!!)

ohh man, i feel u. its so hard, and its also so annoying when people give u tips that seem really pointless like ‘get a routine’ or ‘practice mindfulness’ but like ajkdfhksdjhf…..they really do help. honestly going to sleep at a reasonable hour is really something u should try and practice bc it does genuinely help so much and makes u feel a little more in control of your life. something that helped me was listening to podcasts? like by 11′o clock (most nights) i’ll turn all my lights off, shut my laptop down, plug my phone in and put on a podcast. that way you’re not staring at a screen right before you go to sleep and you’re getting yourself into a routine that helps your brain shut down and feel tired bc you’re just listening to people talk without having to really…..do anything? and its super relaxing and calming and also distracting if ur dealing w negative or anxious thoughts keeping you up at night. also meditation apps are genuinely so helpful and great. i use the apps headspace and calm before i go to bed, i try to listen to like 10 minute guided meditations every night and its just such a great way to release tension and help you settle into that night time routine. and also i think its important to let yourself have bad days? like…. its okay if some days all you can do is lie in bed, sometimes it just really does get overwhelming and exhausting and u shouldnt punish yourself for giving into that sometimes. as long as you kind of think……ok……..fine today is a write off, but tomorrow i’m going to get up and shower and go outside and do at least one productive thing. and then actually commit to that (easier said than done ik) then its totally fine to have some days where you really cant move or function. its just like any other illness. sometimes you’ll have days where you get the flu so bad you have to call out of work sick and just eat soup in front of the tv all day. and thats okay. sometimes you have to take time to recover. and then, idk something that my therapist taught me is treating your thoughts like a separate entity to yourself, like they’re this kind of irrational child. like if your immediate thought is ‘god i’m trash and not worthy of anything’ just kind of take that thought and separate it. be like……okay………what makes you say that? is that based on evidence? what exactly makes say that? do you have any evidence? like i think its important to recognise rational thinking™ from depression thinking™ and be able to separate the two and i think treating depression thinking as a whole separate entity really does help. its the same as when your anxiety is like PANIC!!!!!!!! and you’re like ‘lmfao calm down its literally just a phonecall’ i dont know. i think its just important to go easy on yourself. treat yourself like a friend and dont place a whole load of pressure and expectation on yourself. i think its great that you’re self aware and wanting to get better, bc thats the hardest thing sometimes. i think setting goals is important but not beating yourself up if you dont meet them is even more important. maybe you arent gonna do yoga and eat your 5 a day every single day but as long as you got outta bed and showered and did one thing that made you smile that day and strive to be better tomorrow then thats fine? afsjdfhsdfh i dont know i’m kinda in a similar situation and sliiiiightly tipsy so i hoped this helped a little bit? i’m sorry if it didnt adjkhfdsdf